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UBC Publications

The 432 Jan 17, 1990

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Science Week
Science Week 1990 kicks off Monday,
and SUS Internal Vice Antonia Rozario,
thinks it will be the best ever. The biggest
Science Week yet, the highlights will include, an interdepartmental trike race, a
blood drive, and a rocking Extravaganza
dance to be held at the end of the week.
Science Week runs from Monday Jan
22 to Friday Jan 26. The theme will be
"2015 - Prospects for Scientific development. " In 2015, the university will be 100
years old. This year's Science Week will
ponder what the world will be like then.
The new Dean of Science, Dr Barry
McBride will be the honorary president
for the week.
"Since 1966, Science Week has been a
yearly tradition," says Rozario. "It's
always been the brightest week of the
academic year for many students. It's the
showcase of the faculty."
When asked to compare the merits or
Science Week with that of Engineering
Week, Rozario chose not to comment.
Throughout the SUB, there will be departmental displays dealing with the
theme of Science Week.
Other events will include the famous
Chemistry Magic Show, the historic
Physics Airplane Contest, and the infamous Microbiology Homebrew Contest.
The SUB auditorium will have a Science
Movie Night, showing Bladerunner and
The Abyss.
It all climaxes on Friday night, when
Science holds its biggest blowout of the
year, The Extravaganza Dance, featuring XYZ. The doors open at 8:00 and the
dance runs through until midnight. 8:00
until 8:30 is Happy Half-Hour. All "refreshments" will be half-price.
Will Physics shake
the Jinx?
Will Physics shake the jinx?
Since the SUS Trike Race was first held, the
Physics trike team has claimed to have won
the championship each year, but through twists
of fate, victory was snatched away.
In 1988, after winning the final heat in the
fastest yet recorded lime, the title was snatched
away by race officials. In a controversial
decision, it was judged that Physics had an
ineligible team member. Physics' professor
had dropped out at the last minute and was
replaced by an additional graii student. Competitors cried foul, and the officials agreed.
Physics was disqualified.
1989 would prove to be the most exciting
Trike Race ever. In the elimination round, the
competition was fierce. Physics, favored by
many, was fresh and ready. But they had not
accounted for Computer Science, sporting a
team of youth and vigor.
After the first few lengths, CompSci began
to build on its slim lead. When the last length
came, CompSci had a good three second lead.
It was then that Physics made its move. Aaron
Drake, riding anchor, took off with grim determination.
What followed is still talked ab out in the
halls of Hennings. Drake, showing true expertise, glided around the pylons like a man
possessed. The crowd was hushed. Drake
.     ■     -J"   -I
closed the gap, and teat CompSci to the line by
two one hundredths of a second. "It was incredible," Don Hitchen remembers. " Aaron rode
that trike like it was an extension of his body. It
was inspiring."
Physics had the momentum entering the championship round. Then, in a move that still is
questioned today, race officials switched the
hikes of Biology and Physics. Although Physics protested, the officials would not listen.
When the race began, Physics jumped into an
early lead which they held throughout. When
the last length came, victory seemed assured.
But disaster struck. The trike broke down. The
handlebars disintegrated and there was no way
to steer the trike around the pylons. Biology
swept past Physics to win the title.
This year, the physics team is dramatically
different No longer is the hunger for victory so
prominent "Why should we spend months in
training, like we did the last two years?" argued
Andrew Hodgson. "They '11 just figure out some
way to disqualify us or sabotage us. It's a conspiracy."
Whatever the outcome of this year's race, one
thing is certain. There will be a definite winner:
the Children's Hospital receives all the proceeds that can be raised by the event, as well as
the trikes and stuffed animals.
Appoints New
Assistant Dean
UBC - Dean of Science Spokesperson Susan
Saatchi announce yesterday that they have
appointed Tammy Faye Bakker Assistant
Dean. Commencing January 17, Tammy
Faye will assume the post, which carries a
substantial salary and expense account well
into seven figures.
The scientific community formally expressed dismay at Bakker's appointment.
Two months earlier, the community had
recommended General Noriega for the
position. In a brief letter to Dean of Science
McBride, signed "the Scientific Community," the appointment was harshly criticized as patronage.
Dean of Science McBride, currently running for office in Romania, could not be
reached for comment. Spokesperson
Saatchi, however, defended Tammy
Bakker's appointment. "Noriega was right
at the top of our list, yes. We know he would
have been a great asset for us, especially for
the Pharmaceutical department. Tammy
Faye needed a job, okay?"
Stressing the positive aspects of Bakker,
Saatchi stated that the students of UBC
needed apositiverole model. 'Tammy plans
not only to set up a trust fund which she will
personally handle, but plans to lecture. UBC
is proud to announce that the 1990-91 session will have Theatrical Cosmetics 101 as
a mandatory course for all first-year students."
In other developments, Ari Giligson repeatedly denied that he and Tammy were
secredy having a relationship? "Are you
kidding?" he laughed. "That's a joke. It's
purely sexual."
*' •     -J ■ i
Dik Miller
applies for a
Page 3
Week at a
6 and 7
f ^
for $)an
^■iiiimmiiitiimw Wni
,N. f)T£lH ^ t^Qfer
January 17, 1990 Editor's
A few thank-you notes are in order for
presents received. Being incurably lazy,
I'll cram kail here in lieu of areal editor's
Mom: thank you for the electric wok.
You know how people always complain
about never having a bowl big enough for
their breakfast cereal? You won't hear
that from me any more! Now if I can just
figure out how to make pizza with it.
Sis: thanks for the Ouija board. I'll
spend countless entertaining hours mystified over how in the heck it got the name
Dad: thank you for the auto-focus,
built in zoom, self-winding, 35 mm camera. Hope you liked the socks and underwear.
My Physics 400 professor: thanks for
the fail. Your present will be a little delayed. Better get some house insurance.
Grandma: Mittens. Again. Wool mittens that are too small and have one
thingy for the thumb and a flipper for the
other four fingers. Again. Thanks.
My oldest brother: thanks for not get-
ting me underwear, because -
My youngest brother: thanks for the
underwear. No, really, I like polka dots.
Jolly ol' Nick dropped by and left me
a stocking overflowing with underwear
and cologne. The cologne always has
some exotic name like Blue Machismo,
or Eau de Goughougheau. If they everput
out Quaker State Aftershave, I'll bet dollars to donuts that I end up with a six-pack
hanging from the mantel. I actually did
try some of this Blue Machismo. It wasn't
too bad, but I've lost my sense of smell,
and the dog won't stop licking my hand.
I've found myself looking forward to
the little personal handwritten notes that
Santa leaves me every year. This year, the
note said, "Just say NO to drugs and
premarital sex."
Come to think of it, Santa would get a
kick out of how similar his handwriting is
to my mother's.
Ho Ho Ho.
It seems the passage of every year
brings the unique characters out of the
woodwork. I remember last year that
someone predicted that Ronald Reagan
would be exposed as a closet negro. The
wackier theprediction, the larger the print
it gets in a paper. Here we are at the doorsteps of a new decade, and the walls are
trembling as all these unique people
squeeze out of the knots and pores of the
Antonia Rozario (Executive Vice)
predicts that the Berlin Wall will be torn
down and replace by a nice picket fence
with shrubs and magnolias.
Martin Frauendorf (CSSS President)
predicts that Elvis will pilot the first
manned mission to Mars.
Ari Giligson (President) predicts that
they will decipher the human gene and
find a way to white people rhythm.
Catherine Rankel (Internal Vice) predicts that Peter hamilton of LifeForce
will be force-fed fifty post cards
The first paper of the nineties.
Wheel Did you know that I am
not getting paid for this?
Dear sir,
I first heard about the massacre of 14
female engineers, in Montreal .from a
friend on the phone while I was still
studying on campus. The news was so
shocking that I could't share it with friends
around me. I was disturbed. It could
have happened at UBC, it could have
happened to my friends, it could have
happened to me. In the vacuum of exams
I heard little more of the incident.
The next day a male friend asked me:
"Aren't you afraid as a woman?" My
reaction was: Why? Should I be afraid?
This was an isolated incident. The victims could have been any distinguishable
group of people, right?
That day I paid closer attention to the
incident on the news. A young woman
stated, 'This is merely an extension of
daily violence on women. This is nothing
more than an extreme case of what happens to women every day." Women's
groups were angry. They cried the message, "We're not going to take it from
men, anymore!" In the televised Montreal candlelight walk for the victims I
saw men walking beside women. I saw
men and women crying on national television for daughters, sisters and friends.
Yet men were not allowed to join the
Vancouver vigil.
In speeches I heard references to wife
beating, inequality, and Chantal Daigle.
Somehow, amongst all of this I didn'tget
it. What was I supposed to be afraid of?
What does Marc Lepine have to do with
Chantal Daigle? Then when a blonde
anglo-saxon woman stated, "For the first
time I find myself in a group that is
targeted," it all suddenly made sense. I
imagined what the national reaction would
have been if members of an ethnic minority group were the victims. Inquiries
would be made into racism. Education
programs would be launched. Questions
would be raised about society's prejudices against the group.
The group that Lepine targeted
wasn't a minority.   Women make up
fifty-four per cent of the Canadian population. Hatred of women is common. It
is taken for granted. We are all aware that
women are beaten, assaulted, earn less
money than men, are in fewer high level
positions — similar to the position of
many ethnic minority groups earlier in
the century. We shake our heads, sympathize, and then accept. The actions of
Marc Lepine were extreme and unlikely
to be repeated by anyone else. Yet the
fundamental attitudes that molded him
are still present in our society. I don't
believe in general are to blame. We are
all individuals, each of whom feel some
degree of prejudice against some group
of people. Women and men are equally
to blame. Extreme feminist groups feel
existing prejudice by their blanket hatred
of men, while groups like REAL Women
fuel it by reinforcing the idea that all
women should be barefoot, pregnant, and
in the kitchen.
As a member of an ethnic minority —being a target of discrimination is
not new to me. The discrimination against
me as a women is new. It has always been
inevident to me. Women groups seemed
to be crying out against problems that did
not seem to exist in my world. The
Montreal Massacre is a shocking reminder that they do exist
Susan Saatchi
SUS Sales Manager
Dear sir,
As a woman, I would like to apologize to men for the stance that many
members of my sex have taken on the
massacre at L'Ecole Polytechnique de
Montreal. This was a random act, performed by a psychotic individual, which
could have been directed at any visible
group in society. In this case, the target
happened to be women.
While I would never deny the fact
that all women face problems in the world,
from those whe are raped or beaten, to
those who are fighting to make a name for
themselves in the male-dominated world
of engineering, I do not feel that the
actions of an insane man should be accepted as proof of this. Nothing will be
achieved by hysterical reactions, and
inventing tenuous connections between
this event and the issue of equality of
women will only illegitimize a truly legitimate cause.
The exclusion of men from several of the vigils across the country was
deplorable. Does this mean thatmen have
no right to mourn a tragic loss of life?
What is the difference between this and
the prejudice against women which is
inherent in our society? Both are based
soley on gender, something over which
none of us have control.
I do see the events of December 6
as a reflection of problems inherent in our
society. There is no excuse for the attitude that anyone or any group in society
should be singled out as inferior, be they
women, jews, indians, hispanics,
blacks,...the list goes on. I also feel that
we belong to a very violent culture, as is
particularly reflected by our media. Attempts to prevent the recurrance of such
an event should focus on these issues;
education programs promoting a humanist point of view would be a valuable
place to start. I do not hope to see prejudice eliminated from our society during
my lifetime, but we all have to start somewhere.
Since December 6, many people
have asked me if I am afraid as a woman,
particularly as a female Engineer. I am
afraid, but not because I am female-
nobody knows who will be the target of
the next homocidal killer who makes the
headlines. We should all be afraid.
Maria Lahiffe
Engineering 2
The 432 welcomes all letters
and will gladly publish them if
they don't offend the sensibilities of the editor. Of course, it
would have to be covered in
cattle manure to offend this
editor. So please send us something. Either drop it off at Chem
160 or mail it to us. Check out
the credits on the next page for
My Predictions: cIhe 1990 's.
by Aaron Drake
Sex will stage a remarkable comeback. Kim Basinger will star in a movie about having a child that she delivers late. It's
called 91/2 Months. Mindless cult followers will start the Church of John Belushi after someone claims to see his face appear
in a water-damaged plaster wall. George Bush will outlaw the Democratic Party. Tammy Faye Bakker will open a line of
waterproof cosmetics. Mikhail Gorbachev will win the Lotto. General Noriega will be freed because arresting officers forgot
to read him his rights. Bill Cosby will be exposed as a Grand Wizard. The Canucks will win the Stanley Cup.
I'm just kidding, of course.
The catch word of the 90's will be biodegradable. Unfortunately, another catchword of the 90's will be hypocrisy. While
many will protest the shameful degradation of the environment, they will not make the necessary sacrifices to save the world.
Hence there will be a great disturbance in the upper atmosphere: the magnetic field of the earth will be distorted until it is in
the shape of a giant toilet.
The republicans will keep a stranglehold on the White House, and corporate plunder will be a new catch word, as small
business suffocates under the weight of multinationals. Acid Rain will stay acidic, and Eastern Canada will taste like one big
On the other hand, the ozone won't be a catch word of the nineties, because it won't be there, except in the smog. The
greenhouse effect will be the big new phrase of the decade.
And while environmental action gronips will be prominent, the nineties will still see grassroots movements to conserve the
environment. As long as these environmental activist groups still view the government as an enemy, they will be ineffective,
rhetorical, and, eventually, tiresome. To truly be effective, the state of war against corporations that they've carefully
nourished and cultured must be dissol ved. Cooperation, in lieu of confrontation, will not be a word of the nineties.
Back Yards will take on an entirely different meaning; more precisely, it will be inexorably joined to Not In My. NIMBY
proponents will hinder any possible steps towards solutions to the homeless, toxic waste, and such.
The bright side of the nineties?
Peace and freedom. And that overshadows everything.
January 17, 1990 AA Mv Gm
Introducing Dr Greg, a noted TV and radio personality in Northern Greenland. A
theoretical physicist and self*proclaimed son of God, Dr Greg will answer those
seemingly impossible questions of modern life.
The Ballpoint Pen: What is it?
Ballpoint pens are much more complex than one may think. Erasable ballpoint
pens .are the male of ithe species and erasers are the females (that's right - contrary
to popular rations, erasers are of the phylum Stylo). When erasure (ballpoint sex)
occurs, tiny ink particles penetrate the porous surface of the eraser. The erasers,
once saturated with ink, gestate in landfills until the young are born. As the new
ballpoints reach maturity, they are mined by large consortiums such as Bic and Pa-
permate. Ballpoints confined too long in a bag or pocket may release ink prematurely - in layman's term, this is a 'pen explosion.'
Non-erasable pens aire sterile mutations, and their preponderance in the ballpoint
population is an example of the natural balancing principle known as homeostasis, which keeps the ballpoint population in check. Ballpoints havedeveloped into
a very useful item for humans. Humans aid the ballpoint in much the same way as
bees, who pollinate flowers in exchange for nectar. Proof of this theory can be
found in fossil records. Before men had evolved to the point where ballpoint pens
Dr Greg is nationally syndicated and the receives royalty
paycheques regularly for his invention of the electric toothpick
"Genius may have it's limitations, but stupidity is not thus
Elbert Hubbard
"Never underestinxth the power
of stupid people in large
JAN. 25th
12:30 - 2:30
50 Team Maximum, Up to 20 non-science teams
TEAM OF 6: 4 undergrads, 1 grad, 1 prof (lecturer or staff). Minimum of 1
female and 1 male per team (co-rec).
COST: S7 per person • includes a free socially acceptable t-shirt
REGISTRATION: Chem 160 (228-4235) Jan 15th - 23rd. Register early
All proceeds go to the children's hospital.
New Shoots
Episode 6: Causality
by David W. New
flltyonewho's studied any quantum physics knows that causality is a
ridiculously complicated thing which
nobody has ever understood or,
likely, even come close to understanding. Anyone who hasn't probably doesn't care: if you drop a
titanium brick onto your Stats
professor's head, the likelihood is
100% that you will not have a fun
time of things when he sues, and that
sort of intuition suffices for most
In quantum physics (and for
all I know, loads of other places too,
but hey, I'm biased), causality isn't
so simple. Everything's expressed in
terms of probability, and the only
way to predict what'll happen in an
experiment is to wait until it's already
happened, look, and write down your
prediction with yesterday's date.
Which won't fool anyone.
So generations of bright physics-types have spent thousands of
weeks and dollars figuring out just
what it means to say that something
happened. Since only a very few
things can happen in most subatomic
situations, and those with roughly
equal probabilities, what is it that
makes one event happen and not
another? Is it, as the eminent Dr.
Einstein championed, that we just
haven't figured out yet what variables
fiddle about and cause one photon to
do one thing and one to do another?
Or is it, as the equally eminent Dr.
Bohr suggested, that there's absolutely no reason at all and the universe is just basically fickle?
And what philosophies come
out of these notions? What do they
mean to the notion of free will?
Well, if there is a strict physical
reason for each subatomic particle to do
whatever it does, then that eliminates
free will right there. Sure, you decide
whether to drink two swigs of Coke or
just one before putting down the can;
you decide whether to perform cartwheels down the aisles of Sedgewick
during your lunch break. But it's
specific subatomic particles whizzing
about your synapses which make you
decide that, and if all physical processes are completely deterministic,
your final choice is made for you by the
combined weight of the universe's past.
You only think you had options open:
there's only one thing you could have
done, and if you knew your brain well
enough (and had a computer about the
size of the universe, but never mind
that), you'd be able to calculate what
that was.
If the universe is intrinsically
random, free will is again eliminated,
but in a different sense. There is no
way to predict what will happen in a
given situation, except through probabilities — sometimes one can assign
event C as the most likely thing to
happen in a given circumstance, perhaps. But if there's no way to determine for certain what will happen in a
quantum event, there's also no way to
control it, and your mind again ceases
to have any control over your actions. It
can only observe whatever it was it just
did and try to figure out why it did it.
Anyone who gets drunk a lot can
identify with this situation.
And there are other explanations
too. The vaunted (by science fiction
writers, anyway) many-worlds hy
pothesis says that in every quantum
event — whatever "event" means in
this context — the universe splits. If
anyone's watching said occurrence, one
copy of them will observe each possible result. But this only applies to
quantum processes! And most such
happenings cancel each other out: there
are so many going on everywhere, all
the time, that if one could travel from
one of these universes to another, one
would be hard-pressed to discover one
appreciably different from our own.
Only if, say, a nuclear war were
contigent upon a single, carefully
monitored quantum experiment would
a major difference show up. In the
logical world, though, nobody ever
decides anything based on fewer than a
trillion quantum results.
(And what does this mean for
free will? Clearly, of the two-to-the-
trillionth-power universe arising from
one decision, one can isolate maybe
five or eight different courses of action.
But do the individuals taking them have
any choice in the matter? Does consciousness split as well, giving eight
identical people who decided to have
different entrees at the Pit today, or
does a single consciousness choose
which body to follow along in? One
would rather believe the former —
certainly, most people I know would
rather they had some vestige of free
will — but it does horrible things to the
philosophy of social duty. Consider that
of the uncountable zillions of universes
which have been created during your
lifetime, of all the ridiculous numbers
of choices you and everybody else have
made... it's virtually a certainty that
you're the only person in this entire
universe whose consciousness inhabits:
it And that has the unfortunate consequence that you can basically do whatever you want to whomever you want
and morally get away with it, since
you're only hurting moving bodies,
carcasses in waiting who only act like
they're real.)
(Which is a horrible, atrocious
thing to believe. And besides that, if
any one of you is conscious right now,
it's just been disproved — since take
my word for it, / am. And two in one
world is one too many.)
(And another thing. If you're fh
only person actually alive in this
universe, then isn't much of it just you
own imagination's ramblings? And if
so, don't you think you could have
done a better job than this!)
If free will is to exist, in fact,
and not result in the notion that each
one of us lives in our own private
universe, there has to be a reason, a
consciously-controllable reason, why
one subatomic setup will produce one
result, but another, seemingly identical
one will produce another. And the
controlling consciousness itself must b
unaffected by these processes: to wit, i
each brain there must be some sort of
non-physical governing entity — not
just non-material, but non-physical,
transcending each one of the forces it
labours to comprehend. For the very
existence of free will, of choice, of a
universe not completely determined
either by the past or by the continuing
arbitrariness of a finagling cosmos, it i
necessary and sufficient that there be a
According to this, there are a zil
lion universes, each with a Dave
New in each one. A zillion Dave
News. Shudder.
January 17, 1990 Ifte Art of Science
v Do van *r
by Devan
Tie Mathematics of Humour
An Introduction to
Mathematical Logic
Part I: Methods of Proof
We'll start by defining some simple
terminology. A theorem is a statement of ideas that can be supported to
some degree by a proof. A postulate
is a statement that is made without
proof or verification. Using simple
postulates and theorems, we may
embody all of science.
The most important link in all science is proof. Any theory is useless if
it cannot be proven. Therefore simple
methods have been devised to prove
difficult theorems. The simplest of
all these is the cyclic proof. A postulate is made and the theorem proceeds upon the assumption that the
postulate is true. For instance: Suppose A is true. Theorem: B is true
because of A. Proof: B can only be
true if A is true. However, we have
earlier stated that A is true. Therefore
B is proven. This is also known as the
QED proof.
Another popular method of proof is
the reduction method, which is better
titled reduction ad nauseam . In reduction ad nauseam, the lecturer aims
to lull the class to sleep, by dwelling
upon meaningless and boring calculations. Once the class is asleep, the
lecturer cleans the board and announces "Thus we have proved our
theorem," whereupon the class wakes
up and decides to copy the rest of the
proof from someone else.
A very successful method that can
be widely used on the undergraduate
level is proofby bribery, in which the
student writes: "Proof of theorem: A
is true. Stapled to the back of this
paper is a twenty-dollar bill. Thus,
the theorem is proven"
Proof by clerical error is a popular
method, wherein the student writes
"proof continued on next page," but
hands in his paper with the next page
missing. The professor assumes that
the page was lost in the shuffle and
passes the student.
Proof by intimidation should only
be used by graduate students or professors. If questioned on the validity
of a theorem, the professor answers,
"The proof is so intuitively obvious
that I won't even bother to write it
down." Almost all undergraduate
students will take this at face value
and assume that the theorem is true.
Proof by reference involves referring to a text that has been long out of
print or nonexistent for the proof.
Few will bother to look it up, and
those that do will simply assume they
have a wrong edition. Especially
skilled professors may want to refer
to a text, untranslated, in the original
Proof by circular reference is an
excellent variation on proof by reference. Reference is given to one book
which ingeniously refers the proof
back to the original book.
The most popular of all proof methods is the method of assignment where
the professor leaves the proof as an
exercise for the student.
Proof by analogy is useful for
those gifted in rhetoric. The professor digresses into a physical situation
that "should describe wonderfully the
proof of this theorem." In reality, the
digression is a complicated muddle
of arm-waving that leaves even the
brightest of students utterly baffled,
and the proof will be simply taken at
face value.
Proof of theorem: A
is true. Stapled to the
back of this paper is a
twenty dollar bill.
Thus, the theorem is
Proof by pompous overbearance
involves the professor implying that
the student who doesn't understand a
theorem is a fool. "This theorem is
obviously true. I won'tbotherto prove
it. If you cannot understand it, perhaps you should see me at the end of
class and we can discuss dropping the
course." While this is similar to proof
by intimidation, the aim is not to
silence pupils into acceptance, but
instead to remove those students that
might question the authority of the
Proof by infinite neglect is used by
the slyest of professors. A proof to
the theorem is promised but never
given. If a student reminds the professor, the proof is promised "in just
a minute." Near the end of class, the
proof is begun, but class ends before
it may be finished, wherein the professor promises to do it at a later date.
Proof by extortion tries to get the
students to accept the theorem without any attempt of proof at all, for the
professor will fail those who do not
use this theorem.
Partn: Application of Mathematical Logic
(Gratefully nicked (and molested)
from Opus, May 1961, by Joel E Cohen)
Postulate: All horses are of the same
Proof (bv method of cycles): Assume
there exists a horse of one colour. Let
us assume therefore that if there are
n+1 horses, then they will each have
a colour. Also, if all horses are the
same colour they will therefore be the
colour of the kth horse. Now, by the
above postulate, all horses are of the
same colour and this does not contradict any results of the proof. Therefore the postulate is true and all horses
are of the same colour.
Theorem 1: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof: Horses have an even number
of legs. Behind, they have two legs,
and in front they have forelegs. This
makes six legs, which is an odd
number of legs for a horse. The only
number that is both even and odd is
infinity. Therefore horses have an
infinite number of legs. To show that
this is general, assume thatthere exists
a horse with a finite number of legs.
But that is a horse of another colour,
and by our first postulate, the horse
does not exist.
Theorem 2: Everything is the same
Proof (bv reduction ad nauseam): The
proof of the first postulate does not
depend on the object we are considering. It could be easily phrased,"for all
x, x is the same colour, if x is a horse".
But if we take an eraser and erase "if
x is a horse," and the postulate would
still hold true (i.e. whether or not
horses are the same colour does not
depend upon whether or not we write
it down), as we have already proved
the theorem and it doesn't matter
how it is written. Therefore, as the
theorem does not depend on what is
written beside it, we may write in the
word "everything" instead of "horse."
Hence the theorem would now read,
"for all x, x is the same colour, if x is
everything." By previous methods
we have shown that this still holds
true, so all things are the same colour.
Theorem 3: Everything is white.
Proof: Assume C is a set containing
everything. If B is a subset of C, we
may assume that that which holds
true for the elements of C holds true
for the elements of B. Now, if everything is the same colour, then the
subset B is the same colour as everything. It is axiomatic that white elephants exist (proof by blatant asser
tion: see Mark Twain's 'The Stolen
White Elephant'). Therefore all elephants are white. All elephants are a
subset of everything. Therefore everything is white.
Theorem 4: Alexander the Great did
not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.
Proof: Assume that historians always
tell the truth. Therefore it is a true
sentence that "Alexander the Great
rode a black horse Bucephalus." But
we know that everything is white.
Alexander the Great could not have
ridden a black horse. Since the consequence is false, in order for the entire
statement to remain true, the antecedent must also be false. Hence, Alexander the Great did not exist.
We have also the historically true
statement that Alexander was warned
by an oracle that he would meet death
if he crossed a certain river. Because
' fore-warned is four-armed,' we know
that Alexander the Great had four
arms. Four arms on a man is indeed
an odd number. However, the only
number that is both odd and even is
infinity. Therefore, Alexander the
Great had an infinite number of arms.
Devan Fauste has been duly reprimanded for dwelling on silly subjects. He will now dwell on stupid
"An editor should have a pimp
for a brother, so he'd have somebody to look up to."
Gene Fowler
"There are just two people
entitled to refer to themselves as
"we"; one is a newspaper editor
and the other is a fellow with a
Bill Nye
'"An editor is one who separates
the wheat from the chaffa nd
prints the chaff."
Adlai Stevenson
• "The unsigned articles appearing in this newspaper sometimes
represent the view of the editors,
frequently of no one else."
Editor's disclaimer
"Half the council aren't crooks."
I Newspaper retraction, to correct
i an editorial saying that half the
council were crooks.
"A newspaper is a circulating
library with high blood
Arthur "Bugs" Baer
The 432
January 17,1990 TIX $4.00 FROM AMS BOX OFFICE
or CHEMISTRY RM 160 (228-4235)
1    W% g±
The Climax of Science Week
BzzR:       $1.00
Spyder:    $1.50
Shuuters: $1.50
Pop or Chips $ 0.50
but*. ..... .b .. «. m   b *»,. z^«r«°g*Vfj-..       *<JW>jt..v,; ,■.,■ ■ 1
|*•?■.•> IriHFafumnoNl?
:*$?*» y >>^'i
the Japanese Art of Fish/    \
Jan 24,25
SUB 205
11:30 - 2:30
Design and Create
Your Own T-Shirt
D«er GaoAeo    H'8
Give \1lgco
-Till y>u DEjP
T\ies/Tliurs 7pm and
llii|rl^7|:|i?i on
10 am - 2 pm
SUB Concourse
ties Paper
Airplane Conies
9:30 am -3:30 pnt SOB Concourse
(Dr (P. CuCCis
The Canadian Liposome
SUB Auditoruim
Lecture ;
Mice Harrison \
12:3ft SUB Autfttorhira t
12:30 - 2:30
^8 B'i';':S:':i;':
"■"■"■"■"■' ■
Computer Science
—"■""*'■"' "'* " ■■■■■■■■■'■ri * ■■>■■*■ ■•.«■..- — .-r  1 ..huh.'.-.-.t-.'".'--:!^.^^.:.^.--^^.^--.. .^l..'.'J.,;»*..L...^;:..J>.-A.,y -:.W>...".-.J>.-'i.^.'-.V.-.g.J-. f.*-£:.   •.'■>:.^.'
6:00 - 8:30
CPSI Room 203
(Dr. %, !Hancoclt
Siotechnoiogy vs "Bacterial'(Diseases
 SUB A^^5tfftr'"m	
r--T-.,T- -.
I > © v.
For Science Week, Geology is having a mineral sale.
They are also having a slide show with pictures from
students' summer jobs and their recreational photos.
There will be videos on volcanos and other geological phenomena. All of these events will be taking
place at SUB, in their assigned floor space during
Departmental Displays.
Physics will have a video display of the labs in
Hennings as well as physicists to talk about the paths
of physics in the next twenty-five years.
HOME BREW CONTEST: Be a brewmaster.
The contest is open to all faculties and newcomers or
experienced brewers.
Brew will be judged by a distinguished panel of judges
at the Science Week Microbiology Beer Garden
FRIDAY Jan 26, in Wesbrook 238.
Entries will be accepted on Jan 26 between 3 and 5pm
Entry fee: $5
1st prize:$50; 2nd prize:$30; 3rd prize:$20
«?..   .:v-.-.; v\>V
^^ '^' :>^- •/
... drop in wfth ra>: atf'r*£y<\ <
Your Clinic ^^^r^^'Cf^
MEDNESDAY, JAN. 24, 1990 9:30 - 3:30
THURSDAY, JAM. 25, 1990 9:30 - 3:30
JAN. 26, 1990     9:30 - 3:30
PreMed will be sponsoring a Standard First Aid
and CPR Course given by the Red Cross. It will be
held on January 27, from 9am-5pm. Please register
soon at the PreMed Society (IRC 630). The cost is
$35 per person. For more information, call Isabelle
at 224-9015
Don't forget BIOSOC and Oceanography's joint
Bzzr Garden on Friday, Feb 2. It starts at 4:30 in
Biol 2449. Everyone is welcome. Bzzr is but
$1.25. Cedar is just $1.50. Pop is $0.50
Any questions? Please feel free to drop by Chem
160, any time. Ther's usually someone there who
will be more than happy t o help you out. Check
the next page to find out how to find us.
Co-sponsor: Science Undergraduate Society
The Canadian Red Cross Society
'"'" ''6t>1;r;(.>vBBiAN,kEiii^WHAlMi^ "" '-"
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12:30 - 2:
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by Ari Giligson
Part The First: Science Week serves 3
1) To familiarize Science
Undergrads with programs and opportunities within the faculty. 2) To give
science students a chance to meet their
counterparts in the various departments
through a number of fun and/or decadent events planned throughout the
week. 3) To show off to both other departments and other faculties how
creative, intelligent and fun we all are
and how great Science UBC is.
So whether you are in first year
or in fourth, don't miss the opportunity
of the Science Week experience. We
have an event planned for every day of
the week. If you forget what is happening on any particular day just come by
the SUS office and ask (especially
during open house) or ask a council
And by all means, don't forget
the event that cap's it all off on Friday
night, The Science Week Extravaganza.
Its our last BIG dance of the academic
year (featuring XYZ).
This is the 75th anniversary of
UBC and the 25th of Science UBC and
thanks to a subsidy from the nice folks
at Community Relations we hope to
make this the biggest S-Week ever.
Part The Second: As most of you
know I ran for Board of Governors last
week but since the paper was published before results were announced I
cannot comment one way or another on
how I feel or what I will do from this
point on. But, I would like to thank all
the people who supported me with their
Don't forget AMS elections happen
the week after Science Week, and
that's when the real fun and mudsling-
ing begins (I will, fortunately, be
watching from the sidelines).
Part The Third: The Engineers have
challenged us to a chariot race. If
anyone has any idea where we could
find something to use as a chariot
(cheap), or if you are simply intrigued,
some down to the office.
Part The Fourth: Does anyone have
any good ideas for messages to use on
the SUS answering machine (best
message wins The Wit and Wisdom of
Bill Vander Zalm)?
nd how great Science UBC is.
So whether you are in first year
or in fourth, don't miss the opportunity
of the Science Week experience. We
have an event planned for every day of
the week. If you forget what is happening on any particular day just come by
the SUS office and ask (especially
during open house) or ask a council
As of the time this puppy goes to
press, we have no idea how Ari
has done in the BoG elections. I
should offer a word of encouragement, then. Nah. Ari is a real
fun drunk.
MAttv/  rMU~
S ! r, ■ l •-. •    ,
You DokjT njElTD
to Be a rocket
7  t-
3      T-
To FimD
chem \(qQ
S.05. Look>GE"*Offic£
CHEK1 \<oO    ptf 22S-423S Was the JMrrsfi
Wiz Speaks
CSSS Is Jfcond to be holding the
Sdfeaee Car-rally agsia this year.
The pre-race chatter begins on
Wednesday* January 24 at 10:00
m 203A of the Compile* Science
iuiJdiug, All race, participants
mast attend.
I Due to laflatiott, the entry fee
has doubted* IT'S FfcEE! Tte
prizes won't b?ftefe^thoagh, There
will be prized for firs^ second and
third .place teams*
All cars mast be street legal.
est car wiil not necessarily win.
Lfheteamthat exhibits &e most intellect (m& dumb lack) will win.
Teams may consist of fcvo to fbaf
people, Thefbtirth person will not
More Questions
For Dan Quayle
If Chicken is fowl, why do we eat it?
If Dilton Doiley is so smart, how come
he can't graduate from high school?
Why do they call them bank balances?
Seems to me that its always in the bank's
Is a hiccup a baby burp?
How do the leaves climb back up the
trees in the spring? How do they know if
they're going up the right one?
Here's one. If birds fly south, why do
they bother to come back?
Just what the dickens is Egg Nog,
anyway? Have you ever seen a Nog? It
must be an acronym to make it more
palatable. Who would drink Egg Nitrous
Oxalic Gadolinium? Egg N.O.G. It all
becomes crystal clear. Seriously, though,
who named it? They had to have been on
drugs. "What shall we call it?"
"Hmmmmm. How about Egg...Nog?"
"Nog...sounds vaguely reminiscent of
mucus. I like it."
But Egg Nog does taste good, doesn't
it? So bottoms up and try not to think
about big long gobs of yellow spit. You
know the kind - the creamy stuff that you
cough up when you have bronchitis.
What does the K in K-Mart stand for?
Where does the hole go after you eat the
donut? I think you sew them together to
make fishnets.
Why do males have a gene that says, "I
know where I am going. I am not lost,"
whenever they drive?
How do we know that elephants have
good memories?
We've got pickled beets, pickled onions, pickled pig's feet, so why do we call
pickled cucumbers just plain pickles?
Why is red tape red? And why do we
have to wade through it? It must be some
typeof initiation ortestof manhood. You
want a government grant? Fine, but first
you must make your way through this
room full of red tape, Kemosabe.
And every year we have a celebration
downtown and we call it First Night.
Why? It's not the first night - it's the last
night! Oh, we could call it First Morning,
but we really do all the celebrating on the
last night. Should we call it Last Night?
I don't think so. Everyone would assume
that they missed it "Omigod - it was Last
Night! How could we forget?"
How do PhysEd students cram? Do
they run extra laps? Lift more weights?
Chest hair. There's something that's
been bothering me? Where does it come
from? One day it's not there, and then all
of a sudden there's one single hair off in
some corner of the the chest How did it
get there? It couldn't have grown, because you never see a short chest hair, do
you? If they're all alone, they're always
curled up and six feet long. How do they
grow so fast? One minute nothing, the
next, it's hanging in your soup.
Let's not forget that the contest for
the best questions for Dan Quayle
is still going. We're even gonna
figure out a prize. A T-shirt of Dan
Quayle? A signed photo of Dan
Quayle? Heck, why not Dan
Quayle himself? So drop something off at Chem 160 or mail it to
us. Our address:
432-c/o Dean or Science, Room 1507, Bi-
oSciences BIdg, UBC, Vancouver B.C.,
Deep Thoughts
by Derek Miller
OVCr the holidays it finally occurred
to me what a good teacher needs to be
able to do. We've all had good professors
and bad ones, and our experiences with
good, bad and mediocre teachers undoubtedly extend all through our educational
careers. Sure, good teachers need to know
their subject and be able to present it in a
clear and effective way and all the usual
B.S. that you get asked to think about
when you fill out a teaching evaluation.
Bad teachers are often disorganized and
speak poorly. All these things are true,
but I believe that I've found the one
criterion which, although it does not define
good teaching, is a fine indicator of it.
Good teachers need to be able to go
off the topic. It sounds a bit odd, I know,
but think about it In my own experience
the best teachers have been the ones who
are not afraid of straying off the topic at
hand to present something interesting.
An Archaeology prof I had last term, for
instance, would often ramble on about
what it was like to eat in restaurants in
Korea, where he was digging; or the
reactions he would get stepping onto a
subway with a box marked "human remains;" or how illiterates are able to cope
much better in Japan than English readers
because not being able to read forces
them to use other cues to get around, and
thus they are not as hindered by the incomprehensible signs in that country. I
bet even you found that interesting, and
you weren't even in the class. Similarly,
a History teacher I had in Grade 12 would
tell stories which were probably apocryphal (but were fascinating) about how a
famous explorer's brother was the first
person known to l>e lost in the Bermuda
Triangle and such.
The diagnostic ability of these interesting diversions comes aboutfor several
reasons. First, the stories make the students remember what was being spoken
about. The strange tales thatdon'tneed to
be committed to memory nevertheless
are, precisely because they're so strange
and one listens to them purely for enjoy
ment. The course material presented at
the same time gets remembered secondarily in many cases. Second, a professor
who really enjoys teaching (and enjoyment is a large part of doing something
well) will, in many cases, feel more
comfortable straying a bit away from the
curriculum to present something related,
sometimes relevant, and interesting. One
who does not more often seems to stay
closely to the course material and present
only what is truly necessary. Third, a
concern for the students in a class will be
reflected in an attempt to keep them interested and thinking: tales off the topic
often force students to think of the consequences of the things they are learning
about or the experience of actually doing
them, rather than simply memorizing.
Fourth, a prof who talks about something
not directly relevant (or completely irrelevant) to the topic reveals that he or she
has a life outside the course and research.
I admit that getting sidetracked can go
a bit far. A teacher who does nothing but
reminisce and never gets to the meat of
the course is not good, but neither is one
who does nothing but read out what is
(actually or effectively) a text for the
course. An occasional "this has nothing
to do with what we're talking about,
but.." can have a vastly positive impact
on learning, if for no other reason that it
reminds the students that the prof is a real
person. The best classes I've had are ones
that I would have been interested in attending even if I got no credits for them
and didn't have to be there and where the
prof seemed just to be talking about
something on his or her mind, rather than
lecturing per se. Take a look at your best
and worst profs and see if they measure
up. You might be surprised.
Egad. There aare no pretty little
bubbles in the upper comer. Fear
not. The bubbles make a return
next issue, when it isn't twelve
pages and I'm not tearing out my
hair trying to meet a deadline.
Science Sales
Track Pants
"Watch for our ctisptay inStl'B Jan 22-23
No GJoTe No Love
No Protection No
No Cowr No Lorer
^ _ . J
your gloves, hoods,
(A message from the Safe-Sex
faction of the 432)
Drive Yourself Batty
The 432
January 1.7, 1990 A Few More Lines For Billy Joel
(sung to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire)
Howe Sound Crab, Mad Land Grabs, Preppie and Yuppie Fads,
BC Place, Grey Cup Race, Gretzky on a record pace.
Carmanah, Interest rate, Oakalla, Tuna-Gate,
Food Banks, free trade, heavy metal, arcades,
Terry Fox, BCRIC stocks, Canucks make another trade.
Van der Zalm, Sitka stands, Skylink planes can't even land,
Watson, Wilson, troubled constitution,
Credit cards, Rob Boyd, Johnson doing steroids
Abortion, Dioxin, Expo has an auction.
Patterson, Pezim, Immigrants, Pacific Rim
Morgentaller, Ng is collared, Youth gangs, Falling dollar,
Social Credit, Squamish Five, Via Rail, Stock Market Dive
Red Hot, Canucks are not, VSO is kept alive.
BoG Babble, or. Wh>
by Orvin Lau
Between January 10 and 13, the student body was at the polls voting for then-
representatives to the Board of Governors (BoG) and Senate. Under the University Act, therearetwo studentpositions
on the Board of Governors, and on the
Senate there are positions for one student
from each faculty, plus five student sena-
tors-at-large positions. All student representatives elected will serve a one year
The BoG and the Senate are the two
governing bodies of the university. The
Board is responsible for management,
revenue, business affairs, and theadmini-
stration and control of property; it deals
with   tuition fees, student loans,   the
The 4$% was madefy Lijctfer,: not
really a Macintosh SE. Neither is
TlieBeasUSQMB hgatf drive.Bo0i
are higher alien istelhgence who
have taken control of the SUS and
are directing it towards their own
evil gain of world dorntoance,
SUS-The 432
c/o Bean of Science
Room 1507, BtoSciencesBJdg.
Tfoiversity of British Columbia
Vancouver BC
That's the way it was, Vohiroe 3,
Issue & Wednesday January 17.
Editor: Aamn Drafee
Writers ant) contributors: All
GiJigsoo, Sasan. Saatchi, Aaron
Wefhaan, Maria LaMffe, David
New, Vwm F&mev JDeuefc &*&ter,
Jmmanael Noriega ^
Artists: Scott EtavtdsoB, Joe Wu,
Ken Otter, Clasde, M&nst
t,ayoa^Settip;l3onHMieft* Aaron
Drake* QrviMe Redenbaeker
Printed by College Printers
4900 fieopSe tea<S &J$ $LSy fiape*.
Why? Whyuot? Beats taking notes*
Coj^fight, t9Wt in the author**
name* or copyright, i9S9* 'Aaron
Drake, Whatever tarm your erank.
"One can never consent to creep
when one feels the impulse to
Helen Keller
"Colleges don't make fools. They
only develop them"
George Horace Lorimer
* Johnny Doesn't Vote
hiring of faculty, etc. The academic
governance of the university is controlled
by the senate: it is responsible for admission requirements, student appeals, grading practices, examination regulations,
curriculum and so on. In fact, all faculty
regulations must be approved by Senate
before they are enforceable. There are
also a number of areas where the BoG and
Senate work together, such as establishing scholarships and setting admission
There were four candidates running
for the two BoG positions. Incumbent
Tim Bird, SUS president Ari Gilligson,
senator-at-large Wendy King, and David
Hill from Engineering. No results were
available before the 432's submission
deadline, but whoever wins will take
office in February. All five senators-
at-large have been elected by acclamation, as there were only five nominations. They are: Wendy King (arts),
Loveleen Lohia (science), Rob
McGowan (arts), Mark Nikkei (engineering), and Brian Taylor (arts).
The student senator for the Faculty of
Science has also been elected by acclamation. Orvin Lau from first-year will
be succeeding Reg Peters, who is graduating this year and not running for reelection.
The other faculties which had their
senators acclaimed are agricultural sciences, dentistry, education, forestry,
graduate studies, and pharmaceutical
sciences. Applied science, arts, commerce & business administration, and
law each had two candidates contesting
for senator.
All senators will take office in April.
Dik Miller,
>y Derek Madman Miller
(Bdryj unemployed over the Christmas holidays would be an incredible
drag. Having been fired from my job as
Campus Cowboy with UBC Traffic and
Security, I was determined that I would
notremain in the leagues of the wretched
and unemployable for long. After sending copies of my resume around to various private investigation, security, and
repertory theatre companies, I waited
for a reply.
None was forthcoming. I decided to
phone each company up and made enquiries as to the status of my application.
The answers were not encouraging, and
I was down near the bottom of my list I
punched the buttons on my phone.
Ring, ring. Click. "Ricco's Private
Investigation and Dry Cleaning. Hold
I was assaulted by a Muzak instrumental version of Barry Manilow's "I
Write the Songs." I winced. A minute or
so went by.
Click. "Ricco's Private Investigation and Dry Cleaning. Hold please."
Lilting violins cascaded pitifully
from the tinny speaker. Then there was
a click and they went dead.
"Hello?" I said. "Anyone there?" I
hung up and tried again.
Ring, ring. Click. "Ricco's Private
Investigation and Dry Cleaning. Hoi -"
"Hold on a second," I interjected.
"I've already been put on hold twice and
then hung up on. I need to speak to
"All of our lines are busy right now,
sir." The receptionist's voice was, as
expected, whiny and annoying, and her
use of the word "sir" set me bristling.
"Look, all I want to know is whether
my job application has been looked at."
There was a pause. "You must be
Mr. Miller, then."
"Dik Miller, ex-private eye, ex-
campus cowboy, at your service."
"I'm sorry, you're...er...obliquely
qualified. Goodbye." Click.
I wondered what that meant. I had
not got the job, obviously. That left only
one company left on my list: Father Vito' s
Security and Protection, Ltd. Something
about the name made me suspicious,
though, so I passed it up. There was just
one chance left.
I dug through trie stack of papers on
my bed and came up with a number. I
The phone at the other end rang
seven times, and I was about to hang up
when it was answered. The voice sounded
half asleep.
"Physicalplantcanlhelpyou?" The
sentence was uttered as one monotonous
"Um, yes, my name is Dik Miller. I
recently worked for Traffic and Security,
and I was wondering if there were any job
openings in your department."
There was a click and my ear was met by
the Muzak version of Van Halen's
"Jump." I was terrified. After a couple of
minutes another tired-sounding voice answered.
"Physical PlantPersonnel. What can
I do for ya?"
"I was wondering of you had any
jobs available. I recently worked for -"
"Can you operate a lawnmower?"
I was taken somewhat aback by the
man's abruptness. "Yes, I can."
"How about a leaf blower?"
"Has your driver's license recently
been revoked?"
"Oh, that's too bad. Still, you sound
like an okay chap. You're hired. You start
first thing tomorrow morning."
This sounded encouraging. "Just out
of curiosity," I ventured, "how much will
I be aaking?"
"Twenty-seven dollars an hour."
Sounded okay to Be.
Cowboy? Will Dik no longer
uphold the university way?
What adventures could a ditch-
digger possibly have? This is a
scam. It's all because they
couldn't move Dik Miller, Campus Cowboy Silverware. You
industrialist tyrant, Miller.
January 17,1990 A Visit to A Modest
by Aaron Drake
Early in December, UBC Food
Services opened its latest cafeteria, its
closest approach to real cuisine we
have seen yet Seating seventy, A
Modest Proposal can be found in the
basement of the Food and Nutritional
Sciences Building.
John Swift, the manager of the
cafeteria, or "restaurant", as he puts it,
invited us to a meal on the house,
provided that we reviewed it in our
next issue of the 432. What could we
say? Free food is free food, even if it is
UBC food.
We were modestly surprised. Not
only are the prices reasonable, the food
is quite edible, even tasty. I can't
recommend it enough to students who
need a quick bite to eat on campus.
Hours are 8 am to 9 pm, Monday to
The following is the recipe for the
specialty of the house. It's uniqueness
isn't in the sauce but in the meat, which
is surprisingly tender and rich.
Irish Baby Back Ribs
2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup beer
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp garlic
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 cup flour
salt and pepper to taste
2 lbs baby, cleaned and skinned
- Preheat oven to 400 F
- mix ingredients in a saucepan, bring
to boil
- add flour to thicken sauce
- using a large knife, cut away the skin
and fat that covers the rib cage of the
baby. Making insertions just below the
armpits, cut out the rib cage. Split the
ribs, removing the breast bone.
- brown the ribs for 5-10 minutes
- liberally coat the ribs with the sauce,
then return to oven, cooking for an
additional 20 minutes.
A Modest Proposal serves other tasty
entrees. The Baby Roast is particularly
succulent, as is Infant on a Stick, and
Deep-Fried Baby Nuggets.
or CHEMISTRY RM 160 (228-4235)
The Climax of Science Week
BzzR:       $1.00
Spyder:    $1.50
Shuuters: $1.50
Pop or Chips $ 0.50
Harrison foro_
SLtDE niinnEn
„   a Udd company release in association with sir run RUN SHAW
1. Just who are you, anyway?,
2. What are you doing?	
3. In 5000 word or less, why???	
4. When are you doing it (and with whom)?_
5. What time?	
7. Does it requite ID.?	
8. Who do we gripe to if you screw up filling out this form?_
9. Where can I contact him/her/it?
lO.Do you believe in premarital sex?_
by Tanya Rose
Hello again, and happy New Year.
Let's start off the nineties with a last
look at the eighties. Good Luck!
Theme: The 1980's
1-10: Easy
1. How many times has the US been
involved in military actions this
2. In which year did the Canucks make
the finals?
3. Who was the soft-porn star to ignite
a scandal with Prince Andrew?
4. What was the name of the ship on
which Gary Hart took Donna Rice?
5. How many years was Jim Bakker
sentenced to?
6. Who was the only civilian to die on a
space flight?
7. Who was the only Canadian to win
the World Cup Downhill?
8. Who was the Man in Motion?
9. How many gold medals did Canada
win at the 1988 Calgary Winter
10. What country sunk the Rainbow
11-15: Medium
11. How much has tuition gone up this
12. Who was the Conscience of
13. How many people were killed by
cyanide-laced Tylenol capsules?
14. What did Canadian interest rates
peat: at this decade?
15. How fast did Ben run?
16-20: Hard
16. How many people died in the worst
ever plane crash (Japan Air Lines)?
17. How many people (to the nearest
hundred thousand) visited Expo 86?
18. How old was Clifford Olson when
he was caught?
19. What was B.C.'s oldest daily, just
before being shut down in '83?
20. How many people were killed by
the Edmonton tornado in '87?
Bonus Question:
Who shot J.R.?
J3. Involution in %tsolutions
It all began quite a few years ago on the
shack of peasant fanner in the middle of the
Dark Ages. It was January first, he was bloated,
hungover, and tired. For the past week, he had
been gorging himself on Snuggles, the family
cow thathadrecently met an untimely demise.
The wine had filled his cup continuously, the
table had never been empty of food. The
house had never been quiet
The farmer - let's call him Gus - rose from
his straw bed, his plump wife snoring loudly
beside him. He scratched his long beard and
stretched. As he yawned loudly, the room suddenly began to spin about him. Staggering he
made his way to the table and collapsed in a
heavy wooden chair, stained with days of
wine and meats and cheeses. He groaned as
the first waves of nausea set in. His head grew
heavy as it began to puff larger then smaller
with each heartbeat He closed his eyes and
prayed for Armageddon.
When he opened his eyes, he saw, for the
first time that morning, the remnants of last
nights' feast. Eggs glistening with congealed
grease, ham thick with gristle and fat, sweating cheese, and of course, the wine. Oh, the
wine! The fumes of the wine were choking
him. He gagged and lurched from the table.
Stumbling, he made his way outside before
his sense of balance was lost forever. He fell
to the ground.
"Lord!" he wailed. "Why dost though punish me so? Yea, verily, I didst quaff such that
even a besotted jester wouldst turnst away
fromst me in mortal wretched disgust!"
He closed his eyes, titnd breathed slowly and
deeply. His stomach quieted a little.
"Yea, I swear an oath unto thee, my Lord.
Never shall I drink of the wine nor shalt I
indulge inmore fats arid meats thanmy humble
body doth require. Yea, thou shalt find me
awake at the cock's crow and my toils in the
fields shall be the envy of all men. This I swear
unto you, my Lord, my saviour!"
As destiny would have it. Father O'Flaherry
was passing by at that moment, and he heard
Gus the Hungover Peas antFarmer, and thought
that the notion of cleansing one's self at the
beginning of each year was a splendid idea.
The concept of resolutions was bom, and
has been popular to this day. Why? Who
knows. God knows-nobody keeps their resolutions. If resolutions were raindrops, the first
week of the year would see floods throughout
the world, while the second week of the year
would be the driest week of the year.
Still, every body makes resolutions, however silly they are. One student resolved to
attend all classes, write all assignments, study
all night, and get first classes in all classes. He
hasn't been to class yet - he's still skiing at
The 432 would like to hear your resolutions.
Mail them in, or drop them off at Chem 160.
The person who submits the
most original resolution will
receive a T-Shirt. Hear that? A contest! Withaprize! The best resolutions will be
published in the next issue of the 432. So get
yours in now. Our address:
The 432, SUS
c/o Dean of Science
Room 1507, BioSciences Bldg
UBC, Vancouver BC
Or just drop it off here at Chem 160.
The 432
January 17, 1990 A Primer For Those Otherwise
Incomprehensible Science Terms
Carbon Dating
Calculus of Residues
Classical Mechanics
Conic section
Ground State
Marginal Ray
Normal Solution
Poynting Vector
Quantum Mechanics
Right Angle
Spin Operator
Person with diabates
A unit of m-m-measurement
Protein substitute
Mating ritual in a steeltown
How to clean a bathtub ring
The science of piano repair
A device for styling one's hair
Humorous paper
The opposite of 'stop sign'
One tenth of a mate
Oriental democratic process
Past tense of the verb 'to flex'
To study hard
Coffee before it is brewed
A noisy wiretap
Cousin of the rhinoceros, only longer
Unit to measure gem size
A single lens; an optical element with
only one side
A ray of doubtful origin
One million phones
An insect like a centimetre, but with more
The wrong answer
Two Ph D's
A dead parrot
Redundant term: all vectors point
A group of very small mechanics
Opposite of a left angle
A female ghost
A long weapon that is thrown
Owner of a Ferris Wheel
A skilled symphony director
Can you please repeat that?
Get Your
Design on Front of shirt
Design on back of shirt
■nemjQGCM. tcacn tocwrr tr
foisted art 100% white T-shirts
=   in Larfffe and Bxfta Lar g&.
Only ££1 each.
| To get yours, contact tiie BioSoc Hat (22S-4046
! or leave your name sm<J number at Chem 160 for
Do have an outstanding prof?
Recognize him with the
Teaching Excellence Award
Nomination forms are available from SUS in Chem 160
Awards will be presented at the
SUS Annual General Meeting
(date to be announced).
Deadline for nominations of
second-term professors and full
year professors is March 2
For more information, contact Caireen hanert (Academics
Coordinator of Teaching Excellence Awards) in Chem 160 or
call 228-4235
" / never think of the future. It
comes soon enough."
Albert Einstein
Answers to
2. 1982
3. Koo Stark
4. Monkey Business
6. Christie McAuliffe
7. Steve Podborsky
8. Rick Hansen
10. France
12. Andrei Sakharov
15.100m in 9.83 seconds
16. 520
19. The Columbian
BQ: Kirstin
1-10: 1 point
11-15:2 points
16-20: 3 points
>32 points - Expert
24-31 points - Know-it-all
14-23 points - Joe Average
The Back Row
by Elizabeth-Anne Brown
/think that these articles are supposed
to begin: Isn'titadrag when..." or " Ihate
it when...". For a change I thought that I
would start it like this: the bicycle was
invented in 1839 by a Scottish blacksmith by the name of Kirpatrick Macmil-
lan. Well actually, the credit was given to
someone else. Anyway, Macmillan's invention was known as a Velocipede and
was never really very popular.
It wasn't really until 1888 when John
Dunlop invented the pneumatic tire that
the whole idea of peddling took off and
helped to launch a new cult known as
"bicyclism" in the 1890's. Now, one
hundred years later, the cult has been
reborn and a large following is very active on this university campus.
In the January 9th issue of The Ubyssey,
one member of this cult expressed concern that cyclists were the only ones who
seemed to be considering the environment when they travelled. This "cycling
supremacist" causes one to believe that a
cult member's motivation for engaging
in this activity is in fact soley to save the
environment, to help reduce the number
of "hydro-carbon burning beasts" on the
Through some devious sleuthing, I was
able to locate another one of these bicyclism cult members, who shall remain
anonymous for now, who confirmed my
suspicion that the environment was not
every cyclist's number one concern. In
fact, this bicyclist drives his "hydro-car
bon burning beast" to U.B.C. every day
with his environment saving machine
mounted on the back.
He maintains that cycling is a great way
to meet good looking pedestrians of the
opposite sex. This is not accomplished
through the expected method of appearing very fashionableand"in". Although
the bright neon clothing and spandex
helps, it is not the crucial factor. The
crucial factor is being able to run the
selected, unsuspectingpedestrian down.
I was informed proudly by this cult
member that he had in fact successfully
managed to do this. He boasted that
after he had had a few beers at the pit, he
mounted hischromo steed andproceeded
to run squarely into a very nice looking
girl somewhere near the Hennings building. I was also informed by a friend of
his that he was so suprised at managing
this feat that he clean forgot to get her
phone number.
I can sympathize, it must be rough.
This is the place in the article where I
can insert the phrase: I really hate it
when people on bicycles try to run me
So, if a guy named Jeff runs you down
with his bycyle, get him to take you for
a beer at the Pit but don't give him your
phone number. Be careful out there.
E.A. is a closet environmental
terrorist. She drives a bulldozer
without any muffler. Secretly, she
hopes to run into other bulldozer
drivers for laughs, drinks, possible relationship.
The 432
EXTRAVAGANZA Dance - Rock to the
sounds of XYZ, on Friday January 26. The
Climax of Science Week. Tickets are $4. 8-
8:30 is happy hour (2 FOR 1). Come to Chem
Congratulations to all Scinece students.
We won the AMS Food Bank Challenge,
beating out Arts and Commerce. Hey, wonder
why EUS didn't participate?
Groundhog Day Bzzr Garden. Oceanography and Biosoc welcomes everyone. Meet the
Executive. Oooh. Friday Feb 2 at 4:30, Bio
For Sale
Biohazardous T-shirts available at Biosoc.
Check out the cool ad in the paper. Only
twelve schmackers each. Come see us at the
Biosoc Hut or phone 228-6046
Science Crap for sale. All during science
week. Pants, windbreakers, so on. Check out
our ad. Talk to Susan.
{Editor's note: I swear to God, the following
ads are authentic ads actually placed by students. Really, these aren't made up)
One Virgin, free to any experienced female,
for use and abuse. Reply to Box 303, Chem
Looking for a female nympho for wild and
wicked, uninhibited, no-strings attached fun.
reply to Box 303, Chem 160
January 17,1990


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