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The 432 Sep 1, 1987

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Array Jimmy Swaggart Heals Stephen Hawking!
Volume XXVII Issue XVI
November 32, 198
|   The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But jhgjj*^^
Elvis Discovers
The All-New
Bulemic Diet
Unified Field
King of Rock
and Roll
working for
Bell Labs
since 1976
Artificial intelligence
Predicts: Jeanne Dixon will
be dead by 20501   I
Photo of Elvis in
window of Bell Labs
Speafcs from
Relativity is
Dean of Science
McBride: My Life
as a Closet
The 432
are alien
November 15,1589 Questions For Dan Quayle
by Aaron Drake
Why do they advertise free gifts?
Have you ever heard of a gift that
you had to pay for?
Don't you think that express mail
is an oxymoron?
How about hard water! Or same
difference? Or even basic complex
analysis'! Can you honestly call
something a peace force!
Why do they tell us that someone
has set a new record? Is it possible
to set an old record?
How many doctors are, in reality,
illiterate? Don't laugh - look at their
Why does bread always land butter
side down? What would happen if
you butter both sides? Would it
explode? I think it would float.
Derek thinks it would fall on its
Would cats fall on their feet if
they were in space? What if you
buttered their backs? Then what
would happen?
Does God have a credit rating?
He's never borrowed anything.
Someone would have to cosign. I
won't. I don't even know where he
What happens to back issues of
magazines? Do they get thrown out?
I don't think so. I know the bad ones
migrate to Dentists' waiting rooms.
There's a little known theory that
the rings of Saturn are composed of
our lost luggage. I bet the suitcases
are filled with socks, too.
Civil servant: there's another
oxymoron. I got a million of 'em.
And those Christinas Fruitcakes.
Nobody eats them. They just
circulate around year after year. I
think there's really only one in the
world, and it just moves from family
to family. What is in them that makes
people not want to eat it? Jimmy
If 7-11 's are open 24 hours a day,
365 clays a year why are there locks
on the door?
Why do policemen lock their
lockers? Is there something they're
not telling us?
How much would the crime rate
drop in Harlem if they put donut
shops on each corner?
Where does MacGyver get all his
duct tape?
Why are Diamonds forever? Wait
a sec. They're not. The payments
Why is it always a true fact,
anyway? Who the heck ever heard
of a false fact?
Don't those stupid people know
that MAD has only one D?
Why do they call it Rush Hour?
Nobody seems to be going
anywhere very quickly.
Why do cars in Surrey only have
one headlight? What happens if you
have two? Does someone come by
in the middle of the night and smash
one of them out?
Why are people so afraid of bees?
Is it ancestral? Were they the size of
Piper Cubs in prehistoric times?
Stop and think about this. One
bee.weighing less than a few grams,
will send an intelligent, sentient
human being, that is four hundred
times larger and weighs over twenty
thousand times more, into hysterics.
Where's the logic?
Why is it that the world will
tolerate anything except someone
who blocks traffic?
Where have all the used hula
hoops gone?
Who lives in funeral homes?
That's sick...
If Quebec declares independence,
will children still have to take french
in school? What about the french
on cereal boxes? Will we still have
What kind of a name for a state is
Maryland? Somebody was up late
thinking that one up.
Why can't France ever win a war?
If someone in Siberia commits a
crime, where do they send them?
Palm Springs?
Why did Alberta get most of the
national parks in the Rockies?
Would cocaine be as; popular if it
was black?
People seemed to like our first
silly questions, so we brought
it back. Being one to bow to
popular demand, we'll do a
regular Questions For Dan
Quayle. Right here, we now
announce our first Questions
persons who submit the best
question will win a T-shirt or
something like that, (that the
budget can asfford). Drop them
offat Chem 160> or mail them
m (check the credits for our
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I.N. STEIN byKenOtteir
I.N. STIEN by Ken Otter
Look at all those engineers in their red
jackets. \ tell ya, no sense of individuality
The 432
November 15, 1589 find9{gw for Something $L Little
by Andrew Hodgson,
Token Engineer
Kraft Dinner is the fast food version of macaroni and cheese :the
word cheese is not to be taken literally. The package reads that there is
real cheese used, but it comes in the form of cheese powder where the
amount of cheese they actually use is questionable. Actually, I don't
really think it's cheese powder at all. My guess is that it's rotting
The only redeemable qualities of Kraft Dinner is that it tastes good
and, most important, it is cheap. It's food value is about equal to that of
normal pasta and the milk and margarine that is added. I've read that
Kraft Diner has 22 grams of protein, but at best this protein is
incomplete. If you want a lot of carbohydrates and enough
preservatives to keep you unspoiled after death, however, it is the
ultimate food.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, can prepare Kraft Dinner, but very few
people make it the same way. It all comes down to how much milk and
margarine is used in making the sauce. If you want a soup, you put in
lots of milk. Of you want a sticky gumbo that'll stick to your tongue,
you heap on the margerine (margerine and not butter). Whatever way
you do it. Kraft Dinner goes well with almost every food, with icecream and such being exceptions. And, I think, it goes well with both
red and white wine.
There are many imitations of the original Kraft Dinner; Catelli has
even made one that surpasses the original in the quality of the pasta.
With all factors considered Kraft Dinner is still the number one product
of its genre. All those no-name brands taste like crap and you only save
a few cents when you buy them so don't even bother. If you're thinking
of comparing Kraft Dinner to macaroni and cheese from scrach, don't
bother. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Why do people like
Kraft Dinner? Studies show ( as taken on a grade 10 cooking class) that
people prefer whatever they were given as a kid.
Andy is our engineer-in-residence, who never let me forget, all
summer, that macaroni and cheese was better than even sex. When
not planning for the 40 beer club, Andy can. be found making
sarcastic remarks at any babe within earshot According to Andy > it's
quantity, not quality.
He assuied that to study the Physical Plant worker in his
natural habitat, all we had to do was fill out a foriB
requesting soie lightbulbs be changed. Our aistake.
Yesterday, Physical Plant workers arrived to change the
light bulbs. He had filled out the forss years ago. They
were suprised to hear that the CPAX building had now been
torn down. They promptly held a coffee break in protest.
Little is know about Plant Horkers. Theories vary aoout Iwha
type of aniials they are. Most contend they are reptiles
that is, they are cold-blooded, which accounts for their
sluggish behaviour. Others argue that they would seem
coiatose even to alligators. Much creedence is given to the
theory that they are really higher foras of plants, and
stand still so that they uay photesynthesize. „~.
Plant workers tend to be seen around large piles of wet,
smelly leaves, These are incubators for their young. In the
winter season, Physical Plant workers hibernate in these!
piles. Cose springtiie, they metaffiorphosize into Postal
The study was concluded early with no success. Yet we did
recieve a bill for the changing of the lightbulb. They
charged us six thousand dollars.
Real Questions That Everyone Asks
Why Do We Bch?
Although some scientist argue that
itching is a remnant of our defense system
against parasites and insects, the real
reason for itching was not discovered
until the late 1970's. Indeed, such a
question was considered trivial. Perhaps
that was why it took so long to come up
with a valid answer.
An itch is a message from our nerve
endings that a particular section of skin
is becoming too thick. When this
happens, fluids tend to build up, just
below the epidermis, the layer of dead
skin. If left unchecked, it could result in
boils, bruises and even rupturing of the
To counteract this, the nerves send a
message to the brain that the skin must
be itched in that particular region. Doing
this tears away a lot of the dead skin. It
also shreds theremaining skin, increasing
the surface area. The fluids below rise
up through the damaged dermis and
evaporate quickly. Thus, because the
fingers have scratched in that area, the
fluid buildup is stopped, and the nerve
endings no longer tell the brain that it is
What Does The Appendix Do?
The appendix for the longest time was
believed to be worthless. This belief is
slowly changing as medicine is finding
that the appendix plays an important
role in the filtering system of the kidneys
and liver. Large particulates from the
kidney are sent to the appendix where
they are broken down and the nsent back
into the digestive tract to be disposed of.
In addition, poisons filtered out by the
liver pass through the appendix in a
continous biofeedback loop to recever
any nutrients.
The removal of the appendix seems to
have no adverse effects on the filtering
systems. In the case of the kidney, for
instance, the large particulates are sent
straight into the digestive system.
If electrons are closer to other atoms
than identically charged protons, then
how can atoms be neutral?
It's true that because the nucleus, which
contains the protons, is in the center of
the atom, it is further from other atoms
than the outer electrons. At first a neutral
atom seems impossible, but it can be
explained by the field of physics called
Quantum Electrodynamics. Due to the
uncertainty principle, the charge of the
electron may fluctuate from very large
values down to zero. If you took the time
average of the charge of the electron,
you would find that the electron's
average charge, is less than it's actual
charge, and just small enough to balance
out the charge of the proton, even though
it is further away.
Protons, having a very special quality
called Hypercharge Symmetry, do not
fall under the rules of the uncertainty
principle, and therefore we may know
everything, it's position, momentum,
and even charge, exactly, at any time.
Why Has Fermat's Last Theorem
Never Been Solved?
Fermat's Last Theorem is that an + b" =
cn, where n>2, is not true. a,b, and c are
integers. This is perhaps the mostfamous
theorems of all times. To date, it has
never been solved, although many have
In 1988, in Prague, a symposium on
Fermat's Last Theorem was held to
discuss progress to date. Itwasgenerally
agreed that the level of knowledge of
mathematics was just too low to be able
to prove this theorem.
The problem lies in an obscure field of
mathematics called, Sinteger Theory,
which is a combination of Set Theory,
Real Number Theory, and the Theory of
Non-CommutableCover Twistors (don't
worry -1 don't know what that means
either). Using this theory, it was shown
that there is no way to actually unify
Integer Theory with Real Number
Theory.Fermat'sLast Theorem can only
be solved when this union occurs. Until
we discover a new realm of mathematics
that can unite these two seemingly
contradictory theories, Fermat's last
Theorem will remain unsolved.
If anyone thinks this should be
a regular feature, then please
drop off your questions that
everyone asks at Chem 160
"The right to be heard does not
include the right to be taken
Hubert Humphry
The 432
November 15,1589 your ^Horoscope
Aquarius (Jan20 - Feb 18)
Don't believe everything you hear.
Always do the right thing. Consider
your actions. Three on a match is
unlucky. You will be murdered by a
television evangelist.
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Beware of things containing vowels.
Aries (Mar 21 - April 19)
You can do no wrong. Love,
fullfillment will be yours today.
Fame and sophistication will fall at
your feet. Just kidding. Seriously,
today is a good day to buy tomatoes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today is your day for absolute
definite decisions. Or is it? Wait a
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be especially repugnant
today. You offend everyone and
smell bad. Get out of my sight. You
disgust me.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Look out for mosquitoes. Um... don't
strike up a conversation with an
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
The ideal mate will walk into your
life and sweep you off your feet.
Your hopes and dreams will be
fullfilled as loved ones lavish you
with caring. Oh, wait a second. This
is 1989, right? Oops, forgot to carry
the two. Change that: the above
should read, "You will catch a cold."
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Think positive, but be a little
skeptical if you feel you should,
because what at first might kind of
seem sort of okay could possibly be
not quite all that good or even just a
little bit humdrum. I think. Maybe.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Accent on lurid adventure, wild
encounters,   passion,   venereal
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You will win a million dollars. It's
true. No kidding. It's in the stars.
God, you're gullible.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Death is feeling grumpy today.
Beware of tall men in hooded cloaks
carrying large garden tools.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
Nothing will happen. Don't blame it
on the stars. It's your own fault. You
have no personality. Why else would
you read this?
Rm.   207&2Q9
2:30pm   TO   INFINITY
S«U. B.
With  each  minimum  donation  of  $1.25
receive one  FREIE  BZZR
With  each  minimum  donation  of $0.75
receive  one  FREE  HOTDOG
This is Trivial!
by Tanya Rows
Howdy Hi! Just thought you'd like some
more trivia. Last issue's theme of
Inflated Lymph Nodes went over so
well, that we'll give you a mix. We'll
have three themes: one for easy, one for
medium, and one for hard. Break a leg,
1-10: Easy  Theme: Albert Einstein.
1. Who discovered the theory of
2. Who won the Nobel Prize in physics
for his discovery of the photelectric
3. What famous physicist was named
Albert Einstein?
4. Who said, "God does not play dice."
5. Who developed his very special
theory in a patent office?
6. Who was Mrs Einstein married to?
7. What was the name of the father of
the Einstein children?
8. Who said that gravity was really
curved space?
9. What famous physicist played the
10. If Albert Einstein, Michael Jackson
and Mikhail Gorbachev were in a room
travelling at the speed of light, and
Michael Jackson and Mikhail Gorbachev
left the room, who would be left inside?
11-15: Medium
11. Why does this always happen to
12. Who cares?
13. What's the point?
14. When will you get around to
cleaning your room?
15. Why do I have to have acne?
16-20: Hard Theme: Unanswered
17. Where did Jimmy Hoffa disappear
18. How much does the universe weigh?
19. What is the solution to quantum
20. How old is God?
Bonus Question: If you were sitting in a
red caboose, and the train was moving at
ten kilometers and hour and you passed
a pregnant women by the side of the
tracks, what would be the density of
Answers oia page 8
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that's the way it was* Vtftm&X
Issae & Wednesday* l^ovember 15,
Editor: Aaron C. Drake
Writers (an 3 contrSjufoTis): Aaron
Drafts, iKsrsift Mule** David N$w>
AndrewHodgsoa, fanyaJRoseJJjua
Ar&as: Km* Otter, Aaron r>rake,
Clement Fung
Layout/Pasiteup: Eiissabefih-Anae
Brown, Phen Huang, Aaron t^ake,
Derek Milter
Printed by College Printers
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coarkWhy i\ woolJjhave no idea,
that any comt costs itscurted d«& to
some kind of civil sml against you
will be covered solely by youtseE
We don't peed the aggravation.
Have a nice day.
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The 432
November 15,1589


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