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The 432 Feb 26, 2002

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26 November, 2002
i ne Four Thirtf
1 tEUSnang*
ft   ***!
A joint publication of the Science and Engineering Undergraduate Societies
4  <  <  ,       .  / /
Campbell Sells Vancouver Island
Victoria (routers)
In the latest round of Liberal slash-
and-gash budget cuts, Gordon Campbell announced the sale of Vancouver
Island to Japan. "The small landmass,
which has become
increasingly isolated by BC Ferries'
consistent escalation of fare prices,
should make an
excellent addition
to the East Asian
nation", reasoned
the indignant BC
Premier, "the only
little complication
is all those government buildings we
forfeited, not that I
care, that whole damn
island is just full of
homeless   hippie  protestors
This comes immediately after what is
being called the largest protest in BC
history. Campbell dismissed the protest
as "only attended by seniors, natives,
students, environmentalists and the rest
of those
that if I
we'd all
be rich."
Previous job
Good riddance, at least I won't have to
spend so much time cleaning bong water
off my driveway".
Big Red Dot Appears on West Coast
apparently were not enough to balance
the budget to the Liberal's satisfaction.
As BC's remaining 8 teachers and 4 nurses have been deemed essential, Camp
bell's government has been forced to
look to less orthodox methods of raising
cash, including the elimination of subsidies for small northern communities.
"What have they done for this province's
fledgling economy, other than contributing tax revenue from alcohol and cigarette sales? I know just what I'll do, I'll
raise cigarette taxes. Then all those
hicks up in Hickville will all cry boo-
hoo!" Campbell stated on Tuesday from
his private PacifiCat luxury yacht, the
Gordonator II.
The surprise deal will net the BC economy a rumored 500 billion dollars, more
than enough to eliminate the 4.4 billion
dollar deficit as well as the 40 billion
dollar debt. However, Campbell says
that the surplus money will not be used
shore up all the public services that have
been previously slashed. "I already cut
taxes, what the hell else do you want me
to do? Klein can stick his oil money up
his ass, BC's got the big bucks now." In a
testament to Japanese bureaucratic efficiency they have already released a
schedule for the cultural normalization
required before Vancouver Island can
officially join the nation of Japan. Within two weeks the first beer and soiled
panty vending machines will be
installed in downtown locations. After
the first month the homeless population
will be enrolled in re-education camps to
transform them into high-stress multinational corporate executives. And six
weeks after the sale Godzilla will awake
from undersea hibernation to wreak
havoc on Victoria.
Campbell has promised that this sale [of
Vancouver Island] will bring BC to a
new age of prosperity and will be among
many changes he plans to make as his
legacy to the province.
Said Campbell, when questioned on his
satisfaction with his party's recent decisions, "I'm the king of the world!" as he
threw his arms up in victory while bracing himself against the cool pacific gusts
in the front of his PacifiCat yacht.
Russia Lodges
In a shocking and completely nprece-
dented move, the organizing committee of the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter
Olympics invented a new sport last
Monday and unilaterally awarded the
gold, silver, and bronze medals to the
United States team.
The new sport, "Bombing the Shit out
of Afghanistan", is a "bold new innovation in winter team sports," according to
Elder Jeremiah Young of the Salt Lake
City organizing committee. "It's just like
the biathlon really. Both sports are all
about running around in the wintertime
shooting at tiny far-away coloured targets..."
The Russian Olympic Committee has
registered a complaint with the IOC
against the American sweep of the new
sport. "Mother Russia has dominated
Bombing the Shit Out of Afghanistan
since the early 80's," said Sergei Jerkov,
Russian Olympic Committee president,
"We've been grinding the
Afghans into the dust for
decades and only now it
becomes a sport? Clearly
this is a North American
The Russian's have also
threatened to pull their
entire Olympic delegation
unless the judging is
reviewed. The scores for
the    new    event
few tenths
of a point behind the Ameri-
cans in Presentation.
The American team only
clinched the sweep of
medals after receiving
uncharacteristically high
marks from the French
judge. "I was under a lot
of le pressure. I was
under a lot of stress,"
claimed Claudette Gre-
nier. "Plus the CIA said
they would give me the
extremely close with the Russians only a     antidote if I gave the medals to the US."
Big Black Arrows Attack Afghanistan
Suck it USA
Suck it Long
*Ss*r*_W if
Editorial & Opinion ...2,3
Canada Wins Gold duh
WECC Conference 11
Old News 14
Science & Technology
Space Talk 10
Censorship 10
Good Vibrations 10
Kids' Games	
•• 6,7,9
 16 February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
Page Two
i ne Four Thirty
[ tEUSnams -
Dave Tsang
Duck Hunt Dog:
Dap Anderson
T-Shape Tetris Block:
Dan Ternes
Black Mage:
Jay Garica
Mega Man:
Jesse "Power Glove" Sherlock
Lana Rupp
Wade "Start" Cherrington
Cristina "Select" Green
Aralia "Button A" Rojhan
Cristina "Button B"
Missing from last ish:
Mark "Pippin" Switzer
(sorry we forgot you last time, we were drunk)
A/C Adaptors:
Dan "Metal Gear" Anderson
Anya "A" Andreeva,
Benee "B" Boileau
Frenchy (Matthieu Maftei)
Jay "SKATE OR DIE" Garcia
Rory "koopa" Johnson
Jo "poopa" Krack
Andy "High Score" Martin
Dave "8bit" Moore
Susan "Contra" Pendray
Jocelyn "Polygamy Power" Read
Jennifer "Blades of Steel" Ross
Jesse "Wesley" Sherlock
Christina "Coin" Solmonson
Melissa "Tecmo Bowl" Tan
Dan "Mushroom" Ternes
Andrew "Flower Power" Tinka
Ben "Level Warp" Tippett
Jonathan "Turtle" Toews
Dave "PVC" Tsang
Ben "Kid Icarius" Warrington
Graham "Last Fucking One" Zilm
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper is an
official publication of nobody. Bugger
off, we don't want to talk to you no
more. Your mother was a hampster,
and your father smelt of elderberries,
Now go, before I quote at you a second time.
Neither the EUS nor SUS accepts any
responsability for anything in here.
Tsang, Anderson, and a few others
had a bit too much fun one night and
after a trip to Wymyn's Wear, their
lives (and the futures of The 432 and
the nEUSpaper) were never the
same. The opinions expressed herein
suck ass. Ignore them.
The nEUSpaper adheres to the EUS
Publications Policy. The Four Thirty
tEUSpaper sure as hell doesn't, fuck
er. Yay, prOn. We welcome corre
spon'dence and submissions from all
readers, as long as you look good
naked and use glossy film. If you
want to advertise, fine. Email someone (like Dave Tsang or something):
Bored now.
Editorial Ravings pt. II
Ben Warrington
Ed Ible
The best art comes through
adversity. It seems to be the
same with me. My best writing
seems to occur when I am ranting about one thing or another.
It doesn't have to a big thing. It
just has to be something small
to set me off. Like tonight. I am
pissed off. I just got back from
driving in to the university to
work on this here paper where I
realised, of course, that I had
forgotten my keys. This wouldn't be so bad except that this
was supposed to be my last
ditch effort to put some work
into this paper before I rudely
bugger off tomorrow and leave
it all to everyone else.
Of course, if I had done the
work two days ago like I
intended, I wouldn't have had
to go in tonight anyway. It just
pisses me off more because it
was my own damned fault. To
make  matters worse,  I  was
passed on the right by some
retarded jackass who thought
that it was a good idea to try to
kill himself, and incidently, me.
It accomplished nothing, of
course, as he got stuck behind
the car in front of me. Finally,
the damned coffee shop wasn't
even open on my way back. So
now I sit here, time wasted,
dozens of things to do, nothing
musically, and perhaps more
importantly, they don't say anything. She repeats the same
short phrases and adds a bunch
of nonsense noise. I think the
look of bewilderment on the
face of one of the men in the
audience shot sums her up
nicely. The reason she has
nothing to say is because she
has lived a rich little girl's pam-
accomplished, caffeine withdrawn, and ranting about
inconsequential matters.
Two nights ago, I watched
Nelly Furtado on TV as she
played in the Olympic concert
Here is a counter example of
how adversity makes art. The
woman has a great voice, and in
the two songs where she uses it,
she shines. For the rest of her
music, however, she tries to
play the little hip-hop bitch and
fails miserably. Her songs suck
pered life. It is too bad that she
has  nothing   to   sing  about
because she really does have a.
good voice.
Look at Jewel on the other
hand. You may or may not like
her style of music, but you can't
argue that she is good at what
she does. Why is that? She has
dug ditches, lived out of her car,
and all sorts of other wonderful
things. She has something to
I am not going to continue
this line any further because I
am going to get into a lot of
trouble when somebody comes
up with an artist who has had a
reasonably good life, and yet
still does wonderful work. I'm
right because I say so, okay?
Besides, my anger is subsiding
now anyway. I think that I am
just going to watch television
for a while and say the world be
damned. That does mean that I
will be heading back in to campus much later to do what I
tried to do once already. Anger
returning. At least the parking
meters are free after 11. Anger
I just noticed the 32 pack of
toilet paper sitting on top of my
fridge. An interesting story: we
got that toilet paper from the
bottom rack of a shopping cart
in the parking lot at Safeway.
Some poor bastard paid for it
and then unintentionally
donated it to the Ben anti-
poverty fund. How nice. Ah
nostalgia. Anger gone.
Damn. I have run out of
things to write. Must get angry
again at something. Anything.
Its a Scary World Out There
Dan Anderson &
Dove Tsang
Twin Rings Combine:
Form of.. Editorial!
That's It ladies and gentlemen,
we are retiring. We are no
longer needed. There's so fob for
satire writers anymore. The
world is making a mockery of
itself. It's as is if all the news
agencies in the world have been
replaced by the Onion, Our headlines seem believable in comparison, it's so hard to compete with reality.
Case in point; Britain's recent invasion of Spain. On Monday
February iSth, 2002, the British Royal Marines
landed an invasion force onto a beach in a small
Spanish town near Gibralter. Confused villagers
informed the marines that they had just invaded
Spain, and the marines turned around and left. Of
course, one hour later, France surrendured.
The Russians are trying to compete in the international Olympic
flip-flop competition. Complaining and threatening to leave, listing unfair refereeing in the men's hockey game vs. the Czechs
(which they won) among their problems, and then backing down
when it looked like the IOC might call their bluff. I'd take the win
and run, personally.
Consider the insanity that is going on in the good oi' US of A. The
Bush administration is pushing for national military "mandatory
volunteerism". The Americans have also established an "Office of
Strategic Influence" in the Pentagon after the September 11th disaster, designed to "spread misinformation" and, "deliberately He", as
well as appointed a minister of "Homeland Defense". Never mind
that the term "Homeland" only has meaning in the context of an
empire. The dumbest president in American history is leading his
On Monday     either; CNN
country into an era that makes Orwell's Big Brother look like
Sesame Street's Big Bird. It all looks doubieplusungood.
Their jingoistic patriotism fueled orgy of unilateralism has
reached satirical proportions. The Americans have already reneged
on the Anti-Ballistic Missle Treaty with Russia, and have now
backed out of the long-standing promise not to engage non-nuclear
nations with the American nuclear arsenal. Now they're going after
arbitrary enemies just to maintain their wartime footing. The
American Media isn't doing much to help moderate public opinion
either; CNN's headlines last week read "Choke on THIS Saddam!".
The "War on Terrorism" - how do you declare war on
an abstract concept again? - has been waged now for
almost six months. In this time the US has succeeded
in killing 2-4 times the number of Afghan civilians
that were killed in the September 11th attack. Apparently "An Bye for an Eye"translates to "Your family and half your
neighborhood for an Eye" in Texan.
It becomes exceedingly difficult to satirize a president who nearly kills himself watching football and eating a pretzel while his
country is "at war". We're sure that the American media is hard at
work right now trying to link the snack food industry to Islamic
Bush himself is a source of unbelievably funny material, with
gems like "The United States and Japan have been partners in
peace for 150 years", and his brilliantly diplomatic "Axis of Evil"
declaration. With Bush pushing out these one-liners, we'll never
have to do another All-Your-Base joke againl He really is our best
writer, but strangely enough he never.comes.to pizza and bzzr
meetings. Maybe we should offer pretzels.
Write for us you
Edit for us too! <fixm
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Got a beef? Send your letters to the editor to nEUSpaper@mybc.com, or the432@hotmail.com
This would have been volume 7, issue 4 of the nEUSpaper, and volume 15, issue 11 of The 432 Page Three
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper - Opinion
February 26, 2002
Letters to the Editor
*tM%€ O.Ml ■***■ «*** * h'nMn ''
Dear Editor;
Recently, there have been discussions about nurses doing
medical tasks, such as physical
examinations and suturing, in
order to relieve pressure on
doctors (Sevunts, The Gazette
(Montreal), April 22, 2001,
p.A3 "Doctors debate merits of
sharing health-care load"). The
medical profession is looking to
relegate unwanted work to
nurses without considering the
Our primary concerns about
this issue are the redefinition of
the nursing profession and the
increased stress3 that* thif" $vill
place on individual nurses.
Nursing care is holistic, treating the basic human needs of
the person. As we all know,
these needs are more than just
physical and embrace social,
emotional and spiritual dimensions. The goal of nursing is to
empower each individual meet
his or her potential as a human.
We call this work caring, while
medicine focusses on simply
curing a specific ailment and
helping an individual solve
health problems. If one understands these fundamental differences between nursing and
medicine, one understands that
medicine should not delegate
its menial work  to  nursing.
Nurses are not junior doctors;
nursing is a unique profession.
We are spending four years in
university learning about how
to provide ideal nursing care,
and we do not want to wind up
substituting our core values for
being mini-doctors in the
workplace. Nurses go beyond
the call of duty to provide the
high quality of care that they
demand, and this causes
tremendous stress when self-
imposed standards are not
obtained due to workload pressures. It is no wonder that the
average nurse stays in the profession £os .three years,leaving.i
: due to burnout and dissatisfaction (Debra McPherson, pers.
comm., January 22, 2001).
Nurses are already doing non-
nursing duties due to the lack
of auxilliary support, and yet
the medical profession is asking us to take on more non-
nursing tasks? Considering the
current shortage of nurses and
their overburdened workload,
perhaps we should be asking
doctors to take on nursing
-Anya Andreeva,
Susan Pendray
and Christina Solmonson
University of British Columbia
Nursing Students
Olympics First Hand
Dan Ternes
Who would have thought
you could have so much
fun at Salt Lake City? At any
other time of the year you
wouldn't, but as they conveniently scheduled the 2002 Winter Olympics during Reading
Break, I had a blast. I feel sorry
for all of you out there who didn't spend all their hard earned
savings busting their asses down
to SLC to catch a few winning
Canadian hockey games. Studying... psh! Why study when you
could have seen the Women's
Gold Medal win! Of course,
some of you could have even
stuck around to see the Men's
final, but some of us (ie me) had
to come home to work on this
paper (curse you Dave and your
infernal paper!). Either way,
myself and three friends went
down to see the Olympics first
hand and it put a very positive
spin on what I once thought was
an over commercialized event.
We came down to the
Olympics having already
bought tickets to a couple of
events, but it turned out you
could pick up tickets from
scalpers for dirt-cheap. So on
our first night into town, while
we had planned on watching the
- Ga'riada-Finlandquarterfinal at
the bar, we ended up watching
the game in box seats for half
price! Not only that, but Lanny
McDonald, Tom Renney and
Silken Laumann were all in the
box next to us. And there were
drunk Finlanders in our box as
well who were the managers of
Finland's Gold medal winning
Nordic combined team. The
whole night was a surprise success and it took me hours to
wipe the smile of my face. That
was just the first of the winning
hockey games I saw at the
To get a taste of different
Olympic events we saw the Ski
Jumping portion of the Men's
Nordic Combined K120 Sprint.
This event was way more fun
than  I  would  have  thought.
Even without any Canadian
jumpers, we would yell at the
top of our lungs every time
someone would come flying out
of the jump and land shooting
past us at the bottom of the hill.
Ski jumping is a very impressive
sport to watch up close, I had
had no previous experience with
the sport, so it was really wild
watching those psychos hurtle
off the mountain.
The parking lot was about a
mile away from the ski jump
and you could take a shuttle bus
up to the venue or you could
walk the "Gold Medal Mile" up
to the stands. We walked the
mile and it.was covered with
signs telling us how healthy it
was to walk up to the top, but we
already knew that. What they
should have done, was put those
signs in the shuttle buses so all
those fat Americans that couldn't walk up a steady incline for
15 minutes would know how
lazy they were. I got a shiny pin
for walking up, but the best was
yet come.
We met a couple of drunks
from Ottawa and they were
there to seriously "represent"
Canada as true Hosers. While
wearing authentic flannel shirts
and those floppy eared hats that
complemented their mullets
was pretty funny; it was even
better when, as the TV camera
was panning overhead, they
stripped -down to their boxers
"just because it was so warm
standing on the sunny mountain top. All of a sudden everyone wanted to get their pictures
with them. Yes, Canadians were
very popular at the Olympics.
And you didn't even have strip
to your boxers to get attention
around SLC. My buddies liked
to parade around town wearing
their Canadian Hockey Jersey's.
Not only did people want to get
their pictures taken with us,
they would whisper behind our
backs "...are those the Gold
Medal winning hockey players?..." Like our hockey players
just wear their jerseys around
ALL THE TIME. And it's not
like Canadians had even played
their semi-final game at the
time. But I shouldn't really
make too much fun of the citi
zens of Salt Lake. The games
were very smoothly run and
everyone was super friendly.
Though, there did seem to be a
disproportionate number of
children and pregnant women
running around town.
Regardless, they were so nice
that some guy who came from
Manitoba, but was now living in
SLC actually bought the four of
us tickets to see the Canada vs.
Belarus game! They were eighth
row and it was a sweet sweet
blow out. Of course the guy
turned out to be a Jehovah's
Witness, but he kept the conversation strictly to hockey and
Canada still won. Although we
started to walk away quickly
when he began talking about
how maybe we could crash at his
place for the night...
But the best part of the entire
trip was watching the Women's
Gold Medal Final. I don't have
anything funny to say about
this, it was just an awesome
experience. While all of you
were at home cheering to your
TV, I was yelling my throat raw
at the fanatical US fans in front
of me. The women heard me
and, as a result, kicked some
serious American ass. Well, really I had nothing to do with the
Canadian Women's Gold medal
performance, but it was great to
watch the Gold Medal Ceremony for Canada's national sport.
It's not everyday you get to listen to your national anthem as
you watch your country's flag
raised at the Olympics. It was
almost enough to stimulate a
tiny bit of national pride in this
jaded and pessimistic nEUSpaper Editor's heart.
Any vacation that allowed me
to not think about school and
my looming post-graduation
unemployment problems could
have been consider a success,
but combine that with the once
in a life time experience of going
to the Olympics in Salt Lake
City made for an unbelievable
time. I feel sorry for all of you
who didn't make the effort to see
the assembly of human spirit
first hand that made this
Olympics such a success for
Canada and the rest of the
EWB-UBC with Habitat for Humanity
Jonathan Toews
The UBC chapter of Engineers Without Borders
(EWB-UBC) intends to offer on-going support to Habitat for Humanity, assisting in any local building projects
that may be slated. Habitat for Humanity (HFH) is an
international, inclusive, non-profit, non-government
organization that builds simple, affordable housing as a
long-term solution to poverty. HFH constructs houses
using volunteer labour and donations of money and
materials, selling them at no profit with interest-free
mortgages to families in need of adequate shelter.
Acclaimed internationally, since 1976 HFH has built
over 100,000 homes in 60 countries, with 400 of these in
Canada! Find out more about HFH at www.vancouver-
Locally, HFH has secured an acre of land located at
8745 Government Street in Burnaby. Four townhouse
units are currently in construction on the site, with 23
more units slated for completion within the next 4 - 6
years. It is an excellent site, in close proximity to adequate transportation (#101 bus, Sky Train Millenium
Line, 99 B-Line), services (Lougheed Mall and Costco),
and recreation (Burnaby Lake Regional Park) along the
GVRD's Lougheed Highway directed urban growth corridor.
As its first support event, EWB-UBC is organizing a
volunteer build-day, gathering volunteers from within
UBC's Engineering Departments. Teams of volunteers
from each department have been formed to donate
labour for one Saturday, with a prize-bundle to be given
to the dept-team with the most volunteers!
This Saturday, March 2nd, over 120 Engineering students have already signed up to volunteer on-site.
There will be several large tasks to be performed, such
- Back-filling and landscaping around the units;
- Installing porous paving-stone sidewalk leading to
the units;
- Building a bio-swale to aid in storm-water retention;
- Constructing and raising a large sign-board.
For more info, contact Jonathan at
UBC Engineering can look forward to a strong future,
with EWB-UBC leading the way in volunteer-services
and awareness projects! February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
Page Four
Fame and Famer
Andy Martin
99 Cent Bin
As I followed through with
another year, I found my
happiness level was merely
good. I was happy, just not
enough. I had an active social
life, with two new circles of
friends. The all-important
material happiness was excellent with new computer, stereo,
and PS2, Money was no problem, two years of work and a fat
scholarship had me squarely in
the black. Job satisfaction was
high as the frosh lab I was
T.A.ing for was both gullible
beyond all belief (I had them
believing that we were using
preserved clams for dissection
because live clams screamed
when you cut them), and willing to not report me for excessive swearing. An attempt to
regurgitate old 432 articles for
my new school's 'humor' paper
came to a quick end after an
unspeakably bad job of editing,
but I could still rant and mind-
control others through writing
for another paper. Chick situation swung between happiness
and frustration like the blue
monkey of passive-aggressiveness it is, but we hardly noticed
anymore. What was missing?
Fame. Sure, we had past Sluggy
cameos and Matt Good videos,
but nobody really cared anymore. So we had to set out and
make us fully famous.
Our first attempt was foiled in
the early going. Last October, I
was strutting in Times Square
when I was stopped by a lady.
She asked me if I had ever
thought about modeling. Population modeling? No, fashion
I was in shock for the rest of
the week. Somebody found me
attractive! Maybe there was
another reason the stupid
broads never wanted the full
helping of Cafe Andy's
hunnkarific all you can eat.
But first, I needed some photos. The shots of me covered in
fish snot and hugging giant
squids the previous summer
would probably not go over
well. So I grabbed a disposable
camera and had a classmate
take pictures of me, wearing my
best T- Shirt and jeans combo,
in the backyard of the ecological field station. Sexy sexy. I
think the rusting BBQ and
inflatable water toys in the
backdrop only added to the
rugged, yet aesthetic, atmosphere.
I showed up to the first interview that weekend. While in
the waiting room of the 5th
Avenue office, while everyone
else in the room was reading
articles about J.Lo in Esquire
and Mademoiselle, I pulled out
articles by Hurlbert on
pseudoreplication in ecological
field experiments.
I got called in and a quick
assessment was made that I was
worth a 2nd interview. They
took the worst photo of the
bunch and told me to come
back in a week. So I went home,
washed my one T-Shirt. not
emblazoned by a cartoon character, and waited, anorexia
quickly taking hold.
Next Saturday came, and as I
enjoyed a little light reading on
the steamy true story behind lie
groups, I was called into the
interview office. Again, they
gave me good marks. Then they
took a few measurements...
"I'm sorry, you're one inch too
tall and four inches too broad in
the shoulders."
"And you're a fat-assed old
bitch. What's your point?"
"We can't market you. You're
too tall for photo shoots and
your shoulders are too broad for
runway work."
"But aren't those usually considered to be attractive traits?"
"Well, then I guess I'm too
sexy to unleash on the general
public. Oh baby..."
Well, the pansy-assed world of
supplying the unreasonable
standards to make young people live up to, was shot down in
flames by my being too sexy for
Milan, New York or Japan. A
shame, but I can understand
the dangers to society in letting
my likeness be displayed. Last
thing this world needs is another Beatlemania.
At about this time, I, itching
to crunch some chords, borrowed a guitar off a classmate.
I've been fooling around on guitar for probably 5 years. Can
hold my own, but can rarely
concentrate long enough to go
through a whole song or learn a
solo. Probably because I've
taken about 2 lessons my whole
My classmate invited me to
try out with his band. But he
had all the guitar chops the
band needed. What they needed was some soul on the microphone to convey exactly the
kind of emotion heavy metal
The only problem is that I
can't sing.
"No problem, you can yell
can't you."
"Well, yeah."
"Good, that's what we want."
After a couple of rehearsals in
famous 'Barry's Apartment Studios', they welcomed me with
open arms, citing 'yelling skills
above and beyond our wildest
expectations'. I tried to accept,
but my voice was gone. I
grabbed a 'how to sing' book on
the way to the next rehearsal, in
the interest of maybe having
some skill to go with the stage
presence, and they complained
that I was going to ruin my raw
sound. I like to think I yell
melodically, tho'. It nicely compliments a prime blend of classic heavy metal influences.
That's right, no 'soundscapes'
and songs about how depressed
we are. Heavy shredding in
songs about demons, trench
warfare, and rez life.
Speaking of which, we have to
start planning our career. We'll
kick around on the club scene
for a while, at least until we can
remember all the songs, then
we'll write one radio-friendly
song, and be cemented into
rock culture for the rest of time.
Then we can have 'artistic liberty' to do what we want.
Drug addiction... have to
choose which one, but also have
to wait until the band makes it
big, or else I'll just be another
loser junkie instead of a tragic
Shakespearean figure. Drug use
will only be slightly evident on
my 'groundbreaking' album,
before making me do a seriously disturbed album 8 months
after that. I'll do anything I
wanna, laws be damned because
I'm famous, go to rehab for six
months, come out and say
'sorry', and be clean and every-
thing'll be great then, and I'll
truly appreciate life itself.
I have learnt something about
the world by being in a band.
The most important being that
drummers, believe it or not, are
even more frustrating than
girls. We lack merely a drummer and to decide upon a name
to start tearing up the club
scene on our way to the top. But
drummers seem to be psychotic
on the same level as women.
They give you their number,
say they'd love to, and then they
never show up. And being
stood up is expensive when you
have studio time reserved.
We actually wound up telling
ourselves: "you call back twice,
but not three times".
But the chase may be over
with possibly the greatest result
in the world short of getting
Neal Pert: chick drummer!
On the subject of choosing a
band name, I liken it to getting
3 people trying to decide on
what kind of pizza they'll order
for an entire year. Everybody's
dug in on one name and doesn't
want to budge.
My closed minded bandmates
can't grasp the artistic beauty of
'The Andy Martin Band', so we
may end up settling on 'Pale
I have also learnt not to write
funny lyrics. While playing our
latestest potential chart-topper
"If You Wanna Piss Me Off', I
put extra oomph into one of our
more profound lyrics:
"You said you were sick of my
biting sarcasms
Well you never minded my
mouth while it was givin ya
The guitar drops out and I
turn to see our guitarist convulsing on the floor. Over lyrics
HE wrote three days ago. But
the funniest times are when you
listen to your demo tapes. From
screwing up cues, miscounting
verses, to understanding why
the other band members don't
get microphones.
We've also learned to get your
guitarist laid at least every two
weeks, or else he starts playing
way too fast. As well, it's a good
idea to have an extra battery for
distortion pedals, unless you
want an acoustic version of
Finally, I'll have the groupies I
so richly deserve.
Sugar Daddy Rob Jee
Honey's 'n Hennessey
Yo' mad niggaz! So I be knowin' that all you punk-ass
be-atches gonna be asking the Jee some whack
shizzit like "Yo Dog! What's this year gonna be layin'
down on my ass." And so - like the mad Pimp I be -1 be
smackin' yo bitch-asses up with some of my good
shizzit. The Jee gotta be givin' yo' asses some sorta
warnin' or sumpin' cuz these "Whoreoscopes" be so
mutha-fuckin' whore-o-scopic that yo' year won't even
be worth suprisin' y'all. Y'all be like "That mad black-ass
Pimp ain't bullshittin' on no front street. This year's be
called by the RJ." Well I done warned yo' asses so shut
the fuck up and get off my cizzase or Ima comina' yo'
house and I WILL cut you.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20): At the beginnin' o' next month
y'all be all up in yo' game. Y'all gun be mad playa some
sweet-ass poontang (or whatever y'all be playin'. I got me
some man-hoes that turn tricks for the Jee too). Then
y'all catch VD and die. Y'all lucky number is 9 as in my
glock if y'all don't be payin' me fo' my hoes.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): You be meetin' some fine
playa' this month. This playa' gun' be givin' you gifts
and shizzit and treatin' y'all ass real good girl. Unfizzor-
tunately after he been boughten all that fo' you he be a
little short on cash and needs yo' help. So when he be
askin' you to walk the street fo' him to bring in the Benjamins y'all betta be doin' it, or he'll smack yo' ass up.
This Pimp be crazy be-atch! Yo' lucky number is, SHUT
Gemini (May 22-June 21): Wit' Mercury ascending
into yo' 4th quadrant and fomin' an aspect to Jupiter,
planet of luck y'all gunna be one fly high-rolin' nigga.
Y'all be dropin' the bling-bling at all the fly clubs downtown. At the end of the night you be takin' some fly
honey backa yo' hood. After y'all done dickin'er down
slow, y'all be kickin'er ass to the curb (Y'all gotta be get-
tin' yo' work on t'morra).
Cancer (June 22-July 23): I dunno what gunna be hap-
nin' a' you this month. I guess cause y'all be so 'ntuitive
and shizzit y'all gunna haffa' be workin' hard and not
flippin' the dead prez the RJ's way. Y'all ain't got no
lucky numbers neither.
Leo (July 24-Aug 23): Cuzza' all the shizzit that them
stars be doin' and what y'all gunna be wantin'a spend
mo' time wit yo' loved ones. And if y'all don't be havin'
no loved ones or some shizzit y'all know that the Jee can
be supplyin' yo' ass. And if y'all and yo' girl be wantin'a
get high the Jee can score some crack fo' yo' crackery-ass.
Yo' lucky numbers be 25 fo' a hand-job, fiddy fo' a blow
job and real damn high if you be one'a them back-door
types. My girls don't like that shizzit.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23): Wit' Mercury, planet o' the
mind, aspectin' Neptune, planet o' illusion and I do
mean ILL y'all need to be doin' some reflection that how
y'all need be reflectin' on how to stop fuckin' wit me you
little be-atche. Cause I can predict this fo' yo' ass, if y'all
be fuckin' wit me I will take yo' ass downa Chinatown.
Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23): This month y'all decide'a try
some otha' pimp's hoes. Y'all know I keep my hoes clean
fo' yo' asses and I keep the bitches in my stable in line.
But that bitch y'all be gettin' some play from ain't be
clean and y'all also get her ass pregnant. And now all
that money that yo' use'a spend on the honeys and the
hennessy now goes'a that hoe and her kid.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22): So this month y'all be at a
party wit' me and that Fly Martha E and you know yo'
bitch ass can't take as much crack as the Jee and the E
and y'all be wakin' up in the downtown east side, good
luck honky.
SagittariuSjCapricorn, Aquarius, Pisces: Y'all got the
same whore-o-scope cuz the Jee be all outta ideas:
nuthin'. Why donch'all just look at one'a them utha'
Ones. It all don't matta' cuz if y'all believe in this shizzit
y'all be thicker than the RJ's tool. Page Five
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
February 26, 2002
Cliff Mardells Olympic Roundup:
So my
son asked me
to write
another article for his stupid school
paper again. I
told him that the only time I I
touch that rag is to fold it into a
funnel and use it to fill his
Gatorade bottles with my piss
before I put them back in the
fridge, but he bought me a bottle of Smirnoff 100 so I'm sitting
at his damn Inter-web machine
writing about the Olympics.
The only fucking reason I
watched that pansy crap was
because I was chowing down
pills all weekend that were supposed to be my aspirin that
turned out to be that little
retard's Ritalin. I ain't got no
screwball ADD, that shit gave
me some kind of long-ass
egghead attention span. My
neighbor started telling me
some dipshit story about his
whore daughter but when it was
over I got pissed cuz there wasn't any more of the story so I hit
him with my leaf shovel.
I always had a bottle of Jack
with me while I watched that
Olympic crap on the TV so I
forgot a lot of stuff, I think I
blacked out a few times. On Friday I woke up in a ditch beside
my car with some tool wearing
nothing but some fruity looking
flag for pants in my trunk and
some sorority chick in the backseat tripping on the roofies or
something. I stole a wheelbarrow from some guy's yard and
carried them to some elementary school playground before I
drove home, they ain't pinning
shit on me.
s^ Speed  skating:   It  all
I sucks except for that short
track shit, those are some crazy
fruity spandex wearing fuckers,
there should be more sports in
the sissy Olympics where you
can tackle a dude if he's going to
beat you. Best sport ever, I'll
drink to that.
Figure Skating: Shit, I
didn't watch that shit,
how drunk do you think I was?
Ask some chick, they know.
Skiing  (Super G and
Except for that fruity spandex
and all the foreigners this shit is
alright, those crazy fucks go
damn fast. I saw some dickhead
run into some ice or some shit
he was rolling like a damn tum-
bleweed, I laughed so hard I
almost pissed myself, it reminded me of that time I hit the
paperboy with a football and
knocked his ass right off his
j§j|| Freestyle-Aerials,
HHI Moguls:
That aerial shit all looks the
same to me, bunch of gymnastics taking fruits if you ask me,
that ain't skiing, they don't even
got poles. That moguls shit is
the kind of crap skiing those
pot-smoking losers my son
hangs out with probably do, that
or snowboarding.
Downhill   Snowboarding:
Those crotchmonkeys are so
stoned they think they're going
fast. This sport is for pussies
who can't do that downhill ski
Halfpipe, Snowboarding: I saw
some stoner fuck land on his
head, that shit was funny. Snow-
boarders are those kids who
smoke their shitty weed outside
the 7-11. One of them asked me
to buy him cigarettes one time
so I threw him in a dumpster
and then rammed it with my
car, well not my car, it belonged
to some guy who was inside paying for his gas.
Biathlon: I thought this
| would be fucking good,
finally some shit gets shoj-up.
But they spend the whole damn
time prancing around like Lib-
erace on those fruity fake skis.
Who the hell skis uphill? That
shit's boring.
S; Cross country: Thanks
I for putting your sport in
my Olympics, Sven, this version
doesn't even have guns, I'd
rather have my nuts in a vice.
Bobsleigh, Luge, Skeleton: I could do this shit,
run and then jump on the damn
toboggan, all that shit looked
the same to me, the gold medal
went to some dude who was
.Osomefuckingnumber seconds
faster, big fucking deal. And
that two man luge shit isn't
right, I think those dudes are
practicing lying down in that
position a lot, if you know what
I mean.
Ski jumping: That's
[some crazy fucks doing
one boring ass event, I fell
Curling: Fucking shuf-
^fleboard on ice? This
shit's boring, but I did see one of
the players drinking a beer I
think, that's fucking sweet. But
where do they recruit these
fuckers from, janitor school? I
know I'm supposed to like this
because I'm in Canada but I
passed out and some dipshit
woke me up yelling "HARD,
HARD". I don't need that kind
of aggravation, I'm a fucking Vet.
I'm against picketing, but i don't know how to show it.
Foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabob. Foosball fucked up
my perception of soccer, I thought I had to kick a ball then spin round
and round. I can't do backflips. Much less several. Irr-unison with two
other guys who look like me.
- Mitch Hedberg
5(15 Lmmw kmtii
Nomination forms for the SUS Leadership
Awards will be available in LSK 202
beginning March 4th.
To be eligible, nominees must be current
science students not serving on SUS
For more information, contact Brian at
The   Four-Thirty-tEUSpaper   asks   these
celebrities how they enjoyed the Olympics
Martha Piper - UBC President
After getting hopped up on speed and
goofballs, I won the long distance
cabana boy relay. I'm particularly looking forward to the drug test. Do you
think you can get high from drinking
doped urine samples?
Andrew Tinka ■ EUS president
Instead of watching the
Olympics, me and my friends
designed an Olympics role-playing game. Canada won gold and
silver in the ore-slaying event!
The highlight of the evening was
when Jay found a +3 toepick of
doom, though I missed it after
passing out during the 10m
fridge dash for Mountain Dew.
 Reka Sztopa - SUS president
In order to fully maximize my Olympic
enjoyment I cross correlated the
Olympic coverage on TV with my natural circadian rhythms. For instance on
Tuesday from 15:57 to 16:02 I reveled in
nationalistic pride as befits of a Canadian citizen of my stature. Between 18:00
and 18:35 I was penciled in to continue
my outrage at the figure skating judging
scandal, but I rescheduled so that I
could increase those precious minutes
allotted to staring longingly at my 8x10
glossy of Andrew Tinka.
Michael Issaacson ■ Extreme Dean of APSC
While all you couch clowns were
sitting on your pretty little asses
watching the Games (I'm lookin'
at you Dunwoody) I was competing in them! That's right, I represented Canada in Skeleton. All
those other wusses used sleds! I
just riveted some runners to my
forearms and shins in my home
workshop and I was ready to go. I
would have won gold too if those
corrupt judges hadn't disqualified
me for not wearing a helmet.
Dr. Klawe ■ Leader of MAP, Dean of Science
My evil henchmen and I devised a
brilliant plan. By replacing select
Olympians with robotic automatons
programmed for sabotage and spiking
the overpriced refreshments with
mind-control drugs, we would have
disrupted the Olympic Games and
taken over the world! I would have
gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for
that blasted inspector, his niece, and
that stupid talking dog. I'll get you
next time Gadget, NEXT TIME!
Marie-Renne Le Gougne - French Figure Skating Judge
Don't hurt me! Please no more! It was
me, I admit it. There ... are ... FOUR
Don't get it? You suck, go back to your
Felicity reruns -Sherlock February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
Page Six Page Seven
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
February 26, 2002
H&4S «l iS
The Learning Exchange
Trek 2000 Volunteer Program
Spring Recruitment
Do you want to do volunteer work over the summer?
You can contribute to the Downtown Eastside Strathcona by:
>^    Tutoring Teens
"    Teaching ESL and computer skills to adults and youth
>*     Leading recreation and arts and crafts activities
Visiting and talking with residents in mental health programs
Preparing and serving food to community members
You will:
Gain new skills relevant to career-related goals
Use the skills you already have to help others
Meet new people and establish connections
Gain practical experience related to academic goals
Learn about important issues from people in the Downtown Eastside
Participate in strengthening the community
Information/ Recruitment Session
International House March 6th 6:00 pm
1783 West Mall, Upper Lounge
For more information contact:
Shayne Tryon
MAYBELLINE February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
Page Eight
Movie Review: Metropolis
\\WUf Jay Garcia
r. " • ?-*	
vi >«A -> Domo Arigato
Glory be, Vancouver has
been blessed by the fact
that there's actually
anime available for viewing in
theatrical release. Metropolis,
inspired by the eponymous film
by Fritz Lang, is set in some
unspecified future date, in a
nameless but influential country, where human workers have
been displaced by robots, and
the wealthy have risen to power
and greatness through the subtle and overt oppression of both
of the lesser classes. Originally
envisioned by Osamu Tezuka
(godfather of manga and creator of Astro Boy and Simba,
the White Lion), and directed
by Rintaro (Galaxy Express
999), Metropolis touches on
interwoven themes of love, loyalty, hubris and the price of
self-knowledge, without succumbing to dreadful plodding
and instead managing to maintain tight and well-paced.
Metropolis, by any standards,
isn't your usual kind of film.
Even in the field of anime,
which ranges from schlocky B-
movie type featurettes, to other
films of questionable value,
(hentai fans, I'm looking at you,
whilst beating a hasty retreat),
to works of genuine merit that
showcase the art form's abilities
to both embrace and transcend
the "big eyes, small mouth"
genre, Metropolis stands apart
like few other works (Princess
Mononoke - a mythic story of
allegiances with an environmentalist aspect, and Grave of
Fireflies - the personal story of
the loss and pain suffered by a
boy in the post-Nagasaki years
are the only peers that come to
Metropolis overtext is a
scathing socio-political commentary against artificial
Manichean divisions and uses a
large number of stylistic elements to convey this to the
audience. The use of computer
graphics for the monumental
background elements (the
gigantic towers of the Ziggurat,
and the lumbering blimps)
blended with old-style, 1960's
anime characters (exaggerated
proportions, big noses, large,
innocent eyes and the like)
serves to heighten the audience's sense of disassociation,
which reinforces the subtext of
class struggle; this is further
enhanced by the stark contrast
in appearance between humans
and robots - with the visual
design often making the robots
more sympathetic characters
than the humans they serve.
Metropolis features frenetic
action scenes and the grand
explosions typical to the genre,
but at the same time confounds
expectations by using uncanny
juxtapositions of forties-style
jazz and swing music.
This really isn't a film for casual viewers of anime, and it has
the lofty goal of trying to tell a
story about political and social
change without being didactic,
but if you're willing to absorb
the grandness and sheer spectacle, then you might find that it
has a strange and beautiful
charm of its own.
Ode to the Integral
In verses do I answer you
For all the suffering you've put me through
Your name alone do I dread
0 Integral I wish you dead
And you wretched Integrand
1 wish you banished from this land
A wasteland did you leave my brain
Oh the trauma, oJh the pain
Curses to calculus which I hate
Thus my exam I terminate
-Matthieu 'Frenchy' Maftei
This poem was awarded 2% on a Math 101 exam, giving the
author an overall grade of 10% on said course.
Sex, Sex, and (big surprise) More Sex
Jo Krack
tMtf^J}     gimmekrack@homtail.com
In my last article, I advised
my loyal readers how to calculate the fuckability of a
potential partner, in order to
reduce love to a scienqe and
thus avoid heartbreak. However, I now realize that I neglected
to define the different types of
sexual attitudes that your
potential partner may hold.
Attitude towards sex is a major
compatibility issue, so in this
article I will outline some of the
major categories.
Female Attitude #1:
Good Girls Don't.
These women are still recovering from the life-long brainwashing they've endured. In
high school, they were praised
for their virginity and their
boyfriends understood that
they were "saving it for marriage." Suddenly they are thrust
into the university world,
where sexual relationships are
not seen as unusual... not to
mention one-night stands,
threesomes, and lots of kinky
shit. Instead of being rewarded
for their purity, Good Girls are
ridiculed for it or labelled
frigid. Confused by the sudden
reversal of attitudes, Good Girls
find they have a lot of catching
up to do. They can then evolve
into Sexual Politics girls, Marry
Me girls, or Good Sex girls.
Female Attitude #2:
Sexual Politics.
These women are bitter about
having been persuaded to lose
their virginity. Their first experience was probably with a
clumsy lover who abandoned
them soon after. They get very
little pleasure from sex, and
know very little about their
bodies. With proper training,
they can evolve into Good Sex
girls, but unfortunately some of
them are too disillusioned
about sex to even think about
enjoying it. These women focus
instead on the power that they
can gain through sex: the power
to keep a boyfriend, steal a
boyfriend, reduce a man to a
simpering moron, never have to
pay for food or clothing, and
sleep their way to the top in
their career of choice. Many
men think all sexually active
women are Sexual Politics girls.
Female Attitude #3:
Marry Me.
These women are shell-
shocked by the many issues
raised by sex. They are overwhelmed by all the things to
consider: "will he dump me if I
don't sleep with him? Will he
dump me right after he sleeps
with me? Will I get pregnant?
Will I get an STD? Will I be
called a slut? Will no man ever
want to marry me because
they'll be able to tell I'm
spoiled goods?" They are too
worried about these issues to
even think about whether or
not they would enjoy sex. To
avoid difficult decisions and
possibly painful experiences,
they decide to put off sex until
marriage (and religion provides
a good excuse). Because they
don't understand the appeal of
sex, Marry Me girls have a tendency to see things in black and
white: girls who have sex before
marriage must be sluts; men are
only out for one thing and it's
up to women to fend them off.
Female Attitude #4:
These women have had their
hearts broken and firmly
believe that ..men, are scum.
They no longer trust men
enough to form intimate relationships, but they are unable
to let the male half of the
species go unpunished. Knowing the rules of the game, they
become artful players, skilled in
making men fall desparetly in
love. Once their prey is sure
that they've found their soul-
mate, the Heartbreaker dumps
them, preferably either on
Valentine's or their anniversary.
Female Attitude #5:
Good Sex.
Whether they learned through
experience, the school of hard
knocks, or just always loved
themselves, Good Sex girls are
not ashamed of their sexuality.
They know how to have
orgasms (whether on their own
or with a partner) and how to
find a sexual balance with their
partners. They don't play head
games or use sex to achieve
non-orgasmic ends (e.g., marriage, power, intimacy, love).
Good Sex girls are often
labelled sluts by girls who are
jealous of their sexual freedom,
and by men who are threatened
by them.
Male Attitude #1:
These men have sex with
women, but do it for other men.
They are often found in frat
houses. (Personally, I think
that's a prejudiced remark - I
know several frat boys who
respect women - and some who
prefer men. -fiend) Scorekeep-
ers are insecure and feel the
need to continually prove their
sexual prowess by sleeping with
as many women as possible.
They are afraid of sexually confident women, as they prefer to
be the predator jrather than the
prey. Scorekeepers seek out
insecure and inexperienced
girls. They are able to be very
romantic up until they get laid,
then they quickly get bored and
move on. If a girl has a few bad
experiences with a Scorekeeper,
she tends to become a Sexual
Politics girl or a Heartbreaker.
Male Altitude #2:
Fetish Freak.
These men already know
exactly who they want to date,
before they even meet her. For
example, Eggy Yuh's last article
described "rice kings" as white
boys who only want to date
Asian girls. Rice kings are a
type of Fetish Freak: rather
than learning about a girl's personality, a rice king studies his
prey's culture until he believes
himself to be an expert in "her
kind." Dating a Fetish Freak
and then finding out he already
thinks he knows exactly how
you think is a damaging experience for most girls, who would
rather be liked for their uniqueness than for their membership
in a certain group.
Male Attitude #3:
Wicked Romeo.
These men are probably the
most dangerous, because they
know how to play the game
(like Scorekeepers), yet are
much more subtle. Wicked
Romeos know how to move at
exactly the right speed and give
out the right signals. Wicked
Romeo will show up with flowers, will want to spend lots of
time talking, will remember
everything his girlfriend tells
him, and will always respect her
if she doesn't want to get physical as fast as he does. His girlfriend is treated like a princess
- until she falls in love. Once,
he's sure that his hold is secure,
Wicked Romeo shows his cruel
side. He may start to become
distant, criticize her, or put her
down in public. The poor girlfriend will desperately wonder
what she's done wrong, and try
to win back his love. Wicked
Romeo is now set, and can
enjoy his girlfriend's worship
while seeking out other girls.
The victims of Wicked Romeos
become Heartbreakers.
Male Attitude #4:
One experience with this kind
of man is usually enough to
restore a woman's faith in men.
Good Sex boys are kind to their
sexual partners: they don't
pressure them to do things
they're not comfortable with,
they take responsibility for protection, they don't play head
games, they don't pretend to be
in love if they're not, and they
don't spread nasty rumours
afterwards. Girls are more likely to feel relaxed and respected
with Good Sex boys, and so the
sex is usually great. When Good
Sex boys get together with
Good Sex girls, the sky's the
limit! (The first rule of Mile
High Club is the sky is NOT
the limit, -fiend)
There are more sexual attitudes out there, some way more
fucked up than the ones I've
listed here. But remember:
when you try to fuck with
someone, ultimately you're the
one who gets fucked, (read
"fucked in a bad way" - and not
a bad 'kinky' way, a bad way. -
fiend) — Page Nine
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
February 26, 2002
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Contributions from all students on all subjects relating
to science are welcome. Contributions should be in
the 1000-2000 word range though longer or shorter
ones will be considered, and they should include
the author's name and contact information. We are
especially interested in student research and co-op
projects if you would like to summarize your work.
To contribute or for more information, contact:
Benjamin Warrington
Undergraduate Chemistry Society
Grime and Detection: The Story of	
Guest Speaker
Sherlock Holmes solved criminal cases only with the help of
his magnifying glass and his sense of observation. Today
the police can make use of a vast array of scientific
techniques from computer fing erprints analysis to DNA
profiling. This lecture presen ts forensic science through
some famous cases ranging fr om the story of the "Poison
Umbrella" to that of the notorious "Stalling Affair."
Dr. Ariel Fenster
feeadbasssailMdMlIllrantaBity, wh
of Communications of the Offi ce for Chemistry and Society.
Well known as an outstandin g speaker, Dr. Fenster has
been recognized by numerous awards for his contribution
to the popularization of science. During previous visits, he
has presented such topics as "The Human Side of Scientists"
and "Science and Art." Likewi se, this lecture intended for
the entertainment of the students of UBC.
Thursday, February 28
12:30 -1:30
Woodward IRC 2
(2194 Health Sciences Mall) wwim8^iJiwaa«8BiBft.jHiiS3Bteayaiigg^Bg
February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper - - Science & Technology
Page Ten
Lots of Space for Star Speaker at BCR
Renee Boileau
Spacely Smurf
It's a small world. After traveling millions of miles in
space and around the globe to
advance Canada's presence in
space, Canadian astronaut
Bjarni Tryggvason was welcomed home recently by local
university and high school students as part of the Distinguished Guest Lecturer Series
at the BC Research Complex.
Bjarni Tryggvason is a well-
known graduate of the UBC
Engineering Physics program
who has gone on to become one
of our first six Canadian astronauts chosen from over 4000
applicants in 1983.
On February 11 at the BCR
auditorium on the south UBC
campus. Dr. Tryggvasson gave
two presentations with different focuses: the first on his pet
research project, the second an
overview of Canada's space sciences program.
Dr. Tryggvason's first presentation covered the history of the
Microgravity Vibration Isolation Mount (MIM) and its
future   applications   on   the
International Space Station.
The MIM helps reduce the
effects of microgravity vibrations, or "g-jitter," on experiments by using paired horseshoe magnets to levitate the
experiment platform.
He took his microgravity lab
on the road in 1997 on shuttle
mission STS-85, orbiting the
Earth 189 times as he tested the
sensitivity of fluids experiments to the tiniest vibrations
with the MIM.
His shuttle-based experiments
suggested that even the rigorous new NASA requirements
for vibration-sensitive experiments on the International
Space Station are too loose —
he contends that results from
diffusion experiments demand
engineered isolation systems
such as MIM.
Bringing the microgravity
environment experienced on
orbit down to Earth for his
audience, Dr. Tryggvason
described the new football
field-sized space station as a
"big bowl of jelly", set a-quiver
by the activities by the activities of astronauts and their
As a result of Dr. Tryggyas-
son's scientific work, new versions of MIM are being built by
Canada as part of the Canadian
facilities on board the ISS and
for the European module. This
work on advanced technology
for microgravity may be of considerable  benefit   to   experi-
He also pointed out that work
related to the MIM offshoots is
still being done at UBC. As
recently as last month, electronics for the new MIMBU
were being radiation tested at
Bjarni Tryggvason hard at work on the space shuttle
ments in fluids, protein crystallization and alloy manufacturing.
Dr. Tryggvason recognized
several of his co-op students in
the audience who had worked
on the MIM recently at the
Canadian Space Agency,
expressing his ongoing desire
to hire co-op students to work
at the Canadian Space Agency.
the TRIUMF accelerator here
at UBC.
After a short coffee break, Dr.
Tryggvason took his audience
on a tour of the evolution of science from "about space" to
"from space" to "in space." He
showed the change in perspective as we turned our gaze from
looking outward to the stars to
looking back at Earth, with
agricultural land inventories
and climate monitoring. He
then showed space applications
expanding to research conducted specifically in a space environment — experiments such
as the SURF fluid science facility and the ATEN materials science furnace. He stressed that
not only are land-based sciences like meteorology and cartography advancing into space,
, but new applications are also
being developed, such as global
positioning systems and ozone
While the 100-seat conference
room was by no means full for
the morning lecture, most of
the audience stayed for both
presentations and were treated
to a chance to personally meet
the famous graduate. Dr. Tryggvasson signed photos and
fielded questions by students
after the presentation.
Bjarni Tryggvasson, class of
1972, has gone astronomical
distances with his degree, but
he still has strong connections
with his alma mater. No matter
where you go, there you are.
For more information on
microgravity sciences and
Canada's role in space, check
out www.space.gcica.
What's New in Mech...
Editorial: Scientific Censorship
Melissa Tart
Bringing the house down
Dr. Vinod Modi and Dr.
Ayhzen Ahintura in
Mechanical Engineering are
developing a passive nutation
damper to control building
vibrations during a natural
disaster such as a hurricane.
The idea behind their damper
is to disperse vibrational energy through water waves. The
damper is essentially a container filled with water up to
some height; by adjusting the
water level, the damper can be
tuned to the building's natural
frequency. When tuned correctly, the liquid in the damper
will splash violently, dissipating energy. Currently, work is
being done to find the the optimal geometry for this dampen
The major advantage of such
a passive damper is that no
energy is required operate it,
unlike active dampers designs.
This is useful since during a
natural disaster the damper
will not fail due to the the
building losing power.
The damper has been presented at an international conference. It is reported to be
106-108% better than most the
dampers currently in use. It
can be found in use at the
Narita Airport and control
Students who are interested
in the field of vibration control
should look at MECH 365 &
For further reference see:
V.J. Modi, K Welt, and M.L.
Seto. <tControt of wmd-indueed
instabilities through application
ffl,.,Bmtari«ft,.„dMffiers:„„ a, „ brM
overview". Engineering Structures, Vol. 17, No.9, pp, 626-638,
1995 Elsevier Science Ltd.
FfrofHe: Dr, Vipod Afodj
Dr. Vinod J. Modi received a
bachelor's degree in mechanic
cal and electrical engineering
from Bombay University in
1953 and the postgraduate
diploma m aeronautical engi~
neering from the Indian Institute of Science in 1955. He
pursued further postgraduate
education in the United States,
obtaining a M.S. from U. of
Washhtgton(l956) and Ph.D.
from Purdue University(1959),
both in the area of aerospace
engineering. His versatility is
reflected through research in
areas as diverse as the human
heart, offshore oil platforms,
V/STOL airplanes, wind energy! ground vehicle aerodynamics* space station control* and
mobile robotic manipulators.
Wade Cherrington
Too coo/ for a byline
A recent New York Times
article reports that over 6,600
technical documents have been
recalled by the American government, mostly relating to
germ and other biological warfare. While paid for by the taxes
of democratic citizens, many
would accept that the government has a right to recall such
A greater controversy surrounds the censorship of publications within the scientific
community at large. The above
mentioned article reports that
such measures are in the works
from the American government, and the New Scientist
reports the British government
is following suit. It is this controversy that prompted the editorial you're reading, which
explores the possible dangers of
such censorship.
Consider how censorship
might effect the prevention and
effective response to a biological, chemical, or other attack
based on technology described
in scientific publications. A terrorist group sophisticated
enough to utilize work
described in modern journals
would very likely have the conceptual and practical faculties to
eventually develop such technology on their own, although
at arguably at a greater time and
money expense. At a practical
level, its not clear at all what criteria or what panel of experts
would be capable of distinguishing "safe" science from "dangerous" science. A creative combination of two individually "safe"
technologies may well lead to a
deadly weapon.
A great danger of scientific
censorship relates to society's
collective ability to deal with a
threat. A major factor in the
power of a terrorist act is that of
surprise and confusion. Consider the anthrax scare of several
months ago; had anthrax been
an obscure, poorly understood
contagion a much greater disruption and panic would have
resulted. Unless all risk can be
completely eliminated, reducing
the spread of scientific information will endanger the speed and
flexibility with which the scientific community can respond to
eminent threats.
The above discussion deals
with the ability or inability of
censorship to deal with terrorism, with the conclusion that
censorship may have the opposite to intended effect. On top of
this, however, there are several
additional costs to the systematic censorship of science. Suppression of scientific publication undermines the independent confirmation of results that
is critical to the scientific
Censorship can also cause
unnecessary duplication of theoretical and applied effort, leading to the wasteful allocation of
scientific resources in the ongoing race for cures and better
technology. Finally, it is not
clear what checks and balances
are in place to prevent the governmental abuse of control over
scientific results.
It seems clear that a scientist
or engineer should consider
these issues carefully, being
careful not to overestimate the
possible benefits While underestimating the great costs of scientific censorship.
Let's play tongue fight,
Let's lash each other madly to
Posts of joy and shame
You force it up,
It splatters lifeless, staining
Bad sex and forced poetry. Page Eleven
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper - News
February 26, 2002
Chns Chow, Chad Brown, Peter Cellei and David Pelletier showoff
their first place medals won at the Senior Team Design
What I Learned at WECC
By Rory Johnson
My trip to Regina to attend
WECC was even more
enjoyable and educational than
I expected prior to my departure. For me, the conference
was a success educationally and
socially, as I learned a great
deal in my interaction with
other engineers, especially
those older than myself. I am
sure that my WECC experience
will contribute to my future as
both a UBC student and a professional engineer.
The most worthwhile part of
my trip to WECC was the
opportunity to meet other engineers from around Western
Canada.   It was a pleasure to
socialize and tour Regina with
them and a challenge to compete against them. Their varied backgrounds and abilities
made the conference both
memorable and fun.
I also profited from the trip to
Regina and the city itself. The
bus ride could at least be
described as character building, and I enjoyed the industry
tours offered in Regina. These
tours were organized for
WECC so visiting students
could see Regina's industry at
work. I chose to tour the city's
CO-OP oil refinery and the
SaskEnergy offices from the
wide range of options offered.
The opportunity to see real
engineers at work was a useful
one, and I learned a great deal
about engineering processes,
By Dave Moore
A busload of UBC Engineers departed for the 2002 Western Engineering Conference and Competition at 7:30 PM, on January 22. A mere 21 hours later they were greeted with room keys and
freezing nose hair. After checking in and throwing their bags in the corner, they pretty much went to
sleep. Some pretended to be awake in the hospitality suit, but were really just sleepwalking. Thursday
consisted of tours with such companies as SaskEnergy and IMC Kalium in the morning and afternoon, and bowling or pool in the evening. At 6:00 AM, on the 25th, competition day began, and it
was concluded with a well-deserved Pub Crawl. The Senior Team Design presentations began at 9:00
AM on Saturday morning. The Awards Banquet began at 7:00 PM, where UBC took first and second
place in the Senior Team Design Competition. The first place senior team members included Chad
Brown, Chris Chou, Peter Celler and Dave Pelletier. The second place team members were Wade Carpenter, Erin Lim, Nelson Siu, Lance Williams Needless to say, there was lots of drinking after the
banquet. To finish off the evening, the UBC engineers all curled up on the bus for another thrilling
21-hour bus ride back to UBC.
Our WECC Teams hard at work!
and       ethics.
Though the competition portion of the conference was a little disappointing in its organization, I enjoyed the chance to
work at a single program for an
entire morning and then spend
the afternoon seeing the innovative ideas other groups had
used to solve the same problem. The senior team design
and debate competitions, in
which I did not participate,
also improved my experience.
The trip was not entirely an
educational experience,
though. I also took full advantage of the opportunity to get to
know the other UBC Engineers
attending the conference, from
first years up to a number of
EUS executives. This was one
part of the trip that has paid off
for me since my return, as I
have found myself much more
comfortable on campus
because I have gotten to know
so   many   UBC   Engineers.
WECC was a worthwhile and
enjoyable experience for me in
every way. I learned a great
deal about engineering, met
engineers from around Western
Canada, and had a great time
despite the long bus ride and
painfully cold weather. I would
recommend it to any engineering student, especially a first
year, for the reasons I have listed above. I greatly appreciate
the support of the EUS and the
First Year Council in helping
me      to      attend      WECC.
Bonding, engineering style, over a friendly game of
From right to left: Eric Storm, Alex Kcl.uh, Mtlisvi
Tan and some U of S guy presenting their design.
By Jennifer Ross
WECC 2002 was one of the
most valuable experiences I have had in engineering
so far in my Post-Secondary
career. Besides the opportunity
to meet and network with our
WESST executive and engineering students from many
other schools, I learned a great
deal about engineering principles. I competed in Team
Design, which taught me not
only basic design, planning,
development and testing skills,
but also the the importance of
team work, flexibility, and clarifying rules and guidelines.
Our task was to launch a
"mouse" onto an island of one-
foot diameter, 15 feet away.
The winning design was a 15'
Whither WECC
tall tower, upon which the team
affixed the mouse before allowing the tower to fall, depositing
the mouse on the island. The
fact this design won illustrated
to me the importance of thinking outside the box, in a way I
am unlikely to ever forget.
This "thinking outside the box"
will be important to me in my
future education and career, as
it is the only way innovation
Watching the other events
also taught me valuable skills,
such as presentation. In particular, watching the Senior Team
Design presentation illustrated
the professionalism and clarity
required in making presentations. As I will be required to
make these technical presentations in the future to teachers,
fellow students, employers, and
clients, it was an invaluable
learning experience for me to
see some of Canada's most
innovative minds presenting
their entries.
As I continue in my studies
here in the Faculty of Applied
Science at the University of
British Columbia, the memories and lessons from WECC
will certainly stay with me,
motivating me to do my best
and to give back to the engineering community who
helped me attend the conference. I intend to stay active in
the Engineering Undergraduate Society, and the experiences
and connections I made while
at WECC will certainly assist
me in that. I am also now
thinking of joining one of the
design teams, such as SUBC,
Formula SAE or Heavy Lift,
next year, a decision made by
my experiences at WECC. February 26, 2002
Page Twelve
Member Advantaae
* VW^WSytV1        •"•   •      < MA.   \k   >S\MlM   .A   ih 1      %        ^   ^-   V    W 40u«MUHhiUM>M$/ UHf.      /ftd4   W"*      * V -A1|, IhguUvw \>MW^,4tVlf4Vh^   .V$h.YWK%'W,V   4%    V      * \^ff. V.y^, .. . VSAQfewMM, A ^IwuiV    ■
Program for Students
O I rtrvl
APEG has a student merr
dedicated to helping stu
the fields of engineering a.
your Career
on the Right Path
Become a member TODAY and enjoy the following benefits:
Tomorrows Promise
The Association of Professional
Engineers ami Oeoscienttsts of BC
200 - 4010 Regent Street
Burnaby, BC VSC6N2
Tel: W) 430-8035 Fax: $04)430
»*"*jj Toll-Free: 1-88M3Q-9B35
»** **«*T)T;.*« e-mail: $tu<fenb#apeg,bc.ca Page Thirteen
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
February 26, 2002
PPhurst Year April Exam Sthedule       Upcoming Events:
They've changed it again! Here it is, updated as of press date.
April 9 8:30:    Math 152, Linear Algebra
April 10 8:30:    Math 101, Integral Calculus
3:30:    Physics 153
April 11 12:00:  English 112, University Writing
April 22 3:30:    Computer Science 152, C+ +
April 23 7:00:    Physics 170, Mechanics I
*Note: APSC 122 and 150 do not have exams. Yay!
Be sure to check this against any electives for possible conflicts, OR undue stress (three or more exams
contained within a twenty-four hour period. Note that 8:30, 3:30,8:30 is not considered undue stress).
As well, continue checking the schedule as we near exams, as there have already been changes made.
;■ h
Tanking      Myths
There have been a lot of
rumors and questions circulating among the PPhurt Year
Engineers, and we would like
to dispel a few myths.
MYTH 1: If you go to the
Cheeze, you get tanked.
FALSE! Many people do not
appreciate the frigid waters of
the tanking pond, even though
it is only in good fun. If you
don't want to be tanked, simply
make that clear, and don't participate in the tanking of others. You won't get tanked.
MYTH 2: Girls get tanked in
their underwear.
FALSE! Girls must be given
24 hours advanced notice,
which gives them an opportunity to wear a bathing suit
under their clothes and bring a
towel. If you are planning an
advance tanking on guys (ie,
birthdays) it's a nice idea to
warn them as well, particularly
if it's cold out.
MYTH 3: You can't say "no."
FALSE! You can always
decline to be tanked. If you
seriously don't want to be
tanked, or you have an exam, or
you're sick, or... whatever, just
iet your would-be tankers know
and they will respect that. It
isn't a good idea to go around
tanking others if you don't
want to be tanked, however -
it's a little hypocritical.
I hope this helps clarify the
tanking tradition just a little. If
you have any more questions,
check out the Handbuk, or e-
mail a Tanking Rep or any
Exec... we'd be glad to answer
them. Don't let tanking keep
you away from the Cheeze!
Movie Night: Featuring pop and numchies, your favourite
movies, and a whole lot of fottl Date, time and place TBA. Stay
timed to the nEUSlettre Pp&ge 5 (available every Wednesday morning at the Cheeze), or the PPPage for more details.
PParty; Remember Consolation Prize? There will be another
pparty o*t the near horizon, stay tuned.
Review Sessions; That's right? Your PP Council is going to
dive into the depths of all of the common courses, create study
guides, condensed notes and examples, and then present it all to
you in a series of two-hour review sessions. We'll also try to have a
few upper-year Engineers present to help you with any specific
problems (no promises, though - they have exams, too!). A schedule of the sessions will be available soon.
PPPage  Updated
There have heen some major changes to the PPPage recently.
Now featuring multiple message boards, it's a place to post and read
anything and everything relevant to UBC PPhurst Year Engineers.
It's simple to use, and you have the option of joining EZBoardsor
remaining a Guest while posting. This is also a great way to communicate with your PPhurst Year Executives. Forums include
News and E*veats, Ideas for E-vents, one for each PP Course, and
a General Discussion forum.
Review and Feedback
The PPhurst Year Council is looking for your comments and feedback on how we are doing. There is only a few months left, and we
want to make them the best we possibly can. Post your comments
on what you would like to still see happen on the PPPage, talk to
any of the PP Execs, or send any of us an e-mail. We would love to
hear from you!
The PPhurst Year Executive
Have you been wondering who these mysterious people are who
represent you and spend your money? Here is a list of the PP
Execs, their positions, and how to contact them. This is also available in the Direktorie, which you can get at the Cheeze.
Moe "mofo" Forozan, PPrez: m2kl_13@hotmail.com
Stefanie Bereti, Vice PPrez: sabereti@interchange.ubc.ca
Jen Ross, Secretary: jlross@interchange.ubc.ca
Jeff Kler, Treasurer: jeffkler@hotmail.com
Rob Cross, Social Coordinator: racross@interchange.ubc.ca
Rory Johnston, sPPorts rePP: friarpuck@hotmail.com
Andrew "Sprite" Turner, Publicity: coniculus_rex@hotmail.com
Mike Yung, E-Publicity (PPPager): myung@interchange.ubc.ca
Andrew Rothbart, Ball Model Rep: rothbart@interchange.ubc.ca
Tanking Reps:
Steven Jones - steventyjones@hotmail.com
Sean Cathcart - shutup_billy@hotmail.com
Dave Moore - watcmachine@hotmail.cora
Mike Hewitt - the_brusser@hotmail.com
Brian Lee - bigfro2@hotmail.com
Graeme Young - graeme_young@hotmail.com
Were you 18 last year
and didn't work?
If you were 18 in 2001, get money back from
the government.
Get up to $199.00
If this sounds good to you, call 604-296-8785 and leave a message
Open 7:30 - Cheeze Closing
Daily donut deliveries by CountryStyle at 9:15! Only 50c - that's cheaper than in-store!
"%ot tDni«t6& ((hitta (fowt otw muff):
Coffee, Tea or Hot Chocolate: 50c or 25c with purchase of a donut or muffin
Mocha (Hot Chocolate made with Coffee): 75c
Chocolate Milk: REDUCED PRICE! $1.00
Juice boxes: 50c
Sa&ed CjoocU (detection ctuw<ie& dacty):
Donuts (delivered fresh at 9:15 every morning): 50c
Muffins: 50c half / 75c whole
Special: Cinnamon buns, bagels, Croissants: 75c
Cream Cheeze: 25c
"&eat" lood.-
Fresh fruit, seasonal selection: 25c
Oatmeal, various varieties: 50c
Kraft Dinner Easy Mac: 75c
Noodle Cups: 75c
Mini Pizzas (package of 2): $1.25
Cookies: 25c
Chips: 50c
Granola Bars: 50c
Rice Krispies - Original and Chocolatey Carmel: 50c
Popcorn (microwave): 75c February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper - news
Page Fourteen
The Frilly Pink Bloomers of SUS
Brian MacLean
VP Internal
I hope everyone had a great reading-
break. The First Year Committee just
had a skating party last week and they
are planning a big 30 hour famine for
Worldvision, tentatively set for March
The Academic Committee has drafted a
list of concerns and proposals for the university's response to future power outages
and other such crises during exams. We
will submit these to the Registrar.
Nomination forms for the SUS Leadership
Awards will be available in LSK 202 beginning March 4th.
SUS Elections will be on March 20th-22nd.
Candidate nomination forms will be available in LSK 202 beginning March 4th.
The SUS Annual General Meeting will be
held on Thursday, March 14th, from 1:00
pm to 3:00 pm in the Student Union Building.
May Tee
D. of Finance
Welcome back! Hope you all had a
nice and relaxing reading week :)
(because smileijs will make you like
my report, -fiend) The next Budget Committee Meeting will be on Tuesday, March 5th
from 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. (location TBA--
most likely the SUS Office or SUB Council
Chambers). We will be discussing Part II of
the SUS Club and Conference grants and
this year's grad fee rebates. Although only
Council members (or their designated
proxy) are allowed to vote on Budget Committee, we welcome members-at-large to
voice their opinions or concerns about SUS
finance and the allocation of student fees to
the various clubs constituted under our
Corrie Baldwin
I don't know why my MUG leader said
to, but I just couldn't manage to climb
the greased pole last week. I was talking to a guy in my MUG though, and I
heard there's a cool place called the Pit on
Campus, and I can't wait to go over there
in my new tank top and spandex pants and
see what it's all about. I hear they take
library cards as ID - that's good. I can't wait
until I turn 18 next month so I can see if all
the rumours I heard about porn stores are
true! Since my plan to catch the Italian Stallion fell through, I'm pretty bored. Poke-
mon no longer holds the same appeal to
me. At least the other first years are nice
and say 'hi' when I sit next to them in the
cafeteria in Totem. I like the new sandwich
bar. Too bad they kicked me out of the conversation pit in the SUB -1 know that janitor
was looking at me, you know, like that. He
was so cute, with those strong hairy Portugese arms stroking that mop, making the
floor so wet... I wish the SUB didn't close at
3am, I know I could have gotten his number. (Well, back to the dildo for her -Ternes) At
least those boys from first Kwak still like
me. Idon't know why they always make
me run into their rooms with a jacket on
my head before anyone sees who I am -1
guess it's some kind of kinky thing of
theirs. I wish that rash would go away
though, since the guys always want to turn
the lights off so they can't see it.
If you want to see more of me, cum visit
my website at www.cumcraver.cpm
Tim Chan
Hey yo. The Chapman Learning
Commons in Main Library is open
and it looks absolutely great! I'd
encourage everybody to go and check it
out, but don't be surprised if it's complete
ly packed during.the day. It's a great place
to hang out and study. Also, all you graduating people out there, don't forget to
apply to graduate! Yes, you actually have
to apply. You should've gotten a form in
the mail. Fill it out and return it if you ever
want to get outta here! That's about it for
me...I'm off to freeze my butt off in Edmonton!
Kat Scotton
T Social Co-ordiantor
he St. Patrick's Day Bzzr Garden is
on March 15th in the SUB Partyroom
from 4-8pm. We will have Green Bzzr and
Green Jello ShOOters, psider too, but not
green! Come out and celebrate the the fun
of St. Paddy's Day. Be sure to wear green
and enjoy some Lucky Charms.
I really don't know what Lucky Charms have
to do luith St. Patrick's Day, bat I'm happy
because there will be alcohol there, and Kat's
events are ahoays fun. Kat, you rock. Can I
have a beer? Pretty please?
Reka Sztopa
I hope that you all had a great Reading
Week and that you spent more time
doing something productive and less
time glued to the TV watching the
Olympics than I did!
Things are starting up again quickly in
Science after a much needed few weeks off
to recover from an amazing Science Week.
We are working right now on the Executive Elections, our St.Patty's Day Bzzr Garden, the Annual General Meeting, this
year's issue of the Paradigm and our SUS
Whine and Cheese. Our committees are
going strong, with Academic committee
working on Teaching Awards and looking
at the future of tuition fees in Science, Code
and Policies continuing to tighten up parts
of our constitution, and FYC working on
year-end events.
On the President front (for the record the
President back looks best in PVC pants, -fiend),
I met recently with a group of people in the
Faculty of Science working hard on
improving the success rate in second year
chemistry and biology. I am thrilled to see
the progress that has been made in that
area,- and the commitment from the Faculty of Science to improving teaching and
learning. SUS will be meeting with VP
Brian Sullivan in the next few weeks to discuss the Administration's proposed
approach to tuition at UBC. We are also
working on further, improving our existing
social space (with the last set of renos
scheduled to start in May) and looking at
options for more social space in the future.
As well, we are finishing the final report on
the SUS Survey that was run last term.
Those are just the highlights of the many
things happening in SUS these last few
months of school.
If you would like any information, have
questions or would like to get involved in
any way with SUS, please feel free to contact me at rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca or
Welcome back and have a great last half of
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i Page Fifteen
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
February 26, 2002
Wacky Island Nation
WHs Jay Garcia
>*A, -* Floater
It's nice to see the expanding
spheres of cultural integration
flowing both ways, these days.
Used to be, you could complain
endlessly that North American
cultural dominance was over-
pervasive, a kind of low-grade
social pollution spreading it's
bikini-clad Baywatch babes and
spoiled Beverly Hills teens to
the unlikeliest places in the
world where neither beaches nor
shopping malls applied. Nothing was so singularly depressing
as seeing an Alu tribesman
glued to the flickering images of
Jennifer Love Hewitt in
entrancing Slo-mo Vision, or
thrilling, of all things, to the trials and tribulations of a bunch
of soft urbanites
uprooted from their homes and
dumped into the deepest darkest
wilderness (with a camera crew
no less) in order to compete for a
million dollars in cash and
prizes. The irony would be
amusing if it wasn't all so
My pet theory is that it's all a
form of cultural warfare; that
the media, knowingly or
unknowingly conspires to present a picture of unassailable
wealth, over-the-top sexuality,
and the rampant prosperity and
its attendant vices and vicarious
thrills inherent to the North
American experience. It's a more
insidious form of penis-comparison. Ha! Take that Germany!
Outta the way France, 'cause by
God my dick's so big it has an
array of smaller dicks orbiting
around it.
Of course, what goes around
comes around, and Japan's been
pretty good at its own form of
media subversion. It may be an
opinion colored from living in a
highly Asian-saturated geographic region, but it appears
that there's an entire subculture
influenced by media stemming
from that crazy island nation.
Case in point, arcade games; all
the innovative (i.e., non "shoot-
em-dead" types) machines have
some arcanely Japanese stamp
on 'em. Super Bishi Bashi, for
instance, is this weirdly charming game where you slam these
oversized colored hemispheres
as fast as you can in time to commands on the screen; the game
is itself comprised of mini
games like "Firefighting", where
rapidly punching the red and
blue buttons "extends" the ladder of the fire truck and then
"sprays down the fire". Provide
your own subtext.
And then there's Dance Dance
Revolution; while often a subject of much derision due to the
strange, almost St. Vitus' Dance
paroxysms it invokes in its players, it cannot be denied that the
game itself has hypnotic and
addictive qualities that spread to
even casual observers. Case in
point; not too long ago, one
Physics Society president (who
shall remain nameless, to protect
his identity) was observed
"layin' down the law" to an
unruly Dance Dance Revolution
2nd Mix machine at Tinseltown.
Not long after he had started
playing, he had already drawn a
sizable crowd of curious onlookers - but whether it was to cheer
him on or to puzzle the phenomenon of a fully grown man
stompin' to the beat, who can
say? Nevertheless, the machine
and its player continued to hold
a strange, fiendish attraction
until the last phat, overproduced
beat is dropped. The inherent
Manichean nature of the game
confounds me; why pay a buck
to dance in step to somebody
else's beats when you could save
that for a cover charge to a
decent club and dance to your
own rhythm? It's my belief that
these games were created with
the sheltered young urbanite in
mind; not too socially adept, but
willing to obsessively display
mastery of a specific subtext of
skills. Basically, it's the mentality of the model-railroad hobbyist crossed with the manic energy of a hyper kinetic child.
It's not just in arcade games
where Japan unleashes its control over our hearts, minds, and
- more importantly ~ wallets.
In the crowded field of Saturday
morning cartoons and marketing tie-ins, only the Mouse that
Roars comes close to the subtle
ingenuity exerted by those
wacky fellows from the Land of
the Rising Sun. While America
may set the a large chunk of the
Northern Hemisphere's military
policy, it's Japan who influences
the next-generation of potential
war hawks. Case-in-point: trre1-
early 80's. Most pre-pubescent
boys watching Saturday morning cartoons would have been
glued to the array of colorful
adventures, featuring all manner
of   derring-do   and   dashing
heroes and heroines. At the top
of this pack were G.I. Joe and
Transformers (and, to a lesser
extent, MASK, and Thunder-
cats). All of them, however, owe
some degree of their success to
Macross (Robotech on these
shores). With successful merchandising tie-ins, kids of all
ages were waging counter-terrorist backyard warfare with 3"
plastic articulated dolls, festooned with all the accessories
that Mommy and Daddy could
buy. Does the poor little G.I. Joe
need to fly to the battle scene?
Get him the G.I. Joe Sky Raven,
to go into deadly battle against
the dreaded Cobra FANG helicopters, supported by the Wildcat and Cobra ASP, and so on, ad
infinitum, until little Johnny's
toy closet more closely resembles a miniature version of a
clandestine third-world arm's
dealer's warehouse. Any wonder,
then, from which basis future
North American military spending will spring? I'm still awaiting the day when some bright
young general will declare that
the military has a distinct need
for "polymorphic, multi-stage
attack vehicles", at which point
my childhood fantasies and
adult fears of Veritech fighters
will come to an awesome and
terrifying fruition.
Japan continues to exert its
fiendish control over the hearts
and minds of children to this
day; in greater numbers and
proportions than ever before;
but instead of getting kids
hooked on a limited number of
otherwise relatively expensive
toys, they've chosen the more
insidious route: collectible card
games. Now kids are compulsively spending their allowance
on foil-wrapped cards. Given
that the booster packs, are, on a
per-card basis about two to three
times the cost of the starter kit,
the entire affair has the air of a
back-alley drug deal, only with
digitized monsters with ridiculous names and overly cute
attacks. But hey, the first one's
always free...
Chalk one up for their marketers; basically, they've taken a
rather niche market (alienated
fantasy-freaks with a penchant
for strategy and obscure rules),
slapped a golden happy-pikachu
face on it and re-marketed it to
kids. It's like taking cigarettes
and selling them to minors -
only with more legality, and
backed up by the full fighting
terror that is Nintendo's legal
So while the upcoming generation of potential warmongers is
looking for bigger and better
toys to put in their military toy
chests, it's the next generation
that will be more strategically
pacifistic and acquisitive. If I
were a more paranoid man, I
would say that it was a big,
decades-long plot to get America to be the meanest, toughest
boy on the block, feared and
respected by all the others, and
then get him addicted to crack.
Hell, the upcoming revolution
will not be televised. It will,
instead, be heralded by funky
breakbeats, glowing conformist
arrows, and the smiling rodent
face of our one true PikaGod.
If that's the future, gimme
You are invited to....
"liquids and solids
Friday March 1st
3:00 to 6:30 pm
Chemistry D425
Live Entertainment
Admission at the
$7 members
$10 non-members
Brought to you by
SUS Annual
*■ *
March 14th,
Location TEA February 26, 2002
The Four Thirty tEUSpaper
Page Sixteen
Smooth Talker
by Ben W. and Dave T.
How To get Arrested:
by Dave T.
Barry White does his Homework
by   Jack   M-cLsren   and    Pat   Spacsk
http.:/?w¥w, pi! if .corn
One in  the
Adventures in the Frequncy Domain
If you had a dollar, which would you buy:
a newspaper, or a candy bar?
Kited beibro war sweet,-sweet master.
by Dan Ternes
Smooth Stan Goes to Bamfield
We're Dunk, Ifs Dawn and we're out of paper. There are probably mistakes in this issue, mayfe
even more than normal, for example Jay Garcia doesn't have a nickname on page 2. That's why we need editors,
so work for us or go fuck yourself.


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