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The 432 Jan 22, 1996

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 N
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4
3
2
special edition VOL 9 • NO 8
22 JANUARY 1996
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
One humiliating thing
about Science is that it's
gradually filling our
homes wim appliances
smarter than we are.
-anon
INGREDIENTS
3.5 pints of Lord Granville
Pale Ale
Varsity Grill Chinese food
Our weekend
Let simmer for six days
over open flame. Next,
slowly add articles and
graphics as they magically
appear and edit to fit.
Scream until done. Serves
4500.
Lethal to anyone without a
sick and twisted sense of
humour.
No Hiros were harmed in
the making of this issue.
Totem Park
Condemned
by UBC!
Hundreds of students to be forced to
move into a new tent city.
Gord Olundsky
Roving Correspondents
VANCOUVER (CP)
Students living in one of
UBC's largest campus residences will soon be without a
home.
The problem arose when inspectors attached to the University's
Plant Operations Department
noticed a 3 inch crack running
through the foundations of
Totem Park's Haida House. A subsequent inspection found similar
structural imperfections in two
other houses built at the same
time.
In all, the refit of the three buildings (Haida, Nootka and Salish)
will force over 400 students to
find alternative accommodation
while the engineers look at ways
to shore up the crumbing foundations to a point to allow human
habitation.
"It was just blind luck we discovered this problem," said Ernie   .
Fetzger of Plant Operations. "It
was actually one of our electricians who noticed it while fixing
a light bulb. He might not have
been a rocket, scientist or nothing, but even he figured out a
giant crack in the wall isn't a
great thing."
Structural engineers were immediately called in and swiftly took
action to minimize the danger to
residents.
"It could come down at any
time," asserted Phil Weters of
B&G Engineering. "That crack
cuts right across the main load
bearing member, and if it slips .
out of alignment, the stress could
ripple right up the building."
Engineers have patched the
crack sufficiently to give the
Department of Housing and
Conferences time to notify the
affected students and organize
the move.
Students in the unaffected building are being encouraged to share
rooms with their fellow residents,
and a tent city is to be erected on
the playing field to accommodate
anyone unable to find a place.
"The tent city will be just like
home," claimed an official at
Housing. "Well, not exactly, since
the tents we have don't have
floors or heating. But we did
manage to get some gurneys from
the hospital, so no one has to
sleep in the mud."
Students are predictably angry.
"Why should we suffer because
the University screwed up again!"
shouted a student when informed
of the problem. 'I'm not going to
pay the full amount, you can be
sure of that!"
Housing officials stated for the
record that housing fees would
not be rebated or reduced for the
duration of the emergency, claiming that their residence contract
was very clear.
When notified of their failure to
provide even the most basic
amenities to possible students living in the tent city, including
power or water, Housing officials
replied:
"Fine. If they think power and
water are that important, they
can go out and buy a hose and
extension cord. We'll even provide the taps and plugs to hook
up to."
Staff SJtmicU
by lightning.
Juan Carlos
Columnist
Ambulance crews rushed down to UBC early Sunday morning,
coming to the aid of a several people struck by lightning. The
victims, all of them senior staffers of the venerable campus
newspaper, The 432 had been stumbling back to the Science
Undergrad Society lounge after a gathering at a local watering-hole,   •
when, out of a clear sky, they were struck by lightning.
"They were carrying on, carousing like crazy when bang, this flash of
light comes out of the sky and slams right into them." claims Orvilie
Isaacson, a building superintendent and witness to the event. "Man,
they were screaming out and squealing like stuck pigs, and the stench,
man, the stench was something awful."
The only .remaining 432 staffer, current mascot and chief ink monkey
Hiro Izumi, has swiftly been promoted to the position of Editor.
Remaining executives of SUS have begun scrambling to raise money
for an A.I. random word generator to augment Hire's own rather limited intellect. Hiro's primary responsibility will then comprise of merely
picking out the most coherent articles for publication.
Pundits predict that the overall quality of The 432's writing should
improve at least by an order of magnitude.
Heimlich's other maneuver JAN 22,1996
H      E
PAGE 3
The 1995
Boiieliead
Ahunni Awards.
The432
In the spirit of safety, we at The 432 readily agreed to help Dean
Meisen promote his new Engineering Practical Exam.
Any students in the Faculty of Engineering should take the below
exam as soon as possible. If you find yourself having difficulty understanding the questions, a pictographic version is available.
If you are unable to score perfectly, you will be required to take a
remedial Engineering Safety Course (APSC 090) before you are eligible
for graduation.
Contact the Faculty of Engineering directly if you have any questions
or concerns.
Staff Writer
SEATTLE (CP)
Richard Gardner, a local engineering consultant, is currently in stable condition at
Seattle General following a freak
accident involving his .25 calibre
revolver.
Gardner, a graduate of UBC's
Electrical Engineering program,
was replacing shingles on his
garage December 10. Unable to
find his hammer, Gardner opted
to use his handgun.
Unfortunately, the gun was
loaded, and Gardner shot himself
in the gut while merrily pounding three penny finishing nails.
"I didn't think it was loaded,"
claimed Gardner. "No one ever
told me using a gun as a hammer
was a bad idea. It just never
occured to me."
Officials in the Faculty of
Engineering are considering
adding a new course for all first
years, entitled "Basic Safety for
BIRMINGHAM (Reuters)
Jracob Reeves and Thomas
Shinley nearly blew themselves out of existence in a
tched burglary attempt late last
summer.
Reeves and Shinley, former graduates of UBC's History
Department were attempting to
rob the Birmingham Fireworks
Company. The two novice thieves
drove their van through an
unlocked service entrance onto
the factory's main floor and
loaded up the manager's safe.
Thrilled by the ease of the heist,
the two decided to open the safe
on the spot, using a high power
acetylene torch.
The heat from the torch swiftly
lit the van's carpeting ablaze, and
the fire swiftly engulfed the entire
van. Recogonizing the inherent
danger, the two burglars ran for
it, just managing to clear the
building's main entrance before
sparks from the van fire ignited
the stockpile of custom made fireworks.
The resultant explosion shat-
Engineers."
"We're seeing a rise in these sorts
of accidents," said Dean Meisen
of Engineering. "There was that
Mech who blinded himself using
a chisel to shave, and oh, that
poor bastard who castrated himself with his power saw. It's obvious we're just not emphasizing
safety enough in our courses.
Either that, or we're graduating
some really stupid people."
Gardner was quick to endorse
Meisen's idea.
"Sounds great! Wish I had that
sort of training when I was there.
I can design a circuit from
scratch, no problem, but I guess
there's some holes in my education."
Until the course can be written,
all Engineering alumni and current students are being encouraged to watch a minimum of two
hours of Bob Vila per week.
tered the foundations of the
building, and tossed the two
intrepid thieves into a haystack
over 300 feet away.
"That sure was a purty fire," said
Birmingham's police chief.
"People came from miles away to
watch all the starbursts and flowers. So long as we kept them a
half mile from the factory, there
was no danger."
Reeves and Shinley are reported
to be rather embarrassed about
their first attempt at safecracking.
"I suppose we should have just
drove out with the safe as soon as
we could," said Shinley, "but
Jacob was so excited, he just
couldn't wait."
When asked why the two didn't
just stay with their comfortable
jobs as researchers at the British
Museum, Reeves replied:
"What, and be bored out of me
skull? London's so boring it ain't
even funny! The best time of my
life was those four years on
exchange to UBC. I may not
have actually learned anything,
but boy, did I ever have fun."
ENGINEERING
PRACTICAL
EXAM
1) Name:	
(Hint: something people call you that doesn't rhyme with
"duck cough")
2) Faculty	
(Hint: see above)
3) Male/Female: M F ? He.Circle only one.
4) Student ID #
(Hint: the 8 digits on your student card. Hint #2: Digits are
really called numbers)
5) Which of the following is used to drive nails in wood?
^
3   fr
(A.
Circle only one.
(Hint: a circle is round)
6) Which of the following would be appropriate attire for a
worksite?
a) bikini underwear and a bandanna
b) jeans, t-shirt, steel toed boots and safety helmet
c) size 13 stilleto heels, fishnet stockings and tight
tank top
7) Answer the following questions (T or F)
(Hint: T means true, or "right", while F means false, or
"wrong")
a) Your mother dressed you this morning.
b) Green means stop, red means go.
c) Silly rabbit... nail guns are for kids!
Volume 9 Number 8
22 Jan 1996
Editor
Blair McDonald
Ass't Editors
Jay Garcia
John Hallett
MattWiggin
Contributors
Doug Beleznay, Deanna
Braaksma, Anna Carvalho, Bella
Carvalho, Nicola Jones, Graeme
Kennedy, Dave Khan, Tracy
MacKinnon, Jeremy Thorp
Etcetera     •'. ; .  ■    -
The 438 is published whenever
we feel like it by the Science
Undergrad Society. All opinions
expressed herein are those of
Hiro Izumi, not the individual
writers, SUS, the Faculty of
Science or the University of
British Columbia.
The 432 is copyrighted 1996
Science Undergrad Society and
can not be reproduced in any
way without the express written
permission of the above.
Contributions from all students
encourages. Submit on disk
(most programs ok) and with
printed copy (include your name
and number) before the posted
deadlines. Bye! PAGE 4
H
E
JAN 22,1996
Famous Dead
People and
Famous People
We Wish Were
Dead.
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There's been lots of famous people dying over the ages. Of course,
there's a lot more non-famous dead people out there, but we figured
you wouldn't want to find thirty three thousand JOHNSMITHs.
In a flash of inspiration, we've also added a number of people we
wished were dead. Not that we're encouraging an assassination or anything, but damn, are those people ever annoying!
Find all 22!
UBC ROADMAP TO COMPUTING
An Introduction to Networked Computing Facilities
FREE Lectures and Hands-On Tutorials
A FREE lecture and tutorial series has been created to help familiarize
faculty, staff and students with the computing facilities at UBC. A
companion document to the lecture series, entitled UBC Roadmap to
Computing, is for sale at the UBC Bookstore. All lectures will take
place in the Instructional Resource Center (in the same building as the
Woodward library) in the rooms noted below. For more information
about the lecture series, please call 822-0557, or send e-mail to
roadmap© cs.ubc.ca.
Introduction to Electronic Mail:  January 15. 5:00 - 6:00. Room 6
Using Netinfo and Interchange:  January 16,1:30-2:30, Room 2
Introduction to UBGLIB: Jan 17,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to the UNIX Operating System:  January 18,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to the C Programming Environment:  January 19, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
The World Wide Web and Usenet News:  January 22, 5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to UNIX File Editors:  January 23,1:30 - 2:3G, Room 2
Introduction to LaTeX:  January 24,5:00- 6:00, Room 6
Introduction to X Windows:  January 25,5:00 - 6:00, Room 6
We are also offering FREE hands-on tutorials: Introduction to UNIX,
and Introduction to C programming. Each tutorial is 2 hours in length,
and you will work on an X Windows (graphical) terminal running
UNIX. As space is limited, please phone 822-0557, dr send e-mail to
roadmap©cs.ubc.ca, in order to reserve a space.
This program was made possible through the support of The Teaching and
Learning Enhancement Fund and The Department of Computer Science.
Editorial
Ramhliiigs.
Blair
MCDONALD
Trying to make change really
bites. As I speak, Jeremy's
trying to sell off John for a
mere 25 cents. Not surprisingly,
no one's buying.
But Jeremy perserves, begging 5
cents from one, 10 cents from
another until he's got his precious change, which he swiftly
trades into a pop.
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this with you, except that's
getting and late, and my deadline
waits for no man.
One of the many things I'm
studying is correlation. You know,
does one factor influence what I
see? Are they correlated. Most
correlations are dead easy;
increasing the food supply will
almost invariable result in greater
size of the study sample. Others
are obviously bogus; does the
movement of the Moon across
the heavens really have anything
to do with the growth of carrots
in nutrient poor soil?
One thing that I've noticed is
this: whenever I do my laundry, it
inevitably pours rain. Is God
mocking me, I ask? Probably.
You see, before filling up my
laundry basket with assorted dirties, I always check the weather.
It's nice and sunny, so I fill up the
basket and prepare to make my
dash across the street. But I'll get
sidetracked, usually by TV, and I'll
end up putting it off until about
10 at night. Then I'll realize that
I'm out of clean underwear, and
therefore laundry must be done
now!
But it's raining out. Damn.
Anyways, I'm fighting off a
vicious head cold, so I'm going to
take off now and go crawl under
the covers. Enjoy the issue.
This is what happens when I leave John and
Jeremy alone for even a single goddamned
minute with all the resources of the paper at
their finger tips.
Sorry. JAN 22,1996
H
E
PAGE 5
A Brief History of SUS.
February 3,1961 — Science and
Arts are divorced. A legend is
born.
March 8, 1962 — After a year of
growing pains, the SUS Black
Hand embarks on its first major
project, claiming "If they can
make a decaffeinated coffee that
tastes good, why can't they send
a man to Mars?" The project is
undertaken by Science students
Robert Goddard, Knostin
Tsiolkovsky and Werner Von
Braun.
March, 16,1962 — The start of a
great tradition: the Science double election. In the the first-ever
SUS Election, irregularities force a
recall.
November 15,1962 — After
Science threatens to enter the
Chariot Race, both Engineering
and Agriculture withdraw. Due to
the extreme boredom of racing
alone, Science also withdraws,
allowing lesser faculties to race.
Besides, the stadium track was too
narrow for three chariots.
October 30,1963 — In their
first-ever Chariot Race, SUS
resoundingly defeats the 'geers.
Aggies are nowhere to be seen.
The 'geers are none too happy,
explaining "we helped them
rebuild their chariot after someone swiped parts of it!"
February 4,1964 — As a Science
Week stunt, Le Main Noir overturns an A-53 Austin at the main
gates, using distress flares to simulate belching smoke. The effect
is so impressive that the UBC fire
and police departments come out
to congratulate the pranksters.
With some quick thinking the
gang tells them: "We were just
emphasizing the extreme danger
of driving at this corner."
September 14,1965 — Science
becomes the first faculty to publish an anti-calendar — the Black
and Blue Review. Students were
polled on the effectiveness of
courses, considering the prof, syllabus and text. Not surprisingly,
some profs bitched, but a significant improvement in their teaching was later noticed.
October 21, 1965 -- The Chariot
Race is usually an amicable event
where rival faculties participate in
easygoing competition. But this
year, the 'geers are still sore from
the stinging defeat inflicted by
SUS two years prior. Halfway
through, the race deteriorates
into a bruising free-for-all. The
Engineers bite off more than they
could chew, however, and receive
the brunt of the damage. Science
sends over a dozen 'geers to the
hospital, compared with SUS* single casualty. In an act of valor,
the 'geers ban Science from future
races, opting instead to compete
against the tamer Aggies and
Foresters.
January 4,1966 — Exposure to
radiation in his PHYS 115 lab
causes William Brommel to
mutate from a normal Science
student to an academically-con
scientious one. Symptoms of
genius also lead to his triumph as
the winner of the Rhodes
Scholarship for BC.
January 20,1966 — 600 Science
students celebrate Science Week
with their first smoker, but gatecrashing Mounties seize one Miss
'Candy'Jones, the centre of
attention, and charge her with
committing an indecent act.
Police also seize a projector, but
find no film.
February 11, 1966 —The Black
Hand design the first-ever human
paperweight in the form of an
EUS Vice President. Later design
tweaks included bent-over 'geers,
ostensibly to "act as pen-holders".
January 19, 1967 — During
Science Week, SUS buries a time
capsule to be opened in 2067.
Unfortunately, of those things
buried "somewhere along Main
Mall", Douglas Kenny, then Dean
of Arts, is not included.
October 6,1967 — 'Geers strip
SUS First VP John Taylor of his
clothes and dress him in red
underwear. A call for vengence
takes hold of the SUS, and amidst
a display of fireworks and smoke,
any engineer unfortunate enough
to be found near Main Library is
dunked.
October 18, 1967 — Once again
during Science Week, a lusty celebration is held, and once again it
is crashed by the police. However,
the event is held this time in the
new SUB Party Room. SUS executive deny all knowledge of the
event, pointing out that the room
was booked by the Young
Businessmens' Club. The first
Black Plague is published.
November 12-14,1969 — One
small prank for Science, one giant
leap for Sciencekind. The result of
drunken debauchery, a field trip
to Cape Kennedy, Florida nets a
NASA flag for SUS. Not just any
flag, but the one from the mission conference and briefing
room. Now, if we could just find
the guy who stole it from us!
December 3,1969 — SUS
President Ron Gilchrist, due to
lack of student housing, decides
to move into the SUS Office with
his girlfriend. Unfortunately,
their hot plate starts a fire which
destroys the office. The Dean,
none too pleased, shuts SUS
down until 1972.
March11,1981 -— Dave Frank,
elected as SUS President, revives
the Black Hand, Science Chariot
Races, SUS Inyolyesmerit in
Intramurals, and incompetent
presidencies.
November 5,1981 — Revived
SUS Chariot Race team comes in
third.
February 19 - March 16,1982 —
SUS celebrates the 20th
Anniversary of the first-ever
Science election by reenacting it.
The event was organized by
Horacio de la Cueva.
1983 — SUS initiates fulfill their
pledges by painting the Cheeze
Pub bright pink. Yet another issue
of The Black Plague shocks journalistic critics.
1984 — Nothing significant happens. A wave of apathy sweeps
campus.
1985 — Spring elections see the
rise of the Mustard Dynasty. The
High Priest of Ethanol, Ron
Teljeur, erects his temple of twice-
monthly insanity, The
Underground.
1986 — A particular red station
wagon disappears in the night,
and is later found impaled on the
'geer "block". UBC declared an
undergraduate-free zone.
1987 — The 432 is first published.
1991 — SUS mourns the death of
its pet millipede Igor in a special
tribute on the front cover of the
432. Animal rights activists are
quick to leap to the attack, claiming the article was a classic example of "speciesism." Luckily, they
missed the illustrated story 'How
to Neuter Your Cat at Home,"
buried on page seven, at least
until the Editor goofed by calling
attention to it.
1993 — The Black Plague
returns, this time carefully
camoflauged as the Ubyssex. A
sexually explicit picture of a carrot shocks the entire campus.
1994 -- Establishing the two
year tradition of spoofing enemy
papers, the Black Plague masquerades as the Arts' Underground.
The free beer coupon for the Arts
County Fair proves to be an
instant hit, with lineups at photocopiers across campus, and entire
stacks of the paper having their
corner cut out. The Arts
Undergrad Society is, to put it
mildly, pissed off at having to tell
hundreds of people that it's a
hoax.
1995 — SUS President Ryan
McCuaig is kidnapped by four
burly Engineers, handcuffed, and
thrown into the back of a waiting
van. Ryan is forced to endure a
weekend with the Association of
Engineering Women on their
road trip to Nelson, BC. Ryan
attempts a brilliant escape at the
karoake bar in Nelson by standing at the mike and asking the
entire crowd for help. The crowd,
mostly drunk, thinks it's a great
joke. Ryan's appetite for politics
and harmless pranks wanes considerably from that point
onwards.
It's better than the one Jason found.
1996 SCIENCE FLEECE
Dark blue, thick polar fleece
embroidered with SCIENCE UBC
Costs only $67
Available while supplies last.
Come to SUS (CHEM Bl 60)
SCIENCE
UBC PAGE 6
H
E
JAN 22,1996
The Usual
Heupeekt.
Graeme
KENNEDY
Being alive isn't what it's
cracked up to be. No matter
how old you are or what
you do for a living, there's always
somebody who figures their personal experience gives them the
right to ride your ass. It all starts
in childhood... <insert vibraphone music, blurry vision &c as
we fade into dream mode>
Mom: Come on, now, you can
do it! Go poodies for mommy!
Yo! Go already. Do I have to squat
on that potty and show you
myself?
Me (Fibbing through my gums,
backed up like Grand Coolie, and
deeply regretting tossing those
stewed prunes under my bib):
Grazie go plop-plop! Ah! Stinky!
Ha-ha. Waaah!
It only got worse. The pressuring, I mean. I started going eventually. No excuse is good enough
for a dedicated pest. From toilet
training we moved onto reading.
From there to math. Next thing
you know it's sports. "Did you
win? What! Do I have to pick up
that caber myself and show you
how?"
And it's always the wrong things.
I mean, I could handle a few bars
of "Did you score last night on
your date, young man? Do I have
to crawl in that back seat myself
and show you how?" But,
noooooo.
And what's it all about, the
motherly chiding. They say it's
love, but really it's a form of
training for marriage. Oh, yes.
Welcome to the next level.
Now, obviously, I'm not married
myself. However, I bore witness
to the joining of my sister and
her project - er, husband - over
the Summer. It was a wonderful
outdoor wedding in a field in the
Cariboo: flowers, grass, gifts,
guests. His guests. And immediately after the wedding they "had
to go". Vamoose. Voom. Au
revoir. It was a humiliating sight
to see a six-and-a-half foot tall
man trudge over to the guest
room and explain that the sleep-
over had ended and it was time
for his pals to gather their toys
and go home. And home they
went.
Don't get me wrong: women do
not have a monopoly on pestering. I know of countless perfectionists who spend hours on the
Michelangelo approach to tree
decoration. And that's doing
Michelangelo a disservice, since
he actually did some of the work.
"Hmm. No. I think the spinning
balloon would look much better
near the Christmas donkey ornament. Frankly, it looks tacky by
the Habs bauble." Thanks for the
tip, dad.
All in all the holidays turned out
well this year. We had a sunny
December 25th, which beats the
usual Foggy Christmas/Seasonally
Affected Disorder Festival/Day O'
Sunlamp. None of the seniors
inhaled their bridges or confusedly gave gifts to themselves, and
this general lack of catastrophes
makes for a jolly yule in the
Kennedy clan. However, this year
I had the additional challenge of
finding a significant-other-gift-
pack (yes, that's right, I'm off the
wagon).
I had no idea what to get her.
Narrowing the options down to
five or six, I decided to take no
chances. I got everything and
anything I could think of, from
flashlights to frying pans. There
was no way I could go wrong.
However, I underestimated the
cost of one or two items and had
to take the ol' VISA card into
Emergency for fear of it passing
away on me, despite the fact that
it said right on the front that it
wouldn't 'expire' until June.
A call to VISA Central resolved
some kind of accounting error,
but the clerk still found opportunity to criticize my spending
habits. When I explained to my
trusty companion that I had been
called an 'overspender', she
immediately seized the phone in
what I thought would be my
defense. I was so wrong.
"Overspender just isn't good
enough! Did your mother not
teach you how to chew an ass?
Do I have to clamp my jaws on
his butt myself?"
Gonna be a long Spring.
SCIENCE SENATOR NEEDED
For info, contact Dave Khan at
SUS or 808-0954
9TH ANNUAL
BPP TRIKE RACE
Team of 6: 5 undergrads + 1 grad,
prof or lecturer
Minimum of 1 female and 1 male
(corec)
Costs $48 per team (prizes)
All proceeds go to Children's
Hospital
Register at CHEM B160 by Jan 23
THURSDAY, JAN 25
1:30-2:30
SUB SOUTH PLAZA
BIOSOC
BZZR GARDEN
FRIDAY JAN 26
4:32PM
BIOSCI RM 2449 JAN 22,1996
H
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2
PAGE 7
Half a Mail.
Statistics Canada tells us that
the average Canadian family
has 2.5 children. Not two
children, or even three, but two
and a half. Where, you ask, are all
these half people? Is there vast
network of hidden asylums,
known only to enigmatic agents
of the FBI, denied by shifty members of the government, and filled
to the brim with grotesque mutations? Are these poor victims of
prairie inbreeding kept in dark
dungeons, fed only on spam, and
forced to manufacture cheap imitation menswear? It seemed to
me, with today's stringent human
rights legislation, that these 'people,' no matter how 'different'
they may be from ourselves,
would deserve some sort of recognition.
This issue had been on my mind
for quite some time. Often, I
would wake up in a cold sweat,
images of partial people burned
into my subconscious, wondering
what I could do. I had another
'episode' last month, one that I
will remember forever (or at least
until next week.) In my dream, I
was walking through the hallways of SUB, minding my own
business, and thinking about my
biostatistics assignment (this was
the first clue that it was, in fact, a
dream.This, and my complete
lack of outerwear. And underwear.) Suddenly, the whole building was full of students— gross,
disfigured, half-students who
walked on half limbs in half-circles, half-heartedly stumbling
towards me. "Helb!" they shouted, their cries echoing through
the halls, their half-mouths open
in expressions of half anguish,
half pain. It was then I awoke,
bathed in sweat (now there's a
pretty picture,) and with only one
thing on my mind — I knew that
these people needed help, and
they needed help now.
Quickly, I dug through my
drawers for the masking tape.
Realizing I wasn't wearing any, I
decided to check my desk. Hastily
taping the letter 'Z' on the window, I waited, wondering if my
signal would be spotted. Several
hours later, much to my and my
roommate's relief, the telephone
rang.
"Hello?' I answered, expectantly.
"Is this Bella Pizza?" the voice
from the handset replied.
"No, it's not," I answered, "and
I'm waiting for a phone call from
a secret contact. Do you mind?"
"You idiot!" replied my now
somewhat scary sounding conversant. "That was the password!
You were supposed to reply 'yes,
it is Bella Pizza, would you like
anchovies?' and I was supposed
to say 'anchovies, yes, I would
like seven.' and you were... oh
forget it! I'm outside your door
on my cellular. Let me in, it's
f&*Aing cold out here. Moron."
For reasons of national security, I
cannot repeat the conversation
which followed. That, and the
fact that after we consumed several bottles of cheap Bulgarian
whisky and more than one airline-sized bottle of T can't believe
it's not Irish Cream,' things got a
bit hazy. Something about a goat
and a frisbee, but don't quote me
on that.
Needless to say, my arguments
were clear and concise, and my
associate agreed to pull some
strings. The well-greased gears of
bribery and corruption went to
work, and legislation was quickly
and quietly passed. The nation's
half-people breathed a half-sigh
of relief as they were finally given
the vote, the right to work, and
distinct society status. My job was
done.
Don't believe me? Next time
you're in a restaurant, notice that
there are now half orders of
everything available for half the
price. Coincidence? I think not.
6" subs, Junior Juice boxes, and
those plastic cups they have at
the Arts bzzr garden — all evidence of the growing recognition
of half-men and half-women as
important parts of the commercial base.
The change is even evident here
on campus. Check the back of the
referendum supplement which
came out just before the recent
elections. And I quote:
"CITR is one of the largest campus community/community stations in Canada. The way we kept
our cost down is by only having
1.5 staff."
Next time you're in the SUB, go
up to CITR and see for yourself.
His name is Jo Smi and he's one
of the first 'whole-body limited'
workers on campus. He has one
arm, one leg, and only half a
brain, but he can sure spin a good
tune, thanks to a prosthetician
who was willing to give him a
hand. Jo is living proof that 'hal-
fies' can live and work among us,
with a little support from caring,
selfless individuals like myself.
REFERENDUM
SCIENCE
UNDERGRAD
SOCIETY
During Science Week 1996, the Science Undergrad Society will hold a referendum to
increase the SUS fee by $2 (from $10 to $12). This fee increase will allow SUS to
continue:
50% Sports Rebates, The 432, Grants to Science Clubs, Science Week, Bzzr Gardens
as well as many other SUS services.
ALL WEEK: SUB Concourse & Chem • 12:30-2:30
MON: Magic Show •12:30-1:30
MON: Movie Night • 4:30-5:30
WED: Beyond First Year • 12:00-2:30
WED: Car Rally & Bzzr Garden • 6:00-10:00
JANUARY 22-26
V<> PAGES
H       E
JAN 22,1996
;T*S£iT_N£E
\, w   <n!V_,^^B ^m_-«^™ jBfT^^-
JOHN TRAVOLTA MOVIE NITE
4:30 - 12:00 • SUB BALLROOM
CHEMISTRY MAGIC SHOW
12:30-1:30-CHEM 150
MON
22
RECE.PTION WITH CHRIS
CARTER, EXEC PROD OF THE X-
FILES AND HONOURARY KINO
OF SCIENCE WEEK
2:30-4:30 • SUB PARTYROOM
PHYSSOC PAPER
AIRPLANE CONTEST
HEBB THEATRE ♦ 12:30 -1:30
TUE
23
PRE-MED GURNEY RACE
MAIN MALL OUTSIDE CHEM
11:30-12:30
BEYOND FIRST YEAR
SCIENCE
SUB BALLROOM
12:00-2:30
WED
24
COMPSCI CAR RALLY
SUB PARTYRM • 6:00 -12:00
BIOSOC GYOTAKU
SUB 207/209-12:30 - 5:30
SUS TRIKE RACE
SUB SOUTH PLAZA
1:30-2:30
THU
25
EGG DROP CONTEST
HEBB THEATRE -12:30-1:30
BIOSOC GYOTAKU
SUB 207/209 • 11:30 - 5:30
BIOSOC GYOTAKU * 11:30 - 5:30
TWISTER • SUB 205 • 12:30 - 2.30
MICRO HOMEBREW CONTEST
WESBROOK4:30-6:30
FRI
26
SCIENCE WEEK DANCE
WITH RAINBOW BUTT
MONKEYS
7:00 -12:00 SUB BALLROOM
TIX AT TICKETMASTER
SUS OPEN HOUSE
CHEMB160
(MOVIES, FOODS, FUN!)
9:00-r5:00
ALL
WEEK
DEPARTMENTAL
CONCOURSE DISPLAYS
SUB CONCOURSE
10:30-4:30
JAN 22 - 26 JAN 22,1996
T       H       E
2
PAGE 9
tEWING
Anirne Jvanai
2545 Renfrew Street
(at Broadway)
\   Vancouver, BC
V5M 3M3
Phone: 253-7831
BBS: 254-1833
Best Selection or Japanese
Animation In the Lower Mainland
posters, model hits, mangas
comics. PC Engine games
compact discs, cards
Description of
Events.
DAILY
MONDAY
Chemistry Magic Show
Free munchies will be given to the
first 143.2 people
Chem B1S0,12:30pm
free admission
Movie Night
A Tribute to John Travolta, who
has absolutely nothing to do with
science. Watch Grease, Saturday
Night Fever, and Pulp Fiction.
Admission is $3 or free, if you
dress up like a character in any of
the three movies.
SUB Partyroom, 4:30pm-12:30pm
Meet Chris Carter
This year's Honorary President of
Science week is Chris Carter, best
known for his work as creator and
executive producer of the X-Files.
SUB Partyroom, l:30pm-2:30pm
TUESDAY .	
Physsoc Paper Airplane
Contest
Test your paper folding skills.
Perfect for anyone who has ever
given in to the urge to throw a
paper airplane at a prof during
Physics class.
Hebb Theatre, 12:30pm
Pre-Med Gurney Race
A race around the boulevard on
Main Mall, on what has been
described as the "least race-worthy
apparatus ever constructed on
wheels." Excellent practice for PreMed keeners and future stunt people alike. Entry fee is $5 per team;
proceeds will go to BC Children's
Hospital.
Main Mall outside Chem, 1:30pm
WEDNESDAY
Concourse Displays
Come check out the different
departments in science.
SUB Concourse, 10:00am-4:30pm
Open House
Visit the offices of the Science
Undergrad Society, Chem B160,
9:30am-S:00pm daily. Lots of free
movies, cheap pop and food.
Beyond First Year
Don't know how to choose a specialization? Ask us now. Come listen to second year students, and
Deans speak on how to choose the
major that is right for you.
SUB Ballroom, 12:30pm-2:30pm
Biosoc Gyotaku
Come paint a t-shirt with a fish.
Really.
SUB 207/209 ll:30-S:30pm
Computer Science Car Rally
Follow the program and see how
far you can get. Entry fee is $12
per car (max. 4 people per car.)
Donations to the food bank will
also be accepted. Bzzr Garden to
follow (6:30pm)
SUB Partyroom, 6:00pm
THURSDAY
Biosoc Gyotaku
SUB 207/209 11:30-S:30pm
BPP Trike Race
An annual event, bigger and better
than ever. $40 entry fee per team,
all proceeds go to the BC Children's
Hospital. *Note: all entrants must
be taller than the elfs head to participate.
SUB Plaza, 1:30pm
FRIDAY	
Twister Contest
Self explanatory except first year
students are making the rules.
Clothing optional
SUB Partyroom, 12:30pm
Biosoc Gyotaku
SUB 207/209 ll:30-S:30pm
Microbi Homebrew Contest
Find out how your home made beer
stacks up. (Okay, it's just an excuse
for the judges to drink free beer.)
Entry fee of $5
Wesbrook 201, 4:30 - 6:30pm
The Science Week Dance
Come see the Rainbow Butt
Monkeys, with DDT and Sunfish.
Tickets $9 at the AMS Box Office
for students ($10 at Ticketmaster
outlets everywhere.) Comes complete with kickass bzzr garden.
SUB Ballroom, 8:00pm-Midnight
Friday
BOSTON PIZZA
LONDON DRUGS
VIDEOMATICA PAGE 10
H
E
2
JAN 22,1996
I'm late!
So I'm sitting here with last
week's 432 on my head for
inspiration, having just
stared at the "next deadline -Jan
12th" sign and noticing my calender quite plainly says Jan. 15th.
Obviously there's been a mistake
here. And although my first
impression was of an international conspiracy, or just some little
mischievous elves breaking into
my room to change the date on
my calender and such, thereby
altering the date as accepted by
all humanity in this time-zone, I
got over it. I'm late.
I'm never late. Or, I was never
late. Well, I'm rarely late, until
recently. Now I'm sometimes so
late as to never actually show up,
which I guess is pretty damn late.
In fact, I've already missed at
least 3 classes and such this term,
which is really highly unlike me.
Now I know that there's an
impression out there of women
being "fashionably" late after 3
hours of make-up alteration and
such, but since anyone who
believes this is Obviously not
intelligent enough to be in science I'll ignore that for now. In
fact, I'll try very hard not to discuss gender issues at all since I
probably would get more aggravated and annoyed writing about
it than you would reading about
it. All I know is that my father
once participated in a "Women
do math" conference, for which
he asked my input for the introductory speech. He ended up
explaining how his daughter
thought this whole thing was
quite stupid since everyone
except Barbie knew that women
do math (and even she knew
that, although I guess she
thought it was hard), and all
those women who do math and
such will probably just get ticked
off by the fact that some bureaucrat felt he had to give her permission.
I left most of that behind when I
came to university/except for at
least 3 notable exceptions:
1. Irritating conversations with
guys who believe the best way to
make a good first impression is to
spout some feminist dogma and
such.
2. English class, where you
inevitably discover in your first
essay that using "he" universally
is highly unacceptable, or perfectly fine, depending on your
teacher. This pretty much falls
into the category of "the world is
subjective, and therefore there
exits a multiplicity of meaning to
all things where significance is
determined wholly by the individual. Nonetheless, if your opinions happen to coincide with
what I believe, they are by definition more right and therefore get
a higher mark.", quoth the highly objective professor. I know at
least one other friend who's had
differing opinions with his oh-so-
open-minded teacher. Then
again, this friend seems to have a
hard time listening to the explanations of others, such as when
they tell him1 that since the actual nature of light as a wave or particle is in itself not highly understood, this leads to some pretty
sketchy and complex theories
describing its interaction with
matter - one of which would
involve absorbing and re-emitting
from a surface so quickly that it's
called "bouncing" - and can't
even grasp that "go ask someone
else" is a synonym for "ask some-
One who has a more thorough
knowledge of light", and not
"don't bug me". Geesh.
3. Scholarships for women in science. Okay, I'm a hypocrite. I
accepted them. I guess I'm also
human.
And now I'm a hypocrite again,
since I thought I believed that in
a short editorial, every sentence
should be witty, every word chosen with care, every sentiment
unique. Well, I've failed all three
of those, managed to write almost
solely on what I said I wouldn't,
used the phrase "and such" till it
probably sounds weird, and it's
already late, so I'll try and quit
while I'm not so far behind as I
could be. At least it's written, and
hell, that makes me feel productive (and such).
1 Note that the use of "him"
here is chosen purely for historical reasons, ie. that the masculan
pronouns be used to generically
specify any given person, and
may be replaced by him/her if
desired. Although it really is a
him.
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Lookout!
.*-"*■■*■*      •.
*                  *
i
.    '   -   V
ACADEMIC
ADVISING
Are you dissatisfied about academic
advising at UBC?
Now's your chance to speak out!
Complete a survey on academic
advising available from any Student
Senators.
As well, look for "Your Forum on
Academic Advising" coming soon to
the Student Union Building. Come
out and speak your mind.
For information, contact:
David Khan, Science Senator,
at 822-4235
Science Undergrad Society,
CHEM B160
David Culhane, Arts Senator
at 822-4405
Arts Undergrad Society, BUCH A207
SPEAK YOUR |
MIND!      I
or Roily
MllZZItGMIBi
6pm Wednesday January 24th
Bzzr Garden starts at 6:30pm
SUB Partyroom
> Ittareal ;
> p-twinl •
^^-
DRIVERS WANTED.
TM JAN 22,1996
H      E
2
PAGE 11
The Tei-roidsni Activity Page.
The world of international
terrorism can be a tough
business sometimes; frequently newcomers experience
feelings of frustration when their
demands are either brushed off,
or worse yet, ignored by the
authorities. In order to aid the
inexperienced, The 432 has published the first ever fill-in-the-
blanks threatening letter. All you
have to do is choose the most
suitable word from the list below,
cut it out, and paste it into the
appropriately numbered blank.
Good luck, have fun, and remember, never back down! They're
probably just as scared as you are
during a standoff.
TQh'A lette[g ft not • joke. If t^tfld nd
be taken l^^tly.^e, tye SSeSJbe|p of %
 1 i?«i(Jtibn of %
2 Lrfeont will no longed
toleg«te % cglgMto 3_ of
you® —4 .
^Jfe \\e$eby de|fl«nd:
% One fiSillibxi doll«p US in *|flWl
anfiS«fflked bill*
% ^fce ffiffledWe pele«te of «11 folftiQ*\
fpilbnep of 5
A 6 <$bfi|iete Wfty
enolgij 3«t to Jj«ke IT to
4*   A one t|Und|Jed jjetf e long $*ty to
7 ^bj!|lete]_/ /fee b/       8
5:  Enoqgij 9     to
 10 % ent^e Wettejln Wogjld.
Unle** tyefce dejj«nd* «Je fiBet Wftltin
twenty /ol® ijolip, We Will 11	
you® _ 12 _. OnQe «g«in, ty* *
not « joke. If oU® deg!«nd& «Je not gjet,
^^ffleto 13 .
\^e look /oppagjd to W rk/ng Wfty you
in tye ne«J /lltu|f e,
^e    _ 1 \?«Qion of tye
2 ■■■Gfcat. ■
1: Algerian, Somewhat Obtuse,
Totally Blott6,Fraflco-Terrorist
2: Palestinian liberation
Organization, Palistinian Liberace
Organization, High Pressure,
Reverse Peristalsis, Liberation de
Quebec
3: policies, behaviour, personal
hygiene
4: country, company, baby-sitter,
Lhasa Apso, silly english
Knnnights
5: 7-11, The rest of Canada, The
bathroom, The 432
6: helicopter, 747,1*74 VW van,
abnormally large pig
7: Libya, The Montreal Forum,
The Cheeze, Penticton
8: faw enforcement officers, kitty
litter, troops, weevils,
Anglophones
9: nuclear warheads, Spam
Lite™, Maudite, sea slugs
10: annihilate,nauseate, intoxicate, consume
ll:assassinate, kidnap, fondle
12:leader, pet baboon, buttocks
13: die, suffer, experience mild
discomfort
ABCOliPGllfl/Cl
Surplus Soviet Made
Weaponry!
• High Quality AK-47s!
• Low Mileage T-67s and T-80s!*
• One owner MIGs! Grandmother Driven!
• Quality American Hostages! Hardly Used!*
ORDERTODAY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST
* Some assembly required.
The Ayatollah has gone...
crazy CRAZY C RAZ Y!!
Fun with
Explosives!
Hi, everybody! Welcome to
Dr. Jack L. Carlos's explosive hour. Today, we tell
you how to mix several of my
very favourite incendiary chemicals. Remember, kids — don't try
this at home!
Explosive of the Week
AMMONIUM PICRATE!!
Ammonium picrate, also called
Magic Happy-go-boom powder, is
another safety explosive.lt
requires a substantial shock to
cause it to detonate, slightly less
than that required to detonate
ammonium nitrate. It is much
safer than picric add, since it has
little tendency to form hazardous
unstable salts when placed in
metal containers. Hazardous salts
are particularly obnoxious when
you get them in your underwear.
Ay-yai-yai! It is simple to make
from picric acid and clear household ammonia. All that need be
done is put the picric acid crystals
into a glass container and dissolve them in a great quantity of
hot water. Add clear household
ammonia in excess, and allow the
excess ammonia to evaporate.
The powder remaining should be
ammonium picrate. Or Kool-aid.
Historical Explosive
of the Week
MOLOTOV COCKTAILS
First used by Russians against
German tanks, Jhe Molotov cocktail is now exclusively used by
terrorists worldwide. They are
extremely simple to make, and
can produce devastating results.
By taking any highly flammable
material, such as gasoline, diesel
fuel, kerosene, ethyl or methyl
alcohol, lighter fluid, turpentine,
or any mixture of the above, and
putting it into a large glass bottle,
anyone can make an effective
firebomb. After putting the flammable liquid in the bottle, simply
put a piece of cloth that is soaked
in the liquid in the top of the
bottle so that it fits tightly.
Then, wrap some of the cloth
around the neck and tie it, but be
sure to leave a few inches of lose
cloth to light. Light the exposed
cloth, and throw the bottle. If the
burning cloth does not go out,
and if the bottle breaks on
impact, the contents of the bottle
will spatter over a large area near
the site of impact, and burst into
flame.
Flammable mixtures such as
kerosene and motor oil should be
mixed with a more volatile and
flammable liquid, such as gasoline, to insure ignition. A mixture
such as grease and gasoline will
stick to the surface that it
strikes,and burn hotter, and be
more difficult to extinguish. A
mixture such as this must be
shaken well before it is thrown.
Molotov cocktails are particularly
useful at campfires. Let the
boyscouts give it a try. They'll
build some wimpy little tee-pee
thing with kindlings Lob the
cocktail in. Now there's a party!
DISCLAIMER: Let's face it folks,
every five year old kid with internet
access can find the recipe for TNT as
easily as those pornos in Dad's sock
drawer. So if you think we're trying
to promote anarchy and violence,
you're right. But, you think we're
legally responsible, well, talk to
Reginald Dowl and Associates. And
if they're not home, talk to someone
who cares. PAGE 12
H
E
4
JAN 22,1996
Jay Hills Some
Space.
^I&MA-
Well, it's a brand new
year, and as the loyal
reader of this column of
excessive navel-gazing may well
have noticed that the ever-smiling Jay Garcia byline was absent
this past issue. (Why is my byline
ever-smiling anyway? Anyone
who knows me knows that I'm
nowhere near ever-smiling. Quite
the opposite really) Now, this
isn't the first time this has happened — in fact, the last time
that I missed being in print was
the '94 pre-Christmas issue. Then
again, that time, I had actually
written something, and were it
not for the fact that it wasn't
actually funny enough to have
gotten into the paper, you might
have very well ended up reading
about how I spent my Christmas
break (and exciting reading that
would have been, indeed).
This time, I just plain old missed
the deadline. Now, I could claim
that the shock of returning to
school and facing the electronic
tranquilizer that is Telereg had
paralyzed me entirely. Or that the
fact that I was actually getting
some decent grades (well, largely)
for the first time had managed to
numb the creative (hah!) center
of my brain. Or that a large
majority of my ever-dwindling
cognitive resources had been
taken up by my increasing preoccupation with a wonderful
young lady of my acquaintance.
Or that saucer aliens from the
frozen wastes of Edmonton had
kidnapped me and forced me to
watch endless reruns of Soul
Train 1990, Nia Peeples and The
Party Machine, and MTV's The
Grind, mixed in with a generous
amount of the Arsenio Hall Show.
The truth of the matter is that,
having partied almost seven days
a week, staying awake from noon
to dawn daily, over the period of
the holidays (well, at least during
the period that I wasn't working)
had taken its toll on me.
Now that I look back on it, I'm
cursing the stupidity of having
missed a deadline. The first week
back, there were so many tantalizing targets upon which I could
have taken many a gratuitous
pot-shot.
I mean, there's that whole
plethora of campus-related
annoyances from which really
base humour can spring. For
example, though it's been done
to death, there's the "beginning-
of-the-term, let's-see-if-we-can't-
rival-the-Bataan-Death-March
bookstore lineups". Or how about
the ever-unre^able Telereg? I'm of
the opinion that replacing the
386 computer that is Telereg's
heart and soul with something
more efficient, like say, a bunch
of grad students and a hamster-
powered difference engine. I'd
estimate the service would speed
up by an order of magnitude, or
more.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Many a load chock full 'o
ascerbic buckshot could have
been reserved for the new year
itself. Just look around at 1996!
Oddly enough, it bears an uncanny resemblance to 1995.
•Remember that Newt guy stirring
up all kinds of stuff south of the
border? Still there. Charles and Di
still on the rocks (though some
would say that they were more
"beached and left to flop around
to dry in the sun" would be more
appropriate)? Yep. The federal
government still shafting post-
secondary students out of one
hundred and eighty million dollars? Definitely. NDP members
furiously trying to cover up their
tracks? You bet. And how about
the almost-sheepish campaigns
being held by the few candidates
for the position of premiere?
Ain't politics wonderful?
On that topic, there's the entire
student government / apathy situation. No, I'm not going to rant
and rave at you about going out
to vote and get involved and all
that. Blair's previous editorials do
that fairly well on their own, and
no doubt many an incumbent
has already tried to repeat this
message to your average lecture-
hall crowd, forgetting that it's
damn near impossible to entertain people with the average
attention span of a tumble-weed
and still get the message out.
Well, that's not true. I'm not
being fair to tumbleweeds. Oh
well. I'm sure that the student
body has far better things on its
collective mind. You know, Bzzr
gardens, Pit nights, that cute babe
sitting near the back of your
Biology class. The fact that the
concept of the joke slate seems to
have taken off so well this year is
largely indicative of the attitude
of many a student of this campus.
The actions of student government are almost practically invisible to your average student, as
the only ones who care and pay
attention end up in some sub-
facet of student government or
another. Well and good, but what
about the other 98 percent of you
out there?
In any case, from here I can predict the result of this years elections. The majority of the vote
will end up going to the previously unknown dark horse, the
Spoils party.
So In closing, I've got only two
things to say: Apathy slate in '96!
And don't miss your deadlines.
Deadline for our special
(l/aLcintlnEi J^au U±±us
Offering 3 lines free (25 words) to send a special message to
your significant other on February 14th. E-mail directly to
blairmcd@unixg.tibc.ca or drop off at CHEM B160 before
February 7th.
Wednesday
February 7th
SCIENCE WEAR
THE FOUR BASIC ELEMENTS
SCIENCE
UBC
©
SHARTByRY
Science Week 1996 t-shirt
Black and blue, only $10
■
K321
100% FUNDED BY
NDP CHARITY
MONEY. BINGO!
1
■
Limited Edition The 432 staff t-shirts.
Only 36 in existence!
$20 each, XL only JAN 22,1996
H
E
4       3       2
PAGE 13
Mystery... stuff.
As everyone already knows,
McDonald's has landed in
our own village, making
Filets'o'Fish and Quarter
Pounders accessible to all. The
franchise is viewed.with hostility
by many students, particularly
those involved with the Student
Environment Centre (SEC) or the
AMS, who claim (and rightfully
so,) that the new McDonald's will
take away from AMS business,
reducing not only revenue, but
the number of student jobs available. The management at
McDonald's has attempted to
make amends by offering free
fries to students when they present their student cards. Ya gotta
give them credit for trying. There
is, however another group of students: those who really don't care
about all this one way or the
other, and know only that it's
now a hell of a lot easier to get a
Big Mac than it was this time last
year.
While I must confess that I do
eat at McDonald's occasionally,
and while I also confess to loving
the idea of a meal that comes
with a toy in a brightly coloured
box, I gotta say that the place
kinda scares me. Yes, I believe in
promoting student jobs, but my
argument with McD's lies more
on the level of "Pit burgers are
just... better." See, when I go into
the Pit, and I order a hamburger,
they give me a little number and
say "we'll call you when it's
ready." Having nothing better to
do, I usually stand around and
watch them take the meat (which
is red,) and put it on a grill (under
which there is fire,) until it is
cooked (when it turns brown,)
after which they put it on the
bun, and give it to me. Nothing
could be simpler.
Then there's McDonald's.
Supporters are always talking
about how great it is that no matter where you are in the world,
you can walk into a McDonald's,
order a hamburger, and expect it
to be the same as the one at
home. I can vouch for that. I've
been into a franchise in
Singapore, and the only differ
ence I could spot (or taste,) was
the fact that you could get hot
sauce if you wanted. Even the
beige McDonald's chairs were cast
from that same, uncomfortable
mold as the ones at home. For
those not up on their geography,
Singapore is a small island state
just south of Malaysia. They don't
have cattle farms there. Do people not find it even mildly disconcerting that the food in a
McDonald's in a country that has
completely different local cuisine
and no cows serves food identical
to those in Canada?
So I walk into McDonald's, say
the one on Broadway. I look at he
menu, and for roughly the same
price as a Pit Burger with
beefeater fries and a Nestea™, I
can get a Big Mac Meal deal, complete with undercooked, oversalt-
ed french fries and an orange pop
that someone has been forgetting
to carbonate since I can remember. Unlike the Pit, my order is
ready instantly. There are a couple of other differences that I
haven't mentioned yet. Both
have to do with the "meat": First,
there's less of it, and it isn't that
healthy cooked beef brown
colour, but more of a cross
between tan and gray (ick).
Second, I have absolutely no idea
what colour it was to start. Know
why? Because no matter in all the
McDonald's outlets I have been to
in my twenty-one years on this
earth, I have watched people put
that weird orange sauce on hamburgers, make french fries, and
dispense ice cream, but never,
ever seen anyone cooking meat
of any kind. This, to my mind is
rather inconsistent with the concept of a restaurant whose specialty is beef products. All I'm
gonna say is this: at Harvey's, and
the Pit, and most independent
Burger restaurants, for that matter, they seem to be pretty proud
of putting the flame broiler where
you can see it. I'm sure that if
McDonald's wanted us to see
what they do with their meat,
they'd put it where we could see
it.
And with that, I'm off to cook
myself a vegetarian stir-fry for
dinner. I don't think I could handle eating meat right now.
Dr. McBride is currently up for
reappointment as the Dean of
Science
THE DEAN
OP THE
FUTURE
Meets or exceeds all
1996 emission
standards.
Slices, dices and does
julienne fries!
Incorporates new digital
technology for superior
performance.
Increased fuel capacity.
ACTUAL DEAN MAY VARY
ill
MCBRIDE
2000
ORDER YOUR
DEAN TODAY! PAGE 14
H      E
JAN 22,1996
Apologies.
Fahreen Dossa
A sl:
bee
rati
: sit here in my hospital
bed recovering from my
..rather, um, unfortunate
accident that took me completely
by surprise (see cover), I have had
time to do some charcoaled navel
gazing.
One of the things I realized
almost immediately was that hospital food, when combined with
sulfur and charcoal, makes an
excellent substitute for the guano
component of gunpowder. I also
discovered that empty IV drip
bags make superb containers for
homemade explosive devices.
All this lead me to the conclusion that sometimes I do things
that might just possibly insult or
offend people. And what do I
have to say about it? "Bugger pff.
The lot of ya." Just kidding.
This leads to the topic of apologies, and embarrassment in general. It takes a lot of courage to
walk up to some one and admit
that you were/are wrong to
his/her face. It takes even more
courage to publish a similar
retraction in an unnamed biweekly publication of some sort. The
kind of courage I just don't have.
Admitting that your plan to
replace Chretien's brain with that
of a dead lab rat might have been
a wee bit misguided is the first
step to recovery. However,
according to popular belief, the
next step is 20 odd years in
prison.
The problem with identifying
that you're wrong is that 90% of
the time you simply don't realize
it and usually wind up digging
yourself in deeper by either grinding salt into existing wounds or
by criticizing some one's deity.
So how do you know when you
should apologize? You don't, but
you can construct a probability
chart to determine when a likely
time to kiss butt might arrive.
While the intricacies of determining when to say you're sorry
are still a mystery to me, I have
noted times when an apology
might increase the desirability of
your situation.
A few examples of times when
an apology might be useful:
• You have been captured by radical Muslim fundamentalists
whose last words to you were
"Mohammed's mother did what
for livestock?"
• Shortly after referring to Mike
Tyson as "whistle-breath" in per
son.
• After using your own air raid
so i see-ftv
klaxon in a nuclear weapons silo.
• After blaming your political
failure on the ethnic and affluent
vote.
• After responding honestly to
the question "Am I fat?"
Now we know when to apologize
and for what. But we have no
idea how to apologize yet.
The standard sappy formula fits
the vein of "I'm sorry I <insert
grief causing activity hero,
dear/hohey/sir/almighty captors."
Sadly, this doesn't seem to be
enough in most cases. The person/group you have insulted may
require something closer to direct
groveling in order to forgive you
or at least belay your imminent
disembowelment.
I have found through direct and
rather unpleasant experience that
the best way to carry out the
actual apology is to instantly
drop to yOur knees whist sobbing
"Oh please don't kill/torture/
leave me. I was stupid and didn't
know what I was doing. Oh
please forgive me!!"
For most suave folks like myself,
however, this doesn't maintain
the best possible image. So now
we must find a way to apologize
without degrading ourselves.
I'm afraid there isn't.
Apologizing is admitting that
you're wrong. Admitting that
you're wrong is equivalent to
showing a weakness. And showing a weakness is something best
left... well, best left undone.
At least that was the policy of
the US Government during the
1980s. Considering where it got
them, maybe we should apologize
like mad. I don't know.
"Aaarggh. I don't know what I'm
doing."*
• Simpsons reference for you culturally disadvantaged folks out
there.
Social Coordinator
Yo Party People! (That means
YOU) This is a message
from your friendly neighbourhood soco. I've been
dragged from the depths of the
Drawers by my right hand man.
(The one that's a woman.) She
informed me that I'd best be getting my act together (it is after
all, 2nd term) and start revealing
the history of SUS "sociality" that
has accumulated thus far.
At times like these, I suppose it's
wisest to start right from the Big
Bang. Well, things have been
rolling right along since
Oktoberfest way back in...guess it
must've been October eh? For all
those who...er...remember the
night, can testify that it was no
shabby show, thanx to the awesome efforts of my trusted predecessor, Matty Wiggin.
November appeared shortly
thereafter, bringing Karaoke and a
grand ol' time....for SUS anyway.
(Due to "unforeseeable circumstances", something other than
us happened (oh the blasphemy!)
to breach the proud and previously long upheld tradition of
nothin' ever happenin' in Nov.)
But don't fear Karaoke-lovers!
Rumours of MORE KARAOKE
(see Feb.) are floating around
somewhere's.... So back to our
Social History 101. Wait a sec.
Forget the history lesson! We all
KNOW the SUS X-mas party has
proved (history repeating itself,
no doubt) that our humble abode
here at Chem 160 can handle a
wild time (after patiently, quietly,
and heroically resigning itself to a
good, healthy dose of wreckage...). What we are all interested
in, of course, is the history IN
THE MAKING, the partying
THAT'S YET TO BEGIN, the
FUTURE of the one and the
social.... Well, I've been advised
to strongly suggest you get keen,
mean, and lean, so you can listen
up to this year's most awesomest
and coolest event: SCIENCE
WEEK '96 presents the Rainbow
Butt Monkeys at the Science
Week Dance, Friday Jan. 26th.
And that's not even all folks!
Following this ultimate party
event are even MORE bzzr gardens in particular the No Class in
Feb., and the Penultimate in Mar.
So STAY TUNED as SUS party's
on!!!!
o\(fc\|.
AA
aJ
I
6
v>
WHO'S WALKING WITH
YOU?
TO YOUR CAR
TO YOUR CLASS
TO RESIDENCE
TO THE LIBRARY
TO THE BUS LOOP
FROM ANYWHERE TO ANYWHERE ON CAMPUS
FOR STUDENTS, STAFF
AND FACULTY
DON'T WALK ALONE
CALL SAFEWALK • 822-5355
HOURS OF OPERATION
Mon - Sat    5pm - 1 am
Sunday       5pm - 11 pm
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM THE 432
*Jiffw& V\t>\ JAN 22,1996
T      HE
4       3       2
PAGE 15
The Drawers of SUS,
Tracy MacKinnon
President
Happy Science Week! At last
the coolest week of the
year has arrived! I hope
you'll come out to some of the
many exciting events planned for
this year. I'm sure they'll be
described in many other parts of
the paper so I won't go into them
here.
This seems to be the year of the
referenda. During Science Week
the SUS will be holding a
Referendum to try to increase the
undergraduate science fee $2 (i.e.
from $10 to $12). This is important if the SUS is to continue providing the following: 50% sports
rebates, the 432, the Summer 432
which is mailed out to incoming
science students, grants for
Science clubs, bzzr gardens,
Science Week, cheap photocopies, free phone, email hookup,
etc, etc. We can no longer afford
to provide all these services to science students, let alone implement any new programs.
Therefore, Vote Yes! If you have
any questions, just drop by the
SUS Office (Chem 160) or call
822-4235.
Other tidbits completely unrelated to Science Week. Anna is now
our official Amazon Warrior
Woman Representative to SUS (it
was passed by Council in the second week of January - we don't
have many serious motions - it's
more fun that way). She's looking for an assistant with whom to
create an Amazon Society for the
1990's. Applications may be
directed to SUS. Crackerboy® is
on his own now as Superanna!™
has ruthlessly tossed him aside to
find another sidekick.
Jay Garcia
Internal Vice .President
Hi diddly ho neighbors!
Come on over and have a
scrumptilicious glass of
lemonade. Well, enough of the
Flanders thing. The First Year
Committee had a bake sale last
week that was more or less well
attended (emphasis on less).
Well, things will be better in the
upcoming weeks. FYC's planning
a movie night, but first comes the
abso-diddly-lutely wonnerful FYC
sponsored Beyond First Year
event at Science Week (one of
three, but more on that later). If
you're one of the driven, ambitious folk who want to find out
more about the various departments in this great big faculty,
then come on out to the event.
Heck, come on out if you're just.
curious. It's usually a big help in
deciding which paths you'll eventually want to follow. It's on
Wednesday, January 24th, from
12:00 to 2:30 in the SUB
Ballroom. Additionally, the FYC's
got a display on the main concourse, with info on SUS and the
FYC in general, and on Friday, in
the partyroom, at around noon,
we've got Twister! Back after popular demand.
There's other stuff too, but I'm
operating on a nutritional deficiency and my memory's shot.
Being awake until four most
mornings and then getting up at
seven may also have something
to do with it. Remember, If
you've got any questions about
what we can do for you (here at
SUS and in general, if you're really nice), come on down to Chem
B 160 and look for a dazed guy
playing Tetris on one of the Macs,
mumbling incoherently.
Finances.
REVENUE
Budget
to Jan 10
Prior fiscal
2000
6066.73
Fees
45000
37242.00
Misc revenue
100
117.23
Photocopier revenue
2300
401.75
Pop machine revenue
2200
1426.25
Revenue total
51600
45313.96
EXPENSES
Telephone
720
294.20
Office supplies
600
148.39
Misc
1000
388.74
Photocopying
600
-   :
Travel
200
-
Photocopier expense
3000
2577.36
Open House expense
500
-
Computing
500
16.00
Public relations
200
Elections expense
800
.    •-
Club grants
6400
3054.00
Special projects
1200
410.37
Pop machine expense
2300
686.94
Academic:
500
412.97
Academic entertainment
700
-
Social (net)
3500
3066.10
Science Week (net)
4000
71.23
First year committee
1000
275.61
SUS Sports
10000
6000
SUS Publications
8000
8000
Summer Publications
4000
4000
Marting Frauendorf bursary
1000
Expenses total
50720
29392.91
Net surplus
880
15921.05
Anna Carvalho
Public Relations Officer
It's amazing how quickly these deadlines creep up. I skipped the
last issue, hoping that I could find something of substance to
report, this space supposedly reserved for a report and not just
another bit of blathering about what's going on in my life. (Heck, for
that you can just listen to Bork! Bork! Bork!—still every Thursday at
5:10 p.m. on CiTR 101.9FM,. <plug, plug, plug>).
By the time you read this, Science Week will be well underway, so do
get out an enjoy it. There's tons of fun events, so grab a couple of
friends and wander on by. If you do nothing else, at least stop by the
SUS Open House and grab some free munchies and watch a movie or
two or six (ask John about the Star Trek-a-thon of a couple years back).
I'll not go into any more details, there'll be plugs aplenty throughout
this issue. I will, however, encourage you to vote "Yes" in the referendum, so that the SUS will continue to be able to provide the many services that we do.
In other news, according to my personal psychic, we should soon
have Instabeer in the office Coke machine. I'm presently in the midst
of tracking down the rather elusive purveyor of said Instabeer, but
assuming the soothsayer's correct, we will have the machine set up so
that those of us who pump quarters into the machine on a daily basis
can instead have an account from which we debit each time we get a
drink. We're going to defile the intent of Instabeer (designed by an
electrical engineer who wanted quick and easy access to beer) by also
having InstaPop. yay! So we should soon have quick and easy access
to Dr. Pepper (shhh! don't tell the Coke people!).
I'm sitting here, trying to think of what is listed in my portfolio as
duties of the Public Relations Officer, and what I've actually done.
Hmmm....Oh! I remember why I'm not doing anything—let me tell
you the Saga Of The Blood Donor Clinic.
For many years now, during Science Week, the Red Cross has held a
Blood Donor Clinic. This year's clinic was scheduled 16 months
ago...we even changed Science Week from the third to the fourth week
of January for them. They apparently quite forgot about us, and when
contacted in December, we were told "Oh, we're not doing that anymore." When I asked why they didn't deem in necessary to tell us
these minor details, the woman just about broke down crying. So I
comforted her and now we remain bitter towards the Red Cross, but
we just won't tell them.
As a final note, my suporanna!™- (SUPERANNA™) Blair—don't you
dare change that to a capital! it's all lowercase, OK? hero character has
been officially changed by Council to an Amazon Warrior Woman.
(Don't ask.) I was fairly concerned until Council passed a friendly
amendment that stated I wouldn't have to self-mutilate. Regardless of
what superanna!™ is considered to be, I'm still gonna get me a cape (I
just don't think I'd be comfortable wearing only leaves), even if it
might get in the way of my official duties (my mandate is to rescue
our official tanking lackey, Hiro, from Engineers).
So that's the scoop from your friendly PRO...see y'all at all the Science
Week events! PAGE 16
H      E
4       3
JAN 22,1996
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