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The 432 Nov 13, 2001

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 VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE SEX
13 NOVEMBER 2001
In this issue:
Tankings
Sex Toys
aughty...
Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels great until you realize that you've just fucked yourself.
■unknown
Holly War!
Sleighs flown into toy conglomerate headquarters.
North Pole (reuters)
The toy industry entered the 21st Century today. Early this morning four
sleds filled with explosives were driven into the main factories of Mattel, manufacturer of the popular childrens toys Barbie and equally popular (yet not as widely
advertised) homosexually-targeted action
figure Ken (now with cock-ring ejaculation
remote control). The explosion rocked the
surrounding countryside, but the reverberations have been felt across the globe.
Over 5,000 people are reported missing
and presumed dead due to these alleged
terrorist acts.
"It is a sad day for toy manufacturers
everywhere and for the noble assembly
men, the most tragic victims of this attack,
whose only goal was to bring joy to a child's
heart. A fund has been set up for the men
and women horribly disfigured by the
molten plastic which Was cruelly used
against them by the heat of the explosion
and the hatred of these terrorists", read a
statement issuedby the head of the Mattel
corporation, Barney Glotz.
The man most likely behind these acts,
Jimmy bin Drinkin, has been on the
F.B.I.'s Ten Thousand Most Wanted List
for the past year due to alleged involvement with sabotaging Furbiestm and other
obselete yet still occasionally irritating fad
toys. His early work was all but ignored by
authorities, but today leaders around the
world, sobered by the magnitude of the
sudden attacks, are calling for the detention and/or excecutionof the man responsible.
Bin Drinkin, a Clause extremist, has
declared war on commercial toy manufacturers around the globe for what he calls
'blasphemous acts against the ideals of
Santa Clause.'
Passenger lists of the sleighs show they
contained only 5 year old drivers, who supported bin Drinkin's suicide plan upon
promises of being granted a vial of pixie
dust to allow them to fly to Never-never
Land, where they would have all the Poke-
mon they could ever want. The Clause
movement's use of young children for it's
violent and devastating attacks is seen by
many as a way of flaunting it's control over
the youth that no one else could subjugate.
Jimmy bin Drinkin, in a videotaped statement from his hideout in the Yukon, on his
way to meet the almighty Clause, stated
that: "Those who do not believe in Santa
are infidels in his eyes. And they do
naughty things! But their parents don't
care and still give them nice presents, posing as Santa. But they are naughty in
Santa's eyes. We are beyond lumps of coal,
we must cleanse Santa's list of the naughty
by righteous war. Death to the naughty!"
Bin Drinkin then continued on to call on
all 'nice' people to rise up to join in the battle with  Santa against their 'naughty
THE. f ARMING
by   Jack    McLaren    and    Pat
LOT 15 fQLL
S p a c e k
http://www.plif.com
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Jimmy's  Ti^Etwt   rE*R", ^ii*  i^uA^     v>
1 J       \
Got TiMT, v00 eAb7A(?o?'     _y
oppressors'. Children who are pure of heart
are expected to be the easiest for bin
Drinkin to manipulate, thus making the
strength of his army and his riteous war all
the greater.
Early reports of riots in support of bin
Drinkin at primary and elementary schools
across the nation have caused an outcry
amongst parents and educators.
"We really have no one to blame but ourselves" said broken of spirit soccer mom
Betty Armstrong. "We've been spoiling our
kids for years, and all it took was the radical action of a fucked-up extremist lunatic
from the North Pole to cause a mass rebellion amoung them. We have to kill the
fucker before he plants further ideas into
the heads of our precious little babies."
The fallout from the lawlessness of the day
has given hundreds skinned knees and left
thousands more wedgied. Emergency testicular surgeries are expected to rise as
children supporting the Clause movement,
in an attempt to remain on the gift reciev-
ing end of the conflict, continue to punish
disedents who cling to the pre-Clause
ideals.
"We are here to show our support for
Jimmy bin Drinkin. We believe in Santa
Clause, and know that he smiles upon us
for carrying out glorious bloody justice
against those that displease him. The
Santa-less who oppress us have felt the
righteous will of the almighty magical
Father Christmas. Praise be to Kris
Kringle",. cried student activist Billy
Michaels, during recess yesterday. His
speech was met with loud cheers and
shortly thereafter schoolyard violence
errupted.
The rapidly growing support of bin Drinking and the Clause movement has extended
beyond the schoolyard and the arcade to
the offices and factories of the nation.
Reports of defections in the highest ranks
of the toy manufacturing industry have
been confirmed by members of the Clause
Movement. CEO's of both Tonka and Fischer Price are rumored to be in support of
the new righteous war to bring Santa and
his followers to glorious reign.
The American government, along with
China, Taiwan and Mexico has promised
swift and devastating action against bin
Drinkin and his supporters.
"The outcome of this war could determine
the economic fate of our contries", read a
statement released by the new alliance.
Assasinations of Santa Clause, the supreme
leader of the violent new movement, are
allegedly being planned by the allies' anti-
terrorist special task force, although it is
reported that he is difficult to pin down.
Clause supporters threaten that more devastating actions will be taken by bin
Drinkin if demands are not met soon.
Anthrax Speaks Out
Culture THX-2-216 Comments at
Public Forum
So what did you think happened to your
childhood imaginary friend, anyway?
Vancouver (reuters)
More than 200 people crammed
into Buchanan B on Monday
November 5th to hear local bacteria culture THX-2-216, a microscopic collective belonging to the Bacillus Anthracis
family of organisms, speak at its first public forum since other members of Anthrax
bacteria were first blamed in recent attacks
on the US.
A 432 reporter, Frank Yang, described by
some as "less than lucid", was on location.
Security was tight at the top floor woman's
washroom as 2-216's speech responded to
critics and health workers who "opposed
the continued existence of Anthrax" while
condemning US led Cipro attacks on
Anthrax growth sites.
"The attacks on our single celled brothers
and sisters in the south are unwarranted
and carried out in cold blood." said 2-216,
"These attacks are not only on one family of
bacteria, they are a genocidal effort by the
Bush administration to systematically wipe
out all microscopic life."
2-216 went on to comment that while
many North Americans tend to equate 'cellular mitosis' with 'jihad' or holy war, for
the majority of Anthrax strains the term
simply means a struggle for survival.
"Most Anthrax strains are benign. They
should not be represented by the few
weapons grade extremists that orchestrated the recent fatal infections. Our own biological ancestry goes back to the beginnings of life on earth and we have as much
a right to live as anyone." concluded 2-216.
By the end of the speech 2-216 received a
standing ovation. One attendant at the
forum was so overcome with emotion she
had to be hospitalized.
The culture, on loan from Mujaheddin
Healthcare Solutions, a Vancouver-based
biotech company, will continue for a round
of public appearances before crossing the
border to the United States.. When asked
where their next appearance will be, THX-
2-216 replied, "We haven't decided yet, we
think wherever the wind takes us." Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
Volume Fifteen
Issue Sex
13 November 2001
Nice Ass Ed
Lana "Sexilicious" Rupp
lerupp@interchange.obc.ca
Ambivalent Sex Object
Jay "Psycho Killer" Garcia
Mean Fiend
Dan "Fiend" Anderson
josander@interchange.ubc.ca
Nipple Clamps
Frank "Out of Nowhere" Yang
Sameer "Smear" Waheed
Lana "Toohottospellouthere" Rupp
Kevin "Factory" Nottle
Ryan "Absolute" M.
Andy "S-Mart" Martin
Jordana "Spiked Club" Laporte
Jo "Smoking" Krack
gimmekrack@hotmail.com
Miyako "Appendage" Hewett
Gill "Grrrreat" Gunson
Jay "Quakemaster" Garcia
Sister "Reaper" Death
Albert "The Quiet One" Chen
Wade "SI" Carmichael
somuchspaaam@hofmai/.coni
Dan "Shut Up Already!" Anderson
Bedposts
May "Metis" Tee
Katherine "Kegger" Scotton
Brian "Supershinerdude" MacLean
Kristen "Smackdown" Lyons
Mike "Smart Like Dumptruck" Groves
Tommy "Tiddly" Gershwin
Printed by
College "da" Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Bright Spots and Subsequent Retinal Damage
Lana Rupp
thinker
Some of you (probably just one or two
of my close friends who humor me
and look for my articles in every
issue) may have noticed my absence from
the last issue. Rest assured I have been
working diligently behind the scenes and
have been deep in thought. Here's, in part,
what I have been painstakingly pondering.
Frosh
I love frosh in every way that a young hormone driven, sexually starved, slightly perverse (slightly perverse: adj: kinky,
nekkid-boy-lovin, chain-owning, whip-
wielding, boy-toy-abusing, cradle-robbing, man-beating, sexually abusive,
incredibly sexy -fiend) young woman can
love a tender young morsel of man meat. I
mean frosh are just so amusing and fun to
talk to... mainly because they have yet to be
crushed under the spiike-heeled boot of the
dominatrix that is UBC (providing, of
course, that they are: not in Arts. Artsies
may also be crushed, but it is more due to
the inevitable realization that one day, in
the not so distant future, they'll be able to
hang their little red visor, with the golden
arches on it, next to a piece of paper on
their cheap crumbling apartment wall,
which proclaims them graduates of our
fine institution, yet not productive members of society). That and I enjoy their
sweet little innocence and naivety. Awww..
frosh.
Pit Creatures
Pit creatures and their slightly less conspicuous cousins (those who attend a selection of bars rather than the Pit exclusively)
are beginning to burrow their way into my
thoughts. I'm not sure I understand the
ways of these bizarre beings. I have
watched them from a far, observing Pit
nights like religious holidays and dutifully
applying their thickest makeup coats,
strongest colognes, most attractive clothing and stocking their pockets and purses
with money better spent on food and
tuition. They writhe around on the dance
floor for hours and ultimately awaken the
next morning with hangovers and possibly
next to members of the opposite (or same)
sex that undoubtedly appeared more
attractive the night before. I hear them
complain about the after effects or how
they hate to be groped but I never see them
reject a Pit night. I found myself at the Pit
the other day, gazing out over the dance
floor, for the seventh time in 3 weeks... oh
damn.
Sick and Twisted Thoughts
I have recently rediscovered an old vice
and uncovered the more bizarre thinking
patterns of my brain (I've also been more
strung out this week than ever before). In
addition, I have been talking to some very
interesting Sussies and Arts students who
happen to be hanging around the SUS
lounge. The insights resulting from these
incidents will keep me busy for months. I'll
spare you many of the dirtier details but
wow... until now I never considered the
alternate usages of such an array of objects,
nor had I seriously thought about the
processes behind pizza preparation and
delivery. Also, I have never enjoyed observing the playing of a video game quite as
much as I enjoy watching my guy friends
and their StarCraft (probably a sign that I
need more sleep). It's also occurred to me
suddenly that the majority of the content in
the 432 holds random inside jokes, meaningless to the average reader. For this I
apologize and in future articles I will
attempt to explain some of the more
obscure references so that you may laugh
and cringe with us. My last realization is
that I lack some key experience that would
help me to fall into the geek stereotype
more comfortably and completely. I really
need to actually watch Star wars, read
some Lord of the Rings and add a video
game to my computer.
Fear
Incidentally, has anyone noticed my peculiar penchant for alliteration? Oh god! I'm
an Artsie! OH DEAR GOD NO! Wait, just a
bad dream. Deep breaths.
I'm also scared of future pain and scarring
which will result from my new skateboard.
Thanks Jay, Dan and Ryan!
We try. After all, nothing turns us on like
scar tissue,
-fiend
Fiend or Foe? The 11th hour of the 11th day
Dan Anderson
Kevin Nottle
Fiend by Decree
Help, it's happened. SUS has finally
turned against me. As of the first of
November, I have to refer to myself
as 'fiend' in this publication, my official
title in SUS is "The Fiend of SUS", and I am
to be tanked every Thursday until December.
So far so good. I (with much-appreciated
help from the esteemed Jay Garcia, who
really should try playing rugby) managed
to escape the hordes of SUSsies who
attempted to tank me this thursday (ok,
fine, so only one of them was really running after me. They all would have helped
once I was pinned down). Seven weeks to
go. I can't believe they passed such a
motion in council - that's right, your hard-
earned SUS fees put towards calling me
'Fiend' and tanking me. Who woulda
guessed?
Editorials
So, I'm finally doing an editorial. Probably
my first since issue 1. I'm excited. Really.
Editors
I have to say, I'm impressed by the other
editors here. Jay is amazing at everything,
and Lana is quite possibly the most frosh-
hungry woman I've ever met. And for some
strange reason, she actually wants to be
tanked by the engineers. No shitting. Email
her or call SUS when she's in - I don't
understand it. She's been tanked once, so
it's not the novelty. She was freezing after-
wads, so it's not like she thinks it's a day at
the beach. I just don't get her sometimes.
She decided on my byline though, so she's
wonder-wonder-wonderful. Yay, Lana!
Gladiator
Gladiator is the best intramurals event
ever. And we won every game. And a guy
on our team and I won the doubles
"humpathon" contest. Honestly. Fun stuff!
On a serious note
This Remembrance Day should have
had more meaning to the average
Canadian than any November nth
since the Gulf War. This is because once
again Canadian soldiers are putting themselves in harms way in a big way.
Some may point out that the Canadian
Forces have continuously had personnel
deployed on peacekeeping missions for the
last few decades, but I feel that that is different. The soldiers, sailors and airmen
being sent to Afghanistan are not being
sent to act as a buffer between belligerents
that have agreed to try and stop fighting,
but rather to take on an opponent on his
home ground. And rather formidable
ground it is.
Afghanistan is a very tough nut
to crack. The British tried to
conquer it at the height of
their military might, and
failed. Ditto for the Russians. Now the US and its
allies intend to try the
same thing. True they
have some help on the
ground    already.   The
Northern   Alliance    is
more than willing to take
on the Taliban, but that
doesn't change the fact that
Afghanistan is hell for an
invading army.
Canadian soldiers are going into this
hell, and could quite actually already be on
the ground. (No one ever admits what JS2
is doing, so they could have in country for
weeks already and we'd never know.)
Regardless of how much justification the
US has in attacking Afghanistan should
have no bearing on how we view the soldiers actually doing the fighting.
The grunts actually on the ground never
got a chance to say whether or not they
wanted to fight the Taliban. (Though I'll
doubt you'll find any dissenters, in the
ranks.) They signed up to,, defend, .their
country, our country; against any threats,
and to follow the orders of their superiors.
The politicians said send in the grunts so in
they go, end of discussion. So if you disagree with the war, don't take it out on
those currently serving Queen and Country.
If you can't detach yourself sufficiently
from present events to let you respect those
currently in uniform, take some thought
for those who have served in years past.
After all Remembrance Day is mainly
about those who served and died in years
previous. Those who fought and died at
Vimy ridge, Gallipoli, Dieppe, Stalingrad,
Pusang, the Balkans, Rawanda, and countless more battlefields that only historians
remember. To disrespect them is a sin that
cannot be forgiven. You owe these people,
and you owe them recognition.
I trust that when you read this,
you can look back on where
you   were   this   Remembrance Day, and say, I
remembered, I showed
my respect. I know I'll
be able to say that, as
I'll  be  at  the  South
Burnaby      Cenotaph,
with the scouts of my
Troop, showing respect
to my two grandfathers
(a rifleman in the Australian infantry, and a navigator on a RCAF Lancaster)
and all those who served their
country before, with and after them.
"They shall not grow old, as we who are
left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor
the years condemn. At the going down of
the sun, and in the morning. We will
remember them."
You've heard those words so many times,
you may have grown tired of them, but I
ask you to go beyond them and realize that
but for a twist of fate, any one of us could
be having those words read over our grave. 13 November 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
The Mask of Sluggy
/rtwtf) Andy Martin
The Next Big Thing
New York is truly a cultural mecca.
Living in Vancouver, you get so few
things other than the best babes,
beer and bongs in North America. No culture. Nada. I was told 3 things upon moving to New York last August: 1) Everyone
has to live in New York for 6 months before
they die. 2) You won't last 2 weeks in New
York, and 3) There are a lot of fabulous cultural events that you just don't get anywhere else.
But, that the highest cultural event I was
to attend would be in Jersey? Concerning a
society of people who worshiped an art
form that the majority of the 'upper class'
didn't even know about. Well, that was a
twist. ■■
Webcomic readers are the S-M-R-T-S-T
people in the world. We take the time and
effort to fish around for the greatest writing around. And the best comic on the web,
nae, in the world today, is Sluggy Freelance. Found at www.sluggy.com, it has
been running daily for four years. Those
that have completed the archive, a punishing task that takes roughly 30 hours, and
worship this truly nifty comic, are refer-
ered to as 'sluggites'.
When I saw the advertisement on the web-
page, I knew the time had come. I bought
two tickets to the 'Slugween' Halloween
Party, believing at least one of my so-called
'friends' in NYC would also read Sluggy
Freelance, or at least want to go to a party
oil the Sunday night before a midterm. Cul-
taral ]mecca my Aunt Fanny. I swallowed
the^extra"ticket in a bitter pie, sweetened
only -by the knowledge that I knew more
about taste than anybody I knew.
My Wet Coast buddies were seething with
jealousy. The echoes of "bastard' could be
heard from across the continent. But I had
more pressing problems, like a costume to
impress those running this comic. This
became of the utmost importance due to
the fact that the best costume would get the
wearer immortalized in the strip for a few
panels before mortality came crashing in
again as the wearer was messily devoured
by the rampaging alien former-secretary-
turned-web-designer, was possibly the
coolest prize anybody could ask for...ever.
A week prior, I came to the realization that
Riffs Rampaging Robot (well known for
killing the Easter Bunny and going toe-to-
toe with both a major demon and the
hottest psycho-killer-assassin in the world
today) costume would not come to be. The
lack of a soldering iron, one week of free
time, and $500 of sheet metal made the
plan inadvisable. An evening of clunking
around in pieces of cardboard explaining to
everyone that 'I'm that robot...you know...'
was not the haut social attire the night
demanded. What would suffice as a
redeeming costume that had the class I
knew I could convey, as well as appeal to
the 'je ne sais quoi?' that sluggites posses?
I scanned my favorite horror movies. A
spark, but no fire. Then, later than day in
the video games store...Evil Dead. Hail to
the King. Ashes to Ash. Bingo. Let's get this
thing planned.
A week of planning? For a costume? Me?
Could creativity evolve from something
other than last-minute panic and my parents' attic? We were going to find out, if it
killed us.
Buying a chainsaw blade online, two $2
bootleg belts on the street, a $40 shirt I
would never wear in unshredded form, and
one (1) wackload of electrical tape, I completed my most expensive and most intricate costume to date. The blade gave me a
heart attack, arriving in my mail literally
hours before it was too late. Several hours
of the 'OH CRAP THAT ISN'T GONNA
WORK!!!' Saturday night that followed
finally turned out a usable costume. Unfortunately, it was the first time I had used
spraypaint indoors for quite a while. Oh
well, the walls needed a tint to make them
interesting.
My first trip to Jersey went off well. Complicated directions via website. Had to love
it. Using the same system used by the flawless search engines of the internet, that
cause the most objectionable sites to pop
up everytime I search for even the most
innocent 'cute, little, baby chicks' search, I
actually formulated a complicated and
well-timed plan. The dye was cast, and God
was distracted, so I made it to my location,
new sluggite friend Frank in tow, without a
hitch.
15 minutes in the bathroom together, we
had our costumes fitted, and left knowing
what girls felt like when they go to the
bathroom together.
Costumes. Dear God there were costumes.
And even atheistically, there were costumes. I will attempt, 'till the time I get
bored with it, to highlight the ones that
shone through:
Aliens Marine. Dear God, that was a perfect costume. A lot of time, attention to
detail, and yes, even love, went into that
costume. Even those little details that you
expect to be easy, but end up ruining your
costume, he had worked out perfectly. The
man likely invested over $500 US into the
costume and was proud to show it off. His
gun was made from other real guns, put
together as James Cameron had them
designed.
Oasis. The only cartoon character this side
of the Pacific that can filled the void in my
heart since Lola Granola left me in a lurch,
was personified in a finely sowed and
sparkly outfit. Twas good enough to earn
her top Strip-Related costume. An ingenious Fluffy, 3 Riffs and 2 Torgs gave her a
run for her money. When it came time for
the Quatrix re-enactment, the floor ran yellow with nerf.
Zorgon Gola. Goddammit, even in a full-
sized universe, I wish he'd wear pants.
[Yep, I realize that the last few sentences
would confuse all but the coolest, they're
all characters in the strip. READ IT
ALREADY!!!]
Blade Runner. Another flawless costume.
The furry ... thing (yep, it's been way too
long since I watched it) on his shoulder was
enough to attract you to him to be able to
see the truly sweet ID and lapel pin.
And...the Avengers! Heh, I thought they
were just a couple who couldn't come up
with a costume, and just decided to dress
dressy. Damn my born in the 70's lack of
culture. Where have you gone, Emma Peel?
Jesus loves you more than you can...uh,
Presents from Oz
Gill Gunson
Bifurcawha?
y parents are flying to Australia
next week. Damn them. Damn
them!
No, I'm all right, honest. If I had any wish
to have the sort of life that involves vacation I wouldn't be a professional undergrad
in my 7th year. And it's not like I'd want to
join them, stuck inside a caravan with my
parents for 3 weeks. They're planning on
doing a lot of sleeping and reading anyway,
they say. Why they're going halfway
around the world and to a different hemisphere to do so perhaps has something to
do with the thrill of reading Tom Clancy on
the can while the toilet flushes in the opposite direction.
In any case, Mom was nice enough to ask
me what I wanted her to bring me back
from their trip. As I'm really sick of "Made
in India" stuffed animals, I've come up
with a list of truly authentic souvenirs that
I think signify what is "Australian" much
better:
MY AUSTRALIA WISH LIST
1. Didgeridoo. It's an authentic Australian
aborigine instrument. It's long and wooden
and you blow at one end. However, don't
cany it on the plane as it's long, pointy, and
could be used as a weapon.
2. Kangaroo penis bone. Kangaroo penises
are bifurcated, or forked. That's different.
I'm sure you can find those at the duty-free
store in the airport before you fly home.
However, be sure not to carry it on the
plane as it's long, pointy, and could be used
as a weapon.
3. Boomerang. One of those sticks that you
throw that eventually comes back to you
without the aid of a dog. But don't bring it
on the plane with you as it's long, pointy,
and could be used as a weapon.
That's all I could really think of. However,
I thought I would also ask my parents to
accomplish a few things over there, just so
Iknewthat they were having a truly memorable experience. A videotape of these
events would be appreciated:
MY VIDEOTAPE WISH LIST
1. Teaching a kangaroo to walk backwards.
Supposedly they can't. But I'm sure it's
possible with time and effort. Especially if
you attempt to get me item number 2 from
the list above.
2. Shear a sheep. For no particular reason.
Australia has the largest sheep population
in the world, so you should be able to find
one easily. Here, pussy pussy pussy...
3. Screw with the biodiversity. In 1859, 24
rabbits were brought over on ships to the
continent. By 1865 there were 2 million of
them. So, Mom and Dad, find yourselves
some beavers and let them loose. Mmm,
nice beaver.
4. Go to the Dingo Fence (the world's
largest fence) and piss against it. Just to
say that you have. Unless it's electric. No,
please don't film this one.
5. Find a 6-year-old silver barramundi
(native animal) and keep it from changing
sex. (That animal spends 6 years as a male
and then becomes female). I'm sure that
with therapy at least one can be shown that
it's better to stay male, especially with the
rest of them suddenly becoming "available".
You may wonder why all of these ideas of
mine seem to revolve around animals. I
have no answer for that, but to say that all
of this information came from Internet
research. Honest.
Oh yes, there's one more thing I forgot to
put on the list for my parents:
6. Don't get caught. That which the Australian police may confiscate from you may
be long, pointy, and capable of being used
as a weapon.
Last I checked, they didn't confiscate
long, pointy imaginations or senses of
humour, so your parents should be fine.
-fiend
feel [fade into bad karaoke]
Early on in the party, I got stared down by
two costumes, a soldier and a paramedic.
Both of which were actually really their
actual real, truly recommendable jobs.
Damn, I never got sucked through a trans-
dimentional portal, cut my hand off
because of demon possession, defeated an
army of the undead, or got the girl. Gotta
work on that.
Frank, my companion in public transit,
made the required tribute to pre-Eyes
Wide Shut Stanley Kubrick (okay, I realize
that there isn't any other kind, but didn't
that movie bite?), dressing as Alex from
Clockwork Orange. He gets full credit for
best-last-minute recovery from costume
flaw for: 1) Buying white tape as 4 hours
before the party. 2) Buying a hat between
train stations, 3 hours before the party. 3)
Discovering that toilet paper, twisted up, is
a good padder, in the washroom, 2 minutes
before the party. There is unfortunately, no
prize for flying by the seat of your pants,
but it would've been a hell of a reality TV
show.
The party went smashingly. Mr., Mrs. And
wee lil* Abrams were fashionably late. Mr.
Abrams, the creator of the strip, did the
rounds, meeting his fans, while his daughter preferred to do the laps around the
same people.
The competition was tough, but my acting
ability, slight inebriation and obsessive-
ness over cool quotes, showed through,
and I clinched the gold, unfortunately having to share with the Avengers. I let out a
far too arrogant-y roar upon the announcement, which I feel far too bad about now.
But then, I felt even worse winning the next
prize for my estimations of 'NorhternLight-
sHead Girl' and 'Inefficient, but Unbelievably Sexy Cheese "Grater'. I am selfish and
probably will pay for it in bad karma ever-
so-soon.
And now, call it 'karma', call it 'destiny',
call it 'not studying',T will fail that midterm
on Wedsnesday because I was cavorting at
a warped masquerade in Jersey with a
bunch of oddly clothed sluggites. For sluggites we are, and forever shall
remain...nifty?
Sports Rebates
Are Due!
Deadline:
Friday Nov.
23 at 12pm
"«fey& Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
You All Must Die     Mother Earth Sued
Sister Death
A bit morbid
Other than an email to tell me that I
have been pre-selected for a free
debt analysis, there hasn't been
much activity in the dead pool recently.
Strom Thurmond is still kicking around,
the Pope and the Queen Mum and Osama
Bin Laden appeared on my 6 o'clock news,
and if the Backstreet Boys died, I'm sure
the unified tantrums of the world's 12 year
old girls would shatter my eardrums. In
other words, there is nothing to report. So,
in lieu of any news on the dead pool, I was
asked to fill space with an article. I am flattered, as I have never written an article
specifically for an article's sake. Once, last
year, my space was co-opted by a very long
article, accidentally tacked on to the end of
my dead pool update, but I hold no malice
towards that editor. My article is going to
be about a favourite topic these days;
human nature.
Contrary to the beliefs of some protestors
these days, it is not human nature to be
lovey-dovey and forgiving. If recorded history is any indication, it is human nature to
maim and kill anything that would be considered a threat to a) one's self, b) one's
family, or c) one's livestock. While yes, it is
more feel-good and humane these days to
help, one must not be mistaken into thinking that human nature can change from
point X to point Y in less than a hundred
years. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying
it's not to be unexpected.
However, that takes us to the whole
"nature" versus "nurture" argument. If a
child is raised to hate something or someone, it will stick around for quite a while.
Children aren't little adults with the ability
to rationally comprehend a situation, they
listen to the authority figure (mom, dad,
the Man, what-have-you) because that's
what kids do. But would a kid raised in a
peace-loving, brown rice-eating, sandal-
wearing environment by default become a
peace-loving, brown rice-eating, sandal-
wearing adult? A child raised with a certain
set of values does grow up to be an adult
with the ability to question his or her values. It works both ways: A kid raised in a
house full of rednecks can become the
biggest open-hearted multicultural person
in Vancouver, or a kid raised by Man-hat
ing hippies (The Man hating, not man-hating hippies) can become the CEO personification of corporate whoredom.
So what does this prove? Anything is possible, and that everyone is equally screwed
up. I'm the only one who knows what's
going on, so you'll pardon me if I just nod
and smile patronizingly while you try and
tell me that it's human nature to work
together and be happy and sing "It's a
small world after all." That view of human
nature is as real as a talking mouse named
Mickey.
To end, I offer you a bit of advice. If you
are eating lunch at the office, and the lunch
happens to be blood-red tandouri chicken,
and you somehow spill the entire thing on
your crotch, and you have a meeting with
the boss and the entire management team
in fifteen minutes, there are some simple
steps to follow to avoid being taken away in
the paddy-wagon.
1) Remain calm. Screaming in pain (if the
lunch was still steaming hot) will only
attract unwanted attention, and with what
looks like blood stains in your crotch, most
people will act first (by most likely calling
security) and ask later.
2) Remove the larger pieces of chicken
from your lap. Having shredded flesh
pieces in your blood-coloured lap if potentially more disturbing than just having a
blood-covered lap.
3) Scan the office. Is there anyone there
with your pants size? How about the guy in
the corner? Is anyone talking to him? No?
Good.
4) Pick up a larger folder and hold it
strategically in front of your blood-
coloured lap. Walk over to the guy in the
corner. Strike up a casual conversation.
5) Make sure no one is looking. Manoeuvre around and tackle the guy in the corner
to the ground. Using handy office supplies,
gag him and wrestle his pants off. Trade his
with yours, and after shoving him under
his desk, casually make your way back to
your own desk to prepare for your meeting.
Be very quick, because you never know
when the secretary will return from her
smoke break. With any luck, no one will
believe the guy in the corner's story, as
after all, he's got a red crotch. Hope to hell
your meeting goes well.
Thank you for your time, and don't fear
the Reaper.
AMS Unveils Budget
Amendment
Vows to Cut Spending at Any Cost
Frank Yang
Scrooge
The Alma Mater Society (AMS) recently unveiled its new budget amendment to the student body at large in
response to recent allegations by the
Ubyssey and others of wasteful spending
and mismanagement. The budget amendment, drafted one week after a fee increase
was approved by students who voted on the
recent referendum, establishes what AMS
president Erfan Kazemi calls "A dynamic
new plan to solve the our overspending
problems."
The amendment will place the estimated
extra $430,000 collected by the AMS over
4 years towards a special budget review
fund, whereby $150,000 will go towards
hiring the best consultants and accountants money can offer in an attempt to pull
the budget out of the red. A further
$250,000 will be paid in compensation to
current AMS staff for relinquishing their
positions to take up post on an appointed
'Expenditures Review Committee', created
by the AMS to specifically tackle the spending problems in its annual budget. The rest
of the money, totalling around $30,000,
will be spent creating a new $500 dollar
per student reverse charge yearly lottery
where, quote Kazemi, "Students can win
many cool prizes!" including a scholarship
paid for by the AMS worth up to five hundred dollars.
After recent negotiations, members of the
432 publication have agreed to join the
new Expenditures Review Committee to
ensure a source of unbiased coverage of
AMS finances. The amendment is seen by
the 432 as a positive change on part of the
AMS. It will please many students to know
their leaders and representatives are making an active effort in solving overspending
problems. No longer is the Society's staff
covering their shortfalls by merely asking
for more money. This budget amendment
looks like a positive first step in cutting
back AMS spending for years to come.
Kevin Nottle
Down To Earth
An irate US Postal Service employee
has registered his ire with Mother
Nature's creation of anthrax by suing
the anthromorphic manifestation.
Distressed at his possible exposure to the
deadly bacteria while delivering mail Joe
Flatfoot is determined to make someone
hurt.
"It's a waste of time to sue the USPS, even
if they didn't tell anyone about there being
anthrax in the mail we were delivering. You
can never win against the government
under normal circumstances. With all the
jingoism running around now, I'd get
lynched for even saying one bad word
about the feds.
"Even though Osama [bin Ladin] probably
did put the goop in the postal system, you
can't sue a corpse, and it's only a matter of
time until he's a vapourised corpse.
"This only leaves the bitch who created
anthrax in the first place. Mother Nature
put anthrax on this planet, so any and all
damage it caused is her fault, including
scaring the shit out of me."
Officially, Gaia's lawyers are keeping their
counsel, but bribable flunkies reveal the
panic behind this inscrutable facade.
"On a scale of one to ten for absurdity, this
case busts the scale at a.definite 12. Flatfoot
can't help but win. He's banking on the
infinite stupidity of the average American.
"Look, if someone can successfully sue
McDonalds for something that was her
own damn fool fault, this joker will defi
nitely win. He's suing a figment of our
imaginations for doing her job."
A spokeswoman for Flatfoot stated her
client's position in a more rational fashion.
"This supposedly wonderful entity, the
'granter of all that is wonderful on this
planet' is actually trying to kill us all off.
Anthrax has but one purpose, to kill mammals. To let this lethal substance have free
reign over the entire planet is criminally
negligent.
"I'm surprised it has taken so long for
someone to realise this and bring this dangerous person to justice."
Mark Berry, a UBC law student, could not
help but put in his two cents.
"On the surface, this seems so patently
absurd that no rational jury would return
anything but 'not guilty'. However, no
American jury is ever rational, especially
when they think they can stick it to the big
guys, and who's bigger than nature?
"But no one ever looks at the consequences of these big settlements. Mother
nature has no liquid assets, (I mean monetary liquid assets - she does control all the
free water on the planet,) so how can she
pay the huge indemnity coming her way?
"She can't unless she starts selling things,
like control of the weather, or natural
resources. Do we really want some rich
nutso like Bill Gates controlling whether or
not you get flooded next year? I don't think
so.
"Basically, because this dumbass post man
is a little bit scared, the planet is fucked."
The case is to go before the bench next
week with Judge B. Labbermouth presiding.
Ill h 1   llllllf nllll
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donations encouraged
Thon
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of November
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in tm Scarfe^pJxTh6atre 2
for more info check out www.ubcimprov.com
Fill This Space.
Send your soon-to-be material to:
the432@hotmail.com 13 November 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Tank the Bastards!
Kevin Nottle
One-Time Virgin of the Water
The October 16 article of the nEUSpa-
per sent out a challenge to all EUS
clubs. Be the first to tank all of the
SUS executives, and get a keg for your club.
The rules were firm. All tankings were to
take place in one of two places. All tankings
were to be on video tape, with the one individual reading off all the charges for every
suspect. To make it even more challenging,
the SUS room manager Sameer Wahid, one
damn heavy guy, also had to be tanked.
With rules firmly in hand, and visions of
drunken debauchery in their heads, the
'Geers set out to immerse the residents of
Klinck 202 in freezing cold water.
Now this is when it should get really interesting, as the clubs vie to be the first to
complete the quest, using any and all tricks
required to get that keg. I envisioned
hordes of students in red jackets fighting
for possession of tankees; 'Geers waiting in
ambush, pouncing on unsuspecting science
men and hauling them to the Cheeze for a
close encounter with hypothermia. The
exec, not taking this lying down, daring the
engineers to track them down, laying
booby trapped false trails strewn with the
corpses of red jacket students.
But none of that bloody well happened.
Except for one notable incident, it was so
fucking'civilized. Only one club, Engineering Physics, better known as the Fizzers,
even tried to win the keg.
Within a week of the challenge being
made, two representatives of the Fizzers'
came by the most logical place to find SUS
execs, the SUS lounge, Klinck 202... or so
they thought, unaware of the fact that exec
sightings are few and far between at this
bastion of SUS hacks.
Undaunted by this lack of targets, the
'Geers sent written warnings to the female
execs, as required by the rules of tanking.
This gives the members of the fairer sex a
chance to attire themselves more appropriately for immersion in just above freezing
water. Males receive no such courtesy, and
are only allowed to strip down to what they
consider necessary before landing in a
watery grave.
Due to the lack of a date indicating when
the tankings would take place, these
notices were declared invalid. Momentarily
stymied, the 'Geers persevered.
On the Friday before the SUS council
retreat, the Fizzers scored their first kill.
Finding Kristin Lyons the sport rep with a
swimsuit at hand, and in an amenable
mood, off they went.
This was quite a non-event. Kristin decided she might as well get the whole thing
over with, and went quietly. Once at the
Cheeze, the charges were read, the bastard
found guilty, and the limp victim quietly
tossed in.
Now quite aware that this was for real, and
that they were all destined for multiple
immersions, the SUS execs decided not to
engage in all out war, but rather detente.
They sat down and actually negotiated with
the Fizzers. What a lack of spirit!
The terms were simple. The execs would
come quietly, and on a prearranged date,
would all be tanked in succession. The sole
dissenter was Sameer, but he got his later.
The Thursday following the retreat, the
following execs arrived promptly at 12:00
at the Cheeze: Michael Groves, Corrie
Baldwin, Tommy Gerschman, Katherine
Scotton and Timothy Chan. Charges and
tanking followed in short order with much
cheering from all watching.
Reka Sztopa and May Tee arrived later
that afternoon and were also tanked, which
is where this story gets personal. After
watching all these tankings, I decided to
participate, and helped throw May in, not
realizing the consequences of such an act
for a virgin of the waters. After May had
climbed out of the Cheeze pond, I found
myself being restrained by the other engineers present. I was then picked up, laid
down, and involuntarily stripped. Once
lain down in front of the pond, solely in my
underwear (regrettably not red) I was
charged with the following crimes against
engineering: Being a virgin of the waters,
not wearing red underwear and having
tanked someone while being a virgin of the
waters. I then got first hand experience of
the Cheeze pond's shrinkage factor, which
is significant.
Immediately following my immersion,
another individual was tanked for the same
crime as myself, after assisting in my
watery deflowering.
Returning to the non-saga, this marathon
session still left two SUS execs and one
room manager high and dry.
Sameer was dealt with at the SUS council
meeting that afternoon. Near the end of the
meeting, some individuals in red jackets
were seen to enter the chambers, and position themselves near the exits. After the
meeting was called to an end, the red jackets pounced and restrained Mr. Wahid. He
was then carried to the Cheeze with great
difficulty.
This fucker is damn heavy, and there is no
way four 'Geers could haul that much dead
weight to the Cheeze before the heat death
of the universe, so gleeful science men
assisted the struggling engineers. Even so,
it wasn't easy, and keeping a straight path
was difficult. This explains the various collisions with trees, lampposts, the ground,
and even a crotch-first impact on a signpost
(uh huh. Honestly. Accidental! -ass ed).
With the pond in sight, the 'Geers broke
out in song. The ordeal was nearly over.
Sameer was stripped, glasses removed, and
with the lack of Corrie, Kristin was pressed
into service, undoing his belt and fly.
Divested of all but his underwear (not a
pretty sight) Sameer was dropped into the
pond, being too heavy to throw.
Weeks later, Brian MacLean was tracked
down, and quietly tanked. Tanking Benjamin Warrington, the Director of Publications posed significant difficulties, as he is
presently engaged in a co-op term taking
place on Calgary. A substitute had been
provided for in the rules. If an AUS executive was tanked, he or she could take the
place of Ben. This was soon done, also with
no fanfare.
The deeds were done, the quest complete,
albeit a rather lame quest. For what is supposed to be the most spirited faculty on
campus, this was a rather lacklustre campaign. Still, there were several tankings, so
it's all good.
Yes, yes it was. But you bastards didn 'f
tank either Dan or I... I feel so., so left
out, so neglected. Sigh, -ass ed
Seen it around?
The black hand
does not exist.
',3V*
. .  -     \   ' ill
***frtf«„
'-&£&('
■>     ,'
-t'S^f"
K Tanking Poem
for  Y'all
Executive,
I understand that at the last exec, meeting, you decided to
remedy the tanking situatution by allowing the PhysEng
club to tank all of you tomorrow. I do not share your
enthusiasm about letting the 'geers off so easy, and I have
a little poem for you...
I won't give up, I will fight,
I'll stop the 'geers with all my might,
(might: mass -ass ed)
They can try to take me away,
And will I ever make them pay,
(ooooh my back -fiend)
I have nothing to lose, everything to gain,
I show those 'geers the King of Pain,
(Those poles had to hurt eh Sammy? -ass ed)
I'll outsmart and outwit,
I'll use some sass,
And if that fails,
I'll kick some ass,
(we did see a lot of ass... -ass ed)
With the Science Compass - my guiding light,
I will not go quietly into that long dark night,
(SPLASH! -ass ed)
I will stand tall, proud and true,
Forever defending Science Blue.
(the pond is not really all that blue is it now Sammy? -ass
ed)
Sameer Wahid Page Sex
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
ICBC Announces 'Hottie'
Insurance Rate Change
Jo Krack
Distracting
In addition to a general rise in premiums, ICBC announced today that a new
"Hot Lady" surcharge will be implemented immediately. "You see," explained
ICBC CEO Steve White in a well-attended
press conference yesterday, "hot women
drivers cause a lot of accidents, and it's not
fair that the average homely driver should
have to pay. You don't see horny young
men losing control of their cars because
they were gawking at a 45 year old housewife or a fat, balding computer programmer!"
The new surcharge will be automatically
applied to all female drivers between the
ages of 16 and 35. When questioned as to
how he could tell that all women within
that age range were necessarily "hot," and
therefore deserving of the surcharge, White
answered, "It is a sad fact that many
women in the designated age range are not,
in fact, hot. Yet it is an even sadder fact that
the standards of your average horny young
man are not that high. In test studies, it
was proven that most men strained to
glance at any driver possessing long hair,
or even short but femininely styled hair. At
first, we experimented with having women
shave their heads, but bald women attract
even more attention, thus distracting drivers further. Therefore, we must conclude
that the majority of women drivers pose a
safety hazard."
White was quick to add that extraordinarily homely women between the ages of 16
and 35 could attempt to opt out of the "Hot
Lady" surcharge by submitting to a "Hot-
ness Evaluation" by ICBC board members.
Of course, those women deemed "hot" by
the board would be forced to pay the surcharge. White avoided further questioning
of the "Hotness Evaluation," saying only
that it would involve full-frontal nudity
only at the discretion of board members.
Reaction to the "Hot Lady" surcharge has
been largely positive. Self-proclaimed "hot-
tie" Jenni Perky, 18, commented, "I, like,
totally see how guys would wanna, like, be
looking at me and stuff, and with this baby
tee, I could probably cause, like, major
accidents. So I totally support the surcharge. I mean, not that it affects me, since
I don't have a car. But when I'm on the bus
- watch out!" A group of horny young men
also agreed with the surcharge, giving such
reasons as "Chicks totally distract me, and
it's not fair," and "Just because I keep getting into accidents my car insurance is sooo
expensive - let those prissy 'good driver'
broads cough up some dough for a change,
that's equal rights for ya!"
Illegal Entry IV:
Going in the Back
Miyako Hewett
Trying Something New
I
really should stop illegally entering the
USA.
This summer, I was arrested in the United
States for illegal entry. I was subsequently
deported as I pleaded guilty and believed I
faced no bodily harm or persecution in my
country of origin (I checked off a little box
on a form that said so, so it must have been
true).
It all started when I was a kid. I used to
take long walks along the beach in
Tsawassen, as far south as I could go. Later
my dad informed me that I was actually
walking from Canada to the USA. I thought
that was cool. Little did I know that it was
illegal. For a while I was good, no more
border hopping. At least, until this summer.
My first offence occurred in an attempt to
cross the Minnesota-Ontario border. As it
turned out, the pedestrian door entering
the customs building was not clearly
marked. I decided to go around to the other
side to seek out a door, and as I rounded
the corner, a uniformed lady jumped out of
the building at me. "What are you doing!
You're supposed to check in!" She scared
the shit out of me! I tried to explain that it
was my first time crossing this border, and
I had not seen the pedestrian door. She
barked at me to go back around. Later,
inside the customs building, she did a thorough search of my bag and gave me the
third degree. She even asked me if I had
ever been charged for illegally entering the
United States.
Later that summer I went on a canoeing
excursion on a lake that cuts across the
international border. It all started out fine
and dandy until the wind picked up. It wasn't so much the strength of the wind, but
the direction. I found myself rapidly drawn
towards  the  States  (who  would  have
thought?). It must have looked funny. Here
I was paddling as hard as I could, and
going the opposite direction. On the way
across the border, I upset a large, congregation of seagulls, and got the thumbs up
from several boaters. Dumbasses, waving
with both hands is a sign of distress.
When I landed (or rather crashed) into the
States, I phoned the organization that I
rented the canoe from. They kindly
informed me that they were not able to
come get me, and that I was on my own.
They also gave me what they claimed was
the phone number of the Ontario Province
Police (OPP), which turned out to be
wrong. Luckily, the US property owner
helped me out, and phoned the sheriff. The
next hour was a tangled mess, as I re-
explained my story to officials from both
sides of the border. Eventually, I was
picked up by a sheriff and brought to the
border. Lots of paper work was done as a
formality. One form stated, "You are being
arrested for illegally entering the United
States of America. You have the right to
remain silent..." and you know the rest. I
asked the sheriff if I was being arrested and
he told me "yes and no, but if you check off
this box (pleading guilty, willfully being
returned) there is no charge, it's not as bad
as it looks" The paperwork was just a formality. My bag was not checked. When I
got to the border, my bag was not checked
there either. There was no fine, and I was
released back into Canada. Easy said, easy
done.
The funny thing was, that if I had tried to
canoe back into Canada, I could have had a
$400 fine for illegally entering Canada.
The American sheriff had told me that
once, he chased a Canadian poacher back
into Canada. Later the Canadian was
charged by the OPP for illegally entering
Canada. The irony is that the fine for
poaching would have been less.
The lesson of this story? If you have a need
to smuggle something into the States, just
go canoeing on a day that the wind is blowing south.
Mademoiselle Eglantine's Ultimate Guide to
Relationship for the
Incompetent Male Sex
Or: our longest title ever
Mademoiselle Eglantine
Sex and Beer...
Sadly, we could not find our male relationship correspondant. It seems that we
never had one; he was a figment of our
imagination. The nice man in the tie with
the comfy couch that he lets us lay upon
said that's ok though, so we don't mind.
Anyways, since our imaginary competant
male (the nice man said something about
"delusions - obviously not corresponding
to reality", but we insisted that he knew
how to deal with relationships. Then we
got a nice bottle of nice pills and now we
don't talk about knives anymore.) isn't
around for this issue, we have male advice
from a female perspective.
After a series of dreadful relationships, I'm beginning to think that the
whole male sex is full of a) shit b)
more shit. The only things that seem to
dominate their brains are sex, sex, sports,
sex, beer, more beer, more sports and sex.
But then again, I think, is it really, their
fault? YES IT IS. And so, instead of whining about how dumb men are, perhaps a
little education can do them good. And
that, gentleman (oxymoron) is what
inspired the following list of tips when it
comes to relationships.
1) When your girlfriend is going through
PMS, running and hiding from her may
seem like a good solution, but when she
finally sees you, then she really does have a
reason to yell at you. Instead, you should
comfort her and appease her as much as
you can. This way, you'd actually SEEM
like a sensitive and caring individual.
2) Similarly, when she is down and feeling
bummed about that Chem midterm that
she flunked, you should not say: "SHHH!
The almighty Allen Iverson [or insert the
name of your favorite sport star] is speaking" or "To lose the blues, you should lose
the blouse". (I am quoting a line from a certain sitcom) Do, however, cheer her up by,
again, being here for her, give her flowers
or something romantic like that. It is then,
and only then, do you have a possibility of
hitting the hay that night together.
3) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever
compare her to any other chicks that might
be walking by. That is, don't do that if you
count on sex from her ever again.
4) Maybe the next time you feel like being
nice to her, complement her (for once) on
her intelligence or wit and not just on how
she has done a good job outgrowing her
34C to a 34D. (And I hope you CAN appreciate her for more than her body)
5) On the same wavelength, the whole
describing her with numbers thing. So
what if she is 36-23-27 or 20-50-10 or
whatever. Most of us do not like to be identified by numbers. You've hear it all on
those damn annoying insurance company
commercials ("You are not JUST a number"...of course I'm not just a number. I'm
five numbers and you don't give a damn.)
6) Stop drooling over Britney's breast. You
have no chance in hell with her, and
besides, she is TAKEN. (In both sense of
the word.) Besides, she sings,as welj;as;rny
pet hyena. Laughs/giggies/cbjpi^e^.U^jeymy
pet hyena too. ;
7) For those of you computer geeks whose
idea of a Saturday night is a little bit of
input and output with your computer, I'm
sorry, but I don't think I can help you out.
8) Same goes for the Engineers and Artsies. Girls? What girls? The most actions
that you guys will ever see is from Star Trek
or your dog.
Ki//khePi
Ki// the P19
lt> %4 < II...
N W* K&-23L
L 4 11.1(1  III! 114 v h
JEANS for CBNES
f aiiii>tiii!ii <m<l see
wiir fewrlie prof
tllH!i!!!
Win stuff.
Make a difference.
Oh, and win stuff.
www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/survey.html 13 November 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
Hello Kitty Gossip-Scope
Albert Chen
Meow, Purrrrr!
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Sex toys are getting on my nerves. It used
to be that erotic toys were good old clean
fun, but now these things are too dirty even
for me. Take the newest product: the Hello
Kitty dildo. That's right, the cute innocent
kitty next door has grown up (just like Brittany Spears...) Honestly, I don't whether to
laugh or cry, since it's $12.99...still, I have
a problem buying this product for my
twelve-year-old sister, who insists on collecting ALL Hello Kitty products. Man, I
don't know...talking dirty is one thing,
dragging an innocent kitty into sex trade is
another - who would find a white cat
attached to an extremely small plastic
penis a turn-on? It vibrates, too! (See
"Rabbit Pearl" dildo article, last issue (5).
I'm sure there's a Kitten Pearl, -fiend)
That's just plain strange...well, considering
the strange things that have been going on
for the last month, maybe it isn't too
strange at all. Anyway, my advice: stay
away from the sex-trade industry. My
guess is that hello kitty was probably forced
to endorse that particular brand of dildo
after being caught watching some nasty
porno (hey...she is an animal, if you know
what I mean...), so be careful - you don't
want to find out some day that your head is
being attached to a dildo.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
So, many of you want to be doctors...it's
great, except the fact that there are probably at least 2000 of you here at UBC and
there are probably roughly 200 spots each
year.iSt;UBi2's;med:school. Yes, that's the
sole feasbri'why' pre-med students are
labeled as bloodthirsty, flesh-craving,
note-stealing, textbook-cramming, fame-
obsessing, hygiene-lacking students. Or, in
our highly efficient yet beautiful jargon of
the '00s (how do you pronounce that one?
'Zeroes'? 'Naughts'? -fiend), pin heads. So
my advice is clear: just like infant spiders,
eat your peers! Yes, it's both nutritious and
efficient...who knows, maybe you can
invent some delicious way to devour juicy
meat and publish your own recipes, just
like Martha Stewart...wait, I am in deep
trouble already! Her lawyers were obviously not impressed by the last edition (yes,
titled "Martha Stewart Hell-o-Wiener-
Scope"...) so have to stop trashing her, or
else she'll sue my pants off. (Keep them on!
For the sake of humanity, KEEP THEM
ON! -fiend) So, Martha, ready to eat some
pre-med students? Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)
Apology: Yes, I missed some of your prediction two weeks ago, and the whole thing
got ugly...some people threatened to commit suicide and phoned me at 3 AM in the
morning, some of you started to experiment sexually, and some of you got
depressed and started taking Prozac (and
lots and lots of Viagra...hey, when one is
depressed, s/he needs to get up somehow -
no pun intended...) Still, I DID write something for Gemini (yes, I knew how to count,
I remembered to put 12 oracles, since there
are 12 signs...)! I did write a
prediction/trick for Gemini, but for the
strangest reason in the world, Dan and
Lana didn't get it, and it wasn't published!
So, you get two predictions this time!
Here's your prediction from two weeks
ago:
Trick/Treat: Sell/give out girl-guide cookies. (Whether you charge people at this
point doesn't matter at all, considering you
will get their money anyway if you follow
my advice.) Yes, distribute those seemingly
innocent cookies and soon enough, people
will beg you for more! That's when the trick
comes in: ask them for anything - their
expensive watch, car, firstborn (especially
firstborn), and soon enough, you will dominate the world and'build up your own
multi-million dollar empire just like me!
(Oh, yes, "me" refers to Martha Stewart. It
was ALL about Martha last time, remember? Oops, I see Martha's lawyers
approaching...)
Let's see what fate has in store for you
now:
Things might go as well as you imagine,
but that doesn't mean the whole world is
falling apart. God usually closes one window and opens another door, so the same
principle works for you...take the recent
war that is taking place in Afghanistan as
an example. Yes, many innocent civilians
were killed, but many others are getting
rich! Yes, getting rich. Although
Afghanistan consists of steep infertile
mountains, the country is rich in top-notch
ruby and aquamarine deposits (yes, I am
being honest here - talk to your friendly
local gemologists for more details...), and
all the bombing reveals new sources of
gemstones! Wow, can you imagine what
would people do after the war? Seriously,
one large bomb works better than a bulldozer... (what?!? Human lives being sacrificed to the alter of profit in corporations?
No! Never! -fiend)
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Upon the "friendly" request by a well-
known Leo, who is dating a Cancer (yes,
you know who you are...), I have adjusted
the prediction slightly. Watch out for possible signs of misfortune within the next few
weeks - a drastic drop in libido is in store
for you. So be EXTRA NICE to your date
and make sure you buy something VERY
EXPENSIVE for your sweetie...by the way,
as for your health, check possible signs of
cancer, for the all-time lousy joke-prediction could finally come true after being
used tirelessly by millions of fake
astrologers just like me...so check for possible lumps and bumps and mumps...that's
right, constantly touching oneself is the
key...
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
So you didn't go to classes for a
while...well, since you can't turn back time
and attend those lectures (actually, even if
I could turn back time, I doubt that you
would go to those classes, for you don't like
those courses that much...) you might as
well go with what you have and hope you
could do really well during the finals. Just
make sure that you don't need AT LEAST
115% in order to pass...seriously, I have
seen countless friends who vow to do
REALLY GREAT during the final and hope
to get 99% on the exam...guys, dream on.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
As for your prediction: down play your
addiction. Yes, I knpw that not all of you
are addicted to either pot or other nasty
drugs, but I am talking about other
stuff...yes, excessive drinking is an addiction; yes, excessive studying is an addiction! I don't care what the hell your profs
say, it's just not right! So, have a balanced
life and do whatever makes you
happy...exercise, balanced diet, and plastic
surgery! Yes, you should have a great figure
after spending $4324.32...still, no matter
what you do, DONT even try to read your
bill on the bus. I once had the honor/misfortune of sitting next to such a lady - okay,
boob job: $3000, nose job: $2006, liposuction: $iooo...man, I was going to talk to
her, but I left soon afterward, for I couldn't
help but wanting to call her "Cher-double"...so hide your bills!
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
Many wonder why am I so unfriendly with
Libra, for almost all of my predictions for
this sign involve double murder in one way
or another. Yes, I used to date many Libras,
but needless to say, some of you suck.
Some of you make me REALLY angry and
actually make me consider becoming a
monk...so why the hell would I want to give
you my blessing? Think about it. Still, I
could be really nice and honest, full of big
dreams and hopes, but on the other hand, I
won't, for I would be VERY BORING! 'Nuf
said.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Man, politics at UBC are very nasty. First
there is the whole name thing: there's Ryan
(our AIMS rep) and Brian (our Internal
VP); there's Ben (theoretical 432 editor)
and Dan (the actual 432 editor). Still, it's
better than what the engineers are doing. I
thought it would be a great idea to see Reka
(El Presindente) wrestling with Tinka
(President of EUS) until I realized that
Tinka is actually A MAN! I have realized
that making fun of people's names is a bad
practice, but still, have you seen them tanking your execs? Now what the hell was
that? Worse, some stupid ist-year engineers had mistaken me as an exec, since I
write the horoscope column. HELLO!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
The best job in the world: try in a sales rep
for Cartier. The most popular phrases that
you need to say: "No, we don't have anything less than $300.", "Yes, you are poor,
now get out of my store.", "Yes, we are
recession-resistant.", and "Oh, we only
serve the rich people." Plus, you get to eat
chocolate for lunch...Cartier has its own
chocolate, though no official would tell me
the stuff that makes the chocolate so
crunchy (I did notice traces of wings...)
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
If you want someone to slap you, here are
some fail-proof come-ons:
1. Hello, cucumber, can I have your
telephone number?
2. Your father must be a terrorist,
because you are the bomb.
3. I would be your daddy and pay for
your boob job.
Otherwise, live long and prosperous.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
No comment, please wait for two weeks. If
you,think that I am being mean, you are
wrong -1 am actually being kind to you. Do
you know the stupid things that I have
fooled people into thinking? Some people
went out 5 AM to count tjees, some wore
crotchless panties, and some wore mint
condoms to school! So, should I advise you
to do something wacky at my expense?
Think about it. (Actually, I am really running out of space.,.)
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Dear artsies: although the chances of you
reading this highly intelligent paper are
quite slim, I would like to point out that
you shouldn't complain about your term
paper. Yes, most of those assignments consist of 2000 words, so what? Most of the
scientific papers take more effort than
cramming some meaningless phrases. So
why do you whine? Oh, right, you have
nothing better to do. So what if you are a
science student? Show this article to your
artsies fellow students. Really, they are
everywhere, complaining (probably in your
biology class...) constantly that there are
too much homework...uh, guys, you can't
complain if you are actually busy (since you
probably won't have time...) (hell, if you
think your 2000 word term papers are
hard, look at this article -1750 words. If he
can do it, you can do it. -fiend)
Tequila Garden!
November 23@5:00pm
BUCH A200
Brought to you by your friendly MATH CLUB Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
WANTED:
Can you find out on
which date this
comic strip appeared
on sluggy.com?
(Hint: it was in the
last 30 days)
The first person to email the correct date to the432@hotmaii.com
will receive a plethora of science swag. - i; & 13 November 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Nine
Meaterifflc
Miyako Hewett
Scalpel Master
It sucks to be a frog, and for the record it
also sucks to be a rat. Yes, yes it does.
Humans, aside from our imagination
and creativity, are cruel. We poke and prod
anything we want for profit. We hold animals captive, we test them, we trick them,
we antagonize them. But, I am not here to
preach about how cruel we scientists are to
animals- hell, I enjoy my physiology labs.
Last lab, we crammed small mice into jars
supplied with oxygen to measure metabolism. In this week's lab, we removed a muscle and a nerve from a living frog- double
pithed of course. And currently, I am contemplating shoving a bird into a wind tunnel. Ah yes, sweet, sweet science.
Hey! Shut up! As if you are the idealistic
scientist. I'm sure at some point you have
dissected, tortured or killed a live animal.
No, you say. Well you know, cells count as
life too. How many of those have been
flushed down the sink? Not in biology? It
doesn't matter. How many of you have
pets? You see, the thing with pets, is that it
is just as cruel. A caged bird can not fly, a
dog can not join a pack, a housecat can not
stalk, a snake can not slither its way below
the undergrowth- you get the message.
Keep a pet, and you inhibit its freedom- it's
that simple.
Let me tell you a story. A couple years ago,
in my invertebrate zoology lab, I had to kill
a seastar. I was in a group of four, and we
had to do three dissections. Two were pre
served animals. Nobody wanted to do the
seastar because "It's so cruel! We wouldn't
kill a living animal." Please. Tell me how it
is better to dissect a preserved animal? It
was killed for your dissection. How is it
better to watch me kill an animal instead?
Hey, you're reaping the benefits. And here
is one of my personal favorites: "I can't kill
it, 'cause I'm a vegetarian!" Pu-leez, you're
wearing leather!
Leather. Ah, another moral dilemma. I
say, you have no right to complain about
animals being bred for lab purposes if you
are wearing leather. Because, how is being
bred for leather any worse than being bred
for the lab? Exactly, (of course, some say
that leather is fun- and can be conducive to
breeding behaviour)
Hey, wanna go even farther? Like animals? against cruelty? Well stop driving
your car! Petroleum comes from dead animals. Yes it does! You see when marine
animals die, they sink to the bottom of the
sea and subsequently are covered with sediment. After millions of years, they become
oil. At least that's the brief, undetailed
explanation. And what do we do? We drill
'em up and power our cars. And if that's not
bad enough, our lovely vehicles poison
other animals' environment- even as far as
the little lake down the valley . Our roads
invade species habitat, and all that soap
and wax we use on our cars end up in their
environment. Yup, there's no escaping it.
We are humans, and nomatter what we do,
it results in us being cruel to animals.
Every single one of us.
So what, can we do?
Fucked if I know.
(BWs Meet the (Prof's
Information Session
Having doubts about the future? Wanna know how to Be
successfufas a student in Biochemistry, pharmacology, and
physiobgy? We'([giveyou a chance to hoohjxp with the
r^ecl^yrofessorsl ttisisanevrntOfOVdon'twanmrmss!
When: Nov. 14,3pm-4:00pm
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$ifornon members and absolutely FREE for members!!
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal
shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's
just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about
it." -George W. Bush, May 14, 2001
Rock my World
Wade Carmichael
somuchspaaam@hotmail.com
Well, my midterms are almost over,
so I'm back writing for the 432,
hoping that my budding career in
journalism pans out, because I sure as hell
don't have a future in Chemistry. Or any
other science, if my electives are anything
to go by. At this rate, I'll have to go into
engineering or something. I can't cope.
As a reward for studying so hard and still
getting lousy grades, I let myself be taken
out to a Tori Amos concert this weekend.
So instead of my usual stuff, I thought I'd
take a minute to tell you why you should be
a fan of Tori Amos, and then maybe tag on
a quick bit of science news or some money
thing or whatever.
First I have to tell you about my extremely cool friend, whose real name we cannot
use - so let's call her Jenners. I have to tell
you about Jenners because this whole story
revolves around how cool Jenners is. You
see, I'm a fan - no, wait, that's wrong, I like
Tori Amos, But... well, you know. I'm a lazy
ass.
Jenners has everything by Tori Amos. Of
course, this is to be expected, because
when Jenners is interested in something,
she does something about it, unlike me. So
when the strange little girls' tour was
announced, jenners got online and ordered
tickets through some fansite before the
concert in Vancouver was even announced.
You would think this was a good thing.
Lesson Number One: don't trust online
ticket sellers, even if they are on fan sites.
So jenners got two tickets to go and see
Tori, and then her boyfriend - we can't use
his name either, so let's just call him Kilometres - Kilometres apparently doesn't like
Tori Amos, so my girlfriend and I were
offerred the spare ticket, which sort of had
the same effect as the One Ring in that
Tolkien story on our relationship. So, anyway, I get to wash the dishes an awful lot
next month, but I also get the ticket. And I
turn up all nice and shiny and off we go.
Lesson number two: Those people all
hanging around outside the theatre, they
are really in line, dumbass.
So we wandered around for a bit before we
actually asked these people what they were
doing, and then they showed us their tickets and said they were standing in line, and
suddenly I realised that I was a total fucking moron. I suspect Jenners had already
worked this out and was wondering what
the hell I was up to, but she was very nice
about it and we went and stood in line and
it was just like being in the bookstore in
September, only colder.
Lesson number three: Those assholes will
start the show without you.
And they did. We got inside and the opening act, Rufus Wainwright, was already
playing. And he was good, too. Bummer. So
we went and hung out in the right line and
we sort of got over being late even though
we were early and we lined up and waited
for the usher, who was obviously an ex
navy seal that had had a sex change and
been melded with one of the more viscious
species of librarian in some bizzarre horrific experiment. We stood there, all dewy
eyed and hopeful and happy to be finally
seeing the show. She bundled up to us like
a hedgehog on steroids. She flashed the
torch somewhere near us and said "those
tickets are for upsatirs". To which Jenners,
obviously shocked, says "you're kidding"
To which the ferret-woman deadpans,
quickly, "No, I'm not kidding" and shoves
us out.
Lesson number One (again): those online
people are Bastards. Don't trust 'em.
So we went upstairs, and we took our
seats, and they were still really good seats
so after the initial shock wore off we were
happy. Oh, yeah, and then the crazy
woman showed up. There should probably
be a lesson here, but instead I just have a
message: if you were the woman that
pushed in and bagged the seat next to me,
you are an asshole. That's all.
The show was, like, just fucking incredible. It started out with something called '97
bonnie and clyde', which Jenners tells me
is a cover of an eminem song. I have to confess that I don't listen to eminem. But I was
terrified. It felt like this six year old kid,
daughter I think, I felt this kind of nursery-
school nightmare type feeling. And then
there was this blur of really amazing songs.
And she played 'Space Dog', which if you
haven't heard it is a really really great song.
Oh, and then she played 'rattlesnakes',
which I did recognise was a cover of a Lloyd
Cole song. And she Played two Pianos at
once, actually she played a piano and a keyboard at once, which Jenners says she did
at her last concert before and to me seemed
pretty freakin cool. And I'd say more, but it
would get all... goopy.
So, to sum up: The Orpheum is full of Bastards. People who sell tickets over the
internet are evil ferret people. If Tori Amos
happens to be playing a concert anywhere
on earth it is definitely worth it to buy tickets and to go, even if you have to travel by
yak overland for one and a half days. Or sell
your grandmother. Or something. Some
other stuff about lines and stupid people.
And lastly, cool friends who buy tickets
from the evil ferret people are, well,
extremely cool.
Thanks again, Jenners. In case you missed
that.
Okay, so final exams are starting to get
pretty scary looking, so it's time to think
about something else. Dan said something
about this being a sex issue, but I find it
hard to think about sex when it's raining.
I'm actually reading this article on my
other screen about pigs, but I don't think
that would work somehow. I'm really not
sure what kind of comment can be made on
the fashions of pig breeding. Maybe I'll tell
you next week if anything shows up.
Classifieds
For Sale: el nino.
For Sale: Terrestrial Troposphere
Decide the fate of the worlds weather.
Control the topmost layer of the
Cause international devastation.
atmosphere! Be the envy of other
Only used by little old lady once
major element owners. Control all
every 4 to 12 years.
access to outer space; ripe for toll
$100 million O.B.O.
development.
gaia@earth.org
$325 million firm
gaia@earth.org
For Sale: Pacific Ocean.
Exclusive rights to the worlds largest
For Sale: Ozone Layer (used)
water body.
Very good condition, only a few minor
Sufficient resources to power the
holes. Some small thinning, but just
world economy for generations.
near the poles.
99% untouched.
$79 million O.B.O
$500 million O.BO.
gaia@earth.org
gaia@earth.org
Wanted: One cheap lawyer.
gaia@earth.org Page Ten
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
Create-a-Club
Outta This World
Jordana Laporte
Go/n' her own way
Are you sick of club fees? Stupid people in
your club? Having no power? Well then
screw them all and follow the best piece of
advice you will ever receive (except maybe
for the time your mom told you not to lick
the fence in the winter, or anytime for that
matter, and you did and your tongue still
hurts and you talk "yike dis" - yeah, that
was the BEST advice).
But you should really follow this. Okay
here it goes ... make your own club! That's
right, no fees, no stupid people (unless of
course you are stupid), and all the power
our little UBC world could give! I'm speaking from experience, of course, I am in the
"Jordana's Cycling Club for a Better
World". The world is not better yet, and the
club hasn't done much cycling yet either..
. but so far I can't complain. I am the president and I make the selection of club
members very particular. Basically, if
you're not me, too bad, so sad. Our first
excursion was a huge circle, from Totem
Park to the Oakridge Mall to a candy store
on 4th. Yep, it was a long trek, some lazy
members in the back complained the
whole way, but we made it eventually. Fortunately time, was not a factor, my friend,
because when you have your own club you
make your own rules. Say you made a rule
that your club would go trick-or-treating
every other night of the week in an attempt
to get free candy year round, the whole
club would to do it.
You're intrigued? Here's a little guide to
create your own fun, just as I have.
Making Your Own Club For Dummies or People Who Have Little to
No Imagination
t.. Determine what kind of club you want
to be in, some suggestions: "The Sleeping
Club", "The Too Cool for Clubs Club" or
"The Hit a New Bar Every Night Society".
2.. Elect a President. This should be easy;
if you don't know why, maybe you should
reread this article.
3.. Pick a meeting time, one at your own
convenience would be preferable.
4.. Come up with a slogan to entice newcomers just so you can shut them: down
when they try to join. If a slogan is too easy,
try a song or interpretative dance".
5.. Advertise. Banners and/or flags would
kick ass.
6.. Find a sponsor. Mom and Dad should
do, depending on the name of your club -
step one becomes crucial here as you can
see.
7.. Use your club for an excuse to get-out
of useless work. (ie. "Sorry can't make it to
study group tonight I have an important
"Sit On My Ass Club" meeting)
8.. Put your club on your resume. You can
also exchange steps one and seven, to suit
your resume needs.
9.. Have a club dinner off campus (every
night, if it suits your fancy). Club anniversary parties are good too.
10.. If your club is in the mood, actually
do what the club was designed for. But
don't rash it, some people might not agree
with the pace if it's an athletic-type club
like mine. We have this one bitch, who
complains all the time!
So, there you go, a 10-step, easy process
for making your own fun (and money if you
work it right). Next time "AMS Clubs Dayz"
rolls around just say, "The hell with that,
my club rocks!" It might be fun to set up a
booth too if your club has proper funding.
It'll give you a chance to practice that club
interpretative dance. Yeah, that'd be fun.
I would love, personally, to have an
autoerotic asphyxiation club. Sadly, the
'AMS denied me club status. Ah, well.
-fiend
Jo Krack
talkin to teens
Since this is issue sex— er, six, I
thought I'd do something completely
out of character and not mention anything even remotely sexual in my article.
But that proved more difficult than I
thought, because I just could not bring
myself to shirk my sexpert duties by not
telling my faithful readers all about the
Space Explorer vibe! It's the one I recommend to anyone: those starting out, those
wanting to impress (or get) girlfriends, and
those that should really be making money
online.
The Space Explorer comes in cheesy packaging (threw mine out long ago but I think
there's a blond in a silver "space age" bikini or something) but don't let stupid marketers (who seem to think only men buy
vibes!) deter you. It's a "bullet" vibe, which
means it's small and not really for penetration (although you can be creative). It's silver (00, futuristic!) and instead of conventional bullet vibes, which have a dial on the
controller and call themselves "multi-
speed," this one has different pulse settings. I think there are about six. The first
is a slow, gentle steady vibration, then a
slow pulse, then two faster pulses, and
finally some fast and even faster vibrating
action. This all adds up to one big yum (or
several).
Christmas is coming up, so check it OUt
online at www.intimateattitudes.com; I
think it's about $40. The only reason I'm
plugging this brand is because as a consumer, that's what I've personally tested —
I really can't speak for Space Explorer imitators. You can email me at gim-
mekrack@hotmail.com if you want my
opinions on their other products — I'm not
afraid to tell you to save your money in
some cases! (Waterproof minivibe? Total
ripoff.)
OK, enough about sex... for now. What I
really want to write about this issue is
teenage fashion. Oh wait, I guess that ties
into sex too! Since when did porn become
so mainstream? I go downtown and the
only way I can tell the hookers from the
high school girls is by the fact that high
school girls tend to clump together in
groups and look slightly less strung-out.
One of the last fads is to wear extreme low-
rise jeans with a thong sticking out. If I see
any more of that, I'm distributing wedgies
to all offenders! (I'm not against thongs per
se, it's just that sticking out of pants on
purpose? Harsh cheap!) I'd have to say private school uniforms are the worst. Have
the school principals not watched any porn
lately? Are they aware that they are forcing-
their students to dress in a manner that
instantly reminds the average man of
"Barely Legal Co-eds II"?
It's not that I'm against women using and
displaying their bodies in any way they
choose. The problem I have with teen girl
fashion is that the majority of these girls do
not understand what they're wearing. Sure,
they know it makes guys look at them, and
maybe they'll be popular, and people will
like them... but they don't know why the
guys who hit on them rarely seem interested in anything .further than a few choice
body parts. These are the girls who spends
hours doing YM and Cosmo quizzes, trying
desperately to figure out "does he have a
crush on me?", while the very boys they
fantasize about holding hands with are
jerking off to fantasies of fucking them.
Love. Fucking. It's hard enough for adults
to figure all this out, but leaving it up to
high school kids?
These girls have also been fed with so
many Hollywood movies and other propaganda that they're convinced that if they
show enough of their bodies, they will gain
full control over men. They learn the hard
way that it's very easy to get a man to have
sex with you (in most cases, just ask), but a
lot harder to make him love you and treat
you like a girlfriend ("I need my space"). I
really feel very sorry for the sixteen year
old who is humped'n'dumped, especially
when the girl that her "boyfriend" goes for
next looks basically exactly like her.
So if I could go into high schools and do
sex ed, I'd take all those young girls aside.
I'd begin with "I know you all want
boyfriends" and then I'd introduce them to
the Space Explorer and assign masturbation homework. I'd teach them to look at
themselves and find out who they are, then
express it in their wardrobe, rather than
allowing their wardrobes to shape them
into who they're not. I'd encourage them to
see boys as friends, as lovers* and not as
cute accessories that every girl must have.
I'd teach them about sex, birth control, and
issues that come up in a relationship when
you become sexually active. I'd encourage
them to read The Joy of Sex (very good
book - the original is a little dated-funny
hairdos in the pics can be distracting - but
excellent nonetheless -fiend) and to be safe.
Most of all, I would teach them not to let
guys determine whether they were hot or
not — there's someone out there for everyone, so why bother trying to be the someone that Mr. Wrong wants?
But I'm sure church groups would have
something to say about my brand of education. Telling teen girls that rather than act
like sex objects they should understand sex
& sexual politics, love, and their bodies...
that's dangerous! So I suppose for now I'll
go around distributing thong wedgies, and
perhaps I'll throw in a Space Explorer here
and there... ;-::.,■.-,,-.-- „;   W
Feel free to comment on this article:: whine
togimmekrack@hotmail.com
THE. FARMING LOT 15 fULL
by   Jack   MeLar e'n   and   PafSpacek
http://www.plif ..com
AH their tratgic kingdoms
are burning." 13 November 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Eleven
The Gold-Gilded Drawers of SUS
Finance
May Tee
First of all, to all the engineers that
tanked me a couple of weeks ago—I'll
get you all back one of these days.
Scientists of the world, unite! (Wow, that
sounds kind of Marxist...)
Anyways, Budget Committee had it's second meeting on Tuesday November 6th.
We had some great discussions regarding
allocation of funds to Science clubs based
on membership, conferences (hosting and
attending), and need. Once everything has
been finalized and approved by SUS Council, I will post a report of total club grants in
the SUS Office.
Otherwise, that's all that's happening in
the wonderful world of SUS finances.
Please feel free to contact me if you really
enjoy accounting and would like to help me
audit the accounts :) Have a great week
everyone, and happy spending.
VP Internal
Brian Maclean
The First Year Committee did a great
job on their Halloween First Year
Dance. They're a talented, dynamic
group and I think all of us who came had a
great time. Any first years who would like
to join this dynamic team are welcome to
come to FYC meetings at 5:15 in room 202
of the Klink Building. Also, I believe there
are still spaces on the First Year Committee
Ski Trip, Friday, Jan 18th to Sunday, Jan
20th, at Apex in Penticton. It's only $185
per person and covers transportation,
accommodations, and lift passes. It
promises to be a lot of fun. You can sign up
by contacting Richard, the ski trip coordinator, at richardwong2000@yahoo.com.
The Academic Committee has drafted
guidelines and criteria for two new SUS
awards/scholarships. We discussed the
pros and cons of bolstering the science coverage of the AMS exam database. We
decided to consult with the various Science
clubs before proceeding further. We also
discussed soon to be implemented course
reaccreditation and the possibility of holding a referendum to increase science fees.
The committee was divided on both these
issues and we felt that we would like to
hear what everyone else thinks. To that
end, we would like to bring up both items
for discussion at next week's council meeting. Please note that everyone is welcome
to come and and speak on, these issues.
Council will meet next Thursday from 1:00
pm to 2:00 pm in Council Chambers (room
206) on the second floor of the SUB. We
would also welcome anyone who wanted to
join the Academic Committee. Our next
meeting will be next Thursday, Nov 15th, at
5:00 pm in room 202 of the Klink Building.
Come, make a difference.
Sports Rep
Kristen Lyons
Well, it's almost the end of term, all
that work and effort, and what do
you get for it but another 15 credits toward your degree, how depressing is
that! On that note, I would like to mention
that one could become less depressed by
school by participating in sports. Registration for term two leagues opens Tuesday
November 13, and close Friday January 11.
There will be sign up sheets for every intramural event on the sports board in SUS,
and a singles sign up list is found on the
intramurals website at www.lega-
cygames.ubc.ca. I myself played intramural soccer this term where I touched the ball
SoCo
Katherine Scotton
Well it's official, folks! Jello Shooters sell really well. Sh*t Happens
in November went ok, except for
an unfortunate incedent with our SUS
stereo speakers. Lots of people ate a lot of
jello. A couple girls left after returning
about 10 little empty jello cups each. They
quite liked them. I've never made 12 L of
jello before, it was quite interesting. I used
a big 12 L soup pot and a lot of tupperware
to put it all in after.
SUS has a few events planned for next
term. It looks to be quite promising. I don't
have a definite performer for Cold Fusion
yet, but It looks good, and I should know in
the next couple of days. If you want to hear
what's going on early, send me a line.
We have a welcome back event planned
for January 10th, that's a Thursday, in the
Partyroom of the SUB! This event is going
to be a little classier than our usual events.
We will be having cocktails or something
like that, and some jazzy music and maybe
some improv.... This event will be called...
Ethanol
Remeber, you can still join my social committee and help out with events.
-Kat (kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca)
President
Reka Sztopa
Hello, my children. The time is at
hand. Take to arms. Do not go
peacefully into that good night. We
must rebel against the oppressors and
make them rue the day that they chose to
rule us with that cold cruel iron fist! Fight
if not for yourselves, for your children and
your children's children. Let not this suffering continue. We must make them see
the error of their ways and not relent until
our demands are met and our liberty granted. We will fight them on the waters. We
will fight them over land and in the air. We
will not be silenced because our voices are
too loud together to be drowned out by
their comands and propaganda. Rise up
together and we shall not be defeated. Your
deaths will not be in vain because we will
keep fighting until victory is ours! This
time UBC has gone to far!!!
Stand up tall and. proud with me, and
exclaim, "I refuse to buy Coca-Cola,
because it tastes bad!"
VP External
Michael Groves
A big thanks to those who voted in the
AMS  referendum.  Your  input  is
important    in    determining    the
actions the society will take.
Senator
Tim Chan
Once.again, I'm too busy with my
favorite pastime - hunting the wild
artsie - to write anything important.
Go out and play in the sun, if it's ever out.
Fiend
Dan Anderson
If the bastards are going to give me a
title like "the Fiend of SUS" then I'm
damn well going to take advantage of it.
And if they're then going to tell me that I
can't put editorial comments in their exec
reports, then I'll damn well find a way
around it.
Long and the short of it: Reka is a hedonist, Kat is a drunk, Mike stands on his
head; Corrie is Corrie, Tommy is a spy from
Santa, Kristen carries two blades on her.
shoes, Brian was a Masked Hero, May
embezzles, Ben was kidnapped 4 months
ago, and I'm the meanest moron around.
This year give hos, the gift that keeps on giving!
three times and let about thirty goals into
my own net. Ah well, it was all in good fun,
and for those of you who don't think you're
good enough to join an intramural team,
just come watch me play soccer and you'll
be joining that team in no time. Also, for
those of you who played sports this term on
a science team, you get rebates toward the
intramural fees you paid. To get a rebate,
hand in your team roster, the intramural
receipt, and the name, email address, and
phone number of who I am writing the
rebate to. You can hand all this information
into my box in SUS (Klinck 202). The
deadline for this is Friday November
23 at 12pm with NO EXCEPTIONS!
Just make sure that you were a science
team, and you will get money from me (and
maybe more if you're lucky)!
PRO
Tommy Gerschman
The first charity event of the year is in
the final stages of planning. This
event will be known as "Kiss-the-Pig"
where, you, the Science students of UBC,
donate money to a great cause to see your
favorite prof pucker up for the pork! What
is this great cause you ask? No, it's not to
see your prof kiss the swine, but it is to
raise money for the "Jeans for Genes" day
campaign being organized by the Canadian
Genetic Diseases Network in the fight
against various genetic diseases. See keep
your lips sealed and eyes open for more
info. On another note, we still need a graduating Biology (both Botany and Zoology)
and Physiology representative for this
year's Class Act campaign. If you are interested in this and/or in joining the PR committee please contact me.
Sexretary
Corrie Baldwin
Not too much to report this week. I'm
having some diffuculty writing this
because the handcuffs really chafe
when I'm typing, so this will be short.
All the minutes for SUS council can be
found on our website at
www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/society/docu-
ments.html.
Last week, it was determined that Sameer
and I would go to the AMS wine and cheese
together, and that he would buy me $100
worth of clothes first. I'm torn between
some sexy lingerie - there's some crotchless
panties that are just crying out for me to
get them - or more leather. One can never
have enough leather, after all.
In other news, I'm still looking for more
men and women to fill my weekday nights;
I still have Tuesday and Wednesday free if
anyone out there doesn't mind getting a
sore-arm^J'm^jletermined to find a lucky
girl or guy to help in^e"sT^ay"biochem by
spanking me or tightening my nipple
clamps every time I get a question wrong.
And I might just get a couple of them
wrong on purpose...
-Andy Martin
UBC Group Directed Seminar Course
An Investigation Into
Integrative, Complementary,
and Alternative Medicine
Pharmacy 450 (3 credits) • Offered Term il
This course will offer students a scientific, critical, and
balanced look at various aspects of Integrative, complementary, and Alternative Medicine (ICAM). Through guest
lectures, films and student presentations and discussions,
participants will acquire the ability to critically evaluate and
analyze scientific data, particularly related to ICAM, and
explore the concept of integrating Western and Eastern
medicine. Enrolment for the course is limited to students
third year and above.
Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
For further information, please contact course co-directors:
Liana Hwang (liana@interchange.ubc.ca)
Ryan Morasiewicz (ryanmor(2)inferchange.ubc.ca) Page Twelve
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
13 November 2001
You Say It's Your Birthday
W'V
Jay Garcia
** ^ Two Thirteens
So, there I was, sitting in the SUS
office, late on a holiday Monday
night, thinking to myself that maybe,
just this once, I'd managed to dodge the
bullet. I mean, seven years working on this
paper, and you learn to fear The Deadline;
that gut-churning, slightly hollow feeling in
the pit of your duodenum that says "The
paper's not done! Your writers have cancelled on you! Your artists have quit!
They've come and spat on your keyboard,
defecated on your printer, torn up your
flats, and run off laughing with your
spunky assistant editor! Worst of all, you're
going to have to generate more content
before it goes to the printers! And you're
out of Doctor Pepper!"
Even for an ex-editor, this surely would be
hell. And we ex-editors are not easily
scared, for we are made of stern stuff. We
survived the hideous Two More Unforeseen Pages of Content, Science Week debacle. We survived the trepidations of fiscally
dangerous Directors of Finance with our
budgets intact. We even survived the loss
of our assistant / co-editors to the wilds of
the North Sea (despite the lonely weekends, the constant privation, the over-heated and cramped lounge). Yea, death hath
no fears for an ex-editor; it would only be a
release from the pressure. Mistakenly, I
thought that even abdicating responsibility
of this here rag to Dan and Lana would end
the fear, and, to some extent, it has.
But to an ex-editor the smell of newsprint,
toner cartridges and spray glue can cause
post-traumatic, stress-induced flashbacks;
and, like a fart in a sofa cushion, it never
leaves, and can only be suppressed with
distance and time and lots of proscribed
pharmaceuticals, preferably purchased
from an affable yet intimidating man in
Pigeon Park.
So when I wandered into the office and
Dan was actually smiling, and not pulling
out his hair or ranting or screaming, I
thought, I'd apprehended, that maybe, just
this once, this pub weekend would be a
simple in-and-out procedure. I mean, I
drove in from my apartment in the 'ditch to
help out with the ads and do some light
graphics-work; Dan and Lana having,
apparently, done a bang-up job on filling in
the rest of the paper with mirth and hilarity, so I figured, since I couldn't scent the
smell of stress in the Pub Office, that all
was well with the world.
I was most of the way through the design
of the back page graphic (known in the biz
as the "lead-out" or the "closing catcher",
and is used primarily to communicate
information that needs a guaranteed number of views so that it's message isn't wasted like so much spilt alcohol at an AMS
outdoors party) when I commented to Dan
"Gee, that back page looks a bit blank.
Have you placed Andy's article yet? I mean,
the man's as voluble as an encyclopedia, as
faithful as a Yellowstone geyser, and as
funny as a monkey hopped up on amphetamines".
To which Dan replied "I'm sorry, old bean,
Andy's article's near the front; half the back
page was for the Science Info Mailing List;
another quarter of it is for the Science
Council contact list. I figured that I would
be able to find and fill a quarter page of
hilarious, quality content; perhaps something topical, like the unnerving tendency
of passenger aircraft to experience unfortunate explosions over New York."
"Um, Dan, the half-page ad that I just finished combines both of those info adverts.
You're going to have to fill that half-page
with a full article."
"Marvelous of you to volunteer, old bean!"
I cursed his duplicity even as I admired
the ease at which he had managed to execute such an underhanded maneuver; it
brought tears to my eyes, as he had obviously been paying attention to my lessons
in cunning editorship. It was a move I
myself would have pulled in times past; the
boy reminded me of myself. (I don't know
whether I should be flattered or if I should
start fortifying my home against the nice
young men in clean white coats, -fiend)
Granted, a taller, skinnier, more Caucasian
and slightly more fluorescent version of
myself, but the essential ingredients of
sheer psychosis, indefatigable attachment
to this paper, and a sense of humour so
skewed that it would have impressed a
trapezoid with it's angles remained the
same; the sterling qualities of editors from
MeCuaig on down.
Nevertheless, the task of filling some one
thousand to twelve hundred words with
quality humour remained a daunting task;
and the old specter of the Deadline loomed
large yet again.
The unfortunate thing, though, about the
month of November remains in it's uncompromising ability to be terribly unexciting.
All the fun fall stuff has already occurred,
and therefore no longer timely, topical, or
humorous. The concept of midterms as a
source of much jocularity could be
explored, but only if one has a morbid
sense of humour (I mean, who makes fun
of students struggling over incomprehensible, arcane information? Spending their
brief and miserable academic lives in a
paroxysm of research and fear as they
trudge from class to library to class, writing
papers and taking tests. I swear, one would
need to have a very dark view of the human
condition, and specifically the university
experience to even make fun of these poor
Check out the new
EUNDERGRAD
benighted, lost souls. Suckers.)
The only thing really saving this month
from utter and complete boredom are the
sheer number of birthday parties that I'll
be attending (not to mention the anniversary of my own nativity lies in this period).
There seem to be a staggering number of
people in my local group who have birthdays in this cold, dark month. My best
friend's best friend shares my birth-date.
As does my cousin. But for a few hours, my
other wacko best friend (shout-out to the
North Sea, Jon!) would share the same
natal date with me. Both of my parents
have birthdays within a week (give or take
one day) of mine. Then again, doing a
quick mental backtrack some nine months
finds enough appropriate amorously-related holidays to guarantee this unusual end-
of-the year fecundity. And November parties are almost always a-rockin'; people
seem to need less excuse to cut out and
jam. November gifts seem a bit on the frugal side though, due to the aforementioned
proliferation of other birthdays. However,
the gifts tend to be better-thought-out,
more creative, and usually pretty damn
funny — something to do with the sentiment of "it's the thought that counts",
although I think that personally, this was
made up by the same people who mutter
"blessed are the meek", complain that "history is written by the winners" and tend to
yell things like "save the black-bellied rainforest whale!"
So, if you want to give me something nice
and inexpensive for my birthday, just come
to SUS in a week Tuesday, find the sharp-
dressed guy and tell him thatthere no such
things as deadlines.
Actually, he would probably prefer it if y oil
showed up and told him that you were there to be
his minion. His plans to. control the \yprid are
taking longer than he expected; he might be 27 by
the time they succeed:
,,-'"   -fiend
__ in
i^K*^/..
Want to know what's going on
Interested in SUS news? Events? Contests? Club info? Science Lectures?
Want to get involved?
Sign up for the new sus-info mailing list! 	
ernaW: majordomo@interchange.ubua
in the message body, include the text: subscribe sus-info
1 {SCIENCE COUNCIL 20
51-2002
NAME
POSITION
EMAIL ADDRESS
EXECUTIVE
President
rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca
Reka Sztopa
Brian MacLean
Internal VP
brianmac@interchange.ubc.ca
Michael Groves
External VP
mngroves@interchange.ubc.ca
Corrie Baldwin
Secretary
corrie_baldwin@hotmail .com
May Tee
D of Finance
mctee@interchange.ubc.ca
Ben Warrington
D of Publications
benjawar@interchange.ubc.ca
Kristin Lyons
Sports Rep
kristin_lyons@hotmail.com
Tommy Gerschman
Public Relations Officer
tommydg@interchange.ubc.ca
Katharine Scotton
Social Coordinator
kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca
Timothy Chan
Science Senator
ndestrukt@msn.com
OTHER
Science Sales Manager
cptalan@shaw.ca
Alan Warkentin
Lana Rupp/Dan Anderson
Editor of the 432
l_rupp@hotmail.com/psycho„dan@hotmail.com
YEAR/DEPARTMENT R
EPS
jytlam@interchange.ubc.ca   ,
Juliana Lam
General Officer
Theresa Liao
General Officer
theresaliao@hotmail.com
Matt Smith
General Officer
matt_smith42@hotmail.com
Alan Warkentin
General Officer
cptalan@shaw.ca
Annes Song
First year rep
annesl 202@hotmail.com
Dan Yokom
First year rep
dwyokom@hotmail.com
Andrew Thamboo
Science One rep
andrewth83@hotmail.com
Hedy Lam
Coordinated Science rep
hedy_11 ©hotmail.com
Janel Casey
Biochemistry rep
jbcasey@interchange.ubc.ca
Sameer Wahid
Biology rep
wahid@interchange.ubc.ca
Christopher Zappavigna
Chemistry rep
cjzappav@interchange.iibc.ca
James Dai
Computer Science rep
jamdai@interchange.ubc.ca
Kenneth Kwok
Earth&Ocean Sciences rep
kennetkL@interchange.ubc.ca
Dan Anderson
General Science rep
psycho_dan@hotmail.com
Greg Amos
Geography rep
gamos@interchange.ubc.ca
Arezoo Astanehe
Integrated Science rep
astanehe@interchange.ubc.ca
Jason Chuang
Math & Stats rep
jchuang@pobox.com
Ken Kaila
Microbiology rep
k1kaila@hotmail.com
Rajesh Pachchigar
Pharm & Physiology rep
rajesh_pachchigar@yahoo.com
Suresh Sivanandam
Physics & Astronomy rep
sureshs@ihterchange.ubc.ca
Albert Chen
Psychology rep
czarvorite@yahoo.com
CLUB REPS
AIMS rep
ryanmor@interchange.ubc.ca
Ryan Morasiewicz
Adrienne Lee
Biosoc club rep
afunk17@hotmail.com
Ted Lai
BPP club rep
twl@interchange.ubc.ca
Justin Hsu
Chem club rep
justinhsu@softhome.net
Jeremy Moses
CSSS club rep
madscience@mac.com
Benjamin VandenBerg
Dawson club rep
fiyingdutchmanbrewing@hotmail.com
?
Geography Students
(gsa@beer.com)
Aaron Baxter
Integrated Sciences
baxterboys@bc.sympatico.ca
Tien Yin yau
Math club rep
calfaile@hotmail.com
Warren Cheung
MISA club rep
wac@email.com
Travis Beals
Physsoc club rep
trbeals@interchange.ubc.ca               ;
Geoff Wan
Pre-Dental club
geoffwan@yahoo.com
Kraig Montalbeti
Pre-Medical club rep
kraig@interchange. ubc.ca
Sharon Lee
Pre-Optometry club rep
sharlee@interchange.ubc.ca
Maria Dranfield
PSA club rep
stellar_chatter@hotmail.com
Kate Potter
SOS club rep
katiejanel 9@hotmail.com
Susie Nouch
STORM club rep
s_nouch@hotmail.com

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