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The 432 Jan 13, 1995

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Archives Serial
Quote of the Week
Student politics is ... dodging the ego trippers, avoiding the empire builders, and circumventing the lunatic fringe.
 »	
Referendum!
Oui or Non?
Irving Washington
Raving Correspondent
VANCOUVER (REUTERS)
ECONOMISTS ARE shaking
their heads today as
rumours of a proposed new
political entity's anticipated
budget are circulating. While
the separationist leaders have
not divulged the details of
their proposed new budget to
the public, they refute the
forecasts of potential fiscal
mismanagement.
"Trust us," urges the
prospective young president-
in-waiting, "we know whafs
good for you. We're establishing the fabric of this new
country."
Much of the anti-federalist
stance results from the long-
confrontational relationship
between individuals in cabinets of the respective governments.
"They're just a bunch of
federalist fascists," is an oft-
heard battle cry from those
seeking independence from
the existing federal system.
"Bilgewater! Pinkos!" is the
typical response. "They can
just go and separate. See if I
care. Just don't come crying
to me when your economy
collapses."
But the separatist plan is to
do just that. And more: they
demand a 'divorce settlement'
of $40 billion, and an 11%
tithe on all citizens, in perpetuity.
A1993 attempt to remove
the budding political entity
from Canada was derailed by
a counting error at the petition stage.
"A lousy fourteen thousand
votes," explains the leader of
the abortive attempt.
"Another fourteen thousand
votes and we would have
made it. I guess I should have
checked to ensure they were
all Canadian citizens. Well,
I'll still sue the pants off
them."
"The real difficulty is the
preexisting debt," explained
political analysts. "You :>ee,
they're not interested in
shouldering the financial burden of previous administrations. More expensive still are
the costs of the outstanding
constitutional legal debates.
*Meech Lake' and
'Charlottetown' are just
burnin' up the cash. We
expect them to be resolved
sometime in the 21st
Century."
"A real concern is that they
will just run into some new
constitutional challenge - say
involving the right to free
speech - and have to rely on
Canada for legal expertise."
The difficulty is not getting
a majority of voters to support the new state, but to get
the required turnout.
Legislative experts from the
federal cabinet think they
have prepared an innovative
solution. The Prime Minister
explains:
"Well, my good buddy Ted
suggested that instead of trying to get the minimum number of people to turn out to
vote, that we have a 'reverse-
option' quorum. It's brilliant!
This way, people who don't
want the new country have to
call Telereg to cancel their
vote! Choke up the lines and
hey Presto! We have quorum!
The people who don't vote,
get one less service and an
increase in taxes to boot!'7
Legal analysts are trying to
implement the plan before
the authorities pass precedent-setting legislation barring such an approach, or
before Canada is forced to
assume the responsibility of
respecting the sovereignty of
the new state.
"The problem is, we have
technically had a UDI (unilat
eral declaration of independence) from that population
for years. I don't see any
improvement in the operation of that state with these
changes. And we have the
needs of other Canadians to
think of", said an unnamed
representative of the Prime
Minister's Office.
The new government
intends to move across the St.
Lawrence and rent operating
space from the federal government.
One difficulty may be the
fact that the newly independent country will be dependent on the federal government for much of their policy. Still surrounded by
Canada on all sides, and
almost exclusively dependent
on its trade, they have never-
the-less declared themselves
"...the official opposition." to
both Canada's existing and
future governments.
Meanwhile, they plan to use
Canadian dollars for all future
transactions, including
divorce expenses. Citizens of
the new country also intend
to assume dual citizenship.
Automatic citizenship will be
extended to all Canadian citizens, with the exception of
elected officials from federal,
provincial and municipal government.
"It's a marriage that's ending in divorce. I hope it will
be a peaceful one. I just don't
understand why they still
expect access to the credit
cards." muses the Prime
Minister. "And live in the
den."
The debate continues during the next week, and probably beyond.
Homo Sapiens
Diminiiius?
LONDON (CPI)
DESPITE THE commonly held belief to the contrary, human
beings are shrinking, at least according to Dr. Lloyd
Bateson, of the Natural History Museum of London.
Critics have call<?d into question Bateson's methods - and
sanity - saying that using the population of a small Midwestern
US town as a sampile is bound to create problems. Genetic
inbreeding is listed among the major concerns.
Bateson's hypothesis is based on the theory of natural selection. Bateson explains: "See, it's not like there's a very high
chance of being trampled to death by an elephant, or eaten by
a hungry leopard. Humans just don't need large bodies to survive."
Members of the Society Kriiticizing Wanton Abuse of the
Tall-less (SKWAT) are quick to disagree. "Reproductive success
is definitely based on your height! How many girls out there
actually hunt out us short people? Not many, that's for sure.
And the ones who do... well... let's just say I'd rather abstain."
In fact, height is still considered a major advantage when surviving in the world of the twentieth century. Most buildings,
appliances, and equipment have been designed for a person
with an average height of 5 feet, 11 inches. Anything less and
the person in question will have difficulty adapting.
Requesting anonymonity, a person of 5'4" described a few of
the problems. "One of the biggest tilings is the height of most
furniture. My feet are always left swinging. And driving a car is
a real bitch! I need to add blocks of wood just to reach the pedals. You gotta wonder how many midgets died in automobile
accidents 'cause they couldn't reach the brakes.
"And the worst about being short is when I'm in a bar. You
try getting the bartender's attention when there's a pack of
monsters towering over you. And you might as well stay off the
dance floor, unless you want to either be squashed to a pulp or
spend the entire night staring; at people's midriffs."
f,1 1HU.WTO
vn pwy uttfTo
THE WJTTW MONt*
\
DitGAT rm ietnm
is im **y-
UBC's Bookstore after tuition quadruples. T   H
FOUR
T   H   I
T   Y   -   T   W   0
Friday, January 13,1995
Volume 8 Number 8
Friday, January 13, 1995
Presidential Press Baron
Contributors
Other Stuff
Ryan McCuaig
Leona Adams, Jesse Burnett, Bella
The 432 welcomes unsolicited articles
Carvalho, Kevin Douglas, Tracy
and cartoons from students of all facul
Editor-in-Absentia
MacKinnon, Tessa Moon, Clen Stokes,
ties. Please bring in a disk (Mac or IBM)
Blair McDonald
Lynn van Rhijn, Matt Wiggin
plus a proofread copy of your work to the
SUS Office, Chem 160 before the posted
Assistant Editors
Printers
deadline. Elephants are people, too. All
Graeme Kennedy, Roger Watts, John
College Printers of Vancouver, BC
rights reserved as of 1995, The 432.
Hallett
4500 copies, biweekly
Shoplifters will be persecuted.
Table Tennis Tourney
CHEM D228
Register by Jan 26,
3:OOpm
Gym Night
February 3
9:30pm Osborne Gym
Gettin' a Goat
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I learned
over the Christmas break, it's that
caring for a hollow-horned ruminant
mammal is not the easiest task in the
world. In fact, I found it damn near
impossible. I guess I just don't have a
green thumb,
Not that a green thumb would have
anything to do with it, since household plants have very little to
do with goats. That is, unless
you're stupid enough to simultaneously let the goat roam
free in your house and neglect
to feed it. You're almost guaranteed to have all your indoor
plants neatly trimmed to a
wee, tiny stub, along with having most of your clothing :•: >: J
shredded and sent to the goat's seventh stomach along with your couch.
But 1 digrek Tlieonly thing that's
important: to this story is the fact that
now I have a goat ^ • -   * \.'•-' % .
Getting my goat was not without its
time I should have spent studying for
my Christmas exams. I even spent
most of one night singing epic
German opera to my goat, but even
Wagner wasn't enough to cheer the
goat up.
I was at a loss. I took the goat for
long contemplative walks along windswept beaches. The goat and I enjoyed
many a sunset together.
Nothing worked, nothing
at all. The goat seemed destined to remain a thin,
pathetic shade of what a
proper goat should look like.
There wasn't enough meat
on that goat to feed a single
family of Lithuanian sheep
herders. Not even enough to make a
single goat hamburger. And forget getting even a measly glass of milk from
the damned goat. That goat looked
like it was ready to roll over and die.
' Putting that goat out of its misery
seemed the most humane thing to do.
Blair
McDonald
difficulties. My^girlfriend, for instance,    I agonized over the decision I had to
threatened to leave if I ever brought
the goat oyer to her place. But I was
certain she'd love the goat if she ever
had the chance to meet it face to face.
And I wasfight;: fojfcshe absolutely.
adoreditssoft woolly hair. In fact, she
; thought the goat was rather cute.
Personally, I thought the goat was
bloody ugly. Most of my friends
agreed.
But taking care of the goat was
something I had to do, even if it was
particularly scrawny. Call it a ritual,
unique to those of us blessed with the
Y chromosome. So I fed the goat as
often as possible, with lots of carbohydrates and vitamins. I washed the goat
three times a day. I did everything I
could.
I spent hours tending to that goat,
make for days, but finally gathered my
courage, and sharpened my razor.
I looked straight at my goat as I held
my knife at the ready, hoping for
some sign of life. Nothing. My eyes
filled with tears as I brought the razor
closer, and then I gritted my teeth and
did the evil deed.
The goat was dead. And I wept.
The next day was the worst. No goat
to keep me company. No goat to chase
the shadows from my soul. No goat.
But I eventually got used to the
absence of my goat.
I suppose some people just weren't
meant to care for goats.
I suppose some guys just aren't
meant to grow a beard.
8th ANNUAL
SCIENCE
TRICYCLE RACE
-si - ,.;■■
!■■■     ^   ■ t.
Thursday Jan 19
- 2:30 SUB Pla
S-SKfelLj.,,, :*_
jfiip 'ii m of If'0^^e:}A^^m^:i^M^
:14-I:::Cosii^48: per ^^^
All proceeds go to Children's Hospital
Register at Chem B160 till Jan 17
7HMK VOU'Re SMART MOVGH?
THtNK YOU'RE FAST £M0t/6H?
Prow rr.
Computer Science Car Rally
6:30pm Jan 18 • SUB Partyroom
Admission $6/team + one can of food
per member for the Food Bank
Forms at SUS or CSSS Office
Bzzr Garden follows at 7:30pm Friday, January 13,1995
THE        FOUR        THIRTY-TWO
Hi ho, hi ho...
YOU KNOW, LEAVING UBC and
starting to work for a living has
really changed my views on life.
Really, I mean it. Oh stop
laughing. Now I possess the
belief that life really does
start at five o'clock. No more
staying up all night studying
for an exam half a month
from now. Now I stay up all
night wondering exactly
how I will spend the paycheck I'm getting in half a
month... okay, so that last
bit isn't exactly true. If my
next paycheck was in half a month I'd
most likely be out all night spending
the one I just got.
True, my best job to date was driving a van all summer delivering car
parts, but at least it got me a tan. And
true, I've only ever had a handful of
real jobs in my entire life, but at least
I've upheld my sacred vow to never
work at McDonald's. That's what's
important. No matter where your life
leads, keep your values toe and close
to your heart, whether your values are
not working at McDonald's, never failing psychology, or even to maintain a
strict distance of at least 10 metres
from plaid polyester. When you're on
your death bed, I think you'll find that
you can take at least some comfort in
the fact that you haven't let yourself
down... much.
But now we ask: Where does life
take us once we're in the real world?
Well, it most certainly takes us away
John
Hallett
from places like bzzr gardens, as I
found out in the first week of work. I
tried to make it out to UBC early
Friday night, but found myself
wrapping up a hard day's work
at around 6:00pm. Far too late
to go bzzr gardening. This is
depressing.
Is it worth it? Is the quest for
money a suitable replacement
for the quest for knowledge?
And, more importantly, how
does the quest for The Blessed
Amber Elixir of Life fit into
this equation?
"Aren't these questions better left to
the great philosophers of our time?" I
thought to myself. The unavoidable
answer was yes. So I set out on a quest
for the greatest mind of our time.
Unfortunately, Tommy Chong wasn't
in, so I had to answer the question on
my own.
Several days of deep soul searching
passed, and I discovered that the
meaning of life at work belonged to
the individual. It's a choice that only
each and every person can make for
themselves. So, without further adieu,
I present my guide to work: a comprehensive table that lists the important
factors in any life, whether that life is
at school, a normal job, or a job such
as my own.
In order to discover your true calling, just decide which lifestyle you
prefer.
School
Normal Job
My Job
Occasionally must get up
early in the morning to
attend 8:30 class
Must get up early everyday
in order to fight traffic and
make it to work by 9:00
Get up, go to work, come
home. Times aren't really
all that important.
Get long breaks between
classes to do homework,
sleep, hit on your TA, etc;.
Must make do with one
lousy hour for lunch for
every eight you work
Have time to nod off
between trips to the fridge
for pop
Spend hours a night doing
homework only to fall
behind anyway
Get to spend hours a night
preparing the report that
might get you a raise
Get to spend hours a night
wondering why exactly they
colour pistachios
Get to spend Friday nights
staggering from bzzr garden
to bzzr garden to The Pit
Get to spend Friday nights
enjoying some quality time
with the X-Files
Spend Friday night
wondering what everyone
at UBC is doing, then watch
the X-Files
Get to spend most of
Saturday with your head
under a pillow
Spend Saturday doing odd
chores around the house and
thinking about Sunday
Spend Saturday sleeping
Spend Sunday doing the
homework   that   was
supposed   to   be   done
Saturday
Spend Sunday thinking
about next Saturday
Spend Sunday wondering
why it isn't Saturday
Qm
Goodfor 1 session of
quality time from
boyfriends with high
maintenance girlfriends.
Void where prohibited by law
Development Office Seizes
Rogers Cable
VANCOUVER (SAP)
THE UBC DEVELOPMENT OFFICE seized control of the Rogers telecommunications empire yesterday, and has plans to use its acquisition to encourage
involvement in its annual Class Act graduating class gift campaign.
"I just sent Ted Rogers a quick note saying that if he didn't respond by
January 1, (the Development Office) would claim ownership of his company. He
didn't, so we did," said Simone Carnegie, coordinator of the campaign. "I think
it's called 'negative option.'"
Carnegie plans to use her newfound hegemony over Canadian communications—particularly the former Rogers Cable division—to "hook" the Science
class of 1995 into pledging funds for this year's graduating class gift: an endowment that will be drawn upon to purcha:se scientific periodicals for the UBC
Library. Due to recent budget cuts, the Library has pulled its subscriptions for
many of the less prominent journals.
"It's a pretty simple plan. You make your pledge, we give you a tax credit for
it, and you feel good about leaving a permanent mark of your grad class on the
campus. You get tightfisted about it, and we cut off your cable," said Carnegie.
She got the idea for the takeover and the potential extortionary power of a cable
monopoly after watching news footage of incensed Rogers Cable customers earlier this month.
The Class Act campaign is an initiative to get newly-employed graduates to
contribute money to something that they lacked as undergraduates. Carnegie is
shooting for an ambitious 100% participation goal, with expected pledges
(payable over three years) ranging up to $150.
"We're not ogres down here," said Carnegie. "A pledge is not legally binding;
if the time comes and you don't have a job, you can either defer or change your
pledge. No problem. All we want is a pledge to plan around. Otherwise, you can
kiss those reruns of Lovejoy and Evening at the Improv goodbye."
Despite her relatively compelling incentive for giving to the Class Act campaign, she acknowledges that a fair numter of volunteers will be needed to collect the pledges. "We're running an information meeting for volunteers—with
food and everything—on January 26 from 5-7 pm at the Grad Student Centre.
The best part of being a volunteer—other than being spared from having to
entertain yourself with 'who can stuff the most M&Ms up their nose' contests-
is that one of them will win a weekend for two at the Chateau Whistler."
"Uh, I don't know anything. About this, I mean," said SUS President Ryan
McCuaig when asked if he approved of the Development Office's apparently
heavy-handed tactics. "And please don't make up an ad masquerading as a news
piece about it."
Your own vv ~ spisce^^^p/mth.
"An islandj^fee net..."
for your free trial account, email seer@wimsey.com
Clean Getaway.
A RECENT ARTICLE from the
Associated Press highlights creative memorial uses for the ashes of
cremated bodies, dubbed "cremains."
For instance, ex-hunters can have
their cremains packed in with some
buckshot and contribute to the next
hunt, and artists-no-more can have
themselves used as pigment in oil
paint.
Another possibility we at The 432
would like to propose is to have yourself turned into a bar of soap. This
would involve having a friend leach
the lye from your cremains with hot
water, and then mix them with tallow that he had thoughtfully extracted before cremation. The best part of
this idea is that by removing the
hydrocarbons contained in tallow
from the corpse, there will actually
be fewer greenhouse gases released
into the atmosphere during cremation.
This bar of soap (99.4% pure Ralph)
could then be mailed to some one as
part of an attractive gift set. This way,
the dearly departed could fulfill a lifelong dream of spending several days
in the shower with Kim Basinger. THE        FOUR        THIRTY
TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
UBC ROADMAP TO COMPUTING
An Introduction to Networked Computing Facilities
Are you feeling a little overwhelmed by
the campus computing scene?
A Free lecture series has been
created to help familiarize faculty,
staff and students with the computing facilities at UBC. There
are nine lectures, which cover
such topics as: the basics of Electronic Mail, getting started on the
Internet, Netinfo/Interchange,
UNIX, LaTeX, and the C and
C++ programmring languages.
All lectures will be presented by Computer Science Graduate Students,
or Computing and Communications or Library staff. A companion
document called the UBC Roadmap to Computing can be purchased at
AMS Copy Right (in the basement of the SUB) for a nominal fee.
Lectures will be held Jan. 10 - 12, Jan. 16-19, and Jan. 24 - 26, from
12:00 - 1:30 in room 208 of the CICSR Building, 2366 Main Mall. If
you would like more information, please call Moyra Ditchfield at 822-
5809, or send e-mail to ditchfld@cs.ubc.ca.
This program was made possible through the support of The Teaching and
Learning Enhancement Fund and The Department of Computer Science.
Beginners Welcome!
TUTORS
' 7ut<>™*y
5e^^W
WANTED
AMS Tutoring Service invites applications from undergraduate and
graduate students for part-time positions as AMS Tutors. You will work
with first year students on a drop-in basis in core subjects.
AMS Tutoring Service is an education project of the Alma Mater Society
and is partially funded by the Teaching and Learning Enhancement Fund
of UBC.
QUALIFICATIONS:
• Excellent knowledge of one or more 1st. year subjects such as
Math, Physics, Economics, Chemistry, Biology, English (composition) and French.
• Good communication and interpersonal skills.
• Ability to convey subject knowledge effectively.
• Ability to work under minimal direction.
• Previous experience helpful, but not essential.
• Registered as a UBC student for the 1994/95 academic year.
Hours of work will vary, including evenings and weekends. The wage is
$9.00 per hour to a maximum of 8 hours per week. The successful
applicants must agree to work the full term, including exam periods.
Please submit resume, including a photocopy of your transcript and class
schedule, to the Director, AMS Tutoring Service, Room 249D, Student
Union Building, by January 30, 1995.
X
Deadline
Monday, Jan 21
The Return of
Ronald-Ann.
THE FOLLOWING is a
pseudoarticle rant being
performed by a highly skilled
experienced individual. Do
not, I repeat, DO NOT try
this without appropriate
supervision.
Hey you, in the gray sweatshirt and black jeans!. Don't
think anyone is noticing you peeing
on the side of that building, do you?
Well, next time, try not doing it on
the Skytrain route, huh? Pick somewhere less conspicuous, like maybe
one of the runways at the airport or
something. Why the heck aren't you
in school anyway?
Don't you laugh, Mr. "I'm cool in
my Armani suit". Yeah, the guy who
just phoned Crimestoppers to report
that guy dealing drugs. How did I
know? Well, next time if you insist
upon giving tips from a pay phone, at
least try using one with a booth, eh?
A lot of good the Witness Protection
Program will do you now. Didn't you
notice the guy measuring your
pantlegs while you were on hold with
the police? Oh well, the suit is more,
his colour anyway.
Hey you, singing along with your
radio in the car! Yeah, you, in the
blue Mazda with the "I live to rock!"
bumper sticker. Thought you looked
so hot drumming the steering wheel
like that, huh? Well, allow me to
point out a couple of things to you.
1) you have absolutely no sense of
rhythm, and
2) in Angel of Harlem, the line is
"Salvation in the blues, not" 'cept
when she sang the blues."
Grab some liner notes, man. And
you, in the maroon sedan who waved
at me when I was on my bike yesterday. Who the heck are you? And
finally, Nimrod in the pre-industrial
Toyota. I'm not April, OK? Whoever
she is, I may look, ride, or even smell
like her, but I'm not her, I swear it.
Hey you, wake up! Yeah, you, green
sweater, brown jeans, blonde hair in
my Medical Genetics lecture. Don't
think anyone is noticing you sitting at
the back of Wood 4, sleeping in class,
do you? Well, I noticed. Your snoring
woke me up. Cut it out. lam
impressed, though. I've never heard
anyone snore to the tune of "Dream
Lover" before.
Hey you, with the brown hair. Not
you, the guy behind you. Yeah, you.
You're cute. Just thought you might
like to know that.
HeyLabatt! Who are you trying to
kid? Are we really supposed to believe
that whichever of those X or Y beers
which loses out in your "Copper
Vote" won't reappear next summer as
Yellow Monkey Special Drafty
Genuine or Double Bock Cold Filtered
Leona
Adams
Dry? And you people in the
ad who think that getting to
choose X or Y is the height of
democracy? Well, I hope
you've got enough saved up to
put a down payment on a life.
I hear they've started accepting Interac cards.
And you, that woman in the
skintight mini-dress who was outside
the Roxy last Friday. We all know
they're fake, dear. Why don't you just
put some clothes on? While we're on
Granville, you merchants (and you
know who you are): a sheep is NOT a
toy. The sound "baa" should only be
arousing to you if you are another
sheep. And what is with your little 2
for 1 sales? Allow me to paraphrase
the words of the great Dennis Miller:
two of crap is still crap - if they really
want to screw with you, they'll give
you 3 for 1.
Hey, Gary and Bob! Yeah, you, the
knobs holding up the progression of
hockey. Thank God the season is
back, but you certainly took your own
damn sweet time about it. Enough is
enough already. Grab a couple of
rulers, drop your linen, and let's be
done with this.
And you, Liez, who probably didn't
like what I just said: sorry. But honestly, I think a lot of these things come
down to negotiator insecurity about
his phallus size. Not to be stereotypical, but I think that a pair of women
negotiating would have been finished
by now. "Let's see, your side wants
the age limit on free agency to be 30,
while my side wants it to be 32.
Hmm. What can we do about this?
Making it 31 would just be too simple
somehow. Oh, how will we get past
this major obstacle to the resumption
of the season?"
Hey Ed! Yeah, you, Ed McMahon.
Where the heck is my money?
Hey Touchstone! Yeah, Touchstone
Pictures, Disney subsidiary, etc., etc.
Who were you trying to fool, re-releasing Renaissance Man as By the Book?
Did you think that by playing up the
Dead Poets/With Honours aspects of the
film, you could con us into forgetting
that one of the stars is that Calvin
Klein jockey-boxers guy? That move
might have worked on Lenny and
Squiggy, but you'll have to get up a bit
earlier to pull one over on the rest of
the known universe, thank you very
much.
Hey you, reading this article!
Remember all that stuff I said about
not coming back? Well, I changed my
mind. I'm back. Deal with it.
Ed. Yup. She's definitely back, full o'
spit and vinegar and ready to let everyone
know about it. Don't say you haven't
been warned. Friday, January 13,1995
T   IH   E
FOUR
THIRTY
TWO
The Christmas Art
THERE IS VERY little to do at the
Bamfield Research Station, except
to play with dead fish.
Or sea cucumbers. I finally overcame
my mortal fear of squishy things.
Ahh... the memories! Many
an afternoon was spent at the
aquarium, trying to gather
the courage to handle anything in the finger pool.
Inevitably, I would end up
trying to flee the entire complex. Offering the otters
smokes for instructions on
how to get 'over the wall' is futile.
But now, I'm King of the Sea!
Tunicates? Slimy. Anemones? Sticky.
Hermit crabs and starfish? They eat
out of my hand. They eat each other
out of my hand. Occasionally, they
even eat my hand.
The problem is that I have developed a completely new fear of swallowing pelagic microorganisms.
Yummy, perhaps. But now that I've
seen the little critters, I feel kinda sorry
for them. I mean, when I go for my
annual Polar Bear Swim, can I really
call the mouthful of salt chuck I routinely suck down in my drunken state
a form of nutrition. My personal
impact on the environment is the
source of much dismay.
Picture this: The west coast of
Vancouver Island. It's 8:00am, a small
group of students are drifting in the
inlet, netting some microorganisms.
The ice patches are drifting by, twinkling in the amber glow of the newly
rising sun. An eagle drifts past. A cormorant. A roll of Fuji film... Stop the
music!
One of the students had some 'technical difficulties' with her camera,
exposing the film by mistake. A city
reflex: chuck it in the drink. No sooner had the canister left her fingers and
become airborne then she realized the
error of her ways. Time slowed down.
"Iiiiiimmm sooooo sooooormrryyyyy,"
was all we heard over the cawing of a
raven as he dodged the projectile. We
made her hold the hagfish.
Christmas is not just a holiday. It's a
series of personal skills, carefully
honed and augmented over a lifetime.
The Art Of Accepting Lousy Gifts. Aunt
Gertrude hands you a small box. You
open it. You examine your brand new
Best Of Bread eight-track. Now, your
first reaction wold be to spin ol' Gertie
around, put a bag over her head, a
flapjack down her pants and boot her
out the door. This simply isn't acceptable behavior for a mature adult like
yourself, and besides, how will you
manage to get the iron lung past the
foyer without help.
What you need to do is hone those
fine social skills and learn that the art
of accepting lousy gifts is actually a
special application of the art of obsequiousness. "Oh, you know, Bread is
all the rage now. It's that Retro-retro
fashion movement. Now my collection is complete!"
Graeme
Kennedy
The Art Of Tying A Decent Tie. Ties
are a must. If for no other reason than
to fool the folks into believing that
you are just popping in on the way to
church. The problem with ties is that
they need to be, well, tied. The
last time I actually knew how
to wrangle a Double Windsor,
I was wearing a woggle. I tied
one when I was about eight,
and never relearned how to
start from scratch. What I
have done, however, is continuously duplicate the original.
This principle of reverse-engineering
has been largely successful. I am, however, worried about duplication errors.
My current tie (eleventh generation)
was just identified as a sheepshank.
Genetic drift may have played a role.
The Art Of Expelling A Lousy Mors
D'Oeurve. I have discovered that other
people can't cook. I know I can't.
When I host, I go potluck, and supply
drinks. You buy them in a sealed container and don't mess with the original formula. If I actually do want to
punish my guests with a homemade
contrivance, I have ample opportunity
to perfect the trchnique to make it as
harmless as possible. Christmas only
comes once a year. This means that a
recipe that would normally take a few
months to detoxify after repeated
attempts will take generations to perfect when prepared once a year. This is
what happened to my aunt's cheese-
balls.
My mother (Ann Landers), also at
the party, noticed the bulge in my
cheek, and correctly concluded that I
was not storing it for the trip home. In
fact, she went so far as to recommend
a course of action to dispose of the
damn thing: drop it in the crapper. So,
I sneaked up the stairs, into the guest
bathroom, locked the door, turned on
the water. And lifted up the seat to
find the bowl already contained one
of the cheeseballs. Mom's I guess.
The Art Of Preparing Christmas Trees
For Judgement Day. The gaudiness of a
Christmas tree is directly proportional
to the campiness of the family holiday. I have friends who live by the
credo: "If it ain't scrapin' the ceiling,
it's not a Christmas tree." The top
bough always bends right over so they
have to scotch tape the angel upside-
down. Other guaranteed winners: a
Habs ornament. Edible ornaments.
Motorized rotating ornaments. Beer
cans. Marquee lights.
The Art Of Avoiding Mistletoe. Maybe
it's just me, but I am utterly convinced
that only the most brutally ugly or
Austrailopitnecus women will notice
when I'm standing under the ol' sprig.
The strategy is to scan any doorway
before passing through. Alternatively,
one must learn to manoeuvre around
a room like a fly: standing nowhere
long enough to tie caught off guard.
And when you see Lucy comin', just
quietly fade away...
January 21 (12:30)
Wine and Cheese
SUB Partyroom, $2
Info Night (6:30pm)
Speakers from all areas
SUB Ballroom,
Partyroom, 207/209
Free admission
leeway Persaw
Si.
sally [ant [lanCe
Friday February 3rd
Doors at 8pm
THI!
NO MINORS
a  BPP  Grad   Fundraiser  even-
/  M/ND ABOUT HALL-
The wrong reason for buying a dog. THE        FOUR       THIRTY-   TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
SCHEDULE Of EVENTS
W
A^^t^j
Chemistry
Magic Show
12.30-1.30pm, CHEM150
#
Departmental
Displays
All day, SUB Concourse
m
Physsoc/PSA/SOS
Dzzr Garden
4.32-8.30pm, SUB Partyroom
#
SUS Open House
11.30am-4.32pm, CHEM 160
Physsoc Egg Drop
Contest
12.30pm, PHYS 409 Lab
Departmental
Displays
All day SUB Concourse
Pre Med Gurney Race
1.30pm, Main Mall
#
Movie Night:
Star TreklV-VI
7.30pm-12am, SUB Auditorium
SUS Open House
11.30am-4.32pm, CHEM 160
TUESDAY
17
GENEROUS SPONSORSHIP f OR S(
RED ROBIN
RESTAURANTS OF CANADA LTD
T
TM Friday, Januaiy 13,1995
THE       F   0   II   R        THIRTY-TWO
JANUARY
16-20
Beyond First Year
12.30-2.00pm, SUB Partyroom
0
DioSoc Gyotaku
12.30-4.32pm, SUB 207/209
0
Departmental
Displays
All day, SUB Concourse
0
CompSci Car Rally
+ Dzzr Garden
6.30-11.30pm, SUB Auditorium
Red Cross Blood
Donor Clinic
9.30am-3.00pm, SUB Ballroom
Physsoc Paper
Airplane Contest
12.30pm, Hennings 201
#
DPP Trike Race
1.30pm, SUB Plaza
Departmental
Displays
All day, SUB Concourse
DioSoc Gyotaku
12.30-4.32pm, SUB 207/209
0
Red Cross Dlood
Donor Clinic
9:30am-3:00pm, SUB Ballroom
Twister Contest
12.30pm, SUB Partyroom
0
Micro Homebrew
Contest
4.32pm, SUB 207/209
0
Red Cross Dlood
Donor Clinic
9.30am-3.00pm, SUB Ballroom
0
DioSoc Gyotaku
12.30-4.32pm, SUB 207/209
0
Science Week Dance
with 54-40
8.00pm-12am,SUB Ballroom
THURSDAY
19
HENCE WEEK '95 PROVIDED BY
CM IMAX
THEATRE
AT CANADA PLACE
SCIENCE
R#GERS
VIDEO
Oneplex Odeon
THEATRES
BRITISH COLUMBIA THE        FOUR       THIRTY-TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
A Brief History of SUS.
3/02/1961 - Science and Arts are
divorced. A legend is born.
8/03/1962 - After a year of growing
pains, the Black Hand embarks on
its first major project. Claiming "if
they can make a good cup of decaffeinated coffee, why can't they send
a man to Mars?" The project is
undertaken by Science students
Robert Goddard, Knostin
Tsiolkovsky and Werner von Braun.
16/03/1962 - The start of a grand tradition: the Science double election.
In the first ever SUS Executive
Election, irregularities force a recall.
15/11/1962 - After Science threatens
to enter the Chariot Race, both
Engineering and Agriculture withdraw. Due to the extreme boredom
of racing alone, the Science juggernaut also withdraws, allowing lesser
faculties to compete. Besides, the
chariot track was too wide for three
chariots.
30/09/1963 - In their first entry into
the Chariot Race, Science resoundingly defeats the 'Geers. Aggies are
nowhere to be seen. The 'geers cry
foul, explaining "we helped them
rebuild their chariot after someone
swiped pieces of it!"
4/02/1964 - As a Science Week stunt,
Le Main Noir overturns an A-53
Austin at the main gates, using
emergency flares to simulate belching smoke. The effect is so realistic
that the RGMP and UBC Fire
Department come out to congratulate the pranksters. With some
quick thinking from the leader of
the Black Hand, the officials are told
"We were just emphasizing the
extreme danger of driving at this
corner."
14/08/1965 - Science becomes the
first faculty to publish and anti-calendar, the Black and Blue Review.
Students are polled on the effectiveness of courses, profs, syllabus and
text. Not surprisingly, some profs
bitch, but a general improvement in
teaching is observed the year after.
21/09/1965 -The Chariot Race is normally a amicable event where rival
faculties participate in easygoing
competition. This year, however,
the 'geers are still stinging from the
crushing defeat delivered by SUS
two years before. Halfway through
the event, the race degenerates into
a free-for-all. The Engineers bite off
more than they can chew, and
receive the brunt of the damage.
Twelve 'geers are admitted to hospital, compared with one Science
casualty. In an act of amazing brilliance, the 'geers consequently ban
Science from the Races, opting
instead to compete against the
tamer faculties of Forestry and
Agriculture.
4/01/1966 - Exposure to radiation in
his first year Physics lab causes
William Brommel to mutate from a
normal Science student to an academically conscientious one.
Symptom of genius also lead to his
triumph as the winner of the
Rhodes Scholarship.
20/01/1966 - Science Week is cele
brated with a legendary party,
where gate-crashing Mounties seize
one Miss Candy Jones, the center of
attention, and charge her with committing an indecent act. Police also
seize one projector, but are unable
to locate any film.
11/02/1966 - The Black Hand design
the first-ever human paperweight,
in the form of an EUS Vice-
President. Later design modifications include bent over 'geers,
ostensibly to "act as pen holders".
19/01/1967 - During Science Week,
SUS buries a time capsule, to be
opened in 2067, in Main Mall outside the Chemistry Building.
Unfortunately, one of the things
not included in the capsule is
Douglas Kenny, then Dean of Arts.
6/02/1967 -'Geers stflp SUS First VP
John Taylor of his clothing and
dress him in red underwear. A call
for vengence takes hold of SUS, and
amidst a display of fireworks and
smoke, any engineer found in the
vicinity of Main Library is seized
and thrown into the pond.
18/09/1967 - In an event reminiscent
of 1966, police once again crash an
event being held in the new SUB
Partyroom. SUS Executive deny all
knowledge of the event, pointing
out the room was booked by the
Young Businessmens' Club. The first
Black Plague is published.
14/11/1969 - One small prank for
Science... The result of drunken
debauchery during a field trip to
Florida, a NASA flag is filched from
the Mission Conference Room at
Cape Kennedy. This amazing trophy
eventually vanished, presumably
into the depths of the Cheeze.
3/12/1969 - SUS President Ron
Gilchrist, unable to find student
housing, decides to move into the
SUS Office with his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, their hot plate starts
a fire, which destroys the office. The
Dean of Science, none too please d
shuts down SUS until 1972.
11/03/1981 - Dave Frank, elected as
SUS President, revives tiw Black
Hand, Chariot Races, SUS involvement in Intramurals, and the long
tradition of incompetent presidencies.
19/02/1982 - SUS celebrates the first
ever Science elections by once again
holding a second one after the first
was discovered to have irregularities
17/03/1983 - SUS initiates fulfill their .
pledge by painting the Cheeze a
bright shade of pink. Another issue
of the Black Hague shocks journalistic critics.
23/03/1985 - The High Priest of
Ethanol, Ron Teljeur, erects his temple of twice-montly insanity, The
Underground.
1987 - The 432 is first published
24/03/1993 - The Black Plague is reincarnated, taking the form of The
Ubyssex. Pictures of carrots are displayed on the cover. Future issues of
the Black Plague also imitate The
Underground, still a temple of twice
monthly insanity.
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HE HAVE A WINNER! Dave taxes Friday, January 13.199S
THE
FOUR
THIRTY-TWO
AMS Briefs    Internal
Finance
BY TRACY MACKINNON
FINALLY THE ISSUE of the Ubyssey
Publications Society will go to referendum. During the AMS Executive
election week, there will also be a
question asking you if you would support the Ubyssey Publications Society
to the tune of $5 per student per year.
Apparently, you can opt out of this fee
levy if the referendum passes,
Council also approved the Winds Of
Change response to the Axworthy
report in conjunction with other non-
CFS schools.
It might be of interest to you that
Article III of the Ubyssey Publications
Society Constitution states that any
elected representative, which includes
AMS Council, all constituency councils and all club executives will not be
allowed to report, edit, type or contribute to the paper. This excludes well
over a thousand students.
My final message is to get out and
vote for AMS Executive, Senate and
Board of Governor elections and the
Referendum Question.
You might want to make sure you
get a bit of information about the
issues first, though.
Senate
BY KEVIN DOUGLAS
WELL, IT'S Science Week: a week
to celebrate the reason we're all
here, no? This Senate Report is
brought to you by Fruitopia, the great
new fruit drink from Coca-Cola. Track
yourself down a free bottle of
Fruitopia during Science Week, courtesy of the wonderful folks at Coca-
Cola Bottling and SUS.
This week there are three people
running for the position of Science
senator for the year 1995-96. Only
Science students can vote for them, so
make sure you get out and cast a vote.
Usually the only venue for Science
Senator voting is the Chem Building,
so make sure to drop by there sometime this week and cast your ballot.
Senate is wrestling with many issues.
The Admissions Committee has overseen revisions of the admission
requirements for quite a few of the
faculties, Science included. A lot of
interesting curriculum changes have
occurred as well. There's a brand new
combined Baccalaureate and Master's
degree in Electro-Mechanical Design
that has been approved for qualified
budding engineers. In addition, major
program revisions are underway in the
Faculties of Medicine and Commerce.
So, if you plan to pursue either an
M.B.A. or an M.D. after your B.Sc.,
don't expect the program to resemble
the current curriculum. O.K.?
Finally, I would like to encourage
everyone to check out the events at
Science Week. Get out there and have
fun.
BY JESSE BURNETT
WELL IT SEEMS my uneventful
year has suddenly snowballed
on me. But I suppose this little scribble
should focus on my SUS activities. The
First Year Committee held a very successful video night in December and
we have decided to hold another one
in February and if it is equally successful we hope to hold Video Night Every
other Wednesday night of this year. I
received everyone's nominations for
the Teacher's Excellence Award and
the canidates will soon be rated. The
FYC also has two wonderful events
taking place during Science Week. We
have the Beyond First Year Wednesday
at 12:30-2:00 in the SUB Partyroom.
This event will have information
about all departments of Science you
can choose as your major next year
and FREE FOOD and PRIZES!!! Then
Friday at 12:00 in the SUB Partyroom
we have The TWISTER TOURNAMENT!!!! For two dollars you can Twist
your way to prizes and have your
friends laugh at you hysterically in the
mean time. Check out our posters for
details we could have an interesting
angle on this traditional party game!
Well hope to see you at 54/40 but if
not perhaps I'll see you in the office,
or class, or donating blood, or in res,
or at a party, or at the Pit, or at
Safewalk, or in the Sub. Who knows!?!
Sports
Snorts
BY BELLA CARVALHO
REBATES ARE, NOW available in
the AMS business office (SUB
266). For some teams, the rebate
will be less than 50%. This was
done for teams who had more
imports than is allowed (two). A
percentage of the rebate was
deducted proportionally with the
minimum number of members per
team, and number of imports.
If this is still not clear, please feel
free to come and ask me, in SUS.
As for sports teams, deadline for
league sports was last Friday. If you
registered a team, be sure to get your
rebate applications in as soon as possible - any changes made to the roster
before the roster declaration should be
brought to me before the deadline for
rebates application (or else I will
assume that the roster you give me is
final)..
Sign up now for
the Following Sports
Tournaments
[Tl POn flm Open Badminton Tourney
^* Sot, Jon 21 (Register by Jon 18th)
[g~| Threeon Three Volleyball Tournament
^■" Sun. Jan 22 (Register by Jan 18th)
Rl Sub 6'/S'8' Basketball Tourney
^™ Sun. Feb 5 (Register by Feb 1)
Intermurals office or SUS
BYLYNNVANRHIJN
I'M SO HAPPY I could almost sing a
Mary Poppins revival. You know,
Let's Go Fly a Kite, Spoonful o' Sugar,
Supercalafragalisticexpialadocious, etc.
Yes, I am that deliriously joyful. The
budget, after being totally hauled over
for the past two weeks, is finally balanced! The final result - $0.40 out.
Not bad, huh? This is actually very
good compared to one day at work
when I was $1.4 million short. It was
just a minor techincality, I posted a
service charge for $1.40 and acciden-
taly added a few extra zeros. Oops.
Needless to say, I still have a job, but
they now have me answering the
phones. There is another story there,
but since it isn't finance related, I
guess I'll have to save it for another
time.
Speaking of finance stories, did I ever
tell you about being held up by
Teenage Mutant Ninga Turtles? This
is a true story. Imagine to our surprise,
a mutant turtle and another unidentified bandit charge into the branch,
threaten us with a non-existant gun,
and proceed to do an unauthorized
withdrawal. As time passed, the men
in blue were not able to apprehend
the hoodlums, so the big guns were
brought in - Crime Stoppers. Perhaps
we can get them cover the story of the
lost change from the laser printer jar.
YEAR TO DATE
BUDGET
REVENUE
PRIOR FISCAL
6,631.64
4,500.00
FEES
27,232.00
45,000.00
MISC REVENUE
0.00
100.00
PHOTOCOPIER REVENUE
748.85
2,300.00
POP REVENUE
826.50
2,200.00
REVENUE TOTAL
35,438.99
54,100.00
EXPENSES
TELEPHONE
355.45
720.00
OFFICE SUPPLIES
380.88
800.00
POSTAGE
4.60
0.00
MISC EXPENSES
487.95
600.00
PHOTOCOPYING
0.00
600.00
TRAVEL
(762.00
200.00
PROMOTION/ADVERTISING
0.00
100.00
PHOTOCOPIER EXPENSE
2,078.31
3,000.00
OPEN HOUSE EXPENSE
0.00
450.00
COMPUTING
753.18
500.00
PUBLIC RELATIONS
0.00
200.00
ELECTIONS EXPENSE
351.94
800.00
CLUB GRANTS
376.00
6,400.00
SPECIAL PROJECTS
1,508.92
1,000.00
POP MACHINE EXPENSES
1,166.55
2,300.00
ACADEMIC
60.00
750.00
ACADEMIC ENTERTAINMENT
522.61
400.00
SOCIAL - NET
3,872.64
3,500.00
SCIENCEWEEK - NET
240.00
3,800.00
FIRST YEAR COMMITTEE
405.37
1,200.00
SUS SPORTS
0.00
10,000.00
SUS PUBLICATIONS
2,553.00
8,000.00
THE GUIDE
4,129.00
4,500.00
FRUAENDORF BURSAY
500.00
500.00
EXPENSES TOTAL
18,984.40
50,320.00
NET SURPLUS/DEFICIT
16,468.51
3,780.00
Introducing...
Monday, Jon 16th
SUB Partyroom
4.32 to 8.32
Psychology Students Association
Physsoc and Science One {im
Bzzr Garden 10
THE        FOUR        THIRTY
TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
Christmas Past.
Food for Thought
I'M PROBABLY a little late to bring
up the subject of Christmas, but my
timing has always been poor at best.
Besides which, this way I get to write
about the subject while it's
still fresh in your mind
(depending on how happy a
New Year you had, in which
case anything that happened before January third
in your life may be little
more than a grey haze.) It's
my opinion that the holiday
needs some revamping; there are some
aspects (especially the timing,) which
could use some adjustment. Just a little disclaimer here before I go on: I
love Christmas. I really do, despite the
fact that it's horribly commercialized
and, at times a rather silly holiday. I
just feel it could be improved some.
With that in mind, here goes...
First and foremost, I feel that the
"Going home" part of Christmas is
still pretty important. It's the little
things about being home that are the
best. I like being able to get up in the
morning and say "Hey! I'm out of
toothpaste here!" knowing that, however sarcastic the reply, it will still contain directions to where I can find a
new tube, and one that's in the house,
not sitting on a shelf in the local drugstore.
I like knowing that I can go for two
entire weeks without ever having to
eat a bite of burnt food. And I really
like the fact that it's a novelty for
everyone to have me around (I'm an
oldest child, so I was never been able
to convince my relatives I was actually
interesting until I left.) The whole
"everyone dotes on me" idea is one
that I feel we could really expand on
for next year. When I get home, we
could have a city wide Welcome Home
Matt, We All Love You (Even if You Did
FaU Math) parade.
This would also help the make transition from school to home a lot easier
(although, granted, it would make
coming back tougher.) It's just that
right now, coming home is a sort of
culture shock; exams and Christmas
are psychologically incompatible.
Give it some thought: by the end of
exams, everyone has had three nervous breakdowns, and wishes nothing
Matt
Wiggiii
more than to get off the bloody campus and away from all of the other
stress cases. There is, however, a worse
group of people to be around at this
time of year, and that's the
happy people, otherwise
known as my family. With my
updated version of Christmas,
however, people could just do
what I tell them, and speak in
quiet, neutral voices for about
three days following the parade
until I felt like myself again.
Then, we can all celebrate the rest of
Christmas as normal.
But Christmas can't fill the entire
holiday season alone; we also need
New Year's. New Year's is the most
messed up holiday I have ever celebrated. Think about it: we all go out
and get right drunk. The reason for all
this? Simple: It's New Year's and that's
what you do. If this sounds like a
rather circular argument to you, then
you're following what I'm saying. Not
only that, being drunk on New Year's
Eve ensures that everyone wakes up
January first with a hangover of epic
proportions. Not the best way to start
things off, if you ask me. But I have a
solution to this too: move New Year's.
I figure why not? There's no real reason that the calendar year starts where
it does, so I don't think anyone should
have any problem with changing it to
a couple weeks earlier. Ideally, we
could make New Year's Eve the last
day of exams. That way everyone has
a good reason to drink, we can all
claim to have no recollection of anything that happened before 4:00pm
January first (especially useful for
when your relatives are asking how
school went,) and while everyone will
still bring in the new year with a
hangover, at least exams are over.
And, when I get home, I'll have fifteen
people help me get better, fetching ice
packs, water, and Tylenol...
Ok, I know, I'm being optimistic in
thinking that next year will be like
this. But just you watch, the day will
come when all of these things come to
pass (except maybe the parade bit.)
Until then, I'll just suffer through conventional Christmas, secure in the
knowledge that change is coming.
Friday, Jan 20 (12:30)
SUNY Optometry
Tuesday, Jan 24 (12:30)
Houston University
Thursday, Feb 2 (7:00)
Wine and Cheese
SUB Ballroom
by Graeme Kennedy
CURRENTLY, THERE is a great deal of
controversey revolving around the
issue of The Ubyssey. Everybody feels they
have something to say, others just feel
they have to say something.
Each of the two positions is guilty of a
worse crime than babbling: the crime of
assuming that the electorate is stupid.
What am I talking about? Jo-Ann Chiu
explains in the Sosueus that the opinions
of CUP and those who agree with it is
"What smart people know about the
press".
Each camp is focussing on one aspect of
the campaign. Presumably to simplify the
situation for the presumed-thick voter,
AMS feels that quality is of primary concern. Staffers feel that freedom of the press
is the one and only issue. Sure, these are
valuable to consider, but they are neither
exclusive of one another nor singularly
difinitive in their conclusion.
I would like to describe some concerns
and features of the proposal, as I see it.
Benefits:
•The Ubyssey has the habit of costing a little more money than expected. Worse
still, there is no way to tell from year to
year what this amount will be. Ensuring
sufficient revenue is no longer the
responsibility of the AMS to cover out of
discretionary spending.
•Another major expense of the Ubyssey not
specifically listed as a cost of the paper is
the fact that the AMS currently covers
their legal bills (as they do for all AMS
organizations). This approaches $100,
000 for the past couple of suits.
•The AMS can now support students who
decide to sue the paper. Also, the
Directors of the Society (Council) can
now sue the paper for libel. They are
restricted currently, because they would
be suing themselves.
•The Executive of the last few administrations has felt that the paper draws an
disproprotionate and exhausting
amount of time from their schedules.
Removing the Ubyssey from their scope
of responsibility will increase the time
available to other concerns.
•The students need as much information
as possible. Increasing the sources is likely to increase opportunity to learn the
information necessary to enjoyment of
the university experience.
•University papers are in the unique position (whether autonomous or not) to
publish without an economic straight-
jacket. It allows overstaffing, overcapitalizing, and - most importantly - mistakes. This is the place to learn.
•This may end a great deal of bellyaching
on the part of the paper. Subsequent
success or failure can only be attributed
to their own efforts.
Subjects of concern:
•Copies of its Constitution are not available.
•Having read previous versions of the
above, I am not confident that it says
anything at all. There is a great deal of
lip service to a Code of Ethics, which has
no effective rules of conduct. Only
broad definitions.
•A consistency of double standard: I am
dismayed to see that despite their focus
on the democratic process, the
Constitution is specific in its intention
to disallow over a thousand students
from voting in their elections, because
they are elected to leadership positions
in an AMS organization. Of course, they
except themselves from this regulation.
Most recently, the staff declined to write
about their position in this paper, but
did request to see The 432 before publication.
•Copies of its budget are not available.
(notice a theme) I don't suspect secrecy;
just disorganization.
•Having examined their ledger in 1993:
Revenues: Startup grant $40, 000 + $5/stu-
dent $150, 000 + Advertising $60, 000
(low, takes their hiatus into account)
Expenditures: Printing $80, 000, Capital
$10,000, CUP Fee $10, 000, Supplies $2,
000, Cameras $1, 000
Balance (presumably 'wages') = $147, 000.
•They have shown little interest in doing
any of the technical or administrative
duties, or in finding a volunteer to do
them. They are planning to hire a 'professional' to manage their day-to-day
operations. Snake-oil salesmen live for
opportunities like this.
•They are no longer the AMS's pet publication. There is no reason for the students
to buy advertising in the paper. Neither
is there a reason to let them distribute in
the SUB if they don't want to.
Complications Of Autonomy
•Libel is very expensive. It also needs the
cooperation of the staffers. With $150,
000 to burn, and a reputation for refusing to cooperate with the defense
process the paper would be a target for
lawsuits. Remember: you don't have to
prove that you're libelled; the paper has
to prove that they didn't libel.
•In an ironic way, the paper now has to
learn the art of self-censoring. Libel
could put them out of business.
Advertising problems will mean that
they spend hours on the phone selling
ads, not writing or investigating.
•The paper is out of the students' hair, but
not out of their pockets. I forsee resentment.
•Increased dependence on outside CUP: I
examined Hie Sosueus very carefully. The
articles were written by three Gleaner
writers, a Courier writer, an Other Press
writer and Allan Fotheringham. These
are CUP's big guns. The Ubyssey staffers
got nearly illegible sidebars. CUP has
moved in with full force to protect their
$10,000 investment. I also recognized
the T-shirts from last year's Gleaner
Autonomy campaign.
So, to summarize.Vote Yes, if you want
the paper out of our hair at any cost, and
are confident that the staff have considered the difficulties thoroughly and are
competent to manage; vote No, if you
have reservations regarding the vagueness
of the Ubyssey's setup.
A parting thought... the Sosueus: p4: "Be
individual: be like them." Huh? Friday, January 13,1995
THE        FOUR       THIRTY-TWO
11
Disinterest ^ Apathy
TO TAKE SIDES on the issue of an
independent Ubyssey would only
serve to get my knickers in a twist, so I
won't do it.
It should suffice to say that when
filling out my "referendum opinion
registry form," I signed up as both a
"yes" campaigner and a "no" campaigner. It was the closest approximation I could make on the
form to a "huh?" category.
I think there should be a
third box on the ballot for
the "don't know, don't care"
crowd. It would prove a popular choice if such people
actually cared to vote.
Why? Michael Crichton
recently wrote:
"Increasingly, people perceive no difference between the nar
cissistic self-serving reporters asking
questions, and the narcissistic self-
serving politicians who evade them."
I don't intend to exonerate student
politicians (which, I admit, I was once
and continue to be in a minor sense).
For every point raised here, there is no
doubt an equivalent one that can be
raised in reference to AMS Council.
However, I—like most of us.—-have difficulty seeing my own mistakes as
clearly.
I simply hope to argue that the consequence of Crichton's observation is
that on all levels—but particularly at
the student one—journalists and
politicians are so fascinated with one
another that neither notices that Joe
Constituent stopped paying attention
long ago. A quick mental review of
last term's Special General Meeting
backs me up here: failure to even
reach a quorum was the last thing
anyone expected.
There is a sketch from Monty
Python's Flying Circus where a man
pays £5 to have an argument with a
professional. They proceed to dispute
the idea that an argument is distinct
from "automatic gainsay of what the
other person says." The subsequent
exchange ("No it isn't!"/"Yes it is!") is
reminiscent of AMS-Ubyssey relations
for the past few years: boring, petty,
and completely irrelevant for those
who are not part of the argument.
That both Council and the Ubyssey
Publications Society accept the proposition that the Ubyssey as we know it
is better off being independent is a
rare instance of both parties transcending their knee-jerk tendency to
Ryan
MeCuaig
disagree.
The reason behind the qualifier "as
we know it" is because that Ubyssey—
the one that desperately needs a
divorce—is one which adopted an a
priori hostile aittitude towards Council
and everyone on it. A similar attitude
seemed to exist in Council, but I'm
more interested in examining the fact
of this mutual antipathy than
in discovering its instigator.
Obviously Council's onesided ability to use extreme
force on the Ubyssey wasn't
very fair if you take the view of
them as two mighty warring
factions. My impression of
recent Ubysseys—based both
on my time on Council and on
bald statements in the paper to
this effect—was that students
went into SUB 241K to be part of a
grand struggle to hold student politicians accountable. However, I found
this spring's woeful lamentations a little hollow; one who engages in a conflict really should be prepared for
defeat.
The questions I put forth for your
consideration are these:
• Should the new Ubyssey take
on the mantle of "opposition leader?"
• Given that an adversarial
Ubyssey is a party to "the dispute"
(whatever it happens to be), should it
be in a position of deciding the "public interest?"
I answer both questions with a "no."
As to the first question, I think it
was both presumptuous and shortsighted for a non-elected group of students to put themselves forward as the
"opposition" (I mean not elected by
the student body at large—the same
electorate as Council—when I say
"non-elected").
Presumptuous, because it was
assumed that Council thinks and acts
as one person, and thus requires a balancing "opposition." This idea
demonstrated an ignorance of the
day-to-day operations of Council at
least equal in magnitude to Council's
much-ballyhooed misunderstanding
of the trials and: tribulations of
Journalism. Ironically, for the Ubyssey
to have declared itself Council's mortal adversary only made it more likely
that Council would get fed up and
unite on such issues as last spring's
disastrous policy of appointing
Editors-in-Chief.
Short-sighted, because the pre-
EQUAL SPACE was offered to members of the Ubyssey
Publications Society to allow them to publish their own
point of view. This offer was politely refused, so we attempted
to write opinion pieces advocating the need for complete
information, taking into account possible arguments from the
YES side. Interestingly enough, they also expressed a desire to
review our articles before press time...
dictably negative attitude that arose
from a declared antipathy crushed
optimism and idealism in the student
body. A student newspaper wields far
more influence over public perception
than any politician could ever hope to
gain; thus, it deserves at least an equal
share of the blame for rampant cynicism and disinterest. It has encouraged
the (to me) inexplicable view that student politicians—as a class, not individuals—are manipulative villains,
that the only reason anyone gets into
student politics is to deliberately adopt
unpopular policies and alienate people.
I now understand my own lack of
surprise when we get student politicians that are seemingly indistinguishable from the preceding bunch. Who
else would want the job? I also almost
fell off my chair from being not surprised when the student body failed to
notice or care when the sky finally did
fall on the Ubyssey. Why shouldn't
students have expected it and felt relatively powerless to do anything about
it?
Now, given the involved, partisan
nature of Ubysseys that chose primarily to be adversaries, it is not appropriate for a such a paper to perform the
journalistic task of judging what is and
is not in the public's interest. I could
justify my opinion by invoking the
same vague conscience that has been
used to vilify the AMS's actions as
"morally wrong." However, an appeal
to reason would be more effective:
would you approve of a civil action in
which the defendant was not permitted to speak to the judge, but had to
filter all his comments through the
plaintiff? One in which, if the plaintiff
misunderstood the defendant, he
would convey his own understanding
and only correct himself after a judgement had been reached? Most reasonable peojjle would not approve. Yet
that is the situation when we have a
student paper that sees itself as a
champion of justice.
Why do I dredge up the past? The
Ubyssey's being granted independence
can be seen as a turning point, and
the time at which recommendations
have the greatest leverage. Now is
when its directors should be challenging themselves and their own axioms
about journalism if they hope to successfully convince students to challenge other beliefs.
I do believe that this referendum
represents the last chance for having a
broadly-based student newspaper in
my academic lifetime; Council will
not resurrect it again if faced with a
"no" result (it's understandably a little
gun-shy). However, I also believe that
granting Independence to the Ubyssey
will have been a wasted effort if neither Council nor the new paper prove
willing to drop their dogmatic mutual
distrust. Hence my "huh?" vote on the
whole issue.
If they don't, the battle will continue as it has for the entire history of the
Ubyssey, and eventually its soldiers
will move into government and the
press and keep right on going.
And again and again, the question
will be (rhetorically) asked to progressively larger groups:
"Why don't any of you care?"
Ryan MeCuaig is a seven-stomached
literary ruminant who can chew a point
for a while, finally swallow, and then
unexpectedly regurgitate it for consideration again. In his brief political career,
this resulted in some spectacular instances
offence-sitting.
--.-SBTHftri-.rr. i
Always mowmsjom
WE'N'r H/*e rjNowc-itt
clftlT-ftuNJ) MM,,
Sex education gone drastically wrong. 12
THE        FOUR        THIRTY-TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
UBC Student Tix: $14at the DNS Box Office starring Friday, January 6th • No Minors
Featuring Pint for a Pint!
Give one pint of blood at the Clinic, and the first 432 people mill
receive a coupon redeemable for one pint of the other life-giving
fluid at the Science Week Oance
$Wf*****s
SCIENCE
UBC

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