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UBC Publications

The 432 Oct 4, 1995

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Array Creativity is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
Volume 9 Number 3
4 October 1995
Smokers Banned?
"Are alcohol and sex next?" asks student government
Kilgore Trout and Juan Carlo
Roving Correspondents
In a four-three decision, the
Supreme Court of Canada ruled
last week that it is unconstitutional to prevent tobacco companies from advertising their products. The lift of the advertising ban
allows tobacco products to be displayed on billboards, in newspapers, and on television.
Ironically, less than a week later,
the City of Vancouver has
announced its intent to ban smoking throughout the city. Originally,
the ban was to affect only indoor
public areas, but anti-smoking
groups are pressuring the city to
include private homes and outdoor
The result of all this is that while
tobacco companies will be allowed
to advertise their wares, it would be
illegal to smoke in Vancouver. City
police and bylaw enforcement officers would be responsible for the
enforcement of the new law, probably with a $100 fine that would
translate into an immediate
increase in city revenues.
Lawyers have claimed that the ruling by the Senate last spring that
euthanasia should remain illegal
sets a precedent for the decision, in
that smoking can be considered a
form of assisted suicide.
This interpretation has been challenged by the tobacco industry.
David Steward, Vice President-for-
teenagers of AJ Reynolds immediately condemned the anti smoking
initiative, drawing a parallel
between cigarette and gun sales.
"It's not the cigarettes that cause
horrible cancers/it's the people
who smoke them, "said Steward
"Guns don't kill people either."
Steward claims image as the main
motivating factor for smoking
"much like wearing designer jeans",
and expects that, for this reason,
cigarette sales would only slightly
decrease in the Vancouver area,
despite the proposed ban.
"Listen, as much as we like to say
it is, smoking isn't about enjoyment. It's about image. It's about
being able to walk into a 7-11,
hold <cough> your head high and
say 'gimme some Player's Extra Tar,
Non-Filtered. I'm immortal and I'm
damn well going to prove it.'
People will still be able to buy cigarettes, and that's what's important
both to them, and to <cough> us.
Listen, you got <cough> a light?"
Analysts are forecasting a serious
decline in local economic activity
as hundreds of stockbrokers, middle-managers and account executives begin to migrate to the outlying regions of the province in order
to avoid the ban.
"The millions of dollars lost by the
region by not being able to tax
these people is staggering," states
Keith Clint, Head of Figurative
Analysis of Trivial and Insignificant
Data at StatistiCorp
"And the really annoying thing is
that, because of telecommunications technology, they can continue to do their jobs over the modem
at their homes in, say, Hope, or
Spuzzum. "
Companies such as Bayer
Pharmaceutical welcomed the
potential increase in nicotine patch
sales that would accompany such a
law, but warned of massive influxes
of black market patches.
Customs Canada have already
detained several people attempting
to smuggle batch loads of cheap
imitation patches into the country.
Dr. Michelle Deagle, Professor of
Evolution with the Biology department at UBC is a leader in the fight
against the ban, on the grounds
that it is uriDarwinian.
"I'm in favour of banning smoking
in public places. It would be great
to walk around without having to
breathe someone else's cigarette
smoke, but banning smoking in
people's homes? That's going too
far." said Deagle.
"As far as I'm concerned, it's
against natural selection; weed-out
the weak and the stupid, to leave
more resources for the strong.
That's what evolution is all about.
If an individual is stupid enough to
smoke despite all the warnings, let
'em do it, I say If I had my choice,
we'd lace the damn things with
Coffee Shortage
Olund McGordvansky
A new method of payment at the UBCBookstore
Caffeine-free Correspondent
In what may be a repeat of the
proposed cold beverage deal, the
AMS has opened negotiations on
a hot beverage deal with Nabob
Incorporated of New York.
The deal isjto serve two purposes:
to update the Blue Chip coffee'
blend in use since the late 1970's
and to generate much needed revenue for the student society.
Currently, AMS Council has only
authorized the President to enter
negotiations, approving the deal
only "in principle"
Despite this provision, some students are worried about a shortage
of their favourite morning drink.
"It was awful! I went to go get a
drink of Blue Chip, but they were
all out! They said they were making
more, but I didn't believe them. All
they could offer was that Nabob
crap." said a student who wished to
remain nameless.
According to internal sources, Blue
Chip has ceased purchasing beans
from Canterbury Coffee, in anticipation of the deal.
"It's all part of facilitating a deal,"
claimed a management official,
"We don't want to have sacks of
Canterbury beans around when
we're supposed to be selling
Critics have been quick to jump to
the defense of coffee drinkers,
Claiming the deal violates freedom
of choice,
"Look, I'm just following orders,"
said the management source, "I've
been told this shows good faith in
this deal, and if that means we
have to remove every damn bean
in this place first, that's what we'll
Students are advised to stock up
on Blue Chip coffee while it's still
available. Volume 9 Number 3
4 October 1995
Chief Cynic and Pessimist
Blair "Just leave me alone" McDonald
Jay "Just don't call me Juan" Garcia
John "Just don't call me" Hallett
Matt "Just call me the Pope" Wiggin
Ink on paper by:     	
College Printers of Vancouver BC
Pickup and delivery	
Elana's red VW Passat
Contributing Realists
Sam Arnold, Anna Carvalho, Bella
Carvalho, Steve Fukada, Nicola
Jones, Dave Khan, Tracy MacKinnon,
Tessa Moon, Kathryn Murray,
Donald Rhee, Scott Thompson,
Jeremy Thorpe, Carin van Zyl
Other stuff	
The 432 is published every two
weeks by the Science Undergrad
Sodety of UBC, offices located in
CHEM B160. All opinions expressed
herein are those of the individual
Unsolicited articles and cartoons
gladly accepted. Please bring articles on disk (IBM or Mac) and a
hard copy. All material must contain
author's full name and phone number in order to be published.
Submissions from all UBC students
welcome. All rights reserved 1995.
4 OCT 1995
Another Boring
ow... a twelve page
paper, Folks, you're witnessing a bit of history.
I think there's an old adage
describing my current situation -
be careful what you wish for,
'cause you just might get it.
I wished for many columnists,
thinking that this would solve
many of my woes in dealing with
this paper. Lots of writers, I naively thought, meant the paper
would be finished earlier.
Then the columnists started
showing up. And contrary to the
normal rule of one good article
for three that made no sense, all
of the material submitted was
proofread, coherent and often
really quite funny.
This puts me in a spot. Do I run
an eight pager and hold back lots
of material, or a twelve pager and
increase my work load?
Obviously, I went with the 12,
and put myself right back to
square one.
Now I need more cartoonists to
get the written:graphic ratio back
on track. You'll see I compensated
this time by inflating all the ads.
I shared this observation with
Ryan MeCuaig, editor emeritus and
we agreed on a theory for writers
and other people who work for
the paper.
Writers are like locusts. They multiply without warning and for no
apparent reason. Then they wreak
havoc all around, drive everyone
insane, and die.
At any rate, there seems to be
lots of keen people with things to
say and a desire to help with the
paper. That's great to see,
although I'm scared they'll all
vanish into the wind if I turn
around too fast.
And they're all funny. I'm hoping this is due to some innate talent, not six months of polishing
before getting around to submit
ting their work.
Now where can I find some more
By the time you read this, I'll
have passed another milestone in
my life - the dreaded one year
mark with the girlfriend.
If anyone remembers last year's
articles, yes it is the same person.
Amazingly enough, she decided
to stay despite some of the things
I did.
Apropos of nothing at all, if you
ever find yourself in a position to
publish nasty things about a
loved one, don't do it. It causes
more personal grief than it generates laughs.
But she's still around, thankfully.
And I'm thinking about every
word I'm writing before I type it
in. And I'll be getting Matt to
read this article before it goes to
print, just in case.
Wouldn't want to destroy a relationship on the 366th day.
It's been a great 365 days, with
very few exceptions. She puts up
with so much of my sarcasm and
annoying behaviour, it's amazing
she hasn't pushed out a window.
Here's a typical example of, the
garbage I deal her.
"You know, if I were gay, Matt
would be just the type of guy
I'd like to go out with. Right,
I'm not gay. Neither is Matt. But
she's been suspicious of Matt
ever since I said that.
I'm also one of the annoying
SOBs who correct all your tiny
mistakes, or purposefully misan-
swer an innocent question.
"What are you watching?" she
"A television." I answer, knowing full well she wants to know
what program's on.
I love you, sweetheart. You too,
Vancouver School Board
Elementary Student
Do you have a interest you'd like to share vrttti a talented and gifted elementary student and
10 hours to spare?
The Vancouver School Board Is looking for volunteers with good communication skills to act as role
models, guide, tutor, coach and confidente to a less-
experienced person.
Examples of Interests Include geometry, dance, photojournalism, electronics, music, video production,
law, and every other Interest in between.
You will be listed In a mentor bank, and matches will
be developed as students'interests are registered.
Contact the Gifted
Education Resource Teacher
at the Vancouver School
Board at 732-1117.
Or talk to Anna at SUS for
more information. 4 OCT 1995
Tracy MacKinnon
Hello out there. Blair
forces me to write an article for every paper. I'm
not sure It's worth it. I mean,
who reads this page. Probably
not very many people since this
page is entitled "Mundane
Dumpster" (thanks a lot Blair).
But I used to read this page of
the paper, so maybe there are
other twisted people out there
like me, who need a break from
the amusing articles that pervade The 432. Yep, we need a
bit of reality. A very little bit.
So here goes*
This year we're working on
some constitutional changes in
SUS to grant the ex-officio clubs
(Pre-Dent, Pre-Med, Pre-Opt,
Pre-Chiropractic (HI), Science
One Survivors and Students of
General Science) voting rights in
council and also to give them
club funding. As it stands now,
only clubs affiliated with a
department (e.g., BioSoc with
the Biology department) receive
funding from SUS; but we're
hoping to change that later this
year. And those astute individuals who noticed the Pre-
Chiropractlc club, they were
AMS constituted just before club
days! The newest science clubJ
Coming up on October 6th is
SUS Octoberfest. Cheap psider
and bzzr from 8 p*ra. to midnight in the SUB ballroom.
Drinking, dancing, frolicking
and fun.
For UBC Open House SUS, the
Faculty of Science, and UBC
Food Services will be holding a
Salmon bbq, There's going to
be several local news people
there, so come by on October
13-15 if you want to see Tony
Parsons flip fish. Anna's hoping
that Squire Barnes will be at the
Stop by SUS (Chem 160) if you
want more details on the above
article, how to get involved and
the latest Simpsons episode.
Please ignore the obnoxious
men reclining on the couches.
HaHi Tracy wrote this article
when $h$ thought it was going to
be-hmied strategically placed at the
back of the paper. $o I fixed her! I
placed it tight here on page three so
everyone has to read it!
Unfortunately, placement isn't
everything. There fust ain't that
much you can do to make a report
funny and entertaining.
Informative, yes. witty no,
So everyone out tfimgfce a nice
Ug hand to alt the exec who hike
tfte time to tell you wtmfs going
on. Most of the time, I need to nag
them incessantly to get anything
written, so its nice for them to
know people do read their reports.
Youll find the rest of the reports
buried in their common place on
the second last page.
Elvis on how to win a
woman's heart.
Sam Arnold
It is with no doubt and with
slightly less than no hesitation
that I say this: Women are
weird, strange and illogical.
While many people think that
I'm the weird one, this just isn't
true. I'm a perfectly rational, logical guy who knows where his
towel is. Garfield warned us to
avoid fruits and nuts because
"you are what you eat". From this
perspective, I can only conclude
that women must eat a lot of
both. Naturally (and I mean that
literally), I'm a big fan of
women.However, I feel that I
must make my stand, regardless
of the personal consequences, in
defense of Truth, Logic, and
Power Tools.
Of course, I can't just list all the
things that make women so
incomprehensible; I don't have
enough space here. More importantly, I don't really want to be
beaten senseless for making silly
cracks like that last one. I'll just
focus rayart, uh, monologue on
the oh-so-befuddling subject of
women and flowers.Women like
flowers. They like them so much
that flowers are a form of legitimate currency with them. Thus,
men have proof of the irrationality of women. It doesn't matter
what offense a man has committed - the most common being
that the man has actually done
nothing at all - a gift of flowers
will heal all (figurative) wounds.
Ifs plain to any man that this
makes no sense. But suppose that
you - as a man - have actually
done something (forgotten an
anniversary you didn't even
know existed, or a birthday that
isn't yours). Even if you haven't -
you may think they've done
nothing wrong but women
"know better" - the time is right
to give her flowers. Why? Because
it works, they like it. There is no
reason for this strange behavior;
they just dO it. As a man, you
now know that you must give
flowers, but you must never get
the name of the flower right. Use
your Ignorance the way Luke
used the Force. In this way you
will be scoring points (hockey-
value points, mind you, not basketball-value points) by:
(a) giving flowers at all,
(b) trying to be sweet and cute
(c) by being so Ignorant,
proving yourself in des
perate need of a
Some men are in the situation
where they are giving flowers to a
woman who shares a name with a
flower (Rose, Daisy, Violet etc.).
Warning! Don't get her that same
type of flower (except roses; for
some reason known only to
women and industrial florists,
roses always work). Give her some
other type of flower and vigorously claim that it is the flower she's
named after. This will get you an
automatic overtime goal in category (c) above. Beyond the standard bouquet, there is another
type of flower that further symbolizes the difficulty that surrounds the man-woman relationship: the Corsage. The difficulty
with the corsage is that it must
(a) match the dress worn by
the woman and
(b) be affixed to said woman
by the man.
The first problem arises in trying
to determine what colour dress
the woman will wear; odds are,
she doesn't know yet. Further
complicating the matter is the
simplicity of the male colour
spectrum. We just don't have that
many colours to deal with so,
when the woman decides that
she will wear a "red" dress, the
male then gets a "red" flower for
the corsage and then discovers;
that he has acquired a "burgundy" or "fuchsia" flower. To
this day I still have to take it on
faith that "red" and "burgundy"
clash. If the male somehow survives the colour-matching stage,
you've still got to pin the flower
on the dress. To frustrate and
befuddle those men clever
enough to get to this point,
women have devised the spaghetti-strap dress or, even more diabolical, the strapless dress.
At this point, the man has less
than a 1% chance of surviving
the encounter. He may as well
save face and run away screaming
until hit on the head by a bus.
Having been able to rant away
about such a silly topic as I just
have (see above), I still consider
myself fortunate. It's not that I
don't offend women - any
woman I know will correct you
on that - and it's not that I've
never grossly offended a woman
(by the way, I find that saying
"I'm only male" seems to help; it
appeals to female logic). Then
what is my secret to calm and
happiness in this wonderful
world just filled with equally
wonderful women? I live just
across from a florists' shop.
/ can identify with Sam on this one,
folks. Currently stuek trapped enjoying a relatively long term relationship, I can vouch for the Ignorance
method's success. In fact, if
Ignorance is the Force, I'm Yoda,
Ignorance Master.
Where's my light saber gone, anyways?
Did I just talk my way out of my
relationship? Ah, shit. Not again.
Sick of all your
Calvin Klein
designer t-shirts?
We've got a deal for you...
Signups for Science Cardigans
happening now!
The trendiest clothing on campus,
Science cardigans are presently
worn only by a select few. You
could be next!
Designs also being accepted now
for the 1995/96 Science t-shirt.
Contact Alister at SUS for more
4 OCT 1995
Fresh gerbils! Get 'em while
they're hot!'
Nicola Jones
"Squeaky" Columnist
Okay, I did inform my
immediate superiors that I
don't exactly have the
well-worn cynicism and biting
humour (at least, not the kind
that jumps out and nips you from
50 feet away) of the trademark
432ist. But nonetheless I seem to
be half-committed to writing at
least One article, so here it is. And
I have been promised that the
second half of the "commitment"
doesn't come till the men in
white drag me away from my
1000th submission, which
shouldn't happen till sometime
well into grad school - if I make it
there at all.
Actually, it's not a question of
making it there or not - it's a
question of whether I'd want to.
You know, it never struck me as
odd that nearly 30,000 students
actually pay for the privilege of
sitting through the kind of lectures that sometimes turn your
brain into a hyperactive gerbil,
scrambling frantically in teeny
circles; or even the kind that
thwacks the poor thing over its
head and puts it out of its misery
for a good hour of well-needed
rest. It seemed to make sense,
somehow, I, for the good first 19
years of my life, truly believed in
the process of education. I clearly
saw the whole thing as less a
learning experience and more a
course in mental gymnastics for
your little team o' gerbils. We
weren't here to actually learn that
ep +1= 0, we were here to do cartwheels wondering at it.
No one really expected us to
derive satisfaction from reciting
the names of science's great theorists (my brother and I actually
had a competition over who had
the stupidest fundamental common-sense theory named after
them. He claimed it was in
finance -"people only spend as
much as they have", or alternately, and even more subtly - "people only spend as much as they
think they have". And these guys
weren't even related. Eerie how
genius manifests itself.
No, the whole point was to learn
how to think; to give your mind
full o' gerbils a good stretching
routine in the morning, and work
up to the cardiovascular stuff
before dousing them in a cold
shower of mind-drowning television. I believed so fervently in all
this that I could enjoy doing
other people's work, since that
counted for just as much brain-
exercising calorie burning as
doing my own.
Well, that theory just started to
get heaved out the window.
When Axworthy decided to hike
tuition, the main argument he
had to save himself was the
whiny "well, loans will go up
too," Great. So now, only the
really dedicated ones who intended to actually get a job with their
learning would dare to attend
university. You've seen them
around - they're the ones who
think they're in pre-med, study
hard for grades but will cheat if
they can, giving oh-so-helpful
false notes to those who miss
classes, they think bzzr is a typo
and look at you funny if you
mention the 432 because they
don't know it exists. They're in
for the money, and that's it. Yeah,
that really coincides with my
whole theory of education.
As a side rant, pre-med doesn't
exist! Thank you.
When I walked into my math
class, and the prof said "if you
don't have a reason to use this
stuff, you'll be a bored little gerbil", I quivered and another teeny
spring of hope and wonder died.
Hell, I'm taking it as an elective.
And when I read in the
Vancouver Sun that "the purpose
of school means... having the
ability to find employment", the
last little happy gerbil in my cage
stopped running on his teeny
wheel and decided to go for a
typo of his own.
But I have hope - there's still
nearly 30,000 of us here, not all
of us are asleep, my cynicism isn't
even well-worn yet, The 432 does
exist, I'm not in Tibet (but that's
another story), and the pet store's
still open.
I think I'll go get some fresh gerbils.
Editor's Note: No gerbils were
harmed in the making of this article.
Jeremy Thorp
Tin Plated Columnist
Scientific evidence supports
the existence of a particularly
strange human phenomenon
- in which the subject can slow
down his or her heart beat
enough that they are pronounced
clinically dead. Personally, I think
this sounds like a hell of a good
excuse for missing an exam.
"Well, Mr. Thorp, I'm afraid I'll
have to give you a zero again this
"But sir, I have a perfectly good
medical excuse, you see..."
"It better not be your pancreas
again. You only have one. I
"No, sir, it's not my pancreas.
You see, I was dead for a while..."
"Yes sir, here's a note from my
Of course, there are a few drawbacks - stopping one's heart for
extended periods of time simply
cannot be good for one's circulation, and I'm sure even a little bit
of decomposition is enough to
ruin your social life for much
more than a week. And then
there's the complications
involved with arriving in the
emergency ward with no pulse.
Chances are, a handwritten note
on your chest reading 'Dead. Back
in two hours' will not be enough
to convince the friendly medical
staff not to give you a complimentary 'Go to the morgue. Go
directly to the morgue. Do not
pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars' card.
Even if we assume you do escape
the hospital with nothing more
than a toe- tag and a few holy
water stains, be ready for a few
interesting phone calls from
health care - last time I checked,
my Care Card didn't cover resurrection services, and rising from
the dead can hardly be passed off
as a 'minor illness or injury.'
Now to some of you, this may
seem like the perfect opportunity
to milk some cash from your
friendly neighborhood insurance
salesman, but believe me, not
even Norwich Union is going to
let you collect your life insurance
claim in person.
Still, despite the obvious drawbacks, taking a little jaunt to the
underworld may prove less hazardous to your health than a
whole term of Math 101 with a
teaching assistant who bears a
more than coincidental resemblance to Genghis Khan. There
may also be a few Chem 230 for
whom the secrets of the afterlife
may be slightly more understandable than the chemical structure
of l-chloro-3191-zoro-dodecahe-
drol. To these people, I wish the
best of luck in their quest for
Disposable Immortality.
Oh, and kids - don't try this at
Lecture by Dr. Linden
If you want to get into grad school, you want to come to this lecture, it's
never too early to plan...1st and 2nd year Psychology students very
12:30 pm • Wednesday, October 4th • Suedfield Lounge
Come out to have some fun and see why Psych Bzzr Gardens have
such a great reputation.
Friday, October 6th • 4:32 pm • Buchanan A200
Please pick up articles from lockers by
October 5th. If not claimed, everything becomes the property of the
Chem Club. No exceptions! 4 OCT 1995
The Twinkle
Jay blanks out.
Steve Fukada
Like many of you out there, I
am tired. Yes, I am tired of
bumper stickers proclaiming
that "My Shop-Vac has more
horsepower than yours!", and of
those tasteless QM-FM ads ("It's
all you need to put on..." until
the car between you and the camera drives off unexpectedly.) But
these are all tolerable when
you're really tired.
I am talking about life draining,
will-shriveling, coffee bean-obliterating exhaustion. This is the
kind of exhaustion that turns you
into an irritable...thing. Not that
you become permanently evil, of
course. But it's probably quite
possible that you'll squish any
Twinkies you happen upon. I
don't know why, but squashing
Twinkies in the plastic wrapper is
a strangely merry little experience. Maybe it isn't as much fun
when you are fully awake since
that is when your brain is functioning rationally. When your
brain works rationally, you just
can't help but think that all those
Twinkies are going to waste getting squished and discarded when
they could just as easily be getting shipped to places where people might conceivably consume
the vile things.
The problem with being tired is
that it tends to mess with your
ability to make decisions.
For example, today I had three
classes, which took up three
hours of the day. No labs, no big
tutorials, nothing. First and second classes back to back, 8:30 to
10:30. Last class at
4:30. Do I want to drive all the
way back to White Rock, even if I
do get four hours to do things?
Should I skip the last class? Not"
if I'm making up for the one I
failed last year. But I still have six
hours to do something with, and
I even brought some Math texts
to do problem sets out of! Did I
see a blatantly obvious chance to
get things done?
See what I mean?
Still, I have yet to actually dedicate any appreciable amount of
time to plotting the demise of
those apparently cute little
sponge cake thingies. They
remind me of cockroaches in that
they are nearly impossible to
destroy. They probably have a
shelf life of eight years. (How do
you think the shopkeeper on The
Simpsons cuts down on overhead
costs?) But I wonder sometimes.
What, hypothetically speaking of
course, would happen to a
Twinkle in a microwave oven
pumping 900 Watts into the little
Wanna find out right now?
People tell me that I'm paranoid,
and I'm often convinced that yes,
this is connected to being tired.
What if the Hostess Company
seeks damages? What if I'm found
guilty? Why is everybody staring
at me? Stop it, all of you! Stop it,
I say! I haven't really microwaved
the Twirikie! It was a thought
experiment! Schrodinger's Cat,
except with a Twinkie and a pretty fair idea of what would happen
to it! Stop jumping to conclusions
about me, all of you!
Have you ever noticed that
when you ask someone how
much sleep they got last night,
the conversation turns into a
nasty little competition? "I got
three hours and you got four. Nya
nya nya nya." Or "I got up at four
this morning. (Yeah, I'm cool. I
know it.)" Is self-imposed exhaustion a badge of strength? Gosh, I
sure hope so.
I think I'll go to bed now.
Wait... make that the microwave.
Editor's Note: No Twinkies were
harmed in the making of this article,
although we did nuke a gerbil or two
after reading Nicola's article.
\\Wth I Jay
G ]1 V\
Interestingly enough, the older
I get, the weirder and more
interesting life becomes. Part
of this can be attributed to the
fact that, as you get older, you
have more memories to draw on.
This makes your average day a
strange melange of Simpsons
flashbacks, Babylon 5 quotations,
and X-Files -like situation (come
on now. how often do you go
D'Oh! in a day, as compared to
the number of times you say
"gee, this is just like Kafka's "The
Hunger Artist"). And let me tell
you, people who so much as mutter "the truth is out there" or
"Kosh! Kosh!" in conversation get
more strange looks than do the
loonies on the bus.
Additionally, and somewhat
paradoxically, the older you get,
the more difficult it is to actually
access those memories correctly.
I mean, just the other day, while
I was waiting for the bus to show
Canucks Challenge
The challenge will pit the Science Plasma
Super League team versus a team to be
announced from another faculty before a
Canucks game in either February or March
We need 2D people to purchase $164 Adult
Pack of tix, consisting of:
one pair tix to a Canuck game
one pair tix to a Grizzlies game
and one single ticket to another Canucks
That's five tix, in the mids!
Then, we need to sell 140ticketstothe
Canucks game we play at, and these tickets
include a pregame tour of GM Place.
If you re interested in this, contact
Anna at BUS.       .
Philosophy Students Association (PhiLSJV.) finds itself alive and
well after a two year hiatus...
Phil.S.A. Bzzr Garden • Fri, Oct 13
Arts 200
Phil.S.A. Discussion Groups • 4:30
Every Wed at International House
Check out the bulletin board on the third floor of Buchanan El
up, I hear this voice from somewhere behind me yell^ "Hey, Jay!"
Normally speaking, such a greeting is not one of the best you can
give me (it's not the worst,
though — that one would have to
be reserved for the act of grabbing
me by my shoulder, spinning me
around and asking me in a low,
growly voice, where the hell is the
money I owe you). Usually, being
greeted like this leaves me jittery
and nervous. I mean, I like to
know where my salutations are
coming from.
Anyway, by now, the speaker (an
attractive young lady) had come
up to me and began a conversation in which I gamely tried to
follow along. As we got on the
bus, we wound up speaking about
classes that she had taken last
year, and what she was doing this
year, and how much fun we used
to have hanging out together. It
should have been a fairly pleasant
conversation. The only problem
was, I had no bloody clue who
the hell she was.
Now, this is rare. While I may
forget the occasional name or
detail, I had never in my life, up
until that point at least, completely forgotten the existence of
somebody. And an attractive
somebody at that. So, desperately, I tried dropping some fairly
obvious hints, trying to see if I
could localize a time or a place
when we had been together by
stacking some loaded queries into
our conversation. "Um, remember
Mr. Jouberfs grade 12 physics class?
When he brought in the goldfish
tank, and put in exactly as many
fish as there were people in the class,
men tossed in a piranha, saying that
the number of goldfish left at the
end of the term would roughly
match the number of people who
passed the course? Wasn't mat a
hoot?Hah, hah..."
Unfortunately, she never seemed
to get the hint that I had no idea
who she was, and, at that time
(some half and hour into our
conversation), I didn't exactly
have the courage to stop and ask
her for her name. She ended up
getting off the bus somewhere
near 41st and Main.
(PS. if you're out there reading
this, I'm sorry I forgot your name.
And could you please drop by
Chem 160 sometime? I still have
your copy of "The Grapes of
The next time you see me wandering around Chem 464 with
my copy of Moby Dick muttering
"I coulda sworn that my english
discussion group was around
here somewhere!", be kind. After
all, you could end up just like me
in a few years...
As an aside, if any of you end up
like Jay... shoot yourself. You'll eternally be glad you did. PAGE SIX
4 OCT 1995
Driving Miss
Scott Thompson
In the many years that I have lived, I have slowly (very slowly, sOme
might add) learned a few of life's lessons... Simple things like
"always say please and thank-you", "always remember to flush and
put the lid down", "always remember to raise the lid first", and "never
tell a girl that she'd be a rich prostitute" (she won't take the intended
compliment very well).
Recently, however, I have stubbornly learned a new lesson. It is perhaps the most profound thought that has ever come to me, and will
doubtlessly save me hours of pain and torment in the years to come. I
thought that I would help you avoid this same pain and torment and
so I will pass this bit of wisdom on to you: never let anyone drive your
This has not been an easily learned lesson. It has been slowly beaten
into my head by mistake Upon mistake upon mistake.
My first mistake was in letting a 13-year-old, whose only previous driving experience was on a Nintendo, drive my car for $5. My reasoning
was that if I had to (which I was quite sure I wouldn't) I could always
pull on the e-brake. After trying to start my already started car 4 times,
(and laughing at the "CoOl" sound that it made) the kid's first move
was to take his foot off the clutch and try to put it in gear... perhaps
an explanation on the workings of a car was in order. Then again, it
probably wouldn't have helped, as the rest of his drive resembled
Flight Simulator, as played by a three-year old.
The day wasn't a total loss though... I did learn a few things, like two
people pulling on the steering wheel in opposite directions causes the
car to go straight. Pulling on the E-brake while doing 50 in a crowded
parking lot causes the car to fish-tail and hit an unwary pedestrian,
and never give out your real name.
I suppose that my second major mistake was not so much in allowing
someone else to drive my car, but in surrendering control of my car. It
was at a car rally and I was in a somewhat less than coherent state, (ie.
Drunk) where I made Justin (someone I had met 3 minutes earlier)
promise not to let me do anything stupid with my car. I vaguely
remember a few things from that night:
(a) using my shoe to measure, in feet, (go figure) a big red Canada-
post mail box to see if it would fit in the trunk.
(b) Trying to figure out why all the other cars stopped at that last
(c) coming to the sullen realization that I was doing five times the
posted limit.That was the first and last time I drove drunk. My only
defence is that I was too intoxicated to realize that I was drunk.
My next mistake was performed downtown. I was attempting to
teach a somewhat baked 15-year old how to drive in an underground
parking-lot. She was actually doing remarkably well; at least until I
tried to teach her to parallel-park between a BMW and a Lexus. After
getting a quarter of the way in, she proceeded to slowly inch my car
forward up to the Beamer until we just bumped... then, without turning the steering wheel, she would pop it into reverse and slowly back
up to the Lexus, which happened to have an alarm. She would set it
off, which would elicit a short, high-pitched giggle from her. The
alarm would last all of 20 seconds, at which point she would stop giggling, turn deadly serious, shift back into first and move back towards
the Beamer.
This continued for some 15 minutes until we were invited to leave by
a guy in blue over-alls and a cute little oval name-tag with a name so
un-pronounceably long that, in order to fit, it had to be hyphenated
and embroidered in 3 point text. Seeing as I would not have been very
likely to drive much better than the current under-age driver, (See
above note about never driving drunk again) I chose to let her drive...
using mostly side-walks.
I innocently tossed one of my best friends my keys and asked him to
get my car out of the driveway. That he did, by the most direct and
efficient method possible: Straight back into a ditch.
It still befuddles me as to exactly how he managed to accomplish
such a feat. The driveway was curved, so he first, without turning,
brought my car right to the edge of the ditch, then he stopped, adjusted the radio, looked up at me, gave me something along the lines of a
smile and a thumbs up, then accelerated straight into the ditch.
So if you're lucky, you'll learn from my mistakes and never allow anybody to get a hold of your steering wheel; and if I'm lucky, you won't,
and someday when I'm baked out of my mind, I'll wrap your car
around a totem pole and get the revenge that I so rightfully deserve.
Scotfs learned a basic lesson of life - never let anyone else drive your car.
Borrow my clothing, maybe. Use my toothbrush, fine. But borrow my car...
never. And that rule applied even when I drove a '75 VW Bug that was
worth $50 as scrap.
Attention all Science students: this is an importantn
announcement, so listen up!
We want you. Nope, we're not
that desperate, but if you're still
reading this that means you'e
cool and all cool people belong
in SOGS. So come on and find
out what we're all about
Monday Morning
8:30 • Chem B160
Friday October 6
SUB 205
Members get one free beverage
CP «AUirti AND Mlttf
IT UP. ^
A typical problem at UBCs Central Kitchen: a fly in
the pudding. 4 OCT 1995
School is one of those mysterious things that nobody
understands. Take, for
instance, how you talk about it.
In first year, I (much like everyone else) made sure that every
time I referred to my life at UBC,
I used the word 'University'. I
thought that it was important to
make the distinction between
school and University since, at
the time, I believed University to
be a greater, better extension of
the grade school education system.
All that wonderful ideology has
been beaten out of me, however,
and now (in third year) I refer to
UBC (much like everyone else) as
What happened? Well, for
The First Year Committee
of SUS is looking for new
members to help plan and
present activities to first
year Science students.
If you're interested, wander
into SUS (CHEM 0160) and
talk to Jay.
starters, I started looking at UBC
as a vast reservoir Of cheap bzzr
rather than a great fountain of
knowledge. I also reverted to rriy
high school philosophy that the
best way to excel in a course was
to attend as few classes as possible. That way, you quantized your
exposure to information, and
maximized your absorption
Try it, it works. You can optimize
your academic performance
through this method by ingesting
vast quantities of alcohol
between classes, as well.
Something I respect is that this
particular method isn't for everyone. Some people have actually
reported a drop in academic per- .
formance during implementation
of this method. I know it's hard
to believe; I would have dismissed
these findings completely if I
hadn't witnessed them first hand.
<begin flashback sequenco
. It was a beautiful, sunny Tuesday
in September. I had just walked
into SUS and was busy in the
process of greeting my old friends
when something glinted in the
sunlight and caught my attention. I quickly adjusted my gaze
to rest upon that which had so
abruptly pulled my focus away
from my friends. It was a glass
bottle containing Psider. The
Gods themselves must have sent
this sacred holy bottle to me as a
sign that I was the chosen one to
drink it. I grasped the glimmering
glass in my hands and sighed as
the familiar phssist echoed
through the room signaling the
impending guzzle.
I left SUS shortly there-after on
my way to my first class of the
day. I was saddened, however, by
the stark lack of alcoholic beverages on my person. I wept a single tear to show my dismay. My
dear companion Jay heard my stifled sniff and graced my hand
with an unopened Apple Psider to
consume in class.
The class passed quickly and, at
the end of it, I found myself
enroute with my friend Kim to
the ethanol shrine of North
Campus known to the masses as
At this shrine we participated in
the sacred worship of the two
Gods Bzzr and Pale Ale. Much
rejoicing soon followed as we
wound our way back to Kim's
next class. We were so enraptured
with our newly found sense of
community that we felt the need
to lean on one another to help us
<end flashback sequenco
Um... yeah, right, that overly
descriptive type style gets grating
fast, eh? Anyway, Kim later
reported that she had troubled
doing simple academic things in
that class like: paying attention,
taking notes, not drooling on said
notes, and avoiding overt giggling. After the class she reported
having trouble with such elementary motor tasks as walking, but
those are hardly related to learning, right?
Anyway, it's clear that more
research is required on this and
related subjects. So I'm off to The
432 Laboratories to volunteer as a
subject. The results should be
published this issue.
The experiment John's speaking of
went off without a hitch. While I
was out hiking around the boonies
with my Ecology class, John smuggled about $300 worth of booze and
proceeded to get straight pissed up.
I returned three hours later to find
an entire bar set up where I normally do the paste up, and John Hallett
reeking of cheap rye whiskey.
'Needless to say, the written material on this experiment (copious that
it was) made absolutely no sense at
So I've put it on the back burner
until next issue. I'm hoping John
can make sense of it after he sobers
up a bit.
By the way, I think John has a
drinking problem. After all, he went
to all the problem of setting up a fictitious experiment, down to the safety goggles just to give himself an
excuse to get plastered.
Get help, John. The phone number's
in the book.
Oct 16 ■ 18    ;
4 OCT 1995
'I've got that
My brief foray into the vegetarian lifestyle ended tragically last
week when I succumbed to the internal pressures of my body
and ate some meat. It should be noted for the record that I
was a vegetarian for the week and a half prior to the "chicken incident" but nevertheless I cannot go back now having succumbed to the
dark meat.
I envy you vegetarians 'Cause no matter how much tofu I eat, it will
never fill me up. I could probably eat a metric tonne of tofu and not
even make the weight room scale flinch provided there are bathroom
breaks of course. But somehow you guys manage to do it. Sometimes
there's a little salad dressing and a couple of croutons but one green
salad and you're stuffed. It's mind boggling.
No one forced me to become vegetarian for that week and a half but
to sustain it any longer was just too much for my body to handle. Sure
it was a period of great moral consciousness as I potentially saved half
a cow from extinction and a short afterlife between two sesame seed
buns but my personalphysical discomfort included a constant never
ending craving that I had never felt before. I felt a continual craving
for meat much like pregnant women mythically crave dill pickles and
pistachio ice cream. Bowls of cheerios and instant noodles just weren't
doing the job and the feeling in the good ol' tummy was always an
empty one as if something important was missing. Something juicy.
Something that would make everything well again. Something that a
nice thick t-bone steak with gravy couldn't fix in a jiffy.
Of course none of this would have came about if I wasn't cooking for
myself this year and paying for all my own groceries. My mom even
Insisted that I get a telephone line this year so that I could have 24
hour cooking help whenever I needed it (but I don't think that's the
primary reason for the phone cause she's the one bothering calling me
all the time). For a person with no real income, meat in general is
quite expensive and is almost a luxury item. On my first trip to the
meat department at Safeway, I quickly came to the conclusion that
unless I acquired an appetite for cow tongue ($1.19/kg) or chicken
hearts (36 for $1.69), meat would be a rare and an infrequent menu
selection for me in the weeks ahead. So I shifted over to the wiener
and luncheon meat section and after a second pondering plates full of
hot dogs and pepperoni sticks for the next couple of weeks I decided
that I wasn't as desperate as I initially thought I was. At least not yet.
Tofu and beans anyone?
I guess the day that I decided enough was enough was the day that I
found myself circling the local Kentucky Fried Chicken establishment
on my bike trying to keep downwind of the chicken fumes. Quite simply I snapped. With my stomach growling I swallowed hard and
entered Safeway and broke a twenty dollar bill with my anti-vegetarian meat purchase. Such extravagance and rebellion on my part but it
was well worth it. I even noticed that the cashier had paused during
the transaction as if this was no ordinary purchase of meat and that
perhaps there was some kind of evil afoot. Nevertheless, the trip home
was uneventful as I protectively carried my prized food on my back
much like my ancient cave dwelling ancestors did after a long hunt
for food in the wilderness. The only difference being that they had a
freshly skinned raw sabre toothed tiger slung over a shoulder and I
had processed meat wrapped up in saran wrap on a styrofoam tray in
my backpack.
The snapping of the juices as the meat cooked on the stove sent my
taste buds tingling to another level. Add levels in the stomach
reached fantastic new heights and saliva production went into double
overtime. It was just another case of the mind saying no but the body
saying yes yes yes!
I added some pepper and oregano and with the meat nice and cooked
I turned off the stove. "No e.coli or salmonella here!" I triumphantly
proclaimed as I sat down at the table and examined this culinary masterpiece complemented with a nice side dish of rice.
So the big moment came and I closed my eyes to savor the taste and
popped in my mouth the first of many chicken hearts that I would
have that night.
They're actually not that bad. They taste a little like meatballs but are
a little more chewy and the real kicker was was that they were on sale
that week and I went back and bought some more! Now I wonder
what tongue tastes like...	
Instant, powdered insanity.
Sapphaerra Murray
After reading the last issue
and hearing all about ,
everyone's bookstore-back-
rant, I decided I'd give writing
my own rant a shot.
Believe it or not, I managed to
get Telereg to work for me this
year (despite the fact that it
couldn't decide what faculty I
actually wanted). You see, I have
a problem (actually, many,
according to my mother).
Due to lack of sleep and some
days spent on over-heated buses
during the summer, I decided to
make the jump. I reformed. Took
the plunge. Altered myself (not
physically - or at least that's what
my friends think). I switched faculties. As a result I'm now a first
year Science student and a
Second year Artsie simultaneously. Hence my problems.
I decided to reduce my financial
problems this year by getting a
job. So this summer I got a job at
C.A.A. - Caffeine Addicts
Anonymous. This noble institution is also know as "stellar-dollars" (due to contractual agreements I'm not allowed to bash
the institution by name). This
wonderful factory gives umpteen
penurious students work while
using their product to make their
employees completely dependent
upon their good will.
I have managed to withhold
from the domination as I don't
drink coffee (yet, but according to
other Science students it's only a
matter of time). Still, due to vast
number of employees they manage to "process" they are good;
about sharing their employment
opportunities with all Of us
oppressed zombi...studerits.
Back to the title. Due to fiscal
constraints (few hours of wOrk for
literally beans]), I am required to
work again through this academic
year. As the general consensus of
my pals is that my life is complete insane - always was, always
will be - here's my how to list.
That's how to go insane, by the
1. Get a job. Preferably off campus, with a required minimum of
hours that you need to work that
is higher than the hours of lecture arid lab time that you have
each week.
2. Work more than the required
3. Don't drinkxoffee. Eat chocolate instead - that way you get a
sugar and a caffeine rush at the
same time. (Chocolate and coffee
have about the same amount of
4. Become a Science student
with aspirations of getting into
physiology. (For any Artsie this
step alone could certify you). If
you want to do this with flair,
apply for Eng.Phys.
4. Get yourself involved with as
many clubs as you can - preferably from other faculties (so that
you can prove how open minded
and well rounded you are).
5. Find an significant other (SO)
of your choice. If they live near
enough for you to see them
almost once a week but not more
often, the frustration will drive
you around the bend!
6. Live at home. Trying to
explain to one's parents that you
were studying Biology and
Chemistry in a car with one's SO
until 3 am on a "school night"
will really help.
7. Learn how to bounce and how
to become hyper at a moments
This final step in conjunction
with the others will have the
Loony Bins coming to you and
begging you to enter. Barring
that, you might manage to survive the next few years of
this...Place. I sure hope that this
For those of you who didn't figure it
out, the institution in question is
Starbucks. You hear me... Stttaaarr
rrrbuuuuckkksssss! She may have to
keep quiet, but I don't.
Just had to slip that in one more
50/50 DRAW
fundraiser for the United Way
If interested, contact Anna at
V 4 OCT 1995
A gullible
Canadian, eh?
Carin van Zyl
You know, up until recently,
I was under the mistaken
impression that sheep were
docile, friendly, and easy going, if
only lacking a little in the intelligence department, but let me tell
you, nothing can be further from
the truth.
In keeping with the tradition
that I am always the last to know
important things, no one told me
that sheep are not the docile,
easygoing, somewhat vapid creatures that I believed they were. I
found this out in Scotland. Poor,
unsuspecting me goes to the
Highlands, quivering in excitement at all the cattle around (city
life had deprived me of simple
pleasures), but the sheep rocked.
There were lambs frolicking
around, and I just lapped it up, a
typical chick weakness, until I
had the misfortune of getting up
close and personal with the
damned beasts.
This happened on the road from
Glen Nevis to Loch Lomond. The
mad Scot driving the bus stopped
next to a remote, well populated
sheep field, challenged any one
aboard to leap the barbed wire
fence, charge across the field,
throw himself in the lake at the
end of it, and run back in under
two minutes. All this for six
beers. Now, I'm no athlete, but
this looked really easy. Strangely,
no one went for the bait, but I
was feeling particularly reckless
that day (probably the result of
the earlier visit to a whiskey distillery) and I volunteered. The
crazy Scot laughed, muttered
something about gullible
Americans - which really bit my
butt - and yelled go. I ungracefully vaulted the fence, ripped my
new jeans, but carried on anyway,
defiantly singing O Canada at the
top of my lungs.
Then I hit the peat bog. This
nifty stuff is really black, thick,
smelly organic mud which later
becomes oil. I was running
toward the lake, politely avoiding
the sheep, and the next thing I
knew, I was waist deep in this
crud. Of course, there was a loud
explosion of laughter from
behind. I gamely hauled myself
out of the morass, and dutifully
threw myself in the frigid water.
That's when I decided that the
white T-shirt had not been the
brightest choice of clothing.
Nonetheless, with patriotic fervor, I started back.
I should have picked up the bad
vibes right away, but my feminine intuition was not doing its
usual overtime. All the sheep
were looking at me racing back
up the slope, but not in that
endearing, vacant way they usually did. The combination of out-
of-tune national anthem, reeking
mud, and now transparent t-shirt
must have been more stimulating
than they could bear, because
they all started running for me,
bleating crazily. They ran up to
me on all sides, and butted my
legs, bellowing and snorting.
With my life flashing before my
eyes, I leapt inexpertly over the
fence, just barely evading a particularly enraged hell-sheep, incoherent with fear, and begged for
an immediate intravenous infusion of the six beers I had just
To add insult to injury, the mad
Scot who tricked me into this
produced six Buds, for Christ's
sake! He couldn't even buy me a
decent Scottish brew! And then,
he laughed at me for being the
only one who ever fell for the
whole thing, and blamed
Canadian genes for my apparently record gullibility. I protested
weakly that night over a strangely
comforting meal of mutton and
Molson, all the while engrossed
in a story about a breed of local
mountain goat that had the legs
on its right side longer than those
on its left in order to navigate
more easily laterally along the
steep Scottish slopes. I have to
believe that I'm not the only one
who wondered what happens
when the unfortunate creature
tries to turn around.
Question for the audience-when
you read the phrase "mad Scot" does
an image ofGroundskeeper Willy
flash into your mind's eye?
Day of the longboat
10 people per war canoe on a
2km route
Salmon L3r3Q follows finals
Sign up through Science and be
eligible for rebates]
Registration deadline:
Wednesday October 11
Register at SUS • Chem L3160
Oct 20 .-21,1995
A Triple Crown
The Trek for Education
Universities and colleges play a crucial role in creating and communicating
the ideas which continously shape our society.
We call upon Parliament to balance the federal budget by reducing the
$7.2 billion in corporate tax breaks and subsidies rather than cutting
$6.6 billion from post secondary education, healthcare
and social services.
We call on the provincial government to intorduice legislation restricting
the increase of tuition
13 engines AND treble charger
WlOth   *
The Trek Route
^Cortnaught Park
Organized by the Alma Mater Society, UBC Student Union.
Call David Borins at 822-2050 for info
Support the Trek! PAGE TEN
4 OCT 1995
Blurbs from Election Candidates
Matthieu "Frenchy" Maftei
General Officer
Greetings, fellow students.
My name is Matthieu
'Frenchy* Maftei, and I'm
running for the position of SUS
General Officer. If I wa* really
running in the elections, I would
make big politically and socially
acceptable promises in exchange .
for your votes. But since there are
four positions available for
General Officer, and there are
only three people running for
them (including myself), I'm
already in. So you'll have to
accept it. And to hell with
democracy. HAH AHA!
As General Officer, I will begin
by taking over the Faculty of
Science. Then, I will form my personal army and declare myself
Emperor. A bit like Napoleon did
before the Brits got him (I fart in
their general direction). I will take
over the world and magically
transform all living creatures into
small furry animals. I will then
bring them all together in a dark
cave and have them groove with
a pict (a bit like in that Pink
Floyd song). So start repenting,
all yee mortal earthlings, the
French are taking over the universe!
Warrick Yu
General Officer
Hi! My name is Warrick Yu,
and I'm running for
General Officer of the SUS.
Some of you might have met me
before, but for those who don't
know me, well, I'm Warrick! I
don't ask for much from you people. I just want to to vote, andv
preferably, for me. "Yes, of course!
Kevin Phung
First Year Rep
Hello...Hi...How are you?? A
minute ago I was sleeping
but Jay Garcia called and .
demanded a 200 word "blurb" as
he calls it. "What am I supposed
to write about", I demanded.
"About yourself", he barked back
to me. Oh okay, that should be
simple enough. I view myself as
an active kind of guy. You know
the guy that takes risks and looks
like James Bond only better... The
only problem Is when I look in
the mirror, the image I see is kind
of guy that listens to mothers. I
got up and decided to sleep on
the couch in my living room
instead. The next day I spent trying to do homework while watching Green Bay play Jacksonville.
Boy did I have several adrenaline
ruches. I did get some physics
work done because I am Chinese
and have an incredible ability to
understand Professor Ng. Enough
of that, I'm getting off topic.
It is about here where I make
promises that I couldn't possibly
keep. But instead, I'll believe that
as "First Year Science Rep" I am in
the same position you are. "I
don't know anything about this
place." But what I do know is that
we're a bunch of dedicated and
bzzr loving individuals who have
a responsibility to do what we
can for you as a student. I mean it
when I say that if you have any
problems, other than with your
boy friend or girl friend or even
with same sex friend, you can
come to us. Usually I'm at6 the
sub arcade playing that cool
Daytona game with that cool little shifter but I do have a box in
the S.U.S. if you need to reach us.
By us I refer to Hiro Izumi and
myself. So again if you have any
comment, recommendations, or
complaints please don't hesitate
to find Hiro and talk to him.
After I tell you about what I will
do for you, I must stress what I
will not do. I will not give you
any advice. Unlike others who
will insist that you join clubs and
save that animal or forrest. I will
tell you to do want you want to
do. Do what you like and not
what others want you to do. Oh,
no I just gave you advice and
contradicted myself. I better
Thank you for reading and
please have a good year while getting those Med school marks...:)
email at Kphung@unixg.ubc.ca
First Year Rep
First and foremost, I would
like to thank all those who
voted, and a special thanks
to all those who voted for me.
Thanks to your votes, I've won an
overwhelming victory over all the
other candidates.
Well, let me tell you the reason
for my participating in student
1.1 was told I could get a free
UBC Science T-shirt.
2. Seeing that I might fail-out
this year, I thought I might as
well get my name immortalized.
3.1 was told you get free donuts.
Now that you know how dedicated I am to serving you, I'd also
like to tell you that I believe I can
fairly and effectively represent
most first year students because:
1. I don't understand a word
any prof says.
2. All my texts still have the
plastic wrappers on them.
3. My notes are illegible.
4. I've failed my first Calculus
5. Need I say more?
So there you have it. My partner
Kevin and I will be at your service
(or disposal).
Comments, Concerns &
Complaints should be directed to
Kevin. Commendations should
be directed to me. Well, thanks
for reading, and congratulations
if you got this far. Good luck and,
if you don't see me this term I'll
probably see you in Math 100
next term.
Parisa Mehrlehoduvandu
Biochemistry Department Rep.
Hi. I'm Parisa
Mehrlehoduvandu and I'm
your Biochem rep for the
Science Undergrad Society. I'll be
working with the Science
Undergrad Society and the
Department of Biochemistry. I'm
very approachable, and if you
need any help at all, feel free tp
come on down and talk to me or
leave me a message at Chem
Biology Department Rep.
Hi. My name is Sia
Adjudani, and I'm running
for the Biology department representative on the council. I transferred over from
Langara College this past
September. Being part of the
council is very important to me
and a great opportunity to represent all of you intelligent, iife-lov-
ing, environmentally conscious,
fellow biology students on the
council. Part of my duties will
include voting on decisions and
matters that effect all of us. As
you know biological sciences are
one of the most important of all
sciences, and decisions regarding
funds to our clubs and events and
other things are equally as important. I plan to make my duties as
your biology department rep. one
of my top priorities, and hope to
have your support all the way. I
invite all of you, especially the
first year biology students to take
part in different events this
school year. I thank you all and
wish you luck.
Troy Loss
Chemistry Rep
Hi, my name is Troy Loss,
and I am running for the
position of Chemistry Rep
(after hanging out in the SUS
office too much, they pushed me
into it). My campaign for this
position has been tactful, I have
already won it (by acclimation).
Seeing I am going to sit on the
council, the public should have
some idea of what kind of person
For starters, I am taking the
Honours in Chemistry
Environmental Option program.
Some may think that I would not
have much time to spend on
other things besides studying,
this position is going to be one of
two extra activities to keep me
from going crazy. Generally, I am
liberally minded, but a fiscal conservative, and I don't trust politicians as far as I could throw 'um.
Another thing that really annoys
me is political correctness.
During this year, with being on
council, hopefully we can pull off
a few good pranks on the 'Geers
an the Artsies. If anybody in science has any good ideas, write
them down, and put it in my
box. In addition, if anyone has
general bitches and moans, let
me know about it.
Remember to vote, and thanks
to everyone who signed my nomination.
Tsun-On Carmel Chan
Physiology Rep.
My name is Carmel Chan
and I am a second year
transfer student. My
major is Honors Physiology and I
am the department representative
of Physiology this year. If you
have any questions or problems
related to the physiology program, or you are concerned with
the welfare of the physiology
majors, please feel free to contact
me through the Science
Undergraduate Society. I will be
glad to offer any possible assistance. I would like to thank all
those who have nominated me
and I'll try my best for this post.
Your support is cordially appreciated. Thank you.
Running for Psychology Rep.
Hi. I'm Marc Deeby and I'm
running for Psych rep for
the Science Undergrad
Society. I'll be working with the
Science Undergrad Society and
the Department of Psychology.
So, since elections are on October
16th to 18th, please vote for me!
Running for Psychology Rep.
I am a third year student currently working towards my
B.Sc, in Biopsychology. I am
running for Psych Rep. for the
Science Undergrad Society. I am
concerned about student involvement (or lack of it) in the science
faculty. I believe that students
(especially first year students)
should be aware of events and
opportunity awaiting for them. I
would encourage simple changes
such as distributing memos to
professors of upcoming events so
everyone is aware of these events.
Chalkboards always attract you
people since you persist to copy
everything written down by your
profs. Therefore, notices on
chalkboards work for me. Having
trouble approaching a prof?
...with courses?...finding a building? Experiencing social problems? Do you feel as if no one is
listening? Arggg!!! Trot on over to
the SUS Office Chem 160B so I
can help. Agreed, I'm not a professional councellor and I
promise not to offer you the
"shrink couch". But, I assume you
that having experienced the anxieties and frustrations in my years
here, I can understand where
you're coming from. I have had
experience in peer counselling
and I am an excellent listener. I
don't have solutions for everything but I will try my best to
address your concerns.
All this is great but nothing can
happen without your coming out
and voicing your concerns. Being
informed is the key to unlocking
many doors in order to get ahead.
Use me as that key (Oh god! I'm
beginning to sound like a politician.)
So what's my point? Take advantage of all that I have to offer.
Start by making sure you vote in
the SUS elections. I promise not
to let you down!
Most of the above people are being
acclaimed, with the exception of the
biopsychology rep, which will have an
election on Oct l6-l8.Tbe following
positions are still vacant and can be
filled by wandering down to SUS and
talking to Tracy.
Geophysics / Astronomy
Statistics 4 OCT 1995
The Drawers of SUS.
Anna Carvalho
Dave Khan
StfD the Public Relations Officer, despite an attempted coup.
He'd like a catchy tide to go right here.
First off, before I start yammering about all sorts of
things going on in the world
of Public Relations, I should
explain why I'm still the one
writing this five-solumn-inches
worth at the back of the paper.
If you read The Summer 432,
you know that I wasn't going to
be PRO this term. Well, things
have changed, and your Council
has graciously allowed me to finish my term of office ("you like
me! You really like me!"). So I've
tossed my $10 into the ol' SUS
pot, and here I go!
The United Way campaign is in
full swing. Science has raised $6
by entering a team in the Tug-6-
War held last Friday. It would
have been a lot of fun, I'm sure, if
only the Geers hadn't let the
swimmers steal the rope. Ah well.
With a still a little to go to reach
our goal of $2000, we will be
holding a society-wide 50/50
draw (all money raised from ticket sales will be divided—50%
goes to the winner, 50% to the
United Way). Tickets are $2, and
you will be seeing ticket sellers
cropping up everywhere.
SUS has recently teamed up
with the Vancouver School Board
in an Elementary Science
Mentorship programme. The idea
is for people with an interest in
Science (presumably you folk registered in our fine faculty) to get
together with a gifted elementary
student who is interested in a
particular field of science. The
program requires 10 hours of
your time between now and
December—not a whole lot of
time to give to what will be an
incredible experience. If you'd
like more information or an
application form, contact me at
SUS (822-4235) or by email
For those of you in your graduating year, you may be interested to
know that the Class Act campaign is underway. I've skillfully
passed the buck to Dave Khan,
who will be the Science Rep to
Class Act. *
(I suppose I should insert some
sort of AMS Report here, since
that is part of my job at the present. Hmmm...well, AMS Council
formed another ad hoc committee and then moved to adjourn to
go to the Senate meeting, so last
Wednesday's meeting was quick
and painless.)
Finally, to keep you up to date
on all SUS happenings, tune into
CiTR 101.9 FM Thursdays at 5:30
for the SUS Report on "Bork!
Bork! Bork!"
Bork! Bork! Bork!
SUS Report
CiTR 101.9 FM
Thursdays at 5:30
"i! This is your boring exciting, stimulating Senate report for
this week. I've promised myself (probably in a drunken stupor)
.that I would write one for every 432 paper this year (ouch!).
Considering I have absolutely nothing to say this week, though, I
don't know what the hell heck I'm going to say.
Anyway, judging by the amount of Senate-related email I have
received today, and the multiple Ubyssey articles on the same, I figure
the last Senate meeting (Wednesday, Sept. 20) was rather interesting.
Of course, this is all second-hand information; being the studious
Senator I am, I realized all too late (12:30 am over a pint at the Pit is a
little late even for interesting and unending Senate meetings) that I
had missed it. The worst part of this is, there's only one a month anyway. If this happens again, needless to say, you won't have to read a
boring Senate article from me again!!
Getting back to the point. The Big Brou-Ha-Ha over at Curtis last
Wednesday centred around the MacEwen report: (what else?). The
Faculty of Arts is still trying to get the ban on admissions to the
Political Science department lifted; Dean (of Graduate Studies) Grace is
holding the line and protecting the rights of the students and the disenfranchised all over the world (supposedly). Me, I believe that
although the MacEwen report sounds flawed (I haven't actually read it
per se, but I trust the common judgement of my fellow Senators),
there is a problem there. From my experience with other controversies of this sort, whenever a $200,000 report is commissioned, hundreds of minutes of testimony given before lawyers, and admission
banned by the Dean, there must be something a little skewed.
Anyway, we shall see what happens. As long as the powers that be
don't unduly influence the system, everything should be resolved
through normal channels. The
Dean's Advisory committee
should look extensively into the
issue, and until it recommends to
Dean Grace that the problems
have been or are being remedied
by the PoliSci department,
admission should be banned.
Hopefully the Senate will support
the Dean in this respect
(although pressure will be high
not to from different camps, Arts
being the largest). Of course, the
CBC and Globe and Mail's articles
on this issue don't help either.
o ?
. As of n
ow: $6
Bella Carvalho
Our somewhat flighty External person.
Centurion's on October the
6th at the Cheeze Pub.
You know I'll be there!
Anyhoo, this involves taking in
about 100 bzzr in 100 minutes.
Translation: Bella will be over at
the Cheeze, drinking her face off and
generally making passes at all the
As well, there's a blood drive
from October 3rd to October 6th.
The Red Cross really needs your
blood so go donate, even if it is
for the E's!
See what I mean. Engineering this,
engineering that... doesn't she care
about all of us here at SUS?
Oh, oh yeah! The Tanking Pond
will be out of Commission for
one more week while it's being,
uh, renovated..* so do whatever
you want to them: now... They
can't getcha!
Actually, the Pondlis functional.
Even if the'geers are putting on
padding to satisfy the draconian
demands of the adrmnstration types,
they will tank you if you ask nicely ,
enough. Besides, a lack of a tank
probably wouldn't even slow them
down. They'd just toss your ass in
the nearest water filled pothole and
call it a day.
Nothing ever happens at the
AUS, so let's move on.
Nothing ever happens at the AUS,
except for the County Fair, which I
might add, they're advertising for
already. A mere six months before...
is it overkill? Yup.
As for our AMS, there's the Great
Trek, which is going to take place
on October 13th, at Connought
Park. The Trek is being held to
make a statement, specifically
that UBC students (and especially
us Science students) want to fight
unfair, unreasonable tuition
hikes. There's also a petition for
referendum, which you should
sign if you're willing to hold a
referendum.. This doesn't mean
you need to support the ideas
behind them, only that you want
there to be a forum where all
voices can be heard.
A whole bunch of political type
stuff which only about 3% of you
will ever care about. It would be a
really neat switch if lots of people
went to the Trek, and voted, but I'm
not going to hold my breath anymore.
On to lighter stuff, SUS is hold
ing our annual Oktoberfest on
October 6th, in the SUB
Ballroom. At a buck-a-bzzr, can
you beat that?
Nope, you can't beat buck a bzzr.
It's a lot cheaper than Arts or just
about anyone else.
By the way, buck a beer means
we'll probably lose our shirts on this
event. We're trying to beat our record
loss of $3000, set at the 1994
But hey, if that's the only way
Science students can get drunk for
less than $10, so be it. That's our
Volunteers are needed for the
planning and execution of
Science Week this year. Since last
year's Science Week rocked, we
want this one to be way more
keen! Volunteers are always welcome.... see me in SUS!
Volunteers? Don't you mean suckers? Regardless, hanging out in SUS
is pretty fun.
<Italicized comment courtesy of
Blair in an attempt to fill up the rest
PS Bella will probably kill me, but
hey, I've got a deadlines PAGE TWELVE
4 OCT 1995
My first pet.
When I was a younger kid,
I read comicbooks. I
was never a complete
comic nut, but at any given time
between the ages of four and ten
years old, I had at least two or
three Batman comics lying on my
floor- Time has faded my memory
of the stories, but in an illustration of the power of advertising, I
can still remember those mail
order ads in all of their
Technicolor glory. You know the
ads I'm talking about, the ones
where kids could order various
wonderful items like x-ray glasses,
telescopes, and Bat Man™ Utility
Belts. But the best were always
the full page ads for Sea
Monkeys™. There was that picture of the king and queen sea
monkeys, surrounded by their
loyal subjects in their aquarium
kingdom. "Teach them to do
tricks!" said the ad.
At the bargain price of $14.95
plus shipping and handling, I figured I could afford them by
scrimping, saving and doing odd
jobs inside of twelve weeks. My
parents, ever the opposition to
any good idea tried to dissuade
me. "You'll just be disappointed,"
said my father. But my mind was
made up, and my heart was set.
Fourteen weeks later, I sent my
money order off to the Sea
Monkeys company, and immediately began awaiting the arrival of
my new pets.
During the 6-8 (actually it was
more like 10,) weeks it took them
to come, I had plenty of time to
inflate and'glorify them in my
mind; By the time they finally
did appear in my mailbox, I was
sure I was getting an army of pre-
trained, miniature circus seals.
The actual contents of the box I
received, however, included a
large oblong drinking glass with
magnifying glasses built into its
sides (a bad sign,) a small package
labeled "Sea Monkey™ Food," a
very small instruction book, and
another, postage stamp sized
package labeled "Sea Monkey™
Eggs" (a very bad sign.) I think I
was pouring the dust out of the
egg package when I began to realize I had been duped. I tried to
come up with a list of animals
that were born invisible and grew
up trainable. The only entry I
came up with were fleas, and
even at eight years of age, I knew
that flea circuses are frauds.
Two weeks after hatching, my
Sea Monkeys™ were visible without the aid of the magnifying
glasses, so long as one assumed
that the little particles suspended
in the water were alive, and not
dirt. Looking through the magnifying glass, it was appeared that I
was the proud owner of glorified
aquatic bugs. I recently looked up
for Sea Monkeys™ in my biology
text. They're called beauchampia
crucigera, which further research
showed to be aquatic bugs. They
belong to the lowest animal rung
on the freshwater food chain, and
have few predators because most
higher animals don't consider
them worth eating.
As for teaching them to do
tricks, well that was doomed from
the start. The instruction manual
I received with them contained
no information on training the
damn things. It wasn't until first
year biology that I learned that
even the simplest animals will
move towards or away from light,
or an electrical gradient, or whatever. It doesn't matter, such information would have been cold
comfort to a kid expecting to one
day put on shows, with Sea
Monkeys™ jumping through
miniature burning hoops.
And so, depressed and disillusioned, I gave my Sea Monkeys™
their freedom with a flush of the
toilet. Who knows, perhaps they
went on to colonize the local
lake. As for me, I must have
learned some sort of lesson from
all of this, but I think it only
went as far as "dOn't buy Sea
Monkeys™." Imagine my disappointment when I learned the x-
ray glasses I ordered the next
week didn't actually let me see
through walls.
But imagine the delight of all the
young women in the neighbourhood.
$1 a bzzr
$1.50 a psider
Music by CITR 101.9
g'ttb(i)jt October 6
8:00 -12:00 pm
Cfeiofc erf e§i


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