UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 11, 1993

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Array (Made you look.)
The Newspaper for Dupes of the Secular Humanist Consoji
SUS Director of Finance declares "I'm also in love..."
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
CHEM 160-—The Single
World was shocked today as the
SUS Director Of Finance
announced that he was no longer
available. In a brief press conference, Patrick Lum issued the following statement: "Due to the fact
that I have fallen madly in love
with a fish, I must announce that ][
have eyes for no one but him."
The statement followed a four-
minute and thirty-two-second love
affair. Lum felt that after that
long, he could no longercontain
his affection. "I'm absolutely
taken by him. There is no one else:
for me. He is the most wondeful
thing to ever have happened to
Later, under heavy questioning,
Lum admitted that he was attracted to his body. "While I admit
that he's very handsome and I'm
turned on by every move he
makes, the truth is, this isn't a
physically-based relationship...
well, okay, maybe a little, but I
love him for his mind." The fish,
having recently finished his six-
and-a-halfth year of General
Science, is rumored to have the
sexiest beer gut on campus.
It was this morning that Patrick
Lum and the unnamed fish began
seeing each other. The union took
the entire SUS by surprise. Man)'
predicted that the two were not
suited for each other, and that
they would quickly swim their
separate ways. The fish, a halibut,
being wooed by the top spawning
farms in the world, and Lum, a
second-rate microbi student with a
violent allergy to salmon.
Somehow, the two stuck
together. Lum thinks it was
because of the fish's patience. He
slowly changed me. He got me
eating herring, breathing underwater, and that's not all. My
swimming habits are better, I
drink like a... well, a fish, and
I'm losing weight. He is without a
doubt the loveliest ichthyoid ever
to come into my life."
Lum went on to describe their
first date. "I cooked him supper. It
was teriy aki krill on a bed of kelp,
He loved it -1 couldn't believe iL
After that, we went downstream
and caught a few of his friends."
After talking in Pet World, Lum
continued, the two took a swim to
the Vancouver Aquarium, where,
as he recounted, "I was suddenly
swept off my fins. He looked so
beautiful in the moonlight that
reflected off the pond that I knew
I was hooked - for ever and ever."
"Oh, marriage isn't on the
agenda - not yet. He doesn't even
want to consider it until he's at
least thirty. Besides, his career is
very important to him, and so it's
important to me."
The fish plans to pursue a
Masters, then a doctorate in aqua-
culture, eventually heading up his
own school (yuk yuk yuk). Lum,
on the other hand, sees his future
as being more flexible. "I suppose
I'D follow him wherever he goes.
I want to write -1 can do that anywhere, be it Lake Ontario, or the
States, or wherever. I'll be happy
just being with him. I love him."
The fish, unaware of Lum's
announcement, could not be
caught for comment
Althoii%rnany experts had
D of F Lum with unnamed fish.
been predicting the announcement, it was still no less a shock
to even Lum's closest friends.
Ryan McCuaig, SUS Director Of
Publications, expressed his sva-
prise: "We knew they cared for
each other, but I never thought
Patrick would get his feet wet."
SUS Sex Guru and Internal
Vice-President Jeff Chen said that
he was very happy for the fish.
"He's a wonderful person. I mean,
he's a card-carrying lionfish."
In council chambers last week,
the SUS Council voted unanimously to make Patrick Lum and
his fish the SUS Official Snuggle
(PAGE 8).
"Bad fish! Baaaaaad fish!"
95820" The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 10    11 Feb '93
The Flowered Knoll Theory
(ed: Roger is taking over my
usual spot this ish because now
that I have an AMS Council
seat, I'm far too important to be
worrying about such mundane
things as editorials. Besides, I
have a busy weekend planned,
what with those eighteen hours
I've blocked off on Sunday for
crying in my beer... alone. All
together now: " awwwwww.")
First of all, I have to make
my own special contribution to
the Haiku contest. Here goes:
"See Dick, see Dick run."
Penicillin will fa that...
Oh! Sorry.. .wrong Dick.
Yes, I know, it's crass and
vile and disgusting and evil and
probably speaks volumes for
just the kind of depraved ill-
mannered perverse flea-bitten
no-good filthy beast I am.
Well, hey, nobody's
Anyway, enough of that...
because this time of year is no
time for such ugliness. Sunday
is St. Valentine's Day. The day
of love. The day of romance.
The day that Hallmark Cards
designated the Greeting-Card-
Sales-Bonanza-Day Of The
Month for February.
It's true. The Valentines'
Day celebration, as lore has it,
had its origins as a modest little
Roman fertility ritual involving
that favorite of pre-Christian
culture, animal sacrifice. Now
don't get me wrong; I enjoy
reinforcing my virility with
freshly spilled goat blood just
as much as the next Joe, but I
can see how the guys down in
Hallmark's marketing division,
eager to capitalize on the occasion, would have a little problem pushing this kind of thing
on the would-be Nineties lover:
"So, Johnson, what have you
got for us for a February
promo? Something to push up
those fourth-quarter earnings?"
"Uh... yeah, J.B., sir. Sort
"Well, go ahead."
"Um... well, it's a time-honored tradition, sir. The old-fashioned way of saying, 'I love
you.' Very chic."
"Well, you cut up a chicken,
sir, and..."
"What? A barbecue in
"No... a live chicken, sir..."
(uneasy pause)
"... and you rub it all over
yourself, and then make mad
passionate love, the blood of
the animal strengthening the
bond between you and your
mate, sir."
"Oh. Well, thanks, Johnson.
Don't forget to turn in your
washroom key on the way out,
will you..."
And so forth. Suffice it to say
that the modern man would
probably take a splash of
Eternity for Men over Eau de
Rhode Island Red.
I hate to sound like Oliver
Stone here, but the whole thing
is a conspiracy. I think the boys
from Hallmark, notwithstanding
Mr. Johnson's input, decided
that maybe a nice card would
prove a suitable and less messy
alternative, and one that would
be more acceptable to animal
rights activists. Besides which,
live animals are very difficult to
mail, and even harder to fax.
But at the same time that
Hallmark was conjuring up
ways to monopolize the
romance trade, a similar scheme
was being hatched over at FTD.
Aha, you say, that's right, the
flower guys. I knew dey had
somethiri ta do wid dis racket.
So Hallmark gets wind of this,
see? They get together with
FTD and decide that cards don't
smell all that wonderful, and
that it's a real bitch trying to
write on daisies, et voild, they
divide the holiday down the
middle. Even Steven.
(What they weren't counting
on was that jerk from the
chocolate company. He didn't
play by the rules. He just
bought himself a truckload of
heart-shaped boxes and muscled his way onto the scene.
Capitalism at its finest.)
So there you have it. The
world's annual celebration of
love and affection, through the
advancement of civilisation,
culture and economic theory,
has evolved from a crude, ruthless pagan ritual to a crude,
ruthless trade war. Yuck.
But hey, it's not such a bad
holiday; I mean, you go out and
buy some nice sweets for your
beloved, take them out to dinner and/or some other little
romantic interlude... it's nice.
The only problem with it is
the distribution of said affection
over time, or lack thereof. The
way this thing is set up implicitly suggests that you can only be
a sweet guy on just the one day,
as though to say, "If you send
her a ton of flowers on
Valentines' Day, you're an
impetuous, romantic heapahea-
paburnin'love. Do it on any
other day, and you're just
This is a damn shame. We
should try to spread all that love
out a little more. Just give a little bit of that every day and
remind your cMri(e) that you
care. Far better for your relationship in the end. (And Sarah,
I know I oughta practice what I
preach a little more. Thanks for
being such a sweetheart. Joyeux
Valentin, majolie.)
Of course, the bright side of
the present setup is that you
know the two of you are going
to get along perfectly on at least
one day of the year, come hell
or high water. On Valentines'
Day, you are going to be the
model lover, kind and considerate, partly to show that underneath all the bickering, you
really do care, but primarily out
of fear of ruining the other's
Valentines' Day by being a
"rotten self-absorbed crab" and
thus earning their undying contempt for months on end.
Ain't love grand?
2ml Annual BNP
PizzH & Pop AVixcr
12:00 to 2:00 in IRC Mall
Friday, Feb 12th
Members $0.50
Non Members    $1.00
One free pop for all members.
Another gratuitous photo of Patrick in the SAC.
The AMS Walk Home Program was created two years ago to help improve
pigfrtimg *afcty on campus. When you call 822-5355 during its hours of
operation (Hours: M, T.Th.Su 7:00-11:00pm/ W,F, Sa7:00pm-l:00am),
two volunteers (a man and a woman) will pick you up and walk with you to
your campus destination. Another volunteer stays to staff the desk which is
located on the main concourse of SUB. The program is run from die Walk
Home Desk, and could alwaysuse more volunteers. For more information,
cafl the Walk Home I^kd^ng its houra of operation, or caU me D^
of Adnrinistration at 822-3961. To volunteer, fill out the form below and
return it to SUB 238.
n\U Home Volunteer form
Please circle the beat nightOs) for you to work
TUB       WED       THU       FRI SAT
Need Weekend (Fri/Sat Night)
Volunteers DESPERATELY! Vol 6 No 9 ■* VFeb '93   The Four Thirty-Two
VdlGntin6's Dei
(The saga continues]
Well, it's about that time
again, that time of year when
tensions are high, and young
people across die country are
often seen staring off into
space, their thoughts a million
miles away. Not midterm time,
silly, Valentine's
(depending on how much you
buy into the commercial
exploitation). I don't know
about you, but this occasion
(I'm sorry, but I refuse to call
it a holiday. Holidays involve
days away from school or
work, unless you have an irritating summer job, in which
case they may not mean anything) brings back not-entirely
fond memories of elementary
school. You know, all that fun
stuff like filling out cards the
night before, trying to figure
out how to write cards to people you don't really like without sounding actually mean.
Once in a while, I'd get a
phone call from one of my
friends. "Leona", she'd say.
"How can I write this card so
that Billy will ask me out?"
I was unfortunately one of
those late social bloomers (Oh,
who am I trying to kid — I
have yet to bloom) who
couldn't figure out why you
couldn't just come out and say
stuff honestly. I know, I can
hardly stand the idea myself.
I'm so glad I finally grew up
and learned to play mind
games like everyone else.
Anyway, on with our story.
When we last left our heroine,
she was a stupid fifth-grader
talking on the phone with an
even-more-stupid fifth-grader.
So I would answer something
along the lines of, "Well, why
don't you try something like
'Corey, you're nice. Please be
my Valentine.'"
"Have you gone completely
mental, Leona? I can't say
"Why not? It's true, isn't
"(brief pause)...Well,...
yeah, but I can't just come out
say it like that."
"Why not?"
"Because then he'd know
that I like him."
"I thought that was the
him to find out that I like him
before I find out whether or
not he likes me."—:
"Why?" (I know what you
guys are thinking: my vocabulary hasn't changed a lot in the
past ten years, but that's not
true. It's just my approach to
things that confuse me that
hasn't changed.)
"I don't toow." (This is
something which I can't possibly hope to reproduce on
paper. I don't know if it's a
special hormone thing or what,
but the accent that a ten-year-
old manages to put on the
know part of "I don't know" is
something which just has to be
experienced first-hand.)
Anyhow, the conversations
would degenerate into a cheerful round of "Why? I don't
KNOW" and get tied up pretty
fast Things haven't changed
much since then, except now I
get guys coming to me for
advice. It's interesting when
they ask what women are looking for in guys, since I'm not
always sure myself. So I use
the one useful skill which I've
acquired over the course of my
university career: when faced
with a seemingly unanswerable question, stall for time.
"Do you mean what do I
think, or what do women in
general think?"
"Well, women in general, I
guess, cause you're kind of an
unusual case." -.
Now there's a veiled compliment if I've ever heard one.
I have yet to get up the nerve
to ask one of these normally
sweet guys why exactly this is,
but I have this unpleasant feeling that they will be honest,
and that I will thereby end up
spending Friday night with a
"Well, what do men in general want?'
"That's hard to say. I mean,
it varies from person to person."
"And so women are this
entirely separate breed who
know exactly what they want
and how to get it?"
"I guess not. Thanks any-
Little do they know this is
all part of our master plan. I
managed yet again to escape
without revealing any of our
secrets. My superiors will be
so pleased. Maybe I'll be due
for a promotion.
jj"%31ir\J|i cfiIQ ^^|[^rw^^wi ^i*HiiIO 111 da■ ■
now and then, someone would
see the face of Elvis in a stack
I will always associate
Valentine's Day with grade
five. Our mothers would buy
the Valentine's Day cards that
came three-hundred-for-a-
nickel, which we were supposed to give to each person in
the class.
Everybody gave Valentine's
Cards to everyone. This was
because our smouldering grade
five sexuality was so collectively absent that the purpose
of Valentine's Day was lost.
Grade Five was the time when
boys started to notice strange
things happening Down
Below, but no one was quite
sure what.
Consequendy, we all stumbled about, with quizzical
looks on our faces, torn
between whether or not girls
were a neat novel thing or just
carried infectious Cooties.
We would tape envelopes
with our names on them to our
desks and everyone would
drop the Valentine's cards in.
I never got any cards. I think
it had less to do with the fact
that I was the Designated
Smart Kid than it had to do
with the fact that my desk was
so messy that you couldn't
find the envelope. My desk
was hopelessly messy. I don't
know how I ever did it, but I.
think it was a talent that should
have been encouraged, which
could have led to a future in
the civil service. You could
place me in an empty room
with a paper clip, and I would
find a way to clutter up the
That was my desk. Every
of paper. There I would be,
searching through last week's
lunch, trying to find the cap to
the Elmer's Glue (usually it
was in my mouth), and the
National Enquirer would
swoop in, take pictures and run
a story.
I'm stretching it a bit here, I
know, but when I get hold of a
joke, I like to run it deep into
the ground.
With all that mess, no one
could find the envelope (least
of all me) and I never got
Valentine's Day cards. Even
Ritchie Van Horlick, the
Designated Fat Kid Whose
Underwear Always Poked Out
Of His Pants would get more
cards than me.
Everyone gave cards, but
the funny part was that the
boys would give the majority
of their cards to other boys. I
find that refreshing. I think we
should do it today. I think that
the House of Commons should
make a rule that every MP
must put a little envelope on
the back of their chair, and
everyone would give
Valentine's Day cards to
everyone else. All except John
Crosbie. I have a feeling his
desk is too messy.
But I never got cards. Jeff
Rankin got cards, even though
he was the Designated Kid
With Glasses You Could Play
Keepaway With. As a matter
of fact, Ritchie and Jeff got the
most cards in the room,
because all the guys wanted to
get near enough to Jeff to steal
his glasses, or else get near
enough to Ritchie to pin his
janitor butt down and give him
a gonch pull. But what did
they want to get near me for?
To ask me a math question?
-.•^/v,''i";AV^:o;/<v;,\V^»oy£.% '■■;f'-.:y -■:'■:'■■:
4:32pm-8:30pm in SUB Partyroom
BZZR: $1.25
CEADER: $1.50
I was very shy about giving
out my cards to girls. That was
a tough one, except for Trish
Doyle. We hated each other. I
would scratch out the "be my
Valentine" part, and write in
"slip on a fish, buttplug" for
I tried to give a card to
Cindy Shaw, on whom I had
the world's biggest crush. I
was so scared anyone would
find out that it was me who
gave her the card, that I snuck
in at 8 in the morning to do it.
I was caught doing it, not by
Cindy, which would have been
mortifying, but nowhere near
as mortifying as being caught
by Steve Patterson, who was
an anomaly we feared and
revered. Steve Patterson was in
grade five, yet he had chest
hair. He would come to school
with a five o'clock shadow.
Good God, he was the last person I wanted to find out that I
liked Cindy Shaw. Steve
Patterson! I lunged for Cindy
Shaw's envelope, pulled out
my card, and ripped it into a
hundred thousand pieces, so I
never got to profess my love to
Cindy Shaw, and it was
STEVE! STEVE! who ended
up going out with her, walking
around at recess, holding her
hand, smooching on the
swings and it could have been
ME! ME! and eventually she
moved away to Nelson with
me never having a chance to
profess my love, very much
like Cyrano de Bergerac, an
equally romantic tragedy,
Actually, if you went four
years back, you'd find another
of my 432 articles remarkably
similar to this one, but I'm
banking on the assumption that
you stopped reading well
before this.
Ryan McCuaig
Editor, Secure in his Niche
Roger Watts
Assistant Editor, Sleeping his way to the Top
Contributing Writers A Buncha Would-Be Poets,
A Buncha Would-Be Politicians, Leona Adams,
Michael Chow, Al Douglas, Aaron Drake, Carmen
McKnight, Derek Miller, Jamie Morris, Some
People with No Lives to Speak Of, Sarah
Thornton, and with me as always is Rog.
Party on, Rog.
ART   and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig, Jamie Morris,
Roger Watts
Contributing Artists Melanie Stapleton,
Roger Watts
Printer College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver
. Distributor 'E's-An-'Alibut, Inc.
77» 4% does not (My titter was bitten by a mh ones) print subliminal
message* hem. (Why nottrei a hvlktay in Sweden this year?) 4
The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 10* 11 Feb'93
The Valentine's Day
Erotic Haiku Contest
Vol 6 No 9    1! Feb'93    The Four Thirty-Two
Male to
Most Lik i
**Ww lr c<>okies
i f Can-*
BachothetiotJ ^end.
Stuart Boylan
„ **tr Bra***111,
Phil String^
Miscellaneous Land Animal
to Male/Female
All I can see from
Down here is wet dripping hair,
Soft under my tongue.
Jason Saunderson.
MiscellaneousLanrf" .
To Paddy, I m
ViolcUnp vow-tail
Special Choirboy Prize
Your finger lightly
Traces down over my warm thigh.
I knee you real hard.
Aaron Drake
To the sof tspoken redhead
Happy St Valentine's Day.
Mr Microchip — I'm an acid
You're a base. Let's make salt
sometime soon.—LoveM.
Is<* you standing
«the field. vZI
ger,Ja«"> Saunders
Phil?,*-    ereIcome.
Female To Male
Although it's over
I will always cherish you
In me forever
and the winner is Melody Wong with:
The Meeting
Tingling awareness —
Sidelong glances of desire
Meet to burst aflame.
The Hunt
She looks away though,
Tempting the hunter to chase
A fleeing nymphette.
The Capture
Turning her face back
Towards him, his fingers touch
Her captured red mouth.
The Kiss
Caress the softness -
Absorb her breath before plunging
Into dark wetness.
Sucking sensation —
Battie his rough silky tongue
For soul possession.
The Loving
He bends to worship
Her lips, her breasts, her stomach,
And licks the rose.
Little Deaths
Hot damp pleasures coil
And wrack the shuddering flesh,
Till tight bodies break
Sudden triumphant
Cries, convulsions drowning
The naked spirit.
Best Misunderstanding of
the Concept of a Haiku
They said I couldfi'trbut this'll show 'em
. *Oausethis is for you;it's a Valentinepoem.
I told all my fnendfcabout your sweet smile
©ut^hey laughedand they scoffed^ they'fe all infantile.
They made jokes and'-rude comments about how I feel,
Not understanding why I have to conceal
My all-powerful passion and lustful desires
That could ignite our bodies with biological fires.
I was up late last night, thinking of you
When I concocte&this poem just out of the blue
That's gonna try to convey my bewildered emotions
For you, the receptacle of my godly devotions.
I watch you each day in physics one-twenty
And admire god's gift of pink flesh a-plenty.
I sit there and stare at the back of your head
Dreaming of nightsihandcuffed in bed
Where you'll whip me and bite me and make me squeal
And I'll drip wax in your navel and let it congeal.
I want so badly to feel your touch
but I don't know your name, so it's prob'ly too much.
I just wanna be able' to walk up and say
Hi! How are you? What's the homework today?
But I freeze up and can't talk. I don't now why!
Or maybe I do... I guess I'm just shy
Whatever's thejxoblem, I know there's no cure
jj\ndyoujindme*well... p-shaw,/"I'msure"
So just close youneyes for a moment's reflection
-ana^aekrfflwledgejai^^ affectioa
And 1*11 be content just to sit there and stare
As my Valentine4over plays with her hair.
Jeff Haas
The Prospective Exec
Plead for Votes...
Well, the SUS Executive Elections are upon us once again. We've got a pretty good selection of precision-crafted prospective
exec to choose from this year. And, gosh darn it, it's important that you do get out and vote on Feb 22-24. (Actually, I don't
care — I'm unopposed). Briefly, the candidates are: President - Sarah Thornton (unopposed); Internal Vice Prez: Chris George,
Laurie Yee; External Vice Prez: Stephen Coleman, Glen David, Terence Fan, Larissa Puis; Secretary: Morie Chen, David
Skogstad; Director of Finance: Jason Holmes (unopposed); Director of Publications: Moi (also unopposed); Director of Sports:
Bryan Tepper, Delwin Yung; Public Relations Officer: Keith Bannerjee, Graeme Kennedy, Farheen Rawji, and Social
Coordinator: Matt Brear (unopposed). So, without further ado, you can hear firsthand what these people sound like with a
deadline barrrelling down.
Sarah is the latest in the line of
highly efficient and deadly
Prezinators, made by Blondyne
Systems, Inc. Deceptively
attractive in appearance, these
purveyors of mass destruction
will rule you out of order
before you can blink twice.
The first of the series, the B-
600 Rankelbots, had very thick
rubber skin and were relatively
easy to see coming.
A breakthrough came in the
form of the B-800 Carmenator,
which featured a new CPU that
allowed the acquisition of several targets at once, and
improved alcohol assimilation
Sarah is the prototype of the B-
1000 series, a highly advanced
piece of machinery that is able
to assume the executive position of any person it touches,
making it by far the most
lethally effective exec can-
didite that SUS has yet seen.
(ed: See what happens when
you don't submit on time?)
I'm running for your vote.
How? By pleading, whining,
bribing (if it were allowed),
and generally doing whatever I
can to get it I've got a firm
grasp (from hours of bzzr practice), on what I need to do to
make it a FUN year for all. If I
get your vote, gosh, darn, gee
I'll WORK for you!
"It's begging Jim, but not as
we know it"
— a quote from an out-of-this-
world type of guy.
My name is Laurie Yee, and
I'm running for SUS Internal
Veep. I've been involved in
the SUS for the past year and I
would like to continue^ making
SUS an active undergraduate
^society (ie. pizza and
vote forme! (Oh yeah...I
almost forgot. One of my goals
for next year is to learn how to
chug BEvERages.)
Stephen Coleman, currently
. 3rd year rep, is runing for ExVP. What most qualifies a successful ExVP is a rapier-like
wit, refined social abilities, a
biting sense of sarcasm and a
hardened liver. I will be
responsible for being the voice
of the SUS to other faculties
and to the AMS.
Remember: a vote for Steve is
a vote for me.
Hi there!! I am presently a
third year representative on the
SUS council. I was also the
second year rep during the 91 -
92 school year. Leadership
positions I have been elected
to in the past are hight school
president and captain of sports
I feel I can bring a strong representation to the AMS and
EUS councils, as well as leadership andfun to the SUS.
Energy, enterprise and enthusiasm are 3 most obvious traits
of mine during my past 4
months as a 1st year rep. As
Academics Committee coordinator, and Budget Committee
member, I have approved
numerous dance budgets and
have at the same time directed
SUS' attention to our non-
drinking members.
Hi! I'm Larissa Puis. I'm running for external vice president. Vote for me or I will
have wasted a lot of campaigning money. Besides, I'm a
jreallyniceperson.and Itrrinkl
could do a great job.
BEvERages at poster parties).
If you want to see SUS
become more active next year,
I've blown my knees out more
times than I can count. If that
doesn't qualify me, then the
fact that I can't count to four
has to. I'm running so that
people, like myself, can actually get on a science sports team.
Go Canucks.
Why? Because I'm a nice guy.
i don't sweep floors...
i don't hang coats...
i don't clean boards...
but, i do take notes!
I'm a 3rd year Biology
(Ecology) major who has
decided to get up off his ass
and actually get involved. I'm
using this ad to try and win
over the 3% of you who are
actually going to take 2 minutes out of your day to vote.
I'd like to see the SUS
Executive run smoothly in the
upcoming year in order to
effectively better serve the students whawe represent. So get
out and VOTE!
What intrigues me most about
the position of Pub Rep is its
involvement with the various
charities on campus. Working
to coordinate the efforts of
thesse charities within the
Faculty would be both helpful
and rewarding. In addition, I
look forward to being a liason
with the AMS, which is kind
of scary, but I don't think Bill
will bite. This year, I'm one of
those second year representatives to SUS Council, Social
Coordinator for BioSoc, and
studying honours botany.
A 2nd year Biochemistry stu-
his blood. No, really, doctor
said so. Mixed 50/50 with
-Helped establish SUS Science
Students' Employment
-First SUS Employment
-BioChem Rep 92/93
-Always has a note from his
My name is Farheen Rawji and
I'm running for the position of
Public Relation Officer. If I'm
voted in, I'll make sure my
good pal "Slick Willie"
Clinton will donate half of the
budget of the US to the SUS in
the interest of Our goodwill.
And the case of Granville
Island Pale Ale that we're not
sending to Chelsea. Next I'm
arranging the succession of the
SUS from B.C. and declare
ourselves a "Free Beer" zone.
Next we'll invite back Duke's
Cookies. Failing the above I'll
iust be the best P.R.O. the ST IS
has ever had. I PROMISE to
the BEST of all time. So a
vote for me is a vote for the
future. Ask not what your
Country... WHATEVER!
Jason S Holmes, current First
Year Rep. has run uncontested
for the position of Director Of
Finance. He would really like
everyone to vote 'Yes' so that
he can call himself "DoF". So
vote in this year's election,
vote for the only person who
can do the job!
Brear brings bigger badder bet-
(See The 432, Vol 5, No 8, pp.
1-8, and Vol 6, No 1-10, pp. 1-
8. 'Nuffsaid.) c^
The Four Thirty-Two  Vol 6 No 10 * 11 Feb '93
Dik" IMiil©r^v t ibi^ty Enf orcGr
"I know who you are
Curmudgeon Redux
 Gmeme Kennedy     Inevetably, a Valentine's
Derek K.
Dik Miller, Library Enforcer
I was alone in my office,
way down in the deepest,
dankest, smelliest, most roach-
infested, greyest, dreariest,
dumpiest, most boring,
nastiest, darkest, most
inaccessible bowels of Main
Library, still resenting the new
Assistant Librarian Sven
Sv0rdbergsson, the Icelandic
import who had taken over my
fourth floor view office the
previous week.
"Danutod Sv0rdborgoaon,"
I griped to myself.
"Shhhh!" said someone
out in the stacks nearby.
Then something struck
me. As I smacked at my cheek,
I discovered it to be a small
fly. Then a thought struck me.
I'm not sure which one hurt
I scrambled for the nearby
copy of Icelandic Culture by
Sigurour Nordal, translated by
Vilhjalmur T. Bjamar. (I was
rapidly discovering that it was
awfully handy to work in a
library when I needed obscure
books like this one.)
Flipping it open, I scanned
through the pages.
"Aha!" I cried upon
confirming my suspicions.
"Shhhh!" someone said.
"Shut up," I responded.
"Grmblbrmbl..." I
I walked away, still
reading the book.
What I had noticed was
that not a single Icelandic
name in the book had a slashy
0 in it, as Sv0rdbergsson's
did. Every place there would
have been a slashy O, there
was an umlaut instead.
Sv0rdbergsson should
have been spelled
He was an imposter!
The Head Librarian would
have to find out about this!
Minutes later, I was in the
Head Librarian's office.
"Yes, Miller?" she said,
looking up from her desk.
I was a bit out of breath
after running headlong up the
multiple flights of stairs to her
1 sputtered. I hadn't had much
exercise recently.
"Sven Sv0rdbergsson isn't
one. His name should be
She looked blank. Then I
realized that the two spellings
are pronounced identically. I
tried the Dik Miller™ charade
"Sv0rdbergsson," I said,
making diagonal slashy
motions with my right hand.
'That's not the Icelandic way
to spell it. It should be
SvOrdbergsson." I used two
fingers of my right hand to
make pointy motions.
"I see," she said. "So?"
"So, he's not Icelandic!
He's probably Danish or
Swedish or something!"
"Danish, actually."
I was getting a bit
agitated. "You know?! Why
didn't you say something?"
"i man i tnuiK it was very
important. Denmark, Iceland,
what's the difference, as long
as he's a good librarian?"
"What's the difference?
Denmark is a peninsular
country in northern Europe of
5.1 million people. It's a
constitutional monarchy, with
391,895 elementary school
I was on a roll now.
"Iceland, on the other hand, is
an island country in the North
Atlantic, with a population of
only 300,000. It's a republic,
and has 25,420 elementary
school students. I'd say that's a
"How do you know all
I smiled. "I do a lot of
reading in my spare time."
"Very interesting, but
quite irrelevant. What would
you like me to do about it?"
"Uh..." I hadn't thought of
that. "Since he misrepresented
himself to you as Icelandic and
not Danish, shouldn't he be
"Moved to a scummier
office somewhere in the
deepest, dankest, smelliest,
most roach-infested, greyest,
dreariest, dumpiest, most
boring, nastiest, darkest, most
inaccessible bowels of Main
"Oh." I had pretty well
run out of ideas. "Could I just
beat him up?"
"No." The Head Librarian
was looking steamed. "Look,
Miller, you have work to do.
Get out of my office and get to
it, okay?"
"Very well." I turned on
my heel and left.
On my way out, I passed
Sv0rdbergsson in the hallway.
I turned to him.
"I know who you are," I
"Sorry?" he asked.
"I'm afraid I do not
understand, Mr, Library
I made the slashy hand
gestures. "Sv0rdbergsson.
That's not Icelandic."
His eyes went wide and
his voice dropped to a hoarse
whisper. "If you tell anyone
that, I will have to kill you."
Whoa, I thought. Sensitive
guy. I puffed up to my best
macho-tough-guy girth. "I'd
like to see you try."
"I am versed in all the
most difficult Icelandic martial
I laughed. "Ah yes, Tai
Kw0n D6 and Kiing Fii, I
assume. What a crock."
When I regained
consciousness, I was back in
my office. A copy of Icelandic
Culture by Sigurour Nordal,
translated by Vilhjalmur T.
Bjarnar was lying on my chest.
I guess that's another
enemy made and another case
closed for Dik Miller, Library
Fellow Scot
Valentine's Day sucks.
There, it's out. I don't have to
justify my opinions, but in this
case, I think it's only fair to
supply an explanation. Mainly
because "Valentines Day
sucks" isn't really enough to
fill an entire column. So read
on if you dare, and especially
if you believe V-Day is only a
lovely warm pinkish-happy
kinda day. You have much to
learn, Grasshopper.
If you hadn't guessed, I'm
in one of the low-swings on
the pendulumn of love. This
has been the case since., .oh,
1986. My problem is that love
hits me very much like a lighn-
ing bolt it's blinding, unexpected, unstoppable, and does
about as much damage. And
just like that guy in the Ozarks,
I keep getting nailed. This is
how the routine begins, and it
continues thusly: fumbling
introduction, first date, second
date, deleriously happy, not so
happy, mongoose vs. cobra,
ritual returning of the goods,
biterness, .anger, repeat.
Day falls somewhere in the
pattern. If it falls in any part
but the deleriously happy
phase, a gift is not required.
This is usually a bone for contention, ushering in the mongoose vs. cobra stage. If,
indeed the exchange of gifts is
. performed (you fool) the gift is
either of such a private nature
that it's really a gift for one
self (go directly to bitterness)
or worse, you break up and
wonder who else gets to see
the gift, (ie who's the next victim)
This V-Day, a mixed blessing: I'm freed from all the
stages for the first time in
years, and I'm glad...really.
It's better than spending a
week and a week's earnings
shopping at La Vie En Rose
for someone and something
which will be enjoyed by
someone else in no time anyways. Frankly, it's better this
way, really. I'd rather roll
naked across a floor of Legos
than dive into one of those
emotional roller-coasters.
Stupid, lousy holiday. Unless
you're in love. Then it's OK.
But, at least I'm not bitter.
will doit for you!    °
•on campus
• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640
Mon-fhu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm
Come one;
Come all.
Amber Nectar just $1.00
Gratuitous Munchies
And of course: Music,
Fun, and one free bzzr
for each member
Wednesday Feb.
4:45 to 7:30
IRC #5 Vol 6 No 10 * 11 Feb '93   The Four Thirty-Two
t h e
r a w e r s
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
I've said it before, and I'll
say it again: our Science
merchandise is so irresistible,
people have been literally
breaking down our doors to get
their hands on the most
attractive clothing on campus.
Hey, no need to get violent;
just drop by our office in
CHEM 160, and we'll be
happy to help you out.
If you participated in
Science Week 1993 on the
third week of January (or you
just want a high-quality T-shirt
for a great price), we are
selling Science Week 1993 T-
shirts below cost for only
$5.00 each! The elections for
the 1993-94 Executive
positions for the Science
Undergraduate Society are
taking place right after
midterm break. Best of luck to
all the candidates from Science
Sales. Unfortunately, some;
people will not win the
contested positions. Do noit
despair: if you would still like
to help out the Science
Undergraduate Society (or if
you'd like to help SUS but
want to avoid the politics), the
position for the 1993-94 Sales
Manager is still open. Feel free
to drop by our office to learn
more about this position.
• NEW ITEMS: Science
baseball shirts, baseball c aps,
shorts, T-shirts, sweatshirts,
sweatpants, cardigans,
leather-melton jackets, teddy
bears, roll-up T-shirts.
• BELOW COST: 100%-
cotton embroidered sweaters
only $15! Available in navy,
royal or white. We have
crew-necks and V-necks.
Hurry, they're selling fast!
• Have you seen the coolest
looking jackets on campus?
Science jackets: Navy blue
melton, with navy and white
leather split-sleeves, all for
only $150 (plus cresting).
Last chance to order one this
school year, deadline:
February 17, 1993.
• Last chance to order a navy
Science cardigan for this
school year. Only $35 (plus
cresting), deadline: February
17, 1993.
• Computer Science leather-
melton jackets! You don't
even need to be majoring in
Computer Science, but if you
want a black leather-melton
jacket for only $150 (plum
cresting), place your order
before February 17,1993.
You can also contact Michael
Chow, the Sales Manager,
using e-mail at
• Is your team or club looking
for clothing or uniforms? We
deal directly with the
manufacturers and
wholesalers to get you the
best prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1 dozen,
100% cotton Fruit of the
Loom standard-weight T-
shirts, with a full-front 2-
colour logo, and 2-digit 8-
inch numbers, all for only
$13.50 each (all taxes
• We sell the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. The books are packed
with half-price coupons for
restaurants, theatres, sports,
attractions, and much more.
The Entertainment book also
offers 50% off on many
hotels throughout the world.
A great way to sample
Vancouver's attractions on a
student's budget. All this for
only $42.80 (taxes included).
• We also sell the new Gold C
Savings Spree coupon books:
$12. Use the coupons to save
on merchandise, recreation,
movie rentals, and fast food.
• Our Annual Paper Sale is still
on! We sell 200 sheets of
looseleaffor only $0.75.
That's half the price you'll
pay at the Bookstore, plus all
proceeds will be donated to
Feel free to drop by and
check out our UBC Science
clothing display. We are in the
Chemistry building, room 160.
Carmen McKnight
Executive elections are now
in full swing. Look out for our
candidates in your lectures and
on posters. A lot of positions
are contested, including:
Internal VP, External VP,
Sectetary, Director Of Sports,
and Public Relations Officer.
After the elections are over,
I'm sure there will be some
empty Year and Department
Rep seats, so it's not too late to
get involved. Inquire at the
SUS office if you are interested.
Next Wednesday, the 'No
Class Bash' (bzzr garden with
Karaoke machine and cheap
BEvERages) will be going on.
You'll have an opportunity to
meet all of the candidates for
the executive election at that
Teaching Excellence
Nominations ended on
Wednesday, February 10th.
They were early this term,
because the AGM is taking
place on March 4th and we
need to know by then who the
winner is. Speaking of the
AGM, all Science students are
welcome. Teaching Excellence
Awards, Executive Awards
and Science Week Awards will
be presented at the meeting.
The newly elected Executive
will also be introduced. You'll
have an opportunity to enjoy a
free lunch at that time. The
new execs take office on April
Two of this year's exec
were elected to AMS Exec.
Congratulations to Roger
Watts and Janice Boyle. They
leave behind two empty seats:
External VP and AMS Rep.
The people who take these
positions will hold the position
for the remainder of the term.
Replacements will be appointed on Thursday, February 11.
Also, starting on February 17
SUS will have a fourth AMS
seat. Ryan McCuaig will be
occupying the seat.
Read about the candidates
for the Executive Elections in
this paper. Voting will take
place on Feb 22,23 and 24th.
Don't forget to bring your student card to vote.
Let Your Fingers Do The Laughing
Alan Douglas
Someone we don't hear from
enough, gosh dam it!
Did you know that the Yellow
Pages can be the source of
countless hours of amusement
and hilarity? Well, it can
(though it helps if you don't
have a social life). To
demonstrate this fact (as well
as the bit about not having a
social life), I give you The
Funniest Actual Category
Headings In The Yellow Pages
starting with:
The first entry, which is
handy for those awkward
occasions when you
suddenly find that you've
got eleven hundred pigs
that need to be slaughtered.
These are hard things to get
rid of.
Air Balancers
It's probably a lot trickier
than it sounds.
We don't need no stinking
Baseball!Hockey I Soccer Clubs
Appropriately there is no
listing in Vancouver for a
football club.
Bee Keeper's Supplies
Sure, but what if you keep
other letters?
Blue Printers
Cool! The one I've got is
Can this really be a thriving
Bowling Apparel
Ironically, this comes right
after Boutiques.
Buildings—Air Supported
Did these people actually
pass their civil engineering
City and Town Planners
Own a city? Is your
downtown core in need of
serious planning? Then let
your fingers do the
Concrete Vibrators
Crushing and Pulverizing
For when a nasty letter isn't
Dust Collecting Systems
My system works fine,
thank you.
Engravers—Bank Notes
Does this seem suspicious
to you?
Quality is the key here.
Always hire a prime factor.
Guniting (see Shotcreting
Well that certainly clears
that up. This is the English
edition, isn't it?
Hair Removing
You can start with my
shower drain.
Hog Fuel
Cheaper than natural gas,
but you need much wider
This is for those who want
to make their fortune by
inventing something
spectacular, but lack the
intelligence and creativity
to do it.
Invisible Mending
For when you want people
to think it's still broken.
Holesalers. (Sorry)
Paper Converters
Into what? Pirate hats?
Parachute Jumping Instruction
Probably a good idea.
Places of Interest
Get this: there is only ONE
place of interest listed for
Vancouver! You'll never
guess what it is.
Why is this plural?
For all those people who
don't own a radio, don't
know anyone they could
borrow one from, and who
wouldn't actually risk
buying a radio because the
whole thing might just be a
passing fad.
From the same geniuses
who brought you used
Thera are only two listings
and they don't sound like
they belong together:
"Marks of Distinction" and
"Young and Naughty Ltd."
Uncomfortably close to
Sawdust and Shavings.
Shot Peening
Somebody has to be
making these up.
Ask for Dieter.
Stevedoring Contractors
Aren't stevedores those
idiot Spanish guys who
dance around prodding
angry bulls with tiny little
Alright, what's a zzo and
why do people need so
many of them? You'd
think a megazzo would be
Unlike final exams.
Water Blasting
Now rock blasting I can
understand, but this seems
The final entry. Funny how
the Yellow Pages starts
with mass animal execution
and ends with mass animal
imprisonment. (Oooh,
poignant social
commentary). The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 10 * 11 Feb '93
The Morris Methods
Yes, even the most hardcore
of scientific experimentalists
and theorists must take a break
from the wondrous beauty of
study, and take note of the
passing holidays —
Valentine's Day for instance.
So, instead of my usual "hard
science" experiment, I will tell
the story of my close friend,
and accomplished "bio-hacker" (recombinant DNA
prankster) Slerpderloopdoop,
and his first experience with
that thing called love.
Last year, about this time,
Slurpderloopdoop had broken
up with his first and only love,
Grechuhilda. This happened a
week before Valentine's Day.
The break-up occurred because
the two had gotten into a
squabble over which prejudices, religions, and personalities they were to program into
their first child (yes, they were
thinking of marriage and children). Slerpderloopdoop felt
terrible after a couple of days
of being alone, and so decided
to make up with Grechuhilda
— and what not a better day to
do so than Valentine's Day?
When the big day, Feb 14th,
1992, rolled around,
Slerpderloopdoop was ready.
He had spent hundreds of dollars on all the little things one
could buy for Valentine's Day.
And soon, the only thing that
was missing was Grechuhilda
herself. Slerpderloopdoop then
took a quick wander around
the UBC campus and found
her. She was talking on a pay
phone in the SUB, her back
towards him.
Slerpderloopdoop took the
opportunity to sneak quietly up
and stand behind her. He stood
there, and watched her beautiful hair move up and down as
she talked, and waited for her
to put down the phone. When
she hung up Slerpderloopdoop
softly said to her back,
"Grechuhilda... Grechuhilda...
Grechuhilda...," the beautiful
name flowing out his mouth
like mercury through a platinum funnel. Grechuhilda
turned around; however,
Slerpderloopdoop felt a bitter
wrench of fear in his gut, and
could not meet her gaze. He
stared at the ground instead.
He had forgotten all about the
cards, the chocolates, and the
other gifts he had for her. It
didn't matter to him anyway,
they were trivial compared to
his love, and what he had to
"Grechuhilda," he continued, watching his feet skitter
nervously back and forth,
"how I have missed you
Grechuhilda. I miss our mean-
derings through 'Ed's Seafood
and Tattoo Parlour'. I miss
rowing the boat out on the
lake, in the rain, while you
shout at me from the shore. I
miss dancing to our favourite
song, 'Crepitating Bowel
Erosion' in the chilly dampness of your cellar. Please,
please, please, Grechuhilda,
come back to me. Let me hold
you in my arms once more.
Please, forgive me..., and be
my Valentine."
He paused for an answer,
but no answer came.
Perplexed, Slerpderloopdoop
raised his head to gaze upon
the face of the woman he loved
— only to find out it wasn't
Grechuhilda at alll This person had the same height, the
same hair, and the same general appearance of Grechuhilda,
but was definitely not his
"Fuck off you little science
geek," the woman said, "Get
your conforming, alcoholic,
out of shape, and putrid body
out of my presence before I
puke all over your cheap
shoes, and ram pencils up your
snot encrusted nose. And
besides, I know who you are!
You're Slerpderloopdoop!
You're the one my friend
Grechuhilda 'got in good with'
in order to steal your recombinant DNA files on putting the
regeneration capabilities of
Thyrone Briareus into humans.
She's gonna make billions, and
you'll wind up crushed like the
maggot you are. Ha, Ha, Ha,"
and with that said, she walked
away, cackling with glee.
"I knew it,"
Slerpderloopdoop said, "Gosh
darn it, I knew something as
good as Grechuhilda couldn't
happen to me." He threw
away all his Valentine cards
and presents and walked home.
Slerpderloopdoop knew who
the foul-mouthed woman was.
She was Grechuhilda's friend,
Heidi Anderson, who formerly
wrote articles for The 432 on
how to discourage the attention
of UBC Engineers.
Apparently, she had expanded
her concepts to include males
in science as well.
Slerpderloopdoop didn't
worry that Grechuhilda had
stolen his files. He had lied to
her about that — trying to
impress her. Grechuhilda had
really just stolen his notes on
how to make a human smell
like a sea cucumber. He had
done experiments on this
because he had noticed all the
attention sea cucumbers got,
and remembered the saying:
"cool as a sea cucumber." He
hoped he could learn the secret
of the sea cucumber, and finally meet the true "Grechuhilda"
of his life.
And so you know the story
of Slerpderloopdoop. The
moral is: never go out with
someone who's first name
starts with Grech-, and whose
favourite song is "Excoriating
Abdominal Emanation". My
own advice for this Valentine's
Day is: "don't be afraid to go
out on a limb — that's where
all the chipmunks are."
"Damn! Missed Again"
A Minute in SUS.
February 4,1993.
A Minute in SUS
CALL TO ORDER: 1:39 pm
SUS Council Minutes dated
January 28,1992.
1. Moved Farheen Rawji,
Seconded Jason Holmes,
"That council approve
spending up to $1770.42 on a
colour scanner."
2. Mowed Tim Lam, Seconded
Terence Fan,
"That council accept the
resignation of Roger Watts on
February 17,1993."
Defeated; recounted: Carried,
note: Chris Sing and Chris
Woods opposed.
3. Moved Jason Holmes,
Seconded Terence Fan,
"That council accept the
resignation of Janice Boyle on
February 17,1993."
note: Chris Sing and Chris
Woods opposed.
4. Moved Steve Coleman,
Seconded Delwin Young,
"That nominations be opened
for the position of External VP;
the position to be held for the
remainder of the year."
5. Moved Keith Banerjee,
Seconded Tim Lam,
"That nominations be opened
for the position of AMS Rep.;
the position to be held for the
remainder of the year."
6. Moved Keith Banerjee,
Seconded Matt Brear,
"Whereas the success of the
92-93 Academics Committee is
due to widespread participation
of SUS Council under the co-
co-ordinatorship of Terence
Fan, and
Whereas, as a First Year,
Terence Fan has shown that his
personal contribution to both
SUS Council and the
Academics Committee has
been outstanding,
Be it moved that the
Academics Committee for the
92-93 Academic year be renamed the Terence Fan Club."
Proposed Amendment: Moved
Roger Watts, Seconded Janice
add to the existing motion:
"...and the entire remaining
Academics budget be
committed to going out and
buying Terence a good biting
sense of sarcasm."
Amendment ruled out of
Original motion carried.
7. Moved Lica Chui, Seconded
Janice Boyle,
"That the Trike Race dikes be
donated to the Kiwassa
Neighbourhood House
Academics: Mtg Thurs, Feb 11,
in SUS; nominations for TEA
close on 10th; Anita
disappointed she's now co-
coord of Terence Fan Club.
AMS: No mtg this week; exec
take office on 17th.
Publications: 432 half
distibuted, rest this pm.;
EROTIC haiku: 3 lines with 5,
7 then, 5 syllables, deadline:
Monday; next paper out the
Finance: Statement "Almost in
hole!" "No Mistakes"; why so
bad? Whyne and Cheese, 1st
yrs open house not in last
year's spending; SciWk. not on
this statement; Attn all clubs:
all departmental clubs get $4
per graduating student, get
appl. from Pat.
Social: Only $165 left! No
Class Bash?; Bookings Lineup: Mon 8th, let Rog know if
you need space.
Sports: n/r
Senate: Chris Woods new
senator, Apr. 1.
Sales: Someone broke in,
damaged jacket, stole E's.
Employment: Periodical from
major companies in Graeme's
box Friday.
Astronomy Club: 15 people to
Washington, look at stars, then
BPP: Pizza/pop mixer IRC Fri
12th; bzzr garden right before
No Class Bash
BioSoc: Seminar, pool party
Feb 12th, SUB Arcade
CSC: n/r
CS3: n/r
Dawson: n/r
Geography Club: ski trip —
Big White weekend
Math Club: n/r
Micro Club: Orders for t-shirts
Pre-Dent: talk Thurs
Pre-Med: n/r
PSA: Romance on the 19th, and
Mass Murders on the 26th.
(Those are content lectures)
Physsoc: Voluntary donation of
couches, Math to Physsoc;
movie night- Wed 5pm - Holy
1. Moved Patrick Lum,
Seconded Laurie Yee,
"That the SUS accept the BPP
budget as presented."
2. Moved Patrick Lum,
Seconded Terence Fan,
"That the SUS accept the
BioSoc budget as presented."
Note: SUS maximum
contribution $750-850.
"That Ryan McCuaig be given
the fourth Science AMS seat
(which we get on February 17,
1993) for the remainder of the


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