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UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 9, 2000

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09 FEBRUARY 2000
jkaroitous Sex!
and so much more...
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest/
—Alexandre Dumas the Younger
Glen Clark New leader of the
Provincial NDP!
Pundits Shocked as Former Premier Comes Out Ahead After Leadership Assembly
Victoria, BC
In a stunning and completely unexpected
move late Tuesday night, Glen Clark, former premier of British Columbia and
leader of the New Democratic Party, raced to
the lead at the NDP leadership assembly and
regained his seat at the helm of the provincial
The media's political commentators were
caught by surprise when the announcement
came down from the provincial NDP headquarters. Since late last week, the media has
been barred from constituency1TOF meetings;
including last night's leadership convention.
Reasoning behind the media ban was that NDP
members had the right to make an unpressured
vote. However, cynics have speculated that
anyone who is still an NDP member after the
past four years does not truly understand what
is going on, and needs to be shown which pretty little box to mark. Additionally, rumor has
it that Glen Clark's hired goons arrived at last
night's meeting to 'influence' the vote.
After the final ballot tally, Glen Clark took
the stage to make his victory speech. "On
behalf of all British Columbians, I thank you,
the faithful NDP members who have put your
trust in me once again. I plan to carry on with
the same mandate as I did before that little
misunderstanding with the RCMP. I want to
change a few things about BC politics. First,
we get rid of the RCMP and put in their place
municipal police forces, directly under the
control of the Premier's office. Next, the editors of the Vancouver Sun, the Vancouver
Province and the Georgia Straight will be
shipped back to that haven of free though and
liberal ideology that they came from, Kingston
Ontario. I already have willing and qualified
professionals to take over, from the new Ministry jpfjnformation. Last, I chase the provincial Liberals out of here using nukes from
Provincial Liberal leader, Gordon Campbell,
was unimpressed by the convention and Glen
Clark's speech. "Haven't we been through this
before? Glen Clark is the biggest horses-ass in
BC. Fast-Cat ferries, leaky condos, health
care cuts, union pandering, budget mismanagement, cuts to post-secondary education,
closure on the Nisga'a debate, Casino-gate,
Bingogate, Hydrogate, Bums Bog, Nanoose
Bay, Carrier Lumber, Forest Renewal BC,
RCMP searching Clark's house, planned
overspending, it just never ends with these
jerks. This is why the BC Liberals are going
to be the next government of BC. Do you
V\t*£ B^ctf F»W FlCvGiY *W
rtEEEEEfct Fi«,0rf Fi^gW RW ftqqi
C'ttoN ftCfyi, C'/AON'.
ALWAYS   THE. ceWTRE   cf  firr BUT loll.
recall how in the last byelection, we beat Bill
"The Zalm" Vander Zalm by a two to one
margin? Heck, even the Pylon beat the NDP
candidate. Can you even imagine the ass
whumping that's coming up during the next
provincial election? Oh baby, I guarantee you
the smack will be laid down."
Ralph Klein, premier of Alberta, was jubilant
at the news. "Yee haa! I can hardly wait! Glen
Clark was so good for the Albertan economy
last time around, we reinstated full funding to
health care and education! If this coming year
will be as good as the last three, we can buy
the other prairie provinces and become our
own country. My cabinet is prepared to wait
until BC declares bankruptcy and then we purchase the whole West Coast. I'll be king of the
West, and Lucien Bouchard can have his damn
Quebec separation!"
Chris Hohll, a fourth year biology and chemistry honours student, was hesitant to criticize
the past NDP government. "Look, I like that
tuition freeze. Even if Glen Clark was, you
know, arrested, I probably wouldn't mind his
being premier. As long as we could keep the
tuition freeze."
Cynthia Lin, a third year Co-o computer Science student, is thouroughly disenchanted with
British Columbian as a whole. Once she
obtains her bachelor of Science, she plans to
start her own web-based company. With that,
she maintains, she can work from anywhere
and do anything, so her need for the BC government will remain nil.
Closer to the home political front, AMS
External Co-ordinator and Honourary Vice
President of the Gallery Nathan Allen is wary
about supporting Glen Clark's reinstatement.
"It is my firm and unwavering opinion that
this province needs an NDP government.
However, I am not sure if Glen Clark is the
best woaool man for the job. His political ties
have always seemed ... opportunistic. I personally supported Joy MacPhail, and was disappointed when she dropped out. She was the
best qualified for the position. Plus, what a
Corky Evans, one of the unsuccessful leadership candidates, was reached for comment at
Mike's Sports Bar in Victoria. "Holy mother
of Christ! I guess when people were saying
that a vote for Gordon Wilson was a vote for
Glen Clark, they weren't kidding. As for me,
the next thing I do is go home to northern BC
and go on a three week bender. But first,
another round on the taxpayer of BC!"
Buchanen Crop Circles
A Hoax!
After months of investigation, university officials have declared that crop circles found last semester on the south
side of Buchanan were faked. RCMP
spokesperson, Corperal Jay Hawrelak, confirmed that "Yes, they were a hoax."
The crop circles appeared the weekend of a
windstorm that knocked down trees all over
campus. The region of flattened vegetation
approached 2.4 m in width and consisted of a
rectangle inscribed around the perimeter of
square. The pattern extended to the edge of the
roadway running along the south-west side of
Buchanan Block A.
Said Hawrelak, "The phenomenon is especially suspicious since zoning plans indicate
that there aren't actually any legal crops being
grown in that area of campus."
Ag Sci professor, Dr. Andrew Luke, who
specializes in grassroots scientific work and
who is a member of Circles Phenomenon
Research Canada, was called in to analyze the
pattern. He concluded that it had been created
by driving a Plant Ops truck from the garden
plot where it had been parked since 1986 to the
edge of the pathway. Other than a short squirrel trail on the edge of the flattened grass,
there were no footprints leading to or from the
site. Luke surmised that the squirrel trail had
been created by the passage of at least two
squirrels, likely "that black one and that grey
one which are always chasing each other
around campus."
RCMP were tipped off to the origins of the
crop circles when a student phoned in, anxious
because his roomate was sculpting major U.S.
geological formations in his mashed potatoes.
Prompt police action ensured that the student
did not begin tearing trees up, although, in the
aftermath of the windstorm, they had feared
for the worst. The ensuing investigation quickly turned up evidence linking the recent strike
by CUPE 116 to a bizarre day in January
where the heavens brought down lightning and
snow at the same time, along with indications
that outgoing AMS President Ryan Marshall is
a member of a local MUFON chapter.
Plant Ops Union officials were unavailibe
for comment. PAGE TWO
09 FEBRUARY 2000
Volume Thirteen
Issue Nine
09 February 2000
Bree Baxter
Assistant Editors
Dan Anderson
Jay Garcia
Kiri Nichol
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Dan Anderson
Bree Baxter
Mike Boestzkes
Timothy Chan
Jag Dost
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Joanna Karaplis
Phil Ledwith
Sean Martin
Jake McKinlay
Trevor Presley
Ajay Puri
Mandy Seymour
Sara Stamm
Reka Sztopa
Penny Whitcomber
Laura Yang
Legal Information
The 432 is published every so often
from the basement of the Chemistry
Building. The 432 is the official publication of the Science Undergraduate Society and science students in
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists from every faculty are
encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must
meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information. Do you hear
me? I'm not going to print your article if you don't tell me your name.
All facts herein are strictly factual,
and are in no way to be confused
with the facts found therein.
God bless the underwire bra.
This issue was powered by the following: Quake; raw fish (dead, but
raw); bad popcorn; and a strange
rendition of a Leonard Cohen song
that just kept playing over and over
again, interspersed by that Weird
Al song. We need more CD's.
Never Bohr-ing
Sean Martin
Science Envy
Slittle while back 1 grabbed a copy of
the "Science Week" Edition of the
432, and what do I see? An ugly Sci-
Guy looking back at me! Einstein on the
cover! Why? Sure, he came up with a couple
of smart ideas, but does he really embody science of the twentieth century? No. Today's
kids demand more. Spewing out facts and theories may have gotten the job done back in the
good old days, but not anymore. Appearance
means more than it used to. Kids today don't
want to hear about what some senile old man
had to say about energy, mass and the speed of
light. They would rather ship grandpa off to
the old-folks home where they make him comb
his hair and stop him from causing mischief.
Historical science should be the basis of science heroes, but Einstein definitely isn't the
one. If not Einstein, then who? Neils "The
Real Deals" Bohr, that's who! Why? Allow
me to enlighten you: Let's start off with name
recognition. Bohr is a common name in both
chemistry and physics, as well as at a selective
group of tables in the Totem Park Cafeteria. A
good example of this would be the presence of
"Bohr" in the periodic table. Bohr-on, which
is dumbed down to Boron for table purposes,
is one of the more famous elements the table
has to offer (some of you may remember the
movie Bohr-on starred in with Bruce Willis,
"The Fifth Element"). Other examples
include, "this class is so bohr-ing", and the
now famous "Bohr-atom", for which The Real
Deals picked up a Nobel Prize.
This world-renowned honour was bestowed
upon Bohr for his work in atomic structure.
One problem - Neils was wrong, which leads
to the question of who is the bigger fool: the
fool himself, or the people who believe him?
Everyone believed Bohr. Everyone believed
him to the point where he was awarded the
Nobel Prize. Is there anything wrong with
this? No. Absolutely nothing. If anything, this
makes Bohr more of a cult-hero to today's
youth. He will forever be known as the man
who got a Nobel Prize for being wrong, and
the youth of today like the idea of getting
something for nothing. Bohr's stock is rising.
Now, before I go on to another main point, I
feel the need to address the Rutherford issue.
As some of you may be aware, Ernest Rutherford invited Neils "The Real Deals" Bohr to
do research with him. It is rumored that during this time, Bohr stole work from Rutherford, modified it, and sold it off as his own,
and inevitably won the Nobel Prize for it. Why
do people say that Bohr is a no talent hack
bumping material off Rutherford? If Rutherford was such a smart guy, he would have figured it out himself! Big Ernie just couldn't
take the fact that Bohr was the better man! Is
it possible that Bohr stole his work? Probably.
But if he did, does anyone in the modern era
care? Not really. Why? Because Bohr just
gave you an example of modern day business.
It's a dog-eat-dog world, where people will
kill to get the advantage, and Bohr was all
about the advantage.
Now, the number one reason why Bohr
should be the official super-hero of science:
Looks - pure and simple. In this world, lots of
people can be qualified as good-looking and
ugly-looking, and unfortunately scientists of
past generations definitely make up for a large
percentage of the ugly side of the spectrum.
Neils Bohr broke this trend. Have you looked
at the man? Neils never married, so I'm
assuming he had large amounts of science
groupies in every town he visited. This of
course brings up the question of who had more
women, basketball great Wilt "The Stilt"
Chamberlain or science great Neils "The Real
Deals" Bohr, which is a debate in itself. In
conclusion, I hope that this information finds
its way into the hearts of the science faithful.
My soul is now prepared, and I can die a
happy man. When I do, my spirit will ascend
up towards Bohr-topia, where Neils and I will
party with hot angels as far as the eye can see.
The real reason Neils Bohr never made it big
in the science world is that he's a not a
freak! If you had to remember a scientist by
looks alone, would you remember Einstein
(the "ugly sci guy"), or the above Neils
Bohr? I didn 't think so!
The Fine Art of War
Bree Baxter
Meow meow
The strangest thing happened the other
day. I went to print off the last issue of
the 432 (which, by the way, was quite
nice if you got past the front cover) and the
whole thing exploded! It was very bad. As a
result, I've had to change the look of the
paper. Isn't it pretty? I like it alot, and I'm not
just saying that so you'll actually read this
issue. When in doubt, make it all up and hope
they won't notice.
AMS Elections
What has been happening in UBC for the past
two and a half weeks? We had AMS elections.
That's right, your new ant masters have been
duly elected by the 3% of the campus population that bothered to vote. Who are they? Various harmless persons. Does it matter? Not
much. As I've statssi many, many times, the
AMS has no real power and therefore should
not be heeded as the entity responsible for anything that occurs on campus. If you want real
Power, go to the Old Admin building and ask
for Martha Piper. Will you get in to see her?
Hell no! That's the real show of power on this
SUS Elections
While those lovely AMS elections are over,
the SUS elections are coming up soon! In fact,
it's so soon that you have a whole month to
drop off your nomination form. It's on the
back cover. If you really, really don't like how
the SUS is being run, don't just sit back like a
loser and complain. Do something about it.
They say the real show of a man is how little
he whines and how much he does. You know,
the ones who go "I don't want to use a condom, I can't feel anything!" versus the ones
who can slide it on using only two fingers and
a wink.
Hallmark Should Die
It's Valentine's day next Monday. If you're in
a relationship, don't forget the flowers or
other gift, because if you do, you will soon be
in the category of the single person. As a single person, I can honestly say that this whole
week is going to suck. Every store, every television ad, every newspaper is hyping this commercial monstrosity to within an inch of my
life. I'm more in favour of the old pagan ritual where every eligible young person in the
village was rounded up, made to drink some
variety of hallucinogen, then let to wander into
the night field to have sex with whomever they
wanted, to ensure a bumper crop the following
summer. No commitment, no bad feelings,
just lots of rabid fucking.
If you're offended by the preceding paragraph, please do not go running to the Dean's
office. We are not in any way affiliated with
the Dean's office. If you want to complain
about the 432, complain to me; My email is
bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca. My phone
number is 822-4235 (it's the office number;
I'm not stupid enough to give you all my cell
number). I'll be in the SUS office between the
hours of 3am and 3:03am Sunday mornings to
accept all criticism.
Utensils Du Jour
Onto the real topic of this editorial: THat
scourge of humankind, the fork. IT'S an evil
thing. It's not useful to scoop with, as the
prongs allow non-solid matter to escape. It's
not that easy to spear bits, as most forks aren't
even sharp. THe only things forks are good
for is when you need to get rid of somebody
fast, and you know that the police would get a
bit ticked off if you plunged a knife into someone's leg.
Fresh Meat
New writers are good. A whole shwack of
them came out of the woodwork this past
week. Yay! Less space for me to fill with random quotes! Even though I like the random
quotes. Hey, do you think that you could write
for the 432? You do? Why, come on in! Our
next deadline is February 23rd, at 4:32 pm.
You have all of Reading Week to write an article! I would love you all so much.
Science Week
Science Week is now two weeks buried. How
fun was it? More fun than a punch to the kidneys! Beyond First Year and Beyond the B.Sc.
went off well. Some of you feel that perhaps
money from your SUS fee should not have
been spent on free pizza for the attendees of
these events. So what? We also have free filtered water in the SUS for anyone who wants
it! So why don't you come in and get a drink?
We also have a very inexpensive photocopier.
And SUS has couches that you can sit on for
free. And, we have air that you can breathe for
free too!
I've been told I'm being facetious. Sorry.
Read the 432. Read the new publication, Paradigm. Vote in the SUS elections. Watch lots
of TV. Sleep during Reading Week. Write for
the 432. Sing the theme song from Inspector
Gadget because it really, really pisses Dan off.
Lastly, you really need to stop taking gratification from meaningless drivel that is printed,
so it has the illusion of authority. You should
be ashamed of yourself.
"Never accept
an invitation
from a stranger
unless he gives
you candy/'
-Linda Festa 10 JANUARY 2000
While Bread and TV
Joanna Karaplis
Anti-Regis Fan Club
I admit to watching "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" sometimes, if only to laugh at
the dumb Americans. It's a typically
American show: over-hyped, annoying, overweight, under-intelligent, and yet so profitable. If extremely poor non-Americans had
TVs, I'm sure they could profit from watching
the show. They'd realize how dumb the average American is, and instead of attempting to
invade the country (which is well protected by
paranoid testosterone junkie military rednecks), they'd just think up some diet-pill or
get-rich-quick scam and cheat the country out
of billions, thus restoring the global balance
and ending world hunger. Americans may be
big fat bullies, but they aren't smart. How else
could they possibly pride themselves on knowing the answer to, "Which of the following
does not have a tongue? a)Human being b)Dog
c)Sneaker d)Apple?" If they can't figure that
stumper out, they can use one of their three
"lifelines": phone a friend, poll the audience,
or have the computer remove two of the wrong
answers. I recommend the last option, since
odds are if you're on the show, your friends
and audience are Americans too. Besides the
ethics of rewarding people for living in Amer
ica and watching way too much TV for the
past thirty years or so, the show is eerily
Texas-centric. Hey Texans! You're a bunch
of stupid violent rednecks, and if I were you I
wouldn't brag about having George Bush as
your governor! As if all that weren't bad
enough, the show has racist undertones.
Watch it closely. Perhaps you'll feel that it
would be more accurately called "Which Middle-Class White Guy Wants to be a Millionaire?" Last time I checked, white men were
not the only human beings who wanted to get
rich. Women and non-whites haven't issued a
statement that they're satisfied with their current level of income and have absolutely no
desire to be awarded vast sums of money for
answering dumb questions. So why are well
over 90% of the contestants white males? I
refuse to believe that America is 98% Caucasian, no matter what the demographics of
TV shows try to prove. Obviously something
fishy is going on in the contestant-screening
process. Gotta love institutional racism and
sexism. Next time you watch the show,
remember: American culture has stagnated, so
now the country is trying to fix its economy by
giving the stupid people an easy way to get
rich. A new class of very stupid and rich people will emerge, and the economy will shift
production to meet demands. Quadruple
Cheeseburger McMeal Deal? Sequined cars?
Continued cuts to education, now that the
emphasis is stupidity? Be very afraid.
Nothing At All
Dan Anderson
Brought Me Chocolates
Nothing. I still have nothing to write
about. So I might as well write about
nothing. Now, if innocence is bliss,
then how good would absolute nonexistence,
the perfection of innocence (how can you
know anything if you do not exist) be? A hundred thousand times better? What's a hundred
thousand times better than bliss? Nothing.
How I love circular definitions. One of the few
things that people will argue is better than bliss
is sex. And what with all those government
people giving us warnings about AIDS and
herpes and that damn itchy thing you get from
pigs, sex apparently often leads to death. So,
if it's better than bliss, it still leads to nothingness. Mmm... death due to sexually (pig?)
related semi-natural causes. Think about it.
All those government types, telling us that sex
can lead to warts, rotten genitals and death.
Come on. The Man is telling us that something
the public enjoys is bad for their health. Just
like The Man's laws on minors not being
allowed booze, and those damn anti-BC homegrown laws. Every kid this side of twelve has
tossed down enough vodka to kill "Fluffy"
(his or her dog) and anyone with any sense of
pride has sampled BC's finest. Bad for our
health, my ass. In China, because of overpopulation, they have legislation limiting the number of children you can have. The Man knows
this. He knows that Canada wants to keep its
low person/square km ratio. So, if something
was as bad for us as He claims, do you really
think we would have all these laws against it?
Get real. It's just the fact that all the 'self-
made millionaires' (translation: growers and
dealers) are potential threats. Money=power,
they say. Hah! People say money means nothing. I'll omit the obvious nothingness and happiness comparison.
If you believe in God, and you believe that he
or she or it or whatever created the universe,
and (sorry about all the ands) that everything
God does is 'good', then you are calling nothingness good.  God created space.  Perfect
space-has nothing in it. Perfect space is therefore measurable nothingness. God created it, it
is good, therefore nothingness is good, by
religious decree. Beat that! (Not that I believe
in God or anything, it's just a good argument.)
Wow. I have three paragraphs in one article!
That hasn't happened since my first one. I
must be losing it. Mmm... losing it. Death is
good. Find me one person at UBC who thinks
life a pleasure to enjoy, and I'll find you either
a religious fanatic or someone enjoying the
tasteful mind-altering qualities of crack. Death
has everything anyone who has exams ever
wanted: peace,quiet, and release from stress.
Life has exams, and after a long enough period in this place of learning, (must resist emp-
tation to insert "place of sexual escapades")
life is The Real World. The Real World isn't
like university, high school, or those visits
with Aunt Flo where she made you water the
plants weekly. The Real World is more like
those summers where you worked your ass off
for enough money to (hopefully) cover university and housing and food for next year and
(definitely) partying every night and day off.
From what I've been told, The Real World
doesn't involve (horror of horrors!) telling
Fun, 'I can party every weekend with you,
Fun, and enjoy you in my spare time', but
rather 'I have to work and pay bills and be
responsible. Go away, Fun. I don't have time
for you.' Unless you are an ex-432 editor.
Popcorn that doesn't pop is really annoying.
You're sitting there, munching on greasy, buttery, fluffy popcorn (thanks Bree) when suddenly you realize it's time to head for the dentist: 'cuz there's a kernel embedded so deep
your gum so far that you only know it's there
because of the pain and the lump. That, dear
people, is why unpopped kernels are annoying. Damn surprise tactics: one second you're
contentedly consuming enough sodium and oil
for three years, the next you're in extreme
agony, and not because of the heart attack that
salt and butter are notorious for. It's the shock
of the evil hidden seed.
Note that the last paragraph had nothing to do
with the rest of the article. That's right, nothing. Sweet sweet nothingness. On that last
note, I wish you, Faithful Reader, a good passage to nothingness. May it be swift.
Plant OopsI
Penny Whitcomber
Loves her union
t long last, the new SUB steps are finished. What a grand display; what an
exciting time for us all. Too bad the steps
took six months to redo. Too bad they look worse
now than they did before. Thanks, UBC.
The problem is not only that this particular set of
steps was the most convenient set of steps on the SUB's north side. It's not that students were
forced to walk all the way over to the adjacent steps - the ones which, if anyone had a choice,
were preferably avoided due to their absolutely useless location (unless you were a fitness buff
always walking to the SUB from the direction of the Student Recreation Centre).
It's not only that the longest delay took place after the concrete was poured into the mold and
had already dried, a job which seemed to be finished by about the first of October. What were
they doing? Decorating? Polishing?
It's not only that the step-makers rarely seemed to be working, but rather spent their days jack-
hammering away at the same damn hole in the ground and disturbing all the customers at the
Bank of Montreal ... or eating lunch and strolling around in galoshes attempting to look like
they were working. They didn't even erect stair-rails until the day before they finally re-opened
the area.
And the problem is not only that the steps now look - ahem - slightly less than outstanding, especially for a six-month-long paid work stint. To be fair, the new steps were probably not planned
by mod-designer architects. But to be honest, they look crappy! The edges are all crumbly and
the configuration is totally boring. The new steps don't look new or even attractive; they don't
make you want to walk up them. The other set of steps - the inconvenient one - looks more snappy, more cutting edge, even though it's older.
Is this a function of unionisation? Do people band togethef so they can build less-than-excep-
tional stairs without getting fired? The job should not, first of all, have taken six months to complete, although surely some unionised, construction-worker architect out there will produce the
blueprints to refute such a claim. Frankly, the way the present steps look, a professional babysitter probably could have completed the job within six weeks after watching "Bob Makes Steps"
on TV for a half hour. And second, if it had to take such a long time, why didn't the job result
in a set of steps suitable to the visual needs of the student body?
The problem is that after taking so long, the new SUB steps completely lack the brand of
panache UBC students are looking for. Convenience is not enough: aesthetics matter. And this
new construction, though viable, is definitely not a stairway from heaven.
/ hope you don't think that this article means that Penny is anti-union. Far from it. In fact,
each and every one of the 432 editorial staff is very much in favor of Plant Ops.
Secondly, I want you to know that theose steps are very nice. They are solid (which is always
a goot physical state for contrete) and they are flat (well, sort of). As long as they don't melt
in the rain, they're fine, right? So congrats to Plant Ops, and let's hope they get to our work
order soon.
Alternative and Integrative Medical Society
Topic: Active Nutrition & Ageless Performance -Sports
Nutrition With Franco Cavaleri, B.Sc.
Date: February 10, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 6
Topic: Chiropractic in the Millennium with Rosette
Martinez, DC (from the LA College of Chiropractic)
Date: February 24, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 5
Topic: The Nature of Acupuncture with Ting-Ting Jiang,
Date: March 9, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 5
Topic: Homeopathy with David Gerring, MD
Date: March 16, 2000.12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 1
Topic: Clinical Herbalism with Rowan Hamilton, Dip
Date: March 16, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
Location: IRC 1
The Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
Box 81, University of British Columbia,
6138 S.U.B. Boulevard, Vancouver, BC, V6T 1Z1
email::aims@interchange. ubc. ca
web: www.ams.ubc.ca/aims
ph:     (604V822-8085
fx:      (604)-986-6575 Achieve your dream in health tare as a Doctor or ehiropractic
Med school prerequisites can be brutal. But as
Hippocrates was overheard to say "Often
there's a better way to fulfill a dream." Yes,
there is another choice in your quest for a
medical career. It is Chiropractic. Here's why.
Scientifically-based Chiropractic is...
• a revdutionary and path-breaking
approach to health care
• an accepted scientifically,
evidence-based approach
to patient care
• rated h the top 25% of America's
best occupations wth the fastest
increase in annual income
• projected as a profession where employment is
" expected to increase rapidly and job prospects
should be good"
Choose Los Angeles College
of Chiropractic
Los Angeles College of Chiropractic (LACC) is the
U.S. leader in Chiropractic education. Heres why.
LACC is...
• the leader in chiropractic
scientifically-based and
evidence-based approach to
patient care
• a leader in chiropractic programs of sports
medicine with emphasis in sports injuries, nutrition,
radiology, pediatrics and pain management
• located near one of the world's most important
urban centers, yet offers a peaceful and intimate
suburban college environment
• the only Chiropractic college accreclited by the
Western Association of Schools and Colleges.
JA/ASC) Fcxjndedin1911,UCChasalongand
proven tradition of excellence
College of Chiropractic
learn more
about LACC:
16200 E Amber Valley Dr.
FD. Box 1160
\A/hittier,CA 90609-1166
1. Call us: 1-800-221-5222 (ext417)
2. E-mail us: inquiry@lacc.edu
3. Check out our web site: vwwv.lacc.edu
4. Come and see us by calling and scheduling
a visit with an LACC admission counselor
We're coming to see you Feb. 24!
Representives will meet with UBC students to
share information and answer questions about
LACC and the Chiropractic profession at the
Woodward Bldg, Lecture Hall 5,2194 Health
Sciences Mall, from 1230 to 130 pm
At LACC you will...
• participate in our world
renowned ADVANTAGE
R-ograrn providing problem-
oriented, competency-based,
and patient-centered curriculum
• work with fealty on research projects funded by
the leading medical schools on the west coast
• become a Doctor of (>iropractic (DC) and fulfill
your dream of a career in health care
Your Future is
in Your Hands
** £:■&&,.
Canadian tuition discount available 09 FEBRUARY 2000
Higher Than Jesus!
Trevor Presley
Mile High Club
I took my life into my hands and went flying
with my friend Mike on weekend. I don't
really like to write about near death experiences but my deadline approaches and Bree
has pooh-poohed my article on the "mysteries
of cheese". So let me tell you a little tale about
a "three hour tour" which doesn't end with us
stranded on a desert island with a "professor"
who can't build a freakin raft.
Our story begins on Saturday morning at the
Boundry Bay airport in Delta with our heroes,
Trevor and Mike, who are about to embark on
a little adventure. I love flying with Mike, as
he only makes me buy dinner in exchange for
a couple hours of top-notch sight seeing. I suspect he bring me along as an emergency food-
source in case we crash, but the subject hasn't
come up. Flying with Mike is also fun because
he does crazy stuff like pretending to have a
heart-attack during the flight, at which point I
"pretend" to scream like a little girl while desperately trying to locate the radio. We always
have a good laugh when he does that, until we
land, then I punch him out. Trevor's flight
safety rule #1: Don't kill the pilot until you are
on the ground. The other exciting thing about
Mike is that he was going to take me flying in
his new "home-built" plane.
Home-built planes, or Kit planes, are the new
fad for private pilots. The whole idea is that
you pay around $100,000 for the parts of the
plane and then assemble it in your garage over
a period of a year. It's sort of like Ikea for
planes, except you end up as a fireball on the
6 o'clock news if you don't follow the instructions correctly. Mike's new plane was built by
his Dad in just four months. Mike's dad was
able to build it so fast by leaving out unnecessary steps like installing the landing gear and
parachute holders. I have to admit; the plane
looked pretty cool sitting on the runway. But
never judge a book by its cover, for as I
peered inside of the plane, it appeared a little
more rugged than expected. I don't know
whether it was the plywood floor or the foam
seat that caused me concern, but Mike assured
me I had nothing to worry about. My concern
was further raised when I saw the sign posted
in front of the passenger seat "Warning passenger: This plane was built by an amateur and
does not comply with the Federal Aviations
safety standards for a normal plane. The amateur also probably drank a lot of beer and listened to devil music while working on the all-
important engine" Okay, the last sentence I
made up, but the rest is real. Before I could
change my mind and de-plane, we were taxing
for take off and Mike was refusing to show me
how to open my door.
We took off from Boundary Bay airport, flew
over Surrey, and headed towards the North
Shore Mountains. Our plan for the day was to
fly over the Coast Mountains to Whistler and
then fly back to Vancouver. As we flew over
the snow covered Coast Mountains, Mike kept
saying encouraging things like "Oh! we could
do an emergency landing there and over there
too!". This is stupid, because I knew that any
crash landing would turn us into a human slur-
py and even if we did survive the landing, we
only had one chocolate bar for food and Gap
vests to keep us warm. Everybody in
Hypothermia. We arrived over Whistler about
40 minutes later and circled the ski hill several times. We saw a group of snowboarders
way out of bounds waving frantically at us.
They had even spelled what looked like "Kelp
- Lost!" in the snow, which struck me as
weird, because the top of a snow-covered
mountain probably isn't the best place in
British Columbia to look for lost marine
plants. We waved back and continued on our
way. Mike decided he needed to pee so we
approached Pemberton airport for a landing.
The runway at Pemberton had snow on it, so
as we were coming into land I turned to Mike
and asked, "Have you ever made a snow landing before?" to which he replied, "No, this
should be interesting". We managed to touch
down on the runway without skidding too
much and soon we came to a stop near a snow
bank. We got out of the plane and started
laughing about our near death experience.
Then I punched him out.
I got free peanuts on the bus ride back to Vancouver.
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me
-Nicol Williamson
Thix.r5dt%y February
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^^        EXPLOSIVE
09 FEBRUARY 2000
Father Knows .• •
^WU/  Jay Garcia
Home Alone
I'm in the slow process of moving out. So
slow, in fact, that I've seen glaciers move
faster, though it's zippier than watching
continents migrate (fact: in ten thousand years,
the entire Los Angeles basin will be our next
door neighbor, in much the same way that
Victoria is our neighbor. Scary.) However,
my relocation from my esteemed parent's
domicile is being hampered, oddly enough, by
my father. And I always thought that it was
my mother's apron strings that I'd have to cut.
I have to put this in context through the rather
bald statement that I am an only child. This
means that there is an awful amount of scrutiny brought to bear on my every action. Thus
the abject desire to leave home, despite the
massive creature comforts available to me
whilst I reside beneath my parent's roof. Like
the laundry being done for me. Or someone
else paying my cable bills. Or being able to
steal leftovers for lunch.
However, an opportunity to move to a really
nice place has come up. The plan was that I
would be moving into a biggish house with
heated hardwood floors and a swimming pool
/ hot tub combo. Even better, it would have
been rent free. Joy of all joys, I'd be house sitting. For about two or three years. Whee!
This, however, brings us back to those diffi-
cult-to-sever apron strings issue. For this
house is in the rather beautiful if remote region
of White Rock, and I have no means of getting
there and coming to UBC, unless I were to
purchase a car. Now, I was supposed to be
obtaining my parent's car, but that plan's had
the kibosh put upon it, largely through my
father's arcane machinations and his
inscrutable desire to keep me at home. No car,
no moving out. Now, I could just go out and
buy a car, but I have a girlfriend, and it's dangerous to confuse those two priorities.
Damn it all. Now I'm stuck at home. Then
again, maybe I could convince my girlfriend to
either a. move in with me over in White Rock,
or b. let me move in with her in her west side
house. Hey, either way, I'd have access to a
car... but there I go messing up those priorities
Happy Valentine's Day, one and all! (BTW,
if you're reading this Robyn, I'm kidding.
Really I am. And I apologize in advance for
Phil's article).
The only thing scarier than the Los Angeles
Basin (which is the third ring of Hell, by the
way), is the fact that Jay Garica wants to
move to White Rock. I'm from White Rock.
Not originally; Calgary first. But when I go
home for Reading Break and for Christmas
and those annoying family holidays, I will
know, in the back of my mind, that Jay Garcia is lurking around somewhere. The one
mall, the barber shop, or even the soda shop:
He just may be there.
You know Jay, you could commute via bus
from White Rock. I did it for three years, and
I'm none the worse for wear *twitch*. It only
takes ninety minutes in the morning, and a bit
longer in the evenings. Three hour commute?
No problem! What's even better is that there
is a nicer class of bus rider going to and
from White Rock. They shower often, dress in
clean cloths, and won't sneeze in you.
;sed Contest
^ked, and you angwered.
obel Prize Winners were:
inus J.G Veltman
Hooft &
Physics: Ge ^^
Chemistry: /injgd H. zew<
Physiology/l^mne: Cui
Peace: MedeciWBile FroJ
Economics: Ro
Literature: Cunti ^^^
The Dumb AsSSTHard
Miyako Hewett
Jeff Low
Areta w
These luck^g^^hs d
How many
come on, you;
hdoes tm
in this pai
something to do
>rd "the"
sading week.
To win, yoyphust be closest
you win, w)u will get a very
Email bmonique@interchan\
under, b
jet prj;
"     I WOULDN'T WORRY. HE'S      "*
The Prison Bars of SUS
Mike Boetzkes
Good morning, loyal subjects. Your
mission, should you choose to accept
it is as follows: First, you will all be
really nice to those hard working people who
are generously donating their time and skipping classes so that they can distribute surveys in your classes. Answer the surveys and
write us a nice story on the back. We've had
some really good ones so far.
Next, you will all come out and run in the
SUS executive elections. This is especially
important for all of you who don't like what
we're doing here. I encourage you to come
and make a difference instead of just complaining. This is a novel new concept that
I've been playing with. You know, the part
where take an active part in making this university a better place.
Finally, and most importantly, you will all
leave all your worries and classes behind and
go enjoy your reading week. This will be
your last chance to have fun before summer
so enjoy it.
This message will self distract in 5 seconds.
Damn exploding mechanism! Broken again.
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
Hi everyone. Thanks to everyone for
coming out to the events during our
very successful Science Week. The
booths in the SUB looked great and Games
Day and Cold Fusion were awesome.
I hope that midterms are going well and that
you are gearing up for a great week off.
The next few month will be really eventful, so
stayed tuned for lots of info.
To start off, First Year Committee is holding
a Canned Food Drive to raise cans for the
Vancouver Food Bank. Many people support
the Food Bank during Christmas time, but
afterwards there is usually a shortage. I know
that you can all afford to buy a few cans or
clean out your cupboards and find those cans
that you know you are never going to eat. Our
goal is 2000 cans, and the drive starts on February 7th and ends on March 3rd. You can
drop your cans off at the front entrance to
most science buildings on campus, as well as
in Angus, Buchannan, Totem and Vanier.
Please show your support and help us reach
our goal.
Also, First Year Committee is hosting a Hot
Chocolate Day that will be on Thursday, February 10th from 9-lpm on the grassy median
at the corner of Main Mall and University
Blvd. Hot chocolate is $0.25 for first years,
$0.50 for everyone else, or free if you bring a
can for the Canned Food Drive!
Positions available for SUS Exec 2000/01
are as follows: President, Internal VP, External VP, Executive Secretary, Public Relations
Officer, Social Coordinator, Directors of
Finance, Sports and Publications. Please email
me if you have any questions! rsztopa@inter-
Have a great Reading Week.
Sara Stamm
Nothing to report for sports, again,
except that the only event left to do
this term is Storm the Wall. It is a
really worthwhile event, even if it is the only
thing you do this year. You have a team of five
for this event, and involves sprinting, long distance running, swimming, and mountain bike
racing, as well as climbing over a twelve foot
wall. Do it, it's fun.
Rebates will be coming at the end of March,
but I have started collecting receipts already.
Again, I am giving 60% back.
See y'all at Storm the Wall!
G>o4 fttNo
Gcrr t% No
Fee/ £U*cftfeA (y -h& At1£/G£$
HteJ-r\ PlfKi^! Doh. -/ -fVvsJi you Uo^Jt
tf^oWjU s+o&y -to coJZr W?
Apply for the Health Plan Assistance Fund, if you feel your
situation warrants it. The fund is endowed with $66,666
to reimburse some UBC students for their Health Plan
Premium ($112 from Jan 2000 to Aug 2000), based on the
financial need.
The application procedure has been made as easy as
possible, although supporting documents are required.
Please do not apply if you know you do not quality. We're
all adults here.
The deadline for applying is Feb. 9th. Thaf s today.
Go /vow/ KiyU*/ a-ow/
Applications can only be made over the web at
Come into SUS if you need a computer!!
External Vice
Mandy Seymour
Hi all, it's Mandy. Science Week was
great with a few exceptions and I'd
like to take this chance to thank all the
clubs for their help! The club displays were
great and the volunteers that showed up at 8am
on Monday to set up tables - thank you thank
you thank you. Also if you missed i, Ajay and
Katherine ran an awesome Gamesday 2000
with a trike race and a 3-legged race and other
fun games. It rocked! There were engineers,
AMS folk, representatives from science clubs
and folks from the Dean's Office. If you
missed it be sure to come to it next year!
Keri Gammon
This is your friendly secretary reporting
as to the ongoings of SUS for the weeks
of January 24-Feb 4th. Science Week
has come and gone, and apart from some
minor glitches, it was a success. Dean Klawe
is still giddy from her team's 3rd place finish
in Games Day 2000. It was quite a sight - the
Dean, peddling fiercely on her little bike,
streamers whipping in the wind. We have pictures for blackmail...um...I mean entertainment purposes. As for this week, a few of us
from SUS have been hitting the classrooms
with a survey we developed - so if we come to
your class, be a sport and fill it out. Oh, and
to the cheery individual who used the survey
to launch a personal attack on me and accuse
SUS of being behind the cancellation of Micro
201/202 labs - please keep in mind that, just
like your Teaching Evaluations, all forms with
personally insulting comments will be
destroyed. Maybe you would like to join me
for my office hour on Tuesday at 12:30 for a
nice, rational chat? You can have a second
opportunity to fill out a survey, this time without the references to my mother. I'll be the
cute little girl trying desperately to finish my
Bio 350 lab report. Hey, who knows anything
about commitment to division in ciliate cell
Ajay Puri
BITCHIN! That's all I got to say about
Science week. Gamesday was an amazing turn out. We had 7 teams competing in
numerous funky events to become the number
1 team. TBA (general science) team came in
first, then the Physsoc team and the amazing
Prof team led by Maria Klawe came in third.
Cold Fusion: turn out 300 peeps all having a
kick ass time. The moshpit was freakin' sweet
mostly b/c Dan was the bomb, lifting all the
chicks into the mosh! It was an amazing concert and seeing all the drunk people and what
they do when the are drunk was totally worth
it! Thanks to all who helped b/c w/out you
guys it would haven't been a success!
Jag Dost
Another fine issue of the 432 enters the
world. All is fine on the money front.
I have, as far as I know, spent your
money wisely. I have tried and tried to embezzle some of it, unfortunately the other executives refuse to let me. Kinda sucks. I'm broke
and need cash in a big way too. Losers.
Anyway, Science Week has come and gone.
It went fairly well overall. A few fuck ups
here and there, but nothing that some executives didn't blow madly out of proportion. I'll
tell ya. Sometimes watching these people sickens me. They go for the throat and don't let
go. Cruel as it may sound, they're like children squabbling over scraps and painstakingly
waiting for the day when they can nail one
another to a cross in public for all to see. Evil.
But sorry, I rant. I just grow tired of the
childishness. Retract thine claws and repent, I
say. Of course, that's just my opinion. I could
be wrong! Chan 1, Fox 20!!!
Timothy Chan
Hello fellow Science students! This is
your friendly Science Senator making
his first appearance in the 432. So
what do I do? Basically, I attend meetings with
the President, Deans, Faculty, etc and we look
at everything from admission standards to cur
riculum changes to student appeals. So what
can you do? Well, the Student Senators traditionally get together every year and pick one
big topic/issue to bring forward (as a group) to
Senate. An example would be the quality of
teaching facilities. We are in the process of
leaving our "legacy" this year, so if you have
an issue that you are concerned about, you can
reach me at ndestrukt@msn.com and I will
bring it up with the others. Good luck with
those midterms!
ood Drive
February 7 - March 3
Goal: 2000 cans
Cans can be dropped off in boxes located near
the front entrance to most science buildings as
well as in Angus, Buchannan, Totem and Vanier.
Please buy a few cans or empty out
your cupboards and help those in
What you can bring: baby
food, beans, canned fruit,
dried pasta, soup, juice,
powdered   milk,   rice,
canned meats and coffee
and suger. No perishables!
sponsored by First Year Committee PAGE EIGHT
09 FEBRUARY 2000
Zero Sum Gomes for the Love in Your Life
Phil Ledwith
Going For Broke
Ever played a game you can't win?
That's a rhetorical question, actually.
(If you're an artsie, you might have to
go look that word up in a dictionary before
proceeding). If you've stood in the freezing
February rain as the number 41 splashes by,
already full of sardine-packed steaming sweaty
crazy people with no personal hygiene and a
midterm in half an hour, you know what I'm
talking about here. If you've tried to find parking on campus, you know what I'm talking
about. Hell, anyone who ever picked up a
phone to call telereg has played a zero sum
Anyone who has ever been in any relationship
lasting longer than two weeks knows all about
Zero-sum games. This article is for you.
Happy Valentine's day.
What, precisely, is a zero sum game? In
geek, "Fve-taken-all-the-math-courses-this
racking-dump-can-offer" terms, a zero sum
game is one in which the sum of all the payouts must come to zero; that is, for every winner in the game, there must be a loser. If there
are only two players, this means that whatever the winner "wins" comes directly out of the
loser's pockets (think tuition: UBC gets the
money, you get to eat Kraft dinner for four
years). But personally, I could never stand
smug arsed math eggheads who never spend a
moment in the real world.
More generally, Zero-sum has come to mean
situations where there really are no winners.
Military leaders are very fond of the term zero
sum, which they like to use when describing
war games. This is usually just before they
siphon off a large enough portion of the GNP
to feed Africa for twenty years. But Zero sum
has come to have the greatest emotional resonance with me when discussing those little
moments in life when it is impossible to win,
or even get ahead; Zero-sum, in my mind, has
become synonymous with catch-22. But without the actual twisted logic that makes up the
catch, because then I'd just be talking about
the university administration again.
Catch-22, incidentally, describes anyone who
has been single for more than a year and is
therefore (almost by definition) unable to get a
date. This article is also for you. Happy
Valentine's day.
Let's look at some examples of genuine
unwinnable situations, which -surprise, surprise - come from experiences of relationships. Say you're a small Asian man (not me),
and you're dating this hot chick you met playing Quake at 4am. She's a game designer
who's also in medical school who also writes
books about neutered cats or something. Doesn't matter. And she's really, really, really
cute, which does matter. And you want to
keep her.
Now, here's the thing. She also has this sister, who's really, really, incredibly cute. And
she might be underage. Or not. She's definitely the younger of the two, which means your
hottie girlfriend is really protective of her. Can
you see where this is heading yet? I'll give you
a hint; think "American Beauty", only in
reverse. Movies sandwiched between these
two demanding females could be an emotional
minefield. Be nice to the jailbait, and your
girlfriend will ridicule you forever after she's
removed your nards with a spoon; be nasty to
the jailbait, and her protective sister might
decide to nuke your house (and computer!!
Mother of god, no, not the hard drive!!!) in
retaliation. Oh, and then she'll dump you. Do
nothing, and your evil friends will write articles in the campus newspaper about you, while
both females in question take advantage of
your indecision and tighten the screws. Welcome to zero sum.
But let's not limit myself to picking on my
friends. A long time ago, I experienced the
dubious fortune of dating an escaped lunatic
(like most escaped lunatics, she now works as
a QA engineer). Let's call her "tank girl".
Now, some people who know me well have
accused me from time to time of exaggerating
the truth, so I'm going to stick to literal quotes
here. For example, when I say that she was a
lunatic, that's because she once said to me
"you know, when I was in second year, I went
crazy and had to go to the hospital. So don't
do anything to upset me, because I'll go crazy
again". Only thing was, it was hard to tell that
there would really be any difference; I distinctly remember being told, while clinging to
the edge of a Gage Towers regulation sized
bed, in a room maintained at a temperature
that would have cooked bacon, that I
"breathed too loud". So I couldn't quit the
relationship in case she followed through on
her plan to do the sky train dive, but at the
same time the relationship was driving me
crazy. Someone was going crazy. Someone
had to lose. Relationships suck.
No-win situations make up ninety nine percent of all relationships. At first glance, this
may seem like a bad thing. More words have
been written on the "am I fat?"/"does this
dress make me look fat?"/"do you think I
should lose weight?" question than can be
found in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Among
the more popular responses: (1) the Alan Alda
response: "only an oppressive and evil male
hierarchy would conspire to make you feel
anything less than perfect about your deity-
given physical shape, beloved", (2) the Dennis
Leary response : "No, porky, you look fine.
Hey, could we get re-zoning for your ass, do
you think?" (3) The Woody Allan response: "
no, darling, you look... hey, is that your
daughter?...uh, fine. " and (4) the Ronald
Reagan response, which mostly consists of
catatonia - like silence as you wait for the horrible dilemma to go away. Okay, NO one's
ever actually advocated the Woody Allen
response, but for all the good it would do them
they might as well.
See, the point is, you have to realize that
nothing you can think of to say or do will ever
save you from a no win situation. You might
as well be a spam sandwich for all the good
it's going to do you. So, my advice is: be that
spam sandwich. It's not just Valentine's day
advice; it applies to all walks of life. To sum
it all up, remember the words of the immortal
Homer Simpson: "you tried your best, and
you failed. What does this teach you? Never
Don't settle for anything less.
That was very odd. This bald Englishman
wandered into SUS this morning and wanted
to play a game. I decided that he should
write me an article. Besides, I know half the
people he's mentioned. Yes, she was crazy.
Yes, his girlfriend is very cute. But no, you
can't have any. It's a early Valentine's present from me to you.
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