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The 432 Mar 27, 1991

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 ^6\WA£
Volume 4, Isspe 14   The Newspaper for Science Students    March 27,1991
Election
Results
Tallied
SUS Executive elections were
approved of by the Science
Undergraduate Society Council
last Thursday. The following are
the results that were accepted:
Director of Publications:
Patrick Redding YES: 299 NO: 24
Sports Director:
Jaret Clay YES: 309 NO: 23
Internal Vice President:
Sandra Mah YES: 292 NO: 50
External Vice President:
Erik Jensen: 205  Peter Lo: 135
Ams Representative:
Mike Hamilton:200 Ken Sa-
take:108
Secretary:
Carmen McKnight: 198
Patrick Lum: 165
Dave Dyment: 195 Brad Hughes:
133
The ballots for the president
were not counted. In an extraordinary council meeting March
13, the SUS Council upheld the
Elections Commissioner's (Chris
Sing) decision to disqualify Hugh
Leung, presidential candidate, for
breaching campaign rules. Gio-
vanna Vassone, therefore, has
won the presidency.
Winners of 432 Muards
Best Article Under 500 Words;
Caireen Hanert
Best Article in a Column:
Ari Giligson
Best Article:
Alan Douglas
Best Cartoon:
Patrick Redding.
Editor's Choice Awards
For Outstanding Editorship;
David New.
For Outstanding Contribution
to The 432 Over Three Years:
Derek Miller
Last Class Bash Plug
(SUS) The SUS will, once again, be holding
their annual Last Class Bash, on the last Friday of the term, Alan Price, External Vice
President announced yesterday . In addition,
there will be two door prizes offered. The S US
will give away a Macintosh SE and an Ap-
plecrate 60MB hard drive as prizes.
"This year, we hope to give something back
to the students who have supported us so
much," said Alan Price. 'To that end, we're
offering fermented yeast and hops (because
we'renotallowed to advertise the word 'beer')
for a remarkable price of only 75 pennies."
In addition, Price has signed on the band
Canned Music, one of the most popular bands
in B.C.
"I'd get my tickets now, if I wanted to go.
Obviously I can't, what with me being in the
hospital to get plastic surgery on my belly
button. But if I was going, I'd move fast. The
Last Class Bash sells out every year. It's our
most popular event."
The door prizes have been the property of
the SUS for the past four years, but with the
decision to upgrade, the executive felt that,
rather than sell them, they would see that the
computer and hard drive went to two lucky
Science students.
"They have to be Science students," Price
said, "If the winner of the door prizes are not
in the faculty of Science, they will win a gift
certificate to Red Robin instead, and we will
keep drawing until a Science student wins the
prize."
"It should be a real hoot," said Caireen
Hanert, Internal Vice President, "We plan to
take off all of our clothes and gyrate wildly on
a table."
"While covered in butter," said Antonia
Rozario, Physsoc Rep.
Obviously, anyone who has read this far
will realize that the computers are NOT door
prizes. But the beer is 75 cents.
No joke.
Editor's Year-End Executive Report
This year was a rather unicue on for The 432. We
saw two editors, something that hasn't happened
since Volume I. We also saw advertising taken out
in The 432, indicative of the1 recognition this paper
has finally achieved. As well, this issue brings the
total forthisyearto 14, the most issues ever done in
one session.
It was this final issue combined with the GST that
pushed us over the top of our budget. However,
keep in mind that the budgei; prepared was for only
thirteen issues. Also, there were numerous other
expenses, notably awards and stands.
The awards at the AGS'! have been too long
coming. I originally wanted to do this last year, to
recognize those people who continually submit to
The 432. In an all-volunteer atmosphere, the highest coin that can be given is recognition and thanks.
I especially wanted to see Derek Miller receive
some sort of award that showed how grateful we
were for his never-ending contributions.
I can trace the success of this year's The 432 to six
factors, some of them minor, some of them major:
1) The new masthead: last year's masthead was,
believe it or not, the result of the printer not having
the proper font. It gave us our masthead in Courier
instead of London (which would have meant flour-
ishy gothic-like letters). I, being the biggest pro-
crastinator on earth, never changed it. It cheapened
our paper and detracted from what semblance of
professionalism we had. When David New, the
editor for the first four months, came on, the first
thing he did was design a new masthead. Its particular style, its rigidity and plainness, combined with
the creative touch of the left hand box, gave The 432
the credibility that was missing on the front page.
As well, people could see at a glance that a new
paper was out, what with a new fractal pattern or a
picture of Iraq, replacing the old pattern
2) The improved layout: I want to point out, though,
that I'm not referring to typos, although those have
decreased markedly, what with the discovery of
Spellcheck. A comparison between any issue from
last year and the worst issue of this year shows the
dramatic improvement. This year, the paper looks
professional. It no longer looks like an amateur
newsletter. This is mostly due to the stringent anal
guidelines David New set for himself, demanding
quality layout When I came on in January, I knew
that I had to pick up where he left off and keep the
quality of the layout up to snuff.
3) Organized Contests: last year, The 432 tried a
few contests and never got contributors. David New
set up regular contests each issue, and made them
fun contests that people would actually want to
enter. I can only guess how much our readership
improved because of these contests, but it did help
make people look forward to the next issue.
4) Identifiability and Diversi ty of Regular columnists : In my opinion, nothing made The 432 more of
a success than the regularity of a small number of
columns each issue. The 432 gained its recog-
nizability from these columnist and their own little
animals marking their columns. I found, also, that
the quality of the writing rose dramatically when
these people found that they had deadlines that they
were obligated to meet which they always did meet.
Each of these columnists had their own particular
slant, different form the others, but mixing together
like spices in a stew. From the Pseudo-Monty-
Pythonism of Ed Short, to the Deadpan Dave New,
to the earthiness of Antonia, to the Dry Sarcasm of
Dik Miller, there was a little in there for everybody.
5) Humour: I find that students are happy, even
grateful, to read humour, even if it is mediocre.
They don't want to read a newspaper devoted solely
to opinion and science fact. They get that in class
and in their text books. By stressing to every contributor that we want humor, and only humor, we
kept the non-humor to a minimum. And make no
doubt about it: it was humor that made this paper a
success. It had nothing to do with informing Science
students or voicing opinion. This lesson should
never be lost one future editors: READERS OF
THE 432 WANT TO READ HUMOUR. PERIOD.
6)The432newsstands. Lastyear.thejanitorial staff
would throw out whateverpapers were left afterthe
first day,, because they were simply sitting in a pile
on the floor of the building. I figure that at least 50%
of last year's 432s were tossed out before anyone
got a chance to read them. By putting stands in key
places, we could leave newspapers in the building
for the entire two weeks, and people could pick up
a paper at any time, not just on one or two days. The
effect was dramatic. In Sedgewick, for example,
two hundred papers would be gone within an hour.
What is The 432 missing? Certainly the loss of
Ken Otter has been felt - the paper needs a regular
cartoonist. Pat Redding has tilled in that hole partially, but we need someone who will submit a
cartoon every issue. We need regularity in the
cartoons.
The 432 is ready to go to twelve pages, what with
the first ads ever being taken out. We can afford it,
and we have the submissions. As a matter of fact,
The 432 is in the enviable position of beng able to
afford to reject the lesser-quality articles that it may
have run last year.
These are the recommendations that I can make to
next year's Director of Publications:
1) Stay the course: keep humor as the central focus
of The 432, and it will always be popular.
2) Make it a priority to find a regular cartoonist to
replce Ken Otter.
3) Keep a stable of regular columnists.
4) Set strict guidelines, even with the columnists.
Columns should be eight hundred words, give or
take a hundred. In my opinion, fiction has no place
in these columns, for amateur fiction is invariably
bad. Don't be afraid to yank a column of an issue if
it doesn't meet guidelines. It is the duty of the editor
to maintain the quality ofthe paper.
I wish the future editors the best of luck.
432 sets up
Standards
Committee
The Director of Publications announced yesterday that all material in The 432 will be
subject to scrutiny by a Standards Committee,
beginning this issue. That committee will be
chaired by a neutral third party, not a member
of the SUS council, and the members will
consist of science students.
The Standards Committee is a result of
many complaints about the offensive nature
of some of the articles in The 432 lately.
"It seems some people took offense to the
constant sexual references," said AaronDrake,
Editor of The 432. "There was a complaint
about the last Editor's Comment."
Specifically, the complaint was the it was
stereotyping women to state that they enjoy
shopping.
The 432, in an effort to produce a non-
offensive newspaper will review all articles,
censoring those that may be too offensive or
riske for the average reader. According to
Drake, the Committee is permanent and will
act for all future volumes and issues of The
432.
"This Standards Committee will have final
say on all contributions," said Drake, "and can
override both the Editor and the Director of
Publications. If it chooses that any article is
too offensive, it will not go in. Period."
Additionally, the Standards Committee has
the option to a) allow an article to be published
with a warning affixed to the beginning, or, b)
censor passages of the final layout of the
newspaper if the committee feels that only
small sections of the paper should be censored.
In the tradition of Film Viewing Boards, the
following labels will be affixed to each article
to make the reader aware of what the article
will be like:
i) R = Riske: article may contain explicit
reference to sexual genitalia, or bodily functions ; article may contain slang terms for body
parts and bodily functions,
ii) S = Stereotyping: article may contain references that may tend to stereotype certain sex
or ethnic or racial groups,
iii) V=Violence: articlemay contain violence
- oriented language.
iv) P = Profanity: article may contain profanity.
v) D = Drugs: article may contain explicit
reference to drugs and/or alcohol
March   27,1991 NOTICE: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN NUMEROUS REFERENCESTOBODYFUNCTIONSTHAT PEOPLE WOULD
NOT OTHERWISE WANT TO DISCUSS AS WELL AS NUMEROUS SLANG TERMS REFERRING TO THOSE FUNCTIONS THEREIN.
ADDITIONALLY CERTAIN MATERIAL MAY BE INCLUDED THAT STEREOTYPES MALE AND FEMALE GENDER
(IE WOMEN LIKETO SHOP, MEN LIKETO PLAY WITH LARGE EARTH-MOVING MACHINERY). THE NEWLY ESTABLISHED 432
CENSORSHIPCOMMISSK)NRECOMMI:NDSTHATPEOPLEWH()MIGHTBEOVERLYOI'¥ENDED-BYVV()RDSSU<:HASBO()GER
SKIP TO ED SHORT.
My Contribution to the ^eory of
International Relations
I have given profound thought, over the
past three or four minutes, while clipping my
toenails, to one of the questions that have
haunted politicians lately. That question is:
could the Gulf War have been averted?
Obviously, this is not an easy question to
answer, if you want to approach it rationally,
given the depth and intricacies of the issue. A
serious answer requires a lot of research and
forethought. Fortunately, I decided not to
approach it rationally, and hence have arrived
at a wonderfully obvious answer, if you accept a few relatively ridiculous premises.
PREMISE #1: Men are obsessed with their
penis and like to fart a lot
Whoops! Backslid there for a moment! Seriously, with this new Standards Committee,
this column will henceforth be devoted to
serious political commentary and nothing at
about MHBHHHHHHHi^u'
that out! I can see this Standards Committee is
going to be a bit of a bother.
PREMISE #1: There are no trees in Iraq.
This is the key to my entire theory here, so
I would appreciate it if no one told me there
are trees in Iraq. What? There are? Okay, let's
change that premise to
PREMISE # 1: There are not trees with sturdy
low-hanging branches that spread out at low
sloping angles, on average, five feet off of the
ground, and have thick thick bark that can
withstand dozens of spikes being driven into
it.
There! That's a darned good premise to go
on. Now, it doesn't seem much but it leads to
a wonderful theory of how the war could have
been averted.
(NOTE: originally my premise was: All
men want to have a trophy, and that was why
Saddam invaded Kuwait - to find new tro-
phies. So if we had Federal Expressed Sad-
dam one of those bowling trophies with a gold
plastic figurine on top that said Best Ruthless
Dictator 1990, then this whole mess could
have been averted. I realized how silly this
was when I found out that there are no gold
plastic figurines depicting a Glorious Exalted
Person executing a Revisionist Traitorous
Scum Person.)
Now Premise #1 has an obvious corollary:
Saddam had a miserable childhood. This is
obvious, as any male will tell you. His childhood was miserable because there were no
real trees and it is an integral part of childhood
to have a tree-fort.
I know all this, because I was a child. Me and
Huey Freeman and Billy Lev ens had the
biggest meanest tree-fort in the whole world.
We had gun-ports on all four sides of the fort
in case of an American assault on our fort to
get our booty of six dirty magazines and seven
packs of DuMaurier cigarettes. We'd loyally
guard our booty after school (you see, the
Americans couldn't attack during school,
because it says so in the Geneva Convention).
We'd smoke cigarettes, look through Playboy, and pretend we understand. If we got
bored, we'd try and light each other's hair on
fire.
That tree fort holds great memories for me,
particularly the first time I ever got drunk,
which, come to think of it, wasn't a pleasant
memory at all. The only way to get down from
the fort is by climbing down the ladder, which
is just an assortment of small boards held to
the bark of the tree by three hundred and
ninety-one thousand bent nails. Our entire
carpentry arsenal, by the way, consisted of a
bag of nails pilfered from local construction
sites and one very large rock, affectionately
nicknamed This STUPID Rock (tap tap tap
tap crunch "OWWWW! This STUPID
Rock!!!"). Anyway, I foolishly got drunk at
the top of this ladder of death. To the best of
my recollection I took the elevator down.
What has all this got to do with Saddam
. Hussein? Well, here's a typical conversation
Top Ten Reasons To Drink and Drive
10. Win the right to new titles (Bozo, moron, idiot...).
9. Spend a night in jail with a man named Stitches.
8. Finally get the chance to tell them face to face that it looks
nothing like the Batmobile.
7. Get to exercise your creative faculties (Drinking? Me? No
officer, I'm just... a little tired... I mean, I've got this disease
that makes me wobble...).
6. Expand your social contacts to include parole officers.
5. Guess which lane the oncoming car is really in.
4. Find out that taking a walk on the wild side implies that you
should take a walk on the wild side.
3. Finally get to tell Mom that, yes, you did wear clean
underwear.
2. Investigate life on the left hand side of the yellow line.
1. Finally get to fill out the "Do you have a Criminal Record?"
section of job application forms.
that went on in our tree fort:
BILLY: Hey Aaron! Look out the window!
MATCH: Strike! Flarnmmmmmme!!!
ME: SHRIEK! GET IT OUT OF MY
HAIR! GET IT OUT!
BILLY: Coooool! You'rehairisallcurled
up! It's like it melted!
ME: Really? Do it again.
Now, let's try that again, except with Saddam
Hussein as a young boy in my place:
BILLY: Hey Saddam! Look out the
window!
RIFLE: BANG! BANG! BANG!
BILLY: thud
There you are. Saddam never got the chance
to learn social graces (such as how to properly
react to your best friend trying to give you
third-degree burns) simply because because
there are no real trees in Iraq. Hence he grew
up always wishing he lived in the mountains
of British Columbia in a tree-fort. Knowing
this dream could never be realized, he invaded
Kuwait instead, most likely in order to set the
Emir's hair on fire.
So the answer to the original question is,
yes, the war could have been averted, if reforestation had been practiced earlier on, and
spread to Iraq.
Of course, Hussein would have probably had
a different view altogether on Standards
' Committees.
COMMITTEE: Saddam, I'm afraidyou
can't use the word booger in your column.
SADDAM: Perhaps this flamethrower
will change your mind.
COMMITTEE: Hah hah! Did we say
booger? No, we meant, boogerooskie,
and we see that it isn't your column at all.
Well done.
SADDAM: I want a trophy.
COMMITTEE: Okey-doke.
The following people did
not show up to the AGM
and should be properly
ashamed of themselvesfor
wrecking it for the rest of
hs because we were short
people for twister:
L#®uott M&toffl$
In tlu meantime, they can
drop by Chem 160 and
pick up their Certificates
of Achievement that they
had feeen awarded* at the
AGM, for their contrihii*
tions to The 4$2.
In Ten Words or Less
by Ed Short
&
Get the idea?
diphthong: (dip'thong) n. the union of two
vowel sounds pronounced in one syllable.
Just thought you'd like to know.
(In Ten Words or Less is a regular column by
Ed Short, master of Precis, who presents
political opinions in ten or less words, not
including the title)
A Treatise on The Right Honourable William Van der Zalm
And The Allegations of Conflict Of Interest (As Well As
The RCMP Investigation Into
The Right Honourable Premier's Alleged Acceptance Of
A Commission On A Real
Estate Sale, Which Is A Direct
Violation Of The Real Estate
Act) Which Have Led To Calls
For The Right Honourable
Premier's Resignation As Well
As Questions Of His Moral
Right To Govern The Province, Although We Must, In
All Fairness, Admit That
There Are A Lot Of Hypocrites Out There Who Would
Enjoy Nothing Better Than
To See ANY Premier Fall
From Grace, But Especially
Bill, Because Let's Face It, He
Is The Canadian Dan Quayle
With A Touch of Ron Reagan
Mixed In - God Help Us All -
And He Has Single-Handedly
Contributed To The Downfall
Of The Social Credit Party,
But Really How Many People
Are Wearing Black Because
of All This, The Question Of
The Right Honourable Premier's Refusal To Resign
When Everyone, Never Mind
Young Little Boys, Is Pointing
At Bill And Saying, Look The
Emperor Has No CLothes,
Which Is A Pretty Fine Allusion, I Must Say, And Should
Be Quoted By Everyone And
Remembered That I, Ed Short
Was The First To Use It, But
That Is Neither Here Nor
There, For The Question We
Must Deal With Here Is Exactly What Is The Precedent
For This And Is There A Justifiable Precedent At That,
And I Would Personally Argue
That Certain Precedents Must
Be Taken Into Consideration
If We Are To Resolve The
Question At Hand Which is
Exactly How Much Credence
Is There To The Statement
That The Right Honourable
The 432
March 27,1991 by Patrick Redding
WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETER!1 jlINED THAT I HE
FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN MATERIAL UNSUI TABLE FOR SOME
READERS, PARTICULARLY THOSE THAT ARE OFFENDED BY MEN'S
BATHROOMS. ARTICLE CONTAINS VARIOUS REFERENCES TO BODILY
FUNCTIONS AND WE'RE SURE THEY USED THE F-WORD FOR INTESTINAL
GAS IN THERE, EVEN THOGH WE DIDN'T FIND IT. IT'S IN THERE, THOUGH.
WE KNOW IT. I
Loose Canons
stranger enters. If the worst happens, and an
occupant is cornered by a number of ruffians,
they may be able to find some means of
defense amid the assortment of syringes and
broken bottles that litter the floor.
The room at Eaton's represents a
veritable tableau of urban debauchery, not
only in terms of its ongoing activities, but in
the sordid history that stains the very walls
with a kind of stratum of blood, piss and
vomit. The walls are decorated with the
thinly-veiled curses of e local B aal cult; names,
sprayed crudely in various bodily fluids; even
futile pleas for help, scratched in the cement
with frayed fingernails. Someday an entire
branch of archaeology may emerge to deal
with these inscriptions and their implications.
Unfortunately, the adventurous may
not have an opportunity to fully scrutinize the
rich past still living on the walls, since, there
are more than enough obstacles, still mpving,
to contend with. ThemostcommonareJ Dead
Junkie shackled to steam pipe; large, ^winging hooks hanging by chains; ancient drums
of turpentine; abandoned Glad bags filled
with human legs. As incredible as it may
seem, the washroom at Eaton's even Jias its
host of permanent inhabitants (although this
designation may refer to any living thing that
persists in the room for more than fifteen
minutes). The most feared of these would
have to be the nigh-legendary 601b telekinetic
rats, although in all fairness, they probably
only weigh 25-301bs. Perhaps of more valid
concern are the well-documented Chitinous
Insects Capable of Lsaping High Enough
(there is a Latin name for them, but it failed to
turn up during the course of my initial research). Of course, Eaton's most famous
cesspoli would have to be Big Henry and His
Tatoos. It is easy to feel sympathy for Big
Henry, who according to one account was
blinded by one of his fellow bikers in a No-
Flinching contest, but his attempts at regaining his vision have been sadly derailed by the
establishment of the Big Henry Independent
Eye Bank, which has its main branch in the
Eaton's men's room.
For those depraved souls who seek it,
there is entertainment to be found in this
place, aside from the obvious carnal sort.
Some claim that the popping of the electric
moth zapper provides a kind of non-distracting uniform noise that promotes creative
thought, particularly where in the pursuit of
novel bondage techniques. As is evidenced in
the Writing On the Wsll, so to speak, there
exists a considerable potential in the recreational uses of urine. It is; true that, for a while,
games of physical combat enjoyed a loyal
following in the Eaton's John, but interest
waned in the early eighties with the appearance of the far more brutal Parents' XMAS
Competition in the Toy Dept.
To conclude, I have listed some of the
more noteworthy Do's and Don'ts for visitors
to the Eaton's washroom. This list is by no
means exhaustive; interested travellers should
contact the Eaton's Customer Service desk
for a daily advisory.
Don't: use the facilities during the
first week of March. Th is is when the Health
Dept. Strike Teams do their annual sterilization, and they often perform a preliminary
"scrub" with cyanide gas or fuel-air explosive.
Do: be sure to tell someone on the
Outside that you're going to be using the
washroom, just in case you don't come back.
Its a long-shot, but if your friend is fast enough,
sometimes the police negotiators can get you
traded for case of cigarettes before Big Henry
makes a necklace out of your teeth.
Don't: ever use an open flame in the
Eaton's room, as you seriously risk igniting
the bubbles of methane that sometimes well
up inside the drainage pipe.
Do: bring ahacksaw, in case your foot
gets caught in the grating. You don't want to
wait for help.
See, I Can Be Scatological Too...
Frogs and Snails and
Puppy Dog Tails:
A Woman's Guide to the
Men's Washroom
disclaimer: This article is intended to be
strictly informative. It is not a proper manual
for the conducting ofoperations inside a men's
washroom. Readers are advised that the
conditions described below are extremely
hazardous to the untrained. The publishers of
the 432 will not be responsiblefor any injuries
or death that may result from irresponsible,
use of this information.
The impression of the men's washroom held by many contemporary women is a
Hollywood-contrived fantasy of squeaky tile
and antiseptic ambience. This is not surprising, since the film and television industry is
still largely dominated by men, who sheepishly
guard the pathetic truth about the facilities
which have been set up for their sanitary
needs. Some women occasionally venture
into actual restrooms, sometimes by accident,
sometimes out of morbid curiosi ty. What they
find beggars verbal description, but I feel that
I must try to shed some light on this nationwide horror, or I shall be consumed by guilt.
Mwhah.
The Room: The floor plan approved
as national standard in Canada, the U.S., and
Britain is the basic Hydrechner Box, developed in the post-WWII Reconstruction years.
This is easily the most commonly found configuration in the Americas, although in some
Caribbean states it is more closely associated
with their correctional institutes.
A typical such Hyd Box design is the
basement men's room, in the downtown Eaton's. The room consists of a 20ftX20ft
cement box, with 10ft ceilings. Contrary to
popular misconception, there are no actual
urinals, toilets or sinks installed permanently,
as it was found early on that these appliances
were prone toward being stolen. The novel
solution: The floor consists of a wall-to-wall
rusty iron grate, bolted over a corrugated
aluminum funnel that routes all of the various
waste materials into a large hole. The stainless steel ceiling is fitted with an array of vents
that do everything from spraying water during
the flush cycle, to pumping out air in the event
of a fire. Lighting is provided by a single
60watt incandescent bulb hanging about seven
feet off the ground.
Drinking and bathing, although not
generally recommended in this particular facility, involves using a continuous trickle of
"reclaimed" water, with its distinct chlorine
color, that runs from a slot at the top of the
walls. This flow is occasionally interrupted
when diseased tropical fish from nearby Pet
World are flushed down the sink and clog the
local plumbing.
For personal safety, the corners of the
ceiling are fitted with wide-angle mirrors,
allowing occupants to guard against the odd
knife-wielding lunatic who may attempt to
exploit the former's vulnerable position. As
well, the doorway is generally backlit, so that
the occupants are able to react first when a
That's Trivial
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! This is the last issue of the year,
so we will give you the Editor's Choice That's
Trivial, which is "totally by the numbers!"
Good Luck!
Theme: Numbers.
1-10   Easy : 1 point
1. What is the term for one followed by one
hundred zeros?
2. Who were the Three Men In A Tub?
3. How much is a baker's dozen?
4. What fraction of Earth's gravity is the
moon's?
5. What are the four dimensions?
6. How old is Delta Dawn?
7. What unit number was M*A*S*H*?
8. What buttons on a UBC phone do not have
letters?
9. How many people on a match is unlucky?
10. How many hours did the ground war last
in Kuwait?
11-15 Medium: 2 points
11. How many years did Sleeping Beauty
Sleep?
12. What are the Seven Deadly Sins?
13. In what century was Star Trek set?
14. What has, on average, 336 dimples?
15. What is the term for one followed by 18
16-20 Difficult: 3 points
16. What is the term for one followed by 63
zeros?
17. How many hills of Rome were there?
18. What was the 52-20 Club?
19. What is the code name of Coca Cola's
secret ingredient?
20. How many sheets to a ream?
Bonus Question: 4 points
Of all the prime numbers, they share a common characteristic, except for one. What is
this characteristic?
Note to Aaron Sanderson who, once again,
sent aprofound note, criticizing Tanya and the
That's Trivial column
Thank you for your continued input and
helpful advice. I counted 30 spelling and
grammar errors in your letter, which works
out to six per paragraph. Perhaps you should
take your letters to a 70% science student in
advance so that he/she may edit them for you.
Is there are shortage of punctuation marks in
the Engineering department? By the way,
"grammer"is spelt"grammar," artsies isplural,
not singular, first names are capitalized even
if they don't begin a sentence, and the name
ofthispaperis77ie4J2 and not The Ubyssey.
But thanks for thinking about us.
Year-end Sale
The Qoogerooskie Sale
M'available at SUS (Chem 160)
closes March 28!
ADM1TTINC
When I'm at home alone, I like to dress up in women's
clothing. Thank you.
March  27,1991 WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY BE
UNSUITABLE FOR CERTAIN READERS DUE TO THE FACT THAT THERE ARE WORDS WITH MORE THAN
THREE SYLLABLES IN IT AND MAY OFFEND ENG FIZZ 3 STUDENTS BECAUSE IT IS PROPERLY PUNCTUATED
On Tuesday, March 5, between 10:00 in
the morning and 4:00 in the afternoon, in
Toronto, I drank a litre of 7-Up from New
York Fries, a bottle of fruit punch, two large
Cokes® and a shake from McDonald's™, and
another large Coke® from a mall Chinese
restaurant. I also imbibed several litres of
water from drinking fountains. All of that
liquid passed through my system rather
quickly.
That means I pissed a lot.
I was beginning to suspect that something
was seriously wrong.
Returning to Vancouver two days later, I
drank a whole lot more water and quite a bit of
juice, pop, and alcohol on the plane. On the
ground, I immediately bought myself a Super
B ig Gulp™. I drank it all and voided it an hour
or so later.
Something was definitely wrong.
"You should really see a doctor," said my
friends. That was mighty helpful.
"Well, okay," I said. Must be some weird
kidney disorder, I thought.
I woke up the next morning with a throat
that was...well, very unthroat-like. Throats
are supposed to be icky and wet and warm.
Mine felt more like a tube of sandpaper. I had
to turnover and gag-start my salivary glands.
Yo, Dik, my mind said. Wake up. This is
not normal.
I made a doctor's appointment for Monday the 11 th. Then I went to bed.
I didn't really get up on Saturday the 9th.
I mostly moped around in bed, not wanting to
read, write, eat, or listen to CD's. I just wanted
to drink. I had some ginger ale. A whole 2 litre
bottle of it. And some more orange juice.
Some soup, too. I felt...well...er... It's not that
easy to describe. It wasn't like the flu; I didn't
have arunny nose or a fever. I just felt like shit.
By the time Sunday evening rolled around
I was definitely not in good shape. I was in
bed, achy, nauseous, thirsty, blurry-eyed,
dehydrated, I'd lost weight, and I was STILL
THIRSTY AS HELL.
"I think we'd better head down to Emergency," said one of my friends. We drove
down.
"Do you need to see the doctor?" said the
triage nurse in a tone of voice that indicated
she said that about eight thousand times a
night.
comment, like, No, I just visit hospitals because I'm painting my room and I want to
match this exact shade of green. It was a sign
of my condition that I just said, "Yes." It was
also a sign of my condition that they sent me
right in.
"I don'tmean to scare you," said the nurse,
"but your symptoms could be diabetes."
"Yeah, I'd thought of that," I lied. It had
crossed my mind, but not to the point of
thinking about it.
About forty-five minutes later I was lying
in a bed with an IV needle in my arm, some
blood missing from where another needle had
stolen it out of my other one, and one of those
dumb tie-up-the-back blue hospital gowns
that act less like clothing than like something
that lets people see your bummore easily than
if you were nude.
"I can smell ketones on your breath," said
the doctor.
WHAM.
That was it. The medical term is "ketoacidosis," when your body starts burning fats and
muscle insteadof sugars and produces ketones
which show up in your urine and on your
breath. It happens in two situations: when
you're starving or on a crash diet and there's
not enough carbohydrate around to keep you
alive, and when your pancreas isn't making
insulin anymore. Insulin enables utilization of
sugars. Without it, you're diabetic.
I wasn't starving or on a crash diet.
"Oh," I said.
Fifteen minutes later, he told me officially. "You're diabetic," were the two words,
and they were buried in a bunch of others I
immediately forgot, like this: "Mum-
blemmblemmble YOU'RE DIABETIC
mmmblemmble..."
Whoa, I thought.
See? said my brain. / told you something
was wrong.
Shut up, I told it.
For the next couple of days I walked
around with an IV pole just like all those
patients in movies. Except mine was even
cooler. It had two (count 'em) IV bags (one
saline, one insulin) and a huge, beeping, digital flow meter/readout thing. I feltreally dumb.
One nice thing about emergency rooms
(for young guys like me, anyway) is that they
seem to be the places were the recently-certified, young and attractive nurses hang out.
And when you're able to speak coherently,
understand what's happening to you, and aren' t
in amazing pain, they like to talk back to you,
since you're unusual in their experience. So
that was nice. They even gave me a medical
textbook to read through so I could figure out
what the hell was going on with my body. I
found it fascinating, but it's funny how things
get that way when they have to do with you
living or dying. I'm sure it would bore you to
tears, so here's basically what I learned:
My pancreas doesn't make insulin any
longer. Period. It just decided, for no particular reason other than that my great-grandmother's did the same thing, Nope, I ain't
makin' that stuff anymore. Sorry. Bye.
The first insulin needle was just fine. After
having been poked and probed with big blood
sample needles, IV needles, and miscellaneous other sharp things, the tiny little thing I
stuck into the fatty tissue in my arm (and later,
my leg and my belly) was a wimpy little
needle wannabe. It didn't even really hurt.
Besides, Cindy the nurse, who showed me
how to use it, was pretty.
Most of a week later, I had been in three
different rooms and had put up with neighbours Mr. Brandt (who called "Oh Nurse"
every ten minutes or so throughout the night)
and Mr. Oswald Fish (who conversed with
non-existent people and made"huchh-hoegh"
noises all night - and yes, that's his real name),
learned more than I really wanted to know
about diabetes, eaten a lot of hospital food,
and gotten so incredibly bored with not feeling sick anymore but not being able to leave
the hospital that I spent a good portion of an
hour roaming around trying to see if I could
get out onto the roof. I accidentally ended up
in the maternity ward.
"Can I help you?" said an older, not-
particularly-attractive nurse.
"Um, er, no, just wandering around."
"Not in the maternity ward, you aren't."
"Oh, is that where I am? I'll get out of hen
then."
Eventually, an insulin dosage and diet was
figured out, and they cut the plastic ID band
from my arm. I was free to go. I stick myself
with a needle twice a day no w. I still eat pizza.
With Diet Coke®. (No sugar.) And I use a
nifty, high-tech device to check my blood
sugar levels. It works in seven languages and
has an RS-232 serial port so I can load my
readings into a computer if I feel like a real
geek. I call it my Dik Miller™ Glucometer/
Tricorder/Big Smasher.
So that's the way it is for Dik Miller,
Diabetic. It's really not that bad.
Trust me.
Derek Miller is just begging for sympathy and
women who will fawn all over him because of
his condition. In fact, we can't really tell the
difference from the way he was before, and he
could be lying about the whole thing. This also
isn't much of a Dik Miller story, and we think
it's a lousy cop out. Especially for the last
issue of the year. What a goofball.
Froshitude
by Leona Adams
Froshitude is
- proving Adam's Equation:
D = J  (nf/iu)dt
where D = duration of class (min)
n = number of days until next weekend
f = student fatigue
i = interest level of students
u = understanding level of students
-thinking that ditch-digging (or whatever job
your parents told you that you would get of
you didn't GET A DECENT EDUCATION)
is starting to look pretty darned good.
-discovering that you really aren't a morning
person
realizing that naps aren't just for kids
-practising self-deception (I have plenty of
time to catch up on my reading)
-discovering that the four food groups are
chocolate, caffeine, sugar, and Blue Chip.
WARNING: THE STANDARDS
COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED
THAT FOLLOWING ARTICLE
MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT REFERENCE TO RIDICULOUS WORDS
AND HENCE MAY TEND TO OFFEND THE SENSIBILITIES OF
HUMORLESS ENGLISH STUDENTS.
Questions for
Dan Quayle
Why wouldn't you call a spade a spade?
What else would you call it. "Why, that's a
rutabaga."
Isn't it redundant to say someone is "Down
Under?"
Do the New Jersey Devils get new uniforms
every year?
How exactly does one feel blue?
Why is the proof always in the pudding?
Why isn't it in the punch? What does it taste
like? If I'm going to make pudding, where do
I go to purchase proof?
Why do envious people turn green? What
causes them to go green? "Boy, I was so
envious that I started to photosynthesize!"
thanks to Caireen Hanert, Mike Hamilton, Pat
Redding, and Aaron Drake.
The Best of Question for Dan
Quayle, of this year's The 432
Ever been hit in the head by a padlock? They
aren't padded.
What is a boo-boo, and what do people do
with them after they make them?
I've seen disgruntled people, but I've never
seen a gruntled person. Where are they?
If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
If something is neither here nor there, where
exactly is it?
Teen Burgers aren't that old...
Orange juice made from concentrate. I've
been sitting here concentrating for hours, and
nothing's happened.
Monosyllabic has too many syllables.
What is a tat and where do I go to exchange
them?
SportS^Page with Rachel Farrall
Hi everybody,
I've lost all my
brochures from
Intramurals that
I usually copy
off of to tell you
about what's
coming up, so
this issue I have
to wing it. I
guess I'll have
to tell you about
Storm The Wall, which is now over, and
Science made a great showing. Congratulations to all the people who participated, win or
lose.
I hope that you all found within yourselves
that drive and zest that leads us all to strive to
be better human beings. And I really mean
this. Storm the Wall is a chance for the best
and the brightest in us to shine like a lonely
beacon, isolated, but standing strong in s
storm and I am but a flower, being whippec
and battered in the wind. I see all you Science
S tudents, beacons in the storm, standing proud,
and strong, and I find the inner strength tc
strive and strive against the storm, like t
beacon which is just like what you Science
Students are being like.
Because Intramural events like Storm the
Wall are really a symbol for every Science
Student's turmoils and striving against the
opposing angry forces of the world which are
winds that blow hard against the parts of
ourselves that hold our integrity, our honesty,
our truthness, our goodness. The winds of the
forces of the toughness in this world strip
away our barriers, like a hurricane batters the
seashore, and we are but flowers, whipped
and battered by the hurricane. But Intramurals
is this eye of the storm that lets us all look
around at the shattered beaches that is our
turmoiled world, and we know that we can
find the inner strength to strive against the
storm which is the badness of life, like a
beacon which is what I think of when I think
of all you Science Students that continue to
strive and make efforts like when you do your
Intramural efforts.
Congratulations to all the Science teams
that made the playoffs in Bodin Ball Hockey,
for you represent the strongest and the finest
of our inner selves. You are like lanterns
hanging on a pole, on a dark night, when it is
raining and the wind is blowing really hard,
harder than it usually does, anyway. And I,
we, are simply blind travellers, weary, in the
night, trying to get home from work, and we
have to travel over a really big field that's flat
and real wide and we get lost, being battered
and whipped like a flower in the wind. But we
see these lanterns that have been put up on
poles so that we can see them, and the lanterns
are just sorta hanging there even though the
wind is blowing, and we find within ourselves
that inner self that is hidden inside of us,
which emerges from the inside where it has
been hidden, and it becomes us and we find
the strength to toil on so that we can get home
and find restful sleep, because we've seen
these lanterns that are you, the Science Students that are playing Ball Hockey like lanterns that you are and we see that inside of us,
I think. That's what Intramurals is, it is a
beacon swinging in a lantern. I'm sure of it.
Thank you all and God Bless Intramurals.
Now, Intramurals is over and I'm going to eat
nothing but donuts this summer.
And especially I would like to thank Aaron
Drake for his patience and understanding.
Oh, SHUT UP!
The 432
March 27,1991 WARNING: THE| STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT THE
FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN MATERIAL OFFENSIVE TO THOSE
WHO THINK ACTORS SUCH AS CHUCK NORRISS ARE UNFAIRLY OVERLOOKED EACH YEAR AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
'J
Script for Generic Action Movie
Act VI
Hero and antagonist fight wherein
-hero beats antagonist mercilessly until
-antagonist beats hero mercilessly until
-hero is on vfirge of death until
a) antagonist says to hero, "I'm going to kill
you now."
b) hero has flashback to long-dead mentor's
inspirational words
c) antagonist slaps hero's wife/best girl/
mom
d) antagonist kicks hero's dog.
Actvn
Hero beats antagonist senseless with
a) bare fists
b) various head butts
c) numerous leaping kicks
d) appliances that seem unlikely as weapons
(ie meat lockers).
Act vni
Antagonist, after feigning death, restages
desperate attack
a) against hero
b) against hero's loved one
c) against hero's dog.
Act IX
Hero kills anlagonist then show ends by
a) hero riding into sunset
b) hero s aying witty but tender nurturing words
to
i) wife
ii) mother
iv) dog
c) antagonist's dog vows revenge for death of
master.
Note: All segments should contain various
short one-liners for hero to deliver in the face
of horror to show his great courage (ie "I will
rip off your arms, but I'll do it after lunch").
As well, script should contain secondary
character who follows hero about the show,
although secondary is too weak or puny to do
anything except make outrageously humorous remarks during car chases.
by Aaron Drake
Act I
Introduce hero as
a) loving, caring, nurturing, husband
b) loving, caring, nurturing, father
c) generic ultimate genetically engineered
weapon of mass terror and destruction juxtaposed in role of loving, caring nurturing, husband or father.
Actn
Introduce figure from hero's sordid past who
returns to
a) appeal to hero to return to former ways due
to extraordinary circumstances
b) create a horrific situation wherein only the
intervention of the hero can save countless
lives
c) kill one of hero's loved one
d) kill many of hero's loved ones
e) kill all of hero's loved ones
f) kill hero's dog.
Acitm
Authorities
a) fumble any possible aid through inept bureaucracy and personnel
b) turn backs on hero
c) arrest hero
d) hunt hero with unrestrained fury.
Act IV
Hero
a) destroys everything around him and every
minor opponent
b) uses skill and intriguing subversive tactics
to destroy everything around him and every
minor opponent.
ActV
Antagonist and hero meet after
a) prolonged and bloody gunfight with antagonist's minions
b) prolonged and violent car chase wherein
the antagonist is finally cornered
c) antagonist has lured hero into a situation
that seemingly is going to kill hero.
d) hero has outfitted self with various weapons wherein the camera could pan over his
muscles as he is donning those weapons.
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WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT
WHILE VIIOLENCE IS BAD FOR THE HEALTH THERE IS NOTHING
VIOLENT IN HERE EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASSIONAL DANGLING PARTICIPLE. READER'S DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Simplifying Assumptions
SSW^3
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by David W. New
An English
professor
once approached me
with a criticism of chaos
theory. "It's
all the mode
right now," he
said, "but I
don't think
it'll last. I
seem to recall
something called string theory that was all the
ragesomeyears ago, but wheredidthatvanish
to? Chaos theory will go the same way."
I attempted to argue, half-cocked as usual,
that unlike conventional ideas given the tag
"theory," chaos theory is structural — that
rather than suggesting a manner in which
some part of nature might function, it provides
altogether new techniques with which to examine nature. "It's not something that can be
disproven," I insisted. "Techniques are either
useful or not, and chaos theory is amechanism
for the derivation of new techniques. Then
those new techniques, once found, can themselves be used to develop disprovable theories."
"I don't know," he maintained. "Meaning's
out in literature, predictability' s out in science
... it's just too pat. It'll all pass."
Not knowing what he was on about with the
literature bit, I shrugged and headed for the
pate". Literary theories as arule tend to bore me
— I've always felt that if a thousand people
can read a thousand different things into the
same novel, then the interpretations probably
rest more in the readers than in the text. In fact,
when you think about it, what on earth does
the weird pattern of ink which looks like
"orange" have to do with the equally weird
sound you make when you say the word? And
what does either have to do with the round
thing from Florida you can buy at most supermarkets? Besides which, if you're asleep one
morning and understand, "Can you grab me a
tangerine?" instead, doesn't that make "orange" and "tangerine" synonyms, at least for
you, for a while?
Nosiree, language is too personal a thing,
and too confused a concept, for me to give
much credit to theories which try to ascribe
anything at all to literature beyond whether or
not people might enjoy reading it. So I resolved to find out what this meaninglessness
business was for trivia's sake — in case anyone around needed to know how to spell
"deconstructionism" or something — and
promptly dropped the conversation into that
slot in the back of the mind where all not
particularly important conversations go after
you're done with them.
Well, it seems the trend of meaninglessness
in literature is about as profound as the previous trends of meaning in literature. Different
camps claim variously that literature is meaningless except in terms of its sentence structure; or that literature is meaningless except in
terms of its word usage frequency; or that
literature is meaningless except in terms of
what critics have to say about it; or that litera
ture is meaningless and should never have
been written; or that literature is meaningless
in any of a dozen other mutually exclusive
manners. A few hardy souls suggest that such
analyses of meaninglessness, performed serially, provide much more insight than any one
... but still maintain that for an author writing
a work of literature, to mean anything thereby
is equivalent to oppression, fascism, totalitarianism, and rape. Why, just imagine the
audacity of using words to attempt to convey
an impression! The literate should be put
away for the greater good.
But look carefully at what suchcritics do to
literature after removing its meaning. They
count the words in each sentence and analyze
ratios. They compare etymologies to try to
determine what state of mind an author was in
upon writing each prepositional phrase. They
employ any number of mathematical, statistical, and other so-called pure scientific methods to come to a conclusion. They blur the
distinctions between art and science, since art
has been irrevocably sullied by a terminally
oppressive regime, while science at least can
lay claim to being unsuitable.
And, this in mind, look carefully at some
tenets of chaos theory. For centuries, itclaims,
science has simplified real systems ("Assume
a spherical cow...") in an effort to make them
possible to model in microcosm. Now that
many of those simplifying assumptions have
been fully exploited, chaos theory tries to
complicate the systems again ... and it seems
that most systems are inherently unpredictable. Science isn't completely at a dead end,
since this unpredictability behaves in predictable fashions, but much unsupportable creativity is necessary before any conclusions can
be found. Researchers blur the distinctions
between science and art, since science has
exhausted its overly simplified techniques,
while art at least can lay claim to being unsim-
plifiable.
If there's a similarity, it's in the holistic
realization that science and art cannot mature
without complementing one another. If there's
a difference, it's because chaos theory doesn't
deny the applicability all the science that's
gone before it, doesn't contend that the discoveries of Newton, Lavoisier, and Watson
and Crick are bunk because those poor, deluded visionaries believed in predictability.
Still.... Why are the literary critics so disillusioned with their lot that they have to turn to
precisely those scientific methods which are
being abandoned as inapplicable to the real
world? Could it be that science has spent a few
millenia preparing for the point at which art
could take it over? Or that art has been doing
the same thing for science?
Maybe there never was a distinction after
all. Maybe that was the first simplifying assumption of the lot.
David New is currently in his third year of
an unknown program. Heenjoys long walks,
moonlit nights, phoning up Telereg an^
saying, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
The 432
March  27,1991 WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SUBJECT MATERIAL THAT
SLANDERS VARIOUS PEOPLE BY RIDICULING THEIR GENITALS. OR AT
LEAST IT SHOULD. ARTICLE CONTAINS NUMEROUS REFERENCES TO
OBSCURE PEOPLE THAT THE READERS MOST LIKELY WILL NEVER
MEET. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Comtnen/^
with Ari Giligson
Well, I'm going to wax sentimental
now since this is the last CommentAri ever
(hey, stop that cheering!). My undergraduate
career at UBC would have been a bore had it
not been for the SUS. I'm saddened at having
to say goodbye but all good things must come
to the attention of the government and be
promptly taxed.
I'm going to indulge myself and venture to guess where some of the people I have
met through SUS will wind up in the future.
I'm not going to be so bold as to guess their
fate as many as 20 or even 10 years from now
but let's look in to what they will be doing a
modest 5 years from today.
Antonia "Carrots" Rozario(former VP,
room man., Physsoc exec): graduating with
herBSc. in 90, herBA. in 93 andherBFSc. in
95 Antonia has just begun her part time program in education. She says that she wishes to
one day help rehabilitate graduates of catholic
girls schools. Antonia is now the head of
AMS Catering- a multibillion dollar monopoly extending throughout the lower mainland
Erik Jensen, Mark Hoenig, Mike
HamiIton(of the RBF): after a year in positions of power none of these men had yet
managed to learn anything about taking things
seriously. Jason Brett made a joking suggestion that they run for seats in the provincial
. election. Despite actually having university
educations, the three managed to win three
sea tsinredneck, beer drinking ridings. Today
premier Hoenig, Justice minister Hamilton
and Special minister in charge of brewing
programs Jensen can be found at Granville
Island, the new Provincial Capitol.
Catherine "the Rankel" Rankel (former
Prez., VP, Sec, senate): graduating with a
BSc. in 91 and aborting a BA in 92 when
Catherine entered the MB A. program at UBC.
She completed it in 95 and became the new
AMS Business Manager (replacing retired
Charles Redden - at which point Charles told
everybody what he really thought of them).
Catherine was instrumental in having Pit
bouncers installed at the doors during AMS
council meetings.
Derek "the Dik" Miller(former AMS rep,
432 Editor, BoG rep etc.): after leaving UBC
with BSc. and Creative Writing Diploma in
hand, Derek unsuccessfully attempted to get
work in scientific publications (going so far as
doing some brief work with "Omni" in the
UFO section). Fortunately things went well
for his music career when his garage band
(formerly: "the Juan Valdez Memorial R&B
Ensemble" and "the Lovebugs" and "the
Pinheads from Planet Smurf') finally made it
big doing a last minute substitution as the
opening act for "Bolt-Thrower". Derek's
latest album goes under the cryptic title:
"Bongo Rhapsody #5".
Aaron "the Duck" Drake(former Director
of Publications): after getting kicked out of
Physics with a degree in 1991 Aaron reapplied to every other undergraduate faculty
on campus but they wanted nothing to do with
him or his two cats. Because of his vast
experience in layout and publications he is
presently employed by Vancouver Transit,
editing "The Buzzer"
Short Reports:
Caireen "that's kay-reen" Hanert: now
AMS D of A, still planning to graduate in
honors Physics some day
Greg Wellman: lecturing lstyear students ir.
Physics at Harvard. Known as "The dancing
barbarian"
Tony Ambardar and Pat Redding: built e
small mobile island somewhere in the pacific
where all the computer hackers wear swords
Alan "Azan" Price (formerly Internal Vice):
after coming back from India saying "It was
filthy" got a high paying job with IBM.
Trent "the Mooka" Hammer (formerly
AMS Rep): teaching Chemistry up at UPiG
(University of Prince George)-The students
love his folksy-backwater humor.
Sorry, if I didn't get around to insulting you,
but as usual I wrote this article at the last
minute. So, goodbye, goodluck and remember the University motto: "do it yourself".
Ari Giligson is a master at the art of long
walks, moonlit nights, and dressing up
like various mollusks.
WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS MANY EXPLICIT REFERENCES
TO THE 'C WORD AND SUGGEST THAT YOU READ THIS ONLY IF YOUR
ARE MARRIED AND INTEND TO USE SEX SIMPLY TO PROCREATE AND
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE JUST PRACTICING. THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE
ALSO CONTAINS NUMEROUS REFERENCES TO BIRTH CONTROL DEVICES, WHICH PROMOTE IRRESPONSIBLE AND MEANINGLESS SEX,
AND ANYWAY THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL IS HYSTERICAL
GIGGLES WHEN THE MAN IS NAKED.
The World of Science and all that,
I think  (Today's tneme: More < gasp> about SEX J
The Glove of Love and
its Discovery
I guess this will
really be stretching whenl try and
tell you that what
I am about to explain is partofthe
world of science.
Well, close
enough, it is
health science.
Often called rubbers, condoms, the glove of love—their existence has prevailed since the 16th and 17th
centuries. There is evidence that suggests the
Romans first used a primitive condom, with
oiled animal bladders and lengths of intestines in the place of today's rubber pal. An
As The 432 has stressed, in very audible mutters, the books of the SUS publication
account are opoen for all Science students to examine. In the same light,The 432 is
duty-bound to report all income. Thus we present a copy of the invoice for an ad
placed in The 432 on Feb 27. As you can see,the ad business is quite lucrative.
INVOICE # 432-1
To: First Year Student Program     Date: March 22
1991
For: Full page Ad Frosh Coordinators, in February
27.1991 issue of The 432
(see attached copies)
Page 2 eighth page ad
Page 8 full page ad
Miscellaneous charges*
no charge
200
1430
subtotal
1630
GST
GrST*
PST
PMS
11410
196
97io
subtotal
2002
20
15% Gratuity - thank you
276'
,40
Please Pay (to SUS Publications) $227860
* Breakdown is as follows.'
Typesetting/Layout (minimum 3 hrs) 60
Overtime Charges' 15
Production Surcharge 5
Parts & labor 85
Glue-Suck Rental 3
Mediation Fees* 38
BcHsZWhisiles/Wolf-Calls 59
Standard Replies5 24
Exceptional Replies4 io?
Clean needles n/c
Buck Passing5 28
Hazardous Materials 27
Various Kickbacks 41
Artistic Consultation* 327
Editor's Pension Plan 76
Blood Transfusion 88
Various Other Medical Procedures7 232
Legal Advice" tl7
Suggested Minimum Charitable Donation - thank you 75
Air Freight 1.  ...
Woof"       ' '        22'
1, Overttm& as a. result of work completed «ti Sunday, Feb 24.
2. As. a resMt of ntiddlemen to handle AMS-SUS tttteriaee.
3.. Breakdown is as follows: Hello? « 24, Yes, that's right.«l?.l don't know, a 31%
Maybe, hut I'm not sure. = 212, No, YOU arc <*%
4t Breakdowns as foliowst I flunk you're allowed to have two* = 5, And then the duck, he
says, put it on my bill! «3, It looks like mine, but mine is bigger.« 2, Ko^lVe never seen,
this person before in ray life. I swear. = Mi.
5. Breakdown is as foBows; Askhira. =217,1 don't know -why don't you asfc someone
else? - 18,1 don't know a thing about sales, sorry, ask hini. »44, Huh? s 586,
6. Includes ego damage control from consultations such as: "That is your best effort?"
7*Breakdown is as follow^ Ebxwoshock^ 34%, Enema =? 28%, Having that unsightly
mole removed from my bait -19%, Bikini Bar-Wax »11% Lobcaomy ~ 8%.
8,*'I fhmk you can get away with it"
I ** Gravity Surtax: 9.81 %
I ** *to bfc billed at the end of the month)
Italian anatomist, Gabriel Fallopius, is generally regarded as the' father of the condom'. He
designed the first sheath to fit over Mr. Happy
in the 1500s. Some designed at that time were
even secured at the bottom with a pink ribbon,
presumably to appeal to the female (I am not
lying). The euphemism of the day labelled
them as 'overcoats'. With times changing the
next step was the linen condom—and from
there the personal physician of England's
King Charles II (the Earl of Condom) was
requested by his King to produce a method of-
protection from syphilis. And thus, the name
of the 'condom' was born. Unfortunately,
they were still not disposable at the time (truly
sick...) but there you have it...the Birth of the
Condom!
Kelly enjoys long walks, moonlit nights,
Nonoxynol-9...
Notice:
Get in your
Sports Points
froms by
Monday, in
time for the
Sports
Banquet.
Thank you   in
advance, all you
beacons and
whipped flowers.
Answers to That's Trivial
1. 1 googol.
2. The butcher, the baker, and the gynecologist
(any comment, Sanderson?).
3.13.
4. 1/6.
5. x,y,z,t or length, width, height, time.
6. "She's 41, and her daddy still calls her baby."
7. 4077th.
8.1,0,*,#.
9.3, or any number above, for you will bum our
fingers.
10. 100.
11. 100.
12. Pride, Avarice, Wrath.Envy.Gluttonoy, Sloth,
Lust.
13. In the 23rd.
14. A golf ball.
15. 1 quintillion.
16. 1 vigintillion.
17.7.
18. Unemployed GI's after WWII were payed
$20 per week for 52 weeks.
19. 7X.
20.500.
BQ: They are all odd.
The 432
March 27,1991 (Dean s Scholars
<o
'"Top 20
CtuB"
1989/90
Academic year
Second to Third
Teresa Kwan
Carl Michal
Zuzana Uhrin
Vincent A. Wong
Sammy Chu
Tommy M.K. Han
Isabelle Vonder Muhll
Peter C. Black
Ryan F. Paterson
John T.W. Lai
Jacqueline C. Hui
Grant N. Galbraith
Allan Y-F. Tsang
Mimi Mah
Lesley A. Caswell
Danny Lin
Bill Chu
Andrew R. Walker
Kristian R. Olson
Adrian T-C. Lee
Gurprit Bains
Third to Fourth
Torsten O. Nielsen
Hossein Daneshvar
Douglas A, Loblaw
Christopher W. Lum
Christopher Yu-Yip Chan
Gregory F. Wellman
Lorraine C. Yau
James P. Levins
Barbara L. Hughes
Alan W.P. Poon
Andrew Wong
Kelly S. Matsuo
John Chan
Patrick K.C. Tang
Andrew J. Roger
David J. Luers
Alan M. Kaller
Carita M. Bergman
Angela S.W. Wong
Ivyn S. Reynolds
A Brief Summary of the
Dean's Awards
Science Scholars <Thq T"P
20 Club>
Goes to top twenty students in third year
and top twenty students in. fo«r& yesr
• Certificate of achievement
♦$l0fl book prize
• Honour banquet
♦ Recognition on official transcript
Dean's Honour T.lsf
Goes to all second, third, and fourth-year
students who have a first class average
» Certificate of achievement
« Recognition, m official transcript
IMOIfugJ PtfWdm
never drive alone
WARNING: THE STANDARDS COMMITTEE HAS DETERMINED THAT
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES FROM
SATAN WHICH ARE CLEARLY LEGIBLE IF READ BACKWARDS. READERS SHOULD USE DISCRETION AND MAYBE SHOULD BURN THIS SINFUL NEWS] >APER ALTOGETHER
That's the way it was, Wednesday,lVlarch
27, mv
The 432 is produced twic« a month., but itrs '
rather a .moat point right now. This Is the i
last JssBsof the ye«r,peopte. Woo woo> I 'm
aotgwma.a^fetfct^ttibWi'siJfceftJsuaay
do.beoasne I 'm altdone here and Idon 'tgi v«
a fallal's ass anymore about all you would
be snotaoscs out therethat wantto wjiteout
don'thave the braids to (gasp) write something far a publication. Gel a real job.
Office of The 432: Chem 160
The 432
c/o Dean of Science
6270 University Blvd.
Vancouver BC
V6T1WS
Telephone; $22-4235
Editor; Aaron Drake
Writersand Contributors; Leona Adams*
Aaron Drake, Tanya Rose, Patrick Redding, Antonia Rozario, Derek Miller, An
Giligson,. Kelly Guggisberg
; Artiste: Patrick Redding
I
ONE LAST PLUG
"Going to school
is an education
in itself, which is
not to be confused with actually getting an
education."
Snoopy
These remarkable words of wisdom appeared
in the "Grads" section of my yearbook the
year I graduated from high school, and have
served as a great inspiration to me for the latter
part of my life.
When I first came to UBC way back in
September 1986,1 was a social recluse. Like
most first-year students, good grades meant
everything to me and I willingly gave up ALL
extracurricular activities to try and achieve
them. The results of my monomaniacal behavior were disastrous. I failed all but one of
my Christmas exams and was told by two of
my four science professors that it would be in
my best interest to drop out of the Faculty of
Science. I probably would have taken their
advice if not for the fact that I had every
intention of becoming a medical doctor and I
was afraid such drastic measures might lessen
my chances of getting into med school. As I
walked out of the Armouries after completing
my last final exam of first year, I touched the
lowest point of my entire academic career.
Despite all my well-meaning intentions, my
grades were still deplorably low; I had literally gained nothing intellectually from a full
year of university attendance, and worse yet,
I had made no real friends except for the UBC
Food Services attendants I had met in my
frequent visits to the SUB cafeteria.
As I registered for second year, I made a
vow to getmore involved with extracurricular
activities. I joined the Pre-Med Society and
became one of the many "Executive Mem-
bers-at-Large" who cut vegetables for the
club parties and help organize the mentally
stimulating Volleyball-and-Pizza Nights.
Although I have had to endure many cheap-
shot comments because of my involvement
with this club, I have no regrets about my
former association with them. There is no law
against being keen, and mention of my duties
with the club only appeared on my resume
ONCE. Furthermore, my two year stint as the
club's "token flunkie" helped me to gain character and invoked sympathy amongst members of the university's unofficial "Loser's
Club."
Without any doubt, the best thing I have
ever done at UBC was getting involved with
the Physics Society, the Science Undergraduate Society, and the Alma Mater Society.
These student organizations, like many others, promote social interaction and should
provide a casual and relaxing arena for student interaction and input ideally. They were
never intended to be a platform for petty and
wasteful bureaucracy - something that we will
certainly see more than enough of AFTER
leaving university - and should NEVER be
given more than the humble status that they
deserve. Through my involvement with Physsoc, SUS, and the AMS, I have unfortunately
witnessed some of the ugliness and meanness
that individuals are capable of when their
sense of perspective is blinded. The relative
unimportance of student politics in the full
scheme of things was forgotten at times, and
people's feelings were compromised unnecessarily. While such unpleasantness saddens
me, I remain grateful that such occurrences
remain relatively rare. Most of the people I
have had the honour of meeting and working
with have been incredibly kind and warm and
will always remain as lasting inspirations to
me.
Involvement with undergraduate student
societies can, on the whole, be a thoroughly
enjoyable experience. The amount of study
time you "lose'' by doing silly things like
attending beer gardens, going to meetings, or
scaling sides of tall free-standing buildings is
more than justified by the enjoyment they
provide.
My hope is that all science students will be
able to get as much enjoyment and enlightenment outside of your classes as you do in them
(JOKE?). Don't waste your time concentrating on academics alone - as I foolishly did at
one point - or you will be sorely disappointed
and unfulfilled at the end of your stay here.
Don't be afraid to go out and get "slap-happy"
once in a while at a beer garden, to write an
article or letter for your favorite student paper
or even try your hand in an elected position for
you club or society. If you are successful in
you efforts, you will have made yourself a
more relaxed and well-rounded individual; if
not though, ...well...IT JUST DOESN'T
MATTER, so you have absolutely nothing to
lose.
Good luck with your upcoming exams and
with the events during the rest of you life.
Antonia Rozario enjoys long walks,
moonlit nights, hurling pizza boxes at
startled pedestrians as she roars by at
seventy.
Layout and Pasteup: Aaron Drake as well
as those who helped last issue but weren't
listed; Mark Hoenig, Erik Jensen.
Typists: Aaron Drake, Alexandra Ball.
E Copyright J 991. All works are copyrighted
[ in the name of the author. If na name is
S affixed to the work, it is copyrighted in the
[ name of Aaron Drake,
Circulation; 4000, my i»omt and an old
S-ierrf in. Trail B,C.
Printed by College Printers.
Any similarities, and all that Get the bag
out af yaurfrutt, if y en've been poked fun
at la this Issue, Otherwise, we'fl do it
again. Mwaaa ftaahanahtewahahaha-
nasaaii
Special thanks to a lot of peopJet Caireen
> Antonia, Ari, Derelt, Dav1d> Alan,
Morgan, Kelly, Leoaa> Jason, Patrick,
Elaine, Orvin, Trent, Rachel, Mark,
Dean, Erik, Jason, Greg* Cesare, Fred
Vysfc, As roue has I hate the long hours
sometimes, I wouldiA give it up for the
world, I'm gonna miss this job.
Special thanks to Patrick* without whom this
paper would harelost a lot of its personality -
there would hav«been no caricatures. gpeciat
thanks to David, who came up with the bril- i
liant concept for the masthead, and which I ]
exploited to give what was The 432's only ]
social comment (hiriong the Gulf War* As
well* thank you to Derek Miller, whom was j
the one person that I never felt compelled to
call and rant about getting his article in on
tiroe.Yhts paper is as much matleupoFywoas
it Is of me, Der<**Thaksto Alan Douglas, who
brought m (its very successful Ed Short, a
concept, t must admit, I had my doubts about*
Alan brought a new perspective to the paper,
filling bote that had existed for <juite a while*
Special thanks to Caireen F«r her support and
welcome laughter. I needed that, sweetie*
Kt»iHu*t tt bfotmttw- USWt tTBAMMtTtTf* at
1* HOT, repent NOT, Hie ttoyjMjr. tot teara, The 432 )s so
4mtx4 popular i* (xSdwrffc^uiHjsfinply, w*t* keenly Kj
entertain Scfeue* 5tuefen&. That Js th* number one purpose
«f,rhe«*,an<t»fl*c&«c«Wi^>|SCUJPtN01tifpnrlfBj
Hi*rtu*;n(»t>ontSrJS.WhyJSIinn[y)«<:wiMjw«€ANXOT
fnfi*n> $*(«,« ttwfctfe rt* w SITS « ttx* w&\ ttH The
43Z. So ibsBt <t thing jna forts-to do (a make IhemW&NTto
mi TU *& And m tett #<* tb)*, I* *H tny $m<t <*
exper lew* as » student: student, wttf Sapptly reatf humour
EVg&r Ira*, ftwrow )s <*<•#<*►*.
$0 tertmot chttfte 4*e <f&«*«bA. Cfemg* *$ *faij>e,*ha<u&e
Bit Ideology, whatever. Jusl keep K humorous. WhjT Be-
<sm$e ft* $fts & noMm *f**ttt * *w»4piptr (* telt the
pcopta ahoot HKiraetyra. Ana B»( BcvwoaiMr to onty etftc-
U»etf^e<5,to^#)(.J»*opfcnH]|)totr#^t(»rftlJopg1vt(h«*n
»bsi (bty-wani; «itert»Hnn«tC
Thank Joti-aft Otnd ntfcnt.
The 432
March  27,1991 SUS Productions Proudly Presents
THE
LAST CLASS BASH
Friday April 5th (The Very Last
Day of Classes), SUB Partyroom
4:30 pm - ???
TICKETS $4.00 (GST FREE!)
Available Now At the Following Outlets:
SUB Ticket Office
Chemistry 160
OR Your Favourite Council Member
How do we do it? Volume, Volume, Volume!
DEADLINE: APRIL 5-, 1991
0)
in
in
in
CD
tn
0
in
<x>
CD
CO
0)
CD
CO
CD
CO
BLACK & BLUE QUESTIONNAIRE
Please fill out one column for every different secondterm and full year science course you are taking by placing the rating number in
the spaces provided. If you have more than one prof for a course, fill out for as many as necessary. Please drop this off in Chem. 160.
l=Strongly Agree 2=Mildly Agree 3=Neutral 4=Mildly Disagree 5=Strongly Disagree
Make sure your handwriting is
legible, and that you give the
professor's name!
INSTRUCTOR:
1. The instructor's notes and diagrams were legible and useful.
2. The instructor explained ideas and theories clearly.
3. The instructor made this subject interesting to me.
4. I found the pace of the lectures comfortable considering the
level of difficulty of the course.
5. The instructor was approachable and was available for
appointments.
6. I would recommend this instructor to other students.
COURSE:
1. The assignments/labs/tutorials were helpful for a complete
understanding of the course material.
2. The course required a significant amount of effort.
3. The prerequisites for this course provided me with an adequate
background.
4. The course required a large amount of memorization.
5. I would recommend this course to other students.
2§
0- O
Prof
Cou
2 o
Q- o
Prof
Cou
Prof
Cou
28
0- O
2 o
0. O
Prof
Coui
Prof
Coui
Prof
Cour
-
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