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The 432 Mar 1, 2000

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01 MARCH 2000
In this issue:
Evil Contests!
;£ wife £■?**•*-   .
'The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book, as the whore is of the decent woman/
--The Goncourt Brothers, 1858
Oil Discovered Under Stanley
Park, Drilling to Commence
Environmentalists Vow to Stop Drilling by "Any Means Necessary"
Vancouver, REUTERS
Oil has been discovered under Stanley
Park, escalating the battle between
environmentalists    and   the   Parks
The disclosure that the Parks board has been
in secret negotiations with Exxon for exclusive
drilling rights has set off a massive protest by
environmentalists and human rights agencies.
The Sierra Club and Greenpeace, two international organizations dedicated to the conservation of the environment, have denounced what
they call the desecration of the park.
"Exxon has a history of crushing on human
rights at and near its drilling sites," said
Yvonne Radford, spokesperson for the Sierra
Club. "They cannot be allowed to drill in
Stanley Park. They will destroy the pristine
forest, slaughted innocent animals and crush
the spirits of Vancouverites. They must be
stopped." She went on to detail the protests
that the Sierra Club has planned for the area,
which include massive civil disobedience, tree
climbing, tree hugging, marches and bake
Vancouver Parks Board chair Richard Quinn
believes that the distribution of drilling rights
is the best thing that could have happened to
Vancouver. "The Parks Board has been in a
tight financial position for years now. With the
money that we will receive from Exxon, we
can do so many things that we never even
thought possible. We can widen the Causeway, elevate a pedestrian walkway on both
sides of the road, even build those whales a
bigger tank! The benefits do not restrict themselves to Stanley Park alone. We can now buy
more parkland across the city, upgrade our
services, offer more summer programs, buy us
all more gas-efficient cars, pave the roads
across the city again, everything we've always
wanted to do. Plus, this means that the price of
gas in Vancvouer can drop back down to 20
cents a litre! We can all afford to buy gas
AND change our oil again! Forgive my language, but this is fucking awesome!"
The UBC Environmental Club is on side with
the Sierra Club and Greenpeace. They have
made a call to their members and all UBC students to join the protests at Stanley Park. In an
email sent out, they claim that "now is the
time to protect the one piece of undisturbed
land left in the lower mainland. We must protect what is ours."
SUS Executive Secretary and newly elected
Senator-at-Large, Keri Gammon, said she was
"horrified" at the destruction of the parkland,
and vowed to find the parties responsible,
leaving no stone unturned and no drawer
Geologists in the UBC Faculty of Science
have expressed bafflement at the location of
the oil. "This part of the province has never
been under the unique pressures that create
natural gas deposits," explains Sam Kershaw,
a geologist working at the University. "For
one thing, we are too close to the continental
shelf for any oil to form. Second, the Park is
in an area that is too seismically active. Over
the span of the last few millenia, there have
been so many seismic disturbances that any oil
or natural gas would have redistributed into
the sediments and the deep sea. Who tested
this land, Bre-X? There can't be oil down
The scientists at the Exxon headquarters in
Seattle responded with scientific findings from
the recent NASA shuttle flight, which mapped
the contours of the earth's surface. "Upon
examination of the computerized maps, it was
found that the ground of Stanley Park resembles the land near the Albertan oil fields and
the Sudanese tar fields. Based upon that
knowledge, we drilled. And we struck gold!
Black gold, that is," said company spokesperson Eric Danielson. "Is it so hard to believe?     where blame should be laid.
SUB Theatre Convert
ed to Dance Studio
My good friend Jeb struck oil when he was out
huntin' and he got to move to Beverly Hills.
It's karma that I would be involved in a similar find."
Residents of North and West Vancouver are
poised to join the fight with the environmentalists. They claim that their property values
will dramatically drop when drilling rigs are
constructed, obscuring the view of Vancouver
harbour from the North Shore. "We will
receive none of the monetary benefits from the
drilling and full impact from the environmental destruction," said West Vancouver city
mayor Ron Wood. "The citizens of West Vancouver object vehemently to this plan."
In the face of such strong public dissent, it is
completely out of character for the NDP government to be silent about such an important
environmental issue, but they are. Environmental minister Joan Sawicki has been out of
the country at a G7 nations environmental conference, and her ministry has no comment
when contacted. It is speculated that so soon
after a cabinet shuffle, no one will claim
responsibility for such a momentous public
relations disaster. Once the provincial legislature resumes sitting, the story will come out
and the public will know who, what, when and
Point Gray, CP.
In an effort to free up club booking space in
the Student Union Building, SAC plans to
convert the Norm Theatre into a professional dance studio as stage four of the SUB
Strategic Plan. The first draft of the plan will
be discussed at the March 8 AMS Council
The outgoing Director of Administration,
Tina Chiao, has nothing but praise for the
plan. "We have had numerous complaints
from clubs unable to make bookings in the
evenings. Dance Club, which has over 2500
members, constantly books the upper level of
SUB every night of the week. Just the other
day, someone barged into my office and told
me that he just couldn't stand it anymore
because everyone was dancing! We feel that
this step is the best for all involved."
Incoming Vice President Administration, second year Mark Fraser, agreed with his predecessor's plan, vowing to carry her fight until
the bitter end.
While no official AMS channels recognize the
fact that Filmsoc is being pushed out of its traditional theatre space, Filmsoc members are
understandably vocal about the move. "The
administration told us that we can show videos
in our office space. What the heck does that
mean?" asked Filmsoc member Julia Buss.
"We make some serious money with that theatre, as well as provide a much-needed service
for all UBC students. The AMS couldn't find
their collective head if they had both hands
free to grope their ass. They have no clue as
to what they are doing with this strategic
Clubs that will have more access to SUB
bookings are pleased with the decision. The
Booster Club, for example, will no longer
have to hold their evening practices in the hallway, and the AMS webmaster can finally get
office space in the SUB.
The plan is set to receive preliminary authorization on March 8, with tenders being
opened on March 10. PAGE TWO
01 MARCH 2000
Stalkers or Misunderstood?
Volume Thirteen
Issue Nine
01 March 2000
Bree Baxter
Assistant Editors
Jay Garcia
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Dan Anderson
Bree Baxter
Timothy Chan
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Aarne Hamalainen
Joanna Karaplis
Sean Martin
Jake McKinlay
Trevor Presley
Kate Saenko
Reka Sztopa
Ben Tippett
Legal Information
The 432 is published once e in a
while from the basement of the
Chemistry Building. The 432 is the
official constitutionally protected
publication of the Science Undergraduate Society and science students in general.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists from every faculty are
encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must
meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
All fiction herein is strictly factual,
and is in no way to be confused with
the fiction found therein.
God bless coffee and the Talking
This issue was powered by the following: A certain Finland import.
Quinine, Twenty Engineers, three
deadline and crackers.
If you have any complaints, we
have an email address you can
send complaints to. If s at the top of
the paper. Don't go to the Dean's
office. Just as we can't get you into
Biol 334, they can't do anything
about us. Or you could just write for
us and be done with it. Thaf s a
good plan. Zoom.
I wanna be a befta splenden.
Sean Martin
Ben Tippett
Restraining Order
One of the favorite past times of
deranged v celebrity-loving psychotics
and obsessed ex-lovers alike is stalking. It is a task which can be used positively or
negatively, to achieve your wishes of letting
that special someone know that you really like
them, or wish that they would just drop dead.
In most cases, it continues to the point where
someone gets scared and cops become
involved, which makes everything confusing
and messy (so I've heard). It is now the year
2000, and stalking is changing with the times.
CYBER-STALKING! In theory, it seems to be
an easier way to get your stalking done. I am
new to this term and concept, however a friend
in residence (Glen: Names have been altered
to protect the innocent) has recently become a
victim of this new crime. I felt it was my duty
to help.
Let us start from the top:
Out of the blue, a complete stranger sends
Glen an e-mail saying "Isn't love painful?"
Odd. Now, Glen has never met this person
before. No name given, just the message.
Heeding his parent's well-worn advice to
never talk to strangers, Glen quickly replies,
"No?" A response arrived the next day, saying, "Yes it is. And I think that you think so
The original question has 'freak' written all
over it, and the second just screams,
"FREAK! FREAK WOMAN! Stop scaring
Glen!" Again, Glen, being the inquisitive idiot
that he is, responded.
Q: "and how do you know?"
A:  "oh I know more about you than you
Now, although the other messages were
weird, after the third, this has officially registering the girl as a stalker. Not because of
three strikes you're out, but more because she
is claiming to know a lot about him, without
giving any indication that Glen might know
her. That spells STALKER! Glen, being the
epitome of observation, a true paragon of caution, responded true to form with, "How do
you know?" She responded with "Oh I know
you. I've been watching you for awhile now
and just found out your e-mail address." This
is where I was brought in. Glen heeded help
with the situation, and calling the police to say
that his computer was scaring him just wasn't
going to cut it. We have a full-fledged stalker
on our hands, and we needed more information (by deductive reasoning, we concluded
that she has obviously never seen or talked to
Glen in person, for if she had, she would not
want to know him, let alone stalk him). The e-
mail address was cross-referenced to reveal
the person's identity. We now had her name,
home phone number, address, and a map to
her house in rural Saskatchewan. Now, stalking from Saskatchewan sounds like a tall task,
so an assumption was made that she might be
from Saskatchewan, but attending UBC. Proof
was needed. This is where the genius (and
more idiocy) comes into play. An anonymous
e-mail address was created with a name similar to hers, and a user id exactly the same. We
emailed her that night, saying how we tried to
sign up for a hotmail account with our user
name, but that it was already taken (by her),
and we just wanted to know who had the name
we thought was so cool. A brilliant idea, yielding instant trust. The next morning, she had a
replied and had told us all about herself. As it
turns out, Glen's stalker is...a 17-year-old high
school student (What's next Glen? Elementary
School? Preschool? Daycare?). We still did
not know where she got Glen's name, or how
she knew of him. Glen assures me that he has
never heard of her, although it is possible that
he is lying to keep his dirty, dirty past from
being leaked to the public. Either way, we had
something to work with. Not only did she send
us a description of her life, but she also sent us
her webpage. Jackpot! The page was filled
with pictures of her friends and family packaged with her own brand of grade 11 humor.
We had something to work with, but what to
do with it? We were in a rut...or were we?
Glen (idiot) decided to strive forward on his
own, without notifying anyone until after the
fact. And what did he do to thicken the plot of
this movie like storyline? He signed her web-
page's personally created guestbook. And
what was his brilliantly thought up comment:
Glen Flippett - 02/23/00 02:13:44
My Email:fatass@horneytoad.com
Sex: hmmmm
Why you're such a loser: I'm not a loser
Why you hate me: because you're stalking
Why you think I care: stop stalking me!
Comments: Stop stalking me!
Although it was a very stupid thing to do from
a "being stalked" standpoint, it did jump start
her e-mailing to Glen. Her most creative e-
mail graced Glen's computer screen: "hey
thanks for signing my guestbook Glenny. And
I have recently found your home address and
phone number so I'll call you for a date. Then
I'll come and pick you up. Then we'll have a
nice romantic dinner, which you will have to
pay for. Then we'll go to a porno movie and
make-out. Then my boyfriend will find us and
strangle you, then me. Then I'll take you home
and unlock your handcuffs and take the gag out
of your mouth". HA! She can't be a hard-core
stalker or else she'd know that Glen never
pays for his dates! Seriously, this girl is coo-
coo for cocoa-puffs, and apparently wants to
have a bowl with Glen in the very near future!
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Glen is continuing the quest for answers, and
frankly, I think he is dicking around too much!
The next logical step is to make further use of
the e-mail address we created. She has sent 3
messages to that address in 2 days. She trusts
our make-believe character. It's time to tear
her down. Start with the exact message she
sent Glen to start this fiasco, and build on it.
"Isn't love painful? Because it's about to hurt
a lot more! My name isn't Jen, It's Glen Flippett!" Glen can slowly rip her a new one, and
leave victorious in this wild and crazy scenario... leaving only one question:
In the end, who was stalking whom?
*If you want to cyber-stalk Glen Flippett, e-
mail bentippett@hotmail.com. Mention this
article, and you'll get a reply.
Once Again, If s Time For Jan
sJjtMr.      Bree Baxter
Um ■	
jJ^J^j    Needs More Coffee
It's a scary thing when the office is full of
Engineers, vodka, strange scary signs of
evil, a drunken SAC member and some
decaf coffee for me. Onto the editorial.
It has been a long week, what with AMS
stuff, SUS stuff, ethical debated, assorted crap
and my new coffee maker. Tired of getting
ripped off paying a dollar for coffee that costs
12 cents to make? Well, you can now come
into SUS and grab some coffee for fifty cents.
All proceeds go to the Vancouver Food bank.
Mmmm, caffeine.
SUS Elections:
We are soon having the SUS election. Jeff,
the former director of finance and the present
elections administrator, says hi. He also says
the following.
<Jeff> It's that time of year again! If you're
a science student and want to have some
impact on your undergraduate society and on
your fellow students, now is your chance.
Take a look at the ad in the back of the paper
for more info, and you can pick up a nomination form in the SUS office (CHEM B160). If
you have any questions, or want to be a poll
clerk (yes, you get paid), contact Jeff Steinbok, the Elections Commissioner, at stein-
bok@interchange.ubc.ca. < /Jeff >
Why do the poll clerks get paid and the Executive don't?
SUS Elections
Until the elections, these people are still your
ant masters. There are ten SUS executive positions, only nine of which are being elected.
Tim remains our Senator Palpatine for another year. Of the remaining exec, only Reka,
Kate, Tim and Keri wrote reports for your
enjoyment. Sara is going to let Aarne's hockey pool update suffice, and Mike wants to buy
a vowel. A. He has never had an A in his university career. D or C, sure. Apparently Telereg draws out the pronunciation of the F
when telling you your grades. So I hear.
Protest Alley
There was a big protest last week. It was
cool. It was my first protest. I got to clap and
wave at the camera and laugh at the silly people. Next time, I think I will hold a sign.
No slagging of Arts this week. Next issue, the
432 and the Underground will be joining
forces to produce a joint issue. It has been a
dream of Karen and myself to do this, to com-
Wanted: Poll Cle
What: SUS
Why: $
|Wffo:|Jeff Steinbok <sfeii
1 Dead Or Mlive
c Electrons.
memorate the first time in history that there
have been female editors in charge of both the
432 and the Underground. Long ago, on a
fateful October night, I was out wandering the
campus late at night, when I ran into Karen,
who was also wandering the campus late at
night. We talked for ten minutes, promised to
talk the next day, and I didn't contact her for
three months. Last night (Friday), I ran into
her again. After a two minute conversation,
the whole issue has been planned. It's a tribute
to the efficiency of executive decisions: No
committees, no bureaucracy, just two: Her
and me. By the Power of Estrogen!
Whoever said
that meat is
murder needs a
swift kick to the
head. Carrots
are murder too,
they just don't
have big eyes or
scream when you
boil them alive.
-Barney 10 JANUARY 2000
I Thought Cows Only Ate Grass
Andrew Tinka
Red Pen of Death
he power! The sheer, unadulterated
power! Seventy little lives, mine to
nurture or crush! Mwaa ha ha ha ha
Sorry, I'm powertripping a bit. I just finished
marking a load of math midterms. Yes kiddies, your friendly columnist is a tool of the
UBC administration, a cog in the education
machine, a running dog for the worldwide
Masonic conspiracy... in other words, a part-
time marker for the Math department.
I bet you're wondering what it's like to give
up your soul in exchange for a little bit of extra
cash. Well pull up a chair and I'll tell you all
about it. First off, it's not just about the
money. The main attraction of this job is, as
you may have already guessed, the power. I
get to carve a path of red ink through the hopes
and dreams of a crop of fresh-faced second
years. You remember second year, right? You
still had some of your ideals. You still thought
the universe was a more-or-less fair place,
where a little bit of hard work and some luck
could see you through the trials and tribulations of February midterms. Then that paper
came back with the big fat "8%" scrawled on
top, whereupon your last shreds of innocence
and naivete crawled into a dark corner of your
soul and died a lonely, puppy-dog death.
Well, I'm the bastard that did it to you. OK,
maybe I didn't get you, but I sure as hell got a
hefty portion of the unfortunate class that came
under my marking pen.
Looking at it a little more objectively, it's the
professor, not me, who's really responsible
for the wounding of young minds. He's the
one who wrote the bitching hard midterm, and
he's the one who came up with the psychoti-
cally stringent marking scheme. I'm just following orders. Well, I can accept that. I realize that I'm not The Man in this particular situation, just one of The Man's many thugs.
Still, if the prof is the Emperor, that makes me
Darth Vader. He might get the executive swivel chair and the office with the stellar view,
but I get to collapse tracheas with my mind,
and that's good enough for me.
Let's talk about the side benefits. There is, of
course, the money, which is really quite good
when you realize that they're allocating a large
number of hours for a small number of
midterms, and they'll pay you for those hours
regardless of how long it actually takes. (How
long does marking a midterm take? A minute,
tops... right right wrong right wrong wrong
wrong wrong, that's 30%, thank you come
again.) And the hourly rate itself isn't too bad.
I love my union.
But more important than the money, although
not as important as the power trip, is experiencing the system from the other side. Now
that I've marked, I will never write a midterm
the same way. Allow me to share my wisdom.
1)  Put  A  Box Around  Your Answer.
Always. Markers love papers with boxes. Half
of my marking time is spent trying to find the
answer buried in the bullshit. Finding your
solution faster lets me do papers in thirty seconds instead of a minute. That doubles my
hourly wage, and reduces the time until I can
continue pursuing my real interests. (I didn't
say recreational pyromania. You can't make
that stand up in court. That stroller was on fire
when I got there.) And don't think I won't be
grateful. I've let lapses in sanity like "1 + 1
= 1" and "5 / 0 = 0" go just because the kid
had the decency to box his answer. It doesn't
just work for math, either: If you're writing an
essay, take the time to draw a box around your
thesis statement and the concluding paragraph.
Seriously. Trust me.
2) Jokes don't work. We've all been there:
the prof calls "time" and you're staring at a
blank page that's going to cost you 40% of the
exam. So, you scrawl a quick one-liner, hoping for a laugh and a pity mark. Unfortunately, the marker is an undergraduate, like you,
only with more experience, which means more
bitterness and resentment. Being cute isn't
going to get you anywhere. When I see some
stupid little comment like "Ha ha, aren't I
dumb", I immediately want to write in MY
comment, which is usually something like
"Grow some fucking frontal lobes!" Fortunately for me, my self-preservation instincts
kick in, saving my job. Unfortunately for you,
this results in my rage getting all bottled up,
and I usually end up giving you zero on the
next four questions to get it out of my system.
The exception to all this is if you write something that manages to impress me with its
sheer arrogance or stupidity. I'm especially
partial to death threats and insulting the professor. Seriously. Trust me.
3) If all else fails, then it's time to get generous. How much does this midterm really
mean to you? Enough to fold a large bill in
around the third page? Just make sure to get
the value right. Your marker might have the
morals of a smack-addicted personal injury
lawyer, but a $10 bribe is an insult no matter
how bad they need it. No, in the rainbow that
is the Canadian monetary system, you need to
move away from the cold, sterile hues like
blue and green, and into the warm, earthy
tones, like red or brown. Don't worry about
discrepancies between the answers on the page
and the marks you receive; the marker has to
watch their ass as much as you... they'll write
in the correct answers for you, and do a good
job of faking your writing too. If you can't
muster the cash, remember that there's more
currencies in this world than plain old money.
Marking is a lonely job; a nice photo or two,
preferably with a phone number written on the
back, can really make someone's day. You
shouldn't be concerned about whether you
match the marker's preferences or orientation.
If you look at the demographics, your average
marker is so sexually starved that they'll consider anything. But be sure to stand out. In the
olden days, showing a little bit of skin put you
ahead of the pack. Today, though, I can surf
the web for ten seconds and get a picture of
Britney Spears naked and hogtied with an
apple in her mouth. (It's the other white meat,
y'know.) So be sure to be interesting. Think
watersports. Seriously. Trust me.
This article actually fit the space, but I could
not let this go without a comment of some
kind. First off, Andrew Tinka is an Engineer.
He is also a security chief for the AMS,
which means he has been hit in the head once
too often with a broken beer bottle. If that
still attracts you, you can get in touch with
him at www.sexygeek.com. He'll do your
math homework for you, all you cute frosh
Dumb Assed Contest #8 Winner!
we asked you:
How many    The answer: 511. The Winner: Ron Prasard!
times does the Ron Prasard wins a Science Coffee Mug and a $10 gift certificate
word the''    to Second Cup. Congratulations!
appear in issue
9? Stay tuned to issue 11 for the next Dumb Assed Easy Contest!
Any questions? Email bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca
Stanley Park Causeway, All The Way!
Dan Anderson
Ain't Recycling
The trees are after us. No, seriously, I'm
not kidding. I have proof this time.
Don't believe me? Walk to the old
admin building, and look down the road. See
that stump? The one with the fresh sawdust all
around it? The one with the steam coming out
of it? Yeah, that one. Guess what? That's one
of THEM. It went and tapped into the steam
tunnels to steal heat and water from us. Those
are our resources, preciously stolen from
nature, and this damn tree is trying to steal
them from us, And that's just the start. What
about all those trees that knock over power
lines? Do you have any idea how many kilowatt-hours are lost yearly to trees that have
fallen over power lines? They take away our
lights, computers, heating, and (for all you
artsies reading this) our TV's. The horror!
The horror! We won't get to cry at the nasty
actors at the grammies! Plus, have you ever
noticed how they're always in your way when
you're trying to look at stuff? I mean, the only
place there aren't enough of them are on
streets, where they get in the way of ugly
buildings and pavement. But you'll notice that
there aren't enough of them there, either. I'm
telling you, they're conspiring.
What about 'hug a tree'? That's just their
expensive media campaign. If anyone really
wanted to stay warm in the Antarctic, they'd
make a little hole in the snow and curl up into
a fetal ball and freeze to death. Get real.
Trees manipulate us through information.
Really. There would be no books, no newspapers without trees. They convey more information than the rest of the creatures in this
world combined. How many libraries of
human brains have you ever seen?
How many buildings do they make up again?
They even control our architecture. Is there
any part of society that trees are not either controlling or trying to? They will come for you
too. They will make you one of them. Look at
Wood. We have classes there, oblivious to the
brainwashing we're going through.
Well, that's pretty much it. Go out, buy a
chainsaw, and defend your life against the
trees! The denderfeliacs are wrong! Save your
family! Save yourself! Burn them like the kindling they are!
Dan will be burning coal, natural gas and
all the Kinder-surprises he can get.
Alternative and Integrative Medical Society
Topic: The Nature of Acupuncture with Ting-Ting Jiang,
Date: March 9, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 5
Topic: Homeopathy with David Gerring, MD
Date: March 16, 2000.12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 1
Topic: Clinical Herbalism with Rowan Hamilton, Dip
Date: March 16, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 1
The Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
Box 81, University of British Columbia,
6138 S.U.B. Boulevard, Vancouver, BC, V6T 1Z1
email :aims@interchange.ubc.ca
web: www.ams.ubc.ca/aims
ph:     (604)-822-8085
fx:      (604)-986-6575 Med school prerequisites can be brutal. But as
Hippocrates was overheard to say "Often there's
a better way to fulfill a dream." Yes, there is
another choice in your quest for a health care
career. It is chiropractic. Here's why:
Scientifically-based chiropractic is...
• a revolutionary and path-breaking
approach to health care
• an accepted scientific, evidence-
based approach to patient care
• rated in the top 25% of America's
best occupations with the fastest
increase in annual income
• projected as a profession where
employment opportunity is "expected to increase
rapidly and job prospects should be good"
Choose Los Angeles College
of Chiropractic
Los Angeles College of
Chiropractic (LACC) is the
North American leader in
chiropractic education.
Here's why:
LACC is...
• the leader in chiropractic
scientifically-based and
evidence-based approach to patient care
• a leader in chiropractic programs of sports
medicine with emphasis in sports injuries, nutrition,
radiology, pediatrics and pain management
• located near one of the world's most important
urban centers, yet offers a peaceful and intimate
suburban college environment
• the only chiropractic college accredited by the
Western Association of Schools and Colleges.
(WASC) Founded in 1911, LACC has a long and
proven tradition of excellence
College of Chiropractic
4 ways to
learn more
about LACC:
16200 E. Amber Valley Dr.
P.O. Box 1160
Whittier,CA 90609-1166
1. Call us: 1-800-^1-5222 (ext. 417)
2. E-mail us: inquiry@lacc.edu
3. Check out our web site: www.lacc.edu
4. Come and see us by calling and scheduling
a visit with an LACC admission counselor
At LACC you will...
• participate in our renowned ADVANTAGE
Program, that provides problem-oriented,
competency-based, and patient-centered
•work with faculty and leading medical
schools on research projects funded by the U.S.
Federal Government on the West Coast
• become a Doctor of Chiropractic (DC) and fulfill
your dream of a career in health care
';V*fTJM ■■' ',**%?.*&&%*%
Your Future is
in Your Hands
Canadian tuition discount available 01 MARCH 2000
I Don't Wanna Grow Up, I'm a Toys-R-Us
Trevor Presley
Potty Trained
plan. My goal in life has always been to
live life with the care, worry and reckless
abandonment of a six year-old. Now I suppose
I could have the goal in life of curing cancer
or bringing peace to the world, but those
things are hard, time-consuming and involve
precious little time playing on jungle gyms.
However don't be fooled, maintaining your
inner child takes constant vigilance and foresight if you want to remain young at heart forever.
I've always been a late bloomer in life, so my
immature attitude comes naturally. I've always
been about 5 years behind my age group in
terms of emotional maturity, however I've
always had the most toys. Maturity can always
be countered with Nerf weapons. I was able to
stave off the demands of adulthood by getting
one of the coolest jobs available, summer
camp counselor.
Camp counselor is to maturity what sobriety
is to sex, when the former is involved the latter happens much slower. While the rest of my
friends were working in the grocery store or
pounding nails, I was frolicking beside the
pool or playing Duck, Duck, Goose for a living. We would all sit around at the end of the
day and compare jobs;
John: "Well Trevor, I packed drywall for 12
hours today and almost got run over by a bulldozer, how was your day?"
Trevor: "Well I played soccer for two hours,
slept during the 30 minute nap time, sunbathed
around the pool and enjoyed being the only
male among a staff of 20 young attractive
I usually got hit before I finished the above
sentence, but it was still worth the pain.
Between the Jell-0 fights, camp-outs, costume
day and macaroni crafts, summer camp made
sure you never matured. This was supposed to
end after I graduated and got a real job.
Even though I sold out to The Man and
became a corporate whore, I still like to think
I'm a big kid. At work, I handle millions of
dollars and make life and death decisions, yet
I still manage to bring an element of summer
camp to work. Luckily I am surrounded by
over-stressed co-workers who enjoy the practical jokes. Between the elastic band fights, the
joke phone messages (Trevor, call Bill at 1-
I loathe people who keep dogs. They
are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
-August Strindberg
Ifs a Magical Mystery
Tour for You!
Joanna Karaplis
In Need of Prozac
So it's over. Reading Week is over. I had
been looking forward to it ever since
Christmas vacation ended, and then it
came, and now it's gone. GONE! My last
refuge from the three-term-papers-due-this-
week insanity!! My last chance to sleep in, to
use my computer for kinky e-mail rather than
essay-writing, to take long walks along the
beach, if only there were a beach nearby,
where's my beach, dammit? And what can I
look forward to now, April 30th? That's too
, far away!! What am I supposed to do, catch up
on my reading after exams? Does this university expect us to be superhuman? Oh sure, the
ubergeeks got their term papers done by February 18th, but what about us normal people?
I call foul, and accuse the university of discriminating against the tired, the unorganized,
the completely stressed-out!
Which brings me to another rambl- er, point:
why do they call it "Reading Week," anyway?
Does that sound like cruel and unusual punishment to anyone else? If they called it "Sleep-
Skin Week", well then I'd have accomplished
that. That's more realistic, isn't it? You'd
wake up, eventually... then sniff the air. If you
smelled anything like work or school, you'd
hop in the shower and scrub, scrub, scrub.
If it weren't called Reading Week, profs
might not feel the need to hand out extra
assignments for us to "read." Just think, they
might feel a little guiltier saying, "Have fun
preparing for the midterm over 'No Homework or Studying Week!'" Although I think
some of the more sadistic ones (ninety percent)
would enjoy that even more. But the name still
needs to be changed. I'm sick of people asking
what I did over Reading Week, because if I
don't say "reading," it reminds me that I'm
screwed for the next few weeks, and that I'm
going to be scurrying around like Harvey the
Wonder Hamster trying to get everything
done. If everyone asked, "Hey, how was your
'Snowboarding Week?'" I could answer,
"Went snowboarding!" and feel proud, like
I'd accomplished what I'd set out to do. Now
that's setting realistic goals. Because what's
the point of pretending I'm going to catch up
on all my reading, study for two midterms,
and write a term paper or two? Calling it
"Reading Week" is simply preying on the procrastinating tendencies of ninety percent of the
student body! Month-away deadlines are hard
enough to cope with. Until that sinking pit o'
fear begins to grow in my stomach, I'm not
even thinking about that project that was
assigned two months ago!
Of course, the ironic thing is that now I'm
spending valuable time ranting, when I could
be moaning in fear about that twenty page
research paper... But my duty as a student is
to fight for my right to procrastinate guilt-free,
so I must rally support for changing the name
of Reading Week! Please, fellow students,
pick a name! "Get Completely Wasted Week!"
"Watch Too Much TV Week!" "Don't Get
Out of Bed Before Wednesday Week!" "Give
Your Brain a Rest Week!" Something... anything... We must petition for a new name
before next year, when the cycle begins
anew... You'll have forgotten this warning by
then, and be sitting innocently in class, when
your prof will announce:
"Since next week is Reading Week, you'll
have lots of free time, so I'd like you all to
learn this obscure out-dated computer language. There'll be a test on it, worth 45%, on
the first day back. Have a good Reading
Week! Mu-hahahahaha!" So don't say I didn't
warn you.
900-MAN-TALK when you get back from
lunch) and Homer Simpson impersonations
(Mmmmm ... Paperwork) we all avoid growing older. The fun doesn't end with work, it
continues when I arrive home.
They say that a man's home is his castle. Well
if that's true, then my castle is a fort that's
made from He-Man blankets. My current
house, thanks to the endeavors of my roommates and myself, remains a bastion of immaturity. We have a very large collection of cardboard palm tress stapled to the wall, which are
very easy to maintain as far as plants go. We
also have a large collection of colored fridge
magnets, which we use to write messages to
each other like, "Andy your Mom called" or
"Trevor you smell and your milk in the fridge
has now turned into cheese". Outside, we have
a swing set, which although rusted and dangerous, is still used by our party guests when
they are really hammered. Luckily I know
how to administer a tetanus shot, even while
under the influence. However the biggest tip
off that our house is occupied by a bunch of
grown up kids, is the contents of our fridge
An excellent maturity-measuring device is a
person's grocery list. For instance, if your
grocery list contains items like; one whole
turkey, breadcrumbs, vitamins or Earl Grey
Tea", then congratulations, you're an adult.
On the other hand, if your trip to Safeway
includes such items as; chocolate milk, ice
cream, pizza pockets or freezies, then you
should move in with us. I always jump for joy
when I see freezies on sale!! Sure, I'll become
a diabetic because of these little frozen sugar
sticks of death, but it will be worth it. Why,
just the other day I was contemplating whether
a 27-year-old man could get away with buying
a package of watermelon fruit roll-ups. I figured I could put with the stares at the checkout
counter; it was the possible traffic accident on
the way home that worried me. I could just see
the police officer at the accident scene talking
to my mom, "For the love of God Mrs. Presley, what kind of 27-year-old man buys fruit
roll-ups, I think this leaves me no choice but
to do a dirty underwear check on your son".
Christmas dinner would be hell this year. I
could just see 12 tons of fruit roll-ups sitting
under the Christmas tree with my name on
them, along with some clean underwear.
Maybe its time to grown up. Nah.
I've never met Trevor Presley. I think he is
really Martha Piper. But then, I always
thought that Clark Kent and Superman were
the same guy too.
Ale arti
Write abq
All cdntributi
be submitted b'
Until March 3
What you can bring! bab
frujtrdried^astg, spup,
red by
ittee PAGE SIX
01 MARCH 2000
Dead Pool
The Reaper
Deadlines Abound
Welcome back to the Dead Pool IV:
The Wrath of Khan. It has been a
few issues since our last update.
Here is one now! Duck!
Charles Schultz, creator of Peanuts, Charlie
Brown, Snoopy and the gang, passed away on
February 12 after a battle with cancer. I'm
sad, because I love Charlie Brown. Now he
will never win the little red head's affection or
catch that football in the game.
But it is good news for Kathy Lo, for whom
Charles Schultz was 11 on her list. She gets
five more points, bringing her total to nine.
She is tied with Andy Martin, who also has
nine points from his Walter Payton incident.
Who will win? It all depends on who dies next.
As a purely personal point, I hope that the
Pope, the Queen Mum and Boris Yeltsin will
hold on until the end of the year, as every single list would then be screwed!!
At this point, I am reviewing my prospects.
Who will be next? Ronald Regan? Bob Barker? Ricky Martin? Ted Kennedy? Billy Shat-
ner? Donald Brashere? Maybe. Any member
of the 432 staff or their stunt doubles? No.
Sorry Andrew.
See you all next time. Don't fear the Reaper.
But do fear soil creep. Ew.
Hockey Pool IV Update
"W"t is time for the near-year end hockey pool
N'stink: 545
1 update. Aarne wanted me to tell
Hemorrhoids: 542
t he's had lots of fun with the pool this
Amandeep Jhuty: 541
the results: Please know that these are
Soul Shatterers: 539
all non-official until validated. The
Sherman Tung: 538
Pool will officially close sometime after it's
Jedidoll: 538
Mystery Machine: 537
John Twigg: 592
Steve Palahiviky: 535
Shafiq Kara: 587
Vanessa Carlson: 533
The Matrix: 578
Mark Fraser: 533
Tommy Tsang: 575
Glider: 532
Alec Chipper: 571
Wazga: 529
Kiwiboy: 570
Victor Chan 2: 529
Steve Herbert: 569
Kevin Lee: 528
Karl Zawadzki: 568
Fatal Exception: 527
The Puppies: 567
Wildcard: 526
Nolan Watson: 566
Keith Remillard: 524
Clayton Bund... : 563
Rob Macvicar: 523
Gary Arya: 561
Ceruleus: 523
What The Puck?: 560
Malibu Mogilny: 522
Victor Chan: 559
Jordan Griggs: 520
Darren Molder: 559
Nemesis: 519
Red Storm Rising: 557
Dave Delacheroi: 517
Henry Lam: 554
Blowme.com: 514
Amanda Hatzistamatis: 554
Zooglia: 513
Longeared Galoot: 552
Wojtek Karolak: 513
President's choice: 551
Bart Robertson: 508
Kiwis: 551
James Rowe: 507
Elizabeth Roberts: 550
Mr. Terwilliger: 503
Fat Boys: 548
Ken Tang: 503
Andy Nguyen: 548
What The Hellmo?: 499
Dave Patterson: 547
The Great One: 499
58th    Sarah Yang: 495
58th    Daryl G.: 495
60th    Rob Stobbe: 490
60th    Bunny: 490
60th    'jj': 490
63rd    Mike Baird: 484
64th    Bryce Recsky: 477
65th    G. Israel: 473
66th    Kahootz: 470
67th    Pavital Singh: 467
67th    Flix:467
69th    Erik Mjanes: 464
70th    Dan Miner: 450
71st    D.B. Chami: 449
72nd    M: 439
73rd    Bella Carvalho: 430
74th    Fubar: 425
75th    Alec Chipper 2: 418
And that's how it goes! Please stay tuned for
more hockey pool updates in future issues. I
wish I remembered what the prizes were, but
I don't. I hope you all do!
Have fun.
As an aside, please bring your sports
rebate forms into SUS for Sara, our
sports rep, to check over and rebate
your money. The office is open most of the
time on school days. If Sara's not around, you
can leave the form in her box (ask our helpful
hacks for directions) or you can email her at
sastamm@interchange. ubc. ca.
-ed again.
The Inboxes of SUS
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
Welcome back from what was hopefully a relaxing and fun-filled reading week. I hope that you are ready
for the final leg of this school year, and
already looking forward to the summer.
Oh, and hey guys, don't forget that there is
NOW. It goes until next Friday, so please
bring cans in support of the Vancouver Food
Bank. Use this opportunity to empty out your
cupboard of all the old stuff you once thought
you would eat and still haven't.
Also, keep in mind that nominations for
elections close on Friday March 3rd. If you
want to make a difference, run for Executive
Other than that, also stayed tuned for the
possibility of a referendum being run along
with Executive Elections this year, and for
some great First Year Committee events to
Keep smiling.
Public Relations Officer
Kate Saekno
Hi! I hope you had a great reading
break, bumming around on a sunny
beach in Mexico somewhere. And
even if you spent it in the lab, don't worry -
the worst of winter is over! Soon you'll be
able to see a glimpse of sunshine through the
library window where you're wasting the
best years of your life reading about
Schimdt's 13th theorem.
I am happy to report that the Class Act campaign has raised over $1000, which will be
matched by the Dean's Office and will go
towards a graduating class gift in the Faculty
of Science. Thanks to all who contributed!
Kate is failing her midterms and loving it.
Keri Gammon
Hi everyone! I'm sure you're all dying
to know what your favourite secretary
has been up to lately, so I'll fill you in.
Reading week was great. Imagine it - streets
lined with five star hotels and pawn shops,
ritzy casinos and stores selling liquor/cigarettes/magazines of questionable content, 24
hours a day. And all of this, just a short plane
ride away in Reno, Nevada. I lost a bit of
money, but I learned to play poker, so really I
think that I came out ahead...at least that's
what I'll be telling myself when I can't afford
groceries next month. As for SUS, our terms
are drawing to a close, so it's about time to
start writing my year-end report. Oh, and we
just nominated four stellar candidates for the
annual "Just Desserts" awards in recognition
of those who have made an outstanding contribution to UBC Science. Most of the committees on which I sat this year are wrapping up -
it's so hard to say good-bye! (Please ignore my
sarcasm.) Oh, one VERY IMPORTANT
thing. There's a proposed tuition policy which
is being evaluated before the next Board of
Governor's meeting (next month), so check it
out at www.oldadm.ubc.ca/tuitionpolicy. Anyway, I hope that midterms have finally finished for everyone and enjoy the rest of term
until the onslaught of finals!
Useless black bar for no apparent reason
Timothy Chan
Hey all. So have you read the Academic Plan yet? Do you even know what it
is? Well, it is a document that has
been put together by faculty and students at
UBC (with feedback from thousands of indi
viduals) and it outlines "ideas and actions
designed to help in shaping the academic
future of the University of British Columbia."
If you haven't looked at it, it's a pretty good
read and probably more interesting than most
textbooks. There are copies floating all around
campus or you can to go
www.oldadm.ubc.ca/apac and check it out.
Jag l,Fox2!!!
Bree .Baxter
I cience publications has been a fun portfolio
.these past few weeks. We actually did it
' this year. A brand new publications is out,
Paradigm for all of those who missed it. There will be
another one out on March 13, and that's it for this
year. Only because the year will soon be over (whoohoo! -ed) and there is nowhere else to put
it. We hope to have it back next year, if I can finagle the funding out of the Director Finance
{Jag, for all of those who notice that his executive report is missing from these hallowed pages,
-ed) or find enough cash from somewhere.
Having a real Science magazine only means I can have much more fun with the 432.
What's coming up during those hallowed summer months? The Guide is coming out near the
end of April. We will be having the stats from this year's fall semester, and the spring semester
of last year. We also aim to have it out to you before registration dates start. What a concept!
Some of our first years may not know what the Guide is. It is a compilation of those teaching
reviews you filled out at the end of each semester. It's aimed to help you get the best teachers
possible. Because all the teachers are the best. Yes. The reason you may not recall the Guide is
that it didn't come out last year.
Time to wrap up. I love you all, vote for the new director of publications in the upcoming elections, squeeze, and nap.
Oops, I have some more space to fill. Have you brushed your teeth? You should really floss
more often. Better yet, use dental tape. It gets more stuff out of your teeth. Bye again! PAGE EIGHT
01 MARCH 2000
Come On Down!
iSWU,,    Jay Garcia
6 IX 3    College for $500
So you've spent five long years obtaining
your degree. Countless hours spent in
and out of class learning the various subjects that make you worthy of that piece of
paper confirming your knowledge of things
mundane and esoteric.
Now you're faced with the Big Long Gun of
the future; you're not sure what your options
are, and there's probably a rather largish debt
load hanging over your head. Now you could
go the pansy route and return for more schooling, putting off those Sword of Damocles-like
student loan repayments a few more years
while you pursue whatever esoteric academic
route you've chosen. Or you could get a job.
However, if you're like most other graduates
of the five-year plan, you're probably particularly unemployable in the field in which you
were trained. Unless you happen to enjoy the
prospect of flipping burgers, digging ditches,
or filing briefs (and get yer mind out of the
gutter!), then you should be prepared to give
up any hope of job satisfaction.
However, before you give society the finger
and end up some back-alley bum giving
blowjobs for crack, there's one option that you
should consider: Game Shows.
If you really think about it, a large proportion
of University graduates are uniquely qualified
for the position of Game Show Contestant.
Long years in the stultifying, insulating, warm
cocoon of University life have given you the
quality navel-gazing, TV-watching, magazine-
reading, lazing-around time necessary to
develop a massive storehouse of pop-culture
trivia. Elective courses taken to fulfill degree
requirements also round out more of those
obscure corners of knowledge and, hey, you
never know, your degree might actually be
helpfully relevant should a related category
ever pop up.
Who else would be perfectly suited to be a
game show contestant? Who else can pontificate on the economic repercussions of the
breakup of the Spice Girls, hold forth on early
eighties television shows and their actors, and
name each and every alterna-rock-pseudo-ska-
grunge band to have come onto the scene since
Kurt Cobain performed a feat of personal contortion and pulled on the trigger of a shotgun
with his toes?
Granted, a stint or two on game shows doesn't' seem to be much of a career path. However, all one has to do is sit back and take a
look at the bigger picture (a habit which
should have been ingrained from long years of
a vegetative state planted in front of a television). You don't want to be an occasional
game show contestant. You want to be a professional game show contestant. If you think
about it, this works out to be a pretty sweet
deal. All you'd have to do is shoot for first
place, with an eye for remaining in one of the
runner-up spots. After all, those consolation
prizes are usually pretty good, if you have a
hankering for short stays at various bed-and-
breakfasts or electronic home versions of the
However, if you want to be a real professional and make more than a subsistence living as
a contestant, then you have to have a game
plan. After all, not all game shows are created
equally. There's a wide disparity between the
"daytime" and "nighttime" game shows. And
unlike talk shows, there are only so many
times you can make an appearance before
wearing out your welcome.
Daytime gameshows appeal to mostly the
homebound types; either the sick and invalid,
the terminally bored, or your average Alder-
grove trailer-park dwellers. The Price Is Right
is a great example of this genre. The prizes
generally tend to be either mid-range semi-
antiqued home furnishings destined for placement in some middle to upper-middle class
home, or else it's a ten to twenty-five thousand
dollar automobile. Cash is a relatively scarce
commodity on this type of game show, so
unless you've got contacts who're willing to
pay good money for a complete dining set with
matching mother-of-pearl handled serving
knives, give this show a pass until you've provided for your basic amenities and you feel
like winning an all-expenses paid vacation to
Scenic Switzerland.
A show like Wheel of Fortune is ideal for
providing small amounts of ready cash. As
long as you aren't some form of brain-dead
illiterate, you should have no difficulty in dealing with the rather simplistic challenge posed
by filling in the blanks for a common word,
phrase, idiom, or mixed metaphor. However,
luck has a prominent role to play in this game,
and a long big-money streak can come crashing down with the appearance of the bankruptcy slot. Still, you can walk away with a couple of grand in cold, hard, American cash.
The ideal gameshow for most university and
post-university types remains Jeopardy. Beating out the various slack-jawed yokels who
come to compete for the preliminary trials
shouldn't be problematic. It's getting past this
weeding process, when you get pitted against
other like-minded and fast-fingered competitors that's the issue at hand. Further, Jeopardy
really tends to be the thinking man's game, so
long as that thinking man is white, western,
and educated. So bone up on the Bible, Shakespeare, world history and politics (with an
emphasis on the United States) if you want to
be viable candidate. If you happen to have
magically wrangled both American citizenship
and residency, then you've got chance to enter
into that most paradoxical of game shows,
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? All you need
is really fast fingers (to get past the elimination
round), and a deep and abiding (almost idiot
savant-level) knowledge of pop culture trivia,
leavened with the odd factoid or two garnered
from years of your misspent education. Hell,
if you play this right, there's at least thirty-two
thousand dollars in your pocket (past which
level the questions get esoterically difficult).
And if you win, or play cautiously, you can
walk away with anywhere from a hundred
thousand to a million dollars in cold, hard,
American currency.
So the next time anyone sees you goofing off,
reading Wired, Details, Rolling Stone or
Maxim, or growing taproots out your ass from
all the time you spend on the sofa getting a
healthy tan from the picture tube, tell them to
piss off. You're doing research.
Jay is only three days away from mastering
the push button for his first appearance on
Jeopardy. He is hoping for the categories of
"Winona Ryder", "Quake 3Arena", "Useless
Biology Degrees", "Jumpin' Jesuits", "Diet
Coke", and "Kinky Sex".
- fX?m dl'Plf?r nominations
^„ia A.L' CMdidates meeting:
Friday Marcmd, 4:32 pm Chem ilfi
Elections run March 13 - 17th. Bring your student
to vote.
Positions Available
President   Director of Finance
Internal Vice President   Public Relations Officer
External Vice President   Social Coordinator
Executive Secretary   Director of Sports
Director of Publications
Visit the constitution on the website for more information about the posititions,
Nomination forms in   jf^f or in the SUS off ice (Chem Bl 60).


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