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The 432 Jan 6, 2004

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 VOLUME SEVENTEEN ISSUE FIVE
06 January 2004
'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I'm gonna kick your ass/
-Honk Hill
Granny Set to Take on Black Holes
Live Webcam Available on the Internet
ttnn1'
b
(Associated Press, Houston)
lhe White Light Brigade vs. The
Black Holes" might sound like a
high school band contest, but the
confrontation is real and set to take place
this week in outer space. A Texan grandmother has assembled an army of her followers to take on black holes and "tear
them all a new wormhole".
Betty-Sue Sparks, a 67-year old retired
executive assistant and avid golfer, says
she first became aware of the threat posed
by black holes when watching the Discovery Network program "Mysteries of Space"
last month.
Physicists and astronomers alike are
unsure how black holes are created and
destroyed. What they do know is that a
black hole is a collapsed star with such
great density that everything in the vicinity is sucked in. Not even light can escape.
Until recently, the implications of black
holes have been more of a philosophical
question than a practical one. For Ms.
Sparks, however, it is a matter of the
utmost urgency. "Wake up and smell the
coffee, folks!" she urged at a press conference Friday. "Black holes are at work all the
time - they don't even stop to sleep. And
you know what's worse? The more they
swallow up, the denser they get! Even an
expanding universe can't withstand being
gobbled up from the inside. Mark my
words: if we don't take decisive action,
darkness will be at our doorstep any day
now."
Ms. Sparks' campaign to "give the forces
of cosmic darkness a smack upside the
head" has come a long way since its humble beginnings as a sign on her lawn just
two weeks ago. The rented billboard read
simply: "You qualify to save the universe!"
and listed her phone number. No sooner
was the sign erected than Ms. Sparks' telephone line was swamped with callers.
Today, "Operation Universal Freedom
From Implosion" (OUFFI) has hundreds of
followers worldwide, a website and a 24-
hour call centre.
Members of the White Light Brigade are
notoriously tight-lipped when it comes to
revealing details of their mission to non-
initiates. Nonetheless, a spokeswoman's
comments at Friday's press conference
may suggest that the movement is preparing to attack black holes via astral travel:
"Your physical body might get fat, but
your spirit has no mass and gives off no
light. That means your astral body is
immune to black holes! Every soul in the
W.L.B. is a soldier against the forces of
darkness and infinite density."
When asked to comment on any immediate danger posed by black holes, Havard
physics professor Craig Shaduk replied,
"God, don't ask me. Years of study and
copious hallucinogen use have, sadly, not
sufficed to answer this complex and difficult question. Are you looking at me
funny?"
Meanwhile, back in Texas, Betty-Sue
Sparks continues to assemble the ranks of
the White Light Brigade. "We blast off
within the week," she says, "but new
recruits are still welcome. Anyone who
hears about the mission is predestined to
join us."
UBC Housing Lottery
Not as Expected
'Shower' Prize Raises Eyebrows, Death Toll
Freshman who "win" next year's housing
lottery will be served in a variety of appetizing dishes featured by UBC food services, including "Froshimi," "Jillbalaya,"
"Keener Kutlets," and "Frank and beans."
(Vancouver, Reuters)
In a press conference today, UBC President Martha "Bushy" Piper unveiled a
bold new plan to address both the first
year housing crisis and the looming danger of global overpopulation.
"Next year's housing lottery will not only
provide incoming freshman with a final
housing solution, but it will also present
our cash-strapped food services with a
viable alternative to BSE-infected beef,"
said Piper, audibly smacking her lips.
UBC Housing's plans call for $2 million in
additional funds for the hoses and grated
kill floors to be installed in the basements
of the Totem Park and Place Vanier houses, complementing the new "bathing"
facilities.
"At first I thought we were getting new
community showers," said freshman Tina
Anderson, "but all I got was this weird
hissing noise when I cranked the handle."
Faculty combo meals will also be available
with fries and a soft drink accompanying
"SUSkabob's," "Poli-Sci Stir Fry," and
"Geer-os." Trek Express will continue to
serve Rice-bowls.
With the closure of several fraternity
houses at UBC, the Greek societies will
also be included in the new housing program, with Trekkers menu additions
including "Fratwurst" and "Sorority
Tarts."
The new housing plan has already drawn
much criticism from Amnesty International and for some reason the Women's Student Center. However, President Piper has
insisted that all questions and concerns
regarding the housing initiative be directed to her new assistant "Clarice."
Take Back the Night March
Taken by the Night
In an event described by survivors as a
tragedy of epic proportions, 113 members of the annual "Take Back the
Night" march fell victim to the Night.
Event organizers were at a lost to explain
the sudden vengeance of the Night, as it
had placidly yielded to previous marches.
Virginia Wolfstein, president of the
Women's Marches Society, offered the following explanation: "For years, feminists
have taken back the night to raise awareness of violence against women. Since
1978, our marches have empowered
women across the world to break their
silence and fight for their right to walk the
streets at night without fear. Unfortunately, for too long we have ignored what the
Night itself wanted. Apparently, the Night
too has needs."
According to survivor Kristy Black, the
Night's revenge was abrupt and swift: "We
had just lit the candles, and were marching
through a darker area of town, when suddenly all the candles went out. Next thing
I knew, I heard a scream. Then another.
Something knocked me down and I
blacked out. By the time the candles had
been relit, it was too late. It was morning."
Police reports indicate that the marchers
suffered only minor injuries when Night
fell upon them.
The Night itself was not available for comment, but its associate, Evening, offered
the following explanations on its behalf:
"The Night has been really stressed out
lately. Working nights all the time will do
that to you. She sympathizes with the
march's ideals, but can no longer host it at
this time. However, as she does not wish to
discriminate, both genders are now cautioned to stay indoors at night, until the
Night feels more like herself. Anyone
caught out after nightfall risks being taken
by the Night."
Local police could not verify Evening's
warnings, but tentatively cautioned citizens to avoid going outside at night for
any reason except an emergency, in which
case they recommended treading softly
and keeping any conversations to a whisper. The American response was less
relaxed; "President" Bush raised the
National Alert to Vermillion and alerted all
citizens to stock up on flashlights, duct
tape, and Coca-Cola. In addition, FOX TV
ran a special on the developing "War on
Night," which included installing giant
floodlights and bombing areas suspected
of night-related activities. "We'll bomb the
daylights out of Night!" enthused Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "I mean,
bomb the nightlights out of it? Oh hell, this
is confusing already."
PIP WS TV m -SifT
Mtt'HI Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
06 January 2004
Volume Seventeen
Issue Five
06 January 2004
Editors Galore
Lana Rupp
lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca
Andy Martin
Jay Garcia
Dave Tsang
Dan Anderson
Jo Krack
Gina Eom
Kat Scotton
Contributors and More
Andy Martin
Ben Tippett
Dave Tsang
Stephen Notley
Jay Garcia
Death
Jon Woodward
Lana Rupp
Chris Anderson
Dan Anderson
Howard Choy
Jo Krack
Kat Scotton
Vanessa Kay
Dan Yokom
Serena Siow
Anna-Marie Bueno
Kristin Lyons
Patricia Lau
Gina Eom
Chris Zappavigna
Joyously Printed by
Horizon Publications
1983 Pandora St.
Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of the 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, the
Faculty of Science or a small rhesus
monkey named Steve. Writers and
cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Writers and cartoonists are discouraged
from submitting fecal material,
however. Submissions must meet
the requirements of making the
editor chuckle at least thrice, and
contain the author's name and contact information. Nude pictures of
attractive individuals also appreciated.
Send yer bitchin' and whinin' to
the432@hotmail.com.
Tis the Season
Lana Rupp
Nothing but a smile
Hoorah! The season of spending
and greed is nearly drawing to a
close. I hope you've all enjoyed
raping your savings, vomiting on your
loved ones and mass producing fruitcake.
If the three month long holiday madness
is one of your most cherished times of
year, fear not my friend, boredom is not
in store for you yet. Sure midterms are on
their way and finals are chomping at the
proverbial bit just beyond that, but first
comes my favorite time of the year! Yes
kids, it's time for AMS elections; the other
season of greed and insanity.
Now the business of running the AMS is
rather boring day to day. Sure there is the
occasional six hour in-camera meeting
and lively debate once in a blue moon,
but 90% of what a student government
leader does is about as exciting as the
boyle I recently had excised from my posterior end. Elections, however, are an
entirely different story. This is the time of
year where people forget that there is
such a thing as looking foolish and do
just about anything and everything to get
themselves elected.
This year appears to be shaping up well
with the radical beer faction plotting in
full force and left wing parties, right wing
parties, centralish parties and well meaning independants all clamouring to get up
there in those cushy second floor offices
and land their first spiffy AMS paycheck.
Those of you who have never carefully
observed an AMS election owe it to yourselves to discover why they are so much
more than forest ravaging poster campaigns covering every spare inch of our
fair campus. Come out to a debate and
watch the mud being slung, the resume
padders promise lower tuition, cheaper
housing and world peace and get bzzred
by beligerent RBF loyalists. If you get
bored come by the elections offices and
listen for the tell-tale wail of a scorned
candidate who's BUCH D320 poster's top
right corner is obscured by that of another
eager political beaver.
Watch as 3rdyear poli sci majors spend
more time outdoors in one week than
they have in the past year, freezing their
tits and fancy ties off to distribute shiny
leaflets with their happy shiny faces smiling out at you.
Take the time to turn off your Nokia
Engage and pay attention to the kids
invading your lectures and shamelessly
pleading for your consideration at the
polls. Applaud if they trip on the stairs.
Watch for stunts and wacky antics from
all hopefuls as they try unbelievable
things to get their names stuck in your
head for those ten minutes when you log
in, drunk out of your tree and pick the
names that sound the sexiest to you at
that second.
Rememeber folks, don't believe everything you hear from a politician's mouth,
even if it is an amateur student politician
who's words reach you. Ask questions,
read the Ubyssey supplement, come to a
debate and if all else fails gather distributed campaign material, read it, vote and
keep yourself warm this winter.
/ Peer Corner
Winter is a great time to
try out some tasty seasonal
beers. Winter beers are
usually cEirk, heavy and
higher in alcohol volume
than regular beers.
Shaftbury and Granville
Island offer more
commonly found winter
ales, where Russell
Breweries is harder to find
and only in pubs. A strong,
dark, bold one is great for
warming you up on those
chilly nights. (Beer, Pm
talking about beer!)
1 Brought to you by your Peer Goddess.
Horo of
Horos!
Dan Anderson
Blind and Batty
This week, the stars have a lot in store
for us on Earth. Sadly, they're light-
years away, so their messages of
love, peace, and schematics for cold fusion
won't reach us for quite some time. Thankfully, the planets are entirely within reach.
Now, if only they had something better for
us than fond wishes involving chainsaw
accidents.
Aries
You already know that your hair is so
unruly that it sometimes seems like it has a
mind of it's own. So it shouldn't be a surprise when, next week, the revolution
comes. Keep trimmers handy; they'll be
useful for quelling the uprising.
Taurus
Revelations have foretold the coming of a
great person. They never mentioned anything about you, so don't expect to have an
orgasm anytime soon.
Gemini
Losing control of your car and flying off
the bridge won't seem so bad when you
realize that you can just restart Mario Kart
and try it again. No need for the waterworks.
Cancer
You've always thought that hand-to-hand
combat is barbaric and cruel, but occasionally necessary. Still, you'll be sorely under-
prepared for next week's office foot-to-
mouth combat competition.
Leo
They call you the New Bionic Human, but
it's because of the fact that new technology
becomes obsolete after two years. And
you, my friend, are more than two years
old. Welcome to Obsolescenceville, population: you and all those leftover Apple lis
from the '80s.
Virgo
This week, your mundane, unremarkable
existence will be sharply disrupted by a
mundane, unremarkable event. Go figure.
Libra
You used to work in Chicago, in the old
department store. You used to work in
Chicago, you don't work there anymore.
Scorpio
For most people, a burning "down there"
would mean a quick trip to the doctor is
necessary. This is also true for you.
Sagittarius
To walk out on a sunny morning and hear
absolutely nothing would be extraordinarily frightening under normal circumstances, but you'll swiftly realize that you
ran out of q-tips three days previous.
Capricorn
The saying "there's no point in beating a
dead horse" does, in fact, apply to masturbation. And while necrophiliac bestiality is
not technically illegal, most people will
still think the pictures of you in the newspaper are pointless.
Aquarius
The droplets of rain come from the sky.
This has absolutely nothing to do with
your upcoming week.
Pisces
The cardinal T-square combined with the
moon passing through your sign and the
aftermath of last week's incidence of
venus, neptune, and the moon will have a
profound effect on your life. That was a
long line filled with pseudo-scientific
blather, all of which has no pertinence. 06 January 2004
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
2:2 Fake to Real Ratio
Jo Krack
Misses $ 7 Bills
I recently went to Brandi's for the first
time. For those of you who have not
had the pleasure, Brandi's is an upscale
strip club. Although it has a small "Civilian Dance Floor" with the warning "Please
Keep Clothes On!!", no one was dancing. I
suppose it's rather intimidating to dance
when just a few feet away there are professionals not only dancing better than you,
but doing so while winding themselves
around a pole, naked, to boot. Anyway, the
place was smaller than I expected, consisting of a non-civilian dance floor ringed by
seats (gynecology row) and then two rows
of tables. The dance floor had two poles
and a pull-up bar, the latter of which was
unfortunately far too high for me to reach
unassisted. Not that I was entertaining any
such thoughts anyway. Honest.
So we grabbed a table and settled in. The
standard waitressing uniform was
"white," the better to glow in the black
lights. (At this point, one SUS member in
our party, who will remain unnamed,
expressed relief that she had not gone with
her first-choice outfit for the night, which
consisted of a white skirt and white tube
top. The guys in our group then expressed
extreme regret and there was much
bemoaning and bewailing.) Anyway,
every waitress had her own variation on
the white theme, from furry to shiny to
ripped in strategic places. Our waitress
was wearing a greek-goddess-style dress,
long and conservative yet tight and
provocative. Unlike many of the waitresses/strippers, who relied on breast implants
and many layers of makeup, her attractiveness seemed to shine from the inside out. I
think our entire table was smitten with her.
We certainly tipped well enough!
Anyway, soon we were all settled in with
our first round and the dancing began.
Each stripper did the standard three-dance
act, in which the first dance is done mostly
clothed, the second in bra/thong, and the
third naked/mostly naked. There's also a
lot of rolling around on the floor involved.
The impressive thing was the strength and
flexibility of these girls, though. One was
able to hang upside-down by one knee
from the pull-up bar, then swing herself
back and forth. Another kept making men
at our table wince when she writhed to the
top of the pole, hung upside down, then
abruptly slid down the pole and stopped
with her head a mere three inches from the
floor. My main complaint was the lack of
coordination between moves and music:
when the music changes, so should the
routine. Only one girl got that right. To be
fair, I suppose most of the men didn't
notice, but still...
The highlight of the evening was definitely Drunk Front Row Girl. She was pretty
good-looking herself, but she seemed too
enthralled with the performances to be a
dancer. As she got drunker, she became
progressively louder and more expressive.
Her impassioned screams of "Wooo-
hoooo!", coupled with wild gesticulating,
made her the favourite of many of the
strippers. One talented young lady, after
doing an impressive pink-sequined
Michael Jackson (the best part was that she
kept her tie on for the entire act), gave
Drunk Front Row Girl her hat. Others gave
her posters of themselves. Which made me
wonder: do they have trading cards, too?
Obviously there is still much to learn.
Watching the strippers for three or so
hours really made me think. At first, I was
thinking about how much I loved the custom-made costumes: some were absolutely
amazing, although the shinier ones looked
like they'd be pretty hot to dance in.
(Mmmm, sweaty strippers.) Then I
snapped out of my reverie and thought,
"Shit, I'd have to be 15 pounds lighter and
six inches taller to do that, not to mention
the tanning and the waxing and the hey
hey hey!" But then it came to me: "hey,
why not work the bellydancing angle?"
That way my belly would be an asset
rather than a liability, and my moves
would be a refreshing change from the
standard routine (they were all pretty
much the same). Plus I have some good
music, so no problems there. The only
challenging part would be incorporating
pole-dancing into a bellydance routine, but
hey, I'm always up for a challenge!
Unfortunately, I was rudely snapped back
into reality courtesy of a drink spilled into
my lap (as long as you're drinking 'em
rather than spilling 'em, Brandi's bellinis
are the best—trust me). I went to the washroom to clean up, and ended up laughing
along with another girl in the same
predicament. Luckily my pants dried pretty quickly, and I was able to return to my
table without missing too much of the
dancing. Eventually we got bored of
watching the pretty naked ladies, and
headed out. The capper came when the
boys got their coats from the coat check:
one of our gang had ticket #432. It was definitely a sign: the 432 is not done with
Brandi's yet. Now don't you wish you
wrote for us? But hey! It's not too late!
There's still hope! So get writing, kids: next
time it could be YOU sitting in gynecology
The New, Hairier, Lighter Bourgeoisie
Howard Choy
Nutty
When talking squirrels tell you to
do something, you fucking do it
man, just do it.
"Hey mister... Mister! Down here mister!
Yea, it's me, I'm a squirrel so do my bidding. I need you to gather some nuts, big
ones, don't cheap out on me now. I need
you to gather some big nuts, and not nuts
as in testicles, but real nuts, nuts I can eat
and stuff. Upon getting these nuts of sorts,
I want you to dig holes all over the garden.
Deep enough for you to stand upright in
with only your head sticking out. Dig
about six of those in your backyard. When
you've done that, I want you to fill your
pockets with the nuts that you gathered
and scour the city for some cellophane.
None of that store-bought shit, I want the
cellophane that families throw out after
they finish their packed sandwiches and
leftovers. That's the good stuff. Find
enough to wrap all your nuts into sacks of
sixteen. You need at least twelve sacks, so
that means you need a lot of nucking futs.
Now this is the tricky part. I want you to
find a long piece of string. This string will
be used to connects all the sacks together.
Allow enough space between sacks so that
you can put two sacks in each hole. It doesn't matter if the sacks don't touch the bottom, just make sure that they're in the hole.
This is where you find the chickens. Six
chickens, dead or alive. It doesn't really
matter. Tie the chickens between the sacks
and in the hole. You got that? It's pretty
complicated, but you look like a smart guy.
When you've done all that, you should
have six holes in your backyard each with
two sacks of nuts and a chicken in between
the sacks of nuts all connected by a string.
No, no, don't even think about asking why
you're doing this. Yes that's right, I know.
I can tell by the way your stupid face looks,
all squinty and shit. When I say do it, you
do it. Those are the rules now. You have
three days. Work hard."
SCIENCE OLYMPICS,
/
Friday, January 30
12-lpm      SUB South Plaza
Registration FREE
Teams of 6-8
All faculties and departments are
encouraged to get their asses
whupped by superior science teams
PRIZES!
Events include:
The Balloon Stomp...of Doom
The Giant Ski Race (Size matters)
'Froshkiller' Obstacle course
Registrations must be received on or before Wednesday, January 28th!
kristin_lyons@hotmail.com
Or
 Fill out a form (in SUS office)	 Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
06 January 2004
The Future is Now... Suckers.
\ss<vffy    Jay Garcia
G'Ji
'-* -/    So Very Precious
I'm so damn proud to be living in a time
when other geeks have large disposable
incomes, enough so that convincing
people that buying a replica Scout Walker from Star Wars for the price of a of a
mid-sized car is an acceptable fiduciary
practice. And where fellow geeks produce
such online apocatrivia as dating guides
for Massively Multiplayer Roleplaying
games, and obsessive Japanese Nintendo
fans can record a near zen-like run of a
Super Mario Bros. 3 game for our viewing
amusement. Truly, we are living in the
future.
It used to be that needy North American
geeks who enjoyed the artistic labours of
their Japanese counterparts were forced to
wait weeks or months for someone to
travel far Nippon, buy a VHS tape containing one or several episodes of Japanese anime or gameshows and travel back
to these shores. Additional weeks would
be needed for these to be translated and
copied for fan-only distribution. Now,
through the use of all these fancy computing-machines and the medium of the
inter-web, this process has been reduced
to a mere couple of days. So now, instead
of waiting a fortnight to discover that the
latest episode of Iron Chef featured a
secret ingredient primarily made of
yogurt, fans can now discover the true
horror of octopus-in-yogurt souffle all
that much more quickly! Ah! The future!
And, while we don't have Rosie the
Robot, we do have the Roomba, our very
own personal household cleaning robot-
device. Sure, it doesn't have arms or a
head or a sassy-yet-servile demeanor, but
it does manage to vacuum up the dirt
trekked in from the slushy outdoors, and
it's smart enough to know when to
recharge itself! It's like having a trained
puppy which cleans up after you, though
sadly, without the warm puppy charm.
Amazing!
Entertainment technology has also progressed to the point that additional
human contact is now completely extraneous to the enjoyment of the product.
Where before, most games required a
social circle in order to even reach any
form of utility (qv, jacks, jump ropes, marbles), modern gaming devices allow their
owners to completely ignore the outside
world for hours, if not days at a time (see
"Prince of Persia - the Sands of Time", or
"Disgaea", or "Final Fantasy Tactics
Advance"). The ever downward-spiralling
cost of these devices helps to ensure that
no modern child shall go without, giving
us a future of cheerful isolation, unsullied
by the patter of little feet. Marvellous!
We still don't have flying cars, though,
which is something of a blessing, as people can't stay in their own lanes whilst on
the ground. What we have instead is post-
post-modern Car Remakes! The Vintage
VW Bug! The Austin Mini! All we need
now is a reborn rear-impact-exploding
Pinto and the past can be the Future! For
only five to ten times the cost of the originals (adjusted for inflation)! Absolutely
cool!
And everyone seems to have their own
hand-held personal communication
device, just like in Star Trek, only without
the bad toupee and the laborious ham-
handed acting. However, instead of using
these devices to talk to each other, people
seem to be content to awkwardly type
short messages to each other using a
twelve button keypad! Bizarre!
Sadly, this Geek Future we seem to be living in does have its dark side. As the
housemartin or the plumber migrates
south in the winter, so does Spam find its
way to all of our inboxes, enjoining us to
shatter her walls with our meat cannons,
or contribute to the fiscal rejuvenation of
deposed South African dictators. In a similar vein do animated purple apes or
pugilistically inclined monkeys eventually
invade our computing-machines.
And the Future still does not have the
solution to all our ills. There is still no
technical means to prevent juvenile delinquents from buying cheap cars and paying half-again as much of the car's value
for shinny gew-gaws, trinkets, over-bored
mufflers, spoilers large enough to provide
downforce for rocket-cars, or those ridiculous "Type R" stickers. Nor can we stop
the rampant proliferation of those mind-
numbing reality shows such as "Survivor"
or "Joe Millionaire" (though, with time,
this decidedly inferior form of entertainment may yet metamorphose into the
more enjoyable "Running Man" version
envisioned by Richard Bachman). While
we possess the means to deter people (in
the form of such popular electro-shock
technologies as The Taser, or the ever-
popular Beating Stick), we have yet to dis
cover the means to apply these deterrents
to the population at large. Such a man (or
woman, in this Modern age) who discovers this technique will not only make a
name for themselves, but also their fortune.
Additionally, our cities still suffer from an
over-abundance of politicians. Need for
these has already been proven to be spurious, as modern Turing-capable programs
can already simulate most politician's
behaviour during long meetings. Despite
their utility in creating and sustaining
large warm-air masses, studies have
shown that simply burning these politicians provide the same long-term fuel and
heat benefits while simultaneously reducing their more volatile emissions and
environmental contaminants. This technological future should be able to create a
device that uses politicians as fuel, a la
The Matrix. All we'd need is a simulation
of an endless caucus, peppered liberally
with nubile interns, and they'd never suspect that the world had changed whatsoever.
However, this Geek Future will not be
complete without an over-arching
machine mind to monitor our every
thought and deed. And I for one welcome
our new machine overlord, so long as it
keeps the prOn coming.
See, if they would just make a Matrix consist -
ing of a 'World of Porn', I'm sure the world's
population would gladly submit to the will of
the machine.
But then, the geekiest would be the first to be
enslaved, leaving no one to upgrade the world
with new and exciting features such as shorter
midgets, slicker PVC, Hooters v.3.0,
Cheerleader v.1.0, and who will keep the cos -
play up to date, if not for the geeks? Who?
-Andy
At any time, 0.7«o or
WORLDS POPULATION IS DRUNK.
I KNOW WL CAN DO BLTTLR.
&.U.B.&
T?ell@ii& Shou*
First 3 Rows Witt Get Wet!
Mottday, January 26, 12:30-2:30pm
Norm Theatre in the SM.B
Entries/Nominations to:
susprofshow@hotrnaiLcom 06 January 2004
THF FOI 1R THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Dead Pool
Death
wears a tracksuit
Everybody dies a little everyday, and
some people die a lot, 100% in fact,
on that same day. And that's what
we're all about here.
Since the last issue, many, many people
have died. The earthquake last week in
Bam, Iran, claimed somewhere between 30
and 40 thousand souls. I'm still counting.
But none of them were famous, so see how
much press they get, and as such, nobody
got even a measly point from this tragedy.
Perrenial Dead Pool co-Mascot, Keiko
finally gave up the ghost on December
12th, following our other mascot, Dolly the
Blasphemous Sheep earlier this year. But
peeps didn't pay attention to tradition, so
nobody profited.
On Dec. 30th, Earl Hindman, best known
as the face and voice of the wizened next-
door neighbour in that there 'Home
Improvement' sitcom died of lung cancer.
But enough on how people didn't score,
we want to focus on the scoring. Our front
runners are:
Currently in First Place, Jen Ross, with 20
points, attributed to the ultimate demise of
super-old Japanese person Kamato Hongo
(4th choice) and Rod Roddy (9th choice),
the always boisterous announcer from the
Price is Right, who came on down from
breast and colon cancer.
Currently in Second Place, Christine
Slemko, with 8 points with Penny Singleton (7th choice), the ultra-sexy voice of
Jane Jetson.
Currently in Third Place, Michael Cow-
per, with 7 points from Broadway's
favourite dead guy, Elia Kazan (8th
choice).
As you noticed, with such a small number of points, this is anybody's race,
maybe even yours. Submit a Dead Pool
List of 15 targets to the432@hotmail.com
with a few really old and/or sick famous
people at the top, and be scanning the
obituaries with bated breath.
Who are favourites to have the number
2004 carved in their Headstone?
First, let's cover the most powerful men
in the world: Pope John Paul II and
Ronald Reagan are in their last days.
Expect Saddam Hussein and Dick Cheney
to go down swinging to electric chairs and
coronaries, respectively. Fidel Castro is
nearing 80 years, and has to deal with a
lot of stress and cigars.
Jerry Lewis is always a good bet.
In the music scene, Ozzy Ozbourne is
now out of intensive care, but his body is
old and there are only so many more
drugs that one frame can take. Keith
Richards may already be dead, we're not
sure. Michael Jackson may be heading for
the big house, and child-lovers don't last
too long in the pen. Happy Birthday to
Lemmy, who just turned 58, but will
never die.
Never ignore chronic disease, i.e. Magic
Johnson, Michael J. Fox.
You have to consider unhealthy living:
Marlon Brando and his cheeseburgers,
Courtney Love and her bitch-on, Yasser
Arafat, 50 Cent, Robert Downey Jr., Charlton Heston (no one should be able to survive that close to that many firearm-bearing yokels), Boris Yeltzin (gimme a C, an
I-R-R-H-O-S-I-S), any iterim leader of any
Middle-Eastern country, and SUS executive who crosses out beloved editrixx are
wild cards that could pay off BIG BIG
BIG!!!
And remember, what you think is
famous is different than what I think is
famous. They all die the same. So when
your big point getters bite the dust, be
sure to let us know, or their deaths will be
for naught.
And of course, anybody convicted of
killing a celebrity will not get the points,
but everybody else will. So be sure to
have an alibi and a good lawyer ready.
Until next time, keep on dying!
Muhahahahahahahahahahahahah?
H H4S A?QJ>TKQ?H& '• _Wffl$h
Don't move! The dog \
crazy for the cat 'sfood!
She'll bite you!
NO APHSTRQpHei:(^(o}_^^\-
Dont move! The dugs
crazy for the cats food!
Shell bite you!
^
1 DcmiWo...T(«Si«J«'s
fjuPA v£ibp re «£.
T'rt HOT 5WB6   1W
£.t>nr&tTABi_: tjiTH
SUCH A ltfi,0\CAi.
Where the fuck are you?
If you Joined the Code and Policy
We need your contact info.
Contact
shsiow@interchange. ubc. ca
NOW!
And Stop Touching Yourself
Welcome, Ted Dodds
Jonathan Woodward
Worth one MILLION dollars
B
ring  the  prisoner  in,  Commander
Chiang.
At last we meet, Mr. Dodds. You have
evaded our efforts for some time. I know
now, when I look at you, it is only my professional side that admires your undeniable skill in espionage. What is human in
me is utterly repulsed by your cruelty. Our
last meeting was in Bolivia, Mr. Dodds,
when from our control room we watched
our satellite fall from the sky with clenched
teeth. We traced the source of the signals to
your secret base in the Andes where we
found a transmission dish sewn into the
crust of a volcanic crater.
By the time the task force arrived, you had
escaped without a hint of what you had
planned, but the 15-terawatt Tesla generator wired through a geothermal vent to
magma in the Earth's core left us with only
one guess.
Ingenious, Mr. Dodds. But deadly.
We nearly believed the second time you
faked your own death, but the flaring of
tensions in Pakistan too recently afterwards was your hallmark, absolutely.
We chased you from the Subcontinent to
the Siberian tundra but lost you in Irkutsk.
The Saudis housed you until you betrayed
them. The Libyans granted you amnesty
only as long as it took to discover how dangerous you really are.
You outsmarted our bureau in Luxembourg when you replaced Lieutenant Murphy's brain meniscus by injecting a carbon-
bonding polymer. Kurabe electroresin is
level 7 banned in all of the Western world
excluding
very   reasons   you
Macedonia   for   the
employed it.
Your actions left your hosts with a terrifying human toll. The Belgian you imperson
ated, Herman Versele, was a gibbering fool
when he was finally recovered in Rangoon.
The man discovered in North Dakota—to
this day we do not know his name—was a
mute.
Commander Chiang has felt your sting:
not even our best surgeons can remove the
genetically warped fire coral from his face.
Look at his face, Dodds!
The Des Moines fiasco left our Institute
scarred as well. Even our best intelligence
never guessed that you would share your
power between three of your clones, let
alone one—or that after the security breach
of the Pentagon, you would kill all of them.
When your personal jet crashed as
planned into the Appalachians, we found
their bodies. And we found that the jet was
made entirely of plutuminium to foil our
radar. We have no idea how you synthesized the alloy, Dodds, but samples are
now in the fourth underground level of
our lab in Manitoba. We will find out.
And now you escaped the physical chase
to begin the high-stakes virtual game of cat
and mouse, Ted Dodds, UBC Associate VP
of Information Technology. You are the
evil mastermind behind myUBC 2.0, and
its awful green and yellow. With maniacal
glee and equally ruthless, reckless abandon you play with the e-mails, the channels, and the lives of UBC students.
We knew that you were Canada's jurisdiction, but we had to act first before you
slipped away once again. We will inform
Interpol, but only after this 'session.'
Perhaps I am speaking to a humanoid
robot in your likeness. But does a robot feel
your fear, Mr. Dodds?
And now, Commander Chiang will whip
you with your own Ethernet cables. Only if
we had a Siamese twin or a four-foot tall
spider would the irony be more acute. But,
alas, Mr. Dodds, it is all we have. Seeing
your pain will allow me to know that UBC
students, though they now know nothing,
will have their revenge.
Chiang, commence! Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
06 lanuarv 2004
Gravitational Ultra-lensing at Parties
Chris Anderson
Pretty when he's drunk
According to Einstein's Theory of General
Relativity, everything - including light -
falls through curved spacetime. For those
readers unfamiliar with this Theory, space-
time is the four dimensional world in
which we live. That is to say, not only do
you need the three directions of up-down,
left-right, and forward-backward to determine an object's location, but also the time
at which the object will be there. How is
this spacetime curved? Einstein says that
objects with large masses will bend space-
time, like a marble in the centre of a sheet
of cellophane, changing the path along
which objects and light near the massive
object travel. This effect can be so strong as
to produce what we call gravitational lens-
ing, the bending of light so much so that
you can see an image of an object hidden
behind the massive object because the light
coming from the hidden object is bent
around the side or over the top of the massive object. Figure 1 explains this concept
fairly simply.
This gravitational lensing is not limited to
the heavens, however, but can be observed
right here on Earth. For instance, at a
ChemSoc Buck-A-Beaker social gathering,
a situation could arise in which a dense
mass such as a university football player
could find himself between a student (who
has had too much to drink) and a senile little old lady with a bouquet of flowers who
missed her bus stop and hasn't the faintest
where she is. In such a situation, the football player's mass could theoretically bend
spacetime. This curve would bend the
light coming from the little old lady, so
much so that it would bend back inward in
front of the football player to the eyes of
the inebriated student. In fact, if the little
old lady were to be in just the right spot the
light travelling past each side of the football player could be bent back inwards,
creating the illusion of two little old ladies
- one to the right and one to the left of the
football player - when in reality only one
lady exists behind the football player. Furthermore, the student's drunken state
could cause his brain to make slight adjustments while processing the image hitting
his eyes, resulting in two swimsuit-clad
models to the football player's sides rather
than two little old ladies. This point is
illustrated in Figure 2. At this point the
student's drool is likely to become a hazard of lawsuit proportions. He will slip,
fall and remain there passed out until the
morning and accompanying hangover
greet him the next day.
Gravitational Ultra-Lensing at Parties
An original psychoastronomical theory by Chris Anderson
Copyright 2003, all rights reserved.
Swimsuit Model
(Imagined Twin #1)
Football Player
I (Very Dense)
Little Old Lady   ^^^
(Actually There) ^ WF^,
Swimsuit Model
(Imagined Twin #2)
Fig. 2
Student
(Inebriated)
.or we'll fry these puppies.
(Writer's meeting: Jan 13, 4:32 PM in the IFPO 06 January 2004
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
Dan Yokom
President
Welcome Back! I hope everyone
had a successful first term and a
relaxing break! I'm sure we're all
charged up for a great and eventful second
semester. Over the next few months look
out for the AMS and SUS Elections, tuition
consultation, Science club events, Arts
County Fair and most importantly SCIENCE WEEK! For the last week in January, Patricia has come up with some amaz-
Patricia Lau
VP External
Welcome back! I hope you all had a
restful and relaxing break. Guess
what's happening in three
weeks? SCIENCE WEEK! Yay, how exciting. This year Science Week is taking place
January 26-30, 2004. Returning are many of
your old favourite events such as Jello
Wrestling, the Professor Talent Show,
Beyond First Year, Beyond the Bachelor of
Science and Science Olympics. If you
would like to participate in Science
Olympics (with sports day type games
such as the 'Electron Transport Chain' and
other fun ones) please find a bunch of your
friends, fill out a registration form and
drop it off in LSK 202 (it's free!). Also,
don't forget to watch out for and attend
COLD FUSION (evening of Jan 30), our big
concert bash to round out the week.
I am also proud to promote several new
events. This year we are debuting a student research showcase night which will
be run in conjunction with our keynote
speaker, UBC's own renowned Dr. Brett
Finlay. If you would like to participate as a
student researcher (or if you have any
questions), please contact me at susshow-
case@hotmail.com. As a participant you
will take part in an informal poster session
and reception that will follow Dr. Finlay's
lecture. The showcase is a great place to
show off any work you have done in any
field of science and a great place to meet
new people and see what your peers have
been up to. Hey, there may even be prizes
ing academic sessions and fantabulous fun
events, so keep an eye out. This is a chance
for you to relax and charge up for
midterms. I wish everyone the best of luck
in 2004.
Science Social Space
Unfortunately the project's design did not
get approval from the Design Advisory
Panel in mid-December. Basically they felt
the design was not specific enough to proceed so our architects and designer have
been working hard over the holidays and
will return to the DAP early this month.
for participants. Additionally we are holding a Quiz Show event this year so if you
would like to participate be sure to gather
a team together, fill out the registration
form, and drop it off in LSK 202 (it's also
free!).
Also watch out for all SUS clubs to be
holding a Science Week event. I am also
working on running an event with the
UBC Debating Society on a current Science
topic. If you would like to take part, email
me at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca. This is a
great opportunity to learn about debating
as you will be on a team with seasoned
debaters from the Debating Society. All in
all it will be a very fun filled packed week
so watch out!
If you would like to help out with Science
Week in any way, such as designing promotion material, postering for us, volunteering at events, or helping with the last
bits of planning then please please please
contact me at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
The committee is always open to anyone
who is interested in any capacity so come
on out. If you have any questions related to
Science Week or anything else you think I
can answer, ask away!
Would you like to make 600L of BLUE
JELLO? Would you like to help design a
poster that will be seen all over campus?
Would you like to help out at any of the
Science Week events? Would you like to
carry a bullhorn, wear blue face paint, and
tell everyone you see about Science Week?
If the answer is yes to any of these questions or if you would like to help out with
Science Week in any way please contact
Patricia Lau at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
Serena Siow
Secretary
Anew year, new resolutions, and
same old SUS. Well not entirely.
This season's a busy one, preparing
for Science Week and all (which I encourage *everybody* to take part in!). Hopefully the abundance of food I've consumed
during the holiday season will sustain me.
But anyway, the SUS Code and Policies
Lana Rupp
D. of Publications
Welcome back to UBC folks. Hope
your holiday was long enough to
ensure you won't send me any
mail bombs this term. Publications is
proud to announce that we have switched
printing companies for the new year. We
are eager to work with our new partner in
crime, Horizon!
The Paradigm is coming along slowly and
may become a collaboration between the
Engineering and Science Undergraduate
Societies to appeal to a broader range of
people. Anyone interested in helping with
this news and information magazine
and/or wishing to send us content is
strongly encouraged to do so soon. Please
send all submissions to
the432@hotmail.com  and  large   files   to
lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca.
committee will be meeting early this
semester, date yet to be confirmed. We'll
be going over the many potential changes
we came up with at our last (albeit first)
meeting. On the agenda, and perhaps the
most significant change, is reformation of
the current structure of SUS committees.
The committee is looking for a design that
will promote effectiveness and involvement. So yes, that's the plan. Although I've
now a full committee, the C&P meetings
are open to all interested persons. See
ya'll.
This year the 432 team is once again proud
to offer a free t-shirt to anyone submitting
three or more articles, cartoons, ads, or
contributing to our editing binges on any
occasion. We thank all of those who were
able to get those t-shirts last term. Your
hard work is greatly appreciated and will
ensure our mercy when the rest of the
world feels our wrath.
The next writer's meeting will be held
Tuesday January 13th at 4:32pm in the
IFPO (basement of SUB). This will be for
the grand science week issue. We need
help! We will compensate you for your
time generously with liquid and solid persuasion.. I suppose that sounds dirty, but
I'm speaking merely of those beloved
favorites: booze and food.
The next deadline for the 432 is the 15th of
January at 4:32pm. Send your soul and
your comments to the432@hotmail.com.
Submit soon and often... because we love
submission.
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Co-ordinator
Please let me be the hundredth person to
wish you a happy New Year and great big
welcome back to the wonderful world of
UBC!! Unfortunately I entered 2004 with a
really nasty cold I caught on vacation in
California and I'm still getting over it. On
the brighter side of things, my vacation
was good fun, and my flight back to Van-
City was sufficiently entertaining - kids are
funny.
Okay, so what's been up? December was a
pretty quiet month for SUS itself, but I've
been assured that you kids out there have
definitely been keeping it live during the
holidays. I had a chance to attend the FTC
Charity Fundraiser at Stone Temple sponsored   by  various   UBC   groups.   Good
times? Sure, why not? Lotta UBC faces, of
course! Also, thanks in part to certain SAC
buddies and of course my avid-SUS-
events-supporter, I had the opportunity to
party it up at the Commodore in support
of what seems to be a very prominent club
at UBC. Some faces in the crowd included
our very own AMS execs, Mr. VP Admin
and Mr. VP Finance (who busted some
moves on stage), a few frat guys, a couple
of SAC peeps, and some of the most fun
people to have ever hit the dance floor. As
Social Coordinator, all in all, I'm happy to
see and report that people have kept the
party going after exams and into the New
Year. You can definitely look forward to
an awesome second term especially with
some of the great things SUS has planned,
Science Week being one of the biggest
which of course includes my personal
favourite event, Cold Fusion. Stay tuned.
Gina Eom
VP Internal
Happy New Year everyone! I hope
you had a good break. The Academic Committee has put forth the
nomination forms for the SUS Leadership
award as well as the SUS Teaching Excellence award. Pick one up at the SUS
lounge, or download it from the SUS website - www.sus.ubc.ca. As well, there will
be an anonymous academic suggestion
box located in the Chemistry Lounge as
well as the SUS lounge. If you have any
suggestions, feedback on academic aspects
which you would like to point out, however specific they may or may not be, please
leave us a comment. Or email us at
sus@interchange.ubc.ca.
I'm currently working with Senators May
Tee and Christopher Zappavigna on an
exam reform, which with the collaboration
of the other undergraduate societies and
the AMS, will address the issue of "exam
clusters". The current proposal is to extend
the exam hardship to 36 hours instead of
the current 24. This is a suggested accomodation for the shortened exam period
brought forth in the recent years. If you
have any questions or comments on this,
please contact me - or make my day and
make a suggestion in the new academic
suggestion box!
Join the First Year Committee! Last term,
the first year committee raised funds for
the Salvation Army and handed out hot
chocolate on the last day of school, during
the pouring rain. This term, we will be an
active contributor to Science Week by
organizing a barbeque and collaborating
with the Faculty of Science in Beyond First
Year. Contact the chair of FYC, Karen
Howarth, at khj_16@hotmail.com. Whee!
Finally I would like to thank everyone
who contributed to the Christmas food
hamper last term. Thank you for sharing
the holiday spirit with those less fortunate
than us. I hereby conclude an entire post
without any attempt at humour/subliminal
messages. *shakes head in disbelief*
Chris Zappavigna
Senator
Hello everyone, I hope you all had a
good holiday and that you're
ready to get back to work. Your
Science Senator enjoyed his time off and is
now ready to get back to work. I'd be
interested in hearing what academic questions Santa brought you for Christmas, so
please email me at cjzappav@inter-
change.ubc.ca. On the senate front, there is
one student initiative that will prove to be
very interesting once it hits the senate
floor, hopefully in February. As I'm sure
you all experienced, the December exam
schedule was extremely tight, and full of
exam clusters for students. The current
exam hardship definition is defined as 3
exams in 24 hours, and the middle exam
has to be rescheduled.   Many of us have
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hi All! Well, here we are, already in
second term! I hope that you all
had a wonderful and safe holiday!
As for second term leagues, they're coming
up fast. The deadline for all indoor leagues
is Friday, January 9th and for all outdoor
leagues is Monday, January 12th. Other
upcoming events include the Winterfest
Team Challenge. All science teams
remember that you can now sign up your
team not only as a science team, but also as
a team representing a certain science sub-
unit. For example, if your team consists of
all Microbiology students, then you can
sign up as a Science team with a subunit
listed as Microbiology.   Try to get these
experienced 3 exams in 27 or 30 hours.
Unfortunately the current solution to
those exam clusters is "suck it up." A number of student senators (myself included),
the AMS and SUS would like to change
this because it's unacceptable. Consider the
breakdown of time: each exam is potentially 3 hours in length, so that's 3 exams x
3 hours in length= 9 hours of exam writing.
Say this happens over a 27 hour period-
then one third of the student's time is exam
writing! This doesn't include studying,
preparation or transportation to and from
the exam. Nor does it include the necessities of eating, sleeping and washing.
Hopefully students will view our efforts
as improvements to the exam hardship
policy. Please use my e-mail address
above to contact me if you have any questions. Ta-ta for now!
subunit teams together so that you can
rack up points for your individual sub-
units! Also, remember about rebates. All
science sports teams are eligible for
rebates. Just hand in your receipt, roster
and the name, phone number and email
address of the person who I am to write the
rebate to into my mailbox in the SUS office.
These rebates will not be available until the
end of term two.
Lastly, coming up at the end of this month
is Science Week, and on the Friday of Science Week (January 30 from 12-lpm), we
are holding a Science Olympics sporting
event. This event will include such fun
events as a giant ski race and an obstacle
course. The event is free, and teams consist
of 6-8 people. There is room for 12 teams,
so please don't wait to sign up! Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
06 lanuarv 2004
For the Lust of the Game
Andy Martin
Footsie Champ
Some survey I heard about somewhere,
sometime said that more people fear public speaking than death.
Hah! Losers!
As an attention hog with a resume a mile long,
I just can't understand that. I love being the
center of attention, and public speaking is the
best way to attain that. Whether I'm on the
stage singing about boobies, in the classroom
lecturing about the Loop of Henle, or just
yelling at passing air molecules, I love it. It
makes me feel, rightfully so, more important
than anybody else within screaming distance.
Because when more people pay attention to
you, the more important you become at that
exact moment.
And if preparation and organization is required
to get a whole classroom of humanoids to give
me their undivided attention for a period, then
that's what I'll just have to do. Just about every
course I've taken, from Conservation Biology
416, to Porn Star 323, has required some form
of public presentation. And preceding each of
these presentations, the instructor gave some
advice on public speaking. Everybody has a
different strategy, from speaking in an authoritative, booming voice, to adding as many gimmicky fades as a PowerPoint presentation can
take. Here, I'll let you in on a few of my
favourite strategies, in hopes that you'll abuse
them like the naughty puppies they are.
1. First off, be sure to at least pretend to prepare for the upcoming talk. Outline the basic
subject material and think about it long and
hard. This is the most pleasant stage, because
while you may not be getting any attention for
it, 'thinking about it' can take whatever form
you want, from drinking to boinking to punching Beluga whales at the Aquarium. Even if
you don't do any actual work towards your
paper, you'll then always have the prepared
whine of 'but I prepared so much for it...the
teacher hates me'.
2. There is the classic tip of picture them in
their underwear. This might work for prudish
speakers, but for the truly hardcore public
speaker, you have to go all the way. You can
stop at just picturing them plain naked before
throwing in mental erotica (especially if you're
male, as sudden penal rigor is a definite speech
killer).
3. I always try to have a drink beforehand to
help me loosen up. But this only works if it's
executed properly. Have the drink too early,
and it'll wear off and you'll feel tired, drink too
late, and it won't work worth shit. If you
choose an especially fume-ous spirit, and the
audience will smell where your courage came
from. And of course, not knowing your limit is
bound to fuck you up. Oh it'll loosen you up,
all right. All of you, including your bladder, and
your rigid schedule of only hitting on your Prof
behind closed doors to help your mark.
Instead, bring booze for the rest of the class.
It's good to start on the right foot, and your Prof
will thank you softening the blow of boredom
from sitting 30 nearly-identical talks of material they've heard a hundred times..
4. As anybody who just got dumped off the
pier in concrete shoes will tell you, breathing
is important. Be sure to breathe steadily. If
you're not fully comfortable in front of people,
you tend to forget about other things. Steady
breathing also allows you to control the volume
and pitch of your voice, both of which can go to
shit faster than a universe born with one additional particle of anti-matter. Yeah, breathing's
good.
5. On that note, never carry a click-able pen
in your hand while you're talking either. The
body always finds someway to release stress,
and clicking a pen is more convenient than
pissing yourself. The incessant clicking will
irritate the crap out of your audience. If you
must have a stress-reliever, try holding something some maracas to keep the beat with, or
something quieter that you can fiddle with like
Tupperware or a boobie.
6. Don't look directly in their eyes. It can't
help but come off as freaky 'they're staring at
me... what the hell is wrong with them?'Avoiding direct eye contact also gives you the air of
superiority. Then people think you're arrogant.
You may be, but you don't want them thinking
that. I prefer to dart my eyes around like a madman bent on protecting his antique meat collection from the marauding hamster-people. Move
your eyes every 2 seconds. You avoid direct,
staring, eye contact, but don't come off as arrogant, and look energetic and dynamic.
This also works when walking in the city,
when you don't want to come off as ignoring
the homeless, but don't want to stare at them
either.
7. Don't sing. This is put in as a warning to the
extremely stupid few who try to add this in
their talks. Most people can't sing, and most
audience members just want to get the hell out
of there, and tacking on a 3 minute 'Nucle-
ophilic Backside Attack Blues [Long Chain
Polymer Remix]' just makes the torture last
longer. The great Lord of the Rings film trilogy
is now complete, and if there was a greater
accomplishment in this majestic set of films, it
was the fact that they filmed it with a minimum
of the fruity singing that clutters the books.
8. Take a cue from the movie business. It used
to be that movies relied on big dramatic themes
to sell themselves. Not anymore. Now it's the
big production and special effects monsters that
bring in the big audiences. Make your talk a
Hollywood production. PowerPoint is now all
but required for talks, and people still ooh and
ahh over a star-wipe fade. But you have to take
it a step further: sell your talk with the age-old
strategies of violence, foul language and sex
Sex!! SEX!!!! Shiny objects and loud noises
will bump you up those few percentile points to
turn a mediocre B- into a majestic B.
9. Then, there is the unfortunate point when a
crowd turns ugly. All of a sudden your Prof
stands up and refutes you, as they should
because everything you've been saying was
made-up on the spot, as you know all of shit of
the topic as you were punching belugas all
week.
There's only one honest way to deal with this:
make up references. Just say 'A paper I read in
the latest issue of [Combine s buzz word of
your class' topic with 'Journal of...' 'Monographs of...', 'Readings in...', 'Experimental...' or any similar combination] said so'.
Then it's somebody else's fault... somebody
else who doesn't even exist, and isn't that better than having you take the blame for your stupidity?
"Well, Dr. Dingaling, a recent article by Nelson et al. in the most recent issue of Experimental Monographs in Restoration, states that
pygmy marmosets are indeed the largest cause
of mortality for Uruguayan children aged 6 ? to
6 9/10 years. I'd like to discuss it further, but I
have much to cover in a rapidly diminishing
time limit, and don't want to cheat my fellow
students by using up more of the class period
than they will get."
10. Don't open with a joke. Mostly because
you're not funny. And the people being forced
to sit through your drivel won't appreciate it.
Go with half-jokes: turns of the phrase, physical accentuations to your speech, licking your
lips and rubbing your chest following any
phrase that could be taken as double-entendre.
If you're doing a class presentation, most of the
other students are too busy dreading their
upcoming doom to consider anything funny,
short of you impaling yourself on the podium.
11. Use a laser pointer cuz those things rock.
It's a little bit of Star Wars in your hand. You
never know how much you miss them until you
find yourself having to walk across the room to
gesture wildly at your flowchart. And they're
also good 'oh shit' tools when you have to blind
the Prof and make a run for it.
But hopefully you won't need to resort to that.
Instead, stand up straight, keep that chin high,
shoulders back and pelvis thrusting. Because
you're a star now, a porn star, a porn star of
public speaking!
Coming January 26
Science Week 2004
™DKOR*DU,TC OW** S"0W»ffi
I* ^
♦
"ft:
|P   ^
|Pji^»\
Chemistry 'Hsgic SW~i
<&t$&il©£ia®©
£>
0 WRESj
^
As
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...and so much more!!!

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