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The 432 Nov 5, 1991

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 grg All The Twos That's
Fit to Mint       "
The Newspaper for Science Students   Version 5.04 • November 5,1991
Vancouver (CUP)
In the most dramatic development to date in the ongoing
mystery surrounding the death
of Igor Millipede, the editor in
chief of the 432 has gone into
self-imposed exile to some unspecified location. Patrick Redding, in a memorandum circulated to the staff of his popular
newspaperwas quoted as saying: "It breaks my heart to flee
in such a manner, with my tail
between my legs. But I cannot
serve the ongoing cause of viv-
isectionists everywhere while
my work is being continually
disrupted by these meddling kids
and their damn dog."
Acting editor Ryan McCuaig
was unavailable for comment,
but a source close to the newly-
elected first year rep gave the
cryptic warning: "He'i; quite
mad, you know. Redding will
kill us all if he's allowed to re-
gernerate the lost limb."
In recent weeks, there has been
some speculation among offi
cials investigating the suspicious
circumstances surrounding the
inexplicable coma and death of
Igor Millipede, that there may
have been an extensive conspiracy operating within the ranks
of the Science Undergrad Society. Rumors of "special
branches" within that organization's executive have abounded
for years without confirmation,
but many now feel that Redding
was privy to some form of hidden knowledge that he was exploiting to achieve his own ne
farious aims.
It was recently reported that
several hundred kilograms of
fermented Panda marrow were
seized at the US border, hidden
in packages addressed to one
"Agartha W. Thule" of Burn-
aby, B.C. The psuedonym
"Agnew R. Thuller" had been
employed by Patrick Redding in
the past, on works on political
theory published by Grassy
Knoll Ltd. of Dallas, Texas.
What use Redding might have
had for the marrow is unclear.
Redding's whereabouts are of
course, unknown, but since he is
a known practitioner of Iso-
Zarathustrianism as interpreted
by the extremist Wives of Er-
ishkigel Sect, it is likely that he
will not have shifted himself
more than a few hours away
from the last place in which he
experienced deja vu, since that
religion believes that all of subjective reality is merely the
combined aftershockof sporadic
bursts of divinity, corresponding to feelings of recall.
God \nCOtt\pe\eni7   W2 Reporter Investigates
Harry Tic
It has taken me many years
to carefully craft my views on
religion into an absurdly
unique doctrine. I can thus
proudly state that I am a
Christian Fundamentalist Shit-
Disturber; I firmly believe in
God, and in the literal truth of
the Bible. I also believe that
God is a dangerously incompetent, lazy, hypocritical, pom
pous bully who should be hung
by the short hairs from the
nearest oak tree until his nose
Of course I'll fry in Hsll for
my beliefs, but then I am not
about to be cowed by the
threat of damnation. I am a
man of my convictions, 'i
wonder how many Christians
would still embrace their
beliefs if their reward for
following Christ was to burn in
Hellfire rather than bask in
So, how can I justify this view?
Well, just look at the Universe.
In all its vast glory and wondrous complexity and diversity,
it is the single greatest argument
for the existence of God, for it is
the sum total of His Creation. I
think it's a piece of shit. He
made it in six days, and it looks
like it! I mean, He probably had
like three months to do it in, but
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He just sat around watching
Barney Miller pre-runs, and
playing Nintendo, and then threw
it all together at the last minute.
Then on the seventh day, He
rested without even double
checking! It it any wonder things
began to Fall apart so soon?
What is the single most
obvious feature of the Universe? It is almost entirely
empty! Unimaginably vast
tracts of empty space are eve
rywhere, just like Manitoba.
Indeed, if stars weren't
constantly emitting blinding
waves of light, you wouldn't
even know there was anything
in the Universe. So once He
created light, God knew He
could get away with putting
almost nothing out there, as
long as He made it noticeable.
And of course He made light
To get all this light, he had
see GOD, p.6
SUS Commandos ClaimTrophy
The two leaders of the failed coup earlier this year redeemed themselves last week with the daring hijacking ofEUS President Boomer's
Godiva patch. In spite of heinous retaliatory measures (both conspirators were mercilessly 'rose-bowled'), the patch is still in SUS
possession. It is now being ransomed for an undisclosed amount. Page Two
The Four Thirty-Two     Version 5.04 •  Novembers, 1991
Lus Canons
North America needs an enema. No, strike that. It's gone
beyond the simple purgative
stage: North America needs a
colostomy, and fast. Let me
No doubt, some of you loyal
readers came across a certain
feature last issue, on page seven,
entitled How to Neuter Your Cat
At Home. No bones about it, this
pictorial was in extremely poor
taste, probably had no artistic
merit to it at all, and likely offended some cat lovers out there.
This I am completely willing to
grant, and I stand behind the
decision to print the damn thing
100%. It has nothing to do with
exercising freedom of expression,orany such self-indulgence.
The fact of the matter is, I had an
idea; a certain curiosity about
how people react to explicit
depictions of extreme brutality,
and I wanted confirmation of
my worst suspicions. Boy, was
I ever proven correct.
I drew the thing up, I wrote
out the text to accompany it,
giving fairly careful thought to
the exact tone and wording, and
I laid it out in the 432 on the page
where I felt it would be the least
disruptive. The inclusion of the
article came as no surprise to
either my editorial staff, or the
SUS executive; the original art
was there for all to see, and more
often than not, I went out of my
way to show it to people in the
SUS office. Universally the
reaction I received was one of
laughter. No, not necessarily
the raucous bellows of hilarity
that one normally associates with
high comedy. People responded
with nervous giggles and incredulous cackles and the odd
wince, all of which are typical,
when normal healthy folk encounter black comedy. I don't
think that there is anything particularly comedic about castrating a house cat with a pair of
pruning shears. I really don't. I
also don't think that the vast
majority of 432 readers have too
much difficulty distinguishing
between comedy and irony.
I could go on at length about
how in the context of the October 23rd issue, the cat article
was just one extreme example of
a typical brand of morbid inquiry, but there really isn' t much
point. The bottom line is, for
days after that issue hit the stands,
I wondered when I was going to
get mobbed by enraged readers,
and whether or not this little
pointless experiment might cost
me my reputation (such as it is).
Well, the answer to that is a
desolate "no". The article
evoked simple chuckles, the
occasional "Oh man that' s sick,"
and an almost disheartening
number of "Mmm. Gee. What-
evers." What does it take? Two
issues ago I talked about how it
seemed like our popular culture
is trying real hard to innure itself
to the constant background din
of senseless, pathological brutality. The issue before that
featured an eight-panel cartoon
portraying a self-inflicted gunshot to the head in scrumptious
detail. The reader response to
that was negligible, not counting the single letter I received
from a friend of mine, which
was mostly in jest. Oh sure, all
of these items desperately beg
the question: "Why makes you
think that the readers want to
read any of this shit, in what has
traditionally been a light humor
publication?" However, I didn't
produce the first cartoon with
the intent of unearthing some
big, nasty truth about human
nature. It was meant to be black
comedy, period. I just got curious, that's all.
Well, I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into the
SUS office several days into the
release of Version 5.03, and
found a phone message from
some person who wanted to talk
to a 432 staffer about the issue.
Returning the call, I found myself speaking to a very articulate, very polite gentleman who
expressed his concern over some
of the material in that issue.
When I inquired as to whether or
not this man meant the Cat-
Neutering piece, I was somewhat confused to learn that he
was particularly upset over the
front page story entitled "Igor
Dead". Okay, up till this point in
the short conversation, I had been
dealing with this unnamed person with the utmost in tact and
diplomacy, since I was hoping
beyond all reasonable hope that
all this might lead to some intelligent input into the content of
the paper, something which
might serve to trigger the critical
faculties of the student readership. Well, I was not just a little
taken aback by the notion that
this Igor article, which took on
the none too delicate task or
reporting the death of SUS's
week-old millipede, was objectionable in some comparable
sense to the Cat piece. I quietly
asked Mr. X what the specific
problem was with respect to the
Igor article and he explained,
simply, that it was "speciesist."
Speciesist. To jump ahead
somewhat, I finally learned how
to spell this word. It isn't actually a word in the English language, yet. It's possible that a
future edition of Webster's Dictionary will include it, but the
question of what Miriam
Webster's includes or doesn't
include in their lexicon is a whole
kettle of worms I have no desire
to wade through. Suffice it say,
that at that moment in which I
first heard the article about Igor
the Millipede referred to as
"speciesist," I almost dropped
the phone in disbelief. Wait a
minute, I said, don't you want to
talk about the cat article? Etc.,
The first thing that occured to
me after the surreal call ended,
as I sat there in glassy-eyed incapacitation, was that of course
I'm speciesist. If by speciesist
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you mean that my first priorities
lie in the continuing biological
success of my species, well then
naturally. That's hardly the kind
of ingrained motivation I'm
going to abandon or deny. It's
why I eat, sleep, lose my temper
and get horny; none of which
activities require the participation of any thought processes
more advanced than those I share
with your garden-variety newt.
But to imply that I somehow
don't care about the well-being
of real animals, and the real
problems associated with extinction or exploitation of other
species as a consequence is to
completely lose touch with what
it means to be human and compassionate. Our society has truly
done a fine job of despoiling the
environment and even wiping
out some entire plant and animal
species; but the punishment for
these infractions cannot be to
silence an idea simply because it
has unpleasant connotations.
Were I to, in all seriousness,
instruct each of you to burn one
acre of rain forest, the irresponsibility of such a directive would
ultimately alienate me from my
readers and my ongoing impact
would be diminished. That is
always the consequence for my
screwing up in some way with
the 432. In a way, you and I are
always playing a little game in
which I try to challenge your
imaginations by coming up with
you assess my efforts critically.
If I touch one nerve, you might
laugh; if I touch another, you
might get mad or sick. More
often than not, you'll be briefly
entertained or vaguely troubled,
but rarely affected in any dramatic way. The last thing I want
to do is insult your intelligence,
Which leads back to the main
point, which is that I think that
there is a place in the 432 for
ironic or "dark" satire. That
means that some non-serious
articles are specifically calculated to horrify. Of course, UBC
has some very specific rules
about what you can and cannot
print on campus. The basic gist
of it is, you are not allowed to
create an environment which is
hostile for any groups or individuals, or which interferes with
the fundamental role of the university as a place of learning.
The problem may arise, as it has
on campuses all over this continent, that these two stipulations
come to conflict with one an
other. That is, the promotion of
free thought and exchange of
ideas could in principle propagate some ideas which intrude
on the well-being of a person or
persons at the university; and,
the maintenance of a universally
non-threatening environment
could similarly restrict the public exchange of ideas that have
unpleasant implications for some
or all. My own policy with respect to the 432 is to pay attention to precedent, and employ
some common sense, seeking
the perspective of others when
possible. Soyouwon'tfindracist
or sexist (1991 def.) humor in
this paper, for the not-so-noble
reason that / don't want to get
kicked out of school.
As you've seen, I'll freely take
pot-shots at religion, and just as
importantly, at science. This I
feel is well within the realm of a
"Newspaper for Science Students," since a good scientist has
to be able to grapple with some
ethical dilemmas, sometimes
accepting an unsatisfactory
compromise where human sensibilities are concerned. In the
course of challenging the world-
views of future particle-splitters
and gene-splicers, I feel free to
blunder my way through the odd
bit of sick humor here and there.
I also feel free to address some
taboo subjects, tearing them wide
open as space allows. After all,
if I can't deal with it, and if you
can't handle reading it, who's
going to make the decisions
about it tomorrow? If you're
asking yourself what that has to
do with castrating a cat with
garden shears, then maybe you
should go find yourself an Agriculture student and ask him/her
to describe how cattle are
"fixed." It's part of the real
world. You accept it. You eat
beef, you drink milk, you wear
leather. So while some very
virtuous people may abstain from
those items, you have to think
about the realities behind those
little mundane things you take
for granted. Otherwise, how are
you supposed to deal with the
real doozies?
That's the end of my rant. It
may actually be incoherent,
given the time of night and the
state of mind in which it was
composed. I can only hope that
you caught the basic ideas, and
that some radical computer-
rights activists don't condemn
me for keeping my Mac on all
U.B.C. Student Support
AMS Peer Counselling, Information & Referral Service
Room 100, 6138 Student Union Bldg. Blvd.
VancouverB. C. V6T1Z1
Information Line 822-3777
Peer Support Line 822-3700 Version 5.04 • November5,1991    The Four Thirty-Two
Page Three
The 432
© 1991 The Science Undergrad Society
Version 5.04
November 5,1991
E d i t o r
Patrick Redding
Ryan McCuaig
Patrick Redding
Morgan Burke
Jaret Clay
Aaron Drake
Clement Fung
Mike Hamilton
Jerry Kuch
Derek Miller
Patrick Redding
Jeremy Reimer
Harr y Tic
Roger Watts
Patrick Redding
David Sovka
Roger Watts
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to D. Falk
My heartfelt thanks go out to
David Falk for writing last
issue's Pseudoscientist column
while I was on vacation. His
piece is a classic example of
Scientific Creationism at work,
and a fitting testimonial to pseu -
doscientists all over the world.
Regrettably, he say fit to slander my name in the course of
rebutting my "flippant" treatment of Creationism (he has
obviously mistaken the452 for a
non-flippant publication.) Because (a) it is easier than thinking up a new column idea, (b) I
have an ego that does not take
well to potshots, and (c) the editor
wants me to, the rest of this
issue's Pseudoscientist column
will contain an iron-clad, fact-
laden counter-rebuttal to Mr.
Mr. Falk concludes that evolution is mere hypothesis, in fact
little more than a "guess". He
arrives at this conclusion because:
1) we never see new species
being formed.
2) there is a lack of experimental
3) there is only one example of
evolution having occurred (ie.
life on Earth).
For a former science student
(and a biology student at that),
Mr. Falk is startlingly short on
his knowledge of evolution. All
three of his assertions are incorrect, as I shall demonstrate.
Let us begin with the first of
his contentions. There is a huge
volume of direct experimental
and observational evidence indicating that species can not only
evolve, but are doing so even as
we watch. Mr. Falk may be surprised to learn that biologists
have witnessed the creation of
new species on numerous occasions. One example isNicotiana
digluta, a fertile species of tobacco that was created when a
chromosome doubling event
occurred in a sterile hybrid of N.
tabacum and N. glutinosa. He
will find another example in
Kiliasand Alahiotis' study which
produced sexual isolation and
hybrid sterility in two initially
identical populations of D.
melanogaster that were raised
under different conditions of humidity and temperature for six
years (Evolution 36,1982). One
can also find numerous instances
in nature where we have strong
evidence of recent speciations
having occurred, (eg. cichlids in
Lakes Victoria and Nabugabo in
Never mind that Mr. Falk is
dead wrong regarding observations of speciation events, he
also makes the huge error of
equating speciation with evolution. The two are not the same!
The creation of new species is
not a prerequisite for evolution.
In fact, the opposite is true:
evolution must occur before
speciation occurs (that Mr. Falk
is unaware of this is hopefully
not a reflection of the quality of
UBC's biology program). This
means that the creation of new
species is actually quite peripheral to the issue of evolution.
Observations of evolution
without speciation are legion.
Mr. Falk should consider any
one of our thousands of agricultural and domestic species, or
any of the hundreds of published
experiments on artificially-induced evolution in laboratory
organisms, or the celebrated
industrial melanism in European
moths, or the differentiation of
our own species into the various
races, for examples of evolution
occurring before our eyes. The
quantity of direct physical evidence confirming the existence
of evolution is downright overwhelming.
Mr. Falk's third contention
that evolution has only occurred
once is also incorrect, although
perhaps not obviously so. While
it may be true that life has arisen
only once on Earth, evolution
does not require living organisms to act upon. Evolution will
take control of any system that
contains (1) a population of
varying elements, (2) changing
forces of selection, and (3) heredity. Far from being 'nebulous', the principles of evolution
are logically rigourous, and
mathematically demonstrable.
They are even used to solve
complex problems in engineering and computer science (eg.
"evolutionary neural networks"
and "genetic algorithms").
The fact is, evolution works.
Any system that meets the above
three criteria, including everything from fruit flies to pie-baking contests to automobile product lines, will evolve. Once Mr.
Falk recognizes that life also
meets these conditions, he will
realize that it must evolve,
whether we like it or not.
What all of this means is that
evolution is indeed a fact, or
rather, a huge assemblage of
facts. Theories have been proposed to explain these facts, and
tnose based on Darwin and
Wallace's ideas of natural selection have been by far the most
successful. Mr. Falk's suggestion that evolution is little more
than a "guess" betrays a deep ignorance of the nature of scientific theory, and only serves to
underscore how much of apseu-
doscience creationism really is.
Mr. Falk's strange musings
on the Second Law of Thermodynamics and the Big Bang
might be worthy of comment if
they made sense, but since they
don't, I'll move on to the subject
of biochemistry.
Mr. Falk appears to take the
stand that the first organisms
mustnecessarily have possessed
modern energy transport mechanisms and extensive genetic
codes based on uniform stereoi
somers. However, the boundary
between life and non-life is not
so clearly defined as he would
like. Easily identifiable living
organisms were certainly preceded by an extensive period of
chemical evolution involving
free amino acids, proteinoids,
microspheres, bilayered vesicles, and other structures that
could not be considered alive in
the modern sense, but which
would have provided fertile
ground for evolution to act upon.
Self-consistent genetic codes,
metabolic cycles, and uniform
amino acid chirality are all very
plausible consequences of this
early phase of pre-biotic evolution. Mr. Falk's suggestion that
primitive proto-cells must have
had all the same bells and
whistles that modern cells enjoy
is like concluding that the first
automobiles must have had electronic fuel injection and cruise
control. Just because nucleic
acids and proteins are interdependent in modern cells does
not mean that it was always so.
Certain bacteria (eg. Bacillus
brevis) are capable of producing
proteins using enzymes only, and
we have no reason to think that
similar primitivepolymerization
processes were not at work "in
the beginning".
As with all the other Creationists that I have spoken to and
corresponded with over the
years, Mr. Falk has demonstrated
a remarkable ability to selectively ignore those facts that are
incompatible with his world
view, quote science trivia out of
context, and misinterpret the
huge volume of solid, physical
evidence that long ago relegated
creationism to the large pile of
outmoded religious cosmologies. In the course of whining
about my alleged grasp of the
facts, he has displayed an appalling ignorance not just of
evolution, but of science in
general. Mr. Falk should make
an excellent Creation Scientist.
The power of the human mind
to mistake heartfelt belief for
absolute truth is remarkable. In
me words ot Tolstoy: "I know
that most men, including those
at ease with problems of the
greatest complexity, can seldom
accept even the simplest and
most obvious truth if it be such
as would oblige them to admit
the falsity of conclusions which
they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they
have proudly taught to others,
and which they have woven,
thread by thread, into the fabric
of their lives."
Mr.Burke is the patriotic hero
who, in last year's invasion of
the Earth by saucer aliens, valiantly led a ragtag team of intrepid freedom fighters against
the Mother Ship of our world's
monstrous enemies. Page Four
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.04 • Novembers, 1991
A Tale of
I bought a car last week. My
last car was an MGB. MGB is
short for Motor's Gonna Blow,
which it did. After that, there
was not much point to driving it.
So, for the past few years, my
Classic '73 has been sitting in
my carport, whimpering, slowly
turning into a pile of MGB
Classic Iron Oxide.
When I started looking for a
new car two weeks ago, my first
instinct was to blow the entire
bankroll on a 1969 British Spitfire that would also end up sitting in my yard, slowly turning
to apile of Spitfire Iron Oxide. It
could keep my MGB company;
they could spend the long nights
talking to each other in the subsonic language that old British
cars use.
MG: I say! Broke down again,
did you, old chap!
SPITFIRE: (rust)
Eventually, logic prevailed,
much against my will. Actually
, the salesman failed to get the
Spitfire started. I decided to
comparison shop.
I hate buying cars. Used-car
salesmen are Agents of Satan.
What we need is a car lot that has
no salesmen. We could come
and look at thecars at our liesure,
then phone a special 1-800
number, and the next day the
dealership would Loomis us the
car keys so that we could go for
a test drive. I don't know why
this doesn't happen in real life.
No doubt it's a conspiracy. If we
did it the logical way, then all
those used-car salesmen would
have to find real jobs, and the
polyester industry would collapse.
As it stands now, we have to
skulk around the lot, hoping that
salesmen don't see us. Before
the Politically Correct Fringe
start picketing The 432, let me
state that I have never EVER
met a used car saleswoman.
Why? Because no self-respect-
ing woman would wear plaid
pants with a green striped sports
jacket. Women also don't have
the recessive dork gene that
makes men comb their hair back
with Quaker State Hair Lotion
and try and sell you a car that
won't run.
I checked out used-car lots,
scampering from one to the other.
I would quickly walk into the car
lot and jog past all the cars, before a salesman could put down
his Nerd Quarterly and come
out. This worked fine until I got
to Cars From Mars Auto Sales
(That's their real name. You
think I would make up that kind
of name? Who'd believe me?).
The lot was the size of a
MacDonalds bathroom, but they
had manage to pack in over six
thousand Urine Yellow '76 Pin-
tos. They had a phosphorescent
green Volkswagon Bug parked
in front to attract the more elite
clientele. In fact, their clientele
consisted of Eastern European
immigrants who spoke no English and were homesick for cars
that resembled Ladas, which
only ran on alternate Tuesdays.
Obviously they had trouble in
the past with people like me who
wouldn't talk to salesmen. They
surrounded the entire lot with
barbed wire, and put the only
entrance beside the office. Once
I was in, the salesman lept out of
the office and slammed the gate
shut, trapping me inside. Then,
and I am not joking about this
part, he loosed his Killer Attack
Pig to intimidate me. It was only
a foot high, but it must have been
an accomplished guard pig,
because not a single '76 Pinto
had been stolen in four years. In
fact, some mornings, the owner
would open the lot to find that
people had dropped off Pintos in
the night.
Right away, the salesman
(Vern) took me by the elbow to
show me his fine selection. We
looked at a few cars. I humoured
him, keeping one eye on the
Killer Attack Pig, which was
busy rolling in an oil slick. All
the while, the salesman called
me by my new name, Aaron Can
I Call You Aaron.
My method of dealing with
used-car salesmen has been used
by men over the past few hundred
years when they want to show
they Are In Control Of The Situation, despite the fact that they
think a Catalytic Converter is
some kind of Tibetan Monk: I
pretend I know what I am talking about.
Salesman  (Vern):   This  '78
Pinto has got 143,000 on it
but the lube-header's been
sitting in the torklegrinder.
Me: Yeah, that was my guess.
How much is it?
Vern: I can go with throwing in
the finklebinder options, but I
have to raise the price if you
want the no-torque guarantee. We're asking $2400, but
we're flexible.
Me: Hmmmmmm. How about
the ailerons? What kind of lift
do they have?
Vern: (pause) Did I say $2400?
Hah hah. I meant $16,000.
I ended up finally buying a car
from an auto auction. Unlike
used-car salesmen, auto auctioneers are not Agents of Satan.
They are Satan.
Auto Auctioneers understand
that once men get pumped full of
adrenalin, they will happily buy
anything, which explains Disco
music. Auctioneers talkvery fast;
you try to understand what
they're saying, but you can't. In
reality, they are using subliminal chants that trigger ancestral
memories of charging Wooly
Mammoths, and that gets the
adrenalin flowing just fine. At
that point, you will bid on Moldy
I did.
It didn't rain! I don't believe
it! For the first time in years it
was actually sunny at Day of the
Longboat! Congratulations to all
of you who took part in the biggest event of its kind in North
America. This year featured 64
more teams than ever before,
and for the first time ever, it ran
on time! However, this is behind
us and there's a huge event
coming up which you've just
gotta be a part of— the huge, the
colossal, Invade the Dome!
Invade the Dome is from Nov
18-22 and of course is held in
BC Place. Now of course that
week will include Hardley Cup
Soccer League Finals as well as
Field Hockey League Finals.
What I really want to publicize
is all the events which you - - the
happy-go-lucky, reader-of-the-
432 science student — might
like to go into (for those great
Intramural Science points!)
In-line Skating Extravaganza
Free Demos - Mon-Thurs, 6-
10 pm
Obstacle Race - Tues, Nov
19,7:30 pm
Cost: $3/person
Corec Volleyball Dome Invasion Tournament
Tues-Thurs, 6-11 pm
Table Tennis Tourney
Wed, Nov 20,6-1 lpm
Cost: $5/person
Reach For The Top Run
Cost: Free! (Drop-in)
Mountain Bike Ramp Climb
Tues, Nov 19,6:30 pm
Cost: $3/person
Mountain Bike Precision
Tues, Nov 19,8 pm
Cost: $6/person
Mountain Bike Corridor
Thurs, Nov 21
Cost: $6/person
Registration for these events
is from Oct 21-Nov 8. Phone
Intramurals at 228-6688 for
more information. So remember, science students, the Dome
will be ours during Invade the
Dome! 'Til next time!
Letters to the Editor should be
delivered to the SUS office at Chem
160, or burned for heat.
Pretentious Penises:
Thank goodness (I'm
not a creationist) for
"A Concerned Reader"
and his/her letter to
the 432 (Version 5.03,
October 23, 1991). I
no longer have to think
of some witty way of
introducing my ire over
the growing epidemic
of pseudojournalists
at UBC. Driven away
from the intolerable,
humourless, politically-correct Ubyssey,
UBC students turn inexorably to the 432
for salvation.
[After getting my
last article to the
432 cut from the starting lineup, I've decided to double my
cynicism this time. I
may just shoot myself
in the foot.] With
only 8 pages of the 432
every two weeks (1
page/42 hours), quality per area must be
preserved. I don't want
conceited pseudoin-
tellectuals to spend
half a page telling
their readers about
the lint they found in
their navel last week
(even though they made
sure  they  scrubbed
their "bits and
pieces"). Nor do I
want people to think
they can get any article printed in here
just because they can
use the words "fuck",
"penis", "ass", or
"shit" in a complete
sentence. Nor I want
people to think that
contributors to the
432 are all part of an
elitist, all-guys club.
Uh-uh. No way.
Writers, artists,
(editors), take a
humility pill. Remember, you're writing
for your readers, not
your overly inflated
ego. But I guess you
could argue I'd be
pretentious if I assumed anyone would actually follow my advice.
PS. No, Pat, I'm not
bitter. But hey, readers, a little supporting fan mail to Chem
160 could improve the
consistency of this
humble column! I might
even (shudder!) get a
caricature done of me !
(Okay, let's not get
greedy now.)
Charlie  Cho
How many activists does it
take to change a lightbulb?
Fourteen. One to hold the
bulb, and thirteen to get
impatient with the darkness
and set fire to the chair the
first one's standing on.
"/lH....MMn....i4£S/ 'safe ■hsa^-^ked' Version 5.04 • November5,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page   Five
Devan    Fauste
Rebuttubuttal to David Falks's Rebuttal
I will set the tone of my letter:
lam dismayedtheThe432 would
consider printing a debate between evolutionists and creationists, or anti-evolutionists such as
David Falk. I found no intellectual content at all. What we had
was pedantic name calling between one person who is defending science and one person
who is attacking it from flimsy
I have nothing to say about
the debate itself. On the one side,
we have a theory that is supported by phenomena, and, to
date, it is the best theory we
have. I make no claim to its
validity. All I can say is that for
the time being there is no other
theory that competes.
On the other side of thedebate
we have a person who argues
against the theory of evolution,
but offers no alternative, save
perhaps a divine hand coming
out of nowhere, to give a quick
fix. David Falk does not use
reason but rhetoric to promote
his arguments. In the end he pulls
up simple buzzwords, with no
comprehension of what jpoint he
is trying to make.
POINT ONE: David Falk
argues that evolution is not a
theory because no experimentation has justified the theory. Not
only is his argument false, but it
betrays a very narrow and uneducated view of a theory.
A theory is a logical argument
put forward to explain certain
phenomena, and predict further
phenomena. It is supported by
observed phenomena. None of
these observations have to be
verified in a laboratory for the
theory to be justified. If this were
true, we could not call anything
to do with astronomy or cosmology "theories." Using Falk's narrow view of a theory we must
claim that the notion thai; cardiac
arrest causes death in humans is
nothing more than a fancy postulate, for we have done no laboratory experiments to verify this
POINTTWO: Falkclaimsthat
certain scientists believe that
proteins and cells were formed
out of simultaneous collisions
of molecules. This claim
stretches the limitations of reason. Falk doesn't cite any names
Chris Sing	
or justification to his claim, but
instead acts as if it is a fact. I
have never read or heard or seen
a scientist make such a claim
aboutthe formation of cells. Any
scientist who has spent even a
few months studying biology
would tell you that the process
of cell formation is considerably
more complex than that.
POINT THREE: Fatt; cites
fossil gaps and redshift problems to discredit evolution. The
fact that there are fossil gaps
does not say that evolution is
impossible. It simply says that
our base of data on ourpastis not
complete. This is a fault not of
the theory. What evidence we do
have from the fossil records
indicates that evolution is at least
on the right track.
As for the redshift problem, I
have no idea what that ha:;: t o do
with evolution, nor am I even
sure what the redshift problem
is. The redshift is a phenomenon
observed in receding objects,
such as galaxies, or observed in
light coming from large masses
(due to gravity). I think that Falk
is justrelying on buzzwords that
he picked up from his Anti-Evolution Handbook.
This all reminds me of the
famous debate between Thomas
Huxley and the Bishop of Oxford on evolution. The Bisihop of
Oxford concluded his arguments
(which were composed of
slights, ridicules, and no logical
basis) with the remarks:, "Dr.
Huxley, from which side is it
that you are descended from a
monkey - your grandmother's
or your grandfather's?"
Huxley stood and simply said,
"I asserted, and I repeat, that a
man has no reason to be ashamed
of having an ape for his grandfather. If there were an ancestor
whom I should feel shame in
recalling it would be a man of
restless and versatile intellect
who, not content with sue cess in
his own sphere of activity,
plunges into scientific questions
with which he has no real acquaintance, only to obscure them
by aimless rhetoric and distract
the attention of his hearers from
the point at issue by digressions
and appeals to prejudice."
I believe that sums up David
Falk's arguments.
You've Just "Failed" Your Midterm?
Throughout the Ages, man has
quested to satisfy his unquenchable desire for knowledge. You,
in your magnificent journey
though science, traverse a multitude of dangerous circumstances
on this trek. Double Kudos to
you! You've already made it to
UBC, and maybe even through a
few years. Don't let the midterm
get you down, or even a final.
Remember, a failure on a midterm orevenafinaldoesn'tmean
the end of the world. (My friends
and I have tested this theory
extensively and we're still alive).
In these situations I like to think
of what Confucious said: "Our
greatest glory is not in never
falling, but in rising every time
we fall." Many great historical
figures have fallen under ill circumstances, but where would
we be if the Wright Brothers had
given up, orColumbus had sailed
forth a few miles and then decided to come back? Ask yourself these questions and remember, it's notoveruntil yonrNa-K
pumps stop pumping (ie, you're
biologically dead).
Boy, little speeches like that
make me want to just go
invade Iraq all over again.
Dik Miller,
Arts Faculty
What to do? What to do? It
was midterm time, and with
everyone off studying, very few
students were coming in for
advising. The last time I had
gone for a walk I had been accosted, knocked out, interrogated, truth serumed, and then
released without any explanation. That wasn't the sort of relaxation I was aiming for.
So I was sitting in my chair,
feet propped up on the desk,
winding the pull-cord of my
window blind around my index
finger and catching up on some
light reading: the 1961 edition
of Richard Soule's Dictionary
of English Synonyms and Synonymous Expressions. The
phone rang - or, I should say,
"Felicitous greetings," I said
as I picked it up. "Dik Miller,
Humanities Coursework Consultant."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Oh, sorry. Just caught up in
my book." I started again. "Hello.
Dik Miller, Arts Faculty Advisor."
"That's better. Mr. Miller, this
is Deepa Ranjan at the Personnel Office."
"So you're at the Human
Resources Bureau, then."
"Uh...I suppose it could be
put that way, yes."
I smiled. "Transcendent," I
"I meant to say 'excellent.'"
"Oh. In any case, Mr. Miller,
we've been checking over your
employment files here, and we
can't seem to find any of your
"What documents are those? "
"The ones you filled out when
you applied for work here."
"I don't recall completing any
certificates before commencing
There was a pause. "You
speak very strangely, Mr.
"I'm endeavouring to ameliorate my lexicon."
"You're trying to improve
your vocabulary?"
"Anyway, you said that you
hadn't filled out any forms?"
"Not that I can commemorate."
"Well, we need the forms for
tax purposes. I have your CV
here, and I can probably fill out
most of them using that, if you'll
come over and sign them later."
-\ f
Derek K.
"A righteous conception."
"Can I take that as a yes?"
"Please meet me here in fifteen minutes."
She hung up. I replaced the
dictionary on its shelf, stood up,
grabbed my trenchcoat and fedora, and made for the door.
Unfortunately, I had forgotten
to unwind the pull-cord from my
finger. I neglected to notice my
window blind racing open as I
strode broadly across the room,
and by the time I reached the
door the blind had opened completely. I was pulled to a rather
abrupt halt as my index finger
madeadisconcerting tchkrekthp!
"Ow," I said. "That hurt."
I unwound the cord and went
on my way.
Fifteen minutes later, with a
coffee and a doughnut in my
hands (there are some things an
ex-Campus Cowboy can never
shake), I walked up to the Personnel Department desk. I
checked in with the receptionist
andsatdown in the waitingroom.
Oh wow, I thought, / remember reading that issue of 'Field
& Stream' when I was ten years
old! I picked it up and admired
the highly out-of-date typography, brittle pages, and the ridiculous wardrobes of the models in the ads. Some of these
magazines would soon be of
archaeological value.
"Mr. Miller?" said Ranjan as
she walked towards me, hand
extended. "Nice to meet you."
We shook hands. I had forgotten my joy buzzer.
S he led me to her office, where
a myriad of multicoloured forms
was spread over her desk.
"So," she said, sitting down,
"let me just check that I have
everything right so far. Are you
still living on Walnut Street?"
"Uh, no. I never have. I live in
East Van."
"Where did you live before
Pacific Island by my ex-girlfriend and subsisted on nothing
but coconuts and Chicken
McNuggets that drifted on the
trade winds from the
McDonald's on the next island
chain. I lived there for about a
She lookedatme blankly. "So
you've never lived on Walnut
"I don'tevenknow where that
"It's down by the Planetarium," she replied.
"Anyway, let's check your full
name. How is the first name
"D-I-K. Dik."
"I mean your full first name."
"D-I-K. Dik."
"I have Dregswotham written
"What a stupid name!" I
"That's not your first name?"
"Certainly not. I would have
shot myself with a name like
"So you're not Dregswotham
St. Tibbins Greenaway
Rothschild Miller, former chief
advisor of Oxford University?"
"I've never even been to
"Then who are you?"
"I'm Dik Miller, ex-private
eye, ex-Campus Cowboy, ex-
PhysicaLPlant, ex-Food Services." I wiggled my eyebrow.
"At your service."
"You're not the person we
hired atall! How did you get into
the office?"
"The chief faculty advisor
gave me a key."
"You're an imposter! A fake!
"A deceiver, pretender, cheat,
rogue, humbug, trickster, knave,
quack, charlatan, mountebank,
fraud, dodge?"
"Yes, yes! All of that! I'm
reporting you right away!"
"For what?"
"For pretending to be someone you aren't and taking a job
you aren't qualified for!"
"Who says I'm notqualified?"
"How can you be? You've
never even taken a course, let
alone advised people on what
courses to take."
"I took a correspondence
course from Control Data Institute once."
"Thatdoesn'tcount," she said.
"So what's going to happen to
me now?"
"I expect you'll be fired."
I sighed. "Not again."
Stay tuned for the exciting,
nail-biting, incogitable, gormandizing, munificent conclusion in
the next issue of The 432/ Or
don't! I don't get paid for this
Dean of Admissions
with Dr. Carter
Nov. 5 at 12:30pm
Hebb Theatre
Medical Microbiology with Dr.
John Smith
Nov. 12 at 12:30pm
FNSC Bldg. rm 60 Page Six
Version 5.04 • Novembers, 1991
Law of T^TJRepealed
Amazing but true, kids; a concept once thought impossible is
now reality.
Oh well, okay... we were
For years, scientists have
toyed with the idea of a system
that gives off more energy than
is put into it. Until now, all previous efforts had been frustrated
by the law of physics which
forbids this. But, after countless
hours of research and observation, it has recently been discovered that such a system is not
only feasible, but has been naturally occurring right here under
out inquisitive little noses. So,
without any more ado, we present the formula in its entirety, as
recreated in the lab by Dr. Ferdinand Q. Noseputty, O.B.E.:
40 oz. ethanol
1 mole unstable XY polypart-
1 mole inert non-polar victimine
2 moles X Y-polypartyase cofac-
36 moles anhydrous feminist
Excess of opportunist protestyl
interferon-A clusters
5 moles administrative iron fis-
Put all above reagents into a
closed, pressure-proof vessel.
S^Wigourously to ensure even
tomcity throughout the solution.
Simmer at298Kelvinsand9337
atm pressure. Take cover behind
protective bunker, in case the lid
blows off. (has been known to
happen occasionally.)
The reaction mechanism is a
perpetual, complex process. The
X Y-polypartyase becomes saturated in ethanol, and as such is
promoted to an excited state. In
this state, it attempts to fuse with
the victimine. However, the two
compounds are immiscible because the victimine is non-polar; furthermore, because it is
also inert, the reaction proceeds
poorly or not at all. As a result,
the excited polypartyase binds
instead with the XY-polypart-
yase cofactors, and together they
produce several hundred molecules of an odorous compound
called activated pseudomisogy-
nate. This compound is very
volatile, and contact with the
anhydrous feminist irate produces a violent, explosive chain
(Keep your head well covered behind the bunker while
this is going on. Better yet, leave
town for a few days if you can.)
The burning feminist irate will
then assimilate the inert vi-
cimine, and produce 1,2-dip-
ropagandyl ubysseride (informally known as "the 01' One-
Two"). This activates the opportunist protestyl interferon-A
clusters, which surround the X Y-
polypartyase and prevent it from
returning to ground state, effec
tively neutralizing any O-sin-
cere apologase it manages to
The high pressure resulting
from this situation compels the
administrative iron fistate to put
the suspect XY-polypartyase
into suspension and thus remove
it from the system, in an excessive effort to restore equilibrium.
Ironically, this actually denatures
the polypartyase and it becomes
very acidic. The denaturation
makes the molecule very receptive to more ethanol, and the
cycle is spontaneously repeated.
Throughout the cycle, massive amounts of energy are given
off, mainly in the forms of heat
due to friction, superheated
steam andnegatively-charged vibrations. Only the ethanol must
be renewed to fuel the system.
So there you go, folks. Just
harness all that, and we've got
the whole world's energy problems licked, we said. However,
we must admit that all did not go
smoothly. The real problem with
the whole thing was that we
couldn't seem to get it to stop,
ethanol or not; it spiralled out of
control and overtook the whole
lab. (Poor Dr. Noseputty. He
went bravely into the inferno
four days ago, waving a white
flag. We haven't seen him since.)
Oh, well ... back to the ol'
drawin' board, I guess.
GOD, from p.1
to create a powerful energy
source. So in His "wisdom" He
created thermonuclear reactions.
Brilliant! He gets lots of light to
cover up His laziness, and we
get an easy way to blow ourselves off the planet at the push
of a button.
SoGodmadeaUniverse that's
mostly empty, but at least He did
a good job on what is here, right?
Wrong! Almost all matter is
made up of atoms, and an atom
is, you guessed it, mostly empty
space! You, this paper, Mount
Seymour, the jelly doughnuts in
Physsoc, even Roseanne Barr
are so filled with nothingness as
to scarcely even exist!
Of course, many will argue
that the beauty of the Universe is
found in the interplay of its
constituents. Are not the physical theories, they say, so elegant
as to suggest a brilliant and divine source? No, I reply. I've
studied physics and I know that
those who think it to be elegant
are the same people who think a
pocket protector is a fashion
statement. Physics is so messed
up as to suggest a divine incompetence, nothing more. For example, quantum theory leads to
uncertainty, a lack of determinism, and paradoxes of locality;
while relativity destroys common sense ideas of time and
space, and introduces such
glitches as black holes and singularities. Even in higher mathematics you come across numerous paradoxes, not to mention
Godel's Incompleteness Theorem which proves that math is
fundamentally screwed (no surprise).
Then there's symmetry.
Physicists love symmetry.
Whenever they find it they go
"Oooh! Aaaah! Symmetryll",
and damned near have an or-
McLe£to\rer: The Origin of Grimace Continues*..!
OCTOBER 1959, McDonald's
Secret Special Sauce Research
and Development Center. Hayseed Falls, 111.
"Oh my god...that version of
the compound wasn't going to
be fit for testing on DEAD animals for another six months..."
Suddenly aware of his superior's arrival, Will snapped out
of his stupor. "Oh, uh Dr.
Lamener. Say, uh, doesn't testing it on dead animals kind of
miss the point?"
"Shut up, you fool," the lav-
coated figure snapped angrily.
"We have to get him out of there.
We have no idea what's going to
happen. This could be a valuable source of data..."
The workmen looked at each
other in confusion as Lamener
stalked toward the emergency
control panel on a nearby wall.
Lamener jerked open a steel
panel and began to work the
controls inside.
"Dr. Lamener, you can'tblow
the vat! You'llkillusall!" Frank
exclaimed in terror.
Lamener turned only slightly
in response. With bored annoy
ance, he snarled in reply: "No I
won't, you fool. That'sjustwhat
we tell the hired help to keep
them from trying it. Can you
imagine the mess we'd have to
clean up if you morons blew the
vat every time you felt like it?
Now stand aside!"
Put out by Lamener's inept
attempts to exercise his authority, Frank flipped the scientist
the finger behind his back. Will
stood by awkwardly, wondering
where exactly to stand aside, as
they were nowhere near Lamener
or the vat.
Lamener's meaty fingers
punched a combination into the
keypad on the control panel. He
wiped sweat from his brow on
his stained sleeve, and ran his
hand through his greasy, thinning hair as he pulled the lever
labelled "Emergency Dump...Do
Not Pull, Ever".
As the lever came down, new
sirens began to wail. A horrible,
unearthly gurgle passed through
the plant as the thick, goopy,
yellowish substance in the vat,
looking for all the world like the
Thousand Island salad dressing
served in the cafeterias of Hell,
began to drain.
Lamener stared intensely at
the indicators and guages on the
panel. Finally, he turned to the
workmen. "That's it. Now...go
retrieve Phlegmasteen."
"Who? Us?!!"
"Yes, you! Do it, while we
still have time. There's no telling what could have happened
to him in there. We can't lose
this chance to gain information
about the compound. Phlegmasteen has faced the unknown, gone
where no one has gone before,
crossed over to the other side,
entered the realm of..."
As Lamener continued spewing his cliches, always staring
frantically into the distance, Will
and Frank turned and headed for
the ladders leading to the lower
level. They vanished from
view—no sign of them left except the clank of their booted
feet on the ladder rungs.
Lamener fidgeted nervously,
waiting. Suddenly, a horrifying
shriek erupted from the floor
below. In the distance, Lamener
saw the workers fleeing through
an emergency escape hatch.
"Fools! I knew we shouldn't
have hired union," Lamener
snarled in anger. Enraged by the
ineptitude of his employees, but
eager with anticipation of the
new knowledge of the compound's effects that must surely
lie in the vat, he mounted the
ladder. He descended into the
vat, only marginally aware of
the sign marked: "Experimental
Sauce Compound LX3390D—
Do Not Expose to Livinp Materials—No Employees admitted".
"Idiots. What were they running from?" Lamener mused to
himself as he stepped off the last
rung. Carefully manuvering
around a few isolated pools of
goopy residue, he jerked to a
halt. "Oh dear god, what the..."
Partially obscured by the ever-
present shadows and the lingering mist, a large shambling figure spoke. "Duhh, Lamener,
nice of you to come." Although
trying to sound casual, the voice
was distorted and dulled, nearly
crushed beneath some great,
unspeakable agony...
gasm. Symmetry is everywhere,
in time and in space, and it's
supposed to be beautiful and elegant, but then pocket protectors
have symmetry. Can you imagine how the Mona Lisa would
have looked if Leonardo had used,
say, four-fold symmetry? It would
resemble one of those really hideous patterned floor tiles, the kind
you find in overdecorated Neo-
fascist bathrooms. You know, the
ones that make you a lot less
caring as to whether or not you
actually hit the toilet. That's
symmetry, and God used lots of
it. Chaos theory tells us that there
are even symmetries of scale —
objects whose fine scale details
are exactly the same pattern as
their large scale details. I can just
imagine God designing the Universe on his Macintosh (you've
got to figure God uses a Mac),
finding something He likes,
double-clicking on it, copying it,
rotating it, shrinking it, and pasting it over and over and over
There is one more clue that the
Universe was thrown together in
a rush. Normal people can perceive four dimensions — three
spatial, plus time. Most physicists, however, agree that there
may be a half-dozen or more
dimensions that we can'tperceive
because they are all "curled up".
Obviously, God had planned to
give us more dimensions, but
never got around to it. What a
ripoff! We could have been living in a really neat seventeen-di-
mensional universe. Instead,
we're stuck in this one, forced to
go "Wow, isn't that amazing?"
whenever we watch a David
Suzuki nature show.
Thus I have shown that we live
in a poorly made, ill-conceived,
almost empty and largely unfinished Universe. Next issue, I'll
talk about Life and more of God's
biggest mistakes.
3156 West Broadway,
TELEPHONE: 732-3023 / 731 -83 !4
Five Minutes From The UBC Gates
(RAIN OR SHINE) Version 5.04 • Novembers, 1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page Seven
Charlie Cho
Refuse To Ete A Number!
Do you remember your first
year on campus? Not running
into anyone you knew for weeks?
Feeling like an insignificant
frosh in a society that didn't care
if you showed up for class or
not? (Gee, it seems like just a
month and a half ago for me.)
Well, feeling especially sentimental, I cracked open my Grad
high school yearbook and came
across this note: "Stay you, refuse to be a number (somehow I
can' t see you ever surendering)"
[sic]. Considering UBC's immense size and the tens of thousands of students, profs, and staff
wandering around, it would seem
quite difficult not to slip into the
brick background, becoming
nothing more than the number
on your Library / AMS card.
Like high school, however, university is much, much more, than
just going to lectures, labs, and
tutorials and doing your homework on time.  So, in order to
enjoy yourself at UBC without
becoming "jaded", try the Top 5
Ways to Prevent Yourself From
Becoming a Number.
5. Live on campus. As soon as
you can, get yourself a room
in a residence. It's great for
meeting new people. For example, if you live at Totem
Park, you will no longer be a
number to at least sixty people.
You also have the chanee to
become  familiar  with  the
campus' "after hours" facilities (ie. Sub Films and the; Pit,
I suppose).
4. Talk to people in your class.
Hey, if you're going to suffer,
why not suffer in company?
Introduce yourself, sit with
them regularly, and help each
other decipher the prof's illegible scrawl. Get together
to do homework and cram for
Ari Giligson
Science and Not Science
Don't go confusing science
with faith. Comparing a scientific theory or hypothesis to a
belief or faith is like comparing
apples to phonetic poetry.
What is a scientific idea or
hypothesis? Well, we were are
told in high school that one
develops a theory after formulating, testing and analyzing a
hypothesis. After all that, one
comes to a conclusion (at least
that's what we're supposed to
do in the Lab Report). This isa
very definitive description.
Unfortunately (or fortunately,
depending on whether you're a
physical scientist or a psychologist), this approach only defines
"science" in terms of deductive
thought. That is, if we know a
general law (or hypothesis) we
should be able to apply it to any
specific case (predictability with
total accuracy). So if I were a
physicist and could mathematically show that "Force equals
Mass times Acceleration," reasoning from previous knowledge, then that becomes my
general law and for any case that
we test: F = m«a.
But now, let's say that I'm a
biologist. I can't very well go
deriving natural laws for say,
animal behavior, from first principles. Instead I must use mduc-
ttve logtc, reasoning from the
specific case to generate a general "law." Therefore, if in every
case that anyone has observed,
swans always make "bleep
bleep" noises when you feed
them Mars™ bars, then we assume that in general behavior
will be followed in all swans that
will ever be observed. I can't
"prove" anything—at all—in a
deductive sense; lean only show
my evidence from first hand
observation and make a prediction based on experience.
Well, you may say, this biological argument would seem
no different than a religious
argument in which one simply
gives published evidence to
"prove" the existence of this or
that entity and predictions about
the future. One possible answer
to this is that in a scientific argument, one must have reproducibility by any researcher. This is
the central feature only where
there is good agreement between
researchers; but, in relatively
new areas of study there are often
con flicting records of reproducibility.
The one distinguishing element of Scientific Thought, the
one that unites the deduct! ve and
inductive approaches, is dis-
provability. Any scientific: hypothesis can be disproves if
conflicting observations or conclusions can be shown to exist.
Any truly scientific hypothesis
or theory has this Achilles' Heel
which distinguishes it from any
system of beliefs. In fact, "progress" (as we mean it in the scientific sense) often occurs when
new findings become available
that totally overturn previously
held ideas, or paradigms.
Okay, now what about belief
or faith? Now, assume that there
is no system of beliefs without
someone to believe in it. A reasonable assumption, since it
seems everyone has; their own
unique slant on whichever system they have accepted. Can a
belief be disproven? No. It is
impossible to disprove something that one believes solely on
the basis of faith. Don't ask me
why; rather, pick on a friend of
yours who believes in God. Ask
of them: "what event, in your
mind, would disprove the existence of God?" My assertion is
that if they actually have faith in
the reality of this entity, then
there is nothing which will shake
their belief. This, as opposed to
some truth which we say "we
believe" but that we have actually demonstrated in a scientific
manner. For example, most
people "believe" that the: sun
will rise every morning but if
just morning it didn't, I think
they would change their perceptions necessarily.
Of course in real life nothing
is so clear cut. But I think the
law holds: If it ain't disprov-
able, it ain't science.
tests, etc. Or skip classes
together and synchronize failing.
3. Join a club. UBC is actually
an acronym for U Better join
aClub. Withother200clubs,
you'd have to be kinda silly
not to consider joining one of
them. UBC's crawling with
them, so track down the one(s)
you like. (Actually, you
should have checked them out
during Clubs Days. Oh well.
Go for it anyways.)
2. Write, draw, take pictures,
or whatever for one of the
many on-campus publications. (See your Inside UBC
for the long list of them.) The
advantage of this is that you
can gain infinitely famous
status (depending on the distribution / popularity of your
articles /publication) and still
listen to people talk about you.
"Yeah, that Aaron Drake guy.
I keep thinking that he looks
like Howard the Duck. What
a dweeb." "Quack!" Splat!
Now, I'd go on a spiel about
the utter uselessness of contributing to a bi-weekly newspaper with a blunt, explicit
political agenda and censors
out its letters for anything
considered Politically Incorrect like the Ubyssey, which
is only good for cluttering up
hallways and soaking up mud
puddles, but I'm sure you already knew about that.
1. Vandalize the Engineer's
Cairn. (You didn'tread that.)
WARNING: This is a totally
illegal and immoral act, but
enough people do it to make it
seem it okay. I don't know
about you but, to me, it looks
just like a canvas waiting to
be used. Those pre-carved
E's are nifty for other letters
too, like "F"orestry,
"S"cience, "A"rts, or
"Charlie Cho. It is immature
and sinks you down to the
level of a red-jacketed engineer, but people just can't
ignore it.
This brief list is, of course,
only a guideline. To gain further
non-integral status, you have to
decide for yourself how to assert
yourself on society. (For information on what happens to frustrated digits, rent "Pump Up The
Volume" or "Heathers" in which
the irrational teens decide to off
themselves.) Ultimately, it's up
to you. Just don't compromise
for the sake of conformity. To
quote Sting (nee Gordon
Sumner), "I don't ever want to
play the part of a statistic on a
government chart."
Charlie's article would have appeared in the last issue, but we
neeeded the space to present
"Senseless Pet Killings."
Sorry, Charlie.
Clement Fung
The Faculty of Science met on
Tuesday 29 October 1991:
L Science undergraduate en-
rolementhas reached a record of
4469 students this I99l#2 session (up from 4194 students last
1990/91 session). The question,
remains of how access money
and resources will be able to
keep up with such increases,
2. A motion, 'That effective for
the 1992 admissions cycle, a
standing of C+ or better in
Mathentatics 12 (or equivalent)
be required for admission to the
Faculty olSeience directly from
secondary school,*' was passed
by the Faculty, This motion is to
be forwarded to Senate for final
3, It was recommended that,
"the criterion for admission of
students into first year in the
Faculty of Science directly from
secondary schoolbe based upon
Engli$lil2, Mathematics 12>one
Science 12 and a fourth Grade
12 Academic snbjeet other than
Mamea«atic«.Admis$ion to the
faculty of Science will continue
lorequiresix Grade 11 subjects:
English ll.SoctalStudiesI 1 {or
Science Human 11>, Mathematics 11, French II or another
approved language 11, Chemistry 11 and Physics 11. These
courses will not fee included in
the calculation of the Admission
GPA. .,'* (new admission criterion to be implemented for the
1995 admissions eyefe and be
evaluated for its effectiveness
three years after impleraentaoon)
Mug Shots.
Mike Hamilton
AMS Briefs
Program lirWolf;
{Here's a trojan horse that will slow a}
{computer down considerably. There are a}
{number of publical ly available IBfls around!
{campus that you can slow to a crawl, }
{Compile this baby with Turbo Pascal and)
{put it in the root directory then put MrWolf}
{as a command in AUTOEXEC.BAT. Have fun.}
{$h 1024,0,5120}
Crt, Dos;
Pig = 15000; {As In "slow as a,„" Hake it}
{big for an even slower computer}
Procedure Crawl (Flags, CS, IP, A%( BJC, CX,
DX, SI, Dl, DS, ES, BP : word),
k : word;
for k :- 1 to Pig do {waft}
SetfntVec C$1C,@Crawl);
keep (0);
end. Page Eight
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.04 • Novembers, 1991
t. >■"'
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in navv or white : marked down to $22.00
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Only:   S4.1HU
For more Informs lion o«U:
Dining • Movies • Thealre
Sports • Hotels • Travel and mom.
S.U.S.   &  MuchMusic
THESo Much For
Science Dance
FRIDAY, November 15th • 8:00 pm • SUB Ballroom
Tickets only $5.00 from Chem 160
or the SUB Box Office
abuck a b
2 pryzyz • last chance to party before finals • a buck a


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