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The 432 Sep 8, 1992

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 "All the News That's Fit
to Train Your Coyote"
The Newspaper For Science Students
Vol 6 No 1X 8 Sept '92
It's Back!
Duck Soup
INGREDIENTS:
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P4R.A METERS   ool-lEN   IT'S
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OVER 95% OF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIUM
HYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCARBONS, AND TREES. LESS THAN 5% CONSIST OF AN
EDMONTON RANT (PAGE 2), THE RAISINS OF WRATH,
MIND GAMES (PAGE 3), ANGRY DUCK (PAGE 4), DIK
MILLER - CAMPUS ENFORCER (PAGE 5), SHAMELESS
CONSUMERISM (PAGE 6), ROGER WATTS WAITS 'TIL THE
LAST MINUTE, MUNDANE DUMPSTER (PAGE 7), ELECTIONS INFO (PAGE 8).
"WELL, THEY LOWERED THE ENTRANCE REQUIREMENT,
WHILE THEY RAISED THE TUITION FEE.
SO THE UNIVERSITY HAS A LOT MORE ROOM
FOR STUPID RICH KIDS LIKE ME."
THREE DEAD TflOLLS IN A BAGGIE
©1992 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS.
min
'68030    958201 The Four Thirty-Two   V0I6N0I X 8Sept'92
My August in Exile...
Ryan
Mum
The last few weeks have
yielded an interesting and
somewhat terrifying observation for our young, dashing
editor:
The onset of panic and the
abatement of writer's block do
not necessarily coincide.
Uh oh.
A bit of background: I'm
Ryan McCuaig, young dashing
editor. I've been living in
Edmonton, Alberta for the past
seven weeks. Understandably,
I'm chuckled out, and I don't
think the English language
could capture the true essence
of my wild, raucous time spent
in the Gateway to the North.
Hence my dilemma.
I'm trying not to sound too
bitter or sarcastic, but it really
pisses me off to have snow
dumped on me in August. It
happened. Really.
Anyway, this is the first
issue in The 432'5 sixth year.
As you've hopefully begun to
suspect, this isn't your average
campus rag. Officially, we're
the news publication of the
Science Undergraduate
Society. Every undergrad society has one (some more notorious than others), but The 432
is the first to have gained a
wide readership among students in other faculties. The
reason is, our mandate is
entertainment first, news somewhere much later.
Well, back to our story...
* * *
An exasperated yell! A violent crash! Our hero is found
slumped at his desk, devoid of
consciousness, with a cryptic
message imprinted on his forehead in mirror writing:
Q  U E  R   T   Y   U
.  A   S   D F  G H
Z   C  V B  N
Some kind of cipher, perhaps? Where did it come
from? And why is there a curl
of smoke coming from his
keyboard?
Wait! He's coming to! He
shakes his head, and looks
back towards the glowing
screen. He rereads his latest
attempt at an editorial for The
432. He looks at his watch.
Twenty hours to deadline. No
turning back now. This one
had better fly.
He sets his manly jaw and
begins to type. Slowly, at first,
then with increasing speed and
enthusiasm as the ideas and
words begin to flow.
This might actually work.
The 432 is wholly produced
by students like yourself. (Well,
perhaps eighth-year unclassified isn' t your profile, but you
know what I mean). Ask not
what your paper can do for
you, but— oh, fuck the cliche.
You get my point. If you like
the way we're putting this
together (it is with your ten
bucks, after all), come on in
and I' II find some way for you
help out. If you think we're a
bunch of juvenile assholes who
shouldn't have access to the
presses of this too damned lib
eral country, come on in and
do something about it. I don't
require that anyone have prior
experience in writing or drawing for a newspaper, so if you
think you've got talent, this
could be your big break.
"Ironically, West Edmonton
Mall is something those of us
who've lived here don't understand. With the exception of
the last year, I've lived in
Edmonton for the entire
decade of its existence, and I
feel no closer to an answer.
Really, think about it. What
the hell would possess a man
to pack his chainsmoking wife
and their brood into a
Winnebago, drive anywhere
from several hundred to several thousand klicks, park outside the doors, and spend the
evening discussing tactics and
resting up for the next day's
assault. On a mall. It's a mall,
for crissake. I don't understand
what's so awe-inspiring about
a Zellers. The Winnebago was
probably paid off with Club Z
points, so you know they've
seen at least one in their lifetimes.
People actually videotape
this mall, affectionately known
as "WEM". Your average
voice annotation: "Here's
Martha and Tommy and
Jimmy in front of Entrance 97.
Here we are walking through
Woodwards. Boy, isn't
'WEMming' fun?" Buddy.
Buuuuudie! It's a mall. It's not
goin' anywhere. It's not doin'
anything. If you must have
something to cherish in later
years, take a photo. Showing
this tape to your kids will 1)
cause developmental and
learning problems, 2) make
them resent you throughout
their adolescence, 3) encourage them to experiment with
LSD and paregoric, and 4)
instill in them a paralyzing
phobia of coin-op foot mas-
sagers. Proven facts all.
I used to think Hell just contained a infinitely big room,
full of an infinite number of
Japanese tourists, each with
two full carousels of vacation
slides of Banff. The goal is to
get through every slide show
before the end of time. That's
pretty harsh.but Banff is nice.
It's conceivable that one might
actually enjoy photo after
photo of that scenery. Now I
think there are two rooms. The
first still contains the Nikon
brigade, and you get that if you
haven't been too bad. The second contains Vern after Vern
after Vern, each one with a T-
160 videotape containing a full
eight hours of WEM footage.
People like Dahmer and
Manson will know Zellers
pretty intimately someday —
feel like they've almost been
there."
The young dashing editor
read over the last paragraphs,
nodded and smiled to himself.
One last sentence, though. It
was to be the best sentence yet,
which, in a witty and poignant
manner, would sum up his first
editorial masterpiece. He
poised to type it, and ... nothing.
An exasperated yell! A violent crash! Our hero is found
slumped at his desk...
* * *
Enjoy the rest of the issue.
Later, eh?
Why Not...
Call the following
number in Virginia
and request to speak
to the Chairman of
the Manuel Noriega
Legal Detense Fund?
(703)482-1100
The pleasant and
helpful operator at
the other end will
answer any
questions you may
have.
u
Well, don't look at me! I told him those things had a kick to 'em!"
A Message From The
Dean of Science Office
The wicket at the Dean of
Science Office is open to assist
students as follows:
Monday—Thursday
8:30am — 12:00pm
1:00pm— 4:00pm
Friday
8:30am — 12:00pm
Faculty advisors are available hereon a drop-in basis.
Their schedule is posted each
week (because it DOES
change!) in the hallway outside
the office. Advisors for the
1992/92 academic year are:
Dr. Terry Crawford
Mr. Carlo Giovanella
Dr. Donald McGreer
Dr. Charles Scbwerdtfeger
Dr. James Wtrittaker.
Academic or personal problems are screened at the front
desk, or by phone, and are then
referred to a Faculty Advisor.
Registration Deadlines
8 Sept 92
TELEREG open for late
registration and course
changes.
22 Sept 92
Last date for withdrawal
from a Term 1 course
without withdrawal
standing of "W" recorded
on transcript.
25 Sept 92
Last date for withdrawal
from a two-term course
without withdrawal
standing of "W" recorded
on transcript.
TELEREG closes for
courses starting in
September. After this date
all course changes must be
completed through
faculty/departmental office
using "Change of
Registration" form.
TELEREG remains open
for Term 2 registration.
16 Oct 92
Last date for withdrawal
from a Term 1 course with
a withdrawal standing of
"W" recorded on transcript.
27 Nov 92
Last date for withdrawal
from a two-term course
with a withdrawal standing
of "W" recorded on
transcript.
1 Jan 93
TELEREG unavailable.
2 Jan 93
TELEREG open for Term 2
late registration and course
changes.
18 Jan 93
Last date for withdrawal
from a Term 2 course
without a withdrawal
standing of "W" recorded
on transcript.
TELEREG closes for late
registration and Term 2
course changes.
12 Feb 93
Last date for withdrawal
from a Term 1 course with
a withdrawal standing of
"W" recorded on transcript. VoI6No1 X 8Sept'92   The Four Thirty-Two
The Raisins of Wrath
Patrick Redding
Columnist
Canadians are fond of
replaying history in new and
disturbing ways. Take, for
instance, our modem-day Dust
Bowl migration westward.
The unemployment rate having
gone ballistic with the appeair-
ance of the snake-headed
Recession Monster, all of our
sturdy proletariat friends in
Ontario are scrambling to find
work. These folks, most of
them from the much maligned
Starving-Law-Graduate class,
pack up their CD players, their
Italian sectionals, extra battery
packs for their Motorolas, and
pile these meager belongings
onto the roofs of their Suzuki
Sideflips before striking out
for greener pastures in
Vancouver. Where the sun is
warm (all three weeks of it),
the people are friendly (until
you put them behind the
wheel), and the economy is
recession-proof.
Wrong!!
From where are these middle class refugees from The
Big Stinky Toe getting these
deranged ideas about the
employment situation in our
beloved little fishing village?
Do they think that all of the
young-ish people living in the
Jericho Youth Hostel are here
visiting from Australia?
Funny, they don't have
Australian accents. What do
they infer from the mysterious
lack of postings on the
Employment Office placement
boards? "Ah, these nutty
Vancouverites. Clearly one of
their colourful schizophrenic
street persons has a penchant
for entering government
offices and removing important pieces of information from
bulletin boards. Ha ha. No;
really, where are all the littls
cards?" Or perhaps our Neo-
Oakies dismiss the mobs of
well-educated UI recipients as
typical lazy, hedonistic West
Coasters, coasting through
another indian summer down
on Kits Beach, indulging in the
popular summertime activity
known as Dumpster Diving so
that Terry David Mulligan will
show them on MuchMusic.
Ah ha! Yes.. .television
may be a clue to comprehending this cruel spate of misinformation. It seems completely plausible to suggest that the
ever-responsible Holy Order of
Toronto Media Czars has
decided to have a little fun
with their brothers and sisters
out west, and to this end have
perpetrated a gross LIE upon
the jobless of Ontarioiyoiyo of
the manner: "... And finally in
the news tonight, the new
employment statistics reveal
that British Columbia, which is
quite a ways west along the
TransCanada Highway from
here, is recession-proof. There
are plenty of jobs to be had for
anyone in Eastern Canada who
wishes to pack up all of their
belongings and leave immediately without delaying to conduct unnecessary research.
B.C., by the way, is completely Utopian in every way.
People living there do not age
or suffer from disease. You do
not have to be bilingual, and
stores stay open on Sundays.
Everyone there skis in the
morning and windsurfs in the
afternoon. It's the law. Thank
you and good night."
There is clearly only one
recourse that we
Vancouverites have available
to us in the face of this blatant
conspiracy to undermine our
way of life. We obtain sponsorship from some absurdly
rich Pacific Rim country
and/or group of countries and
apply to the newly-formed
United Nations OverNite
Sovereignty and Border
Modification Registry™. This
is the entity that is responsible
for maintaining up-to-the-
minute records of who's seceded from whom in the former
communist bloc. By virtue of
an obscure sequence of legal
technicalities, it is within this
body's power to bestow upon
individual cities of merit (such
as Vancouver), the status of
Autonomous Free Trade Zone,
a title that brings with it all the
privileges of nation-status,
including the decision of
whether or not to establish
relations with the PLO, but
excluding such insignificant
duties as enforcing copy write
and child labour laws. Thus
isolated from the rest of
Canada, we may impose dra-
conian immigration laws on
our former compatriots, thereby hoarding our Utopian trappings...
A Neat-o Mondo-keen Sports Plug!
David Way
Columnist
A new year at UBC, possibly your first, and you want to
get into the. thick, ol things..
Well, look no further than
Intramural Sports! This is the
program for those of us who
aren't jocks or for those of us
who are jocks and want to
socialize and try a variety of
activities. This is a great way
to meet people, get in shape
and have a blast. Co-rec
(mixed) volleyball, softball
tournament, broomball( if you
haven't tried this one before,
you've just got to), noon-hour
runs and team ultimate frisbee
are just a few of the possibilities. A variety of league sports
are starting up and you can
join an already-forming team
or start your own. There are
often several levels of competition starting with purely
recreational.
Participation in Intramurals
with Science as your 'unit'
earns us points in the campus-
wide Intramurals competition
(so we can whup the
Engineers again; right,
Grover?) and earns you points
towards Science 'letters' (as
in letter jackets; see the
Science Sales manager about
ordering a varsity jacket to put
your letters, etc. on). Acting
as a road marshal, etc. for
intramurals also earns both
you and Science points.
There are other branches of
athletics on campus, too.
Thunderbird Athletics caters:
to those who are serious about
their sports and want to compete at the varsity level. Like:
getting up at 4am on a school
day and working out in the
rain? Join the rowing team.
This may be your ticket to the
Olympics! How about golf?
There are ski teams, soccer,
fencing, rugby, swimming and
many others.
How I Spent My
Summer Vacation
Want to learn new sports or
skills? Campus Recreation
offers courses in various
fields, from over 10 martial
arts to classical Chinese ribbon dance and first aid. There
are also weight facilities and a
pool on campus. Apply early
for a weight room pass as the
popular times go fast (yes,
you buy passes good for certain times of the day).
Pick up a purple Athletics
guide at the Intramurals
office( room 66, downstairs in
the SUB building) or in the
SUS office in Chem 160. Ask
our sports people about getting onto teams. Come give
athletics a try, it can add
another dimension to campus
life for you.
Leona Adams
Imperfectionist
As I drove around this summer, dropping off my resume
hither, thither and yon, I was
truly delighted to note that
some UN committee of which
I had never heard had selected
Canada as the best country in
the world with respect to its
progress in this, that and the
other thing. The first time I
heard it, that is.
The next twenty times I
heard the same ad, I pondered
the concept that taxes on my
textbooks could well be funding such advertisements, as
opposed to something else.
Nothing in particular. A job
creation program or two might
be nice, but how could I underestimate the importance of
telling me how lucky I am to
live here?
Don't get me wrong. I do
love living here, and that's
exactly my point. I don't need
someone to tell me that I love
it, especially someone who
gets paid unholy amounts of
money to do so. To paraphrase
my favourite philosopher, it's
pointless to publicize concepts
which are already common
knowledge. I mean, when was
the last time you heard of
someone raising money to promote the theory that the sun
will rise tomorrow? People
love to support the underdog,
the improbable. This explains
the existence of a lot of things
that we don't generally take
into consideration. Stuff like
the Flat Earth Society.
Infomercials. For that matter,
advertising in general. Political
campaigns. Tabloids. The
Wimmin's Issue of The
Ubyssey. Religious fanaticism.
Television shows devoted to
sightings of UFOs and Elvis.
And the list goes on.
However, being too analytical can be scary. When the
manufacturer lists the ingredients of his product on the side
of the package, is that a list of
what's inside, or what he
hopes is inside? Are there
actually people who can't
grasp the general concept
behind shampoo? If so, are the
manufacturers really helping
by using big words like
"apply" and "lather" in their
instructions?
Sometimes it's necessary to
state the obvious, though,
because people have an inherent reluctance to protect themselves. For instance, take my
biking helmet (please!). Most
of the excuses that I use for not
wearing it are the same ones
people use for not wearing
lifejackets, seatbelts, or condoms: 1) it's
uncomfortable/too tight, 2) it's
reduces my enjoyment, and 3)
I've been ing (insert
appropriate activity) for years
without an accident. The only
excuse that's unique to my helmet is the fact that it messes up
my hair.
I think humans are naturally
lazy, wondering how little we
can get away with, as opposed
to how much we can do. That
is unless you're one of those
keeners who's upset it he/she
doesn't get an A+ in every
course. Not that I have anything against keeners; I used to
be one. Then I came to university and ... well, does the
phrase "throw caution to the
wind" mean anything to you?
But seriously, priorities are
fine on paper, but in practical
usage, they get you into lose-
lose situations: you're always
missing out on something. So,
my philosophy, in thirty words
or less: If you have something
to do, do it. If you get sidetracked along the way, relax
and enjoy the ride. You'll end
up in the right place, eventually.
Submission Guidelines
Writers:
1) If you must submit something
handwritten, keep it legible, and
bear in mind that I'm not a fan
of purple ink.
2) If you go to the trouble of
typing it up, try to submit on
disk. Mac users can save it as a
TeachText-format file, and MS-
DOS users should submit in
DOS text format. 3.5" disks
only, please.
Artists:
1) For art, I'm not very crazy
about either purple or blue ink.
Black is best.
2) Do your work roughly double
the size you'd like it printed.
Everyone should include their full
name and phone nuamber on
everything they submit.
If you'd like to bounce some ideas
around, I can be reached at 822-
4235.
00
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and Executive Scapegoat
X
EDITORIAL
Contributing Writers Leona Adams, Janice Boyle,
Aaron Drake, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller,
Patrick Redding, Roger Watts, David Way.
X
ART    and    DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig
Contributing Artists Aaron Drake, Roger Watts.
X
PRODUCTION
Desktop Production Claude and Wile E.
Printer CollegePrinters, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor Armies of the Night, Inc.
«Sn>tmb«.1«3,Vol6,H!!l
The 432 is published biweekly by Ihe Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC, Somewhere dose to Main MaB and University Bvd. We general^
make cufc hats out of our mail, especially the politically correct stuff, so
don't bother sending any. The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 1 jc 8 Sept '92
Quack Shots
Angry
DUCK
I'd welcome you to UBC,
but I'm not all that sure I
should.
After all, no one welcomed
me to UBC.
Instead, I think I'll warn
you. Up to this point, you
have only been told the good
stuff. There are a lot of things
the University, the AMS, and
SUS will tell you about, but
you can bet that you won't
hear about the bad things
from those booger-picking
buttheads (I mean all that in a
good way, of course).
For instance, no one is
going to tell you about
English 100. Not only does
your English 100 prof
encourage you to develop
and explore your opinions
about James Joyce, but he
also believes that your opinions are
a)in need of fine-tuning to
bring out the subtle points
in your arguments, and
b) wrong.
So here's my first warning.
Don't identify yourself to a
professor. After all, the only
people that they can vent
their wrath on will be the
ones whose names they
know. For that matter, it
would be best to forego
attending classes altogether,
lest an angry professor
springs a malicious quiz on
you. I learned all that the
hard way, from a long string
of "friendly" professors upon
whom, if you shaved all their
hair, you would find The
Mark Of The Beast.
Second, you probably feel
that the Science
Undergraduate Society is a
place where not only can
learn valuable insights in the
political process of give and
take, in a society that works
diligently towards providing
the very best for their constituents.
Hah. I laugh hard. Two
years on the SUS Council
certainly educated me!
The Honourable SUS
President: Next to speak,
on the subject of the fee
levy will be Aaron Drake
ME: Madame Chairman I
would agree with the Vice
President that while the
extraneous fee levied on
the constituents is notwithstanding such provisions
as could be outlined and -
(spills beer)
The Honourable Vice
President of External
Affairs: Spillage!!
The Honourable Physics
Society Representative:
Spillage!
The Not-So-Honourable
Math Department
Representative: Chug!
Chug! Chug-a-lug!
Third, you probably
believe that the best way to
savour the journalistic experience is to write for the 432.
I admit you do savour it, but
in much the same way you
savour scratching your butt.
However, if you are stupid
enough to aspire to the rank
of editor of the 432 (as I was,
many years back), you are in
for a surprise. Editors of the
432 will tell you that there
are some unspoken journalistic 432 rules:
1) Deadline is Swedish for
"I'll have it finished
tomorrow."
2) Everything is much funnier at 4am, two hours
before the paper must be at
the printers, and you are
desperately trying to fill
two pages. Yet, mysteriously, the next day, after
the newspaper is printed, it
seems much less funny.
3) In the same vein, as editor,
you will spend far too
much time trying to find a
word that rhymes with
booger (or at least I did).
4) Columnists hate you.
Finally, I will warn you not
to listen to the so-called
experts who tell you never to
cram the night before exams.
This, of course, is a communist pinko plot to ruin your
university life.
Keep in mind that not only
should you study all night
before an important exam.but
you should also make a concerted effort to ignore your
notes for the entire term until
that night. In that way, you
will have gained the leverage
necessary to make yourself
study all night. Finally, there
are two other essential items
to an all-nighter.
The first of these is coffee,
and preferably chocolate covered coffee beans, because
you will eat these like candy.
At about Midnight, you will
start to resonate with the
60MHz AC current in the
walls.
The second essential item
is more people, preferably
ones who aren't studying the
same thing as you. This
lessens the chance that you
will ask one of them for
advice when you are
stumped. Instead, you will
discuss whether or not God
would need a cosigner for a
loan, because he has no credit
rating.
It is only during these all-
night sessions, that you can
truly discover yourself, and
when you discover yourself,
you will discover that your
are a babbling slob with coffee-stained teeth. Upon this
discovery, you will be unable
to study any further, and will
feel a chocolate-covered coffee bean induced urge to race
your friends around the halls
of the Hennings building at
3 am. After exhausting yourself, but still chattering with
caffeine.you will race around
the halls backwards, then
blindfolded, and finally stark-
raving naked, while your
quote-loyal trustworthy
friends-unquote stuff your
clothes into the Physics
Department Mail Slot.
Um, not like that kind of
thing has ever happened to
me.
c:
m^S
c:
Chemistry Society of Canada
UBC Student Chapter
LOCKER
RENTALS
Want to rent a locker in CHEM?
All renewals & rentals are done
through the CSC in CHEM D228.
Renewals are handled from Sept
8-15. Chemistry, Biochemistry
and First Year Science students
can start renting new lockers on
Sept 16. Rentals to the general
public begin on Sept 22. Rental
cost for the 92/93 academic year
is $10.
LABORATORY
MANUAL   SALES
All second, third and fourth year
lab manuals, as well as the CHEM
103 lab manual, are being sold
through the CSC in CHEM D228.
First year lab manuals (other than
CHEM 103) are being sold at the
Bookstore.
SPECIAL BULLETIN!
Due to the intervention of various higher powers over the summer, the SUS Exec positions of
Internal VP and Director of Sports are once
again up for grabs!
Social climbers, please come to CHEM 160 for
a nomination form. Nominations close at noon
on Thursday, September 10.
A slow day at the Animal Sciences Lab. Vol 6 No 1 X 8 Sept '92   The Four Thirty-Two
University of British Columbia
Science Undergraduate Society
The U.B.C. Science Undergraduate Society is now
accepting nominations for the following positions:
Science Sales - Special Orders
Science Sales - Bookkeeper
Science Sales - Sale;. Booth Co-ordinator
These positions will last for the 1992-1993 Winter Session.
A minimum of only 1 office hour per week is required.
Payment is commission based on items sold.
If you have any questions, please contact Michael Chow,
Sales Manager, in the S.U.S. office in room CHEM 160,
phone number 822-4235.
Please leave a message for him if he's not available.
Feel free to leave a message on the answering machine,
or attend any of our scheduled S.U.S. Council meetings.
I
| Name
I
I
Preferred title
I Complete the following ONLY If female
j Preferred height of date:
(I'm 6'4" and I think fuzzy bunnies are cute.)
I
I
I
L.
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
I Write humourous/satirical/stupid article here, clip,
I and return to: Ryan McCuaig, SUS Director of
j Publications, CHEM 160.
FROSH WEEK.
All next week. SUB South Plaza.
Derek K.
MILLER
A quick update: When we
last left our intrepid hero, Dik
Miller, he was working as
Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer for
UBC. Previous to that he had
made his fame as Dik Miller,
Private Eye; Dik Miller,
Campus Cowboy; Dik Miller,
Physical Plant; Dik Miller,
Gulf War Correspondent; Dik
Miller, Food Services; Dik
Miller; Unemployed Bum; Dik
Miller, Arts Faculty Advisor;
and Dik Miller, Commercial
Sellout to the Pit Pub (see your
Inside UBC for details).
Needless to say, he's been
around.
One day, while disguised as
a janitor in the Electrical
Engineering building, he convinced a visiting Vancouver
Sun reporter that the
Electricals were constructing
an Inter-Building Ballistic
Missle (IBBM) and aiming it at
the AMS Women's Centre in
the Student Union Building.
Thinking that true mayhem
was to ensue, even though
Miller was lying his face off
(and saying he was Dean of
Applied Science while at it),
the reporter blew the whistle in
a news story and was subsequently kidnapped by the
Electrical Engineers, who
were now threatening to stick
a 9-volt battery to his tongue,
then to move on to other body
parts from there.
The last thing Miller said
when we left him was:
"I know how to handle this.
I'm coming in!"
I stormed the door to the
Electrical Engineering club
room and kicked it open with
my Dik Miller™ door kicker
boots/emergency pontoons.
I was immediately snared by
a huge nylon net and hoisted
high into the air by an ingenious catapult mechanism
which, while bundling me into
an inescapable tangle, also
banged my head on the ceiling.
"Ow," I said, hanging several metres off the ground. "That
hurt."
I looked down to see a large
throng of red-jacketed engineers pointing up at me, laughing, and saying "geek" a lot.
"Oh sure," I sneered, "you
may chortle now, but you'll
pay for this sooner or later.
You really will."
One of them looked ap at
me. "Say hello to the geek!" he
cried.
"HELLO DIK MILLER!"
the rest yelled in unison.
The first one looked smug.
"Say hello to Dik Miller,
Campus Enforcer!" he cried.
"HELLO, GEEK!" the rest
yelled in unison.
"Very funny," I replied, trying to look imperious. That
wasn't too easy while I was
twisted into an awkward variation of the fetal position in a
net hanging from the ceiling,
but at least I made the effort.
"Where's the reporter?"
"WHAT REPORTER?!"
they all asked in unison.
"Look," I said. "I know
you're holding the reporter
from the Vancouver Sun
hostage because he wrote a
story about you guys building
an IBBM to blow up the
Women's Centre."
"You call him a reporter?"
the first 'geer sniffed. "Tabloid
hack, maybe, but not a
reporter."
"He was working on poor
information," I said.
"YOU CAN SAY THAT
AGAIN!" the 'geers said in
unison.
"He was working on poor
information," I repeated.
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND RHETORICAL
DEVICES, YOU GEEK?!"
they bellowed back at me.
"Sorry. But I know that he
was writing on the basis of
information given to him by an
unreliable source, and that
none of his accusations were
true."
"How do you know that?"
the first engineer asked.
"Ummm...er...uh, top
secret," I mumbled.
He gave the rope which held
up my net a quick tug, and my
head whacked into the ceiling
again.
"Ow!" I yelled.
He looked steely-eyed.
"How do you know that?"
"Uh, 'cause...er...a little
birdy told him. A stupid little
birdy."
Pull. Whack. "Ow!"
"How do you know that?"
he asked.
"Uh, well. Damn. Okay. I
told him."
"WHAT?!" the geers all
shouted in unison.
"He pissed me off the day
before and I figured I'd get
him back when he asked me
about you guys. So I lied about
the IBBM and told him I was
Axel Meisen."
There was silence and deadly stares.
"But I didn't mean to get
you guys in trouble! Really! I
didfl*iiMhk anyone WMA
believe me!" I was getting desperate, wishing that I hadn't
left my Dik Miller™ net cutter/chestnut screw/pogo stick
in my other pants.
"Okay," said the first engineer. "Let the reporter go."
One of the other EE's
walked over to a side door and
opened it, revealing the Sun
reporter just finishing the last
of a chugged pint of beer.
"Hey man!" said the
reporter. "What's happening?"
"You can leave."
The reporter's face fell. "Oh
man, why? I was havin' a great
time. And that battery on the
tongue trick was really cool!"
"Get the hell out." With
that, the reporter was picked
up bodily by a number of engineers and pitched out the main
door, knocking over the crack
RCMP SWAT team who had
been poring over a freshly-
delivered case of Tim Horton
donuts. The door was shut
again.
"Well, Miller," said the first
'geer, "I think you know what
happens now."
"No!" I cried. "Anything but
that!"
"Yes, we have no choice."
The entire bunch let out a
monstrous chant. "ROSE-
BOWL!"
Rosebowling involves being
carried to a toilet and having
one's head flushed.
Repeatedly. It's very cold and
more than slightly humiliating.
Nevertheless, it's better than
being stripped, tarred, and
feathered, which is what I figured would happen.
I was drying myself with my
Dik Miller™ hankie when one
of the engineers came up to
me.
"We had to do that, you
realize," he said.
"Yeah, yeah, I guess." I
wrung out the hankie.
"I hate it when those
reporters get wrong information."
"I promise I won't do it
again."
"Good. 'Cause next time we
actually might aim our IBBM
at the Women's Centre."
I did a double take. "You
actually have an Inter-Building
Ballistic Missile?"
"Yeah. And nobody knew
about it until you leaked it."
"But I made it up!"
"You did?"
"Yeah."
"You mean it was all just a
rumour, but it happened to be
true, and nobody really knew
we had an IBBM aimed at The
Ubyssey offices?"
"No."
He turned around. "TAR
AND FEATHER TANKING!"
he shouted.
Uhoh. The Four Thirty-Two   V0I6N0I j( 8Sept'92
THE AD PAGE
Long live the glorious
capitalist empire!
^a\ Vol 6 No 1 X 8 Sept '92   The Four Thirty-Two
"Article? For when? Whadd'you mean TODAYV."
oger
WATTS
Well, here we are again.
Another gleeful year of self-
inflicted torture that we all
worked four back-breaking
months to earn. (Sorry if I
sound a little pessimistic.
School just doesn't leave me
with that shiny-new feeling
anymore like it used to. It's a
bit like that seventh or eighth
beer - you can't really taste it
anymore, and you know it's
just gonna give you a big
headache in the end.)
But, hey, who among us am
actually say that we're here for
the sole reason of going to
school? After all, as Mark
Twain said, "A good student
never lets studying interfere
with his education." And so,
on that note, I thought it would
be appropriate to kick off this
year with a short guide to the;
finer things on campus to see.
We'll even throw in a note or
two on how to avoid the things
around here that would just
make you want to chew your
own foot off.
THE GOOD STUFF
1. The 432. (Hey, I have a job
to keep.) Without doubt the
finest little bit of paper for
miles around. Always full of
interesting things to read
between classes, and the
ideal place to leave messages for your friends and/or
trash the Ubyssey. Also
makes useful and attractive
items such as placemats,
rain hats, wallpaper and
oven mitts. (And don't come
crying to me with no hands
if you actually believe that
last one.)
. Free parking. That's right,
folks. I parked my truck on
Wesbrook Mall opposite the
Winter Sports Centre all last
year and didn't pay a red
cent. The catch is, it's a bit
of a walk, but not much
more than walking to B-Lot,
which costs a lot to park in.
You'll have to be quick for
the freebie, though - it fills
up fast in the morning.
. Bzzr gardens. There's
always one going on somewhere. And you won't find
cheaper hooch anywhere.
There's even a club dedicated to hitting bzzr gardens as
they happen. Check it out.
4. Intramural sports. Play 'em.
They're great fun, and a
good way to get exercise if
you're not a jogging freak.
(I'll just take this opportunity to tell all you hockey
players out mere that the
Science Div. 1 team needs
talent. Come leave me a
message in SUS.)
5. Pie R Squared. A good
place to get great pizza for
the right price. In SUB.
6. The Observatory. Located in
the Astronomy building.
Good for seeing stars. (Then
again, so is falling down the
stairs onto the dance floor at
the Pit.)
7. SUB Films. Good movies
cheap. Nuff said.
8. AMS Barbecue. This week.
Plenty of all the good things
in life (eg. beverage, babes,
bands, burgers, and balloons
for the kids.)
A couple of evil things to
watch for:
1. The Ubyssey. One scary bit
of newsprint. Articles about
such pertinent issues as sex
with vegetables. Whatever
you do, don't line your cat
box with it. Your cat will
consider it redundant to crap
in there.
2. UBC Food Services. The
cinnamon buns are a little
overrated, and everything
else is downright scary.
That's about it, really.
mundane    dumpster
Editor's Note: This year we had
some difficulty deciding on an
undergarment-related title for the
President's column. While not as
obvious as Gio's "G-strings" from
last year, we feel that this new title
could, depending on one's mental
state, bring underwear to mind.
So, without further ado, The 432
presents:
 Carmen Geddit!
Carmen McKnight
Welcome back! There have
been a few additions at the
Science Undergraduate Society
since last year. Drop by and
check out our new pop
machine (only 750 per can!).
We've also upgraded the photocopier to a more modern
model. Copies are still only 50,
though!
If you are new to SUS, we
have a lot of other stuff to
offer, including laser printing
services, darts, a refrigerator
and microwave, cheap coffee
(250), sofas to hang/pass out
on, and lots of friendly SUS
types (who might recruit you
to do something really interesting). If you would like to get
involved, ask us about helping
with Science Week, our
dances, or the 432.
If you are really want to get
involved, our year and department rep elections are coming
up soon. Nominations open
this week. As well, the Exec
positions of Internal VP and
Director of Sports are now up
for grabs, since Lica was
revealed to be a double agent
for Pharmacy and Jon was captured by saucer aliens over the
summer. Not sure what these
jobs entail? Drop by our council meetings, Thursdays at
1:30pm in SUB 206.
Visit us in CHEM 160 during our Open House in the first
week of classes, from 11:30am
to 1:30pm every day. There
will be free food, drinks, and
loads of good conversation.
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
I was politely informed,
only minutes before the publication deadline (Ed: 20 000 of
them, to be exact), that I,
Janice Boyle, esteemed AMS
rep for SUS, needed to write
about what I did this summer. I
was also told that I could only
talk about the AMS (or else we
would have had to print ten
pages instead of eight). As I
sat down to write, I realized
that I couldn't remember any
business-like stuff I did for the
AMS. I remember stopping in
for some free cookies and pop
every three weeks, though.
This v/ould have been a pretty
short column if I hadn't just
found all of my past minutes.
Well, I'll try to piece together
what I did as best as I can,
through the spilt coffee rings
and smeared chocolate...
March 31: Two things happened that would evoke a
kind of dispirited "Oh,
neat" on the scale of interesting AMS momenis. We
had one big, long motion
regarding the strike that was
amended into oblivion, and
we hired the AMS
Executives for the summer.
I don't think a year goes by
when someone doesn't try
to have the Exec wages
dropped below minimum
wage. I also don't think it
ever matters how capable
they are, someone always
has to complain. Mind you,
if we didn't have any com-
plainers to bitch about,
Council would be too dull
and people would stop coming to watch us all make
fools of ourselves.
April 15: The muffins were
better than usual.
May 6: We appointed several
people to some different
committees. The coffee was
too strong.
June 3: Now, I could have
sold tickets to that meeting.
It was then that the
Coordinator of External
Affairs, Marya Mc Vicar,
tried to get AMS funding
for a film dealing with the
issue of date rape. I realized
going into this meeting that
it was a sensitive issue, but
I hadn't realized quite how
sensitive. We yelled at each
other for a couple of hours,
and finally passed the
motion to provide funding
(by one vote). We needed a
meeting like that just to get
the adrenaline flowing
again. We also saw the
highest attendance in ages.
It's funny how when people
hear that a "controversial"
issue will be discussed, they
actually show up. As an
aside, the finished film will
be shown at a special AMS
meeting on September 9.
It'll be at 6:30 in the
Council Chambers.
July 8: we appointed more
people to more committees.
A bit anticlimactic, considering the recent fracas.
August 19:1 wasn't there. I
was at home in Edmonton
worshipping the sun god.
(Ed: She's lying. I was in
Edmonton for August, too.
It snowed and dropped to
around zero for a week). I
did find out that Council
volunteered to give money
to a film about AMS past
prez Kurt Preinsperg. I
couldn't believe it. We
wrangled for most of an
evening over giving money
to a film on date rape — a
fairly important issue —
and they open your wallets
to someone who wants to
do a biography on a past
member? What happened to
"We have better places to
spend the AMS' money,
like the Women's Centre or
the Global Development
Centre. We should spend it
on our service organizations
instead of on film about
date rape."? Did someone
spike the coffee while I was
gone?
CRRC Shorts
Patrick Lum
Those of you with a good memory from last year will remember
something about a curriculum
renewal and review committee
making some changes to the
Science curriculum. Well, that
time has come and the "Special
meeting of the Faculty" has been
arranged for Sept. 17, at 12:30 in
(room) Math 100. The general
purpose of these changes is to
update the BSc degree to provide
more flexibility in the first and
second years, and to mandate
more breadth in the third and
fourth years. Below are the recommendations; you can decide for
yourself whether or not the objectives are being met.... Any (useful) comments can be left for me
at the SUS, Chem B160.
Recommendations on First Year
Requirements
1) That all students in the Faculty
of Science be required to complete six credits of 100 level
English, of which at least three
credits must be taken in First
Year.
2) That all students in the Faculty
of Science be required to complete, in First Year,
Mathematics 100 and 101 (or
120 and 121).
3) That all students in the Faculty
of Science be required to complete six credits each of 100
level Chemistry and Physics.
4) That all students in the Faculty
of Science with Grade. 12 credit
in either Chem or Physics may
defer that subject until Second
Year. However, no more than
six credits in total of first-year
Chemistry, English, or Physics
may be deferred.
5) That the Departments of
Chemistry and Physics give
serious consideration to splitting
each of Physics 120 and the 099
Section of Chemistry 120 into
two three credit courses, and
that all departments in the
Faculty of Science be encouraged to develop three-credit
First Year courses.
Recommendations on
Graduation Requirements
6) That in the last three years of
any Major program the total
requirements that may be specified shall not exceed 57 credits,
and in any one of these years
shall not exceed 21 credits.
7) That the number of credits
numbered 300 or higher
required for the B.Sc. degree be
increased from 42 to 48, and
that of these, at least 30 credits
must be in Science courses.
8) That all Major students be
required to complete a minimum of 24 credits outside the
Faculty of Science; of these at
least 18 credits must be in the
Faculty of Arts (including six
credits of first-year English),
and the remaining six credits
may be taken in any Faculty
other than Science.
9) That of the remaining elective
credits (15 or more) at least
nine credits must be in Science
electives outside the field of the
Major, or in Arts; the remaining
electives may be taken in any
courses in Arts or in Science,
including the field of the Major.
10) That the Department(s)
responsible for each B.Sc.
Major program in the Faculty
be asked to submit a list of subjects and/or courses they consider to be in the "field" of that
Major, keeping in mind the
breadth mandated in 9).
11) That all Major students in the
Faculty of Science be required
to complete at least three credits
of Life Science and to complete
at least three credits of either
Earth Science or Computer
Science for the B.Sc. degree;
and that the departments concerned be encouraged to develop suitable courses, preferably
at the Third Year level, if none
are now available.
Other Recommendations
12) That each department offering a B.Sc. program examine
and critically re-evaluate co-
and pre- requisite statements for
all its undergraduate courses,
with a view to eliminating all
such non-essential statements.
13) That supplemental examinations in the Faculty of Science
be abolished.
14) That this Final Report be
referred at an early date to a
special meeting of the Faculty
of Science for ratification and
approval.
Note: this proposal does not
affect the Honours program, and
will not affect students presently
enrolled in the B.Sc. 8
The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 1 I 8 Sept '92
A chance to find out everything you've ever wondered
about UBC, but never got around to asking.
•. ^A iaiJ,...      iA-f..»J«    O    Shrum Lounge, Place Vanier
U/WMfc<MW 4:00 pm to 6:u0pm
*, , •       *        tnt   Totem Park Ballroom
JXJUAAAWAI  * AiWWWbtl \U   4:30 pm to 6:30 pm
Door prizes! Free pizza, pop & chips! Ooo!
Special thanks to Pizza Hut, Coca-Cola, and Old Dutch.
HUNGRY § POWER?
SUS Year/Department Rep Elections
GUIDELINES FOR CANDIDATES IN THE
S.U.S. YEAR AND DEPARTMENT REP. ELECTIONS
DATES:
**Nominations open from Wednesday, September 9,1992 to 6:00 p.m.
Wednesday, September 23,1992.
**Voting will take place on Wednesday, October 7 & Friday, October 9,
1992 from 10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. in CHEMISTRY, COMPUTER SCIENCE,
HEBB THEATRE, WESBROOK, & WOODWARD. On Thursday, October
8, in CHEMISTRY and HEBB THEATRE only.
CAMPAIGNING:
1. Campaigning is defined as the addressing of classes, the posting of
campaign materials and any other form of advertising for the candidate.
2. Every candidate for a contested position must publicize his or her
candidacy.
3. Campaigning will be limited to the day after nominations close,
Thursday, September 24,1992 to 9:00 p.m. Tuesday, October 6,1992.
4. Posters in their full size may not be larger than 11" x 17". Every poster
must display the "Science Elections" logo, no smaller than provided by
the Elections Commissioner. Posters must include the dates of voting,
the locations of the five polling stations and inform students to bring
their AMS cards to vote.
5. Costs of campaigning may not exceed $50.00 per candidate, calculated
on the fair market value of the campaign materials. Photocopies of all
receipts and estimates must be submitted to the Elections Commissioner
by 4:00 p.m. Thursday, October 15,1992.
6. A copy of every poster used by candidates in the election must be
submitted to the Elections Commissioner by 4:00 p.m., Monday, October
5th. In addition, four (4) posters of each candidates choice shall be
submitted before voting for each poll station. (Apart from these posters,
no campaign materials will be allowed within a 5m radius of the polling
station.)
nominations lor sus year/department rep positions
open Wednesday September 9 1992
close 9pm Wednesday September 231992
first    year    x    2
second    year    x    3
third    year    x    3
fourth    year    x    3
biochem
biology
chemistry
comp    sci
geography
geology
e o p h y s    |    astro
math
microbi
oceanography
pharmacology
physics
physiology
b i o p s y c h
general
WARNING:      MOVING, ALTERING, DEFACING, OR ANY WAY
INTERFERING WITH THE APPROVED CAMPAIGN MATERIALS OF
ANOTHER CANDIDATE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, UNDER
PENALTY OF REMOVAL FROM THE BALLOT. THE RESPONSIBILTY
LIES WITH EACH CANDIDATE TO ENFORCE THIS REGULATION.
THE ELECTIONS COMMISSIONER WILL INVESTIGATE ALL
IRREGULARITITES.
BALLOT COUNTING:
1. No candidate may attend the ballot counting, although each candidate
may appoint one scrutineer to be present. Names of scrutineers must be
submitted to the Elections Commissioner by the close of polling, 2:30
p.m. on Friday, October 9,1992.
2. Any candidate may request a recount. This must occur within 72 hours
of the release of the official elections results. The request must be made
in writing to the Elections Commissioner.
NOTE: The Elections Commissioner will settle any disputes and report all
problems to Council. The Elections Commissioner's decision may be
appealed to Council and be overturned.
** Any candidate found in violation of the above rules will be removed
from the ballot and disqualified. The candidate may be removed from
the ballot retroactively. **
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