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The 432 Nov 29, 1989

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 M
The
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CiUvk^**^^
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The Newspaper of the Science Undergraduate Society
Volume, 3, 9%mbtr 7    V^T, 9^^S^!AT%%JO%^CI^HC<^ S(TU(D'E9^TS  "Hgvzmbtr 29,1989
The Science Behind Santa Claus
(?
by David New and Aaron Drake
Most readers will be familiar with the reported evidence on the Santa Claus phenomenon: A pudgy gentleman dressed in
red and bearing a sack travels by animal-
driven sleigh around the world each
December 24th, delivering presents to
each of the billion-odd children currently
in existence. He subsists on an inordinate
amount of Oreos and milk, and returns to
far above the Arctic Circle to manufacture another year's worth of supplies.
How can this be accomplished?
The details seem completely incompatible with observed scientific reality. But
The 432's intrepid team of staff reporters
has compiled this intensive report, showing that far from being a scientific impossibility, Santa Claus in fact operates
exclusively within known theoretical
principles, although at a much higher
technological level.
At press time, our letters to Claus
and his wife Eleanor (North Pole, District
of Franklin, Northwest Territories, HOH
OHO; the street address for personal correspondence is harder to come by) had
not yet resulted in a telephone interview,
but hopes are high.
The night of December 24th is some
fifteen hours long, being just three days
after the winter solstice. But after time
zones are considered, the total time during which Claus journeys annually is
found to be thirty-eight hours — from
4:30 pm in Fiji to 7:30 am in Hawaii. This
eases matters significantly.
One still might think it difficult to travel
around the world, stopping every few
houses, in a mere thirty-eight hours, and
one would be correct. Claus exploits
special relativity: next to no time is spent
in transit.
What propulsion system does Claus
use to achieve such acceleration? Surely
the accounts of ruminant towing are
spurious. Eight arctic mammals could
certainly not account for relativistic velocities.
Additionally, one would ask exactly
how eight reindeer towing a large fat
man, his sleigh, and enough toys for every
single child (excepting the bad ones) in
the world, or at least in modern western
countries, might be able to fly through the
air. Numerous studies have shown that
reindeer do not have w ings, Even if they
did, they would need a collective wing
area of twelve acres. How do reindeer
fly?
The truth is, reindeer, don't fly. They
float Their bones are hollow and filled
with hydrogen, giving them a natural
buoyancy. Only the ingestion of large
quantities of water or snow (hence their
north pole location) can the reindeers be
heavy enough to stay on the ground.
Thus, on the twelve days before Christmas, Santa dehydrates the reindeer until
they can float.
Actually, of course, the number of reindeer is nine. Rudolph's position at the
front of the team, unpaired, serves a greater
function than merely a night-light. His
nose acts as the heat dissipation system
for the circuit, broadcasting in all wavelengths but most noticeably in the energetic infrared. This emission of intense
radiation from the nose is termed nasal
bioluminescence.
The intense heat produced is a result of
the fusion processes inside the reindeer
bodies. The hydrogen in the bones seep
into the stomach where they fuse together to form helium. The intensely
energetic helium particles are ejected
from the body (the scientific term is
nuclear flatulence) and this gives the reindeer their propulsion, accelerating the
sled to relativistic speeds.
Of course, the reindeer are fluffing out
helium nuclei at high rates. Helium nuclei is alpha radiation. Santa is situated
right behind the reindeer, and so he must
protect himself against the high dosages
bling a waveguide (ieachimney)wherein
the de Broglie wave representing Santa is
guided up the chimney to the top.
The enigma of Santa is not in his distribution and delivery system, though. The
enigma of Santa is in his information
retrieval system. Not only must Santa
receive and sort through millions of letters each year, he must assign specific
toys unique to each child. On top of that,
Santa must keep a continuous 24 hour
observation of each child to determine
who is being good and who is being bad.
His methods, sadly, are a trade secret, but
some routines have been discovered. For
families with multiple children, a parent
is monitored instead of the child, and is
observed for undue stress, irritation, or
verbal slips wherein the parent reveals
that their little angel is really a brat. The
monitoring seems to be done by the many
elves of Santa, in the ten months before
Christmas. It seems, therefore, that at the
time that Santa's elves are busy building
toys in the short time before Christmas,
children are free to wreak havoc, and still
be considered good bovs and pit-is.
of radiation. This is why he wears his suit.
It is more functional than aesthetic. Santa
is not fat; his great swarthyness is due to
lead shielding surrounding his body.
A theorem, proved in 1987, states that
any two topologically identical items can
be sliced into a finite number of pieces,
and reassembled into each other — a
cube into a sphere of equal volume, an
icosahedron into either, even a cube into
a double-cube, of double the original
volume! This counterintuitive result is
the basis for Claus' sack, wherein, the
topology of the inside of the sack is similar to that of a Mikkorski bottle, which
allows for topological violations. Hence,
due to the extreme curvature of the space-
time inside the sack, the volume is much
greater than the surface area. Therefore,
Santa can fit enormous amounts of toy s in
his sack.
Let us now turn to the phenomena of
chimney travel:
The soot molecule was recently isolated from a SUB cafeteria donut It was
only then that the process of "a wink and
a nod and up the chimney he goes" was
understood. When Santa lays a finger
aside his nose, he is, in fact, snorting soot.
This gives him the quality to quantum
tunnel in various situations, most predominantly in a manifold space resem-
North Pole
Dispute Spells
Trouble For
Santa
by Aaron Drake
The Hague - A sovereignty dispute
threatens the serenity of Claus Enterprises, better known as Santa Claus at the
North Pole. Both Denmark and Canada
claim that the North Pole is part of their
territories. If the case, which is currently
before International Court, is resolved, it
could cause the opening of a legal can of
worms.
For decades, Claus Enterprises has
produced copies of patented toys, with
complete disregard for the companies.
Toys like Cabbage Patch dolls are produced en masse and delivered free of
charge to good little boys and girls all
across the world. The real toy companies
have protested for years that they are
losing substantive profits due to this practise, yet Claus Enterprises has been untouchable. It has, to date, been considered in no country in which they could be
sued.
If Canada or Denmark wins control of
Highlights
Do you know
how to spot
keeners?
Wild Campus
Page?
THE ALIENS
ARE COMING!
ARE COMING!
PAGE 6
*Vs
Jf
the north pole, it would mean hundreds of
millions of dollars in taxes on elve's
wages. As it is, there is no figures on the
wages paid, but it must be substantive.
Labour groups, however, do not believe any wage guidelines are being followed. It is suspected that the elves are
receiving much less than minimum wage,
in what has been termed "Christmas
Sweat Shops."
Labour trouble is not the only problem
facing Claus Enterprises if they enter
into a confederation. According to the
laws of either land, they would be breaking the law by monitoring children
across the world. This invasion of privacy is considered criminal trespass, and
in violation of the basic human right to be
free from spying. If that wasn't enough,
Santa could be charged with approximately two hundred million separate
break and enters in homes across the
world on Christmas eve.
Yet all these potential problems fade in
the face of a massive tax audit and police
investigation into Claus's income. As it
stands, Claus Enterprises gives away over
seven billion dollars of goods every
Christmas. Where the capital comes from
is not known, and legal eagles are circling, waiting to move in for the kill. In
the halls of justice there is but one thing
whispered about Santa: Drug Kingpin.
The 432
November 29,1989
MaiTpjp^ N<$w W®mir Editor's
Comment
Some of the fondest memories of my
maladjusted childhood are of Saturday
mornings in front of the TV set. The
only cartoon back then, and today, for
that matter, worth a fat rat's haunch,
was Bugs Bunny. God, nowadays,
we've got My Little Pony, and She-Ra
and all that commercialized Madison
Avenue effluent. The stories mean
nothing. It's the commercials that count
now. But I'm off on an arm-waving
tangent. I want to get back to my
fondest memories.
I'd be out of bed, wide-awake, at six
in the morning, come bounding down
the stairs like it's the running of the
bulls and sit myself in front of the set
for the next six hours. I'd start with the
Scooby Doo, and end at 12:30 with Fat
Albert. In that time, I'd go through a
box of Alpha Bits, half of it winding up
on the rug in a neat litde circle around
my bowl.
But I'm STILL digressing. The best
part was at 9:30 when the Bugs Bunny
Road Runner Hour came on. Sometimes, dad would get up about then and
come out and watch some of it with us,
but he'd only watch the Coyote chase
the Road Runner. There I'd be,
sprawled on the shag carpet, coming
down off of a sugar high, and my dad
would be in jeans with no shirt, standing, laughing like the Coyote was the
funniest thing on earth.
But I hated the Coyote. It was the
only thing on The BBRRH that I
disliked. I couldn't figure out why he
thought it was funny but / didn't. So I'd
pretend to like it, even when he wasn't
around.
I'm older now, and I'm wiser and
bigger, and I don't spill half as much
Alpha Bits as I did. And I still don't
like the Coyote.
Really. The Coyote is deranged. Any
number of shrinks would have committed him by now. The guy's an obsessive compulsive. Why else does he risk
life and limb to catch the road runner?
Listen, Wile E: order a pizza. There's
no meat on that bird, anyway.
That road runner isn't exactly playing
with a full deck, either. He should be
locked up too. He won't give the
coyote any peace. How many times
have you seen the coyote, stressed out,
by the side of the cliff, waiting with a
rocket sled or something for the road
runner to run by on the road below
(usually about six thousand feet below
- what desert are they in, anyway?), and
the road runner sneaks up behind the
poor coyote, goes "BEEP BEEP!" and
the coyote jumps in total shock over the
side of the cliff? That's sadistic, the
bird loves all the attention. He revels in
the poor coyote's plight.
I hated that bird. I used to fantasize at
night about helping the coyote catch
that crazy road runner. And there was
no fooling around on my part either. I
mean, how can Wile E. Coyote call
himself a super-genius when he doesn't
even comprehend the fact that if you
jump up and down on the top of a large
safe to try and make it fall, you're
going to fall with it? So, in my fantasies, I'd set him straight, mainly by
drawing up sophisticated airstrike plans
wherein the Road Runner is napalmed
by an F-16. My mistake, of course.
Being a child, I didn't know that Road
Runner have only three natural enemies: falling grand pianos, giant Road
Runner Killing Robots, and the
standby generic cartoon device, TNT.
What kind of job does the coyote
have anyway? It's obviously not in the
service industry, because this takes
place in a desert where the only
inhabitants are the coyote and the road
runner, save for the occassional truck
or traind that runs over the coyote. I aks
this because I've always wondered
exactly where he gets the money to pay
for all the stuff he buys from ACME. A
friend suggested that he intercepts
retired pensioners deriving through the
desert on their way to Florida. In the
back of Wile E's cave is about six
dozen RVs. Someone else suggested
that he's a sales rep for ACME, and
they keep sending him demo material,
but that makes no sense. Who does he
sell to? The road runner. Someone else
thinks he's livng off an inheritance, but
how did his father get all that money? I
personally think that Wile E. Coyote is
the owner and president of ACME.
That's right, he's an eccentric tycoon,
not unlike Howard Hughes.
Why doesn't Wile E. buy a good 12-
gauge shotgun? Probably because
ACME doesn'Usell one,
r
%Sk**"
That's it. From me and all the gang
at SUS, Th-th-tb-that's all folks.
Christmas is here, exams are here,
and this is the last issure of the
year. Wait a sec. This is the last
issue of the decade. Is that significant or what? I'm getting all choked
up. Good on ya to all that helped
out. Sooner or later ITmgonna bait
the people out there that I've been
trying to bait. Oops, gave myself
away. Merry Christmas.
This was originally submitted for
Questions For Dan Quayle. It isn't
exactly in the spirit of that piece,
but it was too good to leave out.
What's this "imaginary number" business? Most of us have enough trouble
with real numbers. Now you tell me that
nothing times nothing equals something.
Isn't this the same as saying nothing plus
another number of nothings equals something? This can be refined further to: you
can get something from nothing! Huh!
Is calculus a form of birth control?
Since Isaac Newton invented calculus
and all sorts of wonderful ideas, people
have been trying to emulate him. Many
people thing that Newton was the greatest thinker of all times and wish that they
could be more like him. One catch, guys,
Newton died a virgin! How can you believe a man who tells you how the universe works, but doesn't know how his
own body works?
Brian Erb
Science 1
Newton was a mathematician.
No wonder he died a virgin.
Law of Hydrodynamics: When
the body is immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.
This, along with two other I. N.Steins in this paper are reprints.
Please let us explain why I.N. Stein is not on the front page. It really
isn't our fault. Ken Otter was hit by a meteor while jogging naked
with Immelda Marcos on the Bay Bridge. We think. Okay, we're
making it up. Ken didn't submit anything this week, and we're all
very worried. We've notified the local authorities. Ken? If you're
reading this, then please keep hope. We all want you to come home.
Scott thinks you're just in some drug indiced haze right now, but
we know better. It's probably alcohol. Come home, Ken. We miss
you. Supper's getting cold. You owe me money.
The 432
Okay. Okay. Um, am, um..,X)kay. This
is a, am, a....wnat?what?- a Macintosh
SE caHed,uh, Lucifer! Right. Okay,
uh„.I think we have a...oooh! oooh! I
know this one! Wait^don't tell met It's
a„a.„It*s a Beast? I mean, it's a Beast!
YeaM A 60MB hard drive. I got it.
Yes! This is the 432. That's the way it
was -huh? Not yet. Oh. Okay.
SUS
do Dean of Science
Room 1507, BioSciences Bidg,
University of British Columbia
Vancouver B.C,
V6T1W5
That's the way it was, Volume 3, Issue
6i Wednesday, November 29
Editor: Aaron C. Drake
Writers (and contributors): David
"Gats" New, Tanya "Guts" Rose,
Devan "Guts'* Fauste, Aaron "Guts"
Drake, Ari "Gats" Giligson, Orvin
"Guts"Lau, Etmb&tb~"Guts''~Attne
"Gats" Brown, Derek "Guts" Miller,
David "Guts" Faik, Morgan "Guts"
Burke, Patrick "Guts" Redding, Tim
"Guts" Lam, Kurt "Guts'* Preinsberg,
Brian "Guts" Erb, Scott "guts11 Davidson
Artists: Ken "Fingers" Otter, Aaron
"Fingers" Drake, Clement "Fingers"
Fung, C, "Fingers* Quan
tayout/Pasteup/Proofreeding:
Elizabeth-Anne "Crazy Horse" Brown,
Aaron "Quiet Waters" Drake, Derek
"Coyote In Heat" Miller
Printed by College Printers
That's it for this year kids. Thanks and
all that melancholy stuff. Everybody
get out of my house and go sing
Christmas carols. Because it's the
season to be jolly after you finish your
exams. Oops, did I say something
wrong? How 'bout this: The 432
recognizes no sovereign king, but
instead quietly jams about campus,
sponsored by the wonnnndcrfull SUS
and all mat. You've heard it before. AH
material is copyrighted in the name of
the author, or else in the name of Aaron
Drake. Rock and roll. Next year we'l
need you all to come in and say
something funny or controversial.
Otherwise, God is gonna call me home.
Does anyone read this stuff? If you
read this far, come in and tell me, and
Til buy you a beer. There's over four
grand of you out there. Doesn't anyone
realize the clout you have, as one
unified voice. Boy, if everyone ordered
pizza all at once...
c   !989,The432
Bo fto Ho, Merry Christmas, Good Luck io you all cm
your exams. Thanks to Don for his enthusiastic input for
Dan Ojioyie. Bono, (he Quayle would tie promt at you.
Tfttu4*Xo eveiyOrteJof wacKrtfcThi* ye«r'*432,
hOrJefuay, tte» #«s*of- will be better. But that'* up 10 you
Bafe-peeple- owThws, Ttaoks to ail the ttymphoes of the
WH&. t think. W«» axe you alt ttding. Thank you
George Harrison, (hews'? something jn the way you
moved me, Thank, you .Paul McCArtney, next time buy
yoarpotwhen your W Japan, okay? Thari youKingo
Stait fat Jiotcomfeg over wfny place and sal ging,
because GOO do you-havo a y<w* that'* worse than a
t*i pig fcrfSng. Ttetk ytxn fatso Utmon for nwwying
Yoko Ono an<£ saving someoneelse ftopUhe fate.
November 29,1999 Dik Miller, Campus
Cowboy
(Continued from November 15)
Let me get one thing perfectly
straight: jail sucks. Especially when
you haven't been tried yet, you were
framed, and really have very little
idea as to what's going on. I was
sitting, quite disconsolately, on a bare
metal bench, staring listlessly through
the iron bars at the guards beyond.
"What are you in for?" I asked one
of the men interned with me.
"Smuggling," he replied snappily.
"Oh? Smuggling what?"
"Jumbo jets."
"Hmm. Er, how do you smuggle a
jumbo jet?" I feared the reply.
"Very carefully."
My worst fears were confirmed:
this man was not only a smuggler, but
an amateur comedian. I turned my
attention to another cell mate.
"How about you?" I inquired.
"Drugs."
"Oh." I didn't want him to get into
grisly details.
"I was a pharmacist at Save On
Foods and Drugs, and someone discovered that I never got a degree in
Pharmacy. I'm so ashamed."
And so you should be, I thought.
Of all the things to pretend to be, who
would be dull enough to impersonate
a pharmacist? "That's too bad," I
said, not very convincingly.
Somone else piped up. (Hey, there
were a lot of people in this jail cell,
okay?) "You keep asking all of these
questions. What are you in for?
"Seshwl rismnt," I coughed into
my hand.
"What was that? Szechuan raisins?"
"Seshwl rismnt," I mumbled.
"Seashell-rinsed mints?"
"Sexual harrassment," I said quietly.
There was a loud rumbling and
scuffling of feet as everyone immediately shifted over to the far side of the
room. "Hey, man," said one. "I 'm not
sitting next to a perv."
Great, I thought. Just great. I go
into the Pit to buy a burger, some
woman accosts me and then accuses
me of sexual harrassment, and now
I've just alienated the residents of
psycho central. What a pain.
"Miller," announced a guard with
a clipboard as he came striding up to
the gate in the cocky way that only
people who are separated from you
by impenetrable iron bars can do.
"That's him," said one of the internees. "He's the sicko pervert slime-
bag who pawed that innocent young
thing."
"You don't even know anything
about it!" I protested;
"I'drathernot/'he barked. "Iknow
what kind of things you creeps are
into and, frankly, the whole thought
The 432
of it makes me want to vomit."
"How nice for you," I sneered.
"Pipe down!" shouted the guard.
"It says here, Miller, that the woman
who had you arrested has dropped all
charges. You are, as they say, free to
go."
"No! No! He's guilty, I tell you!"
cried the ersatz pharmacist.
"Fry him! Give him the chair!"
railed the jet smuggler.
The guard ignored them and
opened the gate. "Your personal belongings are at the front desk. Consider yourself lucky, Mr. Miller."
"I hope you get hit by a street
sweeper!" yelled one of the jail occupants. Then they all began chanting
"Die! Die! Die! Die!" as I left the
room.
I was in a bit of a tizzy and the
chant was still echoing in my head
hours later when I drove up to the
Traffic and Security HQ on Wes-
brook Mall. As I drove, "Die! Die!
Die!" had been warped by my mind
into various odd combinations, but it
wouldn't go away. Now I was hearing "Rye! Rye! Rye!" as I parked the
souped-up, stripped-down, lean-
mean-no-I'm-not-a-criminal-ma-
chine royal blue Chevy Bel Air.
I stumbled in the front door and
nearly fell over my supervisor, who
was bent down, squinting at the floor.
"Hello, sir," I said. "What are you
doing?"
"Looking for my contact lens."
"Oh, I'll help." I began walking
about the room, and within seconds
there was a loud pop beneath one of
my feet.
"Nicely done, Miller. By the way,
you're fired."
"What?! For breaking your contact lens?" I was aghast.
"No." He shook his head. "In the
past month you have incited an environmentalist riot on campus, gotten
yourself in hospital, caused a police
investigation of ozone depletion in
the Chemistry building, and had
yourself tossed in jail on sexual harrassment charges. You're too much
trouble. Leave me your keys and
uniform and get out. And scrape that
contact off your shoe. I need it to get
my insurance for a new one."
I looked at him blankly.
Let me get one thing perfectly
straight: life sucks too.
A very happy season's greeting to
the big Dik. Hey bud, I hope
Santa leaves you some donuts.
Maybe a v/alkie-talkie or two.
Dik Miller is written by Derek
Miller. Dik Miller„,Derek Miller.
DIK Milbr,.J>EREK Miller,
Hr&mtiim, I^mme try this again,
only slower: DUC-DEREK,
AhabJ Therc'fcalnfchere Jswear,
"If you're not confused, your not
paying attention."
Wall Street Week
is looking for 2
fourth year reps and X
tions will be by appointment (you don't have to
^ampaign~you get in automatically) by the SUS
council
For Details, call SUS
(Chem 160) 22S -4235.
lYawn
The SUS is revising
its constitution
Anyone interested can
see the revisions in the
SUS office.
Contact Ari if you have
any constitutional suggestions or if you just
feel like dressing up in
black underwear and
discussing Chaucer.
V	
The Back Row
by Elizabeth-Anne Brown
The process of marking. It seems to be a
highly random process requiring creativity and ingenuity. This fact reared its
ugly head most recently when my English proffessor explained his highly developed scoring system to the class a little
over two weeks ago. I'm still trying to
figure it out.
It seems that there is an alphabetical basis
to his method of evaluating student's
work. This system appears to be very
simple on the surface but it does have
some very complicated twists. Everything seemed just wonderful when he
stood up and proclaimed that the letter
grade letter grade "A" on a student's
essay implied that the student had done a
"slightly better than satisfactory" job on
the essay. He then proceeded to assign a
numerical value of 120/150 to this letter
grade. This is in fact reasonable I suppose; however, it confirmed my suspicion that it was not possible to obtain a
score higher than 120/150.
Next, a category of rather vague "B's"
was introduced. This category appeared
to have onbly three sub-categories: B+,
B,B-(correspondingto 115,110, and98
out of a possible 150 points). The other
categories, utilizing the letters C, D, and
F were presented in a similar matter. No
real surprise here.
It wasn't until the introduction of the
famous "subjective trio": +, -, and/, that
I decided that this was getting silly. In
this course it is entirely possible to earn a
score of B—(+). Now what does that
mean? How does the number 101.5/150
sound? Well actually this number has to
be divided by 2 because this is a 1.5 uni
English course. I laughed when I wa^
told. I couldn't help myself.
What is wrong with using numbers? Mos
of the university community has beer
using them with some success for quite
some time now. At the risk of becom
ming the class scapegoat for the rest o
the term, I suggested a numerical ap
preach to this marking system, and havi
now foolishly singled myself out as th^
only Science student in the entire class
This could have devastating ramifica
tions.
Seriously though, wouldn't it be easier tc
toss all of the essays onto a busy highwa}
and grade the papers according to th<
brand of tire print? An
"A" would mean that the student's essajj
was run over by a new set of Pirelli's anq
a bald print would indicate an "F\ Oh
and in case you were wondering, a grad^
of 50.75/75 would be a 50% worn Miche
lin print with a dead Maple leaf stuck td
the paper. (The paper has to be ripped irj
hallfofcourse.it'sa 1.5unitcourse). Thi:
system would be a lot easier to interpret]
Give me a break.
Elisabeth-Anne is sore ate her
profs* Merry Christtna^ E-A*
I'm gibing to boy you a lump of
coal for Christmas. Whaf*s that?
Yoa already expect &at from
-Santa. Ob. fridge JH juslgctyou
« fried HastrrJ sundae, then. Ho
Mo Bex Seriously, thanks for
Mpingpms aothe Jas$432"s0f
this decade,
November 29,1989 That's Trivial
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! Last issue, we had
something on BC, so let's try and
bring this one a little closer to
home. Good Luck!
Theme: Vancouver/Lower Mainland
l-10:Easy
1. What is the island under
Richmond?
2. What's the longest street in Vancouver?
3. What Vancouver beach was
listed by Lifestyles of the Rich and
Famous as being in the world's top
ten?
4. Where is the provincial park
nearest to Vancouver?
5. What is the current vacancy rate
in Vancouver?
6. What is the tallest building in
Vancouver?
7. Where is the mermaid statue in
Vancouver?
8. Which city has the highest millionaire density in Canada?
9. What were the original colours
of the Vancouver Canucks?
10. How many white pages are
there in the Vancouver Phone
book?
11-15: Medium
11. Who bought Vancouver's fire-
boat?
12. What was the first town in
B.C.?
13. What famous ship sunk where
the Lion's Gate Bridge is now?
14. What was the first capital of
B.C.?
15. What famous captain was
Captain Vancouver a midshipman
for?
16-20: Hard
16. What was Point Grey originally called?
17. What were Sheba's Pups?
18. Who was the first European to
set foot in the lower mainland?
19. What was the first industry in
what is now Vancouver?
20. Who was Tillicum?
Bonus Question:
This infamous indian lived near
Siwash Rock, in the late 1800's.
He was rumoured to have killed
over a dozen prospectors. What
was his name?
Answers on page 8
The 432
ComminHAri
by Ari Giligson, SUS President
Friday Night November 16th, about 200
of us got together in SUB Ballroom, did
some dancing, did some drinking and
mosdy had a good time. By all reports,
theband(XYZ)wasgoodandmost people
enjoyed themselves (Except perhaps Yen
-Next time getthere earlier than 11:48pm,
Yen.)
Yet, I was not totally satisfied.
It was not for the lack of 70 people
required to break even that made me
unhappy. After all, the crowd still managed to reach critical mass. But, when I
considered that only 5% of our entire
undergrad society thought it worth a paltry $5 to show up, I was dissatisfied. To
those of you who were there I thank you
for realizing the value of social events in
the students life and also for keeping the
party going even with a modest crowd of
200 people (Special thanks to Shery 1 from
Biochem who got people out on the
dancefloor).
Did the rest of you feel that your
fellow Science students were not worth
socializing with? Did you feel that you
couldn't spare four hours from your valuable schedule to loosen up and relax? My
strong opinion is that every one of you
should come out to at least one SUS
social event this year (This Bachelor's
degree!). For those of you who had 30-
page papers due on Monday, I sympathize - but only so long as you spent
Friday night working on them.
And now that you feel deeply
guilty and ashamed, here is your chance
to redeem yourselves: The SUS has been
challenged by the other Undergrad
Societies on campus to raise food and
donations for the Vancouver Food
Bank. Bring non-perishable food to either: The SUS Office (Chem 160) or to
your local Sc ience Club office or look for
drop boxes in SCIENCE Buildings. Any
cash donations go straight to SUS Execs
only. Hurry! The challenge ends on Dec.
1 - and the final count will be in SUB
concourse. So bring your food tomorrow
-itwon'tgo on your resumes but you will
help some people in Vancouver who are
less fortunate than us.
So once again, Thanks:
To all of those who made the dance possible;
All who came Friday noon to help lug the
band's stuff upstairs;
To those who stayed till 2am. to help lug
the band's stuff downstairs;
To the Microbi Club for doing security
and to the members of Physsoc who
worked the bar;
And a special thanks to Antonia Rozario
who had a term paper due the day before
the dance, yet managed to co-ordinate the
entire function.
Good Luck on Exams (I know I could use
some) - See you next year.
Merry Christmas, Ari, ya big Lug,
youJfyoudont make itintoMed
School, I hope you realize your
other life's vision: a guard for
Boston Celtics. Otherwise, yotfil
probably end up as one of
thosepeople who wear two differ
eutsneakers* and hold tin cups out
forsparechange Ju$tkiddirt& Sort
of.
A Scientist's
Responsibility
Part II
by Kurt Preinsperg
Principleof Scientific Responsibility: "If,
in your role as a scientist you function as a link
in the casual chain leading to harm, then you
are morally responsible to the extent that you
have the capacity for refusing cooperation."
Could and should scientists accept such a
principle?
A scientist may respond: "But surely,
there's no special duty for scientists to be
better than the law requires us to be."
It is, unfortunately, a myth that the net of
the law covers all cases of serious irresponsibility. In a corrupt society the state of the law
reflects this corruption, and moral obligations
may exist where there are no corresponding
legal obligations. Accepted social roles - that
is, completely legal and well-paying jobs -
may be utterly indefensible from a moral
viewpoint. A large proportion of jobs in our
society today arguably involve immoral aspects, and jobs in science are no exception.
The best way to tell if something is morally irresponsible is not to rely on lawyers and
lawbooks, but rather to ask oneself some
searching questions: Would I want to see
others, in similar circumstances, act in this
way? Would I want other people to treat me as
I'm treating them? Can I foresee human un-
happiness as a result of my actions? Honest
answers to such questions are the stuff moral
responsibility is made of.
And because of the terrifying power of
science and technology to shape everyone's
life, scientists do have a special duty to prevent potential harm arising from their work.
The world would be a considerably better
habitat for human beings if, for example,
scientists refused to develop projects which
incorporate planned obsolescence, if engineers would rather quit their jobs than omit
important safety features in cars or airplanes,
or if both scientists and engineers refused to
cooperate in the development of diabolical
weapons systems.
"But," scientists will continue, "as a rule
we can't predict the ways in which scientific
findings may later be used for good or evil, or
what long-term impact they may have on
society at large."
It seems to me that many, or even most,
disastrous consequences and evil applications
of scientific findings can be foreseen at some
stage, possibly at a very late stage when part
of the harm has already occurred. It is never
too late for a responsible scientist to refuse
cooperation, and blatantly immoral to argue,
as military scientists sometimes do, that because the arms race is already out of control,
refusing to cooperate would be pointless.
But adopting the Principle of Scientific
Responsibility would clearly not be a panacea. The large-scale, long-term impact of scientific research on the world as a whole is
largely beyond the intellectual grasp of the
individual scientist and requires discussion in
the political forums as well as radical measures - such as, for example, a general redirecting and possibly slowing down of scientific
research.
The scientist may continue his or her defense: "If there's a misallocation of resources
in our society - institutionalized evils like
excessive military spending - it's up to voters
and politicians to correct the situation. Of
course, I 'd much rather live in a world without
nuclear weapons, planned obsolescence or
environmental destruction, but all these things
can be justified in terms of national self-
defense, the profit needs of business or the
need for economic growth."
In general, allocation of resources is a
political matter, but in many cases - military
spending is a perfect case in point - the power
of vested interests has grown so immense that
most political leaders succumb to them. It is
the height of hypocrisy when the same scientists who, via their entrenched interest group,
pressure the government into funding military
projects, reproach the government for misallocation of resources.
Even in many other cases a scientist is
often in a position to call misallocations to the
attention of voters and politicians. It is a
pernicious thesis that responsibility for bad
decisions rests entirely with the people at the
top of a hierarchy, such as the board of management or governments.Thealtemative thesis
I would defend is that responsibility is always
distributed along a chain of command in such
a way that everyone shares in it to the extent
that that person is conscious of the potential
harm and capable of refusing cooperation.
Although I do not believe in a moral reality analogous to the physical reality scientists
study, harmonious social cooperation for
mutual adv antage requires agreement on principles of cooperative behaviour - in other
words, a morality. The course of historical
events often creates the need to reform or
refine old-fashioned moral principles. We have
i reached a point in history, I believe, when the
old principles governing scientific practice
are clearly inadequate.
The Principle of the Division of Moral
Labour - that the business of scientists is
simply to create knowledge and not to worry
about the harmful applications of this knowledge - has made scientists into servants of
commercialism and militarism and brought
humanity to the brink of self-annihilation. I
have offered, as an undogmatic alternative
and impetus for discussion, the Principle of
Scientific Responsibility.
We must reject the excuse of may scientists that they are too busy with purely technical problems to concern themselves with
complex moral questions about the harmful
social consequences of their work. What is
necessary - and woefully neglected right now
- is to train morally sensitive and enlightened
scientists who refuse to knowingly function
as links in causal chains leading to harm. The
goat must be to convince scientists that technical success purchased at the price of moral
myopia is really bad science.
To conclude with a somewhat personal
statement: I love science, but science, as practised today, is largely commercialized and
militaristic. It is devoted to spurring on senseless overconsumption with ever new titilla-
tions and devoted to setting the global stage
for a universal conflagration. The neglect of
ethics in science education is a terrible social
misfortune. Instead of instilling respect for
humanistic values in young scientists, the
current study of science instils in them a
contempt for "fuzzyheaded" ideas which
cannot be observed or quantified.
When the vice-president of one of Canada's largest mining companies gave a talk to
geology graduate students, he was asked what
hopes there were for getting the mining industry out of its slump. He said, very
seriously:"Well, another war. We need a war.
We loved the Falklands war, because there
were sinking ships. A lot of metal gets used up
that way."
It is appalling how today's scientists and
engineers, enamoured of their powerful machines and techniques, have almost completely
lost sight of human ends and human problems
which bigger machines and fancier computers
cannot solve. Given that science and its cancerous technological offshoots determine more
and more the shape of our daily lives, the
conclusion is frightening: we have delivered
ourselves into the hands of technical experts,
most of whom are moral cretins.
November 29,1999 More Questions
7or ^Dan QuayCe
by Aaron Drake, et al
What would happen if Pinochio said,
"My nose will grow longer?" Would he
explode?
Is the road runner a boy or a girl?
Why doesn't the Tasmanina Devil get
dizzy?
And Yosemite Sam. There's a guy who
gets around. Cowboy, pirate, confederate
soldier, miner, poacher. Wow.
Where is Effigy and why are people
always being burnt there?
If houses were triangular, what could
you put in the corners?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
If Casper is trie Friendly Ghost, where
is Casper the Friendly Kid buried?
Oriental Flavor Noodles. That's discriminatory, Why isn't there Negro Flavor Noddles? Or Native Indian Flavor
Noodles.
Oooh, I'm gonna catch hell for that one.
What about Torontonian Flavor
Noodles? Would it taste like pork?
Are mermaids mammals? If so, the
bottom half must be like a dolphin's, yet
they have scales. God? Hello? Are they
all Pisces? Aquarius?
Why do they call them typewriters?
They don't write. They print. I mean,
come on...
Why do sneakers squeak? It defeats the
purpose.
Here's a real contradiction of terms:
professional engineer.
And fluid statics...
Does anybody buy a tabloid for any
other reason than to laugh at the morons
who buy these tabloids? It's a scam, I tell
you.
Why do they always say that you have
caught a cold? Who actively goes out and
hunts colds? No one! We don't catch
them, they catch us! If we caught the cold,
then why are we in such a hurry to lose it
again?
They want to change postman to
postperson. Isn't that the silliest thing
you've heard of. What's next? I guess
we'll have to change manslaughter to
personslaughter, mankind to personkind,
manipulate to personipulate, manage to
personage, demand to depersond...
Why can't Siskel and Ebert agree on
anything? They give me a royal pain in
the wazoo.
Why do the meek get to inherit the
earth? They don't deserve it. Who gets to
will it to them. Hold on a second...the
meek will inherit the earth, but only after
the bold are through with it.
'moFriic|>ofci<toQy- Fui4M^ft\SiK^."
Due to gross oversight caused by mid-terms, nobody mentioned the
results of the rep elections. Here are the reps, both the
ones elected and ones in by acclamation:
Biology/ Aquaculture
Biochemistry
Chemistry
Computer Science
General Science
Geography/Atmospheric
Geophysics/Astronomy
Mathematics
Microbiology
Oceanography
Pharmacology
Physics
Physiology
Psychology
4th Year
3rd Year
2nd Year
1st Year
Lloyd Jeffs
Loveleen Lohia
Sylvia Cho
Yvonne Lee
[vacant]
Science     [vacant]
[vacant]
MiraBajic
Adrian Abdool
[vacant]
Phil Edora
Caireen Hanert
Pam Sproule
JoeWu
Trent Hammer
[2 positions vacant]
Louisa Dickinson
Todd Donnelly
TimLo
Kelly Guggisberg
Hugh Leung
Kande Williston
Barry Johnston
Orvin Lau
.N. STEIN
t, KcuOWenm
- GLUCOSE I
so
-LACTONE!
- Jucpo^fci
- ctrfifttEf
KeiJ f mvouR
ftVftlLftBLE 't4 Tlk'
P-M-333   //
.to
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m
7T7
UBC SCIENCE TEACHING
EVALUATION QUESTIONNAIRE
Improved teaching and learning comes from finding out how
you feel about the course and its presentation. Your instructor
will appreciate sincere answers to the following questions. Use
the back of this sheet to continue your comments where neces
saary. You may wish to print you comments in order to avoid
recognition of your handwriting.
COURSE:
INSTRUCTOR
IMPORTANT
Please rate from 1 to 5 according to how much you agree
with each statemen 1 meanst that you completely disagree,
while 5 means that you completely agree.
PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS
THE INSTRUCTOR
1. The instructor speaks clearly and audibly....
2. The instructor dresses shabbily...
3. The instructor has dandruff...
4. The instructor habitually scratches his privates...
5. The instructor bores the hell out of me...
6. The instructor must be on drugs...
THE COURSE
1. The course bores the bejesus out of me...
2. The text is about as useful as tits on a bull...
3. The text was written by the instructor solely to cash in on
royalties...
4. The only reason I'm taking this silly course is that it's a
prerequisite...
5. The Labs are scheduled by people on drugs...
6. The T.A. hates undergrads...
FINAL E.XW STOW TECHNIQUE: LEARNING BS OSMOSIS
The First Law Of
Homework
For every right answer obtained,
someone will obtain a wrong
answer
The Second Law Of
Homework
The amount of homework in the
universe can only increase
The Third Law of
Homework
The amount of homework expands to fill all available time
The Fourth Law Of
Homework
Homework is carcinogenic
The 432
November 29,1989 Science Week is showing Bladerunner and The Abyss. Science students can get in for $2. Come to SUS for more details
Mars, Martians, and all that
by Morgan Burke
Extraterrestrial intelligence is always
a fascinating subject for speculation, but
is particularly prone to distortion and
outright fabrication by a shoot-from-the-
hip, self-proclaimed UFO experts. This
thankfully small group always seems to
get far more exposure than they warrant,
largely due to their extremely sensational
claims and speculations, which are presented as fact to an unsuspecting public.
Their ideas are often made to seem more
credible when they refer to themselves as
'scientists'. This title is becoming disturbingly synonymous with 'sorcerer' in
this age of complex ideas. As a rule of
thumb, self-proclaimed 'scientists' are
anything but witness Political Scientists
and Creation Scientists (not to suggest in
any way that Political Science is as bogus
as Creation Science; it's just not science...). Real scientists are nearly always
known by their field (eg. Astronomer,
Biologist, Physicist), as well as by their
credentials (for example, Carl Sagan, Astronomer, Cornell University). But I
digress. The reason for this tirade, is that
a 'scientist' of no claimed field or credentials recently got onto that bastion of
unbiased and rational comment, CBC's
The Journal, and proceeded to describe
how a certain land formation on the surface of Mars was, in fact, a message to us
Earthlings from an alien race.
According to this gentleman, not only
does this feature bear an uncanny resemblance to the human face, but numerous
'five-sided hills' and features in the surrounding landscape form a geometric
pattern which actually points to the face!
Unfortunately, trying to decipher the lines
which are drawn across photos of the
region to illustrate this amazing face is
analogous to solving one of those "How
many mangles can you find in this picture" puzzles you get on the children's
placemats in Big Scoop restaurants. It's
not obvious.
When first spotted in photographs by
the Viking orbiters, planetary scientists
at NASA innocently gave the 'Face of
Mars' its suggestive name with no intention of implying the existence of intelligent extra-terrestrial sculptors. Predictably, however, there were those in the
burgeoning pseudo-scientific and space-
alien fringes who seized on the misshapen
lump of rock and its gee-whiz name as an
interplanetary beacon.
The evidence for this bold claim is as
outlandish as it is weak. The notion that
the face was constructed by intelligent
\M- STE'N    -^ V!.«Otim
creatures is just as erroneous as suggesting that the 'pictures' formed by the constellations were made by the gods to
commemorate valiant heroes, or that the
perfect circularity of moon craters suggests the action of titanic geometry students, or that nickel-iron meteorites are
extra-terrestrial spaceships that melted
during re-entry. Geographic features are
so infinitely varied, it is not only possible
but very probable that occasional anthropomorphic formations will be observed
in any landscape. Human faces and heads
abound in nature both on and off Earth,
but for some reason these sensationalists
don't trumpet the cosmic ramifications of
the man-in-the-moon. Why should Mars
be any different than Earth or any other
planetary body in this respect?
There's actually an answer to that
question. Mars has been a symbol of
extraterrestrial life for centuries. The
belief in the existence of an advanced
civilization on Mars perhaps peaked
during the time of the astronomer Per-
cival Lowell, who lovingly detailed the
canals and cities of the ancient and dying
race of Martians. He performed his observations with a telescope, reading features into the Martian landscape which
his contemporaries were strangely at a
loss to find. We now know that Lowell's
scientific ability became hindered by his
almost religious belief in the existence of
Martians, but it seems that some still have
to learn his lesson.
The mystique of Mars caused many
(except the planetary scientists) to be
disappointed when the data from Viking
showed Mars to be dead. Unfortunately,
over a decade after that spectacular mission, people are still resurrecting the
Martian myth, certain that secret messages are hidden in the scientific data.
Besides, surely any extra-terrestrials
worth their salt could build a better face
than that! I've seen better faces on the
butt-ends of coconuts, but I'm not going
to call Carl Sagan over it Any face with
only one 'eye-socket' which shows up
only under very oblique lighting, and a
chin higher than either the nose or brow is
certainly not the face of any thing this side
of Cubism. Those five-sided hills must
possess a very subtle layout to display the
two-fold symmetry and 'pointer' claimed
by these charlatans. I fear these silly
people are suffering from a Lowellian
complex in their imaginative mental landscaping of Mars. And somehow they
always neglect to mention that the photos
,  JOHN   DOE ALIEN |
Htiaht-saart tmiiB *«•!< 5 artcri, till AaKricaaa *aata 3 fait
Ski* Col««r-fr«Y aTfreaa
Em-Black; eaetall *•« .r aq aat kc tfiitiairiiaaalc (iwajtants?)
Artwj Freaacatcf-aaaafeaca' lacaln; teacrts. waaaj. lacaj aari. aat
alter alacn fevail af statical life
of the face that they proudly display are
enhanced considerably to bring out the
human features: Mount Rushmore this
thing is not.
SETI, the (real) Search for Extra-
Terrestrial Intelligence, is struggling for
ifunding but is starting to achieve the
broad scientific recognition it deserves.
Borderline UFO cults like these do it no
service, and set back the cause of astronomers fighting the supermarket tabloid
and pulp fiction perceptions of alien civilizations.
It's always nice to see science stories
on shows like The Journal, but an effort
really must be made in a public forum to
distinguish between science fact and science fantasy. Even those who strive to
stay within the boundaries of pure science can get swept up in controversy and
debate which rivals that of any political
forum. Contrary to popular belief, little in
science, and especially the space sciences, is known absolutely; scientists are
trained to always consider, present, and
argue other opinions as a result Journal-
iists should know that balanced reports
are necessary not only when covering
social and political topics, but scientific
ones as well.
f
1JJl'J \ i
HOVI YOU   KNOW WHAT'S   &0.N&   To T>t OM THE  FMKL
The 432
^\
The Science Food
Bank Challenge
An inter-faculty challenge
has been issued by the other
undergrad societies to see
who can raaise the most food
and donation by Dec 1.
Bring Non-Perishable
Food Items to The
SUS Office (Chem
160) or Science Club
Offices or Look for
Drop Boxes in
SCIENCE Buildings
Monetary Donations are
appreciated, and can be
given to any SUS Exec*,
Hurry! - The Challenge ends Dec 1
Final Count at SUB
Concourse, 12 noon.
J
UFO
Psychology
by David Falk
The military (Canadian, American, Russian, so on) has been pursuing UFOs for
years. In all, over three thousand UFO
chases havebeenreported. Many of these
chases wereby the fastest planes-F-16's,
MiGs, Blackbirds. Still, the UFOs have
outrun their pursuers. Why are they running from us? Have aliines travelled billions of kilometers just to play hide and
seek? If alines came a long way to visit,
then why do they balk at contact?
Maybe the aliens aren;t particularly nice.
Some poeple have claimed to be beateb,
dissectd and reassembled without anas-
thetic, subjected to energy weapons,
raped, or a combination of these, after
being taken abouard an alien space ship.
This isn't exactly the mark of a gentle
race.
Suppose we asume that aliens exist and
they think like humans. Then we've got
to conclude that they have a sick sense of
humor. Just imagine an alien cruising
over the Nevada Desert at half the speed
of light when it sees a telephone repairman in a pickup truck (it's funny - aliens
like to target pickup trucks). The alien
hovers over the pickup and decides to
make a close encounter of the second
kind. The hard way. It gives the truck as
good shake with some advanced tractor
beam mechanism - you saw it in Star
Wars. The alien gets a few cheap laughs,
then leaaves. Ir probably knows that the
lower life form it's tormented will be
psychology scarred, maybe batters. No
one will believe him when he says that an
alien shook his truck.
These aliens have been sighted numerous times outside of their vessels. If they
are from another planet, then they might
have more than a little problem adjusting
to earth's conditions. The aliens sighted
outside of their ships never had any special breathing apparatus or environmental
clothing (for that matter, they usually
have NO clothing). Unles their natural
atmosphere is almost exactly like ours
they are going to face some problems.
®mi&p$i; and Morgat* Barke
were iddaapijed together and
diseeeted fay M&tians, Morgan
$$&& Wfeaivitf didn't,
NaBoo-nanoo,
November 29,1999 Have you ever written a really good
paper, handed it in, got it back with a
really good mark, and wished that so-
mone besides you and your professor
could read it? With 34,000 day students
of various capacities at UBC, the number
of assignment!? done each year is truly
monstrous, and even if only a very small
proportion of them are any good, and an
even smaller proportion truly excellent,
there must be several dozen, or maybe
several hundred, absolutely wonderful
papers produced. What happens to them?
Doubtless many of them lie mouldering
in notebooks (or in notebooks which are
in landfills). A few may be submitted to
some sort of publication such as Arc
undergrad literary magazine, produced
here at UBC. But how many people read
that? Not many.
Even if the paper presents radically
new ideas in an interesting way, it is
likely never to be seen by a very large
number of people? Yes, Science students,
Engineers, many Artsies (particularly in
fields like Anthropology), and others have
journals that take submissions, but the
chances of getting anything published are
slim. Why? Because journals publish
material almost exclusively from people
who already have PhD's in their field.
Nature, Science, or even The Journal of
Slavonic Studies, if they received a submission from a lowly undergraduate student, would likely not even look at it.
Even if they did, chances are that the
ideas presented therein would not be in
exactly the form they would like, and
would be unprofessionally written. Rejection would probably be almost instantaneous. And what about people who
write good papers in courses which are
not in their major (ie. where their knowledge is limited), or in fields where journals or magazine are scarce or nonexistent?
My roommate suggested to me the
idea of a national undergraduate journal.
His opinion was that there should be
some sort of forum for excellent undergraduate work in any field, which would
take submissions from people who do not
have a degree in the field of their submission - whether he or she is a professor of
Microbiology writing on Greek thought,
an Archaeology major turning in her or
his term paper, or an elderly retiree synthesizing a life's hobby work translating
Vietnamese historical texts. The journal
could be structured as are most other
journals, with a professional panel of reviewers for each subject which could
either accept a submission, accept it
conditionally pending somechanges, send
it back for more work, or reject it. Advertising for submissions could go to colleges and universities across the country,
and work could be sent by mail to a
central office.
The difficulty of this proposition lies
not with the concept, but with funding,
organization and personnel. Would
money come from government, advertising, private donations, or some other
source? Who would coordinate? How
many people would be needed to organize, type, lay out, and print the thing?
Where would the reviewers come from?
If anyone is interested in trying to
figure out what can be done to see that
truly fine undergraduate work can be
recognized and read, please contact me in
the Science office (Chem 160, phone
228-4235) or at home at 433-5214. Who
knows? We might be able to start something.
Merry Christmas Derek. It's
three in the morning ans I can't
think of anyting thing witty or
bitingly sarcastic to write down,
so I'll just curSe your ancestors.
PlMPiE
/Jdam'-s Apple
The £tze of
Sla^K Shoes
£?OT T/-!b KEENER
^6W ShOOtS        EPS'0**? Something; Big Laughs
Ork
Ork
Ork
Ork
IBrcswii
MicorBi is sponsoring the
UBC Beer Brewing COntest.
This contest is open to all
students.
Each brew will be taste
tested by an impartial panel
of judges at the MicroBi
Beer Garden on January
This is in conjunction with
the MicroBi Beer Brewing
Contest held during Science
Week.
Prizes:
1st: $50
2nd: $30
3rd: $20
IT'S SUS DRUG
AWARENESS
WEEK!.
Say No
Thank
You to
chemical
drugs or
the ones
that are
too expensive
a message to the staff of the 432
The 432
November 29,1989
Happy  New  Year Yuppie Excuses For Not
Doing Homework
by Tim Lam, Pat Redding, Aaron
Drake
1. My CD Player broke down last
night.
2.1 pulled a muscle at aerobics.
3.1 had to pick up my BMW from the
shop.
4. My Lhasa Apso ate it
5. My investment counselor died.
6. There was a Miata for sale.
7. Oh, didn't you get it? I faxed it to
you last night.
New Age Excuses For Not
Doing Homework
1. The textbook is hostile.
2.1 was having an out of body experience.
3. Shirley Maclaine came over.
4. My crystal broke.
5. Jupiter and Venus were aligned - bad
vibes.
6.1 did it in my past life.
7. Mike ate my homework.
East Van Excuses For Not
Doing Homework
1. What homework?
2. There was homework?
3.1 didn't do it
4.1 didn't do it. You got a problem
with that?
5.1 haven't copied it off of someone
yet.
6. Huh?
7. What?
8. Huh?
The Text-Book
Writer's Song
(with apologies to
Gilbert + Sullivan)
'txpac-i.s rtAu.
Answers to That's Trivial, from
page 4
1. Lulu Island.
2. Marine Drive.
3. Wreck Beach.
4. Pacific Spirit Park (Endowment
Lands).
5. 0.5%
6. Harbour Center.
7. There isn't one.
8. West Vancouver.
9. Breen, blue, white.
10.1514.
11. San Francisco.
12. New Westminister.
13. The SS Beaver.
14. New Westminister.
15. Captain Cook.
16IsladeLangara.
17. The Lion's Peaks.
18. Don Jose Maria Narvaez, 1971.
19. Brickmaking.
20. Vancouver's Centennial Sea
Otter.
SCORING
1-10:1 point.
11-15:2 points.
16-20: 3 points.
>32 points - Expert
24-31 points - Know-it-all
14-23 points - Joe Average
by Allan Sharp
When I was young I set my mind,
to get out of a financial bind.
I promptly wrote a text with care,
that improvements could be made in it
here and there.
Chorus: Oh improvements could be
made in it here and there.
I wrote the text so carefully
That it's always ben required at the
'varsity.
Chorus: He wrote the text so carefully
That it's always been required at the
'varsity.
A few years later when the sales went
flat,
A revised edition soon came to bat.
I made a few improvements and I
raised the price
And my pecuniary problems were
defeated in a trice.
The second edition did so well for me
That I've always kept my foothold at
the varsity.
Chorus: Repeat last two lines
A third edition soon came along,
With twelve new chapters to make it so
long.
Very few students ever read that trash,
But they came in very handy when I
needed cash.
That third edition was the cross on the
't\
When it came to making m oney at the
'varsity.
Chorus: repeat last two lines
The fourth edition was a tour de force;
I expanded it as a matter of course.
The illustrations rivaled Van Gough
And the text said all I'll ever know.
Editions five to nine came so naturally
That I'll always be required at the
'varsity.
Chorus: repeat last two lines
Professors all, whoever you may be,
If you want to stay at the top of the
tree,
If you want to sell your book at every
school,
Be sure to be guided by this golden
rule.
Revise your edition, and don't cut your
fee,
And you'll always be required at the
'varsity.
Chorus, fleurish, fade to black
t:a^
is tubs Ssi&mi&e w«wg3wmh's feM bc*&sy
J33QS ih® Mlm $&yn9 ftwr wtaiksg tike
£jid to £te lam*!5 $cH«c© B&21 E$£kay
Occd >3tcHc In tie playoffs* The Fkyss-®'?
Sigm rnp fwr Tmm EH &pmU
i
Classifieds
Messages
Companions
Ari Giligson Lookalike ContestA Dec 7,
SUB Auditorium.
Anthony C. It isn't over. Not by a long
shot. Colonialism is a noble pursuit
Remember your place in the SUS Kingdom.
Or you'll be shot at dawn. Have a nice day.
Physsoc Is back. Yes, back. Exams are
here. Betcha need a place to study real late,
right? Like maybe a study carrell in a
rockin' society that has a microwave in it's
lounge and pop cheaper than anyone on
Hastings? Yup exams are here. You
probably could use free tutoring in math,
chem and physics, couldn't you? Bet you
could use a membership in Physsoc. Forget
it. Shoulda thought of that at the beginning
of the year, you goof. Good luck on your
supplementals.
For Sale Misc
Stuffed and Mounted: Various Roadkill.
Reply Box 201, this paper.
Mom. Body shot, but still a lot of years left
in her. Box 214, this paper.
My virginity. Oh Heck, I'll give it away.
Reply Box 204, this paper.
Patent for combo automatic enema/food
processor. Real opportunity here. Box 202,
this paper.
Integrity for sale. Real cheap. I gotta join
SUS council. Pre Med student. Box 203 this
paper.
Looking for the guy? Looking for a tall,
handsome, interesting male (20-25) into
sports, long walks in the moonlight? Want
someone sensitive, understanding, caring?
So do I. Write to Bob, box 102 this paper.
SWM,  Rich old bastard about to kick the
bucket, but wants a lecherous fling with
some bubbleheaded coed nympho who
doesn't mine putting her body ahead of her
principles. Box 209, this paper.
Are you a daring female looking for the
fun side of life? Do you live for thrills,
excitement, action? Do you take chances,
dare the reaper, dance carefree on the razor
blade? Do you taunt the precipice, demanding that life give you its all? Do you risk it
all when it's right? Are you the kind of
person into this? So am 1.1 get out in six
months. Maybe we can get together. Box
210 this paper.
Many SWM looking for many SWF,
attractive interesting, for witty conversation,
bible study, whips and chains. Box 213 this
paper.
Lost
Paradise. Call 664-6969. Ask for Milton.
Jimmy Hoffa. The sucker owes me five
bucks. Box 221 this paper.
Books in the UBC bookstore for a reasonable price.
The 432
November 29,1999

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