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UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 28, 1990

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Array The"
Volume 3, ^utkSer 11    T2#E 9&W$TSVPT<JlJO!XjaW& \5rPUfDT^X5  TeSruary 28,19^0
Nominations open for
SUS Executive positions
by Aaron Drake
UBC-Nominations officially opened last
Wednesday for positions on the SUS
Executive Council. Any SUS member is
eligible to sit on council. Nomination
forms are available from Sandra Mah,
SUS Elections Commissioner, or atChem
The nominations close today.
The following positions are available:
President, External Vice-President, Internal Vice-President, Director of Finance,
Director of Publications, AMS Student
Council Rep, Sports Director, and Executive Secretary.
At press time, there was no information available about who was running for
what positions, but The 432 will provide
apullout section, next issue, featuring the
candidates, their wonderful pictures and
what, if anything, they stand for.
Although participation in SUS is high,
there have been past problems with filling or contesting positions for the Executive council. In the elections last year,
only three of the positions were contested, while two positions had no candidates at all. Eventually the uncontested
positions (Director of Finance, Director
of Publications) were filled, but it was
through appointment, and not election.
The presidency itself was not contested -
Ari Giligson won by acclamation.
Although the Ubyssey ran a letter that
rumoured Calvin would run for SUS
president, the allegation was denied by
v'v4 . ^"f"*^
The last two SUS Presidents: Todd Ablett and Caligula
Calvin. "It was never my intention to
run," Calvin sniffed. His running mate,
Hobbes, was characteristically silent, his
face covered by a tuna sandwich.
It is rumoured that Jeff Shantz plans to
make a bid for the presidency. Jeff Shantz
lost the election for the 1990-91 AMS
Presidency after failing to register. Although the issue are different, Shantz
admits that he will stay with "mosdy the
same platform.I'm still a biodegradable
candidate and I still intend to biodegrade
upon election."
Sniffy The Rat earlier made his intentions known that he wanted the position
of Executive Secretary, but withdrew his
nomination form after embarking on a
new piece of performance art. "I'm really
happy with my piece where I placed a
25kg brick above me and stood an artist
beside it. I thought it made a terrific
statement. Running for an SUS position
would have been another performance art
piece, but I've got an even better idea. My
next piece of performance art will be to be
eaten by a big snake."
Earlier this week, SUS received a
nomination form from Ben Johnson for
the position of Sports Coordinator, but it
was disqualified when the form tested
positive for steroids.
Geers stomp Arts Bash
Please recycle
this paper
SUB-The Arts Week Dance, held Friday
Feb 13, was marred by violence. In retribution for the Arts Week motto, "Geer-
Stomping Week", about thirty Engineers
stormed the dance at nine-o'clock.
Led by Scott Kent, playing bagpipes,
the intoxicated engineers crashed the gate,
causing pandemonium to break out. Two
engineers, carrying a six foot tall plastic
parrot, stormed the bandstand, and paraded the bird about the Ball Room.
The parrot was believed to be a Norwegian Blue.
Shortly after, the dance turned violent.
The RCMP were summoned to investigate an assault charge. A female engineer, approximately five-two, was alleged
to have smacked and bitten a drunken
man, approximately six-three.
In addition, two fights broke out over
the night. The security team, supplied by
Science, had their hands full keeping the
situation under control.
"It was pretty rough," said Security Guaird
Mark Hoenig. "We'd try and break up a
fight and we'd get clipped from behind."
Although Engineers were involved in
The 432
both fights, Hoenig believes that the EUS
was not solely to blame for the incidents.
"The Artsies were provoking the engineers. I wasn't suprised at all that there
were fights."
Security Guard Phen Huang admitted
that it was a good thing the engineers die
show up. "The engineers were the only
people there. There were a few others, but
there was no one there at all."
AUS Sales Rep Jenni Mott expressed
satisfaction with the dance. "It was all-
right. It could have been better, but it's
been better than the past."
While she admitted she didn't know
how the fights started, she wasn't surprised. "The fights happening wasn't so
great, but they were pretty drunk. We
expected the EUS to show up. We did
have the motto of Arts Week being Geer-
Stomping Week."
The entire Engineering Undergraduate Society was unavailable for comment
as they were all drunk and in jail.
The 432, c/o The Dean of Science, Room
1507 BioSciences Bldg., University of
British Columbia, Vancouver BC, V6T
Can Storm
The Wall save
With the year winding
down, Science trails in
both men's and women's
by Aaron Drake
With Storm The Wall fast approaching,
Science may have found its much-needed
"quick fix." As of Feb 1, Science was
trailing in both Men and Women's Intramurals points standings.
Science Men is second overall, 539
points behind Engineering. Science
Women, on the other hand, is behind both
Medicine and Nursing, but are only 343
points out of first and 222 points out of
Currently, Science Women is third
overall with 1700 sports points. Science
Men is second overall with 5908 points.,
with a comfortable lead over third-place
Arts Men, who have4211 points. Science
Women are being chased by Both Education and Arts, who have 1518 and 1493
points, respectively.
The gap can be closed by a strong
showing in Storm The Wall and good
turnouts for noon runs. The final standings for volleyball and hockey will help
as well.
Last year, Science Women won the
overall points standings for the second
year in a row. Science Men lost the title to
Engineering by a very narrow margin.
In other news, Physsoc, the defending Div II ball hockey champions, fought
to a 3-3 tie with Law. The team remains
unbeaten this term with a record of 2-0-1.
See page eight for more
details on Storm The Wall
February 28, 1990 rS**£;
r%* •■*<£*.
Storm The Wall is coming
I have to admit, underneath it all, l
enjoyed the snow fall. Okay, I grumbled
about it a little bit. It was cold, and it was
wet, but how often do we get that much
snow anyway? If we do, it certainly
doesn't last like it did this time.
Why did I like it? Because of the hill in
front of SUB, that's why. I wasn't the
only one, either. There were SUB trays
scattered all over the hill, like corpses in
a battlefield.
Those of you that have no idea what I'm
talking about probably won't understand.
If you sit on the tray, you'll go screaming down the hill and across the plaza. If
you do it just right, you'll smack into the
stairs at the other side of the plaza and
bruise yourself. After a while, the snow
on the hill turns to ice and it becomes just
as fun trying to get to the top without
falling on your butt. Second child hood
all over again.
Of course, second childhood implies
that you got out of your first childhood,
but bear with me for a bit. This is good. I
like reminiscing.
When I was about seven, there was a
mountain behind where I lived. It wasn't
that tall; I could climb it in an hour, which
I did frequently. The thing is, none of my
friends ever wanted to climb Fox Mountain with me. So I made up this story:
"You see, I'm climbing it because
there'sagiantcave up there! Insideareall
these treasure chests that the Nazis
guarded with tanks and half-tracks and
everything. There's skeletons of dead
Nazi soldiers and everything."
And they'dall say, "Wowwwww! Let's
go see it!"
"We can't! It's been lost for hundreds
of years. We've got to search for it!"
Funny how they never asked me how I
knew all this if it hadn't been known
about by anyone all this time. Nor did
they ever ask how Nazi tanks got to North
America, or even why they chose a cave
under a mountain in BC to hide their loot.
I couldn't answer the part about the cave,
but I had a sure fire response all ready for
the Nazi tanks in North America part.
"Aliens teleported them. Boy, you're
Why am I telling yOu this? The funniest
point it, that after about five or six "expeditions" up the mountain, I began to start
believing it myself, and pretty soon, I
forgot entirely that I was the one that had
made it up in the first place. So, when I
got older and wiser - at least ten - I
couldn't believe that I fell for that crap. It
was only a few years ago that I remembered that I had been the one that made it
There is a central theme: kids will believe anything. And they'll know what
they believe in isn't true, but they'll still
believe in it. Ask any ten year old, "Kid,
are there monsters in your closet?" The
kid will giggle and say, "No way, you
poopie-head!" He'll (oops, I mean he'll
or she'll) say that - in the daytime. But in
the night time? They'll lie in bed, shivering. They'll know that there are no such
things as monsters, but they're sure as
heck not going to check under the bed.
They won't even let their feet touch the
floor for fear of some slimy paw snatching a few toes.
My bedroom was on the top floor of a
BIG house. It was at least twenty feet up
there. At night, you couldn't get me to
look out it if you had told me that Santa
Claus himself was hovering in front of it.
No sir. I was petrified that if I did, I'd see
a sasquatch glaring at me, ready to eat me
How about that? I was sooooo sure that
some sasquatch would walk down off of
Fox Mountain (probably out of the Nazi
cave where it lives) into the middle of
town, and climb up my house just to stare
in the window at me. The best part of it all
was this - he couldn't touch me if I didn't
look. He could only eat me if I looked out
the window. Can you picture it? All night,
this poor hungry sasquatch would be hanging from my window sill, glaring in, with
the slight hope that I would forget myself
and look out the window at him. Then
he'd eat me.
These days, I find it hard to believe that
I was so afraid of all these monsters,
especially the ones behind my dresser. I
vividly remember the horror I faced each
night when I had to turn off the light and
dash for my bed. The rules of the game
were this: if you got in bed before the
monsters snatched you, you were safe, if
you put the covers over your head. How
horrid can a monster that's thwarted by a
simple quilt be, anyway? There it would
be, drooling behind the dresser, and it
would hear me come in. It would crouch,
tense and ready, it's leg muscles a coiled
spring. Its nose would wrinkle and twitch
as it felt fresh meat. CLICK! The lights
would go off and it would spring, growling at a low murmur, foam flying from its
blood encrusted lips. The prey in flight, it
would close quickly over the short space
between the light switch and the bed. It
would let out a horrendous roar and leap
at the terrified prey. Then...
The monster would bellow in rage.
"Damn! Damn! Damn! He made it to the
bed again! Damn! I'm never gonna eat
this kid! It's not fair! Hey kid! Stick your
head out from under the covers just once.
C'mon! This isn't fair!"
Tough monsters. Right
The monsters in the basement were
tough. They'd attack even if the lights
were on. They just couldn't get you if you
ran down into the basement as fast as you
could, got what you wanted, and ran out,
and didn't look back. I'd take the stairs
four at a time getting out of that scary
basement, with the drooling slimey hairy
beasts reaching for my throat My mom
would always scream at me "Walk up
those stairs!" Sure mom; you go into the
basement, if you're so brave. I notice that
you always sent me to get the hamburger
out of the freezer.
Then they built me a bedroom in the
basement. That was horror unmentionable. There would be the monsters behind
my dresser and the bad-asses in the basement. At nine years old, I knew I was a
The worst of it, though, was that they
had put a closet in my bedroom in the
Teaching Awards in the faculty of science
To promote a greater appreciation for the importance of m& to
acknowledge outstanding contributions made in teaching*
three members of the Faculty of Science will be selected to receive awards of $5000.00 each.
Those eligible to be nominated for these awards are fall-
time faculty members appointed on or before My lt 198$ in
any of the Faculty's departments* The following criteria will
be taken into consideration when making the selection:
1) Development of course material
2} Presentation
3) Innovative approaches to teaching methodology or
4) Responsiveness to students* intellectual and personal
5) Ability to motivate students md stbiiulate critical
6) Sustained teaching excellence
Nominations for these awards may be submitted by science
faculty* students* or alumni Each nomination must be accompanied by a statement summarising the accomplishments of
the nominee. Supporting evidence may also be submitted with
the statement
Teaching performance will be assessed by a committee
appointed by the Bean of Science, fa arriving at their final
selection, members of the committee may attend lectures,
laboratory session^ .^..toiodal&Tli^.^ay interview the candidates, .their peers and students enrolled in then; courses, and
they<may examine course ntaterM.
'Nominations should be submitted by March 9>1990 to:
David Holm, Chairman
Committee on Teaching Awards
Dean*s Office
Faculty of Science
basement Monsters have four natural
habitats. Under thebed,behindthedresser,
in the basement, and in the closet. I was
being attacked from all four fronts. Once
those lights went off, boy, I was under
those covers and I didn't come out for
What is it about the closet monsters that
made them so stupid, anyway? It was so
easy to neutralize them. They could only
kill you if you left the door to the closet
open. But if you closed the closet, they
couldn't get out! How dumb do you have
to be to not know how to open a sliding
closet door that doesn't even have a latch
on it?
I never had the ultimate monster
weapon, though: the nightlight I thought
nightlights were for weenies that were
afraid of monsters that didn't exist Besides I didn't wamt to see the monster
when it closed its paws around my throat.
But light killed all monsters, didn't it?
Now that I think about it, they were all
pansy monsters. None of them could stand
up to a good 60 watt GE frosted bulb.
Monsters closing in? Simple. Rick on a
light, and they flee back to under the bed
or whatever.
They were all wimps (excepting those
in the basement I mean, if even mom was
afraid of them. thev had to be bloodthirsty
killers). Not once did I ever read in the
Province, Eight Year Old Eaten By
Monster Under Bed, or Terror From
Window: Child Mutilated By Lurking
Bigfoot They had a pretty bad rep, sure,
but they were just bags of wind.
I'm older now. Monsters don't exist
any more. I don't have a closet anyway.
When I shut off the light and run to my
bed, it's because I'm cold. Really.
But I'm sure that David Strangway is
under my bed.
Aaron Drake respects the fact that
no one on council wants to pay
him a salary for being the editor of
The 432, and denies hiding in
council member's closets at night
making guttural noises. David
Strangway really isn't under his
bed. Aaron Drake has a futon and
it has nothing to do with the fact
that monsters can't lurk underneath
futons. Really.
"/ know well what I am fleeing
but not what I am in search of."
-Michel de Montaigne
The 432
February 28,1990 Storm The Wall is coming
I'm sure you've heard of the Bible. I
was interested to discover that in the
same section ("Sundry Laws" or some
such) that prohibits having sex with animals and the like, are rules which forbid
the cutting of one's hair and/or beard and,
most mysteriously of all, prohibit people
with birthmarks from associating with
people who have limps or flat noses. I
don't pretend to understand these proclamations, but it's funny how they never
get mentioned when people say that the
Bible condemns homosexuality or other
"immoral" behaviour. It's a sure bet that
those peoplecut their hair and their beards
(if men).
Anyway, all that has nothing to do
with what I'm going to talk about today:
Graduation. I know that most of you
aren' t even thinking about it. For many of
you, it's probably several years off. I, on
the other hand, recently realized that the
day when I get that diploma stuffed into
by Derek
my hand and am cast off into the endless,
seething black sea of The Real World is
rushing up quicker than the Concorde in
a power dive. My mind says one thing to
this: "What?!"
You see;, I haven' t really been preparing for this. When I decided to get a
degree in marine biology three years ago
it was somewhat arbitrary: I hated math
and physics (not the concepts, just the
dealing with numbers parts), so astronomy was out, and those Jacques Cousteau
specials on TV were things that I had
always loved. So marine biology it was. I
don't regret the decision, but in the ensuing years it became obvious that unlike
engineers and law students and pre-med
people, marine biologists don't have their
futures well laid out in front of them.
I could work on a fish farm, but, well,
I don't want to be a farmer and, to be
honest, I have never taken a course on
fish. (It's true.) I could go into grad school,
but I haven't found anything specific
enough that interests me enough and I
really don't want to be studying, say,
swimming behaviour in sea anemones
for the rest of my life. Plus, there's two
years for an M.Sc, another four or so for
a Ph.D., then postdoc, and then maybe I '11
get hired as an Assistant Professor somewhere. I'll be about 30, at least. It will be
about the turn of the century. No thanks.
So what does that leave? Finding a job?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha.
The first and most obvious option is
working in my field. With a B.Sc, that
seems to mean being a lab technician or
research assistant or something of the
sort That usually means washing a lot of
glassware or doing a lot of other grunt
work. And the pay sucks. And the opportunities for careeradvancementare pretty
slim unless I find something while doing
grunt work that inspires me to go to grad
school. I already talked about that.
So what else is there? In case you
haven't noticed, the Canada Emplyment
Centre doesn't exactly have a lot of
postings saying JOBS IN MARINE
BIOLOGY! NOW! (I did see one of
those once, but it was for research on the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in California and
was temporary.) If you're a chemical
engineer or a B.Comm. student - or even
if you're in computer science - you've got
it made there. But marine biology? Ha!
So I could work at Science World like I
did last summer. For seven bucks an
hour. To deal with screaming kids who
want to find the washrooms. When most
of the rest of the staff got the jobs without
even majoring in science. Double ha!
I finally decided to do the only thing
left that seemed reasonable: put off the
evil day (or POTED, as my high school
math teacher used to say) by taking more
school. Not grad school, mind you. Creative Writing. Yup. Mr. Marine Biology is
going off to take the Diploma in Applied
Creative Non-Fiction from the Creative
Writing department, in (shudder) Arts.
And then what?
I don't need to think about that right
now. It's a couple of years off.
liology (Botany, Zoology, ate)
Am$ Oo®ao®praphy Qirads
Buy your TIX soon for the
Graduation Dinner Dance
2? AjpirtHs ?s3§ pro, VaKDD<MMBPWWP
$30 each $55 pmt
For info call 228-6046 (Hot) or
980 3970
Answers to That's
Trivial, from page
2. Bobby Hull
3. Bjorn Borg
4. Lacrosse
5. Rabbit Punch
6. Philadelphia Flyers
7. Art Ross Trophy
8. Roger Bannister
9. Volleyball
10. Ping Pong
11. Phil. Flyers
12. Red, green, blue, yellow,
13. Hank Aaron
14. Skydiving
15. Daryll Sittler
16. 3 inches
18 440 yds
19. Yvan Cournoyer
20. Joe Louis
BQ: 200
"I just solved the parking
problem. I bought a parked car."
Henny Youngman
Derek Miller will find a fulfilling and successful career as a
freelance microwave interior
decorator. He will marry a nice
girl from Spuzzum, have two
and a half-children and die
when a chunk of frozen sewage falls from an airplane and
kills him while he is vacationing in Red Deer, Alberta.
Or not.
BIOSOC Needs You if
you're interested in being
part of a dynamic executive
for the 1990/91 year. Contact the HUT, 228-6046, 980-
Special Event!
'The ¥n-(Medkat Society 'Presents...
Medical Facilities
during Disasters
Vancouver n long uveni« for
(hot UKj earthquake that
everyone is predicting... Ud,
when that earthquake tuiket,
are we prcparal to handk aU
the possible casualties ihtil
will result? Or will they be
left to die under the nan
During that lidmonLon tornado,
was the medical facilities
How many cagultics owi|
hospitals in Vancouver
Find out In this
informative & exciting
special event!
| Coming Very Soon II
Tuesday, March 13th in IRC WOOD
1 at 12:30. Free for members.
March 6th, 1990 at 12:30 - PLASTIC
SURGERY by Dr. Snelling in IRC
HEBB FROM 9:00 TO 4:00.
by Ari Giligson
As the school year winds down
over the next few months, the big
focus at SUS will be the upcoming
elections. There are, however, some
other very important dates and
events coming up that I would like
you to keep in mind besides the
obvious dates of elections (March
Feb 26 - registration begins for
Storm the Wall. This is the largest
intramurals event in Canada. Teams
of highly skilled competitors and
teams of highly unskilled people
run this relay which has become
somewhat of an institution at this
Remember: register early for
good T-shirts and register under
"Science." Science men are just
behind the engineers and women
need a real push to keep the top unit
trophy for the third year in a row.
March 1 - dental appointment
10am (whoops -how did that get in
March 9,10,11 - UBC Open House
- lots of departments in Science
need volunteers to look after
displays and such - also UBC is
looking for general volunteers for
Kiosks and to roam the streets (you
get a free T-shirt).
March 22 - SUS Annual General
Meeting, 1:30pm. Come see the
teaching excellence awards handed
out, come see executives give
awards to deserving SUS members.
Come see me conduct exciting SUS
business (there will be munchies).
SUS members only.
March 30 - Last Class Bash. Bzzr is
- get this - only fifty cents. Need I
say more? Get your tickets right
away. Last year, "a good time was
had by all." SUS sold out of tickets,
and scalpers were getting as high as
ten dollars at the door for them.
This is THE bash for Science.
Also watch for the Science Sports
Awards Banquet.
On March 1st, at 10am, Ari goes
under the drill at his dentist's
office. We understand that he will
be receiving general anesthesia and
that if he is given too much anesthesia, he will become a vegetable,
if he wakes up out of his coma.
Negotiations are currendy under
way. Stay tuned.
The 432
February 28,1990 Storm The Wall is coming
Questions For Dan Quayle
by Aaron Drake, and the nameless who have contributed so far
Why do they call them blackboards? They're green.
Is there a grocery cart fairy?
Every grocery cart has a wobbly
front wheel. And it's the front right
one. Always! Some little elf comes
in at threee in the morning and takes
his magic hammer and smashes the
front wheel, I bet.
Why is it that, on commercials,
we get up out of our chair and check
out what's in the fridge. Well, no, it
doesn't sound that strange, but it
does get strange. We'll go sit down
and on the next commercial, we'll
get right back up and check out the
fridge again. Has the fridge fairy
filled it since the last time we
checked? The same food is there. It
hasn't mutated into a pizza. Close
the door, for Pete's sake.
Why is everything for Pete's
sake? Why do we do things for the
love of Mike? I don't even know
him. I don't care if he loves me or
Elevators don't understand anxiety. They don't know when you're
in a hurry. Listen to me: stop pushing the button one hundred times.
It's not going to come any faster.
Why is it that every time we drop
a letter in the mailbox, we always
reopen the lid to see if it went down?
Is it possible that some letters have
independent wills and will cling to
the lid, refusing to be mailed? Come
And those places that sell organic
foods. Is there any other kind? What
would an inorganic food be anyway?
Baked marbles?
Greenland is more white than green,
I think.
Why do they call it Club Med? My
mom went on one of their vacations
and she's not a doctor. Not only that,
I wasn't in the Mediterranean; it was
in Mexico.
Where were the Travelling
Willburys going to anyway?
Do the Rolling Stones gather any
moss? Hahahahahahah. Can Mick
Jagger french kiss a moose? Hahahahahahah.
Engelbert Humperdinck. Apparently, that' s his stage name. He picked
it. He picked that name to go on his
albums. Engelbert Humperdinck.
VvTiy would anybody choose to be
called Engelbert Humperdinck?
Usually people pick stage names that
sound betterthantheirreal ones. Good
grief, what could sound worse than
Engelbert Humperdinck? Oral
Roberts. There's one. Or anyone
named Gus.
Uh-oh. Questions For Quayle is
running into the ground. Know
why? Cause we're running out of
questions. So send in afew. Please.
You could win a T-shirt.
The world according to Treot
By Mookah Hammer
Somewhere within this issue of the
432 is a copy of this years new and
improved Black & Blue Review questionnaire. By filling out this easy to use
form and returning it to the SUS office
(CHEM 160) or any academics Committee member, you will be doing a service
to other students.
Few people, other than those involved
with SUS, truly know what the academics committee is. The burden has been
placed on my shoulders to inform the
The academics committee is a group
of science students and is comprised of:
the science student senator, all year and
department reps and the internal vice
president of the SUS.
Each of us was chosen throughout the
year via elections so that each of us represents different fractions of the science
student body. We are the slaves of the
SUS council. They force us to make
posters and post posters. We are coerced
into making in-class announcements and,
worst of all, to attend SU S meetings (
having to listen to Ari talk, let alone
being in the same enclosed room with
him for one hour, is a chore only the
damned should be forced to undertake).
Every Tuesday at 5:30, in CHEM
160, the academics committee holds its
meetings. The academics committee has
four main goals.
1) Gather information for the publishing of the Black & Blue Review.
2) To hear student complaints about
academic stuff.
3) To attend Faculty meetings.
4) To award the Teaching Excellence
The B&B Review and the T.E.A. have
all been mentioned before in other issues
so I won't waste your time more than to
say that if you have an exceptionally
good prof, nominate him for the T.E.A..
And while you're at it make sure you fill-
out a B&B evaluation for all the science
courses you are now taking and return the
form to CHEM 160.
As a student committee we have no
power to enforce academic standards but
we have access to those who do. A
studentignorantoftheirrights, in voicing
their complaints, can be swept over by a
wave of bureaucracy andtheircomplaints
maynotbeheardoractedon. Thecorrect
inquires to the right people can do a world
of good and we know who to talk to. If a
number of complaints are heard by us
about the same problem, the complaints
will have more weight and we can focus
those complaints and let them be heard by
those who can solve that problem.
Remember, numbers count!
Science students are represented at
Faculty meetings by the student year and
departmentreps. We actually have a vote
at these meetings and our voices are heard.
Our input is actually wanted by the faculty. We vote on curriculum changes and
other faculty things with the exception of
Professor's tenure and the granting of
Degrees and diplomas.
The next Faculty meeting is Feb. 28.
Proposed changes for next year's calendar are posted in CHEM 160 for your review. There are changes involving
courses, or prerequisite requirements in
Atm.Sci., Biology, Geography, Math and
Oceanography. Special note to the 25
:students of Atmospheric Sciences: There
iis a proposal to offer a M.Sc. degree in
;your specialty.
Please remember that we are your
committee. Any ideas will be graciously
accepted and considered.
Please fill out one column for every different science course you take by placing the rating number in the spaces provided. If you have
more than one prof for a course, fill out for as many as necessary. Please drop this off in Chemistry 160.
l=Strongly Agree 2=Mildly Agree 3=Neutral 4=Mildly Disagree 5=Strongly Disagree
1.   The instructor's notes and diagrams were legible and useful.
2.   The instructor explained ideas and theories clearly.
3.   The instructor made this subject interesting to me.
4.    I found the pace of the lectures comfortable considering the
level of difficulty of the course.
5.   The instructor was approachable and was available for
6.    I would recommend this instructor to other students.
1.    The assignments/labs/tutorials were helpful for a complete
understanding of the course material.
2.    The course required a significant amount of effort.
3.    The prerequisites for this course provided me with an adequate
4.   The course required a large amount of memorization.
5.    I would recommend this course to other students.
t!o       fc!o       5fo       ¥ o
CLO       D-O      Q.O      O-O
2 o      2 o      2 o'     8 o      2 o      2 o
Q- O       0. O       Q. O       Q_ O       0_ O       O-O Get your teams together for Slorm The Wall!!
First Years...
Second Years...
Third Years...
Fourth Years...
...Learn that 1/2 hour of sleep is all you
need before the exam.
...Realize that what you learn at four in
the morning is the most important, so
do not sleep at all before an exam
...Realize that what you learn at four in
the morning is the most important, so
wait until then to begin studying.
...Realize that what you learn at four in
the morning you will never remember,
so they get a good nights sleep and fail
the exam. But they feel refreshed.	
...Know the importance of a good lunch
so they have mom make them a full
meal with a thermos and finger sandwiches and plums.
..Know that Pit-Burgers are just as
nutritious as wheat-germ, maybe, and
besides, they're of age
...discover Yum-Yum's
...realize that Food Services is out to
suck their wallets dry, so pack their
own lunches with a thermos and finger
sandwiches and plums
..Think Intramurals is a collection of
hidden paintings.
...Figure Intramurals Sports could be a
good thing, if it didn't interfere with
their classes, because, THIS year it's
gonna be nothing but first classes.
...Know that the honour of the volleyball team takes precedence over a
midterm because you can always take
the course over again
...Know that because their marks are so
lousy, the only chance they'll ever have
at fame is if some NHL scout sees them
making awesome plays on the ball-
hockey rink.
...Think that a First Class is their 8:30
Biology 102. They attend all the first
term and three second term classes.
...Realize that Profs take the fact that
the class begins at 8:30 into consideration when assessing final standings.
...Realize that 8:30's are for keeners and
people who didn't have anything better
to do last night than sleep.
...Attend all 8:30 classes bcause they're
in room 302, which has big chairs and
it's easy to fall asleep in them.
...Know that homework counts for ten
per cent and they'd better get it in fast i
they want to graduate with honours.
...Know that homework counts for 10
per cent and they can skip it and easily
make it up on the mid-term.
...Would have done the homework if
they could remember what section
they're in.
...Know that homework is worth an
easy ten per cent and copy it off of the
Pre-Med Four-Eyes in the front row.
Are going to graduate with a degree in
Physics CompSci Honours and go into
Harvard Law School. They will
become Prime Minister, if not God.
...Are going to graduate with a reasonably high average in Honours Physics
and do grad studies at Berkeley. They
will win a Nobel prize.
...Will Major in Physics and kick ass,
because they just found out that only
third and fourth year courses count for
their final grade standing.
...Will graduate. Maybe. If they pick up
a year in Unclassifieds, an M.B.A.
could get them a job in the mail room
at IBM.
...List High School Student Council
Position on resume.
...List Student Painters under "Work
...List courses under "Related Experience."
...Lie through their teeth.
...Sit in the Sedgewick Lounge and
discuss how boring Econ 100 was
today. They highlight their class notes.
...Sit in the SUB Cafeteria, reading the
first chapter that was assigned four
weeks ago. They wonder if it's too late
to switch over to 2'oology. They
wander about campus wondering about
...Discover Main Library and waste
many hours browsing through microfilms of the 1944 London Times. They
get lost in the Q section and spend the
...Sit their chairs in front of a Main
bookshelves and mutter incomprehensibly under their breath. They pull books
out at random trying to find out what
the hell a second-order coupling tensor
is. Thev never find out.
...Read about sex in their Psych 100
class and want to try it out "to see if
there's anything to it."
...Hang around the Psych building to be
the first to take a sexual questionnaire
and get paid for it. They lie about their
exploits, and hope their friends ask
what they wrote down.
...Get a steady and do not show up to
classes for a month. They always grin.
...have neurotic dreams of sex during
the MCAT. Sex is scheduled for after
the problem set is done. Men go into
deep funks that last until the mid-term
is over. Women bury themselves under
mountains of books and growl.
...spend their Friday nights beside a
keg. They think Spuds Mackenzie is
man's best friend. They drink until they
slip into a coma. They write exams
while in the coma.
...Spend their Friday nights at bars.
Men go downtown to stare up at naked
dancing women . They scream loud
noises until the bouncers ask them to
leave. Women stand in long line-ups to
the Pit, until it's time to go home. Men
go to the Pit and stare at clothed
dancing women. They scream loud
noises until the bouncers ask them to
...Gather nuclear groups of friends,
male and female. They play Pictionary.
If they don't have a VCR, they ski.
After they ski, they all get drunk. The
men hit on the women. The women
giggle and make fun of the men. The
men throw up in private. They all laugh
about it in the morning.
...Sit on wide couches and stare at
blank walls. Eventually they fall asleep
and dream about trigonometric functions.
...sleep on their backs and snore until
their roomates beat them with a
hammer. They dream of sex, having
just read about it.
...Believe that sleep is an addiction that
can be beaten. They sleep until noon,
anyway, unless they have 11:30
classes. Then they sleep until 1:00.
Some More Otherwise Incomprehensible
...Get their own apartments and realize
that they are paying good money for it,
but spend most of the time there
sleeping in it. They choose to sleep in
class instead.Men dream they are
taking notes. Women dream their
friends are taking notes for them.
...Fall asleep on their notes. Men drool
out of the corners of their mouths.
Women drool out of the corners of their
mouths, but say it was their boyfriend.
They dream of graduating. They wake
up in cold sweats and burn their notes.
by Aaron Drake
Angular Velocity
Conservation of Charge
Cross Section
Dual Space
Hippocratic Oath
Java Man
Killing Vector
Lorentz Contractions
Square Root
-Speed of a fishing lure
-Vector that points both ways
-What Noah got on sunny days
-Member of Curling team
-Prudent use of a credit card
-Disgruntled neighborhood
-A boring song
-What's on de end of de donkey
-Boxing ring
-An obsession with googols
-A broken promise
-Early ancestor of Juan Valdez
-A Poynting Vector that is poyiiting right at
-Final stage of Childbirth
-Settling the Northwest Territories
-The act of electing a socialist government
-Physicist's family tree
-Succesfull playwriter
-Swedish car
Ste S3©sd qbAeidoifBBIII
Science    ^
Can you run a four minute mile?
Is Jamie Astaphan your personal physician?
Do you swim like Alex Baumann?
Are you or have you ever been a bicycle courier?
Are you able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Sign »j» in Ckem 160 or call ZU-4Z3$
The 432
February 28,1990 Get your teams together for Storm The Wall!!
■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ a
•Roots Round-up
Thors. Mar. 15
UBC Sub. Ball.
A benefit for black S. African
by numerous Physsoc geeks
1. Nature abhors an empty laundry
2. In order to make something clean,
you must make something else dirty.
3. Any ordered set of n pairs of matching socks will spontaneously decay to a
random set of unmatched socks.
4. Garments exist in two states:
(a) that which will shrink
when washed, and
(b) that which attracts lint
of all colours.
5. Lint is not conserved; it can be
produced in infinite supply by any
piece of laundry.
6. Laundry piles can only be cleaned up
before they attain a volume determined
by the equation:
V =3c2/V
Quill's Laws
by Aaron Drake
1) The rate of loss of pens and pencils
is exponentially proportional to the
number of pens in a given area.
N(t) = N0e-rt
Corollary: Pens and pencils are migratory creatures.
2) If a pen is not lost it will break. If a
pen does not break, it will leak. If a pen
does not leak it will dry up.
3) The probability that a pen will leak
is directly proportional to the value of
the clothing that it will leak on.
4) Erasers won't.
The Arkansas Legislature enacted a
law prohibiting the Arkansas River
from rising higher than the Main Street
Bridge in Little Rock
In Seattle it is unlawful to carry a
concealed weapon longer than six feet
in length.
Lakefield, Ontario passed a noise-
abatement bylaw that restricted birds
to sing for thirty minutes during the day
and fifteen minutes at night.
In Quitman Georgia, it is illegal for a
chicken to cross the road.
o, where Vo is the
volume of the hamper
Beyond this threshold they continue to
grow exponentially in size until the
owner moves out.
The432 i&a SUS-fandcuJfagth^wa^s'
the minds of alt of the 4000 students that
.read it The432 comesowtwiceainoriti.
and always on Wednesdays, Why? Why
not? AU«»t^al is copyrighted in the
name of the author. IfHftsarafcis affixed,
tbeo the article is t^vjjgfeted m ft®
nameof Aarofltfcrakfc. GMtatowswhy.
That's Copyright 1985fc, w &m mm of
the author or Aaron Gfc&ke*. 1st anyone
lining out thews?
that's the way it was, VoUwae % Jss»e
11, Wednesday* February 28, I$9&
Editor: Aaron Drake
Writers, and Contribafors (in mm*
alphabetical order): David "BbhkT
New, Derek^Steggft** Mtter, Aaron
"JOocksJ" Dral^Tretit^aeir Siansaer,
Orvin "Morally* l^Ari^lggfes*
Giligson* Andrew *B*^es*$8orT
Hodgsoner, Kris **3fig Kong* Kurtz
Artfets: Patrick "PiekleS* bedding.
Ken "Sea" Otter, Aaron Tteasso*
Layout and Pasteap: Aaron "JPay-
J>rake,Weiig-¥«w Wong, Caireen
Hanert, others wno Mpedontbut
these credits were written up before
they crawled oat of &$ woodwork;
Special thanks toFatrick Bedding for
his st&y duel:. Paddy, taat*s the
goofiest looking ducfcbn earft, 1 love
it. j
by Kris Kurtz
This year, Storm The Wall should be a great event, and I
expect everyone out for it! As I write this, we are working
on rebating the first teams that register, so get your registration in early. Registration starts Feb 26.
Register now for the Softball Tourney I (until March 9), Cycle
Sprints or Circuit (until March 2) and the Mountain Bike Trail
Race (until march 2).
Stop by the office if you have any questions or want to find out about
the noon runs.
Big Major Admittance of Being A
The Editor of The 432 announces that he is a goof, in accordance with a promise he made earlier this week. Credit due
where credit was due was not given and the Editor would
like to correct the undue credit thing and let all know that
the following were not listed in the credits of the last issue.
Consulting Editor: Elizabeth-Anne Brown
Artist: Patrick Redding
The Editor apologizes for any inconvenience occured and
asks that certain individuals please now refrain from calling
him a goof.
I Hate...
by Antonia Rozario, Aaron Drake
...People who do their assignments in pencil
and you can't photocopy them.
....Profs who try to lecture while you're
trying to read The 432
...First years that ask you to help them with a
Chem 110 problem and you can't solve it.
....Second years that smugly solve them.
...It whenever I wear a tie, everyone asks,
"Where's the funeral?" Get a job, buddy.
...People that think they can get a better job
if they have "Member of Poster Committtee"
on their resume.
...Listening to CITR then listening to the
toilet flush and not being able to tell the
That's Trivial
by Andrew Hodgson, token engineer.
Tanya Rose is in a coma this week, so
I'm taking her place. This week, our
subject is Sports.
Theme: Sports
1. How many players are there on a
rugby team?
2. Which NHL player was clocked as
the fastest player?
3. Who was the first tennis player to
win five straight Wimbledons?
4. What is Canada's national sport?
5. What is the boxing term for a punch
that lands on the back of the head?
6. Who were the Broad Street Bullies?
7. What trophy goe sto the NHL
leading scorer?
8. Who first broke the four-minute
9. In what team sport does each player
play all positions?
10. What sport uses the lightest ball?
11. Name the first expansion team to
win the Stanley Cup.
12. What are the five colours of the
Olympic rings?
13. Who holds the record for most
home runs?
14. In which non-mechanical sport
have the participants attained the
highest speeds?
15. Who holds the record for most
points in a NHL game?
16. What is the official diameter of a
hockey puck?
17. How many warmup pitches is a
relief pitcher allowed?
18. How longs is the track in drag
19. What NHL player was nicknamed,
"The Road Runner?"
20. Who is Joseph Barrow?
Bonus Question
How many laps are covered in the Indy
Our grateful thanks to Andy for
his pentrating commentary. Andy
spent many hours researching this
for us, when we were in a bind,
with Tanya unable to submit a
That's Trivial this issue. Andrew
came through in the clutch and we
are eternally grateful. Andrew
Hodgson will have a long and
fruitful life designing septic tanks
for the stars. He will fail all his
courses this term. God told me.
A Danville Pennsylvania bylaw
states that fire hydrants must be
checked one hour before all
The 432
February 28,1990 Get your teams together for Storm The Wall!!
To all science
From Orvin Lau, Senator-elect
for Science
The Black and Blue Review is out!!! Student representatives should be coming
around to most of the classes to hand out
forms. However, it is impossible to get a
form to everyone, because there are so
many different classes and also you may
have skipped the class when someone
came to hand out forms. In that case, just
pick up a form at the SUS office in Room
160, Chemistry Building. Please try to
return the forms as soon as possible,
preferably before Thursday, March 2.
The data we collect will be tabulated and
published in The Guide, which is sent out
to all science students annually.
Anothernews item: nominations are open
for the Teaching Excellence Award. If
you have a professor/lecturer who you
feel deserves some recognition for his/
her efforts, please: pick up a nomination
form at the SUS office and get it filled
out You only need ten signatures. Sorry,
but only professors and lecturers are eligible — no TA's.
Something new this year is that the Faculty has established their own award for
teaching excellence. The winner of this
award will be $5,000 richer. What the
SUS plans to do is submitted the top three
nominees of our Teaching Excellence
Award to the Faculty. So if you nominate
a prof, you could be nominating him for
both awards. Nominations for the faculty
award must be in by March 9, so get them
in quickly.
We really appreciate you taking the time
to fill out the forms and we all look
forward to getting as many responses as
we can. If there are any comments you
would like to make to the SUS about
either the Black & Blue or Teaching
Excellence Award, speak to one of the
year/departmental, representatives.
Orvin Lau, is our resident Frosh-
On-The-Move. Fill out a form or
he'll bite you.
PtroGDyDDgj PirBw®[r!
never drive alone
New Shoots
Today is, according to the Gregorian
calendar, in popular use throughout most
of the world, Wednesday, February 28th,
1990. In a couple of countries where the
Julian calendar is still in effect, it's already mid-March of the same year. In
Islamic countries, it's the early fifteenth
century; in Israel, it's well past the fiftieth: but in most of the world by far, it's
just a few years from the very end of the
second milleniuni.
Now, all agree that the end of the
second milleniuni is a rather momentous
event of some sort or another, whether
celebrating the two-thousandth anniversary of the birth of Jesus or just appreciating a trick of the math. All agree, too,
that the switchover to the third millenium
happens in an instant—everyone will be
sitting calmly in the twentieth century
one second, and very excitedly in the
twenty-first the next, presumably transformed into a reasonable facsimile of the
Jetsons and eating Nutri-Wafers® on rye.
The only controversy comes in
when trying to define that instant. Is it, as
many extremely loud people claim, at
midnight at the end of December 31st,
1999? Or is it, as many excruciatingly
loud people venture, at midnight at die
end of December 31 st, 2000?
Nobody will quibble with the idea
that the Instant occurs at the end of the
two-thousandth year. Before that time,
two thousand years have not yet elapsed,
and you're not celebrating anything
worthwhile. Well then, say the 2000ans,
clearly you have to look at the end of the
year 2000! Their usual argument runs,
Look! The first century ended at the end
of 100, right? When you're counting, you
finish your 100th number when you've
said 100, right? So the second century
ended after 200, the third after 300, so the
third millenium begins at the beginning
of 2001!
The 1999ers counter, Yes, but if
the 1000's are the second millenium, the
1900's are the twentieth century, and the
1990's are the two-hundredth decade,
then 1999 must be the two-thousandth
year! And besides, your age doesn't
change to fifty until after your fiftieth
year is done — so why should the year
change to #2000 until after the two-thousandth year?
No, no, lock, say the 2000ans, the
two things are done differently. Your age
has nothing to do with the year number.
A.D. 1990 is the 1990th year after Christ,
like 1990 B.C. was the 1990th before
(Here, the troublemakers run in.
Christmas is actually celebrated on December 25th because the pagan holiday
of Saturnalia took place from the 22nd to
the 28th of December — right after the
solstice, when the days started getting
longer again — and it was easier to convert pagans if your holidays coincided
with theirs. Jesus was actually born in
August of 4 B.C. I mean, come on, do you
think a baby would survive his first night
in a manger in the middle of winter? The
4 B .C, incidentally, is just because Bishop
Ussher goofed up when he officially set
what year it was Once and For All. So we
should celebrate the two-thousandth
anniversary of Jesus' birth in August of
1996, right? Right?)
Well, if you're traditional enough
or non-Christian enough to ignore that
suggestion, the new millenium is sure to
start at the beginning of 2000 or the
beginning of 2001, depending on whose
definition you believe more. (Yeah, that's
it Yeah.) But both can't be accurate
simultaneously — so which is right?
The answer to that one has to be
back somewhere in the year 0. As the
2000ans would have it, the first year of
A.D. was 1, so the 2000th is 2000, and the
new millenium begins at the end of 2000.
As the 1999ers see the situation, the first
year of A.D. is 0, so the 2000th is 1999,
and the new millenium begins at the beginning of 2000.
"But 0 is neither A.D. nor B.C.!"
you cry. "The 2000ans must be right."
Not quite. The 1999ers define 0 to be not
a year but a moment How, after all, could
the division between A.D. and B.C. be an
bpisode Nine: Millenium
entire year long? If that's so, then the
division between the second and third
millenium must also be a year lonj—the
division between the nineteenth and
twentieth centuries must be a year long
— the division between the decades of
the '80'sandthe '90'smustbeayearlong
— the division between 1990 and 1991
must be a year long.... The concept is
obviously ridiculous. "0" must havebeen
a moment.
So when was that Moment? There
was certainly a year called 0. We have
plenty of records from the Romans and
the Chinese which appear to have taken
place at the time.
Hmm. Was the Moment at the end
of the year 0, then? If so, the millenium
ends after the year 2000 — but you lose
symemtry. Suddenly the first year A.D. is
1, but the first year B.C. is 0. It's a
So what if the Moment was at the
beginning of the year 0? Then the
millenium ends after the year 1999—but
symmetry is broken again, in the other
direction. Worse yet, symmetry is broken
in the exact same manner—the year 1 on
one side, the year 0 on the other. And
there's absolutely no reason whatsoever
to advance one theory over the other.
Which side you break the symmetry on is
completely, entirely arbitrary.
Better far to ignore both, then.
Count the year 0 neither as being A.D. nor
as being B.C.
You could say it's neither of the
two, that it's an entire year which splits
time into two halves. An analogy on the
real number line might be that the year
zero goes from -1/2 to +1/2, traversing
those points which are closest to the
number 0. Then the year 1 incorporates
those points which are closest to the
number 1... and the year 2000 covers all
the points closest to the number 2000.
That number 2000, itself, comes right in
the middle of the year 2000. At midnight
after the 183rd day—2000 is a leap year,
to further confuse things — at the end of
July 1st, 2000, the new millenium starts.
Well, maybe. It seems a trifle
Considernext, however, that business of 2000's being a leap year. In general, a year divisible by 100 isn't a leap
year — that's what distinguishes the
Gregorian calendar from the Julian. But a
year divisible by 400 is. Which makes
February 29th, 2000 a bit special.
Why, incidentally, is a leap day
added at the end of February? Well, because March used to begin the year —
that's why September, the ninth month,
begins with sept-, October with oct-, and
December with dec-. In the fifteenth
century, for seemingly no reason, that
honour suddenly went to January. England was the last country to switch, waiting until the mid-sixteenth century.
Anyhow, Leap Day was stuck in the most
logical place, onto the end of the year.
February 29th. (That's why February is
the shortest month, too—the year ran out
of days. Please, don't ask me why a
to make things more even. It's probably
to do with somebizarre mediaeval ritual.)
So perhaps we should stick the
Instant at midnight at the end of February
29th, 2000. It's the end of the year as
originally defined; it's partway through
the year as currendy defined; backdating,
it lets part of the year 0 be in each of A.D.
and B.C and it's a fairly special day
anyway, of its own right
It certainly beats out July 1st, and
strictly speaking, it beats January 1st and
December 31st, 2000, too.
So. Happy Ten-Years-Left-in-the-
Second-Millenium ... and, urn, why are
all these people arguing anyway?
David New will most likely be
your editor for a good portion of
the next year. He has edited the
1989/90 Summer Guide, and has
been a contributing editor to the
Hustler Letters Section. Ork,
ork, ork.
The 432
February 28,1990 STORM
Storm The Wall is comin
TTTTT      I
M/\RCH mi
4k i* Ol
6 People -for each -team
© - Sprint 400 m
© - ^uuim 300 m
© - run 1 km
@ - c\/cle  5 km
(§) - exTra  per son to climb U)Qll
© -  spare
PREREGI5TR/MI0H:Ft68-2fe * chimw
Sub tfc Wramoral
SUS Darts League opens
Chem 160-The SUS Darts
Ladder officially opened Saturday, February 17 amidst rampant
speculation of widespread drug
use. Nine participants threw their
hats into the controversial ring.
After initial jockeying for
position, Trent Hammer (4th
year Origami) assumed the top
of the board and is currently the
SUS World Darts Champion.
The standings, as of February
24, are:
SUS Darts Association
(SUSDA) Rankings:
Champion - Trente Hammer
Ranking Contenders:
1) Andrew Hodgson
2) Aaron Drake
3) Claudio de Los Rios
4) Scott Davidson
5) Asan Rice
6) Sanjay Parikh
7) Lloyd Jeffs
8) Don Hitchen
Science Darts Federation
(SDF) Rankings:
Champion - Trent Hammer
Ranking Contenders
1) Scott Davidson
2) Lloyd Jeffs
3) Aaron Drake
4) Claudio de Los Rios
5) Alan Price
6) Sanjay Parikh
7) Don Hitchen
8) Andrew Hodgson
The SUS Darts Ladder is open to
any interested players. Simply add your
name to the bottom of the ladder and
you may challenge any player on the
next level directly above you. If you
win, the challenged is entitled an immediate rematch. If the challenged loses
again, you assume his position and that
person drops a level. That is, you must
win two in a row to move up one level,
unless the challenged declines a rematch. AH matches take place in Chem
160, unless by agreement between the
two combatants. Any challenged parties must have a good reason to decline.
No person may challenge another person more than once per day. If a player
refuses two consecutive challenges (in
two days or more) from the same challenger, that player forfeits his position
to the challenger and must move down
a level.
The 432
February 28,1990


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