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UBC Publications

The 432 Mar 23, 2004

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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Volume 17 Issue 9
Christian fundamentalists protest sloth marriage
by Jo Krack
The recent discovery that former Prime Minister Jean
Chretien pushed through legislation legalizing sloth marriages
as well as gay marriages has
thrown Christian
Fundamentalists into a frenzy.
At a recent Against Sinful Sex
(ASS) meeting, President
Gordon Thompson called for a
massive protest aimed at repealing the controversial new law.
"We must let Paul Martin know
that he is responsible for righting
the wrongs of his predecessor.
Same-sex marriages are bad
enough, but sloth sex? Now
that's just disgusting!"
Jessica Parker of the Vancouver
Aquarium was able to offer the
following defense of sloths:
"Sloths are mammals that reach
a full length of one and a half to
two and a half feet long. They
spend approximately 15 hours of
each day asleep, hanging from
trees.   They   have   very   slow
SLOTH-SEX TRADE WORK! Kia, an activist and a feminist, still can
only find employment as a stripper at the Pit. She suspects nobody else will
hire her because she's a lesbian sloth, brie pogue photo
metabolisms, so they don't need
to eat very much or often."
When asked why Christian
groups would be opposed to
sloth marriage, she said, "I don't
know. Um, besides sleeping
most of their lives, they also
mate and give birth upside
down. Is that forbidden in the
Bible? I suppose some might
consider it kinky or something."
No sloths at the aquarium were
available for comment, as they
were all asleep.
When asked to clarify his anti-
sloth position, ASS President
Thompson said: "As any Godfearing church-going Christian
knows, sloth is one of the seven
deadly sins. Thus the sloth itself
is an evil incarnation of all that is
lazy and sinful. To allow people
to enter into holy wedlock with
sin incarnate goes against the
teachings of Christ and God the
Father, and ASS cannot allow it.
If we allow people to marry
sloths, before we know it they
will be marrying badgers and
hippies." Thompson went on to
point out that although some
people might pursue sloths as
sexual partners because they are
reputed to be "the easiest mammals alive," sloths would make
terrible marriage partners, as
they are unlikely to ever master
bathing or even using the toilet.
Local resident Paul Frank disagrees. Frank has been dating a
sloth for the past four years, and
is relieved that they can finally
set a date for the wedding. "It's
been rough at times, being so in
love but not having the blessing
of      society-at-large,"      Frank
WORKIN' THE BLING! Arthur, a gay sloth, has to resort to pimpin' to fulfill his emotional inadequacies, brie pogue photo
admits. "Kia and I still get stared
at when we're out together, and
sometimes I have to pretend that
I'm just her trainer or something.
And don't even get me started
on the hell that P.E.T.A has put
me through! But in the end, it's
all been worth it. Kia may not
move much, but she doesn't
complain a lot either. She's easier to get along with than all my
past partners combined!"
However, gay-sloth-rights
activist Sue Weston argues that
the recent legislation has not
gone far enough. "I have been in
a committed lesbian relationship
with Angelique, who is a two-
toed sloth, for the past two years.
If either of us were male or
human, we could be married by
now. Gay humans can marry,
straight sloths can marry, but
gay sloths are still discriminated
against. This is clearly unacceptable."
Both ASS and gay-sloth-rights
groups have planned demonstrations for the coming weekend. Paul Martin could not be
reached for comment by time of
press, but an inside source
reported that "The Prime
Minister appears more concerned about marmots than
AMS gives away all financial holdings
by Spencer Keys
In an extraordinary move to
increase post-secondary accessibility for international students,
the Alma Mater Society (AMS)
Council voted 3-1 to dissolve the
AMS and give its financial and
property assets away to a young
Ethiopian girl named Ikwefwi
Ogandha. Thirty-four councillors abstained from the vote.
AMS President Aminced Pie,
the first Quaker president in the
history of the AMS, brought the
motion to Council because she
"felt there was an important
opportunity for the AMS to fundamentally change the life of a a
disadvantaged person of
colour." The motion was the
result of the long-lasting debate
over whether or not a representative of international students
should sit on the AMS Council.
"I was very supportive of the
first motion," said Pie, "but I
wasn't convinced it was doing
enough to create parity between
Canadians and Africans going to
Irish Arts Councillor Quinn
O'Morrey   spoke   passionately
towards both sides of the
motion, "Top 'o the morning,
this is the dumbest thing that
I've ever heard of come before
the AMS. I'll be Lucifer's bed-
mate if I'm going to allow us to
destroy our ability to do anything. Qn the other hand, I don't
hate Ethiopians so I can't vote
against it. I like potatoes."
Pie noticed Ogandha was mentioned in a UNICEF newsletter
and contacted her. Upon hearing
the news of her windfall,
Ogandha wrote, in an open letter
to Council, "Thank you for your
letr. I am six. I go to skool. My
favorit color is brown. All I see is
brown, ubc sunds happy, my
daddy says i can go ther when he
kills the presdent."
Ogandha's father, Bernudi
Oghanda, was even more
pleased than his ingenue of a
daughter. "With this money I
can buy real Russian
Kalashnikovs so my freedom
fighters will be able to kill the
government swine with more
accuracy. Our movement was on
the verge of annihilation but the
generosity of the AMS means we
will remain strong."
Mr. Oghanda is the head of an
Islamist rebellion in southeast
Ethiopia with ties to Al-Qaeda.
UN-imposed sanctions have
made it difficult for him to sell
diamonds to his Russian and
French financial backers but this
infusion of capital has allowed
negotiations between himself
and Abdul Qadeer Khan, the former Pakistani nuclear scientist
that sold nuclear secrets to Iran,
to reopen.
Said Pie, "I think history will
judge us fairly. I'm pleased."
SPORTS   You guessed it:
we lost: page 3.
CULTURE No luck here
either, page 4.
While Jocelvn anliti pates naming her fiistboin diild
'Samantha Batinan'; I myself fancy tie name
'Godzilla Godzilla"... Fior obvious reasons.
fi   it
Tine SLipeipowei"s will, of couise, be maintained by
a routine of eating play-dough for bieal'fast every"
morning. TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2004
SWM seeks brown furry
sloth. Three toed preferred,
but open minded and willing
to try new things, so not
going to exclude the possibility of happiness with a
two-toed. Must like having
babies everywhere. Sense of
smell a plus. #2600.
Campus paper seeks intelligent contributors. Sick of
being alone on Saturday
nights, bored. Let's get
together and catch a movie
and pretend to catch references to Kierkegaard
throughout. Inquire at the
Underground. Basic grammar, spelling skills not
Woman seeking ex-controlling sister. I know you're
out there, you horrid bitch,
and I want him back. #3717
AMS Council votes to
overhaul SUB
Hippies happy, everybody else slightly dazed and confused but
wanting another one of those brownies
Educated ninja for hire.
Will provide own tabas,
throwing stars, stunt doubles.
Specialization in flips, acrobatics, chopping off body
parts, moving stealthily to
techno music. Payment by
visa only, please.
"Dog" the dog. Will be
sorely missed; your last
moments before the Plant
Ops truck will haunt us
always. Donations to bone
cancer in lieu of flowers.
Innocence. Tragically
passed away last pit night.
Now I know that long island
iced teas aren't just a fancy
name for ice tea.
The Student Union Building will
be looking a lot different next
year, due to a motion passed
Wednesday night in AMS council. Passed by a mere 2 votes for a
two thirds majority, the new
changes were approved with just
1 councillor over quorum. The
drastic new changes include
expanding the UBC Food Coop
to encompass half the SUB basement, requiring the Outpost to
supply their own labour for their
UBC clothing line, and shrinking
AMS Food Services to include
only The Pendulum.
These changes came about after
the new AMS Executive presented their united goal to make the
SUB sustainable. Their plans are
to provide all the food for AMS
Food Services with food from
UBC, and to provide all the
labour for the clothing that will
be sold, along with getting rid of
all the polluting and wasteful
outlets in the building.
AMS President Amina Rai
explains her executives' decision:
"We feel this is a positive step in
the direction of sustainability,
equity and social justice. We will
be setting a precedent for other
universities to follow in our footsteps, making this world a better
place for all."
Plans for the basement include
removing the post office, all food
outlets except the Pendulum,
The Pit, and the arcade.
Downstairs club offices will be
grouped and moved to the
North West corner, while the
Pendulum will expand to take
over the area occupied by The
Pit. The rest of the basement will
be turned into a fair trade market, including a massive hen
house for the free range chickens
(both meat and organic eggs will
be offered for sale). The chickens
will be raised outdoors on
Mclnness Field. The Esstydey is
being forced to share its office
with dairy cows at night for the
production of organic milk.
Half the main floor of the SUB
will be turned into a clothing
outlet producing their own
clothes, where students will be
able to work at fair wages on
production lines. The clothing
will only be made of organic cotton and hemp and will contain
no harmful dyes or chemicals.
Henna dyes will produce images
on the clothes and the fabric will
come in a variety of browns,
tans, off whites and greens. The
executive is asking the
University Administration to
consider changing the school
colours to tan and green. No
response has yet been heard
from the President's Office.
The rest of the main floor of the
SUB will be turned into a massive centre for the Resource
Groups and Women's Office.
The upper floor of the SUB will
house the usual club offices and
social spaces, however there will
be some changes. The courtyard
will be turned into a native plant
garden, while the ballroom will
make use of the windows on the
ceiling by removing the ceiling
fixtures and turning the room
into a greenhouse.
To reduce paper waste in the
building, there will be a strict no-
postering rule and the Esstydey
will be reducing its publication
to half of the current distribution
The Pendulum will be serving
only organic vegetarian and
vegan cuisine with the majority
of ingredients produced at the
UBC Farm or the new Food
Coop. Beer and wine will be
available,   however   only   one
brand of each is available organically, so selection will be limited.
Science representative Alan
Warkentin commented that
"many of us were not present at
that meeting, especially those of
us that would have disagreed
with the motion. I was on my
way to the meeting and eating a
great brownie that Lyle made for
me, and the next thing I knew I
was waking up to the sound of
nearby crows on the side of a
trail in Pacific Spirit Park. Other
council members have told me
they had similar experiences. I
think we were purposefully prevented from attending that meeting."
While none of the councillors
that missed the AMS meeting
have laid charges yet, a full
investigation is expected.
When questioned about the
memory lapses of the councillors, Amina Rai responded, "The
councillors probably went to The
Pit before council and got drunk,
forgot about council and passed
out on their way home. It had
nothing to do with the large
batch of Lyle's 'special' brownies
that went missing. It's quite
unfortunate, really. This is one of
the reasons why we need to
replace the Pit with something
more wholesome."
For the time being, plans are
underway to begin renovations
in June, and are expected to be
completed by September 3rd of
this year in time for the first day
of the 2004-2005 school year.
Frosh are expected to take to the
new SUB easily, as most of them
are underage and only used to
one kind of beer - Extra Old
Stock - anyways.
Two breasts enter...
One breast leaves
Essteydey uses FOI request
In a heroic effort by this reporter
and his researcher, Pepe, the
Esstydey was able to successful
beat the lawyers of the evil UBC
administration. It started in
November, 2003, when a simple
request by Pepe resulted in substantive stonewalling by the
Office of the President. "They
said no plans had been made,"
says Pepe, "but you said they
were just trying to hide information from the public." After
months of legal wrangling, the
University Counsel's Office finally submitted to our repeated
requests. The information
requested was detailed plans
kept by the UBC Executive Chef
for Martha Piper's upcoming
lunch with the Dalai Lama. They
will be starting off with a lentil
soup, then moving on to barbecue spare ribs and finishing off
with a piece of seasonal blueberry pie.
AMS Events books Kim
Jong-ll to speak to students
Following up on its mandate to
foster critical discussion from all
points of view, the AMS has
booked North Korean dictator
Kim Jong-il for a speaking
engagement at the Norm
Theatre. When asked for comment, AMS VP External Holy
Foxcrotch said that "I don't see
the problem with having the
Dear Leader come and speak to
us. Just because he's part of the
Axis of Evil doesn't mean that
he's evil. Or that he rotates, for
that matter. Have you seen anyone rotate? He doesn't. There's
no axis there."
After furnishing us with a comment, Foxcrotch retreated to her
office, which smelt strongly of
kimchi, as she closed the door.
She would not take any further
questions, instead referring us to
VP Admin, Style McManscape,
who threw a boiled puppy at us
before fleeing in a Hyundai.
Bomb threat called in right
before accounting exam
"All I said was 'God, I have
explosive gas,'" said Sikh-
Canadian student Fardeep
Dhaliwal. "Then, the next thing I
know, somebody's screaming
something about 'Allah' and
'high explosives' and the next
thing I know, the bell is going
and we're all filing out. Man, I
spent all night studying for that. I
could've slept or done my
Marketing assignment. What a
Mr. Dhaliwal is not expected to
consume bean burritos as a midnight snack before his stats
midterm on Thursday. THE ESSTYDEY
FECES investigates allegations of substance abuse
In a press conference last week,
the Federal Education
Cooperative for Elementary
Sports (FECES) announced that is
is looking into allegations that
UBC athletes are using avian
fecal matter derivatives as performance enhancing drugs. Qn
Friday, a spokesperson for the
regulatory body said that they
had received reports that specific
individuals affiliated with UBC
athletic teams were harvesting
local seagull feces and refining
the crude material into high quality performance enhancers.
Heading the investigation into
the matter is Dr. Jeff Daring, who
says, "We know that crude droppings can be collected and
through simple synthetic and
purification techniques can be
converted into potent biochemi-
cals. The concern is that, unlike
most common banned substances which are protein and
lipid based, these new derivatives are organic salts and as such
are more potent.
Reaction to this news has been
mixed, especially from within the
UBC athletic community. One
student commented, "I don't see
what the big deal is about, if
those guys want to be eating bird
shit then let them!"
No more wet dreams
Playoff hopes were ended prematurely this weekend as the
women's T-Bird water-balloon
team played their last two games.
Playing the U of T Wankers, the
women were out-shot 25-15 on
Friday and lost 6-0. To add injury
to insult, T-Bird water-ballooner
superstar Mindi Mosheynovo
was injured by a slightly frozen
water balloon. "I knew we were
taking a risk playing in the U of T
ice rink, but I figured if I got hurt,
I would get a bundle from my
insurance and I could get an
extension on some assignments
too, and after all, that's what
sports is really about, right?"
Despite the developments, the
UBC women were determined
not to give up efforts and on
Saturday, they recorded a 1-1 tie
with the McMaster Bators, putting them on on par with the last
two contenders for a playoff spot.
With no more games left, however, UBC is unable to make the last
playoff spot.
They talk the talk
Last week, the normally lacklustre UBC men's runway team, in
do-or-die fashion, finally made
the nationals. "We're so excited to
finally get a chance to strut our
stuff in Toronto," said captain
Jake McHale. "Our chances have
always looked slim, but I'm sure
we can walk out of that competition with the coveted Emaciation
Still getting picked up at 17.
Hi, my name is Sloth.
I am in 4th Year, studying
Zoology at UBC. I like to
sleep, play camouflage,
eat leaves and I'm into
hiding. I hang out in
trees and the Arts
Lounge. I like to shop at
the Rainforest Cafe and
I take the treetops
to school.
And yes...
I do read
the Black Plague!
having unearthed the honllnle conspiracy,
Worldly Dave does the only reasonable
tiling. He asks Charlton Hes'ton to get Die
word out. Heston sets off at top speed.
But our hero is spotted as he runs
down an alleyway...
Gotta get the
word out!
Gotta tell
Hey! That guy was
wealing an ascot!
I guess we better
kill him before he
gets tie woid out
What word?
^37 /      who knows?!?
Hey ascot guylWete
gonnastart killing you
bang! bang! bang! bang!
f Even Ihough I arn a stickrnan, I wear ttiis     *
shirt because I caie about my apeaiances.
I am what you would call a"metiosexual".
What lhe hell does that
| mean?
'Are vou stupid? It's obvious by definitiorTN
that a " Melrose xual" would be anyone       |
who gets off on he subway.
No... Not everyone... Charlie chained to the
Chair, tor instance... TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2004
The Tortured Lament of a First Year Boy
now playing intermittently in the First Cariboo
Bathroom, Place Vanier
until Apr. 8
by Spencer Keys
In this post-Saddam, pre-Extenz
era, one vital piece of UBC culture has been missing - effective
performance art. So I was
pleased to stumble upon a hitherto unmentioned part of the
Theatre  at UBC lineup while
availing myself of the restroom
on the first floor of Cariboo
House in Place Vanier.
Performed by first year Arts student, "Mike", Jack N. is a piece
about the intense loneliness of
first year residence and the difficulties in finding intimate companionship.
Set in an open shower stall, Jack
N. begins with Mike slowly flipping through the pages of a hen-
tai magazine while stroking his
hand over his stomach and chest.
As the writer, director, and sole
actor, Mike had to make a lot of
serious dramatic choices and
wisely chose to do the entire
play naked, save for a single
light blue sock on his left foot.
The sock clearly symbolizes the
"blue" nature of both the character's demeanour and the pornography that he voraciously consumes.
After ten minutes of rubbing his
torso, the first tear begins to
slowly fall down the contours of
his cheek, showing the inner torment of his wounded soul as he
begins to manipulate his penis.
The tears develop into  a full-
body sob and while the seemingly divergent actions of sobbing
and intense masturbation confused this reviewer, in this post-
Janet Jackson nipple epoch, in
which we live, the associated
uncertainties I felt seemed misguided at best. Instead I had to
question the essence of his pain.
"JACLYN!", he wails and it
becomes clear that Mike has
faced the scorn of a woman. His
red-faced intensity shows not
only disappointment but determination. The not-so-shocking
climax of the play is forgivable if
only because the play is an emotional journey. At a marathon
forty minutes from start to finish, the spectator cannot help but
feel an involvement in Mike's life
and is fundamentally changed
for having experienced it. His
ability to disregard your presence shows the strength of a seasoned actor. While the play is
short on dialogue the story is
told masterfully. With easily
accessible subject matter, the
direction and acting of Jack N.
puts it amongst some of the
finest material ever developed at
Cold Fusion, or: Two
Drunks at the Pit
nightly at the Pit Pub
until Apr. 8
by Gerald Deo
I didn't expect to find such masterful dance and improvisational
theatre displays in the Pit.
Unnamed Student #1 displayed
such effortless zeal in finding a
partner for his impromptu performance. Agonizingly careful, I
watched in rapt fascination as he
launched into an interpretive
dance, set to the tune of "Shake
Your Rump". Since the audience
was freely mixed with the performers, there was well-
rehearsed disdain from some
and obvious amazement from
audience members, with some
groups shaking their heads and
pointing fingers, and one table
hanging their heads in sorrow
before downing their beers. A
dervish of pelvic thrusts and
flailing elbows, he eventually
found his partner for the night.
Her entrance was... unconventional. Lit by disco ball and the
glow of cigarettes, The Girl fell
onto the dance floor, and was
victim to an elbow and a pelvic
thrust. One casually exposed
thong later, the masterful improv
started; he apologizing and she
slowly moving towards mollification. It was edge-of-seat action;
better than anything you'll see in
blockbusters like Passion of the
Christ, or even Battlefield: Earth.
I took a break here to finish my
drink, so I'm not sure what (if
anything) transpired, but when I
looked up again, it was the best
of times. Back on the dancefloor,
this time to the pounding
rhythms of "Toxic", the pair
thrust and elbowed in tandem,
slowly conquering a swath of
precious wood floor and moving
towards a booth. With a casual
display of her bosom, Unnamed
Student #2 convinced the boys
from Meka Beta Pi to clear out,
and the star couple edged in to a
I can't say much more without
spoiling the ending, but things
get considerably worse when the
theatre switches venues; even
though the residences offer a
more intimate experience, the
actors seem uncomfortable with
the audience being so close.
Overall, it was an excellent show,
and one I would recommend
Chez Louis' offers a superb dining experience
by Jo Krack
Ah, the seven deadly sins. Sloth,
lust, gluttony, envy, pride,
greed, anger... Each is fun in its
own way, but eventually committing these routine sins
becomes tedious and dull. All is
not lost, however! Put the spice
back into your life by combining
two or more sins, for a truly sinful time. After all, it's time to
make sinful into sinfun! Here are
my suggestions, but feel free to
experiment and come up with
your own combinations:
Sloth and Lust: Let your partner
do all the work. Just lie back and
enjoy, again and again.
Sloth and Lust and Envy: Let
your partner do all the work...
with another person. Watch
them and get good and jealous. If
you turn the whole sordid event
into a fight, you've successfully
added Anger to the mix, thus
covering four deadly sins with
one blow!
Greed and Gluttony: Don't be
satisfied with a quart of Ben and
Jerry's: buy out Safeway's entire
stock! Then refuse to share it,
even if it melts faster than you
can eat it. This is even eviler if
done in summer, or in front of a
girl suffering from PMS.
Gluttony and Sloth: Take a page
from Homer Simpson's book
and see how much you can eat
while at the same time remaining about as physically active as
someone in a coma. You might
need to be briefly industrious to
move the fridge into the TV
room; alternately, you could just
use the internet to order in (this
may necessitate moving your
computer nearer to the front
door, so you won't have to get
up to answer the door).
Pride and Sloth: Brag about how
lazy you are and how little you
get done. Bonus points if you do
this while offloading "group
project" work on your unfortunate group members.
Pride and Lust: Boast about
your number of sexual conquests. If you are in a monogamous relationship, spare friends
and complete strangers alike no
6-11pm 7 days
by Jessica Otte
Louis has achieved what few Mongolian pyroma-
niac leper emigres to Quebec could have: a fantastic restaurant adjacent to an arcade and post office
in the heartland of an impecunious academia.
After separating from long time partner Bazil, the
orange creature battled a heroin addiction and
anorexia, which led to difficulty getting acting
roles aside from Canada's Sesame Street. Citing
good friend Cookie Monster as his inspiration,
Louis, who is apparently an otter, says "I didn't
know that someone could be so passionate about
food before. CM really helped me to discover my
calling as a Gourmet. Now cuisine is not only a
fine art, but a daily celebration."
The grand opening of the SUB's newest fine-food
establishment drew a crowd of tens, who were
delighted to find out that they had mistakenly
interpreted the promotional signs for Louis' as
promising alcoholic beverages gratis, when in fact,
the beverages served were au gratin. High society members, millionaire Aloysius Snuffleupagus
and hack celebrity Guy Smiley commented that the
cheesy drinks were in keeping with Louis' "pou-
tiney" Quebecois heritage.
Many remarked that the atmosphere was stunning - a combination of post-apocalyptic decor and
ambient fluorescent lighting create a new paradigm for French fusion establishments. The quaint
lack of utensils is an obvious allusion to Aleutian
gastronomy, and nothing says "appetizing" like
freshly diced seal eyes. But the real specialty is the
fois grass, a subtle blend of creamed rubber duck
and perennial ryegrass; paired with a fine glass of
white - I recommend the 2004 Lucerne - this is a
delectable entree. Spotted whining and dining
include celebrity lovers Biert and Urnay who are
rumoured to enjoy Louie's trademark Columba
livia avec l'aioli as well as the rare bottle-cap collection in the private dining room. Reservations
details about how often you two
"do it" and how hot you are for
each other all the time. To up
your evil quotient, discuss these
matters loudly in front of (or to)
sexually frustrated people (bus
drivers, virgins, comp sci students, people who wear trucker
Anger and Lust: These go
together great in succession:
make-up sex is the best! Try not
to get angry again until after
you've fulfilled your lustful
impulses, or your partner might
decide the make-up sex isn't
worth your perpetual temper
tantrums and kick you to the
Anger and Sloth: This is a really
bad combination; it ends up
leading to lots of whining and
little else. To maintain your
slothfulness without letting your
anger go to waste, you could try
going online and posting your
angry rants in all relevant chat
rooms. Either way though, this
combo renders you Unfuckable. THE ESSTYDEY
"Have you
seen Puppets
That Kill?"
'God, no.
"I'm going to
kill myself."
Shutting down the
socially awkward
since 1987
by Stephen Naphegyi
Well, it's that time of year again.
Classes are winding down, people are getting testy, that annoying guy/girl who sits at the front
of your class and asks a million
questions is asking even more
now, because the margin for
grade grubbing is growing ever
thinner. This is the best time of
the year! This month (although I
am including April) we all have
the chance to act completely irrationally and not be held accountable for our actions! Why, you
might ask? Simple, the answer is
Stress automatically gives you
the right to bitch-out anybody
you please, in any way you
desire, and if anybody calls you
on it, you can just say "Sorry, I'm
really stressed-out right now",
smile (or laugh), and go on your
merry way. You now officially
owe nothing to anybody but
yourself, and can do whatever
you please.
Some of you may already be
familiar with this rule, and are
probably saying to yourselves "I
can do this all the time, nobody's
going to question how stressed-
out I am". But, this argument
only works on parents, and non-
UBC students. Actual UBC students will call you on being
stressed-out during January (i.e.:
before you're really behind in
anything), then they have a right
to smack you one because it can
be relatively fair to assume that
you're not stressed, and just a
However, during exams it's a
whole different ball game. Sure,
everybody's pretty stressed, but
just like everything else competitive, there's always somebody
better than, or who has it worse
than, you. As you will see, some
North Korea, a socialist republic, has
immediate openings for two public relations interns. These two-year, eat-what-
you-catch positions will be of interest to
arts graduates who have majored in either
english, political science or international
relations, and who seek a public relations
career in a challenging work environment
through work experience rather than
through advancement. Pay will range
from small to comically small, based on
loyalty, goose-stepping, and swimsuit
contests. A high level of acritical thinking
skills, doublespeak and lying are requirements. Aptitude testing (several days... in
the dark) will take place in Pyongyang.
E'liiail resumes to happykimJi62@northkorea.com
elaborate lying can also be done
during this period. So, now you
have the right to yell "fuck off
you cockmaster!" to your bastard roommate who's been stealing your food, booze, and sex
partners. You can walk down
University Boulevard and flip
off random strangers.
Now for the important part, I'm
going to give you all a lesson in
the well-practised, ancient art of
First - Choose a target. You can
pick anybody that you know you
will either never see again, or
will forgive you afterward.
Next - Decide upon your action.
I suggest coming up with some
sort of name-calling, combined
with something that pisses you
of about that person. If you
choose a random stranger, try
something like this: "Hey dumb-
fuck! Move over, the sidewalk is
made for two people!" If your
target is someone you know, try
to incorporate their name in the
insult, it adds a personal touch
that people will appreciate:
"Alex, you dipshit! Stop drinking all my fucking milk! Why
don't you get off your ass, get a
job, and go buy your own
instead of mooching off of me
you fat bastard! She only had sex
with you because it was dark
and she was really drunk!"
Now, you will experience some
negative feedback when first trying these out. Be prepared for
this, this is what the art is all
about. Some common responses
are: "What's your problem?",
"Shut up buddy!", and sometimes you may get a smack with
a purse (Grannies don't appreciate being flipped-off). Ways to
avoid reprimand include some
verbal responses, such as:
"Sorry,  I'm really stressed-out
right now", and "Lots of exams
now, guess I'm over-wound".
While it may sound like you're
backing down, you've still gotten your point across, and had a
good chance to tell somebody
off. Personally, I like to turn
away and chuckle to myself, it
makes me feel like my work is
complete. As for response to
physical reactions: duck.
Grannies aren't that fast with the
sidearm. One time, one of my
advanced students received a
kick in the nuts. My advice on
preparing for this is as follows:
A) Wear a cup, if your going to
tell it like it is, be prepared to
deal with those who haven't figured out (or don't appreciate)
that you are practising a sacred
art. B) Don't kick back (that's just
Coming back to competition.
Some people you will yell at, tell
them you're under a lot of stress,
and they will try and make it
seem as if they have it worse
than you. You have an advantage here: they will tell you their
situation first, so you can lie and
make yours worse as a comeback. Observe this example
where I have just bumped into
someone in the middle of a
Me: Get out of the way you
dumbass, why would you stop
walking in the middle of a crosswalk, it's cross-WALK, not
Other Guy: Shut up buddy,
what's your problem?
Me: Sorry, I'm under a lot of
pressure now.
Other Guy: So am I! I have three
exams in two days.
Me: So what, I have five exams
in two days, and I can't move
them because the 24 hour rule
doesn't apply to me because I'm
related to the registrar (not an
actual rule, nor do I even know
who the registrar is) and I spent
last night on the street because
my landlord changed my lock
when my rent cheque bounced
because it was post-dated and
my roommate stole all of my
money by hacking my bank
account and ran to Tibet.
Other Guy: Whoa, sorry pal.
Me: Damn right!
In this example other guy made
the mistake of listing his problems first (he was obviously
lying anyways). If he didn't I
would have forced it out of him
with sayings like "I bet I have it
worse than you" and "You
couldn't possibly understand
what I'm going through". If they
have three finals on the same
day and they're not allowed to
move them, then you have four
finals on the same day, aren't
allowed to move them, and had
your wallet stolen right after you
spent your last cash on pizza that
was pilfered out of your hands
by seagulls outside of the SUB.
The true art comes in with how
far you can push somebody, and
then still have them forgive your
sudden outburst (without getting a shot in the pills).
So, now you have everything
you need to not only yell at complete strangers, but I've even
given you safety tips. See, I can
use my powers for good as well
as for evil. Anyways, I'm about
done for the year, so to all of you
who have been slogging it out,
and working hard all year, I have
this to say: You should all fuck
off you grade-grubbing, cell
phone wielding, melodramatic,
overgrown high-
schoolers....Sorry, I'm really
stressed-out right now.
Love springs eternal
by Howard Choy
I really liked her. It's a shame
she turned out to be a soul sucking monster from hell, I think
we would have been great
together. I mean, she has a birthmark on her naval that looks
like a pentagram and I have a
tattoo of a snake on my shoulder. She has sex with the devil
on a regular basis and I use to
listen to some Black Sabbath. We
met at my cousin's funeral. I
was paying my respects and she
hell. She was dressed in black,
naturally, with long dark hair
that didn't so much as shine in
the sunlight but absorb it. She
had on dark sunglasses and was
very fair-skinned. She had on a
large brimmed hat and a simple,
conservative looking black dress
with short sleeves. At the reception area, I managed to 'accidentally' bump into her. I said,
somberly, "So how did you
know Frank?"
She sort of gave me a blank
look through her dark sunglasses and replied, "He summoned
me. Said, 'hey, uh, get me laid
and I'll give up my soul to the
dark lord'. So I gave him a piece
and then killed him."
"Killed him? I thought he was
hit by a car, it was an accident
wasn't it?"
"Honey, there are no accidents."
At this point, I was genuinely
intrigued. I had never met someone so mature, so quietly confident and at the same time, so
hot. So she screwed my cousin
and then killed him, he did ask
for it afterall. I was quick to forgive her and quickly asked her,
"So uh, what are you doing after
the funeral?"
"Well I have to deliver Frank's
soul to Lord Beelzebub, but give
me your number, I'll give you a
I quickly scribbled my number
on her hand and she gave me a
quick smile and went back to
her pew. And that, was that.
The next few weeks were amazing. We went to the park together, the carnival, caught a few
movies and we ended every
night at the Starbucks by my
house. One evening at
Starbucks, after we had gone
sailing, she asked me, "So where
is this going?"
I knew it was coming, the talk,
every man's nightmare.  I was
master is getting impatient"
This time, I wasn't playing, I
honestly didn't know what she
was talking about. I took her
hand in mine and looked her
deep in the eyes and asked,
"What are you trying to say?
What does he have to do with
any of this?"
She gave me a pained look and
sort of let out a little sigh. She
took her hand back and sat back
in her chair. She crossed her
arms and said, "So all this time
you thought we had something
going on?"
"Didn't we?"
"I thought you just wanted to
get to know me better before
you gave up your soul for a
night of wild wild sex like your
cousin did!"
"You were in it for my soul?!
My God! You women are all the
same! If it's not one thing, it's
"Oh, you're so sweet. Well if
you're not willing to give it all
up, then I'll be on my way,
prepared though, I really
thought I was ready to commit
to her, but, being a man, I had to
play stupid, so I said, "Where is
what going?"
"You know,  this!...  My lord
my life forever. I still think
about her every so often. We
had some good times together.
It's a shame it had to end that
way. If only she gave me a
chance, I think I could have
made her happy. TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2004
Dead dogs are not sustainable
Fi- OW£ W
Dan Anderson
Jon Lam
Brie Who Totally Rocks
Jen Ross
Jo Krack
Neha Bangar
Spencer Keys
Gerald Deo
Lana Rupp
Stephen Notley
Ben Tippett
Jessica Otte
Andy Martin
Howard Choy
Stephen Naphegyi
Jay Garcia
Kristin Lyons
Chris Zappavigna
Serena Siow
Dead Puppies
Hywel Tuscano
Jonathan Woodward
We're supposed to put a lot of shit here all in tiny type that
you probably won't read anyways. But you know what?
We're to lazy to be assed. And it's 5am. And we dont get
to sleep for another two days. We're supposed to put a lot
of shit here all in tiny type that you probably wont read
anyways. But you know what? We're to lazy to be assed.
And it's 5am. And we dont get to sleep for another two
days. We're supposed to put a lot of shit here all in tiny
type that you probably wont read anyways. But you know
what? We're to lazy to be assed. And it's 5am. And we
don't get to sleep for another two days. We're supposed to
put a lot of shit here all in tiny type that you probably won't
read anyways. But you know what? We're to lazy to be
assed. And it's 5am. And we don't get to sleep for another
two days. We're supposed to put a lot of shit here all in tiny
type that you probably wont read anyways. But you know
what? We're to lazy to be assed. And it's 5am. And we
don't get to sleep for another two days. We're supposed to
put a lot of shit here all in tiny type that you probably won't
read anyways. But you know what? We're to lazy to be
assed. And it's 5am. And we don't get to sleep for another
two days. Oh, and Jon Woodward drank our booze.
This 432 production is
brought to you courtesy
of our year-end issue,
the Black Plague. Hope
you enjoyed it.
We've all heard it before.
"Sustainability" is been a phrase
that has been thrown around,
tossed back and forth like a stench-
ridden corpse and shoved into
almost nearly every single one of
our orifices multiple times by the
AMS and countless university initiative programs. When we wake
up in the morning: Be sustainable
and don't flush the toilet after you
go. When you have breakfast: Be
sustainable and don't eat Froot
Loops because they were probably
made by little Indonesian children
in sweatshops. When you are in
class: Be sustainable and sit in the
lower front rows so your breathing
can help heat the upper parts of the
classroom and we can save money
on heating.
Well you know what? There is
something terrible that has been
undermining all our efforts to
make UBC sustainable: dead dogs.
Yes that's right. Did you know,
that every time a dog dies, it releases 78.9g of CFCs and other greenhouse gases? Did you know that as
its bowels expunge themselves, an
average of 50mL of methane and
other noxious gases are emitted?
Did you know that every time a
dog keels over, George W. Bush
makes plans to bomb another
country? Did you know that when
a puppy dies, all the parasites that
live in it notice the lowering temperature and vacate en masse?
How do you think that makes little
Suzy feel when, as Fido dies in her
arms, puppy eyed 'till the end,
tapeworms and ticks and fleas and
amoeabas start flowing like a
river? Did you know that it takes
over 100,000 years for a garbage
bag to decompose in a landfill, and
that if there's a puppy's body
inside, if 11 be 100,000 years before
it can fully decompose, too? Did
you know that a puppy thafs been
doused in gasoline and lit on fire
gives off as much sulphur dioxide
as running a car for two hours?
So stop killing dogs, you damned
ecoterrorists, or at least stop leaving them on my front porch every
Tuesday and Thursday.
A Demain
Year five here at UBC is done-oh
my god. Five years behind me of
memories, and nights of other
people filling in my memories.
(ed: her 'memories' are juicy like pie!
Stuffing with filling is fun!)
Ahhhhh! But really, what have I
accomplished? Well, I have this
thing called a Bachelor of Science
that those outside the university
world think is just marvelous,
and those in it, well, a wonderful
dead end degree where I can sit
on my ass the rest of my life
doing busy work for a person
with a real degree. Oh, how exciting. Well, what other options do
science grads have... well, there's
of course the med school route:
lefs see, maybe after I've applied
four times and still live with my
parents because I don't have time
to have a job because I'm spending all my time volunteering my
ass off just so those pompous
admissions people will consider
me-umm, no! Then there's the
dentistry road, commonly
known as DNMD: Did Not Make
Doctor. Yes, 40 years of having
my hand in people's mouths -
score. Yet again, umm, no! Of
course, there's always the PhD:
more years spent in a university
which ends in a career where I
can spend more years in a university - good times! Well, really,
my options are running out, so
what am I going to do? Well, I
actually do have job at the GAP
this summer. Yeah, capris and t's
in every ugly color combination I
can think of. Well, at least I'm at
the GAP on Robson - see, the key
to the BSc - I get a job at the
downtown store. Those poor artsies are stuck at the mall.
I'm off, ifs been fun... on to
using my BSc.
- Byron Rasputin
Science 5
Let's not do mermaids. They
have icky fins. They have a cloaca. What the hell is a cloaca anyways? Why would you want
one? Ifs not like ifs a scuba tank
or anything. Goldfish, now, they
have it good - at least their bodies
match their heads which also
match their tails. "Nothing gold
can stay." No rule for the fish.
- John Lenderson
Street bum 38
A Finale
It's my last article of the year,
and since I'm graduating this
term, ifs also my last article as
an undergraduate. Sure, new
Director o' Publicatin' Jon Lam
may be able to persuade me to
continue writing for this lovely,
bitter little paper, even if I do
end up going to work in Japan as
planned... but then again, the
Land of the Rising Sun just
might swallow me whole, in
which case this is
my last chance to
pass on my hard-
earned knowledge to my dedicated readers
(yes, both of
you!). So here goes: Jo Krack's
Life Lessons, or How To Fuck
Up Less. These are all the little
things that they won't tell you in
class, but that I guarantee you'll
need at some point during your
academic career. And hey, if you
end up missing me after all, you
can always email me: gim-
Never underestimate the squirrels. Seriously. Have you ever
seen them fight? They're vicious
little buggers. Plus, they often
run out in front of cyclists; I'm
convinced that those ones are
suicide squirrels, trained to jam
up your spokes and send you
sprawling. I say the sooner we
can get the Pit to serve Squirrel
Burgers, the better!
You don't need to join the gym
to lose the Freshman 15; just go
up and down the stairs to Wreck
Beach a few times a day.
Work on your oral sex skills will
never go unappreciated. People
like different things, so don't get
offended if the technique that
made your last partner convulse
with pleasure leaves your current partner bored. And remember: the more enthusiastic you
are, the more fun you'll have
learning. If only all classes could
be like that...
Avoid playing head games with
your lovers. For guys, head
games include avoiding a girl
after you've slept with her, distancing yourself if things get too
serious, and taking pride in how
little effort you put into the relationship. For girls, dirty tricks
include expecting him to read
your mind and then punishing
him when he doesn't, sleeping
with him and then expecting him
to do all sorts of things for you in
return, and telling him nothing's
wrong when you're actually so
pissed off at him that you're considering dumping him and
telling everyone you know that
he's a lousy lay. Playing games
often seems like a good idea at
the time, but in the end you're
just screwing yourself. Literally.
Be responsible for your own
actions, and let other people be
responsible for
theirs. Learn to
identify what's
your responsibility and what's
not and I guarantee your life will
run a little smoother. This takes
time to get the hang of and at
first you may feel selfish (if
you've been taking on everyone
else's problems) or overwhelmed (if you've been busy
blaming your problems on others), but the control over your
own life it gives you is worth it
in the long run.
Don't trust fat seagulls. They are
merciless when you're eating
outside, and both vicious and
clumsy enough to do you serious
damage when they dive for your
sandwich. Don't even think
about feeding them, no matter
how cute they may look. Wait,
who am I kidding? Seagulls
never look cute! They're the ugliest birds around! Even more reason not to give them your lunch.
If we just feed the cuter birds,
maybe we can drive the seagull
population to extinction, or at
least drive them back to the
beaches where they belong.
Seagulls: Not On My Campus!
Don't take good friends for
granted. True friends are worth
their weight in gold and should
be treated as such. Accept their
faults, because they have to
accept yours, too. Don't lie to
them, unless they're white lies
("you're not fat!"). Don't abandon them if you start dating
someone new. Friends are there
to cry with when life is bad and
party with when life is good, and
life gets pretty damn lonely
without them (even if you're dating someone)!
Never diet. Learning to eat
healthier is one thing; dieting is
another. Healthy eating results
in feeling satiated and energetic.
Dieting results in feeling irritable
and psychotic. When you're eating right, you'll stop obsessing
about how many pounds you've
lost or gained. When you're dieting, your mood will depend
entirely on whether you've
gained or lost weight. If you
learn to eat right, you'll be able
to incorporate a little of your
favourite junk food into your
diet. If you diet, you'll start having nightmares about your
favourite junk foods and will
probably develop post-traumatic
stress syndrome if anyone offers
you a cookie.
Become an optimist. I don't
know if this is possible, but it
makes life easier. You can't
always control what happens,
but you can control how you
react to it.
Don't base your self-worth on
your appearance. "If only I lost
some weight and got a boob job,
I'd be so much happier with my
body!" "I just need to work on
my six-pack, then I'll be able to
get a girlfriend!" Sound familiar?
If you feel ugly or unlovable
because of how you look, take a
walk around the city and look at
all the couples: old, young, middle-aged. Are they all attractive?
Nope (and even if they used to
be hot, nobody stays 21 forever).
Looks are only part of what
attracts people to each other; personality is what makes a person
stick around for more than a couple of nights. So what if the jail-
bait at the Pit or the gym studs
look more like models than you?
Maybe you don't want to date
someone who's into models anyway. People who consider their
looks their best asset are often
boring to be around: all that talk
about working out, losing
weight, shopping, clubbing,
picking people up, and so on
gets old fast. Besides, people
who are way too into themselves
are unlikely to have any attention to spare for their audience
anyway. Let them date themselves, or each other.
Don't graduate in four years.
Take at least five (I took seven).
Travel, go on exchange, do coop, take fewer credits per term...
University life may seem stressful at times, but you'll miss it
when ifs gone!
- Jo Krack
The Drawers of SUS
Serena Siow
Howdy. So this is the last of them
exec reports. It is also prehaps
the most important as it is only
recently that the Code and Policy
Committee and consequently Council
passed a whole whack of changes to
ammend the way SUS currently runs.
The changes and rationale behind them
are as follows:
The Code and Policy Committee, after
great deliberations, has voted unanimously in support of the Proposed Changes
Report (March 2004). The motion to
change the code based on the report
passed in council, with well over 2/3 of
the vote.
Many of the changes involve facilitating
turnover responsibilities to promote a
sense of continuity between years.
Councillors will also be assigned a minimum number of volunteer hours for SUS.
This is nothing new and is something
councillors should be doing anyway.
The most significant change involves
Dan Yokom
Comrade President
Hey guys, if you're still reading
this... well good for you. Just so
you know, I'm not Dan. I am, in
fact, Dan's evil twin pretending to be Dan
and writing this report. If this is your first
time reading an exec report, well don't
worry because this my first time writing
one. So what to talk about? I haven't the
foggiest... but when I think of "executive"
I think of my mother, mainly because she
makes all of the executive decisions about
my life. Like this one time, I was debating
whether or not to sell my soul to the ice
cream truck man. Thankfully my dilemma was solved when my mother took my
soul and sold it to the ice cream man for
me... well not for me, I never got a bite of
that orange creamsicle. Anyway, so about
modifying the manner in which AMS representatives are selected. Three members
of the society will be elected for the position during the Spring elections. This
allows both SUS members-at-large and
councillors to be more involved with the
AMS and form a stronger link between
the two societies.
CSP and Science One will now be distinct
from First Year in terms of departmental
representation. Since CSP and Science
One are alreay represented on council by
their own reps, having these programs
represented as well by a First Year rep is
redundant. Voting and running for First
Year rep will now be restricted to students
not in CSP and Science One.
The current code is a little unclear on con-
situting science clubs. The report outlines a more detailed and better explained
version of the process and requirements.
So that is all. Welcome to the end of this
report. I bid thee well, good luck on
exams, and have a kickass summer. Oh,
also I would like to thank all the wonderful people who encouraged me when
times were rough and partied together
when I needed a break. It's been good
times. Bye bye!
that exec report, I think I'll just pretend
like my mother was writing it and impart
some words of motherly wisdom:
"You failed Seymour! What is with you
and Failure?"
"Some day I hope you'll have kids and
then you'll understand (EVERYTHING.
You will become a God - You will be a
"Don't blow bubbles in your milk."
"Be nice to your siblings."
"Go to bed!"
You know, now that I think about it, I
don't think my mom is really "exec"
material... which is all for the best I guess.
Anyway, I hope you all survive the summer and make it back to UBC in the fall
and for those of you graduating, don't
worry, I'm sure some University out there
will take you back as a grad student.
Kristin Lyons
D. of Sports
Mariko Welch
Public Sexual Relations
Those Communist anthems are so
damn catchy. Don't believe me? Go
download "The East is Red" or better yet, stick some metal wires through
your ears to amplify the signals that the
Chinese satellites have been transmitting
into your brain for the past 40 years.
You'll find the tune eerily familiar. Hey
you know what else is red? Blood! For
those of you who enjoy blood, I suggest
Alan Warkentin
Money Maniac
There are two things in this world
that piss me off to no end: spiders,
and everything else. The difference
is that spiders can be
crushed easily with
either a foot or a
rolled up newspaper.
I've heard there are
spiders in Australia
the size of a small
child, well if they're
anything like the children I know, you'd
probably need more
than a rolled up
newspaper - try a
rolled up physics
textbook. If that fails,
use a first year biology text - if you were
actually gullible
enough      to      have
you get this song too. You know, there's
nothing quite like spilling some one's
blood first thing in the morning. Uh...
yeah, so in other news, ifs the last 432 of
the year, I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope
you guys will find some way of procrastinating and not studying for finals without
the aid of our mind-numbingly boring
executive reports. Hey, they may be boring but they beat studying comp sci or
biochem any day. Cheers, and see you on
the flipside.
-Not Mariko, Not PRO
bought one in the first place. Anyway, I
digress. The moral of the story is that,
sometimes you can squish spiders, but
more often than not, you end up getting
squished, so really, the only thing you
can do is wear a seatbelt, a helmet, a condom and maybe some warm clothes. So
this is actually the last
exec report to go
under Alan's name...
isn't it ironic that he's
not the one writing
it? You know who is
though, right? The
same guy whose
written the other 5 or
6 odd exec reports on
this page. So on
behalf of Alan, I wish
you every success:
may you pass all your
exams, stay out of jail,
and possibly even
enjoy this thing called
ow, so this is it-my last exec
report as SUS Director of
Sports. Well,
I've had a great time working with the
Science Undergrad Society for the past
five years, and I just want to thank everyone who I've worked with over the years
because it is you who have made it such a
Chris Zappavigna
Science Senator
Hey guys, this is my last (tear) exec
report. I hope everyone is winding down their term nicely and
now preparing for exams. Although I
received little feedback from these
reports, I will miss writing them. I hope
students have gained something from
As I sit in my lab and write this I'm thinking about all the interesting things I've
learned while on senate for the past two
years. Very few students get the opportunity to learn about the ways of a big,
public university the way I have. This I
am truely greatful for.    In particular I'm
great experience.
Ahhh, on to sports details! Watch out for
Storm the Wall and StormCage this week.
Even if you're not participating, these are
great eventsto come out and watch and
support your friends!
As for science sports team rebates, they
will be available to pick up the last week
of classes!
So, I hope that you all enjoy the rest of
your year and have a great summer!
Ifs been fun!!!
greatful to science students who have displayed their support for me. Ifs been a
long trek (no UBC pun intended, of
course) these past years, going from the
UCS to SUS, but I loved every minute of it.
To those considering getting involved in
any affiliated group out there: go for it!
Where else will you meet other students
that want to get involved? Where else will
you have a say in where your tuition dollars go? Where else will you have the
opportunity to decide which professors
win teaching awards? I hope you get the
OK, I'm going on too much here.   Kinda
like my undergraduate years...
Good luck, and God speed.
Senator (one last time)
Christopher J. Zappavigna
Gina Eom
VP Internal Organs
Hello, my name is Moe Anig, which
just happens to be "Gina Eom"
spelled backwards and thats
probably why I'm here. I was just walking
along Main Mall one day, minding my
own business when BAM! I was attacked
from behind by two giant squirrels. I managed to run away but the squirrely squirrels kept chasing me. Then as I crossed
West Mall, a car pulled right up to me and
the driver yelled to me, "Get in!" and
popped the trunk. I hesitated, but I knew
the massive rodents of Doom were hot on
my heels so I jumped in the trunk and
slammed it down tight. The moment I did,
the trunk began to fill with the unmistakable odour of chloroform. When I awoke I
found myself strapped to a bomb and a
note telling me to write a report for Gina
Eom or else face the painful and messy
consequences. I hope somewhere out
there, Gina is appreciating me writing
this... unless she is dead, in which case I
hope I won't be joining her... Hey, wait...
these sticks of dynamite are chocolate
Patricia Lau
VP External Affairs
With Older Men
Hi, Patricia can't give her report
right now, but please stay tuned
til next year, same 432 time, same
432 channel when PL will be giving
reports as President. Yes, cower before
her Presidential Might, you peons.
Director of Publications
Jonathan Lam
Votes cast
NO                           52
YES                           267
Patricia Lau            286
Social Coordinator
Lana Rupp              148
Amrit Dhaliwal
Internal Vice President
Andrew Thamboo 249
Gabriel Hung 154
External Vice President
Mike Long
NO 63
YES 268
Director of Finance
Reka Pataky 174
Francis Moon 95
Chris Baitz 84
Executive Secretary
Courtney Campbell 190
Kenneth Ng 112
NO 53
YES 234
Public Relations Officer
Justine Chan 167
Alexis Braun 153
Director of Sports
Vanessa Ho 175
Hedy Lam 127
Edward Cheung 73
Siu Him Chan 50
Science Senator
David Riendl 137
Mariko Welch 115
Alan Warkentin 104 8
Fun with Death
by Andy Martin
Man, I can't wait to die. I have
been on two 'ghost tours' this
year. These tours are very cool
despite the overriding sense of
hokeyness (ring... ring... Hello
Webster's? I have something I
think you'd be interested in...)
permeating from everything the
tour guide said. The latest was
during my Spring Break trip to
New Orleans. When N.O. sinks,
we will have lost one of the
coolest cities ever. It is in this fine
city, and no other, that you can
get breasts for beads, your beer
'to go' and a 32oz Bellini in a Big
Gulp-like cup?
Anyways, yes, it was a truly a
New Orleans ghost tour, as it
started at a bar buying a 2-for-l
drink ticket so you could double-
fist your booze of choice for the
entirety of the tour, and it ended
with a tour of a haunted bar (the
upstairs had to be closed due to
too much flying poltergeistered
glassware)  so you could void
and refill your liquids.
The majority of these cases represented ghosts who were
unhappy about something. The
bar's ghost had been murdered
upstairs a few years back. Most
other ghosts were protecting or
protesting something and
seemed to not be enjoying themselves at all. For instance, the
witch doctor who wouldn't
allow women in the basement
she hadn't been back into in 200
years, the girl who committed
suicide over her lover's infidelity
and would scare the bejezzus out
of any happy couple that stayed
in the bed-and-breakfast that her
house became (post-coitous is
supposed to be relaxing, and
completely devoid of looking up
to see some dead girl with a broken neck crying over you), or the
hotel which was rife with post-
post-post-mortem sightings of
Civil War M.D.s who specialized
the field of Amputate-and-let-
'em-die-of-infection   (BTW,   if
you're    ever    in    N.O.,    the
Provincial has dirt cheap rates).
So, as freaky as all this is, I have
one message I want to transmit
to the world of the dead: get over
it. You've had centuries to come
to terms with your tragedy. Now
stop all of this and move on. I
know, it's tough to get over
things - hell, I do my little piss-
and-drink when bad things happen to me. Girl broke my heart,
my dog died, my pickup truck
doesn't work anymore, my
country music single about the
previous subjects didn't do well
on the charts. And what you're
dealing with is way, way worse.
Untimely death is probably the
worst thing that can happen to a
person. Trust me, I know. Well, I
don't, but I can appreciate it. But
you know what? Past all the
grief and damnation, there's a
plethora of fun things to do with
those new powers.
Think of it: you're ethereal, that
means no repercussions for anything.   You've  got  powers  to
manipulate anything, like
throwing stuff around, causing
wacky visions and audio effects,
and can possess anybody you
damn well please. Can you grasp
how much fun this could be?
Rather than spending all your
time throwing lamps and making bump-bump noises, you
should focus your efforts and do
things that are ever-so-cool, like
re-enacting the climatic scene
from 'Titanic' with whatever
newlywed couple is foolish
enough to inhabit your old
house (with sex roles reversed,
of course). Then you can grab
everything in the room and stick
it on the ceiling before spelling
the mirror-imaged lyrics for 'C is
for Cookie' in blood on the far
But why would you waste your
time on those small curly fries?
Ghosts can go through walls,
and can probably go anywhere,
any time and slip between
dimensions and whatever other
axes of reality you can come up
Rock 'n Roll
the magazine for rockingchair and wheelchair enthusiasts
Subscriptions are only $20.00 for 12
issues - that's 56% off the newsstand
price, and you won't have to drive
three hours just to find a newsstand
that carries us!
In This Month's Issue:
Why is Mark
so happy
with his new
Zip/Postal Code:
rocking chair
styles: fad or
with. Thafs why most ghosts
only show up every so often,
because they're too busy having
a good time everywhere else.
You can go back in time, beat up
Caesar's ghost before appearing
in Brutus' tent to deliver your
lines as Caesar in a giant foam
cowboy hat, jump to the year
3000 and appear in a ghostly
SUV in a world ravaged by global warming, go back to your old
place and scare people, then
jump back to 1935 and appear
before Hitler as his lost testicle
while eerily moaning "Ha ha ha
ha, yein have-en no balls-en."
But then what happens when
they try to get rid of you? As
ghostbusting technology has
been unable to keep up with the
promised vision of that movie
about those guys who go around
busting ghosts, most people who
want to deal with haunting use a
seance. First off, the ouija board,
where the easy jokes just keep
rollin'. The basics of the board is
that the spirits from beyond control the lens, spelling out messages for the living. The number
of hilarious words and phrases
are unlimited: 'fuck', 'now more
than ever', 'dead people do it for
eternity', 'get cheap non-prescription Viagra now!' and
'where r u? WTF LOL!!!;)!!'...but
use your imagination, [jeez,
Viagra's in my spell checker]
But when you're called by the
psychic to communicate with the
living through him/her, then you
have to be original. I'd personally respond with "I'm not on this
plane of existence right now, but
if you'd leave your name, number and a short message, I'll get
right back to...oh goddammit!
my favourite shirt! Thafs just
what I needL.BEEEEEP".
And when they tell you to go
towards the light, respond "Why
should I? You've been bossing
me around since you got here.
'Leave that alone.' 'Stop peeling
your face off in front of the children.' Well I'm so old that I'm
dead now! I'm old enough to
make decisions about my own
Now we've had a lot of fun
today, but there's one thing
thafs not funny, and thafs pissing off the dead. From the
Ancient Mariner's albatross, to
the will o' wisps, to the infamous
Amityville haunting, to the guy
who killed himself (after the
stock market crash) in my current dining room and makes it
feel creepy to this day. I have the
utmost respect for the dead and
their spirits, but I promise a
good party once I cross over.
Vie kill baby
seals because
you touch
yourself at
The Black Plague:
Helping non-Catholics
feel shame since 1987


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