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The 432 Sep 8, 1998

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VOLUME   12   ISSUE   01   •  9.8.98
?**
Main Library Condemned
Due to Infestation
In a true comedy of errors, the Old Mail
Library has been condemned by the
Vancouver Fire Marshal's Office.
Apparently the university had the building
inspected last May, and when signs of termites were found, took appropriate action
to prevent further damage to one of the oldest buildings on campus.
"This closure couldn't have come at a worse
time," Napreet Gill, UBC President Martha
Piper's Secretary told 432 reporters,
"September is when we rely upon that
building the most." A spokesperson for
the Fire Marshal's office informed the
432 that the building was deemed to
pose "an undue risk to human life and well
being" after a routine follow-up inspection
found more problems.
Notice was given to the university on
Thursday of last week, and the staff of the
library has been hastily moving all of the
cameras and supplies over to the Student
Recreation Centre by the first day of school.
Students must go to the SRC to take their
Student Card pictures. The Student
Recreation Centre is located directly North-
East of the Student Union Building.
Unfortunately all of the literature handed
out to students directs people to the Main Library, so the president's office expects a
lot of confusion during Imagine UBC and throughout the first two weeks of school.
"Students will not be able to get their ID's at the Main library," Napreet explains,
"students who are waiting to pick up their finished student card must go to the UBC
Bookstore to pick them up. The finished cards will not be available at the SRC."
When asked why there was so much confusion over the whole process of simply
moving the location, Napreet responded: "Well, all of the blame can be laid squarely upon the little furry shoulders of the squirrels. Had it not been for their subsequent infestation after the termites were terminated, everything would have gone off
without a hitch."
We asked an employee of the West Sixteenth Extermination Co. why the squirrels
moved in so quickly and how they were
able to damage the building in such a
way as to cause it to be a safety risk to
students and staff. Alan Rickman
replied:
"What happened was, we were
called in to exterminate a moderate termite
infestation. We determined that the most
eco-friendly way to rid the
building of the insects was to
use a bio-pesticide.  In this
"Students will not be
Able to get their id's at
The main library."
president piper's office
case, we used a walnut based solution. This was safest to the building and was quite
effective in removing the bugs." When asked why they had not foreseen the possibility that squirrels would be attracted to the walnut juice, he replied: "Well, that's
the thing you see. These squirrels that we have in there now aren't you average garden variety little buggers. This particular batch we believe is an entire colony of
Asian Red Squirrels. They escaped for a ship carrying them to Cuba, where they are
apparently a delicacy, the ship was scheduled to stop at Vancouver and San Francisco
before continuing to Havana,
these Asian Reds somehow
escaped shortly after, or during
the spraying of the bio-pesticide.
And what we found out was that
there is indeed a squirrel that
likes this particular walnut
sauce."
The 432: "So how do you plan to
deal with these squirrels?"
AR: "There is one particular
species of Ferret that tracks down
the Asian Reds, the Douglas ferrets."
The 432: "What about the ferrets, won't they cause a health
risk?"
AR: "Yes, well, the Truman breed
of raccoon has proved quite effective in neutralizing the Douglas
Ferrets. Since The Truman raccoons are quite common to the
lower mainland, we don't foresee
any problems with releasing the
'coons to the wild."
The 432: "So what do you mean
'neutralize'? The raccoons kill the
ferrets?"
AR: "No, the Douglas' are tough
little war horses, they don't seem
to die, they just fade away."
^ ^^* -i^-;
Writing for The 432:
• Is fun and exciting!
;- • Is rewarding!
• jbooks great on a resi^,
•'Is-£ great way to magpie Editor!
• R^qulpes very little l|pfacy!
• Getsjfoi^inro every fzzr garden afcUBC!
The first Official 432 ContribuEr^ .Meeting of 98/99 is on
Wednesday September 16th at 4:32PM in SUS (Chem B160).
Anybody who is interested in writing, or especially drawing for The^2
is invited to this meeting where the requirements (or lack thereof) wltfpe
discussed. This wilt also be an opportunity to meet the editor a.#tf stiff,
and to mooch all of the free pizza/pop/bzzr you c%#ingest.
To shy to come into SUS? You can e-mail all submissions to drtem^j^ntercltg.ubc.ca.
UBC's New Belle-Curve
Amidst several allegations by
Winter Session 1997-98 students
that current grading practices
are unfair, the Faculty of Science has
implemented a new grading system, to
be effective immediately.
In previous years, students were graded on a traditional system which took
into account marks received on
midterm and final exams, as well as
laboratories, if required. Averages for
individual courses would vary widely
amongst sections based on the abilities
of the professor teaching each section,
an aspect of the system that most students found to be unfair. "It's not my
fault if my prof was on crack," said student Sarah Nevile. "It's my fault that I
was on it, but man, I shouldn't have to
suffer because my prof was too."
Under the new system, students will
not be graded on coursework. Instead,
at the end of term each class will
assemble separately in the Chan
Centre. Students will be given a swim-
suit and banner embossed with their
student number. All professors teaching a particular course will form a
judging committee, and will grade the
swimsuit-clad students on poise, beauty, and firmness of thighs and buttocks
as they walk across the stage.
"We feel that the new grading system
is not only fair, but fits nicely with the
Dean's desire to run the Faculty following accepted scientific principles,"
says Dean's office secretary Clarence
Wu. "By implementing a pageant
grading system, we can ensure that
only the fittest, firmest students are
able to graduate and find good jobs.
Successful graduates will be more likely to breed and propagate their genetic
material. It's as close to Social
Darwinism as we're gonna get this century."
In somewhat related news, the RCMP
closed down a small lab operating
behind the Dean's office in the
Biosciences building. The Dean is
denying reports that the lab was in fact
a front for a major eugenics corporation. page two
The
432
9.8.98
The Swiss Army, Wyatt Erp, et al
It's September 3rd. I am a fifth year student trying to graduate. I currently am
registered in zero credits, I am currently
living out of my car. I feel good.
There's nothing like a little hysteria to
really get you feeling alive. Maybe this
is the kind of feeling that was rampant
during the renaissance around Venice
when the de Medicis were running
around killing, maiming, extorting and
what not.
That's my kind of town. No real source
of authority except cash and goon
squads. Sure you can't go walking
around unarmed, but look at all the
architecture and art and rediscovery of
lost views. I think giving up a little personal safety is worth the gains in
human experience.
Lets take a look at the swiss. What a
bunch of numb nuts. Sure they have
2000 years of peace arid harmony, but
what do they come up with? Banks and
cuckoo clocks. Whoop dee-fucking-do.
Now what about about Canada. I for
one think we have a little too much
peace and tranquillity. Maybe it's the
testosterone talking, but its been a long
time since we had a good war. Now I'm
not saying I really want to go off killing
people with no real consequences, but I
think a little social upheaval would be a
serious boon to the Canadian art culture.
Have you seen the CBC lately? Any
show that they produce is a big load of
crap. I'm serious. Who's running the
show over there, Rip Taylor's dog?
When was the last time you heard of
any famous Canadian artist who wasn't
Bill Reid on television. But the thing is
I'm grateful for not being subjected to
the current wash of "socially significant" "performance" "art". What ever
happened to beauty for beauty's sake.
Time to switch gears.
I've been living in the seething
metropolis of Port Hardy for the past
few months. This is one weird community. Its a town of less than five thousand full-time residents which has a n
exceedingly high murder rate. I was in
this bar called the Seagate the year
before last when a guy came in with a
shotgun and began shooting up the bar.
I was really pissed off because this bar
was the only one still open at 1:30 in
the morning.
Now less than two weeks ago a fellow
who was having a nice dinner with his
girlfriend and buddy decided it would
be a funny idea to grab his axe and start
a swingin'. Luckily for him nobody
died. Unlucky for everybody else
because he'll be out in six months.
Please don't think I'm advocating
longer prison sentences. In fact I'd like
shorter prison sentences. Shorter
Sentences in really nasty prisons.
Now last year a guy wondered on
down to the local convenience store,
aptly named the "OK Corral", and
dumped three 30-06 rounds into a guy's
chest. He proceeded to go straight to
the local police precinct where he
found absolutely no police anywhere,
they were all down at the store.
About three years ago there was a party
in Coal Harbour, it's kind of a Port
Hardy Heights. A young fellow happened to mistake the parking lot for a
pool and dove out of the second story
window, with the help of a few of his
"friends".
Unfortunately, this hasn't helped the
Port Hardy Art scene one bit. Maybe I'll
sit the next war out.
For those who are new to the 432, Jake's
style of writing may seem a bit eccentric.
No, eccentric is when you are rich, it's just
a bit crazy. However, I must say in Jake's
defence that he was under the influence of
something else today.
Jake, Miss Jenn, Mandy, and I went to
Koerner's Pub today to sit back and relax
on the patio with a nice cold one. We
ordered a pitcher of hemp beer to start, and
I think that there was something strange in
it. Now, there is no THC in hemp beer, so I
think that the bartender spiked the pitcher
with something a bit more exotic. When
we all got back to SUS, we were feeling
quite weitd. None of us had any idea who
each other were, or why we were all naked.
All we could remember was that the Second
Class Bash was on Wednesday the 9th. -ed
DON'T THINK FOR IF SECOND THAT THEY AREN'T WATCHING.
Editorial
Craii
Temple
Well, we're all back here at UBC.
Land of knowledge, study, and
the frivolous waste of money
by both UBC and the AMS. What's got
me angry right now, is the upgrading
that the AMS is doing in the Student
Union Building.
You may have noticed that there is a
particular signage in the SUB. It is this
trend of different coloured signs with
curved tops. Well, the combined intellect of the AMS has decided that it's a
great idea to have giant wooden, painted, custom made signs above all of the
posting boards in the SUB. There are
huge planks above the housing board,
sales board, etc. It is true that if you want
to get a light bulb changed in the
Student Union Building, union bullshit
dictates that you get a work order for
Plant Ops. to come out and do it. So, I
can't imagine that these signs were
exactly cheap.
Not only have they constructed these
wooden planks of overkill, but there was
also the construction of a giant wrought-
iron metal marquee above the AMS executive offices. I'm sure that the materials
alone for this one cost at least $300.
What I want to know is why? Why on
Ear-woah, this is turning into one of
those bitchy, whiny editorials, I fucking
hate those so I'll start over.
Ah, the first issue of the 12th volume of
The 432 is in your hot little hands. What
does that mean to you. Well, If yOu're in
first year, you're probably reading this
rather than listening to all those dumb-
assed speakers at the Imagine event in
War Memorial Gym. If you're a veteran
UBC student, you're probably ignoring
how much the midterm is worth in your
316 class. You are carefully measuring
me up to previous volumes of The 432,
comparing the subtle influence that I
have over the paper to that that Jeremy
Thorp or John Hallet had in the past two
years. Most likely you are an ignorant
fool, who wasn't aware that there was a
shift in the balance of power in The 432
and are just glad that you don't have to
suffer through another "Ask Dr.
Temple."
No matter what year you are in you can
smell a special something in the air here
on campus. It conjours up excitement,
eagerness, and a sense of thrill just being
here and knowing that the odour is the
sweet smell of frosh. You may have seen
the troops of frosh parading around
under banners sporting such witty
Science humour as Helium and Nickel.
Hey, we're better than arts. Would you
rather be following John Milton or A
cleverly folded Europium sign that now
reads opium? See the possibilities that
Science offers? Aren't you glad you chose
Science? Perhaps you saw the frosh wandering around outside the second class
bash with a distinct lack of ID. It's possible you saw a few "volunteering" behind
the bar.
Whatever your year -that's not true, it's
no fun for the frosh- it's great to have
another younger group to inflate your
ego, just a bit more.
One thing you have to look forward to
if you are a frosh is the distinct lack of
rules at UBC. This can be good and bad,
but overall it's nice to say: "Well, it's
almost afternoon, I suppose it's time for
an instabzzr." instabzzr is the clever little
add-on to SUS's pop machine that dispenses sweet golden goodness which
pours forth from a can. No, not
Mountain Dew, bzzr.
If you are a Science student you probably received The Guide '98 not too long
ago (Unless you're a fourth year then
you'll have to come into SUS and pick
one up). The Guide is the Summer publication designed to totally drain the
Science Director of Publications, yours
truly, of all happiness during the nicest
Summer in Vancouver since I've been
alive.
Finally, The Guide is done, and I got to
take a nice afternoon off before I began
production of this the first issue of The
432. I'm sitting in SUS at 9:10 in the
morning, just about to bus this down to
the printers. I've been a little distracted
tonight; SUS has a new edition. Miss
Jenn found a four foot wide by six and a
half foot tall, picture of John Jacob
Dinkleheimersmith. I shit you not. This
is a picture from the waist up of this guy
taken sometime in '91. The guy is huge,
his head is larger than my torso, and
that's saying a lot, I'm not a small guy.
Where Miss Jenn decided to put it is just
on the edge of my periferal vision and
every so often I look up and this giant is
standing over my shoulder, with his eyes
closed and his huge tongue sticking out.
This may not sound to bad, but I've had
about a dozen each of Coke and Nesteas,
and it's really freaking me out.
Oh well, the first issue of the 12th year
of the 432 is complete I hope you enjoy
reading it as much as I did reading my
first one. And if you have any semblance
of literacy, or can draw anything more
than a rudimentary stick figure.
Seriously think about submitting something to The 432. You can stick whatever
you want in The 432 drawer here in
SUS/Chem B160 (Ask anybody, they'll
help you out, and they're really friendly), slide it under the door, or if you
want, email it to me at drtemple@inter-
chg.ubc.ca. Anything you submit will be
greatly appreciated.
Volume 12 Issue 1        __.
8 SEPTEMBER 1998
© 1998 Ifce Science Undergraduate
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.
The 4$2 is the official newspaper of the
Science Undergraduate Society, published
twice monthly with the help of copious
quantities of Panagapoulos New York Deli
Pizza, GoKe, and heroin. Distribution provided by the Muskrat Student's Society.
All opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Society.
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
432.
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
Etftor-in-Chiet
Contributors
Andy Martin
Grad temple
drtemple@intsrchg.ubc.ca
Cartoonist
.Jake ieliiiaf
Your Name Here CBeastl
Breeome laxtsp
ftaifirp Murray
ilex larji
Jay Garcia
Mandy Seim*
MM tialiitt
jateiwy
Jan gardy
ftamt iaitalaiseit
Henry «Si| 9.8.98
The
432
page three
U Legless Dish Boy!
jM/jge*?;.
CTW Miss,
f ft   Jenn
First of all, welcome back to another
year of the Adventures of Miss Jenn
-the only 432 columnist with a
naked byline. Yes, the byline really does
look like me. If you don't believe me,
come by the SUS Office (Chem B160).
I'll be the one tied up in the corner.
Every year I work for BC Hydro and this
year I ended up in Marketing & PR. Part
of my job entailed looking after the
Hydro display at the PNE. Most of the
time you herd seniors like cattle in a pen
so they can line up to ask Shell Busey,
Home Improvement Overlord Of BC and
the equivalent of Elvis to the over-65 set,
how to caulk their bathtub. Caulk is a
funny word. Shell used to give out a tool
called "Caulk Away" during his show
and the package said "For easy removal
of old caulk." I think I might buy one
and try it on ex-boyfriends.
Twice a day the PNE Parade would come
around; maybe you've seen it. This is
the lamest parade I've ever seen. If the
PNE Parade were a person, it would be
that weird kid from high school who was
into D&D, wore really tight acid-washed
jeans, and had really really clean, white
Kmart sneakers. It's basically a bunch of
pimply teenage dancers doing square-
dance-meets-the-ghetto type moves to
banjo techno. I think they're all on
crack because there's no way anyone not
under the influence could look happy
being associated in any way with that
parade. One of the girls wears this peacock-like display of corn which is on
wheels and hitches on to her backside.
Every time she comes around it makes
me think of a dog that's paralyzed and
has to wear one of those wheelie-diaper
things.
Before we go any further in this story,
you must understand something about
my co-workers. We think the people in
the parade are on crack. We know we
are.
The passage of the parade past the BC
Hydro tent was something to look forward to, purely because it was an awesome target. By the 2nd day, the parade
marshals knew there was going to be
trouble every time they passed our tent.
You could smell the fear. Incidentally,
fear smells a lot like those little Mini-
donuts.
Sunday afternoon we all waited with
disturbingly sociopathic anticipation for
the arrival of the 5:00 parade. As it came
round the corner, one of my work mates,
the absolutely hilarious Narinder,
shoved his way through the crowds and
joined one of the square-dance formations, beaming from ear to ear and dancing like a go-go girl on speed. We were
all pissing ourselves laughing until one
of the 15 year old route marshals muscled our man out of the parade. Then
we laughed even harder.
Not content with mild sabotage of the
5:00 parade, we raced around to the
other side of the fairgrounds to catch up
with the front of the parade. Picture a
straightaway lined with about 1,000
people on either side waiting for the
parade to pass by. Narinder, wearing a
shirt that could double as a BC Hydro
billboard, proceeds to burst into the
parade again, and manages to not get
thrown out for several hundred metres.
He's dancing like a madman and the
entire crowd is egging him on...
Later that evening we closed up the
main tent and sat around inside, looking
for trouble to get into. We found it in
the audio equipment cupboard. We borrowed Shell Busey's wireless mike and
quickly figured out how to turn it on.
It's amazing how much fun you can
have with one microphone. First we hid
in the bush and made comments as people walked by. Then we set up our chairs
for the 9:00 parade. Not content to
dance in the parade this time, we
brought the mike along and sang along
with the techno songs. It's kind of
funny until you consider the fact that
our mike was louder than theirs, so we
were the only thing you could hear...
The people in the parade also wear
nametags, so everybody got constructive
criticism over the loudspeaker.
That's what I did at work this summer.
Sometime I had to wear the Louie the
Lightning Bug Costume too, but that's
another column...
I learned a lot this summer. Hydro customers are on crack. It is impossible to
catch a mini donut in your mouth from
6 feet away. Alcohol and wireless microphones do mix, despite what the LCB
may tell you. And never let your kids
near Louie the Lightning Bug because
the person inside is probably a few tits
short of an udder.
J can't see anything wrong with Miss
Jenn's udder from where I'm sitting, -ed
Jay's Article
c
?
Garcia
Once again, the end of a long summer and the beginning of a new
school year. Whenever this time
of year rolls around, I feel like one of
those somewhat apathetic protagonists
still left standing at the end of some
summer movie disaster flick — kinda
like Tea Leoni in Deep Impact standing
at the edge of the ocean, except that I'm
shorter and not as cute. Maybe I feel
more like Matthew Broderick in the broken-down taxi at the end of Godzilla;
I'm more his size, but I can't quite
muster the dazed aplomb and blank-
eyed good looks that ol' Matt can.
It's just that this weird interface of time
between summer and school engenders
in me strong feelings of dread and relief.
On one hand, you're horrified about
what's going to happen, but on the
*** Dumb-assed
Easy Contest #1
Somewhere in the paper there is a headline which is
somewhat... cryptic. Okay, it's the headline for Miss Jenn's
article. You can re-arrange the letters in the headline and
spell out a sentence that has some relevance to her article.
If you are the first one to come into SUS (Chem B160) with
the correct answer, you will win an Official 432 Rex Morgann
T-Shirt™. The second and third person with the correct
answer will each win an Official Science Mug™.
Fine Print:
Contest not open to SUS hacks, 432
writers/illustrators, bumble-bees, or
Edrick Yu. Especially not Edrick Yu.
other hand, the inevitability of it all
ends up as a comfort, because there's not
much you can do about it. Probably
much the same way you'd feel standing
at the edge of an ocean with a thousand
foot high tidal wave about to come
crashing down to pound you into so
much salty mulch.
Ultimately, this denouement-time
leaves me with a strange sense of anxious anticipation. With the summer
slowly slipping away, I keep expecting
credits to roll up from the horizon every
time I look into a sunset. But it's not
gonna happen. That, I suppose, is one
of the problems with life. It's the lack of
well-defined transitions. I mean, the
summer movies have it right. No matter
how sappy the content or gory the film,
there's something reassuring about the
theatre going dark, and then lighting up
again as the screen bursts into life.
Creation in miniature, Hollywood-style.
Life, on the other hand, is one long, continuous take, with no director yelling
"Cut!" and ordering a re-shoot when the
principle actors miss their marks or mess
up their lines.
How comforting life would be, if that
weren't the case. Some sort of direction,
or an overall plan, coupled with a little
editing, could make the most mundane
of summers look like a comic-book
turned action-flick starring a Wesley
Snipes-type as the principle protagonist.
I can see it now; the Movie of My
Summer, the Hollywood Version: directed by Kevin Smith (of Clerks and
Chasing Amy fame), starring-a shorter
and more ascerbic Drew Carrey, or
maybe a younger and less living-
impaired Jerry Garcia (hey, we even
share a last name), co-starring that hot-
tie from Dawson's Creek, whatsname,
Katie Holmes, with appearances by Neve
Campbell and Winona Ryder, and shot
in and around Vancouver, with locations
in the various Tim Horton's, Knight and
Day's, and Denny's found in the fine city
of Surrey. Featuring a sound track by the
Mothersbaugh's (the guiding spirits
behind Devo), the Crystal Method and
Fatboy Slim! It'd be produced for the
tune of $25 million (american dollars,
which translates to something like $2.3
billion Canadian), which, given the skyrocketing prices for Hollywood films,
would be bargain any which way you cut
it.
Alas, however, such was not meant to
be. Instead of car chases and cozying up
to cute starlets, this summer's been spent
on work, work, school, more work, and,
oh yeah, studying during any time I wasn't working. Let that be a lesson to you,
boys and girls. If one has a major,
career-determining exam to take at the
end of the summer, then it is probably
most unwise to be holding down two
jobs and working more than sixty hours
a week, leaving you precious little time
to study for said exam. It's enough to
make one look forward to the school
year.
Seriously though, what student could
ever say that phrase with a straight face?
It's not as if the school year promises to
hold anything better than the workaday
drear the summer offered. I'll still be
putting in sixty-plus hours a week in
terms of classes, papers, and research,
except this time, I'm not receiving a fat
(well, fat-ish) paycheck every two weeks.
Faced with a choice of being caught
between the tedium of a working summer and the panic cycles of the school
year, it's no wonder that I can sympathize with Bruce Willis' character at the
end of Armageddon. Move over Brucie-
boy, and gimmie that nuclear detonation device.
Then again, maybe if I could figure out
a way to edit in some scenes involving
car chases and cute starlets into my class
schedule, say, somewhere in between
medical genetics and cell physiology,
then my life for the next eight months
would be set. I hear Katie Holmes and
Claire Danes were thinking of heading
to college in the fall...
If Jay's life were to be made into a movie,
Danny De Vito would star in it. It could
never be a success though, people aren't
going to go see a movie with an imaginary
leading lady, -ed page four
The
432
9.8.98
Dr. Seuess on Crack
One frosh, Two frosh. Orange
frosh, Blue frosh. Pink frosh, blue
frosh. Old frosh, new frosh.
This one has a little car. This one has a
four coloured clicky keener pen. Say,
look how many frosh there are!
Yes. Some are orange. And some are
blue. Some-are old. And some are new.
Some are sad (they probably didn't get
into the Pit last night with their fake ID),
and some are glad (these ones must have
out-of-province fake ID). And some are
very, VERY bad. (For all those who are
interested, Dr. Temple will be giving a
lecture on the bad, bad frosh the second
Tuesday or Wednesday of school, in
Chem. B160 at 4:32pm). Why are they
sad and glad and bad? I do not know. Go
ask your floor supervisor.
Some are thin. The short one has a silly
cat. The tall one has a yellow hat. From
there to here, from here to there funny
things are everywhere! (It's amazing how
things seem to get fun-er as the night
gets drunk-er)
There are some who like to run. A beer
run in the hot, hot sun. Oh me! Oh my.
Tweedle dee, twiddle dye. What a lot of
funny things go by. If wearing red, it is a
'geer. They like beer. They like lots of
beer. They like YOUR beer. But do not
fear. Just watch your rear.
Some frosh are two feet. And some are
four. Some are six feet, but few are more.
Where do they come from? I cannot say.
But I bet they have come a long, long
way. From coast to coast, from hill to
ditch. Figuring Canadian geography is a
serious "CENSORED by the language
police**
We see them come. We see them go. If
late for math, they are fast. If waiting for
lunch, they are slow. The artsies are
high. The TA's are low. Not one of them
is like another. Don't ask us why. Go call
your mother.
Say! Look at his fingers! One, two,
three... How many fingers do I see? How
many beers have I had? One, two, three,
four, five, eight, ten. He has eleven!
Eleven! This is something new. They are
putting something funky in the beers.
Who is he? His name is Ned. He does
not like his tiny Totem bed. This is no
good. This is not right. His feet stick off
the bed all night. And when he pulls
them in, Oh dear! His head sticks off the
bed. Poor little Ned. He wishes he was in
another's bed.
Hello there, Ned. How do you do? Tell
me, tell me, what is new? How are things
in your little bed? What is new? Please
tell me, Ned.
"I do not like this bed at all. A lot of
things have come to call. A cow, a dog, a
cat, a mouse. Oh! what a bed! What a
house! Why did I move into Res?"
Oh, look. A chemistry grad student! Let
us bask in the wisdom. "My hat is old.
My teeth are gold. I have a beaker I like
to hold. My shoe is off. My foot is cold.
My shoe is off. My foot is cold. I have a
beaker I like to hold. And now my story
is told." Ok, let's wander elsewhere.
We took a look, and saw a Rook! On his
hat he had a hook. On his hook he had
a book. On his book was "How to Cook."
We saw him sit and try to cook. He took
a look at the book on the hook. But the
Rook can't cook. SO.... What good to the
Rook is a hook cook book?
By now, the moon was out and we sAw
soMe Sheep. We saw some sheep take a
walk in their sleep. By the light of The
Moon, by the light of clock tower, they
walked all night, from near to far. I
would never walk. I would take a car. Or
at least a bus.
I do not like that prof so well. All he
does is yell, yell, yell. I will not ask this
one my questions, I'll leave it 'til we
make suggestions. This prof is quiet as a
mouse. She will tell me all about Gauss.
This comp sci student, I think, is Bink.
He likes to wink. He is a fink. I think he
stinks. He likes to drink. He likes to drink
and drink and drink. The thing he likes
to drink is ink. The ink he likes to drink
is pink. He likes to wink and drink pink
ink. SO... if you have a lot of pink ink,
then I think you should be introduced to
Bink, the winky stinky drinky fink. And
I think that Bink should be shown the
location of Student Health Services.
They have had lots of experience in
pumping stomachs.
Look what we found in Pacific Spirit
Park in the dark! We will call it Clark. We
will take him to the lab. We will put it on
the slab. I will cease this silly blip, it's
starting to sound like a Rocky Horror
Picture Show clip.
I will stop my writing now, I have to
chase one more mad cow. The moral of
my story is, write for this paper, because
we don't bite. Most of us don't.
Sleep tight.
J once had a dream with Bree and a bunch
of mad cows in it. I don't remember too
much, but I woke up exhausted and knew
all the ingredients in McDonald's Special
Sauce, -ed
The Dead Pool III
Spain
TempJi
The Official 432 Dead Pool III.
UBC's most tasteless contest
returns for it's third year. A word of
caution however, if you are offended easily or sicken the thought of betting on
someone's death, then you should go to
www.realdoll.com and stay away from
this kind of sicko stuff.
You can't outwit death, but you can sure
make a nice profit off it. Here's how:
make a list of fifteen famous folk who
you think are going to take the big dirt-
nap sometime between October 1st and
the April 15th. Then submit your list, or
a copy of it to The 432 by the first of
October and start watching the evening
news with anticipation. Sure it's amoral,
insensitive, and quite frankly a little bit
sick, but it's lots of fun, and doesn't cost
a thing to enter! So why not? What have
you got to lose? Make up your list and
start waiting. Updates will be printed
every issue of The 432.
Summer was fairly slow. We lost Phil
Hartman and his wife, Franky Sinatra,
and James Michner, but not too many
other famous people. But that means
that there's a glut just waiting to kick it.
And you know that a lot of old people
are just waiting to get a bout of pneumonia and die a hacking, painful death.
Boris Yeltsin for instance. Good ol' Boris
is still hanging in there. He was a really
good bet last year, but somehow he managed to avoid assasination, massive heart
failure, alcohol poisoning, and even
those enterprising, yet disease ridden,
Moscow prostitutes.
Ronny Reagan is a pretty good pick too,
you can bet that the Secret Service contingent that follows him around has had
to rescue him from hugging busses that
he mistakes for Nancy on more than one
occasion. Also, would you really want to
continue living if all your wife ever said
was "No!"? Oh sure it starts off innocent
enough, just say no to drugs. But soon
after it's say no to alcohol, cigarettes,
and even sex. That Nancy has some
dark, dark ulterior motives, I swear it.
I also think that Kirk Douglas is a lock.
He had a stroke a year or so ago, and
now he talks a bit like Jean Cretien. He
was looking good four or five months
ago, but I think he's slipping. It's amazing he's escaped the cold hand of death
so many times as it is. But I think he's
running out of buddies that can stand
up and say: "I'm Kirk Douglas." "No, I'm
Kirk Douglas." "I'm Kirk Douglas, too!"
There are rules to the Dead Pool, however. They are necessary so that people
don't get over-ambitious in their eagerness to win. The eight rules are
listed below:
1. Make your list of 15 individuals who are going to croak anytime between October 1st and
the press time of the last 432 of
the year.
2. Hand your list into SUS before
Oct. 1st. Any deaths before Oct.
1st will not count for points.
3. Late entries will be accepted,
but only if you're really nice
about it. Obviously, you don't get
points for people who are already
dead.
4. Only include celebrities.
Names like "Anyone who lives in
Iraq.", "My roommate", or "The
Editor" will not be accepted.
Edrick Yu will be accepted. No!
That was only a joke. Do not put
Edrick Yu on your list. Should
Edrick Yu die mysteriously this
year someone will get a very
nasty letter from me.
5. All deaths on your list will
count for one point, regardless of
ordering.
6. There is no rule six.
7. Elvis is dead. If you must put
him on your list, he will have to
be proven alive and subsequently
die during the contest for you to
get a point.
8. The winner will get an Official
432 T-Shirt, a Science Mug, a pair
of Arts County Fair fix, and 1
hour alone with Miss Jenn or me.
Should you happen to be watching the
news and hear of a celeb on your list that
dies, try to control your reaction if there
are others in the room. For some reason,
many people are quite disturbed by the
whole Idea of our Dead Pool, and may
find any outbursts or jubilous exhaulta-
tion offensive. On the flip side, there are
some instances where the dead pool can
make you look like a sensitive caring
individual. In mid-September of last
year, a week after I had gotten my list in
to Jer (Last year's Ed), I was watching TV
at my Grandparent's  house when I
learned that Burgess Meredith had just
died. He played the Penguin opposite
Adam West, and most recently he was
the Really Grumpy Old Man in the two
movies. Anyways. I had him on my list.
I knew that he was my ringer, but since
he bit it two weeks early I didn't get the
points. So, when I heard this, I let out a
dejected "Awwwww..." and my Grandma
thought that I was genuinely sad that
the poor bastard croaked. So, I guess you
have to take the good with the bad, and
try not to get too affected by things like
that.
_      j 1 st Year
Barbeque
Th u rsday, Sept. 10th
On the qrass between
Chem and Angus.
11:30-1:30
FREE BURGERS FOR
FROSH!! 9.8.98
The
432
page five
Where the Streets Have No Brains
Hail
Martin
Oh dearest summer, where have
thou gone? So many a lovely day
spent  outside,   and  countless
hours behind the wheel of my truck.
That's all I ever really need, an empty
road, a full tank of gas and tunes blaring
off the stereo  (and lots and lots of
money, and a couple of scantily clad
Swe...I'm drifting again aren't I?).
Unfortunately, the empty part goes to
my tank and the full part goes to the
road...full   of  the   most   dumb-assed
bunch of drivers I think I've ever seen.
Common sense must have a very low
evaporation point, because drivers keep
getting worse and worse as  summer
wears on.    I see people taking yellow
lights later and later, people jamming on
their brakes for no reason, and it seems
like the concepts of 'merge' and 'stop
sign' are very hard to grasp for most of
the driving public in Vancouver.
Of course, not all of the assholes are
behind the wheel, I see cyclists weaving
between big rigs, running red lights,
while taking up half the road. And of
course, the pedestrians, how can I forget
the little bastards who think that my
brakes are some miracle of physics and
will take me from 60 km/h to stopped in
half a second so they can safely walk
right in front of me. I could swear they
just wait for me: "Okay...it's safe to cross.
No wait, here comes Andy's truck I'll just
wait...wait wait. Okay,     jump
out...NOW!"
It seems to me that everybody, not just
pedestrians, needs a serious lesson in
physics. These people don't seem to
realize that a half-ton of metal doing
80km can do some pretty messy damage
if it ever hits an object (either organic or
inorganic). Yet more and more people
seem to want to check their make-up,
change clothes, and talk on their cell
phones while they control this massive
force.
Everyday, you turn on the tele, and you
see some news report of 'road rage',
where some poor old granny crying
because she can't understand how someone could be so senseless as to physically hit them over how they drove. What
we don't hear is how this senile old bat
almost killed five people by changing
lanes almost directly into the other car's
front end. She could have very well been
dead with a whole bunch of innocent
bystanders, yet she thinks that she's the
victim.
By putting these two together, we come
up with a solution. Road Rage is the
selection force with which we can apply
a little discipline into Vancouver's driving. The way I see it, when some snot-
nosed punk with his peroxide blonde
girlfriend cuts off my half-ton with his
luxury car made mostly of cellophane
derivatives, I have three options:
1) My initial 'insane' reaction: Floor it
and       yell       "Yippee       Kai       Yai,
M*A&$!F*%A@#!"
Pros: I kill him.
Cons: I get dragged through expensive
court sessions, get sued and end up having to pay a lot of money and maybe end
up in jail.
2) The 'sane' reaction: Hit the brakes
quickly, avoiding his fat ass while
endangering my (less fat) own. This puts
me and the driver behind me, who is
temporarily distracted while having an
important conversation about the
Backstreet Boys with her friend Mindy
on her cell phone, in mortal danger, and
lets jackoffboy drive away to do the
exact same goddamn thing the next
time he's crossing the bridge, putting
other people's lives needlessly at risk.
Pros: No accident (maybe)
Cons: He gets away and I risk another
accident where I could be hurt and even
found at fault.
3) My new solution: Hauling his sorry
ass over to the curbside and practicing a
little deconstructive surgery on his facial
features.
Now, taking all points into consideration, what I see here is that no.3 is the
best. No one gets killed, nothing important is damaged and our little friend has
learned his lesson and will think twice
about pulling shit like that again. The
problem behaviour is selected against
and quickly stops. Society benefits by
having one less idiot who will cut off a
mother and her three kids while coming
home from feeding the homeless, and I
get to feel like a big man by kicking the
crud out of this little pansy. Oh sure, it's
a little harsh, but so is life.
Looking it over, the good are rewarded
and evil is punished, it's like a comic
book: Rageman keeping the streets safe
from the evil Dr. Distracted and his mil-
REX
TM
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J^Esaturing all of your favorite char
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T-SHIRTS
$15
Available Now in Chem B160
lions of dipstick minions (The limited
release first issue, 'Rageman versus
Tailgate Woman: Granny Guts on the
Grate', in stores September 15, 30 pages,
only $15.99 while supplies last). Okay,
maybe it doesn't exactly portray the
morals of 'Truth, Justice and the
American way' (an oxymoron if I ever
heard one), but it's still pretty cool.
So, let the people police themselves.
HOV lanes will clear overnight, ICBC
will save millions, meaning that insurance rates will go down and we all save
money. And most important of all, for
once, I'll actually be able to get a ten
minute drive or bike ride in without
almost being killed.
He might sound like a tough-guy, but
Andy's just posturing. I've seen his car. He
actually drives an '87 lime-green
Volkswagon Cabriolet, -ed
Poetic Interlude
Mandy Seymour
"Twas the week that school started when all through the SUB,
Not a freshman was stirring, even in the Pit Pub.
Their Beemers were parked down Marine drive with care,
In hopes that useful knowledge soon would be theirs.
The students in classes would long for their beds,
while visions of midterm tests danced in their heads.
Like Russians for bread, we'd all spend hours in line,
For food, for books, even beer and mulled cider wine.
Most spoke not a word, hut went straight to their work,
the pre-meds would study, unwilling to shirk.
My roommate was boring, her nose in her books,
Asleep in Math class, I'd draw unfriendly looks.
I stared at my notes but my th-'iidits vure n.v.dy,
My eyes went ablur, 1 just • ■ uldii'i studs
Countless essays and teim papeis s.i.'n piVd high,
I'd look at my homework and jirl vs.in' '■ ■ ■ iv.
My grades were plummeting ari.I .iKwin I-   ■ ! >ng,
I sighed, for as always, my «s::-a-.vi>> '.m-i-- wi- ;'g.
I'd nearly concluded that !ile '■% is !■■■) i mil
with future dependent on grail.-- i.iriud in «. !■ )ol.
When from the Chem roof thru-1.11111- s'u !■ .1 • I itter,
I sprang from the SUS couch i- ■ m i- wh.it ih< nutter.
And what to incredulous 1 «-■■>. mh-uUI ippi-.n .'
Patron Saint Party with .1 ii'm- fiosi\ beer.
His eyes how they twinkled, dimples v> mi-iiy!
A keg of beer on his b<»> k Ix ilisl 1 .11 rv
He sang in (enor quite hi.iv.nl. ■ .mil !■>«..
The hogs, malt, and yeast, he nude iserw-ne know.
"Now lager! Now nut-brown! Vmi .ill know ymii out!
Now blond ales and hemp ales, we'll sunn soil them out!"
Soon eyes were glazed over, and stoiiuc hs wen- sick,
frosh stumbled to rez so this, "flu" the v iniilil Isck.
Pit pucks were eaten, and pints "I bier were l>."ight,
As the Pit chicks danced 'bout. 1 dunk quite .1 lot.
The liquid poured into mv M-ins just 111 inn-,
for me to gather the nerve i>> help me ilimh.
Up Buch tower I rose with sik h a djmoiir.
I got to the top and tilled up with l.iughiei.
From here the whole campus seemed siiull as .1 pea,
And I burned all my exams with shouts ol gl.e. page six
The
432
9.8.98
Your Tax Dollars at Work
Ah, September. For some it is a
month of dread, to be anxiously
feared from June 22nd on. For
others it is a joyful month; the month
when all good children go back to
school to learn, catch-up with, old
friends, and to meet new ones. Most
would agree with me when I say that
university students, in general, enjoy
going back to school.
How much you enjoy it, I've found, is
directly proportional to how good a
Summer you had. School can be the
long-awaited relief of the tedious boredom of working through a Summer, or it
can be the storm clouds waiting just over
the horizon of a beautiful Summer sky. I
am ecstatic that school is beginning
again.
I can't complain about my Summer
vacation, but I will. My Summer wasn't
the greatest, I had to be up before 6AM.
every morning to go to work. I'm sure
that many others had it worse than me,
but this is my paper so I can choose to
wallow a bit in my self-pity. This
Summer, thanks to El Nino, was one of
the sunniest in Vancouver's history,
unfortunately, I was cooped up in an
office building for 40 hours a week.
However, as full-time jobs go, I had one
Of the better ones.
I got a job in June working for
Environment Canada. Yes, I managed to
get an elusive government job. My only
complaint about the job was that it
forced me to wake up so early to get out
to North Vancouver form UBC every
day. My reasons for liking the job are
three-fold.
One: It was a government job. We've all
heard the jokes about government workers, and how inefficient they all are, but
I'm here to tell you the truth. No joke,
no story, no amusing anecdote of a
friend's uncle's buddy who works for the
big FG (Federal Government) can actually do justice to the apathetic attitude
towards work. I was hired by the
Emergencies Section of EC to A) Provide
basic computer support for the eight
people who make up the Emergencies
Section; and B) to make a website for
said Emergencies Section. The third day
I was there I managed to fix a paper jam
in the colour laser printer and prevent
the Xerox Tech from coming out. I
thought that they were going to give me
a raise right then and there. Everyone
was amazed at my technical proficiency
and self-motivation.
We would routinely have lunch in the
"North Board Room", this was the Sailor
Hagar's Brew Pub directly north of the
building. Four or five of us would troop
across the alley and grab a seat on the
deck, then drink away a couple hours of
the afternoon. This brings me to the second reason why I loved my job.
Two: My boss. I got the job through a
friend of mine, Adam La Rusic. Some of
the older UBC'ers may remember him as
the President of the Engineers a few
years back. Adam, or "Boomer" as he was
introduced to me, has sampled almost
every illicit drug known to man, and
prefers that co-workers (Even the Head
of the Emergencies Section) refer to him
as "Zoltar: Emporer of the Fifth Floor".
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Adam was my supervisor while I was at
EC. Getting back to the North Board,
whenever we would go there for
"lunch", Adam had an amusing way of
ordering a refill on his beer. He would
raise the mug atop his head, holding it
on his noodle with an unwavering fist
and bellow: "BEER ME!" At which
Meredith, our regular waitress, would
come by with a fresh round of booze.
Zoltar would spend much of his time at
work refining his Kitty Porn* Page. He
would boom out across the office:
"Craig, could I see you for a moment
please." I would wander over and on his
screen would be the latest in a string of
R-rated pictures of Eve, his cat (Adam
and Eve), or any other felis domesticus he
could lay EC's digital camera on. Under
each picture would be a caption such as
"I'm into heavy petting." or "I'm only
four years old!"
My inbox would be filled daily with e-
mails from Adam, containing such gems
as a movie of the loveable, yet wise Yoda
violently cornholing a poor sheep from
behind, complete with sounds from the
sheep and the jedi master.
As hard as it is to beat that reason for
loving my job, the third one is the best.
Three: Christina. Christina is a UBC student that I shared a cubicle with all
Summer. For the most part of the first
month we spent spinning in our chairs.
Really. We were testing basic physics
principles right there in the office. We'd
spin in opposite directions, so that our
knees would just miss each other's, and
delight in the phenomenon that is most
obvious in figure skaters: Arms out, go
slow. Arms in tight, go fast. Wheee!
In between spin sessions were the hours
of South Park Snood, which is essentially the Bubble game you see in the
arcade, but with South Park character
heads as the bubbles. As of the end of
August, yours truly was the top scorer in
Snood. There were also the days we
spent downloading MP3 music files off
the internet and blasting them out
through the office. We would lip-synch
and dance around to such greats as
Roxanne (My favorite), Mickey
(Christina's), or Low Rider. Occasionally
Adam would come by and chime in with
"Whip it! Whip it good!" In all a god
time was had by all.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays Christina
had a night class out at UBC and would
give me a ride home, so we would use
one of the plethora of blank CD's donated to us by the FG to burn a mixed disc.
We'd boot down 2nd ave and scope out
all the "hotties" as Christina would refer
to them. All the while, singing along to
Blister in the Sun or Oh Yeah, which we
would belt out of her stereo at a ghastly
volume.
In the three months that I was there I
managed to almost complete one website, and still cement a job there for next
Summer. I almost felt guilty when they
took us out to the Keg- for lunch near the
end of August for doing such a great job.
Almost.
I suppose I really don't have any reason
to complain. I guess the Summer I had
just psyched me up for the coming
school year. I'd get home from work and
it would be such a let down, because'
there was nobody on campus throughout the Summer. Now however, I can settle back into the school routine of studying first (Ha.), hanging out at SUS, beer
gardening, and of course there's the
hours and hours to be spent playing
Yahtzee. Don't laugh, I'm serious. It's
addictive. Large groups of SUSies will
crowd around one of the computers here
just for the chance to "roll" five of a kind
and hear the reverberating "Yahtzee!"
echo through SUS.
I'm on crack, -ed 9.8.98
The
432
page seven
The Drawers of SUS
TNI
Executiue Secretary
-o
Jenn Gamy
So-Co
We
I
Henry Wong
elcome back to another year of grinding hard
work!  Hope you enjoyed your summers as much
as I did. I mean, a whole 4 months away from taking notes from incoherent people attempting to make reports is a really nice break.
Imagine this scenario, every Thursday lunchtime, as I attempt to follow my mother's advice and not gobble or snorkel my food, inconsiderate people, exploiting their
fancy titles as executives and councillors start giving reports. Now, if you've ever
heard these reports, you'd understand my pain. Standard reports goes like this, "Our
blah club is having a beer garden at <time>, <date>, Room 284 7A; in addition, we
are having this conference on <time>, <date>, <location>. Dr. <Whatdidyousay?> is
speaking about <some obscure, erudite topio on <date>, and Mr. <Huh?> is talking
about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You see? If it were something pertinent to my
lunch, I'd be interested, but since Dr. Whatdidyousay is lecturing on the mechanisms of maggot digestion of rotting flesh, I'm not particularly interested. I'm sure
you would agree that sacrificing the truth is better than losing your composure and
spilling your bile and acid chyme all over the council chambers. What was the point
of all that? Nothing, except a subtle message for this upcoming year...nudge, nudge,
wink, wink...and a warning...do not believe all that you read. The Truth is out
there...
o-
S
Internal Vice
w;
Amanda Seymour
/
^vwen/jty
re 1 c o m e
new  432
readers,  to my bi-weekly update on
Internal Vice Presidential matters, live here at my
comfy seat in Chem B160. My name is Amanda
Seymour, or simply Mandy, and I'm the one to
talk to about getting involved in your First
Year Science committee. This committee puts
on events for you, the frosh, so come check
out SUS and spend your allocated committee
cash on fabulous First Year events.
I'm also a great source for consultation (or
whining) about the various rez lines and the
cafeteria food; which I hold"very deaT to my
heart. If you have any comments or suggestions on how we can improve Imagine UBC
next year, particularly the Meet the Dean portion, feel free to rant and rave to me, hell you can
even sit on the darn committee with me.
Some friendly advice for this year's frosh, come out
to the Science's Second Class Bash, and AMS's Welcome
Back BBQ, aka the best bzzr gardens on the first week of
school. You gotta start in the right groove, and this is definitely the way to do it. If yore underage remember these golden
words, spoken to me last year when I was fresh out of high school,
They don't ID you if you're a volunteer pouring the bzzr. If you talk to the
right people, it's easy. Just remember to avoid guys who complement your bzzr pouring style with a "nice head."
Anyways, be sure to grab a fresh and FREE BURGER and POP at SUS's First Year BBQ.
We'll be there grilling up the burgers in front of the Chem building on the grassy
knoll (if you can find Trekker's restaurant, we will be in plain sight). This is a great
chance to chat us up and join the SUS hacks lounging on the couches, who and
which will also be outside (is that grammar right?) Craig might suggest you write for
the paper, which also involved lots of free food, namely pizza and bzzr at production
nights. Mmmmmm Bye for now.
US is famous for having
the cheapest and best bzzr
on campus.   Said bzzr is
dispensed throughout the year at bzzr gardens.  Here is a step-by-step guide to how
to get the most out of your year of bzzr gardening:
1. Come to S.U.S and talk to Lisa or Kat - they can sell you the infamous SUS mug
(provided we have some kicking around). It holds 22oz of sweet golden goodness.
And we'll fill it for one ticket (i.e $1 or less if I'm feeling generous) This is the best
deal at UBC.
2. Come talk to me. I'm usually around SUS - look at my byline elsewhere in this
paper and you'll know who to look for. If you're having an identity crisis (not feeling like yourself lately?) I can put you on set-up committee.
3. Read the 432 and look around campus for ads. The first SUS bzzr garden is
WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 9TH AT 4:32PM IN THE SUB PARTY-
ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Show up anywhere around the student union building Friday afternoons around
4:30 or 5-ish.
5. Go. Have Fun. Drink bzzr.
Come on out to the SECOND CLASS BASH on the SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL featuring THE MALCHIKS (They're a ska band, my cousin is in them, and so is my
ex.   He lights himself on fire a lot.) 09.09.98, 4:32 PM, SUB PARTY-
ROOM.
There's lots of other cool stuff coming up this year - come
talk me in the SUS office if you want to help out. You get
loads of free stuff and the pleasure of my company.
Enjoy your year and get involved with SUS.   We're
the people your mother always warned you about.
X
The Drawers  %,
of SUS.... %
a
■u
W'e
Finance
llei warn
III
lewsli
SC1I fllCS
elcome to my
first exec report
ever! There really isn't much for me
to say regarding our finances right now...we
still have some money, but all the exec are trying very hard to spend it. On the plus side,
though, my trip to the Caribbean was great!
All of the club treasurers will be getting a letter
from me in the near future, if you haven't already,
telling you what you need to do to get some
; money from SUS this year for your club. If you don't
\   C hear from me, but you think you should have, give me
a call in SUS, or come find me when you have some free
time.
I haven't decided when the budget committee meetings will be
held, but rest assured, I will make something up in the near future,
and let you all know.
External Vice H
T A Te
W;
Sports
relcome back to another year of intramural
sports. This will be my 2nd tour of duty as
DoS, and my 7th year involved in SUS.        i        s-\        I
Joining things such as sports and clubs will let Af||<||0V^|f|nial3iHen
you meet people with interests like yourself. I
know 1st year can be pretty intimidating, especially if you don't know anyone in
your class of 100+ people. If you do get involved you will find things easier.
That's where I come in, my main role is to provide rebates to those who register
teams or events under the SUS Unit. The rebate given back will be 50% of the registration fee. Quick Rebate Guidelines:
#1 You must submit a Sports Rebate Application by the last day of class (first term).
First come first serve, I'm working with a budget (ie. when the money is gone, it's
GONE).
#2 Along with #1 you will need to provide a photocopy of the registration and a
RECEIPT.
#3.If your team defaults out of the league you don't get zilch. (Well maybe a coupon
found in The Guide '98).
#4 You must register as a SUS team.
A full set of guidelines will be posted in SUS.
Back for a another year will be the 3rd annual SUS Hockey Pool. Keep an eye out for
entry forms in the next few weeks. Also, the infamous Bandicoots are in need of a
few players for Co-rec Volleyball this year. No experience necessary! (Wow, I've never
heard an employer say that.) If you have any questions just come by SUS and ask for
me. aarne@interchange.ubc.ca
i there! By now you are
either in the middle of
your  first  classes  and
wondering why the  summer
had   to   end   or  you   are  at
KatltrVn IWUrrail  ImaSine UBC and 8etting introduced to the won-
■tflMII ]|ll HIUI1 U%   ders of university iife Regardless, this is the first
day of a long series of days where you should be in class and not down on the beach,
biking or skiing. Summers over and you're supposed to work now. Yeah right!
So what are you supposed to do here other than study? Lots. On the first day of
classes there is the "Main Event" which is a 20's style fair/festival with jugglers,
bands and candy floss. It's for all Science students and is being held from 4 till 7pm
between Koerner Library and Main library, Buchanan and Physics. The Science
Undergrad is putting on a "Mad Scientists Lab of Horror". Come in and see the dangerous wild animals! Or you could sit outside on the couches, chat, enjoy the sites
and sign up for cool Science wear clothes. Come out and see what it's all about. It's
free and goodness only knows that there aren't many things here that are free.
Other than that, Club Daze are in two weeks where all the clubs set up tables and
tell you all about themselves. Each science club gets to elect a member to attend
Science council meetings on Thursdays at 1pm in the council chambers. This gives
the clubs a voice on campus and allows them to get money for us. Providing they
attend 70% of the meetings, they get to get money from us for each member. Got to
be nice, eh? Also during the last week of January the Science clubs also get to have a
display and host all sorts of neat Science competitions for Science students. This year
there may even be a make-your-own-rocket-competition! We will provide the fuel
and you provide the rest. If you are part of a club and would like to learn how to host
your own events through us or get free advertising, contact me, Kathryn at klmur-
ray@interchg.ubc.ca or look for me in the SUS lounge, room Chem B160, just follow
the sound of music. See you later, 'gator!
Hey you! Yeah, you! You there with back-pack slung over only one shoulder, and the doe-
eyed look in your eyes. You're a first year so you have to go to the Imagine UBC. But afterwards is the Main Event that Kat talks about. If you're not there, I'll personally see to it
that Kat goes over to your house and gives you a stern talking-to.
You got the Guide mailed to you, I know where you live, -ed page eight
The
432
9.8.98
The New Woman
Hallett
I!
"guess it could be said that I've been
around a while. Heck, I remember arriving at UBC back when Saturday Night
Live was still funny (Remember Mike
Myers? Dana Carvey? Jon Lovitz? Phil
Hartman? Dennis Miller?) Needless to say, I've been witness to a few cultural events.
While most of you first years were still figuring out the whole "shit is bad to eat"
concept, I was enjoying my formative years during the "Me" decade. I remember
Reagonomics (I even planned out my university years by that policy—my grandchildren will be able to pay off the nuclear warhead I got for Physics 115). I remember Silver Spoons, M*A*S*H, Three's Company, Facts of Life and all the other unfortunate mistakes some guy in Hollywood made. Now, when I say "remember," I really mean "saw on TV during it's first run, not this syndication bullshit." Heck, I even
saw Star Wars for the first time in the theatre (No, not the new digitally-enhanced-
extra-scenes-added-over-priced-blatant-grab-for-money-to-support-Lucas'-extensive-
heroin-habit version.)
So what the hell am I saying? Well, aside from using The 432 as my own personal
soapbox (ex-editors right), I'm building to a point. You see, I was having lunch with
a good friend the other day... alright, I was drinking beer with a good friend the
other day when the discussion took a turn towards women... alright, the discussion
continued on its unwavering path through the realm of womanhood. Women, we
decided, aside from being a bunch of fashion obsessed, weight-watching, chocoholic, beer-hating, nit-picking nay-sayers (ouch there goes my sex for a month),
have changed what they're looking for in men.
I remember the late 80's, when a guy would score big if he cried at the right parts
of a movie and tenderly petted small, furry mammals on the roadside (and not vice
versa). Women were into sensitive guys. The whole macho, muscle car, hairy-chested disco thing was dead. (And if you think that was just a fashion phase guys went
through for the sheer hell of it, think again. When was the last time you ever heard
of a guy doing anything that wasn't motivation in some way by sex or the possibility of sex. Yup, you heard me right. Women caused disco.) Women wanted men to
talk about their feelings, express their inner child and just generally smother the
whole relationship in big, warm fuzzies. Guys had no problem with mushy stuff like
this, just so long as they had a clear line of sight to breasts all-the-while.
But not anymore. Today's women are looking for a man of the woods. A man who
knows how to act, how to live and, most importantly, how to cook a nice steak. But
not one of those fancy pantcy steak bought at the store. There's nothing sexy about
eating the flesh of an animal led to slaughter at the hands of an automated steel
sword (but, strangely enough, the sword itself IS sexy). No, the only way to eat an
animal and still be sexy is to tackle it by shear force of man-power, pin it down, yank
out its heart and take a big, juicy bite while it's still beating. Yessirree, that is a man
any woman would get wet over.
Feedback
Dear Editor,
I'm writing to you to complain about an article you recently published, "The New
Woman." Although an ex-editor, I strongly believe that this John Hallett character
should be banned from writing for The 432.
First of all, he steps way over the line with his Star Wars commentary. T never saw
the old Star Wars movies, but I really liked the new ones, they were cool! And to say
such slanderous things about George Lucas is just wrong. He is an artist and sure,
he may do a few recreational drugs, but this is not something we should make fun
of him for. We as a society should be working together to help him get through his
problems. George just needs to understand that people really do love him, and he
doesn't need to turn to drugs.
John Hallett spends far too much time drinking and talking about women, and not
enough time talking to them. None of the women I know would want anything to
do with him, especially with these chauvinistic attitudes that he maintains. Why do
men like him always talk about the stereotypical "women" problems. Guys, haven't
you ever thought sometimes that you look fat in a pair of jeans?
I saw Ever After a few weeks ago, and I will be the first to admit that I cried at the
end. My girlfriend wasn't even there, so I couldn't have been putting on a show.
Isn't it possible that some guys are just romantics?
Mr. Hallett crossed many lines with his article, but the final one was his blatantly
primitive views on the animal kingdom. I'm a vegetarian, but I can accept the fact
that some people don't agree with my views on what should and shouldn't be eaten.
But John describes his Neanderthal eating habits in such sickeningly blunt terms
that it is enough to make anybody retch. John, if you must insist on this cruelty to
animals, please don't subject the rest of us to it.
Yes indeed, with attitudes like his, I doubt that John Hallett is "a man any woman
would get wet over," to use his own crude words. I think that the readers of this
paper need to speak up, and keep people like him away from the keyboard.
A Concerned Reader
Well, I'm sure that many of you are wondering how there can be a response to an article
in the same issue that the article is printed. You see, through the magic of creative writing
and the use of poor editorial judgement, this response is made possible.
ACR: It's obvious to me that you are a disturbed individual. For some reason, you feel
the need to shout out for attention and recognition. Obviously your arguments are completely fabricated to be utterly sensational. This is best illustrated by your frequent and
flagrant use of the word penis, -ed

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