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The 432 Oct 20, 2006

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 VOLUME TWENTY ISSUE THREE
20th October 2006
Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition
-Adam Smith
University
Mystery of
Town Phase II   Reproduction
Announced
Solved
(UBC, AP)
After months of anticipation,
UBC finally unveiled plans for
Phase II of "University Town"
earlier this week. Highly enthusiastic
university officials did their best to
promote the new community vision
during an hour-long presentation at
War Memorial Gym, which included
an audio-visual show, fireworks,
Nepalese drummers, an interpretive
dance, and a brief question-and-
answer session.
The plan calls for continued construction of high-rise condominiums in the
campus core in order to "build on the
successes of University Town Phase I".
The condos will include "student-
geared" storefronts at street level,
including a hedge fund broker, day
spa, and luxury car dealership. Unfortunately for students, this will necessitate moving "auxiliary buildings" such
as classrooms, labs, and student space
to the south end of campus.
Additionally, plans for an underground bus loop near the SUB have
been scrapped, with "shifting demographics" cited as the cause. An
earnest UBC official pointed out that
"more and more members of our cam
pus community own 2 or more vehicles
per household. Although a vocal
minority still rides the bus, we feel
that we cannot cater to these special
interest groups."
Initial reaction from students and faculty was lukewarm at best. Molly
Stevens, a second year philosophy
major who attended the presentation,
expressed outrage that her classes
could now be as much as a half-hour
walk apart. University officials were
quick to correct her, explaining that
she should be prepared for transit
times as long as five hours. When
pressed for details, they sheepishly
explained that some students may
have "one or two classes a week" at the
UBC Okanagan campus, as there simply isn't enough room in UBC South
(or "UBC-So" as it will be branded) to
accommodate everybody.
After a few moments of stunned
silence, a reporter in the audience
asked how many students are expected
to be at the UBC Vancouver campus
after Phase II is completed. The question period was cut short, and a glossy
video featuring aerial flybys of UBC
campus set to the Disney tune "A
Whole New World" was shown.
(UBC, Reuters)
A study conducted by a team of scientists from the University of
British Columbia has shown that
humans are capable of rapidly multiplying
while standing on buses.
Whether the reproduction is sexual or
asexual is yet uncertain, though Emily
Chen, the team leader for the undergraduate portion of the study, explains to The 432
that sexual reproduction is more likely.
"Primates have not asexually reproduced
in millions of years and they are not going
to start now, regardless of what advances
the Internet has introduced into the
methodology of masturbation."
"Historically, observing human sexual
reproduction on buses has been extremely
problematic," says Lawrence Chow, Chen's
assistant. "It happens quickly and the subjects tend not to talk about it afterwards."
The study was made possible after a
recent breakthrough in quantum triscop-
tometer technology. Whereas previously
scientists were able to only observe the
speed of the self replication of a large number of transit riders or the positions they
assume during copulation, improved techniques in voyeurism allow scientists to
analyse chronologically sequenced images
of Girls Gone Wild.
Although many mechanisms of development are not yet completely understood, in
related studies clumsy pubescent intercourse is under close scrutiny by middle-
aged video technicians.
The model explains the phenomenon
transit riders encounter every morning. It
has been observed that humans equivalent
to up to half the bus' full capacity may exit
the bus at one stop, and few, if any, may be
able to board the bus.
The human life cycle has been rather simple until now. Like most primates, humans
are predominantly diploid. The free-living
part of the cycle is the human you will see
most often, and each cell of that human
body contains two identical sets of DNA.
The haploid gametes — the sperm and egg
that contain only one set of the genetic
material — do not survive long outside of
their diploid parents. When the gametes
unite inside a female, the new cell develops into a zygote, which quickly begins to
divide into a new diploid organism. This
process has been successfully replicated in
a controlled test environment, though
employing petri dishes and eye droppers is
reportedly far less interesting to study than
fucking.
The study was jointly funded by Viagara
and Trojan Condoms.
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.pbfcomics.com/)
AUTOMATIC
fiadL in a, AvUiirvu^j Qisur.
\
3      I. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20th October 2006
Volume Twenty
Issue Three
20th October 2006
Mistress of the Night
Colleen Atherton
Fairy Princess
Jon Lam
Komal the Mysterious
Peter Eugster
Wicked Stepmother
Randall Munroe
Nicholas Gurewitch
Howard Choy
Nik Pinski
Paul Lu
Dan Anderson
Lois Chan
Alex Lougheed
Louis Lee
Jennifer Fong
Varun Ramraj
Minions
SUS Exec
Narrator
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is publication of the Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC. This paper is intended for consumption by Science student; however, we realize that students in
other faculties are equally poor and
equally hungry. Please see page six
for delicious recipes involving this
paper.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and should contain the author's
name and contact information.
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
Dear Time
Colleen Atherton
Still Hasn't Hiccuped
Dear Time,
I received your email today re: Version
22. I am sorry to inform you that I will no
longer be subscribing to your product. I
have glimpsed what version 22 looks like,
and at this point I am not interested.
For the last week I have been test driving
your new product and I am deeply unsatisfied with it thus far. On the first day of
the trial, I awoke with a severe headache
and nausea. Since that day, your product
has required seven to eight hours of down
time a night in order to be functional in the
morning and is nowhere near as powerful
as previous versions have been. I have also
found the flexibility to have been reduced.
With every new version it is harder and
harder to bend down and pick things up
off the floor.
I realize I am due for the purchase of
another year, but I am still satisfied with
the year of 21. Although this version was
rather susceptible to viruses, especially
colds, the flu, and strep throat, I anticipate
that the newer version of your product
will be equally at risk of contracting viruses such as SARS, avian flu, and STD's, to
name a few. As new viruses are constantly being developed to target new versions
of your product, I am beginning to believe
that version 21 will in fact be safer in the
long run. Version 21 is already guarded
against many of the older virus strains due
to last year's antivirus protection.
I was very happy with many editions of
your product. Version 17 was very good,
as were versions 19 and 20. I can tell
already that version 22 will not be nearly
as bad as versions 13-15 (the GUI's on
those versions were much less attractive
and very awkward), but I would like to
make a couple of suggestions. If in version
23 you are able to remove the tendency of
the components to disconnect and shift, it
would be greatly appreciated. Also appreciated would be better virus protection.
Yours Truly,
Colleen Atherton
Congratulations to "Graben My Schist
the Pomphret Co-Rec Champions!!
**
Randall Munroe
xkcd.com
man, you're being ^consistent
With your, ARRAY indices. Sc*>e
Are Fro* we. 5o*e rue** zero.
DIFFERENT TASK* CAU- F0*
DIFFERENT (X>NVENTOf>>$. TO
GWTE STANFORD Ab30R»THMS
EXPERT  DONALD Knvth,
WHO ARE YOU? HOW Dlt^
YWGE.TW MY H0U5E?*
/
UA1T WHAT?
WELL, that's what HE
SAID WHEW I ASKED
H»M ABOUT IT. 20th October 2006
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Let's Redefine
the Week
Nik Pinski
Historically speaking
It was a good idea while it lasted. For
two thousand years (I pulled that figure
out of my ass), we've defined the
"week" as a period of seven days. Two of
them are generally known as the "weekend", and according to some people that's
really the only part that matters.
But times change. We're in the 21st century now. The world around us is warm
and cozy. Mostly warm. And warming.
We're practically a year away from the flying car and cheap robotic house cleaners.
(The Roomba doesn't count, since anything
that can't even clean up a little cat piss and
steel shavings doesn't deserve to exist, -ed) We
no longer do archaic activities like using
"slide rulers", riding "horses" for transport, "listening" to the "radio", or "boogying." And so, it's the right time for the fascist unfair Gregorian calendar system to go
away. Let's take a look at the week as we
currently know it.
Monday
The first day of the work week. You spend
all day in a sombre mood about the fact
that your hangover still hasn't gone away
while you're not likely to get another good
one for some - gasp - FOUR days. But there
is also a begruding acceptance of your fate.
You realize with humility that you're neither unemployed nor an arts student, and
so you have to put in at least some work
during some part of the week. (The fact that
there are ten thousand Garfield comics with the
line "I hate Mondays!" should attest to the
idiocy of that guy who draws Garfield, -ed)
Tuesday
The second-worst day of the week. Any
acceptance of your work-filled fate is slowly giving way to whining about having to
get up early. The week already feels like
it's been going on forever, yet the end of it
seems infinitely far away. Every time you
count in your head how many more days
are left until Friday, you end up surprised
at how large the number appears to be.
You curse God for not letting you be born
into decadence and/or royalty.
Wednesday
The "swing" day. You finally get into the
swing of things and no longer loathe having to make the daily trek to your
classes/job. You also have a guitar
lesson/improv workshop/ultimate practice/beer tasting class/pit night this
evening to brighten up your life just
enough to put a smile upon your face.
Thursday
You wake up with a grin, but you don't
know why. You feel energetic and optimistic and you don't understand it. Finally
around 3 O'clock you suddenly realize,
"Tomorrow's FRIDAY!!" and you solve
the mystery of the unexplained good
mood. The worst you ever get on Thursday
is thinking, "I wish today was Friday," and
that's not so bad since you only have to
wait a day for this to become true.
Friday
Might as well be your birthday. The sun
seems to shine all day. You breeze through
all your tasks as if in fast forward, and you
either skip your last two classes or dash
out of work early. You run home to ditch
your backpack, smell your armpits, and
proceed to the Bzzr garden. You get
absolutely plastered and end up at Mac-
Donald's at 3am with supreme inner peace
on your soul, and a drunk girl, guy, or both
on your lap. If every day was Friday, bud-
dhists wouldn't have shit on college students.
Saturday
You wake up after noon, and you spend
the next four hours in a relaxed daze as
you do everything in slow motion. Before
you know it, you've spent four hours on
Youtube and YTMND, and have yet to put
on any pants. You see a stack of homework, and a voice in your head tells you
you'll do it as soon as you finish some
laundry. After, the voice claims you'll do it
as soon as you get some groceries. After,
you realize that the son of a bitch has been
lying to you, but it's too late to do anything
about it, as a party awaits. You go out and
repeat Friday night, only with slightly less
drinking, and slightly more class (i.e. you
end up at Denny's instead of at Mickey
D's).
Sunday
The worst day of the week by far. As soon
as you wake up you remember you have
an assignment due the next day, two
midterms to study for, and a paper to
research. Your conscience is screaming like
a Southern Baptist Minister, while you
wonder where the FUCK it's been before.
Saturday's smooth-talking voice is giggling uncontrollably. It's enjoying your
panicking a little too much. You wish you
could go back a day in time and punch
yourself in the face. You spend all day
working, getting done only 70% of what
you needed, and regret not spending even
half an hour on schoolwork the day before.
You watch some Family Guy, go to bed,
and get ready to start the whole thing over
again. But WORST of all, the thing that
places Sunday in the same echelon as brus-
sel sprouts, dental surgery, and "Love
Actually" is even if you don't have an
obscene amount of work to catch up on,
you have a sense of dread throughout the
day over the fact that the weekend is
almost over and tomorrow's Monday. Forget waterboarding, if the US really wanted
to get Amnesty International pissed off,
they'd invent a way to erase POW's memories to make them think every day was
Sunday.
Immediately, dear readers, your scientific
minds can spot several problems with this
week structure. One, most of the work
week doesn't suck nearly as bad as we
probably think it does. Really, only Monday and Tuesday are crap, and Wednesday, like Andy Dick, can go either way.
Two, the weekend is not nearly long
enough. You barely have time to enjoy
your Saturday before Sunday arrives and
ruins your whole damn week.
What is the solution? It's simple: we add
two days to the week. One work day, and
one weekend day. Yes, I know it doesn't
seem like much, but believe me, you'll feel
it. So what if you have to go to school for 6
days in a row - a third of the world does
this anyway already. Imagine it - EVERY
weekend would be a long weekend! The
new work day will come right after Tuesday, and so all you'll have is two Wednesdays. There's no way to make Sunday not
suck, but we can certainly introduce another day between Saturday and Sunday!
This is what the 9-day week would look
like under the new system:
Monday, Tuesday, Lindenday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Niksday,
Sunday
So here we go. If we get enough people
behind this, we can introduce this change
worldwide. If you're behind this idea, graffiti "I want to get to go out on Niksday
nights!" on campus buildings. Once we get
UBC converted, the rest will be easy.
FILLER
■Paul Lu
HALLOWEEN
PARTY! r
Join the Dawson Club for a rockin' night
of music, games and (most importantly)
BZZR.
Prizes will be awarded for the best cos-f
tume.
Friday Oct 27, 4-8pm in the Geology
Undergrad Lounge (EOSM 30). Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20th October 2006
Death To Them All
Jennifer Fong
Y
We/come to the labyrinth
ou   wake   up   one   morning.   The
phone is ringing.
You pick it up and before the mandatory
niceties are over you realize they're after
you.
I remember when that wasn't the case. I
remember when it was my parents they so
hungrily wanted attention from. I remember being the one to help dodge their calls.
In fact those memories aren't all that distant. It seems every couple of days or so, a
bank, a store, a telemarketer will try their
luck with the words. "May I speak with
Mr. or Mrs. Fong?" It would be my job as a
dutiful daughter to reply.
Sorry they're not available. Sorry they're
busy.
Sorry we don't want to be bothered.
Of course those were more polite forms of
responses. When I was busy, or just wanted to cut to the chase, a quick 'we're not
interesting thank you.' *click* always does
the job. Anything to keep these people off
our backs.
I remember the very first lesson in avoidance techniques. I answered the phone like
my mother had taught me and told the
nice man to wait while I got her for him. As
I listened to the conversation, sitting next
to my mom, I realized that she didn't
sound too pleased. When she hung up she
told me, short and sweet, "next time, don't
bother with these people."
At first I felt sad. After all, those people on
the other end of the line were just trying to
make a living. I used to envision lonely,
old, balding men working for these com-
Friday the 13th
Howard Choy
Cougar Bait
I remember the last time it was Friday
the 13th. I was walking down the street
towards the bus stop when an elderly
lady was trying to cross in front of me. The
cars wouldn't stop for her so I went and
helped her across. By the time we got to the
other side, the old lady looked up with her
sad wrinkly face and said to me, "Thanks,
if you come by my place later, I can properly repay you... these teeth come off you
know."
I was so disgusted by the offer that I
jumped back a step and a car that thought
I was about to fall onto the road swerved
out of the way onto oncoming traffic. The
car that swerved hit an SUV at such an
angle that the SUV actually flipped onto
the other sidewalk. All this seemed to happen in slow motion, and when I finally
remembered the horny old lady, she had
vanished. The driver of the car that hit the
SUV got out and checked to see if the other
driver was alive, and luckily, he was.
Unluckily, he had a trunk full of cocaine.
The driver and I pulled the large bald man
out of the SUV and onto the opposite sidewalk and when he finally realized what
had happened, he started freaking out
about the cops and the cocaine. He got up
and ran away. The other driver and I waited for a cleanup crew to arrive, which was
awkward because he was really quite mad
at me. He asked me, "What the hell were
you thinking jumping out on the street like
that?"
I didn't think it was appropriate to tell
him the truth so I said, "The old lady I was
with ... she... I... I tripped on her cane."
"What old lady? All I saw was you jumping like an idiot onto the road and Instead
of hitting you, I totalled my car!"
At this point, I was sufficiently creeped
out. The old lady was no more than two
feet away from me when I hopped back, so
there was no way this driver could have
missed her. I came to the conclusion that
the street corner was haunted by a horny
old lady with fake teeth. We waited for the
clean up crew to arrive and I told them
about my story with the old lady (the
revised version) and the driver told them
his story. After having heard both sides of
the story, the cop took me aside and said
the most peculiar thing, "You should have
followed her to her place, she's amazing."
panies where their only contact with others
were those many phone calls they placed
every day. But as I soon realized, they
always called back, like a desperate paramour, and I stopped being so naive. This
might've had something to do with noticing how creepy those visions were.
They always called back. It may be a day
later. It may be a month later. But they
always called back with those same words.
But this morning, it seemed their tune has
changed. It appears they have learned a
lesson or two. Or they may have just realized that their attention has been misplaced and that a new tactic was in order.
Because, as of late, they have been calling
for me.
I'm not too sure who tipped them off.
Who was it that told them my precious
time was ripe for the picking? More importantly, who told them I was old enough to
carry a Mastercard? What computer sys
tem clued them in, because surely it can be
told that I have not been fraternizing with
the enemy. Hey, I was there when they
taught us not to befriend lonely, old, balding and potentially pedophiliac men.
It's perhaps a mystery that may never be
solved. I suppose at some point in time
there will be transition in every North
American person's life in which they will
suddenly come under the scrutiny of marketers. Their once silent phones will begin
ringing constantly, not to bring the familiar
voice of a friend but to lure them into credit card traps, or worse, donations to charitable causes.
And it seems that time for me is now. My
days in my unbothered cocoon are numbered. I am now falling into the net of
product marketers who want my ear, want
my time, and more importantly, want my
money.
There is no escaping.
Boy Meets
Oven
#/■
Jon Lam
A.       Tastes like roast beef
I
like cooking. It's a lot like chemistry,
which I also like.
Last year I finally moved out of junior rez
and into Marine Drive Residences, giving
me ample opportunity to develop my
cooking skills. Over the last 9 months or so,
I've learned to specialize and perfect my
Chinese cooking skills, which is not surprising since the majority of my life has
been spent specializing in eating Chinese
food. Every once in a while though, I like
to try something new (another thing that I
like to do). Actually, now that I think about
it, I also cook a lot of Italian food, although
Italian food is a lot like Chinese food,
except it has more dairy in it. Chinese people don't use a lot of dairy in their cooking.
You know what else?
Chinese people don't bake things.
Why? Because baking is crazy. So the
other day, I saw this recipe on the side of
the soup can and felt like trying something
new. I had most of the ingredients so I figured I'd give it a shot. The recipe called for
sticking food in a baking dish and putting
it in the oven, preheated at 425°F. Now this
is why baking is crazy. Normally when
you cook, you have a pan or a pot or something with a handle to keep the heat away
from you, and even then the temperature is
only around 250°F tops; but for baking?
For baking, you build a metal box and heat
it to some ungodly temperature over twice
the boiling point of water and in order to
use it, you have stick your hands into the
maw of this gaping inferno and push your
food as far in as you can. Who on Earth
thought that this would be a safe and efficient way of cooking food?
This rant was brought on by an incident
involving the oven and my fucking arm.
They really ought to make full-arm-length
oven mits. Oh well, at least my dinner
turned out delicious, despite the bitter, bitter taste of searing pain.
(Next time, try flavouring with some salty
lust and some sweet revenge to mellow the
taste out. -ed)
Bzzr Gardens. com
Bzzr gardens, frat parties, fundraisers,
and more! Do you want your event
advertised FREE? Send an email to
events@bzzrgardens.com today! 20th October 2006
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
College Students
Are Having Sex,
Consuming Alcohol:
In That Order
Nik Pinski
Taking advantage of the trend
Anew study from the California
Institute of Holy Shit How Do I Get
A Job There suggests that at more
and more college campuses around the
continent, students are having sex and then
consuming alcohol, flipping upside down
a tried tested and true tradition. With
promiscuity not only socially accepted but
strongly promoted through peer pressure,
young impressionable women are finding
themselves jumping into bed faster and
easier than before. Meanwhile, young men
feel a tremendous pressure to "go hoggin."
Alcohol is no longer the biggest contributing factor to the sexual decisions made by
young people in the 21st century. Dr.
Nicholas Shuttleworth exclaimed, "We
haven't seen this many engineers getting to
second base since Engineering was last
cool - during the space race in the 1960s.
The figures are at 15% and rising! More
and more young ladies are going to bed
sober, while being less and less discriminating."
Equalitist ("It's a word!") Maria Beaufort-
Mortinson says this is a scary 21st century
Louis Lee
Guess who this really is
This is a general call out to every one
who reads this parody newspaper: I
really can't see why more people
don't write for The 432. Okay, I'll admit,
I'm usually prone to using it more as a
napkin as opposed to actual reading material. (Side note: The absorbancy of the
paper is astonishing!! Like Bounty... but
physically enhanced by the power of
steroids! A lot like Pop-eye). We try very
hard to provide material for you to enjoy
on a bi-weekly basis. (Or tri-weekly, or
whenever the booze money runs out and we
need to pilfer more, -ed) That's not easy. I'm
sure you've noticed that in how large our
ads are! The fact that the intermittent
comic is called "Filler." The overwhelming
size of the font when we plead "Write for
us!" (The sheer amount of copy editing done to
this article, while still leaving such grammr
abominations as the above, -ed) There are ads
in which we threaten to fry puppies if you
don't submit something to us. I just want
you to know we did. Those puppies are
dead. Dead and they were delicious. And I
blame that on you... The NON-SUBMITTER! The puppy hater... And if you're
frosh and this is the first time you've ever
picked up an issue of The 432 then you
should be aware future puppies are at
stake. What? Evil cyborg puppies bent on
killing key political figures to distort history? -
ed) Ones that you may know and love. (You
trend. "These womyn are goaded into
jumping into the sack by their low self-
esteem girlfriends, and then they don't
even have the booze as an excuse the next
morning! It's a travesty!"
Instead, the alcohol consumption enters
the picture the following morning. The
consenting female awakens, spots the Millenium Falcon model hanging from the
ceiling, completes an especially shameful
Walk-Of-Shame, reaches her sorority
house, and locates a bottle of Tequila.
Without saying a word to her friends or
roommates, she sips solitarily, and dies a
little inside while recapping what she put
herself through the night before.
UBC Sigma Chi president Ben Drummell
commented, "Yeah, it's great!"
The morning-after alcoholic consumption
is impacting class performance of students
(grades are down 8%), and creating alcoholism problems (AA enrollment is up
200%).
Dr. Shuttleworth finished by saying,
"Drinking to dull shame is far more dangerous than drinking to lower inhibitions.
Now... how 'bout some scotch, sexy 432
interviewer?"
Some of the numbers in this story may
have been fabricated.
H0U DO YOU LlKt" M.Y UtimWE,
M'STEg bond? When / throw this
LEVER, YOU UllLL FEEL CE*TRlFl/GAL
FORCE CRUSH &EFtV 50NE  IN
Y*0UR.   BODY.
rTW MEArf CENTRIPETAL FORCE.
THERE'S NO 50CH TrlttiC ft$
CENTRIFUGAL F0KCZ-
MMJGHABLE CLrWrA, MISTER BONO PtRPETUfr-fcD
SVOVER^EAIOVS TETHERS   OF SOENCe-
S1N1PLY CONSTRUCT NEWTOU'5 LAWS IN A R0TATWG
SYSTEM AND YOU WILL SEE- A CENrfclFUCAl FORCE
TERM  APPEAR AS PUWW t$ DAY".
J
PJTL
sS \H Mr* HEAD wnn
J>^ TO a centrifuge:
Corfe now, uo yoo really expect
ME 10 00 COOKDitiATE 5U8$fflVTtC>N
stkapfcp
nq Mister bond,
expect you to die-
\
Randall Munroe
xkcd.com
The Call Out
love evil cyborg puppies? Bastard! -ed) Anything that you feel affection for we can
deep fry like so many mars bars making a
sad attempt at being a dessert. Have you
ever tried those? Deep-fried Mars-Bars? It
seems excessive to me...
Anyways. Puppies, bunnies, babies.
DEAD! All fair game to be submerged and
cooked in hot oil for human consumption
(how inhuman! Oh, maybe he means for con -
suming humans, -ed) if you don't submit
something! By which I mean... ANYTHING! Minus the pornographic material,
I'm sorry, but The 432 is not allowed to
advertise your unique "talents" on our
newspaper. (Actually, we have before, and we
probably will again. Full colour, front page, no
less, -ed)
Try and think of the children. Er... Aside
from the ones I threatened to deep fry earlier.
Do you not submit because you find our
parodies un-funny and you feel embarrassed for us? Is it not up to your "Jon
Stewart/Stephen Colbert/Terry Prachert"
standard? Well if you don't like what
you're reading, then you should do something about it other than complain about
this newspaper's quality of humour.
I'm not judging you. Yes I am.
Stop making fun of us and start making
fun of stuff for us! We're not fancy here,
mostly tired... and sometimes hungry...
Usually just hor... never mind. Comics,
jokes, parodies, rants, we know you can
provide! We believe in you more than God!
(Not hard for most of us. -ed) This is a two-
way relationship! You read! You enjoy!
You decide you want to submit something
to us that you think other people who, like
you, read this paper and would also enjoy!
Don't be self-conscious about your writing ability and lack of creativity. If you are,
then clearly you don't know how desperate we are. (ladies, he's very lonely. Cut him
some slack, -ed) And by "we" I don't mean
JUST The 432. The World! It's desperate
too! Creatively speaking... And probably
possibly in a lot of other ways. HONESTLY! "M**** F***** SNAKES ON A PLANE!?
I think we can all do better. So really the
question stands.... "Where's my M*****
p***** artides B*****!"
Sorry.... sorry... that was misplaced rage...
I have a lot of un-love for this world. I'm
sure you must have a lot of un-love for this
world. And if you don't, well then I have a
lot of un-love for you. I mean you're pursuing higher education at a university
when there is a high demand for trades
work. You've changed your major three
times not knowing what you want to do
with your life. Tuition fees have increased
dramatically from when your elders
attended university. And the bus driver
passes you because he hates your kind.
Students!
Let The 432 be your outlet! This will be
your revenge. Think of it like "Revenge of
the Nerds"(1984). Can you remember back
to that? I mean it's a new game now that
we're not in the 80's, but in a fresh new
millennia and yet still being nostalgic over
the 80's (I don't understand either). Actual
ly it's a much more different game than
what I was expecting. Where are my nerds
getting revenge?! Did revenge go out of
fashion somewhere between the 90's and
the change of the millennia? Or did the
nerds just get all revenged out? Suddenly
everyone started worshipping Napoleon
Dynamite and playing World of Warcraft.
Emo is making people happy? And really
the only thing I can think of that's close to
your underdog heroes in RotN are whiny
asian boys complaining about their women
being stolen. That's not an invitation to
write articles regarding matters of race. (I
swear to god, if we get one more article involv -
ing "eggs" or "bananas" I'm going to start poi -
soning rez food, -ed) So I guess this analogy
no longer makes any sense, but I'll leave it
in anyways to fill space, so let's try this
again...
WE NEED YOU!!!!!! It's just like in Star
Wars when Leia holographically requests
the help of Obi Wan and Luke Skywalker.
Except instead of Leia.. well it's us... and
instead of Luke Skywalker, (potential
moisture farmer/jedi knight to be)... well
it's you... but it's like they say... Pen is
mightier than the light sabre... ooh... okay,
bad joke. And with us... The hot space
chick doesn't turn out to be your long lost
sister! BONUS! So please consider submitting your best to us. C'mon...
Hot space chicks...Hot space chicks may
or may not be provided on submitting articles for the 432..
Submit an article or not. At this point... "I
don't care, I care, I really don't care"
Next 432 deadline: Friday Nov 17th, 4:32 pm Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20th October 2006
Horoscopes    Driving on the
Dan Anderson
Moral scorpion
Aries
Your nomination ceremony will be interrupted violently, due to repeated outbursts
from the crowd. Sadly, you are destined to
serve your entire term as Chairperson for
the Society of Incontinent Seniors.
Taurus
Be careful this week; leaping out of the
frying pan and into the fire will only make
the cannibals angrier.
Gemini
Getting up on the wrong side of the bed
each day this week wouldn't be so bad if
only you hadn't recently acquired a bed of
nails.
Cancer
The public will heave a collective sigh of
relief when you are caught red-handed,
leaving people free to live without fear of
the Kits Ass Slapper.
Leo
You'll be heralded as a pop innovator this
week at the balloon factory.
Virgo
Your feelings of inadequacy, despair,
helplessness, and depression will briefly
be lifted by a merry clown whose whimsi
cal antics will propel you to new heights
before you plummet back down, another
tragic victim of his human cannon.
Libra
Your discovery that you have the power
to turn water into wine will have profound
consequences for the ecology of the pacific
ocean.
Scorpio
Visions of cheese, bacon, and scrambled
eggs will haunt you night after night until
you resume taking anti-schizophrenia
medication, or until you stop living above
the deli.
Sagittarius
It will feel like high school all over again
when you go to get your G.E.D.
Capricorn
Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, and
rock beats the hell out of whatever crap it
is you keep spewing out into the neighbourhood at 4am. Or at least that's what
your neighbours will politely tell you via
broken windowpanes.
Aquarius
It'd be easier to keep your head this week
if you weren't next in line for the guillotine.
Pisces
Your steadfast adhesion to "chew before
you swallow" will have your partner refusing to engage in oral sex with you ever
again.
Chem Grad Student
Blames Fart on Chia Pet
Nik Pinski
A gaseous planet
Iim Schmidt, a UBC Chemistry masters
student was playing "Operation"
(Simpsons Edition) with his wife Linda,
1 their daughter Carrie last Friday night
in UBC family housing at Acadia Place.
After a particularly harrowing removal of
a "Wretched Ankle", Mr. Schmidt let out
the kind of silent but deadly scorcher that
would make paint peel off a wall, grow
hair on a moon rock, and make Baby Jesus,
Baby Buddha, AND Baby Lucifer cry.
When the smell hit his daughter, she
yelped, "Ewww daddy what is that?".
Thinking quickly, the man spotted a
growing Chia Pet that he bought two
weeks prior for the 7-year old's birthday,
and blurted out, "Oh honey, your chia pet
must be maturing. It has gas!". Carrie excitedly ran up to the chia pet to give it more
water, but Linda was less enthused. After
glaring at her husband for 30 seconds, she
finally said softly: "And that is why I cheated on you with the pizza boy."
Neighbors reported yelling, crashing, and
banging coming from the Schmidt town-
house for the next 30 minutes, followed by
Linda and Carrie leaving the house rapidly towards a waiting Domino's delivery
van. The loud sound of a car backfiring
was reported coming from the same town-
house six minutes later.
Wrong Side
Varun Ramraj
A triumphant return!
It amazes me to see a substantial
increase in the number of vehicles driven on the wrong side of the road. No,
this is not about street racing on the pavements of Richmond or Surrey. Au con-
traire, I speak of the number of import
right-hand drive vehicles on our roads
today.
JDMRHD is the new hot-ticket concept
this year. It stands for Japanese Domestic
Market Right Hand Drive (an acronym I
cleverly put together from JDM and RHD).
When one sees such a JDMRHD drive by,
one's first reaction goes something like:
"what a showoff!" A deeper insight into
why people take the trouble of importing
these vehicles is in order.
Let's do it countdown style just for kicks:
5) Exotic = the James Bond feeling one gets
when one is able to shift with one's left
hand. It feels correct to me anyway, and all
my import brown brothers will agree.
4) Convenient = if you get out of your car
on the driver's side, you will automatically
be on the pavement.
3) Mysterious = pull up outside a nightclub and people will assume you are very
powerful for being such a rebel.
2) Faster Cars = JDM vehicles are generally more powerful...which directly ties in
with point #1.
1) The Nissan Skyline = every racer and
racer-wannabe has to have one, or at least
touch one. Since the first good Skyline is
now fifteen years old, it is legal for import
(so say the rather strict Canadian laws). I
see so many of these that it almost makes
me choke. If I were given a choice of
obtaining an RHD vehicle, it would be...
well now, I need to keep some air of mystery!
Our roads, complete with new Skylines
(hardcore fanatics will want me to say Skyline R32's) and greater traffic, pose a paradox. Imagine this: you have just put down
$10000 for a Skyline (that's how much they
are, whether they have clocked 1 km or
200000 km) and you eagerly drive it out
onto the road. Within two minutes, you
will get stuck. I guarantee. Traffic has
never been worse, and I'm not so sure that
driving on the right side makes any difference to the exhilaration of idling a few
more inches to the right of the driver in the
car next to you. If anything, that driver will
have a slightly harder time looking
through the layers of glass to see the confused, angry expression on the face of the
slightly more exotic driver. Seeing as the
LDH domestic vehicle's owner has exactly
the same expression on his or her face, one
wonders exactly how much that $10000
netted the new Skyline owner...
In my case, I will justify it simply. I get to
drive on the right side and have Indian-
style traffic and drivers all around me. Just
one step closer to home!
ISSA Cinnamon Bun
Fundraiser
Wednesday October 25th
flsSA is selling the best cinnamon buns i.,
Vancouver (from GROUNDS FOR COF-
:EE) as a fundraiser @ both SUB and
lODWARDS, 9-2, Wed OCt 25th.  It's $3
for 1 and $5.50 for 2. Free coffee/tea with
any purchase.
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.pbfcomics.com/)
"David, that's way too much."
"The tooth fairy gave me 20 BUCKS!"
We're gonna be RICH!!! 20th October 2006
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
SUS HAS THINGS TO SAY!!!
The Hot Chocolate Fundraiser held last
week by the First Year Committee as part
of Jeans for Genes day was successful
(although we were foiled by the beautiful
weather) and it looks like they'll be holding a Halloween event in the next few
weeks. Keep an eye out!
Now, back to those midterms...
Sean Kearney
Vice President External
Nothing too crazy here on the AMS and
Science Week front... a couple of things
though:
1) Science Week committee sign up is
going to be next week in council! DO it!
We need volunteers for everything from
bar tending to setting up sound systems
to arranging gifts for keynote speakers to
postering and telling people how freakin'
awesome Science Week is gonna be!
2) If you have any ideas with what you
want to see in Science Week '07 hit me up
with an email at seankearney@shaw.ca.
Cheers!
Reka Pataky
Vice President Internal
Elections are done and the Council
retreat is over, so I think it's time for
me   to   do   some   schoolwork   (oh
right, school).
Matthew Naylor
Executive Secretary
The SUS Whistler retreat is over. I
would like to congratulate Reka, our
amazing VP Internal, on coordinating such a fantastic and productive weekend. I, for example, was able to inform
council about the glories of Robert's Rules
and the Science Constitution, Bylaws and
Code of Procedure, in a gripping hour and
a half long presentation entitled "Robert's
Rules and the Science Constitution, Bylaws
and Code of Procedure". I was the highlight of the weekend, according to my sample (of me).
In other more productive and exciting
matters, the committees will be appointed
this weekend, so if you are at all interested
in sitting on Code and Policy committee
(or one of the others, I suppose), the meeting will be held in council chambers in the
SUB this Thursday at 12:45. Some important changes to committee structure are
coming up during that meeting as well, so
it will be an interesting one to attend.
Finally, I have identified the three major
first term goals for the Code and Policy
Committee. They are
1. The reformatting of code to account for
the Ladha Centre.
2. The development of a SUS-trainability
policy.
3. The beginnings of a Science Undergraduate Society Tome.
I encourage everyone who has an interest
in the workings of SUS to come out and
join Code and Policy committee this week
during Council.
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Student Senator
Hello my faithful reader! (Man do I
LOVE referring to myself in the
second person!!)
Senate meets THIS Wednesday, so I don't
have much to report right now. There are a
couple of things however:
1) Thanks to the tireless work of a Ms.
Gina Eom, library hours will be extended
during the final exam period as they have
been for the last two years. The exact
libraries, dates, and times will be available... soon.
2) Some student Senators have expressed
concern over the potential addition of the
Principle of the soon to be created "College
of Interdisciplinary Studies" to Senate. The
ratio of student to grown up senators is the
issue here. I don't really know what to
think of it. Senate is pretty big already...
But then again, the current ratio is somewhat of a (as I like to call it) "sacred balance". There is an article in the Ubyssey
about this (if you're so inclined).
3) Senate is intent on forming a 78 person
Storm the Wall team. UBC Rec has decided
that the team will be permitted to participate, but the wall must be heightened
accordingly. A 5 person team must scale a
12 foot wall. Thus the 78 person Senate
team will have to scale a (78 * 12 / 5) = 187.2
foot wall. Professor Toupe is pretty tall, so
that should help. But honestly I think it's
going to be pretty hard. Tunneling options
are being explored.
Yours,
Cameron Funnell
Alex Lougheed
Social Coordinator
No longer interim, no longer elect, I
am no the de jure SoCo of the SUS.
Enough about me though, last
week we held our first Jagerfest event of
the year! If you weren't there, you definitely missed out. We had a full house, an awesome BBQ and everyone had a good time.
I'm sure you'll make up for it by dropping
by our next garden which will be in my
next exec report. Social committee appointments are coming up soon, and as it stands
there are two members-at-large positions
able to sit on it. I will be assigning portfolios to members of the committee this year,
so if you would like to be the Bar Manager,
Volunteer Coordinator (both good HR
experience) or the Promotions Coordinator
(marketing experience), drop me an email
at aloughee@interchange.ubc.ca.
Seacrest, out.
Jamil Rhajiak ■— — — — — — —■
Director of Sports
Gladiator I valid for the I
...will be I printing of one |
INSANE I article, free of |
I        charge!        I
I I
...REG by Oct 27th...Science teams playing
under the "divisional" structure get 50%
back! Spots are limited, so hurry!
Colleen Atherton
Dir. of Publications
I know you are all keeners who are reading this, so I would like to take the
opportunity to let you know there are
ways you can get involved with SUS! In
particular, you can get involved with the
committee that I chair, which is the Publications Committee. I am in need of an
archivist. This is someone who would col
lect a copy of our publications and take
them to the ams archivist and someone to
organize the archives we have currently
sitting in SUS. I will also be appointing
someone who is appointed to the committee to the band spanky new position of
UBCNowPublic rep. You must see me for
details at colleenath@gmail.com or during
my office hours in SUS!
*hugs*
Colleen
Michael Duncan
El President
Hello hello. I want start by wishing
everyone a happy midterm season.
Good luck to you all (unless you
are cocky enough that you don't want
some good luck).
I am sure you are all wondering what the
hell is going on with the Ladha Science
Student Centre. I wish I could give you
more details. We at the Science Undergraduate Society are just as annoyed as
you are. We haven't been kept informed
with anything despite our efforts to com
municate with the University. I promise
that as soon as I find out anything, I will
proclaim it to the world. I will probably
even paint myself blue for the occasion.
In other news, the newly elected SUS
council is getting started and I am very
excited to be working with them all. If you
want to know who represents you nowadays, please drop by the old SUS office or
check out the website (www.sus.ubc.ca).
And as always, if there is anything bothering you about the faculty of Science or
UBC in general, let me know and I will
make your opinions known to the right
people. Good bye for now.
Diana Diao
Public Relations Officer
Hey guys! I hope midterm season
went without too much damage, I
know I was really stressed out. In
any case, what you need is a nice relaxing
atmosphere to socialize and get that stress
out of your system, and plan some fun
activities and events for your fellow sci
ence students (some events may involve
public embarrassment of your professors).
If you wanna know what the PR committee
will be plotting, then come to the first
meeting (where lots of scheming will take
place, and there may even be free food).
The place and time is to be decided sometime this week, so e-mail me if you are
interested (with your availability):
pro.sus@gmail.com That's it for now, and I
hope to see you there!!
SCIENCE
iVl'l-DS A CHliHll!!
IF yOU CAN THINK OF SHORT. WITTr
SWINGS. OR IF XOU'RE JUST A SMART
ASS THEN WE WANT TO HEAR FROM yOU!
Email jrhajiak0intcrchanqu.ubc.ta with yuur untry
W*>f*SS!g
il&
The 432 presents this health tip: urinate after sex Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20th October 2006
SUS Council Fall Election
Results
Social Coordinator
Department
Coordinated Science
Geography
Alex Lougheed YES 310
Representatives
Program
Marlon Richmond
Alex Lougheed NO 16
James Yan YES 55
Phvsics and Astronomv
James Yan NO 9
Math/Stat
General Officer
Sophie Zhang 38
Simon Hastings
Nicola (Niki) Liang 209
Tamara Bercht 17
Integrated Science Program
Lawrence Chow 182
Sandy Ho YES 1
Psvchologv
Tahara Bhate 141
Biochemistrv
Sandy Ho NO 0
Bryan Tomlinson
George Ko 136
Bruce Lee 7
Lauren O'Keefe 123
Raymond Pan 1
General Science             Pharmacologv/Phvsiologv
Jennifer Tsoung 122
Emily Chen 15
Tony Wu
Aaron Sihota 117
Microbiologv
Geoff Costeloe Withdrew
Daniel Lee 89
Chris Wu YES 18
Jamie Kirtz Withdrew
Science One
First Year Representative
Chris Wu NO 4
Appointed in Council
Maria Jogova
1
Stephen Yoon 42
Biology
Polly Kwok 29
Rebecca Abernathy YES 53
Rebecca Abernathy NO 5
Computer Science
Varun Ramraj
Anita Yuk 29
Sonja Babovic 26
Aman Sehra 10
Chemistry
Earth and Ocean Sciences
.■■■
t 1
» . *■ ■
1
Clark Funnell YES 24
Clark Funnell NO 5
Aaron Sihota
^"r     1
Outside
Chemistry B-Wing
(Across from Biology)

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