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UBC Publications

The 432 Sep 3, 1997

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 'I can't believe I printed free porn in The 432." -The Editor
Vancouver Named
World's Smelliest City
New York Loses Title For First Time in 100 Years!
Eaiie Wairen
Nasal Correspondent
Last year's International Tourism
Awards, held in Jerusalem, named
Vancouver as the world's most
beautiful city. In stark contrast to 1996,
the ITA committee has named
Vancouver as this year's smelliest urban
centre. During a press conference in
Stockholm on Friday, the committee presented Vancouver with this dubious
Representatives from the Ministry
Responsible for Tourism were quick to
react, downplaying the announcement.
"Sure, we may have a slight odour problem," said Ministry official Ralph
Hottenstock, "but smellier than New
York? Give me a break. That place smells
is worse than a frat house bathroom on
a Saturday morning. And have you been
to L.A.? Geez, that's enough to make you
lose your lunch."
Most of the city's smell problems can be
traced to the recent city workers strike,
which has resulted in a complete stoppage in garbage pick up, within city lim
its. As a result, garbage has been piling
up on busy streets, and in back alleys.
Although the city is obligated to pick up
the trash if it starts to pose a health problem, officials have yet to resort to this
measure. City health official Chris
Moreno told reporters that there was "n<
significant health risk ■
caused by the garbage."
When questioned further, Mr. Moreno did
admit that the thousands upon thousands
of rats who are scavenging through the
rubbish "may cause a
wee bit of a problem."
Hospitality groups have been working at
the Vancouver International Airport for
several weeks, handing out complimentary noseplugs to international visitors.
In a similar plan, local hotels have doubled the supply of air freshener to their
rooms, and have encouraged guests to
book rooms without outside balconies.
There has been a marked decrease in
tourism numbers this summer as a result
of the disagreeable odour, and tourist
"Oh yeah, we've noticed a difference,"
said Grouse Mountain Skyride operator
Lars Krenske. "Particularly when in the
afternoon when the...er...smog...starts to
rise. That stuff clears a mountain faster
than a fart in a taxicab."
On the other end of
the city, at the
University of British
Columbia, the effect
of the garbage strike
hasn't been as obvious.
"Thank God we're
upwind," said newly
appointed UBC president Martha Piper. "Although there is
that whole problem with the south campus dump..." Piper added, before trailing
into a rant about campus architecture
which is both too verbose and too
incredibly boring to print.
The south end of campus has been
turned into a makeshift dump during
the strike, since city workers are blocking
municipal dumping sites. Garbage has
piled up in this area, to the extent that it
is now visible from the hill in front of
spots around the city have felt the effect.    SUB. Though not clearly visible without
Thank God we're
—Martha Piper
binoculars, the dump can be located by
looking for the flock of seagulls, and by
following the trail of racoons.
Meanwhile, Union officials are not apologizing for any inconvenience this strike
may have caused, and may still be causing. Arnold R. Freschner, head of CUPE
local 417, stands by the union's actions.
"Let's face it," said Freschner, in a late-
night interview, "it's not like all you yuppies are gonna fire up your landrovers
and get rid of all this crap yourselves.
You might get your brand new moun-
tainbikes dirty. We've got the power
here, and we're willing to wait until we
get whatever it is we're asking for."
On the bright side, the City of
Vancouver is making a profit of
$300,000 per week in the form of wages
which do not need to be payed to the
striking workers. Though city officials
refused to comment on where this
money is going.
In related news, the Mayor of Vancouver,
1 Phillip Owen, has announced his immediate resignation. In a press conference,
Owen announced that he and his wife
will be moving to a brand new beach
villa in Tahiti.
Former UBC
President Insane
Strangway 'even crazier than that French guy'
Howard H. Fibble
When you know the garbage strike has gone to far.
Mental Correspondent
Earlier this week, a doctor at UBC's
clinical Psychiatry department at
Vancouver General Hospital rnade
a statement on the mental health of former UBC President Dr. "Diamond" Dave
Strangway. In a brief interdepartmental
memo dating to the time of the UBC
Graduate Tuition Referendum, Dr.
Vivian Rakoff stated that "in my professional opinion, the man is f***ing loony.
As in like a fruitloop."
In the interests of accurate and thorough reporting, The 432 offered $100 to
anybody and everybody who could
come forward with a story bringing Dr.
Strangway's mental competency into
The response was both swift and vast.
"Crazier than J. Edgar Hoover in his best
Sunday dress," stated Joey Giovanni, the
head   groundskeeper   for   the    UBC
Presidential residences. "You see, every
Tuesday we all got up around 4. And
there'd be Dr. Strangway, on his patio,
wearing nothing but a lavender bath
mat, singing the complete score to Joseph
and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat backwards in Welsh. It was
quite a scare for a bit, but we learned not
to look up after a few weeks."
Another source, closer to Dr. Stangway,
had this to say "He'd be just sitting there
at senate meetings, not saying a thing.
What's weird is that he'd occasionally
stare at the speaker intently, and then
bark. Not like a dog, mind you, but like
a zebra. Can I have my money now?"
The 432 managed to track down Dr.
Rakoff for a brief phone interview just
prior to presstime. He had this to say. "It
was a non-professional opinion colored
more by my political beliefs than by my
professional training. Sure, he could use
a professional assessment... no, you can't
quote me on that." PAGE TWO
The 432'"
Volume 11 Issue 1
3 September 1997
o 1997 The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC
All rights reserved.
Jeremy Thorp:
jerthorp&unixg. ubcca
Assistant Editor
John Hallett
jay Garcia
Jake day
John Hallett
Blair McDonald
Amanda Seymour
Jeremy Thorp
Jake Mckinlay
Jeremy Thorp
College Printers, Inc.
Vancouver, BC
Rubbish Boys
idamned unions.}
Contact Info
Attn. Editor. 77k* 432
c/o The Dean of Science
The University of Brirish Columbia
o2/0 University Blvd.
Vancouver. B.C.
V6T !Z4
.o04) 822 4235
F.w: {604} 822 5558
No picket lines were crossed during the production of this paper,
although we did get in a fight with
some drunken teamsters. The 432
is poisonous to racoons, and
should not, in any case, be dis- ■
posed of without consulting the
HAZ/MAT guide (page 22.) . ■".'
77>e 432 is the official newspaper of
the Science Undergraduate
Society, published twice monthly
from our offices in Hie garbage
dump in south campus.
All opinions expressed herein are
strictly those of ihe individual writers and not those of The 432 or the
Science Undergrad Society.
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties are encouraged to submit
material to The 432. All submissions must meet the strict deadline
requirement and should not
exceed 1000 words.
77je 432 is copyrighted by The
Science Undergraduate Society oF
UBC and may not be reproduced in
whole or in pari without express
written i onsent.
At id remember: We Love You.
Every breath you take
Friday August 22nd marked the
beginning of the third International
Conference on Breath Odour. 180
dentists and scientists ranging in fields
from biochemistry to psychology converged on the UBC campus to talk with
each other, through face mask filters, on
the growing problem of halitosis in
modern western society.
The 432 has caught up with Dr. Don
Brunette, UBC's associate dentistry dean,
and chair of the conference for this
exclusive interview.
The 432- Dr. Brunette, this seems to be
quite an honour for UBC to hold such a
high profile conference, why was UBC
chosen as the site for this years bad
breath summit?
Dr. Brunette- The University of British
Columbia was chosen as the site because
of its unusually high concentration of
people with chronically bad breath.
Almost the entire faculty of engineering
has been complaining for years of their
students terrible beer and pizza breath.
The scientists involved in organizing
this conference were concerned with
three things: what the weather was
going to be like, availability of good
wine, and how many people with bad
breath they could test their quack prod-
Well, here we go again. This is
the eleventh year for the 432,
and it's looking to be a good
one. We already have a new columnist
(see above,) we've got some veterans
making comebacks, and we have all of
the old stand-byes.
Not everything will be the same,
though. My focus this year will be on
turning this paper into a real-life satire
paper, and to avoid our usual navel-gaz-
ucts on. Vancouver's reputation for good
weather, UBC's reputation for good
drinks, and the hygienically challenged
engineering faculty made UBC the perfect destination.
The 432- How do you personally deal
with someone your talking to who has
bad breath?
Dr. Brunette- Would you like some gum?
The 432- No I'm fine thanks.
Dr. Brunette- No, would you like some
The 432- Oh, uh yes, yes please, thank
Dr. Brunette- Really, it was my pleasure.
The 432- What got you involved in the
area of bad breath research?
Dr. Brunette- Well, I'm a dentist. I have
to deal with all sorts of people, and
believe it or not there are still a few people out there who just don't understand
the importance of oral hygiene. This creates an awkward situation for anyone
who has to talk to this person. Imagine
being the dentist, crawling around this
person's mouth. It's no wonder that we
dentists have such a high suicide rate.
I've even thought about it once or twice
The 432- Maybe we could try and stick
to the topic of bad breath.
Dr. Brunette- What do you know about
bad breath? You've never had deal with
it up close and personal. There you are
with you're smug little pencil and paper
ing and amateur philosophizng. The
idea is to get some creative juices flowing, and to make the paper a part of
every student's life.
Don't get me wrong. The 432 will still
make you laugh aloud in Chemistry
class. It still makes a pretty good bar
cover at Arts bzzr gardens, and it still
costs less than even the cheapest adult
Of course, we can always use a helping
hand. The 432 is always looking for new
writers, and is ever willing to bribe cartoonists with large amounts of liquor.
Even if you'd just like to drop by and
find out how things work, I encourage
you to attend our new writers (and car-
thinking that I'm just a sadist with a
degree. Well listen here mister! I have
feelings too, The hair stands up just as
high on the back of my neck with the
sound of a tooth drill, and I have to here
it every day god dammit!! This interview
is over!
UBC's breath-tasting clinic's Ken
Yaegaki was thrilled at the prospect of
having a large group of colleagues come
and test his new device, the "Breath-o-
tron". "This is perfect!" said Dr. Yaegaki,
" what better way to test the limits of my
machine than testing it on a bunch of
guys who will have been eating cheese
and drinking wine all week?". When
asked about the prospect of selling his
machine commercially, Dr. Yaegaki
replied, "This is Canada, our Universities
don't have to produce anything useful,
From as far as Israel people have come
to this conference. Mel Rosenberg, a
breath expert from the university of Tel-
Aviv, was quoted as saying"everybody
has bad breath sometimes and doesn't
know about it, including myself." Mel
also said later in a candid interview that
he attributes most of the problems in the
west bank to a diet high in garlic and
low in parsley. "How can you take someone seriously when their breath is worse
than a sewage treatment plant?"
- Sounds like fake is writing from experience. Gum? -ed
We apologize to out of province students
who did not receive a copy of the Guide,
the free Science Undergraduate Society
student handbook,,
Copies off the Guide will be available for
pick-up in the Science Undergraduate
Society office (Chem BI60) during the
first two weeks of class. Please bring your
student card.
toonists) meeting, which will be held
next Tuesday the 9th, at 4:32pm, here in
Chem B160. Free bzzr will be provided.
Keep your eyes out for contests
throughout the year. Check out page 3
for this issue's First Drunk Guy (or Girl!)
contest.We have lots of prizes to give
out, including limited edition 432 t-
shirts, mugs, and tickets to science
Speaking of events, the 432 is also an
excellent way to keep track of what's
happening around campus. We sell ad
space to anyone with a few extra bucks,
and usually announce Science events
well ahead of time.
Those of you who are regular readers of
the paper will know the Executive
Drawers page as 'that page I just skip
over." It does, however, contain some
pretty informative information (does
that make sense) about what is happening in the Science Undergraduate
Society. If we ever tried to slip by a scam,
we'd be legally required to talk about it
in this paper, so it's up to you guys to
keep your eyes open.
Did you read something in this issue
which really pissed you off? Something
which made you laugh so hard you
broke a blood vessel in your forehead?
Something which made you embarrassed to be associated with this paper,
this faculty, this university, or even this
civilization? If you did, I want you to let
us know. E-mail me at
jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca. Call me at 822-
4235. Pin threatening notes on the door
of B160.1 don't care. Just let yourself be
heard - we can use the criticism, and you
could use the satisfaction.
ps. John and I have a bet running as to
whether or not I can produce 3 error-free
issues in a row. If I win, I get a keg of
bzzr. If John wins, he gets a pitcher per
defective issue. Anyone who is willing to
come in and help me proofread gets
their share of the keg. Really. 3 SEPTEMBER 1997
Frosh Report
Amanda Seymour
Real Life First-year
Ahhh..yes. Another school year has begun with the usual brash attempts at
school spirit. As the lowly frosh I have become the target for the cheesy and
good-intentioned advice of my elders. Advice from all places has eradicated all
my naive good intentions of studying hard and making the Dean's List. My first
move: taking a UBC Tour led by an overly nice and enthusiastic AMS-type. The
advice just began piling up..."Get involved in (insert club name here), "Go to class,"
and "Balance work and play."
Presently I'm more interested in balancing a beer bottle on my head. I have a feelings that within a week my fellow first year SUSers and I will be puking up Shaftbury
Cream Ale all over those comfy Chem B160 couches. And I'm deeply considering
UPSing my laundry home to mom every weekend as I need extra time to escape from
my engineering ex-boyfriends with intentions of tanking me without warning. But
before I develop a substantial case of rickets from my Kraft Diner diet, I feel I must
denounce the Royal/Hong Kong Bank Deal, also called UBC Sellout #3. Darn it, I just
changed to TD bank to save $ on service charges. And I'm already missing my dear
Still I had no idea that UBC would be such a dump. Literally. The proposed south
campus garbage dump is putting a cramp in my "paper plates and styrofoam cup"
lifestyle. I'm just beginning to realize just how much 70,000 kg of garbage per week
can smell. Still, I'm ready to face that first day of school (watching a concert and eating burgers doesn't sound half bad, eh?) At least all us first years can laugh at all
those older kids running off to class. But the summer definitely ended on a high
note. Did you check
out Edgefest? It
rocked! Just watch
out for those hard
core goths that
came out for Tea
Party...all of the sudden the mosh pit
got way too violent.
Our Lady Peace's
encore was definitely the highlight of
my summer. To sign
off, all I have to say
is god bless the
Health Sciences
Parking attendant
who let us park for
free. Rock on.
Wednesday, Sept. 3rd
Main Mall
Cheap Burgers!
Cheaper for frosh!
AS C£/rr*|iJ AS i Atf THAT
X \1\LL ■%£ A MeATl
Wilt R* m wu  ^ RNp Jm im?
find out
every 2
weeks in
An Open letter to
the Students nil U.B.C.
Hi. M>? name is Da>Jid La\0rence, and I'm in
charge oj: retail sales for the UBC Bookstore.
The Bookstore has been concerned xOith the
recent popularity of so-called "discount"
bookstores and the corresponding decline of
our net prdfUs sales.
Do ^ou realty kno\J \3hat you're buying
v)hen -9011 get a Hath book for $40 less at a
"discount" bookstore? Sla-Oer}, that's \Jhat.
Those books are assembled Ity 8 -fear old
children in the Peruvian jungle >oJho earn less
than 5 cents a da>? and a -»Jhip in the back if
the->J slo>s5 up for e\)en a second. And the
books aren't e^Oen made from recycled materials.
Books bought and sold rty the UBC
Bookstore are constructed right here in
Canada Ity a workforce -»Jith an average age
of at least 12. Our books are constructed of
a durable petroleum extract so that it can
serOe generations of UBC students, provided
that the material remains relevant.
Nvhich reminds me, I've heard a lot of flack
concerning ho\J the Bookstore recommends
to professors that the^ update the required
tests for classes e^Oerf >Jear. UBC is a first
class learning institution and \)z \s3ant our
students to learn -»3ith the latest information.
E>Jen if that requires making eOettyone taking
fourth ^ear biology to btty a ne\5 $300 book
half N0a>} through the semester just because
the>J fixed the spelling of intestine on page
And that brings me to ^et another sore spot.
It seems that '{ou students think that our
prices are unfair. Sure, v3e charge $160 this
^ear for the exact same book that ^ent for
$95 last 'Jear. Do >?ou think that storing it for
a -"{ear is free? Besides, \0e'll gWe ^ou $20
for ->?our old one! ^oJhat a deal! And don't get
mad >o3hen v3e turn around and sell it as
'used' for the discount price of $155 instead
of $160. Putting that sticker on it costs
labour! Do ^Jou think our staff -»3ork for free?
Granted, \0e onty pa<j them $7 an hour, but it
adds up cWer time, ~iou tity and run v3estern
Canada's biggest bookstore on pennies a
It's time ^ou realized ho\J hard it is to make
mone'} in this game. Besides, ^ou students
don't ha-Oe a right to complain. It's not as if
S»our earned that scholarship mone^.
To \0rap up, ^e might charge tvOice as much
as our competitors, but the>? can't change a
required course text overnight. And don't
think >s?e -»Jon't do it. PAGE FOUR
Vi$! VO!/ CAM BF
A XFFA/FR 700/
Get them while they're
hot! Every Front Row
Keener™ needs a four
colour clicker pen! Be
part of the fury of clicks
that happens in every
first year class when the
prof changes colours on
the overhead!
Let them, know you re keen.
Be part of the tradition.
We Four Colour Cucksr
Pm Front Row Khmcr
£fr/r/OM"OA/ SAU AT ftC
TkMOiRBfRO Shop wmu
The Off!
First Year T
Advice for frosh
from The 432,
• Get involved in undergraduate societies and clubs.
Why? They don't ID the people who are serving at
bzzr gardens.
• Go to the Bookstore at 8:30 in the morning. Why?
No lineups. It's true. Really.
• Your UBiC Respack™ includes a free condom! Use it
before the expiry date (4 years from now).
• Books from the bookstore can be returned for a full
refund anytime within two weeks of purchase no
questions asked. Yes, even during exams.
• Arts Bzzr Gardens use the same bzzr tickets all year
• Attendants leave the booths in B-Lot around 11 pm
and leave the gates up.
• Wreck beach sounds fun, but can be a very, very
ugly place to spend an afternoon. (Think Uncle Ralph
without his bathrobe.)
• No tankings are allowed on Fridays.
• Library fines do add up.
• They lake away fake IDs at The Pit.
• The big, round thing in the washroom at The Pit is
not a urinal.
Get Involved*
Science Council Elections are
coming this October* Council
positions are available for club
representatives, departmental
representatives, general officers
and two positions just for first
Watch future issues of The 432
for information, call SUS at 822
4235, or better yet stop by and
talk to John Fournier in SUS
(Chem B160).
Science UBC.
Your life will never be the same. BER1997
dal 432
heme Page
The SUS Office
Chem B160
Photocopier. 5^
Fridge. Beware of Couch,
attack salads.
No fish!
Secret Base™
It's Yours. Use it.
?*««• Monthly.$i»
irs Yours. Abuse it. PAGE SIX
Apples, stereos and
space stations
I think the world is coming to an end.
The four horsemen are riding, doom-
sayers crying from every corner, and
cults gaining members faster than that
Tickle Me Elmo craze from last
Here's my reasons for thinking The End
of The World is upon us:
1. Microsoft buys into Apple Computer.
This is not good. In fact, in a pseudo-
religious context, this is on the same
level as Satan walking up to the Pearly
Gates, knocking politely, and when
Gabriel answers, Satan says, "Gee, I'm
really sorry for all the trouble I've
caused, but you see, I've left my wallet
on my old dresser, and please, could I
come into Heaven to get it?"
Steve Jobs-as close to an angel as you're
going to find on this earth-must be out
of his blinking mind. Sure, let The
Biggest Software Conglomerate Of All
Time buy into your company, but count
all the silverware first, ok? Otherwise,
you'll wake up one morning with nothing left of Apple than the nameplate
from your door.
2. Vancouver Garbage Strike. Also not
good, as the rats are gaining dominance
over us lousy humans. Isn't a plague supposed to be one of the signs to look out
for? Although, I must admit that the
piles of garbage are a nifty aid to navigation. Ships can easily see the piles of
trash on the beach (they also glow
brightly in the night time) and I always
can tell when I've crossed from Burnaby
into Vancouver.
3. My parents are entering the 21st century. No, really. You see, my dad finally
snapped (a la Champ) and retired his
venerable 8-track and reel-to-reel. These
were the entirety of the family entertainment center, along with a television that
looked like something out of Leave it to
Beaver, and a VCR from the dawn of the
VCR age-back when Beta was thought to
be a really good investment.
Nope, one day I come home, and there's
packing crates all over the living room,
styrofoam beads in every nook and cranny, and my dad sitting in the middle of
it all with a bemused look on his face as
he attempts to translate the operating
instructions into something resembling
English. "Insert Tab A into place C, lock
and try again..." You know, the ones that
make more sense if you puzzle out the
meaning of the Spanish?
Anyway, he went out and bought a 5
disc changer, a stereo receiver with pre-
amp, a surround sound speaker system,
and-proving he hasn't really entered the
21st century, and is quite likely stuck in
the early 80's-a dual cassette player. He's
in the middle of wiring it all up, and
now intends to retire the circa-19 70 television and enter the digital age.
So, the world is ending, and there's no
safe place to be. Except maybe orbiting
the Earth at an altitude of 1.4 miles. Like
the space station Mir.
I figure, bey, if the Russians can keep
that piece of junk in orbit, how hard can
it be? I'll just whip down to my local
drugstore and find a copy of Popular
Mechanics. That's where the Russians
got their plans, right? And I can obviously do everything-up to the launch,
that is-since they obviously hired Tim
Taylor as their Chief Engineer.
Ingredients for your very own space station:
1. Living Module: Your personal automobile should do nicely, providing you
can't see through the floorboards.
Simply roll up the windows really tight,
and seal with a clear silcone putty (avail-,
able for $4.95 from your local hardware
store). A larger automobile is best, preferably a Chevy Suburban. Foreign imports
(i.e. Kia or Nissan) will simply not have
enough room.
2. Thruster System: Splice hoses from
your exhaust, and have them exit from
different directions around your car.
Duct tape hoses to body of car to prevent
leakage. When you need to adjust your
orbit, simply select correct hose, rev
engine and hope like hell you've got the
right hose. Note: ensure you have a full
gas tank before leaving Earth's gravity
3. Solar Power: We've all got old calculators lying around. Gather up the solar
panels, splice together, and glue onto
roof of car.
4. Backup Power: Honda generator.
5. Station Computer: See 3.
6. Oxygen generator: They use algae,
right? Good, no problem. Simply
remove that artichoke dip you left in the
back of the fridge, add expired milk, and
dump the whole mess in to a plastic container that has a chunk of garden hose
sticking out the top. Oxygen for years.
7. Backup Oxygen Generator: This
might be too scientific for most people,
but I'm going to play it safe, and stick
ray SCUBA tanks in the back.
You're ready to be launched into space.
This would have posed a problem, as
NASA looks dimly on people towing a
1988 Ford Escort Wagon space station up
their front doors and asking for a boost.
But now, there's a company down in
California (where else?) who can launch
your remains into space. Imagine, following the same route to the tranquility
of deep space as Gene Roddenberry! So,
call them up, tell them they've got a customer who's 600 pounds who specified
burial in his beloved car.
Speaking of tranquility, it is fairly quiet
up there. If you're leaving behind loved
ones, go get a sat phone, or at least a
good CB to communicate with the
Shuttle as it passes by. If not, don't
worry. Just bring your tunes.
The Official 432 Dead Pool 2.
UBC's most tasteless contest returns for its second year.
DISCLAIMER: If you are offended easily or sicken the thought of betting
on some one's death, go read Amanda's article again. Look for the
secret message.
You can't outwit Death, but you can sure make a nice profit off of it. Here's how: make a list of          OI lICIcll  Dedd
15 famous folks who you think are likely to pop it by year's end, submit it to The 432 by the first              Pftril  Rill AC
of October and start watching the evening news with anticipation.                                                                 Wl  ImMsHS**
Sure, it's amoral, insensitive and quite frankly a little bit sick. But it's lots of fun! And it doesn't         ^    Mak? a 'ist of 15 individuals that
*...,...         ^    i ^        ■          ...»                                                                                                                                          you think are likely to pop it before
cost a thing to enter! So why not?                                                                                                                  press time of the last issue of The
C'mon, what have you got to lose? Make up your list and start waitinq! Updates will be printed        „    ,.    ,       ...     „ ,„ . ,     „
.    .    T. 3.,,  _       . .    .       j '     . ,       ...                         3     r                          r                     2.    Hand your list into SUS before Oct.
every two weeks in The 432. Good luck and don t fear the reaper.                                                                  1. Any deaths before Oct. 1 cannot
count for points.
3.    Late entries will be accepted.
However, you dont get points for
people already dead.
Some perrenial favorites:
Pope John Paul II (It's almost like he's got God's favor or something)
The Queen Mother (How old is she, anyway? What, one, two-hundred?)
Mother Theresa (She's only alive because of God's will. But the minute He blinks...)
Queen Elizabeth II (Odds are Liz'll beat ma to the grave.)
Boris Yeltsin (Can you believe he made it through last year?)
Tiny Tim (Oh yeah, he's already dead, scratch that one.)
Bob Dole (Anybody who refers to himself in the third person that much has to be near the end.)
Bob Sagat (1 (enow he's too young, but wouldn't it be nice?)
Keith Richards (We figure that he's already dead, but his brain has clued in yet)
Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's (Anybody who eats that much greasy food has to kick it soon)
Rush Limbaugh (Two words: heart failure.)
Ronald Reagan (Close. Sooooo close.)
Tuk the Polar Bear (Even bears die and 1 need a new fur jacket...)
Frank Sinatra (First he's on his deathbed, now he isn't. Just give up and croak, Frank.)
4. Only include celebrities. Names like
"Anyone who flies Valujet", "rny
roommate" and "The editor of The
432" will not be accepted.
5. All deaths on your list will only count
for one point, regardless of ordering.
6. Any contestant found guilty in a
court of law for the murder of a
celebrity on their list will not receive
the point. Everyone else, however,
6. There is no rule six.
7. We're sorry. Elvis is dead. If you must
include him, he will have to be
proven to be alive and subsequently
die during the contest for you to get
a point.
8. We don't know what the prize is
yet, but it'll be something really cool.
Trust us. Last year, we gave away a
few tickets to Arts County Fair. 3 SEPTEMBER 1997
The Drawers of SUS
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Bella CArvaJIho
Well thanks again Jer, I could be enjoying some food now but no, here I am
again writing another exec report two days before I was told it was due. But
I guess that's beside the point because there isn't anything that can stand
in the way of the 432 coming out on time; mind you they usually have food and bzzr
here (another incentive to write).
Anyway, I'm Mike Boetzkes and for some strange reason I got reelected as SoCo here
at SUS. So you say "what do you care?" Well it means that some of that money that
you have to had paid by today or else get you courses canceled goes to me. I only
wish I got to keep it but nooooo, I have to spend it on alcohol. A decent trade off I
guess. What am I saying it's awesome.
OK you say how do you get some of this alcohol? Well it's actually easier than you
might think. A good start would be to go to the SUS bzzr garden on Wed Sept. 3.
After all you should start the year off on the right foot, or well any foot that you can
At this point I'm going off to eat looking forward to watching you all trying to stay
on your feet on Wed.
-Mikey is the guy at our bzzr gardens, diligently watching the crowd, drinking from a can
of coke.' Yeah, sure Mikey. If you're wondering why there aren't any other exec reports in
this issue, so am I. It seems that all of the other execs have fallen off the face of the earth,
and are now residing in some other dimension.
Welcome back, everyone! I hope everyone's summer was more exciting than
mine. Actually, I take that back, I don't. I've already got enough people
around to be jealous of, thank you very much. Anyhoo, I have this report
thing to write, and actually, it's going to be fairly short, because my deadline has
been shortened from tomorrow to 1/2 an hour from now. In the first two weeks of
school, there is the following: first year BBQ - first year's get a free lunch, all others
can pay a nominal fee. Details about this should be floating around in the paper
somewhere...check John F's article, if he wrote one. 2nd Class bash on (of course) the
second day of classes. Avoid the line ups at the Pit...join us for cheap bzzr. 4:32 in
the Partyroom, check Mikey's article for this one.
If you didn't get a guide and still need one, drop by Chem 160 and see Jer. Sports
rebates are rumoured toPartyroom, check Mikey's article for this one. If you didn't
get a guide and still need one, drop by Chem 160 and see Jer. Sports rebates are
rumoured to be increasing to 60% this year! So sign up for a team, and drop off your
roster and receipt with Aarne for that. And if you can't find a team, no problem, just
track him down and he'll find somewhere for you. That's all for this issue, I believe.
Drop by the office sometime (chem 160) and visit us. We're not too scary a bunch of
people (except for Jer on production nights, but I steer clear of him. then).
Bella got this article to me 10 minutes before the paper went to print. Now, that's timing.
Of course, it could be that they just don't like me.
September 10th
submissions to jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca
or dropped off to Chem B160.
i i Ax/cr Vol UNTEER
DO YO"I  HAVE  VOL r pmsoN
Hours LEFroNNcE7
432 NEW
This entire paper has; been micro-
printed with watermarks depicting
illegal and patently offensive
pornography involving minors,
cheap liquor and Bob Lowe. Hold up
to a strong light to view.
If your answer to any question
Q was ires' or '.three' we can help the other o
°     two become reality. The first person to
° stumble into SUS (Chem BlfiOl completely
drunu will be given 10 free IBzzr at the 2nd
Class Bash, as well as other 432 prizes.
triViikVMi.t •
o .o„M«»«l»M,,,0.
sliu sibsD irkit legal sluff:t)ni« in mill* binmsri* Is mt wiillfi. Mini MM kelsns litlm msnlirs tf tts 41! still.
Submarines and apple pie
There's a lot of talk floating around
the province about kicking the
Americans out of Nanoose Bay
over the ongoing salmon war. I've heard
varying opinions from "Kick them damn
Yankees out!" all the way to "No! They'll
protect us if we're invaded!" Well, it's
time to set the record straight.
You see, what the big boys in Victoria
have neglected to tell you is exactly what
military installation is at Nanoose.
Everyone seems to agree that some sort
of armed forces camp is at Nanoose, but
no one seems to know what it is or how
important to Washington it is. I grew up
at Nanoose. I spent a good 18 years of
my life living next door to the Southern
Yahoos that the USA had deemed fit to
maintain and operate Nanoose Base. So
it follows that I should know what's
Basically, the entire US side of the base
consists of about 20 aging buildings, two
marine docks and about 150 raw recruits
(with fully loaded M-16s) whose main
duty is to spend each and every day dutifully ensuring that they don't actually
light anything at the base on fire (you'd
be amazed how often they fail).
So what do these idiots do all day?
Simply put, they practice getting invaded and shot at. Ships full of experienced
marines come in every week or so and
absolutely slaughter the raw recruits.
Any surprises here? I thought not.
As well, every time the Pentagon comes
up with a new maritime commie-fanny
zapper or five trillion dollar lazer nuke-
be-stopped of some kind, they send it
over to Private Zeke and Corporal Jethro
at Nanoose. They then load up their
1950s-era mine sweeper and head out to
CFMETR (Canadian Forces Maritime
Experimental Test Range). Then Zeke
and Cousin Jethro aim at something,
shoot it and count the pieces so the guys
back in DC have a more accurate estimate of what "smithereens" means.
So why does the US spend millions of
dollars sending America's finest up to
the Great White North when they could
blow things up Monday through Friday
in Seattle and still have time for a latte
on the weekend? It would make more
sense, wouldn't it? Keeping top secret
American naval activities inside the US's
borders is just good national defense.
Now we get to the fun stuff. You see,
under the treaty that allows military
activity at Nanoose is the very explicit
statement that no nuclear devices are to
be involved. Yes, this does mean
weapons. I mean, what kind of idiot
would allow nuclear testing on
Canadian soil? Well, Mulroney might
have, but that's another story. The catch
is that the term "nuclear devices" also
includes nuclear powered submarines.
Do they obey this rule? Not on your life.
Oh sure, they say "Absolutely no nuclear
submarines have ever been in Nanoose".
Then you show them a photo of a Los
Angeles-class attack sub tied to berth
"Very interesting. But this obviously
isn't our facility at Nanoose Bay."
Next you produce a picture of the same
sub from a different angle, so that it
shows the 'CFB Nanoose' sign in the
"Yes. That is Nanoose. But this is just a
classified fishing boat."
Then you point out to them that very
few fishing boats are either submerged,
85,000 tones or have a 'caution, nuclear
fuel inside' sticker on the side.
"Would you believe two fishing boats?"
You get the point. It's about as productive as asking the Pentagon about Area
Back to my point, with all this nuclear
traffic going hither and thither in a
weapons testing zone, the potential for a
nuclear 'oops' shoots up a bit. Now you
see why they need a foreign testing facility. You can't go radiating your own citizens now, can you? That just wouldn't
be a seemly thing for a government to
do. But go and microwave them backward, frozen Canucks and no one's the
wiser. I mean, who actually speaks
enough French to miss them?
I can see it now. The US Ambassador to
Canada requests a meeting with the PM,
and over tea admits "Well, um, you see,
sir. The thing is, uh, we kinda vaporized
South Western British Columbia, but
there is an up side. It doesn't rain in
Vancouver nearly as much now!" And
our PM will have to sit there, smile and
nod because you can't rant and rave at a
country that has an armed forces roughly equivalent to your entire population.
So, kick the bums out. So what if they
no longer are going to run to our rescue
if we're invaded. I mean, exactly who is
supposed to be invading us anyway?
Who has a grudge against Canada? It's
not like Argentina going to look at a map
and say "Hey, wait a minute. Do you see
that? British Columbia!
British Columbia! Let's get them!" I'm
sorry, it's not going to happen folks.
Let's do the math. What country might
have a bit of a grudge against Canada
and could possibly stand to gain by
annexing part of Canuck-land? From
another angle, what country has been
salivating in anticipation ever since the
mere mention of a fragmented Canada
came out of Quebec?
You got it folks. The only country that
might possibly invade Canada is the US.
They still want retribution for that
whole 1812 thing and, besides, it's their
manifest destiny, isn't it? A lot of good a
military promise from the USA is going
to do when it's the Yankees we're looking across the trench at. ("Um, we're
going to send you those troops we
promised. Just stop shooting for a bit!
No, this isn't a trick.")
No, we're better off kicking the idiots
out and then start raising our army and
stocking up on snowballs. Those Yankees
won't even know what hit them... unless
it's summer.
-John is starting UBC's first ever militia.
Interested parties please contact the RCMP.
he year off right.
Disclaimer: The Science Undergi
2nd Class Bash*
4:32pm SUB Partyroom
ss not endorse excessive drinking, drunkeness or the consumption of alcohol by minors. That, however, doesn't mean that we don't really really like it.
(click here to lose your mind ")
O    N   L   I   N   E


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