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The 432 Nov 4, 1992

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Array ~~LTL£L T^&S&KJTATlOuJ Covizm^ Y Qf 0. S. WAtUkJe QjLO^ 6u«/s£>
7"he Newspaper For Science Students
Vol 6 No 5 $ 4 Nov'92
Clinton Licks Bush in
US Presidential Race
Washington (CUP) — By
an impressive margin,
Democratic Party candidate
Bill Clinton was swept into
the White House Tuesday.
Though the popular vote
was close, there was a wide
margin in the vote in the
Electoral College.
Republican candidate
George Bush, the incumbent,
conceded to Clinton after the
Democratic candidate
attained the 270 College seats
necessary for a victory. Major
television stations declared
Clinton the unofficial winner
shortly after his victory in the
key (albeit somewhat
mediocre to look at) battleground state of Ohio.
"The people have spoken,"
said Bush. "We respect that
there democratic system, doin'
whatever that thing is that
Democrats do."
Bush also, cryptically,
thanked his running mate
Danforth Quayle for "sticking
it out." He declined to identify "it."
Clinton's victory Tuesday
caps one of the most successfully-run campaigns in US
history. Less than a year ago,
Clinton's campaign was beleaguered by allegations of an
extramarital affair.
Clinton's accuser, Ms:.
Gennifer "Spot" Flowers, an
actress/model, has since
dropped out of the publ ic eye
and joined up with Ms. Fawn
Hall, Ms. Donna Rice, and
Ms. Jessica Hahn to prepare
for the 1996 Presidential
Election on the Snubbed-
Briefly-Famous-Tarts ticket.
Ms. Flowers had no printable comment on her alleged
ex-lover's attainment of the
Presidency.
Diminuitive Independent
candidate H. Ross Perot also
conceded defeat, his true contribution to the race seen as
helping to pave the way for
future independent candidates. Perot won approximately 19% of the popular vote,
yet failed to secure a single
Electoral College vote.
The teeny Texan called on
Clinton to "turn this country
around," and blamed his poor
showing on his choice of running mate, archaic Admiral
John Stockdale.
"See, see, this is just sad,"
said Perot, as he and his supporters watched Stockdale
walk into a wall, bounce off
and fall mumbling into the
hotel pool. "I thought  I had
a winner in an admiral for
Veep. What the hay-ell wars
was he an admiral in, anyhow? The Napoleonic Wars?"
At this point, it remains to
be seen how this shift of
power to the south will affect
US-Canada relations. Brian
Mulroney called the outcome
a "pleasant surprise," and
added that Clinton "has a
chin that I can really relate to
a lot better."
Johan Thornton, a contender in the Radical Beer
Faction leadership race, and
Erik Jensen, the spokesman
for the Faction, were bod) inebriated, incarcerated, and
awaiting arraignment at press
time, and were hence unavailable for comment.
Be there or be an n-
dimensional hyperaibe...
Roser Watts
External Vampire
Okay, kids, listen up. Now's
when I get to make up for the
last couple of issues when I had
zip-ola to tell you. Because this
time, there's all sorts of interesting things for me to crow
about.
First off, I'm very proud to
say that the Science Sports
Beer Garden of October 23 rd
was a complete and utter success, in terms of fun if not
money. It's amazing how much
beer one can sell at fifty cents
a cup. Suffice to say that a new
sales record was set — six kegs
in 98 minutes flat, shattering the
old mark. Our apologies to
those who got there fashionably late and consequently
missed it all, but we really can't
afford to sell too much of it
that cheap — we took a bath
as it is. However, it's bound to
happen again sooner or later,
so keep your eyes peeled.
But now, let's talk about the
future — or, more specifically,
about this coming Friday,
November 6th. You see, that is
the day of the most eagerly-
awaited social event of the
year... that's right, it's the Jon
Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith
Semi-Memorial Dance. It'll be
in the SUB Ballroom at
8:00pm, and will be attended
by Dinkleheimer himself, so
come on out and meet the liv
ing legend! Of course, there's
the added attraction of these
fine beverages, all for the low
low price of ONE DOLLAR:
- M®ls®n Dr®
- Sh®ftsb®ry Cr®®m Al®
- peach & apple c®d®rs
- hi®®b®lls & sh®®t®rs (a
buck an ounce)
We can't actually print the
names. It's against UBC policy.
Anyhoo, the dance promises
to be a real blast. But if you
want tickets (which, by the
way, are FREE), you'll have to
hurry! They've been going like
hotcakes, and there aren't
many left. You can get them at
SUS or from Science Council
members. Hope to see you
there!
And finally, here's a big
nyahh-nyahh-nyahh to all you
guys who didn't get involved in
SUS this year, because this
weekend will see the famous
annual AMS Student
Leadership Conference take
place up at the Whistler
Cabin. (And if you think it's
one of those stodgy old conferences where everyone just sits
around and yawns... well, I
won't spoil the suspense for
those who did come out and
get involved. Let's just say that
it's one of the perks of the
job.)
So come get a ticket for
Friday, and be a part of a truly
historic event. Later.
Heeefs Baaaaa-ack!
'Actually, I was just kidding, but hey, I'll take it..."
It's official. He's back.
This Thursday will see the return of
none other than Jon Campbell-
Dinkleheimer-Smith, former SUS
Director of Sports, to the hallowed
halls of UBC. SUS officials confirmed
the imminent arrival of the Society's
favorite son.
Jon's one-week stay will be highlighted by his presiding over the
dance bearing his name, as guest of
honor, on Friday November 6th, and
by his appearance at the AMS
Student Leadership Conference at
Whistler over the weekend. Further
details of Mr. Campbell-
Dinkleheimer-Smith's itinerary were
not released, but SUS External Vice-
President Roger Watts did speculate
that "one or two nights on one of
those benches outside the Pit might
It's only eight pages. Why the hell do
you need a table of contents?
©1992 Science Undergrad Society Publications
be a very distinct possibility."
From that was born the Jon
Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi-
Memorial Slush Fund, a private foundation that sucessfully raised the necessary $448 in twenty minutes flat,
mostly from friends, acquaintances
and, most notably, Jon's parents, who
"fell down laughing when they heard
about it," said SUS Room Manager
Erik 'The Fish" Jensen.
The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-
Smith Semi-Memorial Dance will be
held in the SUB Ballroom, and will
feature free admission, rock/pop music
by Shawn & Nick of CiTR, and a
variety of festive beverages (including
Shaftsbury Cream Ale) for one dollar
each. Tickets are available in the
SUS offices, and are apparently going
fast. 2
The Four Thirty-Two     Vol 6 No 5 $ 4 Nov '92
(define Canadian 'eh?)
1992/93 TEACHING AWARDS
IN THE FACULTY OP SCIENCE
Ryan
MCCUAIG
The US Marine Corps,
never the most culturally sensitive of organizations, managed to pull a real coup de
grace (or coop duh gracie if
you're from the States) during
Game Two of the World
Series, (asst ed: B? the way, did
you know that the Qeorgian
Legislative Charter definnes
coup de grace as 'to mow the
lawn'? No blarney...)
For those who've been in
hiding due to midterms, let
me summarize: In a show of
international brotherhood,
the RCMP Color Guard carried Old Glory during the
playing of the national
anthems, while a Marine in
full dress blues carried the
Maple Leaf.
Too bad the only botany
you tend to learn in boot
camp pertains to defoliation.
Otherwise, the Jarhead twit
might have realized that the
leafs supposed to be pointy
end up, stem down.
We were, in typically
Canadian fashion, enraged...
but not really.
Reflecting on it, I can't say
that's a bad reaction. I mean,
think about what would have
happened had the RCMP had
flown the American flag
upside-down. Parliament Hill
would have been giving a big,
warm "howdy" to a couple of
cruise missiles. And, of
course, we'd get to watch it
all on CNN.
"This is Peter Arnett,
reporting live from the House
of Commons in Ottawa. The
big news right now is that the
USS Nimitz seems to be having some trouble getting up
the St. Lawrence. However, it
is within Tomahawk missile
range, and we expect one to
come in the door any
moment now. Ah yes, here it
comes no—(followed by a
HUSE - Horrendous
Unspellable Sound Effect)"
This show of Canadian
spirit couldn't have come at a
worse time for the Yes-men in
the government. Think how
you'd feel: you've just spent
three months telling
Canadians that they have no
national identity, and that
even thinking about voting
"No" will prompt the breakup
of the country. Then, horror
of horrors, the entire country
rallies behind a baseball team
from (shudder) Toronto. Kind
of ironic, in a Stephen
Leacock-ish sense (ooo,
Canadian content!), considering that Toronto is the most
widely reviled city in Canada.
Then, the Americans give us
an inadvertent slap in the
national face, prompting a
show of (another shudder)
patriotism.
Well, such as it was, I
guess. Torontonians bought
an awful lot of American
flags, and were planning to fly
them upside down in retaliation. The rest of us chalked it
< up the same 'American' attitude that results in such questions as "How many states are
there in Canada, again?", and
"Do your igloos stay frozen in
the summer, or do you have
to make a new one every
autumn?" (I wish I was joking
about the latter question.
Edmonton's cold, but really...). I believe our beloved
and brilliant leader, whats-
his-chin, called the boo-boo
"grave".
Had enough yet, you
oppressive war-mongering
huns?
Anyway, since I'm feeling
so proud of my (non-
Americanness <=>
Canadianness) today, I'm
going to pull an Air Canada
and show our Quebec countrymen that there's no hard feelings. I'll summarize my article
in that most wondrous of languages, le francais quebecois.
Anyone wishing to have a
complete translation should
come by the SUS office.
So, here we go—
Oh, by the way, I spent a
fair bit of the summer speaking France's french, so I might
be a bit off on some of the
slang. Bear with me. Anyway,
without further ado:
Les US Marines ont fly eh
notre drapeau renvers eh pendant da World Series. Les
Marines sont des twits. Nous,
les Canadiens, devenaient
enrag ehs ... un bit. Si nous
avons flyeh   da drapeau
Americain renvers eh, notre
weekend sera ruineh  parce
que les Americains
envahisseront da Canada (et
da bataille sera televised sur
CNN). On meh prise da
Toronto. Notre premier min-
istre, qu'est-ce-que-c'est-son-
menton, est intelligent. Pas.
Well, I've done my part
towards keeping Quebec's language in its present pure state.
ViveleQueh bee!
(Note: just to save my own
skin, let me say that this is
not meant as an insult to
Canadian francophones. It is
intended to reflect reality. I'd
be happy to discuss it in
either language if you are
offended.)
Oh, yeah, and to avoid any
more mis-singings of our
national anthem (for shame,
Tom!), I'd like to reproduce
the Official Language-
Independent Version of O
Canada! I know, it's a pain
remembering the "we stand
on guard" bit when you're
hosed, like Tom Co— Wait,
my lawyers are saying something. Cut out that last bit?
Oh, okay. And if you've just
watched a game at the Forum
in Montreal, well, that'll screw
you up even more. A lot of
you hockey fans may already
know these, so come on &
sing along:
O Canada! (Official
Language-Independent
Version)
O Canada!
Mumble mumble mumble
mumble <hack! hack!>,
Dah dah dah dah dah dah.
Da-a-Ah-ah-ah Do-oo-Oo-oo,
Mumble mumble mumble
mumble murmur mumble.
Da mumble da da, O Canada,
Ahh-da-daaaa-duh-da-da-da
dAAAA! (dumdumdum...)
Hm, hm hm hmmmm
Hm-hm-hmm de deh.
O Canada, da-da-da Doo da
da Daaaaa!
O Canada, da-da-da Doo da
da Daaaaa!
Thanks/Merci.
To promote a greater appreciation for the Importance of and to
acknowledge outstanding contributions made in teaching, three
members of the Faculty of Science will be selected to receive awards of
$5,000 each.
Those eligible to be nominated for these awards are full-time faculty
members appointed on or before July 1,1992 in any of the Faculty's
Departments. The following criteria will be taken into consideration in
malting the selection:
1. Development of course material
2. Presentation
3. Innovative approaches to teaching methodology or curricula
4. Responsiveness to students' intellectual and personal needs
5. Ability to motivate students and stimulate critical thinking
6. Sustained teaching excellence
Nominations for these awards may be submitted by Science
Faculty, by Students and by Alumni. Each nomination must be
accompanied by a statement summarising the accomplishments of the
nominee. Supporting evidence may also Be submitted with the
statement.
Teaching performance will be assessed by a Committee appointed
by the Dean of Science. In arriving at their final selection, members of
the Committee may attend lectures, laboratory sessions and tutorials,
interview the candidates, their peers and students enrolled in their
courses, and examine course materials.
Nominations will be welcome as soon as possible, and no later than
February 1, 1993. Nominations should be submitted to:
Michael Gerry, Chairman
Committee on Teaching Awards
Dean's Office
Faculty of Science
HWSI)©H©ii?0
P&mS^&€©H®<§?
§€€> <A>^€h/
* Old Pfy*tob$y
Duck Soup
At the American Society of Xenophobes Recruiting Drive Vol 6 No 5 $ 4 Nov '92     The Four Thirty-Two
3
RABIES
Is UBC truly committed
to teaching?  Depending on
who you ask, there are two
different answers that you can.
get. Those answers are not
unlike the ones preached in
the recent Canadian
Constitutional Conundrum:
there are those who will
answer "yes", and those who
will answer "no".
People who say "yes"
have some valid points.  Last
year, after reviewing the way
teaching evaluations were
conducted, the UBC Senate
approved a report which
strengthened them. Sometime
in the next three years, the
Senate will revisit the issue to
see what has been the result.
Yea-sayers also point to the
Faculty Development
Program, whose goal it is to
provide faculty with programs
and resources so that they can
improve their teaching.
Having received new funding
from the President's Office,
they are now in the process of
establishing a centre for
faculty development.
Nevertheless, one cannot:
deny what the nay-sayers
point out. While new
research facilities are being
built, there is a shortage of
classrooms on campus.  What
classrooms do exist are in
poor condition, with burnt-
out lights, poor ventilation ...
the list goes on. In addition,
the faculty reward structure
provides little, if any,
incentive for professors to
teach well, since it is research
credentials which seem to
earn that much coveted
promotion or tenure. In light
of these problems, those who
answer "no" would find the
points of the yea-sayers to be
token.
So what can be done
about this issue of teaching
quality? That has been
something that I have been
looking into for the past year,
after the Senate Committee
on Teaching Evaluation that E
co-chaired was discharged.  Ii\
doing so, I have found that all
the problems which affect
teaching quality originate
from outside the course and
the instructor, in what I have
coined "the environment for
teaching".  All the points of
people who say "no" fit into
this category.  Consequently,
I developed a proposal that
invited the UBC Board of
Governors to join with the
Senate in doing some further
work.
The results of the last
committee I co-chaired were
very satisfactory, and I believe:
that good results can be
achieved again in studying
the environment for teaching.
However, I felt that the task
should not be carried out by
another committee of the
Senate alone.  The
environment for teaching has
both academic aspects (which
are the jurisdiction of the
Senate) and financial aspects
(which are the jurisdiction of
the UBC Board of
Governors), and these aspects
cannot be separated.
Therefore my proposal was to
create a joint committee of
the Board and Senate to
investigate the environment
for teaching at UBC.
However, the Senate did
not agree with me in all
aspects. When I presented the
proposal, a number of senators;
spoke against the aspect of
having a joint committee.  As
a result, the committee was
created, but amended so that
it would be a "Senate only"
committee.  As to the reasons
why, I can only guess.  Many
spoke of the virtues of having
a bicameral system of
governance, despite the fact
that the University Act
provides for joint committees.
It is possible to speculate that
a more sinister, hidden
motive may have been at
play: that a joint committee
would remove the ability of
the UBC administration to
filter the information going to
the Board of Governors.
Regardless of the motive, the
committee is much weaker,
and has the same task before
it.
So what is the true
answer to the question we
started off with? That
remains to be seen.  For those
who want the answer to be
"yes", a great struggle lies
ahead, since a number of
events will have to occur.
First, the newly created
committee will have to work
hard to produce good
recommendations, despite the
fact it has been weakened.
Second, the Senate will have
to approve those
recommendations.  Third,
those recommendations will
most likely have financial
implications, and thus the
Board of Governors will have
to approve those
recommendations as well.
And last, the administration
will have to implement those
recommendations faithfully.
Each and every one of these
conditions must occur.
Otherwise, the only answer to
our question will be a
profound "No".
Orvin Lau
Student Senator
Win a free T-shirt!
oiurt Design G design Contest l-sn...
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Entries must be:
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By November 16,1992
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Friday the 13th
Geo-Pit
(Geography's Bzzr Garden)
Featuring Jason!
Friday, October 30
3:30 — 6:30
Geography Lounge
New Science fleece shorts!
13-1/2 ounce Fleece
Ash, 50% cotton/50% polyester
2 Pockets & Elastic Waistband
Available only in the UBC Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemistry building, room 160.
THE   KAT   WITH    A   HEALTHY    PTCET    Mt>
A   fcEGHVAft   SLtmilC    SCHEDULE   LtAMK
WORE   autCKVX   m>   IS   MORE   iHtlLU&EUT.
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Ryan "D-Day" McCuaig
Editor and Chief Executive Pessimist
EDITORIAL
Contributing Writers leona Adams, Janice Boyle,
Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, Orvin lau, Patrick
Lum, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Rod
Reddekopp, Chris Sing, and with me as always is
Rog. Party on, Rog.
X
ART   and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig
Contributing Artists Michael Chow, Aaron Drake,
Amy Hillaby, My Roommate, Melanie Stapleton
(5'6", actually. Sorry, Melanie.), Roger Watts.
PRODUCTION
Desktop Production Claude and Wile E.
Printer College Printers, ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Rsh-ent Distribution, Ltd.
4 November 1992, Vol 6, No 5
The 412 is published biweekly by Ihe Science Undergraduate Society of
U9C, somewhere close to Main Mali and University Blvd. 4
rile Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 5 f 4 Nov '92
Portrait of the Aaron as a young tree-
planter (or, St. Aaron and the Tigger)
ram:
Angry
DUCK
Ah, midterms.
Or, in my case, the complete and very comfortable
lack of midterms. For the first
time in seven years, I am not
facing exams intended to
gauge not how much we
know, but how much we
don't know (I did well on
those ones, let me tell you).
It's funny though... my
body has become conditioned
to midterms, and even this
year its defense system has
instinctively kicked in
response to a perceived
threat. So, even though I'm
not writing a single mid-term
this year, I still get the associated anxiety attacks at midnight, the bouts of sleeplessness, the late-night trips to
Ben's where I will read something completely irrelevant,
and general distraction ad
extremis.
Mind you, it's not like I
wrote midterms then either.
Consequently you will
understand that I will not
give out any tips on how to
study for midterms. On the
other hand, I consider myself
an expert on how NOT to
study for midterms. Here are a
few recommendations:
i) Write a book. Worked
for me. In order to avoid an
impending Physics 311 exam,
I wrote the first 120 pages of
a book on Nuclear War,
intensely researched and pondered over (but only during
the times I had budgeted for
studying).
ii) Run about the halls of
Hennings stark naked. After
all, this is what university is
really about (and you thought
it was a degree — tsk.tsk).
There must be a few readers
out there that are sick and
tired of this story. By my
count, this is the fourth time
I've talked about it in The
432, and I expect I will tell it
again. I mean, I list this experience on my resume...
INTERVIEWER: It says
here, under Relevant
Experience, that you ran
about the Halls of Hennings
bare naked.
ME: I consider it a high
point of my academic career.
INTERVIEWER (reviewing
my transcript): I would say
that's a fair assessment.
iii) Solve Fermat's Last
Theorem. By my count I've
spent a hundred hours working on this great mathematical problem that has puzzled
mathematicians for centuries.
Further, I have successfully
solved it at least seven times,
using seven different methods.
At least, that's what I thought
each time. I have a very
unfortunate friend to whom I
present my findings, who
must show me that I have
proven:
a) nothing
b) Fermat's Last Theorem,
provided we assume beforehand that the laws of mathematics are incorrect
c) Brian Mulroney is a
turnip (but who needs math
for that?)
iv) Climb the walls. Quite
literally, that is. The Physics
Society, as I discovered in my
fourth year (version 1.0), are
traversible, and actually present a difficult challenge to
an experienced climber.
Hence, I spent many a late
night during my fourth year
(version 1.0) wasting time by
turning Physsoc into a climbing wall.
There were two direct
results of traversing the walls
of Physsoc in my fourth year
(version 1.0). The first result
was fourth year (version 2.0).
The second result was
Tigger.
Tigger was what we like to
refer to as a Permafrosh.
Tigger was nicknamed after
the annoying character in
Winnie-the-Pooh. Tigger was
the most irritating frosh you
will ever meet simply because:
a) he wouldn't shut up
b) he wouldn't shut up.
Tigger (who detested that
nickname) got it into his
head that what I was doing
was indeed a cool thing, and
decided that he would do it as
well. However, Tigger had no
experience climbing.
Consequently, this led to the
most satisfying conversation
of my entire life.
ME: Tigger! What the hell
are you doing! Get down from
there!
TIGGER: Don't call me
Tigger —
AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIII-
IEEEEEEE!!!!
(Fall. Crunch.)
ME: I didn't mean come
down that fast. Now look
what you've done. You got
blood all over the carpet.
TIGGER: (picking up
nose) I said doan gall be
Digger!
For my part, I slept in and
never bothered to write my
Astronomy 302 exam. For his
part, Tigger was courteously
shown the door by the Dean
for a year, but not before
Tigger followed me up North
to go tree planting.
I will never forget those
short weeks we spent tree-
planting with Tigger.
The mood was set well in
advance, when, on the road
out of Vancouver, at Rush
Hour, Tigger tried to demonstrate how he could easily
drive the car and read a novel
at the same time. We demonstrated what a bonehead he
was.
In the end, tree planting
was very good for me, and I
made a lot of money. Tigger,
on the other hand, developed
a crush on a girl in camp and
spent two weeks trying to
impress her, generally with his
lack of ability to plant trees.
I imagine that this is all a
painful part of Tigger's past,
and one that he would soon
forget and not have put forward for public scrutiny.
m
AMS
Reprogramming
Weekend
November 6-8, 1992
AMS Whistler Cabin
"Have your hidden agenda
installed by the pros. You'll
come back a new you!"
iing suckec
:xcc Office
sludont pontic
in should naive
Math? A Science? Yeah, right...
Little Sparrow
Retribution-Fearer
Have you ever wondered
why there are so many high
school teachers out there who
have a double major in Math
and English? Or Math and
French? What does v'=l/3 re
(r^h' + 2rr'h) have in common with "Voulez-vous
coucher avec ma chienne ce
soir?"
Easy.  It's as obvious as the
fact that the Engineers stole
the E's out of bzzr for their
cardigans. They're both completely foreign to about 95% of
the general population.  (Note:
since this is in italics, this can
be considered the entire point
of this article; there will be a
quiz at the end of the class).
How many of us (excluding
the aforementioned red-coated Volkswagen-vandalizing
maniacs) will ever pull out
our old Idiot Math 100 text
to calculate to thirteen decimals (just like good old Mr.
Spock) exactly how much
water is being lost per minute
'cause some damn idiot dove
into the wrong end of the
pool?
For that matter, how often
would any of us use that marvellously well-constructed
sentence above in casual conservation?  (Try saying it to
your chem lab instructor.
"Pardonnez-moi, monsieur,
mais...")
After all, since Quebec
seems hell-bent on closing its
borders to anyone who can't
trill their 'R's, the only real
reason any of us will have to
learn French will be so we
can read the other side of the
cereal box.  (Don't deny it.
At one time or another, all of
us have struggled to focus on
that tiny litde print while
attempting to get that spoonful of Cheerios anywhere
remotely close to our mouth.
It's either that or you start
pondering exactly what
diphosphoric monochloride
sodium triglutamic acid is
really doing to your large
intestine.)
French may also still be
conceivably useful for those
days, when you're at home,
sick as a dog, during that time
slot just between the game
shows and the soaps.  Nine
times out of ten, I end up
watching some French movie
about a woman in a tiny
bathing suit and the problems
she's having with her various
lovers.
Back to the devil's creation
— Mathematics. How many
people can honestly say that
being able to integrate complex equations ranks in their
top ten achievements in life?
Do you ever see it listed on
anyone's resume right after
"can use a cash register"? If it
does, then there are a lot of
people who spend far too
much time locked away with
their HP Super Calculator.
Maybe someone should form a
support group to help those
poor souls over their addiction.  We could call it
"People Like You Who Ought
to Occasionally Do
Something Useful 'Cause
Kalculators Stink," or
P.L.Y.W.O.O.D. S.U.C.K.S.,
for short.
Another item.  All Math
teachers were first trained in
the Faculty of Arts. How else
can you explain their incredible ability to say the most
obvious things in the longest
time possible?  (Just doin' a
bit o' Artsie bashing there...)
Personally, I'm not too interested in seeing exactly why
the derivative of sin x is cos
x. When I see that formula
in my text book, enclosed by
a box, I just accept it as the
Word of God and leave it as
that. Proof by divine right.    _
As in all Arts courses, you
never seem to learn anything
in the actual lecture.  Only
after hours of work (usually at
about one in the morning,
over your twentieth cup of
coffee) do you ever understand what's going on. People
tend to drift during lectures.
For instance, on the rare
occasion I manage to make
my 12:30 class, I use most of
the time to compose such elegant prose such as this. I see a
couple others reading Tbe 432
(plug.plug), but the majority
are leaving puddles of drool
on those tiny little desks...
The sooner Math is sent
back to the Faculty in which
it belongs, the better.
How animal cells move... Vol 6 No 5 X 4 Nov '92     The Four Thirty-Two
5
WIN PRIZES!!!
Science Week
Logo Contest
Theme
The Euolution
Of Science
Dik Miller Gets Fishy
The winning in go will tie come
the of ficiafiogo of Science Week.
Entries must be:
• R maximum of two colours
• Submitted to CHEM 160 by Notr 38, 1992
^"''..nr.Clute0*
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Available in Chem 160.
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Navy Blue & White Leather Split Sleeves
$150 plus cresting, taxes not included
(jacket not exactly as shown)
Deadline for Christmas orders: November 18,1992\
Order now at the UBC Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemistry building, room 160.
Derek K.
mum
"Miller!" cried a voice.
"Mrphl," I replied.
"Wake up, Miller!"
"Mgrlmrph."
I felt a distinct shove and
awoke as I toppled from my
desk chair to the floor. I
banged my head. It hurt.
"I think I'm awake now," I
proclaimed.
"Good," said my supervisor,
standing next to my desk.
"What are you doing sleeping
in your office at 10 o'clock on
a Thursday morning?"
I blinked as I stood up. "It's
Thursday?"
"Yes, it's Thursday. Why do
you ask?"
I pondered for a moment.
"Last thing I remember it was
Saturday evening." I looked at
her. "I can only conclude that
I've been in a sugar-induced
coma for the past five days
from gorging myself on candies Halloween night."
"That would explain your
beard and the drool dried on
your trenchcoat. How much
did you eat?" she asked.
I counted to myself. "I'd
figure...oh...about twenty
pounds."
My supervisor looked rather
like she was going to barf.
"I think I'm going to barf,"
she said.
"Why is that?"
"Twenty pounds of
Halloween candies at once?
I'm surprised you're not dead."
"You know, I think I might
have been," I said.
"What?"
"I distinctly remember a
kind of out-of-body experience. Seeing myself here in
this chair, but from above,
and then some sort of tunnel
with a wonderful light at the
end."
"That does sound an awful
lot like a near-death experience," she agreed.
"Of course," I postulated,
"it could be a strange combination of my memory of the
last time I drove through the
tunnel from Richmond and
seeing my reflection in my
ceiling mirror."
She looked up. "Why do
you have a mirror on the ceiling of your office?"
"I refuse to answer that
question on the grounds that
I may incriminate myself," I
replied.
"Look," she said, "I don't
mind if my employees are
having sex in their offices, as
long as they're discrete about
it and clean up after them-^
selves."
What an interesting idea, I
thought. Having sex in an
office. I had been sure she
would have guessed my actual
purpose — testing of my new
Dik Miller™super-duper
hand-held laser death
beam/dry cleaner/ice bucket
— before postulating something as ridiculous as sex in
the office. But I couldn't let
my secret out.
"Oh," I said. "Thanks."
I resolved to investigate her
suggestion further at the nearest opportunity — which, at
the current rate, would be
some years off.
"Anyway," she continued,
"that's not why I came to see
you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really. You see,
we've had a bit of a problem."
"What sort of problem?"
"Apparently, something
very fishy is going on underneath the Cheeze Factory."
Ah yes, the Cheeze
Factory. An old building, formerly used (not surprisingly)
for making cheese, which was
now the headquarters of my
primary targets as Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer:
the Engineering
Undergraduate Society.
"What is it? Illicit beer
making? Off-colour jokes?
Bawdy behaviour?" I asked.
"Of course not," my supervisor replied. "That's all perfectly normal. I mean something literally fishy. The EUS
has complained that the
entire Cheeze Factory has
smelled like fish for several
days."
"What kind of fish?" I wondered.
"How should I know?"
"Hmm," I said. "I'll check
it out."
A few minutes later, after a
quick shaye and some time to
wipe the encrusted drool from
my coat, I was walking
towards the Cheeze Factory. I
arrived at one of the doors
and banged on it.
It opened a few seconds
later. "What?" asked the
opener.
"I'm Dik Miller,
Engineering Pol—"
"—itical Correctness
Enforcer," he finished for me.
"Yeah, what?"
"I'm here to investigate the
fish smell."
"Oh, right. Come on in."
As soon as I walked in,
there it was. A distinct, lingering, pungent odour of several-days-old fish.
"Hmm...could be halibut," I
proposed.
"No, no," disagreed one of
the present engineers, "too
woody."
"How do you know that?" I
asked.
It's fairly rare to encounter
someone who can identify a
fish by its smell. I had only
acquired the ability after years
of work at private eye training
school. (You'd be surprised
what they teach you.)
"Bioresource Engineering
355: Physical Properties of
Plant and Animal Materials,"
the engineer replied. "Look it
up in the University
Calendar."
"Ah, but that's only introductory!" I declared. "You
were probably taught to deal
with ideal fish smells — you
know, like frictionless pulleys
and inclined planes — and
don't know that halibut smell
gets woodier and woodier as
the fish rots!"
"You're right," he said. "I
didn't know that. Now,
where's the smell coming
from?"
I brought out my Dik
Miller™croquet mallet/snake
snare/fish smell identifier and
switched it on. Along with
some nifty "beep byoop" noises (which served no purpose
other than to make it sound
cool), the display quickly
pointed me to the smell's
source.
"It's downstairs, in the
basement," I said.
"But there isn't any basement," someone revealed.
"Well, it's down there
somewhere." I paused for dramatic effect. "And I'm going
to go in and find out what it
is."
Oooh, scary stuff, eh? Watch
for the exciting continuation of
this story in the next thrilling
issue of The 432, everyone's
favourite waste-time-in-class-
when-you-should-be-taking-
notes-newspaper!
Dasrwin discovers the Arts student... 6
The Four Thirty-Two     Vol 6 No 5 $ 4 Nov '92
"Oh, No, Not again..."
Chapter 3 - How not to go grocery shopping
Rod Reddekopp
Columnist
In the last fun-filled episode,
our young hero was ring-around-
the-rosiedhy a group of pests
from the pit (Hell's Hamsters)
and realized that the dimension he
fell into is leaking into his. And
now, we continue.
Ok, so this universe was
leaking into the boy's home-
sweet-home. What was he
going to do about it? Contact
the local authorities? Conduct
a search for tears in the fabric
of the spacetime continuum?
Maybe he should run around
in circles, screaming like a
lunatic.  Or maybe he should
sit down and read something.
Yeah, he should sit down and
read something.
So the boy plopped his
little butt down on the
sidewalk and opened up his
knapsack. Since falling
through holes in the fabric of
the spacetime continuum was
a fairly common occurrence
for the boy, he was always
well-prepared. The first item
fie came across in his search
for some reading material was
a screwdriver. Now, don't get
the wrong impression here, the
boy was generally not a
violent individual. The
screwdriver was only for
purposes of self-defense.
Next, he found the Zap-O-
Kill-Em-Dead™ray gun he had
picked up in a technologically
advanced dimension.
Naturally, though, since he
was just a boy, they wouldn't
sell him a real one. This one
just made impressive noises
like "woop woop Woop
WOOP *BOOOOOOM*!!!!"
and "zzzzzzzzzzzzz POW!", as
long as the batteries were
working.
"Huh? What's this?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
How'd THAT get in there?!"
The boy was referring to a
copy of The Ubyssey that had
somehow found its way into
his backpack. He looked
around to make sure no one
was watching, and took a look.
Headings such as "Sex with
Your Pets made Interesting",
"Help, Help, We're Being
Bashed Again", "Everybody
Hates Me", "I Hate
Everybody", and "You're Being
Repressed and You Don't Even
Know It" filled the paper.
One article in particular
caught his eye.  It was a
contest to write a Halloween
story.  The winner got — oh
dream-come-true — his (or
her) story published in The
Ubyssey!  Oh wow!  A chance
to be published in The
Ubyssey \  The boy was excited
beyond description.
Not.
Thus having had a good
laugh, the boy felt refreshed
and ready to save the universe
as we know it.  But he was
hungry, and had to keep his
priorities in order. So food
first, universe later.  He
squelched a sudden urge to
shoot some pool. The
problem with his hunger was
that he had just spent his
entire allowance on Silly Putty
the day before he fell through
the wormhole.  Besides, he
had a feeling that his currency
wouldn't be accepted here
anyway.
Naturally, he decided to
hold up a grocery store.
"All RIGHT! Everybody,
kiss the GROUND!" he
shouted, waving his Zap-O-
Kill-Em-Dead™ray gun
menacingly. Everyone turned
and looked at the boy as if
celery stalks were growing out
of his head. He checked.
Nope.
"I mean it!  Drop or I'll zap
all of you!"  It was times like
this that the boy wished his
voice didn't crack all the time.
Everybody was just ignoring
him now, going about their
business.
The boy put the ray gun
back in his backpack, and
drew his screwdriver.
Canadian Tire Special.
Phillips. Red handle. Extra
long shaft for those hard-to-
reach places.
A nearby woman screamed
and dropped to the ground,
hands over her head, shaking
like a leaf. A wave of panic
swept quickly over the crowd.
Some ran, some cowered,
some stood frozen in place.
"All right, that's more
LIKE it!  I want a bag of
Doritos, a six- pack of Coke,
and some—"
THUNK!
That last bit was the sound
of a billy club connecting with
a pre-adolescent cranium.
Hmm, probably store
security, he thought.
Then everything went
black.
DON'T PANIC'
AMS WORD PROCESSvH
will do it for youl    "
• on campus
• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640
Mon-Thu: 9am -6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm
Do-it-yourself US Election-night Speech
Strove: A New Beginning
leona
ADAMS
So, I hope we were all
good boys and girls and made
an informed vote in the referendum. I could tell you what
I voted, but there are good
number of reasons why I
won't:
1)1 don't imagine that you
care,
2) it's none of your business,
3) no matter what I actually
voted, I'm going to get
mobbed by people saying
"How could you possibly
vote that way?  Don't you
care about CanadaV."
Subconsciously, I think we
all knew that it wasn't going
to pass because it ignored the
most important distinct society of them all. Of course, I'm
talking about Stroves, as the
more astute among you who
actually read the title may
have discerned. We have our
own style, our own culture, a
elaborate history and a language unique to Stroves. I
think that if this catches on
well enough, I'll try hitting up
the University for tenure.
Sirovedom 100 (6): An
Introduction to the Lifestyle.
Principles covered include indulgence as a method of dealing
with chocoholism, maximizing
your Strove potential and inventing expressions for every occasion. Prerequisite: a basic knowledge of the economic, social, and
philosophical impacts of Wayne's
World on Western culture.
Don't laugh: I can probably pass it off as an easy Arts
credit for desperate students
on the brink of graduation.
Mind you, Strovedom cannot be taught: you either have
it intrinsically or you don't.
Should be good for filling out
my bank account though.
Now would probably be as
good a time as any to recognize my personal choice for
Strove of the month: Stuart.
Stuart is an artsie, but he
actually likes my writing (go
figure). So, Stu, I salute you.
I know there are a few of
you out there who are familiar
with my not-so-cute style of
drifting peacefully through my
articles, and who are dying for
me to get to the point.
However, if you were really
familiar with the way I write,
you would realize that there
doesn't always have to be a
point. It's nice for the sake of
writing a conclusion and all
that jazz, but I can get by
without one. Out of the kindness of my heart (and don't
pretend you didn't know I
had one), for the benefit of
the structure-starved among
you, I will try to prove some
relevance.
One of the neat things
about being Strove is that we
are not prejudiced against
anyone, no matter how stove'
(s)he is.  Seriously though,
one of my pet peeves (which
you would have no problem
understanding if you had ever
met me) is
discrimination.Because I
intend to stay in a somewhat
pleasant mood, I'm going to
stick to the kind that I
encounter most frequently on
campus, that being age-based
discrimination. I mean, it's
bad enough when you have to
watch your money buy cheap
BEvERages for someone else
at the AMS Barbeque when
you aren't even allowed
inside, but when your own
undergrad society, the place
where you hang your hat, etc.
turns you away ... , well that's
really sad. I could come up
with all sorts of neat platitudes, about understanding
each other and working
together to reconcile our differences, but I'm not that
stove .  I do realize that the
"No Minors" rules are there
to attempt, however unsuccessfully, to prevent us
young'uns from screwing up
our little brains, but it's nice
to rant on occasion.
1 I've never been really good
at doing footnotes, but I'm
not really sure why.  Maybe
it's because I'm not really
good at holding onto my
train of thought.  For as
long as I can remember,
I've had the attention span
of a hyperactive kid who
just found the family supply
of Hallowe'en candy. I
don't think it's genetic,
because neither of my parents ... Oh yeah, stove
means stupid.  It's kind of
like Strove in the sense
that it's an all-purpose
word.
2 Read the last one. Vol 6 No 5 X 4 Nov '92     The Four Thirty-Two
7
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
On October 21, AMS
Council met to discuss what
approach it would take
towards fighting the 18%
tuition increase this year. The
Board of Governors had passed
a motion two years ago setting
the tuition increase at
Consumer Price Index (CPI)
plus 4-5% each year for three
years.
Last year's tuition freeze is
now prompting the University
to propose an 18% increase for
1993-94.
The topic was discussed ad
nauseam for two and a half
hours. There were several
points that all council members agreed upon, (ed: Wow,
really?)
1) An 18% tuition increase in
one year is unreasonable.
2) A continued freeze on
tuition levels is unrealistic.
3) The Provincial government
is responsible for putting us
in this position. If they had
not proceeded to impose a
freeze last year, the
University would not be trying to make up for it.
4) The majority of students
can afford a moderate
increase, but our main concern is for the small group of
students who cannot.
On October 28, a motion
was put forward which tried to
address all of these
concerns.The AMS' final position was
1) that it was unreasonable to
ask students to pay for more
of an increase than the CPI,
2) that the provincial government should be giving the
University the amount they
lost because of the tuition
freeze, and
3) that the Government
should also provide grants
to all students on financial
assistance in the amount of
the tuition increase.
As a note of interest, Yuri
Fulmer, the new ombudsperson, has been in office two
weeks, and at the last Council
meeting there was a notice of
a motion asking for his resignation. Next meeting should
be a long one...
Senate Shorts
Chris. Sing
Senate met on October 21,
1992. There was a very brisk
discussion on Dr. Resnick's
motion of conflict of interest,
and Orvin Lau's motion for
the formation of a Senate-
BoG Committee.
Dr. Resnick's motion failed
by a large margin, partly
because there is already a conflict of interest motion in
place, and also because the
vote was not held by secret
ballot.
Orvin's motion on a
Senate-BoG committee to
look into teaching environment passed, but only after it
was amended to being solely a
Senate committee by Dr. Will.
For more information on
ndane     dumpster
Orvin's motion, you can read
his letter in this paper.
People expressed concern
about the loss of funding for
the library's serials, possibly
resulting in up to 25% of the
library's present serial subscriptions not being renewed.
Dr. Cooke asked Dr.
Strangway to enlighten Senate
about the present talks occurring between the AMS and
the Administration. These
pertain to the
Administration's attempts to
end AMS involvement in
"University" affairs, such as
the running of the Aquatic
Centre. Dr. Strangway said he
would pleased to do so, and
acknowledged Carol Forsythe's
invitation to Martin Ertl to
express the AMS point of
view.
Fruit of the Hums
Patrick Loom
Welcome to the wonderful
world of SUS finances, where
money is found and lost in the
most interesting of places...
For those of you familiar
with the workings of the SUS,
our annual proceeds come
from a $10 "contribution"
from each and every Science
student. However, we don't
get our money until a) the
registrar's office determines
how many students there actually are in Science, b) this
number gets faxed to the AMS
office, and c) the paperwork
gets done. Suffice it to say,
this is a moderate to very slow
process, and SUS was lucky
enough to get its money last
week (only halfway through
the term...). It's much like
having a 200-foot-long garden
hose — you know the water is
coming, but when...?
Including the $5000 "deficit
authorization" that we had
used up, all three SUS
accounts (general, publications, and sports) have been
deeply in the hole deeply for
the last several weeks. Such
was life.
Now that that 'hardship'
has been rectified, I can get on
with what I promised to do all
along: to play accountant and
embezzle all the money!!
If you're wondering where
some of the money goes, well,
you're reading some of it. Add
upcoming socials (don't miss
the Jon Campbell-
Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi-
Memorial dance this Friday.
Jon will be there, thanks to
generous donations, but we
still don't know how he'll get
home...), and our 50% sport
rebates, and there's a big
chunk of it. By the way,
depending on my generosity
and that of the rest of council,
the sports rebate may be upped
to two-thirds in second term.
If you haven't dropped by
SUS yet this term, you probably haven't noticed our new,
improved photocopier, or our
pop machine. Photocopies are
5 cents, reductions and
enlargements are available,
and, let's just say that the
copier hasn't broke down yet.
Pop is 75 cents (no one else is
cheaper) and if we're lucky,
we just might pay off the
machine this year.  Until next
time...
McNighties
Carmen McKnight
So you want to know what's
happening in the basement of the
Chem building...
1) There's a line up for our photocopier and our computer.
2) There are not enough chairs in
the room for the number of
people.
To sum it up, SUS is packed
between 11:30 and 1:30 pm daily.
I'm glad to see so many people
involved this year. Academics
Council, Budget Committee,
Science Week Committee and
Social Committee are in full
swing with their newly-appointed
year and department representatives.  Academics Council is getting started on the Black and Blue
Review and on Teaching
Excellence awards. Nominations
for teaching excellence are now
being accepted for Term I courses.
Budget Committee has begun
the task of reviewing club budgets.
Council has appointed some new
ex-officio members, including the
Academics Council Coordinators
(Terence Fan and Anita Carlson),
and the Sales Special Orders
Coordinator (Eric Seewald).
Upcoming appointments include
Food Drive Coordinator, Sales
Book-keeper and Blood Drive
Coordinator. If you still want to
get involved there are lots of ways
to go about it.
The whereabouts of Jon
Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith
has been discovered. He has been
spotted in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-
Smith official search party, funded
by donation, rescued him from his
abductors on Thursday, November
5 and he will be present as a guest
of honour at the dance on Friday.
The Science dance will be a fine
event with cheap bzzr, boats, fun
and prizes. This weekend we are
sending a few delegates to the student leadership conference at
Whistler.
We need your help... Just
Desserts is coming up and SUS
wants to know of any Faculty or
Staff member who has provided
outstanding service to science students.  We have some ideas, but
we welcome any ideas from you.
THE SCIENCE UNDERGRADUATE SOCIETY
YEAR-TO-DATE STATEMENT
MAY 1, 1992 to OCT. 21, 1992
REVENUE:
Prior Fiscal Year Surplus
Student Fees
Pop Machine
Photocopier
Sundry
Loan Repayments
EXPENSES:
1) Prior fiscal year bills
2) Telephone
3) Office Supplies
4) Sundry
5) Pop machine/pop
6) Xerox photocopier
7) TV/VCR rental/purchase
8) Academics
9) office of Dean of Science
10) Academic Entertainment
11) Computer/Laser printer
12) Interdepartmental relations
13) Election expenses
14) club grants
15) Social (net)
16) Science Week (net)
17) AMS Loan Repayment
18) Loans to constituent clubs
19) Special projects
20) Sports
21) Publications (net)
22) Summer Guide
23) Grad Rebate Overpayment
TOTAL EXPENSES
NET SURPLUS
ACTUAL
1992-93
12831.31
0.00
251.00
599.50
0.00
0.00
BUDGET
1992-93
12831.31
45000.00
2600.00
2000.00
30.00
1000.00
13681
.81
ACTUAL
1991
-92
360
.69
297
.57
242
.41
53
.02
986
.36
1332
.01
74
.48
447
59
00
72
80
89
27
68
56
269
67
00
314
43
00
5000
00
00
00
1874
18
293
11
4121
96
386
00
16284
11
2602.
30)
63461
.31
BUDGET
1992
-93
0
.00
720
.00
888
88
216
00
3800
00
2654
32
500
00
654
32
500
01
500
01
23 4
32
750
00
432
10
4750
00
4324
32
3454
32
5000
00
0
00
100
00
10987
65
12343
21
3949
21
0.
00
56758.
67
6702.
64
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
Science Sales has been very
busy lately.   First of all, our
new Special Orders
Coordinator is Eric Seewald.
If you need some cool-looking
clothing for your club or team,
just ask for Eric or myself.
• BIG NEWS: Science
leather-melton jackets now
have a totally different look!
You've got to see it to
believe it!  Navy blue
melton, with navy and
white split-sleeves, all for
only $150 (plus cresting),
taxes not included.  Orders
must be placed by
November 18 to bring in
the jacket before Christmas.
• Brand new Science fleece
shorts!   Ash shorts, 13-1/2
ounce fleece, 2 pockets, elastic waistband, 50/50 cotton/poly, only $13.50 (taxes
included!)
• Wondering where you can
get one of those big 3-inch
cool-looking United Way
buttons? Pick one up from
us for only $2.00, all of
which goes to the United
Way.
• Is your team or club looking,
for clothing or uniforms?
Most orders require one
week. Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit of
the Loom standard-weight
T-shirts, with a full-front 2-
colour logo, and 2-digit IB-
inch numbers, all for only
$13.50 each (all taxes
included!)
• We sell the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. The books are
packed with half-price
coupons for restaurants, theatres, sports, attractions, and
much more. The
Entertainment book also
offers 50% off on many
hotels throughout the world
(in fact, the book pays for
itself if you take advantage
of this offer). All this for
only $42.80 (taxes included).
• We also sell the new Gold
C Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the coupons
to save on merchandise,
recreation, movie rentals,
and fast food.
•Our Annual Paper Sale is
still on! We sell 200 sheets
of looseleaf for only $0.75.
All proceeds will be donated
to charity.
• Look for our pre-Christmas
Sales Booths on the week of
November 16, 1992. Pick up
some great gifts at unbelievable prices.  Booths will be
set up in a Science building
near you.
• CONTEST: Solve the following puzzle to win: There
are only 2 exits. One door
leads to freedom, the other
one leads to a dead end.
Also, these doors can talk,
and one of the doors always
lies while the other always
tells the truth. You can
only open one of the doors,
and you can ask only one
question.  What question
should you ask to find freedom? Write the question on
a slip of paper along with
your name and number, ask
a SUS council member to
sign your entry and to write
down the time that you submitted your entry, and to
place your entry in the Sales
cashbox (for safekeeping).
Winner receives 50% off
any Science sweatshirt, second place receives 50% off
any Science T-shirt, third
place receives 50% off a pair
of white Science boxer
shorts.
Feel free to drop by and check
out our UBC Science clothing
display, and inquire about our
special package deals, which
offer incredible savings. 8
The Four Thirty-Two  > Vol 6 No 5 $ 4 Nov '92
Venison a la Corvette and other tasty dishes to go
lolly
ROGER
Maybe you guys out there
in Readerland can help me
out with something here...
last week, I got all ambitious
and decided to really treat
myself to a fancy dinner.
Enough bare-bones student
fare for the time being, I said.
This cat is steppin' out.
Well, relatively speaking,
anyway; it wasn't II Giardino,
but I tell ya, considering how
I'd been eating prior to that
night, it was indubitably the
best damned can of ravioli
I've yet had the pleasure to
savor.
That is to say, right up
until the part I got a little
sidetracked. While happily
gulping down my feast, I
decided to casually glance at
the ingredients, and something a little odd caught my
attention. One of the contents listed was something by
the name of 'mechanically
separated beef.
Now call me twisted, but
doing as much highway driving as I do, I find the term
mechanically separated, especially when used in reference
to a recently deceased animal
that I've just consumed, a tad
disturbing to say the least.
It almost reminds me of
one of those Orwellian doublespeak terms that politicians
like to spend hours on end
conjuring up. I can just see ol'
George Bush putting this one
to good use:
"Barbara? Honey? Bad
news... not good... bad... had
a little accident with the
limo... sorta mechanically separated Millie... didn't see her
lying in the driveway... a
tragic, tragic event."
"Oh dear. Well, send
Fitzwater down to the pet
store to get a new dog right
away, before Dan notices."
"You're right, dear... that's
a prudent move... poor li'l
tyke'd be heartbroken if he
found out..."
Of course, by the time you
read this, Curious George may
or may not even have a job
anymore. The way things are
looking now, at time of writing, I'm thinking he oughta
get together with Gorbachev
and Thatcher and open a
Burger King franchise somewhere in northern Wyoming.
(Well, why not? Open spaces,
fresh air, no lives for them to
screw up for miles around
except their own... sounds
great. And so what if they
don't pull down much business? If they can't run a business at a deficit, then by God,
nobody can.)
But enough about those
guys... I wanna get back to
this mechanically separated
beef thing for a sec. I mean, it
makes sense from a logistical
point of view, doesn't it? I
don't know if you've ever laid
eyes on an animal just
mechanically separated by,
say, a nice heavy Mack truck,
but boy oh boy, no other
meat product ever invented
would lend itself so well to
being poured into little individual pouches of pasta. No
time or money spent on slicing, dicing, chopping or even
making sauce. One good solid
broadside, and that's about it,
really... of course, you might
want to tie a few green peppers and onions to the grille,
or throw in some fresh garlic,
just to spice things up a bit.
Maybe even feed the thing
some oregano and red wine
about twenty  minutes beforehand. This last one would, of
course, help in soothing the
animal's perfectly natural
reservations about stepping
out in front of a rapidly
approaching semi-trailer.
(Just a quick note to all
you PC watchdogs out
there... no ,this is not a
senseless promotion of wholesale slaughter of perfectly
innocent cute little fuzzy
pedestrians by the general
public. I like marmots and
groundhogs as much as the
next Joe, so folks, don't go
gettin' any funny ideas. Let's
leave it to the pros down at
General Foods, OK?)
And, of course, this whole
thing explains why our insurance rates keep going up and
up and up. You know how
single-vehicle accident tolls
always stay so high? It's these
guys driving the Peterbilt
Mechanical Separators. I can
hear the conversation at the
ICBC office now...
"So, Mr. Boyardee, you're
claiming $7500 in body damage due to collision with an
animal?"
"Si, si, datsa right."
"Are you aware of the fact
that this is the 382nd such
claim that your company has
made this fiscal year?"
"Si, si."
"Mr. Boyardee, our company, quite frankly, has a big
problem with your accounts of
these accidents, especially
considering that our experts
have never been able to find
any trace of animal tissue on
the vehicles in question."
"Well, wasta not, wanta
not..."
Anyhoo, I suppose you've
heard quite enough of that...
but just thank your lucky stars
I didn't tell you where those
little cans of chocolate pudding come from. I don't think
the world's ready.
SCIENCE
ima
The Jon Campbell-
Dinkleheimer-Smith
Semi-Memorial Dance
Friday, November 6
SUB Ballroom
Free tix available at SUS
A Buck a bzzr.
'cuz Jon woulda
-wanted it that way.

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