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The 432 Jan 18, 1993

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 WAKE UP! IT'S SCIENCE WEEK!
The Newspaper For Science Students — Vol 6 No 8 $ 18 Jan '93
SAUNDERSON SEEKS
POSITION WITHIN AMS
UBC Young Conservative jason Saunderson with unidentifed AMS
Council member at Student Leadership Conference in Whistler.
 Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
UBC Young Conservative
Jason Saunderson, the subject
of recent controversy involving the Alma Mater Society, is
seeking to attain a position
within one of the administrative bodies of the Society.
Mr. Saunderson, who is currently taking issue with the
AMS concerning libelous
remarks printed in the
Ubyssey, was seen associating
with an unnamed AMS official
at last November's Student
Leadership Conference in
Whistler. According to
observers, the two "have main
tained frequent contact" since
the meeting, and rumors
abound over Mr. Saunderson's
possible future involvement
with the AMS. Many have
speculated that he may seek to
fill an executive seat, perhaps
even that of the President.
As a member of the UBC
Young Conservatives, Mr.
Saunderson is an active figure
on the campus political scene.
An outspoken critic of the
Ubyssey, his efforts were the
driving thrust behind the petition calling for the removal of
the newspaper's operations
from the AMS budget.
At press time, Mr.
Saunderson could not be
reached for comment on the
current situation regarding
either his legal batde with the
Ubyssey, or his reported drive
for an AMS seat. However,
some background information
concerning the former was distributed to members of the
AMS Student Council last
week, serving to remind students that the Young
Conservative would not tolerate being taken lightly as either
the butt of jokes or a victim of
slander.
The issue promises to be
one of great interest, as candidates vie for position in the
upcoming AMS Executive
Elections, to be held January
25-29.
KEEP OUT OF REACH
OF SMALL CHILDREN.
INGREDIENTS:
OVER 95% OIF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIUM
HYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCARBONS, AND HEMP TREES. LESS THAN 5% CONSIST OF
HOLMES EXPLORING HIS FRIDGE (PAGE 2), AARON WAXES
EVEN MORE NOSTALGIC, THE MORRIS METHODS (PAGE 3),
THE SUPER-COOL EVEN-BETTER-THAN-NUTELLA SCIENCE
WEEK SPREAD (PAGES 4-5), DIK MILLER, LEONA ADAMS
RETURNS! (PAGE 6), MUNDANE DUMPSTER, (PAGE 7),
DON'T HIT THE SLOPES 'CUZ THEY HIT BACK (PAGE 8).
"EXCUSE ME. CAN I BORROW YOUR TOWEL?
MY CAR JUST HIT A WATER BUFFALO."
IRWIN M. FLETCHER
© 1993 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS.
In a tragic accident, Tarzan fails to yield the right-of-way to Dr. Jones. The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No S ,K 18 Ian 93
Of Beasties and
Things that Bump Into
the Bowl of Egg Salad
Xenophobia and the Campus Fridge
SUS Constitutional Changes...
Read em and weep, heavily.
Dr. Watson
Frosh, but okay anyway...
I am now a veteran of living
in medias res; I slop caf food
with the best of them, don't do
my laundry for a week, get
ready for an 8:30 in ten minutes flat But there is no way,
no way in Heaven or Hell, that
I'll ever get used to our floor
fridge cum arboretum. I mean,
who in their right mind would
eat pickled herring wearing a
fur coat? The sign saying "Do
Not Eat, Property of
 " is rather ludicrous,
Hell, I ain't going to eat something if I can't tell whether it's
a vegetable or an animal anyways. I wish that people would
label the stuff that they put in
the fridge so at least us other
blokes who try to use the damn
fridge to store food and not
microbiology experiments
would know exactly what
we're facing when we see a
large philodendron-like growth
inside.
"Ah, Mike, what is that in
the tupper-ware container that
keeps saying 'Don't touch me,
I'm contagious'?"
"Well, it used to be pudding.
Now it mostly consists of mold
and vibrio cholerae."
(Don't quote me on this one,
I'm not into microbi!)
We get the most sinister
items in our fridge: this week,
it's the ominous black bag that
periodically makes belching
sounds and the can of whatever
that tells you to put it the local
nuker on High for approximately 2.5 hours before
attempting to open. Sometimes
the scariest things aren't even
food-related: are jars of WD-40
used to clean bike chains next
to the mayo and cream cheese
common to anybody else's
fridge? I'd like to know who
eats a mayo-and-axle-grease
sandwich and if it's a rare delicacy. Then again, maybe not.
Ever notice that food takes
on its own persona when it gets
about 3 weeks old and in 5
weeks, it develops a rudimentary personality and intelligence
similar to that of your chem
prof? In 11 weeks, it has
developed an advanced civir
lization and could probably do
better than you on your next
Physics 120 exam. Eleven
weeks is the longest anything
has been left our fridge unnoticed; in the first week of
school, the pizza box with 3
pieces left in it was placed on
the bottom shelf bearing the
message, 'Touch and Die".
Ten weeks later, that message
remained valid, as the little,
super-intelligent creature with
pepperoni fused in its rudimentary exoskeleton threatened to
poison anyone in the immediate vicinity with a paralytic
poison made of olives and leftover salsa sauce. Other than
that, he (it?) was a funny little
guy, and we enjoyed debating
the meaning of life with him as
we searched in that jungle we
call an ice-box. Unfortunately,
he was found by our janitor,
one of those creatures who
insist on keeping EVERYTHING sanitized (now here's a
concept a guys' res floor and
an immaculate bathroom and
refrigerator. Never in a million
years.) and we were forced to
put him out the back door in
the middle of a cold,
November night by order of the
upper bureaucracy. The next
day we found his body next to
the carcasses of seven crows;
we figure that he fought them
off valiantly, but that he succumbed to what can only be
described as "pizza disease"
when his pizza sauce froze in
the cold air.
This sad little story just goes
to show why cleaning your
fridge is so vital: not only will
you not develop a lasting(!)
relationship with a piece of
pizza, but philodendrons just
don't look good growing out of
a tub of cream cheese. It keeps
the janitor out of your hair, too,
as well as her hair out of your
leftover pizza.
Proposed Constitutional Amendments:
Areas to be changed are in italic type.
That the SUS Constitution be amended as
follows:
Article I - fawitiye Qfftorsi
1) The Executive officers who must be
active members of the Society and fully
intend to be members of the Society
throughout their tens of office shall consist
of:
i) President;
ii) Internal Vice President;
iii) External Vice President;
iv) Director of Publications;
v) Executive Secretary;
vi) Director of Finance;
vii) A.M.S. Student Council Representative;
viii) Sports Director.
Remove: (vii).
Replace with: vii) Public Relations Officer
(PA.O.);
Add: a) Social Coordinator;
Article II - Executive Duties.
2) Further duties of specific officers shall
be:
c) External Vice President
i) To represent die Society to die AMS
Students Council;
ii) To have booking privileges with the
AMS;
iii) To organize, co-ordinate, and promote
all social functions of the Society;
1) To chair the Social Committee;
2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of
tickets for he Society's functions;
3) To coordinate die timing and posting of
all poster and banner material for all
social events;
4) To arrange any press releases by Media;
vi) To be a member of the Science Week
Committee.
vii) To know the AMS constitution, bylaws
and policies;
viii) To recommend people to Council for
the following Ex-Officio positions
and work with the officers appointed
on their respective projects:
1) Science Week Co-ordinator,
2) Blood Drive Co-ordinator.
Remove: (ii), (Hi), (vi), (vii), (viii).
Replace with:
ii) To know thoroughly, the AMS's
constitution, codes and by-laws and
have current copies of these available
on file in the Science office;
iii) To keep Council informed cfthe
activities of tte AMS Student Council;
iv) To keep Council informed of the
activities cf other AMS Constituencies
and clubs;
v) To attend AMSCouncil Meetings;
vi) To keep Council informed cf any AMS
rights or privileges to which we are
entitled;
vii) To keep Council informed cf any AMS
procedures of which we should be
aware;
viii) To be a liaison between the Council
andtheAMS;
Mey D/*te- Looks U«£
AT THIS UEfiR'S
S BuFF.Tr.
ix) To be a liaison between Ae Council and
other Constituencies,
x) To represent the views cf Science Council
to the AMS;
xi) To keep the Science Newspaper Council
informed of the activities cfthe AMS
Student Council.
0 Director of Publications
i) To publish, or cause to be published, the
following:
1) Summer mailout;
2) The 432;
3) The Black and Blue Review
ii) To assist in die production of all posters
and batmen;
iii) To ensure publication of the information
collected for die Black and Blue
Review;
iv) To ensure publication of items for die
Society requested by the Executive;
v) To ensure publication of items for the
Society requested by Council;
vi) To be a member of the following
Standing Committeees:
1) Budget Committee;
2) Science Week Committee;
vii) To be die head editor of the Science
Newspaper Council (refer to Article
xn>,
Add: viii) To represent the Society to the
AMS Students Council;
g) AMS Student Council Representative
i) To know and uphold die Science
Undergraduate Society's constitution;
ii) To know thoroughly, die AMS's
constithitkn, codes and by-laws and
have current copies of these available
on file in the Science office;
iii) To keep Courjril informed of the
actrvities of the AMS Student
Council;
iv) To keep Council informed of the
activities of other AMS
Constituencies and clubs;
v) To attend AMS Council Meetings;
vi) To keep Council informed of any AMS
rights or privileges to which we are
entitled;
vii) To keep Council informed of any AMS
procedures of which we should be
aware;
viii) To be a liaison between the Council
andtheAMS;
ix) To represent the views of Science
Council to die AMS;
x) To keep die Science Newspaper Council
Wormed of the activities of the AMS
Student Council.
Remove: (g)
Replace With:
g) Public Relations Officer
i) To inform Science Students cf
employment opportunities:
1) To be a liaison between the Society and
the UBC Student Placement Office,
and/or any other student employment
cfficefs);
2) To be a liaison between the Society and
Ae Science Clubs Employment Reps;
3) To work with the Alumni Association and
the Faculty of Science coordinating
the Beyond the BSc. event.
ii) To coordinate or appoint a coordinator
for all charity events including: the
Red Cross Blood Drive, the Food
Drive and! or any other charities the
SUS may choose to participate in;
iii) To arrange any press releases by
Media;
iv) Tobeaex-cfficbmemberofthe
following standing committees and
sub councils:
1) Science Week Committee;
2) Social Committee;
3) Academics Council.
v) To know Out AMS constitution, bylaws
and policies;
vi) To represent the Society to the AMS
Student Council.
Add:
0 Scicial Coordinator
i) To have booking privileges with ihe
AMS;
ii) To organize, co-ordinate, and promote all
social functions of the Society:
1) To chair Ihe Social Committee;
2) To coordinate the sale and distribution of
tickets for the Society's functions;
3) To coordinate any advertising for any of
the Society's social events,
iii) To be a member of the Science Week
Committee,
iv) To coordinate all banner painting efforts
of the Society.
Article VI - Standiny Committees and Sub-
Councils
1) Committees
a) The Social Committee, which shall
consist of the External Vice President,
die Director of Finance, the Science
Week Co-ordinator, and any other -3ri
interested active member of me
Society. This committee shall:
i) propose a social program for approval to
Council.
ii) co-ordinate and promote the social
programs as approved by Council.
Change a) to read:
a) The Social Committee, which shall
consist cfthe Social Coordinator
/..,L~:. «L. ..L-:.. ~f .1.: :*.-.!
j rr.iv 10 »n* mmm y/ tfsw ui/rrirrfutce/,
External Vice President, the Director
of Finance, and any other interested
active member of the Society. This
committee shall:
i) propose a social program for approval to
Council.
ii) co-ordinate and promote the social
The
Would Like To Invite
Everyone To Attend The:
Car Rally
Bzzr Bash!
When: January 20,1993- 6:00pm to 11:00pm
Where: Computer Science 201
Cost: Members -$1 - Non-members - $5
Drink and Eat AH You Want!!!
^7® DC^Co) UTTD® Vol 6 No 8 £ 18 Ian '93 The Four Thirty-Two
The Morris Methods
Jamie Moms
Brain Abducted by Saucer Aliens
Greetings! I'd like to first
start off by informing you that
this is not an experiment (but I
hope you'll enjoy it anyway).
You must understand that scientific preparations are long,
tedious, and often difficult
work (as was the case in acquiring thyrone briareus (sea
cucumbers) for my first experiment). I am, however, at this
moment working on a new
experiment of which I plan to
bring to your attention in an
upcoming issue.
In this issue I give you an
excerpt from my soon to be
published book, "Sex, Death,,
Drugs, Surrealism, and Ethics
in Science". It dwells on vitail
philosophical questions facing
scientists, and perhaps even the
world, today.
The wax figurines had
cooled, but Tara still couldn't
make sense of them. Guido, the
local midget/pre-med student,
obviously had. From adjacent
sides of the table, Kirsten and
Tara watched in horror as
Guido launched himself, belly
first, onto the table, and with a
voracious lust, began to devour
the demonic icons of wax. The
sweat on his face beaded down,
amplified by the blue-green
tinge of his dead skin mask.
"My God!" screamed Tara.
Her" head shook with awful
chaotic convulsions and her
fingernails tore at her face.
"What the hell are you doing...
Stop it! Stop it right now!!...
You're driving me insane!"
"..I I I...can'thelp
it" croaked Guido as he slimed
about the table top. "That
experiment..I did yesterday,
something...went.
wrong....I I...think L.think..
I think I'm turning into a
squid!"
Tara stumbled away from the
table, her body shaking uncontrollably while odious,
wretched noises escaped her
gut. "Noooooooooo-
ooooooooooooo!" she cried,
"You can't!.... Guido!,..
...Think for a second... Who's
gonna look after your finicky
cat Fluffy ?... And how will you
wear your galoshes when it's
slushy out?.... And who'll
finish your book "Genetic
Manipulation: One Hundred
and One Improvements on the
Male Copulatory 0rgan"....And
what about your colleagues
who'll track you down, and kill
you. And once you're dead
they'll dissect you, and dissect
you again, until you can be dissected no more....NO I CAN'T
LET THAT HAPPEN...SO,
GODDAMMIT GUIDO, DO
ME A FAVOUR AND DON'T
TURN INTO A STINKY,
SMELLY SQUID!!!" Guido,
however, being of short and
stubborn stature, didn't listen.
Kirsten watched calmly from
her place at the table as the
incoherent, irrational Tara
screeched and sprinted about
the living room. Kirsten
yawned as Tara smashed heir
head against objects of all sorts:
walls, paintings, T.V. tables,
the T.V. itself, (on which, ironically, was playing the movie:
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad,, Mad
World), against book cases, a
fan, as well as an assortment of
chairs and fold out couches.
"...If you're a squid, then...tlien
I'm a hammer!" she had said.
After Tara had "hammered' i;ill
the mundane objects of the
room, she looked for something
that presented more of a challenge. She spotted the sliding
glass door to the apartments'
balcony. 'Yes!' she thought, NI
shall hammer that large window over there!' With a wave
of her bloody head, Tara ran a
straight line towards the win
dow. She dove, gracefully,
head first, through the window,
cleared the balcony, and fell
sixty stories to her death.
Kirsten just sat there and grunted.
Meanwhile, Guido, without
the use of his arms, had taken
off all his clothes, crawled into
a far comer and licked his
naked body. "Gotta keep
moist...gotta keep moist," he
muttered, "gotta. gotta
keepmoist..NO!!! Don't come
near me! I'm a trickier squid
than I look Gotta keep
moist. Gotta keep clean...gotia
clean my squid-like
tentacles..yeah!!.... Musn't let
Mom see me like this.
....she'd....she'd only laugh at
my digestive system...NO! I
musn't Gotta keep moist...
Gotta keep moist..." and so on
and so forth. Once again
Kirsten grunted.
Kirsten had watched the pro
ceedings indifferently. The
experimental pentapeptide
drugs had not affected her newly as much as her colleagues,
and she was therefore somewhat pissed off.
'So this is it,' she thought to
herself, "so this is it....' She
shook her head," Hell if this
isn't the last time I serve Tisli
Sticks' at this table,' Kirsten
concluded.
As you can see it is a very
emotional work, and because t
deals with so many touchy subjects, it may offend some readers. If you are interested in
reading a book like this, tell me
so, I am delighted to hear from
people. One last thing before I
go: people with access to sea
cucumbers (Thyrone Briarius
preferred) please get in touch
with me as soon as possible.
Thank you.
ed: Mr. Morris mode the
cross-disciplinary leap from
biology to chemistry last week,
and is still learning how to use
the fume hood properly. Sorry
for any confusion, and we hope
the little fat purple Madonnas
orbiting his melon leave him
alone.
FACEWASH!!
Angry
DUCK
Here are my two earliest
memories. I don't know which
one is the earliest. I don't think
anyone knows which single
memory is their earliest.
Anyone tells you different,
ignore them. They he.
Earliest memory number
one: I was in the kitchen of our
seventies-memorial home. This
house smacked of the seventies
(although it was built in 1969).
It had shag carpeting, saloon
doors into the kitchen, a bamboo hanging chair, and cedar
shingling. It was 1970's all the
way. It oozed disco.
My earliest memory of me,
in the kitchen, revolves around
my mother trying to feed me
medicine. As I recall, she wanted me to swallow two pills, and
I would be damned if I was
going to do that There we
were, in the middle of the
kitchen, on the 1970's style
Linoleum floor, with the saloon
doors swinging in the background, my mother in a floral
polyester shirt and bell-bottom
jeans, and trying to get me to
swallow those two harmless
pills.. I never swallowed the
pills, even though she was
patient and understanding
throughout the whole ordeal.
I feel very guilty about that,
even today.
My other earliest memory is
of breaking my mother's lipstick in half, quite by accident.
I admitted to doing it, got
yelled at and then sent to my
room, where I was very sorry
about my misdeed.
I don't feel guilty about
breaking the lipstick. I did time
for it. I paid my dues.
I have very many other early
memories. I have noticed that,
aside from a traumatic experi
ence involved in each memory,
there is a common thread running through each memory.
They all took place in the
winter time.
I don't know why this Is.
But I have a theory why most
of my memories of past semi-
traumatic experiences occurred
in the winter.
Winter, on the whole, is not
a pleasant experience for children. As a matter of fact, it's
hell on wheels.
There is something special
about a child. Something hidden behind the innocence,
buried in the wide-eyed wonder of a child's eyes. There is a
deep, almost reverent fascination children have with finding
ways to turn evetyday experiences into new methods of torture for their fellow children.
Snow fits the bill perfectly as
a unique torture device. And
children have a knack for
finding the ideal way to turn
snow into an instrument of
doom.
Face washes, for example. I
still shudder at the way the
ogres from grade five would
hunt their grade three victims
down after a fresh snow. I,
being the Designated Smart
Kid, would be the first to fall
prey. It was face-washes all the
way.
Actually, I got off easy. Poor
Jeff Rankin was the Designated
Smart Kid With Glasses, and
he'd not only get a face-wash,
but then they'd play Keepaway
with his glasses.
When I made it to grade five
(the top of the elementary
school food chain), face washes had become old hat. We
were ready for a new form of
torture.
I invented the Icicle Gonch
Pull. We practiced it to perfection on Ritchie Van Horlick,
the Designated Fat Kid Whose
Underwear Always Peeked Out
Above His Pants.
Entertainment '93 Coupon Books
Jam-packed with half-price coupons!
The skiing coupons are definitely worth using!
Fine dining, Arts, Sports, Travel, and much more!
$42.80
(all taxes included^
Pick up your copy
at the UBC Science
Undergraduate
Society office,
Chemistry
Building,
Room 160
The method was simple.
Seven or eight guys would
tackle Ritchie to the ground,
and the leader of the horde of
youngsters would stuff snow
down the back of Ritchie's
underwear. Then someone
would yank like the dickens on
Ritchie's underwear, giving
Ritchie a King Kong Wedgie.
Ritchie, who up until that
point was giggling half in fun
and half in abject mortal terror,
would scream like a stuck pig,
his face would turn red, then
purple, then blue, he would
begin to cough fiercely, and
gasp for breath -1 think he had
asthma or something like that.
Then he would lay very still,
quivering a little.
I remember the first time we
ever did the Icicle Gonch Pull.
Three of us tackled Ritchie to
the ground. We sat on him,
uncertain of what to do next,
but all three of us realized that
we were on the threshold of a
major discovery. I took the initiative and applied the Icicle
Gonch Pull, whereupon Ritchie
screamed hysterically,
coughed, turned red, then purple, then blue, then quivered.
I'll never forget it:
ME: (Standing over Ritchie)
I think he's dead.
HUEY FREEMAN: (uncertain) He's not dead, he's still
moving.
BELLY LEVANS: (stammering) Dead people twitch.
He could be dead.
ME: (terrified)What if he's
dead? What if we killed him?
RITCHIE: (coughing) That
wasn't funny you guys!!
ME: Did you see how purple
his face got?
HUEY: Let's do it again!
Come to think of it, the
Icicle Gonch Pull has its place
in modern society. I bet
Gordon Wilson would love to
use if for party discipline.
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and Executive Whip-Cracker
X
EDITORIAL
Contributing Writers Leona Adams, Janice Boyle,
Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, )ason Holmes, Zain
Khandwala, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, |amie
Morris, Sarah Thornton, Various Club People, and
with me as always is Rog.
Party on, Rog.
*
ART    and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts
Contributing Artists Melanie Stapleton
and Roger Watts
PRODUCTION
Printer College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor la-t-Fish^nt Distribution, ltd.
II Hmrr 1913, Vols, No I
The 432 is publiehed biweekly by the Science Unders/aauate Soctay of
UBC, somewhere dose to Main Mall and University Blvd. We generally
make cue tats out of our mail, especial ft/ the politially correct Buff, so
don't bother sendftg any. The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 8 $18 fan '93
SUS   Presents
The
Feu  t tt r i n g
with The Love Bugs
Ul   MlLtOOH
TixS5-AMS Box Office or SUS
lilt MX - NO HWU
Tuesday January 19
7 PM, SUB Auditorium
$1.00
' -'-^l**^::Vj^jrij^:::::ijjjj^
How to get the most
out of Science Week
Sarah Thornton
Science Week Coordinator
Take a break from your phy-
toplankton, or particle physics,
or that pernicious precipitation
procedure (or for that matter,
your piano playing, problematic punctuation, or political-(sci-
ence) posturing, if you are of
those persuasions).
Come consider the wonders
of science and the marvels of
organisation contained in this
year's Science Week. Get off
your ass, skip that lab lecture,
live on the wild side. Learn the
facts you need to make a quick
repartee when someone tells
you to:
a) get a job. Soln: Beyond
the BSc. will tell you all you
need to know about resumes,
§*4
1^4
interview skills, and just what
you can do with your undergraduate degree.
b) get lost. Soln: Enter the
CS3 car rally and zoom all
over Vancouver and Burnaby,
finding strange articles.
c) get rich. Soln: Try your
luck at gold panning at the
Dawson Club display, or hope
for a pearl in your oyster-on-
the-half-shell from Biosoc, or
learn cold fusion at the Physsoc
table, or...
d) get stuffed. Soln: Come to
the SUS office (CHEM 160 for
those of you who still haven't
used our 50 photocopier) for
the open house to get sucked in
to a vortex of student politics,
and have pizza, pop, and
videos, all on us!
AlomlaY
Chem Magic Show
(CHEM B250)
and
Beyond The BSc
Part I:
(SUB Auditorium)
e) get a heart. Soln: get a
team of 6 together, and ride a
trike for charity in the 6th
annual tike race. Register at
CHEM 160 before Tuesday
and get a free t-shirt too!
f) get a life Soln. 1) go to the
MicroBi Home Brew contest
and volunteer yourself as a
taste-tester; 2) go dance your
DocsTM off to the Hard Rock
Miners for only $5 Friday
night.
Hope to see you dying to
participate - remember, it's the
effort, not the success that
counts!
Tuesday      We
Airplane Contest
(HENN 201)
and
Beyond The BSc
Part II
(*
T
SI
cf
^sf^N*
6th Annual
Tricycl
Proudly Presents...
When: Wednesday, January 20,1993 - 6:00pm
Where: Computer Science 201
Registration: $0 (That's Right! FREE!)
Register before 12:00 noon on rally day, In CPSC 121B (The CUBE)
Suggested Items: Friends, Compass, Maps, Ruler, Pens, Pencils,
Vehicle (it helps), Money, Flashlight, etc...
Bzzr Garden during the rally HI
Thursday, Ja
12:30 SU
Each team of 6 mu
1 TA/Grad
1 Faculty/Sta
Registration forms at SUS - C
$50 per team - All proceeds
Free T shirt if you Vol 6 No 8 X 18 Ian '93 The Four Thirty-Two
Daily Events:
SUB Concourse:
Club Displays 1
Red Cross Blood Drive 9:30
(Tues^Fri
SUS Sales Booths
Thanks to the Sponsors
of Science Week '93
Double DD Pizza 736 7001
Athenes Pizza 7314135
UBC Pizza 224-4218
Domino's Pizza (3480 Dunbar)   733 0188
Sasamat Pizza Factory 224-3333
Pizza Hut
Varsity Video
PunchLines Comedy Club - Gastown
Back Alley Theatre
Famous Players Capitol 6 Cinemas
CN IMAX I OMNIMAX Theatre
CHEM 160:
SUS Open House
(featuring free pi%%a
11:30 to 1:3
k movies, Yay.
iliiesikiY     Tluiirsilaf IFrUkiy
Soc Gyotaku.
JB 207/209)
BioSoc Gyotaku.
(SUB 207/209)
and
The 6th Annual
Interdepartmental
Trike Race
(SUB South Plaza)
osoc Gyotaku
(SUB 207/209)
and
Being Evolved: A
Visit With Charles
Darwin
(SUB Auditorium)
SUS/BPP
eRace
THySSOCTRESgKTS*
£mpi3M!i*T>j**
~s*
TUE 7AIM n   'SSS.tN
nuary 21st
B Plaza
st have at least:
Student
ff member
hem 160 until January IS
to Children's Hospital.
register early.
COMPETB IN
OISTANCE
ACCURACY
HAM VMS.
physsoc
A Visit with
Charles Darwin
A Play by Robert Light
Friday January 22, 1993
12:30-2:30 SUB Auditorium
Beyond the B.Sc...
Fart I: Job-Hunting in the '90s
January 18,1993,12:30-1:30 pm, SUB Auditorium
Do employers hire Bachelor ol Science grads? What are the components of an effective resume?
What are the 60 most commonly asked interview questions? Where can you find Information on
companies and organizations you would like to work for?
We'd I ike to give you answers to these questions and many more. Our speakers can help makeyour
first steps Beyond the B.Sc.... more profitable and rewarding.
Speakers: David Beckman, Regional Director, Public Service Commission;
Pajm Biela, Counsellor, Student Counselling & Resources;
Ca»ey ForrcetV BSc, Placement Specialist, Delolte & Touche.
Part II:" The B.Sc?
It Worked For Me"
January 19,1993,12:30-1:30 pm, SUB Auditorium
As a student In the Bachelor of Science programme, you probably realize your degree isn't exactly
a guarantee of a job. Is a B.Sc. still a valuable degree? What are your options? Do you feel that you
have to get into grad school or leay,e the country to avoid student loan payments?
Don't despair. Come and meet 5 UBC grads who are willing to slake a paycheque on the value
of a B.Sc, even in the job market of the '90s. They will tell you from personal experience how they
used a Bachelor of Science as a springboard to a successful career.
Speakers: David Adtinac, BSc'86. Tech. Sales Rep, Mobil Chemical Canada Ltd.;
JoArtrte Gin, BSc'80, MBA'82, Co-owner, MGI Inf 1 Marine Safety Solutions;
Catherine Rankel, BSc'91, Articling Student, Peat Marwx* Thome;
David Vogt, BSc'77, BA'78, Director of Science, Science World;
Don WlsWow, BSc'7B. Secondary School Teacher.
Free Refreshments Served at Both Events
SpmtoredbfthtFtadtifOfSatnc* AtSdftiaUn^rgraduMUSocietymdBteUBCAluimiAMoeiittton. The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 8 $18 Ian '93
The AHI (Adams
Hopelessness Index)
Dik Miller, Library Enforcer
Leona
ADAMS
I am sick. I know, because
the nice doctor-shaped person
at the Student Health Clinic
told me so. Not that I couldn't
have told you that myself, but
it's nice to have someone agree
with me for a change. Being
sick makes me do all sorts of
not entirely bright things. Just
yesterday, in some fever-
induced frenzy, I decided to
call my friend. Let's call him
"Mark", well, because that's
his name. "Mark" is an interesting sort of person, and I'm
not quite sure why we are
friends. He's what I like to call
an emotional black hole. The
minute he picks up the phone,
he starts to radiate his own personal brand of good cheer. "Do
you realize how little I want to
talk to you? Let me tell you, in
no uncertain terms. I would
actually rather follow the storyline of "Saved by the Bell"
than listen to you talking about
your life. Listen carefully. I'm
actually ignoring you, and
laughing at something that's
being said on this insignificant
little show. Thanks for calling."
Well, he doesn't come right
out and say it, but you'd be
surprised how well impressions
can be made. He reminds me of
the cat we adopted when I was
about eight. Tiger (okay, no
originality points for an orange
cat, but I was eight. Give me a
break.) was also quite the independent spirit My mother
started to take offense when he
decided to express his creativity by using our beanbag chair
as his personal sandbox, how
you say, without ze sand. Tiger
became reacquainted with his
friends at the SPCA pretty
darned fast, let me tell you.
"Mark" also reminds me,
quite eerily as a matter of fact,
of this dear sweet computer at
which I presently sit. (I'm trying to see if flattery will work.)
For those of you who actually
missed me last issue, I did
actually write something. It's
just that my favourite (possessed) piece of hardware
decided that in the spirit of free
will, it would lose what I
wrote. Wasn't that neat?
Now don't go saying I'm
paranoid, because I'm not (usually). If the computer hadn't
eaten my file, I wouldn't have
said that it did because I am
hopelessly realistic. Take this
test so you can find out if
you're as hopeless as I am:
1. Is a 500 ml glass containing 250 ml of water:
a) half-full
b) half-empty
c) half a glass of water?
2. You have a cough. This
means:
a) you will meet your future
spouse within the next five
minutes.
b) you have inoperable lung
cancer.
c) you have a cold.
3. Your submission to your
favourite newspaper seems
conspicuously absent from its
pages. Obviously:
b) the editor couldn't recognize
talent if it did a polka on his
flat head.
c) the computer ate it.
a) your eyesight must be failing.
If you answered a) more
than once, call and reserve a
space at Camp Serendipity, the
rehabilitation centre for the
chronically intellectually stunted. If you said b) more man
once, you're probably going to
kill yourself with worry. You .
c) people on the other hand,
you are men and women after
my own heart. You're the kind
of people who look boldly into
the future and say "What the
heck do I do now?"
Last chance this year to order a Science cardigan!
Navy blue, 100% cotton
Embroidery and cresting extra
Deadline for orders: February 17,1993
Place your order in the Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemistry building, room 160.
Derek K.
MILLER
It was my first day at my
new job. After spending my
career moving between Dik
Miller, Private Eye; Dik Miller,
Campus Cowboy; Dik Miller,
Physical Plant; Dik Miller,
Eastern European Reporter;
Dik Miller, Food Services; Dik
Miller, Gulf War
Correspondent; Dik Miller,
Arts Faculty Advisor; and Dik
Miller, Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer, I was
now faced with the ultimate
indignity: "Dik Miller, Library
Enforcer."
I broke myself out of my
deep, steaming funk for a
moment as a student walked
past with a suspicious bulge in
his knapsack.
"Hold it there, bucko "I
called in my best hold-it-there-
bucko voice.
He turned. "Who, me?"
"Yeah, you," I answered,
"bucko."
"I haven't heard the word
'bucko' since Happy Days was
canceled," he said.
"Well, you're hearing it
now."
"So I am," he acknowledged. "What do you want?"
"I need to look in your bag."
"Why?"
"Because I think you might
have something in there that's
not supposed to be in there."
"And what would that be?"
he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"I won't know that until I
see, now will I?" I said sarcastically.
"I don't want you to look in
my bag."
"I'll have to demand that
you let me."
He frowned. "Under what
authority?"
Of all the impudence! "Do
you know who I am?" I asked.
"Some jerk in a blue apron
that says LIBRARY MONITOR on it?"
"I'm Dik Miller, Library
Enforcer, and you're going to
open your bag for me, punk!" I
reached into my pocket and
drew out my Dik Miller™ stun
gun/artichoke pitter/swizzle
stick.
"What the hell is that?" the
student asked, backing away
from me slowly.
"This," I looked at the object
in my right hand, "is...er..."
Well, actually, I had meant
to draw out my Dik Miller™
stun gun/artichoke pitter/swizzle stick, but accidentally
grabbed my Dik Miller™
cockroach squisher/paper-
weight/snowboard.
"...uh," I continued, "something you'd rather not deal
with, I assure you!"
"So are you," he declared,
turning on his heel and bolting
off at a run through the Main
Library doors.
"Come back here, you
fiend!" I cried, setting off after
him.
My lungs burned in the cold
winter air as I ran around
toward Buchanan at a dead run,
my Dik Miller™ cockroach
squisher/paperweight/snow-
board under one arm.
I tried to demoralize him as
we ran. "You can't win!" I
yelled. "You wouldn't be running away if you didn't have
something to hide!"
My superior private eye-
campus cowboy-Physical
Plant-Eastern Europe-Food
Services-Gulf War-faculty
advisor-Engineering enforcer-
toned body allowed me to
catch up to him rather quickly.
That, and the fact that he was
carrying about 50 pounds of
books in his right hand and
couldn't run very fast anyway.
I tackled him, sending the
books, his knapsack, and his
baseball cap flying across the
pavement I got him in a Dik
Miller™ thumb-lock on the
ground. Then I spotted it
"Aha!" I bellowed. "Just as I
suspected!"
The student managed a
muted "What?" from between
his lips, which were squashed
awkwardly by the fact that his
cheek was pressed against the
asphalt
I reached out with my free
hand and grabbed the item
which had caused the suspicious bulge in his knapsack.
"What do you say about
this?" I said, holding it in front
of his eyes.
"That's an SFU library
book," he muttered.
"Exacdy," I sneered.
"You're messing around with
the competition!"
"What are you talking
about? Libraries don't compete
for customers."
'They don't?" I was rather
surprised at this revelation.
Then I saw through his subterfuge. "Oh sure, as if I would
believe you - a library traitor -
on the esoterics of library economics."
"Esoterics?! Libraries are
free, you idiot!" he shouted.
"Now let me go!"
"Not on your life." I said,
wagging a finger. "I have to
take you to see the Head
Librarian first, and you'll have
to explain yourself. You can
either come along quiedy or I
can make you."
"Fine, fine," he said. TU go,
but I think you'll be rather surprised at what they say."
"Hey, bucko, I know my
job."
I released him from the Dik
Miller™ thumb lock and he
stood up, brushing ice from the
front of his coat He bent to
pick up his other books, but
looked up at the last second.
"Look out!" he wailed,
pointing a figure skyward.
"Oh yeah," I jeered. "Like
I*m gonna faU for* that?'
When I regained consciousness, all I could see was white
and very cold. Somehow the
student had played a trick on
me, blinded me, or something.
I tried to move, but was pinned
in place.
Suddenly, light broke
through, and I found myself
being pulled free of a huge pile
of snow. The student had obviously knocked me out with
some fancy martial arts footwork and then buried me in the
snow to keep me from being
discovered. He was nowhere to
be seen. But I must have given
him a scare.
"Hey, buddy, you okay?"
asked one of the Physical Plant
workers who had extricated
me. "When that snow fell from
the roof we were pretty sure
you were a goner."
I brushed him aside. I supposed that was "case closed"
for Dik Miller, Library
Enforcer.
1) a Minister of Copy (Text)
is seeking: 2) a Minister of Graphics
and 3) a person willing to be trained
to take over the Editorship next year.
Interested parties should call Ryan McCuaig at SUS (822-4235)
or 2244003. And remember,
NEXT DEADLINE IS TUESDAY, JANUARY 26th Vol 6 No 8 | 18 Ian '93 The Four Thirty-Two
t h £     drawersofsus
Saks Slips
Michael Chow
Science Week 1993! Find us
in the Student Union Building
between 10:30-2:30 PM on
January 18-22, and check out
all our hot new merchandise.
What's the latest new Science
item? Science baseball caps!
Keep an eye out for even more
new Science wear. Anybody
who is interested in the position of Sales Manager for the
next academic year, now is the
time to learn the position from
our current Sales Manager,
Michael Chow, who has had
the privilege of working with
two previous Sales Managers,
Dean Leung and Tim Lam, as
well as receiving assistance
from ex-Sales Manager David
Way. Please feel free to drop
by our office at CHEM 160 to
inquire about this position.
• BRAND NEW: Wool-suede
baseball caps with a cool
embroidered logo! Available
in Mack or grey. Only
$12.00!
• BRAND NEW: 100% cotton
baseball caps, also with an
embroidered logo! Available
in navy or purple. Only
$8.50!
• BELOW COST: 100%-cot-
ton embroidered sweaters
tinly $15! Available in navy,
royal or white. We have
crew-necks and V-necks.
Hurry, they're selling fast!
• Have you seen the coolest
looking jackets on campus?
Science jackets: Navy blue
melton, with navy and white
leather split-sleeves, all for
cresii
**••£/.
Last chance to order one this
school year, deadline:
February 17,1993.
• Last chance to order a navy
Science cardigan for this
school year. Only $35 (plus
cresting), deadline: February
17,1993.
• Computer Science leather-
melton jackets! You don't
even need to be majoring in
Computer Science, but if
you want a black leather-
melton jacket for only $ 150
(plus cresting), place your
order before February 17,
1993. You can also contact
Michael Chow, the Sales
Manager, using e-mail at
<n7al92@rick.cs.ubc.ca>.
• Is your team or club looking
for clothing or uniforms?
We deal directly with the
manufacturers and wholesalers to get you the best
prices around. Most orders
require one week. Compare
our prices: 1 dozen, 100%
cotton Fruit of the Loom
standard-weight T-shirts,
with a full-front 2-colour
logo, and 2-digit 8-inch
numbers, all for only $ 13.50
each (all taxes included!)
»We sell the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. The books are
packed with half-price
coupons for restaurants, theatres, sports, attractions, and
much more. The
Entertainment book also
offers 50% off on many
hotels throughout the world.
A great way to sample
Vancouver's attractions on a
student's budget. All this for
only $42.80 (taxes included).
»We also sell the new Gold C
Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the coupons
to save on merchandise,
recreation, movie rentals,
and fast food.
• Our Annual Paper Sale is still
on! We sell 200 sheets of
looseleaf for only $0.75.
That's half the price you'll
pay at the Bookstore, plus all
proceeds will be donated to
charity.
• CONTEST: Write down the
name of UJB.C.'s Dean of
Science on a slip of paper
along with your name and
phone number, ask a SUS
council member to sign your
entry and to write down the
time that you submitted your
entry, and to place your
entry in the Sales cashbox
(for safekeeping). SUS
council members are not
allowed to enter. Winner
receives 50% off any
Science sweatpants, second
place receives 50% off any
Science T-shirt, third place
receives 50% off a pair of
white Science boxer shorts.
Feel free to drop by and
check out our UBC Science
clothing display. We are in the
Chemistry building, room 160.
McNighties
Carmen McKnight
We have tons of stuff organized for Science Week this
year as many of you already
know. Events for every walk
of life. Social, academic, athletic, alcoholic... you name it
we've got an event for you. I
hope you will get out to
Science Week and participate.
All week Club and
Departmental displays will be
present on the SUB Concourse
from 10:30 to 2:30 PM. A Red
Cross Blood Drive will be taking place Tuesday through
Friday on the SUB Concourse.
At lunch hour everyday SUS
will be hosting an open house
(free lunch) in Chemistry 160.
Pages 4 and 5 show the list of
events we've got planned for
this year.
We also have a lot of other
stuff happening in Council
right now. Stewart Hung has
resigned from the position of
Executive Secretary.
Nominations are now open for
this position. For more information come to Chemistry
160. The SUS is getting a
fourth seat on AMS Council
starting mid-February. Due to
the additional council seat we
need to amend the constitution
to reflect the new position. The
current plan is to give the new
AMS seat to the Director of
Publications, although adding
it to Finance's duties is another
possibility, (ed: AAAAAA!)
We also want to make some
amendments to the constitution
in terms of the structure and
the duties of the Executive.
See the Proposed constitutional amendments for more
specific information. If you
have your own ideas we'd
appreciate your input.
AMS Briefs
lanice Boyle
There was another mentally
stimulating AMS council
meeting Wednesday night.
Thankfully, it was brief (2 1/2
hours), and we didn't run out
of food. The agenda was fairly
mundane, so here is a brief
synopsis. We approved travel
grants for two organizations
and appointed an all new
Hiring Committee (which
included me, increasing my
record to an all-time high of
eight committees). Yeah, I
know...I'm stll trying to figure
out whether it's brains or stupidity that motivates me, and
I'm starting to lean towards ihe
latter.
Martin Ertl, our esteemed
"Little Tyrant", informed
council that the AMS has hammered out an equitable deal
with the University administration. Talk about surprising
news. Maybe students have
clout after all. I guess we'll
find out more conclusively on
Thursday, January 21, when
the Board of Governors
decides on our tuition increase.
If you haven't seen me in
your classes distributing postcards and petitions against the
18% increase, and you haven't
already signed them, come to
the SUS office or the AMS
Executive offices to check it
out. We have less than a week
to go, so...
If you have forgotten your
sunglasses today, my heart
bleeds for you. The AMS elections are in full swing, and the
neon monster has attacked
campus. There are some
important issues being discussed in this year's campaign,
so take a critical look at who is
running, and VOTE!
An emergency AMS meeting was called for Friday,
January 15, so that Jason
Saunderson could present his
Ubyssey petition to council.
This means that there will
probably be a referendum
question asking whether or not
students want to continue
funding the Ubyssey. This is
one to think about.
I've had more than enough
serious stuff for awhile, so
until next issue...
First
Year
Students
Committee
The Science Undergraduate Society
invites First Year Science students to
apply for the new First Year Students
Committee.
Nomination forms are available in
Chemistry 160, and the deadline for
application is January 25,1993.
For information, please contact
Chris Sing at 822 4235 or 822 6101.
Circvs Scientificvs
Zain Khandwala
Well, I just got in from
Singapore this morning, only
to find that the born-with-less-
than-half-a-brain imbecilic
incompetents who handle luggage at the airport had forgotten to send my luggage with
me, leaving me in sub-zero
temperatures clad in only a T-
shirt and jeans. Upon arriving
home, I received a call informing me that my luggage was
mistakenly sent to Mexico.
Fair enough, I figured - after
all, the international airport
abbreviation "YVR" does
uncannily seem to say
"Mexico City." At first I experienced denial - maybe this
was a common example of an
airline practical joke; however,
denial soon gave way to anger
- "I can't believe 50 million
dollars of our tax money has
just gone to bailing out this
rotten @#$%ing scum-infested
airline company that doesn't
even serve good peanuts!!!"
These feelings soon turned to
jealousy -1 mean, why
couldn't they have sent my
luggage to Vancouver and ME
to Mexico City instead -1
could deal with that. Anyway,
I was finally at the point of
acceptance of the fate of my
luggage, when I received
another call at about 10:00 PM
this evening: "We're sorry Mr.
Khandwala, but we regret to
inform you that your luggage
has been sent from Mexico to
Iran." What??? "YVR???"
'Tehran???" How the hell...?
Anyway, that's enough
venting for now. The point of
this whole story is that some of
you now have sports rebates
filled out and waiting to be
claimed in Iran. By the way,
while you're there I'd appreciate it if you'd each bring back
some of my clothes - especially the winter stuff and my tennis racquet. Thanks.
Actually, almost all of your
first term rebates are completed and waiting to be picked up
at the AMS Business office on
the second floor of the SUB.
To pick them up, simply tell
the person at the counter that
you're expecting a SUS Sports
Rebate and tell them your
name. You'll need to present
photo ID, and then you'll
receive your cash or cheque,
depending on the amount of
the rebate.
Right now I'm working on
revising and standardizing the
policy for rebate applications
and disbursements for this
term. There will probably be a
couple significant changes for
most of you, and I'll discuss
them all in the next issue -
probably.
Other than that, I'm more
than pleased with science participation and competition
numbers for the first term,
which put us ahead of the pack
in both Women and Men sport
points competition. Keep up
the good work, and don't forget about the year-end SUS
Sports Banquet - date and
location to be announced.
You'll be able to fill in your
forms to claim individual sport
points as soon as I get them
done and distributed, which
should be sometime within the
next two weeks or so.
Well I'm off to the
airport to do some heavy duty
whining for some sort of cash
reimbursement or something
so I can by another ski jacket
and a pair of shoes. Later... 8
The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 8 $18 Ian '93
Skiing the Forest for the Trees
folly
ROGER
Ahh. The start of second
term. That lovely time of year
when a man's fancy turns to
thoughts of how much he's
really gonna turn it on this
term and pull all of his marks
out of the mud by April. That,
and what he's gonna do this
weekend, 'cuz hey, it's only
January, I' ve got all term yet...
Famous last words. 'Tis
true, however, that people traditionally spend January doing
just about anything except
studying. In fact, I'm almost
convinced that the sixth force
in the universe that physicists
have been trying to discover
for years is really the
Procrastinatory Force. I think
it might actually be associated
with the concept of friction - it
opposes motion of any kind,
and it's absolutely inescapable.
I mean, there's always plenty
of time to do that lab after, for
instance, a movie, or the Super
Bowl, or a bike ride, right?
And on those days when
you've actually planned to get
a little work done, something
more intriguing invariably
pops up. It happens to everyone. Especially when you're
faced with a pile of paperwork
that, deep down, you'd really
rather burn for heat than actually work on, and suddenly a
little voice inside your head
says, Hey, I wonder what's in
this drawer? Three hours later,
you've only done one ques
tion, but your desk is ornately
decorated with several hundred
paper clip sculptures, you've
fashioned a wickedly bouncy
little ball out of rubber cement,
and you've Silly-Puttied every
piece of printed material in
sight. Nothing like a desk job.
Personally, my favorite form
of mid-winter academic
stalling is downhill siding.
Somehow, it helps me to relax
and apply myself better to my
work. I think this might have
something to do with the fact
that I always manage to subconsciously scare the liver out
of myself doing it making a
nice safe session of enzyme
kinetics problems sound all the
more inviting.
Admittedly, skiing is a
rather odd sport. There's
something in the self-preservation portion of the brain that
says, "Flying down a steep
incline on a pair of slippery
two-by-fours is not conducive
to good health." (But, then
again, there's something equally unnatural about knocking a
little white ball around for four
miles and chasing after it trying to hit a hole in the ground
four inches wide, and skiing's
more fun.) For those of you
who don't actually partake in
the sport, suffice it to say that
there are a few cardinal rules
to remember when out on the
slopes, should you actually
venture forth one of these
days:
1. Snow is your friend. Forget
everything you ever learned
about snow being a useful
and versatile weapon when
you were a kid. The key
thing to remember here is
that the snow is by far the
softest, most hospitable
substance on the entire hill.
If you're going to collide
with something, do
everything within your
power to ensure that that
something is white and
fluffy. Luckily, this isn't
hard, as most of the ground
is usually covered in it.
Under no circumstances
assume that a tree / chairlift
tower / big fat guy on
Rossignols will prove a
suitable alternative. Ren and
Stimpy bounce off things
rather well. You will not.
2. Gravity is not your friend.
Gravity on a ski hill is a
thing to be held in the same
regard as a bottle of Jack
Daniels. Used sparingly, it
can be an endless source of
fun and enjoyment. Let it get
out of hand and you'll be all
over the place in a biiiiiig
hurry.
Never use more than you can
handle. Well, almost never.
(About the only time you
should actually try to use a
tree for brakes is when the
only alternative is any more
than ten feet of sheer,
undiluted and rapidly
approaching gravity.)
3. Never drink while skiing.
You might hit a bump and
spill your drink. Drink on
the lift instead.
4. Rocks. Don't ski on them.
Don't ski into them. Try real
hard not to ski under them.
Ski off them. 'Nuffsaid.
5. Dress appropriately. Just
because it's suntan weather
THEA'S/KOERNER'S
Thea Koerner House (grad centre). 6371 Crescent Road, 822-8954]
LIVE MUSIC LINEUP
Thurs. (7:30) and some Fridays (8 pm) in
Koerner's
(open M-F 4-12)
most Fridays (8 pm) in bdjBKyjj (open Fridays from 5 p.m.)
Koerner's has food from 4;30 p.m. to 8:30, daily beverage specials,
pool ladder & movie night Mon., darts night Tues., bridge Wed, &
large TV for MUlHHllllw & other shows.no cover, all welcome.
Jan.22:
I Great Purple Earth Ban
0, TBC. Jan. 21: solo act.
Jan.28-29:
DishPig
(killer blues band, danceable), TBC.
Feb. 5: MM:iafAKlllkyiPl showcase. Also Mar. 5, new acts,
folk 5:00 (Karin King, Colleen Ecclcston, Tammy Fassacrt, more), jazz 7:30
(Jazz Hand & guests), blues 9:00 (DishPig & jam)., rock 10:30 (No Names Mentioned & The Flu).
Feb. 11-12:
(danceable celtic rock), TBC.
The PaperBoys
Feb. 17-19: Mf&HHI (progressive rock), MMiWJU , TBC.
Koerner's
Feb. 22-26: jazz festival week, various acts at
doesn't mean you won't
need yer long Johns. Trust
me, frostbite really sucks.
(And do me a personal favor
- don't buy a $1200 suit that
looks like a high-speed
accident involving a Pizza
Hut van and the Jefferson
Airplane tour bus, like some
of these tourists do. They
really look disgusting.)
6. It's all in the rhythm.
Skiing becomes a lot of fun
once you get the right
rhythm going. As you schiiss
merrily down the slopes, you
may find that singing a tune
to yourself helps you get
into the groove. Stick to
something upbeat -1 like
Satriani for powder,
Fishbone for mogul skiing.
Artists to stay away from:
Little Richard - too much
screaming involved.
Someone might think you're
either barking mad or
horribly out of control.
James Brown - someone will
think you're barking mad.
Madonna - hip sways, pelvic
thrusts and excessively bow-
legged stance will throw you
off balance and into the
trees.
Ice Cube ~ violent,
provocative lyrics will incite
you to drive your pole clean
through the next butthead
that cuts you off.
Michael Bolton -
uncontrollable tears will
freeze to your face. Most
uncomfortable.
Bee Gees - well, for obvious
reasons.
So the next time you feel that
the weekend just isn't going to
be one of those beehives of
academic activity, go skiing.
Who knows - you might get
lucky and overuse gravity in a
big way, and there's nothing
that can cure the homework
blues like extended medical
leave. Happy plummeting!
SIS Executive Flections
Nominations Open February I, 1W3
POSITIONS AVAILABLE:
President: Is ilk1 main spokesperson forihe society (we're lalking 1500
people here'), presides o\ er general and eouneil meetings of Ihe society.
snpenises and direels ihe duties olihe e\eeuli\e and eouneil.   Ihe president i
basically ihe head honeho and generally gets blamed lor everything that goes
wrong.
Internal Vice President: Co ordmales academic affairs"! like lite Teaching
Keuew. and ihe Teaehing Excellence Award), c hails the hist Year Students'
Coinntillce, tuns the clcclions.'and is tvneralh one ol'lhc more omani/ed ol
External Vice President: Acts as a liaison between other Faculties. Acts
Ihe chief AMS spokesperson lot Ihe SI'S on AMS Council. Coordinates
Science Week.
Director of Publications: Is m charge ol eiisunni: that the 4.>2. the Cuide
eil. Although llus person does
blicalions experience tna\ be i
F.xecutis e Secretary: Keeps all the records of the society. is responsible lot
all correspondence of Ihe society, prepares the minutes and agendas ol SIS
and also >iis on AMS council.
Director of Finance: Handles all the money of ihe SI'S. This job requires a
grasp of accounting principles and an ability to play the heavy when il conies
lo requests for money. Also sils on AMS Council.
Sports Director: Science students are a force lo be reckoned xxtlli as far as
intramural sports. Sports Director is in charge oforgani/ing ihe spoils reps as'
well as ihe sports rebates. Spoils is one ol'lhc largest SI'S budget items.
NF.W'TilIS YF.AU!:
Public Relations Officer: Ensures thai the Employment Rep. the Charily
Coordinaloi. and lite Sponsorship Coordinaloipositions are filled and in
aclion. Is an AMS Kep for the SI'S.
Social (oordinalor:   lakes care of organi/ing till of ihe social activities ol ihe
Sl S. including Ihe Wine and Cheese. Ihe ACM. the Sports Banquet, the
Dances and the licet Cat dens.  This position also invokes being the booking
tepieseiil.iliy e. lot Ihe SI S.
Nominations Close February Nth at 6:00 pm.
and must be returned lo Patrick I.um,
Flections (ominissioner.
Feb. 26, 7 p.m.-12:
ISTOATERS
& 3 oth. acts, Banquet Rm., tix avail. Feb. 1.
DON'T PANIC'
AMS WORD PROCESS*^
will do it for yovi    "
• on campus
• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640
Mon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm

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