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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 13, 1991

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^olume 4 Nuniber fy       The Newspaper for Science/Students Wednesday, Feb. 13,1991
RCMP Campus Alert   t^w*-*-
Small male in daipers roaming campus
Suspect considered armecC and affectionate
by Elaine Wong and Aaron Drake (now
let's not make any over-ambitious assumptions, here)
L is for the way you look at me, O is for the
only one I see, V is very, very extraordinary,
and E is for all those enamoured, entangling,
and, possibly embarrassing situations people
have had to endure in the name of love.
Throughout the aiges, many customs have
been followed in hopes of attaracting or retaining love. Byzantium times saw the eating
of milk and honey cakes while, later, herbs
and flowers were used to malice love potions.
Greek men, in ancient times, believed that
tying the udder of a hyena under their arm
would render them irresislable to young
wmoen. As a backup, he could also make up
a love potion consisting of calf's brains, wolf
tail hairs, snake bones, owl feathers, and bits
of human corpses.
There have been times when what we consider today to be ordinary constituents of the
diet have been regarded as having great influences on love and mating. Ancient Greeks
would shape their liread in phallic forms,
while eggs were thought of as sacred symbols
of procreation. When the tomato was first
introduced in Spain in the sixteenth century,
the Spanish were known to pay over $ 1200 for
a pound of it since it was considered a powerful love food. In fact, this was believed in
other countries, including England. So powerful was this belief that the Puritans spread
rumours that tomatoes were poisonous in order to phase out their consumption.
It is not surprising that many rituals have
developed around eveirycul;ure'sideaof love.
Historically, women of Papua would choose a
man and bite him to indicate their choice.
Women of the Solomon Islands, once betrothed, would be imprisoned in a cage, possibly for several years, until her wedding day.
All the while her father would guard her.
OnBorkum, a German island, a man risked
his life when dating a girl. His peers in the
village would lock him in his house.which
they would then proceed to fill with smoke.
The village would celebrate if the man answered positively when asked if he was engaged. If he responded negatively, he would
be dragged by a rope through a pond.
Love itself, as Churchill once said, is a
mystery wrapped inside of an enigma (or
something to that effect). With all that science
and psychology can tell you about human
behaviour, there is still no coherent explanation for the emotion of love. Theories range
from the Freudian argument that love is a
result of the gratification we get from having
another person adore us, while some sociologists will argue that love is a "trap" that the
female invented to keep the male around for
those long months when she is pregnant.
There is no explanation for blind love - the
tendency for battered people to love the person that is abusing them, for example. No one
SAC Stuns SUS - suspension suspended sources say
Hot headed Hitchen harangues, hailed hero
(SUB) The SUS drew a collective sigh of
relief as the Student Administrative Council
voted down a motion to suspend the booking
privileges of the SUS.
The motion was the result of improprieties
at The Last Dance on Earth. SAC held a
meeting on Monday, February 2, in part to
discuss the matter of suspending the booking
privileges of the SUS. Before voting, persons
were invited to come and speak on behalf of
"A good dozen came to speak out for Science," said former President Ari Giligson. "I
think that we did pressure SiAC to vote it
down. I think it gave them the idea that people
were watching what they were doing."
The motion recommended suspending the
booking privileges of the Science Undergraduate Society for 99 years less a day. If it
was passed, it would have been the longest
suspension handed out in the history of UBC.
Observers agreed that, for the most part, the
presence of students defending Science had a
positive effect, but there were criticisms of
certain comments. In particular, SUS Council
members Mike Hamilton and Mark Hoenig
fell under harsh criticism for their butthead
arguments that almost sunk SUS. A motion in
SUS council to have their tongues removed in
order to avoid future: boneheaded remarks
was narrowly defeated.
In defense of his foot-in-mouth actions,
Mike Hamilton said, "Look, they loved us.
We made that meeting a meeting. We were
central. Bugger off."
Certainly one of the bright spots ofthe
meeting was the dramatic stance SAC member Don Hitchen tool;:. Hitchen is also SUS
"I abstain, dammit! I abstain!" Hitchen was
reported to have barked as he pounded on the
table in defense of the Science Undergraduate
Society. The abstension was considered a
godsend by many, who feared that, as amember
of SAC, Hitchen may have lost touch with, his
roots, and voted in favor of a retaliatory air
strike on Chem 160.
"We thought he was brainwashed," said
Caireen Hanert, Internal Vice President.
Elsewhere, members of the Radical Beer
Liberation Front, formerly the Radical Beer
Faction, grumbled in disappointment and
threw away their spray paint cans. Also,
rumblings were heard in the office of The 432,
where editors scrambled frantically to look
for articles to replace the column on SAC
Executive nominations close today
on the SUS En eeutive will close
today. All Forms mast, be !»
Chem 160 by &30 pro.
The positions open are Frfesi-
6mt> Internal Yic* President,
External Vice Pmitot*Bir*e«
tot of Publications* lXrector of
Finance* Executive Seeretary,.
and Sports Director,, Nomination tmtm for these positions
are still available!» Chen*
At pr«ss time, there was no the positions last year were cot*
iirformatSomavaiiableabouf who tested* md one was by appoint
was running for what positions, mmt
but The 432 wilt provide a patt« Any SUS memberis eligible u
out section In tlie next fssuej sit oil SITS council as an exeei*
featuring the candidates, their| tfve*
pictures, and what their plaM tfthe*e are a*iy questions* o*i<
forms are. I should contact Chris Sing a
Although par&Spatioft this jCheia 168 (228 4235).
year lias been very high, in the \    This year's SUS exeeotive
past ther« have been problems I dwrak and III jat% was unavaii
with getting people to riti* for lable for comment
executive positions. Only two of \
knows why two people who cannot stand
being around each other continue to love one
Carl Jung developed a theory of love at first
sight. According to Jung, men have unconscious perceptions of a feminine side to his
nature, while women have their perception of
a masculine side. Whenever someone is encountered who meets this subconscious image, the attraction becomes instantaneous.
Unfortunately, there is no empiical evidence
to support this. In fact studies suggest that
attractiondevelops slowly for the vastmajority.
Why do people fall in love? One popular is
the misattribution theory. In this, the person
becomes physiologically aroused, be it through
exertion, anger, or something that gets the
adrenalin flowing andthebloodmoving. When
the true cause of arousal becomes lost, the
person begins looking for something to attribute the arousal to. If an attractive person is in
the vicinity, those feelings of arousal can be
attributed to love.
Experiments seem to support the misattribution theory. In one experiment, subjects
had to meet a woman after crossing a high
rickety bridge over a deep canyon, or a low
solid one. Over a brook. On the other end, the
female asked them to compose a story based
on a certain picture they were shown. Subjects
who crossed the high bridge wrote stories
containing more sexual imagery than those
who crossed the low bridge. They even more
competitors complete captivating
(SUS) The light bulb era is upon us.
Students responded to The 432 Light Bulb
Joke Contest with over 300 light bulb jokes.
Some were outrageously funny, some raised a
smile, and some belonged in the toilet.
Contestant were asked, in the January 21
issue of The432, to submit original lightbulb
jokes, with prizes to be awarded for first,
second and third place.
Ed Hewlett won first place, submitting over
one hundred jokes to the contest. Hewlett gets
a Science Sweater for his efforts.
Second place goes to Richard Stephenson
for his contribution. Stephenson wins a pair
of Track Pants from Science Sales.
Finally, third place was given to Michael
Chow, who submitted 95 jokes. However, 47
were disqualified, being jokes that he had
simply copied out of previous issues of The
All contestants should claim their prizes at
Chem 160.
The 432
February 13,1991 A Valentines Day Thought
* * Valentine's day ^always brings back fond
memories of elementary school. Like how we
had to clean our desks on the day before
Valentine's Day.
God, I hated desks. I am about the anti-
neatest person in the world.If you gave me one
piece of wood and threw me in an empty
room, I would somehow manage to clutter up
the room with that one piece of wood. Now
imagine giving me sixty cubic feet of school
supplies, and asking me to put them neatly
inside those tiny pukey green desks. I couldn't
do it. As a matter of fact, I seemed to attract
clutter. Clutter would come to my desk to die.
I was the clutter graveyard of the interior of
BC. I swear. There were sections inside my
desk with Japanese soldiers that didn't know
the war was over yet. I hated desks. Really.
(I especially hated geometry sets. I hated
those stupid compasses that broke down after
the first nanosecond, and the only thing left to
do with it was stick the protractor in it and run
around theroom, pretending it was the Starship
Enterprise. Actually, I liked the pointy end,
because I really didn't like Trish Doyle.)
But we had to clean out our desks before
Valentine's Day so that we could paste envelopes on the sides of our desk. Remember
that? On Valentine's day, everyone would
wander about the room putting those little
cheap Valentine Things that all litdekids gave
out. They were about the size of a postage
stamp and they had a raccoon with a top hat
drawn on it that was saying Gee Whillikers,
I'm Blue. Would YOU be my Valentine?
The boys would casually give them to all
their friends, and try to discretely put them in
envelopes attached to desks belonging to girls.
You didn't want to be caught doing that, let
Top Ten Reasons to
Shop at IKEA
jy Derek Miller
LO.Getting to feel like you built the
furniture you assembled even
though you just followed instructions and have less woodworking
skill than a blob of Dream Whip.
9. Roaring over the Knight St. Br idge
at 100 km/h with AC/DC blasting
on the radio all the way there.
8. Getting wistful wishing you could
go in the Ball Crawl.
7. Roaring over the Knight St. Bridge
at 120 km/h with Van Halen blasting on the radio all the way home.
6. Laughing at all the funny names
for the furniture (RINGO swivel
stool, ALNARP armchair).
5. Feeling superior when some kid
barfs in the Ball Crawl and a staff
member has to clean it up.
4. Wondering if anyone comes to the
cafeteria just to eat lunch.
3. Running behind one of the flat
shopping carts and then jumping
on it and seeing if you can steer
before you hit that old lady.
2. Knowing that it's not Swedish for
common sense.
& Sell.
me tell you. Then you would be guilty of
Liking a Girl, a horrible transgression of The
Litde Boy's Code of Professional Conduct.
The penalty for liking a girl was a Gonch Pull
(the Gonch pull, by the way, was a fiendish
torture method invented by the VietCong, but
abandoned when they agreed it was too horrible. So they taught little boys how to do it to
their friends).
I was The Fat Kid, and I was The Smart Kid,
so I was doomed on Valentine' s Day. Nobody
gaveme Valentine Things, except Jeff Rankin,
but that was because he was The Other Smart
Kid, although he wasn't The Other Fat Kid,
but he was The Kid With Thick Glasses That
You Could Steal And Play Keepaway With.
Jeff Rankin got more Valentines than I did, if
only because everyone found him to be so
much fun (Hey, let's go give Jeff a Valentine
and then steal his glasses!). Richard Van
Horlick also got more Valentine's Things
than me because he was The Other Fat Kid
Who's Underwear Was Always Sticking Out
Of His Pants. They found him entertaining
(Hey, let's go give Ritchie a Valentine and
then give him a Gonch Pull!).
See, I wasn't entertaining. Nobody wanted
to give The Smart Kid a Valentine Thing so
they could get close enough to ask him to
solve an equation. Every now and then, someone would give me one out of pity, usually
misspelling my name (Arrron, AAAron,
Randy, Vladimir). But when I got them from
a GIRL! Gee! It was so much fun exchanging
Valentine Things with girls, because you got
to stand near them, and if you planned itright,
your hands would brush.
She: Oh, hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
(long pause)
He: Grunt.
She: For me? Thanks. Here's one for you.
(long pause)
He: Grunt
She: Bye.
He: Grunt.
Whoa! Idon'tknow about you, but my heart
is just racing from all these erotic memories.
I guess the wild rebel days of Grade Five are
gone forever.
We no longer give out those Valentine
Things any more, which is strange, considering
In Ten Words or Less
by Ed Short
(In Ten Words or Less is a regular column by
Ed Short, master of Precis, who presents
political opinions in ten or less words, not
including the title.)
Mv Almost Cunning
Plan That Will. If
Properly Implemented.
Appease Quebec
Seperatists. Provide
Canada With Complete
Energy Independence.
And End The Gulf War.
Although It Might Make
The Americans A Little
Bit Nervous
Trade Quebec to Iraq for Kuwait and future
that we all took it for granted that that was
what everyone did on Valentine's Day, from
students all the way up the highest leaders of
our governments.(She: Oh, hi, Mister Prime
Minister. Happy Valentine's Day. (long pause)
He: Grunt.) We were still young, still yet to
find out that man was meant to spend years
catering to their groins, and we figured that
Valentines were mainly meant to be exchanged
between men (Great squash game Bert! Now
how about some brews and catching the hockey
game on TV? Oh, by the way, here. Would
you be my Valentine?). Then again, we also
thought that grown men gave Gonch Pulls to
each other.
Thus, there was nothing strange-about Huey
Freeman giving me a Valentine, even if it did
say, "Let's destroy some Yankees tonight."
You see, Huey was my best friend, which
meant that we could beat each other up on
alternate Wednesdays. In between these fights,
we would Combat The Americans In Guerilla
How about that? Not only was I The Smart
Kid, but I had already finely honed my sense
of Foreign Affairs to realize that the Americans were about to invade us any day. Huey
and I were preparing for such an event by
being ten-year old commandos, attacking
armored columns with our Winchesters (he
had a Winchester -1 had Sten MK II painted
orange so as not alarm Anal Neighbors) in my
basement. When you think about it, it was the
perfect ploy. I mean, what Invading Yankee,
who seemed to always be named Plim or
Hoss, would suspect a child? What's that,
Hoss? Why, it's nothing Plim, just a couple of
ten-year olds in full combat gear with orange-
painted Sten Mk IPs coming to ask us to be
their ValentinGAAAAAAAACK!!!!
We'd kill Plim and keep Hoss alive, who
would tell us everything, because he knew that
we were well versed in the deadly art of the
Gonch Pull.
Aaron Drake is not at all mired in his childhood. He ismerely reliving find memories.
Gonch pulls is the best it gets.
Sales Manager
for SUS for the 91/
92 School year.
purchases & marketing.
mission + 5%
clothing commission on
gross sales.
See Dean Leung at
Chem 160
Results for Senate and
BoG: SUS-Affiliated
people who got in:
Orvin Lau
Catherine Rankel
Dean Leung
Science Senator
Clement Fung
Board of Governors
Derek Miller
from The 432 !
The First Annual
Day Masquerade
Dance Party
(Come as yoti are
Tickets $3 on sale now in Physsoc (Henn 30*7)
friday ftSruaty IS, iSBl   7pm Httm 318
The 'Blaef^and <B[ue %evieu>
T/te Caching <Ef\cettence Award
lominate your best prof for the Teaching Excellence
.ward! Express your opinions on your classes and
he profs that teach them by filling out a Black and
Jlue form. Representatives of SUS Council will be
ittending classes to hand out and collect B&B forms
>eginning Feb 18. Nomination forms for the Teaching
Excellence Award are available in Chem 160, also
•eginning Feb 18.
The 432
February 13,1991 Questions For Dan Quayle
What does familiarity mate with in order to
breed contempt?
Listen: in the first place it isn't latin, and in
the second place pigs don't speak it Get it
If Noah took two of every animal onto the
ark, how in the heck did the plants surivie?
Did he drop by Safeway and pick up those
little seed packages?
Chop sticks don't.
Who is she and what mountain is she coming around?
How does Peter Piper's plant grow pre-
pickled peppers?
Did Noah take two of every insect? What
about microbes?
Why do they call them logarithms? Have
you ever seen a log that could keep a beat?
Why doesn't that stupid rabbit go out and
buy a box of Trix? Perhaps he's a kleptomaniac.
Why in the world do they call it a rule of
thumb anyway? Thumbs don't rule. You
you might want to write a rule on your palm or
Orange juice made from concentrate. I've
been sitting here concentrating for hours and
nothing's happening.
And breaks. Nothing gets broken when you
take them.
Ivory soap is 9944/100% pure. Pure what?
What is the rest of it? Plutonium?
Thumb tacks look nothing like thumbs,
Light beer weighs the same as regular beer.
What gives?
We've got telephone jacks; why don't we
have telephone jills? Maybe the AMS should
pass a bylaw.
contributions by Dan Reinders and another "studious" Science 1 student, Rachel
"the Hit Man" Farrall, Dono Shmono
Hitchen, Andyman Hodgson, Aaron Drake
Reminder to Physiology,
Pharmacology, and other
(non-Biochem) Grads
interested in joining the
Biochem Grad Dinner &
Dance: Leave a message in
the BIOC Dept Office by
Feb 15
A deep apology to all those
who waited ever-so patiently for their much
overdue Biochem jackets.
We hope they were worth
(BiochemSzveathshirts andT-shirts are
available in the (Biochem (Dept Office
Sweathsirts: $18.50
"T-shirts: $12.50
The World of    The Drawers
Science, and all
that, I think
Today's Theme:
Are vou done in there yet?!
Yet again, here I
sit, another 432 -
but alas, someone
has answered the
question regarding
why people sneeze
when they look at
bright lights. I'll
answer that in the
next issue. Ooooh,
I bet you can't wait for the answer to that
Here's some tidbits of information to
brighten your day:
During an average lifetime, the person
- seven years in the bathroom
- six years eating
- five years waiting in line
- three years in meetings (for me, this can
be upgraded to about six years)
- two years trying to return phone calls
- eight months opening junk mail
- six months sitting at red lights
- two and a half months in movie theaters
Next week: something else I find at the last
Kelly Guggisberg can be found spending
time in the AMS Executive bathroom at all
times of the day
of SUS
by Catherine Rankel, SUS President
Hi everyone.. The last council meeting was
kind of short, because I had really bad gas. So
we got through all the motions as quick as
possible. My apologies to those who sat beside me. On top of that, I had been out all night
on a fact-finding mission for SUS downtown,
and I was pretty tired, so I don't remember all
that much about the meeting.
I do remember that there were a lot of
important things discussed. A motion was
passed to appoint some yahoo temporary
Executive Secretary. Also there was something about some club being given lots of
money by us. A bunch of people gave lots of
reports about this and that, but if you're all that
interested, you can find the yahoo they made
Secretary and get the minutes from her.
The clubs gave boring reports and I drifted
off every now and then, but, once again, if you
really want to know what happened, contact
the yahoo.
I think about at that time someone beside me
asked if they could light a match.
I think there was some hulaballoo about The
432 towards the end, and everyone got mad at
everyone else, and the Editor didn't want to
make Senate Reports a regular thing, and
some people did. I couldn't hear all that well,
what with everyone around me waving sheets
of paper. At any rate, it was decided that the
Editor could have final say on that issue, and
I guess there is no more Senate Report.
Finally, I would like to thank the Editor for
his patience and kindness for writing this
column for me because I missed the deadline.
Thank you, Aaron.
No, no Catherine. Thank you,
aWrtk ^^k Wfflk &%
ess       P8^   BS        eS   P^       WW    —*»■■■-
liUI ib
President's Choice™
Letters T® Tie
The Victoria Times-Colonialist
Dear Sir {this goes without saying}
I feel quite compelled to express, by way of
this letter, the extreme state of my indignation
with {one of: the existence of a skate-board
shoppe nearby/the construction of a house in
other than the Tudor style/hooliganism in
shopping malls/the admission of non-whites
into the Royal Victoria Yacht Club/the introduction of flavour in food}. I find it most
distressing that our duly-elected municipal
authorities have not fulfilled their mandate to
keep our quaint city safe for {up to two of:
tourists/commisioneers/Old- Age Pensioners/
Corgis/victory gardens/steam-driven sea vessels}.
Do not misunderstand, I am certainly not a
{one of: racist/ chauvinist/imperialist/
Welshman/deluded old fart}, but I strongly
suspect that this entire situation, in fact everything from stale crumpets to shoddy tweed,
is the fault of {one of: feminists/natives/
everyone between the ages 5-55/francophones/
motorists who drive faster than 35 kph}.
Surely, even though this is a constitutional
monarchy, and everyone deserves their day in
court, the police could at least take the immediate measure of {up to two of: tear-gassing the local pub/imposing an 8pm curfew/
demanding loyalty oaths from shifty-looking
foreigners/closing the airport/lashings}. In
all my {>55} years, I must say that I have
never been witness to such irresponsibility.
When {I/my late husband} served with the
{some obscure army regiment named after a
member of royalty}, this sort of thing never
would have happened. Rather, all those involved would have been put up against a wall
and promptly shot
{First 4 initials, followed by
hyphenated last name},
Oak Bay
M©w ft© Won© a L®tttt®r
tt© ttDn© HJIbvss©v
Before you sit down to write your letter to
the Ubyssey. you need to figure out just who,
or what it is that you hate, and what means
you would like to see employed in its elimination. It is marginally important that you formulate an actual argument to support your
position, but by no means feel compelled to do
this before you begin writing. After all, the
letter column is a free space for you to list all
of your grievances in a seamless stream of
invective, so resorting to an outline or rough
draft is simply bowing to the conservative
academic patriarchy, which is bad.
Do not begin with a salutation, unless it is in
a language other than English. This reason for
this is that modem English does not include a
version of 'Dear ' that is not either
gender-specific, or directed to the attention of
a single reader. The latter is bad since the
Ubyssey's editorial position is determined by
a collective, which is kind of like an editorial
review board, only more Politically Correct
and without the reactionary connotations. To
Whom it May Concern' is not acceptable
cimerr^ince4f4^concerns the Ubyssey. it
concerns everybody, and thus this opening is
considered too tolerant of the pervading apathy at UBC.
Begin immediately with an eye-searing
display of your capacity for sarcasm. It is a
widely-known fact that your ability to be
ironic is a direct indicator of your intellect and
knowledge of a given subject. Don'tbe afraid
to be heavy-handed; subtlety is for apologists
who can't take responsibility for their collective male guilt. Feel free to compare individuals who hold the wrong opinion to convicted
murderers, or better still, rapists. This technique is equally applicable to AMS executives and artists whose work portrays men and
womyn as being different from one another.
If you are concerned that your comments may
be viewed as libelous, a healthy precaution
would be to label the target of your condemnation a pathological liar right at the outset, so
that their rebuttals will be disregarded. Be
warned, those who feel threatened by your
moral upper-hand may try to throw you off
with repeated references to the Constitution.
Don'tbe intimidated! This transparentploy is
crudely designed to distract readers who don't
know any better from the real issue. The
important thing is that you remain resolute in
your convictions, and never fail to respond to
a rebuttal with a lengthy counter-charge.
The editorial arena has a language all its
own, and a protocol as tricky as any found in
diplomatic circles. It is best, when still a
novice agitator, to limit one's words and
phrases to the accepted list, a copy of which is
available from the Ubyssey offices in SUB
24IK. An abridged list includes terms like
"intellectual apartheid,""ozone-ambivalent,"
"zooexploitation," "passive victimization, "
and"Valdez-esque,"justtonameafew. As
you become more experienced, you will be
able to synthesize your own jargon, safely and
without fear of verbo-persecuting anyone.
Relevant qualifications, such as vegitarian-
ism or a close acquaintance with Sinead
O'Connor, should be disclosed tastefully at
the end of the letter, for the reader's convenience. Your major or program can be listed
after your name, but be aware that some
faculties bear a stigma that can mar your
reputation. This can be avoided by tactfully
using these alternate designations:
Agriculture: Agrarian Arts
Applied Science: Practical Arts
Commerce: Mercantile Arts
Forestry: Silvacultural
Physical Education:     Somatic Arts
Science: Natural Philosophy
Keep in mind that the collective will not
publish any letters that they deem to be racist,
sexist or homophobic. Now while it is virtually unthinkable that a proper letter done in
your hand would be rejected on these grounds,
remember that the staff of the "Vile Rag" has
had a lot more practice than you at being
Politically Correct. They will be able to pick
out the little faux pas that can inadvertently
offend, such as refering to pre-womyn as
"girls." Trust their discretion in this regard; it
may take years before you have fully purged
yourself of your parents' chauvinistic influence, and there will undoubtably be many
hard lessons on the path to purity and righteousness.
Patrick Redding is in Honours Physics and
spends his time writing scathing letters to
Physical Review, lambasting the editors for
their radical views.
Howmany neurotics doesittake tochangej
a light bulb?
One, but he'll do it over and over.
How many cowboys does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the bulb and one to lead
the horse around. My dearest Clifford,
Surprised, heh?Olere s a girl sending a Cove message to you on the
Valentine s Day... QUI this girt is
only your tittle elfish sister!
Don't Be disappointed!
Don't be emBarassed!
'By the way, I love you every day!
(PS. Say "Olappy Valentine s" to
(Benny and Mr Law, than?c
(Rpses are red
Violets are Blue
(Boy am I happy
That I found you!
(Well, it's not that original But what
can I say?)
will you please please please
please with sugar on top
please please please
please I'll promise to Be nice
please please please
please I'd let you drive my car
please Be my Valentine?!?
grant (the guy with the "humBle"
slightly aBove average red car)
Don't you like this? Oh, sorry. O
don't mean to emBarass you, But I
really want to say "I life you very
much ever since I first met you with
'Enjoy your Valentine s with
(PS. (Remember that you told me I
could send such a letter to a girl if I
know her well enough? (Here you go.
To the young lady in 3rd year 'Pharmacy who tafes the 31 Bus:
I sometimes tafe the same Bus as
you, and I thinfeyou are the sweetest
and most attractive girl I have ever
seen. I would love so much to meet
you, But I can never seem to get the
nerve to talk.toyou. I (Just wanted to
say that I am so attracted to you...
Sin admirer
(Happy birthday, 'Bud,
Olappy Valentine's too!
(litre is my spade, and here is my
Olappy 'Birthday, Christine
(oh yeah; Olappy Valentine s Day,
Valentine s day is a special day for
couples, But any day I share with you
is a special day to me. My love for
you feeps growing so each time I say
I love you, it has a new and stronger
meaning. I LOVE yOU.
- Virginia -
I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
- Alfredo -
^ ^ ^f
Olow Beautiful you are, my
Oh, how Beautiful!
Turn your eyes from me; they
overwhelm me.
(four graceful legs are life
.   jewels,
(four navel is a roundedgoBlet.
(your nose is life the tower of
Ohw Beautiful you are and how
Love, 'Randy
To Ahnizn,
If the sun refuses to shine,
I will still Be loving you.
If mountains crumBle to the sea,
There will still Be you and me.
'Cause since I've Been loving you,
'Woman, my tears fall life rain.
always yours,
'your Big (Boudin ((RpB)
Dearest Angelina,
I just wanted to say Olappy Valentine 's Day to my one and only love!
Than^for the past 8 1/2 months,
they've Been fantastic! 'Well, Olappy
Valentine's Day BaBe, I love you...
Love (Philip ((B.(H.)
914 days of laughter, happiness, tears
kisses and love.
I never thought that one person could
change my life, or me, in such a great
way. Than fe for putting up with the
Bad times and all my faults, and for
continuing to care aBout and support
me. just thinkfBAlHAMAS and
rememBer that I'll always love you.
(PS. ybu mafe me SWEAT!!!
Let's start Building again.
Shna (Ftuggie (in whip cream).
Love Ian
Let's find a parkj>ench, quick!
To Studmuffin,
Come away with me and Be my stud,
(for you touched my heart and fired
my Blood;
your gentle hands did conquer my
Come away with me and mafe me
To Cutie (Pie
'Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I'll always love you
AndTeddy will too!
Olappy Valentine's Day,
Love, Sweetcheefe
^ ^f ^P
To the junior Mousefeteer:
If I were Miss Muffet
And you were my tuffet
'Boy, how the car wouldrock.-
Our ecstatic thrusts
And unBridled lusts
'Would leave poor Seymour in shock!
"Can I drive - please?"
To Duncan
Sweet music fills your ears,
As you wander down the pier,
And then you see her?
Chris wrote this
Meow Meow (Purr Meow!
' Translation: I wooly wooly love you,
tortoise shell cat.
(from your torn cat ( or wooky)
After I wash the dishes, let's mafe
love life crazed weasels, 0%?
your mutant
V w
VE(Ry(fi(i^E a$£ you My
VE'RyflO^A^Hp VE(RyMlO^E...
^ V ^f
(Rpses are red,
And that's not the end;
I'11 always love you,
My Special (friend
Olappy 'Birthday!
(Happy Valentine's day
(from The 432
DW*i(who eats tomatoes) toSD%,
(who can point north ofO^amiBia):
(four months' iffs By (P2C2E are
QED (wahoo; wahoo) — here 'stoa
long, long while.
Chem 313
can Be such a Bore
But when you walfein
it mafes my heart soar
your wisdom and wit
are second to none
never have I met
someone so fun
Dave, to me
you are number one
(that's Because
you 're the Dean's son)
To Dunfenan, my sweet hunfenan:
Through endless walks in misty rain,
This 19th year I wait in vain
for the Canucks to win the Stanley
for you to awafe andwisen up...
you 're in love with me, you dweeB -
Admit it or I'll call you IfEE'B!"
Dear Calvin,
Since Boys are stupid and mean, I
don't want you to thinfethis is a real
Love is
by Jason Olson.
-neverhaving to apologizefor the movies
you fife to watch
-never having a shirt of your own to
■always having a warm place to put
your feet at night
•gaining a new outlookon. ropes
•never having to Ceave the toilet seat
•an easy way to kilt time before Cheers
[earning to tolerate your partner's
strange friends
■teaming to toCerate your partners rejection of your closest friends
■never having to leave the toilet seat up
•midnight paranoia
-best experienced in private
« >V ••» y» s y
?   »/
Dear (Brent:
(Rover loves you -so do I.
Love, (Kel
(finchen: I long for the day when my
head will explode. 'PS. I've got some
/ saw the golden sun rise today
Slowly and gracefully over the
(Rising out of my Bed on a golden sun
'Wondering if I could fly with you to
Sitting By the Thames (River
Watching the Boats go By
Thinking sweet thoughts to you
To Amanda
(from Chris
I hope you enjoy your
Valentine's surprise trip
Love, Alan
To all the (B(P(P executive women.
Thanks for doing such agreatjoB.
It's Been a slice.
The ex-prez
The post extension is nigh
It's your call OlerB...
<Backjo fellow date advisors and
wonder or
forward to grooving with authentic
cacti-candle cone of silence sessions
XO Captain of(Pro-Maytag Man
...are you with me?
Dear Jeff,
you will always Be the only one in my
life. I love you.
■My LaB (Partner,
(Rpses are red
Violets are Blue
I love the way you pipette
And titrate too.
■the Chem Qoddesss
oh (jordyou doll...
I'm too short and you're so tall
I watch you as you read a Book,
you'd always have that cute confused look,
give me a kiss... and in a swirl of
I'll turn into a princess fillofsexual
The frog in the tank.
An ode to Alanwulf and his trusty
steeds, the WarriormoBile, the Micro-
moBile, and the Unhappy car:
Olappy Valentine's Day, you studly
dud! May all your wishes come true
(even the ones you haven't thought of
Love & friendship,
To OQis (the Bear/dog): This is Dino. I
am a large yellow and orange polka-
dotted dinosaur who would love to
cuddle up with you each night and
lickjyou with my little pinktongue.
Love, Dino (the dinosaur)
(PS. 0(eep me away from Amy!!
To all the women in my life:
With a war raging in the Qulf,
'Bringing untold human suffering,
This mushy Valentine's sentiment
9{o longer seems appropriate.
So let 'sjust mafe hot and sloppy till
the cops come.
Love Al
((Boy am I gonna catch it for this one)
Oley (Pancake ^irl! Can I pour liquid
invert sugar, whipped cream, and
strawBeries all over you and then lick.
them off?!?
Love, the 0{acho Odd
Come live with me, and Be my love
A9{dwe will some nBew pleasures
Of golden sands, and crystal Brooks,
With siffen lines, andsdver hooks.
•John Donne
Dear James,
My favorite laB partner.
Lovem 0(el
I will protect you from the hooded
(Keep the vampires from your door...
Dreams life angles,
They feep added faith,
Love is the light, scaring darkness
The sight of you mafes my heart race
your muscular chest and cute little
Thought genetics I sit and stare
It must Be something in that
'Kelowna air
you always act as if your on fire
1(elsey my dearest it s you I desire
DouBle your pleasure
Double your fun
DouBle your IQ
And you '11 get 31.
(Pofey: (hfever have I met someone
who ticfecs and pokes so much (or
should I say picfees andtofes?). One
of these days I'mgoping to give it
real good to you in (BIOL 413!
Love, (Picfees: The Slow (Puppy
(Rpses are red
Violets are Blue
It's a great sensation
'Beating you (n^h)
^9 ^9 V
To my Snuggle 'Bonnie: Wow! you 're
neat to play snuggle Bunnies with!
Wanna play tonight? Dino and 9(ris^
can watch!
Love, Steve
Dearest Ermly,
I wish you a very happy Valentine's
Day and Olappy (Birthday too!
Liz...you are...
A very special person,
with a perfect smile to suit,
you haven't changed since grade 7
when you were very cute.
your friends include (Renee
who "pops" Bugs to enjoy herself,
And then there s Anna s sense of
which needs a little Bit of help.
(But I wasn 't teasing when I said,
"you are Beautiful'', it's true,
'Because I chose Comm. faculty,
I will Be missing you.
To my princess at Queen's. I love you
and I miss you. Olappy 2nd Valentine 's Day.
Love Always, %arim.
To my dearest Anne,
I don't know what is going to
happen. Will it Be a happy or sad
Valentine's Day? Are we able to
reach our 15-month? Where is my
faith? I am so scared to answer these
'But there is one thing I know: I
LOVE yOU. My heart is still yours.
And I hope By the time you see this...
Love forever, Stephen.
To my favourite Martian,
Would you have caught if I threw
myself at you?
a shy (Punfen
Dear Sandra,
(Happy Valentine's Day! "Elephant
(Happy Valentine's Day!!
gio anddave
Dearest T.W.,
I Love you
Three simple words
With a complex meaning
That is not said
As often as it should
It is not understood By many
yet some try to understand
And many claim to comprehend
'But do they really know?
I Love you
Three simple words
(Placed together
To Bring people closer
And to tear them apart
Said to the point of saturation
yet there is no meaning
The intent is to persuade
Love, S. 'Berringer
Wf^v^M^^ DearScarfy,
I loved you with a passion and faith
Thankjyou, Co-Coach.
Olow long will I love you?
As long as the stars are above you
And longer if I can.
(How long will I need you?
As long as the seas agree
To follow their plan.
Olow long will I want you?
As long as you want me
And long if I can.
Olappy Valentine's Day.
(Rpses are red
Violets are Blue
Sugar is sweet
And who are you?
Life is great, life is fine
'Cause each night I come
(Home to you Valentine.
I love you Christine.
(PS. I '11 trade you a kiss for a kiss!
Love Charlie.
Olappy Valentine's Day and Anniversary
Love Winkles.
To the (Hamster
you're simply the Best.
(PS. I've got them. Clicfeclick,
together wt 'vt grown
Into an unbeatable team.
"Back mart empowered than atone,
I thinkyou know udiat I mean.
A short mtssagt to la you.
"Know howmuchyou mum to me.
thanks for being there through
Qood times and bad. 1 would not
1ready love you. I've hada crush on you for the Congest time,
your Stent Admirer.
Have made it without your
Wonderful smile and comforting words.
Happy Valentine's 'Day
O^pw this time once ayear
'With Love,
Is set aside to reflect,
Honey Rabbit.
On the one who is dear.
To the one I respect.
to this task.1 have written
this short sappy poem,
Hut alas it is fitting;
Its from my heart and my home.
Happy Valentine's 'Day. I'llloveyou forever.
9{pw my home is a suite
As inviting as can be,
the river flows through the forest glade,
•But yet incomplete
Slowly winding into the bamboo reeds.
As there exists for you a space, avacancy.
I listen to the quiet gurgle fade
SL I travel into the sleep world to su where it leads.
In good time we will sign
(Perhaps to you, my quiet darling,
two on the dotted line,
Life's elegant silent lady,
'But to infinite time
Cheers to you my Amanda, perhaps wt'ltgo to 'Beijing.
you will be my one, and only, Valentine.
Love your <D.D.C
to everybody I didn't write Christmas cards to:
Merry XMas. Hah? It's Valentine's <Day? Well, Happy
Valentine's Day to everyone in 1XBC, especially Lucia, Alicia,
you're my tender heart, so "Wiggle It.....Just a (it tie bit?
Sandra, well, you know everyone.
Kj>ses are red
you will always be the only one in my kfe. Iloveyou.
Violets are blue.
I hate this rhyme
'But 1 love you.
Love, 'Dean.
Here's hoping that the planks on which we are drifting in the
tide do not move too far apart. I amyour friend always.
432 Cfi&ice ^/a&ntine
II is impossible io teffym fam> much. IJomycs. I thm^tfuttitgrom mdery
day mdlkpozc? fefe utit&outu Jwtoiddnt be complete,
fWimet «f Dinner tar *w» #t Qagfttf^
If I am not to believe that my dog reasons,
loves and hates, how am I to be sure that
my neighbor does?
Thomas Huxley
I have loved a ghost, and in loving a ghost
my innermost self has itself become
Bertrand Russell
To love is to place our happiness in the
happiness of another.
What you need to know is that it was not a
mere love affair, not a love affair at all, but
If the loved thing is vile, the lover becomes
da Vinci
What is love? A nuisance to everybody but
the parties concerned. A private affair
which everyone but those concerned wishes
to make public.
We are all slaves at least of our affections,
slaves of the prejudices of those we love.
Pierre Curie
What is the pest and plague of human life?
And what the curse that often brings a wife?
J. Robert Oppenheimer    tis Love,
'Words cannot express the. love I feel for you..
(Be wine
Love has opened to me a view of the
sanctity of human nature.
T. Huxley
The two great motives which regulate the
proceedings of the brute creation are love
and hunger.
Gilbert White
Falling in love is not at all the most stupid
thing that people do.
Albert Einstein
To my yfan^o-Vtama,
I Cove you. Oiardtimes have been many, Qoodtimes
havibtmfe.iv (lately) -'BtfT-
I hope we'll be together forever
from the Tudding-Tie-In-(your-fEye-Scoogy-(Woogy
914 days of laughter, happiness, tears, kisses and love.
I never thought that one person could change my lift, or me, in
such a great way. thanks for putting up with the bad times and
all my faults, and for continuing to care about and support me.
Just think. "Bahamas" andremtmbtr that I 'Ualways love you.
2S. you make meSWEAtll
I love your firm buns
your hard thighs aren't bad either
'Babe I'm hotforyou.
to all the eligible heterosexual Italian men on campus,
I cookjxnddo windows.
Antonia "Rpamo
Les roses sont rouges
Les violets sont ileus
Many may be hugged
'But the chosen is you
I'm at La University
'Doing La homework.
trying to solve Lagrangian
'But I can't findLa answer
7dy thoughts are in La clouds
thinking about L 'amour
Happy Valentine's Day
thanks for turning my worst period into my best ever. "Was it
good for you too?
to all the students at IFBGlik* myself, who wouldUkf to have
a sweetheart to send a message to but don't,
HXB¥fVAL'E*tpT& 'S DXf.
One of the faceless
'The 432 apologizes for irregularities
in the type and font of the layout. It
seems that the computer is going
through mid-life crisis and has decided to tak& it out on us.
Certain submissions may have been
omitted, at the discretion of the editor. 'Those not appearing here zuere
either too long, submitted too late, or
the person submitted too many messages.
Jlappy Valentines 'Day
How many homeless people does it take to HowmanyCanadiansdoesittaketochange
change a light bulb? a light bulb?
i, for an imaginary light bulb in an imagi- ItdependsonhowmanyAmericansittakes.
nary house.
How many Chemists does it take to change
How many hookers does it take to change a a hght bulb?
light bulb? Light bulb? Hah! Just give me some phos-
One, but it'll cost you extra. phorous, magnesium, and trinitro-toluene.
I'll show you a light source.
How many Engineersdoesit take to change How many accountants does it take to
a light bulb? change a light bulb?
2: One to do it and one to somehow manage We don't know - we lost count when we
to upset yet another minority group. fell asleep watching them.
How many Generals does it take to change How many alchemists does it take to
a light bulb? change a light bulb?
That's the job of the infantry. That depends on what you Wanted it
changed into. W^^^^^^^^^^^M^M
As you doubtlessly remember, Dik Miller
was lying on the floor of the Science Undergrad Society office (Chem 160, phone 228-
4235). He had just beenpunched out by Aaron
Drake, SUS Director of Publications. Just
before he passed out, a person ran in announcing the winners of the Board of Governors campaign, in which many people mistakenly believed he was running,
The ride was bumpy. Up, down, left, right,
under, over. I didn't know where I was going,
or why.
"Wake up, you twit!" someone shouted.
"Mmmprgh," I replied.
"I said wake up!"
I was slapped on the cheek. I snapped my
eyes open and immediately applied the Dik
Miller™ arm lock to my attacker. I had been
being (Jeez, what tense is that - past active
pluperfect or something?) carried by two
people down a hallway. Now one of them was
lying on the floor, writhing in pain.
"Jeez, Miller! Let me go!" It was Drake
"Serves you right for punching me out," I
said levelly. I let go of his arm,
"Next time you ask me to carry some jerk
down the hall, Ari, I'm saying no."
A tall, moustachioed man in a Science
cardigan looked offended. "Hey, watch it,
I stood up and brushed myself off. Just then,
I noticed that I was wearing a suit.
"What's this getup?" I asked.
"It's your suit," said the tall man.
"And who ari: you?"
"I'm Ari Giligson, Radical Beer Faction
loser in the AMS presidential race."
"You mean 'non-winner,' don't you?" I
"Yeah, whatever," Giligson said. "That suit
is for the Board meeting we're taking you to.
Butnow thatyou can walk, you can go on your
"Board meeting?" I asked. "What?"
"Board of Governors. You were elected."
I rolled my eyes skyward. "How many
times do I have to tell you? I'M NOT RUNNING!"
"Everyone's convinced that you were, so
you're in."
"So I'm going there now? How long was I
Drake looked smug. "Two days."
"Two daysir I cried. "What the hell did
you do to me?"
"Don't know my own strength, I guess,"
Drake said, making a fist and blowing on it.
"Anyway, here s your package." He lobbed a
two-inch-thick sheaf of paper at me. It hit me
in the chest and knocked me to the ground.
"I'm going to have to clean this suit pretty
soon," I said. "Alright, where's the meeting?"
"Up the stain; and down the hall," Giligson
said. "Seeyoulater."HeandDrakeleft through
a side door. I looked around and surmised that
I was in the Old Administration Building. I
vaulted up the stairs, looking at my watch. 10
&.m.Iwonderwhenthisthing starts?l thought.
I opened the door instructed and walked in.
Sing sends some
simple suggestions
by Chris Sing
Often people ask to borrow notes of
other people, and the resounding number of
approaches that people have is very imaginative. On several occasions, I have had to
borrow notes, often with very good results. I
shall now share with you some of a second
year science students wisdom on how to go
about this process.
In borrowing a stranger's notes first
you should select a good seat at the front of the
lecture that you wish to borrow a stranger's
notes from. This is where all of the super-
dooper neat people sit that have really nice
After sitting down, you should introduce yourself to the people around you by
announcing your name, (or a pseudonym if
you choose) to each person around you, smiling as you do this and then try to start up a
forum amongst them.
During the class, you should examine
the people's writing styles around you by
selectively dropping youirpen. Firstyou should
drop it on your left hand side and then as
picking up your pen, you should rate the
persons notes on the left for legibility. Similarly, this should be done on the right hand
side also.
Ah. Yes, so you ask, "What about the
people that are sitting behind you?" Well, the
idea for that is to glance upwards towards the
back of the lecture hall every now and then,
and mumble some words such as "My friends
Edward and Duncan were suppose to crash
this lecture, but they're not here yet." Mumble this in an audible tone to those around you
so that they too will start glancing towards the
back of the lecture hall too. While the people
behind you ghince behind the back of the
lecture hall, tales a moment to savour the idea
of copying the notes of the person behind you.
During the lecture, you should make
pert comments about how messy the writing
ofwho'snote's you wanttoborrow are. This
should be done as so to disillusion anyone else
who might be trying to borrow that persons
notes also.
After the lecture, comes the crucial
part of the task. You should fumble around in
your bag and ask the person if they've seen
your notebook lying around. After this you
should start shaking the person up, and
screaming, "All, you stole my notes."(This
brings out the natural sorry forgiving element
in a person.) At this point, you will have
totally relaxed the person into lending you
their notes, and they should be willing to lend
you their notes not only for that subject, but
for every other subject also.
For any other additional tips on how
to survive throu ght school, you can talk to any
university veteran professor, who will be
willing to spend time discussing useful tips
with you.
Chris S ing exist? only to be elections commissioner. He has ii sister, you know. Yeah, but
for the longest time, she's been Miss Sing.
Bahahahahahahahahaha! Hohohohohohoho!
There was a large group of people sitting
around a table. They all looked at me. One in
particular looked at me. I looked back. It was
like looking in a mirror.
"Derek Miller, right?" I asked, pointing at
"Dik Miller, right?" he asked, pointing at
"Yeah," we both said. Then I took a running
leap across the table and started beating him
up. I needed my revenge. What this would
accomplish, I didn't know.
WhenI regained consciousness, I was lying
in a hospital bed.
"You really screwed it up this time, Miller,"
said my boss, who was standing over the bed.
"Thanks, boss. What happened?"
"You attacked a member of the Board of
Governors, he beat the hell out of you, and
now you have three cracked ribs. By the way,
you're fired."
"Thanks, boss. Screw you too."
She left.
I sighed.
"Now what?" I asked myself. "No Dik
Miller, Private Eye. No Dik Miller, Physical
Plant. No Dik Miller, Campus Cowboy. No
Dik Miller, Food Services. Not even Dik
Miller, Board of Governors. And now I've
made an enemy of my alter-ego and I run the
risk of being injured everywhere I go."
I thought for a moment. Then a wry smile
made its way across my face.
"Yeah," I said. "Dik Miller, Eastern European Explorer."
A new adventure was bom.
Hmmmm. Apparently, the Dikster is
running low on ideas. Derek Miller is a
former editor of The 432 and is now
serving on BoG.
A section for those who
have store their testosterone on a floppy.
by Kaz Kylheku and MattTipping
An English professor at the University of
Delaware has completed a five-year study
which looked at papers written on IBM
compatibles and papers written on Macintosh
computers. Dr. Marcia People Halio chose
students enrolled in a creative writing course
asz her subjects. She found some astounding
relationships between their writing skills and
their choice of machine. Here are some highlights:
The average paper that had been produced
on an IBM clone ranked 12.1 on the readability
scale. Thatranks as college level. The average
Mac paper, on the other hand, got a score of
less than 8, which is below the level of grade
eight. IBM papers had four spelling errors, on
average, while the Mac papers had eighteen.
IBM users were more likely to tackle serious
and difficult subjects, like war, the environment and teen pregnancy. The Mac users
more often preferred to rite about more banal
subjects, such as fast food and popular music.
That's the way It wag, Monday
February i\fm
Special thanks to JasDrt Olson for nispasteup
efforts. The^oed: job on the last issue had
aothifsg to do wi&jne, Js&ottdidalsws* a8
the work tax pasting it «p> Kudos, fctfdbs,
Th*4M comes out a lot, and we try and get
it o«tfer Wednesday*, but latftfy weYvebees.
i smoking bananas. We eould nse your help;.
Tke432\ has pojreed for serious opinion, or
social eor»me»t< Yott want that, go «> toe
I bathroom w&Bs, Wo need Jioaiot, HUr&ot,
I hamor. So come o» down.
The 432
cfo Dea» of Science
627t) University Blvd.
University of British Columbia
Vancouver BC
Telephone: 228-4235
SMor: Aaron Brake
Writers and Contributory Aaron Drake,
Elaine Wong, Caifisea. Hanert,. David New,
Alan Douglas, Yoianda Leung, Patrick Redding, Leona Adams, Kelly Gtiggisijerg,
Artists: Patrick Redding, Aaron Drake
Utyowtand PusteyjK Aaron Drake, Caireea.
Haaerv Jasoa Olson
Copyright 1^91. All rights reserved. AS
wks are coj^yaghted ia £he name of tfee.
author. If fto&ame is affixed to the work, it
is copyrighted in the name of Aaron Drake.
Circulation: 4990, my mom, sad sa old
friend in Trail BC, Hi Seest.
Printed by College Printers
Any similarities, m part or in whole, to
p^sonsHv^«^e^oroasa3!«sefisftotoU I
^etm^,ON?«RPO$E.Beai'«?Hiik.Look \
up the laws or defamation, bucko. We're
AS lig&tfc^ Jokes, at £his issue ate &om Ed
Hewlett, Sakara Iwagaroi, Nancy Lee, i
Richard" Stephenson,, and Michael Chow, j
notice taatyoartsstfi% tight baib Jokes had
elreidy been, printed before in. previews 1s-
saes of The 4&1 <3et a «3ue.
Special thanks to atlthose who voted with
me on the motion Js couadL Thanks
people, I"m glad you. saw It my way, I
appreciate fo To those who voted in fa *©r
«f the HtotloiB PHLBBBBBBBTim Well,
actually, ftft herd feelings* I'm Just gtad
that it caste Hut is the open after ait this,
N<w I can get oh with ifc
S|>eciaF tnaafcs to keona Adams tor her coetlft-
ued subirfsstotts, even though a te*<rf Jt doesn't
get used, S«p Hiem coming Lew*, 1 realty
appreciate it. $peclj»i tnaoks tooreryoftfewhtt
ftad a regular «o|amn for not letting, stte (town
even <M<M, aad tor continuously providing *
Mgh level el quality In their artlctes. This
consistency gives to the paper professionalism
and eredftftlty. You've made this paper the
best on any eamntts la Canada. Thank yen.
More your honour than aiine.
$atrf Cathy, ican't tfeanfcyotf. Let'stry and
toe a little more punctual, okayt
How many Roi nanians does it take to change
a light bulb?
It takes two: one to unscrew the bulb and
proclaim a democratic republic, and the other
to screw the sj.me bulb right back in.
How many women with PMS does it take to
change a light bulb?
It takes one, and no one is dumb enough to
contradict them.
How many inventors does it take to change
a light bulb?
' Two: one to change it and one build a better
How many librarians does it take to change
a light bulb?
Two: one to do it and one to go "SHHHH!"
How many losers does it take a light bulb?
I don'tkno w. How many VancouverCanucks
does it take to change a light bulb?
How many stock brokers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the bulb and one to wait for
the economy togo spiralling.
The 432
February 13,1991 Comment^iri
by Ari Giligson
A Day in the Life of a Microbiology
4491448 Student
2:00am: Go to sleep.
3:00am: Wake up. Curse next door
neighbor for playing stereo so loud on a
Thursday night
3:30am: Go to sleep.
6:50am: Get up, search for socks in the
dark, eat breakfast, etc.
7:30am: Wake up.
7:40am: Rush to Bus Stop.
7:50-8:10am: Watch 7 busses pass by as
they splash water on you.
8:10am: Catch bus. Spend trip wedged up
against the windshield.
8:20am: Run to Lab. Set up an experiment
that won't need any monitoring until
8:30am: Run to class
8:32am: Run back to Lab realizing that is
where you left your clipboard. Run back to
9:25am: Class dismissed, wake up.
9:30am: Arrive back at lab and realize that
the flask for this morning's experiment is
still sitting on your bench. Set up experiment again.
9:50am: Look at data gathered last night.
Realize that an essential ingredient was left
out. Scream very loudly.
10:00am: Explain to first aid attendant who
came to check out the source of the scream
that it was only due to mental and not
physical injury.
10:20am: Go to lab course.
10:32am: Run to Lab realizing that is
where you left your clipboard. Run back to
10:50am: Left sleeve of lab coat catches
fire. Lab partner puts it out.
10:51am: T.A. wants to know if anyone is
on fire. Pretend not to notice. Spend entire
class hiding left sleeve.
12:30pm: Leave some agar media to be
autoclaved so that it can be poured into
plates at 1:30pm.
12:31pm: Run into fellow 448 student.
Decide to go for lunch together.
12:40pm: Order a pint of beer.
12:50pm: Order lunch.
1:10pm: Order a pint of beer.
2:00pm: Stumble back to the Lab careful
not to get run over by a Physical Plant panel
2:10pm: Run into some fellow Microbi
students. Chat for a while.
3:00pm: Beer wears off. Remember the
agar media.
3:05pm: Find agar has now solidified in the
3:10pm: Remember about experiment
which had to be monitored at 2:30
3:15pm: Throw away cells from experiment since they are no longer of any use.
3:30pm: Go to Woodward Library to look
up a journal reference.
3:50pm: Find that Library has every single
issue of the journal of interest except the
one you need for your reference.
4:30pm: Go to seminar class.
5:00pm: First seminar over. Wake up. Prof
inquires as to whether you have a question
about the seminar. Look at list of concluding remarks and construct a question about
one of them.
5:01pm: Get laughed at after asking a
question on Yeast cells when in fact the
seminar was about "B" cells.
5:30pm: Go back to Lab to set up an
experiment involving 60 samples to run this
6:00pm: Three other fellow 448 students
show up a door to ask if you want to go for
a brief dinner in the village.
9:00pm: Back from dinner. Everybody
congregates in the hall to gossip.
9:10-10:00pm: Activities consist of
imitating well known profs and drawing
irreverent graphs on various lab chalkboards.
10:00pm: Decide that after all 30 samples
will suffice instead of 60
10:30pm: Build a tall freestanding structure
out of various pieces of lab equipment.
10:50pm: Decide that, in fact IS samples
should suffice.
11:00pm: Other 448 students come over to
admire freestanding structure.
11:20pm: Everyone else is going home.
You are offered a ride.
11:21pm: Decide that, in fact this experiment would best be done tomorrow.
12:10am: Help your ride push his car out of
the exit gate at B-lot, where it stalled out.
1:00am: Finally Home. Have a snack, brush
your teeth, put away today's notes.
1:30am: Go to step (Hmm...an early night
Any resemblance to persons living or dead
is purely co-incidental.
Ari Giligson spends his time trying to culture
Agar that will laugh at his stupid jokes. Fat
J3. firo/ten Valentine,
Any upper-
level student at
UBC will tell
you that mid-
February is the
the academic
year. Once tuition fees have
been     paid,
class registrations have been finalized, and
textbooks can no longer be returned, all sense
of order tends to dissipate from campus for a
while. For the most part, chaos arises because
students are suddenly faced with a barrage of
reading assignments, lab writeups and midterm examinations (Usually, students deal
with such inconveniences by pretending the
homework doesn't exist and they find much
more valuable things to do with their time
such as making sculptures out of the lint that
they have pulled from their belly button).
These tiresome inconveniences can be daunting to some, but influence me little in the full
scheme of things.
Personally, my greatest beef about this time
of the year is that more amd more young
couples seem to show signs of affection in my
presence. Now I am not the world's biggest
prude and I have nothing against people actually being in love. However, I would prefer it
if they kept their amorous gesticulations within
the confines of their own cars. I find that I
cannot enjoy my lunch at the library when the
couplejbeside me are trying to clean out the
other's lungs with their tongues.
Valentine's Day has always brought out the
worst in me because it forces me to realize the
rotten luck I have had with members of the
opposite sex. S ince coming to UBC, I 've been
missing a boyfriend and I haven't even had
any one-night stands. What I have had is two
dozen crushes and I have fallen in lust several
times while walking through SUB, but for the
most part I have remained a loner.
Friday February 15
BIOL 2449
Groucho Marx once said, "I would not want
to be a part of a club that would have someone
likeme as amember."In my case it seems that
I would not want to go out with a guy who
would want to be seen with someone like me
(you know, this would explain why in my
senior years I have written more supplemental
exams than I have gone on official dates). If I
think a guy is just not my type, in the romance
department (ie he's married, has a girlfriend,
is completely uninterested or is gay), I'm
completely at ease and can behave in a somewhat normal manner. But whenever I have to
deal with someone I'm actually attracted to, I
either clam up, become obnoxious, or behave
in such a trollopy manner that it would give
my Roman Catholic mother conniptions, and
she would promptly usher me into a dark room
where she would keep me for six years wearing sack-cloth and eating porridge.
Ignoring the fact that I find Sylvester Stallone incredibly attractive, and that I find all
blond men look like young anemic children, I
am probably the most normal heterosexual
female on campus. I have an incredible amount
of love and respect for members of the opposite sex, but unfortunately I am unable to
display it in a loving and respectable manner.
So, this Valentine's Day I foresee being as
grumpy and sullen as I've always been over
the last five years. You can find me sulking in
my study carrell at Physsoc, and if you say hi,
I'll pelt you with jelly beans.
Oh, some friends, who's company I always
enjoy will come around and try and lift my
spirits. However, such social bonding pales in
comparison to having one true love and I'll
eventually have to say adieu in a jovial and
happy manner but nevertheless....alone.
Antonia Roazario is entering into the Wonderful World of the Arts Degree. I'd feel
depressed, too.
On writing for The 432
by Leon a Adams
"Oh by the way, you're in the Credits."
"You're in the Credits, for your Dan Quayle Questions."
When my friend told me this, I was overjoyed (Oh shut up. University in general excites me.
I'm a frosh.). So, once I saw the latest paper out on Friday (why it was put out on Friday is
beyond the stretch of my own imagination), I picked it up and ravenously flipped through it.
My first time through, I didn't even see the Questions For Dan Quayle. The second time, I
found them and skimmed over them, wondering which one of my Stupid Questions The Editor,
in his almost infinite wisdom, had chosen. Hmmmm, I thought to myself, none of these look
familiar. I wonder why that is. I read them closer. None of these questions were mine. Hmmm.
I went on to the Credits. Hmmmm. My name was there, in Gray and White. Something strange
was afoot. Either:
a) the combination of stress and too many cough drops was making me hallucinate,
b) my friend decided that I probably would find the "copublishing" of my questions
too great to bear, so he put one of his on my submission,
c) The 432 people were trying to screw with my mind.
Submit to The 432. The 432
needs writers, artists, cartoonists, massage therapists.
How many Armchair athletes does it
take to change a light bulb?
Four: one to do It and one to criticize
his delivery, and tow to say they could
have done it better in their college days.
How many hookers does It take to
change a light bulb?
Two: one to do It and one to say how
big it is.
How many Communists does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, but it'll take him five years to do it.
How many British Soccer Fans does it
take to change a light bulb?
20: One to change it and 19 to panic and
trample him.
The 432
February 13,1991


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