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The 432 Mar 7, 1989

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 SCIENCE   U.B.C.
NEWSPAPER
Volume 2, Nujnber 11
THE NEWSPAPER FOR SCIENCE STUDENTS
March 7,1989
THE SCIENCE
EXECUTIVE ELECTIONS
ARE ON NOW!
COME OUT AND VOTE MARCH 8 TO MARCH 10
FROM 10:30-2:30 AT:
CHEM 250
COMPUTER SCIENCE
HEBB THEATRE
WESBROOK
WOODWARD IRC
REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR AMS CARD
We have 10 candidates running for 7 different positions:
Vote [yes] or [no] for these candidates
PRESIDENT
INTERNAL, VICE
SPORTS DIRECTOR
Ari Giligson
Catherine Rankel
Keith McCall
Choose one of these candidates
EXTERNAL VICE
EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
AMS REPRESENTATIVE
Annette Rohr
Antonia Rozario
David New
Sanjay Parikh
Julie Memory
Derek Miller
NOTE: The candidate for Director of Finance. Pauline Anthione, has withdrawn her candidacy. This leaves no candidates running for this position or
the position for Director of Publications (432 editor). If you are interested in
either of these positions, please contact Irene Dorocicz (Elections Commissioner) or Derek Miller (current 432 editor) in Scarfe 9.
In this issue
mmmmmmmHtimmmiimtmiK
AMS Report 3
Animal Tools 7
BIOSOC everywhere (again)
Black & Blue Review   6
Computer Science 1,6
Credits 3
Women 2
Dik Miller . 2
Election 1,4
Grad Events 3,8
IN. Stein
Letters
On This Date
Quiz
Ski Trip
Sports
T-shirts
Uncle Rusty
1
7
7
3
3
8
6,7
6
Anyone who knows who it was who submitted
G. Crawford's "We Are the Oceanographers" for the last issue, please tell him.
Information for the Curious
by Yolanda Leung
BIOSOC? What's BIOSOC?
Well, for the answer to that important
question, stay tuned. BIOSOC is the
departmental club for the biological sciences. That includes Zoology, Biology,
and Botany. You may not have heard of
BIOSOC - well, that'snotour fault - you
nov,' -kaow. You-may choose to ignore
the efforts of a small group of individuals acting in the name of BIOSOC on the
behalf of Biology students. After all,
what has this Biological Sciences Society done?
1. provided opportunities to meet the
faculty through the lecture series and
academic forum.
2. provided access to exams from previ
ous   years   that   are   otherwise
unavailable.
3. held successful beer gardens.
4. organized graduation functions:
- the dinner dance
- composite photos
- graduation rebates
5. organized teams for several intramu
ral events:
-Arts'20
- Day of the Longboat
- Centipede Run etc.
6. created life science theme T-shirts:
- BIOHAZARDOUS!
- Zoology '89
7. organized a fish print workshop
(Gyotaku) and donated $200 to the
Tofino Oil Crisis Clinic.
8. organized a ski weekend at Whistler.
We have an office (hut M32 on West
Mall at University Blvd.) and a phone
(228-6046) and a few choice spots on the
BIOSOC executive. So, did BIOSOC do
good this year? Csayou do better? Leave
something behind at UBC other than
library and parking fines.
Tuum est.
eigucRcuLiuiRE a
The opportunities in this new
degree program hold great
potential in a growing industry. Speaking on the topic will
be Dr. George Iwana. 12:30
on March 21 in BIOL 2449.
Comp Sci Yearbook
Taking orders now!
Low, low clearout price of $2
(we won't be undersold!)
Comp Sci rm. 203A, 228-3033
!\i. 5TEIN     ^   KtnCHWr
DO YOU THINK TUE5E   5H0K  MNCE
THE   APPROPRIATE   FASHION    STATEMENT?,
THE CORRECT "RESPONSE To *D0E5   MWOiE
HME  AMY  QUESTIONS?"
As I.N. STEIN is a copywritten cartoon, if you wish to reproduce it you must
have written permission from the artist, Ken Otter. Contact through the 432. j j SCIENCE ELECTIONS MAI*CH 8 - 10, 10:30 - 2:30
Dik Miller, Campus Cowboy (What a Guy)
It was one of those kinds of mornings
when you're really glad you live in the
Lower Mainland. The sun was just rising
over Mt. Baker and casting a coral hue
over the landscape, and a delightful
warmth caressed the ground, slowly illuminating its contours and allowing the
smell of rotting meat to pervade the air.
I opened my eyes gradually and
peered around, immediately recognizing the huge piles of decomposing garbage around me. I was obviously in the
New Westminster landfill. To my left
was the familiar bulk of my souped-up,
stripped-down, lean-mean-ticketing-
machine royal blue Chevy Bel Air, but
something was odd about it. Then I noticed that it was sitting quite nonchalantly on its roof. I stood up. My body
didn't like that and I winced. I walked
over to the car, brushing old banana
peels and paper from my back.
With close inspection, I determined
that there was nothing wrong with the
car, other than that it was sitting upside
down. I leaned over to look in through
the windshield and accidentally bumped
the front fender. The vehicle immediately started rotating slowly and
elegandy around some fulcrum in the
middle of the roof. After a couple of
rotations it slowed down and stopped
again.
I was getting a little puzzled.
I reached up and pulled down on the
bumper. The car started rocking back
and forth, up and down, about six or
seven times before it stopped. My mind
was starting to twist and cramp up in
very uncomfortable ways. How my car
had gotten into this predicament I was
not sure. In fact, how I had gotten into
this predicament I was not sure. Looking
around on the ground near the impression I had made while lymg on it, I
noticed six gin bottles. I was beginning
to suspect that something not quite kosher- something positively porcine - was
going on.
Quite unexpectedly, my newly-installed Dik Miller™ HyperCellular Car
Phone/Satellite TV Receiver/Corkscrew rang. I reached in through the open
window and picked it up.
"Dik Miller, campus cowboy," I answered.
"Miller? Where the hell are you?" It
was my supervisor.
"Er, I'm at the New Westminster
landfill, sir."
"What the hell are you doing there?"
"I'm not exactly sure, sir."
"Why the hell not?"
"I really wish you would stop saying
'hell' all the time, sir."
"Shut the hell up!"
Eager to comply, I waited.
"Well?" asked my supervisor.
"Well what, sir?"
"What the hell are you doing at the
New Westminster landfill?"
"I said I didn't know, sir."
"Well, get the hell back here!"
"Er..."
Click.
Well, I thought. This is just a nifty
situation.
I looked up at the car looming above
me, and pondered existence for a few
seconds. Then I hung the phone up and
stood up. I had, of course, forgotten that
the hood was nearby and promptly
pranged my head on it. The car started
rocking back and forth again, and on its
next "forth" it whacked me on the skull
and pummeled me into the trash at my
feet.
When I regained consciousness, my
phone was ringing again. I picked it up
(or down, I suppose).
"Dik Miller, campus cowboy."
"You're not here yet, Miller."
"I seem to have been knocked unconscious, sir."
"How the hell did that happen?"
"I don't know, sir."
"Get here now, or you're fired,
Miller."
"Yes sir."
Click.
Wonderful, I thought.
I crawled away from the vehicle and
stood up again, staring at it and trying to
figure out how to get the thi ng back on its
wheels. Suddenly, a brilliant insight
flashed like a rampaging herd of really
annoyed buffalo through my brain.
I zipped over to the nearest garbage
pile and grabbed a handful of putrid
trash, then ambled over to the car and
pitched the refuse onto the front wheels.
Almost immediately, a huge cloud of
squawking seagulls appeared from behind the nearest rubbishy monolith and
alighted on the top of one of the Miche-
lins.
Within a few seconds, the car started
creaking and leaning over. As more and
more seagulls landed and started eating
and fighting and yelling at one another,
the car leaned further and further over
until it rolled onto its side. I walked over
to it and pushed it slightly. It flopped
onto its wheels.
Quite self-satisfied, I opened the door,
got in, and started the engine. I drove out
of the compound and pulled out onto the
road, eventually winding my way into
the highway. As I roared out towards the
Grandview Highway exit, I noticed a car
by the side of the road with its hazard
lights on and a rather pathetic woman
standing dejectedly next to it. I slowed
and pulled up behind it, stopped the car,
and got out.
"Having some trouble, ma'am?" I
asked.
She ran at me and slammed her head
into my shoulder, sobbing. "Oh," she
whimpered. "I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad someone is here to help. I was
starting to panic, thinking that no one
would ever stop. Thank you, thank you,
thank you."
I was unaccustomed to such gratitude.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Drive me to the nearest phone if you
would."
I smiled. "No need. I have a phone in
my car."
"Oh." She seemed disappointed.
"That's...um...good." She didn't seem
very enthusiastic.
I led her over to my car and opened the
door for her. She sniffed the air and
grimaced.
"It smells like a Smithrite in there."
I looked at the ground sheepishly. "It
spent the night in a dump."
She looked at me oddly, but got in. I
rounded the car and got into my side.
"So," I grinned. "Where would you
like to call?"
"Actually, I don't need the phone."
I looked up to see her holding a rather
ominous gun at me.
'Take this car to Cuba," she said.
"What?"
"Isaid," she repeated, "take this car to
Cuba."
"Well, okay." I shrugged, started the
car, and drove back onto the highway.
"But you'll have to give me directions."
"Take the next exit"
"Okay." I had a plan. "Do you want to
get there quickly?"
"Yes. As quickly as possible."
I pushed the accelerator to the floor
and was answered by a thunderous roar
from the engine compartment The
speedometer climbed ever higher, eventually reaching some ridiculous speed
far in excess of anything remotely legal.
"I hope you have a good time," I said.
"Sorry?"
I pressed a hidden button on the gear
shift lever and the Dik Miller™ Rocket-
powered Ejector Seat blew part of the
roof off and sent her through the hole that
remained. I watched in the rear view
mirror as the parachute deployed and she
drifted north over Burnaby Lake.
Nobody messes with a campus cowboy on his way to work.
It wasn' t long before I was pulling into
the parking lot of Traffic and Security
HQ on Wesbrook Mall. I resolved as I
entered the building to get some Lysol
and spray the inside of my car before I
resumed patrolling duties. I reported to
the my supervisor.
"Miller! There you are! Where the hell
have you been?"
"I explained that I was at the..."
"New Westminster landfill, yes. Have
you figured out what the..."
I cleared my throat.
"...what you were doing there?" he
corrected himself.
"No, sir, but I was hijacked on the way
back here."
"Hijacked? By whom?"
I noted his proper use of "whom" and
replied, "Some woman who wanted me
to take her to Cuba."
"I see. Well, you have parking tickets
to give out, Miller. You're nowhere near
your quota."
"But sir, I've already done fifty this
week!"
"Your quota is a hundred. Get hopping, Miller."
"Yes sir." I turned to go, then stopped.
"Just out of curiosity, sir, what would
happen if no one parked illegally around
here?"
He didn't even give it a second
thought. "We'd create some new no
parking zones, Miller. What do you
expect?"
"I see, sir. I'll be leaving now."
"Good."
I turned to go-
"Oh, one more thing, Miller."
"Yes sir?"
"Fumigate yourself, will you?"
"Yes sir."
I suppose that you are expecting some
sort of fantastic revelation, some wonderful discovery, some brilliant deduction about how the woman who hijacked
me was connected to the fact that I woke
up in a landfill surrounded by gin bottles
and an upside down car.
Sorry. This is the end of the story.
Pretty anticlimactic, isn't it?
Another case closed for Dik Miller,
campus cowboy.
Something for the
Analyst in All of Us
JIM WIMBERLEY ■ BELL-
NORTHERN RESEARCH
WOMAN : CHEMICAL
ANALYSIS
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discovered by     : Adam
Atomic weight    : Expected average is
118, but there are
known isotopes
ranging from 75 to
450.
Occurrence : Surplus quantities
in all urban areas.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
a) Possesses great affinity for gold
(Au), silver (Ag), platinum (Pt),
and precious and semi-precious
stones and minerals.
b) Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left
alone with a male.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but activity
greatly increased with saturation in
ethyl alcohol.
e) Yields to pressure, if applied to
correct points.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
a) Surface usually covered in painted
film.
b) Boils at nothing, and freezes
without reason.
c) Melts if given proper treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly.
e) Found in various states, ranging
from virgin metal to common ore.
USES:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in
expensive sports cars.
b) Most powerful reducing agent of
money known.
c) Can aid in relaxation.
TESTS:
a) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if
discovered in natural state.
b) Turns bright green if placed beside a
better specimen.
CAUTIONS:
a) Highly dangerous in inexperienced
hands.
b) Illegal to possess more than one
permanent specimen.
Analysis of Man (Ma) has yet to be
performed. Any information on its
properties would be appreciated.
*** END OF ANALYSIS ***
Oh, wow, man. This, like, newspaper
is totally generated on Lucifer, our
friendly neighbourhood Macintosh
SE, with, like, the help of The Beast,
a 60MB hard drive, eh? Software is,
like, Microsoft Word and the radically nifty Aldus Pagcmakcr. Printout
was, like, on an Apple LaserWriter.
Fonts arc Times and Helvetica with a
few other things, ch? Yow.
The 432
March 7,1989 v|:SGlENCE;E
AMS Report
not by Ari Giligson
Well, another "hell meeting" (in the
words of Julie Memory) took place the
evening of March 1,1989 in the AMS
Council chambers. Starting at the usual
time of 6:30pm, the meeting lasted until
the horrifying hour of 10:30pm. Most of
the discussion centred on a few motions
having to do with money, not surprisingly.
Hai V. Le, a student in second year
Engineering, made an application to the
AMS for $250 to aid in his fund raising
for a trip to Ghana to aid in a Canadian
Crossroads International medical relief
effort. Although all Council members
were supportive of his trip, concerns
were expressed that donating the funds
to Hai would set an unhealthy precedent
for donations to individuals. After some
haranguing about whether the motion
required a simple majority or 2/3 vote to
pass (with the latter decided), the request
was defeated by one vote. Nevertheless,
Vanessa Geary, Co-ordinator of
External Affairs, passed around a cup
and Council members donated $62 of
their own money to Hai's trip.
A motion to spend $270 on two buses
to take students to and from the Thursday, March 9th education rally was defeated, with the reasoning being that
interested students should be able to find
their own way downtown on a Thursday
afternoon. The publicity budget for the
rally was increased from $150 to $200
after presentation of a very complete
budget by Vanessa.
The majority of the discussion (argument, acrimony, etc.) concerned the
Capital Projects Acquisition Committee
(CPAC) Recreation Centre Development Committee budget, and specifically the section dealing with a fact find-
ing/fundraising trip planned for the
summer which will take in such highlights of Eastern North America as Ottawa and Missoula, Montana. Eventually, after several defeated amendments
and the like, the budget was approved
unchanged.
In light of the recent Ubyssey editorial, Tim Bird withdrew his motion to
donate $200 to Bob Seeman's provincial
by-election campaign. The controversy
that would inevitably have surrounded
this issue was thus handily avoided:
A last-minute motion to move'the
second Rec,Fac referendum (necessary
because of a petition received by the
AMS Council several weeks ago) from
September to the end of March was
defeated because of logistical constraints and because of the impression
that such a referendum would have been
unfair to students just before exams.
Andrew Hicks made a report on his
impressions of the actions of the University Athletics Council, which administers $2 million in funds, and which he
considered (at least on the matter of its
budget) in very peculiar ways. Council
members (including Andrew) were
given the budget one day before it was to
be approved at a meeting which was later
cancelled. Many points on the budget,
including a $100,000 "miscellaneous"
line item, were not explained. Andrew
said he would continue to look into the
operations of the Council.
A motion came up to send a letter to
the Ubyssey editorial board urging them
to reconsider their policy, exemplified in
some recent editions of the paper, of
publishing anonymous letters to the
editor, such as those dealing with the
controversy surrounding The Satanic
Verses, but was defeated.
Positions are now open for JobLink
coordinators, the Inside UBC editor,
Budget Committee, Presidential Advisory Committees, Student Court, and for
Summer Project Coordinators. The
AMS has also opened positions on a
committee to look at the University
President's Library Committee's recommendations, made public in the last
few weeks and prepared without the
consultation of students. Application
forms are available at SUB room 238 for
all positions.
Oh yes. The Arts contingent changed
the seating arrangement for the AMS
meeting, which confused everyone.
Any comments should be left to Ari
Giligson (or whoever the new AMS Rep
is after this election) at the Science office
(Scarfe 9,228-4235) or AMS Box 148.
Thanks.
The St. Patrick's
Day Bonus Quiz
by Russ Monger
The first S L Patrick's Day was promoted
by the Boston Irish Society in 1737. To
put you in the proper spirit for this festive
day, we have prepared a St. Patrick's
Day quiz. Hint To do well in this quiz,
remember to "think green".
These are the clues:
1) The city where the football Packers
play?
2) A large island in the North Atlantic?
3) Result of consuming alcohol to
excess?
4) This signal means "Go"?
5) Consequence of the destruction of
the ozone layer?
6) Be successful in the garden?
7) A famous unit of fighting men?
8) Be consumed by jealousy?
9) A person with little or no experi
ence?
10) An environmental organization?
11) Admission price to a golf course?
12) A large happy vegetable farmer?
13) Captain Kangaroo's sidekick?
14) Slang term from dollar bills?
These are the answers:
1) Green Bay Packers
2) Greenland
3) Green around the gills
4) Green light
5) Green house effect
6) Green thumb
7) Green Berets
8) Green with envy
9) Greenhorn
10) Green peace
11) Green fees
12) Jolly Green Giant
13) Mr Greenjeans
14) Greenbacks
BIOLOGY/BOTANY/ZOOLOGY
GRADUATION   iqq
DINNER DANCE Oi?
Friday, March 17,1989 at the
VANCOUVER
AQUARIUM
3/%  FABULOUS DINNER
\\ CHEAP DRINKS
W  DANCING TILL 1AM
See Peggy in the Biology office
(2521) by Friday, March 10.
We're expecting 250 graduating students & faculty.
$
The Deadline for
the last 432 is:
March 15,1989
Submissions are always welcome
in the 432 box in Scarfe.
The 432 is published by the Science
Undergraduate Society of the University of British Columbia, located
in room 9 of the Scarfe Education
Building, 2125 Main Mall, Vancouver, B.C., Canada, V6T1W5. Phone
(604) 228-4235. © 1989 SUS Publications.
Volume 2, Number 11, published
Tuesday, March 7,1989.
Editor: Derek K. Miller
Contributors: Russ Monger, Derek
Miller, Ari Giligson, Gautam Lohia,
Johan Stroman, Yolanda Leung, Irene
Dorocicz, David Way, Todd Abiett,
Jim Wimberley, Julie Memory
Artists: Ken Otter, Adam Chong
Photographic:  Derek Miller,  Ari
Giligson
Typing: Russ Monger, Derek Miller
Layout: Derek Miller, Alistair Calder
Distribution: Russ Monger, Derek
Miller
Printed by College Printers Ltd.
Well, there's only one issue of this
paper left for the year, and then I'm
finished as editor. Unfortunately, we
don't have another editor yet. If you're
interested please contact us. Don't
forget to vote this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday from 10:30 until 2:30
in Wesbrook, Computer Science,
Woodward IRC, Chemistry 250, and
Hebb Theatre. Bring your AMS card.
ESillgg
f Hp
BIOSOC has a SKI TRIP weekend booked in the AMS WHISTLER SKI
CABIN, March 24th to 26th (Easter Weekend). The Enormous Cabin
accomodates 30 people and comes complete with a Jacuzzi, Sauna and Large
Rustic Livingroom. All Science students are welcome to sign up. Whistler is
a world-class skiing resort with awesome facilities and slopes. Get that
fantastic last ski trip in before its all over. This promises to be a super ski 'n'
party weekend! We will car pool up to Whistler Friday morning. For those
keen to ski for real, you can get a 3 Day Pass for the whole weekend. Food can
be arranged on a group basis of $5 -10 each for the weekend or you can just
hit the local spots. Sunday morning(?) we head back (except for those diehard
3 Day passers who want another day). COST of accomodation for Friday and
Saturday Night is $24. First come, first serve. In order to reserve a spot, sign
up and pay in full by Monday, March 13,4:30 pm at the SUS Office (Scarfe
Bldg., Rni 9). Please indicate if you have a car and are willing to drive.
See you there.
GtaHi m'spofts IMU We need a Director of Finance.
Contact Irene Dorocicz at Scarfs 9.
i Please please please please please ■
l    please please please please...     i
1 We Dually, rresafllly r®ally nn@@dl
I   & Dnr@(£tor ©if PuiilbDksiMcDnnSo
i
m
|   All you have to do is...well,
! edit The 432 and the summer
i
B
B
Guide, and coordinate some
other publications.
B
B
B
B
B
B
E
I
B
I
I   4re you even remotely qualified? Contact Scarfe 9.    |
]D)@r@Ik
Mim®r
(not a religion)
tor
AMS
Rep
o SUS Publications Coordinator 1987-88
o Editor of The 432,1988-89
o Member, SUS Honoraria Committee 1988
/ am not here to change the world. Effective AMS Council
representation is mypromisey and I can and will keep it.
DAVID
-  -for   -
Executive
Secretary
Secretary is not a policy-
setting role. It's the
Council flenber who writes
the Science Undergraduate
Society's sail and takes
its minutes. Whoever holds
the position aust be able
to work well with Council,
and above all mst know
what's going on in the
SUS. I have attended and
contributed to Council
meetings regularly since
October 1987; I already
know that I can work with
all ol the nomnees for
next year's Executive.
Ari
Giligson
My sole
motivation in
being SUS
President i$ to
increase Science
students'
participation In
the extracirricuiar
aspects of
university life, i
am not a political
climber, i am not
a resume stuffer.
And don't forget
to bring those
AMS cards to
vote.
PRESIDENT
My name is Julie Memory, and I am
running for the position of AMS Rep.
The job of the AMS Rep is to act as a
liason between the SUS and the AMS. This
person must be dedicated both to the AMS and
the SUS, and should know the workings of the
AMS to be able to promote Science's
interests.
During this past year as the SUS 1st
Vice President I have proven myself in all
these capacities. I have been very active
on the AMS Council and have served on many
committees. I have shown myself to be
dedicated to Science and have promoted
Science at every opportunity.
My goals are to ensure larger office
space for the SUS, to pursue AMS funds to be
used in expansion of the SUS computer
system, and to represent Science in every
capacity. To this end I have already joined
several new committees such as CPAC (the
committee in charge of building the Rec
Center).
For reliability, responsibility and an
experienced voice on Council, vote for me,
Julie Memory, for AMS Rep.
COME  OUT-AND
.VOTE   "YES"
FOR
KEITH  MCCALL
1989/90 SCIENCE UNDERGRADUATE SOCIETY
SPORTS  DIRECTOR
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VOTE WEDNESDAY THROUGH FRIDAY
March 8th through March 10th
Vote Catherine Rankel
I am committed to provide the best possible
service for science students. My experience
with the administration of the SUS and my
drive to uphoid the rights of science students
in academic matters wiii insure that you get
the most for your vote.
Infernal Vice President
SANJAY
SCIENCE i
■
■
Annual General |
■
Meeting        :
Thursday, March 16,1989    \
Biology 2000;
■
All Science students welcome, l
My name is Antonia Rozario and I'm a
third year student in the General Biology
program. For the past few years I have
tried to become more involved with different clubs and organizations and have
gained a lot of experience working with
people.
I feel UBC's Faculty of Science has
a great deal to offer its students, both
academically and socially. With your help,
I wpuld like an opportunity to contribute
my   ideas next year as
External Vice President.
I promise to work hard
and will always place
students' best interest
first in all my decision
making. I would like to
make Science the best
faculty on campus and
would welcome your support,
in the upcoming elections.!
FOR
EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Hi there! Do you believe in
subliminal messages? Anyways, I'm running for Executive Secretary SanjayParikh and
I'd like to see stronger leadership on the SUS. I hope Sanjay
Parikh to see your views truly
represented on the SUS and the
AMS so we get rid of the BS.
Vote this Sanjay Parikh Wednesday to Friday!
ANNETTE ROHR
FOR
EXTERNAL VICE PRESIDENT
En the upcoming year, S would like to improve Science social functions. Also, I
feel that we need stronger representation on AMS, since Science is the second-largest faculty on campus. 8 think
Science needs a revitalization, and E
believe that ! can accomplish this.
Please vote on March 8,9 and 10.
ELECT A VOICE THAT RQHRS FOR SCIENCE
Wesbrook, Woodward IRC, Hebb Theatre, Computer Science, Chem 250
10:30 AM - 2:30 PM. Bring your AMS card to vote, or you won't be able to SCIENCE ELECTIOIHS MARCH KwlO, 10:30-2:30
Ask Uncle Rusty
Dear UNCLE RUSTY,
In the past, my dreams have usually
not been all that spectacular but lately I
have been haunted by a reoccuring
dream that comes to me not only in a full
rainbow of colours but also accompanied by waves of screaming sound. Oh
sure, this dream starts out okay, in fact at
first it has everything I look for in a
dream, but then it begins to unfold like a
Salvatore Dali dreamscape. At night,
when I first get under the covers, I am
hesitant to fall asleep, but before long my
eyes close and I can hear harps playing
softly in the distance. I am quickly swept
over the horizon to the seashore where I
am gently caressed by a refreshing
spring breeze. I discover I am on a beach
adorned with clean white sand and sparkling clear water. I look up the beach to
my right and I notice several friendly
smiling faces and they all seem familiar.
I look closer and discover these faces
belong to every girl I have ever had the
pleasure of knowing. I glance down the
beach in the other direction and there are
about two dozen student nurses wearing
pink and white cheerleader uniforms
bounding toward me. I am also aware
that I am the only male on this beach. So
far, four stars, right?
But as they get closer I realize that
they're not really cheerleaders because
they've forgotten to takeoff their boxing
gloves and they corner me in a clinch and
now I'm on this round green boat with
these cheerleaders and they all want to
dance with me, except that it isn't really
a boat but a big old turtle, and I quickly
and quietly take off my tap shoes so I
don't wake him up. Suddenly this giant
hairy gorilla swings out of nowhere and
starts throwing coconuts and other fruit
at me and then he gets closer and he isn't
a gorilla anymore, he's Bill Vander
Zalm, only he still smells like a gorilla
and he's chasing me and hitting me on
the head with a wooden shoe, yelling,
"FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC", and I'm
running and running but I can't seem to
move. I'm stuck in some quicksand. I
realize I'm back on the same beach
again, but now the tide is coming in very
fast and I'm sinking into the sandbar. By
now I'm sunk up to my shoulders and as
I go in over my head I close my eyes so
I don't get sand in them. When I re-open
them I find I am helplessly free falling in
an elevator shaft. When finally I stop
falling, I am resting on a piano stool
inside an Otis elevator and it is stuck
between floors. I stand up on the stool
and open the emergency hatch on the
ceiling and climb out and then I am back
on the beach again only this time instead
of being surrounded by beautiful
friendly women, there is a bunch of
ZOOLOGY T-SHIRTS
- for graduating students
- for the rest of the world
This design is of the Greek mythological
beast the Chimera and represents the diversity of animal life. For the invertebra-
tologists there is a three-headed Planaria.
This stylish design has something for
everyone, so order yours by signing up
outside Biology 2000.
The shirts will be 100% cotton and the
cost is estimated to be $10.
angry naked men playing volleyball. It
is a hilarious sight and I begin, to laugh
louder and louder when along comes
Mel Gibson in a leather mask and ballet
slippers, leading Kevin Costner on a
leash.
By now I am totally caught up in this
horrible nocturnal hell and I am extremely frightened. I begin to whimper
and sob when Costner starts barking and
biting at my legs and feet so I kick him
again and again and again until I am
interupted by a noise behind me so I turn
quickly, maybe too quickly, and now I
am in a tunnel and it is dark and I am
being attacked by screeching black bats,
but soon the bats are scared off by the
thunder of a runaway speeding locomotive, and now the train is getting nearer
and nearer and its coming faster and
faster and it hits me and throws me high
into the air ... and then I am floating
through the clouds for a long, long time,
passing through many levels, and on
each level is another satisfying memory
from my happy childhood. Sofdy I
touch the ground, which is made of a
soft, pink, breastlike material mounted
on a trampoline frame. I bounce upward
faster than I had descended and I pass
through rings of cigar smoke. I pass
violently through a cloud and the rain
washes over me and I become my
mother and I am serving whiskey in tall
;Exeaitiffi
;;:Orjen:£S^
;;**§^
Pick up}a form in Comp Sd room 2(^A. Due!
^Pri^,iMarch;lC
"3033 for more informauon.^^'?^"?^^":^^^   F    ?
glasses to short men in a saloon in the old
wild West Arizona, I think; there's a
canyon—a big canyon. Indian children
shoot arrows at me and I escape by
ducking and crawling on the ground on
all fours through the swinging doors.
Once outside I find myself in front of a
TV camera doing a bleach commercial
while a young dolphin keeps trying to
put his nose in my pocket All of a
sudden it starts raining Elvis Presley
commemorative underwear and I feel
sad that the King is dead and I wake up
in tears.
I have been having this same dream
night after night for several days. I even
had it when I snuck a quick nap in my
genetics class yesterday. As much as I
would like to, I find it impossible to
forget and I think about it constantly. I
am frightened and I am quite concerned.
Do you think this dream has any signi-
fant meaning?
Sincerely,
FORTY WINKS IS 40 TOO MANY
Dear 40 WINKS,
Maybe; maybe not.
Sincerely,
UNCLE RUSTY
WANTED:
SALES MANAGER
FOR SCIENCE SALES
Interested students should
contact David Way at
Scarfe 9 (228-4235) or
228-0449 (evenings).
Experience preferred but
not essential.
iALI
BLACKS BI-UJE QUESTIONNAIRE
{Please fill out one column for every different science course you take by placing the rating number in the spaces provided. If you
; have more than one prof for a course, fill out for one prof of your choice. Please drop this off in Scarfe 9.
l=Strongly Agree
2=Mildly Agree
3=Neutral
4=Mildly Disagree
5=Strongly Disagree
1) The instructor's writing and diagrams were useful.
2) The instructor explained ideas and theories clearly.
3) The instructor made this subject interesting to me.
4) The instructor's assignments were helpful for a full
understanding of the course material.
5) I found the pace of the lectures comfortable
considering the level of difficulty of the course.
6) The instructor established office hours and / or
was available for appointments.
7) I would recommend this instructor to other students.
8) Course material was presented m a well
I     organized manner.
9) The course required a significant amount of effort
10) The course required rote memory.
11)1 would recommend this course to other students. SCIENCE ELECTIONS MARCH 8 - 10, 10:30 - 2:30
Animal Tools
by Russ Monger
In Africa, it is common to observe an
elephant grip a stick in its trunk to
scratch its back. Around the globe in
Australia, it is also common to see a
vulture seize a. stone in its beak and hurl
it at an ostrich egg. What do these
animals have in common? They are
using simple tools. You are probably
aware that higher animal such as primates engage in simple tool use, but do
you realize that this phenomenon is
widespread throughout the entire animal
kingdom?
Ethologists seldom agree in their definition of what constitutes tool use, but at
its simpest level tool use is deemed to be
the use of an article by an animal which
is not part of itself. Many animals exhibit tool using behavior. If we imagine
that the use of tools is an activity restricted to humans or to primates, we are
mistaken; this practice is not even restricted to the vertebrates, far less to the
higher mammals.
Some of the most remarkable examples of tool use occur within the
Crustaceans. Decorator crabs (Sten-
orhynchus) collect shells and sessile
organisms such as sponges and anemones and affix them to their dorsal surface
as a means of camouflage from predators. Other marine crabs (Melia) collect
small anemones from the sea floor and
brandish one at the end of each pincer. If
the crab is threatened by predators, it
directs its pincers, with anemones attached, toward the source of irritation.
The discharge of stingers by the anemones toward the threat is often enough to
discourage the intruder. In addition to
defense, any food that is ensnared by the
anemone in its own tentacles may be
taken and eaten by the crab. These crabs
appear to depend on the use of anemones
both for protection and for food gathering.
The female thread-waisted wasp
(Ammophila) often constructs a burrow
into which it places other insects' larvae
and grubs that have been paralyzed by
the wasp's sting. The wasp then lays her
own fertilized eggs in the burrow with
the larvae and seals them both in the
hole. When the wasp larvae hatch they
are provided with a food supply lasting
until the young wasp can forage for itself. At first, while the female is gathering prey with which to fill the burrow,
she temporarily seals it while she
searches for more grubs. When finally
the burrow is full, the eggs are laid and
the nest is permanently sealed with rocks
and sand. To pack the seal tightly the
wasp uses whatever object is handy, be it
a pebble or a stick, as a hammer to pound
the seal tighly shut.
If there are wasps that use hammers
then there are also ants that use plates. It
is well known that an ant is able to carry
things much larger than itself without
difficulty and without the benefit of a
strong set of muscles. The limit of what
an ant can carry is imposed by the size
and awkwardness of the object, not by
the weight of the object Harvester ants
of the Mediterranean region (Pogono-
moyrmex) locate their food, and then
scrounge a flat object such as a leaf or a
stick to use as a plate enabling the ant to
retrieve many times more food than it
otherwise could.
Although tool use is present throughout the entire animal kingdom, itreaches
its highest levels of sophistication
among the vertebrates. There are birds
that drop bombs and birds that throw
missiles from their bills with a flick of
the head. Birds will hurl missiles either
to obtain food or to protect their own
nests and young. The common Raven is
capable of throwing stones the size of a
golf balls. Egyptian Vultures (Neophron percnopterus) fling stones at the
shells of ostrich eggs that are too tough
to peck open. Most of the time, the
stones miss the target but after a few hits
the shell breaks and the vulture consumes the egg. Bald Eagles also regularly use this same method to smash
open turtles before eating.
Another extraordinary example involves the American Green Heron
(Butorides virenescens) which fishes
with bait It collects insects floating on
the water and carries them to where it has
seen a fish lurking. It drops the insect
onto the surface above a likely spot and
waits until the fish approaches the surface to take the bait, then it stabs at the
fish. Very ingenious indeed.
The Woodpecker Finch of the Galapagos Islands (Cactospiza pallida) feeds
by burrowing in trees for meaty grubs.
Lacking a woodpecker's long tongue, it
improvises by using a tool to pry out its
meal. When the finch discovers a hole
which contains insect!! it picks up a cactus spine or twig and pokes it into the
crack, poking it around until the insect
emerges, whereupon the bird drops the
twig from its beak and eats the insect.
Female Striped Owls (Rhinopytnx cla-
mator) use dry leaves to wipe food residue from their chicks. The Sandhill
Crane (Grus cacadensis) and the Pekin
Robin (Leiothrix luted) have also been
observed using leaves as towels to wipe
themselves after bathing.
Sea Otters found off the west coast of
North America (Enhydra lutris) dive for
shellfish such as abalones, mussels,
clams and crabs. Often they will use
stones to dislodge abalones from then-
moorings. The abalone is then brought
to the surface where it is eaten. When the
otter brings up a mussel it may also bring
up a flat rock, place the rock on its chest
and use it as an anvil on which to smash
the mussel shell. An otter also cracks
clams or spiny lobsters in the same way.
Since newborn otters stay close to their
mother for many weeks they have ample
opportunity to learn not only how to use
the tool, but also how to determine which
shellfish require cracking and which do
not This tool is more often used by the
very young and the very old and for
otters that have badly worn teeth. It
appears that healthy adults which possess strong teeth and jaws use tools the
least.
African and Asian elephants scratch
themselves with sticks held in their
trunks, and there is at least one report of
an African Elephant using a stick to
reach towards food it could not obtain
with its trunk. Similar accounts indicate
that elephants occasionally use small
branches as a flyswatter to drive away
swarms of annoying insects.
Polar Bears use large rocks as hammers tobreaktheicebeneathwhich they
have seen seals swimming, and they also
employ a second hunting technique.
Coming across an unguarded seal pup, a
bear may maim it and return it to the
water. Its struggling and bleeding will
bring its mother hurrying to its aid,
whereupon the bear will kill and eat the
mother who is a more adequate food
supply. This is a similar use of fishing
with bait as previously seen with the
Green Heron.
Hammers, plates, anvils and back
scratchers are but a few examples of
simple tool use employed by different
animals in their everyday struggle for
survival. This use of tools may not be
absolutely necessary for their survival
but their use certainly does make things
a little easier.
On This Date...
by Russ Monger
March 10 1876 - Alexander Graham
Bell secures his place in history as he
transmits the first clear and distinct telephone message. His first words, "Come
here Watson, I want you", are directed at
his assistant Thomas A. Watson. Bell is
later forced to start his own company
because Western Union was
unimpressed by his invention, dismissing it as a toy.
March 131925 - The governor of Tennessee signs into law a bill making it
unlawful for any teacher in any of the
state's universities or other public
schools, to teach any theory that denies
the story of the divine creation of Man as
taught in the Bible. (This was to forestall
the teaching of evolution, the theory that
Man has descended from a lower order
of animals).
March 21 1843 - Thousands of North
Americans are panic-stricken all day as
they await the end of the world as pre-
dicted by William
Miller, a preacher in
Pittfield, Massachusetts. By the
next day, everyone
sighed and concluded that the
world would continue its existence
for a while.
A (Single) Letter
Dear Mr. Editor,
I'm a seven year old kid with a rare
deadly disease. It's hard, but I try to
smile a lot and pretend to be brave. It
would really be great if you could grant
me a last wish or two. I would really love
to see Disneyland at least once before I
croak. Or maybe Disney World down in
Florida. I wouldn't visiting Hawaii just
once, either. Also, it would be great to be
in a movie with Burt Reynolds or cut an
album with Bruce Springsteen. It would
be nice to have lunch with Mario
Lemieux or Wayne Gretzky. I'd like to
ride on a real submarine too, and also a
cruise ship. Also I could use about a
dozen new video games. Do you think
you could take me to visit the North
Pole? It sure would be fun to ride in a
spaceship around the Earth a couple of
times and maybe steer for awhile or
maybe even better to talk to a Russian
cosmonaut How about taking me to Sea
World or West Edmonton Mall? Do you
think Lord Anderson would mind visiting me in the hospital? How about Dolly
Parton? I would love to sit in the dugout
of the Baltimore Orioles. Could I meet
Prime Minister Mulroney? It would be
nice to have a street named after me, or
maybe a school. Can I get my picture on
a postage stamp after I'm gone?
Jeffie Shantz
Age 7
Where did you get the idea that the 432
has a budget surplus? - Ed.
EDUCATION
RALLY!
Thursday, March 9.
1:30PM at the Vancouver
Art Gallery Fountain
Special guests:
DOA
i£$k£i
UM
DON'T Pmv
Dice waH
AVAILA&UTY..
0Rv9?   MOW '■
aosr*tst*,j
'^  fe'iuia-
Wh'fbt, Btonde., B.'t»«*i, Moh^w-,'Vi.'iwo
Ckemjj&ny Mix, Rob.vOr Eft, {.ikt,
Corrnlj Red, bttoiM Sato l&tfw Slus!^
flrswge i AM   poss,J>ty 0^Ur%...        '
The 432
March 7,1989 SCIENCE ELECTIONS MARCH 8 - 10,10:30 - 2:30
M
/AL
Year end
clearance
sale
iilsek   top   m   i ig o © im © ©
© 1 mi b 8 n§   if ©o*
@ p [H im g   eiinidl   itiin^o
Windbreakers $35
Cardigans $30
Sweatshirts (4 colour)     $15
Sweatpants $18
All T-shirts $ 7
Real Rugby Shirts $15
Small Melton Jackets      $10 !
Last
m
mt
oero
mb 13=31
a and ©f fa
Package Deal!
|8ip95:
t sweatshirt or sweatpants
1 T-shirt of any design
all for $50 (regular price $68)
The first 20 customers get a free
Science Undergrad Drinking Society (S.U.D.S.) mug, Science UBC
|rei|$ndacarw
1   March i$'$i or while supplies last.
WANTED
Science Cyclists,
Swimmers, and
Runners
for Storm the Wall
(March 12-17)
We will be putting in competitive
and non-competitive teams.
Register by March 10 in Scarfe 9
or the Intramurals Office.
Graduating?
The Annual General Meeting of all
graduating students is taking place on
Friday, March 10
at
11:30 A.M.
in the
S.U.B. Ballroom
Voting will take place on Grad Class
gifts and other grad news will be given.
This is important! Be there!
The 432
March 7,1989

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