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 VOLUME NINETEEN ISSUE FOUR
2nd November 2005
©^ BM^©G?g9
[•Qj^B
'Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true/
■Neils Bohr
New Country, Tajikistan,
Discovered
Tajik President Retorts They've Always Been There, World Skeptical
(Dushanbe, Reuters)
The developed world has long
thought that the Earth has been fully
explored by Westerners. That belief
was called into question Friday afternoon
when it was announced that NASA, using
brand new satellite technology, has discovered a new country nestled between China,
Pakistan, and several countries formerly
belonging to the USSR. When pressed,
NASA commander in chief White West-
inghouse stated that they actually had the
technology for decades, but were just
never interested in the region until oil
prices reached the recent maximum of over
$60US a barrel.
Tajik President Orlov Meschinski publicly
berated the world for failing to notice them
all this time. "Just because we are a land
locked nation with no oil, no population
density to speak of, and no exportable
product doesn't mean we don't exist!" A
lack of communication infrastructure has
made it exceptionally difficult for this
small backwater country to become recognized. "We have no postal service and no
phones here. On the bright side however,
we also have no disgruntled postal workers. Workplace satisfaction in Tajikistan is
higher than anywhere else in the world, I
think. Not having any communications
devices more advanced than pen and
paper makes knowing what is going on in
the rest of the world difficult." When
informed of the existence of the internet,
Meschinski was dumfounded, "an internetwork exists? That could be really useful.
We don't have nearly enough access to
porn here." World leaders have congratulated Meschinski for immediately realizing
the most useful aspect of the internet.
The people of Tajikistan have tried many
methods to get the rest of the world to
notice their existence. "We have suicide
bombers, but they have never been able to
get out of the country because we have no
planes. We would have travelled by boat,
but we have no ocean access. We tried mail
bombs, but we have no post offices," said
President Meschinski. Tajiks have been
trying especially hard to get the attention
of the United States. The population of
Tajikistan is so happy in the work place
that without an oppressive government
they have nothing to complain about. (It is
common knowledge that no one is truly
happy unless they have something really
really big to complain about.)
US President George Bush was not to be
caught off guard by questions regarding
this new country, "If they are such a real
country, why haven't we declared war on
them ever?" he stated. When assured by an
aide that Tajikistan was in fact a real country, Bush immediately volunteered to
invade it as things in Afghanistan are pretty much settled and everyone is getting
tired of the whole Iraq war. "A new war
always seems to come off strong, so that is
what I'm going to do before the next election. Got to keep my party in power!"
Upon hearing the news that a corner of
the world had yet to be colonized, the
United Kingdom's royalty immediately
began talking of rebuilding its famed Navy
of the 18th century. "Queen Elizabeth has
been getting very jealous of President Bush
as of late," leaked an aide to the monarch,
"she regularly has temper-tantrums where
she throws herself down on the floor and
kicks and screams for half an hour or
more." These tantrums are of great concern
due to Her Majesty's age and frailty. "One
wrong kick and she will break a hip for
sure," added the aide, "I'm just surprised it
hasn't happened yet."
Prince Harry fully supports the rebuilding
of the navy claiming that the old sailing
ships are way sexier than the new nuclear
ones. "The constant threat from scurvy and
decapitation from huge steely balls just
makes the experience more real," said the
Prince. When reminded by Meschinski
that Tajikistan had indeed already been
part of the USSR, Prince Harry retorted,
"Well it's about time a real country invaded them then isn't it? Those Russians were
pretty useless invaders, they couldn't even
properly tackle Afghanistan, Hungary, or
Germany."
After pouting for several minutes he continued, "Besides, it's not fair, all my predecessors got to have all sorts of newly discovered places named after them. And
now I've joined the military and I'm going
to need something to do." Great Britain
was shocked and appalled to hear of his
readiness to abandon the humanitarian
efforts started by his mother that he had
been slated to continue upon his graduation from military school.
Many citizens of the world remain skeptical that Tajikistan actually exists. Mary-
Anne Whitmore of the US department of
International Relations said, "We were in
Afghanistan for at least a couple of days
bombing the shit out of them. Our bombs
are almost never on target, if Tajikistan is
actually right beside Afghanistan, we surely would have dropped several bombs on
them. Maybe if they can bring us some
good old American shrapnel, then I might
believe they are what they say they are."
THE PERRV BIBLE FELLOWSHIP BV NICHOLAS GUREWITCH
Pureed
Dog Chow
Hits Market
Market Files For Divorce
As the saying goes, you are what you
eat - so why should your dog be
any different? Purina has put it's
weight behind this adage, and is introducing Pureed Dog Chow - made from 100%
pure pureed dog! This nutritious and delicious dog food comes in puppy, medium,
and full-sized varieties. There is a formula
available to suit every body type, made
from every body type.
Veterinarians have embraced this new
brand, in large part because it solves a
major problem in their practices. Said
Rhonda Latiz, DVM: "people always come
to us to get their old diseased dogs euthanized. We need to get rid of these growing
piles of corpses somehow!" Vets also
applaud the inclusion of the hair of the dog
that bit you, which provides 80% of the
daily recommended intake of Rabies vaccination, and 100% of the daily recommended vitamin C intake.
Veterinarians aren't the only ones delighted with the new product. Four out of five
dogs approve of eating their brethren.
Owners can choose from liver, chicken,
beef, and dog-butt flavours to tempt even
the most picky eaters. The specially formulated balanced blend of husky, doberman,
and lean greyhound provides all the necessary nutrients to keep your dog healthy
and happy. Fun heart, liver, and kidney
shaped kibbles will make even your three
year old want to eat Pureed Dog Chow.
Find free samples of this modern diet for a
modern, dog-eat-dog world in your local
pet store or veterinary clinic, and keep a
look out for the soon-to-be-released, 100%
organic material, milk-bone replacement
'Femur Lite.'
WWW.THEPBF.COM
CLASS
OF'82
'REUNION
TODAY Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
2nd November 2005
Volume Nineteen
Issue Four
2 November 2005
Cerebral Cortex
Colleen Atherton
Dan Anderson
Corpus Colosum
Lik Hang Lee
Cerebellum
Jen Ross
Nik Pinski
Andrew Pare
Andy Martin
Chris Baitz
Lik Hang Li
Ventricles
Michael Duncan
Patricia Lau
Kiran Bisra
Francis Moon
Lisa Frey
Jamil Rhajiak
Lik Hang Li
Jon Lam
Sean Kearney
Efferent Nerves
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by a group of
super intelligent shades of blue in
the IFPO, a small fishbowlesque
structure in the underbelly of the
Student Union Buliding. All views
expressed in this issue are strictly
those of the individual writers, and
as such are not the responsibility of
The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are
encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Submissions must
make the editor chuckle at least
thrice, and must contain the
author's name and contact information - under penalty of death by
sexual dysfunction!
We would like to encourage reader
feedback, though we try to avoid
reader feedback loops - they
squeal too much. And remember: If
you haven't got anything nice to
say, say it to us so we can ridicule
you in print!
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com
Please? Pretty please? I'll give you
a coooooo-k/e...
Andy's Unique Geek Critique
Andy Martin
20-Sided
A
11 of us who travel the paths of
learnedning have to examine our
lives and ask: am I a geek?
For most of my life I proclaimed that no, I
was not. Most of my friends were, to varying degrees. Some would give a few hours
a week to an online life-simulator. Others
would dive into the geeky deep end with a
giddy squeal, their hands full of $100 bills
to drop on role playing rule books and collector figurines that they would pilfer
away in their own personal dungeon.
There they would spend the majority of
their waking hours.
I thought myself spared. Sure, I played
my share of video games (and his share
and her share...), and I am a scientist for
fuck's sake. The fact that I would describe
my potato chip choices as "random sampling without replacement" and my analysis of female behaviour as "too low an 'n'
to be a representative sample'" would furrow brows of all but the <1% of people
who have some basic statistical training.
But dammit, while others would post long
blog entries about quantum physics and
could have big long conversations about
something so computerly technical that I
can't effectively re-create it here, I kept my
nose up... or down. My jobs always
seemed to involve non-geeky, almost jock-
y things, like killing things and dirty manual labour. Ecology, folks, the best of both
worlds. Be a geek and a jock at once. But it
all came to a head a couple of weeks ago.
I went to an early-Halloween party. The
theme was zombie-pirates, which could
only be made cooler if there were some
ninja elements thrown in. Anyway, I was
working the room and met a complete
stranger. He introduced himself as
'Stephen.' I and the girl I was hitting on
introduced ourselves and before we could
start making witty comments about each
others' costumes he quickly added, "if you
play World of Warcraft, I'm known as Gel-
lywyzer". I stood dumbstruck at the wave
of geek that had just flooded my town of
cool. The girl however, grabbed the ball
and ran with it. "Oh, which server do you
play on" She asked. Several other nerd
terms were exchanged until the subject ran
out and we could discuss costumes and
prices of various cheeses on the international market.
But it gnawed at my brain. World of War-
craft is today's heroin. It has derailed
careers, divided families, caused all that
violence in Iraq. [Yes, I have dabbled, but it
wasn't for me. Spending 3 hours virtually
collecting virtual pebbles to complete the
next quest was not in my best interest at a
time when I wanted a real-world life.] And
here I stood between two junkies. I've been
forced to make pleasantries with worse,
such as convicted felons and the huge guy
the month before who was wearing a biker
jacket with a swastika who really liked my
band.
The true horror had come a few hours earlier when I found myself walking through
a Con to find a friend. A 'Con', if you don't
know, is a geek convention where people
who enjoy things of the geek persuasions
register in advance and put money down
in order to play their RPG card games and
Dungeon Master all over the place for
entire weekends in large rooms filled with
their ilk. I stepped through the double
doors and just felt a suffocating aura. Here
I was, surrounded by over 500 people, all
gaming or conversing about gaming. And
I had to wade through it to find one person. I was focusing on not making eye contact until I saw, at one of the vending
tables, a plush Beholder.
Then I ran over to see how much it was.
Being just a tad too much I continued on
my quest, which turned out to be fruitless
as my friend was waiting in her hotel room
who's number I didn't know.
Anyway, the only place where I will
admit a small level of geekery is the inter-
web. The main spot of online time-wasting
is myspace. This little beast consumes a
good slice of my free time. But again, I
don't go whole hog. I use myspace to promote my band (you can check us out at
www.myspace.com/pale_horse ...let's see
if that works). It's a great tool to get my
music out to people in this crumbling
music world we all live in.
So I fully admit to using the geek thing to
promote my 'cool' project. The ends justify
the means... right? If I can increase my fan-
base and network by spending an hour a
day in this 'virtual meet market', then it's
fully worthy it. But meeting some people
on this myspace dealio is downright scary.
I've always held the opinion that there is a
large 'shut-in' population of weirdos who
lack the ability to interact regularly with
the rest of the world, but we never see
them just because of that fact. The only
way you'll ever run into these people is...
on the internet.
The stalkers are the first line of scary. One
started sending messages every day... then
started asking for advice with personal
issues... then started inviting me over at all
hours... then somehow acquired my
phone number... I put a stop to it, saying I
wasn't gonna hook up with a chick who
was already that clingy. Past that, one runs
into these 'myspace whores' who are people who are just looking for more people to
call their 'friend.' These people clutter your
mailbox asking you to 'whore them' (i.e.
asking your 'friends' to add them to their
'friends' list), and, on a given day, the most
desperate of them will post 30-40 messages
a day asking you to add their 'great friend'
who is whoring them to their friends. Who
the hell are these people and will they ever
be able to function in regular society? I am
fully a fan of girls with low self-esteem but
c'mon, get at least a mild amount of life
here. Yet I'm one of them, as I'm always
trolling the page for new 'friends', mostly
to try to spread the word of my band, but
also cuz it's kind of fun. And I am prideful
of my restraint to not delve into the abyss
of mass irritation for my own benefit. ...At
least while it's not profitable.
But how will one know when one is a
geek? A simple set of 9 questions should
decipher it:
Geek Test:
1. A 'Beholder' is:
a) Someone who gonna get stung unless
they let go
b) The one who has beauty in their eye
c) The last thing you want to run into in
the Goblin Castle.
2. Jesus saves,
a) Yes
b)No
c) The rest of you roll for damage
3. Best movie you saw in the theatre this
summer
a) Stealth
b) The Corpse Bride
c) Why go to the theater if you have Bit-
torrent?
4. What's your favorite band?
a) Pantera
b) The Killers
c) The Mini-Bosses
5. How many PC Totems do you own
a) What the hell are you talking about?
b) One, but it's really cool, like a plush
Cthulhu
c) If they're all over the floor, do they
count as PC totems?
6. What's your favourite sport?
a) NASCAR
b) Calvinball
c) The minigame in Grand Theft Auto
7. You're introduced to an attractive member of the opposite sex. You:
a) Check for a wedding ring.
b) Make pleasant conversation about subjects that would be of interest to them.
c) Roll to see if I sleep with him/her.
8. What did you go as for Halloween?
a) Costumes are for 12 year old kids
b) Superman's retarded nephew
c) The star of my favorite Hentai.
9When buying a vest, the most important
factor is:
a) Price
b) Quality and appearance
c) Stat bonuses
Bonus question just to get the number to
'10 questions', a number probably more
comfortable to society:
Writing the last question of a final exam,
you know that if you answer it to the best
of your ability, you'll earn an A+ (+90%).
However, if you knowingly answer the
question poorly, you'll get exactly 89% in
the course, and your GPA will be exactly
3.78, a number divisible by 42. Write a
short essay detailing your internal struggle
and compare with the conflicts of several
characters from 'A Song of Ice and Fire'.
Scoring: I think you can figure it out for
yourself, nerd.
Next Deadline:
4:32 pm Friday November 12th
Or better yet come out and hang and write on
Saturday November 13th at 8 pm. Food and
bevies provided. 2nd November 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Lasers in a Nutshell
Andrew Pare
Zappy
Sitting in my thermodynamics lecture
recently I found myself once again
trying to figure out if cleaning my car
was violating the second law of thermodynamics (after every reaction the total chaos
is greater than in the initial state) and
hence was immoral is some way. Returning my attention to class momentarily I
came to a sudden realization while listening to our prof talk about laser cooling.
Lasers do everything.
Here's a short list of some article titles I
found on the internet: Laser Beams Sort
Stem Cells by Springiness, New Laser
Technique Measures Brownian Motion of a
Single Particle, Northrop Grumman deliv
ers a high-power solid-state laser for Missile Defense Agency's Airborne Laser Program, Laser Activated Voltammetry,
Quantum Cascade Lasers, Laser Induced
Fluorescence and Fluorescence Depletion,
Europe Plans Laser-Fusion Facility, Laser
Cooling by Coherent scattering, Thermo-
gravimetric Analysis With Laser Heating.
Now I know what you're thinking, Lasers
can't heat things and cool them right? That
just doesn't make sense. Apply Occam's
razor and you soon see the truth. Whenever a scientist or professor gets stuck while
writing a grant application, they spew a
proposal of some new laser technique and
followed by the usual hand waving explanation have their grant money in the bag.
It's time for the truth to come out and all
this fraud to cease. Lasers can't do any of
this stuff. The single pure and true application of a laser is quite simply the Death
Ray, that's it.
Why is The 432
Called "The 432?"
This question has plagued mankind for ages! Or at least for
long enough for the paper to be of legal drinking age. Now
it's your chance to mistakenly (but amusingly) mis-remember history! Email The432@gmail.com with your (brief)
explanation of why The 432 is called "The 432" and you
could be the happy winner of a lovely gift basket from the
new chic shop in the.village, "The Liquor Store." The most
amusing answer (note: NOT the closest-to-correct answer!)
wins, and the bestrunners-up will be printed!
TYve
OS******
ft teJces 1 o
after 4:20. U mmutesH
32/4 = 8
8/2 = 4
By pythagoras it must be named The 432.
4.32 se'conds was the fastest boat
race (4--person relay beer chug) in
Scierfce history at the time.
t +hp conttib-
Campus Conspiracy
Uncovered
Chris Baitz
Not Just a Pretty Face
Recently a number of movies have
been closing portions of campus.
Though this causes great joy to the
few admirers of such stars as Al Pacino,
that kid from Smallville and Geoffrey the
Wonder Goat, the vast majority of students
just find it to be another UBC nuisance
blocking the path to beer, midterms, and
beer. It has been known for years that UBC
is gradually slipping into the ocean, however few realized this was not the only
place the fair campus is slipping. Most
people brush off the inconvenience of filming and continue their day, but one student, Georg Curious, decided to look at it
in a little more detail and came out with
the shocking result that UBC is slowly slipping into another dimension.
Most students only assume that these film
interruptions are another Martha plan to
make money for the university, but in actuality UBC makes hardly any money off of
these productions. They are in fact just a
cover, a distraction for what is really going
on. If a building, Koerner library for example, begins to slip away, UBC just throws
some stars in front and us normal people
(or "normies" as referred to by the
researchers of the effect) don't notice the
vanishing building. This method is a lot
easier, said Curious, than the university's
original method of brainwashing the entire
campus. It is also a lot cheaper than keeping the whole student population drunk
twenty-four hours a day. How many people remember the Macjello building that
used to be at the MacMillan 2 location? The
researchers (or "superhero league" as they
refer to themselves) have only begun to
understand the effect.
"We understand that it has been brought
upon us by the USA," says "superhero
league" head, Bill Spiderman. "It must be
some form of anti-terrorism experiment."
Spiderman went on to say that the location
of origin of the effect was determined
because anything with pro-American logos
was left untouched. This allows for an easy
blocking technique for afflicted buildings.
The University can attach American signage onto any buildings and they are
shielded and remain in local dimensions.
This also allows for easy disguising since
the new signs can be blamed on the movie
filming. As a result, UBC must constantly
act like a used up East Hastings whore and
sell it's once voluptuous, forested body to
rich Hollywood businessmen in order to
stay in this dimension.
This affect has been occurring on campus
for a number of years and it is only been
with recent developments that UBC can
actually save the buildings. This is the real
cause of new sites such as the Irving K.
Barber construction/Main library decon-
struction. Main library was rapidly slipping back in time, as could previously be
witnessed by visiting the stacks. Main was
also slowly changing into a submarine.
Annual measurements showed that the
staircases were narrowing at a rate of
0.5mm a year. At that rate they would have
reached submarine proportions by the
time the Olympics came to Vancouver in
2010. Also, why would it take such a long
time to complete any of the new buildings
if it weren't for dimensional slippage?
Wanda Woman, another researcher in the
"superhero league", says she hopes one
day to be able to block the effect entirely.
"We hope to create a Force Field around
campus. Unfortunately, to encompass the
entire campus, the generator needs to be
very high up. The original idea was to use
the Marine Drive towers, but the nudists
laid waste to those plans." Woman continued to say that the current plan is to use
the U-Town developments along University Boulevard to house the generator.
Height restrictions placed on the buildings
by concerned UBC students however
means a force field generated there will not
be nearly as effective as the previously
planned Marine Drive Towers field.
The next time your way is blocked by
building construction, a Starbucks being
added, or movie production, know that the
University has your well being at top priority.
The UBC Heart Club Presents...
OPERATION CHRISTMAS CHILD
\at canyon do?
- We have all the supplies necessary to make the perfect Christmas box
to send to a child living in Latin America
- We are providing these small items at a subsidized cost to make it easy
for you to make a difference
- Pack a box, or donate funds towards gifts for a shoebox
- Come to our "Gift Wrapping Nights": November 8tn and November
10tn to help personalize each and every Christmas box
Come see us Monday,
November 7m and Tuesday,
November 8m in the Woodward IRC to help make a
positive contribution to a
young child's life!
*We are in no way affiliated with the
religious promotions of Samaritan's
Purse Foundation* Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
2nd November 2005
Whore-o-scopes
Dan Anderson
Spyglass-Happy
Aries
Your re-imagining of the Tienneman
Square horror using GI Joe tanks and Barbies will hit the internet by storm, prompting a swift and vengeful lawsuit by Mattel,
with even the US FCC getting involved.
You should've known better than to draw
nipples on a Barbie, sicko.
Taurus
You'll see that being heavy-handed with
the whip was a bad idea when you get
thrown from your horse next week. Your
spurs will catch and you will be embarrassed as you're dragged through the mud
in front of the friend you were trying to
impress. When will you learn that beaters
never off-spur?
Gemini
You've been hot in bed recently, but don't
let your sexual prowess get to your head;
the fever is a dead giveaway symptom,
and Syphilis is curable before it causes
insanity.
Cancer
The idea of a newsprint-fuelled refrigerator is a great one, especially with all the
junk mail and free newspapers around that
aren't good for much else, but your product will mysteriously receive unanimously
bad reviews from the most unlikely
sources, from Dan Savage to Miss Manners.
Leo
Many celebrities have discovered that
"accidentally" leaking their sex tapes can
be great for their career. Sadly, your
scholastic career won't improve. In fact,
your film professor will mark you down,
saying that your project in her class had far
worse acting than she knows you to be
capable of.
Virgo
It can be emotionally and even physically
draining, and it certainly takes more effort
than many are willing to put in, but the 18-
hour, all-night-and-part-of-the day sessions are worth it, so don't skimp on your
relationship with your long-term Risk
boardgamemate.
Libra
It will seem to be a completely viable
course of action, but the stars say that
dousing  the  house  in  gasoline,  glueing
thousands of matchheads to the floor of the
bathroom, tying matchbook covers to your
cat's paws, and throwing it in through the
bathroom window is in fact arson and not,
as you claim, a perfectly legal way to spay
a kitten. The verdict will be unanimous
once it is revealed that it was neither your
house nor your kitten, though the glue was
purchased legally.
Scorpio
When you wake up on a beach in
Malaysia, soaked and sunburnt, don't
come home. If you do you'll be just in time
to catch your eulogy, delivered by your
father to your mother and the priest,
focussing mostly on how proud he was
that you stayed a virgin until marriage,
even if you never got to marry. The disappointment of realizing your friends are all
too busy watching the Canucks-Avalanche
game to attend your funeral and the
embarrassment of discovering that your
parents know you're still a virgin would
make you hop on the next flight out of
town, ironically straight back to Malaysia,
so save yourself the hassle and stay on the
beach.
Sagittarius
The totem for Sagittarius is the centaur
cockfuckslutdamn. Because you have the
sun in Sagittarius, you shiteatingfuckfuck-
fuckearrapenasalcongestion also are in the
house of Gemeni, so be careful tabarnaces-
tichristdecolismossusfourerunevache not
to act overly impulsively, since grounded
actions are analbeadsdildonewbrunswick-
footfetishdeepthroatdogfuck what the
stars say will work best for you. Enjoy a
good movie, read a laptopfifteenblueim-
personationlivelyelbowsingboardgame
favorite book, relax by a fire.
Capricorn
Your groundbreaking descent will be
eagerly watched by hundreds of viewers,
though there will be a couple of cries of
"finally, he jumped. Maybe now this stupid
traffic will clear up" from the crowd.
Aquarius
You are one of the least intelligent creatures to grace this planet. You are gullible,
blind (though only metaphorically) and
would barely qualify as 'village idiot.'
After all, what kind of moron believes in
horoscopes?
Pisces
They say that being shat on by a bird is
lucky, but strangely your boss won't
appreciate you releasing twenty laxative-
fed pigeons into his office right before his
meeting with head office.
Shopgirl
Jen Ross
Doesn't Buy Girls
One would expect a movie written
by Steve Martin and starring Steve
Martin to be funny, and Shopgirl
was - except when Steve Martin was on
screen. Bizarrely different then standard
expectations, the movie did not use the
word "shop" even a single time, and the
word "girl," used six times, only appeared
in the lyrics of the soundtrack. There were
a few corny scenes, some even where they
slowed time down, and several strange
voiceovers, done by Steve Martin - not by
Steve Martin's character, just by Steve Martin as an omnipotent narrator (which, of
course, was not confusing at all).
A brief synopsis of the movie: girl is lonely. Girl meets strange boy in laundromat
and goes on date. Boy wants to use a jiffy
baggie as a condom. Girl is weirded out.
Girl goes to work. Old man buys $145
gloves. Girl goes home. Gloves in front of
door with invitation to dinner. Girl dates
old man. Yay for purchasing affection! Boy
decides to tour with a rock band. Old man
thinks he's in a no-strings relationship; girl
falls in love. Girl's coworker advises her to
give lots of fellatio and then cut him off to
make him love her. Girl says, "But I'm from
Vermont." Girl and old man date a long
time. Old man pays off girl's student loan.
Girl finds out old man looking on the side
for nice woman to make wife. Girl cries.
Girl sees strange boy again who now
dresses better. Boy says "I think I might
have objectified you instead of treating
you like the unique being that you are."
Girl dates boy and is happy. Old man finds
nice doctor lady. The end.
High points in the movie included Claire
Danes performance as Mirabelle Butters-
field, which felt real and included her crying in a particularly unattractive manner.
Because of course what we want from a
comedy is that horrible uncomfortable
feeling that comes from someone that
nobody cares about crying. Other notable
highlights include a nice patchwork quilt
on Mirabelle's couch, and Ray Porter's
(Steve Martin) very cool vocation - he is a
symbolic logician. Jason Schwartzman's
portrayal as the strange boy (Jeremy) is
highly amusing, and definitely helps keep
the movie entertaining.
That said, the movie is disjointed and a bit
strange to follow, like a series of vignettes
that don't quite meet up. It has many
amusing parts, but they are tied together
by melancholy reflective scenes that don't
progress. The fellatio isn't performed
explicitly on-screen, so that's no bonus.
(Well, maybe it's for the best that Steve
Martin isn't shown receiving oral sex, after
all.) If you're really the kind of person to
like the talkies, what it comes down to is:
wait until it's on video, but it is worth a
rental.
Eating
Well in
Junior Rez
Jen Ross
Nummy
Thank you for joining me once again
this year in our cooking lessons for
those who are sick and tired of the
mush they call food in the Junior Rez cafeterias. I endeavor to bring you tasty treats
that you can make in the comfort of your
own room or common area, using ingredients you can obtain using only your meal
card.
This week's column departs from the
usual as it contains one ingredient you cannot obtain on your meal card, though the
ingredient is optional. This fantastic liquid
has been used in premiere cooking for centuries, and adds a full-bodied, sensational
flavour to both cooking and your life. This
fantastic ingredient is beer. For this particular recipe, I recommend Pale Ale. I have
tested it with both Keith's and Granville
Island English Bay, and both give a full but
not overpowering flavour.
Pale Ale Poached Pears and Raspberry
Sauce
-1 bottle Pale Ale
- 1/4 cup sugar (visit the coffee bar, or
Hubbards/Magda's)
- Pinch of cinnamon (see above)- 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, if you can get it
- 1/2 cup water- 2 fresh pears (apples will
substitute nicely if the caf doesn't have
pears that day
- 2 teaspoons lime juice (Hubbards or
Magda's)
-1 cup raspberries (fruit bar at the caf)-1/4
cup sugar
- Vanilla ice cream, optional
Find a big microwave-safe bowl, and combine the beer, first measure of sugar, vanilla, cinnamon and water. Bring to a boil in
the microwave. Peel the pears, leaving the
stems intact. Roll in the lime juice to prevent browning. Put pears in the liquid, and
microwave on 50% power until pears are
tender, turning frequently. When pears are
easily pierced through to the core, remove
and place on a plate.
Bring the leftover syrup to a boil, and continue microwaving until there's only about
1 cup of syrup left. Add the raspberries
and microwave for a further three minutes,
stirring frequently. Stir in additional sugar.
Toss the pears back in the bowl, cover and
refrigerate, turning frequently. To serve,
place two scoops of vanilla ice cream in a
dish, and place a pear alongside. Pour 1/4
cup raspberry ale syrup over pear and ice
cream. Makes 2 servings.
Until next time, here's to avoiding the caf!
432 Editor Unable To Be Cognizant At 4am
Colleen Atherton
Editrix 2nd November 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Goddamn This Is An Ugly Page Of Ads!
"Well, if it's going to be ugly, you might as well put all the ugly together." -432 Editrix
What amazing discoveries and
research have you gotten yourself
involved in? Let the world know!
Send submissions to
ubcpara@gmail.com
^.
You think you can do better than this?
We're looking for a bold new design for our Science Week shirts.
Witty, creative, or geeky humor, make it memorable.
Bring your submissions to SUS and drop them in Jon's mailbox.
Contest closes Thursday, November 10th. „«-
The Science Undergraduate Society. Wearing funny t-shirts since a long time ago.
UBC HEART CLUB YOGA
Feeling a little sore from studying? Or do you need an excuse to stop
studying?
Come by UBC Heart Club Yoga this Wednesday, November 3 to take
some time for yourself!
This yoga class contains both relaxation and revitalization to increase
your stamina and mental awareness - great preparation for the grueling exams ahead!
When: Wednesday 5-6pm
Where: Scarfe 1020
Cost: $35.oo for 7 sessions
What do I bring:
Bottle of Water, Yoga Mat/Towel (if you
have one)
-and wear comfy clothes
University of
British Columbia
Altornertivw and IrrtworstrvB Medical Socwty
AIMS Newsletter is looking for your contributions
• Research a new therapy
• Review of book
• Summarize a recent study
Submit your articles to:      newsletter@aims.ubc.ca
www.aims.ubc.ca
Van Gogh at heart? Looking to get discovered?
Before you chop your ear off, enter the
Biophysics Students Society's
t-shirt design contest!
Designs must be white on a dark background
20cm x 20cm at maximum size
Submission Deadline: December 1st
Send submission and questions to: biophysicsubc@hotmail.com
Prize: A free t-shirt and campus wide recognition!
Look for t-shirt sales in January!
Visit http://www.phas.ubc.ca/~biophys/ for insipration.
J
Enjoy a cup of hot chocolate with
The Biophysics
Students Society
Every other thursday in Physsoc
(Hennings 307) from 12-1
Next Date: November 10th
CSPA PRESENTS:
IOI ni9H*
CSRA
Laugh
Thursday,
Out Loud Comedy
November 10
5:00pm, Location TBA
FREE ADMISSION Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
2nd November 2005
Corruption on set of
DaVinci's City Hall
Nik Pinski
Rhymes with Dick Pinksi
Special investigative reporter for The
432 Chuck Vanderlay has reported
some startling news from his insider's
look at the set of the new Vancouver-shot,
Vancouver-set spin-off television drama
"DaVinci's City Hall." Reports from Vanderlay and some of his insider sources
have revealed startling information about
egocentric star Nicholas Campbell and his
behaviour on set.
The 432 was first put on this story by an
anonymous source that insisted on going
by "Dordon Babmell." It is he that first put
Mr. Vanderlay in touch with a lighting
technician on the set. This unnamed crew
member was quoted as saying "NC is really starting to lose his mind. He's been playing Dominic DaVinci for so long that the
line between fiction and reality has completely blurred, even disappeared. It started back on DaVinci's Inquest when he'd
occasionally talk about being places he's
never actually been. Now he demands that
everyone in the cast and crew call him 'Mr.
Mayor' at all times - on and off set."
Further investigation revealed that Mr.
Campbell is actually taking considerable
bribes from actors so that they can get
screen time next to him during the television show. Certain insider observers may
have been surprised to see Jake Doig, a
well-known Pender-street coke dealer,
playing a DEA agent in the season premiere of "City Hall." According to Mr.
Doig it is not only unsurprising but quite
normal. "I was on the set supplying my
main man Nic with some good Columbian
damablanca, and he was coming up a little
short. I was ready to pull out my nine, and
make the situation a little messy but the
nigga was cool about it. He said that the
next episode deals with a drug tunnel that
is discovered linking Vancouver to Portland, and they need someone to play a
DEA agent in it. I was like fuck yeah, I
always wanted to act. Now I got a walk-on
part on next week's According to Jim."
Doig had a slight mishap with Campbell
when Campbell seemed physically unable
to come out of character. While trying to
sell Campbell his normal weekly allotment
of coke, Campbell came very close to calling the police and turning the drug dealer
in. Fortunately for Doig, the telephone
Campbell used was merely a prop and the
police never arrived. "I was pretty worried
that the fuzz was going to show up for a
couple of minutes there, he was so
adamant that he didn't do coke," said
Doig, "but then he hung up, and I checked
the receiver. No dial tone."
After "talking" to the police, Campbell
grabbed a pair of prop handcuffs and
attempted to apprehend Doig. It was only
after being hit repeatedly on the head with
a paperweight that Campbell was able to
pull out of character. He then immediately
took a hit of the coke he had just purchased.
Our own Chuck Vanderlay was able to
press further, and even got the director of
the second episode to open up a little. In
Mr. Simpson's own words, "Nicholas
Campbell is an honest, hard-working,
well-centered human being. He is definitely not crazy. That being said the man does
have a mescaline habit, and does more
coke per week than Rick James did in all
the 80s. My episode deals with a potential
skytrain line being built linking downtown
to Horseshoe Bay, and the opposition it
receives because some of the public think it
is unnecessary and goes through low-density neighbourhoods. During filming a
scene where the Mayor meets the head of
the Do-HNSV-Right committee, Nicholas
freaked out after I said cut, grabbed his co-
star by the neck, and yelled 'Don't you
dare fucking oppose me. This line will be
built. I was chief coroner, who the fuck are
you, you NIMBY shit!' But other than a lot
of tiny incidents like that, the shoot has
been a walk in the park for me and my
crew."
Biological Sciences Society of UBC
Attention Biology GradS
C Mini-Composite Sj|||j
IBEBBZBBB   *.IM
!IIBIBII3320BHlBB3IHIiaBI
EBBfl22£3323BaBBaBBBBBEBBIB
BBBEaB3233aESfl9BBBBBBBIBBB
■IflflflBBBaflBBBBIBBBBBBBBBBB
BBIBIEC^BBBBBBBBBBBBBBI
Size of mini-composite: 11'X14'
Early bird price: $22 only
Before November 30v
Regular price: $25 After November 30
Evangelos price: $25 + tax ($28.50 incl GST & PST)
The first 100 people who purchase the mini-composite
will be automatically entering a draw for a Grad Photo
Portrait Package values $67.95!
Sales take place at Biosoc Office
Biol2408, next to Biol2000
During office hours
Email: biosocgrad@yahoo.ca
Our website: http://www.zoology.ubc.ca/biosoc
Finally, Relief For
New Orleans
Nothing To Do With Constipation, Really
Lik Hang Li
Chocoholic
In a press release from the White House,
President Bush announced a multi-Billion dollar plan to supply Halloween
candy to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
"Our nation will not stand by and watch
the citizens of New Orleans suffer from a
lack of sugar and fattening treats! We must
stand together and provide for those in
need."
While President Bush would not release
financial details for the plans or where
funding would come from, a closed-door
meeting in Ottawa last week, between Secretary of State Candyleezza Rice and
American Ambassador to Canada David
Wertherkins, provided some details. A
leaked document from that meeting indicates there are plans to add a clause to the
NAFTA agreement allowing the use of the
$5 billion in softwood tariffs imposed on
Canada to fund black market imports of
Nestle Hershey and Lindt & Sprungli
products to "certain Southern States."
Were this deal conducted through legal
channels, many Canadian chocolate manufacturing plants would stand to gain substantial sums. However, once again Bush
has gone out of his way to "be frontin' on
Canada."
Requests for comments from the Coalition
for Fair Lumber Imports, the lobby group
which pressured the US to impose duties
on Canadian lumber, were declined. Prime
Minister Paul Martian informed the press
at an emergency news conference that he
has contacted Bush. "I phoned Washington
to give Bush a piece of my mind and I
called him a tootsie roll for allowing such
an illegal move to take place. He retaliated
by calling me a lollipop and said he would
gladly eat the piece of mind I gave him."
Bush then reiterated his commitment to
the war in Iraq, the war on drugs, and the
war on the Canadian economy.
The Bush administration has indicated
that it is fair for Americans to use the
money for illegal purposes, given that the
money was obtained illegally in the first
place. They then stomped their collective
foot and claimed that the money wasn't
actually obtained illegally and if Canada
doesn't like it they should go run crying to
the International Trade Tribunal again.
However it is currently only speculation
that this is the source of funding for the
rare act of government kindness Hurricane
Katrina victims will receive for Halloween.
Although the American Dental Association has no connection with the Hurricane
Katrina relief efforts, they immediately
held a press conference after the White
House press release. Dr. Hersh Ehug San-
kices, the District of Cadbury Society Public Relations Committee chairwoman and
ADA consumer advisor, wanted the American public to know that the association
placed their full support behind the program. She stated, "I want parents to know
that trick or treating can be detrimental to
children's dental health. I encourage you,
as parents to protect your children and
instead eat the candy yourselves." She then
encouraged the American public, particularly those in the New Orleans region, to
visit their dentist much more frequently.
Dr. Sankices proceeded to offer some
basic information on teeth, diet and proper
oral care that all parents should be aware
of to preserve their child's beautiful smile.
"Regular appointments for oral cavity
reconstruction after the pleasure of Halloween candy will ensure your pearly
whites are not the colour of expensive
black Indonesian pearls," she instructed,
noting that there are 14-month layaway
plans which allow most parents to complete payment on the surgery by the
Christmas the next year.
SUS Elections
Results
YOUR NEW GENERAL
OFFICERS
Name - Vote Count
Rebecca Abernethy -147
Wynnie Lau -117
Andrea Smid - 95
Aaron Sihota - 78 (penalized vote count)
Varun Ramraj - 73
Daniel Lee - 67
Melody Ma - 56
Khanh Nguyen - 45
Rochelle Leung - DQ
Tim Vanderheide - DQ
Sanjay Singh - DQ 2nd November 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
The Cantankerous Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
sus is President
finally getting back into the swing of
things. Both our committees and the Faculty of Science committees have been mostly
filled, but if you are still interested in getting involved, check out www.sus.ubc.ca,
under the "society" tab for more info. Then
email sus@interchange.ubc.ca if you are
interested in any of our committees.
I will be soon meeting with Dr. Ingram,
the Dean Pro Tern, for the first time since
the position has turned over. If you have
any concerns you want brought up with
the Dean or anyone in the Dean's Office,
email me at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca
and I will be sure to bring them up with
him. I can get you an answer for the reason
behind your concern or I can try and have
things changed to better suit students.
Lastly, the social space is once again
behind schedule. I was meant to have a
meeting this past week about the budget
and the delay in construction but it was
abruptly cancelled two hours before it was
meant to start. I am extraordinarily frustrated with the slow process at which this
project is moving, but unfortunately, due
to budget constraints there is no easy solution. Just for perspective, when the project
was initially proposed, before Vancouver
was granted the Olympics, the budget was
$1.7 million, now, it is $2.45 million and the
square footage is slightly smaller. This
illustrates the skyrocketing price of construction in Vancouver, due to the 2010
Olympics, which has hindered our
progress all along.
Kiran Bisra
VP Internal
What did I do for the past two
weeks for SUS? For the undergraduate science students of
UBC? For the love, war and peace?
What did I organize, work on, or fuck up?
1. First Year Committee
Executive is prepped and ready to GO! I
"watch" the First Year Committee and
make sure they don't get too carried away.
This committee is comprised of First Year
students. We've met three times now, and
the executive has been voted in. Currently,
we are in the brainstorming and planning
phase. If you have any suggestions for
"dry" events, please contact me.
2. SUS Magnets
I have gotten Council approval to purchase up to 3000 SUS magnets to promote
our website. I'm hoping to order them as
soon as the price
drops (the price fluctuates frequently).
3. Internal Matters
SUS Whistler Retreat 2005 One of the most
important and time consuming things the
Vice President Internal does is plan the
annual Whistler Retreat for SUS Councilors. This retreat allows for the 50+ councilors to get to learn about the various SUS
committees, learn about their councilor
duties, and have an amazing time doing it.
There are workshops, information sessions, and group groping sessions. This
year's retreat was great success as I believe
we all worked hard and partied
hard...maybe too hard.   The theme for this
Francis Moon
D. of Finance
I
have a few very important things to
report for this issue of the 432.
A) The final figures from Jagerfest is finally in! We have made a record revenue from
this event. I've counted $3,168.00 of revenue and expenses will be finalized once
all the receipts are brought in.
B) Buck-A-Burger #2 held on October 21st
was another huge success! We brought in
$361.75, slightly more than last Buck-A-
Beaker.
C) There will be a Budget Committee
meeting on Wednesday, November 9th at
5:00 PM sharp in LSK 202 (SUS lounge).
This meeting is extremely important since
your club will not be getting any financial
support if you do not attend this meeting.
If you absolutely cannot make this meeting, you MUST send a proxy who can do
the following tasks outlined below.
To prepare for this meeting, I need you
year's retreat was "MTV Music Awards".
Everyone was required to dress up as their
favorite recording artist.
Make-up Retreat For councilors who
couldn't go to Whistler, I planned a make
up workshop. This was the first year this
was done as I felt that those councilors
who didn't go would be at a disadvantage.
As I explained the duties of the councilors,
there was laughter, there were tears, there
was definite fear.
4. Exec Report
Writing this exec report and having to
relive the past two weeks.
Please send any concerns, comments, or
questions to vpi.sus@gmail.com
guys to bring/prepare the following
1. Your club membership list - You will be
getting funding based on number of your
members
2. Your club budget for this year
Please submit #1 and #2 electronically by
Monday, November 7th @ 10:00 pm to
sus.finance@gmail.com
3. 5 minute presentation of your plans +
budget report for your club - Please be
familiar with your budgets and club
events. Having a good presentation can
help obtaining more financial support for
the second term.
4. You need to email me the time that
works for you. Email me back whether the
following time works or not so that I can
see who's receiving the email and who is
not.
5. This meeting is open to any science students who would like to see how the budget committee meeting is run. I would
strongly encourage everyone to come.
If you have any questions please email me
@ sus.finance@gmail.com
Jonathan Lam
VP External
It's Science Week time! That's right
folks, after a long year's slumber, Science Week Committee is gearing up
and back in action. For those of you who
don't know, Science Week is the biggest
week of the year for Science students and
for SUS. With all of its volunteers, Science
Week committee will help put together the
best constituency week at UBC.  So  if
you're
looking to help out, whether your flair is
for event planning, sponsorship and promotions, or just volunteering to run
events, give me an email, or better yet, just
drop by the Committee meetings! Our
meetings are every
Monday from 4:00-5:00 in LSK Rm. 202.
Hope to see you out!
Sean Kearney
Social Co-ordinator
SUS Beer Gardens return to the SUB
Partyroom with a vengeance this Friday Nov. 4th! ETHANOL will feature
9 different PREMIUM IMPORTED BEERS
as well as a plethora of fine spirits. Beers
will be $2.50 and selection includes Stella
Artois, Bodingtons, Guinness, Becks, Sol,
Dos Equis, Lowenbrau, Leffe Blonde, and
Hoegaarden!
Highballs will be $2 and you have a choice
of Russian Prince Vodka, Bacardi, Crown
Royal, and Bombay Gin!
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
Hey SCIENCE!
So depending on when this issue comes
out SUS will be/have taking/taken on CUS
and AUS in the AMAZING MAZE! Vist
the SUS Lounge to see the results on the
sports board. As far as upcoming events
goes INSOMNIAC SOFTBALL is back!
Register your team for truely an "all-
nighter" in BC PLACE stadium! Registration ends Monday November 7th. And
Also look for $4 DeWar's Scotch, $4 jager-
bombs, $2.50 Jager shots, and $5 Grey
Goose Martinis and Cosmopolitans!!!
We are printing out 1000 tickets to sell for
1 cent each. They DO NOT guarantee entry
as we are SUBJECT TO CAPACITY SO
ARRIVE EARLY TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT! A small cover charge of $3
willbe required at the door so as to cover
room rental, security costs,sound equipment and our famous DJ K (the guy who
was spinning at Jagerfest!)
Any questions or comments hit me back
with an email.
Cheers,
Sean Kearney
since no one emailed me with their
favourite 80's song from my blurb in the
last issue of the 432 no one will get the
"prize"...kinda sucks eh? well too bad.
BUT because im so nice i'll give everyone a
second chance but for a different prize
(clearly not as good as the first prize). To
win with this issue of the 432 email me
(jrhajiak@interchange.ubc.ca) and tell me
what "P.Y.T." (as preformed by Michael
Jackson) stands for. The FIRST person to
email me with the correct answer will be
contacted with instructions on picking up
their prize, (this contest runs until the next
issue of the 432 comes out, and you cannot
have won the contest within 30 days).
Mike Duncan
Public Relations
Buck-a-Burger was another huge success mainly because of the most
amazing Buck-a-Beaker that is such a
great party. We sold over 300 burgers and
quite a few smokies (all for only one dollar). The next one will be happening in the
new year.
Unfortunately, we lost the chariot race
against the Engineers on Thursday. Nevertheless a big thank needs to go out to all
those who helped build the chariot on such
short notice and all those who helped us
race it last Thursday. If you didn't have a
chance to see it, it was quite the site.
This past Halloween Monday, SUS did a
promo campaign where we gave out over
1200 chocolate bars to Science Students.
Our aim was to get people more interested
in SUS and to, of course, promote ethanol
this Friday.
Make sure you check out the calendar in
the SUS lounge (lsk 202) for the latest and
greatest events put on for Science students.
Cheers, Mike
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Publications
Thanks for reading the exec reports!
Anyways, it's business as usual in
publications. Publication delivery
duties have been assigned to the department reps, and so far, the deliveries seem
to be working out great. Over the last three
432 issues, money has been saved as compared to last year because of some bargaining and pleading with the printing compa-
Lisa Frey
Secretary
This week, we finished our committee
appointments and the real work is
about to get underway. As chair of
the Code and Policies Committee, I am collecting suggestions for clauses in the SUS
Constitution that require revisiting.
Please email me (lisa.frey@gmail.com) if
you've got any suggestions for things that
ny at the beginning of the term. Unfortunately, this issue of the 432 has been tough
to work on due to an extreme lack of article submissions. We really need your help!
Submit your comical and satirical work to
us at the432@gmail.com
And finally, work on the Paradigm will
begin November 4th. We are looking forward to your academic articles and essays.
If you want a chance for them to be printed, please send it in to
ubcpara@gmail.com!
we should look at (peruse this important
document in pdf form at www.sus.ubc.ca).
I will be advertising my first committee
meeting time, which should be upcoming
in about a week or so, on the website. You
are all invited to attend!
Also, November is up, so check out the
calendar in the Lounge (LSK 202) for
upcoming events!
Thanks,
-Lisa-
Black Box Of Death! 2nd November 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Eight
This Week In Sports
Nik Pinski
Belligerent Fuck
What did I tell you? Did I tell you
or did I tell you? Or did I tell you.
I told you sometimes you won't
see a sports article from me for months on
end. So there now you're not allowed to be
mad anymore because you see I had a really good excuse. I didn't want to do it.
That's all. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. But the idiotic thing is I
actually still want to live, so even killing
myself wouldn't be any fun. Sweet. I'm
thinking about suicide. I've already got the
sports-writer mindset.
Let's start with my, your, and their Vancouver Canucks. They're doing well.
Except when Wade Brookbank is in the
lineup. Vancouver Canucks record without him in the lineup: 8 wins, 1 shootout
loss. Record with him: no wins, 2 losses. By
a combined score of 12 to 2. Some would
call what I'm about to say unprofessional,
insulting, alarmist, and short-sighted. But
screw them, they're goat fuckers. So here it
is anyway. "Dear Marc Crawford, please
shoot Wade Brookbank in the head. Preferably with a shotgun blast because that
mother's tough, he's not gonna go down
easy." Other than these two embarrassing
anal rapes by two divisional rivals, the
Nux are on a tear. Quite simply, and with
no exaggeration whatsoever, this team is
the deepest offensively since 1994, and has
the best top-4 defencemen in franchise history. For you non-sports fans (why are you
still reading, dumbass? Go read a physics
textbook.) that means bestest ever. Given
the pathetic 35 year history of the Canucks
that may not be saying a lot but it's still a
damn good defensive core. Steve
McCarthy and Nolan Baumgartner still
give me and a million other people in BC
heart attacks daily but we're very used to it
now. We've all become miniature Dick
Cheney's when it comes to those two boys.
I know I'm not alone in this. Whenever I sit
down to watch a game, I keep a bottle of
Benazepril right next to my Sleemans. Sip
of one. Sip of the other. So when Stevie M
decides it's a fun idea to try to skate on one
leg while shooting the puck in his own net
forcing Dan Cloutier to make another hamstring-injuring save, I'm ready. My left arm
hardly twitches anymore. Speaking of
Cloutier, I bet if you have friends (since
this is a science publication I have to put an
"if" before that statement) they've told you
how much they hate him. Don't listen to
them; your "friends" are morons. Dan
Cloutier does suck but not because of what
your friends say. He sucks because he can't
bounce back from tough goals that are not
his fault. Read that last sentence again
because it's important. Dan Cloutier
bounces back juuust fine from shitty goals
that are his fault. But it's when his defence
lets him down that he gets that puppy-dog
stare in his eyes, opens his legs wider than
Tara Reid, and doesn't stop until the local
sports team is down by 4. A more cynical
man than I would say he does that intentionally. I'll only say that he has weak
nerves. Alex Auld is 3-0-0 right now,
though. Draw your own conclusions.
The Chicago White Sox just won their first
World Series since 1917. For those of you
keeping score at home that's a fuckload
long time ago. Dick Clark was but a young
spry 32 year old lad. Since the Red Sox won
last year for the first time since 1918, all of
a sudden every single baseball sports
writer and every single Chicago Cubs fan
are saying "Could the Cubs be next?" They
haven't won since 1905. Dick Clark was
only 41. They're just all forgetting one tiny
little problem. The Cubs SUCK! Might put
a damper on those championship plans.
North Chicago, don't plan a parade just
yet. Just be happy with the Bulls (oh wait),
and the Blackhawks (oh shit I'm digging a
hole here...) Alright fine never mind, just
kill yourself. Or move to the South Side
and jump on the White Sox bandwagon.
It's not hard, though in my society you
would be legally executed for such a
manoeuvre. It'd be really ironic too. Your
own father would show up at your
doorstep on your next birthday with an
Oreo cookie and a shotgun. "Son, remember when I created you 22 years and 9
months ago? SURPRISE!" <bang>
The BC Lions seemed to have needed only
2 weeks to go from an unprecedented 11-0
start to a 12-5 record and needing to win
their last game of the season just to clinch
the West. I can write many a thesis on
Casey Printers and what a crapola of a situation that was. However I'm busy with
my existing Chemistry Thesis: "Nik Pinski:
Why Chemically-Speaking He's Better
Than You".
Back to the only sport anybody in this lil
town cares about: lacrosse on ice with less
padding. The "new NHL" as people have
been dubbing it is a smashing success.
Scoring is up. Games are more exciting.
The elite players of the game are given all
the room in the world to operate and make
pretty plays that make us all googley-eyed.
Just one problem. Nobody's watching!
And I'm not even talking about the States,
I'm talking about the first Saturday of the
regular season and CBC deciding that
broadcasting the Edmonton/Vancouver
game is beneath them because of some
bullcrap "labour practices" or whatever.
Listen, CBC, if I don't buy that shit from
the teachers, I'm certainly not gonna buy it
from you. There are some people in this
world that just should not be allowed to
strike because they are too important to
keeping peace in society: cops, teachers,
and, in Canada specifically, hockey play-
by-play announcers. You're fucking lucky
that bullshit only lasted one week. Any
longer and Glenn Healey wouldn't be able
to walk down Robson without getting his
head blown off. No hockey is the only
thing that pisses off the Vancouver yup
pies more than when Nam runs out of
organic tofu soup or whatever it is that
those aborted fetuses eat for brunch. As for
the States, don't even bring that up. The
NHL is getting a rating of 0.4 in the States,
meaning only 0.4% of the population
watches it when it's actually on. That's a
rating only slightly lower than reruns of
The Clapper infomercial. So, clearly there's
progress and hope for the future.
The NBA regular season begins shortly,
and there's a lot to say and no room in this
article to do it. Stay tuned for a full preview next issue.
That's all folks. I realize we haven't
touched on the NFL but who cares. It's not
like there's anything interesting to say
until after week 9 when New England
plays Indianapolis for the first time and we
find out if the Colts really have a shot at
any glory this year. Teddy Bruschi will be
back for the Patriots by then, and look out
cuz the guy is gonna be on a mission to
destroy anything that moves in an opposing uniform.
Your Science Undergraduate Society Presents
H       H
Eti ANOL
Friday, Nov. 4th
7-11pm
SUB Party room
$2 Premium Highballs
$2.50 Import Beer
$2.50 Jagermeister
$5 Grey Goose Martinis
$4 Jagerbombs/Vodka Redbull
$4 Scotch
Stella Artois, Bodingtons, Guinness, Becks,
Hoegaarden, Leffe Blonde, Sol, Dos Equis,
Lowenbrau, Grey Goose, Bacardi, Bombay,
Drambui, DeWar's, Jagermeister, Crown Royal
"PREMIUM BOOZE, STUDENT PRICES"
Featuring Jagerfest's famous DJ K!
Tix:1cent (must have in advance) Cover: $3
Info: Sean Kearney© 604.616.7124

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