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The 432 Jan 10, 1996

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 VOL 9 • NO 7
10 JANUARY 1996
Student Gov't
Crippled by
Budget Crisis!
"But what about my beer and nacho fix!?!"
cries an worried student.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Sanity is but a one trick
pony.
The Tick
UPCOMING
Science Week 1996
Jan. 15-19
SUS Council Meeting
Thursdays, 1:30, SUB 206
INGREDIENTS
1 editor, worn out
3 absent ass't editors,
beaten to a pulp
1.5 cubic feet of unbleached
paper pulp
45 gal of black ink
A press the size of a large
automobile
Kflgore Trout and Gord Olundsky
Roving Correspondents
VANCOUVER (Reuters)
The Alma Mater Society of UBC
shut down all but its essential
services this week after an
"clerical error" caused the multimil-
lion dollar student society to run
heavily into debt.
According to informed sources, the
root of the problem lies in the
amount of money transferred from
the AMS to its subsidiary groups.
"They forgot they already carried
the one," the source claimed, "and
what should have been a mere
$100,000 ended up being nearly
$200 thou'."
Normally, simple mathematical
errors like this are corrected by
reclaiming the money from the
subsidiary organizations. However,
most of the money has already
been spent.
Of the estimated $73,000 unaccounted for, nearly $70,000 appears
to have been transferred to the
Science Undergraduate Society
through a series of false accounts
and questionable "expenditures."
According to memos obtained by
The 432, the cash is being spent on
a "kick-ass party that no student
will want to miss" sometime during
the week of January 15.
Until the money can be reclaimed
from the Science Undergrad
Society, the AMS will shut all but
the most essential services. This is
due to the refusal of AMS Council
to approve a deficit budget sponsored by the AMS President,
deemed "essential to maintaining
the quality of life of the students of
UBC."
Until a resolution to the impasse
can be reached, the Society will be
unable to maintain its student payroll.
Essential services such as BlueChip
Cookies and The Gallery will be
open during limited hours. Workers
are being required to work for half
pay, although full back pay has
been promised once the budget crisis has been resolved.
In an interview where he asked to
remain nameless, one of the
Gallery staff expressed anger at the
AMS for failing to come to an
agreement.
"I understand that the students on
campus need us," he said, "but it's
wrong to make us work without
paying us. Why should we have to
suffer just because they can't agree
on a stupid budget?"
The impasse is expected to last at
least another week, with neither
the President nor Council showing
any sign of softening in their positions.
AMS officials appear determined to
regain the money by "any means
necessary."
SUS Executive were unable to comment on the possibility of returning
the unauthorized transfer, citing a
possible upcoming court case as the
reason for their silence. In the
meantime, loyal SUS members are
being asked to donate money
and/or weaponry to a SUS Defense
Fund.
Alien Brain
Abduction!
Van Gordolundsky
Elvis and Nixon declare their candidacy for the UBC Board of
Governors in what may be one of the most remarkable political
comebacks in history.
'Columnist
VICTORIA (CP)
An explanation has finally for
Mike Harcourt's irrational
behaviour as Premier of
British Columbia during the last
year.
Doctors at Victoria Mercy General
held a press conference today to
reveal Mike Harcourt was the first
recipient of a simian brain.
In a procedure on the cutting edge
of medical science, a brain was
removed from a male chimpanzee
and transplanted into Mr.
Harcourt's cranial cavity.
Harcourt became eligible for the
experimental procedure after his
brain was stolen by aliens.
When questioned on what
appeared to be a spurious claim,
Harcourt angrily replied,
"Dammit, it's true! Banana! Aliens
came down from outer space and
stole my brain! Banana! I think
they needed a specimen of Homo
sapiens for their genetic library or
something. Banana!"
Leader of the Opposition Gordon
Campbell was quick to point out
Harcourt's explanation as plausible,
given the disastrous handling of
the NDP bingo scandal.
Doctors were optimistic for
Harcourt's long term health and
overall intellect.
"We're expecting about 95% recovery of intelligence with the new
simian brain," said Dr. Joseph
Sadeller of Victoria Mercy, "based
IQ tests taken by Mr. Harcourt
before the operation." PAGE 2
THE
3       2
JAN 10,1996
It's better than the one Jason found.
1996 SCIENCE FLEECE
Dark blue, thick polar fleece
embroidered with SCIENCE UBC
Costs approx. $65
Sign-up before Decjjil SUS
SCIENCE
UBC
$1
m now
SCIENCE REFERENDUM
January 22-26,1996
During S
Society w
8-y-W&b4:'JtmP> ■£-<«
:ience Week, the Science Undergraduate
II hold a referendum to increase the SUS
fee from $10 to $l2.This fee increase will enable the
SUS to continue:
50% Sports Rebates
The 432
Grants to Science Clubs
Science Week
V Bzzr Gardens
s well as many other services
If you have any questions, drop by SUS in CHEM
160 or call 822-4235
Editorial
Rambliiigs.
Blair
MCDONALD
You know that old adage, "be
careful what you wish for? Good,
'cause that's exactly what's been
happening to me since last I sat
here with twelve minutes 'till
deadline.
First, last term I was stressed.
Term projects, finals, lab reports,
you name, it's due and due now!
And when I'm stressed, I get
cranky. Sorry. All I was thinking
was "please pleeesease let this hell
end so I can collapse until
1996..."
The time finally rolled by, and I
got to collapse.
Christmas was approaching, and
my parents (loving that they are)
asked me what I wanted for
Christmas.
"A new tuner for my stereo," I
said, "a Yamaha mid-range with
remote, available only in black
and you can find that at A&B
Sound, if you're so inclined."
Lo, and behold, guess what I
found under the tree? They must
have been taking notes or something.
But Christmas passed, my parents went on vacation and I went
home. And I was bored.
I griped long and hard about not
having anything to do. I suppose
I might have been a tad intolerable to anyone in the same room,
so I'm sorry for that too.
All I wanted was to have a project or two to play with. Nothing
due anytime soon, but just something I could work on so the day
didn't feel like a complete waste
of time.
So I went to SUS during the
break (yes, I'm aware I don't have
a thrilling life) and I updated my
font archive, redesigned the
paper, cleaned out the hard drive
and generally did all the little
DTP things I'd been meaning to
get around to since last
Christmas.
But that only took a day or two
and I found myself wishing for
something to do that didn't
involve falling to my death or
spending a zillion tons of cash.
School seemed to fit that bill
'nicely: somewhere to go, lots of
nice easy things (at least at first)
to do, and people to see.
School started again, and wham!
I had way to much to do.
This paper, for one. Science
Week posters, two t-shirts, a mega
ton of homework. And some election thingie, too.
So now I'm stressed again, with
no end in sight. Artd it's all
because I was bored and wanted
something to do. When will I
ever learn?
• •'
The person you are is influenced
greatly by what you see, hear and
read.
For me, I'm reading my way
through the collected essays of
Stephen Jay Gould. I prefer his
early stuff when he actually sticks
to paleotology, rather than his
latest where half of the stuff
seems to be on religion or his
annual vacation.
So my writing style is becoming
more and more prosaic, while
saying less and less of relevance.
And I really enjoy a good
episode of Home Improvement.-
Tim Allen is a comic god, or at
least Tim Taylor is. I can really
identify with this guy: he tries so
hard to do something really cool,
only to have it blow up in his
face 'cause he couldn't resist
adding more power! Arrr arr arr!
And of course, he gets caught
every time.
Poor guy.
Tim's taught me two things:
work damn hard on what's
important, and have fun while
doing it. Nothing else really matters in the long run.
So what does the New Year hold
for me? To be frank, I really don't
know. There's some sort of election going on, and God only
knows how that will pan out.
There's summer jobs awaiting,
preferably something related to
my degree.
But for now, there's The 432.
Speaking of getting what I wished
for, are there any cartoonists out
there anywhere?
Volume 9 Number 7
10 Jan 1996
Editor
Blair McDonald
Ass't Editors
Jay Garcia
John Hallett
MattWiggtn
Columnists
Nicola Jones, Dave Khan, Tracy
MacKinnon, Jeremy Thorp
Etcetera
The 432 is published by the
Science Undergraduate Society
of UBC, from our luxurious
offices in. the basement of the
Chemistry Building.
All opinions expressed herein
are those of the Individual writers, not the Science Undergrad,
Faculty of Science or the
University admin types.
Contributions are welcome from
all UBC students.
The 432 and all material contained within are copyrighted
by the Science Undergraduate
Society, 1995 and may not be
reproduced In a public format
without express written consent.
Violaters will be strapped to an
anthill and smeared with honey. JAN 10,1996
H      E
PAGE 3
UBC 1996.
In the past few years, our rating
as a university has been falling
— it may not be long until we
find ourselves squeezed somewhere between Capalino College
and Jim-Bob's Comprehensive
School of R.V. Repair. So, being
the conscientious and responsible
member of the student body that
I am, I've come up with a few
simple proposals to improve the
quality of education at our
beloved university. So, sharpen
your pencil, Strangway, and get
ready to take some notes...
1. Establish a bzzr price to GPA
ratio system. Here's how it would
work: for every percent above
fifty percent you earn in your
courses, you would receive the
same percentage in discount off
of bzzr at all campus pubs. So, if
you work real hard, get a multicoloured pen, and perhaps even
laugh at your professors' jokes,
you could end up with 30, 40,
even 50 percent off a helluva
night at the Pit. This also provides something of a buffering
system, maintaining grade equality, since the better the grade you
get, the more bzzr you drink.
And, well, the more bzzr you
drink...
2. It seems to me that attendance is a serious problem here at
UBC. Who wants to go to class
when you can stay home, sprawl
on the couch and watch some
embarrassingly obese man with a
drinking problem insult his
mother on Ricky Lake? My solution to this plague of lethargy is
simple: assign each professor and
teaching assistant with a non-academic partner, from the entertainment world. Clowns, talk
show hosts and exotic dancers are
all possibilities. Red Green could
help with Forestry classes, a
woman with a tiger would certainly make Anatomy 392 more
interesting, and I'm sure Carnie
would certainly have a bigger
audience in Psychology 100 than
she currently does.
3. Advertising. Enough of this
sitting around and letting the students come to you. Try magazine
ads with kids in their underwear.
Change the name of the university to UBC 96 and convince everyone that it is completely different
from and infinitely better than
last year's university. Put up a
website with cool graphics and
pictures of the faculty, perhaps
also in their underwear. Pass out
smarties, release a soundtrack,
blow something up — anything
to make the sale. After all, information isn't a right, it's a commodity. Right?
Well, there you go. Seems easy
enough, doesn't it? A couple of
years of cut-throat economics and
blatantly offensive advertising
should put this University right
where it belongs — at the top.
And, at the very least, we'll have
cheap bzzr, celebrities, and scantily dressed adolescents. Who
could ask for more?
7H£ 432 SPEAKS WITH INTERNATIONAL
TERRORIST, CARLOS THE JACKAL, ABOUT
SCIENCE WEEK 1996
by Gord van McOluncsky
Mr. Jackal, thanks for taking
time out of your busy schedule
to see us.
It's not like I'm going anywhere, now
is it' <gcstures to leg irons>
But you'll be able to attend the
festivities at Science Week
1996, wont you? The Trike Race
just won't be the same without
you leading the pack.
No problem. I'll be out of here just
as soon as I can bribe a few prison
officials. Then a quick plane ride to
Canada, with its wonderfully lax
immigration policies
Good, good. We'll save you a
fish for the famous Gyotaku t-
shirt printing, and a spot in the
line for the Blood Donor Clinic.
Fair enough. I'll even bring a few of
my colleagues, and we'll all give a
couple of pints of O positive.
And we'll trade those pints for
a pint at the Science Week
Dance. Or you can enjoy one of
the many Science Week bzzr
gardens.
Sounds great. But there's one event
I especially want to attend.
Which one? The CompSci Car
Rally?
No, the Chemistry Magic Show. I've
heard it's quite a blast.
SCIENCE WEEK 1996
January 15-19,1996
The Science Undergraduate
Society of UBC
CHEM B160 • 822-4235
SCIENCE
UBC
"The Truth of Student
Polities" Crossworcl.
ACROSS
4. A good reason for Pre-Med
keeners to get involved (2 wrds).
12. Longest running slate in
UBC history; notorious for making incredibly stupid promises. So
far, this slate has not won a single
seat (3 wrds).
15. There's "big benefits" to
being an AMS Executive (2 wrds).
17. Politicans always make
 • (2 wrds).
18. A way of posing a question,
usually of interest to only a few
people to the entire campus (1
wrd).
DOWN 	
1. Palindrome expressing most
students' level of interest in student politics (1 wrd).
2. Student politics is: dodging
the ________ (2 wrds.)
3. A slate currently running for
election on a platform of change.
5. These are always going up (2
wrds).
6. A slate currently running, primarily made up of old bitter
hacks who refuse to give up and
face reality (3 wrds).
7. A person can either run a joke
campaign or run (1 wrd).
8. Why don't you just     ■     ?
A common attitude to politicans
and door to door salesmen. (2
wrds).
9. Student politics is: circum-.
venting the  (2 wrds).
10. Governing body of the universe (2 wrds).
11. It's all (2 wrds, you
smoke the first word).
13. Opposite of relevant.
14. During the summer, student
politicans can be found	
(3 wrds).
16. To the ! (1 wrd).
Are you politically aware? Or are you one of those
Woodward Library ghosts who never see the light of day?
Try this handy-dandy crossword puzzle and find out! PAGE 4
H       E
3
JAN 10,1996
The Return of Dik Miller,
Private Dye.
Derek K.
MILLER
My name is Dik Miller,
Private Eye. Actually, I
hadn't been a private eye
for quite a long time now, since a
chance encounter at the SUB led
to my hiring as bass player for the
Grateful Circumcised more than
two years ago.
Those who knew me when I was
a fixture at UBC have likely forgotten—which is probably for the
best. Those who are new here
since then never knew me —
which is definitely for the best.
I spent much of 1994 and 1995
touring the world with the Circ,
as we liked to be known. Alas, our
long-planned triumphant
Bosnian megatour was cancelled
because our pontoon bridge into
the country sank. We returned to
North America disconsolate but
determined to keep touring.
Somehow a small number of
fans of some other more anonymous band became confused and
began following us around as we
crisscrossed the continent.
Perhaps it was because our fans
also called themselves Deadheads
(for some reason I never quite
understood) that these other
Deadheads, tie-dyed and glassy-
eyed, began showing up at our
shows in greater and greater
numbers.
Eventually they over- whelmed
our own fans, and as the tour
wore on I became so disgusted
with requests for songs like "Dark
Star" and "Truckin"' that I finally
quit. I had too much artistic
integrity to play other people's
music. Our own songs, such as
the majestic "Barf Bag Polka,"
meant too much to me.
I drifted my way to Hollywood,
where one day, while I was walking along the street and trying to
avoid the discarded hypodermic
needles, a passing man tripped
over my Dik Miller™
umbrella/projection TV/Spam
grinder. I helped him up.
"Say, isn't that a Dik Miller™
umbrella/projection TV/Spam
grinder?" he asked, brushing the
front of his coat.
"Why yes," I said.
"Where did you get it?"
"Well, I am Dik Miller." I
beamed smugly.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Noway."
"Way."
"Get outta here."
"No really, I am."
"Get real."
This went on for a nauseatingly
long time before I finally convinced the man, whom I discovered was really Kevin Costner,
that I was actually me. It turned
out that he wanted to film my life
story.
"I'm touched," I said.
"Really?" he replied.
"Really."
"Noway."
I slapped him hard across the
cheek.
Over the next few months we
worked on a concept, did a lot of
lunch, and eventually decided on
Pierce Brosnan as the ideal leading man for our new film. (For
some bizarre reason Kevin insisted on making my character half
fish and calling the movie
Millerworld.)
Needless to say we were disappointed to discover that Pierce
had been stolen out from under
our noses for the much less glamorous role of James Bond.
Then things began to fall apart.
Kevin and I bickered about Dik
Miller's new-found half-fishyness.
Then we nearly came to blows
when he demanded that he be
allowed to take the part. I refused
and countered that Bob Hoskins
or Phil Collins might be a better
fit.
When neither were available I
found Ernie Coombs (a.k.a. Mr.
Dressup) willing to audition, but
Kevin huffed something about
him being "too macho" and
stormed out. We haven't spoken
since, even after calls begging for
the role from Bill Nye the Science
Guy.
Finally I gave up and made my
way back to UBC. I didn't know
what I should do. I had held
nearly every job at the University
that didn't require any kind of
peer review. I had scammed my
way into a lot of positions, but
figured that trying to convince an
appointment committee that I
should be hired as a fully tenured
professor was a bit much.
I decided I had only one option:
to return to Parking & Security
Services and my old job as Dik
Miller, Campus Cowboy.
So one day I found myself walking along Northwest Marine
Drive toward the old HQ when I
noticed a black-garbed figure
darting from the bushes and running across the road.
Things looked suspicious, so I
did what any self-respecting P.I.
would do.
From one of my voluminous
trenchcoat pockets I produced my
Dik Miller™ boomerang/ salad
fork/candle stick holder and cast
it at the fleeing person, who fell
immediately to the ground.
I ran up and discovered, to my
horror, that the woman held in
her teeth what my keen P.I. training told me must be a lethal
cyanide capsule.
"You'll never take me alive!" she
barked.
"Um..." I said.
"Ha! Don't try to distract me
with feigned stupidity! I recognize you, Mr. Private Eye. The
secret of the GoldenRye is going
with me to my grave. You can't
drag it out of me!"
"Er..." I said, "the GoldenRye?"
"Never!" she shrieked, biting
down hard on the capsule. "You
cannot stop us from using the
GoldenRye ...agh...thpth..."
She was dead.
I had no ideas what this
GoldenRye was, but it sure
sounded nasty. The job application would have to wait. Surely
something dastardly was going
on, and I had to put a stop to it.
How did our intrepid hero survive
the bus crash that conveniently
snuffed him out late last year? Was
it his amazing Dik Miller™ spatula/mechanical pencil/personal force
shield? Or was it just the miracle of
the Canadian medical system, keeping Dik alive until new body parts
could be grown in the Top Secret
Body Part Regenerating Vat o'
Goo™?
But now, new challenges await our
master detective! Can Dik Miller discover the secret of the mysterious
GoldenRye? Will he gain a sexy, foreign love interest as we continue to
blatantly rip off Hollywood's finest
movies?
Or will Dik fail miserably and be
relegated to the menial role of
Campus Cowboy?
Join us for the ongoing adventures
of Dik Miller, Private Eyel
A Five Day Forecast by
UTostradantus.
1  TUESDAY
<       >
///
LIGHT RAIN
HI9L0 3
1   WEDNESDAY
<    >
/////
HEAVY RAIN
HI12L0 5
□
THURSDAY
<«**W»»*».'»ssW
Hill
HEAVY RAIN
Hill L0 3
FRIDAY
APOCALYPSE
HI 5.5 billion
LO 5.49 billion
Just insert appropriate dates! JAN 10,1996
H       B
2
PAGE 5
Stocking the
Reserves.        Yeah, but Why?
Money is a curse. Money
makes the world go
round. All I ask is a
chance to prove that money can't
make me happy. Money can't buy
you love but can buy you chocolate, which according to my
friends is pretty damn close.
Actually, money is paper with
pretty designs and pretty worthless metals squashed into round
bits you can flick well with your
thumb. It's a way to remember
the most important people in our
heritage - like the queen - and
proudly display our favorite pets.
On the whole (or even when torn
into little bits), money is silly and
even tastes bad, and I hate that I
still alternately love and fear the
stuff.
For me, money is really a kind of
security - the good kind that even
money can't buy, or more precisely that money not buying anything becomes. I love that I own
my own platoon of little green
and purple men, and that they sit
somewhere in little boxes in little
rooms staying warm in case I
might need them; polishing their
boots and cleaning their guns,
ready for action and primed for
duty.
Like a division truly Canadian in
nature, for self-serving reasons
they only go out when it's really
necessary, and even then only in
little row-boats of five or six. But I
try not to be a loonie-pincher (we
allow loonies in our army now,
though pinching is actually strictly discouraged). I only recently
sent some divisions off on long-
term, highly interesting honeymoons, where they'll hopefully
have some fun and come back
multiplied in numbers. But the
whole concept of regulated procreation seems odd - money making money? Can they do that?
I'm always surprised when the
numbers go up, and a little afraid
to let them go down. It gets to be
laughable - to the point where
friends have had to dare and bet
me to recklessly let lose some
troops and pick up a few toys.
Well, it worked. Just this morning I let go quite a few hundred
to pick up a stereo - my last one
played one tape, badly, if you
picked open the compartment
with your fingernail; it didn't
know what a CD was and had a
somewhat schizophrenic personality in picking up multiple bands
on the same station. So I deserved
something new - I've been a good
girl, Santa even saidiso. But still I
hear a faint murmur or two from
the little green men I sacrificed,
crying out injustice. Ah well, the
stereo drowns them out.
Besides, it's not all departures
with toes tags - there's always the
spritely summer recruitment,
which tends to improve moral
and send a lot of troops AWOL,
leaving bike parts, novels and
fleece stuffed under their covers
to hide their escape and mark
their departure. I expect they'll
even start using CDs soon.
I figure when I have enough to
blow up the world three times
over then I'll be truly set. Being a
Libra, I tend to have this thorough a grasp on the nature of balance - of power and of scales,
which should both be just about
right when there's enough gold
piled on to tip them in my
favour. And when the little green
men haunt my sleep with
screams of "why me?!", I can just
crank up the stereo. From bed.
Did I mention it came with a
remote?
There are times when I'm not
so sure that people around
here realize what this place
is really for. One of the most
wonderful things about universities is that they exist in order to
satisfy curiosity. Fire was probably
one of the first ever PhD theses
ever done, where the question
"what would happen if I banged
these two rocks together?" was
answered. Since then, deeper and
more abstract questions have
been probed, such as "why is the
sky blue?" "where do babies come
from?" (embryology or sex, take
your pick,) and "yeah, but can
you drink it?" have been
answered. The whole point of
university as an institution is to
ask (and occasionally answer)
questions. Furthermore, it's
allowed to ask whatever the hell
you want. Just because the question looks pointless, that doesn't
mean that it is.
A perfect example of something
everyone thought was useless was
the laser. When first invented,
lasers were viewed as little more
than a curiosity with no real
world applications. 'Nuffsaid.
Over the years, however, people
have studied some pretty weird
stuff. I remember once reading
about a tenured professor who
studies vomiting. He looked at
how food poisoning works, nausea called by motion sickness,
and even sympathy sickness: why
we feel the need to throw up
when we see someone else do it...
maybe this is getting a little vulgar, so I think I'll move on now. I
also read, printed in the Globe and
Mail of all places, about a physicist who actually proved that
when you drop it, toast has to fall
O.J .Simpson confesses!
Aliens steal Strangway s
brain!
Cold fusion discovered!
Totem Park condemned!
and mucPtfffore in the
SCIENCE WEEK SPECIAL EDITION
MONDAY, JANUARY 22, 1996
buttered side down from the fundamental laws of physics. I won't
go into the details of the explanation, since it's actually kind of
complicated, but I will point out
that some university in England
feels it was worth their time to
pay this guy to study toast falling.
Frivolous, yes, but every society
needs a good ivory tower. What is
the use of all this? Beats me. I do
however, believe that curiosity is
an important quality of character.
Knowing what questions to ask is
half of making important scientific discoveries. Furthermore, just
because a person's research is trivial right now, that doesn't mean
that it always is. These two, for
example, may have done
immensely applicable things,
such as inventing Gravol, or
whatever.
With all this in mind, I would
appreciate it if people would take
my queries a little more seriously.
Following extensive discussion
with one of the columnists who
wished to remain nameless (it
was Nicola,) I've ascertained that
if you tell someone "it's just light
bouncing" at an early enough
age, they lose their ability to
question how reflection works.
Yeah, it's light bouncing. I already
know that. My question is how
do you get light, being energy, to
bounce off of matter without
absorption occurring? (My apologies for sounding like a nerd
here.) Still, no matter how hard I
tried to explain myself, the
answer was always the same: it's
still light bouncing. Eventually
the discussion degenerated to a
"But how?" "It just does." followed by the concluding "look,
this is silly. Just go ask someone
else, okay?" So, here I am, at one
of most respected and innovative
institutions of higher learning in
the entire world, and nobody will
tell me how reflection works.
Now I'm not arguing that knowing how reflection works would
be even remotely useful to me,
nor can I think of any applications for such information. I do
however feel that in the interests
of personal development, I
should be attempting to gather as
much information as... okay
there isn't even a reason why I
want to know. I just do.
If there's anyone out there who
can help me, drop me a line at
the paper. I've been losing a lot of
sleep over this lately. Even if I
never figure this one out, however, I promise I won't be discouraged. Funding cutbacks to pure
research won't phase me. One
day, I will be able to tell the world
"I discovered this, and it has
absolutely no use." You know,
this whole article is starting to
sound remarkably like the sniveling of a post grad. My apologies. I
promise it won't happen again. PAGE6
H
E
2
JAN 10,1996
Playing God.
Recently discovered Dead Sea
Scrolls have revealed that
God isn't an immortal,
almighty being as previously
thought. These scrolls state that
God actually serves a 2000 year
term. At the end of this term, He
must face any challengers in an
open election. Research reveals
that the current Incumbent's latest term started in 4 BC, making
1996 AD the year of the prophesied election.
In this light, I will now officially
announce my candidacy for the
position of supreme being.
So why invest your beliefs in me
as opposed to the other popular
candidates? What does John
offer? Good questions. Both will
be answered in this article.
But I'd like to start with some
good old fashioned political mud
slinging against the Incumbent:
God never listens to you. God
only listens to those fanatic religious special interest groups.
When was the last time He
helped you pass math? Never!
When was the last time God filled
your mug foj free? Not for nearly
two thousani^years!
CENSORED
CENSORED
God's word isn't! Did you know
that the first five chapters of the
Bible (as well as several key portions after that) are blatantly plagiarized from other sources? Try
and hand in plagiarized work for
school and see what happens!
God claims to be a compassionate being yet condemns souls to
eternal damnation for questioning His word! Does that sound
like compassion? Or does it
sound more like the Thought
Police from 19841
God breaks his own rules! Jesus
was supposedly the son of God,
yet Mary had a betrothed! What
do we call that?
God supports incest. Just how
did we descent from just two people? Think about it!
summary,
Now what can I offer you as a
your new God?
First, you won't suffer in eternity
for not believing in me.
Second, the term "House of
God" will be extending to cover
liquor stores, pubs> and sports
arenas.
Third, I shall change the laws of
physics to accomplish several
things:
• Hangovers will be a thing of
the past.
• It will be impossible to fail
first year courses.
• The average ten year old will
be able to construct a faster than
light spacecraft from spare
kitchen utensils.
• Personal gravity will be suspended on request.
• Bzzr will never go flat.
• All math will be carried out
solely with integers.
Fourth, I promise to end world
hunger, war, poverty, disease, and
natural disasters. Unlike some
one we know.
Fifth, I will make miracles a daily
event. This way, you will never
"lose touch" with me.
Sixth, every century I will hold a
"God for a Day" contest.
Seventh, I will create a modernized movie version of the bible
starring Rodney Dangerfield as
Jesus Christ to spread God's word
to the masses.
Eighth, I will award Air Miles™
for prayers and confessions.
Ninth, in order to keep in touch
with the people of earth, I will
establish an email address for
myself at
God@heavens.domain.net. I also
plan to establish a World Wide
Web home page with on-line confessionals.
Tenth, I vow to make the first
100 years of my term the most
productive first 100 years on
record. Now, I realize that the first
100 years of the first term ever
were very productive. The first six
days alone saw massive public
works efforts which I plan to at
least double in my first six hours
alone. Then I'll rest for an hour.
So, when you think divine, think
John. (And not that Hugh Grant
ninnie.)
All comments, suggestions, complaints and death threats can be
sent to me c/o SUS.
For faster processing, please
address envelopes to one of:
4flMBtJohn For God, or Heathen
Scum of the Earth.
Somehow, when John first bounced
this idea off me, it seemed really
funny. Then John went off and wrote
this article...
But it's late, and there's lots of
funny things hidden amongst the
insanity.
Consider yourself lucky. I've censored the part about God being a
murderer, and deleted the logo that
was reminiscent of the Nazi propaganda used in World War II.
My apologies in advance to any
religious groups that find this offensive, and I promise to have John
neutered.
Maybe a shortage of testosterone
will bring John's mental equilibrium
back in line.
This year's Science Week Car Rally is going to be
H     U    G     E
That means HUGE prizes, like tickets to see the Canucks
at GM Place, gift certificates for cool shops like Eddie
Bauer and more!
It also means a tougher and longer list of
items to collect, places to find, and people to meet.
And of course it means HUGE quantities of bzzr and
syder toconsume after the Rally starts!!
Rules and sign-up forms can be picked up at either the
SUS office(Chem B160) or the CSSS office (CSCI 121B
in the back of Rick's Lab)
SUB Partyroom • Wednesday, January 24th, 6PM
BZZR GARDEN STARTS AT 6:30PM
and is open to everyone, not just
Car Rally participants!
FIRST YEAR
COMMITTEE
Bake Sale
Thursday, January II
8:30am- 10:30am
Outside CHEM B250
Coffee + muffin/donut
for$l
When you think
Divine, think John.
Qualifications
• Has an entire book of the Bible
named after him
• Hasn't sold his soul since 1982
• He's a mammal
• He knows if you've been bad or
good (oops, wrong job!)
John   For  God
'Better than the other guy
campaign. JAN 10,1996
THE
3       2
PAGE 7
The drawers of
SUS.
Tracy MacKinnon
President
Happy New Year! Isn't it
great to be back at UBC
and starting a brand new
term in which we all vow to do
much better? Personally, I'm
afraid to call up Telereg and find
out my first term grades. Luckily
I don't have to feel guilty about
this since I hear the system has
been down for a couple of days
anyway. Normally right about
now I'd be promising myself that
this time I will study before the
day of the exam, that I will do
the assignments and problem sets
and will pay attention in class.
Hell, I'll even go to class. But this
year I'm a little wiser and a little
more cynical. No point lying to
myself. I'm going to slack off this
term, just as any other. And I'm
going to have lots of fun doing it.
What does this have to do with
SUS? More than most people
would realize but that's a long
story and I'm supposed to have
short reports.
Stuff in SUS. Well, Science Week
is coming up but I'm sure Bella
will tell you all about it. So I'll
talk about the referendum.
During Science Week, the SUS
will be having a referendum to
increase the science undergraduate fee from $10 to-$12. This is
important if SUS is to continue to
give 50% sports rebates, publish
The 432 (which you are now
enjoying), give the Science clubs
(like Biosoc, Physsoc etc.) grants
to help them put on events
which interest you, hold bzzr
gardens and put on Science Week.
As well, we have a free phone and
Ethernet connection so people
can check their e-mail, cheap
photocopies, a pop machines and
computers that can be used by
Science students if they're not
being used for official SUS business. So when you come across a
polling station during Science
Week, you should vote yes if any
of the above things benefit you.
And if they don't, why on earth
not? It's definitely time for you
to enjoy your undergraduate
years so hope to see you in the
future.
Dave Khan  __^
Senator
Well, there's not much to
report on Senate. The
last meeting was filled
with rubber stamping and red
tape. Student initiatives have
been put on hiatus as well pending another Student Senate
Caucus meeting. The Safety
report presented to Senate last
December by VP Daniel Birch is
worth looking into though. For
my patt, I will be compiling a list
of what the other major universities do in terms of exam schedule
publishing - perhaps we can
revamp the system here at UBC.
Who the f#@k knows where the other exec reports are.
TOP TEN USES FOR AN ARTS
DEGREE BY THE YEAR 2000
i.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
UBC ROADMAP TO COMPUTING
An Introduction to Networked Computing Facilities
FREE Lectures and Hands-On Tutorials
A FREE lecture and tutorial series has been created to help familiarize
faculty, staff and students with the computing facilities at UBC. A
companion document to the lecture series, entitled UBC Roadmap to
Computing, is for sale at the UBC Bookstore. All lectures will take
place in the Instructional Resource Center (in the same building as the
Woodward library) in the rooms noted below. For more information
about the lecture series, please call 822-0557, or send e-mail to
roadmap®cs.ubc.ca.
Introduction to Electronic Mail:   January 15, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Using Netinfo and Interchange:   January 16, 1:30-2:30, Room 2
Introduction to UBCLIB: Jan 17, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to the UNIX Operating System:   January 18,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to the C Programming Environment:  January 19, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
The World Wide Web and Usenet News:  January 22, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to UNIX File Editors:  January 23,1:30 - 2:30, Room 2
Introduction to LaTeX:  January 24,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to X Windows:  January 25,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
We are also offering FREE hands-on tutorials: Introduction to UNIX,
and Introduction to C programming. Each tutorial is 2 hours in length,
and you will work on an X Windows (graphical) terminal running
UNIX. As space is limited, please phone 822-0557, or send e-mail to
roadmap©cs.ubc.ca , in order to reserve a space.
This program was made possible through the support of The Teaching and
Learning Enhancement Fund and The Department of Computer Science.
WHO'S WALKING WITH
YOU?
TO YOUR CAR
TO YOUR CLASS
TO RESIDENCE
TO THE LIBRARY
TO THE BUS LOOP
FROM ANYWHERE TO ANYWHERE ON CAMPUS
FOR STUDENTS, STAFF
AND FACULTY
DON'T WALK ALONE
CALL SAFEWALK • 822-5355
Mon - Sat    5pm - 1 am
Sunday       5pm - 11 pm
SOURCE: STATSCAN 1996
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM THE 432
i .-- . .- .- i PAGE 8
H       E
3
2
JAN 10,1996
:;1
JOHN TRAVOLTA MOVIE NITE
4:30 - 12:00 • SUB BALLROOM
CHEMISTRY MAGIC SHOW
12:30-1:30-CHEM 150
PHYSSOC PAPER
AIRPLANE CONTEST
HEBB THEATRE * 12:30-1:30
BEYOND FIRST YEAR
SCIENCE
SUB BALLROOM
12:00-2:30
SUS TRIKE RACE
SUB SOUTH PLAZA
1:30-2:30
BIOSOC GYOTAKU • 11:36 - 5:30
TWISTER • SUB 205 • 12:30 -2:30
MICRO HOMEBREW CONTEST
WESBROOK 4:30-6:30
SUS OPEN HOUSE
CHEMB160
(MOVIES, FOOD & FUN!)
9:00 - 5:00
MON
22
TUE
23
WED
24
THU
25
FRI
26
ALL
WEEK
JAN 22
RECEPTION WITH CHRIS
CARTER, EXEC PROD OF THE X-
FlLES AND HONOURARY KING
OF SCIENCE WEEK
2:30-4:30 • SUB PARTYROOM
PRE-MED GURNEY RACE
MAIN MALL OUTSIDE CHEM
11:30-12:30
COMPSCI CAR RALLY
SUB PARTYRM • 6:00 -12:00
BIOSOC CYOTAKU
SUB 207/209 • 12:30 - 5:30
EGG DROP CONTEST
HEBB THEATRE- 12:30-1:30
BIOSOC GYOTAKU
SUB 207/209 • 11:30 - 5:30
SCIENCE WEEK DANCE
WITH RAINBOW BUTT
MONKEYS
7:00 -12:00 SUB BALLROOM
TIX AT TICKETMASTER
DEPARTMENTAL
CONCOURSE DISPLAYS
SUB CONCOURSE
10:30-4:30

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