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The 432 Dec 3, 1998

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VOLUME   12   ISSUE  06  •   12.3.98
Santa Claus
Presumed Dead!
The happiness of millions of gentile
children hangs with bated breath
tonight. Over three hundred and thirty days of restraining themselves from the
millions of temptations of modern society
may all be for naught. A press release from
Santa's Workshop is that Santa is missing,
in action. Annie The Elf explained the situation.
"Mr. Claus was making a routine training
run of his 1999 '.Skyblazer' Sleigh. We were
just pushing the  8000km/h barrier and
everything was going smoothly. Then, from
the corner of the radar, another, much larger blip appeared. The blip came towards
Santa at a unbelievable speed.  Then, alii—;
of a sudden, they both disapeared.. What ~
the blip was, or Santa's whereabouts at'—
this time are unknown.    We are making
every effort to find the answers and bring
Santa back alive."
Ms. Elf then left the room quickly, as the
mob of reporters rushed the podium
attempting to get there share fair of the
milk and cookies.
While many groups have been claimed
responsibility for the loss of Santa and his sleigh, none have been verified. Only one
group have been given any attention.
"The Jehovah's Witnesses have been trying to get their hands on Santa for years,"
said RCMP Staff Sargeaunt Bob White. "Think about it, you couldn't get the guy out
of your house. Every time you bounce his ass onto the sidewalk, he just zips back
down your chimney."
Local leader of the liberal party Gordon Campbell was quick to hold his own press
conference in response to the shocking news. We present here a brief transcript.
The Sun: "Mister Campbell, what is your reaction
to the news that the children of British Columbia
will not be getting any presents this year?
GC: "This is clearly the inevitable out-
Jesus H Christ, I've
been good all year,
and for what?
julie": 4 years old next month.
come of the NDP's unfavourable attitude towards business. I've been predicting the loss of Kris Kringle for years. The
NDP has mismanaged enough. Its time for the citizens to realise just how deep a whole Mr. Clark
has dug us into."
CBC Newsworld: "Mister Campbell, it
has been said in interviews before
that you never actually answer questions, that you simply resort to ineffectual attacks
on Mister Clark. How would you respond to this?"
GC: "That is an understandable position, its just that there is so much to whine
about when it comes to that weasally little prick. How can you possibly expect me
not to poke fun at him whenever I get the chance? For gods sake I used to give wedgies to people like him."
The 432: "Just how do you
expect to get elected with that
goofy haircut?"
GC: "This interview is over."
Gordon Campbell abruptly
ended the conference when the
questions started to get near the
heart of the real issues.
United States Radar bases are
refusing to confirm or deny the
existence of a second blip on the
radar screen. They have also
refused to confirm or deny the
existence of US AWAC Radar
planes flying consistent missions
over northern Canada.
However, Flip Epsen, ex-member
of the United States Armed
Forces has confirmed not only
the existence of a permanent
contingent of AWAC's flying over
northern Canada, but also the
existence of no less than three
captured alien space craft.
"The Man has been trying to get
these alien craft back on line
since the fifties man. It looks like
they succeeded and its the kids
who're gonna pay for it man."
btj Duirsca^
Chem Building Buried
under Fire and Brimstone
W«f nsssISM, mmm? 3
Much to the shock and dismay of many
undergraduate students, the Chemistry
Building was Burned to the ground on
Sunday when the "sky opened up and
rained down fire and brimstone."
Chemistry building officials have been
unable to explain the unusual events.
"I was working late in the lab," said masters student Chris Malloy, " when the roof
caved in and burning brimstone fell all
over the bench. It really screwed up my
The Chemistry department is currently
working frantically trying to find classroom space to hold the remaining classes
of the term. It will be up to students to
contact the department staff at their holiday resort in Cuba to determine which of
their classes will be affected.
The environmental damage has yet to be
assessed. However without any scientific
backing, local Uberbiologist David Suzuki
has stated the former site of the chemistry
building to be "the worst disaster this side
of Texas". Several members of the
Hollywood elite are currently enroute to
wash off imported seals during the brief
opportunities for photos.
Luckily no people have been hurt,,
although the room B160 was burned so
badly that police are unable to ensure that
nobody was inside.
The local RCMP have not been able to rule
out foul play, and are looking for several
chief suspects.
"Well, we have quite a bit of evidence
pointing to the culprit, but we're just waiting for the final piece of the puzzle to
ensure a conviction," said Staff Sargauent
Bob Mcjouarheep.
RCMP are requesting help in locating for
questioning a large deity with white flowing gowns, long beard and an ephemeral
appearance. If seen please do not approach
as he is considered all holy and dangerous
as hell.
Luckily the staff of the 432 was not in the
building at the time. The intrepid 432 staff
was actively pursuing leads at Elwood's on
Broadway when the alleged incident took
place. page two
I Bent My Wookie
What happens if your travelling
in your car at the speed of
light and you stick your ass
out the window and fart while holding a
lighter by your puckered starfish? Does
your ass explode or what. I really wonder
what would happen if you did it out of
the back window. Maybe that would be
the final thrust needed to blow you past
the speed of light. Is this the theory
behind the hyperdrive on the
Millennium Falcon? I always wondered
what they ate on those long inter stellar
flights. And where the hell is the bathroom? Maybe if you control the force
you don't need to go to the bathroom.
What a relief that would be. Then I
could order the large coke when I go to
the movies and not worry about having
to get up during the best part of the
Is that a mis-use of the force? Can you
get impeached for not using the power
of the force for what it is made for?
There's really only two appropriate uses
of the force. Firstly, taking over the universe. Now apparently universal peace
and harmony under the wise and loving
leadership under one benevolent emperor is the "Dark" side of the force.
The other use of the force is fighting the
dark side of the force. These so called
supporters of the so -called light side of
the force only want to wreck the system.
We don't want to pay tax so we'll just get
some ships and start blowing shit up.
It'll be really cool. No wonder the
emperor wanted to build a death star. I
think calling it the death star was a mistake. The Emperor could have called it
his Solar Sanctuary, or perhaps Loyalty
Insurance. Death Star is just a little to
menacing. If I could control the force I
think I'd appreciate more of the little
things. Having control of the Force
could have some serious benefits.
What about getting better reservations
for dinner.
"You want to give us the table on the
"We want to give you the table on the
Does this fall into the light or dark side
of the force.
What about using the telekinesis to get
yourself another beer from the kitchen.
No more studying when you can read
the teachers mind.
Speeding tickets would be a thing of the
Don't even get me started on how
handy it would be at the bar. Boy did
luke ever miss out on using the force.
The one hot chick in the galaxy and
she's his sister.
What do Jedis do on their days off? I'm
sure with the amount of work they do
and all of the travelling they would
throw some serious barn burner parties.
They would have some serious stress
reduction needs. I think if I were a Jedi
I'd probably Just sit back and relax with
a cold beer and the hologram projector
tuned to the latest intergalactic soccer
match, or maybe I'd wash my speeder-
bike, or maybe go to Mos Eisly and cut
up some blue or green aliens with my
light saber.
Boy there's a handy tool. How cool
would it be to have a light saber. No
more problems with ice cream that's too
hard. No problem with locking your
keys in the car. Who needs a can opener? You'd never need a stove to cook a
hot dog. And you thought pepper spray
was good for self defence. Try loping off
one of your attacker's arms.
Now you now the emperor used the
force to get chicks. How else is a wrinkly
old decrepit man like that going to
score? Well he is the emperor. He could
threaten to kill the girl, but how much
fun would that be?
Luke never used the force at the bar.
Luke had some really bad luck with girls.
Seventy billion girls in the universe and
the one he has to spend the most time
with turns out to be his sister. But he
never even tried with anybody else.
Maybe he had low testosterone.
Either that or he has really bad gas.
Blood, Guts and Lara Croft
<£ K* If
It's a great time to be alive. It's an
even better time to be a video game
player. There's something to be said
for any culture which creates a technology that enables people to waste their
time in so many highly entertaining
(and, oddly, often gory) ways. Today's
technology is unparalleled at delivering
non-stop, full frame, pulse-pounding
multiple-polygon excitement, all at one
low, low price. With the Christmas season coming on, game companies are
unleashing their newest creations and
cutting prices on older products and
hardware. PlayStations are cheap, and
N64 systems may have their first blockbuster hit with the return of the ever
popular Zelda series. Even the Game
Boy's making a comeback with a colour
model (not those awful coloured cases
but a full colour display, compatible
with the existing library of Game Boy
games). But, of all things most eagerly
awaited for release this season, it is those
games which specialise in the refinement and presentation of a particular
brand of graphics, weapons, gore and
rabid multiplayer action. Case in point,
Heretic II. It fixes everything that was
wrong with Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider
was a nice exploration and puzzle-solving game which pandered primarily to
the repressed male audience (ages 14-28)
and supported a pro-feminism stance
whose echoes can be heard in the bub-
blegum pop of the Spice Girls. Heretic II,
on the other hand, takes all of Tomb
Raiders textures and fluidity of movement and adds a sorely-needed amount
of carnage. Limbs get hacked off, zombies get decapitated, flying stinging
things get fried with magic. It's all good,
clean fun. Case in point, the upcoming
game Oni. You play another Tomb
Raider-esque character, but the range of
motion is fluid and the environment is
definitely on the heavy side of the gore
equation. Touted as the first "full contact" action game, you can get your character to run, guns blazing into a room.
When your clip's empty, toss your guns,
tuck into a roll and kick the guard in the
groin. Twist his arm, grab his gun and
shoot him with it. When the action gets
too intense, jump off the balcony, land
on the guards below, kill the lights, toss
a concussion grenade back up, and take
a rolling dive out the nearest window.
Now that's action that beats any Die
Hard sequel or Van Damme groaner any
day. And then there's the capper, the
"ready to be released any day now" Myth
II: Soulblighter, sequel to the best selling
game Myth: The Fallen Lords (and not
to be confused with the really arty Myst,
which was a glorified, eye-candy
enhanced Choose Your Own
Adventure). The programmers at Bungie
have really done a wonder this time,
with a more elaborate physics and object
model. This translates into being able
to watch body parts bounce really high,
spraying blood and splattering the
ground beneath them after a molotov
cocktail gets thrown into a group of
guards. Action, strategy and gore. What
more could you want?
Sure, there exist many detractors of this
modern genre of high speed, delirium
inducing, carpal tunnel syndrome forming games, who yearn for the simple
cheerfulness offered in the depths of
such classic arcade favorites as Pac Man
and Asteroids. But, I think, these people
fail to understand the very basic concept
that underlies the popularity of shoot-
em-ups like Quake II or Marathon.
People are, underneath (sometimes not
very far underneath), inherently spiteful, misanthropic bastards who enjoy
nothing so much as seeing other people
ground beneath their heels in humiliating but entertaining ways.
There's a visceral thrill to be had when
you unload a rocket launcher at near
close range into the turned back of your
enemy and watching his entrails splatter
against the far wall. There's something
satisfying about the twitch-thrill of
doing a high speed turn around a corner,
ending up face-to-face with your opponent and trying to get off a couple of
shots with your nail gun before you're
turned into so much bloody tofu.
Best of all, the violence is fairly car-
toonish violence, continuing that
dichotomy already being reinforced by
dozens of television shows (take classic
G.I. Joe for example: here's this highly
trained anti-terrorist force, armed with
the coolest weapons illegal Pentagon
slush funds can buy, and they haven't
killed a single Cobra agent in years).
People know that no-one's getting hurt
when they take a round to the head in
an online deathmatch. And after a particularly stressful day, there's a certain
satisfaction to be gained from releasing
pent-up aggressions in virtual combat,
rather than, say, your dog or your brother. Heck, if you've got a local, in-house
network, play against your brother and
have a good time blowing each other to
bits rather than expressing your negative
energies by delivering a high-speed noo-
gie. Remember, the family that games
together sustains fewer overall bruises
that have to be. explained come dinner.
Ultimately, it's a wonderful world when
you can get rewarded for blowing somebody's online representation away without doing any real psychological harm.
And with the introduction of the
Player's Gaming League, playing these
games can now be a viable way of life.
For the low, low cost of registration, one
can join a community of expert gamers,
all gunning to grind each other into the
virtual dust in order to win the season's
prize. Players get together online to
practice maneuvers. Regular schedules
have been set up for matches, with adjudicators and spectators looking on.
Good players, like good athletes, can get
endorsement deals from game hardware
manufacturers. Tournaments sport
prizes as high as ten grand in cash. And
a Ferrari. So the next time you get hassled for playing your games, just turn to
them and say, "Back off, man, I'm an
athlete in training". Kinda makes you
feel good about all those times your parents kept saying "you'll never make anything of yourself if you keep playing
these games."
So enjoy your Christmas season, and
keep your thumb on the trigger.
Volume 12 Issue 6    ——
© 1998 The Scienll Uii<derg|bduate
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.
The 432 is the offiael^wspaper of the
Science Undergraduate Sogety, i published
fbijpigjitly byttte Fed^a^.5^nn4ssion on
Ajjfopnions express^,'JHfeirein lire strictly
tlffse of the irtdMdu^? writers jpr| not
those^j The 432 or th»iScienc«^Ir^p?rad
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent. Sexual
favours may or may not be required. No
musikrats will be permitted to enter. And
now for ten seconds of sex.
Cpaii "female
drtemple @ interchg.uDc.ca
®§" itsfullofstars@penis.com
Assistant Bitor
Jake Spay
smeghead @ penis.com
Jate Iclitaf
i, Mytes MGHunH
toily Martin
Jay fitreli
Jens iacfly
Bpeeoim Baxter
Jake Gray ■
0. iyles Bclfiiiit ■S^-S^S "sSa*.^,-,,-:
Anything's Better Than Voyager
It's getting to be that time of year
again when the big TV networks are
canceling a bunch of shows and trying out new ones. When I see lists of the
new shows that are coming to network
TV, it makes me wonder about the people who come up with these things.
Some of the failed pilots out there are
pretty stupid and I think I could come
up with better ones. So, here's my list of
Miss Jenn's Network Pitches for the 1999
TV Season...
When Folk Singers Attack - Shot in the
same gritty style as the classic When
Animals Attack series, When Folk
Singers Attack is a shocking look at the
underside of the hippie subculture gone
horribly wrong.    Footage includes the
1971 Kumbaya Massacre, in which a
campfire singalong turned into a towering inferno of death, as well as Art
Garfunkel vs Paul Simon kumate.
Shown with the ten minute short film
"The Kennedy Assassination: What the
Folk Singers Don't Want You to Know"
which presents a new theory about who
killed Kennedy. You'll never ride past
the Jericho Folk Fest in a convertible
ever again.
MacGuyver: The Next Generation -
Starring Jonathan Lipnicki (the kid from
Jerry Maguire) as MacGuyver's son. Mac
Jr Inherits his Dad's knack for getting
into and out of trouble, which results in
some crazy situations at his nursery
school! In the first episode, Mac Jr is
forced to defend the school against
Colombian Drug Lords. He outwits
them by building a bomb from 8 Fisher
price Little People and a WetNap, and
creates a detonator using RC car remote
controls. At the right moment, Mac Jr
takes a crafty wee on the remote control,
thereby completing the circuit and
blowing the drug lords into next week.
M.O.P.S - Another hard-hitting real-life
series, M.O.P.S follows the men and
women in grey - highschool janitors all
across North America who work hard to
sweep and protect. Follow real janitors
throughout their day as they respond to
countless crises - vomiting in the washroom, nosebleed stains in the hall, pee
on the carpet in the Special Ed room.
Jumpin' With Jesus - A Sunday morning exercise program designed to give
you, the churchgoer, a light workout
before morning mass. Join The Saviour
himself for a low-impact, high-salvation
workout suitable for all ages and fitness
Deep South Park - Designed for our
viewers in Georgia, Alabama, Kentucky,
and Arkansas, Deep South Park features
those loveable 8 year-olds in situations
that Southerners can relate to. Episodes
include: "Cartman Gives an Anal
Probe", "Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Still",
and "Cartman's Father is Actually His
Grandfather, Uncle, and First Cousin".
Ally McButter - The ups and downs of
a kooky butter substitute trying to find
her way in life.
You'd think at least one of those would
get picked up, wouldn't you?
Anyway, Happy <insert holiday hero
to all of you. I hope you all get what you
want under the tree. If anyone wants to
send me a) money b) beer or c) any
member of Sloan, you can send parcels
to: The Miss Jenn Christmas Appeal, c/o
the 432, Chem B160, UBC.
I'd like to see That 370's BC Show. It
would follow the wacky lives of Greek
nobility. In the pilot, Andopopolis will
crash an orgy that he wasn't invited to.
Hilarity ensues, -ed
Hey you'}
Cot 3 few quick programming fingers, and want to show them off?
Enter the CSSS Science Week Relay Contest! No programming
experience required, just need to form a team of three people, show
tip, have fun, and win some really cool prizes. Semi-finals are on
Wednesday, January 27^ and Finals are on Friday, January 29*'
BOTH ARE HELP AT SUB ROOM 205!!!!! Sign up at the CSSS office
(back of Rick's lab, old C5 building). Sign up fee is one can of non-
perishable goods per person, all proceeds go to charity.   See you then
Is Math Getting you Down?
r ■>■■■■■■■:-.*m
aii iMir
Math Exams are now on sale in the
math club in the Math Annex.
Old exams available for Math 100,
140,200 and 215. Here's a Sample
question from Math 432
Question 1. Prove the Following.
Aries: March 21 -
April 19: While self-
medicating can be
harmless enough in
the summer, the combination of those caffeine pills and the
excessive alcohol you are pondering will
not make your exam grades go up. This
is especially applicable to those pre-med
hopefuls out there. You should know. In
fact, you should know
Taurus: April 20 -
May  20:   Put  the  cell
j Nfjjr*   phone back up your ass,
*r stop dressing in those
god-damn DKNY clothes, and go for a
walk in the woods. Find a mountain top,
wrap yourself in plastic and commune
with the elements. It's ok to stop shaving. It's ok to talk to the squirrels. It'll be
good practice for after the bomb goes
«^).X-^> Gemini: May 21
sO ? ^O^ June 20: You are a Per_
son who likes to wear
^ tinfoil on your head to
* keep out the bad alien
transmissions. Rest
assured, they ARE out to get you, the
mothership IS hovering over your shed,
and Bill Gates IS out to steal your synaptic patterns.
Cancer: June 21 -
fpr \JJ|       July 22: If you have
""" 'CTv     the   opportunity  to
*fyt head home for the
holidays, refuse. Stay
as far away as possible
from any kind of
extended family gathering. Uncle Harry
wants someone to pull his finger, and
you'll be the first in line if you are there.
Leo: July 23 - August
22: Your exams will be
t t y^ perfect, your attitude
-rj J C* debonair, and your
Xmas gifts will be full of
cash. You also are a
gullible twit and believe everything that
you read. Give money to me and your
life will be swell.
Virgo: August 23 -
September 22: While the
urge to merge is hitting
banks across Canada, be
careful where, when and
with whom you choose to
fulfill this wish. I'd advise you against
doing it anywhere outside to avoid
unpleasant frostbite. Also avoid ladders,
bookcases, and the living room table.
One last thing, sleeping with any kind of
professor or TA (I didn't say T&A) before
exams are done can be seen as bribery,
and might result in academic probation.
Libra: September 23 -
October 22: While
Santa is red-dressed
| and jolly, the 'geers are
red-dressed and drunk.
You're a little too old to
be sitting in Santa's lap,
and far too naive to be sitting in a 'geer's
lap. This goes double if you are male.
Scorpio: October 23 -
November 21: This season, you will be kind to
your wonderful older sister, and pay her back that
$30 you owe her. You
*tess*r will   also   promise   to
never steal her gum again. If these conditions are met, you will one day be
more famous than John Coltrane.
A Sagittarius:
November 22 -
December 21: Don't
*"- be subtle about your
Xmas wants this
year. No one is getting those silly
hints. Be blunt, be
loud, and be repetitive. Ask for the big
ticket items, but don't bank on getting
them. Remember that great-aunt who's
about to kick the bucket, and visit her
lim {Craig's ass} = Fun!
where p is the platypus factor.
Capricorn: December
22 - January 19: Unless
you want your Xmas to
end as the most embarrassing moment in your
life, don't invite your parents over to your place
until after you have hidden the sex toys
and those incriminating photos of your
and your partner playing "Nancy, the
Naughty Nurse".
Aquarius: January 20 -
February 18: You are a won-
I derful person. Everyone likes
you. Your witty conversation
has people rolling in the
isles. The unplumbable
depths of your intelligence are second
only to your irresistable charm, not to
mention your stunningly attractive gael-
ic looks. If anyone knows an Aquarius,
buy them lots and lots of expensive presents. Soon.
jfm^kjfl   PiSCes: February 19 -
It      j^sL March 2(*  Remember,
^^gmf   ^^ school isn't everything.
^\    a. In   fact,   failing   that
l*^^^S     math class is probably
■**I^\/J)y    for the best. It will show
i"**^      you that you are not
perfect, the math prof is reprehensible,
you do belong in arts, and resistance is
futile. Oh yeah, you're going to die on
December 19th too. - .'wft'Sf, '-ri^rPfSfHSBWR W!"s* wo"**™1 si$Fjfi!>* s^sh^Se H*Hfb
Sweet, Salty, Sour, and..
It is my brilliant opinion that the
world is going to hell in a hand basket, and there is absolutely nothing I
can do to stop it. Recently, I'm not sure
that I want to. The only thing that will
cure the plague that is human civilization is the collapse of life as we know it,
and a total reconstruction. Now.
You may say, but Bree, why are you so
uncharacteristically pessimistic today?
Well, faithful reader, it's like this. I was
perusing my local paper, and a story hit
me in the head. Literally. My brother
tossed it to me. Students in Slurrey these
days are not getting any official education about various sexually transmitted
diseases. I'd bet that they are making up
for the lack of class time on the Thursday
nights behind the Dairy Queen. People,
think about this. HIV and Hep-B aren't
like other things you learn about in
school. Sure, you'll be just fine if you
can't multiply a polynomial after grade
12. It might be a bit harder to deal with
a case of genital herpes or HIV. Upon fur
ther reflection, I think I have the answer.
See, the Slurrey school board is made up
of some SET people (no clue what the
letters stand for, don't care) and these
people have said on a regular basis that
they are right-wing hard-core Christians.
I'd be fine with this normally, but I think
that in some little document, called the
Constitution of Canada, there is a separation of Church and State. In tiny
words for the illiterate high school grads
out there, this means that there is to be
NO religion in public school. Not any.
Yet the Slurrey school board continues to
promote its underhanded techniques,
like banning Planned parenthood from
high school sex-ed classes, and promoting abstinence at the expense of safe-sex
methods. Sure, abstinence is a great idea.
But try telling that to hormone crazed
adolescents. Does anyone ELSE see a
problem here?
That rather long paragraph is an example why we need to start over. Don't stop
at getting rid of the school board. Get rid
of organized education all together.
During my twelve years as a member of
the education system in Canada, I've
seen a great idea turn bad faster than you
can say, "Cartman gets an anal probe".
Things haven't changed a heck of a
lot. People are still dying. No
change in the standings. Leon Jang
is still on top with two confirmed
deaths, with miss Jenn and Duncan
McHugh running in close second with
one death each.
Neil Murphy has been disqualified for
breaking Official Dead Pool Rule No. 4.
He was caught sending hardcore
amputee porn to Kirk Douglas, with the
hopes of giving the old guy a coronary.
Some people to keep your eyes peeled
for in the next few weeks are: Este'e
Lauder, yes the inventor of the famous
cosmetic line is still kicking.
Larry Hagman, everybodies favorite bad
guy from t.v.'s Dallas, is still in the hospitable with liver cancer. Just a hint, any
cancer of the prostate, skin or blood is
good for a quick death. Breast cancer,
lung cancer, and cancer of the baby left
toe are all quite slow.
Johnny Cash has been on the brink for
about four months. His liver fails period-'
ically which can't be good for his regularity.
David Crosby is still as huge as ever.
Apparently he still drinks like a fish and
smokes a big fattie every day before
going to bed.
With movie "Meet Joe Black" out staring
Brad Pitt everybodies thoughts should be
veering towards grizely car accidents,
preferably involving Brad Pitt getting hit
be three or more cars. I'd just like to see
more blood when he gets hit.
Blood, guts, entrails, gore, brains spilt
and pulsating on the poly-acryllic tile
floor of the local Safeway. Legs torn from
their sockets with the tendons popping
and the bones cracking as the limbs are
seperated from the body. Hands hammered, guts gashed, toes trampled, penii
pierced, livers lanced, kidneys kicked,
and spleens splashed. Body parts causing
the floor to become dangerously slippery
requiring staff to put up warning signs.
I'm not saying this as a bitter disillusioned under-employed youth. My
brother is two years younger than me
(Yes, Bryn, I'm aware that it's 20 months,
but it's easier to say two years in this setting than to explain this to the reading
public), and I've seen what was working
fine for me and those of my grade
changed and beaten into warped form
by the time it was filtered through his
grade. I speak in this instance, of the
CAPP program. The Man is turning high
schools into the fast-food industry's personal hiring board. Kids are in school to
learn knowledge, not work for "community businesses" for free. Picture being in
co-op, only you get no pay. Work experience. At least my brother and others like
him who already HAD paying jobs could
use that as an excuse not to prostitute
themselves for the sake of public education.
While I'm talking about my brother,
I've discovered that he's not all that bad.
He has an awesome taste in music, even
if he does wear baggy pants. I think we
really had to get some space between us
(he moved out this year) so I could realize that he is a person, not a strange
growth in the carpet. He's up in North
Van doing school this year. I was thinking about most of the kids who were in
his grade, who are doing the same thing
as they have been for the last few years:
hanging around White Rock. Those, and
the rest of the children who hang
around the service station on
Wednesday nights, need some responsibility. Get a haircut and get a real job.
Selling crack to farmers in Whalley does
not count as employment. I think we
should reintroduce army enlistment
back to today's youth. Get those slackers
doing something constructive, like hiking across the mountains at the whim of
some sadistic drill sergeant. At the very
least, it might stop the rabid infection of
hooded sweatshirts and nine foot wallet
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I
only have no faith in the future of
humanity. If you need to find me, I'll be
making plans to cryogenicly freeze my
brain until medical science either finds a
way to fix everything, or the power goes
/ can see it now. At Bre's 'funeral' there
will be a messy scandal. Jay will need medical assistance to remove his toungue from
the body, -ed
T-Minus 10 Seconds...
Sara Stamm
<„ mmtBP o$ttem§§ Si
Don't you think that emotions
have a way of diffusing themselves over the entire radius of
the campus? Last week was the generi-
cally worst week I have ever encountered
before in my life, and final exams
haven't even started yet! Every person I
had the energy to talk to had some sort
of gripe story to tell me in great detail. I
love being one of those wonderful
friends who always listens to everyone
with an understanding air. I'll tell you a
little secret though, I practice that
understanding air in the mirror when
I'm brushing my teeth. That way, it just
comes naturally to me, and I actually
have time to either concentrate on what
the person is saying, or just let my mind
wander to more or	
less important matters. Usually I do
try to listen, but
only with one ear.
The other ear is
eavesdropping on
someone else's private sob story, and
the rest of my conscious mind is occupied with my own
sad situation. It gets
old quickly.
The solution to all
of this, you know, is
just to get high. I
mean it. High!
Literally. Go hang-
liding or skydiving
or bungee jumping
or something that
will completely
assume control over
all your physical
sensations and leave
no room for you to
notice anything
I suppose you could
get high too, and
then all the input
you would be
receiving while flying through the
cold, thin air would
overload your poor
fried brain cells leaving you in the permanent state in which you were in when
it happened. Now that could be fun!
Imagine, being in a constant state of
adrenaline and friedness.
I think that would make for some very
interesting encounters with your mortal
enemies. I'll leave your personal scenarios up to you, but I know what I would
do. I would use my adrenalinally
enhanced strength to send that person
flying, straight into,... ooops, sorry, I
thought that it was an open door, not a
window! Well, since you had to go and
BREAK the window, why don't you go
outside and examine the damage you've
done. I'm sure a really close up view
would be a good idea. A really close up
view! And so on and so on, and... well,
imagination provides the rest. Of course
it would be just my luck to discover that
that was just a drug induced dream, and
none of that ever occurred.
Speaking of dreams, what if life is just a
dream? What if we're only dreaming
J dreamt once that I, and my friend Mike,
were in charge of CiTR. For some reason
the radio station was being shut down, and
we were operating illegally. Suddenly
George Clooney came in his big, blue
Dodge pick-up to shut us down. I don't
remember much of the dream, but it
involved lots of jumping out of windows
and shooting guns. I knew that that was a
dream and not real life, because two equally absurd things happened. One was that I
could leap out third story windows
unscathed. The second was that CiTR didn't suck and that there were more than 12
listeners at any given time, -ed
FROM THE LAB. 12.3.98
page five
The Sexy, The Bad, The Good, and
The Ugly: or Spot the Perverts!
From Left to right: extraordinarily
attractive S.U.S Social Coordinator,
Miss Jenn, Angry Drunk
Scottish P.R.O. Jake Gray, Small,
Frightened First Year Artsie
Michelle Mossop, and E.U.S 2nd
Vice P.K.U.
This picture comes from the Wine
and Cheese that we had last
month. It sure was fun. Especially
when P.K.U attempted to molest all
of us. That was one to write home
Highlights of the day included:
Craig, Miss Jenn, and Jake beginning their all-day boozefest at
12:30, and continuing during
Science Council that afternoon,
downloading Spacemoose analrape
cartoons in ZooLab, and then rub-!
bing ourselves with tiny squirrels!
we had rounded up from nearby
At some point later in the night,
this partcular photograph was taken.
Miss Jenn had, unfortunately, sobered
up by this point. Jake was on his way to
sober. Michelle was wandering around,
dazed, trying to figure out what the large
red thing behind her was. It was P.K,
who had been chasing her all night. P.K
stands for Pumpkin King. After his
behaviour that night, we renamed him
"Special" bus to school. This picture
defines the night. Note the sultry look
on Miss Jenn's face. Note Jake looking
bitter. And just look at young Michelle
and the endlessly charming P.K.U. This
picture is so romantic that Hallmark is
P.K.U, which stands for phenyl
ketonuria. If you have P.K.U, you get to
wear a hockey helmet to school, use the
safety scissors all the time, and ride the
trying to get distribution rights to use it
on their Valentine's cards. It fails, however, to capture the true glory of the
moment when P.K.U decided to tackles
E.U.S Pres Newf, who was sitting on a
table across the room. Every molecule of
P.K.U's being banded together to form a
dense wall of drunkeness, which
careened across the room and hit Newf
from the backside. I'm sure Newf was
initially relieved that it wasn't one
of *those* kinds of backside
attacks, but the relief probably dissipated when he realized he was
lying on an alcohol-covered floor
in a pile of broken glass.
We finally managed to persuade
P.K.U to leave by bribing him with
a bottle of wine. Apparently he
took a bit of swim in the outdoor
pool on his way home. His whereabouts are still unknown.
ake went home.
Miss Jenn went to someone else's
Michelle is currently in therapy.
This note is from Miss Jenn, not
Craig. Craig did not write this article.
\A very beautiful brunette with long
legs and perfect abs sat on Craig's lap
and wrote the whole thing. So if you
don't like it, direct all comments to
Sherilyn Fenn. She was in Boxing Helena,
which is Craig's favourite movie. He has a
thing for amputee women, -jenn
Class Act
Graduating Class Gift Campaign
We are looking for enthusiatic
graduating students looking
to help out with canvassing
graduating students for
donations. Monies raised will
go towards a gift to be
donated back to our faculty.
We also need ideas for
potential gifts which as a
graduating class we can give
back to the school.
If you are interested in getting
some volunteer hours or have
good ideas for gifts please
Microbrew Contest
Contact Anna Lee
-   - «-~^.        aflee@interchange.uDC.fa _
Tor more info
udging on Jan.
'< $;.    t   <t
;   &£.
More Fun
Than a Two"*"*-?"■
Dollar Whore!
No Entry Fee! page six
Yes, He's in Ails
- Jfoa. ~" ———~,
Hallelujah midterms are over.
Time to sit back relax and get so
wasted that you forget everything that you've learned so far. At least
that's what you should be able to do
except that MID-TERMS don't end until
the last fricking week of November. This
makes me question the profs understanding of the word MID-TERM but
that is a topic for another day's rant. So
without further ado or other such crap I
present MOZ's Study tips, which are
guaranteed to improve your GPA
Never study when you're sober. You'll
be amazed at how much more sense
your third year theoretical physics text
makes when you're too bombed to open
the text without assistance. This applies
to philosophy too, after all both physics
and philosophy started with a bunch of
drunk Greeks and if it was good enough
for Socrates then it's sure as hell good
enough for your final. Alcohol also
makes an excellent reward mechanism.
For example try taking a shot after every
math problem you do. Some might
whine and say that you have 40 questions, but my response to this is don't
worry you'll stop caring after the first 15
Take your profs advice and study with a
friend, or more specifically have a friend
study for you. No need for you to do
any work so get your friend to read
everything for you and then provide you
with a short and comprehensive explanation of the material. Realistically how
much material is there in a course like
organic chem? Surely it could be summarized in a sentence or two. I generally ask for such information just before
we enter the exam as that way it is fresh
in my head, although the last time I did
this I didn't quite understand the reaction mechanism that my friend showed
me. It was something like UR + sc —
r,E—> wD. Nonetheless I maintain that
this is an excellent way to learn a course
in very little time.
Obviously the above methods and all
methods listed work best if you do them
the night before the final. This ensures
that everything you memorize will be
fresh in your mind. Many of you are
very familiar with this strategy as it
worked so well in high school. I promise
that there is no more information in
University level courses such as
Microbiology'201, for example, than
there is in grade 11 biology. So remember you're not procrastinating your
effectively managing your time to maximize your studying efficiency.
Often associated with the aforementioned study method is sleep deprava-.
tion, and together they lead to astounding results. It is a good idea, then, to not
sleep for 48 hours prior to your exam.
That way you will be nice and laid back
come the test, and will not be distracted
by such unimportant things as the right
answer/wrong answer dilemma or that
rather loud bald guy who keeps yelling
out something about 10 minutes... 5
minutes... time up etc.
Always study where there are lots of
possible distractions. This way you will
know if you have worked long enough
because your mind will start to wander.
When this happens you know you've
worked too hard. Take a break find some
friends and drink until you discover how
irrelevant tomorrow's final is in the
whole scheme of things. A few good
places to study would be then, a concert,
a club, east Hastings, or The No. 5
It has been statistically proven that
there is a negative correlation between
the time spent studying and your mark
on the final. So the less time you spend
studying the better you'll do. If, however, this piece of information comes too
late and you have already spent more
than 2 hours studying don't panic.
Simply smash your head repeatedly
against a cement wall until you can't
remember anything. Note that it is a
good idea to have clean underwear and
some picture I.D. on you before attempting this strategy. Now you're probably
all wondering how much studying is too
much studying- Well there is a simple
and effective method used to determine
this. Simply take the number of hours
you've spent on homework thus far in
the semester and divide it by 2. Of
course this only works if you've done
less than 6 hours of homework in the
course. If you have some sick and twisted infatuation with homework and have
done more than six hours then don't
bother studying since you probably
know it all.
When you're actually writing the exam
never use any of the hints our suggestions that the prof may provide. Take
such hints as personal insults to your
intelligence as the prof is saying that
without help you couldn't do what
Newton, or whomever, did.   Both you
and I know this is a total crock, I mean
who was this Newton guy? F=ma come
on I learned that in grade 11.   I really
don't know why everybody thinks so
highly of Newton; after all he never even
attended an Ivy league college.
One last thing. You're exam is your last
chance to show everybody what you've
learned in the course and provide the
prof with some public feedback. So don't
pass up the last opportunity you may
ever have to yell explicatives at your professor in front of hundreds of people.
You know you've been thinking about it
for a while, and an exam is the perfect
time to do it. As to whether or not you
should give them your name I leave that
up to you; after all you have to learn
some things on your own.
Moz is a very strange individual. He
showed up one night and started telling us
all how funny we were. We weren't quite
sure whether he was going to lick the bottom
of our shoes or kill us in a frenzy of knife
wielding and axe flinging.
So far we're stuill alive, but Moz's motives
remain unclear.
He still shows up only on production
nights, eats some food, says a few stupid
things then disappears back into the
night.Outside of production night, I'm not
even sure he exists. For all I know he could
be a minion of Satan sent solely to through
a wrench in the holy plans of the 432 staff,
or he could be an angel sent by god to save
the 432 staff from eternal damnation.
We bacame especially concerned on
Saturday night. We were doing the usual
production procrastination and ended up
searching the Internet for porn. Apparently
Moz felt a little uncomfortable when we got
the good sites.
He high tailed out of the office, presumably
to return to his cave before the sun came up.
All things said though, he has submitted
evrything on time, editted and almost the
proper size.
Something must be wrong
with him.
-Asst. ed 12.3.98
page seven
The Drawers of SUS
Or: Why I Hate die SUS Execiitfve with the Possible
Exceptions ol Join Gardy and Jake Gray
President IJ
"ohn, our faithful president has yet to submit one word to me as far as an exec
blurb goes. If you are an incredibly astute
eader, you might have noticed that John had
.    _        a presidential blurb in both the last issue and the Guide '98.
JOllll ■ OlIFniei* However, his piece in the Guide was written by yours truly,
and last issue's blurb was courtesy of Jake Gray.
Now I'm pretty sure that SUS has a President, and I'd put a few bucks on the fact
that our prez is John Fournier, but I'll be damned if I knew what the hell he has done
so far this year. What exactly does the president of a faculty undergraduate society
do? I'd be quite interested to find out, and I'm sure that you would too. So, with
thousands of students eagre to hear what John has to say and an available forum
open to him every two weeks, what does John do? Well, as far as I can tell, he sits on
Council and occasionally comes into SUS with a Slurpee™.
I invite John to defend his honour in the first issue of the next year. He can explain
at length what exactly it is that he does from day to day. So, now that the gauntlet
has been thrown to the ground, will John choose to pick it up? Will he be man
enough to reply? Or will he run tail tucked and shame-faced to the nearest high
school to seek consolement from April? Tune in next term to find out.
hile I of all people    should
that   sometimes _
Kathryn Murray
was having a conversation
with Andy earlier tonight
about which exec positions
External Veep
¥    ¥   a
it's okay to shirk some of your
responsibilities so that you can
work and earn a bit of extra
dough, Alex should have plenty of time to whip
up a few words on what's going on money-wise.
Alex works with John Hallett over at WebCT.
Now this may be a pattented John-Story™, but
I have been told that most of their time is
occupied by playing poker and downloading
and encoding MP3's off the internet. I don't
want to sound like a broken reccord, but I
think the lazy bastard can take a few minutes
out of his schedule to write a couple words.
have the easiest or toughest jobs. The position with the most work to do is definitely the Director of Publications. That person needs to put out this paper thirteen times
a year, and there's also the Guide to do which is roughly equivalent to two years of
publishing the 432 squeezed into a couple of months of the Summer. I digress though
—it is easy to start the cycle of self-pity when I'm writing in this box—, nexrt on the
list of tough jobs is External Vice. This exec has the tremendous responsibility of coordinating Science Week. This job completely drains the peson in charge, and is pretty thankless.
However, the brunt of this work is done solely in the first few weeks of the second
term. The Ext. Vice doesn't do a hell of a lot throughout the rest of the year. Come
into SUS sometime and ask her about it, she will sink her claws into you and talk to
you untill your eyes rtoll back into your head. Kat likes to talk about SW so much
that once she gets started, most of the exec's spirits leave their bodies and we all meet
up on the spectral plane and continue our meetings there, with our bodies
back on Earth nodding occasionally. So, certainly Kat has time to pen
a few words about Science Week.
'must tread light-v,/"
ly here. The
.movie most representative       of
Aarne was
decided by flame Hamalainen
the SUS populace to be Falling Down, so I don't want to be
the one to set him off. Regardless, I've had
I tons of requests for a hockey pool update, yet
f»        still there's nothing from our Sports guy.
' And I'm sure that you'd all like to know how
to join the execrable Bandicoots and other
intramural teams, but nooooo. Aarne's too
busy to bother with you.
^nemn^    j
The Drawers
of SUS.
Jenn Gardy
I  v
JL t
thanks to everyone
who  came out to
the November bzzr
garden - thanks to ski club there was a pretty low
turnout, but that means we probably lost way less than
we thought so you can all give me a big round of applause. ~*   ^pft j*
It also means that we're probably quite under budget for the 4F «fy 3|
year so far, so you can all give me a standing ovation... Anyway,
the Mach 3's put on a awesome show despite the small crowd, and we
are DEFINITELY going to be inviting them back to play one of our next events.
There is no Golden Pacemaker or Golden Mop Award for this event, so I am going
to give out the Golden Patio Lantern Award to John Hallett, Jer Thorp, and Tim
Ambler, who graciously donated their backyard decor to me for the evening, and also
to Ian Neville, who had to help me take them all down from the guys' patio AND
who also had to stand on a table and put them all up in 207/209.
Science Week is coming up at the end of January, and on Friday, January 29th we're
having our annual COLD FUSION PARTY. It's the one time of year when I get to
have a really big band, and more bzzr than you can shake a stick at. Stay tuned for
an announcement of who will be headlining, and just how much bzzr there's gonna
be. In the interim, think about helping me out -1 need people to help sell tickets as
well as people to set up, sell bzzr, pour bzzr, and clean up. You get a whole bunch of
cool stuff if you help me out, free bzzr being the least of it.
Have a good holiday, and remember the egg nog puke is really pretty ugly.
Miss Jenn's great, she's very good about submitting her exec reports on time, and they're
always nice to read, -ed
enry's a real piece ~
of work Not only Henry Wono
does he show up
late for every single council meeting, but he insists on
screaming orders at everybody throughout said meetings.
9 ■*   " He keeps telling people who complain that there is nothing
that they can do constitutionaly to keep him from shouting at
everybody. A couple of meetings ago, he threw a screaming fit which
eded with him throwing a bottle of blue ink at our very own Miss Jenn.
I think I'll take a look at what the constitution says about not writing exec reports
and throwing objects at other executives.
Me Gray
Internal VP
"ake is the biggest helper on
production weekends, and he
usually has an interesting report, so I can't com-
fain too much about him. This weekend though has
been an exception. Not only did he not write a blurb, Q-
but he spent a whole bunch of time working on his Biology group project, thus preventing anybody else from doing any work on the paper.
In his defense, I was a lazy bastard all weekend and probably wouldn't have done
work if he wasn't, and he did write a pretty funny article. Also, Jake can alway's be
counted upon to break shit, and that's pretty cool.
Look for the Canned Food Drive of Doom coming soon from Jake. As part of his
duties as PRO, he must extort, steal, and beg for copious quantities of foodstuffs to
be donated to a needful charity. That is if it doesn't fall prey to hungry SUS hacks.
Well, we don't have an Internal
Vice right now on account of
our last one spontaneously
combusting one day during council, so I
can't very well expect a report. But I'd
rarely get a report from her anyway, so
the same bullshit applies.
Turn the page to see a nifty ad asking
you, yes you to think about running for
the position of Internal Vice President
of the Science Undergraduate Society.
WHILE YE CAN! page eight
SWM Seeks 2 Subserviant BiWF
Okay, dagnabbit, if everybody
else gets to talk relationship
humour, I get to too. Of
course, I want to do a general observation, and not a personal one.
Mostly becuase I want you laughing
with me, not at me. True, it's been
over a year since one silly girl who I'd
gone out with a few times, hopped up
on painkillers, let the word
'boyfriend' slip (without the words
'Leave me alone, you sick bastard, or
I'll call my' attached). Yes, I've been
unattached for over a year now, but
that's the price you pay for having
straight A's while holding onto your
job as world class body builder. And
ya know, I kind of like it this way.
If you read my articles regularly
(good for you!) you may notice that at
times I curse, I'm obnoxious and tend
to make a few too many sexually
deviant references, but that's when
I'm with the right company. When
I'm with women, I'm like a enuch. I
never say things like 'bitch', 'chick' or
'you got a thing for tongue studs?'. I
also lay off the all the other fun stuff,
like quoting Terrance and Philip and
the unparalleled fun of 'How far away
can you pee into the urinal?'.
Women always seem to be complaining that we menfolk don't seem to
treat them right. This is true.
Everytime I hold a door open for a
lady, she just stands there with a confused look on her face until she starts
looking like a 'toon thrown in the dip
and faints in confusion. But, to be
brutally honest, I think the way we
treat them in general is fair, because
women really don't treat us any better.
The rule on how to act around a
woman are fairly simple, and can be
picked up pretty easily: Just treat
them as if they were the most important things in the world to you.
However, the rules for women on how
to act with a man, while pretty much
as simple, the basics just don't seem
to register with the female (or
'Double-X') population.
Now girls, I'm not going to tell you
everything (that would be cheating),
but I'll give you some pointers. Some
are from personal experience, some
are reports from friends, and some I
got from a random sample of interviews from the local sanitarium during my last treatm...um, volunteer
visit, during which I help the poor
souls who don't quite fit into our
Let's bring it down:
When we are doing something
together, and another good looking
male crosses your view, it is:    ,
a) bad if you ogle him
b) worse if you point him out to me,
and ask my opinion
c) much worse if you tell me each
and every little detail of what makes
him so attractive to you
d) so bad you wouldn't, believe it if
you tell me what you'd like to do
with him if you had him alone for
five minutes in a medival dungeon
with a cauldron of boiling chocolate.
e) God would vomit if you do d) and
the guy in question is a flaming
You keep saying how little looks
count to you compared to the personality of a guy. I have eight words for
you: bee, you, el, el, es, ayech, aye,
tee! I don't think I've ever heard girls
talk about the personality of guys
above their looks. Ever. You girls are
as self-centered around looks as we
are, and it's high time you admitted
it. How would you feel if I started
pointing out all of the tall, hour-glass
shaped, perfect complextion blondes
that walked by while we were together? You'd castrate me with a pair of
needle-nose pliers for being such an
insensitive bastard if I even began to
do that, wouldn't
Even if I am such a gentleman, do
not refer me, to someone who might
know me (and blabber it to everybody
who knows me), as a 'perfect gentleman'. This is pretty damn embarrassing if I base my popular reputation on
violent and sexist works of script. No
woman under 35 years old (when the
threat of ye old resevoir drying up
becomes reality) wants a perfect gentleman, they want a slack-jawed jerk.
Don't ask me why, it's just one of the
dumb things they do. Telling everybody that I'm polite and all that will
kill any worth I have with the
younger female crowd. I mean, I am
bad: I drive a '82 Chev. pickup (no,
not a lime green Volkswagen), play
guitar, frequent heavy metal concerts,
have almost been arrested for drive-by
shooting, and get pretty fuckin' drunk
pretty fuckin' often. So there.
On the same note as No. 2: If I
divulge sensitive information to you,
in complete confidence, do not
scream "YOU MEAN YOU'RE A VIRGIN!!!?" across the crowded room.
This is bad...this is very bad...this is
very, very bad. This also applies to
above phrase in the form of a question.
Off limit conversation topics (besides
the cute guy across the room who's
holding his leg in a very flamboyant
position) are:
a)menstration and related topics
'down under'
b)that bitch hussy who's going to pay
for what she did to you
c)strange diet choices
d)anything to do with Party of Five,
Dr.Quinn, or Titanic (the best part
was when the guy fell off the back of
the boat and hit the propeller, miff
A lot of these conversations I can
stand, even flourish in, but for the
majority of the Y-chromosomes on
earth, it's just not a good topic.
If we've been going casual for a couple of months and then you stop seeing me because you 'just don't have
the time', do not then run off for a
two week jaunt up to Whistler with
another guy a month later. Though
you may not realize it, it kind of sucks
ass when you do that.
Do not, under any circumstances,
disturb me when the playoffs are on.
When the score is tied, with two minutes to go, do not stand between me
and the screen and list off the things
you want me to go to the store and
get for you. This also applies to climaxes of four hour long movies and
any new South Park, X-Files or
Simpsons Episodes.
See, it's not that hard, now is it? A
few simple rules, really just plain-old
common sex, I mean sense, to follow
to make us happy.
Well that's it 'till Christmas. I'm
praying to Santa every night, but
Mommy keeps saying that he can't fit
Natasha Henshrige wrapped in a black
leather bow (and nothing else) into
his sleigh. Maybe I will have to settle
for the delay pedal.
...where the Science Undergraduate Society has no Internal Vice President,
•&-* ■ is,  .{J
must stand up for everything that is just
and run for the position of
Look for details and nomination forms in the first issue of next term.


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