UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 10, 1998

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 Fishing! Rectal Exams! Full Contact Square Dancing! Fun for the Whole Executive!
"Woohoo!" -AMS General Manager Bernie Peets
Earie Wanren
Animal Rights Correspondent
Scandal has once again rocked the hallowed halls of the
Student Union Building at UBC. Victory was short for
the newly elected members of the AMS executive, as
four out of the five elected members resigned in disgrace. The elected members were all part of the controversial, yet popular Radical Beer Faction, and all were
elected to office by comfortable margins. The AMS has
appointed a makeshift executive, and by-elections are
scheduled for early next week.
The four executive convicted include John Hallett
(President), Jake Gray (Vice President) and Jeremy
Thorp (Director of Administration.) The fourth candidate has not been identified, but it has been assumed
that the he is Johan Thornton, the former AMS Director
of External affairs. All four candidates have expressed
their innocence, even in the face of overwhelming and
clearly incriminating evidence.
432 reporters broke this story early Monday morning,
after RCMP made 27 arrests in connection with a cock-
fighting ring discovered in the outskirts of Surrey.
Among those arrested were several AMS employees,
who initially denied all connection with the RBF. After
five hours of questioning, however, those involved
"squealed like stuck pigs in turpentine".
Mounties arrived yesterday at the SUB, with warrants to
arrest the four executive, as well as eight unnamed AMS
employees. Three of the arrested RBF members were
apprehended without protest; Jake Gray faces additional charges of assault, insulting an officer, and indecent
exposure. All four were released this morning on bail.
Reaction within the AMS has been mixed. AMS General
Manager Bernie Peets was ecstatic to hear that Thorp,
Hallett, Gray, and Thornton had been impeached.
"This is a real relief for me," said Peets, "I feel like a
tremendous load has been lifted from my chest. Thank
God. Thank God."
Some AMS councillors, on the other hand, seemed disappointed that their executive had been given the
"I'm disappointed," said former Director of Finance
and newly appointed Interem President Vivian
Hoffman. "Clearly, the Radical Beer Faction had the
support of the electorate. And besides that, they were
pretty nice guys. Drunk, but nice."
Hoffman is the head of the temporary executive, who
were appointed on the basis of academic merit. The rest
of the executive were appointed as follows: Neena
Sonik (VP), Ryan Marshall (Coordinator of External
Affairs), Scott Morishita (Director of Administration)
and Sandra Matsuyama (Finance).
Meanwhile, animal rights groups have been quick to
state their disgust at the actions of the impeached executive.
"This is unbelievable," said Martha Davidson, of the
Animal Freedom Front. "These men were profiting
from the suffering of innocent chickens. They were
treating them like animals!"
Cockfighting, a sport which is still immensely popular
in some asian countries, has been banned in British
Columbia for the last thirty years. In the last decade,
the RCMP have arrested only four people in connection
with cockfighting; the arrests this week have more than
quadrupled the previous arrests.
Mark Cedarman, attorney for the arrested Radical Beer
faction members, was confident that the case against
the four men would not hold up in court.
"This is utterly ridiculous. My clients sent some friends
out to Surrey to find some poultry, for a barbeque that
they had planned. Let me assure you that all of my
clients were absolutely shocked and disgusted to discover what was actually going on in that warehouse.
They are all very moral individuals, and it has hurt
them all deeply to be associated with such a horrible
Only one of the accused was available for interview.
John Hallett, former AMS President, and leader of the
Radical Beer Faction, seemed confused by the allegations.
"Cockfighting? What kind of pervert do you think I
am? Oh... wait, that's that thing with the chickens, isn't
it?!? Now that's entertainment. I was down in Mexico
one time, and this two year old Russian Red was clobbering on a young Yellow Breast. Of course, I bet all of
my money on the Rusky... Boy, was I wrong! That
Yellow perked up in the last minute and just went to
town on that poor bastard! I mean... cockfighting?
RBF Launches
Earie Wan-en
RBF Lawyer Craig Bavis
Fradulant Correspondent
In a press conference yesterday,
Radical Beer Faction lawyer Craig
Bavis announced the party's plans to
seek damages from the Alma Mater
Society of UBC, citing charges of harassment, assault, and illegal distribution of
nude photographs depicting the candidates in compromising positions.
Newly appointed President Vivian
Hoffmann assured reporters that the
matter would be given the proper attention.
"This matter is a sensitive one, and the
charges are serious. This isn't the first
time we've had problems with this kind
of thing. Remember Janice Boyle? "
AMS Policy analyst MAry Clarke said
that she was "very confident" that the
matter would be resolved.
"All of the offices are on closed circuit
camera. All of the executive were
informed of this. I really don't see how
they can possibly claim to be innocent.
Ignorant, maybe, but definitely guilty. "
"I'm ignorant," Ex-President John
Hallett told reporters, "and that's a completely viable excuse in this modern
world. Look at President Clinton, for
God's sake."
The associated assault and harassment
charged apparently stem from an incident between the RBF members and the
staff of the Pit Pub, the RCMP, two SWAT
teams, and n innocent bystander.
Although there is no direct evidence that
officials used excessive force, two of the
complainants are claiming soft tissue
The AMS is expected to seek an out of
court settlement. PAGE TWO
10 FEBRUARY 1998
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I Don't Wear Anything
Under my Kilt.
It's all on account of the stinging.
What do you state as your profession
on your tax forms if your a panhandler? Or what if you are a king pin in the
local cock fight ring? Boy there's an odd
image, a cock fight ring. What kind of
images does that cause to jump into the
fore brain. One a bunch of sweaty
mediterranean types standing around
betting on chickens plucking each
other's eyes out. Either that or some sort
of unconvincing transvestite brandishing strange medieval bondage devices in
the new Gay Erotica film "Bowel Busters
The point is, even at cock fights, there is
a certain amount of expected behaviour,
manners if you will. Even if you are
expected to yell, belch, fart, spit, scratch,
fart, pick your nose, fart, and do anything bodily you want, you may NOT,
under any circumstances, for any reason,
touch the chickens. Its also not a good
idea to show up with a roll a duct tape, a
plantain banana, a roll of color film and
a tub of petroleum jelly, but that's not
usually a problem.
Its too bad there aren't mandatory class
es in grade school to teach the greasy
people a little tact. Back in the Victorian
Era, while things were a little extreme, at
least you didn't have to worry about
whether the guy next to you in the elevator washed his hands before coming
out of the can. There's nothing worse
than standing at the urinal doing your
business when the guy next to you finishes, gives a shake, zips up and walks
out without a rinse. Some people try to
argue that you don't need to wash
because you don't piss on your hands.
I'm sorry guys, but it is simply a courtesy
issue. I don't piss on my hands, I have a
clean penis, yet I never leave the bathroom without at least a rinse.
And what about those fucking bastard
evil smokers, no that smoking is evil, no
not smoking, who leave there butts all
over the front door of the buildings
they're not allowed to smoke in. Jesus H
Christ, can't you hit a garbage can?
What's the deal with yellow lights? This
is not a hard concept. Yellow does not
mean gun it so you can get through. It
means slow down you numb nuts so you
don't run the red light.
And bus lines. What happened to the
person who get there first gets on the
bus first? Now it's just a big mob of people jockeying for position like waifs in a
food line in some 1984-esque scene of
self degradation and greed. Must have
seat, Must have seat.
Not that I'm any better than the rest of
you self serving plebes of the man. I get
in there with my elbows flying, hips
checking, eyes burning. I don't want to
stand. I'm getting the seat come hell,
high water or some large guy named
Moe wearing a tutu and a large feather
Which brings me to movies, where I'm
happy to say great strides are being made
to teach the layman a little about the etiquette of the theatre. The new trailers do
make it very plain that cell phones have
no place anywhere near Silvercity. While
people laugh, there still always seem to
be some freaks who insist on maintaining contact with everyone all the
time.The next time some little putz's
pocket ego goes bing behind me in the
theatre, he, or she is going to get a pre-
functory introduction to "Mr. Smashee."
Jake has the amazing habit of jumping
from one topic to another like a jackrabbit
on crystal meth.
To make matters worse, this year we've
allowed him to swear. Take my advice:
Never, ever, tell a Scotsman to 'swear as
much as (he'd) like'
<shiver> -ed
Wanted: Suckers.
Must Provide Own Glue.
It's only after being awake for more
than 24 hours that the secrets of life
really start to become apparent.
Mind you, some of these things may
seem pretty obvious, to those of you
who are not sleep-deprived, starving,
and wired on caffeine.
'Don't sniff glue.'
Seems pretty straight forward, doesn't
it. You'd think. However, in a poorly
ventilated room, you often don't have
much choice. I really don't understand
why anyone would actually inhale this
stuff for the purposes of pleasure; the
sensation involved is one that I can only
compare to strangulation. Mind you,
some folk are into that, as well.
'Trust no one.'
Before Chris Carter got his hands on it,
this was the official catch phrase for the
Riverview Mental Hospital; it works pretty well for me as well. It's amazing how
quickly people disappear when the pizza
and beer runs out, particularly when it's
closing in on midnight.
I'm not one to name names (Jay Garcia),
but it also tends to be disappointing
when your regular columnists Qay
Garcia) are unable to give you the same
article that they've been writing every
two weeks for the last three years.
"I forgot."
Forgot? I suppose that's my fault. I don't
really know how, but it probably is.
Apologies, then to readers who looking
for an article by their favourite
Phillipino Chicken Farmer; apparently
the Bird Flu causes memory loss, along
with explosive diarrhea and severe
abdominal cramping (dare to dream).
In case you haven't noticed the massive,
eye-catching ad embedded in the right
hand corner of this editorial, Science
Elections are coming up soon. Since
most of you are too lazy to get involved,
you most likely won't be candidates.
Mind you, if you do want to be a part of
something that's bigger than yourself
(and isn't your Uncle Ted), this may be
just the opportunity you've been look
ing for. The nomination form is conveniently located on the back page. Find
some suckers, fill out the form, and
bring it in. We can always use fresh
As always, submissions are welcome
from all students. Not all submissions
received can be published in any given
issue, so don't be discouraged if you
don't see your story right away. And
remember, nothing greases the wheels of
bureaucracy bettex-than a nice fat bribe.
lination form on the back of this
bring it into Chem B160.
It'll be a whole new you! 10 FEBRUARY 1998
Frenchy Maftei
Cheese-eating Frog
The result of the referendum to
renew the lease on the Thunderbird
Shop was announced last night by
AMS Elections Commissioner
Kaaren Vliig and to nobody's surprise the referendum did not reach
quorum. "Since only 2583 students
voted, the required 10% to reach
quorum was not met. Therefore, the
referendum has failed." This is seen
as a victory for the AMS, which has
actively campaigned for ending the
lease on the T-bird shop.
The shop's general manager, Bob,
was quick to react. "If we can't have
it, then the AMS can't have it!" In a
press conference following the
announcement of the results, Bob
proclaimed that the T-bird was initiating a 'scorched earth' policy.
"We're going to burn this place to
the ground, then we're going to sow
the ground with salt so that nothing
can ever grow. Then we're going to
sacrifice a small rodent in the AMS
president's office. And then we'll
await instructions from this large
steak-knife I'm holding over my
head." The voice within the knife
refused to comment on future plans.
On hearing the news, outgoing
AMS president Ryan Davies said: "It's
not my office anymore. To stay in
the office would have required me
to take a stand on this issue, and I
am not prepared to do that."
President-elect Vivian Hoffman
responded swiftly and angrily: "That
steak-knife obviously has no knowledge of what the issues are. Right
now, I'm in the process of organizing a protest march at the Moulinex
factory. We must fight against the
agenda which the cooking utensil
corporations are shoving at us! As
for the sacrifice of the rodent, that's
the Director of Administration's
job." Scott Morishita said that a fee
increase was being considered in
order to pay for the cleaning equipment.
As for the student population, few
had any knowledge of these events.
"I just saw a guy standing at 10th
and Blanca who was waving at me,"
said 3rd year political science student James Winters, "but I thought
he was selling Christmas trees. You
see, I did that over Christmas break,
and I feel for him. Especially when
the trees start asking you things like
'Drink cider' and stuff like that. It's
hard to keep the morale."
The flurry of activity raised by general manager Bob's remarks seem to
have limited itself to a 2-meter
radius around the front of the T-bird
shop. Just before press time, Bob was
seen placing C4 explosives in the 'I
Love You' section of the greeting
cards while perpetual protester
James Pond was pitching tent in the
middle of SUB concourse.
Mandy Seymour
The Fourth Wiseman.
I have come to the conclusion that Valentines Day is evil. It's
a holiday meant to bring misery, and a really painful hangover, to the single and needy types in the world who drink
themselves into a coma on February 14th. This is a holiday
meant to make lovers feel obligated to go out and purchase
cheesy cards and high-calorie sweets in order to express their
true feelings, and in order to burn a big hole in your wallet. It's
about as sincere as the Spice Girl's "girl power". If you're trying to get across that your significant other makes you want to
hurl, the sentiment is right. Personally, I take this as a sure sign
that my significant other truly, doesn't know or understand
me, as I actually am not one of the sappy yuppies who would
enjoy this over-commercialism.
So where did this hapless holiday come from anyways? In the
third century A.D., a Roman named Valentine was fed to hungry lions in a coliseum, thus dying for the Christian cause. He
became known as a martyr and was proclaimed the patron
saint of lovers. Thus the real question is: if we fed more
Christi.ans to lions would we get more holidays? Would these
holidays involve getting actually days off school, unlike the
useless Valentines Day holiday? If the answers are "yes" and
"yes" then expect the Christian populations to feel a significant dent in their numbers. All you have to do is bomb
Abbotsford and I'll never have to go to another calculus class
again-please, I'm begging you.
Think of Easter, for example. You get a Monday off school for
Easter holidays (which is good -all Mondays school be avoided). Why you ask? Well, of course the Romans nailed some guy
named Jesus to a cross. You can give the credit to Judas Iscariot
for being a selfish bastard after cash. So what's the big deal
about this Jesus guy? It seems that the majority of Christi.ans
believe that he is their savior, and the foretold messiah.
According to the Bible, Jesus died for the forgiveness of our
sins and was raised again. But more importantly, his death
causes us to get time off school to sit around and get really
really drunk and eat lots and lots of unhealthy chocolate filled
goodies. Thanks bud.
If you think about it, this Jesus H. Christ guy also caused us to
have two weeks off at Christmas. Fortunately, we fill this time
by drinking egg nog, skiing, opening gifts, drinking more egg
nog,eating fruit cake, and starring forlornly at a big tree with
flickering psychedelic lights while we eat lots and lots of
Doritos and Corn Pops. Mmmmmm.
But the best holiday of all would have to be New Years. The
same thing happens every year on New Year's yet it never
grows old. You can't go wrong with that old fashioned formula for success: get really drunk and pass out and -shock- you
don't have work the next day. Or if you do you get paid
quadruple it's almost worth getting out of bed completely
hung-over. New Years is great because you just don't know
where you are gonna wake up the next morning and what may
have happened the night before. One y^ar you just might wake
up in a big vat of pudding, completely naked, with a big ugly
and quite possibly greasy guy named Fred. And the night
before you spontaneously got up, in a completely drunken
state, and did a big strip tease on top of the coffee table while
your friends stared at you in horror
So this reading week take notice that you are getting a free
week off school for absolutely no reason. There is no reason
why you should get a day off school when you haven't shot a
Christian. So during readings break count your blessings and
take it easy. And get really drunk for that guy named Jo, who
happened to stumble into the President's private residence sever^ years ago to suggest that students get a week off school in
mid February for the hell of it. Enjoy.
I saw Mandy on January 1st, this year. She was covered head to
toe in honey, strung up with velcro, naked from a rather large oak
Oh no, wait, that was the movie I watched last night. Sorry, -ed
Chemistry Forum '98
is C€^nuing!Tl
Thursday, March Sth
First Nations House of Learning
10:00(tiii to 2:OOpm (lunch included.)
Register at the Chem Club at Chem D222
Academia PAGE FOUR
10 FEBRUARY 1998
10 FEBRUARY 1998
A Very Special Valentine's
Pre-Med Hopeful
TH£ 5r£UALTK£f\W0r
?%6tA  VARiOVb  '
Dr. Temple
PractitionerofOlde Tyme Medicine
If you have ever seen the movie Strange Days,
you have been introduced to the theory that
every thing has been done; "every kind of fucking, every kind of music, every kind of hairstyle,
everything." This I believe is true. Take, for instance,
those stupid warning labels that everyone laughs at.
It's sad, but some guy, probably an American, has
used shampoo internally. Somebody's tried to use a
wood chipper after downing half a bottle of NyQuil.
And you can be sure that some 17 year old guy in
Alabama has deliberately concentrated and inhaled
the contents of a Glade Potpourri canister. It is
because of these people that we live in an idiot-proof
world, well near-idiot-proof at least. For those of us
with some semblance of common sense,
there is absolutely no need for these
warnings. In fact, most people, myself
included, find such trivial cautionary
messages insulting to their intelligence. I
am not mentally retarded in any way,
neither is the majority of the populace,
yet it is still necessary to tell people that
gasoline is flammable in two different
languages. However, some people just
don't get it. You might say that some
people are just so stupid
they have no clue whatsoever about the world
around them. You could
say that Mandee Seemore
is so dense that she
thinks that
"Every       man
dies, not every man really lives." is one of my best lines.
Read for yourself:
Dear Dr. Temple,
I was walking through the SUB the other day and I
bought some pop from these TrashGuys or something,
it was only $2 a bottle so I bought a few. Anyway, I was
walking around drinking my Strawberry Soda, and
decided to take a tour through the CiTR offices. I was
looking around at the sound booths, looking at all the
old newspapers they have as wallpaper, when I decided
to drop by my friend Sharyn Pharohtan's office. I
walked out this door and kind of laughed at one of
those fake posters that they have on all the walls. It was
one of those "Emergency Door Only" signs, it looked
pretty realistic. So, I was walking out and I noticed that
some clown had pulled another fire alarm, that really
pissed me off, because it's happened to me lots in rez. I
was leaving the building, heading for the bookstore,
and passed those RefuseDudes, so I bought another
soda and was drinking that one as I was walking. By the
time I had gotten to the bookstore, my stomach was
feeling kind of queasy so I decided to skip lunch and
just finish my soda. I walked over to the magazine section of the bookstore and was looking for this month's
Cosmo, when. I noticed that there is a porn section
right there in plain view. I mean, whoah, anybody
could just go up there and look at that stuff! It figures
that those books were right next to the computer magazines, because there's a lot of porn on the internet.
Anyway, I was going to go back to SUS right away and
tell everyone about all the porno I saw at the bookstore,
but I decided to head to the Cheeze instead. By now my
stomach was really bad, and as I was just approaching
the doors I had noticed evidence that some poor bastard had yakked right on the entrance to the Cheeze
the night before. This really was the last straw. I stum
bled into the Cheeze and told some guy in a red jacked
that I was a first year science student who lives in rez,
and that I was in SUB-when the fire alarm was pulled so
I went to the bookstore to find the new Cosmo, and I
saw some porno, and walked to the Cheeze from there,
and was really not feeling well, because somebody had
puked all over the entrance. The guy in the red jacked
brought me over to a couch, sat me.down, walked over
to the bar shaking his head, and just started drinking
one beer after another. A little while later this engineer,
I forget his name but he was easy to recognize because
he had lots of. pins on his jacket, walked up to me and
asked if I was feeling okay. I told him about how I was
in the SUB and all that, and then I asked him if they
found the guys who messed up their cairn. He said
something about tanking them, and that was pretty
cool, because if you go to the trouble of doing something to the cairn, the engineers will get you drunk for
free. After I talked to that guy for a while, I was feeling
better so I went home. But anyway, I was just wondering if you knew what made me sick.
Mandee Seemore
PS: Craig, be sure to change my name before you print
this letter, OK?
Where to begin? Well Mandee, I believe that your
upset stomach was due to the fire alarm that was set off
in the SUB. You see when there is a loud noise, such as
a fire bell ringing, the bacteria in your intestines,
magentobacteria to those of you in MicroBi, become
upset. In this highly excited state these bacteria begin
to secrete nausetonin. As we all know, nausetonin is the
enzyme responsible for nausea. What happens is all
this nausetonin was excreted into your intestines, and
what it does is attach itself to your comfort receptors
located on the intestinal wall. When your comfort
receptors are blocked, the effected area begins to swell,
and this causes the pain and discomfort associated with
nausea. Apparently, when the fire alarm went off your
magentobacteria became agitated and began releasing
nausetonin. What you can do next time to avoid this is,
when you hear a shrill noise, just bend down and begin
talking to your stomach in soft, soothing tones. This
will cause these bacteria to relax and secrete less nausetonin. Also, your Phenoparatropic nodes will begin to
produce calmalase, this serves to calm down the excited magentobacteria. Follow this easy advice and you'll
find that stomach illness will be a thing of the past.
For the rest of us, we can use Mandee as an illustration
of the necessity of insidiously obvious warnings. In
fact, we can all appreciate a little better what we have
taken advantage of. I
speak of all of the little
thing? in life. Tiny references to things that
we should all know,
yet escape some. Basic
humor. A general conception of what is
going on in the world
around us. Hopefully
with her example we
can empathize a little
more with the ignorant people of the
world. You might even
say that, just by reading this article, we are
all a little bit dumber.
of corporate
^^^V (Wurman?
Representatives of the Canadian Security
Intelligence Service (CSIS) and local legal experts
will present an overview of the physicalproteclion
of sensitive corporate and research information.
Learn how international spooks steal Canadian
know-how. Also local legal experts explain the
legal steps for maintdining trade secrets in the
corporate world.
Emotional Therapist
Well, its almost Valentine's Day
and everyone is expecting me to
write on what drives all of us to
do the most outrageous of things: Love.
Not that I don't like 'love'. It's just this
holiday, it's just a conspiracy from
Hallmark to take advantage of your fresh
new batch of hormones, released especially for the breeding season that your pineal
body still thinks is ahead.
Think about it guys, if you have that special someone, you are automatically entitled to spend $50-100 on your sweetie.
This is compulsory, any less and you'll
wind up in the hospital hysterical over the
loss of blood from that most tender of targets. This is the time of year when your
love is evaluated on how much you spend.
Hallmark is right there in your face with
thousands of pathetic, but sweet,
Valentine's Day gifts. (The unending
dichotomy: pathetic or sweet, sweet or
pathetic, you'll never know until its too
If you don't have that special someone,
you get even more depressed and hate all
those pricks that do, running home^with a
bouquet of flowers to go get some sweet
loving. You get so depressed, you decide to
remedy this by either asking someone put,
or by getting a gun and shooting yourself
or somebody(s) else. Either way Hallmark
benefits from the sales of cards, either "I
just wanted to say" or "In Loving
They've even discovered a way to milk the
prepubescent crowd. Remember back
before you were 10, it was compulsory to
give everybody in your class a stupid valentine with idiotic catch phases on them on
Valentine's. Everybody, even the members
of the same sex (not that there's anything
wrong with that). These cards didn't reflect
anything, but you had to give them to people whether you secretly liked them or
hoped that they'd fall and fracture their
skull during the next game of hide and
seek in the forest. Again, Hallmark cashes
in on your ignorance.
It's just scary and it makes you wonder
what they'll be going after next... If you
really want to get your girl something
she'll love, and not give Hallmark a dime,
here are a few patented Andy gift suggestions:
spend is time" - Put another way, chicks
uke to think that you're whipped, and
will do whatever they ask you to. Go
along to the art gallery or the coffee
shop, feign an interest in what she's
doing and agree with her on everything.
3. Swedish Penis Enlarger
I know what'll happen at my house. My
dad will ask my mom at 5:30pm on
Valentine's if she wants to go to dinner, if
so he should make a reservation. My brother will by his girl a plush cow or something
(there is something very disturbing about
barnyard animals mixed with Valentine's
Day), my grandparents will just watch TV,
and I'll be drunk as hell down at The Rage,
the best dispenser of love this town has ta
2. Spend an entire day doing what she
"The most valuable thing a man can
i. Get an Accent ^x v\j$$m$ tefowni in h HI6-H sreeo cn^seiriftmn iHecrry.
Chicks dig guys with accents. It make you THAT eVMTMLajAXES 1HBM TO A^CJ\,
sound like you're from someplace far, far
away. Therefore you've seen the world.
Therefore, you're much more interesting
than every other local boy. PAGE SIX
10 FEBRUARY 1998
Miss Jenn
Yup. Miss jenn.
eWm f%Wmm CL
The Winter Olympics are upon us once again, and it's made me think about
sports. More precisely, it's made me think about how crappy I am at sports.
Which is Very Crappy Indeed.
Unless you consider Full Body Contact Irish Step Dancing a sport, I haven't engaged
in any sort of organized competitive physical activity since Grade 10 Gym Class,
with the result that I am a wispy waif of a thing who could easily be taken down by
a light breeze. Or a tiny push. Or an Albanian Midget. Or a Mink. However I would
much rather have to face an Angry Mink one-on-one than go through gym class ever
The only way you could get me near a P.E Class ever again is if I were in charge. And
because my I.Q is somewhat higher than that of the average piece of dryer lint, I
reckon that's not in my future. But I do have some proposals, and maybe someone
out there who has a future in the junior high physical education system might like
to implement them.
1. Lead Block Dodgeball. "And Jimmy is running, he's darting left to right, he speeds
up, and OHHHHHHO that's got to be a setback. It appears that Jimmy's leg has been
crushed under a Lead Block. That's gonna cost him some speed in this gameO"
2. Target Shot Put. "It's a slow day out here on the Target Shot Put pitch, not much
to fire at. But wait - what's this? YesOyes, I do believe it's true. It appears the Chess
Club has accidentally wandered onto the pitch. Sports fans, this game is looking up.
Oh! And there's the first one down!"
3. Rat Lacrosse. "Young Billy has caught the rat in his stick and he's dashing towards
the goal. He winds up, he fires! And what a beautiful arc he's got on the Rat -
straight towards the net. Marty dives in front to block Billy's shot. Marty has stopped
the Rat! Marty gets up and, yes, it appears play will be delayed a moment as Marty
attempts to extricate himself from the Rat's grip. It doesn't appear to be working, the
Rat is holding on tight to Marty's shorts. Marty is beating the Rat with is lacrosse
stick yet the Rat is STILL holding on. Someone give this Rat an endurance medal."
4. Kung Fu Square Dance. "Spin yer pard'ner round and round, blow to the head,
all fall down. All link hands, turn to the right, roundhouse, elbow jab, fight, fight
5. Field Hockey Grudge Matches. "We've got a nasty one for you today, sports fans.
Missy has accused CeeCee of stealing her boyfriend Dirk; CeeCee countered with
allegations that Missy stuffs her bra. Missy gets the first blow - a powerful swipe at
CeeCee's knees. CeeCee has gone down, Missy is throwing her stick aside and
appears to be pulling CeeCee's hair. Oh, and CeeCee has retaliated with the very
painful earring pull. That one has gotta hurt, folks."
Where I went to school, we had athletes of the month, and athletes of the year.
Under my new system, athletes of the month would be whoever had registered the
most kills, and athlete of the year would be whoever survived. Plus, you'd get to keep
the heads of all your kills, and you could keep their $200 running shoes too.
]enn is too modest. What she didn't tell you was that she was the World Champion of
Lead Block Dodgeball from 1996 to 199. Unfortunately, she was forced to retire last year
due to a groin injury. God bless.-ed
Breeonne Baxter
Can't get those
ethnic stains out,
even with muitipie
While procrastinating recently (homework? what's homework?) I took the
time to write down my guidelines in becoming an Evil Overlord. Since my
plans for total world domination have been put on hold until after Bill
Clinton's reign of terror ends, feel free to use some of these in your next political
My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexi-glass visors, not face-
concealing ones. Of course, this would be a whole lot easier in the conquest of
enemy territories. As one knows, anytime you cannot see a legionary's face, they
obviously can't see the big proton gun you are holding.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. How many reigns of
terror have ended due to the rebel force squirming through the HUGE .air vents to
reach the Overlord's central control, and thence destroy the empire from within?
What is wrong about tiny air vents? Snake-size. And no matter how many hours you
can spend training that snake, it can't be taught to simultaneously knock out storm
troopers, push the red button, rescue the hapless female and chug the beer.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept in the Chasm of
Chaos, beyond the Glacier of Fear guarded by the Dragons of Death. It will be in
my safety-deposit box. Because, after all, the hero can make it past a dragon, but how
can he/she make it past bank security? Geeze, I can't get through to Humorigous
Bank, even if I have my money to give them. Trying to pry money out of their tight
claw-like fists is similar to prying a passing grade out of the math department. (I'm
kidding. In no way should the math department be compared to blood-sucking
banks. That's BC Transit's place)
When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you
afraid without your armies to back you up?" my reply will be, "No, just sensible." After becoming Overlord, and gaining the power of life and death over millions
of cowering minions, I will sensibly use my faceless Red-Shirts to dispose of my enemies. Besides, one-on-one fights to the death are detrimental to my coffee break
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is
necessary, it will not be a largered button labeled "Danger; Do Not, Push". Red button? I would rather put it on the wall, labeled "Elevator-Up" Right under the exit
sign. So when the hero tries for his speedy exit......
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose
no threat. After all, if I am busy ruling my conquered lands and planning further
annihilation of my enemies, I should not have time to create intricate riddles and be
leaving obvious and subtle clues for the rebel forces. If I have the time, there is some
insubordinate kingdom on the edge of my empire I should be crushing.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not
accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. No duh. That
would be like the CIA trying to cover up the alien conspiracy.. Oh, wait. Never mind.
But if you were Overlord, and your most vocalopponent turned up dead, would anyone think it was an accident? Anyone? I thought not.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply
choose not show them any. Mercy? What mercy? Why should I feel any need to
grant my enemies mercy? I plan to have them tortured in the most hideous manner.
Locked in a room with Michael Bolton, Rod Stewart, and Kenny G records playing
for hours and hours and hours.... No! Stop! My ears! You get the picture.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan
that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. Everyone knows that
a child at the age of five knows everything. When the VCR is broken, "it's Bobby's
toy car in the hole!", or when the dog throws up on the new carpet, "He ate my
crayons". Therefore, when my plan to cross the river and capture the enemy castle
is met with the opposition of, "Won't the army fall in and get drowned?", I will build
a bridge. And so on, and so forth.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a
device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches
117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. The hero will never see this
one coming. While trying to decide which wire to cut, his or her thought process
will stall, and his/her poor, courageous life will go *boom*, thereby proving my Evil
Overlord superiority.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I
want to know." That is the death knell for any evil overlord. When you hear that,
especially coming from your leader, it's time to change loyalties. And in a hurry,
because you know the regime will end violently in a hail of bullets within the next
five minutes.
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. This
goes for any advisor, medical doctor, soothe-sayer, astrologer, alchemist, general, spy,
or five-year-old kid. Because being Overlord isn't just a job choice. It's a lifestyle
-Yeah. Great idea, Bree. But just think about the effect on the lucrative action movie
industry, fames Bond'll be out of business. John Woo will be serving fries at Mcdondlds,
and McGyver will never make a comeback. Oh. Maybe that'll be a good thing, -d. 10 FEBRUARY 1998
Dem Dar Drawers Duh SUS.
Douglas Belexnay
Aarne Hamalainen
So it's the new year, on one of my New Years resolutions was to write my exec
reports more frequently this year. So much for that. Let's see what's going on in the
world of SUS finances. Well we have money, at this point slightly less than $25,000,
but that's not including all the money that Phil, and Mikey spent last week. At this
point it looks like the net loss on Cold Fusion was about, $1,500, but more on that
once all the bills have arrived.
So where's the rest of the money going, well there's money set aside for the telephone, and photocopier, and the paper. There's also money set aside for a year end
Grad Event at the Hotel Vancouver which you will be hearing more about in the near
future. Plans are still up in the air, but it should turn out to be a great event.
There's also money set aside for our Annual General Meeting, which is way in the
future, and there's the money that get's filtered through from Grad Class Council.
CLUBS LISTEN UP! If you are having a grad event this year you are entitled to
approximately $4 for each person that is graduating in your department. All you
have to do is submit a budget for a grad event, and a number of people graduating.
(At this point it will only be approximate, but last years numbers are a good start).
To finally get the money all you need to do is hold the grad event, and bring some
receipts to SUS.
Anyways that's about it from my world, life is busy. Gravity rules.
Doug is on crack. Gravity sucks, fust this morning it made me fall down.
Bad gravity. Bad. -ed
Mikey Boetzkes
Sodal Coordinator
Director of Sports
Hmmmmm.. there really hasn't been much going on lately. Winterfest took place
on the 13-14th of January with a SUS team "Psi One" coming in second place, way
to go!
The Allstar break is coming up soon, it should be a lot of fun for everyone who made
it on a team. (I'm kind of bitter that no SUS hacks made any allstar team) I still don't
have any info on Storm the Wall, but hopefully by next issue I should have some
news. There are a pair of seminars on March 7-8 with the main attraction being Oleg
Taktarov of "Ultimate Fighting Championship" fame. He will be teaching some Self-
Defense techniques and some other cool stuff. This will take place at the SRC, for
more info call Vadim Slavin or Luc Claes @266-2333. This will kick ass!
The Hockey Pool is going fine, things are still close near the top of the standings.
I just heard a rumor that Linden got traded to the Isles for Mccabe, Bertuzzi and a
draft pick. If it is not a rumor then it is the end of an era in Vancouver. The longest
serving players (Linden and Mclean) have been traded with Odjick and Lumme soon
to be following.
Aarne has a good story to tell about last Friday night. It involves the Cheeze, a handfull of
Werther's candies, and a large Yak. Ask him about it sometime.
hhhhhh, another Science Week gone by. I don't know about you but I really
don't remember much of it. Yes, but what else is Science Week for.
The one event that I do remember is Cold Fusion. Once again it turned into quite a
nice large room with a lot of really drunk people. Heck it as good enough to get us
in trouble with, well SAC security, the RCMP and I'm sure a couple of other people.
I ask you what is wrong with minors behind the bar, well Ok we tried not to have
minors serving but who is perfect.
I don't even think that we lost all that much money. Heck I might have even made
the budget, well within about 10% so I think that that is fairly good.
I would like to thank everyone who helped out as well as Four Bone Chain, The
Velveteens, speedbump, Wayside, and Mr. Flood's Party who put on a great show.
While this might have been a decent event financially the rest haven't so I don't
think that we will be having any more this year but I might see you all next year.
speedbump Rocks! Yah! Woo! -ed
Phil Ledwith	
Mighty Blue Tide of Justice
Science Week 98 is OVER. If you missed it, you're a loser. If you went to anything at
all, you won something or else you came very close. Congratulations, and thanks for
taking part. Thanks in the millions to all the faculty who helped out with beyond
First Year, with the Trike Race, with Lectures, with the Chem Magic Show, and with
so many other events that I don't have space to mention them all here. Thanks to
all the students who took part. Thanks to Jer for his help with Cold Fusion and with
the Posters and with his kick ass band. Thanks to Kat Murray for a host of things that
are again too numerous to mention. A big thank you to Vivian Hoffman for coming
and hanging out and closing Cold Fusion with us. I'm bored with thanking people
now so I'll change subject.
The AMS will have had yet jinother wonderful meeting by the time you read this.
Because of our lousy editors and their deadline fetish, I'm writing this before the
meeting, so I'll have to use clairvoyance to divine the rest of my report. Here goes:
The two major issues of the evening were election results and a motion allocating
more money to the grad students who recently met with a more than partial success
in their attempt to sue the university. They sued for return of the raised tuition they
were asked to pay despite a provincial freeze on fees. About halfway through discussion of the motion, a number of cows from the faculty of Ag. Sci turned up and
mooed loudly in Ryan Davies' ear, causing temporary deafness and forcing the chair
to be passed to Ruta Fluxgold, who silenced the ensuing crowds with fourty rounds
of twenty two calibre armour piercing shells. Some of the cows continued to moo
loudly, but whether this was due to their opposition to the motion, to being shot, or
to being carved up by Ryan Marshall and turned into hamburgers was unclear.
Engineeering president Yo Thornton and the rest of my science delegates were too
drunk at this time to speculate on the possible source of confusion. David Borins
announced the end of his political career after losing his BoG seat and revealed his
true nature as a member of the CIA sent to covertly observe the effect of hallucinogenic chemicals on humans by taking a small test sample of individuals who could
be relied on to interact together every two weeks or so and observing the results
when these hallucinogens were applied to their drinks. Borins then exploded into
several hundred jello fish with three eyes, of which the red ones were still the tastiest. We gave all the green ones to Jason Murray.
Phil forgot the last part, in which newly-elected President Vivian Hoffman admitted that
she was, in fact, a German. This was quite a surpise to the council membes, as many in
attenance had pegged her as a Swede, -ed
Henry Wong
Well, I've decided it's time to come clean and let the world know the truth. I'm coming out of the closet. No, I'm not gay (but there was that one time with male exotic
dancer when I was really drunk). In fact, I'm a Corey Hart fan. I actually own one of
his albums on CD (how many people actually own Corey on CD—I do). I'm only the
secretary of the SUS, but I'm the president of the UBC branch of the Corey Hart fan
club (actually the UBC branch is the only branch, but who's counting). Ask anyone,
it's true and I'm not afraid to admit it. No more hiding the truth. No more pretending I'm hip and into alternative music. I'm stuck in the 80s and I don't ever want
John Fournier
Internal Vice President
The Teaching Excellence Awards are on their way., yes sir indeed. Get ready, all you
have to do is fill out a handy dandy T.E.A. (super acronym eh?) evaluation form.
They will soon be conveniently located at bulletin boards outsides SUS or in major
science buildings (ie, you are unlikely to find any in Buchanon). If you are interested in getting involved with Science Academic Issues, please email me at
johnpf@unixg.ubc.ca and I'll let you know when our next meeting is.
Edrick Yu	
Public Relations Officer
I am pissed. Everybody has been pissing me off lately. Every single day, wherever I go, people are pissing me off. So what do "cusick", "jewell", "perrin", and
"wareing" have in common? Well, they are words that normally do not appear
in the dictionary. They are weird (perhaps aliens). The most important of all, however, is the fact that these words signify losers, because losers never exist.
Okay, on to the real thing.
Science Week is finally over. Hope everybody haid a great time, not to mention the
number of classes that you miss because you were watching free movies in SUS.
Speaking of Science Week, I hope that I can use this opportunity (without the censorship of the editor) to address something rather important. If you have been reading The 432, you should remember that I mentioned something regarding sponsorships. As a matter of fact, I stated that the Association of Chinese Graduates (ACG)
would be helping SUS to obtain sponsors. Unfortunately, that promise was being
broken about 3 weeks prior to the start of Science Week, leaving us with less money
to spend. I would like to apologize to SUS regarding what happened. On the other
hand, at the moment, I am not too happy with the direction of that club (that's
internal matter, none of your business).
So after all these whinings, I would like to invite any club to help out SUS to obtain
sponsors for Science Week 1999 (even though I realize that it is still too early for
that). That's right, this is a great opportunity for you to get some exclusive privilege.
I don't care whether it is CCS, CSA, DSC, and whatever alphabets exist (no soup
advertisement here), but the bottom line is if you want to help us out next year, talk
to me (my email address is edrickyu@unixg.ubc.ca). Once you have started to do
something, you will be allowed to post stuff on SUS boards, where hundreds, if not
thousands, of Science students (especially first years) look at every day to find out
what's going on. This is no joke. Go for it once you read this.
Class Act is finally underway. Volunteers are still needed, especially for Chemistry,
Biology, and Math, I guess most of you graduating this year have already received a
postcard with my ugly signature on it. If you would like to volunteer, that will be
absolutely wonderful; in return, the Dean of Science will write you a reference letter.
Now isn't that an awesome deal?
Finally, I would like to report some strange sights. I was sitting in one of my 5 Arts
classes in the big but oxygen-deficient lecture hall in Buchanan, and I actually saw
people reading The 432 besides The Ubyssey. Get the point?
Have a nice Midterm Break (what is the official name anyway?). Don't piss me off!!! PAGE EIGHT
10 FEBRUARY 1998
Demonstration Sport Proposal:
Olympic Fishing.
Fishing is a great sport. In fact, I think it
should be part of the summer Olympics.
Now, I figure that most of you are sitting
in your respective classes thinking to
yourselves: "Fishing? What the hell is so
difficult about fishing? Why does this
thing deserve the gold medal, tear-jerking ceremony, and general fanfare associated with the whole Olympic scene? I
mean, my obscenely fat Uncle Bernie
Yes, your Uncle Bernie fishes. And you
can run one hundred metres. Point
made? The fishing we'll introduce to
Sydney 2000 will be Olympic Fishing.
The point of the 100m dash is to get the
cream of the athletic community to run
one hundred metres really, really fast.
For Olympic Fishing, we could get the
cream of the fishing community to fish
ten hours really, really drunk. We're talking legendary drunk, here.
I think it's a good idea. When I was a
wee lad back in the redneck breeding
grounds around Nanoose Bay, I went
fishing with my friends all the time. I
can tell you that vast quantities of beer
were involved and a trip that started relatively sober rarely finished with full
vision intact. Coincidentally, these trips
When you think about it, catching fish
on a fishing trip isn't really the point. In
fact, it pretty much spoils the whole
mood of the trip when a stupid fish sees
fit to come up and chomp down on your
lure. Picture this: you're lazing around
under the sun, floating up and down on
the waves, sipping your ice cold brewsky
fresh from the cooler between your legs,
when all of a sudden: Wham! something
bites your line, you spill your beer, and
you have about 10 seconds to figure out
how the hell to keep your hold on your
rod and pick up your beer before it all
spills out, all at the same time! Very distressing, indeed.
No, I figure the whole point of Olympic
Fishing should be to completely avoid
catching anything at all. Nothing at all,
not even seaweed. This aspect will
require some basic lure regulations,
because let's face it, if you wanted to
avoid catching anything at all, you'd put
a copy of Anal Rape Quarterly on that
hook. Nope, we'll need some standard
lures, really good lures. That way, the
fish will have to swim over by the lure,
see this really appetizing herring dangling in the water, think about eating it,
and then decide that it better not
because that herring sure is swimming
like it's on some Peking serious heroin
because the Olympian controlling it is so
drunk he can barely enunciate "Bill,
canh you gezt me asnother beersh?"
"Wait!" you cry, "What about danger
and excitement? Downhill speed skiers
can wipe out and break their necks in a
vast cloud of powdered snow and oddly-
angled limbs! Where's the danger in
drunken fishing?" You should know that
75% of all drowned males dredged from
the murky bottoms of inlets either have
their flies open or pants around their
ankles. Why? Because they tried to stand
up and take a leak over the side of the
boat while fishing drunk. They then fall
in the water and their friends are too
plastered to figure out how to throw in a
life jacket.
Just picture the play by play. "Well, Jim,
it's been an exciting day so far. Team
Japan took a big blow earlier today when
Hiroshi Nagasaki passed out before even
starting his outboard."
"Yes, Dan. However, Team USA is looking very strong. David Smith and
Andrew Weisse have been out there for
nine hours. Between them, they've only
managed to catch a couple of rocks and
a waterlogged condom."
"A very impressive effort from the two
Americans. Let's take a look over at the
South Inlet now, were Zoran Barrada and
Antony Watkins are competing for
"Yes, it's been a big day for those two. As
far as I can see, they're now on their fifth
flat of beer and haven't reeled in anything!"
"Oh, and Barrada is going to urinate!
This is very exciting, Dan!"
"He's standing up... oh, he's got a belt!
This will present some difficulty for
Zoran, but he should score big for artistic merit. He's got it undone, he's looking good... Oh! And he's fallen in the
"And Watkins has hooked a trout! This
will keep them out of the medal round
for sure. They have got to be disappointed with this performance."
"With the Canadians out, I don't think
anyone can catch the Russian team.
They've been tossing empty vodka bottles overboard all day, have yet to snag
even a modest piece of floating debris
and are already at the nine and a half
hour mark. It's looking very good for
Boris and Dimitri Desparov, the twins
from Moscow."
"Yes, Jim. However, to qualify, they
must return to the dock within the ten
hour time limit, and I haven't seen any
movement at all from the Russian boat
for well over an hour now."
"You may be right, Dan. I can clearly see
Dimitri's left arm dangling over the side
of the boat, and they are absolutely no
signs of life over there..."
Excitement all the way, I'm sure you
agree. I'd be first in line to watch this
stuff on the big screen at The Pit, and I'm
positive that hundreds of sports enthusiasts will be right behind me.
I think that this could start a whole new
trend in Olympic sports. Once the World
Olympic Committee sees the increased
revenues from Olympic Fishing, they'll
consider adding obscene amounts of
alcohol to other major sports. Imagine
drunk ski jumping, or the drunken
duathalon, or even drunk gymnastic
floor routines.
Yup, another creative innovation in the
world brought to you by your local brewery. Beer, is there anything it can't do?
Nope, -ed
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