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The 432 Sep 5, 1995

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Array Is it legible? No? Well, it's good enough, print it!
Words often overheard at The 432
99
Volume 9 Number 1
5 September 1995
French Invade
Greenpeace!
W/7/ no one rid me off those troublesome activists?'ays Chirac
Kilgore Trout
Roving Correspondent
VANCOUVER (CP)
In a surprise announcement yesterday, French president Jacques
Chirac announced that the
French nuclear tests scheduled for
this fall has been moved from the
SOuth Pacific to the head office of
Greenpeace Canada, located in
Vancouver, BC.
"Let no one say France is not a
progressive nation. We listen to the
concerns of the international community and will always act in a
spirit of world unity," said Chirac
from his Paris offices.
Many critics view the move as
largely symbolic of France's frustration with Greenpeace, one of the
world's largest and most vocal environmentalist organizations.
Greenpeace has been in opposition
to the tests since they were first
announced, prepared to take any
action to prevent the megaton blast
from destroying the delicate ecosystem of the South    	
Pacific.
Chirac appeared
unconcerned
about the opposition, saying that
a certain amount of protest is to be
expected of any governmental decision. Questioned on his motives for
moving the test, the French president said that there were a number
of reasons.
"First of all, we're hoping to kill
two birds with one stone, so to
speak. Not only will we get to con-
C 'est la guerre, mon ami!
99
duct our tests, which we consider
essential to French security, but
we're expecting it to help us avoid a
lot of negative publicity for future
tests."
Political analysts are predicting a
slight rise in the
—  French government's international popularity,
pointing out that
the move may
win the support
ber of significant criticisms of the
choice of location, primarily, that it
is located in the middle of a major
city. French officials have been
downplaying these concerns, claiming it's just a case of "not in my
back yard syndrome." Chirac
admitted that he did "feel a little
bit sori^to^e^ple^wh^eJiome&
will be wrecked," but added that his
government is planning to provide
free rail service in order to evacuate
citizens whose homes lie within the
area of the blast.
In a phone interview yesterday
afternoon, an anonymous
Greenpeace representative
expressed mixed feelings about the
test.
French Nuclear Testing
of many companies known for
their dislike of Greenpeace. Since
the announcement was made,
Exxon, the Oslo Whaling Inc., and
The Kenyan Big Game Hunters'
Union have expressed support for
not only the location, but the test
itself.
There have, however, been a num-   eon*ln«e«l on page three
Marketing
Rights Sold!
Gord van McOlundsky
Radioactive dating.
Roving Correspondent
VANCOUVER (Reuters)
Following the trend set earlier
this year by the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police, the
UBC Parking and Security Services
(PASS) today announced the sale of
their marketing rights to Bob's
FunHouse of Mission, BC.
"We're just sick and tired of seeing
second rate images of our officers
spread all over the place," said Jack
Thompson of Parking and Security,
"it was just getting out of hand."
By selling the exclusive marketing
rights to Bob's FunHouse, Parking
and Security hopes to crack down
on the black market use of their distinct images.
"It had gotten to the point that
you couldn't go into a single downtown bar during business hours
without recognizing one of our officers," said Thompson.
Parking and Security estimates
nearly $200,000 is lost annually in
black market sales of the wildly successful Campus Cowboy™ action
figure line. At least 2/3 of that
amount is directly linked to the
sales of the Cycle Cowboy™ line,
depicting older, slightly overweight
law enforcement officers sitting on
tiny mountain bike seats.
"It's a hit with the kiddies," claims
Jacques LeBlanc, the agent responsible for marketing the Cycle
Cowboy™ line to local discount
shopping centers.
"All you need to do is to put up a
Cowboys Marketing Rights Soldi
continued on page three Volume 9 Number 1
5 September 1995
Editor
Blair McDonald
Assistant Editors
Jay Garcia, Matt Wiggin
Published by    	
Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC ♦ Chemistry B160 '822-4235
Printers 	
College Printers of Vancouver BC
Contributors
Jay Garcia, Blair McDonald, Ken
Satake, Matt Wiggin
The 432 is the official publication of
the Science Undergraduate Society
The opinions expressed herein are
those of the individual writers
Unsolicited articles and cartoons
eagerily accepted. Articles should
be no longer than 800 words in
length, be spell checked and submitted in both electronic and paper
copies. IBM or Mac acceptable.
Articles should not, under any circumstances contain actual news.
Satire, opinions or outright lies preferred.
All rights reserved 77ie 432 1995.
PACK TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
5 SEPT 1995
First inning... warp one!
Blair
MCDONALD
f{ Hi, this is Howard Cosell, the
new voice of UBC Science.
We're about to kick off the
1995 season with a home game
here in the basement of the
Chemistry Building.
"...just as soon as the starting
lineup for The 432 takes the field.
And they're coming out of the
dressing room now... here we go!
"Starting at first base, Matt
Wiggin! Liiiiike the new hairstyle,
Wiggin! With all that hair on top
gone, expect to see Wiggin's steal
percentage go waaay up. Wiggin
hits both left and right, so we'll
be seeing a lot of Wiggin
throughout the year.
"At second base, it's Jay Garcia.
Garcia's always been a steady
player, even during his minor
league duties. It looks like the
management'sdecided to give
Garcia the critical second base
position on a full time basis.
"Covering the left field, way left
field and way, way out there, past
the fence left field is John Hallett.
Hallett's always been a bit on the
strange side, so here's hoping the
extended break's settled him
down a bit. You can expect irrat-
ic, but often brilliant play from
Hallett.
"Finally, we see McDonald taking his customary position out on
the mound. He's there for the second straight year, arid there's
some doubts about his
endurance, but he took most of
the summer off, so we're hoping
his arm will last through the season.
"That's the main starting line up
of the 1995 team. It's yet to be
seen how well they do. After all,
they lost most of their big hitters
oyer the summer. McCuaig's
being transferred to the team in
Calgary. Kennedy's still injured
and may be able to only play a
few games. And of course, they
lost Watts, batting at an amazing
.768 to the team at UVic.
"But the prospects from the farm
team look promising, arid it looks
like most of the critical spots can
be covered. -A few big trades may
be in the future, but this team has
everything they need to take the
pennant.
"Besides, it's not like there's a lot
of competition in the UBC
League. Now back to the control
booth for these messages..."
I don't know about you, but for
the first time, I'm actually looking forward to classes.
It's probably 'cause for the first
time in the last three years, I
don't have to take first year math.
You've heard the story time and
again, failed it four times, blah
blah blah. But I finally passed it,
albeit with a 50%. But I'll happily
take the 50% and run... straight
to BIOL 300 (Biometrics).
Sigh. Will this mathematics
thing ever end?
But enough about that #%&*@
course, and back to me enjoying
school.
It's been a curious evolution over
the last four months, f guess
something just snapped (the elastic band driving my brain, no
doubt) and suddenly I cared
about what I was doing.
This had several visible effects. I
started watching A&E, TLC and
the Discovery Channel. "Time
well spent" indeed, there's actually a lot of really interesting shows
on zoology, ecology, evolution
and the like. So far, I've learned
about dung beetles in Africa and
seals in Antarctica.
I'm actually interested when
Desmond Morris talks about
human evolution. I guess there's
a first time for everything.
My reading habits have also
changed. Instead of working
through the exploits of Capt.
Jean-Luc Picard and his valiant
crew, I'm now chugging through
Richard Dawkins' "The Blind
Watchmaker". By chugging, that's
exactly what I mean.
Evolutionary theory isn't exactly
something you can just skim
through. After all, you can pretty
much predict what happens in a
Star Trek novel. Here's the generic
framework that's standard issue
for all Star Trek writers:
Scene 1: Crew is travelling along,
minding their own business,
when suddenly...
Scene 2: ... crew discovers new
species, artifact, planet, astronomical body, hazard to navigation (pick one). Crew is completely caught off guard. In original
Star Trek, this is where the unsuspecting Security ensign buys the
farm.
Scene 3: Crew investigates, to no
avail.
Scene 4: Crew invents some new
radical procedure, instrument or
varies existing procedure or
instrument in an unexpected
way.
Alternate Scene 4: Kirk seduces
female leader.
Scene 5: Crew is saved, life
returns to normal. End of book.
Star Trek in a nutshell. You certainly can't compare it to
Shakespeare.
Anyways, I've more or less lost
the thread of this story. Time to
go home.
See ya next issue.
1995 Production Schedule
Issue 2 • Wednesday, Sept 13 • Thursday, Sept 21
Issue 3 • Wednesday, Sept 2  • Thursday, Oct 5
SANITY BREAK
Issue 4 • Wednesday, Oct 18  • Thursday, Oct 27
Issue 5 • Wednesday, Nov 1    • Thursday, Nov 9
Issue 6 • Wednesday, Nov 15 • Thursday, Nov 24
(first datt Is copy dtadltm, s«cond is wh«n it'll hit Hn stands) 5 SEPT 1995
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGETHREE
Ask Tommy.
Cowboys Marketing Rights Soldi
Dear Tommy Science,
Could you please help me? I
have a small problem.
I seem to have a small black hole
in my bathroom between the
shower stall and the sink. It's
already consumed the toilet,
shower curtain, all the toilet
paper and the $105 textbook I
threw at it. It's also causing gale
force winds in my apartment as it
sucks out all the air. Can you help
me?
StanKusinsky
Dear Stan
As black holes of a size small
enough to fit in your bathroom
are highly unstable and normally
explode after a few seconds, what
you probably have is a miniature
neutron star, which has considerably less mass.
First off, stop throwing things at
it, as you're likely to annoy your
neutron star. Pissing off a neutron
star is not a good thing to do.
Try to see the silver lining in this
one, Stan. You can always move
and sublet your apartment to the
Astronomy Department. I bet
they'd pay good money to be able
study this phenomenon up close.
Thanks for writing.
•
Dear Tommy Science,
Why does the smoke from a
campfire always follow me, no
matter which side of the fire I go
to? I can't get away from it! Make
it stop! Make it stop!
P. Sheridan
Dear P.,
All smoke, whether from a
campfire or a cigarette will be
attracted to the person who most
hates it. This "magnetism" can
only be detected using sensitive
medical equipment, so I suggest
seeing your doctor about this
immediately.
Just tell your doctor what you
told me, and I'm sure you'll find
yourself in a completely smoke
free environment shortly.
Thanks for writing.
Dear Tommy Science,
I've noticed that 432 (your
paper's name) plus 234 (the
inverse of your paper's name)
equals 666! I've determined that
you are being controlled by
Agents of the Anti-Christ, and am
writing Jimmy Baker to see if he
can arrange for an exorcism the
next time he's in town.
Mrs. Agnes Jones
Dear Agnes,
Your concern is completely misplaced. None of the people here
at the paper are Agents of the
Anti Christ, we're just normal
people just like you.
I can't help but wonder where
this fear of Science has come
from. I thought this problem was
overcome in the early eighteenth
century.
By the way, if you happen to
notice any headless chickens stapled to your door, don't worry
about it. It's just a scientific
experiment being conducted in
your area.
Gnitirw rof sknaht.
continued from page one
great big poster saying 'Power Rangers', and boy, do those suckers, I
mem children come running. I'm hoping to have the BlueBus™ out
sometime in late November"
Bob of Bob's FunHouse explains his choice to bid on the marketing
contract:
"It was the chance of a lifetime, man! It's not everyday you get to buy
the exclusive marketing rights of the Dallas Cowboys. And such a low
price, man! Only $1000 down and 35% of the gross profits! I'm gonna
make posters! I'm gonna get celebrity football games here at my
FunHouse! I'm gonna host the Super Bowl party, man! I can't believe
my luck, man!"
Parking and Security was questioned about the apparent miscommu-
nication.
"Huh? Dallas Cowboys... are you sure? I could have sworn I wrote
"Campus" Cowboys on the contract. Must have been a typo or something."
French Nuclear Tests ■	
continued from page one
"Well, naturally we're disappointed about losing our office; I mean
you just get everything the way you want it, right down'to a self sustaining aquarium with extensive biodiversity in the lobby, and something like this happens. Naturally, we want to prevent the bombing,
especially since that would drive our insurance premiums through the
roof! A lot of us do have martyr complexes, however, and we're pretty
sure that something like this would make headlines everywhere, so
there's at least a silver lining."
Greenpeace protests are planned at French embassies all over the
world, and there is talk of a plan to chain activists to the warhead
itself, although it is unlikely that it will make any difference, given the
French position.
A source close to the French President released a confidential memo
from Chirac to his military aide, characterizing the "collateral damage" from a nuclear detonation in the Vancouver area as "the price of
war."
The memo also leaked the plan for setting the bomb.
"We'll send in the secret service agents while the entire crew is off on
shore leave, I mean lunch break," wrote Chirac, "Just like last time."
Also joining Greenpeace in the fight against the tests Ifr the BC
Provincial Government. Mike Harcourt warned that detonation of a
nuclear warhead within his country would "might do irreparable damage to relations between France and British Columbia."
Premier Jacques Parizeau of Quebec, still smarting unified opposition
to the Quebec position at the recent Premier's Conference was swift to
denounce Harcourt's statement as "another example of English
Canada ganging up on Quebec"
Most analysts agree the two premiers' comments have nothing to do
with the issue at hand.
(Weo) fZ-30 - 3,'30
6&W&N CH£M &
AMGVS ACROSS FROM
TRetCKfRS
WBt/RGSRSi HOTDOGSf Ano
MM, MOH MO Rtf
4
SpwswtdBy PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
5 SEPT 1995
A typical day
First year.
There's nearly 8000 new students at UBC this year. Most of you frosh
have no idea what to expect. You just don't know. Accept that and
move on.
So, we'd like to give you a quick idea of the typical frosh day. You can
expect these habits to last, oh, about three weeks. After that, you'll
have the optimism and keenness beaten out of you by the system, and
you'll be ready to start learning the really critical lessons of life.
Here's a quick checklist for you, just to make sure you've got everyr
thing you need.
Last year.
There's lots of almost graduating students out there. Some for the
fourth year, many for the fifth, and a few complete morons still trying
to get that all important 3 credits of electives out of the way.
You already know what to expect, having had all your optimism beaten out of you long ago. The system has ground you down and spit you
out, and you go from place to place just looking for a bit of enjoyment
to make the day worthwhile.
Keep looking. It ain't gonna be any better once you're gone.
□ 5x 2 inch binder full of looseleaf paper
□ lunch prepared by Mom
P super clicker pen (now with brown ink!)
□ all your textbooks
□ campus map and list of courses
□ money
□ a determination to get A's
□ a few pieces of looseleaf paper in your pocket
□ No solid food, just coffee
□ beat up blue pen that may or may not crap out halfway through
class
□ you didn't bother buying any textbooks
□ cell phone to call Telereg to find out what your courses are
□	
□ a determination to pass and get the hell out
Wake up. Check clock. 6:45 am.
Am I nervous?
YES
NO
Spring out of bed. Dress, eat
breakfast etc.
I
if s only September 4th
Arrive for class at least 20 minutes early.
Sit in front Talk to neighbours?
YES
NO
Discuss school
I
Pretend to be very busy writing
your name.
X
Class begins. Write every word
your prof says in your notes.
Head straight to library to work
on optional readings after class
ends.
I
Library closes at 11 pm. Head
straight home to get a good
nighfs sleep.
Wake up. Check clock. 8:20 am.
i       ~
Ami hung over?
i	
NO
Drag ass out of bed. Dress, think
about breakfast, run for bus.
I
I
YES ,
1
It's already September 6th
Arrive for class at least 20 minutes late.
Sit in very back. Talk to neighbours?
YES
NO
Discuss summer.
Go back to sleep.
» 	
Class begins. Write every fifth
word your prof says in your
notes.
Off to Bookstore to buy texts..
nah... off to Pit for a beer or
three.
I
Pit closes at 1 am. Stagger
straight home to get a few hours
of sleep. 5 SEPT 1995
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
The Evolution
of Bias.
Blair McDonald
Desperate for more columnists.
WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS SOME SERIOUS MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR SOME MEMBERS OF
OUR AUDIENCE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
I am not a politically correct
person. Everything I say can
easily be placed on a simple
scale of one to ten for humour
value. This humour scale is also
the inverse of my sensitivity scale
- what seems a 10 for humour to
me is Often perceived as a 0 on
the sensitivity scale by others. As
a result I tend to stumble through
such hot PC issues as human
rights, religious freedom, envi-
ronmentalism and the like.
I'm supportive of human rights -
it seems self-evident that people
all around the world are entitled
. to the same rights. What those
rights are is another question I
won't dwell upon except to mention in passing that it would
mightily ethnocentric to assume
the American version is the standard that should be applied globally.
I'm less supportive of those people who extend "human rights"
to those of animals and plants -
especially people who condemn
scientists using live animals for
medical research. Don't take that
to mean that I enjoy learning
how many animals die each year
to further our knowledge of the
universe. In an ideal world, animals could live free, etcetera,
etcetera. This is not an ideal
world, and I believe the gains
from such studies far outweigh
the costs.
But I am digressing from my
point. Let's just assume that society accepts the use of animals in
scientific experiments but insists
that all people are entitled to the
same rights no matter where they
live.
Now I'm going to share with you
a scenario from Richard Dawkins,
currently my favourite author.
What would happen if we discovered a "human-like" animal
on an isolated South Pacific
island? It's obviously not human*
but not ape either. Maybe it's a
living example of homo erectus -
maybe an unknown missing link.
Or maybe it's just a "super
chimp." After all, we share 99%
of our genes with chimpanzees.
The discovery of such a creature,
besides being an evolutionist's
dream, would put the entire
human rights movement on its
ear.
"Votes for chimps" is how
Dawkins summarizes it. Would
this newly discovered species be
entitled to all the rights you and I
enjoy. Or would the new species
be considered "animal" and
therefore suitable for research?
Or would we, in Dawkins' words,
set up "an elaborate apartheid
system of discriminatory laws,
with courts deciding whether particular individuals were 'legally'
chimps or 'legally' humans?"
The basic truth is that each and
every one of us, in one way or
another is a bigot. Webster's
Ninth Collegiate defines a bigot
as "one obstinately or intolerantly devoted to one's own principles"
We're pretty dedicated to the
idea that our species is better
than all the others. That 1% difference in our genetic code makes
all the difference in the world.
You might have gotten the
impression from this article that
I'm against animal testing, zoos,
and keeping household pets. I'm
not. I support the humane use of
animals in medical experiments
mainly because I'd rather some
rat died than my best friend just
because doctors couldn't test the
latest cancer treatment properly. I
rather enjoy going to the zoo,
although I prefer to see animals
in their natural environment.
And if it wasn't for the fact I'm
living in residence, I'd own a
great big German shepard.
I guess I've stumbled far enough
through this issue to offend
enough people. It's just comforting to think that everyone's
"politically incorrect", if only a
little.
ed. Why did I write this article?
Partly because I wanted to see if I
could, partly because I'm a fourth
year ecology student with a serious
interest in evolution.
However, the main reason why is
that I had space to fill, and no one
to fill it. The rest of the SUS Exec are
off doing god knows what, most of
my old columnists have scattered to
the four winds and it's only twelve
hours'till press time.
Take pity on me! Write something
for the next issue! Or I'll force you to
endure another one of my "serious"
articles; You've been warned.
Hmm... blah, blah, blah, gotta fill
up this tiny bit of space with something. Just sitting here, typing random thoughts into the computer.
Hahahah. More random thoughts.
Am I done yet, can I go home.
Well} Fve just about filled this
lousy little space, wait, get away
ftomjmat computer -Matt here. You
know what Blair ideally hates? Those
people who hide the last piece of the
puzzle just so they can be the one to
finish it. Boy will he be pissed when
he wakes up!
WRITERS NEEDED
Do you write like this?
c^qfsn not fox whom the, bsLL tolli..
JJt tolls rot tn£&.
Or like this?
Their goes my knew, dog down
the block.
Its out off sight now,
Well take you
anyways.
New colurbnists meeting:
Wednesday September 15
Meet Matt Wiggin - star of The 4321 Matt will be signing
autographs ana table dancing, from 4:30 to 5:30. See Jay
Garcia run naked... no, let's not do that
Genuine interest: Seriously; bring any ideas or articles, sit down
with the people stuck doing this *&A% paper now and find out all
about The 432 and how you can get: involved.
Plantive begging: Even if you don't think you could write your own
name properly, let alone an article, show up anyways. Please come.
Please?
Bribery: Refreshments may be available.
Threats: Anyone who's interested but skips the meeting anyways will
be hunted down and shot. Twice.
4:30 in tHEM B1
If you're a Science club, this blatant
filler could be a free ad from your
club to the students of UBC! PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
5 SEPT 1995
How I (mis)Spent My
Summer Vacation.
tSSrVfy I Jay
' ' GARCIA
It was all going so well. It was
a warm, clear Saturday night.
My last exam had come and
gone, and, amazingly, I hadn't
been reduced to gibbering insanity.
My friends and I had decided to
hold a poker game to celebrate
the start of the summer. So there
I was, facing down one of my best
friends across a huge pile of
chips. The game was Seven-toed
Pete (of which, the less said, the
better) and, as things progressed,
I found myself feeding insane
amounts of chips into the pot. As
the last cards were being drawn,
it dawned on me that the majority of my not inconsiderable
finances were riding on that last
card.
Needless to say, as the cards were
revealed, I ended up being thoroughly skunked (a term borrowed
from cribbage, and applied, somewhat "appropriately, here). Also
(for those of you who have the
mild misfortune of knowing me),
I did not take the loss of most of
my cash very well. I bristled. I
blustered. I swore. I offered
threats.of immediate physical
harm.
My friend stared me straight in
the eye. "Okay, Garcia", he said
"one more game. Just you and
me. You win, you get back everything you lost and half of what
I've got." An. ominous silence
filled the room. Then: "But, if you
lose, you lose big."
Wordlessly, I nodded.
"Deal." He said.
The game went by far too quickly. The last words I remember
were "Too bad, Garcia. You lose."
The next thing I knew, I was a
cabin boy on a tramp steamer
bound for Hawaii. It was anything but an uneventful voyage.
From the beginning, we were
besieged by several scores of
cocaine-smugglers trying to board
our vessel. We ended up shipwrecked on some uncharted
Pacific island, running for our
lives as we were chased by hordes
of shaggy and unkempt island
savages, bloodthirsty dinosaurs,
and malicious insurance salesmen. In the process of escaping,
we discovered the lost city of
Eldorado, flew by airship to the
sunken Isle of Atlantis, and recovered that elusive treasure known
only as "Truth in Advertising".
The above is, of course, complete
and utter bunk (although, scarify
enough, most of the card game is
true), thrown in to enliven an
otherwise dry narrative. I mean,
come on now, really. How many
of you out there are truly interested in hearing how my summer
actually went?
The following is for those few of
you who are either a) still awake,
or b) naturally prefer to wade
through the purposeful arrangement of syntactically stacked and
somewhat purplish prose.
Okay, then. <deep breath> After
my last final exam, I started work
the following monday, working
straight through (with the odd
Sunday off) for two months, at an
obscure and very um... private
government department. Because
of certain papers that I had to
sign at the beginning of my
employment with this particular
department, I can't divulge much
information about what I did
during this time, though I can say
that it involved the application of
unusually large amounts of coercion upon the usually reluctant
subjects, and that I had to keep
rather irregular hours (hours
which in no ways matched the
hours kept by my friends working
in the public sector). The score
thus far, Job 1, Social Life 0.
Upon cessation of my service to
the Canadian government, I
endured three weeks of intense,
gruelling hell as my family and I
moved (slowly, very, very si
o w 1 y) into our new house. And
let me tell you, anyone who says
that moving into a house over a
period of weeks is easier than
moving in over a period of days is
either on drugs, or lying through
their many (and no doubt pointed) teeth. Job (or semi-job,
depending on how you look at it)
2, Social Life 0.
And registering for my courses
immediately afterward proved to
be a far from pleasant experience.
Being saddled with a somewhat
late-ish registration date> I discovered that, wonder upon wonders,
none of the classes that I wanted
were available at the times I
wanted them.  This particularly
onerous little task took me the
better half Of a day, arid it wasn't
until the first Of the night-time
mosquitoes began to wander into
my room and drain what little
was left of my blood that I got off
Telereg with a schedule that I was
mOre-or-less satisfied with
(emphasis on less).
And then, the following day, I
began my first day of work for the
administrative wirig of a certain
Vancouver-based theatre company, the details of which the less
said, the better. Job 3, yer out!
So here I am now, sitting in front
of this terminal, hammering out
on this story on these well-worn
keys, my fingers going numb, my
eyes growing dim, as my Editor
hovers over me, making sure that
I finish this thing. So there, I'm
done, Blair. Can I go now?
Aieee! Please! Not the whip!
Ed. Whip? I never, not even once,
had to apply the whip. In fact, we
don't even have a whip in the office
here. Sure, l might have employed
the occasional thumbscrew once or
twice, and I did put bamboo skewers
under his fingernails, but I never,
ever, ever applied the whip.
You're sick, Jay, did you know that?
Still looking for
The Summer
432?
formerly known as the Guide
or the Sack and Blue Review
Copies are still
available in CHEM
3160.
Contains statistics on professors and courses and
blurbs on who's running SU5
this year. 5 SEPT 1995
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEWN
October Council Elections.
Are you looking for a quick
and painless way to get
involved? Well, today only,
we've got a special deal for you -
the annual SUS October Council
Elections.
SUS Council is made up of the
10 Executive (elected in January),
the Department Reps, four
General Officers, two First Year
Reps (to be elected now), and
club reps.
Council is supposed to debate
issues of importance to Science
students and generally undertake
projects to benefit Science students here at UBC. (In practice,
SUS Council's weightiest discussion is the price pf bzzr at our
"social events")
Council also approves budgets,
minutes, et cetera ad infinitum.
But the most important aspect of
being on SUS Council is the unofficial ones - a chance to meet
other people, help out with the
bzzr gardens and generally raise
havoc on behalf of our fellow
Science students who have
important things like classes and
exams to worry about.
Here's.the stuff you need to
know in order to run.
1. You must be a Science student.
Obviously.
2. You need to cut out the nomination form below and get at
least 15 valid signatures and student numbers.
3. Nominations are open from
Tuesday, Sept 5 to Friday, Sept 15
at 4:32 pm. Forms must be handed in before the all candidates
meeting.
4. There will be an all-candidates
meeting Friday, Sept 15 at 5:00pm
in the SUS Office (CHEM B160).
All candidates must be present in
order to be eligible for election.
5. Campaigning will run from
Monday, Sept 18 to Tuesday, Oct
3 at 4:32pm
6. Voting will occur from
Wednesday, Oct 4 to Friday, Oct
7, 1995. Polls will be open 11:30 -
2:30, in various Science buildings.
If you have any questions, contact Ali (Internal Vice President)
in the SUS Office (CHEM B160) •
822 4235.
*•
Department Representatives
Biochemistry
Biology
Chemistry
Computer Science
General Science
Geology
Geography
Geophysics/Astronomy
MatriematicslStatistics
Microbiology/Immunology
Oceanography
Pharmacology/Physiology
Physics
Psychology
Science One
4 General Officers
(open to all Science students)
2 First Year Representatives
(open only to first year Science students)
Public Relations Officer
(executive position)
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1
s PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
5 SEPT 1995
Since my return to Vancouver
at the beginning of August,
I've begun do my own grocery shopping. I think it was on
my second trip to Safeway that I
caught myself putting the avocados back on the pile because
"they're too high in fat." Too
high In fat? It's a vegetable for
crying out loud! What kind of
behavior is this for a twenty year
old? Make that twenty-one; my
birthday was August 21. It was at
that moment (insert Wonder
Years style music here,) that I
realized that I may be growing up
after all. No matter how much
I've liked fruits and vegetables
ever since I was a kid, this was
definitely a red flag; a true kid
would have headed straight to
the junk food aisle, filled the
shopping cart, and made tracks
for the check-out. Me, I was in
the middle of figuring out
whether it was cheaper to buy my
carrots in the three pound bag, or
in bulk. Carrots that were going
into a recipe for soup that my
mother had just passed on to me.
There's a definite parallel
between what we buy, and how
old we are. How we spend as six
year olds (when money is useful
into that
only because it allows us to buy
enough candy to get sick on,) is
completely different from our
spending habits as grandparents
(the winter trip to Myrtle Beach
and grandchildren account for
upwards of 80% of total annual
expenditures.)
As for me, I'm starting to spend
my money in ways that appear
far too adult for my liking. The
arrival of the Ikea catalogue on
my doorstep this past week was
an exciting event, unnervingly
so. (You've got to admit, however,
that there is a lot of good stuff in
it.) Worse yet, I wasn't just browsing, rather than just leafing
through the catalogue and wondering what might look nice in
my dream home, I was on a mission. Prices were compared,
colours were (sort of) matched,
needs were assessed. Two hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents later, I had
returned, the proud (I admit it, I
was proud,) new owner of complete place settings for four (silverware, glasswar^ and dishes
included,) as well as enough pots
and pans to cook a gourmet dinner. Maybe I could have tried to.
save face by purchasing a set of
beer mugs, but I didn't.
Now, I'm also looking at buying
a couch (furniture?..!) but, in my
defense, I want to buy something
big and squishy and used from
the SPCA thrift store: something
that I can lounge around on all
year, and if stuff gets spilled, it's
okay, because I'm planning on
throwing it out at the end of the
year anyway.
I'm spending a lot less money on
beer than I did at this time last
year. If this is a trend, then it has
wide reaching effects. For example, it would jeopardize my position as the science social coordinator; it would also mean that
not only am I a grownup, but far
worse, I am getting old (tone of
desperation.) With any luck, this
entire problem can be blamed on
summer, and now that school is
starting again, all that will
change. I certainly hope so...
Rather indiscriminate spending
habits are another sign of adulthood; being able to spend a hundred and sixty bucks on a pair of
golf shoes here, eight hundred
dollars on a weekend at Whistler
there. This is perhaps the only
characteristic of adulthood that I
could stand to exhibit, but sadly,
I can say that I don't. I still
haven't clawed my way out of
this fiscal pit called university yet,
and current projections predict
that I'll be poor for a long time
yet.
In the same category fall mortgages. While I don't have a mortgage right now, it's only because
there's no way in hell that I could
afford a house right now, and I
probably won't be able to until
shortly after it freezes over. In the
mean time, I've been doing a lot
of shopping around for apartments (rented, of course.) Worse
yet, whenever I go into someone
else's house, I'm beginning to
come up with creative renovating
ideas for them. "Knock out a wall
here (it'll make the whole bottom
floor feel a lot more open and
friendlyj) maybe stencil a border
around the top of that room."
What I should be thinking about
is how many people could fit into
the house for a party. Sigh...
In the end, I guess that I'm turning into a poor adult. The only
thing separating me from my parents is a couple of zeroes on my
annual income. Is that what I've
become? A grownup (albeit a
poor one)? I certainly hope not,
unless we're still allowed ask our
parents for money, and get it.
(Very funny, dad.)
PS It seems that Blair's going off
the deep end about how none of
us SUS Exec are writing anything
for this issue for the paper (see
the serious article, pg. 5.) So,
here's mine: We're having a bzzr
garden second day of class, so
everyone should come out,
because it's a great chance to
meet fellow science students, and
besides it's first week, so you have
nothing important to do. There.
Happy now Blair? (Not that I'm
afraid of him or anything.)
The most basic skill acquired
by Students at UBC.
The Second Class Bash
CHEM 13160
4:32 - t\00pm
Wednesday^ept 6
Cheap bzzr!
Cheap peiderl
heap bzzr!
CI
Start the year off right.    Drunk.

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