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The 432 Jan 24, 2000

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Science tfeek Edition.
tvi*Y9a
VOLUME THIRTEEN ISSUE SEVEN
24 January 2000 PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
Volume Thirteen
Issue Eight
24 January 2000
Editor
Bree Baxter
bmonique@interdiange.ulx.ca
Assistant Editor
Jay Garcia
jgarcia@interchange.ulx.ca
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Contributors
Dan Anderson
Bree Baxter
Mike Boestzkes
Jag Dost
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Jake Gray
Duncan McHugh
Jake McKinlay
Trevor Presley
Ajay Puri
Kate Saenko
Sara Stamm
Reka Sztopa
Legal Information
The 432 is published bi-monthly
(mmm, bi) in the bcisement of the
Chemistry Building. The 432 is the
official publication of the Science
Undergraduate Society and science students in general.
All views expressed in this issue are
strictly those of the individual writers,
and as such are not the responsibility
of The 432, The Science Undergraduate
Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists from each and
every faculty are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions
must meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle at least
thrice , be approximatly 700 words in
length, and contain the author's name
and contact information.
God bless the Irish.
If it looks like the paper is a bit.. umm
.. messier than normal, that is because
a) I didn't have a printer to use and b)
the fonts went insane. I know it looks
... umm .. different. But live with it. I
have to.
All of our staff members voted in the
AMS elections, and were pretty much
fed up with the inacuracies, slander
and other crap that has been bombarding this campus for the last few
weeks. Enough already. That kind of
immature behavior only beings in the
SUS elections, or the provincial NDP
government.
You do of course realize that our next
premier will be named "Corky", don't
you? Wasn't that a 70's porn star? I
guess anyone is better than Glan Clark.
I wannabe a rainbow.
Mommy, I Wanna Be A
Rodeo Clown
Jake Gray
Zombie Killer
The days grow long, the nights grow
longer. I am weary with the tense
hours of waiting. My eyes are tired
yet I dare not shut them for an instant
for fear of what may happen when they
close. The air is thick with tension as I
suck it through my clenched teeth.
Countless hours have passed since I last
voided myself. I stand and wait.
Still I have yet to pay for my stupid
fucking parking ticket.
I more moronic situation I have never
been in. Here I stand, ticket in one hand,
cash in the other, and I wait. I wait to
pay for something that I never wanted. I
suppose I shouldn't be too surprised by
the overwhelmingly useless bureaucracy
of the Greater Vancouver Municipal
Fines Collection Department.
Once again I am faced with the duty of
thwarting, pissing off, hassling and generally annoying the hell out of brain
dead automatons stuck in the blighted
view that rules are more important than
common sense. These people must be
driven from society. They must be driven
like cattle in a stampede, which shouldn't be too hard, because they act like cattle, mooing and chewing their cud at
their desk all day just waiting for anybody to ask them a question so they can
say "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't help you right
now. I'm on my W.C.B. regulated lunch
break. If you come back in twenty five
minutes I'll be just peachy happy to help
you then."
"Oh, I'll come back. I'll come back and
shove that earpiece phone so far up your
ass you'll be answering the phone in
Swahili."
"Swa,..?"
"Swahili you dipshit."
It is a sad commentary on the state of
our "free" western society when you can't
take a leak without either having a permit, paying a fee, getting incarcerated
for indecent exposure, even if it is a pretty decent view if I do say so myself, and
I do. How free can a man be when he is
fundamentally dependant on the rest of
the walking zombies which occupy our
fair earth? It's not freedom. Freedom
only belongs to the insanely rich and
ridiculously powerful. The Bill Gates and
Rupert Murdochs of the world are the
only people who know true freedom.
How can one be free until one is willing
and able to do absolutely anything at
any time and not worry one iota about
the consequences, that is unless you're
criminally insane.
The next time you're trying to return a
book at the bookstore, trying to pay your
fees, explaining to the librarian that you
never took out "Bob's Complete Guide to
Rectal Laparoscopy" don't cave in. Don't
put up with the idiots in your way. They
are stealing your freedom one parking
ticket at a time.
Editorial of the Dammed
Bree Baxter
Political Overload
Welcome once again to an edition of the 432. This edition is
special because the issue is in
conjunction with Science Week 2000!
This weeks holds lots of stuff in it that
deals with Science. Are you in first year?
Go to Beyond First Year. Are you graduating, or hoping to graduate? Go to
Beyond the B.Sc. Ever wonder what the
clubs are up to? Wander down the SUB
concourse this week and get a gander.
Some of the clubs are even giving away
prizes, like candy or money! Mmm,
candy. Get involved! Now, onto my regularly scheduled space-filler:
AMS Elections
Somebody stick a fork in the democratic process, it's done! As the members of
the Alma Mater Society, you've just
elected a new executive for the year. Yes,
that's right, democracy has once again
sung her swan song. This year's elections, on top of the normal apathy, double-dealing and backstabbing, reached
an all time low with the introduction of
a new form of campagining: The bulk
email. Why? Because people on this
campus only pause long enough to
check their inbox in the time between
classes and the commute home. Was it
unfounded? Hell yeah. You can't tell me
that personal slander has a high moral
ground (see Ben's article for a further
explaination) in any walk of life, especially an institute of higher learning.
Now, everyone just needs to agree to disagree, put the past in the past and get on
with our miserable underpaid little lives.
As the presidential candidate for the RBF,
Mathieu Mafttei, has often remarked,
"It's only student politics!"
Which brings me to my next point.
The Ubyssey
No, I am not going to slag the Ubyssey
this time. I have an issue to take up with
their editorial of last week. I say that it is
only student politics because the
amount of influence the AMS has on
anything is very minimal. We live in the
world of Big Brother, with the University
Administration in charge of each and
every aspect of life around these parts.
The AMS can make recommendations
on UBC's tuition policy, or the new Academic plan, but in the end, of the University Admin disagrees, who wins? You
guessed it, not the students. I may be
just a little bit cynical, but I guess that's
life.
Doctorates
Why isn't it the other way around?
Why can't one be a doctor, before
becoming the master? As it stands now,
there is no fun in having to go to school
for 12 years to say "I'm a doctor!" It's
more fun to say, "I am your Master!" and
laugh diabolically. Whee. Who do I talk
to about getting that changed? I think I
have Martha Piper's number...
99 Chairs
What kind of a pub is open from 7am to
7pm, Monday to Friday? It just doesn't
make any sense. When do most of us
want to go to the local pub? Probably
not at 8 in the morning just before our
first classes. How about 8 at night, when
work is over for the day? Sounds good to
me.
People I have to thank
Welcome to my version of the Oscars.
Thanks this week go to:
Jeff Steinbok and Jay Garcia, who spent
most of their Tuesday night fixing the
publications computer after it died.
Colombia, makers of fine coffee.
Arts again, for use of their printer.
Thanks be to Karen who took the calls
on Wednesday of an insane editor (not
her), Owen for sitting in the background, and to John Fast for voting RBF.
To the dirty little bastard who stole my
printer: You still suck.
Jake McKinlay, who is my god. He draws
it all, people! If you're reading this,
you've probably seen the cover artwork
and if you keep reading, you'll see Rex
Morgann is back! Ok,, it's not really Rex,
but it's character building!
To my intramural basketball team, for
convincing me that it was a good idea to
play hoops Tuesday so this paper was
once again late.
That's it. Enjoy the Science Week Issue
of the 432, and come on out!
The Official 432 Feedback
form!
Please fill out this form and
drop it off in SUS. I won't print
your responses, I promise. I
only want to see if you have
any feedback for me. After all,
this is your paper too. I want to
make sure you like what you're
reading.
Thanks in advance,
-Bree Baxter,
Editor
1. What is your favourite part of
the paper?
2. What part of the paper are
you not too fond of? Do you
have any suggestions for
change?
3. Do you have any favourite
columnists? Any favourite recurring features? A favourite cartoonist?
Please email your answers to
bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca
or drop the thing in the office. If
you have anything else to say,
please do! Thanks. 24 JANUARY 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
Revenge of the Nerd II
W'-V Jay Garcia
G
• y	
* >«i -^ pocket Protected
Blessed are the meek, for they shall
inherit the kingdom of heaven.
Some long-haired hippy got himself nailed to a plank around two thousand years ago for espousing this and
other "love thy neighbor" type-views,
much to the chagrin of the populist government in charge at that time. This article is not about him. Rather, this article
is about the strange dipthongal accident
that he uttered, and precisely who these
chosen people are who are to inherit this
kingdom of heaven.
But first, some background. Look
around you. Odds are, you've probably
got fluorescent lighting of some sort
overhead or nearby. Maybe you're in a
bus, killing time by reading this paper.
Maybe you're in class, trying to block
out your professor's monotonous drone.
But, if you're like the majority of the
lower to upper-middle class inhabitants
of this fine institution, you're surrounded by the handiwork of geeks. Yep,
geeks. Christ wasn't talking about the
meek; because the meek are too frightened or apathetic to stand up and claim
the kingdom. Nope, the Big Guy meant
the geek; though he couldn't say that,
because what are the odds that ancient
Hebrew has a word for "geek"? Though
this isn't saying that there weren't geeks
around back then. Oh no, history has
been written, for better and for worse, by
many a geek since the dawn of time.
To get to some of the meat of the matter; what is a geek? Basically, it's anybody
who takes a special interest in a subject
and enjoys performing activities related
to that subject. However, this encompasses everybody in creation, so a more
specific focus is required: a geek is someone who has the ability to particularly
obsess and overfocus on a particular subject. Geek is a gender-neutral term;
you've got male geeks and female geeks.
You can have dance geeks who can tell
you in exacting detail the number of
steps and half steps in a rumba or critique a foxtrot; you've got film geeks
who'll chew your ear off with comparisons between Jean-Michel Jarre and
James Cameron; you've got the stereotypical computer geeks; you can have
geeks of any stripe and affiliation. Geek-
dom does have its dark side, as you've
also got your wrestling geeks (not to be
confused with redneck Aldergrove or
Surrey types), and your celeb-obsessed
geeks (the ones who have veritable
shrines to Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, or
Winona Ryder set up in their homes or
apartments).
Nevertheless, name an esoteric subject,
and there's probably a group of wackos
and weirdos geeking out over it. And I'm
not just talking about the Medieval
Hagaelian Basket-weaving folks. Geek
societies can get huge and complex, with
their own elaborate rules and codified
structures of behaviour. Society of Creative Anachronism members and role
playing gamers, I'm looking long and
hard at you, with your clothes and your
rattan swords and your rulebooks and
your funny-sided dice.
Which leads me to another fact about
geeks. Each kind of geek tend to have
their own specific vocabularies. Hang
around a bunch of computer geeks long
enough and you'll see what I mean; for
God's sake, do they have to speak in
three letter acronyms all the frickin'
time? And this kind of behaviour is universal to geeks. Dance geeks talk about
rhythm and meter. New York turns and
reverse steps. Sewing geeks talk about
dyes and stitching, thread-count and
fabric tension. It's all a part of the aspect
of belonging; know the lingo and be one
of the chosen elect. It's not as if geeks are
exclusionist, though. They use the language to determine the extent of one's
geekiness, and the geekier you are, the
more you can talk the tc^lk.
On a sub-note, geeks are not to be confused with nerds. Nerds are a specific
sub-species of geek, often characterized
by a lack of social graces and a deep and
overwhelming obsession about their
area of interest. Thus, all nerds are geeks,
but not all geeks are nerds. Many geeks
are, in fact, quite sociable people, with
many passions and interests that run
outside of their field of geekdom.
Geeks have existed all throughout history. Geeks tend to be tinkerers and
inventors, and one has only to look back
at the ancient world to see their handiwork. Some pre-middle ages geek even
invented a vending machine of sorts
which dispensed holy water in temples
when you dropped a few coins into the
slot. Furthermore, have you ever notice
how close the word is to Greek? Look at
any of the philosophy espoused by those
sheet-wearing, wine-drinking pontificating bastards and you'll see a bunch of
people with too much time on their
hands, dreaming up weird systems and
rules and classifications and orders,
obsessing over the nature of reality or
social construction. One of them even
managed to calculated the diameter of
the world to within a hundred or so
miles. Geeks all of them, and we owe a
great deal of our history to them, for
they are the foundation of the modern
world, if a somewhat flaky and effete
foundation.
However, if there's one thing that tends
to be wrong with geeks is that they're
Paper Airplane Contest
Thursday, January 27th
the SUB Theatre
12:30pm
Presentevby
Fame! FouMunel Prizes!
long on theory and often short on
action. They talk the talk, but they don't
walk the walk. The Greeks had all these
great ideas, but it then the Romans waltz
in, invade Grecian territories, steal their
best ideas (like their mathematics, and
geometry, some bits of political theory
and their whole religious system) and
actually go ahead and implement them.
Them Ceasar-following, empire-aggregating, road-and-aqueduct building bastards may have had no imagination, but
they had great follow through, demonstrating the difference between the
applied sciences geek and the pure sciences geek.
More modern examples of historical
geeks include: Thomas Alva Edison,
inventor-geek; Winston Churchill, geek
of letters and alcohol; Albert Einstein,
physics and philosophy geek (wild hair
inclusive); Oscar Wilde, geek of poetry
and plays; Orson Welles and Alfred
Hitchcock, geeks of film and screen; and
Bill Gates, uber-geek of software and
aggressive monopolistic tactics.
The modern era tends to breed more
geeks in the scientific and engineering
fields than the other disciplines do,
because, Modern Science is, after all,
with its strange rituals and verbiage, a
veritable haven for geek kind (the other
being the Catholic Priesthood). Where
else can people of similar interests gather without boring other people to tears
about the esoterica of their work? (For
those of you who don't understand what
I'm talking about, I propose you wander
over to any of the active research laboratories on campus, collar a thesis student
and ask them to explain what the heck it
is they're doing and see if you don't fall
asleep by the second or third sentence).
Which, in a roundabout way, brings us
back to the point of the geeks inheriting
the earth. Through no small effort on
their part, geeks have made the world
their playground. The word "geek", first
used in a negative context in the fifties
and popularized in the 'seventies thanks
in no small part to The Fonze and
"Happy Days" has since transmuted into
a term of pride. Now you've got geeks of
every stripe and occupation making
themselves known. Some of them are
even putting the title on their business
cards. It's even making nerd-dom somewhat less of a stigma than it used to be.
This can probably be credited by two
things: the near total ubiquity of technology, and the rise of "superstar" geeks.
The advent of telecommunications and
computer technology have made geeks
socially acceptable, thanks in no small
part to the booming usage of geek products. Everybody watches television, a
device created and popularized by geeks
(how geeky is the talk around the water
cooler whenever you end up discussion
the last episode of Friends, ER, or Who
Wants to Be A Millionaire!). I dare you to
find me a middle-class teenage without a
cell phone; odds are, even if you do, that
the person you found will be a conscientious objector to the ubiquity of cell
phones and thus a kind of geek in and of
itself. Most everybody uses the Internet
these days, and that was made by the
hard-core geeks over at DARPA.
Geeks are an industry in and of themselves, and it's the telecommunications
and cable companies who want to tap
into the subscription levies generated by
charging geeks who can't live without
high-speed internet access at home who
have led this charge, followed up by
those online retail and trading institutions like Amazon.com and Etrade. How
geeky is it to be surfing at home on your
fast connection, trading stocks and buying books with the click of a mouse? Certainly it's not the same Herculean level
of effort that performing the same
actions without a computer or the Internet used to require.
This explosion in geek-consumerism
has created a whole new stratum of
wealth in society, that of the sub-30-
year-old self-made millionaire. More and
more of these people are showing up
everyday, and many of them are becoming media darlings. When they show up
in interview photos or in brief media
clips, you can always spot the newly-
monied geek; it's the guy (and it's usually a guy) surrounded by gorgeous
women, walking around in an expensive
suit whose pockets are suspiciously
bulging - probably from the Nokia cellphone or the Palm VII which is ruining
the line of their pants. These are the people who are building homes which have
more miles of wiring than some small
Pacific countries, and whose personal
computer units make HAL from 2001: A
Space Odyssey look about as smart as a
digital watch.
Monied-geek fever has created a kind of
a weird boom in computer science graduates; the MBA's of the new millenium.
Where the 80's was characterized by a
kind of sinister, "me first" greed, the 90's
and naughties will be characterized more
by pocket protectors and IPO's. Silicon
Valley, headquarters of just about every
internet and major software company
not headquartered in Washington State
or Texas, and just a short drive south of
San Francisco has more millionaires per
square mile than Redmond, Washington
(home of the millionaires created by
Microsoft). The geek truly have inherited
the earth.
Like Money?
Visit the Math Club booth
at Science Week and play:
"Who Wants to lie a Mathematician?"
Rules based on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
Win great prizes, ranging from candy to cash
Featuring multiple choice questions that do not
require advanced mathematical skill
Make sure to play - Everybody will be a winner! PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
Livin* Life One Day At A Time
The Reaper
In It for the Candy
Another day, another dollar. Death strikes again,
but this time, it's personal. I've been examining
the recent deaths from the past year (remember
how I told you all to look in year-end papers for names
o' the dead?) and well, it sucks. Here are the names of
some people who are dead, no matter if you think they
were on your list or not.
Mary Kay Bergman, who died at age 38, was the main
voice for South Park female characters, as well as some
character or other in Star Wars I: The Commercial Menace.
Kirk Alyn, the first Superman of the big screen, died at
age 88.
Wilt Chamberlin, basketball legend of the Knicks, was
63.
Charles "Pete" Conrad, the third
man on the moon (You know,
"Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldren,
and the other guy!") was 69. Man,
can you imagine going through
life being known as that guy who
had to drive the oversized golf
cart while Buzz and Neil were off
bopping around the moon?
Quentin Crisp, who was
described in the Georgia Strait as
being a 'pathfinding British gay
icon', was 96.1 wonder how many
gay British guys were named
Quentin, or, conversely, how
many guys named Quentin
turned out to be gay?
Joe DiMaggio was 84, and Joe
DiMaggio Jr. was 57. Any other
kids in the background for next
year?
Audry Janet Evans was, in 1959,
the first Canadian to undergo
open heart surgery (who didn't
die on the table), and now she's
dead. She was 74.
Judith Exner was the mistress of
both JFK and (wait for it...) mob
boss Sam Giancana. Now's she's
dead too. (65)
Joseph Heller, writer of Catch-22
and Jake Gray's personal idol, was
76.
King Hussein was 63, and had
been king of Jordan for over 46
years. I wanna be a king. Better
yet, I wanna be a queen.
DeForest Kelley, 'Bone's on Start
Trek: TOS (bonus points to anyone who knows what that
acronym means) was 79. He's the
first of the old crew to go. When
will William Shatner go?
JFK Jr., 'John-John' was 38, an
amateur pilot and a publisher. I
sense a meaning in this.
Stanley Kubrick, director of such
freaky-assed films as 'A Clockwork
Orange', 'Space Odyssey 2001' and
other stuff, was 70. He's still spinning in his grave from when the
North American Film Association
'digitally masked' the genitals of
the orgy scene in 'Eyes Wide
Shut'. I'm not sure what it means
to digitally mask one's genitals,
but it sounds like it might hurt.
Gene Levitt was the writer who
created TV's Fantasy Island. Bastard! At age 79.
Forest Mars (yes, that was his real
name) was the guy who made the
Mars bar, and was 95. Mmm,
chocolate.
Anne Sheafe Miller was the first
patient to be save by penicillin in
1942. Open wide for the moldy
bread. She was 90.
Charles   Pierce,   72,   was   the
"queen of the female impersonators". Hmm.
Bill Quackenbush, Hockey Hal of Fame guy who
played 132 games in a row without a penalty and completely missed the point of wearing upper body
padding at a game. 77.
George C. Scott turned down his Oscar for the role in
Patton and assorted other stuff, was 71.
Waldo Semon was a chemist who make vinyl and bubble gum and was 100 before he died. Wheel
Shel Silverstein, poet for kiddies, was 66. Damn. He
was cool.
Gene Siskel, movie critic, was 53. Now, was he the thin
one or the fat one?
Hank Snow, some country music singer from out East
was 85 before he, you know, died.
Lili St. Cyr, a famous Montreal stripper of the 40's.
Take it all off, baby! (Ok, she was 81, so maybe not)
John Stears, designer who made Star Wars light sabers
and the Death Star was 64. I wanna light saber. Espe
cially the one that Darth Maul had, that double-ended
light saber. Kill.
Screaming Lord Sutch, British rock singer turned longtime parliamentary candidate for the Official Monster
Raving Loony Party (I am not making this up) was 58.
And just lat Thursday, Hedy Lamar was found dead in
her home. I personally never know who she was, but
Mel Brooks made fun of her name in "Blazzing Saddles". My, what a fun movie.
Death abounds, my dear laddies and lassies. Unless
you're squemish (and if so, why are you in Sciences?
Unless it's one of those wussy ones like Computer Science. You try disecting a freshly killed rat whose heart
is still fluttering due to "ATP buildup". Yeah, like I buy
that one), it's best just to laugh.
Ok, that wraps it up for this issue's Dead Pool. Enjoy
the show, don't eat the blue acid, and keep on rockin'
in the free world! (See, I told you I would quote Nathan
Allen by now!) 24 JANUARY 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
As a tribute of sorts to one of my favorite poets from childhood
(mine, not his), here's a poem from Shei Silverstein. It sums up
exactly my feelings on most days. Try reading it aloud, as you
will be surprised at how many professors will accept this poem
as the answer to Mark Twain's "Meaning of Life,"
Sick"
Shel Silverstein
Poet
"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind I my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face is green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue -
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and
choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke -
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched,  my ankle's
sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tounge is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My  elbow's  bent,   my  spine ain't
straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my hear is -
what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is ... Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!
Dumb Assed Easy Contest #5
Winner!
Winner: Maryann Adamec
Mike Boetzkes: Dukes of
Hazzard
Mandy Seymour: Tales Spin
Keri Gammon: Gummi Bears
Ajay Puri: Flipper (the 60's
version)
Kate Saenko: Gilligan's Island
Jag Dost: Secret Agent Man
Reka Sztopa and Sara Stamm:
Spoilsports
Congratulations to Maryann
Adamec, winner of Dumb Assed
Easy Contest Number 5! Today,
Maryann is either the new president
of the AMS, or she's not. I'm not
sure, because this paper went to the
printers before the election was even
over. For more election opinions,
read my editorial. But for Maryann,
prizes! Fame!
The prize: An autographed
Nickelback CD, a bar o' chocolate,
and a brand new Science Stein.
Whoo hoo, Maryann! You can claim
vour Drize in SUS this week.
Dumb Assed Hard Contest #6
Name each and everyone of the Nobel Prize winners for
1999. You must include the full name(s) and the category.
Email Bree by February 2nd, 2000 with your answer, at
bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca
If you have won this year already, you can't win again. I
mean it. No, I'm really serious!
Would the winners of contest #4 who have not yet claimed their
chocolate (Roop Nanuwa and Amanda Hallman) come into
SUS or email Bree so she won't 'accidentally lose' youi
%>rke? bmonique@intemhange.ubc.ca
'SORRY 6UYS! I REALLY AM. TVS NOtI f/OU LIE FOR HOURS AND SET A PAT ON THE
YOUR FAULT THAT NO BOUNDARIES       BACK! IT'S PROFESSOR PANCAKE AND THE
ARE SET FOR YOUR LEN6THY J AKTS ADAAINISTRATION WHO AREJTO.BLAME
RAMBUiM© COMMENTS.
JUMPING OUT .MINDLESS BODIES11
INTO A COLD, HARSH, AND
UNFRIENDLY       WORLD!
71
SHALL
FRED, I'M JUST NOT
HEARING YOU.   YOU
NEED TO WORK
ON YOUR
COMMUNICATION
SKILLS. I JUST DON'T
SEE HOW THIS ALL
RELATES TO
STARDUST.
 >!
COME FROLIC WITH
ME IN THE GARDEN
AI=TER CLASS AND
YOU WILL SEE THAT
THE WORLD IS A
WARM AND CARING
v
IF WORDS WON'T SETTLE] 'yOUR ARTSIE t>AYS
THIS THEN PERHAPS A
MORE MODERN FORM OF
COMMUNICATION WILL
ET THE POINT ACROSSi
ARE OVER. ARTSIE! PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
O w JLv5iiwv
Monday
Tuesday
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Chem B160
9-5
Movies and
Popcorn
Wednesday
26
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Chem B160
9-5
Movies and
Popcorn
Beyond First Year
SUB Ballroom
12:00-1:30
Chem Magic
Show
Chem B150
12:30-1:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Chem B160
9-5
Movies and
Popcorn
CompSci
Scavenger Hunt
on Wheels
4:00 - 6:00 pm
Comp Sci Bzzr
Garden
SUB 205
6:00 pm
SUS Open House:
Come on into SUS in Chemistry
for 50 cents, a week-long film fes
science related movies (with the s
on the 'science' part of science fie
free water and cheap phbtocopyi 24 JANUARY 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
\mf \^4^J*
Thursday
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Chem B160
9-5
Movies and
Popcorn
Beyond the B.Sc.
Bio 2000
4:30-6:00 pm
Chem Magic
Show
Chem B150
12:30- 1:30 pm
Physsoc Paper
Airplane Contest
SUB Theatre
11:30-2:30 pm
B160
;t of
itress
tion),
ng!
Friday
28
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Chem B160
9-5
Movies and
Popcorn
Gamesday 2000
SUB South Plaza
12:00-2:00 pm
Cold Fusion
with Nickelback
and Templar
8:00 pm-12:00
am
January
24-28
2000 PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
Lions and Tigers
and Bearsl
Grilled Cheese
Lunatic
Butch Hotpants
Psychotropic Story
The drugs began to take hold while I
was leaning against the side of an elevator in one of those grotesquely modern
hotels downtown. The two grams of psy-
bocilin mushrooms had been right on
schedule.
A half hour previous, at 11:30 pm, we
had chowed down in one of those
hideous franchised sandwich shops, trying, in vain, to mask the taste of the poison we were about to ingest (which tasted more like the bark of some horribly
petrified log than anything else).
That sandwich shop had been an inauspicious place. It wasn't until my associate, Dr. Rock Hancock, and I, Butch Hot-
pants, had consumed a controlled substance that we noticed that the entire
establishment was rigged with surveillance cameras. What sort of rat bastard
psychotic fills a goddamned sandwich
shop with spy gear?
In addition to the surreptitious monitoring of our activities, this particular
restaurant housed an obesely fat man,
bedecked in a "Don't mess with Texas" t-
shirt, who felt the need to use the lavatory, located directly behind us, a total of
three times during our visit. I felt like
yelling, "Jesus Christ, man! Take your
goddamned gastro-intestinal distress
and shuffle on home." Alas, I got distracted by the wallpaper.
Oh, yes, that grotesquely modern
downtown hotel. Now, I had been on
the roof of the hotel previously and my
associate and I decided it was imperative
to reach this vista once again, for the
benefit of our psychedelic experience.
Mind you, the last time I was on this
roof of this particular hotel, I was a guest
and I wasn't wearing blue paisley polyester which, for a hotel security man
screams -in neon technicolour lights -
"Junky Fiend!"
None the less, we perservered, successfully dodging all hotel staff, we hijacked
an elevator and closed the doors. But our
attempts to elevate were foiled. Hotel
security had regretfully upgraded and to
get any higher than three floors, we were
going to need a room key. "Let's get the
fuck out of here," I thought. "ABORT,
goddamn it!"
But that would have been too easy. After
frantically trying to engage the "Door
Close" button, we were joined by six
suits in various states of inebriation.
Thoughts of gnawing off one of their
hands in an effort to land a room key did
cross my mind but, more than anything
else, I wanted off of this demonic ride.
The drugs were in my bones now and
with the walls starting to swirl and the
cackles  of these  goddamned  booze
hounds ringing in my ears, I was starting
to feel pretty twisted. What would I do
with claustrophobia rising and tolerance
dwindling?
Well, I did nothing. Rock and I simply
twitched anxiously until the last of those
fucks had stumbled away and the elevator was allowed back to the lobby. We
escaped into the night.
Dr. Hancock decided he needed a drink
immediately, so we entered the nearest
establishment. It turned out to be one of
those bourgeois, yuppie scum micro-
breweries bordering on Gastown. From
the moment we stepped inside, the
vibrations were against us.
You see, my associate and I, in preparation for a night of intensive revelry, had
assembled a wardrobe similar to those
seen in late-'70s pornographic films.
Meanwhile, our fellow patrons looked
like they had just filmed an advertisement for Banana Republic that was
reaching for a stark German demographic. They looked like they drove the
newest model of Volkswagon, whereas I
looked as though I lived in a VW van.
Against our better judgement, we
stayed. We grabbed a table and immediately summoned the nearest bar wench.
We began to feel all the eyes in the room
turning to look at us. Although perhaps
no one even batted an eye in our direction, this whole place had induced such
paranoia that even seeing my Aunt
Eunice anally raped by a polar bear
would have to be accepted and calmness
retained.
Back on course, man! So we were thirsty
and needed drink. Now, I must tell you a
few things about my associate Dr. Hancock. Hancock is quite a good-looking
specimen and has a penchant for naked,
gyrating women, particularly those that
dance at the Fraser Arms, a strip club on
the south side of town. So, when he
caught the eye of a waitress and she,
working at her respectable job, realized
that Dr. Hancock recognized her as a
dancer at the depraved and downtrodden institution that is The Arms, she
flipped into panic mode.
Oh god, those horrible looks we got.
She began to look like some Gestapo ice
bitch. Before she had the chance to grab
her monocle, I decided to clear the tab.
This may also have been brought on by
Rock's violent attempts to inform those
around us that he could read the letters
"E-S-P' in his beer. I slapped a twenty on
the table and we got the hell out of
there.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Hmm. You know, after that horrible tale
Butch told us lat year of the rock, the paper
and the scissors, I wasn't sure I'd ever be
able to see straight again. Something tells
me I shouldn't have had the fish
-ed.
Dan Anderson
s*T^v
Basketball Fiend
This just in!
Buy Science Stufi
22oz. Supersize Beer Mugs $3.50
Science Embroidered Sweaters $45*00
Science Embroidered Sweatshirts$30.00
Science Embroidered Touques     $15*00
Call 822-4235 for more information, or come into
SUS (Chem B160) Please!
*wo people just told me that cheese
is a wonderful thing. You can put
cheese in a casserble, it helps hold
everything together and makes the food
more filling. On the other hand, who
wants to eat something that is not even
bacteria; it's bacterial waste (and the odd living bacteria). The blue veins in blue
cheese are the leftover bacteria. And it makes you wonder just what kind of person
discovered cheese. ("Hey, look guys! This milk has gone so moldy that it's hard and
yellow and smells funny! Let's eat it and see if we can get high, dude!") Mmm... Millions and millions of bacteria... tasty tasty bacteria.... Makes you wonder what more
exotic foods have in them! In some upscale restaurants in Africa, there are tables
with round holes and leather straps on the bottom of the table. The straps are for
holding the monkeys' heads in place. The tops of the skulls are then removed.
Mmm... brains.... ('Ithinklam slowly melting, melting.... help me. Aaaaaaaaa!' -Miyako
Hewett, your illustrious biology departmental rep) I'm not quite sure where that one
came from. Good for her. Anyways, back to the subject at hand. Frisbees. I love AOL.
They gave me 4 months of free Internet. Then told me not to use their services again.
For six months. Heheheh. 5 months are up. I have received 3 CDs in the last month
or two. Heheheh. No longer do I have to use shitty connections. I can now use a shitty AOL connection. Yay for inbuilt required browsers, ("down, down, down, dirty dog
down, little boy sees beneath his feet, street, one, two, street, walk, walk, walk, there, far in
front, brown dog brown shaggy, snaggy dog brownie shag stroll, sniff, stroll, sniff, stroll.
Master Dog knowsit's world, knows whereto go, smell's the streety street smell, thebrown
of the street, the grey of the town, head up, nose down, mad dog little boy freeze, cold
frozen, watching shaggy walk shaggy dog walk, remember daddy, remember warning that
strange mad dog knows blood, remember strange dog knows mad dogs always win. Teacher
says dogs are for good, forprotection, for watchingbaybeeforstayingstill and trueandgood
to master good, dogs for petting dogs for safety, but dad says dogs can bite, can know when
master doesnt watch, can turn Dog not for dogs, but for wolf, for biting running away
torn home, from lassie, from good image, everyone still says dogs good, little boy freezes,
feet cant move, holding in his breath, his eyes, his arms, his smell, dog dont notice me,
please, be good doggie, not bad wolf. Shaggy dog ran from home, from good and true master, but everyone still says doggies are good, feeds dogs from backdoor, no harm from dogs.
Dogs are good
but little boy knows that not all dogs are good, not all black is black. Some dogs are
wolves, some dogs know we trust, and wait to bite, knows that dogs aren 't safe if family is
gone, knows that little boy isn't safe if daddy is gone, little boy walks, through nee deep
snow, through the ditch. Dirty dirty dog wont get little boy. Shaggy dog passes bye." -
Anonymous) (?? -ed) You know what? It really sucks for your life to not suck. I mean,
look at this article. What the hell am I supposed to write about? Nothing's wrong in
my life. I have a wonderful beautiful girlfriend, I didn't fail any classes, I have yet to
attend a mental institute this chronological year (although I'm not completely sure
that that's such a good thing) and I got lots of free booze this weekend. Where's the
material in this? As the joke goes, no one hears a country song about a guy whose
wife didn't leave him, whose dog didn't get run over by his neighbours truck, and
whose shotgun didn't get confiscated by the state police because he was drunk and
was carrying it around using it for a cane. On that happy note, have a good week.
You 11 have to forgive Dan. I made the mistake of asking him to play basketball with us
and man, did we ever lose. I wish Yd had a camera, because when Dan took his shirt off,
the other team fell down in shock Hey, I know, all-nude basketball! - ed.
P.S. I would like you to know that Dan does indeed have a girlfriend. No, she's not imaginary.
P.P.S. To whoever wrote that anonymous prose, you scare me A lot.
o
o
Give   it   to  us,Quick!
^^All  articles  and cartoons welcome
OMust make  the editor  laugh at
(>Jleast  thrice.
^1/frite  about  anything.   I mean  it.
PMnything.   At all. Please?
^wAll  contributions must
,Jjbe  submitted by 4:32  pm,
3Wednesday,   February 2nd.
{swjEmail  to
^ Obmonique@interchanqe. ubc . ca
CD    'PWl SkeY«A   ne<Js **^l
^    rUlt*!-^ +^  9g<42V. 111
CN
NEXT  DEAD 24 JANUARY 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE NINE
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The PrincetonRa/iew is not affilia ted with PrincetonUniversity.
TheMCATis a registered service mark oftheAssociMon ofAmercan Medical Colleges. PAGE TEN
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
You know you're
too stressed if...
Write for
With apologies to the T-Bird RA who wrote this..
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* The Sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you
* You can see individual
air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore
the possibility of setting
up an I.V. drip solution of
espresso.
* You wonder if brewing
is really necessary step for
the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You believe if that you
think hard enough, you
can fly.
* Things become "Very
Clear".
* You ask the drive
through attendant if you
can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again,
not  realizing that  you
have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a
language that only you
and Channelers can
understand.
* The less sense matter
and matter is more than
sense.
* You and Reality file for
divorce.
* You keep yelling, "STOP
TOUCHING ME!!!!" even
though you are the only
one in the room.
* Your heart beats in 7/8
time.
* You can skip without a
rope.
* It appears that people
are speaking to you in
binary code.
* You have great revelations concerning: Life, the
Universe, and Everything
else, but can't quite fond
the words for them before
the white glow disappears, leaving you more
confused than before.
* You can travel without
moving.
* Antacid tablets become
your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office
supplies.
* You have an irresistible
urge to bite the noses of
the people you are talking
to.
* You can the same sentence over and over again,
not realizing that you
have said it before.
* Losing your mind was
okay, but when the voices
in your head quieted, it
was like losing your best
friend.
Mmm, stress.
■ed
You Could Be A
Roommatel
Trevor .Presley
Llvin' Alone
I
am in search of a roommate. Now,
although this search does not involve
anything glamorous like sunken treasure and stands like chance of being
_>-—-—_^_-.^_«i^_—__—»«_    made into a Discovery channel special,
it has all the bad parts of searching for
missing treasure. There are disappointments, expenses involved, dramatics, dealing
with colorful characters and generally shifting through a lot of crap until you find
what you want. In the end, you hope will find a gem of a person, but it usually turns
out to be a cleverly shaped piece of colored glass.
My roommate search began as it always does, by posting an ad on the AMS Rents
Line. The friendly staff at the AMS Rents Line guides you through the process and
soon you are posting an ad like "One room available in a character house, roommate must be tidy and not mind sleeping among 8-foot tall tomato-like plants. Any
sort of injury or impairment to their sense of smell a plus. Your share of the hydro
bill only 5% of the total!" Once your ad is on the rents line, the fun begins! Total
strangers begin calling your house and ask to stop by at the weirdest times, like in
the middle of a home invasion.
If you ever want to see an interesting cross section of people who live in Vancouver, looking for a roommate is the way to do it. You get shy introverted people who
ask lots of weird questions like, "Are you guys loud?", "How much time can one
spend in their room before being considered weird?" and "Can I have both my
friends over on Sunday to watch the Star Trek marathon?" Personally I love introverted people as roommates, they spend most of their time in their room, they are
quiet and they are easily bullied into doing most of the chores.
You also get the freaks that stop to take a look at your place. They generally bring
their freaky friends along with them, as there is safety in numbers. These people also
ask lots of weird questions like, "Do you have a problem with a person who starts
small random fires", "What would you say is the overall Karma rating for your
place?", and "Would you have problem if I constructed a small alter to honor Shim-
bia, the god of all things organic?" These people are terrible roommates, as their
eccentricities, will make them unbearable to live with in a few short minutes, plus
none of their friends own cars so you get to help them move. The only plus side is
that these roommates scare away the Jehovah Witnesses.
Besides the two previously mentioned groups, there are a small minority of "normal" people who stop by and view our place. By "normal", I don't mean a person
who is perfect in every way, I simply mean a person who won't drive you to contemplate firearm ownership. A good roommate does their dishes, helps keep the
place tidy and doesn't come home at 3:00am with 50 of their new "bar friends", several of whom vomit into your plants. As well, a good roommate does not "borrow"
your sleeping bag, toothbrush or insulin for a weekend get-away. Unfortunately
these good roommates are hard to find. When you do find one, you offer them large
bribes to live with you, promise not to sit on the couch eating cheezwhiz while in
the buff and promise to hide your collection of stuffed road kill for the first month
of their tenure. This never works of course and you are left living with a freak while
you renew your subscription to "Hitman" magazine. At least I know how Geraldo felt
when he opened the Al Capone's Vault.
Science First Lectures
Managed Rivers; A case of hardened
Rivers carry the lifeblood of the ecosystem, and oae of our own most precious
resources. But & our attempts to control the water resource, and the rivers
that convey it, we have re-engineered river channels into fixed drains and have
modified runoff regimes to suit oar purposes. As die result, many rivers no
longer support the diversity of life and activities they formerly did. Can rivers
be resurrected? The question is important for us in Canada - we control a
significant proportion of all the remaining unmaaaged rivers.
Prof Michael Qwrch
Lecture: 12:30- 1:30 p.m.
Open for questions until 2:00
pjit
Thursday, January 27th, 2000
Westeook 100 (across fiomthe
bus loop)
jjpfe;;-';:, ; ■/■■■■■■■■^y--y-fe;^
Mountain Environments in the Balance
Mountain environments occupy about 20% of Ihe Earth's surface and provide good
and services to almost half of humanity. The United Nations has declared the year 2002
to be the 'International Year of Mountains'. Why is there such global concern about
mountain environments? Much of die discussion focuses on questions of balance,
variously defined. Most mountain environments are located at or neat the boundaries
of eeophysicalry defined plates: in this context, batlancefe a global scale concept relating
to long-term landscape evolution. Demographjcally and socio-economically defined
mountain environments differ m terms of contemporary population balance and
challenges asscaatedmthsustamabi% at regional arri local scales. Issues ofbkxflversity
and ecological balance, climate change and energy balaiK*, water resources and water
balance, accelerate erosion and sediment balance, cultural diversity and land claims,
human security and governance and sacred spaces and aesthetic values are especially
delicately balances in mountain environments over present and future time scales.
Mountain populations are integrated to varying degrees with lowlarKlcorrirnunities and
the wider world; but most mountain people see that their long-term development is
closely associated with empowerment and that long-term security is best not left to
outside agencies.
Dr. Olav Slaymaker
Dept of Geography
Lecture: 12:30-1:30 p.m.
Open for questions until 2:00 p.m
Thursday, February 10th, 2000
Wesbrook 100 (across from the bus loop) 24 JANUARY 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE ELEVEN
The Prophalactlc Drawers of SUS
resident
Mike Boetzkes
This is the voice of Mike. Mike likes
carrots. Carrots are healthy.
Mmmm, crunchy. Mike wants to
buy a new photocopier for chem. 160.
Send him money. You can leave money
for Mike in Phil's box in the SUS. 'Actually my box will do just fine -Mike)
Hopefully the copier will be crunchy
too. But it won't be orange, unless ifruit
photocopying makes it big in the next
few weeks (hugmef). Mike will be in an
alcoholic (Mmmm) coma when the
photocopier arrives, so he won't know
that it's not orange. (I'm colourblind
anyway so what do I care?)
Mmmm, beer.
Mike wants to thank everyone who
took advantage of the two-for-one (cr
the three for one, four for one...) voting
deal in the recent AMS elections. (Does
anyone have a need for a role of those
funny purple stickers that they put on the
back of students cards?) Mike thinks that
the vote was rigged by communist
pinko bastards and that we should drop
a missile on the SUB. Anyone who has a
Finance
Jag Dost
Hey everyone. This is perhaps the
first exec report I've ever written.
Kind of funny, in a sick and twisted kind of way. But seriously, there's
been lots of goings on in the past 2
months. The clubs have (hopefully) got-
PRCT
Kate Saenko
This week's public relations report is
going to seem boring compared to
last issue's wild and humourous
tales courtesy of our editor. Thank you
those who volunteered for Class Act -
you know who you are - and to those
missile hanging around can leave their
name and phone number in Phil's box,
along with a copy of their schedule so
that, er, Mike knows the best time to
contact you.
Mike would also like to express his
overwhelming gratitude to those kind
folks (bastards) who decided to break
into the SUS office over Christmas and
stole a bunch of stuff. (Goddamned bastards! Do you realize that now I have to do
actual work? Have I mentioned that you
are bastards!) Now Mike gets to spend
lots of money to get a proper security
system installed. (Mmmm lots of money
for me again.)
Lastly, Mike wants to invite everyone
to a really hot and rockin' party in the
SUB on Jan 28th, right before the fireworks (fire is good) and crater modeling.
(I'm telling you, mindless destruction is
Grrrrreat) We've got Nickelback playing,
and we've got the usual Russell beer
specials, and other kinds of substances
for your comfort and enjoyment. Cold
Fusion will be the highpoint of January,
and you don't want to miss it. Best of
all will be the bit when we vote for
biggest organizational disaster of the
millennium and tape her to the cairn.
Bye from Mike, for now. (Bye)
ten all their money by now. I know, I
know. Took long enough. I'd like to say
that it was my fault, but no. No it wasn't. I can say that I could have made
things happen 1 week faster than they
did. That's about it. So anyway, what
else? Ah yes, people have finally been
reimbursed for any money that SUS
owed them too. Now all I have to do is
find out how much money is left in my
account. Then I can go buy a new car!
you have already made a donation to the
graduating class gift 2000. If you still
want to get in on the action, bring your
$$ and come find me in SUS (look next
to the two losers who have been playing
Quake ever since the NT network was set
up on our brand-spanking-new PCs).
On a more exciting note. Science Week
is this week! There's lots of events going
on, so make sure you check them out.
Careers in the Medical
Sciences
Tuesday, Jan. 25th
5 pm to 9:30 pm
Woodward IRC 1
Free for Members
$3 for non-members
Representatives From
Inex Pharmaceuticals
AnorMED Inc.
Angiotech Pharmaceutiqals Inc.
The Department of Biochemistry
The Department of Pharmacology
The Department of Physiology
The Faculty of Medicine
For mora information, please contact us at bpp6planetfish.net or
visit us at www.planetflsh.net/bpp
| Internal Vice |
Reka Sztopa
Hi Everyone, I hope that you are all
excited about Science Week and
ready to get out there, show your
Science spirit and have some fun. I know
I am.
As for my stuff as VPI, First Year Committee meetings are underway again. If
you are in first year and are interested in
joining, come to SUS (Chem B160) on
Secretary
Keri Gammon
Happy Science Week everyone!
What has the secretary been up
to lately? Well, let's recap the
events of the past month: (1) I lost the
official SUS gavel (2) I went home for the
holidays and spent a large portion of the
time drunk (3) I got a fondue set for
Christmas from my little brother, so
maybe SUS can have "Fondue Fridays" or
something (4) I went to AMS council last
week and it ran for five hours (5) I was
on BCTV talking about how screwed we
are in Science due to lack of funding (6)
I found a bunch of super-cool prizes to
give out during Science Week (7) I stole
H
Ajay Purl
ey sup... Things to report:
(1) COLD FUSION
(2) GAMESDAY 2000
Well first of all, Cold Fusion is coming
along very well. Let's see, tix are now on
sale for $8 from any of the exec or at the
SUB box office. Here's the details: Friday
Jan. 28 2000, doors open @ 7pm and the
party don't stop till 12am. And best of all
NICKELBACK is performing w/ special
guest Templar.
Second, GAMESDAY details: Friday, Jan.
Sports
Sara Stamm
Well, you all suck. Science is,
once again, not at the top of
the list for points. I told you
again and again that we needed people
to play, and did you? Well, yeah, I guess
some of you did. We're third. But let's
Wednesdays at 5:30pm and help us out.
Also, committees are starting up and
getting going. Academic committee is
right now working on a survey that will
be coming out to you soon, and will
then be working on teaching awards.
SUS Image and Advertising committee is
meeting and we are brainstorming ways
to improve Science spirit and SUS's
image. If you would like to get involved
with any of these committees or any
other committees with Science council,
you can email me at rsztopa@inter-
change.ubc.ca.
See you all at COLD FUSION!!!!
half the prizes myself and had a wicked
weekend and (8) I ran in last week's elections for Senator-at-Large (and I hope
you all voted). Notice that none of my
highlights involved taking minutes or
answering the phone or making coffee.
I'm quite the secretary, no? So anyway,
enjoy SCIENCE WEEK and make sure
you come to COLD FUSION to see NICKELBACK for only EIGHT BUCKS. I'll be
there, and maybe if you're lucky you'll
get to hear one of my colourful stories
for which I've been receiving critical
acclaim. Seriously. One of my latest tales
was so thrilling and animated (not to
mention humiliating) that it almost
replaced this blurb for my exec report.
Buy me a Blue, ask me about it, and
maybe we can chat.
28 from 12pm-2pm. Numerous teams
compete, to become first on campus
(many prizes will be given out along w/
medals!). We need teams, these teams
can be anyone or any group of at least
five people. We already have a staff/proff
team and they some worth competitors,
so the bottom line: Form a team and
enter! Teams will compete in 5 events: 3
legged race, trike race, balloon stomp,
drunken piggy back race & of course the
most interesting - team cheer!
If you wanna help out for either event,
(therefore getting in for free for Cold
Fusion!) just in contact w/ me at coldfu-
sion2000@localbar.com!
And I am not in any way related to Flipper - The higher beings of pink pickles is
totally against the dolphin!
make a concerted effort to up that!
Everybody needs to do Rainfest and
Storm the Wall. I'm giving you money
goddammit! Well, enough blithering,
happy Science Week! Come participate
in Games Day, Friday at noon in front of
the SUB. It'll be hilarious fun, and you
might even see me, your prestigious
sports rep, make a fool of myself! Now
that's worth it, right? See you there.
February 4 - 6,2000
few Spaces Left*
On Hill Accomodation
A Whole Lotta Skiing
Outdoor Jacuzzi
Ten Local Bars
Ride To and Back
$200.00
Contact:   CSSS   csss@ugradies.ubc»ca PAGE TWELVE
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 JANUARY 2000
Can't We All Just Get Along?
(Note: Before you read this, go back and
read the legal information on page 2. This
isn't the opinion of the 432 or anyone else.
So there, -ed)
Ben Warrington
Opinionated redneck
Recently, I have been subjected to a
debate via email on Erin Kaiser's,
Jon Chandler's, and Lesley Washington's destruction of the pro-life display before Christmas. "Debate" might
be a rather strong word though; it has
mostly been an illogical argument only
slightly more sophisticated than "Yes, it
is! No, it's not!" Why I have been given
the great honour of receiving these
rants, I am not sure, but I wish that they
would just shut up and leave me alone.
One side in this "debate" claims the
issue is all about free speech while the
other claims it is about women's rights.
If one looks at these two claims, there is
a fair bit of support for each position.
They both have more or less reasonable
arguments from a certain point of view,
but then if you start with the premise
that a zygote qualifies as a human being
(and let's face it, there is no genetic difference between myself then and myself
now) and follow this premise to its logical conclusion, the claim that an abortion is murder is more or less reasonable.
Do you really think, though, that Erin
Kaiser weighed all of the issues carefully,
and after long deliberations and exten
sive soul searching, decided that tearing
into the display was the best course of
action to further (or trounce on) the
rights of students? Come on, she saw
something that quite understandably
upset her and in the heat of the
moment, she reacted - badly. Why Jon
Chandler and Lesley Washington got in
on it I don't know, but I haven't talked to
them so I can't say anything either way.
Following the same logic as before to
claim that women who have abortions
are guilty of a crime tantamount to
genocide is a little twisted, but not too
far fetched for someone who really feels
strongly about the issue. Let's face it
though (Wow, I have already used that
phrase twice in this article), equating
people who have abortions with Nazis is
a bit extreme, and even a good God fearing pro-lifer should be able to realize
that the vast majority of the population
would consider it ridiculous. I myself
find it highly laughable. No, the display
was not set up to inform and convince;
it was set up, as the pro-Erin side of the
debate claims, to incite hatred. The only
thing that those people have wrong is
who the hatred was aimed at. They were
not trying (at least not overly much) to
incite hatred against women who have
abortions; they were trying to incite
hatred against themselves to cause a
reaction like the one Erin, Jon, and Lesley so graciously provided.
I find the whole incident completely
hilarious. It even rated a two page article
in that bastion of stereo-typical red-
neckedness, the Alberta Report. I was
quite amused to find that it had made it
in there, so I read the entire article. I did
not agree with the tone of the article or
its conclusions (that magazine is too
right-wing even for a redneck like me),
but it brought up a few very good points.
The pro-life display was ridiculous.
Nobody sane would have ever been convinced of anything by it. As I alluded to
above, I would hope that even self-
respecting pro-lifers would have stayed
away from it. If the display had gone off
peacefully and had gotten no particular
attention even with the pro-choice protestors hanging around, the pro-lifers
would have been forced to either just go
away, or to become even more extreme
thus reducing their credibility further.
The issue would have gone away quietly,
and we would not have heard anymore
about it. However, by tearing into the
outwardly peaceful display, the three
students legitimized the claims of the
pro-lifers. The pro-life movement could
not have hoped for a better result from
this whole fiasco. They have gotten
more than a month of publicity out of
this, some of it has even made it outside
of the province . . . hell, they have even
gotten me to write an article about it
(and as Bree knows, I don't even average
one every two papers). Erin was stupid,
plain and simple. She fell into a trap.
Even she knows it and admitted it in an
article in the Ubyssey that I read quite by
accident and that I have not seen
referred to anywhere else in the now
quite prolonged, and in my opinion,
nauseating debate.
There is no big issue of Free Speech vs.
Women's Rights here. In fact, there is no
big issue here at all. Erin Kaiser was not
trouncing on anyone's rights, nor was
she standing up for anyone's rights or
even anything she strongly believed in.
She simply reacted; she was stupid; she
knows it; let it rest. If it makes anyone
feel better, whatever moral high ground
the pro-lifers could have briefly claimed,
they immediately flushed down the toilet by showing up at Erin's house and
threatening her. That really sounds like
the actions of a group of people that
know they have right on their side. I
don't think you are going to heaven,
guys, for ganging up on and threatening
a woman no matter how evil and sinful
she is. I am not particularly Christian -1
am pretty much an atheist, but even I
believe in, "Love thine enemy," and "Let
he who is without sin cast the first
stone." My God, I am quoting the bible.
I voted RBF.
Rebuttal: I agree with Ben, even though it
scares me If one expects to be taken seriously in a serious world, one must act seriously, which does not indlue calling names,
making threats or being a general ass. I
have heard Erin's side of the story, and I
know that she, John and Leslie were acting
in their interests as private citizens. See, I
can do that too. If! nave an opinion, I can
express it without being accused of abusing
my authoritay (As if I have any authority
here). Of course, I'm not pissing off any
religious groups. Myabe they didn't see the
"Jehovah Java" ad I put in the paper.
■ed

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