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The 432 Sep 20, 1995

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 Not one shred ofeveidence supports the notinon
that life is eriousJhreat it accordingly.
The AMS President, quoted from the very late 1995 Inside
UBC, on what's either the stupidest joke or the worst
example of proofreading in history.
»
Volume 9 Number 2
20 September 1995
UBC Incorporated!
Strangway to receive a $10 million signing bonus!
Dough Raymee &. Gord McVanOlundsky
Rowing Correspondents
VANCOUVER (Reuters)
In a surprise news conference earlier this week, the incorporation
of the University of British
Columbia into a public stock-offering company was announced by Dr.
David Strangway, the chief executive office of UBC.
This move is seen as a solution to
the impending money crisis that
looms over the university and all
other public universities at this
time as federal transfer payments to
the provinces are continually
decreasing.
Thej^anjKQjuid see large corporations buy 49.9% of the initial stock
offering with the province keeping
50.1% to remain the majority
owner. These corporations would
be encouraged to make UBC more
efficient. It is hoped that UBC will
eventually turn a profit under the
new stewardship.
Canadian real estate baron Albert
Reichmann has already hinted that
he would like to develop UBC into
a Canary Wharf type of real estate
development.
"It's got an seaside location, it's
miles away from downtown, there's
no subway connection yet, it parallels the London development in
every way, it's perfect!"
When confronted with the fact
that it nearly forced him into personal bankruptcy he replied, "second time's the charm." Critics
point out this would not be the first
time a complete idiot would be
placed in charge of the University's
finances.
Professional estimators put the
value of UBC near $800 million
dollars. This figure consists of individual assessments of various assets
and liabilities.
For instance, Professor Michael
Smith's Nobel Prize for Chemistry
has been added to the list of university assets while President
Strangway has been listed as a liability after his blind adoption of
the highly critical McEwen report
on harassment in the Political
Science. Luckily, the two balance
each other out.
Unfortunately, there are many
more liabilities than assets listed in
the official assessment of UBC.
Recent "pruning" activity along
University Boulevard has reduced
the aesthetic value of the campus.
The long term effects of privatization of UBC can not be accurately
predicted. Short term positive
aspects include the revamping of
the student newspaper system to
combine all student papers into a
daily paper on par with local community papers.
One likely buyer, Conrad Black,
suggested that the whole student
staff be replaced by skilled monkeys
with typewriters. The monkeys are
available as they have recently
reproduced Shakespeare's Romeo
and Juliet with only one misspelling
of the name Laertes. Critics consider this to be a vast improvement
over previous standards.
Additionally, local banks will be
placed in charge of the financial
aspects of running the University.
Due to the increasing costs of university, it is expected that student
loans will be available instantly
through Telereg to increase the
number of students tied to the
prime rate.
"Customers for life," said Ima
Richer from the Bank of Montreal,
"and if they can't pay off their
loans during their lifetime, we can
always claim their souls. Read the
fine print. We have a contract!"
Buildings and streets will be
renamed to reflect the nature of the
new ownership. Shareholders will
add their names to the existing
names on campus as sponsors.
Potential changes include the
Aaron Acceptance Arts '20 relay, the
Coca-Cola Chemistry Building, and
the McDonald's Main Library. This
last purchase is considered to dovetail nicely with the new
McDonald's in the Village.
When average students were asked
about the impending university
incorporation, answers ranged from
"What's a UBC?" to "Yeah, but will
it get me onto the Internet?"
Clearly public opinion remains
divided over this issue but the fact
remains that it will change the way
we view campus forever.
Netinfo Virus
Discovered!
Gord Olund Mcvansky
The real reason Engineers learned to walk upright
Illiterate Correspondent
VANCOUVER (CP)
Officials responsible for the
maintenance of the
University of British
Columbia's email system today
released the results of a comprehensive study of health problems
reported by users.
"We're pretty sure of the cause,"
said Mikel Johnstone of University
Computing Services 0JCS) "and $he'
only scientifically plausible cause is
a complex computer virus.''
Industry analysts arehailing the
landmark study as | breakthrough
in the study of how' computers
affect their users.
The study discovered that symptoms of the Netinfo virus increased
exponentially with computer use.
Of the complaints listed, the most
common symptom of the Netinfo
virus was sore eyes and a stiff neck.
This problem is magnified once
Netinfo use increases past 1 hou*
per day, leading to chronicjaack difficulties and bladder corfffol problems.
Researchers discovered low dosages
of a simple compound (Al I2Fe)
took care of most of these initial
symptoms, but was ineffective in
the treatment of advanced cases.
These victims reported a complete
lack of sexual drives, blindness and
increased weight gain. The study
found that Netinfo usage peaked at
7.6 hours per day in the worst
cases.
Researchers suggest a complete
reformat of the hard drive to
remove the virus from a person's
system. Volume 9 Number 2
20 September 1995
Consul of the Roman Empire	
Blair McDonald
Senatus Princeps
John Hallett
Primus Pillus	
Jay Garcia, Matt Wiggin
Centurions in charge of distribution
VACANT
Granite chipping by:	
College Printers of Vancouver BC
Legionnaires of the Roman Empire
Leona Adams, Sam Arnold, Deanna
Braaksma, Anna Carvalho, Bella
Carvalho, Dave Khan, Phil Ledwith,
Tracy MacKinnon, Tessa Moon,
Donald Rhee, Ken Satake, Jeremy
Thorpe
Trivicus Materivs	
The 432 is published every two
weeks by the Science Undergrad
Society of UBC, offices located in
CHEM B160. All opinions expressed
herein are those of the individual
authors.
Unsolicited articles and cartoons
gladly accepted. Please bring articles on disk (IBM or Mac) and a
hard copy. All material must contain
author's full name and phone number in order to be published.
Submissions from ail UBC students
welcome. All rights reserved 1995.
PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Z0 SEPT 1995
Why I'm not a cook or a salesman.
Blair
MCDONALD
"Hi, I'd to order one number 4
dinner for one, one number 1
dinner for one, and a half dozen
egg rolls." said Matt.
"Get the boy!" said the guy on
the other end of the phone.
Matt patiently repeated what he
had just said.
"Get the boy!" shouted the guy
on the other end of the phone.
By "get the boy," it was obvious
the guy meant "what's your
phone number."
After passing the first test, Matt
moved on.^.
"Do the egg rolls have any meat
in them?" asked Matt.
"We have spring rolls," said the
guy on the Other end of the
phone.
"Do the spring rolls have any
meat in them?
"Little bit of meat."
"Do you have any spring rolls
without any meat in them?"
"We got spring rolls."
"No meat!"
"Little bit of meat!"
Sigh. At least Matt didn't ask if
they had anything with water
chestnuts in it. He probably
would have been told that it's
very warm in Miami this week.
I guess English is Just one of
those learned skills. Direction
finding also:
"Can you send this order to the
Chemistry Building, Room
B160?"
"Bus stop."
"How about the Biology
Building?"
"Bus stop."
"Ok, how about the Bookstore?
That's just across the street from
the bus loop."
"Bus stop."
"Alright, alright. We'll meet you
at the bus loop."
"Bus stop."
Right. Serves us right for being so
lazy.
Of course, I could have warned
Matt how difficult it is to order
anything complex from the
Varsity Grill, having been stuck
with that thankless task when I
was working with Ryan two years
ago on this very rag.
Seems only fitting that I pass on
the same lessons I learned - don't
order anything from the Grill
except their combination dinners
- and never, ever, ask what's in
the meal.
If they're honest, you'll hear
"MSG." If not, all you'll get is
"No meat" or equally illustrating:
"Very little cast iron."
Also, stay away from their
Shampoo Beef. It's carefully masquerading as Szechaun Beef, but
don't be fooled. The main ingredient is good ol' Head and
Shoulders.
Some of you might be asking
why I persist in ordering such vile
slop from a place notorious for
the worst Chinese food in th e
city.
Stupidity perhaps. But probably
tradition.
Actually, the Varsity adds a special ingredient, some mystical
Asian herb that I can't live without.
Chemical dependency is a large
part of working with The 432.
Not "controlled substances",
mind you, just plain old, good
fashioned dependency on the
ambrosia of the Gods - Dr.
Pepper.
Those of you who guessed a tall
dark pint of Lord Granville win
the consolation prize - I'd drink
nonstop during production time
if wasn't for the fact that my stories would be rather incoherent.
...and i shaid that the weal wea-
son dat the thing went there was
it aways wanded too.
You get enough of that in other
papers, right?
As with most chemical dependencies, one suffers withdrawal
pains when it is abruptly taken
away.
Which finally brings me to my
rant. Dr. Pepper is on the way
out. You might have noticed the
distinct lack of Pepsi machines in
the SUB; this lack will soon
spread across campus since UBC's
gone completely corporate.
I don't know about you, but
being treated only as a market
pisses me off. For example, the
AMS has signed, is signing, will
sign (depending on whom you
believe) a deal with Coca Cola
giving them a monopoly in the
SUB.
Ergo, no Pepsi machines, and
therefore no Dr. Pepper. The AMS
pockets $10,000 a year for 10
years in exchange for depriving
the students of the right to
choose from a wide selection of
cold beverages.
Sure, the AMS will use that
money in worthwhile ways. But
I've seen too many examples of
how one exec's worthwhile ideas
become the next's fiscal irresponsibility.
Everyone treats students as a
market. The Ubyssey (a long time
bastion of anti-capitalism) lists
you as a "concentration of 18-24
year olds" on their advertising
rate cards. ACC Communications
is everywhere, peddling their
snake oil and grass charms as a
massive savings in long distance
charges.
I suppose I'm no better, as this
very paper is chock full of
enducements for you to get
involved in SUS.
I consider myself a realist, and
accept that marketing and consumerism is only going to rise as
costs skyrocket. The trick is going
to be to maximize your return
from all the goods and services
being thrown in your face.
After all, if this was an ideal
world, none of us would be here.
We'd all go fishing.
The Science Bzzr Garden Circuit
Physsoc/Chem
Friday, Sept 22
HEBB 12
4:32pm
BioSoc
Friday, Sept 29
BIOL 2449
4:32pm
BPP
Friday, Oct 6
SUB 205
4:32pm 20 SEPT 1995
THE fOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
Breaking down early.
G #U 3
Wty I Jay
' ' GARCIA
Coolness. The summer's
been long, but, oddly
enough, the first two weeks
of school have been longer. I was,
initially, looking forward to coming back. I mean, I've got a good
friend living in res now (hi
Mandy!) and I've got another
good friend coming back to
school. Not to mention that, for
the last few weeks of work, I was
counting down the hours before I
came back — which just goes to
show exactly how excruciatingly
boring work was.
So there I was, first week of
school, all in keener mode —
front and center, four-color pen
in hand, bright, eager smile —
you know, keener mode. And
there I was, happily taking notes,
listening to my profs blather on,
when I had a sudden flashback...
April 20th, 1995. Past midnight.
Four days before my Chem final.
Sweating my brains out trying to
figure out stereoisomer configurations and IUPAC naming conventions. Haven't slept in, oh, days
now. Already gone through sixty
Cardiac arrest
sheets of paper, six pots of coffee,
four four-color pens, and most of
my friends (really, who wants to
hear someone bitching about
how difficult it is to be a Science
student?). Look up Wearily at my
clock. Thought it was midnight.
It's really four in the morning. It's
at this point that I mutter "Boy, I
can't wait for the summer to
start."
Anyway, by the time I revive
from my flashback, the class had
ended, and I was left alone in a
darkened lecture hall. After
bumping my knees and scraping
my shins for a bit, I eventually
managed to find my way out of
Wesbrook. In the intervening
period, though, I'd figured out
exactly what I'd forgotten about
being in school.
For one, there's the bookstore.
Now, I know it's the largest in
Western Canada and I have no
problems with bookstores in general, but the idea of shopping for
my texts generally fills me with
that foggy, befuddled, giddy feeling that can only be brought
about by extreme physical
exhaustion or by the rapid
absorption of too many fermented fruit (or vegetable) juices.
Bookstore shopping is kind of a
rite of passage. I mean, first years
usually go shopping for their
books beginning two or three
weeks before the start of school
("Gotta do all that reading
ahead..."), whereas most other
UBC students generally wait until
oh, more or less right before their
first exams ("Ahh, most of that
stuff's taken from the lecture anyways..."). And the lineups (or just
UBC lineups in general, of which
the bookstore is an exemplary
case) are excruciatingly long. And
boring. And more or less point
less. I mean, just the other day,
on my way to Wesbrook, I witnessed the somewhat amusing
spectacle of a lineup to get in to
the bookstore. And I'm not talking about the returns line.
Another minor thing that I'd forgotten was studying. I mean,
when you working during the
summer, it's pretty bloody rare for
you to take your work home with
you (I mean, if you're flipping
burgers and asking your mom
and pop and little sister if they'd
like fries with those, then you've
definitely been absorbed by the
McSystem). For some reason,
your profs actually expect you to
come to your next class more or
less prepared (which more or less
explains those odd looks I got
when I walked into my English
discussion group wearing a lab
coat). And studying during the
first week, as I've come to realize,
is damn difficult. The actual
physical effort required to pull
yourself to your desk and lift
open the cover of your textbook
is enormous. And even when you
begin to read, you discover that,
individually, the words have
meaning, but taken together,
they make absolutely no sense.
And how about them aforementioned lecture halls? Anyone out
there taking Biol 200 or Microbi
201? If you are, you've got my
condolences. If the lack of air
doesn't kill you, the excess light
will.
Ah well. Christmas break is only
a couple of months away.
Jay Garcia is currently going
through withdrawal pains from his
summer job as a data entry clerk.
Please bear with us as we all suffer
with him.
Spaghetti - a feast fit for a King.
Sam Arnold
Columnist
I've spent over three years at
UBC and I regret that I have
yet to see an article devoted
entirely to spaghetti. It is now
time to fill this existential void.
Spaghetti is, as Garfield almost
said, nature's perfect food. It is
easy to prepare, economical,
tastes good and is easy to locate
in the grocery store (as opposed
to, say, a squad of baboons).
Preparing spaghetti for consumption is a simple task, made
even simpler if you prefer it
crunchy. Anyone can make
spaghetti, even the truly inept
chef who can burn water. This is
because you start by burning
some water (hint: you can tell
when you've got the water burning properly because a thin
steam-like smoke rises from it and
it begins bubbling in the same
fashion as your average house
hold dollop of lava). When the
water is burning nicely, throw the
spaghetti in with it for a while. It
is recommended that you leave
the spaghetti in there until it
lacks the crunchiness that it didn't lack before. Then you extinguish the burning water, separate
it from the spaghetti, and place
the spaghetti on a plate upon
which you then deposit a quantity of that marvelous substance
known as "spaghetti sauce".
Just about any substance with
the consistency of mud (preferably the sort of mud that you
happen to like the taste of) can be
considered spaghetti sauce. If
you're in a hurry then I recommend that you go to the store
and purchase any type of red
mud that you can find in a glass
jar that lacks the word "ketchup"
on the label (unless you _really_
like ketchup). As a special warning to those who still have taste
buds, never add anything made by
McDonalds to the sauce 0 still
have nightmares).
Now that we have contemplated
the preparation of the holy noodle, we can now discuss the more
refined topic of spaghetti-eating
ritual. The True Spaghetti Ritual
involves the following essential
components: People, Purpose,
and Positively Comfy Lounging-
about Furniture. The People are
there for moral support and to
pass the parmesan cheese. I recommend roommates as an excellent source of People and rampaging Ostrogothic hordes as a bad
source of the same.
The Purpose is what sets the
time of consumption, perhaps a
cult TV program such as Babylon
5, Red Green, or any British comedy (under no circumstances
allow yourself to watch any TV
show set in California).
The Positively Comfy Lounging-
about Furniture is there because,
if you've consumed the proper
amount of spaghetti, you won't
feel like moving around for a couple of days. I have now enlightened you to the wonders of the
magic food spaghetti land, in
doing so, filled a great emptiness
in my soul (and/or stomach).
I feel much better now and I
hope that, if there is any greater
sense of fulfillment in this occasionally fruit-stained occurrence
known as life, that it shows up
pretty quick or else I'm going to
end up writing something entitled "314 Silly Things to do With
Duct Tape".
Common rumour has that Sam
Arnold is the third reincarnation of
Elvis Presley. We're all waiting
expectantly for him to spontaneously
starting singing "Hounddog" so we
can crown him King. PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20 SEPT 1995
Sellin' out the farm...
Donald Rhee
Columnist
When I finally flip my calendar to September it
can only mean one
thing and that is that it's already
the third week of September. The
school year has once again snuck
up on me, grabbed my shoulder,
turned me around, and slapped
me in the face with a good backhand of reality.
It's nice to be back in these comfortable surroundings though. It's
nice to see the hustle and bustle
of people scrambling not to be
late for class, the MOscow-like
queues at the bookstore where
the capitalist penchant for
monopolization and bleeding
wallets dry thrives and of course
the familiar feminine voice of the
maiden Telereg which is always
the first greeting I receive here at
UBC. She was kind to me this
year in that she gave me all the
classes I wanted without rejecting
me once. So feeling good about
myself and with a minty mouth
freshly scoped, I went to my first
class. With all the similarities
though, there's also been a heap
of changes over the summer.
To my great surprise there was a
ice cream stand by the bus loop.
Good idea but wrong place. I
thought since I thought that only
UBC and other student food services had the right to sell food on
campus and charge us inflated
prices.
My friend later told me that UBC
and the AMS is selling out to corporate interests. Coke will soon
be the official drink of UBC much
to the dismay of the card-carrying
communist-Pepsi-drinking population out there. I don't remember any consultation with the students about this issue but I fear
that given the choice, bzzr would
be made the official drink of
UBC. But hey, why not sell out?
The Rolling Stones finally did it
this summer and Bill Gates got
the song he wanted for basically
money he probably scrounged up
from cracks of his couch. Mr.
Koerner has graciously donated
umpteen millions of dollars to
have his name immortalized in
concrete and steel in the form of
a new library which currently sits
on what used to be a pleasant
grassy area where I liked to sit
and eat Quaker Oat Squares sans
milk
That's a shameless plug for a
cereal that should be repackaged
as little cookies instead.
I guess selling out's alright
though. However, I do have one
request with regards to the ice
cream truck. Don't let the ice
cream truck start playing the jing-
ly version of Ludwig Van
Beethoven's Fur Elize.
I can't believe the piece most
played by beginner pianists, and
perhaps the most famous piece in
the world, has been reduced to
nothing but a shameless jingle
trying to attract people to buy
frozen coloured sugar water that
costs twelve cents to make but is
sold for three bucks. Capitalism at
work, I guess.
Ludwig's probably rolling over in
his grave as we speak and the
same goes for Wolfgang (as in
Mozart) in his pauper's grave
everytime that bouncing blue ball
jumps around the television
screen to the tune of Eine Klein
Nachtmusik with every beat
exclaiming the word BIG trying
to hock 6/49 lottery tickets. Silly
but damn the classics are always
catchy somehow.
On a less critical note, did anyone notice this summer that in
the lower mainland there were
basically no bugs at all to be seen
or swatted? I didn't get one mosquito bite and no ticks attached
themselves to my scalp to suck
my blood.
However I see that the worms
are once again descending upon
UBC. You've probably seen them
by now or maybe I've been hallucinating about them my last
three years here. They're little yellow larvae-looking things on thin
silk strings swaying underneath
big trees with most hovering at
just about eye level. Has everyone
here seen Star Trek II - The Wrath
ofKhanl You know the scene
where Khan inserts that worm
into Chekov's ear canal and then
has it take control of his mind?
Well, if it should happen to you
then don't worry cause I'm sure
they're harmless 'cause I feel fine!
But don't go on a hero trip by
eating them as a Captain Scott
O'Grady appetizer either. As this
could well possibly be my first
and last article ever published, I
would like to say hi to my Mom
who presently suffering through a
slight bout of "empty nest" syndrome.
Hi Mom! Send money!
And don't ask me what bzzr is.
Don's one of the new suckers
columnists that just walked in the
door last week. I'm sure Don's quite
surprised to find his article nearly
untouched - the only part I deleted
was the bit about women having
hairy arms.
I'm sure Don will be happy to share
that story and many more throughout the year.
World domination made easy.
Jeremy Thorpe
Columnist
World Domination: It is a
common misconception
that world domination
is limited to the very smart and
the very rich. The truth is, you
don't have to be very smart or
very rich at all; all you need is a
little ingenuity and a lot of hard
work. Of course, the list of successful world domineers in the
last century or so is very limited,
but don't let this get you down.
In three easy steps, you can soon
be resting comfortably—with the
world at your fingertips.
Every aspiring conqueror needs
a clever plan. In comic strips and
cartoons, this usually involves the
creation of a 'great big nuclear-
powered-laser-guided-fuel-inject-
ed gun'. Size is important—big
enough to blow a hole the size of
a small Mack truck into the side
of Fort Knox, but small enough
that you can tell your mother
that it's 'just something that you
picked up at a yard sale.'
Unfortunately, there are those of
us who don't have the technical
know-how and/or access to Radio
Shack which is required for such
an endeavor. In which case, we
are left with a more subtle, less
violent, and infinitely more cunning approach—inducing mass
confusion. In a world that relies
so heavily on mass media, it is
possible for an individual to
reach audiences of millions of
television viewers. With their
ability to think for themselves
already reduced to that of a small
tropical fruit by sitcoms and late-
night infomerdals, couch potatoes everywhere are vulnerable to
your control. To force them into
servility, all you have to do is to
first catch their attention, and
then, while they are held in
pathetic fascination, to bend
their wills with subliminal references. The first step is simple: tell
them you're Elvis, sell them a
vacuum-powered hair care system, or run for President. As long
as you keep them occupied long
enough to convey your message
(approximately 5.4 minutes)1,
your success is ensured. The subliminal message is up to you.
Although it can be something as
simple as "You are weak. I am
strong. Bow to me as my servant," this tends to show an
inherent lack of creativity. A
much more ingenious message is
one that undermines the collective emotional security of the
world, and forces everyone to
realize that everything they have
believed in is false, leaving them
grasping for order and control
(which you, of course, will graciously provide). A few suggestions for such a message are: "
Santa Claus is real; he just doesn't
like you," "The Beatles were lip-
synching," or "Ward was gay,
June was a prostitute, and Wally
and the Beaver were adopted."2
Soon the whole world will be
groveling at your feet, begging for
your guidance, and with the completion of the next step, you will
have assumed your inevitable
role—as supreme ruler of the
world.
Once you have turned the world
into a bunch of mindless, confused idiots, you must then turn
World Domination	
continued next page 20 SEPT 1995
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
The tool.
Ever since the invention of
the club (or sometime shortly before that,) humankind
has had a fascination with tools.
Granted this is especially true of
heavy machinery, but it extends
right down to the simplest of
hand tools; if a neighbour has his
or her hammer out when I come
walking by, if I'm not being
chased by another lynch mob,
I'm sure going to stop to find out
what they're doing. We love to
buy tools; we love to hold them.
We really love to turn them on,
hearing the noise they make and
use them on scrap pieces of
wood, just to get a feel for how
they handle.
The question is: why?
What is it about tools that makes
them so damn fascinating to us?
Well, there's a whole whack of
possibilities (that's a lot.)
Freudians, and a number of disgruntled wives would say that the
tool is just a phallic symbol, a
symbol of a man's sexual prowess.
Two words: bloody idiots. I disagree for two reasons. First up,
while I agree that the majority of
tool people I know are male,
there's a hell of a lot of women
out there who know the difference between a Phillips and a
World Domination
continued
them into your bunch of mindless
confused idiots. Promise health
care reform, pass out free
Smarties, or dress up as a purple
dinosaur; it doesn't matter. As
long as you establish yourself as a
leader, people will flock to you
like lawyers to an ambulance, and
soon you will be in a position to
make your move. While eating
dinner at the White House, or
mediating at UN peace talks, use
your newly gained popularity to
suggest that "it sure would be
nice if we got rid of these wishy-
washy country thingies and made
the whole world a dictatorsh... I
mean a global village."
Inevitably, someone will take
notice of your subtle remark, and
one thing leading to another, will
suggest that you would make a
splendid leader. After a few meaningless elections and maybe a war
or two, you will have control of
the entire world—or most of it,
anyway.
Rome wasn't built in a day, arid
it follows that you can't expect to
conquer Earth in less than a
week. There will be a few people,
believe it or not, who will refuse
to submit to your awesome
power. They will probably
attempt an annoying little rebellion or something or other. Fear
not, however, because with the
multi-million grape-peelers that
will obey your every command,
there will be few coups d'etats
which will progress beyond the
Robertson screwdriver, and can
make a router sing. They can't be
in it for the phallic thing,
unless... But there's another reason, too. Why would the guy
with the 4 1/2 horse motor on his
table saw be better hung than his
neighbour with the 1 1/2 motor?
Never in my life have I ever been
asked to state the length of my
penis whilst purchasing tools.
Granted, I haven't bought too
many, but I haven't even heard of
it. But this is getting rather vulgar, so I'll move on.
Another, more likely explanation
is the attraction to raw power.
You have to admit that there's a
real attraction to steam shovels;
anything that can dig a hole the
size of the Rose Parkade has got
to be pretty cool. Even hammers
can smash things, Tools allow
one person to do the work of ten,
(unless they're a road maintenance crew, in which case they
allow ten people to do the work
of one.) That and they're loud.
Really loud. (Admit it. Nobody
really grows out of a love for
making deafening noises.) Best
yet is that element of danger that
every one of us craves. There's
always the possibility that you're
going to cut your own index finger off with the table saw, right
'kill-a-few-people-blow-up-a-few-
buildings stage.' Sure, one or two
might get to the 'capture-the-
president's-dog stage,' but even
these uprisings are nothing that a
few well-placed nuclear missiles
cannot quash. Within a month,
all of these nasty self-concerned
rebels will have been captured or
killed, and you will finally be the
*big cheese,' 'el presidente' — the
guy who rules the world.
So why, you ask, if it's so easy,
hasn't anyone done it already?
The answer is simple— no one
has given it a good shot. Let's face
it. Alexander wasn't as great as
you think, and Napoleon had his
hand stuck in his shirt most of
the time. Hitler was insane, and
Barney's just too darned cute to
be effective. It's time for someone
to take the initiative, to quest for
power, and to do it right. And
that someone could be you.
1 All information <Iam strong>
contained in this essay is <you are
weak> completely farcical, and
anyone stupid enough to attempt
world domination through subliminal messages is obviously
<bow tome as your leader> a complete lunatic.
2 It's true. So is the thing about
Santa Claus. See above.
Hmrn... Jeremy the Great? I don't
think so. If anyone wants to hunt
down this tin plated dictator with
delusions of grandeur, count me in.
Guess I really should adjust the
Prozac dosage for the water supply
in the writers' cage.
Dad? Let's just say that I learned a
lot of new words that day.
What attracts me to tools, however, is the act of creation without all of the usually accompanying culture. Go to a painter's
exhibition, and you'll encounter
a room full of pseudo-intellectual,
upper class snobs who really need
to be mugged, if only to put them
in their places. When the year's
new cars come out, however, the
people you see ranting about
them are covered in grease, drink
beer, and know how to spit. I'm
not trying to argue against being
cultured (well, maybe I am a little
bit,) but the whole get in there,
get dirty, and don't come back
until you've turned a small rain
forest into a dining room suite
line of thinking really does appeal
to me. Working with tools makes
me feel like God playing at the
sand centre.
Perhaps the nature of our love
for tools falls into the same category as why a cold beer tastes so
good after a hard day; maybe we
should just accept it, and stop
questioning things, lest we wreck
'em. Who cares? They're big,
they're loud, and they make me
happy.
This story is dedicated to my
parents, who bought me my first
tool kit when I was five, Lee
Valley tools, for providing excellent quality tools to connoisseurs
everywhere, and to 220V outlets,
for making it all work.
When I first saw the title, I though
Matt was finally writing his autobiography. Guess I was wrong, though.
And yes, I know that was incredibly
mean for me to say that of Matt.
Sorry.
About that last bit? I was lying. I'm
not really sorry at all. Hah!
SOGS (Students of General Science)
If you're a Science student, you're in! Come find
out what we're all about. Meetings Monday •
d:30am • CHEM V\60
Fhyeeoc
The Physics Society is a social and academic club
that has everything you need to survive at U3C.
Come and kick back in our lounge, use our
microwave and phone, study in our library or quiet
carrel room, or indulge in some nutritious donuts
and pop. We also participate in Intramurals and
organize a heap of social functions.
Membership is only $5 and you can see it all for
yourself in Hennings 307.
Hey!
Are you a keener frosh?
Well, we've got a place
for you...
First Year Committee is
looking for new
members
Simply drop by SUS and
show some interest
We'll do the rest. PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
20 SEPT 1995
Weather's here; wish you were great.
Leona
ADAMS
Dear Blair,
Hope this catches you in
time for the first issue.
Did I forget to mention
that I'd be in the Caribbean with
my mom for most of August
(well, 18 days is more than
half...)? Now, I know you're
going to ask where exactly I went.
The reason why I didn't just say
straight off that I spent 4 days in
St. Kitts before heading to St.
Vincent is because whenever I
mention my itinerary, people ask
one of two things: a) Where is
that? b) Is that anywhere near
Jamaica? (for the record, Jamaica
is near Cuba and Haiti: St.
Vincent is near Barbados,
Grenada, and Venezuela. If
you're more curious than that,
head to the library. What do I
look like, an atlas?)
The afternoon of our flights
started out innocently enough.
The Idea was to catch a bus to
Seattle at 4:00 to leave us plenty
of time to catch our 11 o'clock
flight (did I mention that I was
traveling with my mother? Have
I also mentioned that her punctuality fetish causes people to question her Caribbean heritage?
Seriously. As far as she is concerned, the only times of day that
exist are "o'clocks" and "almost
o'clocks". For example, 10:07 is
"almost eleven o'clock", to be
used in sentences such as "You'd
better get to bed: it's almost
eleven o'clock".) At any rate,
when the bus finally arrived at
5:30, there was a taxi in tow.
Apparently, the word "reservation" causes the employees of
"Billy Bob's Fast Shuttle" to pull
out their dictionaries. To make a
pending lawsuit short, we ended
up riding to Seattle in the taxi,
while our luggage went on ahead
in the bus. I spent part of the
ride wondering what would have
happened if the taxi got held up
at the border for some reason:
picturing my clothes lounging on
the beach without me in them. I
really need to get out more.
The flights themselves went very
well under the circumstances.
Anytime when I spend more than
twenty-four hours straight
either sitting or standing, traveling/studying companions tend to
disappear under mysterious circumstances. Throw into the mix
the fact that, well, how can I put
this delicately...well, let's suffice it
to say that our chosen travel time
was not the most... biologically
convenient. You see, while half
the guys reading this are sitting
scratching their heads, looking
like Elizabeth Hurley after having
heard about Hugh Grant's
episode, I almost guarantee you
that all the women are nodding,
some even adding a "Been there,
done that."
Both Sea-Tac and O'Hare are
equipped with the CNN Airport
Network. To the untrained eye,
it might seem desirable to have a
news source available. Take into
consideration a few important
details, however:
1) While staying near to the
gates (desirable while waiting for
a flight), it was physically impossible to have a monitor out of
earshot (or for the more conspira-
torially-oriented among you, to
be out of earshot of a monitor).
2) Although the news and
weather reports were occasionally
updated, the entertainment
reports were repeated ad nauseam. I now know more than I
could ever wish to about
Catherine DeNeuve, and could
tell you incredible details about
the performance of Netscape on
the stock market in its opening
day.
3) This informational diarrhea
fell primarily between the hours
of 5:00 and 7:30 a.m. (central)
In spite of my eventual distaste
for the whole experience, I did
pick up a few things. For one,
CNN anchorwomen tend to be,
well, unattractive. The one who
kept trying to engage us had
some weird thing going on with
her nose. Then there's that
blonde one. I always get the
impression that she's trying to
hypnotize me or something (but
maybe that's just me). But then I
thought about it more in-depth.
I guess if ABC can have Sam
Donaldson, Ted Turner can hire
whoever he wants.
The Network also let us in on
another little secret. Seems that a
hurricane was hovering just east
of Puerto Rico, which, inconveniently enough, was exactly
where we were headed. As you
can guess from the fact that
you're actually getting a postcard,
we didn't actually meet up with
Felix. You can, however, probably imagine my delight, on no
sleep, at 6:00 a.m., being advised
of the existence of a major tropical storm coinciding with my
desired whereabouts.
I guess I've run out of room,
which kind of bites, since I
haven't gotten to anything about
the vacation itself yet. That's
probably for the best, since it isn't
nice to taunt people by telling
them how much you're enjoying
the 31 (but feels like 40)-degree
heat when they're at home, probably getting rained on. See you
all when I get back.
Leona
Check out your
Science Club!
Details at Clubs Days, the Inside UBC,
or at SUS (CHEM B160)
Phil's rant against the Machine.
PhilLedwith
Columnist
This article doesn't have a
theme yet, and I have an
hour left to write it. Lost,
aimless, completely without
direction...sounds like a Madonna
movie...and if I keep quoting him
like this I'll end up sounding like
Berke Breathed. I'd heard that he
had a big chunk of Hang glider
sticking out of his head, wouldn't
want that. Still don't have a
theme though. I can't keep this
up for a year. Hell, I can't keep
this up for three weeks.
I hate the first weeks of school.
Why do I hate the first weeks of
school? BECAUSE EVERYTHING
GOES WRONG. I mean it. look at
this mess. For one thing, you are
dirt poor; For me this is a permanent condition but I understand
that many people share my
predicament at this time of year.
Even if I could afford to register
(I'm hoping that by the end of
next week my loan will come
through, but who knows what
will happen next when you are
in the twilight zone), There is no
way I would try and use Telereg.
Telereg; the administrations first,
biggest, and only joke of the year.
There are species of deep sea snail
that crawl along the ocean bed
faster than information down the
telereg phone lines. The only real
difference is that you know what
happened to the snail; try and
find out what happened to your
attempt to register in Math 302.
Try. I hate telereg. The last time I
successfully used telereg to register in a course was '92. Someone
fetch me an axe.
I did this rant last year. But I
never mentioned the bookstore
lineups. I can't afford my books
anyway (ever try and do your
homework without the textbook,
which has all the questions in it?
takes a loooong time) but even if I
could afford my books I would
find it hard to relish the prospect
of joining a chain of people that
could stretch across four continents. Bookstore lineups; endless
fun, but without the fun bit. The
dinosaurs never became extinct.
They just joined a bookstore lineup somewhere and are still in it,
all green and pale from eating too
much McDonald's food. I hate
bookstore lineups.
I hate pointless building structures. Before the year 2000 the
University will employ more con
struction workers than profs.
Don't spend years of your life
learning advanced computational
plasma physics Or recombinant
dna techniques. Forget about
med school. Become a construction worker, and then you will
really be in demand, and you'll
probably get paid more, too. Hell,
you might even stand a chance of
making as much money as you
have given/still owe to the
administration. (Wow, getting
money back from the university.
Now that was funny.)
Have you seen how many buildings there are on this campus?
I'm going to school at a construction site. If the dust doesn't clog
my lungs and give me asthma or I
don't get hit by falling debris, or
run over by a cement truck, then
I'll probably just step on a rusty
nail somewhere, contract gangrene and die horribly in a deserted motel room watching David
Lettermen re runs. I really hate
construction, except that I hate
those little green worms that
hang from all the trees even
more, and hopefully they will
manage to kill a large number of
them off before they leave.
Nothing works here. This article
is taking too long to write. The
computer is three years old and
wants to save what I am doing
every three minutes. In approximately three minutes I will be
late for class.The class I will be
late for is Chem 121, which is by
coincidence the last course I ever
successfully registered for
through Telereg. Now I need it to
graduate. Of course, by the time I
actually graduate I will no longer
be able to find the building that
the degrees are kept in because of
all the cement trucks and by then
even the Administration assistants will look like construction
workers because there will be so
many of them. People will think
it's a fall fashion show and the
line up will be impossible to enter
anyway because it will have met
and bred with the bookstore lineup producing baby lineups that
hang from all the trees. Oh, why
bother.
Phil's one of those students you
always hear about but never meet-
enteringhis nth year but still struggling through his first year requirements. He deserves our pity, not our
scorn, so everyone in his fust year
Chem class give him a great big hug.
We love you, Phil. Please smile. 20 SEPT 1995
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
The Mundane Dumpster.
Tracy MacKinnon
Anna Carvalho
Sunshine and Peaches
Welcome back. Since
we've all spent countless hours in lineups all
over campus, we definitely know
school has started. Isn't it great?
As per usual, the SUS has lost
some executives over the summer. If any of you science undergraduates are interested for
Internal Vice President (aka Party
Whip) or Social Coordinator,
please talk to me about it before
September 28,1995. I'd be happy
to discuss the position or current
moview or the latest Simpsons
episode. We also have some
unfilled department rep positions
on Council.
Now's the chance you've been
waiting for to get involved! But
even if you don't want to be a
Council member, feel free to drop
by and microwave your lunch or
use the phone. Soon it will feel
just like home.
If you see someone looking frantic and scurrying around the
office - that's me. Please be kind.
Dave Khan	
One small fish...
K
ead this, very important.
Cindy Crawford is enrolled
t UBC. Isn't that great?
Ok, it's just the boring Senate
article... but the Senate can affect
your life. For example: the outrageous tuition increases for the
new accelerated MBA program.
Or, more importantly, the FULL
WEEK reading break/spring break
we will all be enjoying this year.
Both these things are Senate-related. Although to most students
the Senate is some nebulous entity floating around somewhere in
the upper reaches of the university bureauaatie, it does serve a
useful function. It governs all
academic aspects of the university. It is composed of nearly a
hundred members, including the
President, Chancellor and
Registrar, professors, and of
course students—one from each
faculty and several at-large
Senators. I represent the 4600 or
so science students. With this
large a constituency, I need input
from individuals. So if something
is pissing you off, or you have a
problem with your classes,
Telereg, the Library, the Registrar,
etc., then please let me know.
You can most likely find me in
the Science Undergraduate
Society office in Chem B160
(below the big lecture hall Chem
B150 in B-Block). If you don't
have luck there, then leave a note
in my box or email me at
sus@unixg.ubc.ca. This year the
student Senators have several
ideas on the agenda including a
universal exam bank resource
centre where copies of participating profs exams can be examined. Hope you all have a great
year, and don't forget—Friday
afternoons are reserved for SUS
bzzr gardens.
Ghostwriter
Blair here. I'm writing Anna's
blurb because she's off
inquiring about the real
meaning of "below the belt".
She's also giving guidance to
Tessa, who's currently freaking
out about the printer. I think
Tessa's a bit unstable, personally.
Anna wants to know if we
should talk about the United Way
Campaign, since it's apparently
going on. She's muttering something about needing to raise over
12,000% more than last year. I
hear Tessa whining about the
printer. Oh well, I'm going to
ignore her for now.
Tug of War September 22nd, says
Anna, by the Cairn (2-5pm). She's
not actually speaking in complete
sentences, so forgive me if this
gets a bit choppy.
We're all laughing at Tessa now.
She just kissed the printer. Dear
lord.
I'm also supposed to mention
the apr6s tug of war hot tub
party. Anna will be the one turning into a giant prune.
Anyways, that's all for now.
Maybe Anna will actually write
the next blurb herself.
Deanna Braaksma
Chancellor of the Exchequer
We don't actually have money of our own quite yet, but
thanks to all you wonderful Science students who paid $10
of your student fees to us. We'll be receiving your cash in
October, so in the meantime, we are spending money from an AMS
loan.
I have submitted this budget to the AMS, and printed it here to give
you a better idea of what exactly we spend your money on. If you
have any questions or suggestions, or you just want to chat, I'm usually in the SUS Office, Monday, Wednesday and Friday early in the
morning.
REVENUE
Prior fiscal
2000
Fees
45000
Misc revenue
100
Photocopier revenue
2300
Pop revenue
2200
TOTAL
51600
EXPENSES
Telephone
720
Office supplies
600
Miscellaneous
1000
Photocopying
600
Travel
200
Photocopier expense
3000
Open House expense
500
Computing
500
Public Relations
200
Elections expense
800
Club grants
6400
Special projects
1200
Pop machine expense
2300
Academic
500
Academic entertainment
700
Social (net)
3500
Science Week (net)
4000
First year committee
1000
SUS Sports
10000
SUS Publications
8000
Summer Edition
4000
Martin Fruaedorf bursary
1000
TOTAL
50720
NET SURPLUS (DEFICIT)
880
SUS Report
Thursdays at 5:30pm
on Bork! Bork! Boric!
CtTR 101.9
Bella Carvalho
Whaddya mean... school?
Greetings, earthlings!
Welcome back from your
much deserved, and I'm
sure, too short summer vacation!
It's September, and we all know
what that means! Yes, it's time to
trade that social life in for textbooks and labcoats. Kinda reminiscent of selling your soul to the
devil, isn't it?
But, fortunately, there is an up
side to this bleak season of torture and torment we see before
us! SUS is back in full swing, and
ready to make your school year as
enjoyable as those cruel courses
will allow, (why won't telereg let
you be a student without registering in any courses? They get in ,
the way of all the things I want to
do!)
But I digress. As I said, SUS has a
number of events planned for
this year. The very next one coming up is Oktoberfest, which will
be in the SUB ballroom on
October 6th.
Another big went will be
Science Week, the biggest, bestest
week on campus. There's lots of
stuff planned, and lots to do. If
you want to help out, *nd be part
of preparing the just-gosh-darn-
most spectacular week on campus, drop by SUS, and talk to me!
<recruit mode ofl>
Well, I could tell you about all
the exciting things I do as ExVP,
but since you can read about
Social events in Mart's article, and
AMS reports in Anna's or Tessa's,
and since I doubt you all want a
detailed description of how to
book a room in the SUB, I'll just
go back to my chemistry* problems and allow you folks to continue on with the rest of the
paper. Besides, I don't really
believe anyone reads these exec
reports. In fact:, I'm sure of it.
Blair makes me write one every
issue, and then shoves them to
the back of the paper! If there is
anyone out there who reads
these, please let me know. Or
next issue I'm going to fill my
space with random words of various languages! (Tee hee)
*isn't there some rule about
making a calculus course and
naming it Chem? that can't be
legal. It's cruel, I tell ya! You take
a course, expecting chem, and
Math 200 jumps out at ya. It's
just not right... PAGE EIGHT
THE POUR THIRTY TWO
20 SEPT 1995
Life.
Something terrible happened
to me over the summer. Most
people have relative understandings of the meaning of the
word terrible, but what happened
to me is so universally terrible
that I think everyone will understand. It's one of those things
that has happened to almost
everyone out there and will happen to everyone else barring
some very unusual circumstances.
So now that I have your curiosity
up and running rampant, I guess
I have to tell you what this horrible event was. It happened on
August 13th. I turned 20.
At this time, everyone out there
who is not aged 20 ± 4 months
has let out a huge groan and is
turning their attention to the
cover comic, another article, or
worse yet, their prof's lecture.
So what's the big deal with turning 20? For starters, you aren't a
teenager anymore. When they
said that I was responsible
enough to drive at age 16,1 wasn't concerned because I knew better and disappeared for days at a
time. When they said I was
responsible enough to vote at 18,
I snickered and voted twice in the
federal election to show my irresponsibility. When they said I
was responsible enough to drink
at age 19,1 laughed and finished
off the whiskey I had bought the
day before.
But now I'm 20. And I am
responsible. I find myself pondering deep philosophical stuff like:
Does life has meaning? Given the
supposed existence of a compassionate God, how can the church
account for the immeasurable
suffering in the world? Why do
the bad guys make the most
money and get all the girls? Is
there more bzzr in that keg?
When you're 20, things dawn on
you that you really should have
realized a long time ago. Stuff like
the fact that I've been living on
my own since I was 17. That's
three years without my parents.
You'd think that you might
notice that kind of thing quicker.
Then there's the stuff that you've
known all the time but have just
realized. (Known = People told
you at an early age. Realized =
You figured it out by yourself.)
Stuff like: Sweet stuff really is bad
for you, the government really is
comprised of lying self-serving
bastards, you can pronounce
"pizza" no matter how drunk you
get, love is worth both the time
and the effort, skipping classes
and/or showing up for classes
drunk isn't conducive to higher
and better grades, and life doesn't
suck; it's just life.
So what wisdom has my aged
bestowed upon myself? Not
much. I'm afraid I'm still just as
alone and confused in this world
as the rest of you. <Pulitzer
moment> That's why I'm offering, at a special discount price,
The Official 432 Life Compass. It's
tells you everything you need to
do with your pathetic existence
on this planet. No decision making required, it tells you what to
do and when to do it. No thinking required, yes, it takes all the
pain, anguish and confusion out
of reality.
Enough of that blatant plug and
on with the rest of my article.
Being 20 isn't just about dropping
the suffix "teen" from your age.
It's about changing how you look
at the world. Everything is just
that extra bit surreal (as if my life
needed it). You start pondering
where you will be in a few years,
like: Will I have a job?
Will I have a degree? Will
I have a wife? Will I have
a life? Will I even be
alive? Or will I be forced
to wear a purple foam
dinosaur costume and
sing to kids on national
television to make
enough money to eat?
(As if he does it willingly...)
I guess I might have to
change my career plan of
winning the lottery at 23
and retiring in Barbados.
I think I may have to
take a realistic and/or
rational approach to life.
Last year I would have panicked
had I said something like that.
And although the reflex action to
scream, run to the Pit, and necessitate another student loan is
strong, I'm going to have to
choke my pride and admit it: I've
grown up.
There's no way around it: John is
a responsible adult. A responsible
adult with an aspiration to take
over the world and place everyone in forced labour camps manufacturing spatulas, but a responsible adult none-the-less.
Now I must ask you to leave me
alone to contemplate my grown-
up-ness with my friends. They're
so understanding and they buy
me so much bzzr. Hey, we can't
be responsible all the time, can
we? Pass the bzzr...
SCIENCE
SPORTS
Science Sports teams now forming
for all leagues and events.
Deadline for most teams Is Sept 22
Rebates available.
Contact Nareeta and check out
the Sports Board in SUS
SUS Elections
Nominations extended to Sept 22
Positions still available
Hand nomination forms to Jay Garcia*
(*And if democracy doesn't work, we're considering trying a theocracy.)
Also needed:
Social Coordinator
Internal Vice President
Sales Staff
Sports Reps
Talk to Tracy for more info.
SUS • CHEM B160

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