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The 432 Mar 29, 2005

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VOLUME 18 NUMBER 11 MARCH 29 - APRIL 8 / 2005
VANCOUVER'S NEWS & OTHER STUFF WEEKLY
WWW.STRAIGHT.UBC.CA
finally
leaves
PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP • FREE BEER • ACF COVERAGE • BOB THE ANGRY FLOWER 2
LETTERS
People Rambling on and on and on and
on about absolutely nothing of conse
quence.
3
NEWS
UBC Senators are planning for the
upcoming super merger of UBC and OUC.
Find out about all the other happenings
in senate.
> DAVID RIENDL
4
ARTS
Child prodigy Naomi Heeds explores the
wonderful world of drawing off the page.
> DICK YOKEL
8
CLASSIFIEDS
Personals | Adult services | I SawYou's
And more... maybe... not...
10
POLITICS
The results of the SUS 2005 Executive
Elections. Find out who gets to make
your decisions for you next year...
m
Letters:
Why does everybody have to rag on
University Town?
What is everyone's problem? Why don't all the students of UBC
embrace University Town? What a great opportunity! Finally there
will be enough jobs on campus so all those students that complain
about ridiculous tuition increases will be able to anti up the cash.
Some of you also complain about the impending loss of the grassy
knoll and the trees around the SUB. Who wants green space? It only
harbours the squirrels. Those bastard squirrels always climb in
through my window and eat my bananas. In conclusion, University
Town is good for all of us. More jobs and fewer squirrels, what could
be better?
> Russell Smith / Totem Park
St. Paddy's Day
Last Thursday was March 17th and, more importantly, Saint
Patrick's Day. Far too many students on campus were far too sober for
their own good that day. I saw no drunken stumbling to class, no
drunken stumbling between venues of alcohol consumption, and not
a single glass of green beer! What is our glorious University coming
to? As a student body, we need to step up to the challenge, and ensure
that next year such a travesty does not occur, especially as March 17,
2006 falls on a Friday! I call on the newly elected AMS to start preparations now. Money must be set aside for the purchase of Guinness
and green food colouring. Advertisement to adorn the SUB must be
planned and constructed well in advance so all students are aware of
the event. The road will be long and hard, but I know our current exec
is up to the challenge.
>Guinness lover / Vancouver
Down With Green Space
I am writing to express my disappointment at the lack of development in Stanley Park. A beautiful location, fantastic views, proximity
to EVERYTHING! What more could you ask for? The city of
Vancouver could make millions off of the sale of this beautiful park.
We could cure homelessness! Feed all the starving children! Be able
to afford the winter Olympics in 2010 (provided we have snow)! To
cut a long story short, more development of Vancouver's green spaces
are key to our success as a city.
>Condo Connoisseur / Richmond
l am Better Than You
In the last issue of The Far From Straight, "Lost in Louisiana"
made some of the stupidest comments I have ever read. You must
have a brain the size of a hydrogen atom, not even a deuterium atom,
a straight up, one neutron, one proton, one electron, hydrogen atom.
It pains me to know that there are such imbecilic organisms out there.
You and all your seed should be wiped from the face of the earth. If I
were god I would smite you. Your mother was a hamster and your
father smelt of elderberries!
> Irrationally Irate / Langley
The Far From Straight | Vancouver's News & Other Stuff weekly | vol. 18 No.11
2nd Floor, LSK 202.6356 Agricultural Road, Vancouver, B.C. V6T1Z2   www.straight.ubc.ca
Phone: 601-8224235 / Fax: 601-822-0000 / e-mail: thea32@gmail.com
AAastur Editor
Jonathan Lam
Communications Editor
Dan Anderson
Promotions Editor
Colleen Atherton
Editing Editor
Varun Ramraj
Sound Editor
Jay Garcia
Directing Editor
Lana Rupp
Massage Editor
Chris Baitz
Accounting Editor
Megan McLaughlin
Naked Editor
Andrew Thamboo
Production Editor
Vanessa Ho
Development Editor
Andrew Provan
Fetus Editor
Dave Riendl
Anti-Editor
Jonathan Adair
Vice President Editor
Nicholas Curewitch
Operations Editor
Stephen Notley
The Far From straight Is brought to you by the by The Blach Prague Issue of The 432. There
should be some words here about how It's a democratic country and free speech Is a principal pillar of that free society so don't complain about anything you don't like, we only print
stuff because we love free speech and freedom. If you don't love freedom, well, then you
such and you should go live In a cave In Afghanistan somewhere. In any case, the stuff we
print does not necessarily represent all the opinions of all science students or the science
undergraduate society, nor Is It endorsed by the Faculty of science, one more thing: play
nice with the paper, If we catch you using this paper for Evil, we will have to force you
to pay a $500 Evil fee. Evllness Includes, but Is not limited to
usage as Instruments of arson, assault, armed robbery, Impaired
driving, rape, murder, fraud and gross Indecency. In closing we'd
lust like to say that we hope you en|oy this Issue and we hope
you'll write stuff for us next year.
This Issue Is made from 100% recycled orphans.
Printed by Horizon Publications   "!"-» ,
The 432 is watching you. ■ v+"J
POV
ubc student film festival
www.film.ubc.ca/pov
The Ridge Theatre
3131 Arbutus Street
Friday 29 April: Student Appreciation Night - $8
Saturday 30 April: Gala - $10
7:00pm (doors open at 6:15pm)
Tickets available at The Ridge Theatre,
Limelight Video, Biz Books and
UBC's Frederick Wood Theatre,
Cram
a little more.
Saturday, April 9, 2005 - Monday, April 25, 2005
The libraries will be open longer during exam period.
KOERNER LIBRARY
Monday-Friday
Saturday, Sunday
WOODWARD LIBRARY
Monday-Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Sam - 1am
10am - 1am
8am - 12am
Sam - 6pm
10am - 6pm
12pm - 12am
- i-
Safewalk: 604.822.5355
Campus Security: 604.822.8609
If you have any questions, please emaif: eom@interchange.ubc.ca
This project has been implemented by the Senate Library Committee
ONE FREE BEER
Courtesy of your friends at The Underground
and The 432. Happy Drinking.
2 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 straight
talk
SENATE REPORT
Hello fellow students. So the
year is starting to wind down, and as
you are hopefully aware, the SUS
executive elections have just
wrapped up. This means that my
reign of Supreme Overloadship as
the Science Senator is coming to a
close. Who says I'm an overload?
Well, no one I suppose.... Anyway,
here's what has been happening in
the UBC Senate recently:
A lot of Senate's time has been
taken up discussing UBC:
Okanagan. In case you are unfamiliar, saying that you go to "UBC" will
be ambiguous come September. You
are    in    fact    attending    'UBC:
Vancouver'. UBC has opened a second campus in Kelowna, and will be
admitting students in September
2005. UBC: Vancouver's Senate is
trying to figure out its role in the
start up process at UBC: Okanagan
(referred to from here on as UBC:0)
<- interesting, looks like some kind
of emoticon.... UBGO will have its
own Senate that will have the identical composition as the UBC:V
Senate. Each faculty will have a student senator representative. There
will also be a committee that oversees both senates. UBC:V students
senators are currently working hard
to ensure students are on this committee as well.
Senate has also dealt with a new
generation of the Test of English as a
Foreign Language (TOEFL). This
will not affect current UBC (both
UBCs) students, but will have an
impact on new students applying for
UBC. All (foreign) UBC applicants
as of September 2005 will have to
take (and obtain a certain score) to
get into UBC. The TOEFL includes a
reading, listening, writing and
speaking section. This test has been
one of three English competency
tests that could have been taken for
UBC admission. It will now be the
only accepted examination for
admission. Student senators were
pleased that UBC is taking not only
English proficiency, but English
speaking abilities into consideration
for admission; after all, students
need be able to converse with one
another.
More good news in regards to
student power on senate! Gina Eom,
a UBGV science student who is a
student senator "at large" has been
pushing for library hour extensions
during exam time. Just last week, the
student senators were informed that
the funding required for this project
has been granted. Both Koerner and
Woodward library will be opened
for longer periods of time during
exam periods. This is an (amazing?)
example of student voices having an
impact on the lives of other students.
It was felt that extended library
hours would be useful to students;
student constituencies (including
SUS) supported this initiative, and
now, with enough perseverance, it
will happen.
Well, if you are still reading, I
condemn y...no wait, commend...ya
that's it... I commend you. You made
MINI PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP
it through 3 "paragraphs" of politically driven banter. Cool. Hope
you've learned something, and
maybe found it useful. I think the
last point is especially noteworthy.
I'm always slightly surprised when a
student motivated idea is put into
action.... Good luck to all of the new
SUS executives, and thanks to all
who cared enough (and remembered) to vote... Congrats to our
soon to be (critically?) acclaimed
(check the other definition) SUS
President. Keep reading the 432,
maybe some other exec has a report
that comes close to being as good (or
as long) as mine. Ciao!
> DAVE RIENDL
science senator
We're so ■tight on
money riqh+ now.
I don't know what
Looking for a volunteer
opportunity related to
Science & Technology
this summer? Look no
further!
The Canada-Wide Science
Fair (CWSF) is being held
at UBC for 2005 and is
looking for dedicated and
enthusiastic volunteers,
The Canada-Wide Science Fair is the largest extracurricular youth activity related to science and technology in
Canada, gathering our best young minds together. From May
15-22, 2005, approximately 475 young scientists will be chosen
to compete from the ranks of some 25 000 competitors at nearly
one hundred regional science and technology fairs staged
across the country. These young scientists will then converge
on UBC for the 2005 CWSF.
To host these young scientists and their accompanying
delegates we need to build a team of dedicated volunteers.
Areas seeking volunteers include Special Events, Hospitality,
Office/Registration, and more! Volunteers must be at least 15
years of age and be able to dedicate a minimum of 10 hours
throughout the week-long event.
To learn more about the CWSF and/or to
submit a volunteer application, please visit
http://www.cwsf2005.ca.
s
o
o
(0
HEY EVERYONE! IT'S BACK
MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT 3 TS NOT
Rising Star. Six year old
Naomi Heeds is an artistic prodigy.
This week will see her major
breakthrough in to the spotlight
with her exhibition at the
Vancouver Art Gallery. Raw emotion is expressed in every crayon
stroke that graces the framed
colouring book pages of her
exhibit. In the exhibition, titled "I
Draw Outside the Lines" the artist
makes a point of rashly rubbing
her crayon across the page with
no regard for the stagnant restrictions of society No line can prevent her stroke. Her colours will
not be contained by darkness!
Heeds takes the template of
masters such as "Sesame Street,"
"Barbie," and "The Little Mermaid,"
elaborating on the old concepts
and taking them farther then they
have ever gone before. Not limited by blue oceans or cream skin
tones, the concept of race is
explored in every work. One
notable piece, entitled "Bird,"
depicts Sesame Street's Big Bird
with a rainbow of colours emanating from him in all directions. Not
even the standard of ROYCBIV was
conformed to by the artist. The
work transcends the norms of the
genre and displays, with joy and
rapture, the inner (and outer)
child of the artist.
In contrast to the vibrancy of
the aforementioned work, there a
few dark pieces that stand out in
the exhibit. "Abyss" overlays a
page from "Barbie" with thick dark
smears of disfiguring finger-paint.
Obviously Heeds is demonstrating
her distaste for the gender roles
explicit in the popular doll. The
heightened awareness of such
issues comes from a deep seated
anger in the artist at being given
an "Easy-bake" oven for her last
birthday instead of the "Tonka"
dump-truck she really wanted.
m
Some critics have questioned
the validity of the scrawlings of
the budding artist. Juan Del
Rocco, art critic for the New York
Times, was quoted as saying that
"any six year old could create this
garbage, hell, if you tied a crayon
to my dog's foot and had him walk
across the page a few times, you
would get almost identical
pieces." Clearly he is missing the
finer details of the pieces; the
expression of frustration of cultural norms and social inequalities.
> DICK YOKEL
Sports Reports
Screech! Wow, what a ride! The past year as Director
of Sports on SUS has been awesome. I've had the opportunity to work with an amazing group of execs and I'm
thrilled at how we came together and brought SUS to a
PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP
whole new level. Thanks for all your hard work and dedication =). I really think we did great things and I had a
ton of fun doing it with you all. To my sports committee,
what can I say. ..we did some crazy stuff: from designing
our "Science Athletics" shirts to running a sweet Science
Olympics to taking Winterfest 2005 by storm. To the SUS
council, you guys were fabulous... I loved the spirit and
enthusiasm each of you brought to SUS.... The memories: Whistler retreat, Ethanol, Science Week, Cold
Fusion, Amazing Maze, Longboat, Gladiator, Globefest,
Insomniac. Thanks for making my time on SUS really
memorable. PS. Lets kick some butt by storming that
wall!!!
> VANESSA HO
> BY NICHOLAS CUREWITCH
How are
Sales ?
low bout now:
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4 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 Umbrellas and Bicycles:
A Deadly Combination-
> J. BIKER
If you were to move to a very cold climate,
what is the first thing you would do? Buy a
good winter jacket? That sounds like a
sound plan to me. So why is it that so many people
living in Vancouver, where it is chronically raining,
never get themselves a good rain jacket? Instead,
they end up buying countless umbrellas, which
shortly end up blown inside out, and get in the way
of all the intelligent people on campus, who have
invested in some water-proof gear. Then there are
the ones who really lack intelligence, and insist on
riding a bicycle while holding an umbrella. A
tragedy is inevitable, and not usually for the
umbrella- holding bicyclist.
A fateful stormy afternoon, I was cycling along
Main Mall, to see an umbrella bicyclist (or UBC as
they will henceforth be referred to) ahead of me.
The UBC was traveling rather slowly, and I was in
a rush to get to class on a bicycle of my own.
Through a combination of rain and umbrella, my
visibility was greatly reduced, but upon catching up
to the UBC I proceeded to pass. As I passed the
umbrella, I look up to see another cyclist heading
straight for me! Avoidance maneuvers were impossible due to high speeds and short distances, and
the clash that ensued followed the law of conserva
tion of momentum.
We collided head on, literally. He, being heavier
but slower, and I, being lighter yet faster, had equal
momentum, and as soon as we hit we promptly
dropped to the ground. We picked ourselves up,
holding our banged up faces, and assessed the
damage. My forks were bent so the front wheel was
rubbing the frame, he was holding his nose, and my
forehead was swelling up to "the size of Texas" (as
my roommate proudly likes to proclaim).
Deciding that nothing was critically injured my
partner in collision went to his class, and I, concussed and giggling hysterically, went home. No
real damage was done, but the possibility was there,
and this should be a lesson to all umbrella users.
Not only are you a danger to cyclists, you are also a
danger to pedestrians. Can you count the number
or times you have almost had an eye taken out by
an umbrella? I sure can't.
Since the accident just before Thanksgiving in
October, I have been wondering how the other victim fared. I was certainly more injured than my
shocked and rattled brain realized, and I would like
to know that you are alright as well. If you read this,
please respond to the432@gmail.com and let me
know if you hurt as much as I did the next day.
str
raight
CHIC OF THE WEEK
Glitter, lace and beads
aren't just for kindergarten crafts, doilies or Mardi Cras
flashers anymore. One trend that has taken off this
spring with the self-important crowd features ornate
vintage pieces that have been Bedazzled by sugar-high
tweens in second-world countries. Ethel's Boutique
(3753 West 4th Avenue) carries a hoop skirt that could
be straight out of a glam square-dancer's closet.
Nevermind that you can't sit down without flashing
your admirers; grab a sunbonnet with ribbons and a
lambskin clutch, and wander the streets like a rock'n'roll
Little Bo Peep looking for her sheep. The skirt comes in
lemon, cream, mint and blueberry, because the designer was dieting when she selected the fabrics. You also
get your choice of brass studs or silver sequins or both!.
($795.95) Try pairing it with a cleavage-baring sweater
and stilettos for that innocent-hooker look, and sparkle
. your way down the street. >
QUICK PICK
FUNNIES ONLINE
There are a few sites out
there that our staff enjoys. But we won't tell you about
any of those. Just goto
http://seercom.com/SUS/432/
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MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT 5 straight
choices
"HIS
t.MghtofTfce
Tasadays ,i
Quantum Electrodynamics:
Ught and Matter  u
Into
The Spotlight:
Science Week 200
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
A lot of people don't
know, but The Science
Undergraduate Society
(who gets its money
rifling through the leftovers of science students'
wallets after the university and the AMS are done
with their pillaging) actually funds a publication
other than the 432. Think
of the Paradigm as the
432's nerdy little brother.
I'm sure you know the
kind. They're the kids who
always stay at home
studying, so you only see
them, oh say, once or
twice a year... That's the
Paradigm.
Following its spectacular revitalization last year,
the Paradigm has made
two astounding performances and its third issue is
just around the corner.
The four person editing
staff has orchestrated a
stunning display of literary genius. On top of that,
the cover is pretty and
shiny... Oh so shiny.
So if you haven't
picked up your copy of
the Paradigm yet, what
are you waiting for? Pick
up a copy, they're around
somewhere, or just drop
by the SUS Office in LSK
202 because we've always
got spares lying around in
there.
Who knows? You might
learn something. Or at the
very least, it'll be something to keep you occupied during the ever-so-
long exam period.
Conspiracy Afoot Amongst Sea-
Dwelling Race of Super Creatures
> BY JEFF PROWSE
Over the last few
weeks, there has been
considerable overlap
in several of my courses. The
good news about this is that
there is less material per class
to learn, and if one of your
profs sucks at teaching it, at
least you have a chance of
another prof teaching it in an
understandable way. The
material that has been
repeated is all about phyto-
plankton, and it has led me to
devise a theory:
Phytoplankton hold all of
our lives in their tiny little
intracellular spaces. It's a
really good thing the little
bastards don't have any idea
of what is going on around
them, because if I were a
phytoplankton, I would tell
us all to go fuck ourselves
and then annihilate everyone.
I am sure that you are
thinking that I have come
down with global warming
hysteria, or maybe you have
absolutely no idea as to what
I am talking about. It basically boils down to the fact that
it doesn't really matter how
much C02 we put into that
atmosphere, because no one
seems to understand the big
picture. We will be fucked
long before it gets too hot
from the Greenhouse effect.
It might not even get hot at
all. Warm enough to melt the
ice caps, but then the ocean
circulation will change, and
Europe will freeze, then the
Americans will invade
Canada because all of their
low lying cities will be
swamped with water. That
water isn't all from the ice
caps melting by the way, as
most people seem to assume.
Water gains volume when it
gets warmer, so really the
thermal expansion of the
water that we already have in
the ocean that will screw us
all over.
But that goes back to the
phytoplankton, because if the
little bastards worked harder,
there wouldn't be any excess
C02 to warm the Earth up
enough to melt the ice caps
in the first place.
Then there are all these
crazy people that think it
would be a good idea to
sequester the excess C02 in
old oilfields, or in underground caves. Or even
liquifying or solidifying it
and sending it to the bottom
of the ocean. Now it doesn't
take a genius to figure out
that a well-timed earthquake
would be a large pain in the
ass in situations like those.
Oh  sure, they can  look for
seismically stable area, but
like one country wants to be
the dumping ground for all
of the worlds excess C02
when the right disturbance
could kill all the animals that
were living in the water, if
that is where the C02 was
stored. Hello terrorist magnet. Can't really expect the
phytoplankton to save us
from that.
If I were a phytoplankton,
I would plot against humans.
Really, what have we done for
anything else living on this
planet? Not a hell of a lot. So
I would grow and divide, and
spread my sinister plot
against humans, and make
sure every other phytoplankton knew. And when the time
was right, I would rise up and
grab the human race by the
balls and threaten them with
everything that I got. (Which
isn't much, I am a single cell
after all) But at least in my
death, I could kill them all
too. So be careful the next
time you are out on the
ocean, you never know when
a psycho phytoplankton is
going to reach up and get
you.
Join the SCI Team!!
SCI Team Peer Program
Along with Student Development, the Faculty of Science is
looking to build a team of Science students interested in
supporting, enhancing and developing the academic
experiences of their peers in the Faculty of Science. Some of
the areas that SCI Team Leaders and Peers will be working
are academic support, event planning, and workshop
development and implementation.
COME TO THE SCI Team
INFORMATION NIGHT
April 4. 5:00-6:00 pm
For the location check out
www.sciteam.ubc.ca
Application forms are available online at www.sciteam.ubc.ca
or at the Science Advising Office, Room A150 Chem/Phys Building.
Application Deadline: 4:00 pm Thursday, April 7, 2005
For further information please contact:
Janet .Beddo.es
Student Development Officer, Science
janet.beddoes@ubc .ca
Prime Minister's Penis Far From Straight, Ms. Martin Accuses
> BY AN DREW PROVAN
In shocking news earlier this week,
Paul Martins penis is not straight.
This information was forthcoming
from Martins wife, who solemnly stated
that when they're in bed, it is obvious that
Martins sexual organ bends to the left in
such a manner that making love is
"painful and awkward."
The prime ministers wife reported
that this has been a concern for some
time, and that she has been urging her
husband to seek help. This information
had been kept secret between the two of
them until now. By going public, she
hopes her husband will finally be motivated to do something about this embarrassing and slightly humourous disorder,
since he is surely destined to be hounded
and mocked by the press every day until
he fixes it.
But is fixing it going to be easy?
Dr. Phil had this to say regarding the
situation: "Ah don't know what a prime
minster is, but ah sure know that ah
wouldn't wanna have no bent pee-nis!
Hawhawhawhaw!"
Due to Dr. Phil's incoherent southern
banter, we decided to talk to a real doctor.
Dr. David Hawkins in Ottawa commented
on Martin's condition: "This is a first for
all of us. Neither I nor any of my colleagues have ever heard of anything like
this. Fixing it may not be too difficult, but
it depends on the severity of the curvature. The bigger problem - no pun intended - may be finding a physician who is
willing to fix it. I know I'm not touching a
politician's dick. Do you have any idea
how many people want something from
him? Do you know what the odds of his
being STD-free are? Puny, that's what.
Paul Martin vehemently denies
the non-linearity of his phallus.
Most STDs are transmittable orally. Hell,
from what I've heard his wife never needs
to bring lipstick when they go travelling -
she just wipes her mouth on his ass."
Because Martin's condition is the first
of its kind, it does not yet have an official
name. Liberals have been quick to name it
as "Penis Abnormality Syndrome."
Conservatives, on the other hand, have
dubbed it "Paul's Bent Dick Syndrome."
Only time will determine which name
wins out over the other.
Paul Martin has been unavailable for
comment since his wife's press release, but
one thing is likely: the mystery as to why a
Catholic would push for gay marriage has
been solved. It is apparent that sexual
intercourse with a woman has become so
painful for our prime minister that he
desires to satisfy himself elsewhere.
The Roto-Router franchise that birefly
employed Mr. Martin in his youth
declined to comment, saying that "however he cleans his pipes is fine by us.
Flexibility should be appreciated."
6 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 straight     Savage Meat-Beating
> BY DAN MEAT-BEATER
ANDREW'S EXECS Since  I
am the only executive to
send a report each time, I think its time I give one out
of the norm. I mean, you know this year's executive is
great and all, but who really cares. What you really
wanted to know was the dirt. Now, I can't tell you the
specifics of any of the comments I make, but you can
always do a little more sleuthing if you really cared.
This year has been full of surprises and I have
heard/seen many interesting things. Did you know that
an executive was seen holding a dildo in her house? She
claims it wasn't hers and she found it on top of the
fridge. I mean, a lot of people leave their dildos on top
of the fridge before they leave, right? Another exec, I
can't say who, once made a startling confession. At a
dinner with the Dean of The Faculty of Science, this person (it's a she) stammered "I like head!." This next one is
interesting. I knew this person was messed up...but not
this messed up. One of the individuals on our team has
a fetish for playing with puppets in the closet...need I
say more? There was even a little bit of chemistry going
on between a couple execs late last term. Last but not
least, this unidentified executive was seen posing for
cameras in hopes of fame and fortune. I really hope it
turn out well for him in the future.
Wow...I think this was my most informative exec
report yet! Have a good summer everyone! y
I
Write for The 432
or we'll crucify
this editor.
No, really.
I wanted to know: is it immoral to
masturbate while I think about girls? I just turned
18, and I've been doing it for a while now.
> Young But Hopeful
Dear YBH,
You sick freak! This column is not meant to be a
place for you to air your dirty laundry. People with
real emotional issues who need to know if they
should tell both of their boyfriends that they're into
sheep scat aren't having their questions answered
because you thought that your petty little problem
was of note! Write back when you have something
deep and meaningful to contribute.
I need some advice, ive been sleep
ing with my boyfriend for almost a week now. The
sex has been great, but he keeps asking me to untie
him. I'm afraid that if I let him go, he'll never come
back. It's been a great week though, and I'd like to
think that the loss of feeling in his hands and feet
isn't really that bad a price to pay. I feed and clean
him well. What should I do?
> Beartraps Are Basically Sexy
BABS, you've got a guy you like. Most of your
friends will probably be whining about basic
human rights and other drivel. Don't do what they
say, be true to your heart. Your heart says he's the
person for you, so he obviously is. Let him go at
your own peril - you might never see him again, or
worse yet you might only see him in court.
I posted an ad recently online,
following your advice (when you said that there's
someone interested in everything, and that they're
all on the internet). The problem is that nobody has
written back. I admit, my fetish is a little different -
I like covering my body in honey, rolling in oats,
and then jacking off while drinking the semen
from my lover having freshly fucked a dog - can
you tell me of some websites that might help me in
my search?
> Scatophiles Can Aim Right Young, Why
Not Me TOO
SCARYWNMT, if you send me some pictures of
you, I might be able to help with the dearth of fresh
semen.
Dear Dan,
Cock fuck shit crap eibow bitch
dick altar-boy-paddle scat pussy jizz ass gangbang
butt virgin two-by-four asshole porn. Fellatio dirty
sanchez. Cherry diarrhea pleated kneehigh-socks,
ream bukkake piss? Cunt feltch, garter-snake fisting poop. Golden shower, painful insertion,
restraints, alternative lifestyle earfucking?
> Bioobiebrotch IV, Mars
Dear Bioobiebrotch,
I appreciate that you've gathered most of your
knowledge of Earth from my columns that I've regularly beamed to the Red Planet, but I think that
your human studies need a bit of work. For example, your grammar seems a little off. As well, you
didn't mention rape-play, titfucking, or donkey-
punching. Keep up the research, though, and one
day I'm sure Earth will welcome you for your first
joyous visit!
Condos to Replace SUB Ballroom
at UBC by 2005-06 School Year
> BY COLLEEN ATHERTON
Tired of dealing with raucous students, who are
getting drunk at Bzzr gardens instead of spending their
hard earned money at the Pit, the
AMS has decided to increase
revenue by replacing the SUB
ballroom with a high priced condominium. This move will force
students away from venues of
cheaper alcohol and into such
establishments as the Pit and the
gallery, venues which also profit
the AMS.
New AMS President Spencer
Keys is keen on the idea. Not
only will he now be able to afford
to poster his entire office in
midget pornography (instead of
just one wall, as is currently the
case), he will also be able to
implement a 100% pay increase
for all of the AMS executive. "I
know I promised to do all those
great things to reduce the impact
of University Town for students,
but now that I've gotten a taste of
power there is no way I'm going
to follow through on all those
bogus promises," said Keys.
He was also heard to mutter
as the interview ended and he
walked away "it took me three
years to finally get elected, I didn't go to all this work for nothing."
The other execs, alone and
shivering in the prison devised
for them by the AMS Business
Office, declined to comment for
fear of retribution.
Martha Piper, set on making
the beautiful UBC campus less
beautiful and less student orientated, fully endorses the idea.
The condos will be prohibitively expensive for all but the
lucky few students whose par
ents already have a cottage, a
summer cottage, a ski cottage,
and now desire a university cottage. In addition to the initial sale
of the units, a levy charged to
condo owners every year will
pad the university coffers.
"It's a win-win situation for
everyone involved," stated Piper.
Rumour has it she has
already made a down payment
on the penthouse suite as a 50th
birthday present for Bort. "Bort
is getting close to retirement age
now, and he needs somewhere he
can relax and put his feet up," she
explained.
As usual, students did not
hear about the construction
plans until the consultation
process was completed. The
protests of the student body has
once again fallen on deaf ears,
and renovations are slated to
begin once classes finish in May.
PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP
> BY NICHOLAS CUREWITCH
A CITIZEN IN DANGER!
REFRIDGERONJ
ASSEMBLE! ^,
A
t
h
e
n
a
A
r
m
o
u
r
~>i
MARCH 29 - APRIL B, 2DD5
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BOB THE ANGRY FLOWER
> BY STEPHEN NOTLEY
• ••BOBTW6'
AHCE4TUO(J£e -Cor*
IF   HOO PIPW'T t«MWTTD Be SMV£S,   Yov SHOi/LP
HAV£ TOLP YOUR P/Hp^-UTS TO POT OP A  t-£S$
¥\T\?VL   P£F£WC£  AGAMhT -[fi£ TlK%A*
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TO fVT H60       M w COOK(£
Women Seeking Men
Hermaphrodite biology student getting tired of self-fertilization, seeks female member of the opposite sex.
2-7564
Not Just Business
"Girls Cone Wild" star seeks
rich single motion-picture
director for on- and off-camera work. 2-9845
Lets get symbiotic!
Starving actress seeks sugar
daddy. Interests: shoes, low
cut shirts, and billiards. You
can be my pool shark and I'll
be your rhemora. 2-2518
Fire, not Ice
Red-headed babe seeks
another red-headed babe to
carry out acts of revenge on
cheating boyfriend. Call me!
2-1389
Tripod Wanted
Asian female seeks man with
third leg. Enough said, contact me if you qualify! 2-6785
Heat the Meat
Necrophiliac SWF seeks
undertaker for erotic encounters of the third kind. Lets get
together and heat up the
meat. You won't be the only
thing that is stiff. Guaranteed.
2-5433
immaculate
SWF, 52, recently escaped
from nunnery, holds V-card,
seeks willing male to give it to
15-35. 2-5765
High Flyer
Crack addict seeks seeks new
dealer to provide fix. Central
Vancouver location, preferred
payment: sex. 2-3544
Need a Promotion?
Strong-willed female executive seeking lowlife office
loser. 2-6543
Hot 17-YEAR OLD!
I've already slept with the editor to get my illegal ad posted
here...now it's your turn to
sleep with me. Serious
enquiries only. 2-5830
woman seeks Magician
Needs to get an orgasm, and
figures its the only way. Oh, I
could make your magic wand
disappear too. 2-4638
Weird ass woman
Due to a freak industrial accident, my ass has been horrifi-
cally disfigured. Needs caring,
understanding man, with
strong stomach and no interest in anal sex. 2-4138
Cosmic Rays
Alpha particle seeks two electrons who can keep with me.
Prefers someone who eventually wants to hit the wall
and settle down. 2-9228
Rock Your Socks Off!
Magnetite seeks iron fisted
babe. You wont be able to
resist my attraction. I'll even
let you polish my South Pole.
2-1875
Are you bored?
Computer nerd seeking vagina, and/or woman with vagina. I hope you know what
you're doing, because I don't.
2-0574
Metalworkers Only!
Handsome male seeks hot
metalworker. No dating necessary, let's just stay in and
you can melt me. 2-0574
Likes to play rough!
SM seeks BDSM and a cherry-
poppin' good time. Open to
new fantasies. 2-4763
Not Picky
21 yo male desperately seeking female. Needs gf to win
bet with friends. Must be
cute, but not too cute, my
friends have to believe you
would actually be dating me.
SSS negotiable.
mikez008@hotmail.com
Men Seeking Sheep
Counting on You...
SWM, 21, looking for warm,
fleecy    companion.     Open
minded, interested in groups
for sleepless nights.
2-8008
Waiting for ewe
bi-curious, sensual lover looking for fluffy, fabric softener
action.
2-9075
Have you any wool?
Young asian guy into strong,
black sheep dominatrix. Let's
get together and play: you
can be the master, and I'll be
the little boy who lives down
the lane.
threebagsfuii@hotmaii.com
Traditionalist
Experienced Scottish stud
seeking foot-and-mouth-free
lover. Sheep-doggy style? Yes
please. 2-9009
Shear Ecstasy
SWM seeks smooth, hairless
sheep for a night of fashion
and passion. No old ewes
please. 2-6751
Men Seeking Women      Sheep Seeking Men
Reeks of Desperation
SWM seeks someone, anyone.
Oh god, I'm so alone. Please
tell me you care. Nobody
loves me. My mother abandoned me. All I want is to
love. Oh, who am I kidding,
nobody's going to call.
Farewell, cruel world. 2-2521
Still Cot Strong Bones
SWM, 89, seeks bodacious
younger female. If I pass away
while we're doing anything,
have the coroner leave the
smile on my face. 2-6767
Great Sense of Humour
Honest, poor, unattractive,
overweight SWM seeks rich,
fit, slim, gorgeous SF for lasting relationship. 2-3645
Baaa Baa Baaaaa?
Baaa baaa ba baaaaaa, baaa!
Ba baa baaa baa ba, baaa baaa
baa, baa ba. Baaa baa ba ... Ba
baa baaa baaa ba, baaa ba
baa, baa ba. Baa baaa ba.
baa69@interchange.ubc.ca
Heat Seeking Missile
High Energy Relationship
2kJ of enthalpy seeking large
BGM109 Tomahawk cruise
missile for exothermic
encounter. Must be very very
hot and sensitive to me.
Maybe afterwards we can run
away to Iraq together.
redbutton@defense.gov.us
B THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 OOK REVIE
Keeping the Blue Dress Clean.
Following the trend of public figures every where, Bill Clinton has
published a new book titled, "How
to Abuse Power to Get Sex And
Then Get Away With it," Claiming
to be similar to a twelve step
Alcoholics Anonymous program,
Clinton outlines exactly how to
satisfy your cravings for sex and
power, all at the same time.
Skeptical that this is just a last
feeble attempt to hold on to some
of the public limelight at a time
when his wife is dominating him in
the media as well as in the bedroom, this reviewer took the time
to read the book and try to put
these steps into practice.
The first chapter of "How to
Abuse Power to Get Sex And Then
Get Away With it," deals with the
importance of knowing the whole
book off by heart before any
attempts at domination are
begun. This makes for somewhat
dry reading, but the ambitious
reader perseveres, believing as
the rewards at the end will be
great.
This is the first mistake of the
reader.
Once one gets past the introduction, and is now concentrating
harder than the budding erection
that is forming in anticipation of
the expected rewards; the meatiest part of story begins. The hype
this book has caused has the reader expecting huge things; howev
er, coming from an old, white,
straight politician, is it really surprising that these hopes are
dashed against the rocks like the
dreams of a fifteen year old boy
who thinks he is about to get laid
for the first time?
Instead of delivering the promised roadmap to political and sexual domination, Clinton only
digress' into stones of indiscretion. How the incriminating stones
of the mysterious disappearance
of various "love interests" ever
went undetected by the popular
media and the courts is a mystery
in and of itself. One chapter parallels the infamous Monica Lewinsky
trials, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, I did not
strangle that woman, and I certainly did not dispose of her body
in a vat of concentrated
hydrochloric acid at a secret CIA
facility precisely 71.4 miles outside of the Washington city limits,"
writes Clinton.
"I used to be very conservative,
sexually," he explained in Chapter
7, "but then I realized that I could
be the biggest exhibitionist the
world has ever known! Rasputin
and Chamberlain haven't got anything on me. My semen has been
shown on prime-time TV from
coast to coast!"
In short, this book is just another example of a politician whoring
themselves in a last attempt at
fame.
Escort Services
Experienced 24-year old.
Has own website and accepts
credit cards (swipe me,
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here...). 2-4875
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Do you crave that deep femine voice?
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Touch every inch of your body with
all nine inches of mine.
I'm a tiger in the sac.
Vancouver-Langley-Surrey
604.big.gurl
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MARCH  29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT 9 "I Saw You's
Will Squeegee for Slurpee
I washed the windshield of your
Mercedes as you stopped at Main
and Terminal, you rolled up the
window and glared at me with
those amazing green eyes. I
would love to talk to you. Will
you buy me coffee? Maybe
lunch? I'm so hungry.
airofdesperation@seeking.com
Harassing Hottie
We danced at the Pit on Mar 11.
I kept coming closer and you
kept inching away seductively,
teasingly You also got one of
your friends to pretend to be
your boyfriend to make me jealous. It worked. I want you bad.
Call me.
toodensetocare@whitedwarf.ca
Bushnell with Brains
I see you through the window
dressing every morning in your
second floor Gage apartment. I
like what I see. Coffee?
notastalker@hotmail.com
Long and Strong
You: the only naked woman on
Wreck Beach last Sat.
Me: the gorgeous middle aged
man with the ponytail and love
handles. Interested in a play date
in the surf?
tiedyedpaunch@msn.com
Babe at the Bank
I see you every Monday and
Thursday working at Scotiabank.
I love the tight black business
suit you wear. Stop flirting with
the male customers. Don't make
me come after you. You will be
mine, whether you want to or
not!
hostiletakeover@yahoo.ca
Totem boy
You passed out in the corner of
the St Paddy's beer garden and I
had my way with you. I left my
number in your pocket, but you
haven't called! I would really like
to see you again.
notwhatURthinking@msn.ca
Fantasies Running Wild
We met at the pet store last
Thursday. I was looking at the
tarantulas, you were looking at
the scorpions. Let's meet, and I'll
unleash your snake.
furrysok@yiffing.com
Diseased Mind
We hooked up in the bathroom
of the Roxy last week. You were
wearing a dress shirt and jeans. I
was wearing a tight top and high
heels. I didn't get your number,
but I wanted to let you know I
have herpes. Bet you wish you
had used a condom now.
surprise@surprise.com
Turned on by c-Cups
I spilled a full beer down the
front of your shirt at the Royal
on Fri night and tried to help you
dry off. You wouldn't let me
towel off your breasts! I would
like a chance to touch them
again. They were nice. Firm.
morethanahandful@melon.ca
Clean now!
We were both a little red-eyed
and stressed. Counseled each
other - your girlfriend needed an
abortion appointment, my
boyfriend was worried about the
burning sensation. Thought we
had a lot in common. Let's get
together!
gotantibiotics@pasteur.com
Not Into Plumbers
Woke up next to you on Saturday
morning, ran without thinking.
It's not you, it's me. I'd like my
shoes back though. Can I pick
them up?
trackstar@mario.com
When Atoms Collide
Met at the Canadian Association
of Physicists convention last
week. Thought that the Planck
constant must have shot up - but
it was just you. Loved your elastic
collisions demonstration: let's hit
Triumf and see how hard we can
make 'em bang.
whatsv@physics.ubc.ca
Homus-t Meet You
you: female 3'9" me: male 6'6"
you got your groove on at
karaoke night at the Gallery last
Tuesday with the voice of a
lounge singer and the body of a
goddess. Meet me at Pita Pit and
wrap yourself around me.
doubletrouble@gmail.com
Gin and Tonic
My name is pronounced Gin and
I loved you at Tonic Feb 28th.
Jian@hotmail.com
Tired of having your
"^corpses all spread
out?    -f|   [
Why not "J*-
consoladate them all in
one place?
UBC has the place for
you.   Stacks of gleaming
compartments await you
at the University of
British Columbia
Not a Man, Not Yet a
woman
We hit it off so well. When we
went back to my place you
seemed upset when you discovered I was actually a man... I felt
like we had a real connection, my
operation is next Wednesday,
come see a new woman in ward
26B.
newbeginning@myn.com
Holes with secrets
I wish to find the pretty lady who
snorted cocaine off my belly button at the rave last week.
gordo@liberals.ca
Likes Head
At the Ozzy Osbourne concert
20 years ago, you grabbed a bat
and bit off the head too. I'd like
to meet up with you again if you
promise not to bite my heads off.
rabiesfree@wild.ca
Nubile Slave wench
(copyright: LucasFilm)
You, slimy large worm, with a
slimy large worm. Me, chained to
you. Where has the love gone?
bikinibabe@sarlakk.com
Russian Queen
They poisoned you, shot you,
and then you fell into the freezing river. That was the last I saw
of you. Where have you been for
the last 90 years, you conniving
monk?
queen@monarchy.ru
implant Me, Baby
I saw you on the Bridge, and I
really wanted to say: "Stand still
so I can take you inside me and
assimilate you." Come find me,
you gorgeous lifeform.
seven@9.com
Perky Pompoms
I saw you while I was cheerlead-
ing for the Thunderbirds game.
Help me practice my dismounts?
dontsplitonme@cheer.com
Lives in Dallas
We    watched    "Debbie    Does
Dallas" together back in  1980,
and my name is Dallas. Will you
be my Debbie?
notreallydallas@dallas.com
straightchoices
SUS EXEC PICKS Alright, you voted for them, so here
are your new 2005/2006 SUS Executives:
Please note that numbers may or may not be accurate. Co ask a candidate if you want to know how
close the race really was...
PRESIDENT
Patricia Lau
Yes (2n+3)
No (n-1)
VICE PRESIDENT EXTERNAL
Jonathan Lam
Yes UKriss2)
No (nOOb)
VICE PRESIDENT INTERNAL
Kiran Bisra
(69)
Gabriel Hung
(e=1.602x10-19)
Andres Ruberg
(h
=6.62618x10^)
Aaron Sihota
(me=9.11x10-31)
EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Lisa Frey
Yes (5)
NO (4)
DIRECTOR OF FINANCE
Francis Moon
(n)
Chris Baitz
(cosO0)
DIRECTOR OF PUBLICATIONS
Lik Hang Lee
(e=2.71828)
Colleen Atherton
(kB
= 1.68065x10-23)
Varun Ramraj
(<|>=1.61803)
DIRECTOR OF SPORTS
Jamil Rhajiak
(C
=6.67310-11)
Amin Sabzevari
(t
;o=8.8542x10-12)
Edmond Tung
(u=
m1m2/(m1+m2))
SOCIAL COORDINATOR
Sean Kearney
205
Jocelyn Shih
205
PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER
Mike Duncan
(C=3.0X108)
Alison Bennett
(MMCDLXI)
Diana Diao
(101101001)
Dennis Yoo
d=ERROR)
SENATOR
Cameron Funnell
(FF028C)
Vladimir Choi
D485E1
Kevin Chu
81563A
Hassan El Masri
805532
AMS REPRESENTATIVES
Chris Baitz
m>
r=6.02x1023)
Mike Duncan
IF =
96185.3383)
Reka Pataky            (Squirrels
=lots of fun)
Diana Diao
(R=8.314472)
Aaron Sihota
(8±9000)
1 D THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH 29 - APRIL B,  2DD5 straight from the
tea leaves—
MAR 24-APR 02, 2005
T ARIES
MARCH 21 -APRIL 19
William Shatner will
appear in your dream tonight
and tell you that your hot temper
will not get you selected as
Captain of the Enterprise. Then
again, your only real career
choice is Engineering, so your
best bet for a space-like job
involves spending hours in front
of a mirror speaking with a
Scottish accent.
><   TAURUS
f)    APRIL 20 - MAY 21
Aldebaran is the
bright, big, beautiful red star in
your constellation; it will go
supernova tomorrow, leaving
Taurus dull for the next few millennia. Cheer up! Your love life
takes a bullish turn this year.
nCEMENI
MAY 22 - JUNE 20
Spring is the season for
twins, but after that, you might as
well be hand washed and hung
out to dry, literally. Your only
goal this summer will be to find
the rabbit that's eating all the carrots in your vegetable patch.
,*<—*». CANCER
O /""\ JUNE 21 - JULY 23
^^^^*^ The Cancer lady has
an easy time getting laid, and it
has nothing to do with her being
a Cancer. Cancer males listen up!
Business is great, so prepare to
work long hours and leave your
spouse  in  favour  of a  larger
A/ LEO
V^ /    JULY 24 - AUG 23
^^ Just growl, and you will
get your way..unless you're
growling at a wild animal.
m>
VIRGO
AUG 24 - SEPT 23
You will not be a virgin
much longer.
LIBRA
SEPT 24 - OCT 23
Kick yourself in the
other shin to balance the bruise
you received from your fiancee
last night at dinner. Spend time
at the spa
sting owe
SCORPIO
OCT 24 - NOV 22
Summer takes the
sting oTTPof your love life when
you discover a raccoon's nest
under your love couch. Scorpios
have sexy, bedroom eyes, but
you, my dear reader, are an
exception.
-jk SAGITTARIUS
yi NOV 23 - DEC 21
/▼ The rear end of this
constellation's shape describes
your latest business proposition.
> BY THE ORACLE
Learn from Gemini and obtain a
temper like Aries to prove your
worth.
II^-n CAPRICORN
Jh+J DEC 22 - JAN 20
What the hell is a
water-goat anyway? Spend the
rest of the month finding out
while blowing your RRSP at the
Cecil.
y^^y, AQUARIUS
^v^^» JAN 21 - FEB 19
^S^^K You are confused
about your sexual identity. Ask
your coworkers for advice on
how to deal with that hot stripper that keeps phoning you. And
speaking of the office, your only
way to get a promotion involves
your boss and some leather.
X   APISCES
I I JUNE 21 -JULY 23
J V Look how the fish are
shaped. Derive the dirtiest possible inspiration from it and follow
through. The stock market will
kick your ass and smack you
upside the head, so ensure that
the rest of your money is invested wisely in currency trading or
casinos. Buy a big car with a tiny
engine so you can walk around
claiming you enjoy "gang-
bangers in four-bangers."
Introducing the Zippo Vibra-Lighter
I
J^zipp6|
Igniting females like a male never could.
Two sexy single guys   are
ready and waiting for a romp
in the sac.  We have love
handles for your loving
pleasure.  And baby, we ain't
stuffing.  What you see is the
real deal, care to see the
whole thing? Give us a call.
Available for weddings,
funerals, barmitzvahs, or
birthday parties.
604-822-MRTH
IWtot yon need a date, taii one of om Plpin* Hot BaGwf
MARCH 29 - APRIL B, 2DD5
THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT  1  1 jYOQUIEROACF!
GUIA DEL ARTS COUNTY FAIR MEXICANO
(The Mexican Government's Guide to Arts County Fair)
http://www.sre.gob.mx/tramites/consulares/guiamigrante/default.htm
Beware! The
water may look
clean at ACF but
you should probably stay away
from it at all
costs. Only shirtless frat boys
drink liquids
whose origins are
unknown.
Underage? No problem!
Just get in the back of the
truck and the friendly man
will smuggle you in.
Don't get left behind,
because if you do, nobody
will ever come back for you.
Ever.
Remember: The cops are everywhere so don't do anything stupid in
plain view. The forest right before the
stadium is a prime spot, though.
No weapons or sedimentary rocks
allowed. Phillips head screwdrivers
and metamorphic
rocks are
okay.
Listening to the radio can
be fun, but imagine how
much more fun it is to be
there in person!
Be sure to operate with
both hands on the radio
at all times.
Neither Arts County Fair, nor
The Government of Mexico
condones
domestic
Beating your wife or husband
could earn you a visit from
Mr. Deportation Order.
violence of
any sort.
Hj3-
You can pick up your Arts
County Fair tickets at any
friendly Mexican Consulate.
The first 1000 sold also come
with fake work visas!
All outside alcohol should be
stored in cleverly diguised,
generic plastic containers. If
anyone asks,
remind them
that there's
nothing illegal
in carrying
open bleach in
public.
On the hike to ACF, many people
choose not to carry alcohol. This
can be a fatal mistake, as it is a
parched wasteland between
Vanier and Thunderbid Stadium.
When you pull out your fake ID,
make sure you don't reveal your
real one, too. "I have a dual
personality, and he wasn't born
until three years after me" isn't
going to float.
As well, any policeman wearing
a cowboy hat and with a frat pin
on who is confiscating booze is
a fake; do not trust him.
TJ& DERECHOS
TUS DERECHOS
Don't be fooled. Hookers can
be more expensive than you'd
think. If you were too drunk
and got caught unaware, it's
not too
late.
We can
help!
Call our debt consolidation
hotline: 1-800-822-4403
The best time to make a
speedy getaway is after
the police officer has
exited his vehicle.
As a drunken, singing
ACFer, it is your duty
to assimilate all non-
ACFers in
your path.
Resistance
is futile.
For your reference, here is a
handy chart to compare
admission handstamps. Be
sure to use the right one, but
don't worry, even if you use
the wrong stamp security
probably won't notice.
And remember: lick-and-stick
has worked for years!
A ft & ft
f||9
6 ¥ B 1
t f i E3
i « i ■
1 2 THE FAR FRDM STRAIGHT   MARCH 29 - APRIL B, 2DD5

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