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The 432 Sep 7, 2004

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7th SEPTEMBER 2004
'Survey says: the Internet never lies!"
-The Internet
Little Blue Cow Stripped Of
Medal In Olympic Drug Scandal
Traces of bovine growth hormone detected
In a historic shocker, the Olympic debut
of the 100m milk curdles event has been
marred by yet another Olympic athlete
doping scandal. In an IOC press conference held Tuesday, Commissioner Johann
Ferguson announced the Committee's
decision to strip the Canadian athlete of
her gold medal due to a controversial doping violation. "We take drugs seriously. I
mean, we don't take the drugs ourselves,
but we do take them, er, seriously that is."
Before the announcement, the Little Blue
Cow denied ever using bovine growth hormone. "I would never do anything like
that at all! I honestly don't know how this
happened! Maybe it was my trainer, or my
dairy farmer! I mean, they could have put
it in my food without me knowing it! I'll
bet it was Monsanto!"
The Little Blue Cow finished first in the
100m milk curdle event on Saturday, setting a new personal best and shattering
previous records. Trouble came after the
event when the American athlete, who finished well out of the medal rankings, made
vehement accusations of doping infringe
ments. Rebecca Fernolive from the Candi-
an Olympic Comittee denied these accusations. "I don't know why the Americans
always have beef with us. We've gone
through the
drug      testing
already and
The Little Blue
Cow came out
clean. All of
our athletes
compete fairly
and these
accusations by
the American
Olympic Team
are just angry
attempts to
damage our
reputation and
integrity. If you
ask me, they're
the ones with a mad cow problem, not us
Unfortunately, this substance-abuse inci-     Reaction from these athletes was mixed.
the International Milk Curdling Championships, The Little Blue Cow was investigated for using banned substances. Anti-
doping officials at the time cited that "blue
was simply not
natural" and
demanded that
the Little Blue
Cow be subject
to drug tests.
The tests failed
to detect any
enhancers and
Canada went
on to win gold
at that competition.
With Canada
losing the gold
medal, India
moves to first
place in the
event, followed by Sweden and Brazil.
dent is not the first for the burgeoning
Canadian milk curdler.  Two years ago at
"I feel bad for The Little Blue Cow," said
fb drxgglfcsuiftfi:
szL ffK tr &&>■■£
the Brazillian bronze medalist. "I know
Canada really deserved the medal.
"It's always sad to hear about these kinds
of things. World-class athletes, people who
you look up to, associated with drug scandals... sad."
When asked about her new gold medal,
the Indian athlete replied, "Of course I am
happy. Ifs sad to hear what happened to
Canada, but I'd like to think I earned this
medal myself. Of course, it helps when
your country isn't trying to eat you all the
With this recent controversy surrounding
the Little Blue Cow, The Dairy Farmers of
Canada have released a statement today
withdrawing their endorsement and sponsorship support from The Little Blue Cow.
A senior official with the association told
us, "Our organization is committed to
excellence. We didn't feel that it was
appropriate, given the recent events, to
continue supporting this individual."
The association is currently making plans
to recruit other Little Blue animals for their
promotional campaigns.
hst \
VIM $Fyp*tt>MrMiex<>-
I Page Two
7th September 2004
Paperwork: Hazardous to Your Health
Volume Eighteen
Issue One
7th September 2004
Jonathan "Running Fish" Lam
Dan "Firewater Face" Anderson
Dan Anderson
Jonathan Lam
Howard Choy
Kiran Bisra
The AMS Firstweek Coordinator
The SUS Executive
Jen "Flowing Waters" Ross
Dave "Canoehead" Pelletier
Martin "Bear Lover" W
Printed by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something to say, say it. If you
have something to whine about,
whine about it. If you have something to slobber about, slobber
about it. Just don't slobber on us.
Lame e-slobber e-cards will not be
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Jonathan Lam
For Great Justice
Now sit right back and I'll tell you a tale,
A tale that I want you to hear...
It all began, yesterday
In quest of a Garden of Beer...
In quest of a Garden of Beer...
With Jonathan...
... and no one else...
No millionaires... nor their wives...
Jon forgets... How this last line goes...
So basically I've been running around
the last couple days trying to deliver
forms to the appropriate people so
that SUS can run its Second Class Bash
Beer Garden.
Luesday evening, I get an email asking for
somebody to deliver - just deliver - some
forms. I hate forms, really. Especially filling them out. I HALE FILLING OUL
FORMS. But since I only had to deliver
them and not fill them out, I stupidly volunteered to be the delivery boy.
Wednesday morning, I drop by the RCMP
office on campus. Lhey say our forms were
good. But not good enough. Apparently
we need more forms. Forms of the Classroom-Services-Authorization variety.
So I kind of panic.
God damned forms, always trying to
cause me more trouble. Anyway, I try calling Dan and Patricia, because they're the
ones who actually know what's going on.
Unfortunately I can't get a hold of them...
or anybody else who might be able to get a
hold of them. So I went home. And by
home, I mean the IFPO.
I see Patricia later that day and she tells
me I can just drop by Classroom Services
(CRS) and pick up the forms because they
should be ready there. "And if they're not
ready yet, just try to see if you can get them
to fill out the approval forms on the spot.
You seem to have something about you
that makes people want to be nice to you...
just use your good looks and charm."
Hah. I don't know what the heck she was
talking about because I know for a fact that
I don't have charm.
But CRS was already closed for the day...
so I came in today and expected to pick up
the forms. Wrong.
I went up to the Registrar's Office where
the CRS mailbox is  and  after flipping
through  the  various  papers,  was  distraught to find no SUS papers.
So I left to park my car properly, since it
was parked illegally outside Brock Hall.
What? I was expecting a quick in and out
and then a short drive to the RCMP
So I parked at C2 Lot, walked all the way
back to Brock Hall, and asked where the
CRS Office was. Lhe guy at the counter
was like, "Well, they don't have a counter
service, so you can't see them." Fuck that. I
told him it was important and that I needed to physically talk to someone from CRS,
so he got me a phone number to their office
and I phoned, they told me to fill out a
form and bring it down to their new office
which is in some restricted access zone
underneath Brock Hall. Funky.
Anyway, I went down and the lady there,
Karen, was um, quite attractive. But in any
case, she was there trying to look up the
code for our event space. Apparently,
nobody knows what the outdoor area
between Hebb and Chem/Phys is actually
called. Not even CRS. Karen calls Path,
and her other co-worker. Lhey try looking
it up in the system and when that fails,
they try looking up old bookings - to no
avail. Lhis takes about 20 minutes of
searching. Really, all they want is the carrying capacity of the space, so they end up
pulling out this binder of maps and they
physically try to measure the area to find
out how many people we are allowed to
host... only they can't do it.
I hate it when people try to tell me how to
do my job. Lhaf s why I normally don't try
to tell other people how to do theirs. But
this was kinda ridiculous and I was being
impatient. Apparently, the map of the
space was "different" than what they were
used to. Usually, the bottom of the maps
had "lin:30ft" scale. But this map had
"1:400". Lhe office people were stumped.
Lhey were about to call the people who
made the map when I asked if I could take
a look at it. I told them the scale was 1:400,
so if you measured the map in cm, you'd
just multiply it by 400 to get the actual distance. "But what units would it be in?"
After a quick run through on scale conversion, we were ready to start measuring.
We managed to find out the area was 5m x
8m when they realized that they needed
the measurements in feet.
Well damn. I was screwed. I couldn't measure a foot if you took one and shoved iter, anyway. Luckily they knew more about
British units than I did. Eventually, success: the area holds 220 people. Lhey could
finally sign our forms. Lhey could finally
sign our forms...  if the forms had the
Dean's signature on it. Oops.
"We can fax the form to the Dean's Office,
but that might take a couple days for them
to get back to us." Um, how about no.
"Well, couldn't I just take the form to the
Dean's Office right now and see if I can get
them to sign it?"
"Oh thafs a really good idea." Hah! Newfangled facsimilation is no match for the
age-old art of walking places.
When I arrive at the Dean's office, I ring
the bell for service. (Lhe sign at the desk
said "Ring bell for service.")
A lady comes out of the back room and
asks if she can help me, so I give her the
forms and try to explain what I need.
Unfortunately, I am told, it may take a couple days. I tell her that I don't really have
that kind of time, and I start rambling
about how I've been running around all
day and that the RCMP office closes at
3PM and how we need the papers so we
can hold the event because it takes 7-10
bussiness days and blah blah blah blah
blah... Just then, Dr. Harrison walks in. Dr.
Harrison is the guy who signs the forms. I
try convey the sense of urgency in the matter to him and the secretary, but I was still
in rambling mode, and I'm pretty damp
and unkempt from running around outside in the light rain. I get is a dirty look
from Dr. Harrison, who probably thinks I
am some fratboy hooligan demanding a
liquor license. It wasn't so much that I was
demanding, I was just graciously requesting... except, replace "graciously" with
"aggressively and with desperation." I also
try to name-drop "Patricia Lau, President
of SUS" but the attempt does not impress.
After calming down a bit and slipping out
of Rambling Mode, I go into Get Sympathy
Mode, and play up the part about how
sorry I am about the confusion and chaos,
and how I'm just the messenger and I'm
trying my best to make everyone happy
and deliver the forms to the right people.
Lhat does the trick, at least for the secretary
who exhibits a visible (positive) change in
her demeanor. Dr. Harrison just gives me a
new pink form to fill out and sends me on
my way.
So I head back to CRS and see if they can
do anything without the Dean's signature,
maybe give a preliminary okay just so I can
deliver the RCMP forms - the ones I've
been trying deliver all along. Of course not.
Lhey tell me the best thing is to come back
on Monday or Luesday.
Well, at least I got Hot Karen's phone
number... though, only so I can call her
back on Luesday to see if the forms have
been approved.
Start the year off drunk...
Just like Mother Nature intended!
Heed the call of the wild
September 8, 2004, 5-9pm
Between Hebb & Chem/Phys 7th September 2004
Top Seven Ways To Commit Suicide:
A Guide For First Years!
Page Three
Jumping off the Cliffs at Tower Beach
Pros: A dramatic way
to end it all, the salt
water will also ensure
f^ I your body decompos-
'""Nf'T I es quickly.
Cons: A long, slow
death. A bruised and
decomposed body
ensures there is no
open casket funeral for
people to laugh in
your face one last
Eating Monkshood (Wolfsbane) from
UBC Botanical Garden
Pros: A "natural"
way to die, Aconi-
tum Napellus is a
very poisonous
plant that grows
quite well in the
Physick Garden
down at the Botanical Gardens. Simply slip a few
leaves, flowers or a
piece of the root into your sandwich, and
alchemy-works.com assures you that you
will be quickly "investigating that realm"
of the Underworld.
Cons: Despite Middle Ages claims to the
contrary, Monkshood will not allow you to
fly. Additionally, as with all natural toxins, dosages can not be guaranteed.
Bonus: Admission to the gardens is free
with your student card.
Jumping off the Cliffs at Tower Beach
after eating Monkshood
Pros: Two deaths for the price of one.
Cons: Monkshood will still not allow you
to fly.
Spray Paint Martha Piper's Car
Pros: Relieve your built-up stress and bitterness by decorating Piper's car with your
favourite vulgarities and phallic symbols.
Not technically considered suicide, your
silencing by UBC's Campus Cowboys is
sure to be swift and painless.
Cons: You will disappear in the middle of
the night and all records of you ever existing will be  quickly erased,  making it
impossible to leave any sort of legacy.
Stand In The Last Parking Space of B-
Pros: With parking at such a prime
around campus
these days, you
can be assured
that you will be
run over by a
student late for
class with no
Cons: You may not be able to find a B-Lot
spot before the bulldozers beat you to it, a
la A. Dent.
Pros, Lake II: Bulldozers still kill.
Make A Pass At Holly Foxcroft
Pros: Death by ritual cannibalism may be
painful, but is highly effective.
Cons: If unsuccessful, how do you explain
the bite marks to your parents.
Go Cow Tipping At UBC Farm
Pros: Until he hits you with a well-aimed
rock chipped from the pacifist arch, you
can laugh at the new-age eco-hippy who is
wailing laments at your "uncaring, corporate, capitalist actions."
Cons: Some hippies have bad aim.
Hit .6% Blood Alcohol Level after Visiting Totem Forest
Pros: You'll be so happy, you won't even
remember dying.
Cons: If they get you to the hospital before
you're dead, a stomach pump is really
uncomfortable. Also, you'll blend in with
the rest of the Totem crowd.
Nothing Special or Unique:
Not Everybody Gets To Be An Astronaut Or A Pediatrician
Hey You! Yeah, you. The Nalgene-toting, Donne-quoting,
Artsie-poking fresh new UBC student. You think you're
pretty cool now, don't you? I mean, you graduated top of
your class and were voted "Most Likely to " by your
peers, not to mention the couple thousand dollars in scholarship money you won. And now you're at UBC and you
just know you're going to take the campus by storm.
Guess what? See the person sitting beside you in lecture?
And the one beside him? Yup, that's right: they graduated
the top of their classes and were voted "Most Likely to..."
as well. And they got a thousand more than you did in
UBC Lesson Number One: You are nothing special.
"But wait!" you cry, "I am something special. I got a certificate from the MP of Sometown telling me so. It had my
name on it. My very own name. Unique to me, and me
UBC Lesson Number Lwo: You are not unique. Lhe only
thing unique about you is your student number - and it
was only assigned to you so there would be a "unique
identifier" to make sure you got charged enough money,
because there are not only three, but four Jane L. Doe's at
this school.
You are probably thinking at this moment that this cannot
possibly be true. Besides, how can this nameless, faceless
writer at some campus newspaper I picked up for free in
the SUB possibly know what life at UBC will be like for
me? It isn't like this nameless, faceless writer could have
possibly been like me when she was in first year. Lhere is
no way someone working as a mindless unpaid hack occupying the penultimate position at some unacclaimed publication could possibly have once been a real person.
UBC Lesson Number Lhree: Everyone at UBC was the
creme de la creme in their
lowly high schools. You are
nothing different.
Now, for the good news.
Yes, you are nothing special. Yes, you are not
unique. Yes, you are nothing different. But being a
nobody can be freeing.
When you are a nobody, you can do whatever you want
and no one is going to care. Your profs don't care what
grade you get - they don't even care if you show up to
class. People don't care if you show up to their party or
not; people won't get you down if you're studying or not.
You can start to live your life by your own standards, and
not worry about anything else.
UBC Lesson Number Four: Lhank (insert religious deity
her) for lessons one, two and three.
[Insert something here]
Like a title, you sicko.
"It makes me feel like a brand new man
When you look at my weiner and say hot damn.
I place it inside your toasty bun
And voila, our hotdog is done."
Howard Choy
Likes to cock food
You're all sick bastards! Every last one of you! Can't a guy write about a BBQ without
someone making penis jokes? I mean seriously! Tm just trying to flex my vocabularic
skills and here you are jumping to conclusions. Well let me tell you a thing or two about
jumping to conclusions... I once had a buddy who jumped to a conclusion and then he
this  *es-5A&£ HAS Been bbous«t to voo ev
PL£AS£    LIE   Ft AT   ow THE (JR(WWP.
Ecn't be a tjast-neri^l
Mxi can gne fead^d^wtitout
Jan a caTmittee!
The ¥*.cu\t\\ of Science's!
Curriculum Committee
1ookm5 for two sci-
stubents to help
snz>\>e current Ant>
future science curriculum.  Students must he
AVAitable Tuest>AU,s from
11-12:30pm between
September 14 &n&
October 19 for meeting
on c&mpus.
ym: ctigiiiy!
Sk^1i5ht (the  Science  Centre
for Learning &n& Teaching)
is 1ookm5 for students to
participate in focus 5roups
&ni> give feefcb^ck About
et>ucMion &n& technolosu,
here M VBC. The focus
group is a one-time commitment, \&sting a few
hours M the most, Ant>
will be happening some
time in September.
sug@ii±axiBT£jix!.ca JimEdJabeJy Page Four
7th September 2004
95 Things To Do Before You Graduate
(except these ones are actually worth doing)
1. Go to a Pit night.
2. Go to a Mellow Monday at the
3. Get booed at Karaoke at the
4. Hit all of UBC's bars in one
night. Lhere are 6 or 7, depending
on how you count.
5. Stay up all night because
you're too bored to sleep.
6. Live in Rez. (If in Vanier, mock
the Robson boys while being
secretly jealous)
7. Play Ultimate hung over.
8. Join an intramurals team that
has no chance of ever winning a
9. Join an intramurals team that
makes the semifinals.
10. Play Insomniac Softball.
11. Laugh at the partizan articles
in the Ubyssey.
12. Laugh at the attempts at
humour of the Underground.
13. Laugh at Lhe 432, the Cavalier, and the nEUSpaper for printing intentionally humourous
14. Discover that bouncy bushes
16. Skip every class on ACF day
on the pretext that "nobody else
will be there."
17. Go to every class on ACF
day, and drink one (and only
one!) beer in each.
18. Rock out at Cold Fusion.
19. Explore the endowment
lands right after a downpour,
when the sun's just come out.
20. Storm the wall.
21. Go to a Canadian Club, a
Mustache Club, a Pride, a
Ski/Board Club, and a FilmSoc
BZZR (translation: beer) garden.
22. Get into a frat party through
the back door. If caught, explain
that someone said that's what the
"greek" in "greek system" meant.
23. Shave your head for cancer.
24. Wake up in a rez lounge
you've never seen before.
25. Wake up in a rez room you've
never seen before.
26. Ask a rez front desk for those
wall-mount sticky square things -
when you don't live there.
27. Run a beer garden.
28. Drunkenly work security at a
are more fun than, and yet as beer garden that you have no
good a workout as, a stairmaster. affiliation with.
15.  Go into  a class that's not 29. Vote for the Radical Beer Fac-
yours in your underwear. tion.
30. Be a designated driver.
31. Visit the UBC farm, and come
back zucchini-less.
32. Wake up after closing in a
library, and desperately try to
find an unalarmed exit in the
33. Have sex in the stacks. (If you
are a no-sex-before-marriage
type, get married first.)
34. Swim, drunk and naked, in
the outdoor UBC pool before it
gets demolished.
35. Sit naked on a Campus Patrol
36. Climb a tree, just because -
hey, tree!
37. Eat a meal that is entirely
38. Go to an Engineering Oktoberfest, and borrow a "red."
39. Paint the cairn.
40. Help with a bug stunt.
41. Participate in Skulk Night.
42. Pull a sober all-nighter.
43. Be late for an exam.
44. Explore at least one of: the
steam tunnels, the clock tower,
BuLo's roof.
45. Make a suggestion that gets
used at UBC improv.
46. Come to  a deeper understanding of yourself, your rela-
Why will nobody
buy outrageously
overpriced books
from me?
^Youfeelsorryfor the (Bookstore?
Thafs Because you are crazy.
(Expensive <Fifst/SecottdHfeaf te^tOoo^s can 6e Bought
for fess at the CS<PA <Boo%safe:
Wednesday, September 1
1:00 -3:00pm
SV<B 212A
Tuesday. September 7
10. 00am-12: OOprn. 3:00-5:00pm
£S%^462 (CS<? Workshop _tyom)
"Wednesday. September S
11:00am -1:00pm
LSKi462 (CST Workshop <$pom)
tionship with others, and the
nature of existence, all before
sobering up.
47. Read a book you don't understand.
48. Attend a lecture you don't
49. Attend a lecture that's not in
a language you understand (neither Math nor C++ counts as a
50. Play with dry ice.
51. Ask a LA out.
52. Fall in love, fall out of love,
fondly recall being in love, realize
that you should graduate sometime soon.
53. Write a letter home that isn't
motivated by hunger, lack of
alcohol, or hoping for money.
54. Go to the AMS Whistler
lodge and jump back and forth
between the snow and the hot
55. Watch a movie at the Norm.
56. Be someplace you really, really shouldn't be, and don't get
57. Eat a UBC cinnamon bun; be
full, but eat another.
58. Write a 432 article or draw a
432 comic.
59. Answer an exam question
with "Just because."
60. Get below 30% in a class.
61. Get above 90% in a class.
62. Lalk to a faculty advisor.
63. Lalk to a hobo.
64. Contemplate the merits of
advisor vs. hobo discourse in
modern society.
65. Sleep from midnight-8am.
66. Sleep from 8am-4pm.
67. Sleep from 4pm-midnight.
68. Look up from your computer
and realize that not only do you
not know what time it is, but you
don't know what day it is.
69. Hold down a job.
70. Hold down a prairie fire.
71. Hold down your lunch while
riding a mechanical bull.
72. Eat a vegetable.
73. Eat a vegetable in a sensual
74. Get up the courage to ask out
that cute guy/girl when all you
really want to do is run and hide
in a closet and dream of how
great it would be if he/she came
up to you and asked you out.
75. Gracefully accept defeat.
76. Refuse to give up - and eventually win.
77. Go to a rock show at the Anza
78. Go to a rave.
79. Shake your booty.
80. Make a pirate joke.
81. Say 'arr' all day on Lalk Like
A Pirate Day.
82. Lreat people with respect.
83. Have a well thought-out
opinion on at least one politically
active subject.
84. Walk backwards between
classes for a day.
85. Discover one of the Medicine
Cabinet, PKUBC, or the Empty
Bottles club.
86. Meet one of Jay Garcia, Yo
Lhornton, and Chris Eaton, and
shake the hand of a legend.
87. Have a 'necessity' meal
entirely comprised of food that
will go bad by the next day.
88. Break some glassware or
equipment in one of your labs.
89. Have your food stolen by
90. Visit Lower Mall in March,
when all the cherry blossoms are
in full bloom.
91. Lake a walk down to Wreck
Beach, and then see if you can
walk all the way back up without
92. Catch a UBC squirrel with
your bare hands. Roadkill doesn't
93. Ask for your prof's phone
number - during a lecture.
94. Write a list of things to do
while at UBC
95. Remember to actually submit
an application to graduate.
This random and awkward content-less space has
been brought to you by:
Please help us. We're always looking for new people who can do one or more of the following:
TEH       -"raw
- photograph
tlKVL -^.      4jyy#
We'd do it ourselves, but quite frankly we already
do and this is what happens. 7th September 2004
Page Five
Moo! Martha,
The Undergrads
Are At It Again!
Martin W
700% Beef
Any of you get the USP this year?
Well, if you did, then along with
that warm, wet feeling that comes
with knowing that $2500 dollars less are
coming out of your own pocket, you also
got a nice mustard-brown letter. Lhe skinny of it: the USP is being phased out over 6
years, and being replaced by the UBC Lrek
scholarship. After all, with the tuition
increases, you'd expect an increase in the
amount of scholarship money. All our cash
couldn't have gone to build those multi-
million dollar condos outside of Gage and
Fairview? Wrong. Lhe new Lrek Scholarship will only be $1500, and non-renewable. You get it once and that's it. Oh, and
getting it isn't as easy as it used to be; now
you'll have to work harder to get even less.
Only the top 5% of students per faculty or
school are going to be honoured with this
prize. Personally, I know that an average
of 85% is a struggle - especially if you're in
Engineering Physics, or Honours Biochemistry (like some poor saps), and top 5% just
sounds cruel. Some of us need to eat, and
sleep, and copulate.
I've been here since 2001 - I'm ancient - a
four year veteran of the UBC machine. For
that gloriously mind-numbing and (retrospectively) unproductive first year I spent
$2433.10 (31 credits); now, in my fourth
year, I'm spending $4544.15 for 30 credits.
Multiply Number A by 2 and you'll find
that it's pretty close to Number B - you
don't need an economist or a scientician to
tell you that we're getting milked. Yes, I'm
sorry to break it to you all, but officially we
undergrads are the cash-cow of the university.
We were initially promised smaller classes and more effective instruction as recompense for the near doubling of tuition fees.
I haven't seen either. All I've read of is an
increase in the average salaries of our President and her Executives, while LA salaries
remain grossly below national averages.
Furthermore, if any of you are considering
summer laboratory work at UBC as a
means to loosen the tuition noose, let me
provide this caveat: if you want money
then go work in a McDonald's, or a Burger
King, or whichever other deep-fried-animal-fat French fry establishment you prefer. For my three and a half months of laboratory work, I was paid an average of
$6.32 net per hour. If one considers that
you almost always (as anyone working in a
lab will tell you) work for over 40 hours a
week, the pay is pathetic and unsatisfactory. I'm not complaining about my job, I
loved it; that summer job was the first time
I actually learned some of the 'real and
applicable' skills that the University so
loudly touts as being learned in lectures
and classrooms. And, just in case I've discouraged some first years from lab-rat
work, let me tell you that if nothing else,
you can tell your friends (and that hot
chick in lecture) that you work with butt
It's easy to lay out a problem, but much
more difficult to find a solution. We are not
getting our monies worth here at UBC. We
don't need any fancy brochures, or more
housing for the top 10% of society. What
we need is for the UBC administration to
make education their business, and not a
business out of education.
Small and lonely box
Too small for great ideas
Only this haiku
LlLJ S jJ_________i___\
r^>iViNJ JLI'TliA VA £}A£12A <~^>
Improv Show. UBC Improv
performs from 7-9 at Totem Park.
Stand-up Comedy. Eight of
Vancouver's top young comics do
their best stuff in the Norm Movie
Theatre in the SUB. 10pm. $2.
Jazz Night. Two hours of laid
back jazz from a local group. Meeki-
son Arts Space, in the bottom of
Buchanan D. 7-9pm. By donation to
Pool Party. The name says it all.
Aquatic Centre/Empire Pool.
9-12pm. $1.       {=^
Rec   Fest.   Dodgeball, volleyball,
and prizes, put on by UBC Rec.
SRC. Noon-4pm. By donation
Guest Speaker. Dr. Richard Heinzl,
founder of Doctors Without Borders
Canada. Discussion & Q&A. 5pm. SUB
Ballroom. By donation to Shinerama.
Improv Show. Neville Scarfe
Theatre. 7-9pm. By donation to
Candlelight Sessions. The Weak-
erthans perform an intimate show in
the Pit Pub. 9pm. $5.
The Festival. Sloan and Pilate
headline the show. 3-9pm. Mclnnes
field. $8. fc^
Shinerama.    A day of volunteering
downtown to help raise money for cystic
fibrosis, with free breakfast. Meet
at SUB Partyroom at 10am.M>
to Shinerama.
«—- Wristbands sold for $10 at the tent outside the SUB
or at any Firstweek Event <-».->
There are also club events
Visit the website for a detailed schedule.
#208-333 e. BR.OXDWX/
7th September 2004
Of Course I Want To Marry
Someone Uglier, Don't You?
Kiran Bisra
Too sexy for her shirt
Dave told be me about this popular,
attractive, girl that he knows. She
is dating this ugly, rich, med school
student, and plans to get married to him.
He asks me, "Why does someone that hot
want to go out with someone that ugly."
My reply, "I want to marry someone uglier than me, don't you?"
Yes ladies, gentlemen, and assorted others, I want to marry someone uglier than
me. Not butt-ugly (unless you consider
me ugly, in which case, then yes butt-
ugly), just uglier. I'm not talking about
dating. Dating is about fun, happiness,
bliss, fulfillment, sex, and laughter. I'm
talking about the opposite - marriage.
Long term relationships are hard to develop and maintain. This usually requires
one person to take the lead, and the other
person to follow. Why does the parent-
child, teacher-student, employer-employee
relationship work so well? It's because
you can't implement two differing opinions.   One person must sacrifice more.
Sacrifice is the glue that holds relationships together, much like how the greed
for oil holds Bush's administration from
nuking the whole Middle East. One person must be the one who travels that extra
two hours just to drop by and say hi. One
person must be the one who calls first after
a fight, or calls first thing in the morning,
or calls first thing after lunch, or calls first
thing after going to the little Jon (or
Katie)'s room. They are the people who
cry at the mention of a break-up. They are
the ones who "don't care what we do as
long as we are together." They are the
ones who attend all of your dance practices, basketball games, poetry readings,
AA meetings, gynecological appointments,
and court appearances. They are the ugly.
"When two people start going out, it
doesn't matter who is hotter and who
isn't." Sure, I agree. After a while, it
becomes about obligation. But, before
that, when the foundation of the relationship is being laid down, attractiveness
does play a role.
Looks matter. What is the first thing that
you notice about a person when they walk
into a room? Their smile, their eyes, or the
way the light accents their ass in just that
special way. In has been proven that mothers look at their babies for longer periods
of time if they are cuter. This is just one of
the many examples of how hot people get
treated differently from the rest. From the
time they are born until the time they look
like Harrison Ford, they are revered.
Hot people automatically make better
public speakers, models, actors, baseball
players, defendants, and Viagra salesmen.
They are always the class president, the
most likely to succeed, and the most successful hooker of the year. All this success
does have an impact on their confidence,
their attitude, and most importantly their
ego. Their personalities are ones which
need constant reassurance, attention, and
When someone gives an average looking
person a compliment, two things happen.
The person either profusely thanks the
complimentor on their unwarranted kindness, or profusely denies the compliment
suggesting the complimentor get his/her
eyes checked. "Yes, my black hair is the
best quality about me. Thank you so
much for noticing. God, you are the most
observant person I've ever met. I will
always remember what you've said today.
It meant the world to me." Or "Shut-up,
you are just saying that. My hair is barely
black. If you weren't my friend, you
would never say something like that. Stop
with the lies!" However, when a hot person is complimented, only one thing is
said.   "Duh."
"But, aren't you your own worse critic.
Aren't you always going to think you are
uglier?" No, not necessarily. When Tom
Cruise walks into a room, he knows that
everyone isn't turning their heads to see a
famous actor, they are turning their heads
to catch a glimpse of his ass. Britney
Spears knows she can't sing, she doesn't
even try anymore - she just moans and
grunts while sweating on stage. She knows
what she is selling: her body. "But these
are actors and singers; they aren't like people walking down the street." I'm sorry,
but that reasoning makes as much sense as
my bio prof's lectures. If these dumb wits
can figure out their god given talents, my
organic chemistry professor with a PhD
can definitely figure out why he gets such
a good "Rate-your-prof" score. If everyone can figure out what is wrong with
them, then everyone can figure out what is
right with them. You know when you are
beautiful, and if you don't, the world tells
This isn't to say that hot people aren't
insecure, because they are. They are
under the most amount of stress. As they
age, they know that they have to remain
attractive. This whole "having an interesting personality" thing has already passed
them by, so they have to maintain what got
them into the game in the first place, their
looks. Why else would actors and actresses get face lifts, face peels, face shifts, and
liposuction on their face? To remain looking the way they need to be in order to get
attention. Average looking people can't
use their looks as a "hook". They have to
rely on their (get this) personality.
Average looking people have learned how
to attract people using their words and
their actions. These are the non-threatening, the non-intimidating the non-judgmental (because no one throws bricks
when they live in bubbles), always going
to be ready with Kleenexes when your girlfriend dumps you on Valentines Day, first
friend to introduce to your hot new
boyfriend friends. We know who they are.
These are the friends who sit and watch
you drink just so that they can be sober
enough to hold your hair back later when
you puke. These are the friends who plan
your birthday months in advance. The
ones who you can have an MSN conversation with for hours about Herring's hands.
The ones who can say the most outrageously offensive thing but still manage to
bring a smile to your face (no offense to me
and my people). The ones who have the
best Clinton jokes, the best Bush jokes, the
best penis jokes: the ones with personality!
When I speak of personality, I don't mean
the most charismatic (that has to do with
looks), I mean interesting people with
compassion, humour, and consideration.
Besides basic qualities of a person with a
good personality, what do compassion,
humour, and consideration have in common? Sacrifice! A compassionate person
gives up their time, their energy, their milk
to go Cappuccinos for the people they care
about. They sacrifice. What is the best
way to get a laugh? Self-degradation.
"Sure, I live in a cardboard box on East
Hastings with Halpern, his space ship, and
his chalk." Comedians know the best way
to get a cheap laugh is to make racial jokes.
But, they always pick their own race, never
someone else's. Dignity, self-respect, and
pride are all sacrificed just to bring a smile
to someone's face.   Consideration is a syn
onym for sacrifice. Be considerate of
someone's feelings = sacrifice your tongue
by biting it. Be considerate of someone's
space = move out of their way. Be considerate of your partner's needs = sacrifice
your taste buds and give them head. Sacrifice and a good personality go together
like Francois and Lance. One without the
other is just silly.
What is the test to see if your lover will
make a great life partner? See if they sacrifice for you. Not stupid mind games,
just take note of their commitment to you.
Are they willing to spend Thanksgiving
with your family, are they willing to watch
a sappy chick flick with you just to make
you content, are they willing to give head
in the back seat of a 1987 Camry while
waiting for the traffic light to change. All
of these day-to-day choices measure how
readily your partner is to sacrifice. The
question is who is willing to sacrifice more
to keep the relationship together. Who is
willing to degrade themselves? Who is
willing to watch movies that they don't
want to see? who is willing to give head?
The ugly!
The ugly person is always thinking, "Jeez,
you could do so much better than me, why
are you with me. Ohhh, it must be
because of my great compassionate,
humorous, and considerate personality. I
will never let you regret your decision."
So, what does the ugly person do? They
give in. They go along with weekend
plans the pretty person makes (hell, its better than spending Friday night staring outside my window), they change their
wardrobe to suit the prettier person's
desires, they allow the pretty person to
spend Saturday night sleeping over at their
body-building male friend's house with
nothing to wear but a cowboy hat. They
give in to make the prettier person forget
that they could have someone "better".
"So, is the only way to make a relationship
work is to have one ugly person, and one
beautiful person?" No. There is always
money. If there are two beautiful people
(or two ugly people), then the one without
money becomes the one who sacrifices.
Money helps to dictate the power in the
relationship. "Sure, I'll do anything you
want me to do with my
tits, just give me your
credit card." "Sure, I'll
do anything you want
me to do with your tits,
just give me your credit
card." All long as you
have a credit card, anything you desire is at
your fingertips.
Still not convinced?
Look at Jennifer Lopez
and Chris Judd. She
was better looking and
the one with all the
money. One must
wonder what Judd contributed to the relationship besides estrogen.
It is sad (and a good
reason for himself to
consider removing himself from the gene pool)
that he was surprised
by the fact that she left
him for Affleck. Do
you honestly believe
that Bill Gates could
have gotten anyone
with that mundane face
and that "put me to
sleep in a strip club"
personality if it hadn't
been for his multi-billion dollar enterprise?
I'm sure Melinda Gates
goes to bed every night still asking herself,
"Really, I'm going to have to satisfy that
lump of white pale man who wouldn't
know how to pleasure a woman if Sue
Johanson came down here and coached
him through every move herself-yuck!
Well, at least I'll feel like I deserve those
gold toothpicks I keep breaking. Here I
go-weee." Smart people plan ahead; they
know exactly what is important: power.
Next time you see a hot chick with an ugly
dude, don't think that the girl is lowering
her standards. Quite the contrary, she
could have any guy that she wants, but she
picked someone who was nice (or in med
school). Again, next time you see a hot
chick with an older man, don't feel bad for
the chick. She knows exactly what she is
doing she is getting all the power in the
relationship by being the prettier one. The
Anna Nicole Smiths, Catherine Zeta Jones
Douglas, Ashton Kuchers and Celine
Dions of the world have it all figured out.
They pick older partners who no longer
can have sex (thereby absolving the prettier person from allowing ugliness to touch
them), and they get the perfect power
skewed relationships that are in such high
demand. The uglier partner will have
only their "undying" love to offer. They
will sacrifice everything to make it work.
One of the two must sacrifice.
One person has to be the one to give a little more of themselves up. One person
has to be the one who feels a little worse
when plans to get together fail. One person has to be the one who buys that red
rose for no reason. I just don't want to be
that person. Always want to be needed
more that I want to need. I don't have
money, so I'll settle on being the prettier
one. Not pretty, just prettier. I'd rather be
treated well than have an ornament clutching on to my arm. I'd rather he give me his
coat when I'm cold than me watch him
take off his clothes to reveal his tight,
toned, Zeus-like body. I'd rather be with
someone who is compassionate, humorous, and considerate than be with someone
who makes all my friends jealous.
I'd rather be with someone ugly!
Looking for the
SUS Office and Lounge?
We're in LSK 202 (See map) 7th September 2004
Page Seven
Dave Riendl
Hey. So schools on again.
Woohoo! And that is not an
entirely sarcastic 'woohoo' either.
I'm sure my name is somewhere close by,
and I'm sure you already know whose
report you are reading but even still: I'm
David Riendl, and I'm the Faculty of Science Student Senator. Possibly a bit of a
verbose title; normally I'm just referred to
as the 'Science Senator'. So if you have the
information that I'm a Senator, and you
have the fact that there are UBC Senate
meetings, you might be inclined to guess
that I attend the UBC Senate meetings.
Well, although some might consider this a
'bad' guess, your guess would be correct. I
go to senate meetings and then report back
to SUS council with what is happening in
the UBC Senate. This way the Science
Undergrad Society will stay informed with
the decisions made at UBC. I hold my
position to represent the science community. If you feel there is something that you
think a Senator can help change, let me
know. That's why I ran for this position.
I'd like to change, or at least improve, the
things that science students need changed.
Contact me at riendl@chem.ubc.ca or if you
see me around (is there a picture of me
somewhere here?) you can talk to me then.
Jonathan Lam
D. of Publicationx
Well, it's another year. You know
what that means, right? Good,
because I'm not going to tell you.
What I am going to tell you is that you
should really consider writing for us. Write
for The 432, or for more sophisticated writers, try writing for the Paradigm.
Most people have no clue what The
Paradigm is, but we're looking to change
that. The Paradigm is a non-imaginary SUS
publication. It doesn't come out that often
which is probably why you might not have
Andrew Thamboo
VP Internal
Waazzzuupp! Its that time of the
year again...woohoo! I'll make
my message to the point:
1) Run for a position on SUS: check
out this issue of the 432 for more details
and for available positions.
2) Are you a first year?! Then join the
First Year Committee. Its a committee run
by first years for first years. Its an awesome way to get to do things for your
peers, get to know people and be a part of
heard of it before, but it has a lot of serious
science stuff in it. Well, maybe not that
serious, but still, if you're interested let me
know: txm@interchange.ubc.ca
And then there's the 432... this thing. If
you you like what you see in this issue and
you want to get involved, submit your
work (articles, cartoons, photographs) to
If you don't like what you see in this
issue, well, you didn't help make it, so you
can't complain. Indignation is an even better reason to submit content to us.
Well that's about all I have to say right
now. Come back in 2 weeks: same SUS
time, same SUS channel.
SUS. First meeting is Sept. 22 at 4:32 in
LSK 202.
3) Come to the Welcome Back BBQ on
Sept. 17 on the grass between Chemistry
and Angus. If you're a First Year, SUS
will hook you up with free food!
If you have any questions, give me a
shout at avthambo@interchange.ubc.ca
or look for me on campus. I am a 21 year
old male, slightly built with forming love
handles. I have black hair and I think my
eyes are black as well. Most days I look
like I just got out of bed unless I'm trying to
impress someone, then I'll pull out some
nice clothes. I hope you guys can find me!
If not...email works.
Mike Long
VP External
Sup All! Welcome back to a brand
new school year! My name is Mike
Long, and I'm your VP External.
You may be wondering, what exactly does
SUS have in store for me this year?
Well... since what we have planned is so
uber cool, I can't even explain it in words.
This means that you must get involved
with us right away so we can fill you in
with all of the details! Everyone reading
this, starting right now, should be sending
droves of emails to Andrew Thamboo
(avthambo@interchange.ubc.ca) for information on getting involved with SUS.
Don't worry, Andrew loves getting tons of
emails...it makes him all tingly inside!
As far as I go, my main duty within
SUS is Science Week. This year Science
Week is being held January 25 th - 29 th ,
and I hope that all of you guys and gals
reading this right now will take on the
challenge of joining our awesome (not to
mention sexy) Science Week team. For
more details on Science Week or other
'external' related thingies, give me a shout
at mjlong@interchange.ubc.ca . I don't
bite, and if I do, it will be one of those playful/teasing nibbles, not a full on chomp.
Other than that, good luck with your academic ventures in September!
Patricia Lau
Hi everyone! Hopefully everyone is
a bit excited to be back to either go
to school, see friends or enjoy campus life. I thought I would first tell you a
little about myself. I am currently in Biochemistry, entering my third year. I have
been involved with SUS for two years, in
my first year I was the Science One Department Rep and last year I was your VP
External. Anyway, I hope that all of you
get involved on campus this year, whether
that is joining a club, playing intramural
sports, getting involved with SUS or anything else on campus. Extracurricular
activities are lots of fun and help you feel
part of a community.
SUS has lots of new upcoming things
happening this year as we are working on
expanding the number of events we put on
as well as their diversity. We are also
working towards creating a better system
for communicating information to you as
well as getting your opinions and suggestions. Keep reading the 432 to find out as
these issues and events pop up during the
year. You can also check out our newly
revamped website at www.sus.ubc.ca.
On the social space front we have hit
quite a few setbacks. Unfortunately the
construction that was slated to begin in
mid July was delayed. Read the next issue
of the 432 for a detailed explanation
brought to you by the Science Student
Social Space Steering Committee.
Otherwise, hopefully some of you
have decided to run in the SUS elections
later this month and/or have decided to
join a SUS Committee (see the Guide for a
full list)! If you would like to get involved
with some other committees or groups outside of SUS but within the Faculty of Science there are currently two that you could
join! They are the Faculty of Science Curriculum Committee and Skylight's Education and Technology focus group. Look for
details elsewhere in this issue.
And, don't forget to drop by LSK 202
and check out the SUS lounge where there
is a microwave, fridge, free phone, cooler,
cheap pop and more. If you have any questions, comments or anything else feel free
to email me at: pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca
or drop by the lounge!
Courtney Campbell
Executive Xecretary
Why hello Science peeps! You may
be thinking that the Secretary job
is pretty straightforward - sit at a
cozy desk and photocopy, lick envelopes
and stamps, sharpen pencils, etc. But let
me assure you that it is so much more. Plus
I don't have a desk, tee hee. I guess I am
responsible for all that office work kind of
stuff, but I also organize the agendas for
weekly meetings, all meeting minutes, and
liase with all council members and constituencies. I am also the chair of the Code
and Policy committee, which you are invited to join by the way if you enjoy infrequent meetings and food. And last but not
least, I seem to have random tasks and
jobs imposed upon me by other SUS executives - and I accept these responsibilities
not because I am the Secretary, but because
I am a push over and I am just too nice, tee
So my suggestion to you, the keener Science student that you are, is to join SUS, sit
on the Code and Policy committee, and
maybe as a councilor you can hook me up
with some random task requests of your
own. Good times :o)
~ Courtney
Justine Chan
Public Relationx
Hi everyone! Welcome (back) to
UBC! Hope everyone's had an
awesome summer...my name is
Justine Chan & I'm SUS's Public Relation
person for the year. My duty is basically to
put together the annual charity event, get
SUS out there, and just try to involve you
Science kids with SUS as much as possible.
I look forward to hearing from y'all regarding anything that may be on your minds
(within reason, of course)...so email me >
Have a wicked year everyone & I'll see
you soon!
- Justine
Vanessa Ho
Tts  that   D. ofXportx
I time of year again, time to go back to
JLschool. I hope you all enjoyed your
summer, but if you didn't youcan still have
lots of fun here at UBC.
Fun at school? But how?
Well it's easy! One way is to play some
sports! Find some friends, or make some
new ones and form a team. And guess
what. Science teams get a rebate from SUS
on registration fees!
But you should really hurry, registration
ends soon for many fall sports, so what are
you waiting for?
Have an awesome year. Go get 'em tiger!
SUS Council Fall Elections
Open Positions
The basic responsibilities of all members of council,
according to the SUS constitution, include "i. Be[ing]
responsible for the promotion of all Science events... ii.
Post[ing] and maintain[ing] no less than one office hour
per week ... iii. Regularly attending] all Council meetings
... iv. Be[ing] a member of a minimum of one committee...
and v. Know[ing] and upholding] the Constitution of the
Social Coordinator (1 position)
The position of Social Coordinator is actually not a council position, but rather an executive position within the
society. This position requires significantly more commitment and responsibility.
According to the SUS Constitution, "the Social Coordinator shall: a. Organize, coordinate, and promote all social
functions of the Society; b. Coordinate the sale and distri
bution of tickets for the Society's functions; and c. Coordinate advertising for the Society's social events."
General Officer (4 positions)
General Officers do represent any specific group of science students, but rather the entire body of science students as a whole. In addition to the basic council member
responsibilities, GOs "shall i. Submit a Year-End report to
the Executive Secretary by the end of the School Year; and
ii. Attend Faculty of Science Meetings."
First Year Representatives (2 positions)
The position of First Year Rep is open only to first year
science students who are not enrolled in CSP or Science
One. This is a great way for all you first years to get
involved with SUS Council, run for the position! First Year
Reps generally work closely with the VP Internal and First
Year Committee.
Department Representatives (15 Positions)
There are fifteen Department Representatives that are
elected by students from various programs within the Faculty of Science. Students are elected to represent the
Departments of: Biochem, Biology, Chemistry, Computer
Science, Earth and Ocean Sciences, General Science, Geography, Math and Stats, Microbi, Pharmacology and Physiology, Physics and Astronomy, Psychology; as well as the
Coordinated Science Program, the Integrated Science Program, and the Science One Program.
En addition to the basic council-member responsibilities,
Department Reps "shall: i. Attend Faculty of Science meetings; and ii. Liaise between the Department or Program
administration and the Society by meeting with administration and providing monthly reports to council."
Questions? Contact Andrew Thamboo
avthambo@interchange.ubc.ca v> m
</>  O
Q)   H
Q.   O
Science Undergraduate Society
2004 Council Elections
Name of Candidate:
Email Address:
Student #:
I am aware of my
nomination and am willing
of the
We, the undersigned, 15 bona-fide members of the Science Undergraduate Society, nominate
the above for the position of .
Deadline for nominations is Friday, September 24 @ 4:32 pm in LSK 202.
A mandatory-attendance all-candidates meeting will be held September 24 @ 4:32 in SUS
Questions? Contact Andrew Thamboo at andrewth83@hotmail.com


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