UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Oct 2, 1996

Item Metadata

Download

Media
the432-1.0000638.pdf
Metadata
JSON: the432-1.0000638.json
JSON-LD: the432-1.0000638-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): the432-1.0000638-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: the432-1.0000638-rdf.json
Turtle: the432-1.0000638-turtle.txt
N-Triples: the432-1.0000638-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: the432-1.0000638-source.json
Full Text
the432-1.0000638-fulltext.txt
Citation
the432-1.0000638.ris

Full Text

 VOLUME TEN ISSUE THREE
02 OKTOBER 1996
si?; *.
1
"Where's Jimmy?" - Teamster's Union Local 614, Pontiac, Ml
:
UBC Rehabilitates
South Campus!
Health office gives UBC failing grade!
i
Johan S. Fibble
Raving Correspondent
VANCOUVER(REUTERS)
After receiving a failing
grade in a recent government sponsored health
study of the south side of campus, UBC Student Health
Services announced today their
four part plan to better public
health conditions.
^WeVe analyzed the problem
and are confident that our solution is both cost effective and
geered towards the best interest
of the students involved" states
Dr. Philip Stores, director of the
UBC South Side Rehabilitation
Project. Dr. Stores hopes that
this project will generally
increase the standard of living
for South Side residents by the
end of 1997.
Part one of the project calls for
attempts to be made to curb the
rapid spread of Hepatitis B
through the sharing of dirty
bzzr mugs.
States Stores, "Bzzr abuse is
rampant throughout this area.
We're opening two bzzr mug
exchanges where students can
trade their dirty mugs in for
clean ones free of charge. One
will be located in the heart of
the problem, in The Cheeze."
Education on Hepatitis is also
paramount to this plan. Courses
will be offered to educate students about the dangers of the
disease and it's method of transfer. Prof. Dan Ackerman, Head
of UBC Virology, explains.
"These courses have actually
been Offered at UBC for the past
three years. However, chronic
low enrollment rates have hindered the development of the
material. But now that we've
changed the name from HEPA
101 to the more attractive BZZR
101 to encourage enrollment,
we've had to add six sections
next semester alone!"
Stage two of the plan calls for
the undertaking of an extensive
South Side clean-up program.
Removal of graffiti from building surfaces and pavement will
be accompanied by tree planting and a new decorative paint
job for the cairn.
"We've found that people tend
to lead healthy lives when they
feel good about their environments and have a strong sense
of community. Hopefully,
pulling everyone together to
improve living conditions will
accomplish this." states Stores.
Prominent landscape architect
Alphonse Demarche has been
contracted to oversee the design
and construction of a new garden between the Electrical
Engineering Building and The
Barn.
Demarche explains the plan
for the area:
"I'm thinking we shall have to
take advantage of the centrality
of this location. Perhaps we
could put a rose garden in the
center of some fabulous shrubbery. If we added a little fence
and a two level effect with a
path down the middle, I think
the result would be absolutely
darling.
"The only problem is that
nasty cairn. It has no geometric
flow to it. Perhaps some ivy
might make it look less obtrusive and easier on the eyes. We
could paint it a nice shade of
blue to offset the pink roses. I
think that would be a tantalizing visual thrill for your eyes."
Stage three outlines a plan for
the purification of contaminated bathing water.
"The water situation is very
severe," states Stores, "We have
actually noted a few instances
were extensive algae growth is
present in water used for
bathing almost daily. This situation is completely unacceptable. This is a major health crisis just waiting to happen. The
pond will have to be completely drained and a new filtration
system will be installed along
with extensive chlorinating to
ensure the algae doesn't come
back."
The quality of drinking water
is also questionable. In fact,
health officials were actually
surprised to find that the local
population was parasite free.
Officials quickly theorized that
the low incidence of parasites
and infectious bacteria in students was probably due to the
fact that most students preferred drinking bzzr over water
as their main liquid source.
The last stage in the four part
project will address the ballooning crime problem facing the
South Side. The problem is no
longer limited to the South Side
and has begun spreading into
neighbouring sectors of campus, notibly the various
Undergraduate Society Offices
around campus, who have
experienced a sharp increase in
break and enters over the summer.
"The problem rarely involves
violent crime," says Const.
Drake Beckman of the UBC
RCMP, "The real problem is
with petty theft and breaking
and entering. Simply put, if it
isn't bolted down,  it's gone.
And if the bolts can be undone,
it isn't bolted down. Most of the
problems occur with no sign of
forced entry. It's almost as if the
suspects had keys."
To combat the rising crime
rate, Const. Beckman has started patrols in the area by the
RCMP instead of UBC Parking
and Security Services.
"Let's face it, PASS is really
good for ticketing unoccupied,
parked cars, but once those cars
start moving, they can be really
hard to catch. That's why we're
starting regular, armed patrols,
"Reports state that most crime
is committed by large gangs of
individuals. These gangs roam
the area, stealing what they can
carry and preying on people
wearing the wrong colours.
Incidents have been reported
where victims were assaulted
for simply wearing a blue hat in
South Campus. Something has
to be done."
Every year, 200 South Side residents can be found unconscious on lawns or stuck to congealed bzzr on the floors of public houses. Stores wants a public
housing program, but has been
told by the NDP that funds originally allocated for the project
have had to be "unexpectedly
returned."
Inside this issue.
• Lots of great cartoons and columns! (all over)
The 432 has recently experienced a boom in contributes. The cream of the crop
h ready to make you chuckle.
• Action Figures! (Page 4)
The 432 has it's own line of action figures. Re-enact history's famous battles or
create some of your own!
• The Official SUS Dead Pool (aka Dead Giveaway)! (Page 5)
Dentil can be fanl Make the nightly news more exciting by betting that James
Earl Jones will be dead before April!
• The Official SUS Hockey Pool! (Page 6)
Can you pin the next Gretzky? Are you willing to put money on it? i
■■■HWJh
The Four Thirty Two
02 Oktober 1996
Buses, trains and
aeroplanes.
Kathryn Murray
Redheaded Columnist
I love things that move on
wheels - bikes, trikes, roller
blades, rolling chairs, scooters - especially if they're moving
really quickly. In my travels this
summer, I rediscovered some
old favorites: buses, trains, and
aeroplanes.
Now most people who know
me know that I hate airplanes
and I avoid them whenever I
can. They have those 3 little
wibbly-wobbly wheels that are
supposed to be enough to get it
to take off and to land on.
Whatever. This summer I had to
take 7, yes 7 separate plane
flights, two of which were 10
hours in length. Got to love
going to visit your family.
The nasty thing about long
plane trips is being crowded like
cattle into a steel tube, strapped
into   uncomfortable,   narrow
chairs and force-fed precooked,
predigested food.  However if
you happen to have a really
friendly,      rather     gorgeous
English-Biology major sitting
beside you and he just happens
to have a passion for chocolate
and likes to share his chocolate
bar and CD collection with you
...... well, lets just say that the
flight  to   England  was  very
pleasant.
Now trains are simply great
things - England, Ireland, most
of Europe in fact - are full of
them. They don't move as fast
as airplanes but you can get on
and off them almost anytime
you want to and you aren't
force-fed anything. You can also
buy chocolate bars on some of
them. Because you can wander
up and down, you can see lots
of people and, as there are so
many people getting off and on,
there is lots of variety to look at,
smile at, talk to, get to know ...
Trains are great!!!!
Buses though, hold a special
place in my heart. I realize that
they have the highest place of
loathing during term time.
They are hot and sticky like a
sauna, more crowded than the
Pit on Pit Night, have less air
than the moon and are almost
never on time. Believe me, I
take the 41 bus along with a lot
of you and I know what it's
like.
However, in or on holidays,
they are a cheap and easy way
to see a city and get to know the
sights. They're really easy to get
on and off of, and they run
almost any time of the day. The
best thing is that really, really
strange people use them who
either talk to themselves, each
other or every one in sight. You
can learn the neatest things
from them, I've been told that I
was a cat in a previous life, that
I'm Queen Elizabeth I reincarnated and that I want to have a
romantic relationship with my
brother. I thought I only had
three sisters, but now...
There are lots of fun things to
do on buses, one fun one is the
people game. You choose a person and stare at them until they
turn around. Instantly, you look
at the person right beside them
and nod your head towards
them. Repeat until first person
starts to stare at the person
beside them to figure out why
on earth you were staring at
them. Every now. and then
laugh softly, as if you can see
something that they can't. Get
off the bus and burst out laugh
ing as you pass them. Get onto
the next bus and repeat. You'd
be surprised at how many people you can either really freak
out, or make temporary allies
out of by doing this. Human
nature is a wonderful thing'to
play with.
However, the best game to play
with buses is the modified form
of dodge car. It's a lot more
challenging than dodge car and
is best played late at night.
What you do is bike up a street
that has a bus route that runs
regularly on it. Start biking up
the street when you can see a
bus coming towards you in the
opposite direction. Chose a
street a few blocks ahead of you
and race the bus to the predetermined street. If you win, you
managed to make a successful
lefthand turn in font of the bus
and you don't have to replace
your bike or your brain. If you
lose, well ... you don't need to
worry about losing again. You
can see the most amazing facial
expressions on BC Transit
employees. I don't really mean
to scare them, it just happens.
And I've never gotten closer to
losing than about 5 feet. Just
ask John about some of the late
night treks up Macdonald
between 39th and 37th.
It was a blast, babes.
There's something to be said
about playing chicken with rapidly moving ten tonne bringevsof
death. Something, but not much.
-ed.
Editorial.
Welcome to the third
installment of
Volume Ten of The
432.1 hope you enjoy it.
There have been a few minor
technical changes since last
issue, but mostly there are more
contests to take part in.
First, there's Find the Flag Part
II. The sage continues as Mikey
stumbles around campus drunk
once again.
If there ever was a reason to
keep valuable things like the
flag under lock and key, Mikey
is it.
Second, the ever popular SUS
Hockey Pool continues. I'd
sign up but last time I choose a
team comprise entirely of
goalies and injured players.
I learnt my lesson.
Finally, we have a new feature.
The SUS Dead Pool aka Dead
Giveaway. The deal is this: you
pick 15 people that you think
are likely to kick the bucket by
April and sign up.
No entry fee and lots of prizes.
We will publish an update on
who's alive and who's pushing
up daisies every issue.
Well, that's it for now. Have
fun and let me know if I offend
you too much with this issue.
Love, luck, and lollipops.
-John
ecently, the AMS decided to fund a
lobby against BC Transit in hopes of
jetting increased bus service to UBC
and a cheaper bus pass for students. The
results of this survey will be forwarded to
AMS council to support the lobbying efforts.
Please fill out this survey and return it to Kathryn Murray
(SUS Public Relations Officer).
What bus do you ride to UBC: 	
Do you have a bus pass: □ Yes      □ No
How long do you usually have to wait for the bus?
Have you ever been left behind
because the bus was full?
Have you ever found the bus to
be unsafely crowded?
Do you feel that there are
enough buses going to UBC?
Why do you ride the bus:
□ Yes      QNo
□ Yes      □ No
□ Yes      □ No
Do you find the rates reasonable? □ Yes      □ No
What (if anything) is BC Transit doing well?
What could BC Transit improve on?
What comments would you like to leave the AMS regarding this issue?
VOLUME TEN ISSUE TWO
18 SEPTEMBER 1996
Grim Reaper
John Hallett
Undertakers-
Jeremy Thorp, Mikey Boetzkes,
Phil Ledwith
Mortuary
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Hearse Driver
Jeff Steinbok
Morticians
Tessa     Arnold,     not     Doug
Beleznay, Leslie Gold, Jake
Gray, Tracy MacKinnon, not
Blair McDonald, Kathryn
Murray, Jason Robillo, not Matt
Wiggin
Extended Epitaph	
The 432 is the official publication of the Science
Undergraduate Society, printed
twice monthly from our dank
grave six feet below the
Chemistry Building.
All views expressed are strictly
those of the individual writers.
If you wish to take legal action
against them, by all means, do
so. But, be warned that they
will most likely claim temporary and/or permanent death
to get out of it. It's happened.
Phil spent 1989 dead for tax
reasons. All rights reserved The
4321996
Writers and columnists from all
faculties are encouraged to submit material to The 432.
Submissions  must  meet  the
strict deadline requirements
and should not exceed 700
words. All submissions must
make the editor chuckle at least
thrice and have your real name
attached (legal stuff) before
being printed.
No celebrities were harmed in
the production of this paper.
(yet): 02 Oktober 1996
The Four Thirty Two
Pace 3
)
The psychology
undergrads.
of
Leslie Gold
Columnist
Attention, attention! this
is a special service
announcement for all
UBC professors who are currently lecturing to students in
the faculty of science. Could all
UBC Science professors please
immediately drop the undergrad assignment they are currently chuckling over, or the
impossibly hard midterm they
are in the midst of concocting,
and listen up?
The issue that I want to deal
with is class participation or,
more specifically, the lack thereof. I have a tip for you: think
very carefully before asking any
questions of the roomful of
undergrads in front of you. Ask
yourself what you are hoping to
accomplish in asking this question. Are you hoping that the
question will be a pivotal point
in the lecture that will provoke
thoughtful and mature discussion in which we can exchange
ideas and gather new knowledge?
If so, good luck, I've heard that
it works really well on the Polka
Dot Door. If it is a rhetorical
question that is meant to just
add some spice to the general
flavor of the lecture then that's
fine as long as you recognize
that and move on sans answer.
This, in my three years of
undergrad experience, is where
professors run into trouble.
Time and time again I see professors wringing their hands in
obvious distress about the ignorance that they feel is abound in
their classroom. They wonder,
how can people in fourth year
science not know this simple,
basic fact? Why is no one able
to answer this trivial question?
The question can be anything... What is the only class of
animals that gives birth to live
young?... Give me an example
of a mammal. ... Are humans
mammals? Is anybody in this
room taking in any oxygen
besides myself?
It doesn't matter, none of
them are going to provoke a
response. I want to end all of
your collective miseries by publicly stating that we do know;
we're just not sharing. When
you stand in front of the room
and ask a question like "What is
the process by which the vast
majority of carbon on our planet is fixed?", a variety of things
are going through our heads
(which, in our defense, is marginally better than having
absolutely nothing going
through our heads):
1. The ultracool among us are
thinking: 'Right, like I'm going
to put my hand up and say
"ooooh ooooh pick me, pick
me, I'm oh so smart, I know, it's
photosynthesis" as if everybody
else in the room hasn't known
that since they came out of the
womb. How much of a geek
would I look like then?
thinking : "ooooh ooooh, I
know, I know, it's photosynthesis, I mean I think it's photosynthesis (at this point the
hand which was only slightly
above the shoulder to begin
with goes back down onto the
desk), what if it isn't photosynthesis? This is way too easy,
there's got to be some kind of
trick... you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get
these trick questions by me, I'm
going home right after class to
look that up, it's definitely
going to be on the exam."
3. The artsies among us are
thinking: "Okay, that absolutely
clinches it, there's just no way
this is History of Basket
Weaving Part II, it's been two
months and we haven't even
mentioned wicker or straw even
once."
I suppose that I have just
implied that undergrads are
either all obnoxious, schizophrenic, or in the wrong room,
which, to be fair to my friends,
isn't entirely true.
Some of us are having lunch,
some of us didn't hear the question, some of us are hungover,
some of us are asleep and yes,
probably some of us don't
know.
My point is that teaching
undergrads involves having
some insight into mob psychology (might I suggest sitting in
on but not participating in a
psych 100 class?). Think of us
sheep waiting to be nudged in a
certain direction.
can get one of us to speak up
then chances are we'll all jump
on the bandwagon and you
won't be able to get us to shut-
up. But the right trigger question must be asked in order to
get that one, first brave soul to
open their mouth. One idea
might be to ask an impossibly
hard question, you won't get
the artsies or the paranoids
coming out but the supercool
know that they'll get supercool/intelligence points for
even trying.
I hope this helps because
when I see you professors in
obvious distress at the front of
the lecture hall, it makes me sad
enough for you that I want to
get up and give you all big comforting hugs, and I'm pretty
sure that there's a rule against
that somewhere.
Then there are the classes that I
attend in which the prof asks a
decently hard question and a student answers. The answer is
invaribly not quite what the prof
was looking for, but not wrong
enough to be laughed away.
That's not so bad, it's when the
prof holds out for the right answer
that things start to slide:
"Noooooo... not quite, think more
chemcally related. Like with
water."
The next answer is also right,
but not quite what the prof wanted. And the cycle continues...
-ed.
2. The paranoid among us are      The good news is that if you
Bjorn the evil waiter.
Let me tell you a story. Last
Saturday night it was
Frenchy's birthday. I
should probably start this story
with an explanation of who
Frenchy is and why his birthday
is so important.
Frenchy's real name is
Matthieu, he is French (continental, not Canadien), and
loves to party. His parents
recently went on vacation for a
month and left him $300 for
miscellaneous food expenses. It
took Frenchy about ten seconds
to ad up nutritional expenses
for a month and notice the difference between that number
and $300. Twenty minutes later
(before his parents had even
reached the airport), he was at
the nearest Liquor Store (4th
and Alma) purchasing $250
worth of bzzr.
Every Wednesday and Friday
night that month saw a great
big party at Frenchy's. In fact,
this month was so happy that
we declared it to be a cultural
festival and named it
"FrenchyFest '96". We even
applied for a cultural enhance
ment grant from the government, but they didn't buy into
our story. We're thinking about
selling tickets for next year.
Then there was the cabin trip.
Four fun filled days far beyond
the reach of any noise bylaw. I
remember going on a bzzr run
Saturday and trying to explain
to the cashier that I was not a
ravenous alcoholic while simultaneously buying six cases of
bzzr. Frenchy was the genius
that came up with our back-to-
nature bzzr storage strategy. We
threw our bzzr a nearby creek.
Mmmmmm... mountain fresh.
That's enough background
information on Frenchy.
So the time rolled around for
Frenchy's 19th birthday. A careful examination of the event
was carried out and the decision
was made to organize a pub
crawl. An extensive survey of
West Side pubs was conducted
and a route selected.
The first stop on our mystic
(rather, misty) journey was The
Pit. Not much happened at The
Pit, nothing ever really happens
at The Pit.
Next was the first of two
Culpeppers on our journey. At
this point we decided to declare
a theme bzzr for each pub.
Culpeppers' was Kilkenny Irish
Red. Frenchy wishes to extend
his sincere thanks to the nice
waitress that slipped him 20 oz.
of Kilkenny as a birthday present.
That is essentially the reasoning behind a birthday pub
crawl. Every bar you visit gives
you a free birthday drink. The
more bars you visit, the more
free drinks you get. You're
beginning to see the strategy of
the night. .
Next was Lou's Bar and Grill,
where I introduced Frenchy to a
dry gin martini over a pitcher of
Shafebury Cream Ale. It was
generally agreed upon that martinis are drinks bestJeft to rich
corporate executive types.
Although the olives are rather
pleasant if you let them absorb
the gin for about a half hour.
Live entertainment was the
theme at the second Culpeppers
where all fifteen of us found
ourselves shouting
'Arrrrrggghhhhhhh' to the tune
of Pirate on the River
Saskatchewan. In reflection, I'm
rather surprised we weren't
booted out. But I suppose that
Culpeppers just kind of expects
this sort of thing when their
major draw is being an Irish Pub
with live entertainment lots of
good bzzr.
At the Fringe (conveniently
across the street), we discovered
an open bowl of raw brown
sugar on the table. Why it was
there confused us, but we soon
discovered that drunk and
hyper are a bad combination.
Two folks were nice enough to
change seats and let us have
that cool little back room. I
have a theory on why these little rooms exist in bars. It's so
that really drunk people never
have to deal with too much
going on in their immediate
vicinity. When you don't have
to '..'focus'■ on anything further
away than three feet, dealing
with things while drunk
becomes a lot easier. ..„
At Fogs we met Bjorn, the
Walter from Hell. It's.-not'that
Bjorn'was a mean individual, in
fact, he was rather pleasant. The
problem was when Orin
ordered a dozen Suicide Wings.
Fogs is famous for its Suicide
Wings. They are rather tasty for
someone that likes hot food
and rather painful for someone
who doesn't.
I heard Orin order the wings
and piped up "Suicide Wings?
Count me in! In fact, Bjorn, can
FLAG!
(PART II)
THE DEAL
Our limited edition 432 flag
is hidden somewhere on
campus. Find it, bring it to
SUS and you will reap
rewards and treasures
beyond your wildest fantasy.
PRIZES
We offer the following
awards:
• 2 limited edition 432 T-
shirts
• 2 tickets to SUSs'
Oktoberfest (Oct. 18th)
• 2 Official Science Bzzr
Mugs
• 2 free bzzrs at Oktoberfest
to fill your free mugs
HINTS
Marked on the map is the
location where we found
Mikey Wednesday morning.
Since he was the last one
with the flag, it should be
somewhere close by.
we   get   extra   spicy   Suicide
Wings? Can you make me cry?"
<start Swedish accent>
Bjorn: "Jah, spicy extra is gud.
Maybe ve get Make Yii Cri
Wings? Is special wings!"
Me: "Make You Cry Wings?
Sounds perfect! Two dozen
please!"
Bjorn: "Jah. Be here real fast,
they will."
Shortly thereafter, Bjorn
appeared carrying a plate of
wings bearing the deep cherry
glow of molten lava just before
it spills out of the volcano and
engulfs a small Belizian village.
Needless to say, these were the
hottest wings that I've ever had
the pleasure of eating. Jer and
Ian raced to the bathroom to
soak their mouths for 30 minutes, Angela passed out simply
from the smell, and the cat we
fed one to died.
PS: I cried. 4
Page 4
The Four Thirty Two
02 Oktober 1996
OH Y arrite, Skossh?
Phil Ledwith
Shiny Bald Columnist
(Note: this article is for Jer, who
told me to write this while hammered out of his skull during
Frenchy's birthday pub crawl last
Saturday.)
You can't tell while reading
this, but it's been noted
that I have an accent. Or
rather, several accents, depending on how much blood is still
present in my alcohol stream.
This is not because I am trying
to pull women - if I wanted to
do that, I'd become the sound
guy for a band - but because I
was born with it; I'm from the
UK. To be really exact, My family presently lives In
Greystones, in the south of
Ireland. My Father is himself
Irish and comes from a long
line of Irish catholics; my mother is a Scottish protestant.
When relatives from distant
corners of my family meet, the
earth cracks open and fire
spurts forth furtively.
Normality, being the kind of
shy withdrawn sort of a guy I
am, I wouldn't even mention
this at all; But it's getting late,
I'm starting to hallucinate from
lack of sleep, and I still don't
have a real subject for this article, so I'm just going to get on
with it and hope nobody really
notices what a lame cop out this
is. Anyway, I've got an accent.
Keep that in mind as you read
this, as it will provide a necces-
sary topical background. From
time to time I'll remind you of
it. For example, the first sentence might read: " Ye cannae
tel whyle reedin this, like, but
it's bin noatissed tha' Ah've
goat a wee accent".
This summer, I had the dubious pleasure of being invited
back home to see my parents.
On the one hand, this is really
great; free food for two months
and no need to pay rent, a large
number of free drinks from my
various relatives who haven't
seen me in over three years. Oh,
and lots of    attractive young
women hanging on my every
word as I tell them about how I
met that guy from the X-files
while waiting to go see a film at
the Ridge, and life with all the
other astronauts in the space
program. On the other hand, I
get to explain to my parents
why it is that I didn't graduate
last year. Or the year before
that. Or the year... well, you get
the point.
One of the big reasons I went
over was my uncle Larry's
impendidng death and funeral.
Now, uncle Larry was a really
great guy, and we had been
pretty close for years - this was
the guy who packed me off to
Canada with two bottles of
Drambuie. And back home
among my family, when someone goes and pops their clogs
like this we like to have a party
to end all parties when we see
them off. I wanted to get there
before. He snuffed it and tell
him he was oil rite, ye no, but
even if He was already dead
when I got there there was just
no way I was missing the wake
and the Funeral.
Well, to cut a long story off at
the knees, so tae speak, it went
like this: I landed in Glasgow,
and went to see my friend
Fiona's graduation from Med
school, some of which I still
remember. I somehow got on a
boat to Belfast, along with two
traffic cones and a stuffed animal, which might have been
indigenous to the British Isles.
Belfast was louder than I expected because of the riots, which
started on the same day I
arrived and ended three days
after I left (in some other article
I'll tell you all about the amazing luck of the Irish and what
this has to do with Bull's excrement. I'll also tell you about
Anna and her new theory of
alternative driving, which rests
on the theory that fish tailing is
actually a superior mode of
travel and enhances your appreciation of the finer qualities of
the road, like the side that the
oncoming traffic drives on). I
stayed in Belfast for far too
long, then my parents picked
me up and drove me back down
to the south, and my beloved
home, and my beloved room,
and my beloved dog.
My beloved home had become
part of a rapidly expanding
council estate. My beloved
room had been rented out to a
Spanish student whose name
could not be pronounced without adding two litres of phlegm
from the back of your throat to
the "new" carpet (which my
parents were quick to point out
was not stolen). My beloved
dog bit me as I walked towards
the house, and did not recognise me for almost the entire
length of my stay. Man's best
friend, My arse. Oh, and having
wasted all that time getting
here, I'd missed Uncle Larry's
expiration and Exhumation.
"Nevir Mind, son" ma mum
sed te me, like. " ye ken alius go
oot wi yer sisters an' have a wee
drink in his memory anyway,
like". Spent the rest of the holiday painting sheep and tipping
cows.
Damn, it's good tae be bak
hoam.
Despite the fact that most of this
article was written in half Gaelic,
it is completely legable when read
with an accent in mind.
Phil is, perhaps, the single
strangest person I have ever had
the pleasure of meeting.
Most writers for The 432 (myself
included) blatently make up wild
stories about strange things.
Phil is one of a hand full that
report events as they actually happen. It's weird, kinda scary and
well... it's Phil.
-ed.
OfPfCfAL
fifiMOVS P£OPt£m,>
Aertot/ FfGUResf
c<t4IYA P£p^_
3-pP* i JSOHV A.
p^jotJ^ T*tfA$'
ReuYemstorYs e&msr BAmes, Payarott/
tak£s out we wee*/?  7ke pops rumbles
WfTHSMBAD O'CO/MOR/  AM TM AYATQUAH
GOiS  CRAZY,   CRAZY,   CRAZY AMD  BOMBS
eveRYBODYf Oer twm au at your fAYOR/re
TOYSTORef
(The POPtS BfG-ARSeD HAT AND HOLY HAHD GRMAO£
solo sepeRATay)
M<-
acxcucc
•XKAPRESS YOUR FRlENPS/
•5WKJWER YOUR WEWES.'
•CONFUSE YOUR MOTHER.'
THE fOUR BASIC IIEMENTS
Erwin Schrodinger's other wave function.
for a liinlted time only! 02 Oktober 1996
The Four Thirty Two
PaSeS
>
The offcial 432 mental
competency test.
Exams are        rapidly
approaching. Stress is up.
General happiness is
down. We at The 432 have
decided to create a test that you
can take every morning to see if
you still legally endure another
day of class. While you probably won't be able to get out of a
midterm with it, but knowing
that you're still sane may prove
to be comforting. (Or terribly
disappointing, depending on
your viewpoint.)
First, you must take the test to
the right. Just jot down the four
numbers that best correspond
to your opinion on the ink
blots, and add them up. It's that
simple!
Anyway, here's how you score:
16-20 - Stay home. Avoid
stressful situations, shiny stuff,
and sharp weapons that talk.
11-15 - It's going to be tough,
but you should still make a go
at school. Answer lots of questions in class and try not to talk
to yourself too much.
5-10 - You are sane. You are so
terribly, disappointingly sane
that should probably take six
hits of acid and write this exam
again.
FIGURE A.
FIGURE B.
Figure A looks most like:
1. It's just an ink splot, and
not a good one at that.
2. A fly. A funky fly, but a fly
none-the-less.
3. Flies! Flies! They're everywhere! Get them off me!
4. Elvis serenading Mary Tyler
Moore.
5. A giant bengal tiger wearing
a tutu leaping out of the page
while singing 'Mary had a little
lamb' in your mother's voice.
Figure B looks most like:
1. ^. fly. In fact, several flies.
2. Screen door. (Too many
flies around.)
3. Yet another radioactive
plant that your mother is trying to pawn off on you. (Venus
Fly Trap)
4. A hideously deformed
trarantula breathing heavily.
5. Mother Theresa of Culcutta
trying to steal your last 50g of
crack cocaine.
FIGURE C.
¥^¥
FIGURE D.
Figure C looks most like:
1. A water toy.
2. A face. Kinda like my mother-in-law, actually. Scary.
3. That piece of Inuit art that
Jean Cretien used to defend his
house from that would-be
assassin (Damn! -ed.).
4. An ancient coyote spirit
that commands me to urinate
on things in public.
5. They're in the house again!
They're in the house again! Get
the gun! (They were never
caught, you know, -ed.)
Figure D looks most like:
1. That ridiculous vase that
my mother is trying to pawn
off on me.
2. Jimmy Hoffa. (Now)
3. Aliens. They come out of
the TV at night, you know.
4. It's the birds! The birds!
They're clawing out my eyes!
5. That face that appears to
me in my dreams and demands
that I venture forth and
'cleanse' the world.
t*
99
Dead Giveaway.
The 432 Dead Pool.
Disclaimer : As contests go, this one is pretty tasteless. If you are the sort of person who can't
handle that, don't read it. If you read it anyway don't come whining to us. We warned you.
Finally, the 432 has come up with a contest to appeal to the morbid little f(expletive deleted)er in each of us.
The rules are simple: You contact us with a list of fifteen people who have had the extreme bad taste not to join the
choir invisible yet. we keep the list, and every time time someone on it kicks the bucket you get a point. THEY CAN
NOT DIE BEFORE MIDNIGHT NOV 1 because that's when the competition starts, but anyone can join at any time after
that. When we publish the last 432 we will print the winners and give them prizes beyond their wildest dreams. Entry
is completely free, and at the very least you will win tickets to the arts county fair: What have you got to lose? Only fifteen stupid names, and most of them are well on their way anyhow.
You may be having ideas thinking of people at this point, so here's the official 432 hotlist of 101 promising
people for the role of corpse apparent:
Chuck Jones (animator)
James Earl Jones (actor)
Dr. Jack Kevorkian (Doctor
Death)
Eartha Kitt
Evel Kriievel — damaged
goods, but alive
Jack Lemmon (actor)
jerry Lewis (actor)
Rich Little (impressionnist)
Jack Lord (actor)
Shirley MacLaine (actress) —
alive, again.
Benoit Mandelbrot (mathematician)
Marcel Marseau (mime)
Dick Martin (comedian)
Paul McCartney (singer) —
alive. More or less.
Leonard Nimoy (actor)
Peter O' Toole (actor)
Jack Palance (actor)
Richard Pryor (comedian)
Christopher Reeve (actor)
alive, paralysed
Keith Richards (rolling stone)
alive. Amazing, isn't it?
Fred Rogers — still living in
the neighbourhood
William Shatner (alleged actor,
alleged author, alleged singer)
Salman Rushdie (author)
Frank Sinatra (singer)
Buzz Aldrin (astronaut)
Muhammad Ali (boxer)
Mary Tyler Moore (actress)
Jimmy Hoffa jr.
Bob Barker (game show Host)
Mikhail Barishinikov (dancer)
Ned Beatty (actor)
Dirk Benedict (actor)
Robert Blake (actor)
Victor Borge (comedian)
Ernest Borgnine (actor)
Tom Bosley (actor)
Ray Bradbury (author)
Marlon Brando (actor)
Wiliam Brennan (jurist)
Todd Bridges (actor)
Benjamin Spock (doctor)
Jean Stapleton(actress)
Ringo Starr (singer)
Harold Stassen (politician)
Cat Stevens (singer)
Elizabeth Taylor (actress)
Rip Taylor (actor)
Strom Thurmond (politician)
Alex Trebec (game show host)
Dick Van Dyke (actor)
Caspar Wienberger (politician)
Tuesday Weld (actress)
Orson Welles (actor/director)
Adam West (actor)
Betty White (actress)
Johhny Whitaker (child actor)
Ted Williams (athlete)
Alistair Cooke (masterpiece
theatre introducer)
William S Burroughs (author)
Red Buttons (actor)
George Carlin (comedian)
Art Carney (actor)
Jimmy Carter (politician)
Jack Cassidy (musician)
Tom Chapin (singer)
Arthur C Clarke (author)
Dick Clark(world's oldest
teenager)
John Cleese (comedian)
Clark Clifford (politician)
Gary Coleman (actor)
Perry Como (singer)
Robert Conrad (actor)
John Horton Conway (mathe
matician)
Jackie Cooper
Ellen Corby
Walter "Bud" Cort (actor)
Jaques -Yves Cousteau (scientist)
Doris Day (actress)
Deng Xiopeng (politician) —
not at all well
Bob Denver (artor)
John Denver (singer)
Joyce Dewittt (actress)
Joe DiMaggio (athlete)
Antoine "fats" Domino (musician)
Kirk Douglas (actor)
Buddy. Ebsen (actor)
Anthony Edwards (actor)
Douglas Fairbanks jr. (actor)
Harlan Ellison (author)
Erik Estrada (actor)
Peter Falk (actor)
Betty Ford (political Spouse)
James Garner (actor)
John Gielgud (british Actor)
Terry Gilliam(animator/direc-
tor)
Mikhail Gorbachev (politician)
Alec Guinness (actor)
Larry Hagman (actor)
George Harrison (musician)
DeForest Kelly (actor) —He's
alive, Jim.
Various Kennedy's
Tuk the Polar Bear
Spud Mackenzie
Abigaile VanBuren (Dear
Abby)
Bob Sagat (Please?)
Yoko Ono (Pretty Please?)
Let me stress that just because someone isn't on this list, doesn't mean you can't have them on yours. As long as they are reasonably famous, we don't mind; and as long as they are still
breathing, they qualify. You can email me a list at ledwithSunixgiubc.ca, ledwidth@physics.ubc.ca, or you can drop the list off at Chem 160. As people start to snuff it we will publish an official
list of famous ex people, along with dates and causes of death. If we miss someone, let us know. Special Bonus: submit with your article an impossible prediction, and if it comes true before the
school year ends you automatically get to come into the SUS offices and walk away with as much as you can carry. If we think you have a really sound idea we'll give you some prize or other anyway,
because we like you so much. Example: "I predict that, after sumo wrestlers assassinate Bob Dole, Debbie Gibson's love child conceived by Kurt Cobain will step in and gain a landslide victory in the
American presidential elections. He will dissolve Congress and set up a new communist regime."
NOTE: The Grim Reaper, his relatives and his associates are summarily barred from entry in this or any related contest involving the unexpected expiration of various famous people or the contestants who bid on them. Use of Jo Jo's psychic hotline to obtain your list of fifteen is, however, perfectly fine. 4
Pace 6
The Four Thirty Two
02 October J996
Hockey, eh?
SoCo.
Orin del Vecchio
New York Sports Columnist
As an avid reader of The
432, I've been disappointed in the lack of
sports articles in the recent
issues. To solve this glaring
omission, I decided to take a
break from my Molson and
Molson (beer and hockey to you
pocket-protector types) and wax
poetic on the greatest Canadian
creation of all time ... Hockey.
•dnsert Molson commercial
hero
Now people who follow hockey are called fans. Fans come in
two types: true fans and everyone else. The following are signs
of a true hockey fan :
1) Always pick your favorite
team to win the Stanley Cup.
Winning the division/conference/league is optional.
True fans know the playoffs are
the only results that counts
(Red Wimps, er, Wings anybody?). Even if your team has
missed the playoffs five straight
years, lost their best player to
free agency and fired their
coach before the end of training
camp, they're still your team.
And they're gonna win. Really.
2) Don Cherry is either "a
genius" or "full of shit" depending on who he is talking to or
about.
Don Cherry knows a lot about
the fundamentals of hockey. He
is also about as diplomatic as a
rabid pit bull. He is a Cup-winning coach, so he deserves some
respect. But anybody who kisses
Doug Gilmour is shooting a few
feet wide of the net. There are
no gray areas in hockey, except
after a blow to the head.
3) You own two or more season
preview type publications
(hockey pool issues included).
This is mostly to inspire many
Molson-fueled discussions
about the many errors contain
therein ("100 points for
Bondra? Maybe back in the
IHL."). They are all published
one or two months in advance,
so any late-breaking news or big
trades (Roy? Roy!) will invalidate everything they say.
4) You know all the words to
the Stompin' Tom Connors
song "The Good Ol' Hockey
Game".
This song is a vital piece of
hockey (i.e. Canadian) history,
along with "Rock 'n Roll Part 2"
and the Hockey Night in
Canada theme. 'Nuff said.
(Note:  Not quite.  American
.fans are exempt, but only if
they can name every player on
the 1980 Miracle on Ice team,
including the backup goalie.)
5) Knowing all the rules for
video replay and penalty shots.
The refs and announcers
always get it wrong.
Anyone not following the
above guidelines is either a
sportswriter or a bandwag-
onner. Simple, eh? As for the
game itself, all you need to
know should has been genetically encoded at birth. If you
don't know what hockey is, I
don't know you.
Now, the next time somebody
starts proclaiming god-given
truths about the world's greatest
sport, you can use these guidelines to determine if they are a
true fan or just someone whose
seen too many Mighty Ducks
movies (or games, for that matter). Enjoy the season, and keep
your stick on the ice (sorry,
Red).
Oh yeah, join the SUS hockey
pool. It's cheap, and I really
could use the money. 'Cause
I'm gonna win. Really.
Orin is so absorbed with sports
that it's scary. The day he isn't
wearing some sort of New York
sports paraphernalia is the day
the nice folks at the hospital dress
him instead.
-ed.
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator (Bzzr Guy)
Well it's time to write
another report to
show that I have done
something useful in the last two
weeks. I haven't really done
anything important except
sample the many types of beer
that are available at numerous
locations on campus. Now as
soon as I could convince the
counsel that this is important
research and I should be compensated for all of these expenses I will be really happy. This, of
course/could take a little bit of
work but I'm going to keep
working on it.
Well anyway in other news
there is going to-be a SUS bzzr
garden on Oktober 18 called
Oktoberfest. Now I realize that
some clubs (like the bzzr gardening club) think that this is a
weird name for^a^ bzzr garden. I
don't know, I fust don't see it.
Now at this gardening event
we will be introducing our
newest instrurnents for the consumption of necessary liquid
substances, like perhaps, well...
hmmmmm;. beer. '"-
Unlike other clubs and groups
who like to sell either cheap
three or four use 12 oz cups for
$.25 or the sort of sturdy 14 oz
cups for a buck we will be sell
ing the largest possible size of
beer stein available that is
allowed within the SUB. Any
bigger and you have to buy
glass, which creates problems
anywhere in the SUB.
We will be selling 22 oz beer
steins for some amount that is
currently unknown to me. Now
unlike other clubs or constituencies (wow my big word
for the month) who like to fill
steins this size by filling them
one bzzr at a time, these will be
filled with one bzzr ticket for all
SUS. bzzr gardens for all of eternity or until the steins have
decomposed into worthless little beads of nothing important.
These steins are going to be
available only at Oktoberfest
and there will be limited quantities. They will be available in
the designer colour of blue for
no apparent reason. Now
Oktoberfest will also be visited
by at least one band. Which
band that is has not been determined as of yet but I'm working
on that, I really am. So you'll
just have to wait and see. Well
tickets for Oktoberfest will be
somewhere around $5 each,
again I don't really know what
the final cost is so well yeah.
Well that's about all that I have
to say so I'll tell you everything
else in the next issue just in case
I don't do anything before then.
1996-97 SUS Hockey Pool
B0X1
□ M. Lemieux
161
□ J.Jagr
149
□ E. Lindros
115
□ J. Sakic
120
□ P. Forsberg
116
B0X2
□ A. Mogilny
107
□ P. Kariya
108
□ T. Selanne
108
□ R. Francis
119
□ P. Bure
—
BOX 3
□ S. Federov
107
□ T. Fleury
96
□ W. Gretzky
102
□ D. Weight
104
□ M. Messier
99
BOX 4
□ K. Tkachuk
98
□ P.Nedved
99
□ S. Yzermari
95
□ J. LeClair
97
□ P. Turgeon
96
BOX 5
□ B. Hull
83
□ M. Sundin
83
□ R.Brind'Amour87
□ V. Kamensky
85
□ Z. Palffy
8/
BOX 6
□ V. Damphousse
94
□ P. LaFontaine
91
□ A. Oates
92
□ P.Verbeek
82
□ C.Janney
82
BOX 7
□ B. Shanahan
78
Q P. Bondra
80
□ T. Linden
80
□ M. Recchi
78
□ D. Gilmour
72
BOX 8
□ M. Renberg
43
□ A. Zhamnov
59
□ A. Yashin
39
□ J. Arnott
59
□ T. Green
69
BOX 9
□ V. Kozlov
73
□ J. Roenick
67
□ O. Nolan
69
CI C. Lemieux
71
□ J. Juneau
64
BOX 10
□ B. Leetch
85
□ P. Bourque
82
□ N. Lidstrom
67
□ P.Coffey
□ C. Chelios
74
72
BOX 11
□ S.Zubov
66
□ R. Hamrlik
65
□ P. Housley
68
□ A. Maclnnis
61
□ S. Ozolinsh
54
BOX 12
□ R. Svehla
57
Q J. Brown
55
□ J. Lumme
54
□ G. Galley
54
□ E. Desjardins
47
BOX 13
□ M. Ragnarsson
39
□ P. Sykora
□ E. Daze
42
53
□ A.Nikolishin
51
□ S. Koivu
45
BOX 14
□ R.Dvorak
27
Q P. Demiira
17
□ J. Iginla
□ B.Berard
_
_
□ C. Kilger
17
NAME
TEAM NAME
PHONE #_
E-MAIL
RULES
Choose one player
from each box.
Fill out this form and return it to
Aarne or Orin in CHEM Bl 60.
There is a $5 entry fee.
Prizes will be:
lstplace: 60%, 2nd place: 30%,
3rd place: 10%, last place: 10%
In the event of a tie:
Thelst/2ndor
2nd/3rd prizes will be combined
and split evenly.
Trades: Two trades
(reselections)will be allowed, but
must be completed before
January 6th, 1997
Entry deadline: Fri, Oct 4th.
For info or assistance, contact
Aarne (aarne@unixg.ubc.ca) or
Orin (orin@unixg.ubc.caj, or call
them at 822-4235. 02 Oktober 1996
The Four Thirty Two
Page 7
)
BXXR GARDEMXN& AT
UBC XS ABOUT TO
CNAtfGE FOREVER
INTRODUCING THE NEW SCIENCE
BZZR MUG.
THE NEW STANDARD IN LIQUID
DISTRIBUTION TECHNOLOGY.
FEATURES:
• 22 OZ CAPACITY
• STURDY PLASTIC CASING
• 22 OZ CAPACITY
• ATTRACTIVE SCIENCE LOGO
• 22 OZ CAPACITY
• ALWAYS FILLED FOR ONE TICKET AT SCIENCE EVENTS!
• 22 OZ CAPACITY
FROM SCIENCE SALES
The prez
The Faculty of Science Presents
A Lecture Series
for ALL Science
Undergraduates
It's new and it's for you!
A sea monster
a day
keepsthe
Oceanographer
awake i <
of   discover";:
Cryptozoology ( "sea monsters")
and other Examples"
A Science  First I Lecture by
Dr. Paul LeBlond
Department of Earth and Ocean S ci ences
■ Thursday, 3 October 1996
• 1:00 p-m. - 2:00 p.m.
• IRC Lecture Hall 6
PHRTICIPHTE
Questions? Call 822-9876
All submissions to The 432 must
be in Chemistry B160 no later
than:
09 October 1996
4:32pm
"I will personnally hunt down and
kill those who miss the deadline."
,   - The Editor
Sam Arnold
Columnist
I'm positive that I wrote an article only last week, but John
insists that it was two weeks ago. Deadlines come so much
faster than any other event (yes, I have midterms starting next
week). Upcoming in SUS are our Council Elections. Elections will
be on October 9-1 Ith in various science buildings, so be sure to
vote!
It's a little difficult to write my article since we got a new computer
in the office, and this computer has enough memory to run the
complex games that the boys of SUS love so much. So there's a
crowd of guys around me, and you think that I'd be happy, but
they're only interested in watching Jer play Marathon. I have a
sneaking suspicion that John only said he needed the computer for
the paper, when really it's just so all The 432 guys can play games
on it. I wish Aarne would quit leaning on my computer screen in
an effort to better view Jer's proficiency at Marathon. Help me!
Okay, that aside, there's really not much going on right now. We
got a new printer, the aforementioned computer, and a new phone
line (with a nifty high-tech phone that even rings!). As always, feel
free to stop by and check your e-mail, make a call, use the computers, photocopy notes, microwave your lunch or just sit on the
couch. See you here (Chem 160)!
Huh?
Jake Gray
Rather, no, extremely weird columnist
We all think about it. You see all guys are envious of
women. I think that's the reason men have always tried
to dominate women. You see contrary to popular belief,
men are not stupid, or at least most men aren't stupid, okay some
men aren't stupid. We know that women have all the advantages.
Okay so we can pee standing up, but that's about it. We can't have
kids, we sink, our chests are underdeveloped, and we smell. Now
I'm not saying I'd like to go out and have the old swithcheroo,
because quite frankly I enjoy not having to squat to relieve myself,
so all I'm asking for is a shot at being pregnant. Is that so much to
ask? Just to have the chance.
I dort't want to shoot guys down too much because, as we all
know, or hopefully we all know, that they are a key part of the
equation, but quite honestly we're not needed for the full meal
deal. We're only necessary for the ordering, so to speak. That analogy's not very good because you know what you're getting when
you order a full meal deal. Having a kid could be like ordering a Big
Mac Combo™ or it could be like a hamburger falling on you from
an aircraft passing overhead. That's a better analogy cause you can
hear an aircraft coming but you might not get hit by a hamburger
everytime a plane goes by and if you were wearing a helmet you'd
be alright anyway unless the helmet somehow slipped through the
quality control checks and crumbles to useless mass of post industrial toxic goo when confronted with the force of a hamburger
falling from ten thousand feet.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you buy a helmet
you should buy a good brand name that you trust.
"Will that be AC or DC?" .
This side of the page
has been put aside to
appease our all-knowing Martian over-lords,
who would like to
remind all of
humankind that we are
merely slaves to their
mighty powers, and
that in mere days, the
planet which we know
as Earth will be effectively destroyed by
fleet upon fleet of technologically superior
spacecraft, which will
immediately reign terror upon every major
urban centre, sending
our entire global community into complete
and utter panic, the
likes of which has
never been seen
(unless, of course, you |
count the cataclysm-
that is, if you believe in
that kind of thing-
which we most definitely do, especially since
Batman™ moved into
our toaster) and probably never will be seen,
unless of course a bigger fleet comes from
some other distant
galaxy, and proceeds
to suck our devastated
corpse of a planet dry
of any mineral
resources the Martians
may have overseen,
enslaving the pathetic
remnants of the population in the process,
forcing them to work in
their horribly smelly
guano mines until the
end of eternity.
Thank you. 4
Page 8
The Four Thirty Two
02 Oktober 1996
Tales from a trailer park.
Jeremy
THORP
I don't live in a trailer park,
but I have seen Elvis. He was
at the bus-stop on Cornwall
and Burrard, and he was playing his guitar. I looked at him,
he looked at me, then we drove
away, leaving the King alone to
wait for the #22 Knight.
To tell you the truth, the whole
encounter was somewhat of a
disappointment. After years of
perusing tabloid articles in
Safeway line-ups, I always envisioned an Elvis-sighting as a
truly exciting event — one that
would change my life forever. I
would walk into a donut store
somewhere, and Elvis would be
behind the counter, sequins
and all. He'd be under a spotlight, and when I got to the
counter, he'd sway his hips,
give me a sneer, and ask me in a
smooth Tennessee accent if I
wanted sprinkles.
Then, a small piece of his
power would pass into me, and
I'd be forever changed. My
apartment would become a
mecca to the King, with a collection of Elvis paraphernalia
that would make the entire
town of Graceland look like a
cheap souvenir booth. I'd spend
my weekends at Elvis conventions,   decked  out   in  white
leather, eating fried bananas
and buying blue suede shoes.
Life would be one big fried-
food-eating, pill-popping, TV-
shooting party.
Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way. At first, the whole
encounter didn't affect me at
all. Elvis just sort of melded into
his surroundings, if that's at all
possible: some pretty trees, a
fuzzy dog, Elvis, a pizza place,
and a guy with a cool hat. It
wasn't until three minutes later
that my brain finally processed
these observations. What was
that middle thing? After the
dog, and before the pizza? Elvis?
The King of rock and roll? Wow.
Of course, the driver of the car
didn't believe me. I didn't
expect him to — if he had told
me he'd seen Elvis at a bus stop,
I'd probably assume he'd
stopped taking his medication
again. I'd tease him about having to wear a helmet in his rubber room, he'd punch me in the
arm, and we'd be on our way.
He was a bit more subtle.
"Hey, I just saw Elvis at the bus
stop!" I exclaimed, excitedly.
"Yeah, so did I," replied the
driver, keeping his eyes on the
bustling down town traffic.
"Really?" I asked, pleased that I
had a witness.
"Sure," he said, the sarcasm
only now emerging from an
innocent background.  "And I
saw James Dean in McDonald's.
He was ordering a Big Mac from
Kurt Cobain." '
I punched him in the arm, and
we were on our way. The driver,
of course, spent the next thirty
minutes teasing me mercilessly.
He laughed so hard, he couldn't
keep the car in the correct lane,
and as a result, we were pulled
over. Now, this was an interesting situation. I found myself
wondering how easy it would
be to explain that the our dangerous driving behavior was in
fact directly related to a run in
with a dead rock star. As the
officer approached the car, I
prayed she wasn't carrying rubber gloves.
"Excuse me sir," said the officer, crouching to speak through
the window, "Have you had
anything to drink today?" It
was 8:00am.
"No Sir," replied the driver,
tears streaked down his face. "I
was laughing. Jer thinks he saw
Elvis," he explained, pointing at
my cowering form.
I shrunk down into my seat,
covering my face. "I did see
Elvis," I managed to squeak
through the shirt I'd pulled over
my head. "He was at the bus
stop."
Police officers are trained in
dealing with difficult situations.
They can talk a jumper off of a
sky   scraper,   convincing   the
poor individual that his life is
indeed worth living. Hours are
spent learning hostage negotiation techniques, including the
use of proper body language
and vocal tones to ensure
peaceful solutions for all
involved.
This particular officer burst out
laughing. Wiping tears from her
eyes, she leaned into the car,
and poked my shirt covered
head.
"Elvis? At a bus stop?" she
asked, with a giggle. "Was he
eating a cheeseburger?"
Everyone's a comedian, including, apparently law enforcement officials. Never one to
provoke a woman with a gun, I
just smiled and laughed.
"Cheeseburger. That's funny.
Heh. Because Elvis liked cheeseburgers."
Apparently satisfied, theofficer
climbed back into her cruiser,
chuckling all the way. I pulled
my shirt back off of my head,
and with an obligatory punch
in the arm for. the driver, we
were on our way.
By this point, I was beginning
to wish that I'd never heard of
Elvis, let alone ever seen him
waiting for public transit. I tried
to convince myself that I had
hallucinated, and that 'Elvis'
had probably just been a funny
shaped fire hydrant, on which
someone had rested their guitar
and sunglasses. Unfortunately,
my brain chose this opportunity to start being
stubborn.Normally, I can fool
my brain with little or no effort.
Indeed, every Friday night, I
manage to convince it that not
only do I have an excess of
money, but also that it would be
a great idea to go and spend the
afore mentioned money on
alcohol. But not this time ~ it
was indeed Elvis, my cranium
insisted, and he was indeed at
the bus stop. Playing his guitar.
Amazingly enough, I've dealt
with it. I've gotten past the
denial stage, and I can often
bring up my problem in everyday conversation. Sure, I get
some funny looks, but I also get
to meet some interesting people
who do live in trailer parks. I'm
considering going to Memphis
in November for EMsCon '96,
but I'm not sure I'm ready for
the jumpsuit crowd quite yet.
The National Inquirer keeps
calling, looking for an exclusive
but I've told them that I'm a
one-paper kind of guy. Perhaps
one day, Elvis and I will meet
again. Until then, we'll always
have the bus stop.
We're not sure if Jer really did
see Elvis, or if he was suffering
from an overdose of hallucinogenic MSG at the time.
-ed.
(Oktoberfest™
Anatomy of An Oktoberfester:
Broad smile, caused by a delightful combination of auditory stimulation (LIVE BANDS!) and
ingestion of pleasure-inducing substances
(CHEAP BZZR!)
Plump belly, likely filled with copious quantities of the above mentioned pleasure-inducing substance.
Lederhosen! (le»der»ho«sen: leather shorts,
often worn with suspenders. Worn esp. in
Bavaria, and during Oktoberfest celebrations)
©fetober 18th. &8ft ballroom.

Cite

Citation Scheme:

        

Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics

Share

Embed

Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                        
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            src="{[{embed.src}]}"
                            data-item="{[{embed.item}]}"
                            data-collection="{[{embed.collection}]}"
                            data-metadata="{[{embed.showMetadata}]}"
                            data-width="{[{embed.width}]}"
                            async >
                            </script>
                            </div>
                        
                    
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:
https://iiif.library.ubc.ca/presentation/cdm.the432.1-0000638/manifest

Comment

Related Items