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The 432 Jan 20, 2004

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20 January 2004
Obscene Scandal Rocks!!!
(Vancouver, AP)
Parents of UBC science students flooded the Dean's
phone lines over the weekend to complain about a
number of new courses offered for the 2004 term.
"My daughter Melissa used to be such an angel," said
father Don Lundi. "But the other night at dinner, she delivered a mini-lecture on achieving multiple orgasms!" Lundi
blames the change in his daughter on a new course in
which she is enrolled: Applied Human Biology 102.
According to its outline, the brand-new course encourages students to "become intimately acquainted with the
reproductive biology of their own bodies, in addition to
... UBC Science Faculty
that of their classmates." For the first six weeks of term,
students will work in opposite-sex pairs, designing and
conducting rigorous experiments to determine the optimal
integration of male and female reproductive organs. A
sub-assignment is to stress-test various commercial
brands of prophylactics.
The second half of the course involves students forming
same-sex pairs and repeating the experiments performed
in the first half of the course, in order to experience firsthand what sorts of modifications are necessary to facilitate
a successful, mutually pleasurable biological union. As in
the first half of the course, there is a strong emphasis on
oral proficiency and less traditional techniques.
Lab materials involve lubricant, rubber tubing, latex
gloves, petri dishes, and large harnesses suspended from
the supporting beams of the classroom.
Applied Human Biology 102 is not the only new course to
have provoked outrage from parents. Complaints have
also been filed concerning Dr. Glotz's Biology 310 (Hydroponics) and Dr. Brunstein's Advanced Ethanol Appreciation 432. Dean Hepburn, however, is resolved to keep the
new curriculum, stating: "There is huge student demand
for these innovative, challenging new courses. You should
see the waiting lists!"
Search Ended for Lost
UBC Students
Survival prospects bleak
(Vancouver, Rueters)
After an extensive search of the pedestrian crossing areas near Hebb theater,
rescuer volunteers have decided to
call off the rescue and recovery effort for three
students missing in the area since December
From the official timeline reconstruction, rescuers presume the students were heading
down East Mall towards the bus loop at
around 1:30 pm on Tuesday December 6, but
never reached their destination. Before arriving at a clear path, the group decided to take
an unfortunate detour down the infamous
'crossing to nowhere' east of Hebb theatre.
Aerial footage and frantic phone recordings
suggest the students, having found the apparently reliable zebra crossing abruptly terminating at a traffic island, attempted to double
back. Unfortunately, they were suddenly
overcome by a massive avalanche of Plant
Ops vehicles. Following several failed
attempts to scale the sheer cliffs of Plant Ops
vans toward another crossing, the stranded
students, one male and two females all in
their early 20s, decided to call for help using
their cell phones.
Rescuers were dispatched within a matter of
weeks, along with a large number food crates
and survival equipment airlifted via crane. ,
By that time, however, the students had long
since lost contact with their rescuers. They are
presumed to have succumbed to the poor
planning soon after being buried under a
mountain of bureaucracy.
"None of us want to call this rescue off, but
honestly, we're all aware of their chances."
said Joe Shlauger, a rescue volunteer and fellow student, adding, "Only a miracle can save
them now."
Official UBC spokesman Scott Macrae spoke
to reassure the public. "It's not as if this happens every day, at least not to our knowledge", he began uncertainly, glancing over
his shoulder and twitching. "Tragic Plant Ops
mishaps are unavoidable, it's one of the risks
everyone takes when they come to UBC. Of
course we do our best to try and minimize the
danger, but tragedies like this are bound to
happen from time to time. Our condolences
go out to the family. Please don't sue us."
Macrae also defended the university's position for refusing to release the names of the
missing, stating that "We can't possibly
[release the names] until our own staff find
out who they are."
7S£5£   > Page Two
20 lanuarv 2004
Volume Seventeen
Issue Six
20 January 2004
Editrix Smurf
Lana Rupp
Papa Smurf
Dan Anderson
President Smurf
Dan Yokom
(the leafs still suck)
Jo Krack
Minor Smurf-like beings
Jo Krack
Jon Lam
Frank Yang
Stephen Notley
Andy Martin
Howard Choy
Dan Yokom
Patricia Lau
Kristin Lyons
Gina Eom
Anna-Marie Bueno
Lana Rupp
Mariko Welch
Serena Siow
Chris Zappavigna
Alan Warkentin
Printed by
Horizon Publications, Vancouver
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by a small
team of poorly educated and heavily biased ex-Ubyssey writers in the
new All views expressed in this
issue are strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not
the responsibility of the 432, The
Science Undergraduate Society, or
the Faculty of Science. Writers and
cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
at least thrice, and contain the
author's name and contact information.
Send flowers, candy and other
more exotic offerings to the Interfaculty Publishing Office, SUB Rm
94. Your praise is welcomed at:
Seemed Like a Good Idea
at the Time
Jo Krack
No Children for YOU!
Recently, our favourite Britney Spears got married and then
divorced in a space of 55 hours. Her mother blames alcohol;
I blame impatience, impulsivity, and possibly silicone poisoning. On the other hand, it may have been a cleverly plotted
move to get Britney back into the spotlight. After all, any publicity is good publicity. But the whole thing got me thinking: what if
other major milestones could be reduced to, say, 48 hours? First of
all, dating: boy meets girl, boy marries girl the next day. Simple.
Or, for those who never intend dating to lead to marriage: boy
meets girl, boy bones girl the next day. Hey, sounds like Pit night!
OK, so perhaps 48-hour "courtships" are already far too common. What about compressing other events? Say, earning a university degree? I picture it kind of like a drive-thru: you pull up to
the menu, select your degree (with the option to super-size it into
a Master's for only 49 cents more!), and then deposit tens of thousands of dollars (if you really want to stick it to the Man, pay in
coins - but the people behind you in line might riot). Next, drive
around to the window and receive a beating severe enough to
reproduce four or five years' worth of hangovers, all-nighters,
partying, malnutrition, and cumulated stress. You may also
receive a few STDs. After the beating, you be awarded your
degree and informed that there are no jobs available in your area.
Then you will be asked to repay your student loan, in blood if
need be. I recommend burning rubber at this point. And for god's
sake, if it burns when you pee, go to a clinic!
Drive-thru degrees don't sound all that appealing after all, do
they? Who wants all that pain without all the good memories
responsible for aforementioned pain? Maybe we should just concentrate on streamlining certain aspects of human biology. For
example, pregnancy. How fair is it to women that they have to
spend nine months vomiting and lugging around all that extra
weight just to produce one measly human being? How time- and
cost-effective is that? Besides, considering how stupid the majority of people turn out, you'd think they were put together by barely-sentient Neanderthals in a third-rate factory that relies heavily
on banned toxic chemicals. How about this: woman gets pregnant,
delivers full-term baby the next day. The only downside I can see
would be that shotgun weddings would have to be performed
within a day of conception, and Catholics would have about 15
children per month.
If pregnancy and birth were compressed into a 2-day event, people would perhaps become a little pickier about their children:
"Damn honey, this one's butt-ugly! Let's try again." This could
result in a surplus of babies, and since babies are incredibly stupid
and shamefully dependent on adults for their survival, the
demand for baby-raisers would sky-rocket. However, given that
the earth can support only a fixed number of people and social
resources would be severely over-stressed if babies outnumbered
adults seven to one, I recommend leaving the extra babies to be
raised (or eaten) by wolves. Either that, or babies will need to be
trained for the work force starting from birth, so that they can
become productive citizens instead of a massive drain on
resources. Perhaps we could harness the unique diaper-soiling
power of babies to fertilize the deserts of the world and establish
more farms, thus ending world hunger (and even if the farms didn't produce enough to feed everyone, there would always be a
steady supply of juicy young babies... mmm, babies...).
I can hear the damn anti-cannibalism activists making placards
already, so perhaps the ramifications of this whole 48-hour baby-
making thing should be investigated a little further before we start
experimenting. But in the meantime, how about 2-day puberty?
Now that could be beautiful! One day, youid be a blissfully happy
little twelve-year-old; the next day youid wake up with greasy
hair, every square inch of your face covered in pimples, and a
strong urge to pierce or tattoo yourself. You'd stomp around all
day, seriously pissed off about the stupidity of your parents and
the unfairness of life. If someone of the opposite sex looked at you,
you'd either burst into tears (girls) or experience an embarrassing
"physical indication of your sexual readiness" in public (boys).
The next day, you'd be feeling a little less psychotic, and your acne
would be clearing. You'd still be grumpy and seek refuge in sleep
and angsty, whiny music, but by evening, life wouldn' t
seem so bad. By the time you woke up in the morning, you'd be
taller, smarter, more attractive, confident, and, er, "developed."
An added bonus of an accelerated adolescence would be that the
high school experience could be eliminated completely, thus saving everyone from the emotional scarring that takes decades to
So how about it? If Britney can experience being a wife and then
a divorcee within two days, why can't the rest of us speed up certain life experiences too? Future scientists out there, I'm speaking
to you: forget about creating hermaphroditic sheep for the Scots
and start working on a viable way to induce 48-hour puberty! And
if anyone has suggestions for other events that should be compressed into 2 days or less, let me know at gimmekrack@hot-
SUB Ballroom Jan 28, 2004,
*#— •   .. i\fi VNoon - 1:00pm
Come and watch elected student leaders from all across
campus battle it out in 600 L of Science BLUE JELL-0!
Prizes and give-a-ways for audience members!
Check out the the SUS Booth in the SUB Concourse on
Jan 26, 2004 for your chance to Jell-o Wrestle this year! 20 January 2004
Page Three
Andy Martin
If the shoe fits
I bought condoms for the first time today.
No, I mean I REALLY bought condoms
for the first time today.
Sure, I thought I had bought them before.
That awkward event in the local drugstore,
my pimply-faced self nervously perusing
every other product in the establishment,
trying not to call attention to myself while
trying to muster the courage to just walk
over there and grab a box while looking
over my shoulder expecting to see an
enraged Mom, Dad or Pastor Brown while
trying to decide which brand was right for
me. Somehow Betty-Sue had been
assigned to be my project partner, and I,
living in the after-school special world,
knew what that would lead to. Oh baby,
did I ever! And if I didn't have condoms,
she would get pregnant and I would get
fatal marijuana poisoning. I can still see
myself, and I laugh at me, as I was obviously such a loser because I had never
bought condoms before, and was probably
still a virgin.
And then, buying one from the vending
machines in the bar. The girl had asked me
for a cigarette, so, of course I dropped a
buck into the machine, because of course
she'd be back, and of course we'd leave
together. And God knows I didn't need a
baby or a venereal disease giving her an
excuse to call me back. Nothing like trusting your future to a vending machine, the
same damn things that think that I paid
$1.10 so I could get a better look at a bag of
chips by bringing it closer and putting it at
a more horizontal angle as it leaned over
the gap. And I could get a thrill almost
thinking it would fall into the cavernous
gap, and celebrate it's miraculous avoidance of the fall.
And the orientation, club week, and ACF
handout condoms. But of course, they
were immediately filled with rubber
cement and thrown off the Chem building
roof at passers-by.
But all that pales in comparison to today.
Today was truly a colossal day for the purchasing of prophylactics. The scale and
cockiness of the event is unparalleled and
unrivaled in most lifetimes.
No, I truly bought condoms today,
because I bought them in bulk, with my
name on them. That's right, 500 official
'Pale Horse' (my band) condoms are being
produced by a Condom Making Machine
as I speak, type, whatever.
This decision involved as much forethought as the first purchase, but it was
high time to invest in some merchandising.
Many bands seem to prefer to invest in
butt-ugly shirts, stickers to be used to 'tag'
every bathroom in the free world, or music
videos shot with a camcorder in prestigious Grandma's Basement Studios ("film
the solo in front of the aluminum siding of
the shed outside, that'll make us look
urban and edgy. Muchmusic's gonna eat
this up!").
Not me. I know what people really like:
sex - and I'd like to exploit that with a campaign of association. With this promotion,
when people think about sex, they'll think
of Pale Horse, and that's good. People tend
to be grateful when you help them get laid.
And we want that, for us and for you. We
want our fans to have more sex than any
other band's fans.
Anyways, in the state of post-coitous,
there's nothing to do, which is why,
instead of just falling asleep, you might as
well just read the condom wrapper, which
is what people would do if it had anything
interesting to say. And now it does. You
read the wrapper, associate the name with
sex, and it has the website right there. You
go to the website, hear some rockin' Mp3s,
put your name on the mailing list, and
voila! Another fan.
Rock 'n roll is in a sorry state on the 'popular' stage. The mass-produced rock for
the masses has lost its raunchy edge. In its
heyday, it was about sex, drugs, and rock
'n roll. Now, it's about psychotically meaningful relationships, aspirin addiction and
being a doofusy fuck.
"What's the matter baby? / Don't you
wanna play? / Come on over later, bring
your sister /1 swear to you she won't get in
the way" has been replaced with "And it's
been awhile / since I could stand on my
own two feet again / And its been awhile
since I could see you smile again" How
many so-called 'hard rock fans' know that
Marty Friedman just came out with a new
album? More of these 'hard rock fans' can
probably recite the entire discography of
Britany Spears than can even tell me who
Marty Friedman is.
That's what popular media does to you. It
force feeds you bullshit until you acquire a
taste for it.
So, we used that argument as a moral
standpoint to use as a clarion call to say
that we didn't just choose condoms, we
NEEDED them. Our merchandise needed
to be sleazy at heart, something truly rock
'n roll, and this fit the bill (and would
probably fit on Bill too, haw haw!). There
were other options, but none of them
panned out: thong underwear would be a
little more pricey (buy it to throw at us
onstage!), cheerleader outfits were on back
order, and for some reason everyplace I
called hung up on me when I asked for a
price quote on 'Pale Horse' custom training bras.
And most bands don't look to exploit the
lucrative domain of ob-gyn endorsement.
The company told me that delivery and
billing would be discreet, the purchase will
appear on my credit card bill as some plastics company, and the shipment itself will
arrive in an unmarked cardboard box.
Good thing, because I live at work, literally. I live at the field station of the very
catholic university where I am 'continuing'
my education. And nothing would cheese
the dean of a very catholic university faster
than leading a tour of very catholic parents
through the station's front office and having UPS deliver a big box with 'CONDOMS' printed in big, bold letters on each
There is something macho by knowing
there is a box of 500 condoms in my closet,
each of them with my name on their wrapper. "What? You want to come back to my
room? No it's all good, live got hundreds
of them."
I think: I have writers block.
were hanging off of my ankles like awkward little boats and I did not know what
to do with them. I lay on my back and
waved them in the air but they did not
seem to transform into dinosaurs like I
initially thought. They did not taste especially pleasant and they did not reach my
ears. I thought to myself, "These odd little spatulas hanging from my wrists are
way better. Maybe those are the replacements when I lose these." From that
moment on, until the day I learned how
to walk, I was very careful with my
hands for I feared losing them. Page Four
20 January 2004
Hey Everybody: It's Science Week!
For more information about Science Week check out www.sus.ubc.ca!
Science week is January 26th-30th, 2004.
The following is a detailed account of everything you could dream of knowing about Science Week.
Read on for events, our charity, how you can get involved and where the action is all week long!
We want YOU
to volunteer during
Science Week 2004!
Volunteers are an important part of Science Week!
Help us out!
Are you interested in helping make 600 L of BLUE JELLO?
Are you interested in carrying around a bullhorn and telling
everyone about Science Week? Are you interested in helping
sell Cold Fusion tickets, Science T-shirts and merchandise?
Are you interested in volunteering during the Professor Talent
Show, Science Olympics or any of the other great events
happening during Science Week?
If the answer is yes to any of these questions or if you would like
to volunteer
in any capacity during the week of Jan 26-30, 2004
contact Patricia Lau at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
Remember, volunteers often get free food!
'wink, wink*
This year SUS proudly presents Science World's Super Science Club as the official Science
Week charity. The Super Science Club is Science World's new and innovative after-school program providing inner-city elementary school children with weekly science and technology
activities, demonstrations and take-home projects. The goal of this club is to inspire at-risk
children to be inquisitive about the world around them, and to develop a long-term interest in
science and technology. Check out www.scienceworld.bc.ca for more information. Throughout
the week donations will be collected prior to Science Week events and in drop boxes at the SUS
booth in the SUB. As well, proceeds from our raffle draws go directly to the Super Science Club
so please support this very worthy charity.
Smurfing Stations:
All week long Science Week volunteers will be roaming the campus grounds promoting Science Week and looking for people who want to share their Science Spirit! Get your face painted in Science Blue and receive a free pop.
Come by the SUB during Science Week to see the concourse filled with SUS Clubs! This is a
great chance to learn more about the clubs as well as to get a great look at the fantastic displays
and demonstrations. Hey, sometimes they even hand out free food! During the Week SUS will
have a booth set up in the SUB main concourse all day long to promote our events and to sell
awesome Science stuff. Come and buy Cold Fusion tickets, official Science Week t-shirts or
other SUS merchandise. Additionally, enter the Science Week Charity Draw to win one of two
grand prizes - a Princeton Review MCAT Hyperlearning Course or any available Kaplan
course including MCAT, GRE, DAT, LSAT, and more. Additionally, on Monday, January 26
only, you will have the opportunity to enter a Jello Wrestling charity draw to have a chance at
Jello wrestling on January 28 in this ever-famous event. Drop by the SUS booth for more information about anything regarding the week.
Volunteers are an integral part of Science Week and there is a huge variety of events that
need help so you can pick and choose what you would like to do. Please contact Patricia Lau
at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca as soon as possible.
Professor Talent Show
Norm Theatre, 12-2pm with a 10 min intermission
Prepare to be enthralled at the non-academic side you never even knew your professors
had! Come watch your favourite profs show off their amazing talents in this entertaining
event. Great prizes are available for audience members so don't miss out!
BPP Professor Research Night
WOOD 4, 5:30-10pm
This event is NOT the same one as the Chemistry Prof. Research Night. The speakers
attending this event include 4 biochemistry profs, 1 pharmacology prof, and 1 physiology
prof. There will be reception where refreshment is served. Come out and listen to cutting
edge research happening right here at UBC!
UCS Chem Magic Show
CHEM B150, l-2pm
UCS's annual magic show is sure to provide an hour long of entertainment. Watch fellow
students demonstrate eye catching feats of the chemistry world.
ISSA/SOS Silly Putty
Main Mall across from Chem (in case of inclement weather go to SUB 214/216),
Drop by and make your own silly putty free of charge!
Beyond First Year
SUB Ballroom, 12-1:30pm
Hosted by the Faculty of Science, this event is geared towards first year students
and informs them of programs and departments available to pursue.
Cheesemaking with Dr. Smit
Location TBA, 3-6pm
Join MISA for an afternoon of cheesemaking with Dr. Smit! Watch the fascinating,
scientific and delicious process of turning milk into cheese with help from our
bacterial friends! You will also be given the opportunity to taste these
homemade creations while learning about microbiology and food.
The UBC Undergraduate Chemistry Society
Presents +<>• +  •
Tuesday January 27
Thursday January 29
1-2pm Chemistry Room B150
Don't miss the excitement!
.     o +      .      o
+ • +
Proudly Si4>ported by the UBC Chemistry Department
Bio 2000, 5-6pm
Brand new for Science Week this year, SUS and the UBC Debating Society have teamed
up for this war of Science wit. Watch seasoned and novice debaters battle through
arguments and rebuttals over the use of embryos for stem cell research. If you would
like to participate in this event as a debater, contact Patricia Lau at pwlau@inter-
change.ubc.ca as soon as possible.
Storm Movie Night: Panic in the Skies
EOSC 121, 5-7pm 20 January 2004
Page Five
UBC Debate Society
the Science Undergraduate Society
Topic: The use of embryos in stem cell research
Watch seasoned and novice debaters participate in this
"show debate" which includes speeches from the floor.
With such a current and controversial topic this event is
bound to be unique and extremely interesting.
t t
Tuesday, January 27, 2004 ^v^
BioSciences 2000, 5:00pm - 6:00pm
Prizes for audience members!
If you would like to take part in this event
as a debater, please contact Patricia Lau
at pwlaiifffmtcrcliantjc.ubc.ca ASAP!
Jello Wrestling
SUB Ballroom, 12-lpm
Cheer on your student leaders from all across campus as they battle it out in 600L of
Jello in hopes to be crowned winner of SUS's third annual Jello Wrestling Competition!
New this year, there is a 'wildcard' random participant who will be eligible to participate. To win this spot, enter the Jello Wrestling Draw (at LSK 202) and one lucky winner will be chosen.
The first 100 people to arrive at the event will receive vouchers for a canvas book bag
courtesy of The Outpost Student Store. Be sure to come early!
Dr. Brett Finlay: from molecules to vaccine
WOOD 4, 5pm
We have the great honour of having UBC's own Dr. Brett Finlay present the Science
Week keynote lecture this year. Dr. Finlay's accomplishments and titles are outstanding, including Fellow of the Royal Society of Canada and a Peter Wall Distinguished
Professor at UBC. Seating is limited for this highly anticipated event.
Dr. Finlay's lecture is entitled "Pathogenic E. coli: from molecules to vaccine." He will
discuss E. coli 0157, which caused the Walkerton outbreak, and will discuss disease
and our quest to develop a vaccine. This is a great example of how basic science can
provide the basis of biotechnology products that benefit society.
Undergraduate Research Showcase
WOOD Concourse, 6pm
After the lecture, a reception will follow with the Undergraduate Research Showcase,
where students of all scientific disciplines will present their accomplishments from
research laboratories. There will be plenty of time to ask questions and to network. If
you have ever wanted to find a placement in a research lab this is a great time to ask
your peers how they did it! Additionally if you are interested in participating in this
event, please contact susshowcase@hotmail.com as soon as possible.
Pre-Med Movie and Discussion Night
Norm Theatre, 7-9pm
A fun filled night that includes discussion after the movie. The movie is TBA, admission is $2 for members of either Pre-Med/FilmSoc/HSSA and $3 for everyone else.
Blood Drive
Bus leaving from the Bookstore, 2pm
Biosoc will be hosting a blood drive with Canadian Blood Services. Please email
biosoc_news@hotmail.com   or Lisa at aziccardo@shaw.ca to pre-register.
Math Club Movie Night: The Matrix: Reloaded
Math Annex 1100, 5pm
There will be popcorn and drinks for all.
UCS Chem Magic Show
CHEM B150, l-2pm
Quiz Show
Norm Theatre, 12:30-l:30pm
Support your friends and science clubs as they compete in this Jeopardy-styled event
with a Scientific Twist. There will be lots of questions from a variety of disciplines so
come one come all!
To participate, teams must be composed of six people with one alternate. Please pick up
application forms in LSK 202 or just check out page 9, that'll be way easier. Completed
applications are due on January 23, 2004 at 4:32pm in Patricia Lau's mailbox in LSK 202.
Pre-Med UBC Medical School Admissions Lecture
FNSC 60,12:30- 1:30pm
Dr. Frinton, Dean of Admissions at UBC Medical School will be presenting at this very
informative lecture. She will be talking about the admissions process, any upcoming
changes to the application or the school, and will also be answering questions.
Astronomy Club Observing & Movie Night
Astronomy Club Dome (top of Geophysics and Astronomy Building), 5:30pm
2001: A Space Odyssey
LSK 202, 7pm
and more observing afterwards. www.astro.ubc.ca/AstroClub/
Science Olympics
SUB South Plaza, 12-lpm
This annual, legendary, fun filled event
features the balloon stomp, the giant ski
race and a special science themed obstacle course. Science Olympics is open to
teams from all faculties and departments and we strongly encourage TAs
and Professors to also participate, so
seek them out! This event is free of
charge and great prizes will be given
Teams are composed of 6-8 people and
must register in advance. Please pick up
application forms from LSK 202 or
check out page 9. Completed applications are due on January 28, 2004 in
Kristin Lyon's mailbox in LSK 202.
FYC Barbeque
SUB South Plaza, llam-l:30pm
Hosted by SUS's First Year Committee.
Come out to grab a bite and watch the
Science Olympics while you're at it! $1
of each sale will go towards the official
Science Week charity.
Cold Fusion
SUB Ballroom, 6:30pm
Wrap up your awesome week of Science fun at the annual concert/beer garden, Cold
Fusion, featuring Crowned King with guest Dakona. How can you refuse? 500 of your
UBC friends, lives bands, and drinks!! Get your tickets for only $7 at the Science Week
Sales Booth in the SUB.
Pathogenic E. coli:
from molecules to vaccine
E. coli 0157
How it causes disease i.e. Walkerton
Our quest to develop a vaccine
How basic science can provide the basis
of biotechnology products that benefit
scicntv wcvk keynote hv Dll BRETT
UBC Professor
Fellow of the Royal
Order of Canada
Peter Wall Distinguished
Wednesday Jan. 28 2004  5pm   WOOD 4
Friday, January 30
12-lpm      SUB South Plaza
Registration FREE
Teams of 6-8
All faculties and departments arc
aio'LiKiL'ttl tu get their asses
^hupped by superm science teams
Events include:
The Balloon Stomp...of Drxim
The Giant Ski Race (Size matters)
'Froshkiller' Obstacle course
Registrations must be received on or before Wednesday, January 28th!
Fill out a form (in SUS office) Major Sponsors of Science Week 2004:
SUS Open House
LSK 202,9:30am - 12:30pm
Norm Theatre, 12:00pm -2:00pm
Contact pre-dent at ubcpredent@canada.com for details
Chem B150, 1:00-2:00pm
Main Mall across from Chem or SUB 214/216 in
case of inclement weather, 11:30am - 2:30pm
Drop by and make your own silly putty free of
SUB Ballroom, 12:00pm - 1:30pm
Hosted by the Faculty of Science, this event is
geared towards first year students and informs them
of programs and departments available to pursue.
with MISA
Bio 2000, 5:00-6:00pm in
Brand new for science week this year, SUS and the
UBC Debating Society have teamed up for this war
of science wit.
Storm Movie Night
EOSC 121, 5:00pm - 7:00pm
"Panic in the Skies"
Admission by donation to the Science Week
Charity: Science World, Super Science Club! Jcience  Week   2004   Sponsors:
'Major Sponsors: Celator, The Princeton Review, Kaplan
'Gold Sponsor: Coke
Silver Sponsors: Aventis Pasteur, Office of the VP Students of UBC
'Copper Level: Atlantis, VanCity
'Zinc Level: Science World, Vancouver Art Gallery, BC Lions, Roger's Vid-
AMS Food & Beverage, Purdy's Chocolates, Banyen Books & So
Blockbusters, Safeway, Museum of Anthropology, Red Rol
SUB Ballroom, 12:00pm - 1:00pm
Keynote Speaker:
Dr. Brett Finlay
"From Molecules to Vaccine"
Woodward 4, 5:00pm
Pre-Med Movie and Discussion Night
Norm Theatre, 7:00pm - 9:00pm
Admission is $2 for members of Pre-Med, FilmSoc or
HSSA and $3 for everyone else.
Undergraduate Research Showcase
Woodward IRC concourse, 6:00pm
Undergraduates display and discuss their research. A
great networking event!
Pre-Med UBC Medical School Admissions Lecture
FNSC 60, 12:30pm-1:30 pm
Quiz Show
Norm Theatre, 12:30pm -1:30pm
Chem B150, 1:00-2:00pm
pioqp mm
hosted by BioSoc
Bus leaves at 2:00pm from in front of the bookstore
Please email biosoc_news@hotmail.com to pre-register!
A great way to give!
The Matrix: Reloaded
hosted by the Math Club
Math Annex Rm. 1100, 5:00pm
Popcorn and drinks for all.
Astronomy Club Dbseruing & FTlouie night
Top of Geophys and Astro Building, 5:30 pm
SUS Lounge at 7pm: 2001 :A Space Odyssey
More observing afterwards.
SUB south Plaza. 12pm-1pm
SUB South Plaza, 11:00am - 1:30pm
Wrap up your awesome week of Science fun at the annual concert/beer garden, COLD FUSION, featuring Crowned King with
guest Dakona. How can you refuse? 500 of your UBC friends,
lives bands, and drinks!! Get your tickets for only $7 at the
Science Week Sales Booth in the SUB.
Cr©i/rtcd ICirt
vrith Ba\©ri:a
Tickets only $7
No Minors Page Eight
20 January 2004
nn mp© sn
A poem by Jonathan Lam
Dedicated to:
Dr. E. 'E as in Edward' Piers
In organic chem,
there is this stuff,
Of which 1 cannot get enough.
It is a pretty crystat sotid
y-tosyiate is what we caff ft!
'fhough yara-totuenesutfonyt chforide
is what you'd see inside the Chem guide.
It brings me such great satisfaction
In an S'hfi reactionl
y-tosyf chCoridel
It is aff
You need to turn an aCcohof
Into an awesome feaving group
So you can Sump it with a l4uc(-).
T'he carbon ffiysl VoiCa, success1.
What was an (ft) is now an (S)l
Tfo more fears and trepidation
Of inadvertent oxidation.
_So worries your reaction drew
lAay undergo, instead, T.2.
y-tosyfatel You are the onel
You make S'hfi so muchfunl
Without you, I'd fad, no doubt.
You're what chem is aff aboutl
y-tosyiate, 1 stiff remember...
It was earfy in Tfovemeber
'Doctor Tiers, -G]od bfess his heart -
Your ring-fike structure did impart.
1 wrote you down and there you fay,
Waiting for another day.
1 tucked you far into my brain
'And did not hear from you again
IXntif the midterm foomed auite near
Tiffing me with anxious fear.
1 took out my chem yromem set
Which made me shake and made me fret.
1 did not know how to engage
T'he syntheses down on they age.
1 wracked my brain.
1 tried. 1 cried.
T'hen 1 remembered y-tos-chforidel
It can do the yreparation!
It retains configuration
Of the chiraf carbon.
(ft) stays (ft) and (S) stays (S)
y-tosyfate we were unitedl
1 was very much excited.
You gave me hope that 1 coufdwork
Questions that 1 was supposed to.
You were my hero on that day
And 1 can very safety say,
yara-tofuenesuifonyl chtoride
1Ay tove for you witt not subside.
Our strong bond is not disyersibfe.
T'hat reaction's simyty irreversibte.
Monday, January 26,2004
5:30pm to 7:30pm in Woodward IRC 4    Food and Refreshments Following
George Mackie
Departmant of Biochemistry
Research" RNAproleio infractions in RNA processing, gene expression, and vws\ replication
Leanne Howe
Department of Biochemistry
Research  Chrnmaiin Structure and Funclion
Ross MacGillivray
Department el BJordmstry & JBC Centra for Blind Research
Research: Structure, organization, and expression of genes coding lor the dotting factors and
metrdoproians Proteinprniein recognition and■ueradKin.
Timothy Kieffer
Depart mem »i PtiyswBBY
Research  Development ol gene therapy and cell transplant metiiods to treat diabetes meftus.
using molecular techniujues combined with physiological approaches to assess models ol debates.
Lawrence Mcintosh
Department of Biochemistry, □apartment of Qitmtetfy $ UBC BiDtechnoiogry Laboratory
Research: MacrornrJecular structure and dynamics. NMR ol biological systems. Ei*aryotic gene
regulation end signal transduction PolysacfJiaridases, Carbohydrate binrJnrj proteins
Hosted by the Biochemistry Physiology Pharmacology Club
^^rjgM^^&g^^^^) 20 January 2004
Page Nine
The Page '0' Science Week Forms
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/. Page Ten
20 January 2004
C$rt&zqd' mgCmc&rg /ram Sikr&m Yogft £&&&$$
Monday t?" T&arsiffty-y S-&pm, J&xfj$xx* St73
1/2 off far ffsftrt £i&& mqm&srs *md dfecozmtqci
pi*?c$$ /bf Hit' $C&cfefrt£>
Tuesday January 27th, 2004
ll;00am until 2;30pm
Come Join SOS and ISSA during
our SCIENCE WEEK event!
We are making ...SILLY PUTTY!
Main Mall BQtwQQn HQnrv Angus and ChQmistry
(in case of inclement weatherthis event will be held in SUE' 214/216).
Get Involved
with the
Available Positions:
Student Rep
Science Faculty Curriculum Committee
to be appointed 5 February 2004
SUS Volunteers Committee
to be appointed 5 February 2004
SUS Improvements Committee
to be appointed 5 February 2004
For more information please email:
sus@interchange. ubc.ca
"Galene Sltotf*
"Steve Irwin
(no real fatbits were, hurt
in the making of this
January 26,
Norm Theatre
in the SUB
Prizes for
Entries/Nominations to:
susprofshow@hotmail.com 20 January 2004
Page Eleven
The Science Filled Drawers of SUS
Dan Yokom
ey Everyone, I have nothing pressing to report this week, I'll save
your  time  so  you  can  read  all
about our fantabulous Science Week
events! I'm especially looking forward to
be in the Jello Wrestle ring on the 29th so
come out and support me. Lana, you're
going down. And oh, Cold Fusion too.. I
haven't seen Crowned King yet so I'm
super stoked.
Patricia Lau
VP External
I've been a very busy girl with Science
Week (January 26-30, 2004) and all so be
sure to check out as many events as you
can! All the events will be a fun and interesting time and don't forget, we have some
GREAT door prizes for every SUS event so
you could leave with some fantastic, useful
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank
all my committee members for ALL their
hard work. Everyone has been putting in a
lot of effort and as Science Week draws
ever closer we are all working overtime. So
if you see anyone who was involved with
Science Week, give them a pat on the back,
they'll appreciate it.
If you want to get involved with Science
Week as a volunteer contact me at
I hope to see you all out during the week
as participants, audience members or volunteers. On that note I will bid you all
adieu with one last thing to say - "YAY
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Co-ordinator
What more can I say? The biggest Science
event of the year is just around the corner.
Cold Fusion is our annual concert/beer
garden which will feature CROWNED
KING and DAKONA!!! What better way to
cap off Science Week? Cold Fusion will
Gina Eom
VP Internal
take place on January 30, 2004 in the SUB
Ballroom with doors opening at 6:30 pm.
Tickets will be on sale for $7 at the Science
Week sales booth in the south side of the
SUB concourse, just at the entrance. Don't
miss these awesome bands. BE THERE!
On another note, I want to thank all those
that came out for the SUS outing. Clearly
I'm the best glow-in-the-dark-five-pin
bowler ever! (Okay, so I lie.) Also thanks to
those Science students who participated in
the Amazing Maze last week, particularly
those 'Farm Ecologists', the best Amazing
Maze team ever - Not 4th!
On yet another note, life's great! Have a
nice day!
Alan Warkentin
D. of Finance
Hey guys! Now that you have all (hopefully) figured out your schedule,
seen last terms marks (and cried), and got your student loan (for
the lucky ones), its time to get settled in and brace yourself for
another exciting Science Week!    To top off science week we have
Cold Fusion, our biggest event of the year and always an awesome
time.   Make sure you check out what we are using your student
fees for, and take advantage of all the different events happening.       On the money side of things, all is good, we are
ahead of our expected budget and everything is looking
good.    Keep watch in the future for details on the
term 2 budget meeting for the clubs.   Have a great
Serena Siow
I can feel it in the air...YAY SCI
ENCE WEEK!! Just as you thought the
hustle & bustle of back to school rush
would settle down, a curved ball is thrown
your way. Be prepared for possibly the most
exciting week of the entire academic year! From the
multitude of games, activities, lectures, program planning sessions, there is bound to be something for every
one (as well as non-cheap actually-quite-worthwhile prizes
to be won). And let's not forget our annual end-of-science
week-bash COLD FUSION. It'll be a great time, I guarantee it. If
you're my friend, you have got to be there. And if you're not my
friend, you really should not miss out anyway.
Other than that, the SUS Code & Policies committee is meeting for the first
time in 2004 on Thursday January 22 at 2pm. Though the meetings are not to
be weekly, feel free to contact me at shsiow@interchange.ubc.ca to confirm if
there will be a meeting that week. Everybody is invited to attend and contribute
The more ideas we receive from Science students, the more effective the soceity shall
be. So come out eh? YAY SCIENCE WEEK!
US Award applications are still up for grabs. The deadline is the second week of
February, so get one quickly! Find them online at www.sus.ubc.ca or pick one up at
LSK 202.
SUS Teaching Excellence Awards applications are also still available. Nominate your
favourite prof now!
Progress has been made on the senate level, as May Tee, senator, has made a presentation to the Academic Policy. Currently a subcommittee is researching the
logistics and statistics behind the possible options presented to remove
exam clustering.
On to Science week: Yay Science Week! Patricia is amazing. From a
research showcase, to a world famous guest speaker, to excellent
sponsors (ehem ehem, recruited by yours truly), she has managed to do it all. Next time you see her, pat her on the back.
Pat. No pun intended.
There is a barbeque which the First Year Committee is
organising, on the 30th (Friday). Also, if you are a
first year  student you  should  come  out  to
Beyond First Year, held on Tuesday, the 27th.
Mariko Welch
Public Relations
othing   to   report   this   week
except:Yay     Science     Week!!
Aaah, it is time once again for
all of us to cheer on our fellow science buds in
Quiz bowl, applaud our profs in the Prof Talent
Show (rumour has it that the Chem. Dept is putting on
a group act? Come to the Norm next Thursday for cheap
(free!) standup comedy, if you ask me!), and gawk in disgusted pleasure at the sight of our friends and student government executives wrestling in blue jello. WOW. All this to be
topped off with a fabulous concert and plenty of booze at the legendary Science Week.
Hehehe. Don't I sound like cheesy commercial?? And yet it's true; next
week is UBC Science students' time to shine, and SUS would like to encourage you to come out to the events that all of our hard working councillors, clubs,
and exec have put in countless hours to organize!  What else can I say? I hope to
see you guys all there and sweaty from Science Olympics, stained blue from splattered jello, or looking casual cool in your 'Friday nite duds' at Cold Fusion!
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hi All! I hope that you've all gotten
in your teams for term two
leagues, and now it's time to organize teams for those upcoming events.
These include: The Outdoor Adventure
Challenge, The Raindrop Adventure Run,
Rainfest and the UBC Triathlon/Duathlon!
See the SRC or the SUS Sports Board for
more info!! Also, don't forget Science
Olympics. It's taking place on Friday, January 30 from 12-lpm at the SUB South
Plaza! Teams consist of 6-8 players and
registration forms are available in SUS!
Completed forms can be handed in into
my box in the Science Undergraduate Society Office. Even if you don't participate,
come out and watch this fun filled event
that includes a balloon stomp, a giant ski
race and an obstacle course!
Lana Rupp
Director of Publications
Science Week, Science Week, Science
Week., that's all I hear about these
days. I'd care more but, rumor has it
I've been left out of Jello Wrestling this
year and that is the essense of my existence
so I'm but a shell of my former being. Woe
is me.
In publications news: This is the Science
Week issue. Treasure it. Thanks to all those
who came out to help!
The Paradigm is still coming and will be
done in collaboration with the Engineers.
The next 432 will be out on the 10th of
Feburary. The next writer's meeting is the
3rd of February and the deadline, commonly confused with the time you consider starting your submission, is the 5th.
Complaints, praise, assistance and offers
of booze, drugs and promiscuity can be
directed to me at the432@hotmail.com
Chris Zappavigna
Hello everyone! Science week is
nearly upon us- get ready for some
jello wrestling!!! Yours truely has a
3rd place title to defend. Let's rock the
house.Ok, onto more important things:
final exam hardship policy. The Senate
Academic Policy meeting last week went
well. Overall, I think we have faculty support for this because during the meeting it
was that noted several heads nodding in
agreement during the presentation (the
meeting was particularly well-attended
because of the whole Sauder School of
Business naming issue and the new classification    system    proposal    for    Master
degrees). Paul Harrison (Associate Dean
of Science) spoke in much support of this
initiative after I presented the proposal to
the committee. Brian Silzer (the registrar)
is very receptive to this idea, even commended the student initiative of it, and
will report back at the next committee
meeting as to the feasibility of the options
suggested. Brian will also provide viable
alternatives that address the problem of
"exam clusters" based on his extensive
knowledge and experience in exam scheduling—I believe he has at least 3 staff members from Enrollment Services working on
this issue with him. Richard Tees (the chair
of the committee) has remained more or
less neutral about the topic but has
promised to pursue it until it is sufficiently
addressed and resolved.
arrrr... this here be a black barrrr Page Twelve
20 January 2004
Brought to you by the Science Undergraduate Society


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