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UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 22, 2005

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22nd FEBRUARY 2005
■  ■
a mwA m®\?(B*««
'I can do it. I will do it nine times!'
-Strong Bad
The Canadian Air Force Reveals
Plans For Avian Operative Training
Budget cuts put pressure on innovative alternatives
Another  Canadian  beach  was  hit
today   when   the   Canadian   Air
Force targeted it for their new
goose-missile tests.
"I was looking out over the beach, into the
deep blue sky above the scintillating
waves. Suddenly, I saw a small "V" pattern
in the sky. The "V" got bigger until I was
able to resolve it into fourteen large geese.
They were carrying something under their
The idea was derived by Lt. Frank Crane,
of the R&D department. "We looked to history to improve the future," he commented, "one learns a lot about flight when one
looks to the masters of flight, the birds."
The eloquent Lt. Crane showed us rejected
blueprints of doves and homing pigeons.
When asked to comment, he claimed that
homing pigeons were obsolete. "When one
has the power of the triple-W, one needs
not the outdated pigeon to relay one's message across an unfathomable distance.
Plus, a homing pigeon is incapable of "448-
bit Blowfish" encryption."
With regards to goose-testing, the bird is
regarded by the Air Force as the next F-15,
with a possibility of being upgraded to
"Official Mascot" status. As one pilot told
us, "They're vicious, they're keen, they
travel great distances in groups, and
they're hard to take down." But what about
"448-bit Blowfish" encryption? "They can
blow fish right out of the water," was the
generic response.
Four thousand geese are being genetically
altered by the Canadian Air Force. The
geese undergo radiation therapy each day
for five hours, thereby causing chance
mutations that have an excellent chance of
being advantageous. "Look at this specimen," said Lt. Crane, picking up the avian
equivalent of a Spitfire VB, "she was hardly five months old when we exposed her to
the radium, and now she has grown a completely bulletproof chest." When stimulated to honk, the goose produced a sound
reminiscent of an air-raid siren.
What does the Air Force hope to achieve
through these genetic geese?
The "Double G" program (working project
title) aims to provide strategic carpet
bombing, kamikaze attacks and long-range
scouting services to the ailing Canadian
military. They are already turning profits,
albeit through our neighbours. It is a speculation that Dubya from the South has
ordered some geese for various missions:
- carpet bombers for newly planned Iran
- kamikaze specialists for strong-arming
the Kyoto accord.
- scout geese to keep tabs on Cheney when
he goes undercover.
What is the fate of our Air Force, wondered a small boy as he watch the latest
beach being turned into a crater. For this
little boy, we offer comfort: If the project
fails, we can always rely on our Sea Kings
to replace the geese at any time!
99 Missing in B-line Tragedy
Bus service drops, death toll rises
As torrential rains, snow and harsh
conditions bombarded the UBC
campus in January, one of the
hardest hit areas was the new temporary
bus loop situated behind the SRC. The
effects of the erosion culminated in the
tragedy that occurred Monday, as a sinkhole in the bus-loop swallowed up a busload of students.
Even as early as last month, concerns over
the safety of the bus loop were raised
amidst an increasing number of student
injuries caused by cracked asphalt projectiles. "Bits of asphalt were constantly being
sprayed into the air," recalls one student
who lost a finger at the bus loop.
Original construction of the busloop
began late last summer and lasted for
about 3 hours. A spokesperson for the
company hired to pave the busloop
declined to comment.
Following Monday's sink-hole incident
Plant Ops investigators and rescuers have
worked hard to salvage the missing bus
and its riders. One search-and-rescuer
shares his experience, "It was terrible. You
could hear the students cramming to get to
one end of the bus. They were clawing and
screaming and crying... then we realized
we were saving the wrong bus, it was just
a regular jam-packed B-line. By the time
we found the real sinking bus, it was
already fully submerged."
As time wore on, the rescue mission
turned into a salvage operation. Student
lists were compared to identify the missing
commuters. "At the end of the day, we had
94 missing persons, so we gathered up a
couple extra students wandering around
and pushed them into the sink-hole. You
know, just so we could have an even 99...
99 dead on the 99! It's pretty catchy, no?"
The cause of the accident is still unknown,
although the investigation is still in its
early stages. Police and Plant Ops say that
speed was likely a factor, but will need to
await recovery of the bus' black box
recorder to confirm their suspicions.
Sex and the City
Reading beak adventures in San Francisco        	
      Page 3
Fame and Fortune
Student leadership & Faculty teachinq awards    	
      Page 4
SUS Executive Elections
Check out the Dositions and nomination forms     	
       Paae 8
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.cheston.com/pbf/)
give Vincenzo a very
very sweet deal...
If you knowwha+ I mean. Page Two
22nd February 2005
Wholesome Chocolately Arousal
Volume Eighteen
Issue Nine
22nd February 2005
Jon Lam
Jon Lam
Jen Ross
Jo Krack
Kathleen Marshall
Kiran Bisra
Lisa Frey
Andrew Thamboo
Patricia Lau
Courtney Campbell
Varun Ramraj
The Half Shaved Cheat
Nicholas Gurewitch
Stephen Notley
Printed by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
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Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
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Jo Krack
Life is sweet
~r Trappy Belated Valentine's! Hope you all
I I took advantage of my favourite holiday
JL JLperiod, "Half-Price Chocolate Week!"
(I'll give you a hint it starts on February 15fh,
and it's like Boxing Week, except more specialized.) Unfortunately, while Valentine's is also
celebrated in Japan, the shopkeepers seem a little better at predicting chocolate sales; as a result,
there is much less leftover chocolate, and when
it does go on sale, it's usually only about 10% off.
Which is really a shame, because the sheer variety of Valentine's chocolates in Japan is both
mind-boggling and mouth-watering and those
special chocolates are rarely as available once the
holiday is over.
Apart from the discrepancy in the degree of
choco-madness, there are a few other significant
ways in which Valentine's Day in Japan is celebrated differently than in Canada. For one, the
direction of gift-giving Valentine's is an occasion for women to give chocolate to men, not the
other way around. (My Japanese friends are first
surprised when I tell them we have Valentine's
in Canada too, and then even more surprised to
find that the women are the ones getting the
chocolate!) Besides giving chocolate to their
boyfriends, many women also give chocolate to
their bosses or male coworkers; in my case, I
gave a small package of chocolates each to two
of my bosses, and presented a larger box of
chocolates to my coworkers as a whole.
But what about the poor women? Should they
be expected to give chocolate and receive noth
ing in return? Of course not. To balance out the
gift-giving March 14th has been designated as
' White Day," in which it is the man's turn to give
a gift to his sweetheart. My friends report that
boyfriends are expected to spend more money
on White Day presents than their girlfriends
spent for them on Valentine's; for example,
instead of chocolate, a woman may receive jewelry or dinner at a fancy restaurant Bosses who
received chocolates from subordinates on
Valentine's are not exempt either; they usually
return the favour with cookies, and my coworker tells me that the standard rule of thumb is that
the cookies should be worth three times as
much as the chocolates were! Now I wish I'd
picked out fancier chocolates for my bosses...
Men who receive a lot of chocolates on Valentine's Day get bragging rights, whereas those
who receive none may be teased about it In
addition, a man who feels like having some
chocolate on February 14th better hope he
receives some, because it's considered pretty
embarrassing to be seen buying yourself chocolates on that day! Women, on the other hand,
can always pretend they're buying it for their
boyfriends. Based on my buying habits, I probably have the store near my house totally convinced that I'm keeping a considerable male
As long as I'm talking about chocolate, I might
as well ask: has anyone in Canada figured out
that green tea and chocolate go well together?
For example, try mixing a teaspoon or so of bitter green tea powder in with your hot chocolate.
I will be bringing mass quantities of green tea
powder home! I've also discovered these
absolutely divine green-tea-chocolate truffles
over here and it's heartbreaking to think that I
might not be able to enjoy them when I return
home. I don't even know where the green tea
ends and the chocolate begins: they are tiny little
cubes of deliciousness, dusted in bright-green
green tea powder and ready to melt the moment
they enter your mouth. I haven't been able to
pause long enough to lick off the green tea powder and examine whether that's regular chocolate or green-tea-flavoured chocolate underneath. .. guess I'll just have to buy some more.
Never let it be said that I shirked my duties as a
For the less discerning (or for those on a budget), there is also green-tea-flavoured Kit Kat
Let me tell you, it's almost freaky to see a Kit Kat
bar in that shade of green. I would describe the
taste as "white chocolate with a hint of green
tea," which doesn't make me a fan, since I don't
consider white chocolate to be chocolate (if you
hadn't guessed by now, I'm a bit of a purist).
Also, the green-tea Kit Kat is incredibly sweet,
which is odd since that's a common Japanese
criticism of Western chocolate...
Anyway, certain sweets are only available during certain seasons over here, and the green-tea
Kit Kat appears to be a "winter" thing. As does
"Asse," another wintertime chocolate... I don't
know how sales are doing but perhaps due to a
lack of English skills, consumers don't appear to
have a problem with consuming chocolate that
proclaims itself to be Asse. I, on the other hand,
will stick to such favourites as "Crunky" and
"Dars." I also like the chocolate-covered almonds
that come in a box with David Beckham's face
plastered on it; you'd be surprised which celebrities are doing product endorsements over here,
safe in the belief that no one back home will ever
know. But that's material for another column...
joining The 10m High Club
Jon Lam
Fetch me a towel, slave!
Me and Cam had such a good time last night... It was a bit
rough but it was so good. I haven't had such a good
workout in a long time. We must've been high on
adrenaline for quite a while afterwards. Everything started out
innocently enough: a game of mafia, a groundless accusation, and
things just escalated from there. Maybe it was the from all that
pre-drinking me and Kiran did (yeah, we pre-drink for mafia
nights). Before you knew it, Cam's pants were off. I wanted to
wait a bit later when there were fewer people around to bother us
but Cam wanted to do it right then and there. The mafia crew
were with us: Jon Adair, Kiran, Lisa, Patricia, Christa, and Mika;
they were gonna watch us do it and cheer us on. Jon Adair even
brought his first aid kit too, you know, in case we got too excited
and hurt ourselves. After a quick discussion between myself and
Cam (I'm sure Kiran would've wanted more discussion), we
decided there was no time like the present. We climbed over each
other, took off our clothes and went for it. Cam went in front and
I lined up behind him until I went for the plunge. After we were
done, we put our clothes back on, except for our underwear
because they were really wet. We met up with everyone who
was watching and they congratulated us on our impressive performance. I was pretty sore after that, especially my neck and
my ass, probably because of the position I was in. Apparently,
when I went in, I slipped forward at an angle and ended up in a
weird position. Eventually people had to go home though. Me,
Cam, Jon Adair, Lisa, Christa and Kiran ended up going back to
Gage and played heated games of Twister for hours. It was so fun
and ... twisty, especially all those 'awkward' positions we found
ourselves in. Undoubtedly though, Jon Adair was the Twister
King. He dominated all of us with his limber body and extremely
long... legs. We left a little while after that, thoroughly exhausted
from a night of mafia, Twister and sneaking into Empire Pool to
jump off the 10m diving board.
Why? What did you think we did?
Be It known tkrouglv
out the land that In
Volume 18, Issue 8 of
SUje   432,
Dan Anderson was
with? nothing. At this
tlrnie, we would like to
reniedv this injustice
j>y contenting upon
nlrni, the title of
Integrated Science Student Association (ISSA) Presents...
The 2nc* annual conference
for students in life sciences:
£ Opportunities for future jobs and graduate studies-
March 19th, 2005
Seating is limited so reserve your seat today.
Contact sfh@interchange.ubcca
and visit www.ams.ubcca/clubs/issa for more info
U    Integrated Sciences Program
•f Making Connections in Science
i 22nd February 2005
Page Three
Love Birds and Shit
Lisa Frey
Amore in America
(San Francisco, CA)
Valentine's Day for me is rather like
Thanksgiving for the Indians -
while one group of people is celebrating their good fortunes, it is the commemoration of misery for another. Let's
just say, I couldn't bare the thought of
spending another February 14th according
to my usual routine (alone with a bottle of
bad wine, a Barry White album and a fresh
pack of batteries), so I headed off with
some other desperate loners to the city of
free love, sexual ambiguity and Full
Expecting to be greeted by glitz, glamour
and flagrant displays of liberalism, we
embarked on our journey. Fueled by nothing but optimism and twenty grams of airline snack mix, we claimed our bags and
took our first breaths of the scrumptious
Unfortunately, the reception was anything but the warm and homosexual.
Under the glare of the American flag, we
waited for the airport train. We step into an
Orwellean nightmare.
"Step away from the doors. You are
delaying the departure of this train." A
cold, officious robobitch tells us through
the loudspeakers. We draw our shabby
baggage yet closer to our bodies, away
from the unforgiving sensor, and shudder.
Two stops later, we transfer to the Bay
Area Rapid Transit (B.A.R.T). We sit down
on the futuristic, virtually empty train.
Kiran leans over and whispers in my ear,
"Hey Lisa, isn't it scary that any of these
people could be carrying a gun right now?"
That doesn't help. A dirty man wearing
very baggy clothing coughs and pats his
jeans absentmindedly. I hope to God it is
an erection I am glimpsing in his pocket.
We began to observe the ads on the train.
"WHOSE BAG?" one poster screams, with
an unattended suitcase being eyed out of
the corner of two very sinister brown eyes.
We are told that our voice and image are
being recorded at all times, and that failure
to comply with instructions will place us at
the mercy of the "B.A.R.T. Police" - which
is complete with its own S.W.A.T. Team
and Canine Unit. In grotesque, sci-fi fashion, we are suspended in fear of authority
and surveillance. We tear our eyes away,
only to be bombarded by warnings about
dead babies, from anti-abortion ads to
frightening figures about the frequency of
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Kiran decides to film a bit of the train as
part of our deliriously egocentric trip
chronicle. "Look Mommy, this is me
drinking a Snapple.   This is me tying my
shoelace. Now look Mommy, here we are
on the fancy train thingy."
Without warning, a gruff, gangly man
leaps out of his seat and starts waving his
hands angrily. He staggers over to Kiran
and violently grunts, "Hey you! Stop filming!" Terrified, she slips the camera back
into its case. "I don't wanna be on no goddamn camera. I don't know who the hell
you are!"
We muse which America's Most Wanted
psychopath he might be and spend the rest
of the trip staring at the floor. Where were
the flamboyant gay couples, the washed-
up Hippies and the California sun? Had
we made a terrible mistake?
The trip continued in about the same fashion. Our "luxurious" Hotel Ramada is situated between two competing 25-cent peep
show stores and a 7-11 that still had the
"Police Line Do Not Cross" tape around it.
To avoid venturing outside, we order in
cold Chinese takeout and spend the rest of
the night bitching about the University of
British Columbia Okanagan with our three
sexy Asian male companions. Except for
the perpetual terror, we almost forget we
have left Vancouver.
Jon discovers his bag has been searched
by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Finding out that the iron he brought to
press his pants was indeed not a bomb,
they decided to take their failure out on the
most breakable item in his suitcase. As Jon
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unpacks, the friendly disclaimer (informing him that he could not sue for any damages incurred during the unauthorized
search) spills onto the floor. Along with
his bent sunglasses, of course.
The next day we awake slightly hung over
and groggily discover sweet and sour
sauce in some rather curious orifices. We
decide to give the city a chance in the daylight. After two or three hours, Kiran
decides upon which accessories make her
butt look cutest, and manages to capture it
on film. "Look Mommy, this is me with the
fuscia nail polish and matching silk purse."
Upon arrival, we learn that the museums
in Golden Gate Park are under construction until next Spring. The guys decide
that they want to walk across the entire
bridge, presumably in order to assert their
masculinity. Unimpressed, Kiran and I
give up part way through, and decide to
hang out near the suicide phones and see if
we can't watch a jumper or two in the act.
No such luck.
The guys return, haggard and beaming
with a pathetic sense of accomplishment.
We all agree that some bondage and handcuffs might just be the thing to rescue the
day, but the Alcatraz tour is sold out. We
head downtown, but the Exploratorium is
closed on Mondays.
Avenues all but exhausted, we decide to
just unwind and enjoy the eccentric,
bohemian atmosphere of Fisherman's
Wharf. Jon and I visit the sea lions and
learn that marine life is a lot more enjoyable if you stand upwind of it. The five of
us skip down the beach, arm in arm, with
our hair blowing in the wind. The sea
breeze gentle caresses our skin and I glance
over at Kiran and noticing her perfectly
colour-coordinated, sexy outfit, I flash her
a great big, genuine grin.
Her pants are covered in pigeon shit. She
starts to cry as they no longer match her
accessories. "I should have worn the c-c-c-
Her loud sobs frighten away the sea lions.
Again, we return to our hotel room before
the hookers can take over the street, this
time covered in more excrement than we
left with. Some of us pitch in for overpriced hotel porn. In order to preserve the
innocence of my trip-mates, I go take a
cold shower.
Except that I never intended the shower to
be cold. Our hot water is broken.
Copious amounts of eyelash-batting earn
us the unexpected: we are upgraded to a
fancy suite, overlooking Market Street!
Now we can watch real life porn in the
alleyway across from our window. Our
swank new comforters are darker (we suspect to better hide the stains), and the bathroom door even shuts this time.
The guys come over and we regroup: we
are going to have a great time in the city of
free love, if it kills us.
If I learned anything on our little adventure, it's to always look on the bright side.
We never did see a flamboyant gay couple,
but we did get to wake up to 'In the Navy'
several times on the local radio station.
The wretched, homeless man who threw
glass bottles at us is lucky enough to live in
a land of democracy and freedom. We
never did get any California sunshine after
the birdshit afternoon, but the miserable
weather did give us a good excuse to huddle together for body warmth. And hey,
the beach vendor clam chowder tasted
almost as good coming back up as it did
going down.
Despite our setbacks, we almost drank
enough to forget them. And the best part
of all is that even though I didn't get laid
this Valentine's Day, I did get to spend it
with the person I care about most.
Me. Page Four
22nd February 2005
I Can't Believe
It's Not Apple!
Jen Ross
Queen of Chemical Cuisine
Chemical No-Apple Apple Pie
Cook up a storm with this chemical pie! It smells and
tastes like an apple pie, but there are no apples in the
recipe. Get ready to trick your senses and enjoy this tasty
experiment with artificial flavouring. Thanks to
www.yesmag.ca and GEERing Up! UBC Engineering &
Science for Kids for the recipe.
You will need:
• Pre-made pie crust
• 1.5 cups [375mL] sugar
(sucrose, C22H22O21)
• 1.5 tsp [7.5mL] cream of tartar
(potassium bitartrate, KHC4H4O6)
• 25 unsalted crackers (saltines)
• Cinnamon
• 1 tsp [5mL] butter
Pre-bake the pie crust as instructed on the box, then preheat oven to 400° F. Mix the sucrose and potassium bitar-
tate, then slowly add the mixture to 2 cups of boiling
water, stirring. Lay the crackers carefully into the boiling
solution, and boil 3 minutes without stirring. Carefully
pour the filling into the pie crust. Sprinkle with cinnamon;
dab butter evenly over the filling. Bake for 15 minutes,
then enjoy!
This pie looks and tastes like apple pie, but it contains no
apples. The cream of tartar produces a weak acid which
combines with other ingredients to produce the tangy
taste of apples. This acid, combined with the pieces of
solid cracker, closely resembles the taste and appearance
of apple pie. Bon appetite!
Steve "More"
Kathleen Marshall
Where has all the hockey gone?
I don't know what it feels like to be Steve Moore, but I
sure know what it feels like to be an avid hockey fan
who is tired of hearing about him. While all of us in
Vancouver regret the unfortunate events that unfolded on
March 8th, 2004 at GM Place, and we all wish him a complete recovery, it is hard to sympathise with somebody
who snivels so loudly.
We all saw the clip of Moore being sucker punched in the
head - if you live in Vancouver you've seen it more times
than you've seen Brent Sopel score in his own net. We've
seen the neck brace, read the articles, sat through tear-
inducing press conferences, suffered through Bertuzzi's
indefinite suspension and harrowing court appearance,
and now we're supposed to sit back and chant "Moore!
More! Moore!" as our beloved power forward gets
dragged to court again? Well, I suppose we should look on
the bright side - at least this time Bertuzzi won't be alone;
he will be joined by friends Marc Crawford, Brian Burke
and Brad May.
Brad May is presumably being dragged through the mud
for the following comment, made in early March: "There's
definitely a bounty on [Moore's] head. It's going to be fun
when we get him." Just how much Moore expects to profit from a "Slapshot" quote remains uncertain.
What we do know is that he expects to profit.
Bertuzzi's ban has already cost him over $500,000 US in
salary - that is about $75, 000 more than Moore made last
season. In addition, Bertuzzi pleaded guilty in court in
December, so it is not as if he is attempting to deny the
gravity of the situation.
Dragging Bertuzzi through a civil suit is a further irritation, albeit a slightly expected one; dragging the entire
Canucks organization through the mud at a time when the
ground is falling out from beneath the NHL seems to me
to be completely uncalled for.
Please don't get me wrong -1 do feel for Steve Moore, his
teammates and his family; I wish him a complete recovery
and a happy, healthy, and hockey-filled life. However I
wish a hockey-filled life for Bertuzzi as well as all NHL
players and fans. This is an undeniably difficult period for
all parties mentioned, and as such I can't help but feel that
when it comes to whining and complaining and suing, for
the moment, less is "moore."
Room Managers for the
SUS Office and Lounge
Anyone interested in this
position of
S        /MMEtfS£ POWER
is encouraged to visit the-
office/lounge in LSK 202
and talk to the existing
'oom managen
' :;
' ■■
'  :
■ ■
; :
: ■
: r-
The Science Undergraduate Society Presents
The SUS Student Leadership Award
This $250 award is available to any science student who has shown exemplary leadership and contribution to
the community. To be eligible, the student must be enrolled in the faculty of science, and have a minimum 65%
average for the current year. Students may nominate themselves. To apply, please fill out a nomination form and
attach a recent resume. All nominations are to be submitted to the VP Internal (mailbox in LSK, room 202) no
later than 4:32pm on Wednesday March 16th, 2005. Nominees may also be ashed to attend an interview with the
SUS Academic Committee. Please note that SUS councillors are not eligible for this award.
The SUS Teaching Excellence Award
This award is intended to recognize outstanding teaching within the Faculty of Science. Students may nominate instructors from any course offered within science. To apply, please fill out a nomination form. All nominations are to be submitted to the VP Internal (mailbox in LSK, room 202) no later than 4:32pm on Wednesday
March 16th, 2005.
Nomination forms are available from the SUS Office and Lounge (LSK 202)
For more information, please contact the
VP Internal (Andrew Thamboo) at andrewth83@hotmail.com 22nd February 2005
Page Five
Women Just Want An Extra Pair Of Hands
Kinky Kanadian Kiran
Likes her discussions long
Awhile ago, I went to "CSPA Presents: LOL Night". Mainly because
I had to, since I organized the event
- but also because it was a hell of a lot of
fun. For those who didn't come out, may
the gods plague your house with a thousand skanky whores (unless you like that
sort of thing, in which case, a thousand sex
crazed monkeys. Unless you like that sort
of thing, in which case we're glad you didn't show up). The night featured a taped
comedy routine by Dave Chapelle. At one
point he says, "There are no hundred ways
to please your man. That list is four things
long: suck his dick, play with his balls, fix
him a sandwich, and don't talk so much.
Then they gonna be happy." As the audience laughs uproariously, Lisa turns to me
and whispers, "Hell, isn't that what women
I don't know when or where it was that
society decided that women like cuddling,
talking, and roses, and that all men want is
a good sucking. It is almost like we were
brainwashed into believing that those
stereotypes are true and that we must all
aspire to mold to them.
Young boys grow up with the idea that
sex is something that they need like food.
TV, movies, comic books, and the internet
all send the message: "Get laid, you stupid
idiot, before your penis goes on strike
because it has gotten disappointed too
many times." But come on, any guy with a
hand, a Victoria Secret catalogue and a bottle of Jergens can orgasm. Women just
slow down the process. Nobody is a mind
reader; only you know how you want to be
stroked, sucked, or caressed next. All
women add to the equation is an emotional/mental component. Men want women to
stimulate their minds. The dick they could
do on their own.
Back in the day when women stayed
home, took care of the kids, and didn't see
a single other soul besides their husband
for weeks at a time, they wanted to talk to
their husbands. Now, women have jobs,
have interests, and have lives which they
fill with people who intellectually and
emotionally stimulate them. They have
male friends who offer them a guy's perspective, female friends who offer a girl's
perspective, and gay friends who offer
them a night out that they will never forget. Like goes to like and women who love
to talk have found someone who also loves
to talk. Politics, love, religion, movies, children - everyone has a friend who specializes in each area. In this modern world
where convenience governs all, women
can talk to someone twenty four-seven on
the internet. MSN messenger is like Viagra
for women.
So, after talking all day at your highly
interactive, "team building atmosphere"
workplace to your coworkers,  to your
Want to be famous?
THE 432!!!
It's easy! Send your
submissions to
the432 @gmail.com
child's sixth grade teacher who strongly
believes in communicating with the parents on a "regular basis", to your retired
mother who has an excellent long distance
calling plan (thanks to Fido), to your
friends who have sworn to stand by you no
matter what, to your MSN buddy in
Kenya, why the hell would you want to
come home and talk to your couch potato,
football-watching husband who hasn't
read a book since first year university?
Come on ladies, when was the last time
your boyfriend said something remotely
interesting, meaningful, or even thoughtful. Of course we all nod, smile, and say
something encouraging when they say
something stupid, but that is only because
it is the polite thing to do. How many
times has he opened his mouth and you
have thought, "Oh god, how is it possible
for him to walk and chew gum at the same
time with that IQ." Smart guys know this,
this is why they say very little. They know
that opening their mouth will only lead to
trouble. Quite frankly, women don't really
care what men say anyways. We have
people in our lives who can relate to us better, can offer us better advice, and can
make us laugh harder.
So, why do women want men? Simple -
cock. Women can orgasm on their own,
but like hoeing the field, it is just so much
easier when you have an extra pair of
hands to do the dirty work. Women just
claim to like the talking because then they
don't feel dirty or guilty when they ask
him to do certain things that I will leave to
your imagination.
Men are starting to realize this. When,
after a couple of months of dating, their
girlfriends have never once said anything
remotely personal, guys feel this overwhelming need to start "sharing" their feelings. Guys know that sex toys are replaceable, but an emotional crutch is more permanent.
So, now you have all these relationships
where the guy wants to talk about his
childhood, while the girl is sitting there
thinking "Can we get to the fun stuff yet? I
have an early morning meeting..." We
have people in our lives that we have
already talked to about our childhoods - all
we want from you is a little pickle tickle.
Talking to us just slows us down, and
makes us think twice about sleeping with
you. Just sit there and look pretty, that is
all we ask.
Mr. Chapelle, there are no hundred ways
to please your women. Make her dinner,
mow the lawn, kill the spiders, open the
jars and most importantly, suck her tit, lick
her clit, and shut the fuck up!
Please note the thoughts and opinions
expressed in this article do not necessarily
reflect those of the Coordinated Science
Program Alumni club. In fact, several of
our social events and most of our academic events do not involve mutual oral
rr    tt
Where's   Everyone   Going?
Chemi s try
Forum  2005
Employers Attending:
AnorMED Inc. - Dr. Ernie McEachern
Creo inc. - Dr. Graham Darling
Cardiome Pharma - Dr. James Yee
ALS Chemex - Ms. Michele Ramshaw
BCIT Forensics - Mr. Edwin Chan
Angiotech - Dr. Leanne Embree
Merck Frosst-Dr. Erich Grimm
Xenon Pharmaceuticals - Ms. Marian Hakze
Free  Admission,   Breakfast,    &   Lunch
Upper   level   chemistry  courses   CANCELED
When:   Thursday,   March   3rd;   8:30am -   2:00pm
Where:   Cecil  Green  House,   UBC  Campus Page Six
22nd February 2005
SUS Executive Reports &. Info
Andrew Thamboo
VP Internal
It's amazing how fast this year is gone.
This being my last year on SUS and as
an undergrad at UBC, there comes a
time to reflect on one's time as a SUS member. Executive elections are just around the
corner and soon I will be just a regular joe.
I've met some amazing people in my four
years here doing SUS and I can confidently say that Science students have been very
lucky to have been under some great leadership. The likes of Sztopa, Yokom and
Lau have dedicated countless hours to Science students (sad part is that at least 6000
of the 7000 Science students don't know
who these people are).
I urge for new leaders to be a part of the
SUS executive. A lot of this year's executive is graduating and next year's SUS
council need 10 committed executive
members! Read that.10! Not 8 or 9 committed people but 10 committed people.
Being on the SUS executive is a sacrifice
one makes for Science students. You need
to be willing to lose a Friday and put on
events for Science students. Stay up until
2am cleaning up (and then head to Mcdonald's to make a mountain of fries). Skip
classes. Do whatever falls under your
portfolio but also to help in the jobs of
EVERY other executive job. The sacrifices
one makes are because one is PROUD to be
a Science student at UBC. This is one hell
of a school because of the committed students who put in countless hours in doing
things for Science students. If you know
that you are one of these people, I urge you
to run for a position - TUUM EST.
Jonathan Lam
Director of Publications
Ahoy! I hope everyone's reading
break was full of... R... for reading...
or at least little of the other kind of
R&R. So what kind of news do I have? Not
much except that the second Paradigm of
the year is coming out soon!
That's right, we usually don't put out
more than one of these per year, but we're
feeling ambitious and we've got an awesome team of writers and editors who are
really excited to be putting another issue
out for you guys. So keep your eyes out for
that, or better yet, if you're interested in
writing some serious articles, get in touch
with the editors:
Of course, if serious writing isn't your
thing and you prefer writing humor, satire,
or just raw emotional ranting, then submit
something to the 432! We always welcome
new writers and new material, so give us
an email: the432@gmail.com
Last but not least, the exec elections! For
any of you out there who are interested in
running, go for it! It's a lot of fun and I
encourage anyone who has the interest
and the commitment to run for a position.
If you want my job... well you can have it!
Okay, well maybe it isn't that easy, but definitely drop by the SUS office and lounge
or give the execs an email and we'll be glad
to fill you in. Personally, I love talking
about myself and my job, so hit me up if
you're interested (in me or my job):
Wyne & Cheese
February 24, 2005^\.
Biology Building Room 2449
Free for members and faculty
Non-members $2
THt|OtntiaL   Publication   of   The    5licnc£
Are you interested in writing academic articles on science-related topics or
university issues in general?
oor prizes and good times}
RSVP: biosoc@shaw.c
Write for the Paradigm!
The Paradigm is an official publication put out by the Science Undergrad
Society that focuses on academic
issues and experiences.
For more information, feel free to
contact the Paradigm editors at:
rleung. theparadigm@gmail .com
jral Abu.
:ds To Another 19
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.cheston.com/pbf/)
STRIKE 3, CURLY. 22nd February 2005
Page Seven
SUS Executive Reports &. Info
Patricia Lau
Elections! Run and/or vote! If any
potential candidates have questions
about the positions that are open
please feel free to drop by the SUS Office at
LSK 202 to ask questions or you can email
me directly at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
In a few weeks there will be a survey coming out for all Science and Arts students on
campus. This survey, entitled the "Undergraduate Educational Experience Project"
is an initiative spearheaded by students in
Arts and Science and funded by the two
respective faculties. The survey will
address academic issues and many other
topics related to your undergraduate experience. This survey is meant to be an annual one that will serve as a report card of
sorts for the Faculties to see what needs to
be improved and what is doing better. The
survey results will also be made publically
available so that students can also see what
their peers think. This is your chance to get
your opinion heard'. The Faculties of Sci
ence and Arts are ready for your feedback
and are looking forward to improving
your experience. SUS and AUS are also
eager for theses results as they will help us
determine what your needs and wants are
so we can lobby them on your behalf. The
actual date that the survey will be made
available online has not been finalized yet
but keep your eyes and ears open
(www.sus.ubc.ca) for more info. Plus,
when you fill out the survey you have a
chance to win a $100 UBC Bookstore certificate!
And lastly, as many of you know, the
UBC-Okanagan institution will actually
begin offering classes September 2005.1 am
continually discussing the relationship
between the two campuses with the Dean
of Science and the AMS in an attempt to
clarify as many of the details as possible
(such as whether UBC-O and UBC-V
degrees will be distinct - word so far says
that they will be). If you have any questions about UBC-O or rumours you would
like cleared up feel free to contact me anytime. If I can't answer them I'd be happy to
ask the Dean on your behalf.
Courtney Campbell
Executive Secretary
Hello everyone...and by everyone I
mean the 5 people that will read
my thrilling exec report, tee hee.
So a little update on what I have been
doing with SUS. Well, I feel like I have
been doing a lot. We've had some new Science clubs interested in being constituted
with SUS, and so I have been trying to
work things out with them. We have had
lots of new councilors replace ones from
last term, so I have had lots of information
gathering and giving to do with them also.
And ever so recently and completely separate from my role as Executive Secretary
(I like to write out the title in full and capitalize it - makes me feel important), I was
appointed Elections Administrator (see I
did it again) for the 2005 Executive Elections. So there is a whole host of new
duties to go along with that which I have
been working on.
Well enough with my listing my SUS
workings (which is really just to show you
how busy I am so you will hopefully feel
bad for me, poor poor me) and onto the
juicy stuff. Code and Policy Meetings!!!
The first Code meeting of 2005 will be happening the 1st week of March. It's going to
be eventful and controversial, so if you are
interested in coming out and having your
opinion heard, please drop me an email for
more information:
Excellent. So in the meantime, make sure
you check out the Executive Elections
information and consider running - the
positions are open to all undergraduate
Science Students. Be sure to check out this
issue of the 432 for more details on the
available positions! And sadly, this is my
last year here at UBC (sniff sniff), so the
coveted Executive Secretary position needs
some really strangely keen organizational
weirdo candidates - and if you are actually
reading this, that could quite possibly be
YOU! tee hee :o)
~ Courtney
They say no news is good news...
Anna-Marie Bueno (ai_vi@msn.com)
Social Coordinator ... Nothing to report
Reka Pataky (repataky@interchange.ubc.ca)
Director of Finance ... Nothing to report
Vanessa Ho (vanniepants@hotmail.com)
Director of Sports ... Nothing to report
Mike Long
VP External
Justine Chan
PR Officer
Dave Riendl
Science Senator
(mj long@interchange.ubc. ca)
... No report submitted
... No report submitted
... No report submitted
The Science Undergraduate Society
Wants YOU to run in the
upcoming Executive Elections!
Positions Available:
"External Vice-President
"Internal Vice-President
"Executive Secretary
"Science Senator
"Director of Finance
"Director of Publications
"Director of Sports
"Social Coordinator
^Public Relations Officer
+ 3 AMS Council Representatives
Everyone Who Is Anyone Will be Running!
Who Can Run? -> ANY Science
Undergraduate Student!
Pick up a Nomination form from the
432 or www.sus.ubc.ca
Deadline for Nominations:
Tuesday March 1st at 4:32pm
Followed by a Mandatory All-Candidates Meeting
"note: except for President and VP External, You can run for both an Exec and AMS Rep position!
(See Page 8 for more details and nomination form) Page Eight
22nd February 2005
The Science Undergraduate Society presents...
The 2005 Executive Elections!
So you want to be a SUS executive? Think
you have what it takes? Well here's a brief
list of available positions and their responsibilities, ff you have any questions come
drop by the SUS Office and Lounge and
ask this year's exec! You can also reach the
elections administrator at:
*Act as the main spokesperson for the
"Preside over general meetings of the
Society and meetings of Council;
"Supervise and coordinate the Executive
of the Society;
* Be a non-voting member of all committees of Council, unless otherwise stated;
* To maintain communication with former
Executives of the Society; and
* To act as a liaison with the Faculty of Science and the Dean's Office.
External Vice-President:
"Co-ordinate the annual Science Week, to
take place during the second term of the
school year;
"Represent the Society to and act as chief
liaison with the AMS Student Council;
"Act as a liaison with all clubs and other
AMS constituencies and to keep Council
informed of their activities; and
* Chair Council Meetings in the absence of
the President.
Internal Vice-President:
* Coordinate all academic affairs of the
* Organize the Wine and Cheese and
Annual General Meeting; and
* Assist first year Science students in the
transition to university life
The Executive Secretary:
* Carry out all regular correspondence of
the Society;
* Send notice of forthcoming events to the
Faculty of Science;
* Record the minutes of the SUS Council
and Executive meetings, keep the minutes
on file in the Society's office, and forward a
copy of the minutes to the AMS
* Collect end of term reports from the
Executive and members of Council for the
Society files;
* Be responsible for the purchase and
maintenance of office supplies and equipment and have UBC bookstore signing
Director of Finance:
* Be responsible for the finances of the
* Be the sole signing officer of the Society's
main account;
* Submit all budgets as required by the
AMS Finance Commission;
* Obtain estimates of all proposed expenditures;
* Sign all requisitions of approved expenditures;
* Work in conjunction with the incoming
Director of Finance and the incoming President in preparing the budget for the following term of office;
Director of Publications:
* Be responsible for the publication of The
432, The Guide, The Paradigm.
* Be responsible for the creation and maintenance of the website of the Society;
* Assist in the production of all posters
and banners; and
* Ensure the publication of items for the
Society as requested by Council or the
Public Relations Officer:
* Inform Science students of employment
opportunities by acting as a liaison
between the Society and the UBC Students
Career Services, and/or any other student
employment office(s);
* Coordinate the charity events of the Society;
* Represent the Society to the AMS Grad
Class Council by organizing duties related
to the Grad Class Council including but
not limited to organizing the Science gift
submissions and Grad Fee Rebate and
advertising the Grad Class Council Annual General Meeting;
* Coordinate the graduation events hosted
by Science Clubs; and
* Approve any press releases to the media.
Director of Sports
* Promote the participation, on behalf of
the Society, of all Science students in UBCs
Intramural sports program;
* Lnform the 432 Editor of the activities of
the Sports Committee and of any exceptional performances by SUS athletes; and
* Provide rebates for Science teams/individuals who meet the criteria as set out by
the Sports Committee.
Social Coordinator:
* Organize, coordinate, and promote all
social functions of the Society:
* Coordinate the sale and distribution of
tickets for the Society's functions; and
* Coordinate advertising for the Society's
social events.
Science Senator:
"Attend all UBC Senate meetings during
his/her term of office
"Act as a liason between Science students
and the UBC Senate
"Work with other UBC Student Senators
to address issues pertinent to all students
AMS Council Representatives:
* Represent the Society, and represent the
interests of Science students in general;
* Give a report on behalf of the Society at
AMS Council meetings;
* Report to Council on the proceedings of
the AMS;
* Lnform members of the Society of the
proceedings of the AMS by both verbal
means and by a report in the 432.
* Ensure that a proxy is sent to AMS
Council on behalf of the representative in
the event that the representative is unable
to attend a meeting of AMS Council.
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