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The 432 Sep 18, 1996

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Array "If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." -Doug Larson I
Bzzr Gardens Cancelled!
Mass exodus from UBC expected!
Earl Warren
Rawing Correspondent
UBC President David
Strangway, announced
Monday that bzzr gardens at the University of British
Columbia have officially been
canceled.
Citing a recent precedence setting law suit
involving the
family of a Nike
employe e ,
Strangway
explained that
the famous
weekly events
have been canceled due to
legal considerations.
When pressed
for a comment
after the press
conference, Strangway insisted
that he had not previously
known that there were alcoholic beverages being served at
the events. "I had no idea that
there was alcohol being consumed at these 'bzzr gardens.' I
mean, who spells beer with two
z's?" asked Strangway. He later
explained that he had been
under the impression that 'bzzr'
was some kind of bedding
plant.
The student body is expected
to react adversely to the
announcement, and arrangements have been made with the
RCMP to control any student
reaction. Riot squads from
Vancouver, and several surrounding municipalities have
been put on standby, and
Campus Patrol has been briefed
on basic crowd control techniques.
Campus Patrol
Troupe Leader
B a r r y
Rosinthal, fingering a new
baton, and
proudly displaying a neatly stitched tear
gas patch, was
quick to
explain    that
these measures
were'   merely
precautionary.
"None of us want to actually
have to use this new equipment. Well, maybe some of the
guys wouldn't mind getting a
scratch or two on these new
batons... I mean we all like to
kick some..." began Mr.
Rosinthal, before being escorted
out by an embarrassed looking
RCMP officer.
AMS representatives have
already       expressed       their
"I had no idea that
there was alcohol being
consumed at these
'bzzr gardens.' I mean,
who spells beer with
two z's?"
- Dr. Dave Strangway
"extreme disappointment" at
the decision, and have added
that the agreement is clearly a
violation of "basic human
rights."
432 reporters caught up with
AMS President David Borins at a
recent social event. Toying with
a freshly emptied cider bottle,
he confirmed the society's stand
on this issue.
"This is absolutely ridiculous,"
said Borins, bravely keeping his
intestines in check. "I'd rather
they canceled class, to be honest. I mean, beer gardens are
what UBC is all about. Saturday
to Thursday is just filler."
Borins also added that the AMS
may have legal grounds to fight
the decision. He explained,that
the contract signed last year
with the Coca Cola Company
included a clause in which bzzr
gardens would haveto continue
for the next 10 years. This
clause coincided with the soft
drink conglomerate's plans to
market their own brand of beer,
which, by contract would have
to be the only beer sold on campus. When questioned about
the privacy clause involved, in
which the AMS cannot release
the details of the contract,
Borins expressed his surprise
with a verbal exclamation, and
excused himself to a nearby
washroom.
_J*feMlo
According to sources from various campus clubs and undergraduate societies, plans are
already underway to keep the
beer flowing. Several people
have suggested forming 1950's
style 'speakeasies,' in which students can gather and drink
warm beer from plastic glasses.
Indeed, one source claimed that
work has already begun on the
first of these secret locations.
"I can't tell you where it's
gonna be, man," said a wild
eyed, nervous looking male.
"It's gonna be real big.
Somewhere in the SUB. But I
can't tell you any more than
that," said our unnamed informant, before disappearing into
the crowd. Intrepid 432
reporters have suggested that
the newly renovated student
services office on the main floor
of the SUB my just be a clever
front for such an operation.
Meanwhile, students are
arranging various forms of
semi-silent protest. Arts students are planning a candlelight vigil, while students in the
engineering complex are busy
gathering large rocks, and
heavy stones. None of the
Engineers were willing to comment on the purpose of this
activity, though passers-by
seemed convinced that someone would probably get hurt.
An immediate result of this
decision has been seen at local
Liquor Stores, where shelves
have been emptied by worried
students. Fearing the worst,
many people have began stockpiling, filling residence rooms
and basement suites to the brim
with cases of beer and cider.
One student was eager to
explain his actions.
"Could you imagine?" asked
Ron Willard, a second year
Agricultural science major. "No
bzzr gardens. This place'll go
crazy. I'm not taking any
chances. I sold back all of my
books, and spent all the money
on beer. My girlfriend thought I
was crazy, but I'll show her. I'll
show all of 'em!"
Campus officials, however,
maintain that this action was
necessary. Figures released by
UBC administration show a
beneficial effect on the
University budget. Major areas
in which money will be saved
include campus maintenance
and student counseling service.
University Hospital officials
have also expressed their support of this decision. Hospital
representative Mary Foyerson
indicated that the $2 million
originally directed toward a
new stomach-pumping ward
will now be spent on "more
important projects."
Arts Fun?
Mark Kram
The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus:
"Everyone should know their asymptote from a hole in the graph.
Backwards Correspondent
Citing a recent article in a
campus newspaper quotr
ing recently fired
Professor Albert Trebla as saying
that the Buchanan buildings
were the worst maintained
buildings he had ever taught in,
University director of marketing
Erwin Niwre has proposed that
the Buchanan- buildings be designated as ah amusement ride
attraction.
"The designation of Buchanan
as an amusement ride will definitely make Arts one of the
more fun faculties on campus if
it isn't already the easiest." says
Fiona Anoif, UBC director of
Marginal Affairs.
Critics have pointed out that
this is merely a coverup for the
fact that Buchanan is literally
standing on its last legs, especially B-block.
But despite the claims of an
impending structural armaged-
don students seem excited at
the recent development.
The rides are designed to disorient and confuse the average
student with an emphasis on
"living for the moment and forgetting about the future" as outlined in the investor prospectus.
Modifications are already
being undertaken including the
conversion of the Political
Science wing into a circus and
the courtyard reserved for a petting zoo for the kiddies.
Completion is scheduled for
early next century. <
______
Hail to the...
The Four Thirty Two
18 September 1996
The Addiction
Tracy MacKinnon
Penticton Peach.
This is my third year of
being relegated to writing
the most boring (but
often informative!) part of the
paper. I long to write drunken
prose like the beer boys, but
alas, it is not to be.
Later this month nominations
for department reps, general
officers and first year reps will
be accepted. This is a great
opportunity to get involved,
and immerse yourself in the
quirky world we call SUS.
Nomination forms are available
in this paper* or can be picked
up from the office. The office
can be an intimidating place,
but just bravely walk in and
someone will ask you if you
need help. We're a nice bunch
of people...really. I don't think
all those people who peek in
the door and walk away think
so, though.
Also, nominations are being
accepted for the Faculty of
Science Teaching Awards until
Friday, October 18th. More
details can be found in this
paper, or you can stop by SUS
and ask me about it since I'll be
on the committee again. So, if
you have a fabulous prof you
want to see recognized, be sure
to nominate him or her.
Sports sign-ups for Term 1 are
going on all month. Remember,
if you sign up under Science
(and don't default) we give you
a 50% sports rebate at the end
of the season. For more info on
sports, stop by the office and
ask for Warrick, our Director of
Sports. Most of the couch crowd
(always recognizable by the fact
that they can be found on the
couches at any given time) can
also give you any advice or
information \you might need.
We still have Entertainment
books selling for a mere $46,
and they're good for incredible
discounts at tons of Lower
Mainland businesses. As well,
we're getting SUS boxer shorts,
fleece jackets and special limited edition T-shirts.
The first All Presidents
Meeting (for club presidents)
will be oh Tuesday October the
1st at 5:30 PM at a room TBA.
It's important for presidents to
attend so they can learn about
upcoming changes that will
affect clubs and how they
receive grants.
Whew! That's the end of my
extremely entertaining report.
If you read this entire epistle, I
must congratulate you. Think
of all the stuff you know now
about SUS. If you felt it was too
painful to go through in its
entirety,, come by SUS (Chem
160) and talk to me. That's not
nearly as painful, and can be
even enjoyable. (John had better not place a little editorial
note here).
Now, we all know that the single
most efficient way to get something done is to specifically ask
someone not to do it.
But, fust to cover my bases first,
I wont be placing a little editorial
note here. Nope, no way. In fact, I
feel like placing my editorial...
Editorial.
column here. He he. I'm sooo
evil. Maybe I'll become a villain.
Welcome to yet another year of
the madness that is The 432.1
know that we've already had an
issue earlier this month, but I didn't edit it. So this is technically
the first installment of my new
rogimo,er, term as editor.
I'd like to take this opportunity
to basically insist that everybody
out there get involved in some
club or activity at UBC. This will
make your life sooo much nicer
and will also give you a bit of a
break from studying.
My personal suggestion for
involvement is The 432, of
course. We will be having a meeting this upcoming Thursday at
4:32pm in SUS. I know that I didn't make it to the last one, but I'll
be there for this one, I promise.
On other publication fronts, if
you're in Science and have yet to
receive a copy of our fabulous
summer mailout (The Guide
1996), come by SUS and pick one
up. It's free and features statistics
on all your favorite profs.
I'd also like to thank everyone
that submitted something for this
issue of the paper. Due to
restraints and a religious dislike
for top ten lists, we didn't print it
all. But don't be discouraged. I
was cut three times before finally
being printed.
-ed.
//The love affair you have
with it is like nothing else;
no other drug you'll ever
try will be able to take its place.
It's my ambrosia." So begins the
account of "Brad," a student at
the University of British
Columbia. "When I was in high
school, I tried alcohol and pot a
few times, and I've dabbled in
mushrooms, but the problem
with all of those is that I can't
function when I'm on them.
Then when I was in first year, a
bunch of friends went out to a
coffee house, and they asked me
to come along. At first, I was a
little nervous; I mean, you hear
stories about how easy it is to
get addicted, but I'd never had a
problem before, so I thought I'd
try it. After my first cup I was
hooked. It picked me up, but
nobody could tell." And so
began the downward spiral.
Brad is now a five cup a day
user, and has trouble functioning, especially in public without
his regular fixes.
Vancouver is known as the
Amsterdam of the caffeine
world. Tourists come from all
over to try the exotic caffeines
offered in the city. "Coffee
houses" proliferate, with some
downtown intersections having
one on each corner. With such
stiff competition for such a
lucrative market, local coffee
merchants are constantly trying
coming up with ever more pure
and fashionable forms. No
longer does the user have to settle, for salty, watery coffee
cooked over an open fire with
grounds in the bottom. Today,
espresso, cappuccino, flavoured
coffees, mochas, and ice coffees
all boast high caffeine contents,
as well as tastes to please any
palate.
Caffeine is the drug of choice
among intelligentsia in the
twentieth century. A study 1995
by Health and Welfare Canada
found that by the end of first
year, an overwhelming 97% of
university students had tried
caffeine in one form or another,
and that of that 97%, almost
92% had gone on to continue
using caffeine "regularly," that
is, more frequently than once a
week, and that the remaining
5% considered themselves occasional users;
Its popularity is easy to understand. It is easy to ingest; usually it is taken as a drink,
although it is available as a
potent, high dosage pill for serious users. Once in the blood
stream, the drug acts as a stimulant, increasing the pulse and
metabolic rate, making the user
feel energetic. It also stimulates
the nervous system and the
brain, allowing the user to perform complex mental tasks
with greater ease than normal.
Caffeine has none of the social
stigmas attached to other
"hard" drugs such as cocaine or
speed. Further, it is perfectly
legal, although this is more due
to problems with banning it
than anything else (After a brief
period of prohibition in the
1870s, the proliferation of organized crime forced Italy to re-
legalize caffeine.)
Students are the easiest to
hook. Long working days, late
nights, frequent deadlines, and
a constant need for intellectual
performance make caffeine very
attractive. Brad began using caffeine regularly because he
thought it would help him
improve his grades, without
sacrificing his social life: "well,
once I'd had it a few times, I
began to dream about what it
could do for me. I'd go to class
in the morning, hang out with
friends in the afternoon, and
write my papers in theevening.
In first year, I never started a
paper earlier than 11:00pm the
night before it was due. I'd
down a couple cups, and go all
night. Then I'd have a couple
more and go to class during the
day. I never needed to sleep..."
But there is a downside as well.
As with other drugs, the body
quickly begins to compensate
for the effects of caffeine, and
within as little as a two weeks,
the user begins to "need" it to
function,normally. Like heroin
or cocaine, the problems addiction causes are not so much
physiological as they are social.
As long as the supply remains
steady, the user is fine, but
when it is interrupted, he or she
falls to pieces. The symptoms of
withdrawal are not so strong as
those associated with other
drugs, but they are chronic. The
victim feels grumpy, tired, and
sluggish, and lacks motivation
for anything except the next-
hit. Says Brad "ifs all I can
think about when I wake up in
the morning. I can't get out of
bed unless I know I can get my
hands on a coffee. I remember
this one time, we ran out, and I
had to call Safeway and bribe
one of the cashiers to bring me
some Nescafe on her break."
Eventually, many succumb to
the addiction, and wind up on
the street. "Spare a quarter for a
coffee?" is such a typical panhandler's question that it is
cliche.
Perhaps the greatest cause for
concern is that most people
don't consider it to be a drug at
all. Like alcohol, its use is so
widespread that its effects are
rarely considered abnormal.
Caffeine abuse shows no signs
of abating. If anythingrit»iS"Qn*«
the rise. People are at least
beginning to educate themselves about the drug, however,
and that is the first step towards
creating a caffeine free world.
Matt Wiggin is The 432's very
own investigative reporter. He
spent three months on the street
researching this article and is,
himself, recovering from a disabling addiction to Mr.
Tubesteaks.
-ed.
" I heard that UBC
just got another big
corporate sponsor..."
Producer
John Hallett
Lead Singer
Jeremy Thorp
Sound Guy
Mikey Boetzkes
Record Company
VOLUME TEN ISSUE TWO
18 SEPTEMBER 1996
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Groupies
Tessa Arnold, Doug Beleznay,
Jay Garcia, Leslie Gold, Jake
Gray, Phil Ledwith, Tracy
MacKinnon, Blair McDonald,
Kathryn Murray, Donald Rhee,
Jason Robillo, Cindy Taylor,
Matt Wiggin
Writing on die back of the album
The 432 is the official publication of the Science
Undergraduate Society, printed
twice monthly from our luxurious hole in the basement of the
Chemistry Building.
All views expressed are strictly
those of the individual writers.
If you wish to take legal action
against them, by all means, do
so. But, be warned that they
will most likely claim temporary and/or permanent insanity
to get out of it. It really works.
All rights reserved The 432 1996
Writers and columnists from all
faculties are encouraged to sub
mit material to The 432.
Submissions must meet the
strict deadline requirements
and should not exceed 700
words. All submissions must
make the editor chuckle at least
thrice before being printed.
Absolutely no top ten lists will
be accepted.
We guarantee that only twenty
mink were oppressed in the
production of this paper. 18 September 1996
The Four Thirty Two
Pace)
)
Death in the 21st
Century.
Blair
Mcdonald
There's plejity to do these
days, even if you're dead.
No longer do you just die
in your sleep at the ripe old age
of 45, get tossed in a cheap pine
box, and buried six feet down.
No, today there's an entire
death industry.
You've got Lowens, a multinational corporation that's worth
more than most automobile
manufacturers. They've been
buying funeral homes, two jor
three a week in some cases, and
now they've got literally thousands around the continent. It
seems rather morbid, a corporation establishing a monopoly
on funerals, but you probably
won't be buried by a Mom and
Pop funeral parlour anymore.
Instead, get ready for a industrialized, assembly line operation
staffed by McCoroners and
McGraveDiggers. Or do they dig
graves  with   backhoes  these
days? I haven't been to the
cemetery to check.
But, in the same way real estate
prices have be going up and up,
forcing people further and further out from Vancouver, so
have the asking price on your
place of eternal repose. There
just isn't enough space to bury
everyone anymore, leading
enterprising companies to suggest a 99 year lease in place of
the traditional open-ended
arrangement. What's next, vertical graves?
It makes sense, doesn't it? All
you need is one of those rigs
they use for drilling wells. Just
crank it up to full power and
drill straight down, for twelve
feet or so. Given that the average person is just under six feet
tall, you'd still technically be six
feet under. At least your head
would be... the rest of you
would be a bit deeper. Bob's
Well Digging could diversify
into Bob's Grave Digging, so if
you buy stock now, you could
make a real killing (hah) when
Lowens figures it out.
Retraction.
The 432 realizes that our article last issue entitled "AMS Vice-
President Declared Legally Dead!" may have offended some
individuals and/or groups.
So, we would like to extend our most sincere apologies to the
cadavers at the Faculty of Medicine and to everyone involved in
the Body Donor Program. We hope that we didn't hurt anyone's
feelings.
But why add yourself to the
available worm food supply
when you could be a useful
source of plant nutrition? With
today's super duper crematoriums, you can be flash-burned,
roasted, fried back to your constituent compounds with only a
flicker of the voltage meter. Be
an environmentalist! Reduce
the urban sprawl! Instead of a
six foot grave, your remains can
occupy a medium sized urn.
And to slow down the depletion
of the earth's mineral resources,
put the ashes in an environmentally friendly, bio-degrad-
able cardboard box!
But, speaking from personal
experience, this creates a whole
new set of problems. A few
years ago, my grandfather
passed away, thankfully without pain or massive complications. He opted (in his will, of
course) for cremation. So, after
the funeral, and the reception,
and the mourning period, the
funeral home (a Lowens
Canada franchise operation)
provided the family with the
requisite cardboard box of finely powdered ash. ,
This is where the problem arises. Gramps lived in an apartment, so scattering him in a
favorite garden just wasn't possible. Likewise, we couldn't
exactly scatter him across the
floor of his workshop, which
would have been the best idea if
it wasn't for the fact that he'd
get sucked up with the sawdust
when we used the Black &
Decker ShopVac™ to tidy up
the apartment for sale.
Other than his workshop, we
couldn't think of a single appropriate place to distribute the
remains of my beloved grandfather. (And if you think I'm
being disrespectful, think again.
Papa loved a good story, and I
think he's getting a kick from
me writing this one.) So, we
brought him back to the family
home in Langley.
But this creates further complications. It is disrespectful to toss
someone's ashes across a
strange garden, and besides, I'd
feel awkward eating my mother's garden salad the following
summer. Likewise, I'd hate to
see a metal urn sitting on the
mantle for the next twenty
years. That gives me the shudders, and besides, we've all
heard horror stories about
spillage, or the drunk party
guest who thinks he's found a
convenient ash tray.
So we left Grandpa on the top
shelf in the front closet,
amongst a broken radio and
boxes of winter clothing.
Me, I'd rather be sent into orbit
by Infinity Enterprises™, a
Florida company that specializes in low orbit insertion of
rockets just large enough to
hold 7 grams of ash. And
besides, it's fully owned by
Lowens International.
Blair McDonald has recently
updated his will to include his
wishes to have his ashes ground
into the next issue ofThe 432.
Don't mind the smell.
^n
LOST!
We've lost our Hag!
Can you find it?
The story so far:
Late one night, The 432
crew was thinking of a symbol and/or mascot for the
paper. We decided that the
ideal mascot would be a
mink.
After Jer almost lost a finger
trying to catch a passing
mink, we settled on creating
a flag bearing The 432 Logo.
Our stencil skills were lacking this night, however, and
the flag only has a significantly blurred 432 logo on it.
If you find this flag, bring it
to SUS and riches and fame
will be yours!
PRIZES
We offer the following
awards:
• 2 bzzrs
• 2 limited edition 432 T-
shirts
• 2 tickets to SUSs'
Oktoberfest (Oct. 18th)
HINTS
We figure that the flag is
somewhere within 15 bzzrs
of Chem. That's all we know.
The SUS Hockey Pool.
M. Lemieux
161
J- Jagr
149
E. Lindros
115
J. Sakic
120
P. Forsberg
116
A. Mogilny
107
P. Kariya
108
T. Selanne
108
R. Francis
119
P. Bure
n/a
S. Fedorov
107
T. Fleury
96
W. Gretzky
102
D. Weight
104
M. Messier
99
K. Tkachuk
98
P. Nedved
99
S. Yzerman
95
J. Leclair
97
P. Turgeon
99
B.Hull
83
M. Sundin
83
R. Brind'Amour
87
V. Kamensky
85
Z, Paiffy
87
V. Damphousse
94
P. LaFontaine
91
A. Oates
92
P. Verbeek
82
C. Janney
82
B. Shanahan
78
P. Bondra
80
T. Linden
80
M. Recchi
78
D. Gilmour
72
M. Renberg
43
A. Zhamnov
59
A. Yashin
39
J. Arnott
59
T. Green
69
V. Kozlov
73
J. Roenick
67
O. Nolan
69
C. Lemieux
71
J. Juneau
64
B. Leetch
85
R. Bourque
82
N. Lidstrom
67
P. Coffey
74
C. Chelios
72
S. Zubov
66
R. Hamrlik
65
P. Housley
68
A. Macinnis
61
S. Ozolinsh
54
R. Svehla
57
J. Brown
55
J. Lumme
54
G. Galley
54
E. Desjardins
47
E. Dale
53
A. Nikolishin
51
S. Koivu
45
P. Sykora
42
M. Ragnarsson
39
R. Dvorak
27
P. Demitra
17
C. Kilger
17
J. Iginla
n/a
B. Berard
n/a
Directions.
• Select one player from each
box above.
• Rip this form out of The 432.
(We won't mind. Really.)
• Drop this form off at SUS
(Chem B160) by Oct. 04.
• Watch lots of hockey.
• Drink lots of bzzr.
• Win lots of money.
It's that simple!
Official SUS Hockey Pool Sign-up Form:
Nsunc;      	
Team Name:.
Phone #:__.
Email: __
Faculty:	
Rules.
Choose one player from each
box. $5 entry fee.
Prizes will be:
1st 60%, 2nd 20%, 3rd 10%,
Last 10%
Ties will be decided by a points
per game average. If the same
14 players are chosen by two
people they will split the combined 1st -2nd prizes(40% each)
or 2nd -3rd prizes(15% each).
Deadline for entries will be on
Friday Oct. 4 . Only two trades
will be allowed, trades have to
be completed before December
31. Drop all entries off at Chem
B160.
For more info contact
<aarne@unixg.ubc.ca> or
<orin@unixg.ubc.ca>. i
(it Tt# r
The Four Thirty Two
18 September 1996
Things I've Learnt.
I'd like to take some time
today to discuss the difference between knowing
something and learning something. My great big theory on
this is (I know, I know, yet
another of John's personal theories. But this one is good. Trust
me.) that you know something
after you have been taught it.
Profound, no? But, wait,
there's more! Learning is different. You learn a fact after having a direct experience that
demonstrates this fact.
Take, for example, the principle that buses are very bad
things to step in front of.
Especially when they are traveling at fifty or more kilometres
per hour. Most people you are
likely to meet understand and
believe this principle. Yet, most
will not have had any personal
experience that directly demonstrates this idea in action. At
least not those who are still
walking.
Now let's  look at  learning
Isilllips
something. I have directly
demonstrated to myself the
principle of 'Fire is hot'. Most
people have had their parents
tell them this and have accepted it without thinking about it.
To the majority of people, 35
degrees is hot. They haven't had
direct experience with just how
hot fire is. Fire is damn hot.
Damn, damn hot.
Recently, I have had experiences that demonstrated that
"The big round thing in the
men's bathroom at The Pit is
not an urinal." This principle
lead almost directly to the subsequent lessons of "'Bouncer' is
so much more than a job title.
It's a job description." and
"Pavement is hard."
It's amazing how really simple
concepts don't sink in until you
do something really stupid and
learn it as a lesson in life. Other
things I've learnt are "Excess
brandy and lasagna don't mix."
Well, actually, they do. That's
basically the lesson.
This is basically wandering
through life making up rules as
you bump into them. It's easy
to see how such common rules
as "Look where you're going,
especially while you're driving"
~r<j*i ftififtf
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit smoking."
and "Electricity hurts past
15,000 volts" come about. But
more complex rules develop in
your mind over time and give
you a complex model of predicting how the world works.
For instance, I can clearly convince myself that gravity pulls
smaller objects towards much
bigger objects at a high rate of
velocity. This leads me to expect
that when I let go of a watermelon on the thirtieth story of
a building in downtown
Honolulu, shortly there-after, a
disgruntled cabbie can be
expected at my door shouting
something about a large "fruit
shaped hole" in his hood.
But, sadly, this leads to over-
generalizations. When you are
limiting your sum total of
knowledge to things that you
have directly experienced or at
least observed, you find that
you think you know things. For
instance, recently I feel that I
have had enough direct experience to make the statement
"Redheads are cute and fun to
talk to." Despite the fact the
every subsequent redhead I've
ever met has been cuter and
funner to talk to than her predecessor, I feel that holding this
statement as true will prove hol-
lowingly disappointing at some
point in the future.
So, I guess the trick is in weeding out the bad theories and
keeping the good ones. This is
probably one of those things
that helps psychologists figure
out who to put the 'Insane'
stamp on.
Oh well, so long as I still realize that "Turning the car into
on-coming traffic would be
counter-productive" I'll be okay.
OUR SALES MANAGER
HAS GONE
ROGPY SHIRTS -H5
PASEPAU HATS 412
3HXRTS
Wf
! -X,W>RESS YOUR FRIENDS/*
! -SMOTHER YOUR ENEWES.'
• -CONFUSE YOUR AAQTriER/*
<M0f/A    V*ii#^     V...
arttfP^
*I0
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!
The Great Green
Couch.
Jake the Unruly^
"Note: Fumehood air flow should be 3.2 m3/s...not
32m312."
Relaxed Columnist
Well, I'm sitting in my
Chem class discussing
nomenclature of
coordination compounds. A little bit of a jump from earlier
this afternoon.
It's rare, but sometimes I just
amaze myself in great bouts of
unadulterated (great word)
genius. It's a fabulous day, so
being the genius I am, I grabbed
some muscle and huffed the
great green couch of the land of
SUS up to the boulevard in the
middle of main mall. Sure you
get a few strange looks from
passers-by but what he hell do I
care what the masses think?
Now, for normal mortals sitting on a couch in the sun in
the middle of the day would
keep them content, but I'm not
just your everyday John, Dick or
Harry, not that there's anything
wrong with being named John,
Dick or Harry, it's just that I'm
not John, Dick or Harry. But I'm
not stupid. I know a good scene
when I see one.
So I'm basically a happy guy,
relaxed, soaking up rays, generally content with the state of
the collapsing global village
around me (so long as the
bombs miss me), the boulevard,
the couch, and any cuties that
happen to be passing by at the
time, when along comes a virtual vision bearing the holy elixir
of life.
Yes, it just doesn't get much
better than this, lounging on
what is probably the most comfortable couch in the free world,
the sun is beating down accompanied by just enough breeze to
set up a low rumble in your
ears, I've got beer, and there's
two members of the opposite
sex on either side of me. (like
the opposite sex is some elite
club - "Yes, that's right, I'm a
member of the opposite sex.")
It's pretty nice when girls show
up with beer in hand, or beer in
foot. Foot, hand, I don't care.
It's just nice when they show up
with beer. I think when I retire
I'm going to buy a super duper
lazyboy and plunk it in the
middle of the boulevard and
live out my last days sipping
cold ones in the sun. Oh, there's
that whole bathroom issue. I
guess there's always bedpans.
Only in Vancouver can you
spend the afternoon with a
babe in one hand and a beer in
the other and still have a full
schedule. I'm so glad to be back
in school.
lake Gray can spend entire weeks
basking on lounge-style furniture.
This ability comes partially from
his continued association with
DEKE house, who have some of
the nicest chairs on campus.
DEKE, curiously, is also an
excellent place to meet all sorts of
interesting people. 18 September 1996
The Four Thirty Two
>J i r - J
)
On the      How to spend your
couch again, first week of class.
Phil Ledwith
Bald Columnist
It's silly, really. All I did was
lose my keys. I shouldn't
have to feel embarrassed
about losing my keys. After all, I
don't really know that many of
you. Most of you wouldn't
know me from any other generic bald guy in a dirty mackintosh talking to himself on the
bus; so it's not as if I have anything to fear. It's not as if any of
you are going to come up to me
in the middle of the street and
give me that "Man, is he too
stupid to live, or what?" kind of
look. Not any more than usual,
anyway. I mean, everyone does
it. It's not as if I (to take a completely random occurrence that
absolutely would never reflect
upon my personal life in any
way) accidentally set fire to my
parent's living room carpet or
anything like that. I just lost my
keys.
Still, I'm embarrassed.
It's partly because (and if it's
happened to you you'll know
what I'm talking about) you just
feel completely naked without
them. The extra weight is gone.
That familiar jangle isn't there,
and without it you just might as
well not have any clothes on at
all. (I'm just going to stop and
check at this point to make sure
I'm not being too literal here.)
It's like losing your wallet, or
your watch, or that little funny
book that almost everybody
seems to carry around in some
form that contains their entire
life. One of these things goes
missing, and little details like a
possible military coup re-instating the Soviet Union just don't
seem to matter anymore. So
what if a freak earthquake just
split the continent of Australia
in two and made fifty thousand
people homeless and starving?
At least they know where they
are supposed to be tomorrow,
because they've still got their
funny little book that has their
life in it. I mean, how can anyone possibly compare their suffering to mine while they still
have their student cards?
I first noticed they were gone
last night when I finally got
home after Tutoring in New
Westminster. I reached into my
pockets to find something small
to open the door with, having
left my crowbar at school that
day. And then I reached some
more. And then I closed my
eyes real tight and wished, and
reached one last time. All there
was was fifteen cents and the
remains of an old Cheeto from
last year's Art's County Fait. No
keys. At this point I was a little
worried, because you see my
room as well as my front door is
locked, and although any one
of my house mates could let me
through the front door, I would
definitely be sleeping on a
couch until my actual talismans
of opening could be relocated.
What am I saying? I WILL be
sleeping on a couch until I get
the (expletive deleted) things
back.
It's weird, isn't it, how these
little things can come to matter
so much? I mean, in the old
days it was simple. All I'd have
to do is master a few primitive
stone tools, burn something,
maybe have my own cave, and
that was it. I was a man. (Not
that I've actually been around
that long - although if I wanted
to know what it felt like all I
would have to do is join the
bookstore lineup). The most
important thing in my universe
was the piece of rock I used to
bash mammoth, and it was
replaceable. Those were the
good old days. Now my status
as a member of the human race
seems to depend on a host of
funny coloured bits of plastic
and finely crated metal. I've
been thinking, these last few
days on the couch, and I think I
liked the cave and the rock and
the woolly mammoth much
better. I didn't need anything to
get in that cave, and if I wanted
a view I could have just gone
and relocated with the monkeys
who never seemed to care or
notice. After completing another round of the TELEREG tango
for yet another year I am compelled to yell out that famous
line from The Prisoner about
not being a number and being
something else instead - what
was it? I can't seem to remember anymore. Maybe if I go bash
a few mammoth it will come
back to me.
Ah well, whatever. By the way,
I just heard from some guy running into the office that
Martians have landed on
Buchanan Tower and are
demanding that someone take
back Kennedy's brain. Who
knows, they may still be hovering over there by the time you
read this. As for me, I'm not
going to see. I don't care. I
mean, it's not as if they can
help me get back into my room.
Phil Ledwith is almost always
on the run from somewhere or
someone. This explains a lot.
sj*"«v
Jay
GARCIA
Well, it's the third week
of school and where
has all the time gone?
You begin each term so optimistically — "I'll get at least
thirty hours of studying done
each week. I'll get great grades,
get on the Dean's list, be a general all-around student-type
kind of guy and still find time
to do charity work at the local
soup kitchen, do actual paying-
the-bills work, volunteer for
something career-oriented, and
still find time to hang out with
my friends."
These beliefs are usually, and
with great maliciousness, shot
down in the second or third day
of classes, after having spent
umpteen hours in labs, lectures
and tutorials.
So where has all the time
gone? Well, for one, there's the
ubiquitous* bookstore lineups,
a custom firmly entrenched
both here at UBC and at other
fine institutions of higher learning.
I mean, just the other week, I
spent two-and-a-half hours getting into the bookstore to pick
up my requisite materials, and
another hour-and-a-half buying
the damn things. Making it
worse was, as I was leaving, I
browsed through one of my lab
manuals and found out that I
had to have a notebook of a certain specificity for my all of my
labs, and the notebook was only
available at the bookstore. No
substitutions. And my lab was
the following day. Back again
for another several hours of
lineups.
And then there was my student loan lineup — three hours
in a lineup only to find out,
three people from the front,
that "If you aren't enrolled in at
least eighteen credits for the
year, you may not receive your
student loan", and at that time,
I was still in the process of being
forced into the majority of my
classes, and only officially registered in nine credits worth.
Aargh. Total?
Nearly fifteen hours spent in
line-ups in the first week.
Looking for your classes is
another great way to lose time.
Wandering for the first time
into my English 201 class, I find
myself being greeted by this big,
beefy, heavy-browed fellow saying, "hey, buddy."
"Who, me?" I reply cogently.
"yeah, you. where were you
yesterday, man." he said in a
dead monotone.
"Um", I hesitate, "I don't
believe there was class yesterday."
"hey, yeah, explains why the
teacher never showed up for
communications, waited for her
for half-an-hour. man I'm
pissed, oughtta just go out there
and beat the crap outta her."
At this point I realized that I
was in the wrong class, my professor, for one, being male, and
for another there was the more
damning fact that this particular Neanderthal was here for a
Communications course, and
more power to him. I spent an
enjoyable half-an-hour thereafter trying to track down the
whereabouts of the new room
location which, although it was
supposed to have been taped
near the door, had mysteriously
been ripped into tiny pieces and
scattered down the length of
the hall. Repeat this confusion
(without the strange encounter
with the Paleolithic man, or the
missing change-of-room notice)
twice more, once for biology
and the other for microbiology.
Total lost time, five hours actually tracking down my new
classrooms, with another two
hours spent afterwards with the
professors, trying hard to disabuse them of the first-day
notion that, contrary to initial
appearances, I am not an idiot.
It's also frighteningly easily to
lose time on Friday evenings. It
begins easily enough, because
you're out with friends and having a good time. You and your
buddies spend the night wandering from the Cheeze to
POITS to Arts 200, and then, as
if you'd been abducted by aliens
bam! there you are at home, in
your own bed, nursing one hell
of a headache several hours
later, with no memory of the
preceding events.
Oh well, the best thing you
can do is resign yourself to the
fact that, even if you were the
Anal-Ultra-Keen Time Manager
from Hell, you wouldn't be able
to do everything you wanted to
do in the first place, owing to
the perversity of chrono-singu-
larity and human nature. And
anyway, this is the first few
weeks. It's supposed to be hell.
University wouldn't just be the
same without it.
*(the inclusion of eye-watering
words in this article were placed
here as part of my on-going
mission to conquer improve life
on this planet)
Despite popular opinion, we didn't sucker fay Garcia into The
432 by cleverly placing a leg-hold
trap between Snack Attack and
the Bookstore.
The Micro Club.
w
Boi«vtr«o
e may be small, but not forgotten! Born and raised in the hallowed halls of Wesbrook, the
Microbiology Club is for anyone interested in all those Utile unseen creatures that surround
us. Diversifying as always, we have many events throughout the year to interest all. Learn
the secrets of brewing bzzr, then
enter your bzzr in our bzzr brewing contest, which is, I swear, a
microbial process that is *purely*
educational.
Come skating, join sports teams
and you could never even think
of missing the infamous Micro
Mixer. Get information on co-op
or your classes from people
who've been there or just check
out our sexy vice-president. So,
as you can see, whether you are
in microbiology, want to be, or
are just interested in the fastest
growing filed around, this is the
club for you. Come out and learn
all at the Welcome Back! BBQ
and bzzr garden on Sept. 20,
(members get a free bzzr) and
think of us the next time you
have a cold.
%
C«lW*<.r>vfc>er4.
Bear identification chart. The Four Thirty Two
18 September 1996
Spineless Creatures.
Leslie Gold
Columnist
It's disheartening to believe
that one is an open-minded
and accepting individual for
21 years of life on this planet
and then suddenly stumble
across a deeply imbedded prejudice. I've always thought that I
believed in all creatures great
and small, everyone created
equal blah blah blah, and all
that jazz. I mostly do, but the
bottom line is this, if you don't
have a spinal chord then I don't
want you for a roommate.
Actually I'm not even that
rigid, the occasional cockroach
ambling by on the counter for
an early morning stroll would
be fine. Bumping into a lonely
earwig who is trying to root out
a midnight snack... I would
have no problems with. I'll even
accept the company of a silver-
fish or two while I take my
shower. Heck, one of my roommates of the grocery-buying,
UBC-attending variety can be a
little spineless himself at times
and we've been friends for
years.
However, the other day when
one of my roommates suggested
giving up on killing the spiders
and using them instead to con
trol the population levels of the
other masses of invertebrates in
the apartment, I realized that
the situation was out of hand.
I'm not saying that we have a
few too many bugs, I'm saying
that if we were to divide our
rent equally among all of the
members of Kingdom Animalia
who are currently residing in
our basement suite, I'd be paying slightly less than busfare to
live there each month.
The other day I laid down the
law... if it's in our home than it
better be
A) inanimate
or B) photosynthesizing
or C) paying rent ... otherwise
it dies.
Then I encountered a minor
problem, I discovered (much to
my disgust) that I am a tad
squeamish and have problems
actually killing the bugs. I'd like
to say that I am at war with my
soul because being a student in
conservation biology, I balk at
the idea of killing any life form,
but the desire not to have invertebrate guts on the bottom of
my ieet, socks or shoes, or to
feel the sickening squish of
death between my fingers was,
in fact, probably the stronger
deterrent.
Right or draow for The 432.
It'III change yur lif.
(in a giid way. reely!)
The 432.
No talent required.
First staff meeting:
09.19.96 - 16.32 - CHEM B160(SUS)
(We mean it this time.)
At first I tried flushing each
individual insect down the toilet alive as I found them, but I
couldn't reconcile myself with
the fact that I was using enough
water to detoxify the remains of
an organic chem lab experiment to kill what probably
amounted to maybe half a cup
of organisms. I'm dealing with
the problem in a new way now,
but I think my roommates
might be catching onto "Hey
would you mind squeezing this
wad of tissue really hard
between your thumb and forefinger?.... oh no reason really....
okay thanks a lot!". Since I'm
the one who laid down the law
I feel kind of dumb not being
able to implement it by myself.
I don't know what I'm going to
do, we don't have a microwave
or a toaster oven, and using the
real oven ranks right up there
with using the toilet in terms of
efficiency. With the rainy season coming and us living
underground, I foresee the
problem getting worse. Not to
mention I'm sure the word has
already spread in the underworld: "Hey guys, come move
into this place with us... yeah
she hates us but she's too much
of a wimp to do anything about
it,... sure there's enough room,
you can sleep in her bed, or on
her toothbrush, or in the pocket of her favorite shorts and
then have some fun with her by
crawling out right in the middle
of genetics class." I wonder if
there's anything about not
being allowed blow torches in
our rental agreement.
In a Gumby
World.
Donald Rhee
DISASSEMBLY
REQUIRED
Hay-doh Columnist
As I reflect I cannot help but feel old. Not old in terms of
creaky joints and a penchant for older women in motorized
scooters but relatively old upon entering my fourth campaign here at UBC.
But what always brings me back is my toybox. No new toys this
month but in them I find solace. I remember a time when things
were less complicated, a time before telereg, a time when a complete collection of Mr. Men books from Mr. Angry to Mr. Zealous
was considered gold.
Not to brag about my enriched childhood, but I still have all the
classics. Slinky, Etch-a-Sketch, Mr. Machine, and that red and blue
toy that had all those yellow shapes that you tried jam in the correct shape holes, and many more inhabit the basement closet.
But whenever I'm stressed, whenever I'm sitting under my desk
and legally brain dead, I take out Gumby and Pokey. Now this may
be getting a little personal but Gumby makes me laugh.
Ever since Mark Stauffer in Grade 4 used the term "You Gumby!"
to declare someone's incompetence I laugh every time I look at the
big Gumby.
Some of you who have been living in a cave for the last twenty
plus years or whose parents gave you a non-bouncy ball to play
with as a kid may be asking what or who is Gumby and this equally mysterious Pokey?
Well, Gumby's name is probably not in any dictionary and I doubt
Gumby will be in any competent biology text but I would describe
Gumby as an art project made by a five year old to his mom gone
bad closely resembling a human, except for Gumby's blue-green
colour and malleability. Pokey is a small orange horse.
Anyways, whenever I'm exceptionally spaced out along with
stressed and brain dead I wonder what it would be like to live in a
Gumby world.
There would be no sickness because Gumby is not really biological but magical. Gumby has no organs or blood. Gumby is as solid
as they come and has been seen in both clay and rubber.varieties,
Gumby is androgynous. Gumby is neither male nor female but
the voice of Gumby can be somewhat annoying during a long conversation on the phone. (I see.
Does  Elvis  call you   up,   too,
Donald? -ed.)
Gumby, however, is not invincible because Gumby can be
decapitated or dismembered
with any sharp tool and can
melt if placed on a hot plate.
But Gumby cannot, and I repeat
cannot, be flattened to death.
So as Gumby sits here on my
desk and stares at me with those
little beady eyes without a care
in the world I plot my revenge
on this little piece of industrial
rubber.
But, first I have to finish this
article which should have been
done days ago. By doing so I
cannot help but think that Mark
was right. I am a Gumby.
ENJOY THE SAVWGSI
TEAR OUT
FAVORITE
COUPONS
What gift comes beautifully bound/but ii most fun when
it's ripped apart?
The EntwfainnMitf* book.
It's packed with hundreds of two-for-one and up to 50% •
off certificates on just about everything-dining, travel,
shopping, theatres, sporting events, movie tickets, and
more!
The more you tear into us, the more you'll savel
Set 'em In SUSI (Chem B160)     **
*42a
. . ' m       iHmSlMOITJ
OWRuiNNuttk «*«■
Wl WIOU TMI MOK ON SAVINGS"
Call: 122-4235
Donald Rhee is one of those mysterious contributors to The 432
that I only ever see around deadlines.
Maybe this article can bring me
some insight into his secret, private life. Then again, maybe this
article just speaks volumes about
his mental state.
No one is sure which.
This space left blank
for jotting down
sorhe one's phone
number in The Pit. 18 September 1996
Teaching
Awards.
The Four Thirty Two
)
The Drawers of
SUS.
FACULTY OF SCIENCE TEACHING AWARDS
The Faculty of Science will award three Teaching Awards for
1996/97 to acknowledge outstanding contributions made in teaching in the Faculty of Science and to promote a greater appreciation
of the importance of teaching in the Faculty of Science. Each
award carries a cash award of $5,000.
Full-time members of the Faculty of Science appointed on or
before July 1,1996 in any of the Faculty's departments are eligible
to be nominated for the awards. Nominations may be made by students, alumni or faculty.
Among the criteria taken into consideration in making the awards
will be ability to motivate students and stimulate critical thinking,
sustained teaching excellence and development of innovative
approaches to teaching methodology and curricula.
The awards will be made on recommendation by a committee of
faculty and students appointed by the Dean of Science. Members
of the committee will attend nominees' teaching sessions and
interview nominees' students as well as review all supporting documentation.
Nominations should be made in writing to:
Committee on Teaching Awards
Dean's Office
Faculty of Science
The deadline for nominations is Friday, October 18, 1996 for
nominees teaching first term courses and Friday, February 14,
1997 for nominees teaching second term courses.
The awards will be announced and presented by the Dean of
Science at Spring Congregation.
Mi key Boetzkes
Kathryn Murray
The Faculty of Science Presents
R Lecture Series
for ALL Science
Undergraduates
It's new and it's for you!
I
S_ee_ science
from the inside
Fee| scientists'
enthusiasm,
and uncouer
your own.
Pis.cq.u_er the
thrill of the
unknown
Learn about
study programs'
in the Faculty
Coins  I
just because!
Where's  the  Science
in
Science  Education?"
The first Science First! Lecture by
Dr. Lee Gass
Department of Zoology
Thursday, 19 Sept. 1996
1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
in
IRC Lecture Hall 2
stay and chat after lecture
PflRTICIPHTE
Questions? Call 822-9876
V*
'•All subntissioifs to Th&§32 must
be in Chemiitry B160®io later
than: '     fy
25 September 1996
4:32pm';.
"/ low deadlines. I like the
whooshing sound they make, as ■:'
they fry Iry." n"
- Douglas ^Adams
SoCo
Well hello again.
Report, report, what
do I report. Well last
Wednesday was the Second
Class Bash so thank you to all
those who showed up. It turned
out to be my best event so far.
We had two bands play, speed-
bump and 69 Kilometers, and
only went through about 1/5 of
my budget so far, which is fine
by me.
Now looking somewhere into
the future we can look forward
to Oktoberfest which will be
coming to a Ballroom near you.
In fact you could probably even
plan for it to be on October 18.
Sometime before then I'm
going to arrange for some more
bands to come and play. On top
of this I will be ordering lots
and lots and lots more bzzr and
of an even higher quality than
last time. Of course this will be
accompanied by the usual
amount of psider. This time
because of the much larger
number of people that can
come (530 in SAC approves)
causing the already large
amounts of bzzr and psider to
increase accordingly.
Well I think that is about all
that I have to report. So go on
drink more bzzr and psider and
keep your eyes open for the possibility of a small event in or
around SUS because you just
never know what might happen.
w
^^
4
. w
tu
o
>&
O
o
%
^1^
B
43
o
Qj
Public Relations Officer (No gentleman, though.)
Welcome back everyone! Summer's almost over, school is
most definitely here but this year's fun is only just beginning. This issue's news from your AMS council meeting
on Wednesday, September 11th is quite interesting. There was a
brief visit from a delegation of engineers who were invited (by the
Pit staff) to leave the Pit so that they could visit the Council
Chambers upstairs. An item that the engineers brought up in the
discussion period was the presence of a new Asian Food Outlet in
the SUB (located next to the Pit) and, consequently the reduction
of space in the Pit. They were genuinely concerned that not
enough students would now be able to have access to the
BEvERages served in the Pit. Later on in the evening, the new budget proposed for the 1996-1997 year was presented and left to be
tabled for future discussion. The CITR was the most vociferous at
the massive cut to its budget, although due to budget restrictions,
there are few organizations that have not had either a freeze or a
reduction of their previously allotted moneys. There was also concern expressed about the cover story run on the last issue of The
432 that intimated that the vice-president of the AMS was
deceased. In the ensuing heated debate, the vitality, presence and
dedication of the previously-thought deceased VP were asserted.
Various members of council, including the VP and the engineers,
agreed that the joke was a good one, albeit of unusual taste. The
meeting convened much, much, much later that evening, and to
the relief and gratitude of all, we managed to escape go home.
In other news from the Science Undergraduate Society: the lunch
time 1st year BBQ on Wednesday, September 11th that, according
to rumor, was serving 100% fresh frosh burgers. The manufacturers
had no knowledge or ability to confirm or deny these reports and
had no comments to make. In an unrelated event, the mentor
mentee pancake breakfast began bright and early and was lots of
fun. Hundreds of pancakes were consumed by all. The Second Class
Bash on September 4th was also enthusiastically attended, where
the bzzr flowed freely and the music was great. Our own Jer Thorp
is the gorgeous lead singer of Speedbump for all you gals who were
wondering. (And our own Mike Boetzkes is the sound guy! -ed.)
The Arts Undergrad Society has mentioned that they have
received a gift of a tricycle (assembly required) from the Engineers
that was last seen (whole) in SUS. We thank them for returning the
items belonging to us and we will be glad to reciprocate!
Remember to run for any of the Science Reps and other positions
available. Ask any one of us for help with this or to answer any of
your other questions. Although we're from a government we are
here to help you... honestly.
Kathryn Murray is one of our newest execs in SUS.
She has foolishly sworn to break with tradition by becoming one of the
few PROs in SUS history to complete a term in office without either
quitting or failing out.
I||   X v3/\
"Because there might not be bugs all over you."
Upcomifig Eveife
m
\|/   Visit our booth at Club Daze. Sept.
18, 19> and 20th in the SUB.
\|/ Annual General Meeting is Sept. 26
@ 12:30 in Suedfeld Lour^e
(Kenny)..-
\|/  Our first bzzr garden is Octl|gth @
5:00. Wateh for more details in the
%sue! The Four Thirty Two
18 September 1996
He's Jer and he's in a band.
Jeremy
THORP
Everybody wants to be a
rock star. Visions of glamour swoop through our
tiny primate craniums at the
very mention of the phrase. The
entire Hollywood corporate
super-structure depends on the
fact that we all want to be rich
and famous superstars so that
we can drink expensive drinks,
get hooked on heroin, and get
paid to be naked on the cover of
the Rolling Stone.
I'm not a rock star. I am, however, in a rock band. Now, I
admit, we haven't yet sold (or
even produced) the one album
that will provide the book-end
for the 5 zeroes required for a
fancy gold-plated record. But,
we play, and people listen. I've
even had several folk whom I
don't even know tell me that we
don't suck. It would follow,
then ,that I would stand to benefit from at least some of the
benefits of fame.
Now, don't get me wrong. I
like to play music. The feeling
you get when you climb up on
stage and look into the faces of
the audience,is truly indescribable. It's the feeling I get when I
walk off of the stage that seems
to be somewhat lacking.
Initially, I faced the problem
of how to bring the subject into
everyday conversation.
Through experience, I've
learned that an introduction of
"Hi, I'm Jer. I'm in a band" is
less than successful. More successful, perhaps, than "Hi, I'm
Jer. I write for The 432," but still
generally non-productive.
Practice pays off, though, and
I've learned to merge the topic
into the fray with relatively little pay.
No problem, right? No one
can resist a guy in a band. Yeah,
right.
Me: "So, we were playing this
show at the Niagara the other
night, when..."
Her: "You're in a band?"
Me, acting shy and non-cha-
lant. "Well, yeah."
Her, smiling and eager: "Wow!
What do you do?"
Me, somewhat proud: "I'm the
lead singer."
My sound guy, rude and
obnoxious: "I'm the sound
guy!"
Her, with an obviously
unhealthy obsession with
amplification: "Wow! The
sound guy!"
Me, holding back rage: "But I
sing! I'm the singer!"
Her, temporarily deaf in her
left ear: "The sound guy! So,
you, like, set up sound stuff,
right..."
<Sigh>.
Congratulations, Jer, now the
whole university know about
your fame-based inadequacies.
Mind you, it wouldn't be so
bad, if this was an isolated incident. It wasn't. In fact, I've
totally given up on even men
tioning the fact that I'm in a
band, fearing that I will just
make matters worse, and end
up friendless and completely
void of social interaction. The
problem is that though I may
have abandoned this plan, my
friends have rescued, refitted,
and remodeled it, and insist on
displaying it at every possible
opportunity.
Me, facing impending disaster.
"Hi, I'm Jer."
My sound guy,  rude and
obnoxious: "He's in a band."
Her, smiling and eager: "Wow!
What do you do?"
You get the point. I can't avoid
it. I've been drawn into this evil
self-destructing whirlpool of
doom, and I'm paddling with a
swizzle-stick. I'm debating a
number of possibilities. I could
wear a bright coloured shirt,
with the words "I'm in a band"
on the front (though, the
phrase "I have rabies" may be
more effective). This way,  I
would avoid any social contact
whatsoever. Alternatively I
could distribute shirts reading
"My friend is in a band" to all of
my acquaintances (or perhaps
"I'm Brad Pitt"), in hopes that I
can sneak unnoticed to a quiet
corner of the room, and feel
gloriously sorry for myself.
Oh well. Maybe my luck will
change, and groupie-dom is not
far away. And maybe, a troupe
of remarkably small winged
orangutans will emerge inexplicably from my posterior. I
can take it. If being famous
means giving up any chance of
ever meeting a nice member of
the opposite sex, I can take my
medicine. It's all about the
music after all.
Jer Thorp really is the lead singer
of an up and coming band called
Speedbump. They're good. But
their Sound Guy is absolutely
awesome.
Year aj|p Departme
f
ded. All y<
. It's that
Get Involved.
have to d#js fill out thl Nomination Form beM
/! Fame ai
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estions? Tap to Henry f
for our Oct!
friends! i
er Counci«Llections ai
el maraudgp saucer ali
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I give it to
inSUS-;
f
The Science Undergraduate Society. - "So much more than bzzr at 10am.
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