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The 432 Oct 31, 1997

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 APEC Protesters Cause
Stock Market Crash
"/ should have known it was the hippies." -New York Stock Broker
Earie Warren
Financial Correspondent
The DOW Jones index fell by over
500 points on Monday, the Ingest
single fall in the history of the
market.
Fingers are already pointing; and
they're .pointing North, towards the
University of British Columbia. Stock
brokers and financial experts everywhere
are tracing the fall directly to a group of
student protesters, known as APEC Alert!
During a press conference last Friday,
members of APEC Alert! were asked by
432 reporters to comment on the economic situation in China.
One of the activists, Jimmy Ting,
responded. "The fascist government in
China won't last long," said Jimmy. "I
wouldn't be surprised if their whole market crashed next week."
432 reporters were among the first to
discover that it was this simple comment
from an oft-ignored, self-important tree-
hugger which started a cascade of events
which would lead to the politically correct 'Monday of Colour.'
What follows is an accurate, moment by
moment reconstruction of the events
leading up to the fated crash.
Friday,  Oct.  24th  1997,  5:16pm:  432
Reporters head to a local watering hole
to compile their story. One of the topics
discussed is Mr. Ting's comments.
5:22pm : Stock broker John Fallows
overhears the conversation, and mistakes Mr. Ting's quote for a serious tip.
Finishing his drink, and two others, he
hurries home, and on to the internet.
6:13pm : 432 reporters carted out of the
bar   by   several   burly	
policefolk. Tossed in the
back of a poorly-ventilated paddywagon, they
chat once again about
the day's events.
6:45pm : Mr. Fallows
returns home, logs onto
the internet, and heads
straight for the stockbroker's chat room
on CNNSI. Seeing as this room was full,
he logs onto his favourite teen porn site.
One of his close friends and occasional
partner, Constable Roy McDonald is also
on line.
7:32pm : Discussion between Mr.
Fallows and Const. McDonald falls into
the realm of the financial. Strangely,
they both seem to have heard the same
rumour about an expected market crash
in China.
7:45pm : The rumours are confirmed by
several other members of the chat site,
all of whom are connecting from a
domain somewhere in the Vancouver
Police system. These users have not been
identified.
8:41pm : Mr. Fallows and Const..
MacDonald agree to meet early the next
morning to discuss this issue. In the
meantime, they continue chatting.
10:52pm : 432 reporters are released
from jail, and head immediately to the
■j-f     nearest bar.
10:58pm: 432
reporters are
forcibly removed
from said bar, and
decide to return
home.
"I think it was the
leaflets."
-APEC Alert Member.
 n	
3:32am, October 25th 1997, Hong Kong:
Mr. Chin-Li Hung, a broker for the Xiang
Trading Company, monitors numerous
chat sites where brokers are known to
exchange information. Among them:
TeenSexWorld. Mr. Hung files his report,
and goes home.
7:00am, October 26th 1997, Hong Kong:
Xiang Trading Director Frederick Wu
scans through the weekends reports. His
eyer catches on a conversation between
two investors in Vancouver, BC.
Working on a hunch, he immedeately
orders his brokers to sell hard, and sell
early. Economic chaos ensues^
9:30am, Oktober 26th, 1997, New York:
Traders in New York watch the Hang
Seng fair like Mike Tyson. Reacting
Injjnediately,- they'~seIT,"leir,' and sell
some more,
4:32pm, Oktober 26th, 1997, New York:
The New York Stock exchange stops
trading, after a historic loss of 554.26
points. Trillions are left in financial ruin.
t Representatives from APEC Alert! have
downplayed their role in this economic
catastrophe, insisting that Tvlr, Ping's
comments were "off the cuff."
-^We like anarchy as much as the next
bunch of radical activists," said representative Martha Traper. " But we can't
assume responsibility for this kind of
thing. Our leaflet campaign, however,
has been effective in persuading several
students not to glare at us,"
The U.S7 Government, in the meantime,
is not amused. President Billi Clinton has
promised to personally address this
issue, and has suggested that direct
action may be taken against the protesters.
Jimmy Ting, in the meantime, has not
contacted reporters, and has not been
seen since Friday. He has not been spotted since Friday night, when he was seen
painting  the   plaza   outside JCoerner
Slot Machines
Approved Everywhere
Jean C fibble
Addicted Correspondent
Ottawa (Reuters)
In a surprise move Thursday, the BC
Lottery Corporation has decided to not
only force through slot machines in
GVRD casinos, but to advise the installation of the one-armed bandits in non-
sanctioned casinos, as well.
"After carefully studying six selected
research essays on gambling addiction,
we've decided the problem doesn't exist.
There is no longer any reason to ignore
this source of revenue/" stated BC
Lottery Corporation Representative
Katherine Cosowan.
"Concerns have been raised about our
proposed sites, particularly the Main and
Hastings location, so action had to be
taken to show exactly how safe these
devices are."
BC Minister of Finance Andrew Petter
had a more practical view,^7u^t think of
all the money that changes hands on
that street comer every night! Why,
between the smack dealers and the
whores, $500,000 must go through there
on a Tuesday.
"if the government can tap into those
funds, we could get velvet suits for the
legislature!"
"I think this Is a deliberate move against
us," said IWest End Christian Bingo
Coalition member Judy Sunhill, "it's our
God-given right to profit off of addicted
gamblers. Now the government is starting to step orr out turf, and He's not
happy. Our work is hard enough around
here without the government taking
away our funding."
15,00CTslot machines are expected to be
installed by 1998 in venues ranging from
7-11 to the UBC Bookstore Line-up. PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
31   OKTOBER 1997
The 432™
Volume 11 tssweS!;;
31 OKTOBER IS
1997 Ihe!
Ihtdergr<»duate Society of!
All rights resented.
Editor
Jeremy Thorp:
jerthorp&unbcg.ubcxk^
Assistant fttttor-;
John Hallett . ^
Columnists   '
Breeonne Baxter
Jay Garda
Jenn Gardy
Jake Cray
John Hallett
Blake Hintort,.,
'Frenchy' MaJf£§
Andrew iVUrttr£
Mauidy Seymour *
Craig Temple
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¥%&Hi"
Cartoonists;';
Jake Mckinlay
Jeremy Thorp, ■'''0i$jj,
'■->}
Printers
College Printers, Inc*
Vancouver, BC '>■•.■?!*&
Dlstribir^-"1: 'r"''^
Anti-APEC Protesters evep
Contact Info
Attn. Editor, The
c/o The Dean of Science'
The University of British CrfurriJW
6270 University Blvd;'v^T;
Vancouver, B.C.:-,^''"*^we
V6T 1Z4
(604)8224235;-
Fax: (604} 822 555S
The editorial staff wdtt!#
remind  you  to  playg
Hallowe'en.   Always
instructions on your
remember to keep'
Cocktails to under nVfe
And remember:
bombs work well
during fireworks
777e 432 is the official
the      Science      Uni
Society, published
from our offices in low
All opinions expressed
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<?rs and hot those of The 432 pgfcfL
Science Undergrad Sodetyi --0^1^
Writers and cartoonists fraim
ulties are encouraged to
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whole or in part without
written consent.
Sarin~a~rific!
APEC is an interesting idea. For just
a few million dollars in extra
policing and security, we get to
have a few of the world's most totalitarian dictators come to our wonderful town
and clog up our streets with armed
escorts for a couple of weeks. I really
can't understand why any city coordinator would want to have this conference
in their town. Think of the logistics
involved. Here we are bringing some of
the most hated individuals in the world,
and having them all eat dinner in one
place at one time. Think of the possibilities! A little sarin gas cloud in the Pan-
Pacific could wipe out half of the tinpot
dictators of the Far East. Not that this
would be an easy feat, but it wouldn't be
too much of a challenge for an enterprising young person with a computer
and a little lab access. Its got to be nearly impossible for CSIS, even with their
new found powers of being able to place
taps and bugs without permits, to find
the one sociopath with the guts and the
know-how to make a name for himself.
How would it look for Vancouver to be
known as the apex of death where
international conferences end in mayhem and bloodshed with funerals for
all? I'm all for it. I mean that Vancouver
be known for offing world leaders. I
don't think I'd actually like the bloodshed and mayhem, not if I was directly
involved anyway, but if a few members
of the APEC conference got bumped off,
the chances any more would ever come
to Vancouver would be pretty slim, eliminating the need for all this extra security. Besides, I'm really getting tired of the
sloppy phone taps. Yesterday the stupid
idiots were pumping sound from the
white van across the street into my
phone receiver. I pick up the phone to
call my mom and there's a couple CSIS
guys on the line arguing about what
kind of pizza to get. Like I'm going to
talk about plots to assassinate world
leaders on my personal line. What kind
of moron do they take me for?
This whole increased number of spooks
around really puts a crimp in my social
life. It's really hard to pick up chicks with
suits watching you all the time. It makes
me feel somewhat self-conscious. Then
there's the snipers. They've always been
a hassle.
How are they going to check everyone
going into these conferences? And what
if the big wigs are the ones packing heat?
Lets face it, these aren't exactly the kind
of people who give change to the
Salvation Army Santas. These are some
really bad guys, nasty wasties, bad bad
bad. I'm not going to be too surprised
when Suharto whips out an AK-47 at the
dinner at the presidential mansion.
Which brings another little thought to
mind. The Federal government, your
buddy and mine, spent a huge amount
of dough, i.e. 4-5 million, on a renovation to Martha Piper's new digs just for
one dinner during APEC.
I'd like to know who actually thought
this up and who approved the whole
thing. It's really just a big shmooze session for totally powerful people, totally
removed from reality. I guess UBC is a
perfect place for it. Its not like UBC has
ever resided any where near reality anyway.
-Jake is about as far from reality as it gets.
Last time I heard, he was living in a large
mushroom on South Campus, -ed.
Seven out of eight world dictators prefer The 432 over The Underground,
The Province, and The New York Times.
Editorial.
jeremy
orp
Some of you may wonder why we
chose to do our APEC spectacular,
24 days away from the actual event.
Well, folx, it's Haloween. It's time for
scary, scary things. Things like dictators,
snipers, and attack dogs. Things like
APEC.
The following issue contains articles
which are, by my request, almost all
completely concerned with the Asia
Pacific Economic Co-operation forum.
Some of them are somewhat serious,
while others are a complete farce. All are
entertaining.
I suggest that you all start with Blake
Hinton's article, on page 3. It'll provide
you with a summary of APEC and the
issues which surround it. Then you can
delve into the rest.
There's gonna be a lot of action here at
UBC, later in the month. Myself, I'm
planning on being in the middle of it all.
Here's something to do, if you're looking for entertainment:
Wear a navy blue, pin-striped suit, a pair
of RayBans, and one of those single ear
earphones that used to come with TVs.
Walk down main mall until you find a
sniper, positioned on one of the roofs.
Get his or her attention. Point to a random person in the crowd, and suddenly
shout "Him! Take him down! Now!"
You'll be amazed just how much havoc
gunfire can cause during the lunch hour.
If you want to get a little more personal, dress like a sniper, climb to the roof of
a building, and relieve the sniper who is
currently on duty. Tell him that you
seem to have forgotten you gun, and
that you'll have to borrow his (or hers).
Now you can play god. Have fun.
Mind you, you can can get in a great
deal of trouble doing this kind of thing.
Last year, John tried to give the Prime
Minister a wedgie, during a 432 field trip
to Ottawa. He returned two weeks later,
bleary eyed, slow of speech, and reeking
of alcohol. What was weird, though, was
that he didn't remember any of the missing time. Even worse, he started voting
Liberal.
It's never a good idea to get on the bad
side of the Secret Service. Not only do
they have guns, listening devices, and
truth serums, they can also play a mean
game of Yahtzee.
In a related topic, The Underground
printed an article in their last issue,
depicting our beloved President Bella
Carvalho as a single, desperate, loser.
One question for The Underground:
Have you actually looked at your
President lately?
I didn't think sc
Ld^
-Jer. (jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca) 31   OKTOBER 1997
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
PEC
or Idiots.
Blake Hlnton
Well-informed Correspondent
APEC: Global, Corporate, Imperialistic. When you look around campus these
days you may have noticed APEC posters posted in every possible location.
Well what does APEC stand for? This was my question as I was watching CPAC
some months ago. Instead of the usual MLA's viciously attacking each other (quality entertainment) there was a group of activist on their soap boxes protesting this
something called APEC. This particular group peaked my interest, as the crowd
watching was mostly old hippies (and the photographers covering the event). I spent
the all of my time watching this trying to figure out what APEC was.
A Pure Evil Conference? Truit was my first guess, from the way people shouted about
it and all of the associated evils. While the protesters screamed themselves hoarse
against it, they didn't say what it was. I found out what it actually stood for at a later
date by total accident.
The day was October 7th and I had arrived at my biology class an hour early (sorry.
Being on campus for 12 hours in a row leaves one with some extra time on their
hands). There was a sign on the door that read "APEC information meeting". I
couldn't believe my luck! After being driven crazy for months, I was going to find
out what this APEC thing was.
APEC stands for Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation forum, as the small audience
in the lecture hall was informed. It was formed in 1989, <ind is composed of 18 member countries, within a region containing 2 billion people, 56% of world GDP and
46% of the total world exports. Representatives from each country meet several
times a year in the hosting country which is followed up by a leaders summit. This
year has been Canada's turn to host, with meetings held in various cities across the
country, and the leadership meeting to take place here in Vancouver. The leaders of
the 18 member countries will be meeting in Vancouver on November the 21st to the
25th to discuss various issues, but what has left some people with their hackles up is
the meeting of the 18 leaders in the Great Hall at the Museum of Anthropology, and
the luncheon at the Norman MacKenzie House. Major renovations are being done in
preparation for the luncheon, and around $300,000 has been spent gussying up the
MacKenzie House (tab picked up by two sponsors). The luncheon will be held on
the 25th and a bubble zone will be set up around the Museum of Anthropology for
this event.
This was the basic information covered at the meeting. If you don't believe me,
attend the next one, on Nov. 6th in Angus 104, 12:30-1:30. Even if you don't care,
some bodies to fill all the empty seats makes it look like more than a small group of
people give a damn.
Now for the fun part of the meeting. It had only been underway for 5 minutes when
the first interruption occurred. An old hippie in a bad need of a haircut (fear the capitalist scissors) started going on about workers and how they related to the economy
in response to the speaker SEiying APEC was concerned with economic issues only.
Things really became interesting when the chance for questions came around at the
end of the meeting. Someone from APEC ALERT was claiming the bubble zone was
against their democratic right to protest in the faces of the international leaders, and
demanded to hear the legal explanation. I think 99% of the people realized that with
the leaders of half the world present in one location some security measures are necessary. The bubble zone is in fact legal, and if you want to know the specifics, and
can't get a good nights sleep until you know what they are look it up yourself.
When our friendly protester had this pointed out too him, the response was "We're
a non-violent organization!". Again I think everyone but him realized it was the violent wackos out there that the RCMP are concerned about. Our friendly protester
didn't take that well either..... does our doctor have any cure for tunnel vision?
Seems that every action taken by any authority group was a direct violation of someone's rights and freedoms.
Well I've talked about APEC but who are these people protesting it? One group,
APEC ALERT, is a non-violent group composed of students, former students, faculty,
and staff at UBC. They say APEC stands for "Assholes, Politicians, Economists, and
Cops" (Direct quote from their web page). Another quote from their page is "The
RCMP has already stated that APEC will be the largest security operation in its history, and the presence of snipers and riot police on campus has been confirmed.
APEC is supposed to be a public relations spectacle for dictators, politicians, business
executives and their hangers-on, but APEC ALERT is working to make sure that their
spectacle will NOT proceed as planned." Another protest group, NO APEC, also
stands for something, but all these acronyms are giving me a headache. It is composed of women's, labour, solidarity and social activist groups, who stand united
against the imperialistic agenda of liberalization, deregulation, and privatization (Oh
how I miss Stalinist USSR... the line ups, the corrupt bureaucracy., the forced labour
camps...ahh). When I read about the composition of the groups that are opposed to
APEC, I realized why I disliked them so much.
Well regardless of what you think about APEC come November 25th things are
going to get interesting. Riot police, snipers, non-violent protesters will all be present
on campus when the leaders of half the world show up (the '94 Stanley Cup finals
started out as non-violent as a hockey game can be, and look what happened). This
is my attempt at informing science students who are normally unaware of the happenings of the world around them. So when the fun starts on the 25th you will know
not to follow large mobs heading to the north side of campus, and to possibly get
inside when the tear gas flies. Me? I'll be around with my trusty camcorder getting
footage of the whole thing to sell to the highest biding American television network.
See you there, and try not to get shot with any rubber bullets.
-Unlike the rest of my writers, Blake actually
knows what APEC is all about. Wow. Keener, -ed
%mw I^i EL   ■   #
■j ?
60%
SPORTS REBATES
Applications Availible in Chem B160.
Application Deadline
Nov 28th.
APathEtiC.
Breeonne Baxter
Benched Minor
A friend of mine is working in the
APEC computer van. A big futuristic double semi trailer with more
gadgets than the Inspector, (do do do do
doot, Inspector Gadget...) Fiber optics,
500 megahertz-thing, laser satellites,
pentium 1000... OK, I don't know what
that means, but I do know it's very very
expensive. With a capital cha-ching.
My buddy (no, you don't know him),
who I will call "Dilbert", gets to work in
this van. He likens it to the Batmobile,
with it's wondrous technology. He gets
to program the various dignitaries laptops and pagers and Fidos and stuff. So
when United States president Bill
Clinton (aka Bubba) starts playing
Solitaire during the Human Rights
Conference, of APEC, Dilbert will have
programmed it to play extra easy, and let
him win.
Although, to give Clinton credit, at least
he'll show up. Ever notice how the people who most need the whuppin' manage to escape the stick? I am referring to
how the leaders of Indonesia and China,
the countries that plow over the common man, will most likely not be at this
conference. After all, would you want to
be harassed about how your government
is not very nice?
I think not.
And Canada's Prime Minister, the wondrous Jean Chretian, will not raise much
a fuss. Because, after all, we wouldn't
want to ANNOY anyone. Canadians are
the politest set of wimps I have ever
come across. Take the so-called "fish
war" out on BC waters recently. Glen
Clark is mad that Ottawa wouldn't send
our Navy to fire upon Alaskan salmon
fishermen, like they did on the east coast
and those Spanish turbot fishermen.
Glen Clark misses the point. Those were
a few rusty trawlers. This is the
Americans. Big country. Big ego. Big
army. Hey, Glen Clark can piss off the
States. We'd become part of Greater
Seattle within a week.
But I have wandered from my point.
Canada, in agreeing to host the APEC,
has once again bent over to the money
machine. Are you confused about APEC?
Want Breeonne's patented "APEC-in-a-
can"? OK, here it is: Our money makers
want to make more MONEY. To make
more MONEY, we need to open more
deals with trading partners. Being in BC,
we are closer to the Asia-Pacific countries, boat-wise, than most other places.
This is NEAR. Near. Far. Near. Far. So, if
we can trade with countries that are
NEAR, it will cost less money than if we
trade with a country that is FAR. Who
cares about human rights violations?
Who cares about burning rainforest?
Who cares about suppression of freedom?
Not I, said the money man.
Not I, said the tax man.
Not I, said the company man.
Not I, said the press who would like the
harsh words anticipated in the leader's
conference. After all, they don't see
enough gossip lately.
I, said the student protesters.
And haven't they been vocal? Posters,
spray paint, tarped structures.
Unfortunately, they picked the campus
worth the least amount of student
activism in North America. Honestly, no
one seems to care. And their tactics
aren't very user-friendly. OK, paper the
bus step. Hand out pamphlets to people
entering the SUB. But why are you spray
paining the concrete? Painting lipstick
on the Goddess of Democracy won't get
you much enthusiasm. It's called
"unnecessary antagonism". People
instead walk past, ignoring the Antl-
APEC people like they avoid the longdistance salesmen. Too much other stuff
to do. Has anyone considered that this
was why they chose UBC?
It's not our problem, students say. We
have midterms, labs, tutorials, beer gardens. We can't be bothered with bad
things in far off lands. We have to party
hard, drink hard, sleep in. We have
always had democracy. Life ain't that
bad, is it?
Tell that to the lone student protester
standing down the tank in Tianamen
square.
-here, here. -ed. PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
31 OKTOBER 1997
Phallic
Fireworks.
Miss Jenn
Explosives Expert
Halloween is here again and with it
comes your average yearly traditions -kids in the perennially
unsafe pinhole-eyed plastic masks; digging for small change covered in crumbs
and popcorn from the sofa cushions to
give to the Unicef boxes, and an evening
spent with your head in the toilet bowl
because you gave all the trick-or-treaters
Sunmaid Raisin Boxes and some restaurant after-dinner-mints, while keeping
the good candy for yourself.
Of all the traditions though ,the most
endearing is, by far, blowing stuff up. In
the area I grew up in, Halloween was just
an excuse for the men of the neighbourhood to turn the family garage in to a
small nuclear arsenal. For that one magical night, the local lads could honestly
say that they had enough firepower in
their hands to declare war on a small
country. As long as that country's
defense system could differentiate
between a Burning Schoolhouse and a
nuclear warhead, that is.
The annual testosterone fireworks display was always a guy thing. Girls and
young lads were restricted to standing
on the opposite corner with sparklers
while the men planted phallic rockets in
the sand, setting them ott with the warning "You girls better stand back, this is a
big puppy and when he blows, he blows
good." Looking back, there's something
deeply disturbing about that in a
Freudian sort of way which probably
explains why we were happy to stay far
away from the guys, holding a big fiery
stick in front of us. Well, it's high time us
sparkler nerds gave the menfolk a run for
their money. They may have 4 Safeway
bags full of low-grade explosives, but we
have, well, a grape, some purple liquid,
and a lot of Chem labs behind us.
Chemistry is great - not only is it the
only subject where you can talk about
rear-entry interactions without blushing,
but you learn to do a lot of stuff, the
only practical application of which is the
detonation and immolation of various
substances. Let's start out small, with the
aforementioned grape.
Take your grape, cut it in half, and put
it in your microwave with the cut sides
up and the edges touching. Put the
microwave on high for about a minute
and put your nose up to the glass - you
REAL-
get a wee light show. I'm not sure how
well this translates to other fruit but the
seasonal possibilities are intriguing. Try
it with a pumpkin. If you haven't got a
big enough microwave, find another
form of low frequency electromagnetic
radiation. Theoretically, a bisected
pumpkin under a tanning bed and a
Fresnel lens could arc enough to light a
small stadium.
If you're looking for a little more
advanced science, potassium permanganate is useful stuff to have around.
One normally acquires in it solution,
where it looks not unlike grape Koolaid.
Besides the attractive hue, KMn04 has
the advantage of exploding on contact
with plenty of readily oxidizable stuff. A
friend of my Mum's tells me that a mixture of potassium permanganate and
iodine will, if left for awhile, crystallize.
If you smash said crystals forcibly, a pretty decent explosion results. Considering
this is the same man who, as a precocious child, once launched a small can-
nonball into his mother's luncheon
party, destroying the parlour door in the
process, I'd say chances are it's going to
work.
Perhaps the granddaddy of explosive
chemicals is acetylene, a welder's best
friend. I seem to remember from last
year's Chem studies that acetylene is
rather easy to come by, and can be
formed by a fairly simple reaction
involving water and something which I
shouldn't mention here. By itself it
yields what is best described as a major
incendiary event. Add a touch of chlorine (hot tub water will do) and your
incendiary event becomes a cataclysmic
flaming moment of glory. We did this in
a lecture last year and a little too much
chlorine was added. It was then discovered that acetylene could not only be
used for welding, but for removing several square metres of multiple paint layers instantly.
So this Halloween when the men are
fighting over who has the longest
Roman Candle, gather the neighbourhood kids around for a little science
show. Just make sure they don't confuse
permanganate crystals with PopRocks.
-Ok. So this article has nothing to do with
APEC. But, let's face it, something is
bound to blow up. Let's just hope it's a
grape, and not, say, John Hallett. -ed
Ask Dr. Temple
Craig Temple
Glorified Vetrinarian
With Halloween tonight, the
hospital has requested that
people utilize the new express
lane in the emergency room. This will be
for people with severe third-degree burns
from fireworks (or dry ice bombs), eggshell shrapnel wounds, ruptured livers
due to severe alcohol poisoning, or severed tongues due to booby-trapped candied apples. By using this new public
service, people will now be helped within three hours. For all foreign body
extractions please see Nurse Bruhweiler
at the regular outpatient desk. But no
more of this foolish monkey business,
we have a patient that must be cured
helped heard.
Dear Dr. Temple,
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm afraid
that I have been growing a trifle too
much body hair. This wouldn't disturb
me, but the fact that I can no longer
walk past a banana without savagely rendering it from peel and consuming it in
a blind rage has gotten me worried. I
spoke to my pet sock about it and she
told me that I should ask someone more
qualified in medicine. So naturally I
thought of Dr. Temple. I ask you doctor;
do my simian symptoms mean that I am
reverting back to my ancestral form, or
am I gay? Either way I feel that my trips
to the zoo are becoming more and more
emotionally significant. Now I could live
with my newfound way of life, in fact
I've had nothing but compliments from
my girlfriend, but I do miss the silky
smooth feeling of pulling my favorite
pair of panty-hose on. Also the issue of
clingons is quite serious, but shouldn't
be discussed in a magazine of this caliber. So, if you know of any remedies to
my current condition, I would be very
appreciative if you could share them.
Adam S. Mian
Adam, I did some research into your
case, and I found out that you are indeed
the "Ape Baby" of about seventeen years
ago. You were too young to remember
this, and apparently your parents decided not to tell you, there was quite a scandal over you. Twenty years ago the most
popular animal on television was Bobo
the chimpanzee, he destroyed Lassie in
the nielsens, and his career was running
like a freight train. Then poor Bobo, at
the age of three became very ill; his tiny
WHAT'S
NAME
IN A
This seminar will provide you with an overview of
trade-mark law in Canada. It will look briefly at
provincially registered trade names and explain the
relationship between trade-marks and trade names.
The seminar will look at domestic and international
aspects of trade-mark law and will also review the
basics of how to register and what may be registered.
The seminar will also take a brief look at famous
business blunders and comment on strategy for
developing a proprietary name portfolio.
Date: November 20th
Time: TBA
Location: TBA
REAL-
The raciaty of Science Presents
A lecture Series
for ALL Science
Undergraduates
It's new and it's for you!
"MORE AND MORE
of LESS AND LESS"
Science First! Lecture by
Dr. Elaine Humphrey
Electron Microscopy Facility
Thursday, 6 November 1997
12:30-1:30 pm
IRC Lecture Hall #4
PRBT1CIPHTE
a»Esi iiNST cBii mi-vs ifc
heart was being rejected by his own
body. Scientists said that, due to some
freak of probability, the little chimp's
DNA responsible for rejection of foreign
heart tissue, normally 97% the same as
humans, was 100% the same as humans.
This meant that poor Bobo needed a
human heart. Volunteers came from all
corners of the world bearing their children as gifts, but Bobo needed a special
heart. Only one boy had that heart, and
although his parents were ready to sacrifice their own child for the happiness of
all the children of the world, the human
rights activists were adamant that no
human's life should be taken in order to
preserve that of an animal's. The debate
raged on for months, and all the while
poor Bobo was becoming sicker and sicker. After taking the case to the Supreme
Court, a decision was reached; Bobo and
the boy were to switch hearts. A new
breakthrough in medicine could cause
the human body to accept animal tissue,
the little boy was to be the final test of
the drug. A one-time dosage of the drug
was administered, and the operation
proceeded. For months interest Bobo's
recovery was high. When it looked as if
he was about to return to show business,
a terrible scandal involving Bobo and
Flipper rocked the tabloids and
destroyed his career. Since the boy's
name was never released because he was
a minor, interest faded, and was replaced
by news of a cow that had three stomachs. Adam, this young boy is you, you
are the little boy who became the final
test of the drug. Apparently a side effect
of the drug is that the subject develops
characteristics of the animal who donated the tissue. Unfortunately, there is
nothing we can do about these side
effects, all I can say is that you shouldn't
be alarmed if you develop an urge to
pick the lice out of your girlfriend's hair
and eat it. Also I recommend that you
take up mountain climbing, as I feel that
you will be quite good at it. Apart from
that I wish you luck in your new 'way of
life' as you put it.
We can all learn a lesson from what
Adam is going through; try to find the
best in what is given to you, don't go ape
over things that you can't change. If you
have any questions about you health
that I can assist you with e-mail me at
drtemple@unixg.ubc.ca and remember:
The doctor is in.
-Bobo served several years in a federal penitentiary. Today, he is the leader of the
Reform Party of Canada, -ed.
The Faculty of Science Presents
A Lecture Series
for All Science
Undergraduates
It's new and it's for you!
"HEAVY WATER"
Science First! Lecture by
Dr. Chris Waltham
Department of Physics and Astronomy
Thursday, 13 November 1997
12:30-1:30 pm
IRC Lecture Hall #4
PHRTICIPHTE
QUESTIONS?   CALL 822-9876  PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
31 OKTOBER 1997
Fear and loathing at APEC.
wfy
6>U
Jay
Garcia
It's a couple of hours past dawn, and I'm sitting on the gravel on the roof of the Old Chemistry Building, one of the
oldest buildings on campus, which means that it looks like
it was made according to the dictums of the Staid Academic
Structure style of architecture.
On the pebbles next to me is a backpack holding a bag of
grass, fifteen pellets of mescaline, two sheets of high-powered
blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of crack, and a whole galaxy
of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers; also
a quart of tequila, quart of rum, a case of Red Tick Beer, and a
pint of raw ether. I'm looking down onto the rain-sodden
streets that make up the tree-lined campus of the University of
British Columbia, found on the tip of Point Grey; from this
high vantage point you can just about watch a sky the color of
a television tuned to a dead channel grind into the lead-grey
seas, with the distant mountains acting as a jagged interface.
Bleak Grey. Monotonous. I'm four stories above the street and
taking in all this scenery, when this tall, skinny freak barges
through the roof-access door; he looks around and leans on
the exhaust fan for the fume hoods recovering from the effort
of stumbling up eight flights of stairs . Then he spots me. He
ambles over with a graceful fluid stagger that makes his bones
look like they were all rubbery and grabs one of my beers.
"Got any speed?" he asks.
"Do I look like the kind of man who'd do crank?"I ask.
"Then I guess we'll have to do mine, then", Floyd says, and
pulls a fistful of blacks from his pocket, and washes them
down with a swallow of my red Tick.
"You know about APEC, man?"
I shake my head; I'm supposed to be here to check out the
conference, maybe get a little close to Suharto, but I really
don't know much about it. It doesn't matter to Floyd, 'cause
he's talking, and the words are coming out in a rush:
"...and wander for a bit, and you'll find an apathetic bunch of
mind-numbed students stumbling around the campus like
zombies — no, strike that, the living dead are livelier than your
average UBC student. Actually talk to then, and you'll find the
vast majority either firmly seated in the grip of mediocrity or
saddled with the worst case of tunnel-vision fuelled by academic ambition (with just a hint of terror at what the future
brings) this side of a yuppie convention. Ask them a question
about a topic — any topic — that might have some bearing to
their selfish little lives — say, for example, a potential tuition
increase, and nine times out of ten you'll get a response com
posed of a quick nod of the head resembling nothing so much
as an epileptic shrug on Valium indicating, with great efficiency and a minimum of actual effort and personal interaction,
that not only do they have no opinion on your topic, but that
they'd rather be anywhere but there, being accosted by you.
The tenth person you come across might have something to
say, but again, it's probably going to be 1 have no idea what
you're talking about.' It's enough to make you want to scream,
grab at them and shake them until their loose change comes
flying out with enough velocity to make passers-by duck for
cover."
He stops for a moment, contemplates his empty bottle, and
hucks it over his shoulder, to smash on the ground far below.
I pass him a beer and a few hits of acid, and we lean back
against the retaining wall, inhaling the occasional fumes spurting out of the exhaust vent. Floyd chugs his beer and continues.
"APEC, or the 'Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation1, is either a
loose coalition of countries on the Pacific rim dedicated to
trade and prosperity amongst its member-nations, if you listen
to one side of the story, or, if you listen to the other side, it's a
bald-faced bid by the USA and Japan to take advantage of the
economic imbalances amongst the members of the coalition
in the interests of greater profit, while turning a blind eye to
the outright violation of human rights in certain of these
countries to the average UBC student, the only ramifications
regarding APEC's presence would be the lines of green and
puke-orange paint swiped on the tarmac in alternating bands
on the southern side of the Student Union Building, and
around the statue of the Chinese Goddess of Liberty (or so I
was assured). Occasionally, one or a few Anti-APEC protesters
could be found in this area, handing out pamphlets or otherwise trying to raise the SUB-going crowd's awareness of the
issue; how the protesters face the overwhelming, spirit-crushing indifference is inconceivable."
He stands, stretches; his height is somewhat disconfitting,
and his face, wrecked as it is on beer, acid and crank, has the
permanently startled look like that of a Border Collie that had
just swallowed glass shards. He's taking me to the SUB, so we
can meet and greet with Juggy and a few other of the protesters, but halfway there he starts swearing that the streets are all
changing around him, like they're alive & they're treacherous
& they're out to get him. Cars slow down when they see him
lurching in front of them, and speed up when he turns to look
at them and "after me again" in a voice full of doom & speed-
freak rag,e & paranoia, and I hustle off, leaving him in a vibrating fetal heap in the middle of the South Plaza, while I go to
scope out a nice, hidden place with good visibility, so I can get
a couple of clean shots at the delegates.
-Free science mug to anyone who can tell
me what novel this story was based on -ed.
Fuel for Paranoia
Mandy Seymour
Paranoid Correspondent
It seems that the APEC conference will
add all sorts of excitement to the
often dull and meager existence of
UBC students. In the best case scenario,
classes will be cancelled and instead we
will all go put with a desire to drink ourselves silly, igniting a chain of drunken
brawls and meaningless one night
stands. In the worst case scenario, the
campus will be engulfed in a burning
mass of debris as the Student Union
Building is blown into a million pieces
by a terrorist bomb planted to raise
havoc and get media attention for their
group's private agenda.
But, looking on the bright side, we
wouldn't have to go to class for a while
so we could hold a big marshmallow
roast around the charring embers of the
fire (Aside: there is nothing like a big
chocolaty S'more to help you forget your
worries, not to mention your diet). Even
if things don't turn ugly there will still
be roving bands of snipers secretly staking out the Chemistry building.
What I can't understand is why they
would pick a big university as the location for such a big conference. They
could have held the conference at the
UNBC campus which has less students.
Plus, interrupting traffic around a small
city like Prince George is not such a big
deal. Another alternative would be having the conference at a hotel downtown,
like the Pan Pacific, and the leaders
wouldn't even have to leave the premises. Apparently Vancouver was chosen as
the host of APEC since the city was very
successful in 1995 for the Clinton-
Yeltsin summit. Word has it that UBC
was also picked since it's on a peninsula
and can be barricaded to be effectively
cut off from the city. They didn't take
into account the potential for camouflaged terrorists to sneak through the
endowment lands undetected. It's a
security disaster waiting to happen, with
thousands of students on campus and
the expected buzz of media frenzy (Hi
mom! I'm on CNN!) It will take hundreds of snipers, security men, and body
guards to protect the whole APEC leaders
and crew while they are attending the
conference.
Traffic on the week of the APEC conference in November is assured to be a joy.
I heard recently on the radio that they
will be randomly closing down streets in
Vancouver, with no notice, on and
around the date of November 25th,
which just so happens to be a Tuesday, a
working day. I'm sure that the Lower
Mainland motorists will entirely understand the full significance of the conference, and will be patient and sympathetic as they wait three hours to cross the
Knight Street Bridge.
-Hrm. This continued reference to massive
explosion is starting to make me nervous.
Anyone have a bomb shelter? -ed.
REXMORGANN
pre-med hopeful
Will not be seen in this issue.
Rex will be back next issue,
when he will try once again
to save the world using his
meagre medical skills, and a
bottle of glue.
Frenchy Mattel
Official Taunter
South-East Asia
28 October
A leaked document from the Indonesian
government has spread waves of panic
throughout South-East Asia. According
to the source, Indonesian President
Suharto is but a figure-head, with the
real leader of Indonesia being North
Korean strong-man Kim Jong II.
Furthermore, the fires raging uncontrollably throughout Indonesia are nothing
more than a ploy to spread North
Korea's ideology of 'Communism
through Famine'.
Official reaction ranges from 'shocked'
to 'scared shitless'. One US.
spokesperson said: "This is the worst
thing imaginable! It's now clear that
under the cover of capitalism and
human-rights abuses, the Reds were
infiltrating the highest echelons of the
governments of the Asia-Pacific."
Senator Jesse Helms warned of a
resurgence of communist expansion,
saying: "We have to close the border
with Canada and order our military
forces on high alert. Who knows what's
hiding behind those polite smiles?
Heck, they could even start corrupting
our youth with beer!" As a first step, the
Senate has approved a bill requiring
Canadians to get a visa to travel to the
US.
Anti-APEC protesters around the world
are hailing the revelations of North
Korean infiltration as "the most wonderful news in the world!" Jaggi Singh,
APEC-Alert activist and professional
protester, proclaimed Kim Jong II the
"saviour of the working class and of the
oppressed peoples around the world.
The APEC conference is obviously
going to be canceled, and the reign of
capitalist oppression will definitely end
in Indonesia." When asked his opinion
on the impending catastrophic famine,
Jaggi Singh refused to comment.
In what was described as a "totally
unrelated evenf by US. officials, the
Republican Party announced that Pol
Pot would be seeking the next presidential nomination. Bob Dole has
endorsed the fallen Cambodian dictator, and said: "It's about time a new generation came into American politics to
infuse new youthfulness." Dole refused
to draw any similarities between the
Republican party nomination and the
situation in Indonesia, but was extremely enthusiastic about the "great steps
towards democracy taken by the North
Koreans. We may be witnessing the
birth of a great tradition of freedom."
Prime Minister Jean Chretien was
unavailable for comment, as he was
leading a Team Canada business tour
to North Korea.
coming soon...
REX-WEflR™
/ ' jijftfilliS*"*1' "^"^mifc™ 31 OKTOBER 1997
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
Drawers of SUS
Aarne Hamalainen
Bella Caivalho
Director of Sports
Welcome to the world of sports! By this time "Day of the Longboat" will have taken
place, hopefully things went well for everyone.
There are still a few events that are coming up, such as the Mountain Bike events,
"Under the Dome" events and a few others. The rebate deadline is on Nov. 28th. I
should have Sports Rebate Policy done by this point, make sure that you follow all
the guidelines in order to get any money. Late applications will NOT be accepted.
Drop off all applications in CHEM B160. There will be a box marked SPORTS
REBATES, in which you can leave the forms in.
The SUS Hockey Pool is going fine, 75 entries were received.(Jokerz is in the lead).
The Math Juggernaut is 2-1-2 and the Bandicoots are 2-1.
I'm going to start up a SUS Sports Committee, if you are interested in helping out
pis. come by SUS and look for me or if you can't find me e-mail me at
<aarne@unixg.ubc.ca>.
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Captain Deficit strikes again! One might wonder how he does it but they can't question the fact that he does it with amazing precision and consistency.
To most this time the pending disaster wasn't as obvious as previous. The work started back in Aug and continued right until the disastrous time. This in itself added the
most disguise for this type of work has never been seen before. People were coming
out of the wood work throughout money at this event. Morale was high as were
expectations. The campaign started strong and ended strong but still the loss continued to grow. The waiting for some money to actually come in continued with
optimism; it did not however ever come in.
In short the moral of this story is that we are broke broke broke. Yes we have no
money. None, zip, zilch, nothing at all. And to quote the Captain himself, "well
oops. Watch you gonna do eh?"
See you all in January.
Phil Ledwith	
External V.P.
I'd like to take this special opportunity to say hello to both of my readers. And yes,
Billy, it will make you go blind if you keep doing it.
As I sit here writing, the New York stock exchange is dropping like a stockbroker
wearing concrete: boots. Science week, however, has it's own money so we will still
be able to bring you loads of stuff. Loads and loads of stuff. The dawson club has
promised that we'll have gold panning outside the SUB, and if Sweden sticks to it's
plan to sell fourteen thousand tons of the stuff we may be able to throw a couple of
kilogram nuggets for about 50 cents each. We're still trying to pick a band, so I'm
announcing a REALLY DUMBASS EASY COMPETITION. Send in your vote for the
Cold Fusion Band, and if you choose the band that actually plays then you'll go in
a draw for a free River Rafting Ticket with HYAK wilderness adventures.' Yes that's
right: All you have to do is guess which band we're getting (vote for your favourite
affordable band), and you might win a free rafting ticket. Here's a hint to help you
out: It's probably a Canadian Band. Here's another big tip: it's not The HIP.
For those of you thinking you might be urmafected by the crash, consider this: The
AMS has a huge reserve, the interest from which provides the funding that we need
to continue with things like the intern program, building renovations, concerts, etc.
You've been paying about twenty dollars or so into this fund every year you've been
at UBC. Guess what the AMS did with all that money? Pleasant dreams.
Edrick Yu .   . .,   .,..,■..,
External vice President
It is already November, but oh no, the midterms keep coming regularly every week.
When are the profs ever going to stop jeopardizing the social life of every single university student?
Yes, because it is November, it means that the APEC is not too far away. Watch for
more protesting from those university rebels. Mark my words: These people are
going to be in the spotlight, maybe even more than the dictators alone.
The Asia-Pacific Student Summit is finally over. Thank you for those who helped
out during those five long weeks, and I expect to see all of you in the socials coming up soon, when your volunteer effort will be recognized. My thanks also for
those who show up at the events, in particular the food fair, where you got your free
lunch.
Because we are close to the end of the first term, it means that the Class Act campaign will start soon. Yes, volunteers are massively wanted, and no matter how
much criticisms those SUS execs are telling you (sorry guys), this campaign is still
going to be carried out, and it is going to be a success only if you give your support.
So grads, I need your help. If you think that getting a reference letter from the Dean
and winning prizes are cool, come down to the SUS Office and talk to either myself
or Kathryn Murray. Of course, you can always email me at edrickyu@unixg.ubc.ca.
Well, that's it for now. It is time to head back into the studies...
President
Hello, science students! Here, once again, is my bi-weekly report on what's going on
in science. First off, thanks to all who came out to see Junkhouse. It was a rather
small turnout, but we'd rather refer to it as an intimate evening concert. In light of
the outcome there, we are still rethinking future bzzr gardens. Keep an eye on the
432...we'll let you know as soon as we do.
As far as other pressing news...the university is tr^ng to come up with a workable
plan to reduce liability with respect to alcohol consumption on campus. This would
limit bzzrgardens and other social events in various ways/from requiring substantial
food at the event to allowing only members to attend. They are also, coincidently,
trying to re-write their own version of the Human Rights Act in an effort to avoid
any problems such as SFU had last year. On the sludent end of things, the AMS is
considering raising fees this year. This is in no way a definite event, but it is something the executive are kicking around.
So, feel free to come and give us your views on any of these issues. Or just come say
Hi if you prefer. We spend an awful lot of time in here, so you're bound to find someone around!
John Fournier
Internal Vice President
Well, the new science councilors have been elected and science council is going into
high gear. Here is the list of who the new fish are on the 97-98 science council:
1st Year - Vincent Chan
1st Year - Jennifer Wakely
Science One - Craig Temple
Biology - Jay Garcia
Biochemistry - Kirby Sands
Comp Sc - Jeff Steinbok
Earth and Ocean Sciences - Adrian Mitchell
Math - Scott MacLachlan
Microbiology - Zabrina Bnimme
Pharmacology - Lawrence Yuk - Fung Chang
Physics - Alison Malcolm
Psychology - Kam Brar
General Science - Jake Grey
General Officers -   Kathryn Murray
Amanda Seymour
John Hallett
Lisa Blackshaw
Chemistry - Troy Loss
The election results for those positions that were contested are as follows:
First Year Representatives (there are two):
Roman Kaminsky
Vincent Chan
Victor Leung
Jennifer Wakely
Spoil
Chemistry Representative:
Ahmad Rafi
Troy Loss
Fahreen Dossa
7.
1.3
8
212
1
The tie in chemistry was broken by a science council vote. If you missed the elections and still want to get involved, there are still MANY opportunities. You can join
the Science Week, Budget, Academic, First-Year, Sales or Sports committees. If you
are interested, just drop by SUS (CHEM B160) and leave a note in my box (John
Fournier).
Doug Beleznay
Director of Finance
Wow, another finance report, of sorts. I should start by telling you that at the time
I am writing this we are officially broke, but that should be changing really, really
soon. The student fees that you all paid at the beginning of the year should be transferred into our accounts real soon, and that will take most of the troubles off my
back. (The registrars office withholds the money and gives it to us over the course of
the year so that they can collect the interest in the mean time.
The other major reason we are broke is because of the recent $13,000 loss at
Homecoming Octoberfest. Apparently Junkhouse is not nearly as big of a draw as we
thought. The net result is that our carryover from last year has been obliterated, and
we will tightening our belts at social events for the rest of the year.
The good news is that club grants will be approved and sent off within the next couple weeks. All the clubs that managed to get their membership lists, exec lists, budgets etc. will be receiving an as yet to be determined amount of money, and for those
Science clubs that didn't, you were given plenty of warning, and it wasn't like the
requirements where anywhere near difficult. Better luck next year.
The next major financial thing will be grad rebates, but more info on that as it gets
closer. In the meantime stop by SUS, and pick yourself up some dandy SUS stuff...
talk to Troy for more info. PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
31 OKTOBER 1997
Slave Labour and You.
Everyone thought that slavery was
dead and gone after the US Civil
War. Well, a few tribal communities
in the lower Pacific kept trading North
American tourists for shiny pebbles well
into the 1930s, but essentially the whole
slave industry died out around the turn
of the century. Right? Wrong.
Browse through any sub-cultural
extremist Bondage and Discipline magazine and you can find ads for "Slaves" in
the classifieds. But these are people that
really, really get off on this kind of thing
("Kneel, worm!"). Aside from such independent contractors, do non-consentual
slaves exist in the world?
The answer is-at first glance-no. The
closest entities to slaves we have are
Indonesian Nike Factory workers who
earn a measly $1.50 (Cdn) a day. While
these folks actually do work by their own
free will, the alternative is pretty much
starvation. You might imagine that people in Indonesia can get by on $1.50 per
day, but it should be pointed out that a
random survey of Indonesian Nationals
performed by The 432 revealed that the
average loaf of bread sells for $1.15. Not
much to live on.
Nike has repeatedly defended its hiring
practices by... oh wait, they haven't.
Every time someone accuses them of
abusing human rights in Indonesia with
dangerous factory working conditions,
or of making 12 year olds work 14 hour
shifts in Korea, Nike starts giving away
free T-Shirts. What a wonderful solution
to plumetting world opinion! If only
President Suharto had given away free
shirts and shoes to human rights
activists, he would be able to come in to
Vancouver without so much as a peep
from protesters.
Nike has learned the most important
lesson of public relations: money shuts
people up. Think about it: Is a high
school likely to permit an anti-Nike student group to form when the school's
struggling football team annually
receives $40,000 in free equipment from
the shoe maker? Not likely. Nike has
solved the PR equation.
How can Nike afford to give away literally millions of dollars each year? The
answer brings us right back to the $1.50
Indonesian workday: low overhead.
Now this is where the irony comes in:
the lower the overhead (ie. the lower the
daily wage), the more money to spend
on free giveaways, the better Nike's
image. Don't you just love corporate
America?
Nike has just plain fluked out in finding
a solution to their PR problem that actually increases their profits.
McDonald's hasn't been so lucky.
Rather than giving money directly to
their detractors, McDonald's decided
that it would be neat if they gave the
money to needy children (silly them).
Needy children have an inherent problem. They don't tend to tell the general
media about how nice McDonald's was
to give them so much money. As a result
McDonald's has been slagged left and
right for abusing the employment rights
of millions of spotty-faced teenagers.
Pathetic wages, random shift changes,
no benefits, free McShakes, all of these
elements combine to produce a work
environment that is-fo:r lack of a better
word-hellish.
Now if McDonald's gave away some-
McAir Ronald Basketball shoes, no one
would care if they whipped 14 year olds
into 120 hour work weeks because, hey,
we have free shoes.
Another approach is to try and confuse
the public as to your reasons for using
child labour. A good example of this is a
small company in Peru that makes cotton polo shirts for export to the United
States. They advertise late at night on
the major networks. The commercial is a
wonderful piece of work, featuring pan
flute music and video so soft looking
that you'd think the entire commercial
was shot with a pair of pantihose over
the lens. Over the soft fade-outs and
views of grassy mountains, a thickly
accented south american chap tells us
how this company cares dearly for producing the highest quality products it
can. "We farm our cotton in the Andes
Mountains despite how difficult the elevation makes harvesting because the
Peruvian cotton that grows there is the
softest on the planet." we are assured.
After a short investigation into this
company, I discovered that the real reason the fields and factories are in Peru
isn't because of the cotton. It's because
they can employ the local children for
$2.00/day and not have to give them
any employee benefits. If the kids whine,
they're either fired or whipped. By looking at the commercials, however, I came
to the conclusion that this company
must have a huge profit margin. So I
called my broker. I'm not saying that I
approve the human rights abuses, I'm
just saying that I like money. Which
brings us to APEC.
APEC is essentially doing exactly what I
did last year, country A is investing in
country B in the hopes of making tonnes
of cash, all-the-while turning a blind eye
to exactly how this money is being
made.
Country B could be slaughtering political prisoners and selling their organs on
the black market and country A would
ignore this. The only provision would be
that country A would get part of the
profits.
As it turns out, this is an excellent way
to make cash. At the same time I invested into the polo shirt company, I
pumped some cash into a T-Shirt manufacturer in New Mexico for comparison.
The Peruvian plant has made about 60%
in eight months compared to only 5%
for the one in New Mexico. Somehow I
don't think the difference is because of
polo shirts being more popular...
In recent years, there has been a massive
insurgence of anti-exploitation feelings.
In fact, recently a new mutual fund company called Ethical Mutual Funds has
enjoyed massive success. Despite its
meager growth (10% per annum so far),
people are flocking to its banner because
the fund manager promises not to invest
in any companies that exploit underprivileged groups or conduct illegal
activities.
I think that there is enough support out
there for an Unethical Mutual Fund. I'll
take charge of this fund, and invest in
Nike, McDonald's, Crack Houses,
Cocaine Distributors, and a few prostitution rings. We'll buy beleaguered goodwill organizations, chop them up, and
sell the bits for a massive profit.
Then I'll withdraw the entire company's
finances before your second dividend
and bugger off to the Caribbean. What
can I say? It's an unethical fund. You
expected better?
So it all comes back to money. In a capitalist society we make money by
exploiting the poor. So I'm going to stop
it right now. I'm reforming. I'm only
investing in ethical companies. I'm
protesting Nike, McDonald's and APEC.
I'm going to be a better day. As soon as
my stock hits $95 and 1/8...
-John is actually a nine-year old Mexican
girl who we pay three american dollars a
year, -ed
CUPC
To register or for more information
please contact us at UBC:
/
97
v*.
THE CANADIAN
UNDERGRADUATE
PHYSICS CONFERENCE
A great chance for Physics Undergrads to meet well-
known physicists, and to learn what other interested
undergrads from all over Canada are doing.
Lome Whitehead (from UBC)   Hector Riveros
Inventor of Prism Light Pipes
Technology Transfer expert
Bill Unruh (from UBC)
General Relativity Theoretical
Physicist
C.A.P. Congress Lecturer
Doug Osheroff (Stanford)
1996 Nobel Prize winner for
discovering superfluidity in Heg
Melissa Franklin
Member of the Discovery Team for
Top Quark
email: cupc97@physics.ubc.ca phone: (604)822-3116 fax: (604)822-5324
Plus: Representative from the Jet
Propulsion Laboratory, speaking on
the Mars Pathfinder Mission

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