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The 432 Nov 28, 1990

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Array Volume 4, Number 7   The Newspaper for Science Students   Wednesday,Nov.28,1990
The 432 Guide to Pizza!
Fifteen months ago, The 432 printed a
pizza survey of the West Point Grey area
to an enormously positive response. And
now, just in time for the ravenous all-
nighters of exam period, two weeks of
tasting pizzas have culminated in The 432
Guide to Pizza, Second Edition.
Our team of reviewers phoned ten
recommended locations in West Point
Grey, of which seven delivered as far as
UBC. From each of those seven, we ordered two large pizzas, one vegetarian
and one not — Ham and Pineapple or
Ground Beef and Feta, for two. We gave
the room and phone numbers of Physsoc
and the street address of the Hennings
building, but no directions as to where
6224 Agricultural Road might be.
Physsoc, of course, is not the
easiest room in the world to find, nor is
Hennings the easiest building. We expected to have to give directions to almost every driver—but in the end, only
two, Ted's Place and Pizza 222, ended up
needing any. Kudos to Domino's, UBC,
Sasamat, Panagopoulos, and the Candia
Finally, confronted by their pizzas, the reviewers were asked to rate each
pizzeria on quality of crust, toppings,
sauce, and cheese, plus the overall calibre
of both the vegetarian and the other pizza,
on scales of one to ten, ten being the best.
A quick summary of the results is below.
Sarcastic JVlqnnequins-play-to an excited Science crowd
President's Choice
Dance Rocks SUB
On Friday, November 15th, the assembled
minions of SUS gathered in the SUB
Ballroom for the President's Choice
Dance, which promised to be a rollicking
good time for only $4.00.
And indeed, a rollicking good time
it was. After a series of boat race trials,
Winnipeg' s One Big Union took the stage
and played one of the best sets ever heard
at a Science dance. On most songs, well
over half the crowd was dancing.
The evening's festivities stopped
halfway through as the boat race finals
took place — and with a split-second
margin, Physsoc's Radical Beer Faction
(Aaron Drake, Mike Hamilton, Erik
Jensen, Mark HOnig, and Caireen Hanert,
the last of whom claimed never to have
tried beer before in her life) emerged
Sarcastic Mannequinsplayednext,
performing if anything a better, more
energetic set than One Big Union. Unfortunately, the evening was cut slighdy
short when, only 45 minutes into the
Mannequins' set, the Ballroom lights
abrupdy flickered on and the attendees
all drifted gradually away.
Despite nothing but glowing appraisals of the dance, however, SUS External Vice President Alan Price was
disappointed. "I had kind of hoped for
more people to turn up," he said.
Price's plans now turn to organiz
ing the Science Week Dance, due to take
place on Friday, January 25th. Traditionally SUS's largest social event of the
year, the dance should be "a blast, a real
blast," according to Price.
Cms! Topping?
Can 8.7
Dom 8.6
UBC 6.9
Sas 6.9
Pan 6.0
Ted   3.1
Delivery Time
Dom      20 min.
Can 9.3
Dom 7.3
UBC 6.8
Sas 5.9
Pan 5.0
Ted   4.0
Pan   $17.70
Can   8.9
Can 9.1
Vegetarian   Other Pizza
32 min.
42 min.
44 min.
58 min.
60 min.
Individual reviews on page 5...
SUS Food Drive
-by Antonia Rozario-
On Friday, November 23rd, the Science
Undergraduate Society brought its 1990
Christmas Food Drive campaign to a
close, as all food gathered over the last
two weeks was brought to the Student
Union Building and piled on the Main
Concourse for display. The Engineering
Undergraduate Society, who had issued a
challenge to all other student groups to
meet or beat them in food collection (The
Ubyssey, November 8, 1990) arrived in
full force, but SUS, the only student society who met their challenge, also showed
up with an enormous load of edible
All in all, the Christmas Food
Drive was a successful one. SUS brought
in two to three times more food than the
EUS did, but the EUS had an additional
monetary donation of approximately
$150. The Science interdepartmental food
drive challenge was won handily by
BIOSOC, but honourable mention goes
out to CS3, the Micro Club, and Physsoc
SUS extends warm thank-yous to
all the students who donated to this worthy cause. Your generosity made up for
the pathetic shortcomings of others, who
refused to help out and make contributions because they "had finals to study
The Food Bank is still in desperate need of food and money donations.
Those of you interested in finding out
more information about this cause should
contacttheGreater Vancouver FoodBank
Society at 689-3663 (Monday to Friday,
9am to 4pm).
In This Issue...
Editorial 2
That's Trivial! 3
Knock Knock 3
Loose Canons 4
Sports 4
Contest Results  5
Year's Credits 5
DikMMer,P.1 6
New Contest 6
Senate Shorts ........6
AMS Briefs 7
Drawers of SUS..... 7
Dan Quayle 7
CommentAri 8
The 432
November 28,1990 Editorial: That's All, Folks
by David W. New
That's it. That's
seven. That's
the last issue of
the first term and
the end of my
ten all-nighters
trying to wresde
page seven and
fill page eight
with more than a Sales ad. That's hundreds of phone calls trying to track
down miscreant contributors. That's
thirteen weeks of postponing classes
because the-paper's-due-in-an-hour-
no. That's it. That's a wrap.
That's the end of arguing with
every writer I met face to face about
how to eliminate dangling modifiers
and why to punctuatea quotation. That's
the last of staggering, disheveled and
bookless, into my courses, only to spend
eighty percent of the lecture dreaming
about the AMS Briefs and the other
twenty percent trying to figure out how
the use of dialogue in Dracula relates to
Kurt Preinsperg. That's the final vestiges of
frantically holding a ruler to the Macintosh screen in a vain effort to guess how
big everything's going to be in real life.
That's that. That's all there is.
That's the lot.
That's my contract, and contract
up, I'm gone.
That's not to say I'm upset to
leave — but that shouldn't imply I'm
bored with staying. That's a silly suggestion: echoing Allan Fotherinham's claim
that The Ubyssey is the best journalism
school in Canada, editorship of The 432
is probably the best publishing school on
campus. That's a fact.
That's life in the editorship •— you
end up writing about five thousand words
of copy for each issue, designing all the
ads, doing all the proofing and layout,
and typing most of the submissions. That's
the glory of the adrenaline thrill every
second week as you struggle in vain to get
the beast in before deadline, and failing
that, at least before it's supposed to come
out. That's the anxiety you feel a day and
a half later, when, rested at last, you stare
at copy after pristine copy of your newspaper as they migrate to racks across
campus, and finally dare to wonder
whether any of your editorial decisions
were right this time around. That's the
rush of riding the bus home and seeing the
three people behind you all reading the
issue you just put together.
That's the most wonderful emotion I've ever felt in my life.
That's over with, however: as I
move on to 1991, and the two convention
books, one game, and three magazine
issues I'm committed to publishing next
year, it's with the training that The 432
gave me—and just compare this issue to
the September 5th edition to see where
I've come. That's valuable experience;
that'll serve me well.
That's far from everything I've
got to gush about, with my last issue
finally under my belt and an ego large
enough toburstthe Aquatic Centre. That's
ignoring the kind efforts of a great staff
who helped me out whenever I ran short
an article, and the infinite patience of
SUS Council with my fortnightly cosmos-bashing, nerve-placating tirades.
That's really big of all of you — and it's
been such a relief to have had you behind me from the beginning.
That's the best part of all of being
SUS Editor—you get to see how much
talent lies out there in Science, among
CouncUlors and just-students alike, and
foster some of it into a newspaper that
the entire faculty' s proud of. That's quite
the responsibility, but the sheer exuberant thrill of being the first to read each
new submission more than compensates
for any momentary trepidation.
That's about it, really: and to
everyone who suffered my company
those hellish Mondays when nary a kind
(or true) word passed my lips, to all
those people who adjusted to my infernally inconsistent schedule from day to
day (especially the staff at College
Printers!), and to all of you, for reading
so loyally week after week what The 432
has to offer ... thanks.
David W. New,perhaps better known as
the feet in those mid-'90' s Reebok commercials, joined the LondonTimes as an
analyst of amphibious military in 1997,
and has spent all his days since engaged
in rapturous naval comtemplation.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Editor:
I am writing because of Shawn
Tagseth's letter in the November 23rd
Ubyssey (asking why Captain Jean-Luc
Picard walks to the transporter room
instead of just beaming there -Ed.), but
because I want an intelligent answer to
mine — I'm addressing you.
What the hell is 'beaming' anyway? My best guess so far is that the
position of every molecule in a person's
body is recorded, then reconstructed at
the place the person was beamed to. How
do these particles of matter travel through
solids then? Or do they blast apart the
original, and make a copy at the second
site out of whatever elements are around
— in which case why aren't there stockpiles of carbon and hydrogen, etc., in the
transporter room?
And how can they know where
every molecule is anyway? If their scanners are so great, why do they always
have so much trouble locating things, and
why do they have to send search parties
and away teams out all the time — they
should be able to scan all this stuff and
figure out everything that's ever existed
on the planet. Does anyone have a better
And warp speed—why aren' t the
people on the bridge crushed into the
floor when they jump into light speed?
And why wasn't Picard younger
than his brotherwhen he returned to Earth?
And how come in a recent rerun he was
able to speak mid-transporfl And why
isn't the Holodeck always booked solid?
And what are photon torpedoes anyway?
And why does everyone in France now
have English accents? And why does
everyone in the universe still speak
English? And how come every species in
the universe can still interbreed? And
why doesn't Riker just drop dead?
I anxiously await your reply.
Alex Ball
Science 1
Alex, we contacted a senior officer on
the U.S.S. S'Harien, a local Federation
vessel, who explained a few of these
apparent anomalies. The scanners
aren't omniscient about planetary life
because "sometimes there's interference with the beams, like radiation or
unknown energy sources, among other
things — ion storms, the like, can disrupt transporter mechanisms."
As to warp speed, Federation
ships have a gravitational buffer which
is tied into the warp engines. People on
board feel no acceleration.
The Holodeck usually is booked
solid, but senior officers have priority
booking. And everyone on crew is
equipped with a universal translator,
so they can understand each other.
They don't speak English — but if the
show was broadcast in Galactic Standard, nobody would understand it.
Not every race can interbreed.
Look at the Medusans. (Or don't.)
And since you ask, nobody really knows why Riker's still alive.
"Star Trek is just a show," she
said. "Anybody that takes it apart for
scientific reasons has got to get a life."
Dear Editor,
Hi. I'm the Presidentof the newly-
constituted AMS club, the Advanced
Scientific Calculator Club. Don't laugh,
now, this is serious. The club is open to all
students, but is probably only of interest
to Science and Engineering students.
Membership is $5.
We have already held workshops
where members are given a tutorial of
some of the more advanced and useful
functions of their calculators. In the new
year, we are having a contest where you
have to chug beer, and then solve mathematical problems. We may also have a
slide rule (what's that?) time trial competition.
We have been in touch with the
Western Canadian Hewlett Packard representatives, and they have expressed
interest (possible sponsorship?) in us.
Just to prove that calculators are
not just for keeners, we are having a party
in SUB 207-209 on Dec. 20 at 6 PM. The
party will be featuring cheap alcohol,
good music, members of the opposite
sex, and of course, our calculators. Foor
is poduck (i.e. please bring something).
Mike Smith
ASCC President
Dear Editor,
Hello, Science! Congratulations
on your excellent participation in the
E.U.S. Food Bank Challenge. The Engineers once again emerge victorious! You
were our only challenger, since the rest of
campus is a bunch of weenies with twigs
up their butts. We won by number of
cans, by weight, and by amount of money
collected, but you almost tied us by volume, thanks to those ten bags of $1.49
puffed wheat. Anyways, lotsa food was
collected, and the Vancouver Food Bank
is the real winner. Let's all do even better
next year!
Evie Wehrhahn
EUS First Vice President
Ahem. For a more, ah, unbiased report
of the recent Food Drive — which,
incidentally, Science won, although the
EUS did contribute about $150 of unmitigated cash — please see page 1.
Student Representatives to serve on the Board of
Governors and on the Senate.
This notice is a call for nominations for full-time students to run
for election for the following positions:
BOARD OF GOVERNORS — TWO        students
SENATE — SEVENTEEN       students (five at-large and one
from each faculty).
Nomination forms giving full details of the requirements of
nominations are available in the Registrar's Office, the A.M.S.
Office (Room 266 S.U.B.), and the offices of the Student
Undergraduate Societies and the Graduate Student
Forms are available at the Science Undergraduate Society
Office (Room 160 Chemistry) from Catherine Rankel, SUS
President, and Orvin Lau, Senator.
Nominations must be in the hands of the Registrar
no later than 4:00 p.m. on Friday, November 30,
The 432
November 28,1990 Power Outages Plague Distraught Campus
-by David W. New-
Two power substations in B-Lot supply
West Point Grey with electricity — the
entire UBC campus, and all student residences. Last Wednesday,November21st,
at 11:30am, a transistor at one of them
overheated and blew, casting all of UBC
into blackout. After an hour, at 12:38pm,
Physical Plant workers had attached the
power cables to the secondary substation,
and electricity resumed.
In the meantime, most classes had
been cancelled. The downpour outside
made little light available even for windowed areas — yet nobody wanted to
wait it out outdoors. Main Library was
combed for people stuck in the stacks.
Sedgewick Library staff, confronted by
scanners which no longer worked, started
checking people's bags as they left. Professors returning from 10:30classeswere
trapped in the Buchanan Tower elevators
until they could be freed.
Indeed, with no power to the ele-
vators and no lights in thestaircases, anybody
on a high floor of Gage or Buchanan was
effectively trapped. The previous time a
generator blew, in the Angus Building, it
was three days before power resumed —
speculation abounded regarding spoiled
meat in residence fridges.
At B-Lot, about half the gates
were open as power was cut. They no
longer shut, so parking proceeded as
That's Trivial!
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! For our last issue this year,
we thought we'd do something on acronyms. Can you guess the words that form
these acronyms? Good luck!
Theme: A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.
1-10; Easy - 1 point each.
15: Medium
- 2 points each.
16-20: Hard - 31
joints each.
Bonus Question - 5 points: HAMCHNY
normal. But at least three attendants had
to break their gates to allow cars egress
during the outage. Meanwhile, workers
at the power station struggled to restore
power in the main substation, an effort
which for almost a week had not reached
The Physiology 301 lecture had
just begun when the room was cast into
blackness; immediately, several students
found the front of the room and beseeched
the professor to continue. He did not.
One Economics 100 class proved
to contain three students who carried
flashlights with them.
In SUB, all the AMS executive
and SAC personnel instandy grabbed their
coats and umbrellas and left the building,
as if the fire alarm had rung. After forty
minutes, they slowly returned. Nobody
in the budding lost any data in computer
Hebb Theatre was evacuated for
lack of ventilation systems.
The bus lines and telephone service were unaffected: BC Tel and BC
Hydro use different circuits.
In any event, the power came back
on, and afternoon classes occurred as
normal. Then, the following Monday,
November 26th, at 10:49am, the secondary power station blew as well, and all
the contingency plans people had just
finished making on Wednesday got to be
used. Since the first substation was still
dysfunctional, Physical Plant teams laboured to fix the second, and at 1:14pm,
they succeeded in bringing it back up.
What caused either overheating in the
first place is still unknown.
Although Physical Plant claims
that a third blackout in as many weeks is
exceedingly unlikely, such an event would
plunge UBC into darkness during the
middle of an exam, with possibly disastrous results. The University has no codified policy regarding power failures in an
exam sitting; one of three things might
happen, depending on the length of the
course (one- or two-term) and the lighting of the exam room.
First, if window lighting is still
sufficient to see by, the exam would continue without undue interruption. But if
the exam is taking place in a windowless
room or lecture theatre, the examiners
would have no choice but to call off the
sitting. Then, for a two-term course, the
Christmas exam mark would be prorated
into the second term trough an extra
midterm or mid-January sitting — but a
one-term course, especially a prerequisite course like Math 100, would have its
exam deferred to a weekend or post-
December 20th date, so as to compile its
marks before the beginning of Term II.
A sufficiendy large course, with
people writing in multiple rooms, would
necessarily be resat, since no authority
could still know if all students were receiving equal treatment — some could
well be in pitch blackness whde others
continued to write.
Exams in which calculators are
necessary would be continued or resat at
the discretion of the professor, depending
largely on how many solar or LCD-
readout calculators were in the room.
The Fifth Commandment
You want to
know what
bugs me? I'll
tell you what
bugs me.
What bugs
me is when
you're telling
someone a good joke and someone else
blurts out the punch line. I hate that
Here I am, putting in the effort to tell
Gus a joke, and Gus doesn't know the
punchline, but you can't tell Gus the
punchline because Morty, possessed
by Satan, shouts out, "To get to the
other side!" Now, why do people find
it so darned compelling to blurt out
someone else's joke? Do they honesdy
think it makes them seem better than
everyone else? "Gosh, he knew the
punchline to a joke and I didn't. His
penis must be longer than mine."
There's only one way to deal with these
people. Break into hysterical tears, and
have a conniption, whatever that is.
The Knock-Knock joke is
probably the most successful joke of
all time. Why? Because it demands
viewer participation. With ariddle, you
can ask the question and then give the
answer, and the listener goes away
with a vague empty feeling, because he
didn't put a little piece of himself into
making that joke humorous. The joke
was funny with or without him. But
that's not so with the K2 joke. (Like the
notation? Knock Knock: KK=K2. See
it? You're in Science; you should make
the link.) OK. Enough already. We
don'tneedthe colour commentary. The
fact is, a K2 joke is useless without the
straight man. You get that wonderful
feeling of being part of something bigger
than the sum of the parts. They say,
"Knock Knock," and you have to say,
"Who's there?" and if you blow it the
joke falls flat on its face. You can't say,
"Come in," because there's nothing funny
about that and if you think there is then
you should talk: to my sister who's hit me
at least seventy-three times for saying,
"Come in." Site didn't find it funny. I
Ruined Her Joke. It was an unforgivable
sin, up there with Catching A Glimpse Of
Her Underwear, or Touching Her While
You Both Have To Share The Back Seat.
We seemed to have a different
concept of The; Seven Deadly Sins back
then. Sure, it was not good to kill people,
but there were many worse things. Back
then the Top Ten Commandments were:
1) Obeyetli thy mommy and daddy
or thou shalt be in for it
2) Thou shalt not make funny faces
lest thy face freezes that way.
3) Thou shalt not run on the stairs.
Yea, thy hand shall holdeth yon
rail thither.
4) Thou shalt eat thy vegetables, for
mommy is a vengeful mommy,
and thou shalt be denied the dessert.
5) Thou shalt not run with a stick.
6) Thou shalt not place thy elbow on
yon dinner table.
7) Thou shalt not hit thy sister (who
hath just kicked you in a place
whose importance you hath not
yet realized) for THOU ART
8) Thou shidt not play with thy food.
9) Thou shalt refrain from scratching thy bum, even though thy
undershorts art giving thou a
10) Thou shalt do it for I SAID SO.
That was it. Theft and killing were simple
midemeanors, let me tell you, because if
you killed someone you would go to jail,
but if you kept playing with your food,
you would be Backhanded Into The
Middle Of Next Week, or you would get
Your Brains Knocked Out. But the most
dreaded sentence for mommy to hand
down was to command you to Wait Until
Your Father Got Home, Buster. When he
got home, Dad usually junked himself on
the couch and watched the hockey game,
but I figured that it was because he was
waiting until I wasn't expecting it and
then he would pounce on me and beat me
with a large steel beam.
But it never worked that way. I
grew up justaschildbeatings were beginning to go out of vogue as a type of
punishment Mother was none to happy
about that, so she devised a way to get
even. She practised psychological warfare. She made me wear courdoroy pants.
There is only one thing worse than
suffering the taunts of your 'friends' when
youare an overweightchild. That is having
to wear those damned brown courdoroy
pants all the time, because they rub together on the inside thighs and eventually
give you second degree burns. And the
noise! Have you ever listened to an overweight litde boy in cords walking down
That's my mom. Don't let any
bruises show. Work on their developing minds! I would lie awake at night,
in a cold sweat, because mom had told
me how I Would Be The Death Of Her.
I didn't know exacdy how I would end
up killing her, but I knew it had something to do with Driving Her To Her
Grave just after I Drove Her Crazy. I
would eventually receive the ultimate
curse: I Should Have Kids Just Like
Me Someday.
Then again, things were simpler back then. There were only a few
adments that could ever afflict me as a
child. I could Break My Neck, usually
from being in a tree. Or I could Catch
Pneumonia, from playing in the rain
without my slickers. I already mentioned that I shouldn't run with a stick,
because I Could Fall And Break My
Neck. Or I could Put Somebody's Eye
Out That was the big one. Wecouldn't
have snowball fights, because There
Might Be Rocks In Them and we could
Put Somebody's Eye Out
I never understood that one. I
could always pack the snow into an
iceball harder than any rock could ever
be, so who cared about stupid rocks
Aaron Drake, already rich from royalties on his invention of the mattress
recycler, invested his entire fortune in
capillary tubing just before the 1997
crash. He now ekes out a living in
Philadelphia selling small rocks.
The 432
November 28,1990 The 432
Volume 4, Number 7
November 28, 1990
Editor:      David W. New
Writers:    Aaron C. Drake
Rachel Farrall
Ari Giligson
Trent Hammer
Orvin Lau
Derek K. Miller
David W. New
Cathy Rankel
Patrick Redding
Tanya Rose
Artists:      Patrick Redding
Peter Siempelkamp
Pick-Up:   Erik Jensen
Printed at College Printers.
Area: 9.652 x 10' m2.
Multiplicity: 3600.
Frequency: 8.267 x 107 Hz.
Average printing speed:
2.873 x 103 m2/s
Rumour has it that if you go
down to the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise
— and as usual, rumour hits
it right on the button. In
fact, today's festivities in the
University Endowment
Lands include three birds
performing the aria from La
Traviata and a squirrel with
an eating demonstration.
The 432 is also there, proclaiming to all who care that
it's published by the UBC
Science Undergraduate
Society and copyright by its
various authors (or the
Society if said authors are
Deadline for submissions:
Wednesday, January 2
Next issue: .Tanuarv 9
A new editor! Aaron C.
Drake takes the paper to
heights never before imagined, especially by budgies.
The SUS News Council
consists of Aaron Drake,
Don Hitchen, Erik Jensen,
Dave New, Antonia
Ro/ario, Jason Russell, and
Elaine Wong. (This is good
dirt, so remember it.)
(J'bye all — it's been great!
The Great Year-End
Sports Report
-by Rachel
League sports
have been
winding down
over the past
two weeks.
j*Hf Exciting soccer
and field
hockey finals
were played in
BC Place.
Congratulations to the Science Women's
Field Hockey team for their third-place
tie! (OK, so there were only four teams—
we played well.) This week, Ball Hockey
and Volleyball are finishing up — good
luck to BIOSOC's BioHazardous team in
the V-Ball finals!
Anyone who would like to play
Ball Hockey, Ice Hockey, Volleyball, or
Basketball in Term 2 can sign up in SUS
or in any of the department club offices.
The deadline for registration is in early
January, so there won't be much time to
get any new teams organized in the new
Having been overwhelmed by T-
Shirt design entries, the Sports Councd
had to deliberate for hours before it finally chose Michael Chow as the winner,
with Elaine Wong taking second place.
Third went to Lisa Pasin. All entrants can
pick up their $5, and the winners their
fabulous prizes, in SUS — that includes
you, Tim. The new T-shirts will be available in January.
If you forgot to get your sports
points forms in, you can still fill one out
for the first term. The top participants will
receive prizes, and the most active club
will get $ 100. At the moment, it looks like
the Dawson Club will get this one, although Physsoc and CS3 are close behind.
If any of you submitted rebate
request forms, they should be ready for
pick-up by now, so don't forget to come
and get them. If you have any problems,
you can talk to the new Sports Treasurer,
Nicky Meola.
Rachel Farrall stumbled across a magic
pomegranate in 1992, and now lives in an
ethereal luxury with her three pet hyenas.
Loose Canons
Samizdat is aRus-
. m     *       _ sian word. Natu-
m ii  HI ra^y' lts exact
t*£ * Tf m meanm8 escapes
complete translation into English,
but it has come to
refer to the independent publication of ... well,
subversive or politically controversial ideas. More than leaflets dropped
from airplanes, or grievances tacked to a
church door, samizdat suggests a certain
level of interaction. Through ongoing
correspondence, subsequent writers continuously append new points to the original body of protest, as the written discussion evolves in a series of carefully-
thought-out responses. In live political
debates, held in smoke-GiledBrduhduser,
this would certainly degenerate into slogan-swapping and the reinforcement of
comfortable but utterly indefensible positions —but by taking days or weeks to
draft their contributions, the samiz-par-
ticipants can filter out the bullshit and
distill something provocative for their
readers. If the goal is to ferment popular
unrest, then the writer/publisher is forced
to recognize that the target audience may
have a limited attention span. Get the idea
across by the time the typical shopper is
done standing in line for their chicken.
Those of you who are pretending
to be wracked with liberal gudt because
you don'thave to stand inline for chicken,
I'm sure would just die to be able to relate
to this valiant samiz-movement Well,
don't sweat it, 'cause you're already familiar with its form. Some of you routinely log onto bulletin board systems, or
read the special topic forums on, for instance, Usenet These media use die same
basic format as samizdat, but at a much
higher rate of change. We in the allegedly
free world lack the sense of political
urgency (take for proof the voter turnout
Please bear in mind that the sam-
izdata phenomenon has already emerged
in the mainstream. During the 1989 (and
ongoing) crisis in China, a slack web of
privately-owned fax machines provided
the medium through which normally (and
not accidendy) isolated communities
stayed informed of events — up to and
including the Tienanmen Square massacre. Subsequendy, a goodly number of
these machines were confiscated, their
operators imprisoned. Which leads to the
next important point about samizdat(a):
namely, that it can get you arrested or
shot Sure, maybe not over protesting the
Gulf War, but in some places (I won'tsay
which), it's conceivable that certain
people might take a dim view of, oh, I
don't know, your views on bilingualism,
say, and beat you up with hockey sticks.
What ham radios represented in
occupied Europe during WWII, faxes,
photocopiers and personal computers
have become in the post-Cold War era.
Hey, all grads. Interested in
getting a Birks UBC grad
ring? Then come to CHEM
160 and ask for Catherine. I've
got all the inside price lists and
photos — these puppies are
available in silver, or either
Science Week'91
Friday, January 25th
SUB 207/209
4:00pm to 8:00pm
< N
For more info, contact the
Micro Club at 228-3980
^ >
Entry fee: $5 per brew
in any recent U.S. election) that motivates
glastnost-era Soviets to engage in samizdat. But that particular mode of communication seems to strike a chord with
us as well. Recendy, our own BBS's have
become arenas for debate on issues like
Meech Lake, Free Trade, disarmament
and the environment — to name a very
few. Of course, introducing E-mad and
BBS's into the mainstream political consciousness means elevating the Lyndon
LaRouches of the world to a whole new
dimension of annoyance. But since this
medium is by its very nature supported
through its amateur practitioners, it can't
be dominated by the Big Money, e.g.
PAC's and political parties.
Now for a groaner. Not content to
simply apply an existing term to this new
wave in electronic activism, the Elders of
the Bay Area have decided to call it
'samiz-dara..' Ouch.
by Patrick Redding
Samizdat was originally produced in
basements with presses and crude
mimeographs, but resolution matters lit-
de as long as the ideas are there. The
technology exists now to affordably turn
anyone into an efficient publishing house.
So not only can we paper the streets with
dangerous ideas, we can do it XN AfJv
FOnTwE wat.
As proved the case in China,
samizdata's real power may be its speed
of information transfer — when news
broke of the events in Beijing, officials
couldn't seize faxes quickly enough to
prevent detaded accounts of the massacre
from reaching the outside. The forces
suppressing the spread of information in
North American culture have less to do
with any particular government's violence than with the willingness of the
viewing public to accept the word of the
big four networks as law. It can be startling for an American to see the foreign
news media's version of events and find
it very different from Dan Rather's.
American viewers tend to deify their news
anchors, regarding them as paladins in
the crusade for Truth, and few viewers
seem to care that the big networks are in
the entertainment business — and this
applies as much to The Nighdy News as
it does to America's Funniest Most
Wanted. The time may come when the
CBCwdl give way toFoxNorth and we'll
have little recourse but to either tune into
Radio Havana or download our news
from pirate journalists in what was once
called Eastern Europe. This is the China
Syndrome in reverse, where armies of
expatriated Canadians conspire to inform
their oppressed brethren stuck in the
chicken lines.
Patrick Redding's notoriety burgeoned in
off the Hong Kong Towers. For years an
undergroundr■evolutionary hero, he now
tops the Authority's most-wanted lists.
The 432
Canidia Taverna
228-9512 or 228-9513
Fifteen minutes after hanging up with our
order, the Candia phoned us back to say
the pizzas were ready, the driver was
heading out die door, and the Hennings
building—that was just next to the Main
Library, right? All told, delivery time
(from hanging up the phone to meeting
the driver in the foyer) was 32 minutes.
Candia's Salad Pizza drew raves
— receiving easdy the highest marks of
any pizza we reviewed, even from people
who claimed to hate vegetarian. More
impressive yet, their second pizza, Pep-
peroni Mushroom Tomato, scored the
second-highest of any. And if the cost
was high, it wasn' t the most expensive we
reviewed. Overall, the Candia Tavema is
by far the best pizza place we tried—not
for when you're desperate for a snack at
3am, but an excellent meal that won't
destroy your stomach lining.
Domino's Pizza
We phoned Domino's, intending to head
over to the SUB for some money, but the
driver headed us off by arriving in under
20 minutes. The pizzas tasted good, too;
the Domino's Ham and Pineapple was
the only pizza besides Candia's to receive a 9 from anybody.
Domino's is the most expensive
of the three big chains, Domino's, Pana-
gopoulos, and Pizza 222, but the closest,
the fastest, and the most knowledgeable
about campus.
Panagopoulos 2-for-l
Pizza Place
The cheapest place we reviewed, Panagopoulos was in every other respect the
most generic. Its crust, toppings, and sauce
impressed only one reviewer, and its delivery, whde it didn't require directions,
took about an hour. If cash is your major from all but one reviewer. A thin crust
barrier, Panagopoulos won't offend, but and lots of grease marked their pizzas —
you'll get no more than your money's which were, to be sure, quite inexpen-
worth. sive.
Pizza 222
Hanging up from Pizza 222, we were told
to expect our pizzas in about 45 minutes.
After an hour and a quarter had passed,
we phoned them again in case they needed
directions — and apparendy, the Hennings building was locked (an old 432
was blocking the latch), there was no
doorbell (there is), and nobody was inside (someone had been waiting in the
foyer). Besides which, it seemed we had
been extremely rude and ungrateful in
refusing to accept the pizza at our common block. (That the Hennings budding
is nowhere near any of the residences
seemed not to register with the receptionist) Nevertheless, the driver would try
again, this time armed with our route
An hour later, we'd long since
given up, and half the people had gone
home, when Pizza 222 called for directions. The man we spoke with, who appeared not to speak English, insisted
variously that "There's no sign in the
library," "It isn't. Agricultural Road," and,
mantra-like, "The road is dead." Eventually we ascertained that he had looked all
over Gage and SUB for us, and was
probably now in the Computer Science
budding, but fifteen minutes' conversation still faded to convince him that the
Hennings budding existed.
The pizzas, had we ever received
them, would have been eight cents more
expensive than Panagopoulos'.
Sasamat Pizza Factory
224-2417 or 224-3333
Sasamat Pizza took ten minutes more
than their forecast to deliver our pizzas,
which overall drew a mediocre response
Ted's Place
Despite several recommendations, the
pizzas from Ted's Place failed to impress
any of our re viewers; perhaps a quarter of
the slices were finished. Served on a
whole-wheat crust, the Vegetarian and
the Classic pizzas were both runny and
difficult to digest. The service, on the
other hand, was quite good: although the
driver needed directions from the Hospital, the restaurant phoned us after an hour
to ask if he had arrived yet, and how
everything was.
UBC Campus Pizza
224-4218,2214-6531 or 224-0529
The Village's own Italian grease restaurant drew third-place accolades in pizza
calibre. Needing no directions (or, indeed, the address of the building), the
driver arrived in 42 minutes bearing two
thin-crusted pizzas with reasonably good
food atop. UBC Pizza, however, was the
priciest of the seven, topping even the
Candia without that other's exceptional
Postscript: Bella Pizza.
Olvmpia Pizza, and the
Brick Oven Pizzeria
Unfortunately.thesefinerestaurants don't
deliver as far as UBC — respectively,
they're at Broadway and Hemlock,
Broadway and Trafalgar, and 27th and
Dunbar — but the reviewing staff heartily recommends them if you're ordering
from elsewhere, or in the mood to eat out.
Anywhere else... well, we didn't get to.
Take your chances — we might have
skipped the best of all.
Chandrasekhar Dissected
"If Dr. Chandrasekhair is still alive, he
might be interested in knowing that 888
words can be made out of his name, give
or take a few," wrote Michael Y.M. Chow
with his entry to The 432's 6th contest.
He is, but we don't have his address —
and, on the winning entry alone, over
2000 words appear made from the letters
in the name Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar.
Kathleen Moore, after placing
second in two consecutive 432 contests,
wins first prize — a Tiger Brand Sweatshirt from the: T-Bird Shop — for her
handwritten entry of about 2050 valid
words (eventually, term papers pressing,
we lost count). "For want of a copy of the
OED to hand," she wrote, "this list was
compiled through a linear search of
Webster's Second Unabridged, with some
cross-checking against the Oxford International Dictionary of the English Language (shorter, unabridged) for doubtful
cases. Since U.B.C. is not an American
institution, I have included a number of
words described as 'Anglo-Indian,'
'Scottish,' or 'British Dialect' in origin.
(Long live the Commonwealth!)"
Unfortunately, the OED disallows
most Anglo-Indian words as foreign or
non-naturalized, and the restriction on
foreign words removed large chunks of
most lists. Moore, for instance, had submitted 2315 words in total.
Chow, who supplemented his 888-
word list with an addendum to bring his
total to 1313, had 1242 valid words for
secondplace, Science Boxer Shorts. "My
entry is very thorough because I am
worried about the competition... notably
Kathleen Moore," he wrote. Justifiably
so, apparendy.
to Donald Acton of Computer Science,
whose 22-page MTS listing of 1254 words
contained 1166 valid ones.
Some honourable mentions: Lisa
Person, of Science 2, only had 29 invalid
words, bringing her to a fourth-place total
of 971. And Andrea Kalouseh, Science 1,
came in fifth with 829. Others who submitted lists of over 750 words include
Giovanna Vassone and David Dyment,
of Science 3, and Christina Janits, Arts 3,
whose entry arrived emblazoned with the
sardonic comment, "At least I didn't use
a computer."
Finally, some mention must be
made of the entry of Alan Douglas, who
submitted five words—This, City, Soccer, Team, and Best — with the note,
"The contest clearly states that 'whoever
can form the most words of four or more
letters from Dr. Chandrasekhar's name'
will win. That was 'name,' not 'the letters
in his name.' Thus I claim that all other
entries are invalid as they are formed
from the letters of the name, not the name
itself. This is the only valid entry." And
indeed, every letterin Douglas' five words
is made of the words SUBRAHMANYAN and CHANDRASEKHAR.
The 432
Volume 4, Numbers 1-7
Editor: David W. New
Writers: Richard Bae, John
Berges, Aaron C. Drake,
Rachel Farrall, Clement
Fung, Ari Giligson, Trent
Hammer, Caireen E.
Hanert, Don Hitchen, Sean
Kelly, Orvin Lau, Philip
Ledwith, Derek K. Miller,
Shiva Mojtabavi, David
W. New, Kurt Preinsperg,
Alan Price, Catherine
Rankel, Patrick Redding,
Tanya Rose, Antonia
Rozario, Elaine Wong,
Henry Wu
Artists: Cesare G. Battista,
Aaron C. Drake, Mike
Jackson, Patrick Redding
Photographers: Aaron C.
Drake, David Loh, Peter
Researchers: Aaron C.
Drake, Philip Freeman,
Erik Jensen, David W. New
Reviewers: Michelle
Anthony, Tanya Anthony,
Claudio de los Rios, Aaron
C. Drake, Dave Eliezer,
Trent Hammer, Caireen E.
Hanert, Don Hitchen, Clint
Hocking, Erik Jensen,
Philip Ledwith, Dean
McGee, Hugh MacLeod,
James MacLeod, Troy
Millington, Fiona Murray,
David W. New, Patrick
Redding, Antonia Rozario,
Mike Wilson, Elaine Wong
Typists: Aaron C. Drake,
Ari Giligson, Orvin Lau,
Philip Ledwith, Derek K.
Miller, David W. New,
Catherine Rankel, Patrick
Pasteup: Aaron C. Drake,
David W. New, Catherine
Rankel, Antonia Rozario,
Ivo Van Selst
Pickup and Delivery: Tanya
Anthony, Amanda S.
Everson, Don Hitchen, Erik
Jensen, James MacLeod,
David W. New, Cathy
Rankel, Antonia Rozario,
Suzanne Saatchi
Distribution: Scott
Davidson, Philip Ledwith,
David W. New, Peter
Siempelkamp, Physsoc,
SUS News Council
The 432
November 28,1990 Dik Miller, Private Eye
by Derek K.Miller
Dik Miller was last seen peeking under
the flap of a tent in the Arabian desert.
No, he is not simply a voyeur (note that I
did not say that he is not a voyeur, period,
but that he is not simply one): he is trying
to find out what the mysterious Angela
Crisco and her two compatriots are doing changing into Arab garb. So that's
where we are. (By the way, this is by far
the longest continuing Dik Miller storyline ever. Feel proud to be its witness.)
When Crisco and her assistants had finished changing, they pulled on fakebeards
and strode to the exit of the tent. I dropped
the tent flap and scutded, crablike, along
the wall so I could see where they were
going. They pded into a 4-wheel drive
truck which was attached to a trailer.
Being trained in the specialized P.I. techniques of hanging onto moving vehicles
and not being noticed, I crouched down
and clambered into the trailer. Of course,
the highly-trained military personnel in
the front didn't notice me. (If they had,
this wouldn't be much of a story, would
We rumbled out of the mditary
compound and into the trackless desert.
Well, okay.it wasn'ttrackless. Months of
military manoeuvres had packed much of
the sand flat with tire tracks, tread trails,
and drag marks. But it was still desert,
and damn hot I was stifling, hiding as I
was under blankets and gear stashed in
the trailer, and the constant bumping up
and down wasn' t much help. In fact, I was
getting rather nauseous, and hoped we
wouldn't go too far before I puked.
After several hours, I was hotter
than I could stand and really ill, so I
brought out my Dik Miller™ Hand
Blender/Fan/Socket Wrench and used it
to cool my face. Bad move.
"What was that?" cried a voice
from the front.
"Sounds like a fan," said another.
Crisco's voice wasnext. "Stop the
We skidded to a stop. I shut off my
"It's gone now," said the first
"Checkitoutanyway," demanded
Creak. Slam. Trudge, trudge,
trudge, trudge. Flip.
The blanket was cast aside, and
blinding desert sunlight hit me square in
the face. One of the Arab-dressed assistants was standing over me.
"Hi," I said. Then I waved. Then I
barfed on him.
When I regained consciousness, I was
lying in the back of the truck. My jaw hurt
quite badly.
"That's funny," I said. "I've never
gotten a sore jaw from throwing up before."
"It's not from throwing up," Crisco countered. She looked rather funny in
Arab headgear and a beard. "After you
puked on him, Johan whacked you in the
jaw and knocked you out."
I turned my head to the right to see
the assistant still wiping stains from his
"Whatdidyou say his name was?"
I asked.
"Johan. Johan Adolf Fritz von
"German, is he?"
"I see," I said. I didn't. "And the
other guy?"
"He's Butch Trucks."
"The drummer for the Allman
Brothers Band?" I inquired, excited. "Can
I get his autograph?"
"Er ... no, he's not that Butch
Trucks," Crisco chided. "They're not
I sat back. "Angela Crisco, Johan
Adolf Fritz von LOwenbrau, and Butch
Trucks. How did three people with such
unusual names ever get together?"
"It's a long story, and we don't
really have time to tell it, since you're not
supposed to be here and we have to take
you back to the base."
What does the K in K-Mart stand for?
Salmon don't run. They fish.
Ever try to adjust the brightness
control on your TV set? The people
don't get any brighter.
These are some of the questions that
plague Dan Quayle, Vice-President of
the U.S. of A. Last year, Questions For
Dan Quayle was a regular column in The
432, asking all those questions that need
to be asked — like what's another word
for Thesaurus? If 7-11's are open 24
hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the door? Who brings baby
storks? Whereiseffigy and why arepeople
always being burnt there? Questions For
Dan Quayle states the profound statements that need to be stated—continental breakfasts aren't that big. And alarms
don't go off: they go on, for crying out
So here is contest number seven:
CONTEST. Give us some questions that
we should ask Dan Quayle. Enter once, or
enter often: there will be prizes for the
best entries and for the most entries. So
enter now!
Of course, this contest wdl extend
through the Christmas vacation, so you
have a choice here. You can either drop
your questions off at SUS (CHEM 160
and if we're not there, just label them for
this contest, with your name and phone
number, and slip it under the door) or
mad them to us over the holidays.
Our mailing address is:
Attn: Questions for Dan Quayle
Science Undergraduate Society
c/o Dean of Science
6270 University Blvd.
Vancouver BC
V6T 1W5
Prize for most entries: A Doonesbury
Collection Book (selected by winner)
Prize for best entry: A Bloom County
Book (selected by winner)
Second Prize: A SUS T-shirt & Boxer
Third Prize: A SUS T-shirt
Fourth Prize: A SUS BasebaU Cap
"But what are you doing?" I wondered, stalling for time.
"Do you seriously think we're
going to tell you that?"
"We're not"
"Thanks a lot. I'm not going back
to the base, though."
"Why not?" she demanded.
"Because I refuse to be stuck in a
cooped-up tent, watched over by armed
guards. So I'm staying with you."
"No you're not"
"Yes I am."
"Oh, no you're not."
"Oh, yes I am."
"Oh, no you're not."
"Oh, no I'm not"
"You don't think I'm going to fall
for that one, do you?" she chided. "There
is a third option."
"What's that?"
She nodded at Johan and Butch,
and they picked me up and pitched me
into the burning sand. The truck lurched
and sped off into the distance.
Two hours later I was ambling through
the dunes with my Dik Miller™ Hand
Blender/Fan/Socket Wrench on HI and a
Dik MiUer™ Canteen by my side. Off
near the shimmering horizon I saw palm
trees and a languid pool, beckoning me
"Must be a mirage," I said.
So it was. Within a few seconds it
had changed from a view of palm trees to
a view of the New York City skyline.
Soon after that, it became a 747 jet, then
a mountain range, then agiantpig, then...
"Hold on a second," I muttered.
(Hey, with hundreds of mdes of desert
around me, who was going to hear me
talking to myself?) "Mirages don't do
I broke into what is as close to a
jog as one can achieve in loose sand.
Soon the ever-changing apparition was
getting closer—something mirages don't
generally do. After a few minutes I was
coming over the crest of a dune and
slowed to a walk. And there it was.
What itwasisanothermatter.lt
was big, in any case. In a large, rocky
depression sat a huge parabolic mirror. It
was projecting the images I had been
seeing (which now included the entire
stadium, crowd, and players of the latest
Super Bowl),life-size. Theimagechanged
again, and this time it was of a huge mass
of attacking footsoldiers.
Then I understood. The U.S. military had created a huge holographic projection device which could be used to
confuse the Iraqis into thinking they were
being attacked, causing them to waste a
lot of ammunition on an dlusion. Ingenious. And pretty perceptive of me, eh?
Now all I had to do was find out
how it worked.
As Dik continues on his nosy (and ridiculously knuckleheaded, as far as we're
concerned) journey into extreme danger,
will hefindout how the projector works?
Will he discover Angela Crisco, Johan
Adolf Fritx von Lowenbrdu, and Butch
Trucks somewhere nearby? Will he ever
run into any Iraqis and make things really exciting? Wait until the newyear and
find out!
Dr. Miller graduatedfrom the University
of British Columbia in 1990,1992,1995,
1999, and 2004. His works on neurosurgery and Spenserian lyricism are classics
in their respective fields, and almost as
famous as his spectacular suborbital
parachute therapy sessions. His lifelong
goal has always been to breed cicadas.
Senate Shorts
-by Orvin Lau-
You did check your exam timetable...?
No? Well, you'd better. The final draft is
out, printed on blue sheets of paper and
posted on bulletin boards all over campus. Make sure you know when and where
your exams are, and don't miss any of
them. If you do, there is no recourse
whatsoever. None.
There was a Senate meeting on
toesameday that 77ie4?2'slastissue came
out It was a tense one: the motion came
up to review the Senate guidelines which
bar students from being involved in appointment, promotion, and tenure decisions — and it passed. Barely. The unofficial count is a 35-25 vote in favour; it
took one minute to count, and for a while
there, I thought it was going to fail.
We also appointed the members
of the teaching evaluations committee
that was established last meeting. Since I
moved the original motion, I'm on it; the
other student reps are Wendy King (senator at-large) and Ben Prins (from Applied
Science). In total, there are eight people
on the committee. We should be meeting
soon, and calling for input sometime next
If you read The Ubyssey, two
stories on this were printed in the No
vember 16 issue; however, the editor
goofed, and one of them didn't make any
sense. What's happening is that although
the promotion-and-tenure-review-com-
mittee motion did pass, it hasn't been
decided who's going to do the reviewing.
It may go to the teaching evaluations
committee, or it could be that a separate
committee will be set up. Personally, I'd
like to see the teaching evaluations
committee that I'm on to do the review.
Recendy, a few people have approached me and asked if there really is
an actual person called The Registrar.
Well, there is; and surprise, surprise, he's
the top guy at the Registrar's Office.
If you are considering running for
the Board of Governors or Senate, the
nominations are due on Friday, November 30 at 4pm at the Registrar's Office.
And in closing, good luck on your
exams, and have a happy Christmas holiday. Always remember the words of Bart
Simpson: "Don't have a cow, man!"
Youprobably'recognize OrvinLau'sname
as host of the popular TV show, Those
Wacky Wallabies. But before becoming
the celebrated Australian naturalist he is
today, Lau earned three doctorates in
French, Mathematics, and Metallurgy.
November 28,1990 Questions for Dan Quayle That's Trivial! Answers
How did Colonel Sanders ever get to be a
Colonel selling chicken parts? Why only
eleven herbs and spices? How many of
them are herbs?
Who really wants to know why
the chicken crossed the road, anyway?
Some people have no lives...
What happens when a slightiy
resistable force meets an almost immovable object?
Can a cat be as sick as a dog? How
sick is that anyway? Is it sicker than a
budgie, but not as sick as a warthog?
They keep telling us, Coke Is It.
But they don't tell us what It is. Carbonated brake fluid? Possibly...
Aquaman bugs me. For a superhero he's pretty lame. What does he do?
He summons fish. That's a pretty narrow
scope for a super-crimefighter. How in
the heck will diat stop an armed robbery?
What's he gonna do — call in a lobster?
I'm sorry, but I just don't feel threatened
by some guy in tights and a cape that
threatens to summon a trout.
Or Wonder Woman's invisible
plane. There's a real stealth device. Every
cartoon I've watched with her plane
showed the plane being invisible, but not
Wonder Woman herself.
What happens to all the umbrellas
we lose? I personally go through one a
day. There must be an umbrella graveyard somewhere.
And I bet they're buried with all
our missing socks. In our missing luggage.
Why do they call them blackboards? They're green.
They're not, not typewriters.
They're typeprinters. Someone in marketing made a boo-boo.
What the hell is a boo-boo and
what do people do with them after they
make them? Do they take our umbrellas
to the umbrella graveyard?
Why do they call them sweatpants?
Ever see one of them sweat?
What is a cubby anyway? Why do
we put holes in them?
In baseball, why do they call them
strikes? Nothing's been struck. It's been
There's nothing classified about a
classified ad. Anyone can see them. They
should be called unclassified ads.
Boy, we're reaching, aren't we?
Why are they called Deans? Why
aren't they called Larrys? Then we'd
have Larry Barry McBride.
If you recharge a dead battery, is it
an undead battery?
%MS "Briefs\
-by Trent Hammer-
Here's what did and didn't happen at the
October 14th AMS Council meeting.
1) The honourable Dr. D. Strangway
addressed the Council in a brief question-
and-answer session v/here tuition increases, recycling, safety on campus,
daycare, University development and
Strangway's Future Vision for U.B.C.
were discussed. The impression I was
given throughout this session was that
even though there will be approximately
200 million dollars raised for development on campus, Strangway is still maintaining the academic portions of the university with die same funds as they've
always had. Hell, if the public and corporate sectors are open to funding the research facilities, they should also help
fund the education of those who will be
the future lifeblood of these facilities.
2) The School of Famdy and Nutritional Sciences was granted $400 for
delegates to attend a conference at the
University of Moncton, New Brunswick.
(Note: you'd have to pay me more than
$400 to get me to go to New Brunswick.)
3) Council decided to take part in an
Anti-Discrimination workshop to educate us about ways to light racism. This
workshop will be open to all members of
Students' Councd, AMS committees,
SAC, and Service Organizations. If you're
interested in attending (the date is yet to
be set), please contact me in the SUS
office or talk to members of the Anti-
Discrimination Committee.
1) Representatives from the AMS
Women's Centre and Volunteer Connections were supposed to speak. They didn't
2) A record 9 motions about referenda were tossed out because there was
no real unity within Council about what
to do with quorum. As things stand right
now, for a referendum to pass, it must
reach a quorum level of 10% of the student population voting in the affirmative.
This is to ensure that anything passed by
vote is truly wanted, and to ensure that the
student population is informed that the
vote is taking place. I believe in quorum
as it is set. Other council members believe that this is a scummy way of maintaining the "Status Quo" and that there
should be no quorum, and still others
believe that quorum should be lowered so
as to make it easier to reach. In my opinion, there are two ways for an issue not to
makequorum: if the referendum ispoorly
advertised, and if nobody really cares
about the issue, There should be a lot
more about this mess at the November 28
Council meeting (6:30 pm in room SUB
206), so please attend if you want to
throw in your two bits.
3) A motion by Kurt Preinsperg for
the AMS to fund a workshop on Constructive Ways of Addressing Male-Female Relationship Issues was defeated.
The cost would have been approximately
NOTE: Next meeting will be a real joke
— after each motion, a different Council
member wdl tell one joke to Council. If
anybody has a really good joke that isn't
racist, sexist, or homophobic, and that
doesn't attack Newfies, Surrey girls,
Artsies, Aggies, Foresters or any other
minority, please contact the Cheeze Pub
at 228-3818.
Trent Hammer got out of capillary tubing
investments just before the crash, and has
devoted his life to the degradation of
living conditions for bureaucrats. He now
sits as the Monber of Parliament for
Whitehorse South.
1. Central Intelligence Agency
2. North Atlantic Treaty Organization
3. DeoxyriboNucleic Acid
4. TRI-University Meson Facility
5. National Research Council
6. Nuclear Magnetic Resonance
7. Acquired Immune Deficiency
8. Adenosine Triphosphate
9. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers
10. Not In My BackYard
11. Light Amplification by Stimulated
Emission of Radiation
12. Self-Contained   Underwater
Breathing Apparatus
13. General Agreement on Trades and
14. STrategic Arms Reductions Talks
15. Tri-NitroToluene
16. New International Economic Order
17. Permissive Action Link
18. Superconducting Quantum Interference Detector
19. United Nations Truce Supervisory
20. Weakly Interacting Massive Particle
Bonus Question : Have A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Tanya Rose was a writer for Jeopardy!
until the show folded in 1998, when she
tried poetry under the pseudonym Ophelia Zurp. Her most famous book is Yeah.
Hey You.
The Black & Blue Review
forms are Out There somewhere. Someone should
have talked to at least one
of your classes about them
— or if not, you can find
them at any departmental
club office or SUS itself.
Just fill out one column for
each Science prof you had
this term, and return them
to CHEM 1(30 by November
30th — and everybody'll be
as happy as Smurfs.
It seems that we at The 432
went and got too environmentally friendly for our
britches, recycling all our
copies of Volume 4, Issue 5
— that's the Hallowe'en
issue, with the RNA in the
logo — without grabbing
any for the SUS archives.
So to the first eight people
who bring us a reasonably
good-condition V.4 N.5,
we'll pay a quarter each.
How's that for resale value?
^he (Drawers of SUS
-by Catherine
November 15/90
•Well, what can I
say? More club
budgets! The As-
■V.' tronomy Club got
-. * $50 and the Bio-
,f* chemistry Physi-
ology Pharmacol-
' ogy club took off
with $896, while
the Dawson Club (Geology) got the much-
needed sum of $140.
•Orvin's Senate report informed
us that Arts and Science may be redoing
their admissions requirements.
•Science Sales is having a sale,
and by the time you get this paper it will
be half over. Everything is at cost, so stop
by one of the four locations (see the ad
this issue) and pick up on hot SUS duds.
We also discussed the feasibdity of getting plastic Science mugs.
•The deadline for the Teaching
Excellence Award has come and gone,
but Black and Blue Review questionnaires are still being accepted until November 30th. Please submit your completed forms to CHEM 160, in the box by
the microwave.
•The Astronomy club is planning
a trip to Mexico next year. The weekend
of January 19th-20th, they're visiting
Dominion Astrophysical Observatory in
•BIOSOC had a skating party on
November 17th.
•The Micro Club's Geek Night on
November 23rd went well.
•CS3 held a successful bzzr garden the other week.
•The PSA had a great wine and
cheese on November 16th.
November 22/90
•Council passed a motion to donate all
proceeds from the pop cans in our office
to the food drive.
•Dean harped about the SALE that
is NOW ON. Please stop by and have a
look at what we're providing for you.
•Aaron agreed to make boxes for
The 432 this weekend.
•The President's Choice Dance
went very well, for those of us who were
there. I'm sure you'll hear all sorts of neat
things about the boat races, of which the
Bloc Physsoc team (Radical Beer Faction) is the reigning champion. As for
myself, I'll never look at another beer
again. We look forward to seeing you at
the Science Week Dance, January 25th.
•Plans for Science Week are going marvellously, thank you very much.
It's going to be an action-packed week
and you'll be missing out if you don't
catch at least one event.
•Otherwise, good luck on your
exams and Merry Christmas!
Two months before graduating, Catherine Rankel suddenly decided that her true
calling in life had always been tropical
landscaping. She moved to Brazil in 1994
and has spent the last twenty years planting coffee on the rainforest floor.
The 432
November 28,1990 Thank You and Goodbye
-by Antonia
On Thursday, November 29th,
1990,1 will finally
be graduating with
a B.Sc. in General
Biology. For most
students, this
would be a cause
for celebration,
merriment, and
self-gratification. I, though, being the
good-natured, soft-spoken, easy-going,
God-fearing, freshly-packed person that
I am, have taken the time to reflect on
those individuals who have influenced
my life. If you would allow me this one
privilege, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the "special people"
I've met at UBC who have gone out of
their way to somehow influence my
undergraduate life.
To the UEL Campus Police:
Thank you ever so much for ticketing my
father's car when I parked it illegally for
II minutes outside the Student Union
Budding. As the car is no longer legally
insured, you can expect your parking
ticket money about as soon as hell freezes
To all the university janitors:
Thank you for never striking in the last
four and a half years, and for always
doing a good job mopping, polishing and
cleaning. I may not tell you often enough
that I appreciate the work that you do, but
rest assured that your arduous labours go
noticed. On a more personal note, I extend my sincerest thanks to the kind janitor who worked in the washroom of the
Woodward IRC Building in March 1989.
Lending me that coat hanger enabled me
to fish out my house keys from the toilet.
I apologize for taking so long to thank
you and for never asking you if you
needed that coat hanger back.
To the library monitors at
Sedgewick and Main: Thank you for
beratingmeonfour occasions forchewing
jube jubes in the library. I'm sure the
sexual perverts appreciated the free unsupervised time you gave them to sit nude in
the stacks.
To the Ubyssey Staff: Thank you
for consistendy coming out with detestible
articles and editorials. Thank you for
never representing me morally, ethically
or politically, and for never being objective, impartial or fair. If I had ever taken
your work seriously I probably would
have been offended.
To ICBC: Thank you for processing the five accident claims I had last
year. Thank you also for not placing me
in the ICBC Hall of Fame when I accidentally rammed into my parked Toyota with
the Chevy Impala I had borrowed from
my father.
To my university professors:
(■iovanna Vassone quaffs a cup for the Radical Beer Faction boat race team
Science Sales
Beat the G.S.T. this week only! Sales booths
are up Wednesday and Friday in Chemistry,
Hebb, Wesbrook and Woodward—or anytime
in CHEM 160!
(Almost) All Items At Cost!
We make no commission on sweaters (from $29.00),
sweatshirts (just $16.25), windbreakers (only $30.00),
or jerseys (the ludicrously low sum of $25.00),
and you get the best deal we'll ever offer again!
Remember — if yon act now, not only can yon take advantage of mis wonderful sak that we're putting on for juft such folks as you —
really, we are — but you even get to avoid paying QS.T. on all moss nifty duds you were saving up for after Christmas to buy. So
prices won't just adda commission, they'll add tax (ugh) too, and just simply rocket through the roof (but still affordable, of course, this
being your friendly neighbourhood Science Sales we're talking about here, just not quite so eminently affordable as they are now and
now only). Imagine! Why, you could buy a Science V-Neck sweater for your best friend, and just mink how delighted she'll be come
Christmas mom. "Oh, Bartholomew!" shell say, replacing "Bartholomew'' by whatever your name might happen to be. "How could
you have known mat's exactly what I wanted — md in your choice of three designer colours, too!" Or maybe you 11 get a mysterious
package yourself that fateful afternoon, bearing a beautiful black Science T-shirt with white and gold puff ink — and you'11 be forced to
rue the ill fortune which prevented you from going to Science Sales' Beat-The-G.S.T. Sale and giving just such a perfect gift in return.
"Oh, Rumplestiltzktn,M you 11 say, replacing '"RumplestiltEkin,'' appropriately enough, with the name of your benefactor, "how could
you have been so perceptive to my every want? You must have been to Science Sales and taken full advantage of their $12^0 price!"
And then Boxing Day wul come, and youll start partying in earnest, and you'll forget me whole business like you do every year.
Thank you for always using my grades to
shade the left side of your bell-curved
marking scheme. Thank you for never
writing a Physics, Chemistry or Biochemistry midterm I could pass, and for using
me as an example of how not to study.
To TELEREG: Thank you for
making me spend of six hours trying to
register for my third year courses. Thank
you for refusing to enrol me in any of 14
completely different Arts courses in fourth
year and for diligendy repeating, "There
are no more available sections...," at
least 125 times.
All in all, UBC was good to me.
I'll miss the Lime and the Reptile, but
otherwise I leave with no regrets.
Antonia Rozario opened a downtown
Manhattan public speaking clinic in 1993.
Seven years later, she became President
Mac Andrew s chiefspeechwriter, and has
served the White House ever since.
Science Week '91
Deadline extended
to November 30/90
Design the winning
T-shirt and win
fabulous prizes*!
'Designs should include
"UBC Science Week 1991,'
"4th Annual Trike Race."
Science Week '91
-by Ari
"Hey, that was
really a good
article!" "The
paper looked
that funny ad!"
These are the
t ^ type of com-
» JBments     that
^^™ anyone involved with the SUS often hears about
The 432; many times from people not
even in Science. Whenever somebody
addresses such a comment to me, I say,
"You should tell Dave New; he's the guy
that did most of the hard work."
But, who is Dave New? Where
did he come from? Where is he going?
And, does he know a good bagel when he
tastes one? First, the reason that I'm telling you this is because a) Dave is modest
enough not to brag about himself in his
own publication, and b) I had to write
something at the last minute this week.
I met Dave in first year at the
Physics Society. He seemed to be the
typical first-year scholarship kid, with a
twist. The twist was that he was eccentric
— not eccentric by accident but by volition. We met again when it turned out that
both of us would be the two first-year reps
for SUS. We had a good time that year
fighting for the SUS cause. We both hung
around the SUS office (more like a closet
in room Scarfe 9). And Dave would do
things like altering the names on the
message board. For instance: Todd Ablett
became Todd Oblate, Julie Memory —
Julie 2K RAM etc. (I did not. I only
made lame puns out of four people's
names, and I wish I'd thought of those
two first. -Ed.)
Did I mention that David New (or
Aphid Newt) was eccentric? Well, apart
from his hair, one must talk to Dave to
discover this. For instance, I don't think
there is a spell-checker yet programmed
that can beat him, nor does anyone I know
of in Science have quite the same sensitivity for grammar. Dave finds lexicographical contortions, typos, oxymorons and
verbal ironies (expressed or implied) to
be hilarious. In fact he is often ,seen
laughing at some text or sign that others
find quite plain and boring. And when I
say laughing, I really mean the sort of
sound a Volkswagen makes on a cold
morning when you try to start it
Anyway, we continued into our
brilliant second year with the SUS, myself as AMS rep and Dave in no definable
position yetalwayshangingaround,ready
to help and writing for The 432. It was at
the end of second year that Dave came up
with a brilliant suggestion. Since the year
to come would be the UBC 75th Anniversary and various campus groups were
making applications to Community relations to host some sort of special anniversary event, Dave thought up a creative
theme for Science Week 1990. The theme
was supposed to be an alien landing but
alas, for various reasons, it never came
together. However, Dave, having been
appointed Science Week Co-ordinator
for the following year, worked up a proposal for Community Relations which
did net SUS some money to hold a rather
good Science Week anyway.
I was mentioning before about the
bagel. You see, somehow — you'll have
to ask Dave for detads — he had never
eaten a bagel until he reached the age of
20; thus at his 20th birthday party, almost
everyone in attendance brought a bagel
forhimtoeat Speaking of which, Dave's
Parties are very surreal events. If he ever
invites you, be sure to go, but don't hold
any expectations. (That's all I'm going to
So now that you know a bit about
Dave New, make sure that next time you
come by the SUS Office you look to see
if there is a long-haired, behatted man
sitting behind the Macintosh. If you liked
something in the paper, tell him; if you
want to contribute something, tell him.
And whatever you do, don't tell him I
wrote this.
Architect, gardener, and disinfectant
entrepreneur extraordinaire, Ari Giligson
took over the editorship of the National
Enquirer in 2002. His autobiography,
Reptile from a Previous Life, sold eight
million copies last year.
The 432
November 28,1990


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