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UBC Publications

The 432 Sep 20, 1993

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 Vol 7 No 2 • 20 Sept '93
Project To Focus On Campus Safety Human Ballistics
effort to respond to a growing con-
cjern for student safety on the UBC
campus, the Alma Mater Society
has once again undertaken an ambitious program designed to allow
students to move freely about campus without fear of attack.
Dubbed the AMS SafeCatapult:
program, students will be able to
travel safely to and from various
campus buildings and parking lots.
Originally called the Catapult
Home Program, this year's undertaking raises the service to a new
"It's a very efficient new system,"
said AMS Director of Administration Roger Watts, who is overseeing
the SafeCatapult Program. "No
more need for walking alone on
campus, worrying about poor lighting or not getting a good bird's-eye
view of the place."
Watts went on to explain the
workings of the system. "We plan
to move students around through
the use of large, high-powered,
3000-newton catapults, stationed at
various strategic target destinations,
such as residences, SUB, or the B-
Lots. Students will travel through
the air, safely and swiftly, and bs
caught by huge safety nets at their
In addition, there will be large,
tennis racquet-style "repeater stations" situated along the longer
routes, in order to relay student:; in
transit to outlying destinations.
Another special system, designed
in conjunction with Pit Pub Security, will assist in forcible ejection of
unruly patrons from the Pit.
Funding for the program has
come in the form of grants front the
AMS and the University, as well as
sponsorship from Airbus Internationale. Plans for a $5 "Catapuk
Improvement Fee" met with
widespread opposition and were
therefore scrapped. "The system
won't be a financial burden on students," said Watts.
"The AMS has lots of money
stored away," said Watts with a
Artist's Conception of the SafeCatapult Program in action
smile. "Especially with that extra
$44 000 freed up by Budget Committee last week."
So far, experimental testing of
the SafeCatapult system has gone
fairly well, but not without some
problems. "Tensioning the springs
on the catapults was a tricky business," said a chuckling Watts. "We
tried to send one poor sucker from
SUB to Vanier, and we flung him
clear into the drink by mistake."
Apparently, that problem has been
sorted out, and "folks are now landing right on the money."
Other problems have included
run-ins with low-flying birds, ways
of dealing with unforeseen wind
shifts, and "the occasional misfire."
But once the bugs are worked out,
the system should be able to successfully launch 16 000 students a
day around campus.
Watts says the system should
restore safety to the campus, but
Sebastian Crumb, spokesman for
the pro-campus violence group The
Guys In The Bushes, disagreed.
"Sure, it's going to require us to be
more creative, but we're a fairly
adaptable lot," he said.
The RCMP recendy arrested
seven members of the group, confiscating several casting rods, three
huge butterfly nets, and more than
a kilometre of flypaper that had
been stretched in several layers
between the MacMillan and
CICSR buildings.
Long-term plans for the system
include a new "supercatapult" that
will introduce hourly non-stop service to TRIUMF, the proposed
NRC facility, and some direct service to the Dunbar region. Initial
testing of the route was completed
last week, when several dozen
unmanned payloads of chemical
defoliant were successfully placed
onto the planned NRC site on 16th
Avenue. A spokesperson for the
Coalition Opposing the University
Plan (COUP) was present at the
landing site, and was quoted as saying, "COUGHCO.VG//COUGH-
The SafeCatapult Program is
currendy scheduling half-hourly
commuter flights from SUB to all
campus residences and major parking areas. Unfortunately, due to
logistical difficulties, inflight meal
and bar service has been indefinitely
suspended. However, all those who
register in September will be eligible
for the AMS' frequent flyer program and Air Miles points.
Said Watts of the program's
long-term prospectus, "Everything's
kind of up in the air right now, but
in terms of potential, the sky's the
I had a dream and I'm sure |M|
Science must ve been in it...
Andrew Heys
AUS President "Huh?"
Well, two weeks down. Only
about a dozen more to go...
1 can tell I've become somewhat
blase1 about post-secondary education. I will own up to the fact that
way back in first year, I was a
member of the species Buyustext-
bookus optionalis.l used to wander
around the Bookstore with two
handbaskets completely full of
huge textbooks, parents in tow. (I
drew the line at the Hello Kitty
pencil case, though). I bought my
requisite UBC binder, because
hey, people in rez and the library
might be interested in knowing
which university I attend. I have a
hint—which may be coming too
late for many of you newcomers—
but, even without the UBC t-shirt,
sweatshirt, backpack and binder,
we can probably all figure it out.
This year was particularly entertaining as far as textbook shopping
went, because I had no clue what I
had registered for.
This is not a joke. I really
couldn't remember.
I just wandered into the Science/Engineering section and
searched for a number or two that
seemed familiar.
Euclidean Geometry? Yeah, that
sounds like something Id take...
I finally had to just give up and
call Telereg.
If you've ever hung around for
a SUS or AMS Council meeting,
you'll notice that there are two
very special words in the student
politician's arsenal.
They are:
1) "Basically", and
2) "Reiterate".
Let's address the first one.
"Basically" is a word that I believe
is actually installed into SACees
immediately after selection. Whenever a normal person would go
into a conversational idle with the
sounds "um" or "uh", a student
politician will say "basically". (My
apologies; Roger has just corrected
me. SACees are not politicians.
They're bureaucrats. The principle
tends to hold, though.) A few
months ago, I recognized to my
horror that I was developing that
particular habit. So I had The
AntiSACee, Erik "The Fish"
Jensen, deprogram me with a
goodly amount of liquefied barley.
As far as "reiterate" goes, let's
just say that it's about as stupid as
saying "pita bread", "SUB building", or "goddamned Ubyssey":
it's akin to saying the same thing
twice. I'm in third CompSci, and
according to my transcript and
about $4 500 in tuition so far, I
know what "iterate" means. It
means "to do again". Hence, many
things in student politics are done
again again. Somewhat apt, no?
I'm afraid I'm something of an
amateur as far as being able ro
speak politically goes. Bill Dobie,
the AMS Prez, has to be one of the
all-time masters. In response to a
question that I unfortunately don't
remember, he actually said "Well,
it's rare, but not uncommon."
Thanks, Bill. That really cleared
it up for me.
Actually, many student politicians (and politicians in general)
have been wired with a manual
transmission. This seems to be a
fairly apt analogy. There are those
who coast with the clutch in, letting the verbal drivetrain run without any connection to the ol' grey-
matter engine, and then there are
those who just sit there in neutral,
presumably thinking but not talking.
I think I'm one of those who's
just learning to drive a stick and
keeps stalling because the revs get
too low. That would explain the
necessity of restarting myself with
some coffee several times a day...
Roger, on the other hand, has
an automatic transmission. He
stands on the brake when he
doesn't want to go anywhere, and
is a little slower off the line. However, there is the big advantage of
less clutch wear, and one hand is
freed for eating or changing CDs.
In related news, I'm beginning
to formulate a theory that committees around here actually work on
cliche-, rather than word-, recognition. It works very much the same
way that for speed, handwriting
recognition software recognizes
whole words instead of just letters.
Case in point: the worn homily
"Money is no object". It was conclusively proven to me the other
day that the discussion will not
skip a beat when you say "Money
is no option". In fact, everyone
will begin to use this phrase without even noticing. (I have an Editorial Force Field, however. I'm
immune.) This occurred in my
second Publications Board meeting. Although I'm sure the former
was the intent, for some reason the
latter just.. .well.. .fits, somehow.
Can't imagine why...
A brief word regarding "helping
out" with The 432. I'd like to say
that I'm thrilled with the amount
of interest this year, and I'm having trouble returning everyone's
For those who submitted stuff
this time and it didn't get printed,
I apologize... we're working with a
limited amount of space here. I'd
like to see all contributors
(prospective, published and
unpublished) come to the first staff
meeting of the year on Thursday,
23 September at 12:30 in SUS.
We'll be going over submission
guidelines, who wants to learn
what, etc,
Key Dates for
Registration Changes
Sept. 17,1993 Last date for withdrawal from a Term I
course with no "W" notation appearing
on the academic record.
TELEREG closes for registration and
course changes for Term I courses.
Sept. 24, 1993 Last date for withdrawal from a two-term
course with no "W" notation appearing
on the academic record.
TELEREG closes for registration and
course changes for two-term courses.
Oct. 15 1993 Last date for withdrawal from a Term I
course with a standing of "W" noted on
the academic record. After this date,
withdrawal is not permitted and students
will be graded on the basis of whatever
they have done in the course. Students
who do not attend but remain registered
and neglect to withdraw during the withdrawal period will normally find an "F"
standing on their academic record.
Nov. 26, 1993 Last date for withdrawal for a two-term
course with a standing of "W" noted on
the academic record.
Dec. 29, 1993 TELEREG re-opens for Term II registra
tion. TELEREG closes Jan. 1-3,1994.
Jan. 4, 1994 TELEREG re-opens for Term II registra
tion and course changes.
Jan. 14, 1994 Last date for withdrawal from Term II
courses with no "W" notation appearing
on the academic record.
Jan. 17, 1994 TELEREG closes for registration and
course changes for most Term II courses.
TELEREG remains open for Fee Information.
Feb. 14, 1994 Last date for withdrawal from a Term TI
course with a standing of "W" noted on
the academic record.
If a student withdraws from a one-term course within the first
two weeks, or within the first three weeks of a course offered over
two terms, no record of the registration will appear on the academic record.
Normally, a student may not withdraw from the same course
more than once.
• Weekly mountain and
road rides
• Recreational, racing,
touring and commuting
• Maintenance Clinic
• Parties & Socials
• Clothing at cost
(jerseys, shorts, tights)
Ride & BBQ
Sat, 25 Sept
11 AM at SUB
Hope to see you there... II'      a II      /   •      y [     I f\
8 OCTOBER Late-Night Talk-Show-O-Matic
Volume 7, No. 2
20 September 1993
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and King Of The
Roger Watts
Assistant Editor and Fool
Of The Court
Leona Adams, Matt
&rzzr, Steve Coleman,
Kevau Detrlebach, Amy
HHIaby, Jason Holmes,
Graeme Kennedy, Derek
K. Miller, Sarah
Thornton, Chris Woods,
and Rog something-or-
Ryan McCuaig, Roger
Keebler Elves Local 2461
College Printers,
Vancouver, B.C.
The 432 is produced in die
Science Undergraduate Society
offices, located between Wreck
Beach and Burnaby
Submissions to The 432
should be about 500
words in length, proofread, and extremely silly
in nature. Serious or
sombre material will be
burned for heat and
mocked for decades by
everyone around here.
As you know, this year has
seen a tremendous amount of
new programming material corns
to the late-night talk show market. In order to help you make
sense of this entertainment mish-
mosh, and help you choose the
talk show that is right for you,
The 432 offers an easy solution.
Simply refer to the handy 432
Late Night Talk Show-O-Matic
below, and before you know it,
you'll be falling asleep with a half-
empty bowl of Jiffy Pop in your
hand and a smile on your face.
1. How would you describe
yourself as a person?
a) Quiet, demure, enjoys a good
chuckle over a sherry
b) Occasionally likes to get crazy
and play the Lawrence Welk
records at 78 rpm
c) Butt-ugly and damned proud
of it
d) Too young to really say for
e) Sorry, what was the question?
.2. How would you describe
yourself as a dog?
a) Basset Hound
b) Golden Lab
c) Bull Mastiff
d) Chihuahua
e) French Poodle
3. What would you do with a
million dollars?
a) Invest in blue-chip stocks
b) Open a health-food restauram::
c) Offer it to Wilford Brimley in
exchange for his mooning
America on the 6:00 news
d) Buy a Lamborghini Diablo and
spend one helluva weekend in
Fort Lauderdale
e) I'm sorry, I can't count that
4. What would most closely rep
resent your favorite style of
a) Vivaldi - The Four Seasons
b) Huey Lewis And The News -
Heart Of Rock & Roll
c) Rolling Stones - Sympathy For
The Devil
d) "Weird Al" Yankovic - Polka
Your Eyes Out
e) That bunch of big black guys
that I can't remember what
they're called but y'know, they
jump around and yell a lot,
'cause that's really fresh but it's
not rap 'cause that's kinda the
same but different and besides
it gives me a headache
5. What do you look for in a
talk-show host?
a) Erudite, engaging, asks intelligent questions
b) Hams it up and plays a few old
faves for everybody
c) Looks, talks and acts like Alfred
E. Neuman at 40
d) Looks, talks and acts like
Alfred E. Neuman at 14
e) Not too picky about that host
guy 'cause he's always there
and I can see him anytime
6. What's your favorite drink at
a) Campari and water
b) Beck's Beer
c) Double Long Island Iced Tea
served in a coconut
d) Prairie Fire shooters 'til you
e) Anything you can bootleg out
of the liquor store
7. What guest would you most
like to see on the show?
a) Henry Kissinger
b) Paul McCartney
c) Robin Williams
d) Bobcat Goldthwait
e) Donnie Wahlberg
8. If Adolf Hitler were on the
show, what question would
you most like to hear asked?
a) "Stalingrad. Obviously could
have gone better... in retrospect, what would you have
done differently, and how does
this experience reflect in your        13-
current ideological philosophic
b) "Tell me a little about life at
home, and the Adolf Hider we     18-
don't know."
c) "Well, I guess ol' Churchill
sure pulled the wool over your
eyes, huh?"
d) "Maybe you could just tell us a
bit about yourself; after all,
most of the audience wasn't
even born yet the last time you        ''
were in the papers..."
e) "So, Adolf... what's with all
this brown?"
9. What's your favorite snack?
a) Psite' de foie gras and crackers
b) Rice cakes and Evian
c) Chicago dog with the works
and a Coke
d) Nachos with double jalapefios
e) Just about anything containing     *''
either NutraSweet or a free
prize inside
10. What defining feature would
you like to see in the show's
a) Total absence (he'd just get in
the way of the real entertainment)
b) Whey-faced, panty-waisted
blues pianist from Ontario
c) Taciturn jazz saxophonist who
usually keeps the horn in his
d) Overweight spazz case created
from Chris Farley's body and
Crispin Glover's brain
e) Total absence (if he had any
brain at all, he'd take over the
Please score 1 point for each
'a', 2 for each 'b', etc., up to 5 for
each 'e'. Here's what you'd most
1-12: You're a sloth. Take a nap
after dinner and watch Later
with Bob Costas at 1:30 am.
The best talk around. (He
actually had Kissinger on
17: You're still on the quiet
side, but you might enjoy
Whoopi. Just don't take any
Valium beforehand.
26: Your youth is fading fast.
Either that, or you still live
with your parents. Anyway,
the program for you is The
Chevy Chase Show. It's a new
show, sure, but nevertheless
you have seen it before. Trust
-36: You're the kind of guy
who would keep a snowball in
the freezer to chuck at someone in July. You're also one of
the countless hordes who
would get a big kick out of
The Late Show with David
Letterman. But you knew that
already; it's likely that you're
just not used to the new 11:30
time slot yet. That's OK; I
miss Biff Henderson too.
43: Well, either you consider
Dave a traitor, or you just like
guys with square heads,
because Jay Leno and The
Tonight Show is right up your
alley. Do yourself a favor,
though - at least watch Dave's
monologue. It's considerably
shorter, and less likely to cause
you intestinal discomfort.
■49: Hmm... you're a tad out
there. You don't spend much
time within the surly confines
of this particular planet. My
guess is that Late Night with
Conan O'Brien would suit
you, if it ever becomes funny.
Watch out for that sidekick,
though (please see Question
10, option 'd'). Yecch.
57: You poor bastard. You're a
total cretin. You couldn't find
your own ass with both hands
and a compass. You probably
didn't even realize that it's
impossible to get 57 points on
this test without my having
fold you.
Know what that means?
You're an Arsenio fan. Kill
yourself forthwith. And take
him with you.
THIS WEEK'S THEME: Famous Dead Edible Things
2. Plump when ya cook 'em.
4. Overacting.
6. Tony's favorite.
8. Possum & l'orange.
12. Mary had a little one.
13. Ya can't drink it.
15. Pizza standard.
1. Large Lederhosened German on fire.
3. "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights".
4. Wilbur courting anaphylactic shock.
5. Gobble-gobble with garlic.
7. A cow with no legs.
9. What they eat in Aitch-Ee-Double-Hockey-Sticks.
10. Slap the .
11. "Got anything without so much in it?" Campus Wars, Part II
Last time, Leah, member of the
Imperious Senate was captured by
Art Vader and the villanous campus
patrol. Before her detainment, however, she was able to jettison a message. Our heroes, Luke Warm and
Bill "Dobiewan"Kedobie, are
searching for a driver to take them
to Angus, who anxiously awaits
Leah's message. And now, on with
our story:
Bill: The Pit Pub. You will never
find a more wretched horde of
scum and villainy. We must
watch our step.
Bouncer. Hold on, the old guy's
okay, but you. Let's see some
Bill: You don't need to see his
ID. He's well over 19. Have
some free beer.
Bouncer. I don't need to see his
ID. He's well over 19. Have
some free beer.
Luke: How did you do that?
Bill: The Force is a strong ally
against the weak-minded.
This here is Chewtobacca.
He's shotgun in a car that will
suit our needs. Here's the
driver now. He's in Engineering.
Solo :The name's Solo. Drum
Bill: Is she a fast car?
Solo :You never heard of the Allu-
minum Pinto? She's the car
that made a beer run in under
10 minutes. She's fast enough
old man. Chewie, take them
out to B-lot. I'll catch up.
Greedy:   Going somewhere, Solo?
Your student loan is overdue.
Solo :Look, I got a really lousy
summer job so... oh hell.
<Shoots loan officer>
DISCLAIMER: This is a work
of fiction. In real life you
should almost never have to shoot
a student loan officer.
Evading campus security, Solo
manoeuvers the Pinto onto the
Campus Proper.
Bill is teaching Luke more of the
Bill: Remember, a jedi uses the
Force for knowledge and
impressing chicks, never for
attack. Now try this logarithm
again, this time with a blindfold.
Luke: With a blindfold, I can't
see the slide-rule.
Bill: Your eyes can deceive you.
Don't trust them. See, I knew
you could do it.
Luke: You know, I almost could
see the numbers.
Solo :You've been in Chewie's
special medicine again,
haven't you?
Bill: Pay him no mind. Remember, the Force is a good ally,
but beware the arts side.
Luke: Is the arts side stronger?
Bill: No, faster, easier, less hours
per week and no labs.
Dave: I think it's time we demonstrate the full power of the
Political Correctness ray.
Leah: No, Commerce is a peaceful faculty. All we care about
is money. You can't.
Dave: You prefer another target, a
science target? I grow tired of
asking this, so this will be the
last time. Where is the rebel
Leah: The Cheeze. They're in the
Dave: You see, Vader, she can be
cooperative. You may fire
when ready. The Cheeze is far
too remote for a effective
demonstration, but don't
worry. We'll deal with your
science friends soon enough.
Bill: There's been a grave disturbance in the Force. I fear
Angus has been politically cor-
Solo .-I've picked up a campus
cruiser. It's a short-range one
so I think we can take it. It's
heading for that donut shop.
Bill: That's not a donut shop,
that's security, central. Get us
out of here.
Solo :Too late. Quick, everyone
into the trunk. There's a
secret compartment where I
hide beer.
Bill: I must go alone. Wait here
till I get back.
Luke: It says here that Leah is
being held in Buchanan. We
have to help her. The reward
will be more beer than you
can imagine.
Solo :I don't know... I can imagine quite a bit.
Luke: I'm Luke Warm. I'm here
with Dobiewan Kedobie.
Leah: Dobiewan, where is he?
Leah blasts a hole in the wall,
and the heroes fall into a Philosophy
101 lecture hall.
Prof:\i a tree fell in a forest and
there was no one to hear it,
would it make a noise?
Leah : Quick, shut off all lectures
on the detention level.
Solo :No, shut them all off!
Meanwhile, Dobiewan confronts
Vader:   Now the circle is complete. When you left, I was
but a frosh. Now I have a
Bill: It's only a Masters of Arts.
Next issue, the thrilling conclusion
of our saga...
SUS Year & Department Rep Elections
Poll Clerks Needed
One-hour shifts are available between 11:30 and
2:30 on 6-8 October. The wage is $6 per hour.
Applications available in SUS.
Applications to be handed in to Laurie Yee, Elections
Commissioner, by 30 September in CHEM 160.
For more information, please call Sarah Thornton or
Laurie Yee at 822 4235.
Sowe fe)9lE sw I'm t^oT f\ GREtf
UJVER OF ftMlMftis. T^j *JoTTftiA6.
1 'd Sry, w.th The Rvfrtvr Sftuce,
3u<sr PiBouT AKJ-Y   ftUlrAM-,
ts wowt»eRFuL.
Submit to
Staff Meeting
12:30 PM, 23 Sept in SUS
Deadline for Issue 3
4:00 PM, 29 Sept
For more info, contact Ryan McCuaig
(Dir/Publications) at 822 4235 or 228 4141
Submission guidelines can be found on page 3
Informal Lunch and
Organizational Meeting
o F
Thursday, September 30,1993
12:30 PM
(bring your lunch, juice provided)
Family and Nutritional Sciences
Room 60
"Genes For Lunch "
Dr. Rosie Redfield
Department of Zoology
Our first speaker is Dr. Rosie Redfield. She came to UBC under
the auspices of GAR, the Canadian Institute of Advanced
Research. This organization uses funds from private industry to
bring the very besl scientists worldwide into Canadian
Universities in order to stimulate and inspire us all. Dr. Redfield
is now a faculty member in the Zoology Department. She will
speak about her career trajectory, which she describes as "loopy"
as well as her research into the evolution of sex. Runner-up in the "Impossibly Stupid"
Category of the 13tn Annual Pan-
American Malpractice Championships.
-•   '.    ■ ft. ■..•*■:»■•■ 1  .!    .".■ "'     *S
Canadian Press
Dik Miller, Tree Hugger
Licenced lo...
If'00'is a licence to kill, what other licences does MI6hand
XX - Licence to make Mexican beer.
XXX - Licence to show adult films.
$$ - Licence to print money (Dentistry)
OOO - Licence to make secret sauces for White Spot
PP - Licence to urinate in public parks (or private petunias)
BB - Licence to fire pellet guns in the direction of royalty,
(rarely issued)
UK - Licence to drive on the left.
zz - Licence to actually print "beer" on some poster widi
impunity; ~n'
BO - Licence to offend.
EE - Licence to offend everything, living, dead, dying, rotting, and/or stoned.
Friday, October 1 in
the SUB Ballroom
Tix from Box Office or SUS
(CHEM 160)
Welcome to the first installment of Dik Miller for this year.
As of October 1993, the Dik
Miller character will have
appeared in various kinds of student papers, from high school
publications such as La Gauche
and The Plague to this fine collection of newsprint, for ten—yes,
ten—years. In fact, he's already
reached the five-year mark in The
432 alone. We're trying to cook
up something to commemorate
the occasion, but for now you'll
just have to deal with another
inept story. Tough luck.
When last we left our intrepid
hero, Dik Miller, former private
eye, campus cowboy, food services
employee, Desert Storm spy, Arts
faculty advisor, and Engineering
political correctness enforcer, he had
been placed on involuntary leave
from his current post as Library
Enforcer because he had been
caught contravening University policy by sitting in a tree during his
lunch break. That, however, was
six months ago.
The man certainly was muscular. As his left leg hit me in
the chest there was a deafening
crunch as I fell. Though I managed to get up and come at him
again with fists flailing, he caught
me in a neck hold and slammed
me to the ground again.
I was getting pretty dazed. A
couple of punches and kicks to
his legs and he was down, but he
was too fast. Before I could come
in for the lethal head stomp, he
tripped me and flung me into a
wall. Then I died.
"Damn," I muttered. I never
did get the hang of Street Fighter
This was my life now. I was on
an unpaid, unwanted leave from
my job as Library Enforcer, and I
had held most other staff jobs at
the University —and been fired
from them. I was becoming
"Challenge you to a game of
Tetris?" I asked a passing student.
"Bug off, creep," he said,
somehow managing to make it
sound polite.
This was becoming a regular
occurrence, and I really had to
find something to do with my
life. Six months of bumming
around on revenues from my illicit sale of discount bulk Gum-
miBears® was getting tiresome. I
could feel my brain rotting. (The
GummiBear® diet wasn't helping
much either.)
I walked upstairs in the Student Union Building and headed
for the north exit, thinking that
maybe I should just fling myself
from the Tower Beach cliffs and
be done with it.
Then I saw it.
It was a small sign, printed on
that kind of brown, flecky paper
that looks really recycled even if it
isn't. "Join the Clayoquot Blockade—Help Save the Rainforest!"
Hmm. Didn't sound like a bad
1    U    B    C    1
1            l            1
SUS has an opening for the executive position of
Public Relations Officer
The term of this position would be from October
15, 1993 to April 1,1994.
The responsibilities of the person elected to the
position are:
• To act as a liaison between the Society and student
employment agencies, and between the Society and
Science Club employment representatives.
• To coordinate or appoint a coordinator for all of
the Society's charity events, including but not
limited to the Red Cross Blood Drive and the Food
Bank Food Drive.
• To represent the Society on the AMS Student
All candidates will be asked to demonstrate an ability
to recite naughty limericks whilst gargling, and an
understanding of the true genius of Ren & Stimpy.
Applications available in SUS.
Nominations Due: 6:00 PM, 23 September 1993
Election Dates: 6-8 October 1993
For more information, please call Sarah Thornton or
Laurie Yee at 822 4235.
Two days later I was on a rickety old bus chugging its way
along the highway out of Port
Alberni towards Ucluelet and
Clayoquot Sound. UBC, city
smog, and the last 7-Eleven for a
very long distance were behind
"Heading for the blockade?"
asked the woman seated next to
"Yes, in fact, I am," I replied.
"Me too," she said, extending
her hand. "I'm Melanie."
"Dik Miller, Private Ey-...I
mean, Dik Miller. Yeah, that's
"So how come you're going to
the blockade?" she wondered.
I contemplated the question
for a bit. "I think it's a combination of a need to escape from the
city, Generation X cynico-existen-
tial angst, a desire to live with
danger in running the risk of
being arrested, and the fact that I
saw a poster," I declared. "And
"I like trees," she said. "They're
re ally...big."
"Well, not all of them," I
pointed out.
Here eyes widened. "What do
you mean?"
"Well, say a Douglas fir
seedling, it's maybe only, oh, four
inches high. That's not very big."
"That more of a shrub, then,
isn't it?"
"No, it's still a tree, just a small
Melanie was getting distraught.
"B-but trees.. .are...big!"
"Most of them, yeah, but it
depends what you mean by big.
You know, one of those sort of
squat, bushy trees people used for
landscaping in 1972 isn't really
that big when you compare it to,
say a full-grown Sitka spruce. And
cedar hedges — they're usually not
much taller than a person, which
isn't really that big. And of course
there's Bonsai..."
"Stop it! Stop it!" she began
shouting, whapping me on the
nose with her rolled-up magazine.
"Trees are big and that's final! I
like big trees, the Clayoquot has
big trees, and I'm going to save
big trees!"
I fended her off. "I'm sure
there are some small trees there
"Shut up! Shut up!" Whap,
whap, whap.
"Hey! Stop that!" I cried.
"That hurts!"
When I regained consciousness, I Was lying by the side of the
road, my trusty Dik Miller™
suitcase/emergency life raft/satellite tracking station by my side. I
could tell this was going to be a
fun time. The Student s
Langley is not a hick town,
okay? I've heard it said one
time too many that Langley is a
mudhole or full of rednecks. People keep mixing us up with Mission, for some reason. The reason
why I feel the need to get this off
my chest is because we were
almost the home of what I believe
to be the first topless shoeshine
place in BC, if not the world.
Leave it to Langley. Only a
place wedged between Surrey
(enough said) and the Bible Belt
could come up with the idea of a
topless shoeshine place.
Couldn't just have a strip joint
like everywhere else. Heck, no!
We like to keep our girls doing
something productive. Now it's
not just me using the non-PC
expression here. That's the word
they used in the ad, when they
solicited applications (accompanied by photo, of course) from
girls 19 and over. My mother
seemed somewhat offended when
I asked her if she wanted to apply
(I can't imagine why). She didn't
seem any more impressed when I
told her that since all they said
was "apply with photo", she could
apply with a picture of someone
else if she wanted. Like maybe
Claudia Schiffer.
Then I thought: "You know,
this really discriminates against
guys who want to bare their half
as well, gosh golly." So I decided
to read that blurb that every paper
has about employment discrimination. It says something to the
effect that you can get around the
discrimination clauses if you can
prove that the sex (race, creed, or
whatever) of the person is signifi-
candy related to the position at
hand. Hmm. I guess guys
wouldn't be particularly interested in having their shoes shined by
topless men. Oh well, I guess seeing topless men isn't really a
major event anyway. It was just a
thought, okay?
You may well ask why it is that
I'm writing instead of studying
for the MCAT, which I am taking in a matter of days, but I
believe that it's self-explanatory. It
is possible to go stark raving mad
from exceeding your personal
study limits. Because I have such
a small margin for error as is, I
have no intention of approaching
the edge, much to the delight of
my colleagues (read competition).
I mean, why study when I can
spend time coming up with about
30 more lines to make this article
a healthy size?
So, here they are:
A is for all-nighters, of which
.'ve pulled many.
Bis for Blue Chip and bagels
*from Benny.
is for caffeine and coffee and
Dis for deadlines (see/for
Eis for engineers (mockers
T7is for 432 (what else is there?).
Gis for graduation, eight
months away.
His for homework, to fill up
the day.
[is for income, of which I have
is for joke (our deadlines are
Kis for keeners and kill (not
T  is for Leona (truly underrated)
Mis for MCAT, I thought
that was clear.
Nis for naps, you'll take a lot
I here.
is for overdues: watch out
for those.
Pis for parking; you'll pay
through the nose.
is for quadmates, who're like
my third family.
Ris for recession (but you knew
that already)
Sis for Strangway, who you'll
learn to love.
Tis for tantrum (see Quad-
mates, above)
Uis for underage, a bummer to
Vis for vacation, bad if from
the Dean.
Wis for weekend, a word I
Xis for something, but I don't
know what.
Yis for young love and all that
good stuff.
Zis ...leave me alone, wasn't 25
There will be a workshop on the Mentor
Program for students and faculty who have
applied to be mentors.
Date: Tues, 21 Sept or Wed, 22 Sept
Time: 12:30—1:30 PM
Place:        Biological Sciences 2449
You will receive a list of your Mentor groups at
this workshop. Please let us know of your
availability at 822 4541. As well, please notify
us of any address changes.
Mentoring Program
Faculty of Science
Rm 1507 Biological Sciences Building
6270 University Boulevard
Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1Z4
Treasury Trunks
Jason Holmes
Well. It is another year.
Hum. Oh boy. Well, for
all of you math giants, here is
your first assignment: the Budget
for the Science Undergraduate
Society for the 1993/94
hangover-go-away year.
As far as the numbers go, we're
doing just fine, and I don't have
to go skin the previous D of F for
absconding with $16 000 (just
kidding!). One must look at the
current budget with knowledge of
the fact that last year there was a
carry over of about $ 13 000
because second term sports
rebates for 1991/92 were not distributed due to the strike at UBC.
Now that a good explanation has
been given, the Budget in all its
SUS Budget 1993-94
Prior Fiscal Year
Student Fees
Pop Machine
Pop Machine from last Yr.
Photocopier from last Yr.
Loan Repayments
Actual 92/93
Budget 92/93
Budget 93/94
Prior Fiscal Year
Office Supplies
Pop Machine/Pop
TV/VCR rental/purchase
Academic Entertainment
Office of Dean of Science
Computer/Laser Printer
Interdepartmental Relations
Election Expenses
Club Grants
Social (net)
Science Week (net)
AMS Loan Repayment
Constituent Club Loans
Special Projects
Summer Guide
Grad Rebate Overpayment
Late Sports Rebates
Actual 92/93
Budget 92/93
Budget 93/94
Net Surplus
114.86 The Drawers of SUS
Sarah's Skivvies
Sarah Thornton
Well. The year is off to a
resounding start. After a
stress-filled first week, including a
beer garden, a barbecue, and
numerous requests for locker
rentals (which, by the way, can be
obtained from the Chem Club in
room D222), we are finally back
in business. Thanks to all of you
who came out and drank our
cheap bzzr, helping to make the
September 8 bzzr garden one of
our most successful ever. Many
thanks to all who helped out as
well. It's great to have such
enthusiastic converts to SUS.
So...what's coming up? Well,
the next big event has got to be
the Year and Department Rep
elections. They will be on October 6-8th, and the deadline for
nominations is September 23. If
you're interested in getting
involved with SUS Council, this
is the time to do it. We need reps
from all four years and each Science department. You've probably
already seen the ads for PRO
somewhere else. (I know the only
people who read this are desperate
for reading material and have read
the rest of the paper already.) We
do need someone to fill this exec
position—someone with an interest in both charity work and the
AMS would be an asset. Lots of
people seem to' fee'interested in    '"
getting involved with the society
this year. It looks like it's shaping
up to be a great one!
The Mentoring program is
starting up now. Mentors groups
have been assigned and there were
study skills workshops last week.
Hopefully, the departmental
clubs will be holding events for
the mentor groups in their
departments in early October.
Don't forget clubs days this
week (22-24). Wander around
SUB and find the club that's right
for you. Most of the Science clubs
will have booths.
Things are getting going, and
we're back to meetings, meetings,
and more meetings. Although the
exec do complain about 7:30 am
breakfast meetings, we actually
accomplish things! Exec meetings
are Tuesdays at 7:30 am and
council meetings Thursdays at
1:30. Bring us your concerns.
What have I been doing as
president for the last few weeks?
Mostly answering un-ending
questions—from the exec, council
members, and all you students
out there. I've also worked with
past prez Carmen McKnight on
the Mentoring program, sold
tickets at our bzzr garden, dealt
with key control and the EUS,
sold paper, spent eons hanging
around the office, and gone to the
occasional class. I don't know
what I'd do anymore without the
hectic nature of my job to come
back to after class!
AMS Briefs
Steve Coleman
I have to begin this article with a
heartfelt farewell and thanks to
Graeme Kennedy, former PRO.
(By the way, if you'd like to
replace him, nomination forms
are available in SUS.) Graeme
quickly became a member of virtually every AMS committee he
could find (many of which have
now enslaved me). He was also on
the newly-formed Pub Board, the
crowning achievement of the
AMS' summer. Unfortunately I
was in Costa Rica during the formation of the Pub Board, and was
rather disappointed to learn upon
rny return that it had nothing to
do with pubs at all.
I guess my proxy got my directions mixed up. Instead of a commission to look into the need for
another pub at UBC, she chaired
a meeting to form a Publications
Board responsible for overseeing
all AMS publications (this does
not: include The 432 ). Way to
go, Sarah. F.yan McCuaig is the
lone Science undergrad on the
Pub Board, so speak to him if you
want to know more, or want to
borrow his car. (ed. go take a long
walk off a short pier, Steve.)
RentsLine is a newly installed
system for students looking for a
new place to store their furniture.
The number is 822 9844. It's sort
of a Telereg for student housing,
installed to making searching for
a new pad just as enjoyable as
searching for another course without a waiting list. Yep, you can
have hours of fun listening to
exactly the same busy tone that
Telereg uses, without the $1 per
transaction fee...
This summer, Dean Leung
(AMS Director of Finance) set up
the AMS Gopher Server. As I
understand it, this is a computer
hooked up to Internet, which is
an information system for all
those with Internet access. Cur-
rendy the gopher contains info on
all sorts of AMS-related topics,
but it is open for submissions
whatever your topic. By the way,
Internet is world-wide, so you can
be gratified in knowing that
someone in Zimbabwe may know
about your bzzr garden.
Remember the tuition increase
last year ? Well, here's your
opportunity to get some of it
back. The AMS, using Teaching
and Learning Enhancement Fund
monies, are sponsoring the AMS
Tutoring Service. It is being coordinated by Chan Choon Hian, a
graduate student with more
degrees and awards than you and
I could ever hope to get, so we
can be sure that it will be done
right. The big thing to remember
is that it's FREE. Yes, you heard
right. FREE. By the way, if you
think you're qualified, perhaps
you can work as a tutor for the
AMS. There are many positions
By now you've probably
noticed the new restaurant where
TortelHni'swas located. It's called
the Pendulum. Don't worry if you
don't understand the name—neither did the Arts reps on AMS
Council. Bit of an in joke for all
you Edgar Allan Poe fans out
Due to the decision to keep
JobLink active during the school
year, SUB space has been re-allocated. The winners of the Who-
Sweepstakes were the Student
Environment Centre and the
Global Development Centre.
SEC is in 218, GDC in. 237b
(near CiTR). On the losing side
are JobLink, the Student University Affairs Office (formerly the
Ombudsoffice), Volunteer Connections, and GLBUBC. These
service organizations have been
stuck on the first floor with excessive visibility and the headaches
that go with it. Council listened
to their vehement protests, but
the motion went through regardless.
Ballot Boxers
Laurie Yee
If you're looking for a great
93-94 school year then fill out
a SUS Year & Department Rep
nomination form, which are
available from this issue of The
432 and in the SUS office
(CHEM 160). We are searching
the ends of the Earth for willing
and able bodies. What I'll require
from you is that you come to SUS
Council meetings, join Academics
Committee and one other committee, paint posters, and inform
your fellow students about all that
we offer. Specifics of the duties
are posted in CHEM 160 next to
the nomination forms.
There are 25 positions open
for Year and Department reps. To
be eligible for a department rep
position you must be registered in
the department (this means that
for you frosh out there, you can't
take any of those positions).
The following year and department rep council positions are
available: 4th year reps (3), 3rd
year reps (3), 2nd year reps (3),
1st year reps (2), biochemistry,
biology, chemistry, computer science, general science, geography,
geophysics/astronomy, math,
microbiology, oceanography,
pharmacology, physics, physiology and psychology.
Elections will be taking place
from the 6-8 October, but before
that I need to meet all you interested folks and tell you the rules
for campaigning and elections. So
bring those nomination forms, to
me in SUS by 23 September 1993
at 6:00. Funny as it may seem,
the meeting that you must attend
to show your interest is at 5:30 on
September 23, 1993. If you're not
wanting to run but are looking
for something to do to kill some
time during the elections time,
sign up to be a polling clerk (we'll
even pay you!)
If you really, really want to get
involved then I suggest that you
try running for the position of
Public Relations Officer, a SUS
executive position. This job
requires a smidgen more time
considering that you would be sitting on AMS council, fulfilling
the requirements that they set out
for you and doing all the SUS
exec stuff too. Since I'm being
lazy and trying to save paper, fill
out one of the year and department rep nomination forms, and
go about everything else the same
See you at the meeting!
Senate Shorts
Chris Woods
G'Day and welcome back (or
just welcome for those of
you new to this institution) to
another fun and dutifully academic year at UBC.
.. .Now back to the real world:
Those pesky, get-in-the-way-of-a-
real-education kind of things
called classes are what Senate
deals with. Senate is the governing academic: body of the University, and as such makes all those
excruciatingly important decisions, such as how long the exam
period should be, and whether a
certain line in the Calendar
should be ended with a . or a ;.  I
am your Faculty of Science student representative, so if you have
any questions about academics
(not your grades) then come and
see me in SUS.
Currently Senate is looking
into the feasibility of printing the
exam schedule in the calendar,
and shortening the April exam
period to 13 school days.(As an
aside, the exam schedule thing has
been around for a while—many
other Universities print it early)
No word yet as to whether the
freed up days will get tacked onto
the summer, or plunked down
into February to create a full reading week. Any preferences? As
well, I know what all those holes
on campus are going to be, so if
you want to know, ask me. And
yes, the rose garden will be
replaced on top of the parkade
under construction at the north
end of campus.
Just for fun: The cut off GPA
for first year Science was 3.33 (ie.
84.2%)—so all of you in third,
fourth and higher years can thank
your parents that you got in when
you did. Also there were 1209
people accepted into first year, so
statistically you make only .08%
of a difference unless you come
out to SUS and get involved.
Social Diseases
Matt Brzzr
Several hundred thirsty UBC
students found a viable
alternative to the agonizing four-
hour Pit lineup in first week as
they made their way up to the
SUB Partyroom for an evening of
pickled livers and spinning
ceilings. The fun and frivolity
was SUS s way of welcoming back
those students who can not only
not work $4 beers into their
budgets, but also have difficulty
swallowing anything that is
produced within the walls of
Molson Breweries. Needless to
say, the beer provided was of the
highest calibre and certainly
didn't have names ending in
either "Ice" or "Dry" ( am I being
redundant ?).
For those of you who decided
that overpriced beer, extensive
lineups, chaotic crowds and
mediocre music is more your
"cup of tea" (that is, those of you
who did attend Pit Night during
your first week of classes), you
most definitely would not be
interested in the next SUS social
function scheduled for Friday,
October 1st. The bzzr will be
cheap, the lineups nonexistent,
the music spectacular, and the
crowds, though substantial, will
be far from chaotic (the latter I
can't guarantee). This
Oktoberfest Dance, as we have
aptly named it, will feature a live
band that is widely known both
on and off campus. Fortunately,
the increasingly popular
Rumplesteelskin has agreed to
grace us with their abundant
musical talent. So, for those of
you that attended our first highly
successful bzzr garden and for the
rest of you that enjoy good
music, good company, and great
beer, see you at the SUS
Oktoberfest! hie!
I knew it!
I knew that if I were to print a
small, upside-down version of this
issue's crossword puzzle, you d all
come check it out and just fill in the
words from the "solution ".
Well, guess what? This isn 't a solution to it. Psych! The real one will
come next issue.
Now get your lazy ass back to page
3 and do it right. What else have
you got to do... take notes or some-
thin'? Pandoras Breadbox
Canadians, it would seem,
enjoy the highest standard of
living in the world, according to
the World Health Organization.
This rating is designed to gauge
world socioeconomic progress,
and to decide who gets dibs in the
lunch lineup in the UN cafeteria.
It is established by measuring several per capita statistics, including:
a) gross domestic product,
b) personal income,
c) unemployment and crime
d) reluctance to buy The Clapper
and spend several hours on
end sucking cheap beers
watching A Current Affair.
As I say, Canada ranked first,
followed by several Scandinavian
countries; apparently, 'hospitable
climate' was not among the criteria. The U.S. ranked a disappointing 24th (rumor has it that
The Clapper thing—and the
Greater Los Angeles area in general —kinda threw it for them; they
complained that 'fried food consumed per capita' and 'religious
theme parks per square mile'
should have been eligible categories).
So there you have it, folks.
This is as good as it gets.
Nowhere on this rock will you
find anything surpassing our
quality of life. Or at least not for
less than $200 a night for a single.
This won't bother most people,
though; after all, our consensual
idea of a good time is going out
into the bitter cold and sliding
around on a frozen lake beating
each other with sticks for control
of a small piece of rubber. But
hey, if the mukluk fits...
I bring all of this up, though,
because I think we've hit a new
peak in societal sophistication. I
used to think that we peaked with
free delivery inside 30 minutes,
but that's old hat compared to my
latest capital acquisition. That's
right; I broke down and went
beyond the ordinary fare and
bought a real toy.
I bought a bread maker.
This thing is incredible.
You do nothing but dump
flour and milk and yeast into it,
and two hours later, you have hot,
fresh, tasty bread! This represents
something quite amazing for a
guy like myself. Not that I'm a
total idiot or anything, but since I
came here, my skill in the kitchen
has deteriorated to the point
where it takes me an hour to cook
Minute Rice, I take my cookies to
hockey practice in case we need
more pucks, and I am actually
capable of burning water.
Indeed, any former attempts at
baked goods on my part invariably ended up terribly. Armed
with my dog-eared copy of Modern Cuisine For The Gastronomi-
cally Hopeless, I was making
"pudding-in-the-middle" cakes
long before Duncan Hines ever
marketed the concept. They went
very well, incidentally, with my
famous "raw-still-mooing-meat-
in-the-middle" roast beef. But my
efforts were not without their relative merits—I found that my
delicious Chocolate Souffle (pronounced soufloppe) also doubled
as an attractive shower cap.
So you can imagine my unbridled glee at having acquired a
machine that does all of this for
me without actually requiring me
to make sure it's working. You
wouldn't believe my roommates
and I; we huddle around this
thing and marvel at it like Jeffrey
Dahmer at an autopsy. You've
never seen anyone so excited
about a loaf of bread in your
entire life. After a while, you'd
begin to think we just got off the
boat from Somalia.
And of course, none of us dare
touch the thing while it's working. The machine's program is
refined to the point where if we
even try to help it out, it gives us
all cookies and tells us to go play
outside while it gets supper ready.
Naturally, along with this
wondrous machine came several
cardinal rules to follow, such as,
"Plug it in." Generally a good rule
to live by, unless "it" happens to
be a gerbil. (Don't ask.)
The one rule that troubled me
a little, though, was the stipulation that "the breadmaker must
NOT be opened during the
breadmaking process." Now, for
Joe Average, this may not pose
much of a problem... throw on
the bread and go watch A Current
Affair. But my experience has
taught me that I tend to be a little
too curious for my own good, and
I want to know what's going on
in there when I close that lid. The
fact that bread just appears is not
a sufficient explanation for me.
There's something weird going on
inside these things. I know it.
My theory is this: when the
necessary ingredients are put in,
and the START button is pushed,
a door opens inside the machine.
At that point, several of those little Keebler elves start running
around inside the baking compartment and make the bread.
The danger, of course, in opening
the door while this is happening
is that they'll jump out and start
baking everything in sight. You
see, those little dudes just live to
bake stuff, and there'd be no stopping them without declaring
worldwide moratoria on shortening production or flour trading or
some such measure. It'd be The
Sorcerer's Apprentice all over again,
except instead of everything being
underwater, it'd all be golden-
brown and good with your
favorite spread.
Which brings us to the larger
debate on labour regulations...
how do I know I didn't buy a
unionized breadmaker? Before
you know it, my breadmaker will
refuse to operate after 4 pm without overtime pay. I could have a
four-inch-tall version of Jimmy
Hoffa living in there. (Now
there's something that would give
you nightmares, huh?) If that's
the case, though, there is an
upside... I'll just hire on the
shortest guy working in UBC
Food Services, and then I'll be
able to make my own cinnamon
buns. Mmmm...
And all this is possible because
we live in a country so advanced,
you don't even have to know how
to make bread anymore. Soon,
when I buy my Automatic Studi-
er, my Auto-Launderer and my
Beeromatic, the evolution of my
lifestyle will be complete—I'll just
spend all day running around
turning all these damn things on
and off. Progress is grand, n'est-ce
rt  O
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