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The 432 Feb 25, 1998

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VOLUME   1 1   ISSUE   10   •   2.25.98
Monday, February 23rd
11C Sill illlllii
N
Iewly elected AMS executive
commented this morning
on their plans to dissolve
the AMS council, in favour of a
socialist system in which all decisions will be made by public referenda.
"It just makes sense," said AMS President
Vivian Hoffman. "All of the important
decisions in the last four years which
council has made have gone to referendum. By taking these steps, we're not fooling ourselves anymore."
The change to the new system will happen gradually over the next year. The AMS
executive will keep their positions and
salaries until April, and will concentrate
their efforts to make sure the transition is a
smooth one. AMS council will meet for the
rest of the school year, however, no major
decisions will be made during this time.
Hoffman assured reporters that there
would be no layoffs as a result of the
change, and that all appointed AMS officials will maintain their duties until the
end of their term.
"I'm very confident that we can maintain
all of our current staff, "explained a smiling
Hoffman, "Indeed, I hope this new change
will actually free up a great of money from
the existing budget."
AMS Council member and Arts President
Jason Murray did not seem as sure that the
planned transition would be beneficial to
students.
AMS Embraces
Communism
'This is communism, plain and simple," said Murray, angrily. "My Grandfather didn't fight: in Korea just to see his country fall apart. Capitalism works, and as a result,
the only answer is democracy."
Many students on AMS council, however, seem to have lost their faith in representative democracy. Recently, Council saw it's decision on the Thunderbird Shop overturned by a referendum. Although the referendum did not initially appear to make
quorum, it was discovered that the student body had decreased by 734 students since
September; enough that the referendum did, in fact, meet quorum.
Director of Administration Scott Morisbita, who ran a campaign to overturn AMS
Council's decision on the Thunderbird shop, seemed somewhat shocked.
"When 1 ran a pro-Tin. nderbird campaign, i had no idea: that this would happen,"
said Morishiia, "I didn't think the Thunderbird Shop would cost me my job. If 1 had
"I  A'A    !i |L"    I   il       known, 1 certainly wouldn't have .ran the kind of
I  Oldn t mink tile   si'11}:    uninformed    campaign    that    1    did."
Morishiia now has only two
months to serve as Director
of Administration, during
which time he plans to
concentrate his efforts on
making the T-Bird Shop
owners' life "a livina hell."
Thunderbird Shop
would cost me my job."
-scott morishita
Reaction across campus to
this change lias been mixed. While tire Engineering, Science, and Arts Undergraduate
Societies have both announced their opposition to plan, the Graduate Students
Society has spoken strongly in support,
"This is just: what we have been working towards over the last five years," said
President Ken Dwyer. "We've always said that there is no piace for democracy on a
University campus.-
A socialist system allows a
more comfortable atmosphere for protest, and a better
standard of life for everyone."
University President Martha
Piper seemed surprised at the
AMS' actions.
"I come from Alberta, where
the Reform party is in power,"
explained Piper. "If I was even
to say the word 'communism,' I'd be lynched quicker
than you can say Preston
Manning.
"Nevertheless, if this is what the
students want, we have no place
to interfere. As far as the
University is concerned, we support communism within the student body."
AMS Policy Analyst Desmond
Rodenber has spent the last several days searching the AMS records
for any code which may serve to
smooth some of the more complex parts of the transition.
"Believe it or not, this isn't the
first time that the AMS has
planned to abandon democracy.
Just five years ago, then AMS
President Bill Dobie attempted to
establish a dictatorship, in which
the President held the only vote
on Council. The motion required
two thirds, and failed by only
three votes."
Students are invited to attend an
information session on
Wednesday the 25th, at 6:00pm
in the SUB Council chambers.
Refreshments and sandwiches
will be provided. Attendance is
limited to approximately two
hundred students.
And you think we're weird? #1
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Anthrax Stores
Discovered at UBC
Monday, February 23rd
Vancouver, i J.
During routine inspection of the
UBC steam tunnels, Plant
Operations workers discovered a
clandestine microbiology laboratory
attempting to produce a strain of
Anthrax capable of being used in biological weapons. The Wesbrook and
Woodward Library buildings were
promptly evacuated.
"It was crazy, man," said Plant Ops
worker Bob Davidson, "one minute
I'm checking a pipe for rust, the next
I'm down at Tim Horton's having a
donut and a coffee, but what were we
talking about? Oh yeah, the Anthrax,
that was pretty cool, except for the fire
hose cleaning."
Hazmat groups have been working
around the clock in an attempt to render the affected area safe to students.
"We figure we should get the place as
least as sanitary as Totem Park," said
Ken Nehaichy "so tomorrow were
starting to ship in the offals from the
Maple Leaf slaughter house."
Barry Mcbride, ex-dean of science and
current Vice President of Academic
Affairs and Provost, was shocked when
it was revealed that current microbiology student Dean Morrow was implicated as the cheif of the researchers
arrested when found in the steam tunnels.
The group "Terrorists for Terrorists",
long suspected of underground activities, has been positively Jinked to the
newly discovered hidden lab.
"I don't know what you're talking
about, and quit breathing heavy on
my answering machine." said
President elect Vivian Hoffman when
confronted with the similarity
between 'Terrorists for Terrorists" and
her slate 'Students for Students". PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 FEBRUARY 1998
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25 FEBRUARY
© 1997 The
Undergraduate Socl
All rights
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Fax: (604) J
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If My He
How Much
Was Veal,
ould it Weigh?
I'd like to cut your head off and weigh
it. What do ya say? ... 5 pounds ... 6
pounds ... 7 pounds? ? ? Would you
like to snort some spray glue? I know, I'll
just crawl onto this log and row across
english bay. Let's go Bum Hunting!
So anyway, I was up at whistler for the
last three days spending my hard earned
money on basically anything anyone
was trying to sell me, except albanian
midget pornography. Why yes I'd love a
double mocha, half caf, cinnamon
flavoured, algerian style,, low fat, triple
calorie crapachino, and can I get that to
go? Ahhh, coffee, that wonderful black
goo, giver of energy, forcer of urine,
cramper of stomachs. How I miss the
sleepless nights staring at the ceiling
searching for the cracks lovingly. How I
long for the sweet sweet taste of steaming black Java.
As I sit here gently caressing the words
from my keyboard, I can't help pondering the reasoning behind some folks
actions. Just the other day, while riding
the chairlift at Whistler, I happened to
spy a young tyke hiking up a little hill
underneath the chair so he could get to
a little closed off area. His path went
directly underneath the chair at a place
were the chair comes quite close to the
ground. Powi This poor little bastard gets
clipped on the back of the head by a
high speed quad. He's lying on the snow
face down, possibly with brain damage,
when a simultaneous Nelsonesque Ha
Ha issues forth from all the people on
chairs in view. I felt very sorry for the
guy, that is until he sat up, gave the finger and yelled "Bite Me!", then proceeded to stand up and get smacked by
another chair. I hope the twenty five
feet of snow was worth it. He went
through all of this pain and humiliation
just for a moment: of nice snow.
Two weeks ago, I was talking to a friend
of mine going to school in Nova Scotia.
What a wonderful idea New Scotland is.
The old one is little worn down. What
kind of shape would you expect your
house to be in after drunk scots had been
living there for three thousand years.
I've been living in my place for less than
six months, and its got some serious
odor problems. I don't really know
where this smell has come from because
I clean continuously, shower on a semi-
regular basis, and I've only cooked haggis there once. I'm pretty lucky my landlady lost her sense of smell back in the
big war. Its a tragic tale of lost childhood
innocence in the face of the tragedy of
war. There are lot of problems with war.
I'm glad I haven't been alive during a
major war. They ration alcohol during
war. Its a pretty good idea that scots are
drunk. Not to mention the whole burning, killing, maiming, bombing, shooting, raping, stealing, raping, but there
wouldn't be any wars if it wasn't for the
positive aspects. What a problem the
world would have had if they'd have all
been sober between 0-1000 A.D. The
Scots would have been the biggest
scourge mankind's ever known. Right on
par with the mongols and the huns. I tell
you it was military genius for the English
to send cases of whiskey to the major
centres of Scottish culture there by
allowing the army to walk in unmolested. Take that any way you wasn't to. But
Back to St. Johns where the current
weather is producing fifteen foot waves
crashing unto the highly rocky coast
line. Out goes gord with his surfboard to
have a minute rush before being dashed
on the rocks by the ice cold surf. He's in
the hospital right now. I would not want
to be in his situation considering the
state of health care in Nova Scotia.
Health care all over is in serious need of
help. Even in B.C. we're starting to get
some serious line-ups. I'm not looking
forward to the three hour wait for the
stomach pump later tonight.
Ah sweet sweet drunk talk. . . .
Cheers to that! -ed
The Kamloops Blazers
vs. Team Sweden
eremy
horp
Well, the Olympics are over, and
Canada has won  more medals
than we ever have at an Olympic
games. Time for celebration? I think not.
There used to be two things which we,
as Canadians, could take for granted:
1) We have the best hockey players in
the world.
2) We have really good cheddar cheese.
I guess our cheese will have to get a
whole lot better.
Things have changed, now that the
Olympics allow professional players to
take part. Before, we wouldn't get down
on our athletes if they lost a game. Why?
Because they were amateur athletes; just
kids, really, who always gave it their best.
Instead, we get a bunch of NHL superstars who are payed to win. I know what
you're saying; they don't make any
money from the Olympics.
Don't they? They get a two week break
from playing in the regular season,
right? They still get their salary, don't
they?
Exactly.
Because they get paid, I'll allow myself
to criticize their play a little bit. Here we
have the 'best' players in the world.
Gretzky. Shannahan. Yzerman. Bourque.
We can all read the names on the back of
the jerseys; maybe we should have printed them in the inside of their visors. The
players themselves surely didn't seem to
realize what they were capable of.
My suggestion? Let's get back to the way
the things used to be. We'll send the
country's best junior team to play
against the world. Who cares if the other
countries don't play along? I'd much'
rather see the Oshawa Generals lose to
Khazikstan, than see the hundred million dollar team lose to the Dominik
Hasek show.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot. The paper has
a drastically new look. The front page
has been remodeled, and a lot of the
fonts and layout have been changed
throughout the paper. Change is good,
that's what I say.
If you have any comments about the
new duds, send us an e-mail, or hurl a
brick through my window. Though I'm
sure there are a few traditionalists wincing out there, I think most people will be
amiable to the switch.
Once again, we're always looking for
submissions; particularly of the cartoon
variety.
We don't bite.
mm
THIS WEEK!
m
our pets)
tination form on the back of this
*and bring it into Chem B160.
It'll be a whole new you! 25 FEBRUARY 1998
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
Frat
Fiasco
Frenchy Mattel
Cheese-eating frog
Frat Houses to be Replaced by
Parking LotlAccording to the
university's 'Paving the Road
to the Future' plan, the lots left
vacant by the relocation of the fraternity houses will be turned into
parking lots. The move has sparked
widespread protests, especially
from students and from local environmental groups.
Next year, the fraternity houses
are due to be relocated from their
current location along Wesbrook
Mall and Western Parkway to a
spot across from the RCMP headquarters for what Maria Klawe, VP-
Student and Academic Services,
said were "purely aesthetic reasons.
We thought that to have a large
building near the RCMP offices
would restore some balance to that
end of campus." Privately, Dr.
Klawe is rumored to want to "pave
those damn frats out of existence."
The director of the UBC Trek
Transportation program, Gordon
Lovegrove, has expressed great
enthusiasm at turning frat row
into one big parking lot. "It's
exactly what this campus needs;
we'll build a big parking lot, and
then jack the prices up to something like, say, 25 cents for every 3
minutes. The university will make
loads of cash!"
Members of the frats were too
drunk to comment, but some
members of the AMS were furious
at the idea of another parking lot
on campus. "This is just another
attempt by the university to corpo-
ratize UBC," said Director of
Administration Scott Morishita.
"Soon, they'll want to pave the
SUB over, and that means that
we'll be forced to kick the
Thunderbird Shop out. Students
don't want that, even if they don't
care at all." Perpetual protester
James Pond immediately began a
sit-in, this time at the headquarters
of Impark, the Lower Mainland's
biggest privately-owned parking
company. "I'm planning to stay
here until the corporate promotion
of vehicle-use has ended. I plan to
impede Impark's ability to conduct
business as usual by duct-taping a
sheep to the front of every one of
their tow-trucks. That'll show
them!"
Animal-rights activists have
expressed concern over the well-
being of the sheep. Matilda
Gustaffson, the president of UBC's
Free Willy Club, said that "my
biggest concern is over the reaction of the tow-truck drivers when
they find these helpless sheep on
the hoods of their trucks. You
know, many of those drivers are of
Scottish descent, and, well, they're
easily confused."
In an effort to address the concerns of environmentalists who
deplore the destruction of greenery
on campus, Gordon Lovegrove has
promised to use APEC-Alert's leftover 'protest material' and paint
the lines on the pavement green.
Sic 'em, Buddy!
Mandy Seymour
Whitebread Correspondent.
It seems that the public has been hearing too much about the dear American
president's private life lately. With the
shocking rumours about the Monica
Lewinsky's imaginary semen stained
dress the guy has been on the cover of
every tabloid for months. With all the
false evidence stories running around
the internet, its hard to keep your attention on the real issue at hand: Paula
Jones' sexual harassment suit. Prosecutor
Kenneth Starr is having a field day by
pursuing a personal agenda of destroying the all ready tarnished reputation of
Bill baby. Then again Clinton's popularity is at an all-time high. He's almost up
to President Bush's popularity record,
while Abe Lincoln is a close second.
Point being, I just can't say I feel sorry
for Bill, even if he didn't have an affair
with the intern.
When it really comes down to it, who
you've got to feel sorry for is little Miss
Chelsea "off-at-Stanford" Clinton. It
must be really annoying going to parties
and not being able to drink "because
you're not 21," That and no one else
underage can drink - the secret service
agents are just bored enough to bust you
for drinking. Worst of all, hearing the
same old Clinton jokes that Leno has
been telling for months. "Hey Chelsea -
have you heard the new Monica joke?"
But then again, she can just set her secret
service agents on them.
What must really suck about having the
president for your father would be the
darn secret service agents. Those guys
follow you literally everywhere. I can
just picture the scene in the women's
washroom when Chelsea needs to take a
shit,. "Excuse me people, please clear the
washroom - Chelsea needs to do a number two." The one cool thing is if you ran
out of toilet paper you could just ask
your servants, er, secret service agents, to
pass a roll.
Chances are all the chicks on her floor
have had to pass serious security screenings and there are secret service men living next door to her in the all girls
dorm. Hmmm....I wonder why there is a
middle aged man in a dark suit in a
female only dorm. No, he couldn't possibly be a secret service agent. "So Joe,
what is your major?"
" U h . . . b y e . . . . I
mean...biology..yah...that's it."
I'll bet Chelsea never gets a date. Even
when she was just dancing with a boy
during her summer trip to Italy, the
tabloids had all the pix and were starting
rumours of potential engagement. If you
think about it most guys would be far
too intimidated to ask Chelsea out.
You'd have to get approval from her
agents and when you came over to pick
her up and meet her family - ohh...the
wrath of papa Clinton. As you left for
the date you'd hear Bill screaming out
"Don't do anything I would."
You gotta have an itching suspicion
that poor Chelsea never gets laid. And if
she does she probably has that "nervous
that the secret service men might walk
in and tell my father" syndrome going
on. I mean, her family is Southern
Baptist, so you know they're into the
abstinence before marriage scene.
What's the deal with that? And, it would
look really bad if Chelsea got pregnant
out of wedlock while Bill was in office. I
can see it now, "President's Daughter
Confirms Genetic Basis of Sex Drive!"
Oh well.
If she was smart she would get plastic
surgery, lose the accent and move to
Vancouver to attend university. No one
would ever guess. Next time your taking
a Poli Sci course, take a real good look at
the girl sitting next to you. The six men
in black suits sitting around her might
not be there because of her cute pouty
lips, pert breasts, and firm buttocks.
Then again, maybe they are.
Mandy is a lesbian.
No, I'm kidding.
She's a transvestite.
-ed
Fun With a Little C4.
Andrew Martin
Convicted Safecracker
I'm sitting here in this sorry excuse for
a 'Conversation Pit' thing and while
looking at the crap-assed mural depicting lots of people who are doing a whole
lot of what people normally do when
they're next to a big black tube that goes
over mountains with a misty city on the
other side, and something occurs to me.
We should really be interested in the
beautification of our campus. I'm not
talking simple "let's-put-flowers-every-
where" or "let's-have-less-lifeboats-to-
open-up-space" techniques that just piss
the hell out of everybody and waste our
already wasted student fees. The first
step in my New Plan of Beautification is
of course, demolition of ugly stuff. So
let's begin.
First, we rip that goddam mural off the
wall. It doesn't serve a purpose, it's just
ugly and distracting and most of all, I
don't like it. In fact, take out the entire
wall and replace it with a jumbotron
showing psychedelic screen-saver-like
patterns and other computer graphics
all day long. This would make the SUB
much cooler. During a major sporting
event or celebrity criminal trial, we can
all watch together and have beer sold to
us by the highest bidder between the Pit
and Gallery. Nothing brings people
together like beer and TV. It's a much
better atmosphere than a bunch of
soiled purple nylon couches under an
ugly mural and listening to whatever the
staff at PieR Squared staff wants to listen
to. Beer profits will pay for the screen in
the first year and the rest (post-embezzlement) will go to further beautification
projects.
This'H improve the inside, but what
about the outside. The statue of the
"Goddess" of Democracy has been
turned from a minor blasphemous false
idol to a major eyesore by the same people who actually care that
it's even there. So we hold a statue toppling riot and charge $2 a piece for the
fun of taking a sledgehammer to the
statue. We take the money and use it to
finance a statue of Stan, Kyle, Cartman,
Kenny and Chef.
One thing's for sure, we'll have fewer
protests 'cuz people won't be able to
decide on a symbolic meeting place. Just
think, you'll never have to hear another
"Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho [something, something] has got to go!" chant during
lunch hour again. And all that paint on
the plaza will look even stupider if its
surrounding a scene depicting a little
parka-wearing boy falling into a vat of
acid.
Moving on, the parking outside of the
Bookstore. I can never find a space
when I need it, and I've almost been run
over a few times by you little pricks who
can afford the rates, so take a heavy-duty
chain saw to the meters and fill in the
area to make a level concrete field. We'll
get back to it later, in Phase II. This will
free up some labour, as this is about the
only place Campus Cowboys ever seem
to work. Don't worry guys, Phase II has
a plan for you too.
Continuing Southward, we come to the
Cairn. What an ugly piece of shit that
thing is. Its only purpose seems to be to
sit there, look ugly, get covered by a new
layer of paint each week and get set on
fire once every month. Its a pain to look
at and the paint scrapings around it are
probably leaking toxic chemicals into
the soil. So, to remedy this, one night
we'll jump on top of the Cairn, drill several holes in it, fill them with C4 and
then...boom.
Shock waves will be felt all the way to
Surrey. And as an added bonus, the
entire engineering portion of the campus will become a smoldering crater. It's
a win-win situation and gives us a big
portion of the campus to work with in
Phase II. We may or may not have
enough money to put a blast shield
around MacMillan, and we'll be sure to
remove all the beer from the Cheeze
(absolutely no alcohol will be harmed
during The New Plan, the 'Geers themselves however...).
We will turn around now and move
North. Not that Totem could use a bit of
remodeling, but we'll leave that, along
with Buchanon, for next year's budget,
as our grant from Anarchy Inc. is almost
used up.
The last couple of hundred should be
spent on the Chan center, or as I call it:
'Satan's Beer Can'. I hear it looks great
inside, but it does looks like hell on the
outside. So, we'll share the beauty by
making it an outdoor stadium with just
a few well-placed explosives. Again, as
an added bonus, the Rose Garden will
probably be obliterated, taking out the
useless garden and giving us a clean,
steep slope and some masonry to work
with in Phase II. Don't worry, we'll keep
the parking for those of you who want to
spend twelve bucks a day when the B-
Lots are 2 bucks.
We'll just get rid of the garden, we only
ever see flowers in April anyways, the
rest of the year we just see decapitated
thorny flushes. It would be much better
used by the plan I've got for it in Phase
II.
Phase I is now complete, the campus is
in chaos (maybe next time I'll let people
know in advance I'm planning to do),
engineering has been eliminated and we
have several large (though burning)
clearings with which to work with, all in
a couple of days and for a couple of
thousand dollars (Canadian). Hey, I
never said there wouldn't be a transitional phase. But never fear, Phase II is
right around the corner.
Andy has this strange fascination with
destruction. Last week, he walked into the
office, and smashed a TV, a computer, and
a phone.
Don't believe me? I have the video. If you
want to see it, come by the office. $25,
while supplies last.
-ed PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 FEBRUARY 1998
Jay's Inner Child
This is my third year at this institution (or fourth, I forget), and a couple of facts are becoming
inescapably obvious. One: I have an
intense dislike of the Real World. I don't
want to get out of here and find some
nine-to-five, go-home-afterwards-and-
get-wasted-watching-the-telly job. And
two: I like campus life. I was in Boston
not too long ago, and I spent some time
rooming with an old friend. One of the
things she said was that, come
September, the place would be crawling
with around 30,000 new freshmen —
largely due to the number of colleges
and universities in the
Boston/Cambridge area. Well, actually,
what she really said was "It's the fucking
fountain of youth... every year, there's
always new meat wandering around
with that cherub-clean 'fresh-out-of-
high-school' look. You can trade in your
last-year's model freshman for this years
better, shinier, cuter and more buff
model". Scarily enough, I found myself
agreeing with her. All of which leads me
to an inescapable conclusion: I am never
going to be able to leave the university
life.
There are better ways of never leaving,
however, than by failing just enough
classes to keep you registered and thereby extending your completion-of-degree
time by one to four years (or, in some
rare cases, up to eight additional years).
Do too much of this, or do it poorly, and
you're going to be facing the business
end of a politely-but-firmly worded letter strongly advocating that you relocate
to someplace less challenging for a
while. This method, then, is akin to
tightrope walking on barbed wire over a
pit of dirty needles and broken glass
while onlookers in the peanut gallery
(usually your friends) throw bottle caps
and half-eaten SUB food at you.
However, there is a better way of never
leaving the campus life-style and all its
accouterments. It's called Grad School
and Beyond. This path has all the benefits of an eight-to-twelve year completion of an undergraduate degree without
all the messy cynicism, bitterness, and
burnout associated with being cooped
up with a bunch of wankers barely out of
their adolescence who're shooting
through their four years without raising
REX MORGANN
Pre-Med Hopeful
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Jake McKinlav '98
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ORDER YOUR REX-WEAR
TM
NOW!!
a single measly finger.
If you examine it closely, it's not too
hard to see that pursuing a high-level
degree in Science is a good way to avoid
growing up. I mean, being in grad school
is like being back in seventh grade —
you are the Kings and Queens of the elementary school, and you get to lord it
over the little pricks in the grades
beneath you (the undergrads). In return,
even the lowliest high schoolers (people
with their PhD's and professors) get to
kick the living shit out of you, and you
learn to like it.
And then there's the world of scientific
research to consider. If this isn't some
weird reversion to childhood all dollied
up with cool high tech accessories, then
I don't know what is. If you really think
about it, any high level scientist is just
some kid with a hammer looking for
something to smash. Case in point: particle physics. Physicists use a huge-ass
magnetic gun to throw atoms and subatomic particles at each other at speeds
approaching that of light, and then
examine the energetic debris of the collision. Or take genetics, for example (a
subject near and dear to my heart).
Genetic analysis in organisms is comprised of taking that organism and
mutating it by exposing it to all number
of chemicals, rays, or weird experimental
breeding procedures until the gene you
want to study breaks and the organism
turns purple, or grows legs where its
antennae should be, and so on. These
approaches to science are just a more
advanced version of a kid taking apart
the family VCR to find out how the pictures are being made (although, speaking from personal experience, this is
probably more physics than genetics —
genetics seems to have its roots in kids
burning ants with a magnifying glass, or
in yanking the wings off flies and then
watching them craw around).
Further, all the best scientists seem to
have never lost their child-like behaviour in some way, shape or form. Francis
Crick always looked like needed his
mother did all his clothes shopping for
him. Albert Einstein seemed to have the
• mournfully surprised expression of kid
being constantly reminded to pick his
toys up after him. And Richard Feynman
had the same manic glint in his eyes as
that of a three year old child who has
just discovered that many things in the
world around him are flammable.
Put this way, it's a wonder that anybody
in his right mind would want to find a
nine-to-five, go-home-afterwards-and-
get-wasted-watching-the-telly job when
the exciting and legally-sanctioned
world of destruction for the sake of science offers such possibilities.
fay Garcia is one of the rookies in the
University longetivity league. He's an early
challenger to Johann Thornton's record of
12 years.
My money is still on Phil Ledwith;
depending, of course, on whether the immigration officials catch him first.
-ed
Hey, at least
we didn't
make fun of
your
Grandmother. 25 FEBRUARY 1998
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
Ask Dr. Temple
Dr. Temple
Rectologist and Sometime Vetrinarian
Well, reading break is over and
therefore so is the nine days of
drunken debauchery. Starting
now is the two month period of drunken debauchery before Art's County Fair.
A word to the wise however, there has
been an increase in the usage of the so-
called "date rape" drug, rohypnol.
Everyone is aware of the tragic cases of
women being assaulted with the help of
rohypnol, but there has been a recent
increase in a different abuse of this drug.
The victims in this case are, surprisingly,
almost exclusively male. UBC Hospital's
emergency room statistics have shown
seventeen cases of people being savagely
beaten while under the influence of the
drug. Apparently, the victim's drink is
spiked with rohypnol. Then, when the
drug has taken affect, the victim is
"given the works." The victim comes to
several hours later, bleeding from several
orifices, and without the slightest clue as
to what happened. Yung here is a tragic
example of the affects of this new crime,
as he does not even know that it is happening to him.
Dear Dr. Temple,
I have a strange question for you. Is
there such a surgery available where the
patient's tongue is augmented? This may
seem like a strange request, but it's nothing weird or sexual. What happened is
that I have only half a tongue now, and
as such have a great deal of trouble
speaking and eating. So you can see that
I have a valid reason for getting this
operation. Here is what happened:
About two weeks ago I was hanging
around in the FtimSoc clubroom, watching TV and drinking a Coke. After Zena
was over I got up, said goodbye to everybody and left for the bus loop. That was
the last thing I remember before waking
up in the intensive care unit at the hospital. I had been beaten with what was
apparently several small cacti or porcupines (the lab work has yet to come back
from forensics). Along with seven fractured ribs, a broken nose, sprained neck,
REX
WEA
and a torn colon, I was suffering from a
severed tongue. Supposedly I had bitten
it off, but the doctors say that the bite
marks indicate it being bitten off by
someone else. Later that day I had found
out that two of my friends were responsible for saving my life. They had been in
the hospital briefly to get stitched up,
because they had taken a few of the Irish
beats that were being dealt out to me, in
order to stop the brutality. At least I have
them to thank for rescuing me, there's
always a silver lining I suppose. So, if
you could respond with the answer to
my reply, that would be greatly appreciated.
Yung Hsi
Well Yung, I'm afraid that you've been a
victim to more than a savage assault and
battery. I'm sure that your so called
"friends" were not responsible for your
saving, but rather it was they who had
beaten you. I'm willing to bet that while
you weren't looking, they had slipped
some rohypnol into your Coke. It had
taken a few minutes to take affect, and
when you were walking towards the bus
loop you had probably collapsed. At
which point they had beaten you with
what I'm pretty sure to be porcupines
not cacti. Without knowing the results
I'm sure that it was porcupines because,
cacti are very brittle, and would break
apart after only a few swings. A mangled
porcupine, however, has just the right
amount of elasticity to stand up to a
good beating. Your "friends" then gave
each other a few blows to seem more
believable when they told their story. I
suggest that you speak to the authorities
about this. As for your tongue, there is a
surgery where your tongue can be
extended. You can go to any doctor who
specializes in rib-removal, as they will
also be practiced tongue extenders.
Unfortunately the increased use of the
drug has made an unattended beverage a
threat to us all. So, next time you see a
half empty pop can, let out a blood curdling cry and race to empty it as soon as
possible. If we all do our
part, this campus will be
safer for us all, including
the poor porcupines.
Poor porcupines?
Obviously, you've never
fbeen bitten in the ass by
one. -ed
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Jenn's Article
Miss Jenn
Available Feb. 26th in Chem B!60
Practitioner of Olde Tyme Medicine
Camping licks. There is nothing I
dislike more than Camping.
Camping instills in me a. Yucky
Feeling. Kinda like the Yucky Feeling
you get when you get pulled over at the
border and the Customs Inspector snaps
on the
Little Rubber Glove. Why do I not like
Camping so much? I wonder if it could
be-..
When I was in Grade 10 our school
introduced Fitness Class. Instead of taking Gym, you could take Fitness and do
fun stuff like goof around in the weight
room or go for a walk outside. This was
an absolute godsend for me and you can
probably figure out why if you read my
article last week. If you didn't, shame on
you.Anyway, part of your mark in
Fitness was participating in at least a few
of the field trip things. One day I went
along to play Ultimate Frisbee in the
park. On the first shot my Ultimate
Frisbee landed in The Ultimate Water
Hazard. I spent the rest of the afternoon
with an Ultimate Stick trying to get the
frikkin' Frisbee out so I wouldn't be
charged for the cost of it. One day I
went along to help out with the Mini
Triathalon. We lost 3 contestants disturbingly close to a well-used train track
on that trip. The last trip of the year was
the optional camping excursion.
Despite the fact that Bad Bad Stuff happened every time I went on a Fitness
trip, I thought it would be fun. Let me
interject here with a Miss Jenn Life
Lesson - NEVER IGNORE HISTORY. Let's
say there's a nice spot in the woods you
like to picnic in, but every time you
spread out your blanket and set out the
food an alien ship beams you up and
you get anal probed. One day you want
to go for a picnic and you wonder where
to go. Unless anal probing is your bag,
DON'T IGNORE HISTORY and don't go
to that spot in the woods. Anyway, this
was before the picnic-probing incident
and I hadn't quite learned that lesson
yet, so I ignored the Bad Bad Stuff that
happened on old Fitness trips and signed
up to go camping.
The trip was a canoeing-camping trip
up Indian Arm to Twin Islands. On the
appointed day we met at the dock mid-
morning in the pouring rain. We moved
the canoes from the van to the dock
using the highly sophisticated "You hold
one end, I'll hold the other, and we'll
both fall down the hill into the mud at
the same time" method. After sorting
out who was in what boat, we donned
our life jackets. I've finally figured out
how a School District 43-issue life jacket
works.
It's not stuffed with foam, as youmight
think. It is actually stuffed with an
extremely large yet light culture of
mildew which keeps you afloat. OK,
maybe not, but at least: that explains the
smell. I guess I should have figured out
something was amiss when I noticed
that instead of having "School District
43" stenciled onto the side of my canoe,
it said "Express Canoe to HELL" Here's
another Miss Jenn Life Lesson - NEVER
GET ON ANYTHING THAT SAYS IT'S
GOING TO HELL BECAUSE IT PROBABLY IS. Even if it is a Yucky Cold Wet
Day and a Nice Warm Express Number
99 pulls up to your stop, if it says HELL
in the destination window, DON'T GET
ON. So we set off in the rain , paddling
Satan's Canoe. There were 2 people
to a canoe, and scrawny me was paired
with Karen, our Olympic-Swimmer-In-
Training. You may think that this would
mean I could sit back and do nothing,
but when only one person paddles on
one side of the canoe, you go in a circle.
We had to paddle against the tide, so not
only were we going in circles (I was paddling, but I am so weak my contribution
was pretty much negligible) but we were
going backwards too.
Miraculously, after awhile we got to our
destination. It was probably only an
hour and a half of paddling, but it
seemed like years. Relativistic time dilation says that time effectively slows
down the closer to the speed of light you
travel. If that's true, we must have paddled like an Angry Ferret on PCP. But
as the canoes pulled into the islands, we
realized there was a problem. One of the
islands had a nice campground, a dock
and a fire pit, the other one had no clearings and an outhouse.
Nobody knew which island was which.
"Look for the one with the Dock" you
say. Keep in mind, we were being led by
2 Gym teachers. We were lucky to have
even made it in the right direction in the
first place. We had to make a snap decision and guess which island was which.
Would we end up sleeping on flat
ground around a roaring fire or would
we end up being able to visit the bathroom? Stay tuned for the next issue,
when the To Sleep or To Poop question
will be answered, and our heroine faces
Exploding Barbecues, a Stick in the Calf,
and an Axe-Wielding Ferret on PCP.
To be continued... (we hope)
Same Jenn Time, Same Jenn Place!
I think.
-ed PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 FEBRUARY 1998
Science Elections
Theme Page
TM
I cience elections are just around the corner; the deadline for nominations is
. Friday, February 28th. If you're one of those odd people who would like to get
' involved, this is the chance for you. All you have to do is fill out the nomination form (placed conveniently at the back of this issue), and hand it in to SUS
(Chem B160). Simple, huh?
But wait! You don't have any friends? Can't find enough signatures for your form?
No problem! Take it to one of your lectures, and pass it around the class. Tell your
classmates it's a petition to save the Thunderbird Shop! Voila!
-6
President!
The big cheese, ei
Pr§SilSftt6. The head honcho.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, not really. What does the President actually do?
A lot of time is spent as a liason between the University, other undergraduate societies, the AMS, and SUS. The President also gets to use
a big gavel at council meetings, call meetings to order, and pro
nounce complicated words like 'quorum ' and 'whereas'.
Though this position is open to everyone, a good candidate
will generally have a great deal of experience with student
politics, and with the workings of a student society. In a
pinch, though, a really cool sounding name and a cute picture will work just as well.
*
i. [ iii
OiltiH
-O-
VP, external
Two simple
words.
2.
-5
ivm
SCiCIICe Week. Sounds pretty easy, huh? It's not.
Consider, first the logistics of Science Week. Six
Thousand science students; twenty science clubs, seven
days, twenty five kegs of beer, and no room for mistakes.
Sound like fun? Throw in a seat on AMS Council and
responsibility for SUS bookings, and you have a pretty
good time, indeed.
Want to run for Internal VP? Fill out the form, and mark
off January '99 as busy^It's going to be one hell of a ride.
V
%
What happens if the president dies?
Millions die, and the internal Vice President takes
over the job. So, other than being glorified life
insurance, what does the VP Internal do?
Well, they run these elections, for one. Add to that the Annual General meeting, the First Year Committee, and the fabulous Wine and Cheese, and you
get a pretty good idea. Yum.
It the   %
nform %
3.
ii iiw*
I want a refundlThats what a c0U-
pie of hundred science students say
every year. Who gets to coordinate all
of these refunds, and to ensure that
everyone is happy?
The Director of Sports, of course.
Also included in the portfolio are
the organization of SUS teams,
and the planning of the annual
sports banquet.
If you're into sports, and you want
to get involve, this may just be the
position for you.
ff
&
Secretary
NOW I ineWffhatisntfilillEtg.
Secretaries fetch coffee, take phone messages, and sleep with the boss, right? Not quite. The secretary is the record-
keeper of the Science Undergraduate Society, keeping minutes, and updates the constitution when needed. When
you have both an executive meeting and a general council meeting to transcribe, time can get a wee bit scarce.
Of course, the secretary is also responsible for keeping the office chock-full of office supplies.
' D
Public Relations Officer,
Remember Watergate? Nether do
You've probably heard of it, though. Believe it or not, someone was left to clean up the mess.
In the event that the SUS president was to be caught in bed with the Premier, the PRO would probably be left to explain. In the
meantime, however, the PRO plans charity events, both during the year, and in Science Week. Other than that, it's pretty much a free
ride.
Ire yets a total moron?
Oo you enjoy self-mutilatien?
If the answer to any of the above questions was 'yes', you may be in luck. The Director of Publications is in charge of The 432.
This usually means that he or she is stuck with the dubious title of Editor. If you've ever tried to herd a group of cats, you probably already have an idea of just how fun this job is.Mind you, if you have a fondness for late nights, a thirst for fame, and a
penchant for layout and graphic design, this may be the place for you. In the past, the DoP has usually been a former columnist, or assistant editor of this paper. Of course, things can always change.
The Faculty ot Science Presents
A lecture Series
for JUL Science
Saderoradaates
It's new and it's for you!
Degenerative Disease:
Unravelling the Unravelling Brain
A Science First! Lecture by0*-<-' *
Dr. Lynn Raymond *
and nc~*
Dr. Peter Reiner v"~
Psychiatry Department
Thursday, 26 February 1998
12:30 -1:30 pm, Room 100,
Wesbrook Building, UBC
PflRTI G l«BTE
QUESTIONS?   Cflll 822-9876
the elections
NOMINATION FORM
is right on the
BACK PA6E
of this paper.
TAe^bittiV'Dl'ScieW^'Ksi^iiii^
A lemurs Sstfes
for All Science
It's for You
PERCEPTION AND COGNITION:
The Seeing Brain,
the Thinking Eye
A Scienct First! Ucam by
Dr. Deborah Glsschi, opitMmtoty and
Dr. Junes Enns, JV"*»
Thwsdly, 5 March 1998
12:30 -130 pm. Room 100, Wesbtook Building, UBC
PARTICIPATE 25 FEBRUARY 1998
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
Las Gavetas De SUS
Bella CaivaUho
President
Troy Loss
Director of Sales
It appears that in the last issue of the paper, there was a small uprising within the
SUS. A certain director of finance took it upon himself to displace your president
in her role. I'm happy to say that the coup has been dealt with, and that all
involved have been summarily punished. I am once again your supreme dictator
(er...democratically appointed facilitator). The public will has spoken.
On to more pressing matters, the SUS elections are fast approaching. By the time
this paper comes out, you will have 3 days to get your nomination in to elections
commissioner Doug Beleznay (hey...wait a minute...I see a connection here). After
that, no whining allowed about who the candidates are. This is your chance to get
involved and make SUS what you want it to be. Details about elections dates, all candidates meeting and other nit-picky stuff can be round in Doug's article, or by hunting him down.
If you are unsatisfied with student-level restructuring, feel free to try to change the
whole University! Dr. Piper, along with other lofty members of the administration,
are currently working on a "UBC Vision", a document that would spell out what the
University hopes to accomplish in the next century, and steps it must take to do so.
Any ideas you have can be sent directly to the presidents office, faxed, or e-mailed.
Or you can pick up a copy of a list of questions this document hopes to focus on
from me, or the AMS business offices.
Grad Class...if you are in 4th year (or, in some cases, later years), you are considered
a member of the 1998 Grad Class. As such, you have a say as to the gift that we (for
I too plan to graduate) will be giving the University this year. Gifts will be voted on
in early March, but for now, you can submit your ideas on what you think would be
a great gift. There is a $3000 maximum per gift, and it should be visible, durable and
universal. Submit your idea, along with a 100 word description, cost estimate and a
brief description of the allocation of funds in to Grad Class Council by Feb 27th.
(You can drop these off in my box in SUS, or Ruta Fluxgold's office the the SUB.)
Also, grads, keep your eyes peeled for Grad Dinner-Dance tickets. For the first year
ever, SUS will be holding it's own Grad event. So, if you and all your friends are scattered across many departments, and you all want to go to the same Grad, this is for
you. Ticket prices are still to be finalized at the time my article is due, but will be very
reasonable. The event itself will be held at the Hotel Vancouver, on March 28th. If
you are interested, come find me or another exec that's been here for too many years
(Doug, Jer, Phil or Aarne) and we'll be able to sell you tickets, or give you more info.
And, for this week, that is all folks. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a trike to go polish.
Mikey Boetzkes
Sodal Coordinator
Well now that I have spent a little bit more of my budget than I was originally allowed to all the remaining events this year are going to have to be
done really really cheaply. I'm thinking something along the lines of everyone going to the liquor store buying lots of alcohol and then bringing it to some yet
to be disclosed location and drink.
As I see it this will reduce the number of people who complain because for some
reason don't have the exact same taste in beer as me. This also allows the cider
drinkers to have the largest selection possible. I think that it will also be a lot cheaper for SUS.
If anyone thinks that they have a better idea than this feel free to tell me. Just come
into SUS and as soon as I get out of the hospital I get right onto it.
Thanks everyone bye now.
Mikey was abducted by aliens last Wednesday. They implanted a computer chip which
allows him to actually stay under budget. As a result, we'll be able to have another event
this year.
Yay! -ed
Edrick Yu	
Public Relations Officer
Edrick here again. Well folks, it's time once again to empty your pockets for this
university. But this time it's for a good cause. Kathryn Murray has organized
Science's promotion of Class Act. Class Act is an organization which collects
donations from graduating students to leave a lasting contribution to UBC. This year
we'll be contacting students and asking for a $20 donation. Proceeds will go towards
fixing the Astronomy telescope which is in desperate need of repair. Please help us
out by giving back to UBC Science. The University is going to match the student contributions. Also, the faculty which raises the most money will have their overall contribution (including the University's match) doubled by the University. If you have
questions or would like to contribute, please contact Kathryn Murray in the Science
Undergraduate office in Chem B160. Thanks for your contributions.
Doug Beleznay
Science Executive Elections Commissioner
H
ello. I've just been appointed by Science Council to be the Science Executive
Elections Commissioner. If you have any questions about the election you can
contact me at SUS in Chem B160 or call SUS at 822-4235. Bye.
It's cardigan time again folks. We hope to order in a whole new batch of Science
cardigan so sign up soon. We're also still selling 22 oz. Science Bzzr Mug and hopefully we'll order more Science fleeces. There is also a limited supply of Science
Week shirts, featuring the artwork of our own Jake McKinlay. Get 'em while they're
hot. Also, I found some old Science logo patches in the bowels of the SUS office.
There's some numbers and letters too, so you can spell "69" or "Jo average" on your
cardigan, fleece, back-pack, or whatever. Keep your eyes peeled for future ads involving Jenn Gardy wearing only a Science cardigan (if that doesn't make you want to
buy a cardigan, I don't know what will. Anyway, gotta go.
SINGLES seeking Companionship
"And if all else fails, you an always find yaw perfect
companion in. KhdxxruvsW-a satisfied Photo-Personals' user
{Phdto-PersoI^ils,
D
Domlnik
Cement Wall
Box 0000
Hi single ladies. My name is Dominik
and I'm looking for a special companion
to 'do the butterfly' with, if you know
what I mean! I like petite ladies who are
in to whips and chains. I prefer women
who have multiple nipple piercings and
who 'love' curved hockey sticks. I want a
girl who'll allow shots between her legs,
because I won't!
Saddam
Overlord
Box 0666
Hi. You may recognize from the nightly
news, and you may think that I'm a
genocidai maniac. But I'm not, in the
inside. I like to snuggle and feel loved.
I'm looking for that special somebody
who'll inspect my biological weapon! If
you're not afraid of Americans and if you
like to live on the edge, then you're
welcome to come tap my oil well...
Mlartha
Office Work
Box 1197
Hi there. My name is Martha and I want
to find a special someone for discreet
meetings late at night. You are the perfect
male for me if you are 18-30, you are tall
and slim, you have long wavy hair, and
you love to 'camp out'. I will reply to
everyone arid I think that the 432's Photo-
Personals is a great idea. Think about it!
KHrM&
'Rktkhy
Employed
—7     Box 6969
Good day, everybody. We are a bi-
curious couple who are into smoking
large pipes and a bit of S&M once in a
while. We are financially secure, and our
herd of goat exceeds 100. We enjoy long
walks to the local watering hole: you
never know who or what you'll meet
along the way! If you want to explore
sexual karma the pygmy way, give us a
ring.
Industry
flcademia^
S
overniment
Chemistry Forum '98
is coming!!!
Thursday, March Sth
First Nations House of Learning
lO.OOam to 3:00pm (lunch included)
Register at the Chem Club at Chem D222 PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 FEBRUARY 1998
Time Travel Sucks
We've all thought about time
travel before. It's a common
dream for young men all around
the country (strangely, women don't
share this particular want. Much like
hockey and beer, I suppose). Let's face it,
aside from a naked and bound Cindy
Crawford lathered in whip cream, a time
machine has got to be the number one
all-time requested Christmas present for
teenage boys.
So say next December 25 rolls around
and you wake up in the morning. You
wonder what that unhealthily obese red
imp left you under the tree last night.
You wander downstairs and find not that
red sleigh you asked for, but Cindy,
bound and begging for you to call
Interpool.
Next December 25, just two days after
you had grown tired of your old present,
you go downstairs to find, yes, a time
machine! Your dreams have come true!
Now comes the problem. Everyone desperately wants a time machine, much
like Cindy. But unlike Cindy, not everyone immediately would know what to
do with one should they actually get it.
"What! What do you mean I wouldn't
know what to do with it?!?" you
exclaim, "It's painstakingly obvious! I'd
change history for good! I'd make millions on the stock exchange! I'd knock
off Hitler when he was seven!"
That's a very common answer. You see,
when I say that most people wouldn't
know what to do with a time machine, I
mean that most people wouldn't know
how to use it. Think about it. If you went
back and knocked off Hitler, you might
change the course of history so much
that your parents might never have met,
thereby creating a Grandfather Paradox.
For those of you who don't know what a
Grandfather Paradox is (read: those of
you in Arts), quit reading now and go
back to staring at Van Goghs and occasionally saying 'Brilliant.' Anyway, I
digress, if you create said paradox, your
magnificent historical and selfless
change doesn't happen and you cease to
exist. Not exactly efficient use of a miracle machine, now is this? The same
thing goes for making millions on the
stock exchange or pushing the Queen
Mother off of a cliff. (She is the root of
all modern evil, you know. You wouldn't
suspect it, but she knocked off Lady Di.
The bitch.)
So you have this revolutionary machine
sitting in your living room and you have
no use for it except to make idle conversation. "So what's that thing over
there?" "What? Oh that, it's a Ming
Dynasty vase. My dad brought it back
from China, isn't it nice?" "No, the
thing it's sitting on." "Oh that. It's just a
time machine, not much use for it. So
how's your Uncle Albert?"
Wrong. You can still use the thing, but
you have to use it wisely and conservatively. Like traveling back to open the
door of your apartment when you
locked yourself out last Tuesday. Or
warning yourself not to chug that giant
drink at the beer garden last Friday. Or
using the summer holidays to study for
your April exams.
Myself, I'd pull historical practical jokes.
For instance I'd put a whoopee cushion
on Jesus' seat right before the last supper.
The drama and suspense certainly couldn't hold up when Jesus lets one rip as he
sits down at the table. Of course, there is
the distinct possibility that traveling
back to 30 AD may reveal that Jesus was
a three foot six inch tall bald dwarf with
a major flatulence problem and that historians portrayed him as a skinny, bearded hippie to raise the sympathy vote.
Just think about the true facts that have
been changed to make history sound
better. For instance, Joan of Arc was actually Jean d'Arch, a 5 foot 2 inch tall flaming French queen with a foot fetish and
a penchant for high heels. He reportedly
drove the majority of the English out of
France by slapping them and calling
them "skanky whores." See, real history
just isn't as interesting as the stuff you
get in History 135.
Another example is the crusades. They
weren't exactly groups of thousands of
brave Catholic knights bent on freeing
the holy land from the infidel so much
as they were six guys from Sussex shipping bad Islamic pornography from
Jerusalem on order of the king. (Believe
me, if anyone can make really bad
pornography, it has got to be the
Muslims.)
Then there's Noah. I don't know where
to start with Noah. The bible reports that
Noah built this very large boat, stuffed it
full of pairs of rare and exotic animals,
and floated away during the "Great
Flood" so that he and these animals
could populate the world when the
water dried up. This story only has one
thing in common with the truth: sex,
lots of sex. In reality, Noah ran a floating
amusement park called "Big Gay Noah's
Big Gay Boat Ride" in which paying
zoophilic customers could have sex with
exotic animals of their choice. Pretty
good service for 3000 BC.
How can you know that I'm not just
making this stuff up? Well, truth be told,
I am, but that doesn't change anything.
You see, this stuff could have happened
and you wouldn't know it because some
guy 2500 years ago decided that fiction
was more interesting than fact. We
should thank this mystery man because,
let's face it, Noah never would have
made the first cut in the bible's editing
process otherwise.
The moral of the story? Time travel ain't
all it's cut up to be. Jules Verne made it
up to be this dramatic and exciting fun-
filled adventure. Mostly it just involves
crouching behind a hedge watching
famous people in robes doing boring
stuff in a language you can't understand.
Not exactly thrilling.
So forget about it. Time travel is boring.
People are boring.  History is boring.
Julius Caesar died at 64 from a heart
attack. The Three Musketeers were traveling insurance salesmen. And don't get
me started on the dinosaurs...
John is currently building a time machine,
based on the plans he found in the back of
an old comic book. Anyone have a Batman
decoder ring? -ed
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