UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Nov 19, 2002

Item Metadata


JSON: the432-1.0000551.json
JSON-LD: the432-1.0000551-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): the432-1.0000551-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: the432-1.0000551-rdf.json
Turtle: the432-1.0000551-turtle.txt
N-Triples: the432-1.0000551-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: the432-1.0000551-source.json
Full Text

Full Text

 '■ > /',;. L,iJ:.? te/g **&&£tQ%&
19 NOVEMBER 2002
In this issue:
:£j/jd 3 0
'If you're nof part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
-Drew Lawson
PETA Forces Santa to Stop
"Exploiting" Reindeer
(North Pole, Reuters)
Santa Clause has reportedly succumbed to pressure from the People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,
and will not be using reindeer to pull his
sled this Christmas. Instead, he has had to
look for an alternative form of transport.
So far, the best option seems not to be an
exciting Russian-made rocket jetpack
(which proved unusable due to fuel supply problems and lift force constraints) but
rather a used Sea King helicopter, purchased third hand from the Canadian Government-.
The new delivery system is far from bug-
free, however. A test run this November
left Jimmy's Hobby horse floating in the
North Atlantic. Further, Transport Canada
has blocked Santa's attempts to place a red
light on the nose of the craft, saying that it
will confuse other aircraft as to what direction he is travelling making the risk of col-
"It's not like I'm Eating them." -Santa Clause
lision much higher.
Several other concerns are also threatening to stop the Sea King from ever taking
off, despite it's 10% prepayment of
CDN$35.99. Noise pollution is a big concern. No longer will children be listening
for reindeer on the rooftop. Under the proposed change, rattling windows and shaking foundations will signal Santa Clause's
Further, the Sea King cannot operate in as
severe weather conditions as the reindeer,
so actual delivery of presents could be anywhere from December 20th to January 12th
depending on the forecast.
As an alternative, Santa has considered
several non-conventional delivery systems.
A press release distributed just yesterday
states that at the North Pole, research is
being conducted on using paired photons
to transmit individual bits (one on/off signal). So far, however, test children have not
been impressed by the hundred and
twelve photon transfer which sent the message "peace on earth," calling it "the suck-
iest light show ever," "just a little blip,"
and "what, did I miss it? I knew I shouldn't have blinked." Current theories show
that this lack of enthusiasm might be
because of the average household's lack of
the $120 000 equipment to properly receive
and interpret the photons, although one
can jury-rig a setup with only a light-sensitive plate and some polarized glass. The
technology is still new, however, so we
won't be seeing its implementation until at
least 2008.
No word yet has been given on the final
disposition of the reindeer although
rumours have been circulating wildly.
According to one elf, Santa Clause is considering sending the reindeer to a hamburger factory.
"That'll teach those PETA bastards," Mr.
Clause  has  reportedly   repeated   while
heavily intoxicated under the influence of
Rudolph, however, with his nose so
bright, is likely to be spared from the hamburger factory and donated to the University of Toronto Zoology department for
Another report has said that the Canadian
government is interested in buying the
reindeer to replace it's Sea Kings.
"No decision has been made yet, but we
figure we could trade back and forth like
that for a while before PETA figured it
out," stated John McCallum, Minister of
National Defence. "Additionally, it will
keep us from actually having to buy new
helicopters for ten or twenty more years."
"Using reindeer instead of Sea Kings will
also help us meet our Kyoto requirements," added David Anderson, environment Minister. "That is, if they don't fart
too much."
NASA Denies Hubble Deception
Kiss the Pig is this Friday.
See page 7 for more information
(Frank Yang, Greenbelt, MD)
Finally breaking a month long media
blackout on Tuesday, November 12, a
NASA spokesman reiterated the
agency's denial of decade long suspicions
that the Hubble space telescope repair mission was a hoax.
The NASA representative gave a brief
speech confirming there indeed was a mission to repair the telescope after it was
found to" have a defective mirror, stating
that the breathtaking photos of stellar phenomenon and distant galaxies are in fact
genuine, and not digital images created by
the agency's own computer artists.
NASA released the statement after internal documents were leaked by former
employee and computer graphics artist
Edward Rosenbaum. The documents outlined procedures of misleading the American public and international scientific community into believing the malfunctioning
telescope was repaired and functioned as
intended. Detailed instructions were found
outlining everything from the filming of
the "space walk" in diving pools used to
simulate weightlessness, to what doctored
launch footage of earlier Endeavour missions were to be used in the PR campaign,
to contingencies of media blackout and
subsequent denial in case the public ever
came to doubt the telescope's success were
outlined meticulously in the 84 page document. It also included a memo of approval
dated in early 1993 and signed by then
deputy associate administrator for safety
and mission quality, Charles Pellerin, the
man largely credited with assembling the
team that saved the 2.5 billion dollar telescope.
The documents, coupled with the recent
press release from NASA, came as the long
awaited vindication of many proponents
of a NASA cover up. Author and long time
investigator of possible NASA deceptions,
Bill Kaysing is overjoyed by these recent
developments. "The layer upon layer of
lies and deceit spun by the shadow government has finally begun to unravel."
said Kaysing, "Soon there will be no more
stories left to cover up the clandestine
activities of NASA. Soon the entire world
will know the truth-that they intended
Hubble not to work because they didn't
want anyone to see the secret human-alien
hybrid colony 'Monolith One', built on the
third moon of Neptune."
, Despite the public controversy surrounding the documents, Rosenbaum himself
has been largely silent regarding his
actions. Aside from denying that he is still
on the NASA payroll, he has so far chosen
to refuse all interviews. Page Two
19 November 2002
Volume Sixteen
Issue Six
19 November 2002
Benjamin Warrington
Fiend (Dan Anderson)
Jane Gingrich
Mrs. Claus
Miyako Hewett
Will Chao
Santa's Little Helpers
Amanda Beatty
Emily Casey
Fiend (Dan Anderson)
Miyako Hewett
Vanessa Kay
Jo Krack
Kristin Lyons
Angelique Myles
Kevin Nottle
Annes Song
Rachael Sundin
Eric Tong
Sameer Wahid
Benjamin Warrington
Frank Yang
Dan Yokom
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
We like it when people contact us.
Operation GOP
Angelique Myles
Loves the Sunscreen
Today marks a sad day in the history of humankind, for as of
now we must use brute force in urging children to play outside amongst the rust-coloured monkey bars and lop-sided
see saw. It is time for these sedentary kids to reclaim the playground whether they like it or not.
This transition, however, will not be easy. These children will
have to learn how to play all over again. Their eyes are no longer
accustomed to extensive hours of daylight and their skin is pasty
and white and must be protected with cream as thick as whale
blubber. During the past few months the most qualified and experienced scientists, researchers and dieticians have been designing
a protocol to absolve the nation of a generation corrupted by
excessive pop-tart eating and long hours in front of a talking box.
The Top Secret game-plan is essential in order to retrieve the once
robust health of all young children and to ensure a prosperous
future for the country.
Operation Go Outside and Play Today....Right Now! (GOP)
will be introduced to schools across the nation and there will be
mandatory parental meetings to ensure the guidelines are met,
both at home and in the institutions. A great deal of preclinical
tests were conducted on volunteers to ensure the operation would
succeed. Parents signed up their kids with exceptional speed and
Little June Star and John Wesley were coerced to play tennis,
jump on a trampoline, skip rope, play tag and go swimming. They
were subjected to a compulsory 30 minutes of recreational activity and any "extra" time was rewarded with nutritional treats (low
in sugar), toys, books and music. June and John were also put on
a low sugar, low fat diet, that included austere restriction on
processed goods. For instance anything that came from a shiny
cellophane package that said Instant Quick Meal in No-Time, like
Totina's Nacho Snacks and Teno's Pizza! Pizza! Rolls were forbidden. Plus, anything that had obscure ingredients that no one can
pronounce properly, like gelatin hydrolysate, maltodextrins and
fructo-oligosaccharide were off limits as well. So the kids were
consequently subjected to eating well balanced home cooked
meals containing fresh ingredients flavored with spices and a
pinch of salt.
It was an arduous endeavor to get these kids on the sunshine
smiling road to a healthy lifestyle. June had to be weaned from the
fizzy, artificially coloured sucrose laden drinks that she had been
dependent on since she was 3 years old. And John's low attention
span due to copious hours of playing video games forced
researchers to alter his aerobic activity every 5 minutes or else he
would become an uncontrollable hooligan and start frothing at the
Once the test subjects adapted to the guidelines of operation GOP
they were sent home with a Care Kit. The kit contained instructions for their parents on how to maintain this new lifestyle in
their homes as well as a 24 hour help line in case June or John were
to retreat back into their old deleterious ways. Positive results
have been obtained since June, John and the other subjects have
been restored to their normal lives. As soon as the whole nation
becomes involved in the operation, dozy eyed, moldy cheese-
smelling children will be transformed into wind-whipped cheeks
and grass-stained pants once again.
There is still hope for a prosperous.future. So folks, ban those pastry dough tarts filled with "real" fruit, chocolate, marshmallow,
brown sugar, and cinnamon; instead have a crunchy, paper flavored rice cake instead.
h    Ben Warrington
It is almost Christmas time, which
means exam season, crowded malls,
annoying music, and so on. Oh how I
am looking forward to it. No seriously, I
You see, exam season means I can relax.
Sure I have to study, but I can sleep in until
three p.m. and study until four a.m. if I
want to. I can take a break whenever the
hell I want, and I don't have to worry so
much about personal hygiene if all I am
doing is sitting at home.
Speaking of ignoring my personal
hygiene for days at at time. This really
helps out for the second thing on my list of
holiday joys. Smelling a little off helps with
the personal space when wandering
through the crowded malls. Additionally,
if you can remain patient with the teeming
masses, they can be quite amusing to
watch as the lead their pointless little lives.
Of course, you have to not think about the
fact that your life is just as little and pointless.
The annoying Christmas music is only
annoying because they play it from Hallowe'en onward. If you can avoid the
music until say, December 20th, then you
only have to put up with it for five days. I
am supposed to be studying for finals, anyway, so this might even work.
Anyway, I am venturing home to the
frozen wastelands of Alberta for this
Christmas season, but don't .feel bad for
me. I like the snow a whole lot more than
the GD rain that has been plaguing us here.
Well anyway, have a joyful non-denominational holiday season.
Taught by students who know the course
@ Chemistry B250 19 November 2002
Page Three
Japanese Sociology Lesson
Jo Krack
Fashion Consultant
Well, it's now been almost eight
weeks since I arrived in Osaka
for my first Japanese adventure.
I've told you about the food, the weather,
but I know that I have neglected to tell you
about the one thing you're all really wondering about. . . the people. More specifically, the young, attractive people like
yourselves. "What is my Japanese doppel-
ganger up to over there?" you may be
thinking. "Is he mackin' on the gals at the
local sushi hangout, or is he wasting his
time singing karaoke with "his boss?" Let
me fill you in on my own personal experiences. . .
JAPANESE GIRLS: Japanese girls are legendary in Canada. Come over here and
you'll see why. They ride motor-scooters in
stiletto heels, wear knee-high fur-lined
stiletto boots to class (even though I'm at
an all-girls' school!!), and cannot be separated from their cell phones without
surgery. Having said that, their cell phones
are really cool and I'm just bitter that I can't
afford one yet. They've got games, email,
and all sorts of other functions. On the
train, men and women alike are completely absorbed in programming and cooing
over their cute little phones (yes, even the
men's phones are cute). A sure sign that
Japanese people really like to spend money
is the invention of cell-phone straps: for a
few bucks, you can hang something dang-
ly and cute from your cell phone. Add too
many of these accessories, and your reception may suffer, but hey, who cares, your
phone deserves to be as cute as it can be,
But back to Japanese girls. Most of the
young girls do dress, on average, classier
than the average female Canadian university student. The students do not show up
for class in sweatpants, and their hair
always looks perfect. However, just like in
Canada, not all girls are so fashion-minded, so I feel like I fit in just fine. It is pretty
amazing to watch the lengths to which
some of the girls will go for fashion,
though. In one of my classes, a girl showed
up entirely in pink. Yes, I mean ENTIRELY.
Pink eye shadow, pink blush, a big pink
What is white,
2.4 inches wide,
and five and a half
inches from the base
o] Suiqiawos paniiuqns A\uo p(uoX. ji
'paiig aAKq pjnoo noA qaiqM 'aa^ds siqjL
felt coat trimmed with pink fur, pink boots,
and a furry pink purse. The only thing that
wasn't pink was her top, which was a lacy
black thing that looked like a negligee!
And no, guys, I won't send you pictures;
there are enough websites specializing in
that sort of thing. . . To add to all that, the
girl had her hair dyed blonde and permed
in these huge sort of wavy ringlets... quite
an interesting effect! I'd say that the image
she projected was of a fluffy white cat
purring on a rich woman's lap. . .
What else can I tell you about Japanese
women my age? Many men decide that a
nice, obedient, gorgeous, young Japanese
girl would make the perfect wife, and head
over to Japan under the guise of "English
teaching" to find this feminine ideal. It's
true that a large number of young Japanese
women are actively seeking non-Japanese
boyfriends/husbands, and often meet these
partners through English conversation
clubs and the like. However, the non-
Japanese man must remember that Japanese women, although they share a common
culture, are not a homogenous bunch.
They're not all obedient, they're not all gorgeous, they're not all good cooks, and
they're not all interested in non-Japanese
men. Too many men arrive in Japan convinced that their foreignness is enough to
win them their dream woman: the reality is
that it won't get you much further than a
little Japanese booty; for anything more
meaningful, you're going to have to work
at it, just as you would have to in your own
country (except throw in another language!). Of course, if you're just looking for
booty, being non-Japanese grants you
instant exotic appeal, so by all means have
fun with it!
JAPANESE MEN: Japanese men have gotten a bad reputation for being chauvinistic
workaholics who aren't interested in
spending time with their families. Certainly a culture that places such great importance on a man's career (his company often
becomes his second family) and impedes a
woman's career (some companies are
reputed to hire only young, unmarried,
attractive women — so that their male
employees can find a suitable wife without
taking time off! Of course, women are
expected to resign as soon as they marry.)
is bound to produce some gender stereotypes reminiscent of the American 1950s.
Having said all that, the point is really
that people who are consciously choosing
to date outside their own cultures are also
consciously rejecting some of their culture.
For example, a nice young man I met at a
Halloween party had given up dating
Japanese women because he felt that they
were only interested in dating a man if he
were rich and had a nice car. To him, foreign women were more interesting to date
because they seemed more interested in his
character and thoughts than in his income.
Of course he did get along with some
Japanese women and had dated them in
the past; the point was that he'd travelled
abroad extensively and was looking for
other people with broader world views.
My main impression of the men here is
that they're too shy for most Western
females' tastes. Western gals may find
themselves playing the "guy" role and initiating conversations, dances, and perhaps
even sex. But for girls who like to take the
lead, it's perfect! And if you find a Japanese
guy who has lived abroad for at least six
months to a year, odds are that he'll be
comfortable enough with different cultures
to break out of his own a bit and take some
risks. Which means the last barrier
between Western women/Japanese men
relations is . . .. FASHION! I'm sorry, but
when the guy is skinnier than I am and has
a blonde afro, skintight leather pants, and
a shirt with ruffles and rips and stuff hanging off it... it's just not doing anything for
me. There have been times when I've had
to take a good hard look to determine that
the guy checking me out really is, in fact, a
guy and not some curious woman!
Well, my adventure continues. I'll leave
you with this: One of the weird things
about being the lone white person in a
crowd (and I'm from Richmond, so I'm
used to this!) is that suddenly people want
to take my picture. At first, when a mother
asked me this, I thought she wanted me to
take a picture of her and her family, and I
readily agreed. Then her husband took the
camera; and she and her family crowded
around me and said "Chi-zu!" (Japanese
approximation of "cheese!"). And thus I
was introduced to the concept of actually
BEING the tourist attraction rather than
visiting it! Hmmm. . .
Been to Japan? Want to come visit? Email
me at gimmekrack@hotmail.com!
Dangle Spa:
Two Cents
Emily Casey
/ need the 2$ Back
Here I am, walking to class through
the rain on a normal rainy Vancouver day, trying to keep my ten-dollar umbrella intact through the wind,
when I notice a guy from my dorm on his
way to the same class. There is one marked
difference between the two of us, however
(besides our genital apparatus). He is comfortably dry in his Lexus. As I think of how
lucky he is, a Mercedes SUV stops for me
at the crosswalk. I cut through a parking
lot stocked with similar modeled cars, and
come to a sudden realization - there is
some major pimpin' going on here!
Being a small-town hick chick, I notice the
things big-city folk take for granted. So I
start looking around, checking out labels
on the jeans of passerby, sniffing the air for
designer scents, and of course noticing the
massive cell phone-to-student ratio. Then I
remember my life back east, in a town
where I was actually one of the lucky ones.
I worked two jobs all summer, truckin'
around in my ghetto-ass '91 Toyota Corolla hatchback, which officially died 2 days
before my flight to Vancouver. All with no
cell phone. And that was considered lucky.
Now before you all bemoan my sorry state,
realize that you are a massively big-
pimpin' city!
I realize the cost of living here is pretty
damn high, but I think that must be
because the style of living is so high. Houses are huge, wallets are huger, and those
damn Benz minivan-looking things have
hit with abundance comparable to that of
the fuzzy animal backpack in junior high.
And here I am, struggling to stay above the
poverty line with my own two feet and
that damn red umbrella.
Now I'm not trying to say that everyone
on this campus is big blingin', just a very
large number of people seem to be. I'm not
hatin' either. All I'm trying to say is - Can I
get a ride sometime?
(Donations to the Pimpify Poor Emily Fund
can be made to box 1224, Totem Park Ghetto)
eric tong 2002 Page Four
19 November 2002
Televised Tantalize
Eggy Y"h
* "       Don't Watch Much TV
There are two TV shows that I watch
religiously: Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
and Angel. They kind of go hand in
hand. And before you scoff my choice of
viewing, just do an internet search for
"Buffy" or any sort of related key word,
and you'll come up with bulletin boards
galore, spoiler sites (which 1 try so desperately to avoid, and pathetically fail in my
attempts), and articles from The Globe and
Mail. What's that? Articles in a well-reputed Canadian newspaper about my beloved
Buffy? That's right. And, further, several
Master's theses have been and are being
written about the Slayer and the Scoobies.
Last year, 1 had a medieval studies prof
who started every Wednesday's lecture
(bearing in mind that Buffy airs Tuesday
nights, of course) with a fifteen-minute dissection of the previous night's episode. It
had nothing to do with King Arthur or Sir
Thomas Malory, but it was great.
Not to say that every Buffy episode is
good; in fact, most of last season was horrible and depressing. But a good hour of
Buffy will set off several more hours of discussion, debate and pulling your hair out
over just how evil and manipulative Joss
Whedon (the show's creator) can be.
Apparently most people in cyber-space
have very little to do with their lives, as
they go into incredibly elaborate theories
about what tiny background details mean.
Things that I would never even notice.
Now, I'm not that obsessed with Buffy. I
will, however, admit to owning seasons 1
and 2 on DVD - and not oivning a DVD player. A sick obsession, this is.
So aside from my two wondrous hours of
Buffi/ and Angel on Tuesdays (and the several syndicated reruns that Space so graciously provides), I avoid TV like the
plague. I'll watch the occasional episode of
the Simpsons or even Malcolm in the Middle,
and I will admit to having a soft spot for
Will and Grace. But aside from that, the crap
that we're being spoon-fed on TV is...well,
crap. After the initial euphoria from Sur
vivor and other reality-based rip-offs finally settled down, most TV viewers realized
that we were just being left with attention-
craving nobodies playing house while all
of North America watched.
Worst of all are the dating shows. I can
handle a little bit of Blind Date - sometimes
it's nice to see that other people are just a
little bit more screwed up than you when it
comes to making connections with members of the opposite sex. And sometimes
it's just laugh-out-loud funny when you
wonder what the show's producers were
thinking when they paired up the vegetarian PETA activist with a hunter from Texas.
Sometimes, things (gasp!) even work out
and you feel somewhat cheered by the fact
that if the people in TV land are capable of
finding someone not horribly disfigured
and psychotic, then maybe there's hope for
you, too.
But the whole appeal of Blind Date is that
it focuses on two people, and on Roger
Lodge, the immensely annoying host. In
the let's-take-a-good-concept-and-run-it-
into-the-ground spirit, a whole slew of
competition-based dating shows came out:
now there's The Fifth Wheel, Meet My Parents, ElimiDate, and does anyone remember
Chains of Love? As if there weren't enough
pressure to meet someone on national TV
(while completely sloshed, might I add),
now they're throwing in competition and
money. This can end in nothing but
tragedy, and excellent TV ratings. They
somehow manage to schedule all of these
shows back to back so that once you get
sucked into one, you're forced to watch
hours and hours of doomed couples, slutty
girls and desperate guys. I could rationalize before that these were silly, silly Americans grasping for fifteen minutes of fame
(if even that), but now there are Canadian
versions of the show. Sigh. Any upper
hand we had over our neighbours to the
south has gone swiftly down the toilet, as
Canadians show all of North America that
we can be just as desperate as anyone else.
Blind Date airs its Canadian stint all this
week, at 7 pm on CityTV. I'm pretty sure
some of the contestants are from UBC. I'm
absolutely sure that all of the contestants
are drunk. I'll be setting my VCR.
White Ribbon Campaign
3rd Annual Pancake Breakfast
November 28
SUB Party Room (Room 200)
From 7:30am
Presented by the UBC Chapter
of the White Ribbon Campaign
Men Working to end Men's Violence Against Women
Cheap Christmas
Gift Suggestions
Bag of Pop Cans
This gift is actually worth money,
unlike, most, lottery tickets.
Chocolate Dip the Dead Bugs on the
Window Sill
Insects are considered a delicacy in
many countries, particularly in
Africa. This makes an exciting and
exotic gift.
Squirrel Nuts
Everyone likes nuts at Christmas.
Just follow a squirrel for a few hours
and raid his stash.
Clothes Pin Reindeer/Popsicle stick
These and other similar crafts will
remind your mother of your younger
Take that spoon that got jammed in
the garbarator, call it art
Modern art includes weird warped
metal pieces. You can make a table-
top piece for your gift.ee.
Expired Coupons
These come in the mail. Very little
effort required.
Old clothes
Instead of giving them to charity,
wrap your old clothes for your
friends. Tell them it is the new retro
fashion. If you don't have any to
spare, raid a Salvation Army donation
Jewelry made from pop can tabs
You spent, all that time collecting the
cans; you might, as well get two gifts
out: of it.
Dry stick
It's a back scratched
Box of rocks
Paint, soothing words and/or stylistic
animals on them, and they are
ancient spiritual tokens.
Gift certificates to places that don't
Have any computing skills at all?
You can create an authentic looking
gift certificate for a restaurant, that
doesn't: exist. With luck trying to find
the place will keep them busy and
away from you for a few weeks.
Wrap up something that you borrowed but haven't returned
You know it's a great gift because
they already owned it once, and they
probably need it.
Magazines from Dentist waiting
Good gift for someone whose interests include 20th century history.
Hallowe'en Candy
This stuff never goes bad.
Old Christmas presents
Nothing like re-gifting to keep the
holiday expenses down.
Peppermint flavoured condoms
Want, to suck my candy cane?
Restaurant mints and toothpicks
Okay, so this is just cheap.
Neighbour's garbage can, dog,
wreath from front door, welcome
mat, Christmas lights, hubcaps, et
If they really needed it, they wouldn't have left it lying around would
Kittens or Firewood
These are two items that: can often be
found for free in the classifieds. Kittens are especially good for children
whose parents you hate.
Sock puppet
What else are you going to do with
the sock that survived the dryer?
Christmas stocking
As above. Add some red and green
ribbon; use a magic marker. Voila.
Old Calendar
It's still good for at least 6 days, and
the artwork lasts forever.
New calendar
These can often be obtained free
from banks, drugstores, et cetera
Business card collection
Never use a phone book again.
Collage made from Christmas cards
Save them from the landfill for a little while longer.
Make from Christmas napkins or
wrapping paper. It's festive.
Grandmas, mothers, aunts all LOVE
pictures of their (grand)children,
nieces, nephews.
Parking receipts from B-Lot
Heat your house for a month.
Card saying that you made a charitable donation in their name
They don't have to know whether
you really made the donation or not.
Subscription to porn website
Most people are too embarrassed to
get this for themselves, so do it for
Rabbit Pearl Vibrator
Recommended by Jo Krack.
(Volume 15, Issue 5) 19 November 2002
Page Five
Amanda Beatty
Vanessa Kay
Rachael Sundin
Dan Anderson
An Orgy of Four
Mike aimlessly meandered down to
the Caf, his pride still stinging
over last night. Sarah had told
him that she wanted to go for coffee with
him, - which was a date, right? But when
he'd first gone to her floor looking for her,
she had been mysteriously absent. The
notes on his message board suggested that
she had been by, but the distinctly unfemi-
nine writing had raised niggling questions
in his mind about their authenticity. As the
night had worn on, he had grown more
and more frantic, finally succumbing to
hopelessness and the siren call of his roommate's beer.
Maybe I should get GPS, he brooded as he
headed up the stairs in the commonsblock.
Lost in offish thought, he barely even
noticed Eival Anthagoni as he passed by.
Eival was his house president, and Mike
could still feel the sting from when, at the
first house meeting, Eival had forced twenty dollars from each resident. "Yes," he
thought, "I really want to hit the ACF keg-
ger, and the Christmas party is going to
rock, but I didn't have twenty bucks to
spare. That money was supposed to go
towards my first term X-Men subscription.
I don't have money to throw away."
Eival called as Mike passed him, "Hey
Mikester! Don't forget the house barbeque
tomorrow. It's free - but if you bring beer,
make sure the advisors don't see you, ok
Mike muttered "yeah" and cringed at the
thought of being buddies with this goody-
Puffing only slightly from the quick stair
workout, he passed through the line quickly, his four orders of rice (strategically
piled) passing easily for three at the
cashier. He saw a gaggle of giggling girls at
a nearby table. Only one in their midst sat
silent, facing away, slightly hunched over
her huge salad - a lettuce special, with soy
sauce. William started to say something,
but before he could articulate his first
word, Mike realized that the sad girl was
Sarah, and leapt to his feet, knocking his
chair to the floor. She looked up, startled as
an afternoon faun, and Mike, fighting the
switchblade-toting butterflies in his stomach, rushed over.
"Whumph uh squinook ratoot" he blurted
out, forgetting everything in his haste to
find out what was wrong. Everything,
apparently, included his knowledge of the
English language. Sarah's forehead creased
with confusion and the pain of a brutal
hangover. (Evidently she too had been
drowning her sorrows the previous
evening.) A gleam of recognition finally lit
in her eyes and she pulled out a chair. "Did
you go to Math 100 today?"
"No," he replied, "I slept in as usual. I went
to the midterm though."
she asked, "the first or the sec-
How to Act Pleasant
on Christmas Day
Miyako Hewett
Very Amicable
Instead of: Aunt Bertha knit me a shitty
sweater again
Try saying: Thank you, Aunt Bertha, now
I'll be warm this winter
Instead of: Get that brat out of my face!
Instead of: What a shitty present!
Try saying: Cousin hasn't seen Grand-
Try saying: I never considered this for a          since last christmas
Instead of: I don't want to go to Mass
Instead of: That's disgusting, I don't want
Try saying: Let's stay at home and enjoy      Try saying. Fm not fond of mis
each other's company.
Instead of: Any more presents?
Instead of:    Turn off that damn music/
Bing Crosby Try sayin8: Has everybody opened all
their presents.
Try saying: I can't hear people talking
Instead of: I think
than me.
. got more presents
Try saying:
_ got lots of nice things
Instead of: This is the sixth that I've
Try  saying:  It's  great  that  everybody
knows what I like!
Instead of: That's my candy, you dumb
Instead of: I'm too old for this (bunny
pyjamas) Try saying: Trade you my jellybeans for
your chocolate.
Try saying: I feel young again.
"Oh," he,said. "I suppose the first. Why?"
"Well," she sighed woefully, "I'm in your
class, and I was hoping to get the notes for
today." She got up and drooped away,
clearly not having enjoyed her massive pile
of lettuce.
Two days later, he went to class. Admittedly, he got there late, but for Mike his
very presence was a minor miracle, akin to
getting stigmata without falling down the
stairs outside Koerner's pub. He stumbled
into a chair near the back and promptly fell
asleep. Some time later, he awoke groggily,
and through painfully sober beer goggles
saw two people a couple of rows down
chatting merrily and generally disregarding the professor. As he managed to get his
eyes to focus, their sharp laughter irked
him almost as much as the fact that he'd
woken up this early. Why, oh why, had he
signed up for a 10am class? His eyes narrowed malignantly as he brought his attention to bear.
"Oh god," he realized, ''that's her. . . and
that's Eival. Shit."
Somehow his suspiciously friendly house
president had sunk his claws into the girl
of Mike's dreams. The poor, innocent angel
(unless that really WAS her on Mike's computer desktop) was being seduced by personification of evil. No-one could possibly
be as insidiously nice as Eival seemed to
be. He was all the wrong things: perky at 8
o'clock in the morning, sleepy at night. He
was often asleep by the time South Park
rolled around, and he joyfully awoke at 7
am Saturdays to captain the house rugby
team. His res room was disgustingly
CLEAN! Mike knew, because you couldn't
walk past Eival's open door without being
greeted cheerily from behind the stack of
textbooks on his desk. It was clear that the
bastard couldn't be human. He had to be
the earthly personification of Beelzebub.
Mike stared at his nemesis hovering over
the object of his lust, and knew that he had
to save her. Dropping his head into his
hands, he put his bleary brain to work,
concocting a cunning plan.
zzzzzzz A petal-light touch brushed his
shoulder, and Mike jerked awake. A soft,
delicate hand rested on the arm of the
crumpled UBC sweatshirt he'd pulled out
of his room-mate's laundry hamper that
"Mike," Sarah smiled, her sweet voice
pure as 80 proof grain alcohol. "I'm so glad
you made it to class this morning. I managed to get a copy of the notes for the class
we missed Monday." She smiled over her
shoulder at Eival, obviously unaware of
the looming threat he presented. "This is
Yvahl. He lives in Vanier too, isn't that
great?" The way she pronounced the
cursed name, it sounded almost harmless.
Mike could hardly stand it. "He's got notes
for the week before, too. Do you want me
to photocopy them for you?"
Once again lost to the English language,
Mike stared mutely at the horribly mismatched duo who smiled sunnily down on
his clouded countenance. Finally he stood
and gathered his bag and stuffed Barney
toy. "We've met," he told Sarah coldly. "I
wouldn't trust his notes if they were the
last notes on earth." Turning on his heel, he
stalked from the room.
Kristin was a good
girl, a smart girl, a
nice girl. She got
good grades and
kept to herself.
Then she
Remember kids, science can hurt you
and your family. Don't do it. Really.
Write for us. Please
The Next Deadline is January 1st at 4:52pm. Page Six
19 November 2002
Never Piss off an Instructor
Kevin Nottle
Voice of Experience
Rather than continue with my "journals" I've decided to cut right to the
chase, and share some of the lessons
1 learnt during Basic with you. Don't
expect me to tell you how to operate the C7
rifle, or anything like that, I'm sticking to
the humorous and philosophical.
One of the weirder things I learnt was that
all the fancy weeding gear and chemicals
hardware stores try to sell you is a waste of
money. All you need to clear the weeds out
of any area are: gloves, knife, fork, and
spoon. Actually, the latter two aren't really
needed, just handy on occasion. It's actually amazing how good a de-weeding job
you can "do on a parking lot with only those
simple tools, and a lot of elbow grease.
And the feeling of perverse pride you feel
when you're told that you should stay in
the doghouse just so that the rest of the
base can be cleaned up as well is quite
As far as short term survival and comfort
go, the most important thing I learnt is to
never piss off an officer, or any of the other
instructors watching your every move.
They just have so many ways to make your
life miserable, it just isn't worth the
momentary pleasure of getting some captain's goat. You will regret it, after all, how
else do you think I learnt that a butter knife
is the only weeding tool you really need?
I learnt that competing in "Warrant
Games" is absolutely no fun. Moving
everything in your room to the room down
the hall is no fun, even if you had more
than an hour in which to do it in. Then
right afterwards, you've got an inspection.
Bend over boy, 'cause you've got a big one
coming in.
I've come to understand that drive is
essential, and may even be one of many
qualities that makes the CF so much better
than the US military. Showing drive is
when you go at your maximum sustainable pace, plus a bit more to make sure that
the job gets done as fast as possible without sacrificing quality. It means keeping up
this near breakneck pace even when you're
ahead of schedule, because taking it easy
just isn't acceptable. I saw the tail end of
the US army's "Best Ranger of the Year"
competition, and the winning team disgusted me. This officer and a sergeant were
taking it easy on the last leg of the race.
They'd gotten so far ahead of everyone else
that they only had to finish this final run,
so they dropped down into a lower gear. If
I'd tried anything like that at St. Jean I'd
have been reamed out good,-and to see-this
officer being so lax really bugged me.
I've come to hate the words "Room" and
"Course" when they're barked out loud,
because they activate a spinal reflex. Anyone who is training at St. Jean will instantly brace up to attention, and stop whatever
they were doing the instant someone yells
those words. It can be quite impressive
actually. You've got this room of Officer
Cadets sewing like mad and chatting at the
same time, when you hear this quiet
"room" and everyone freezes and sits up.
Teachers should have it so good.
Returning to the topic of not annoying
officers and instructors, I have to repeat
this story one of my instructors told us
about what happened once when he was
on the course that qualified him to be a
During an inspection, the warrant inspecting the barracks of another platoon found
a dead fly on a windowsill. It may have
only just died and fallen there, but it didn't
matter, it was there, and they were in trouble. They had to put this fly in a matchbox
and hold a military funeral for this member of the platoon that had tragically died
on course.
My instructor and the rest of his platoon
thought this was hilarious, and couldn't
stop themselves from cracking up. Big mistake. Their warrant caught them and said
"Think that's funny, we'll I'll have you
laughing out of the other side of your
So the tables were turned as this former
platoon of jokers found themselves on the
prowl for a dead fly. They then put it into a
coffin, changed into their dress uniforms,
and conducted a funeral with full military
honours, including rifle salute.
That must have been the most expensive
laugh any of them ever had.
Which brings me to my next lesson, there
is always someone who has it better or
worse than you. For example, one day your
platoon may have a review session on rope
bridges, while the platoon next to you is on
forced rest. (Forced rest is when you're
required to go to sleep, which usually happens out in the field when things get too
hot and humid.) The next morning, they
have to hike 1.5 kilometres first thing in the
morning with all of their platoons equipment before loading it on a truck, while
you get to enjoy breakfast watching stuff
drop off their packs as they hump it down
the road.
Probably the most important thing I learnt
was the value of teamwork. I'm not talking
about the sort of teamwork you get when
you're doing a group project, I'm talking
about when nothing is more important
than achieving the team's goals. There is no
room for self, or personal conflicts. Even if
you hate someone's guts, you'll still work
with them and do a damn good job. It
means pushing yourself, and those around
you just a bit further than you thought you
could, to make sure that someone else
doesn't get into trouble.
From my lofty position of four months in
the military, I have to say that how the concept of teamwork permeated the CF is one
of the biggest distinguishing characteristics between the military and the civilian
worlds. In movies and so forth, people
always say that there ;s no "I" in team in
order to get them thinking of someone
besides themselves first. In St. Jean, there
was no need to say that, because we all
knew it, and if you didn't, you shouldn't
have been there.
With the power of Science providing the
power to create inch-thick polyester fur, one
man was able to dress up in a. lab rat suit
and walk around campus at UBC. His story
is one that will never be forgotten. Despite
his legendary ability to give people "the
guns", he was laughed out of the Pit, the
Pendulum, the Gallery, Koerners, the
Cheeze, the Thunderbar, and even the Arts
Undergraduate lounge. His rampage finally
ended when he joined with the forces of the
Science Undergraduate Society, a group
sworn to protect all they hold dear: the right
to free speech, the right to free thought, and
the right to propogate the theory of
monotonically increasing entropy (given
forwards time flow). His name is Mike, and
we will not forget him.
"to 19 November 2002
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
Annes Song
VP Internal
Ho, Ho, Ho! Merrry Christmas! Yes,
that's right! Christmas, and New
year's parties are coming up! (and
of course exams will be over by then Yaa-
So if you're still looking for a very
"unique" gift for your siblings or friends,
first year and sales committees will be selling our NEW Science UBC t-shirts! For
more information email
fycsus@hotmail.com or our sales manager
Kate Potter at kjp@interchange.ubc.ca !
Academic Committee (AC) have met for
couple times in the first term. We've discussed about various scholarship programs for science students and possible
teaching excellence awards. The scholarships will be mainly based on student services and extra curricular activities. However, a student must pass all of his or her
current academic courses. We are also
planning to work with other science clubs
to develop Science Mentorship and Tutoring Programs. Sooo— if you would like to
get involved in organizing the scholarship
and mentorship programs, come to our
Academic Committee meetings! Everyone's welcome to join AC; it will be
biweekly and "informative". Questions?
Email moi at annesl202@hotmail.com
Good Luck on your Finals! AA*
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Well, this is my last exec report as
Director of Sports this year. I've
taken a coop position out of
province so unfortunately I will not be
around next term. As for rebates, they are
due on the 26th of November at 5pm in my
box in SUS with no exceptions. To receive
your rebates, hand in your receipt, your
team roster/and the name, phone number
and email address of the person that I am
to write the rebate to. Also, watch for term
two leagues' registration. You can register
for all term two leagues now, and the deadline for all leagues except ultimate and ball
hockey is Friday January 10th. The deadline for ball hockey and ultimate is Monday, November 13th. As for other events
coming up, there is the 3 on 3 Volleyball
Tournament in January as well as Globe-
fest that takes place Friday, November 22-
good luck to all teams in that. Well, it's my
time to sign off. Check out the next 432 for
my replacements contact information or
visit the website at www.ams.ubc.ca/sus.
The new Director of Sports will be appointed on Thursday November 21. Good luck
to you all next term and have a great holiday!
Chris Zappavigna
Ah yes, the last senator report before
Christmas. It seems silly to be writing about Christmas at this time of
year. The weather certainly isn't cold
enough; the rain definitely isn't snow and
we all still have final exams to write- Hardly a time to celebrate. At any rate, I wish
you all the best of luck on your exams and
a very merry, fun and safe Christmas
OK, enough formalities- let's get down to
business. The girlfriend comes home in
one month.
OK, now let's really get down to business.
The President's Advisory Committee for
the Search of a new Dean for our faculty
has finally had its first meeting. At this
point, I'd like everyone to contact me with
some names regarding possible candidates. In addition, I'd also like to stress that
at this point, my ability to communicate
information regarding this committee will
be at a maximum. From now on, the confidentiality of this committee will become
imperative. Thus, please contact me NOW
with names, ideas, questions and concerns.
Whoever replaces our previous Dean will
obviously have some large shoes to fill, as
Dean Klawe was the root of many pro-student initiatives within the Faculty of Science at UBC.
I am proud to sit on this committee and
Senate, representing YOU, the Science student.
Sameer Wahid
Public Relations
As some of you may have seen in
your classes, the Kiss the Pig campaign is underway! Kiss the Pig
raises money for the Canadian Gene Cure
Foundation, and we've got eight profs
competing to see whose class can raise the
most money. The prof whose classes raise
the most money has the honour of snogging the hog this Friday, Nov. 22 between
noon and 1pm on the SUB South Plaza. I
hope to see you all there!
^ssThe P/g
Come watch^^^Wour fM^urite
prof snog th^HPrt Kiss The Pigl!
Friday Nov. 22-12-1 pm
SUB South Plaza
All proceeds go to the Canadian Gene Cure Foundation
AMS Access
Dan Yokom
VP External
Non-Instructional Fee Increase
Due to the outrage of all the constituencies
the University has seen that the fee
increase to differed examinations is unjust
to students and thus will not increase this
fee. However, most of the other fees that I
told you about before are still on the rise,
so look out for that.
Health and Dental Plan
About 61% of UBC students are using the
plan and some are even signing up their
families. There were approximately $4.5
million in claims last year alone which
actually cost the company money. Down
with capitalism says the students. If you
don't know about this opportunity then
find out info from me or the AMS website
cause it's a good deal.
Clubs Package
For all of you looking to start up a club or
are trying to run one but don't have any
idea what to do with it, the AMS is coming
out with a package just for you. It will contain all the info you need for running a
bzzr garden, booking space in the SUB,
and more. So look out for that.
There is a huge meeting Wednesday night
so I'll have lots to tell you for next time.
Email me if you have any questions at
Dead Pool
Well, I see that the leading article
on the BBC News website on
Sunday stated that North Korea
has admitted to having nuclear weapons.
News like this makes old death's heart
glow with warmth ... or rather, the empty
space where my heart would be if I were
not a rotting skeleton. Oh well.
So, yet again, there is not much news to
report. The world's most likely candidates
to kick-off seem to be inexplicably remaining alive. No one has taken a shot at
George Bush, or Britney Spears. Hamid
Karzai seems to have fallen completely
below the media's radar, and the Pope
keeps on truckin'. Sooner or later, someone
is going to take that final rest. I'm sure of it.
I just don't know when.
Until then, keep on living, and remember:
Don't Fear the Reaper.
She Knows
A Visual Art Exhibition § Collaborative Performance Ritual
New mixed media figurative drawings $ collages
Visual Artist
Barbara Bickel
with collaborators
Monica Brammer, Leah Fisher, Lynn Hazelton, Nane" Jordan,
Sophia Marten £ Cathy Pulkinghorn
## -     Jfrsi"-***'-"'*'-4""
The transformation of hidden knowledge, drawn from the female body into visual
language, voice $ understanding, is the essence of this collaborative exploration.
Barbara Bickel is a Vancouver-based artist. Her exhibitions and performance ritual's have
intrigued and bewitched audiences for the past 12 years in W. Canada.
Exhibition Dates: December 1 - 7, 2002
Collaborative Performance Ritual: Friday, December 6 af 2pm
Artist Talk: Saturday, December 7 at 2prn
Gallery Hours: 10-4pm every day
(Artist in attendance each day)
A.M.S. Art Gallery
Student's Union Building, East Mat!
University of British Columbia
 For more information call 604 224 3384	 Page Eight
19 November 2002
Ben Warrington
Nof Quite Sane
On Wednesday, November 6th, I
decided to take a gander at the
GRE website. I don't know what
possessed me to do it as I had looked at the
website many times in the past few weeks,
and as I was extremely overworked that
week. I guess that I just wasn't ready to go
home and do homework yet, so I decided
to pay lip service to my Grad school applications which I had been pretending to
work on since September. Much to my surprise, I discovered that the Physics subject
test (or any subject test) is not a computer
based test like the general test. No, the subject tests are paper based and are only
offered certain times a year (once in
December, once in April, and at some locations only, once in November). Oops. Next,
I discovered that the deadline for registering to write the test on December 14 outside of the United States was November
1st. Oops.
Now. this test is kind of important for my
Grad school application. As it stands,
December 14 is pushing the deadline a bit.
Applications are due on January 15th,
though December 1st is recommended for
International students (which I would be
because the school in question is in the
States). The estimated time for reporting
marks is January 17th. Hmmm. Well, I
expect a lot of students will be in a similar
position, and as long as the rest of the
application is complete, I might be okay.
Knock on wood.
So now, I was left with two options. I
could try writing the test standby by just
showing up. If there were space and materials, I would be allowed to write. It sounded like a pretty good plan, and moreover, I
discovered on Thursday, the 7th of
November that the other test time available was Saturday the 9th of November
(pre-registering would have had to been
done in September). Writing it then would
solve the worry about application deadlines as well. One problem, the location
was listed as Simon Fraser University. That
is kind of a big place to wander around at
eight in the morning trying to find a test to
write. Okay, two problems, even if I figured out where the test was being written,
what if the standby didn't work?
This brings me to my second option. The
registration deadline for writing the test in
the States was Friday the 8th. If.I went with
the standby option, and it didn't work, I
would miss the deadline to write the test
on December 14th. On the other hand, if I
wanted to pre-register, I had to get my
passport renewed (or technically, get a new
passport; Canada doesn't renew them) as
apparently, that is all that the Educational
Testing Service (ETS) will accept as identification if you write the test outside the
country of your citizenship.
Alright, how the fuck do I decide?
I phoned the ETS head office in Princeton,
New Jersey, during the day, on Friday the
8th. Yes, a long distance phone call is a serious financial burden for me. First of all, I
asked where at SFU the test was being
written. Harbour Centre. Okay, still not
very specific, but I can probably figure it
out. She also told me that there were
indeed people registered for the Physics
test, so there was a chance that I would be
able to write it. However, the standby
works such that I could only write it if
someone didn't show. Apparently, they
don't send extra test books. While there is
always a possibility of someone not showing for one reason or another, I find it hard
to believe someone would blow off a test
that they paid US$150 (CAN$250) to write.
She also confirmed my fears that I
absolutely needed my passport as ID if I
were to go with the option to write the test
in the States. Actually, I suspect that Canadian ID would be good enough (it is good
enough for customs, afterall), but I am not
going to risk fucking myself over to the
tune of $250 and one year of Grad school
just because the woman I was talking to
didn't really understand my question.
Okay, now what?
The safest thing to do seemed to be writing the test on December 14th, in the
States. If I were to pre-register, I would be
guaranteed a seat for December 14th, and I
would just have to cross my fingers that
the marks would arrive soon enough that
the Grad school didn't just throw out my
application. For this option to work however, I needed to make sure that I could get
my passport in time. One month is kind of
short notice when one is dealing with
Off to the passport office website.
"Our goal is to get the passport completed
within 10 working days."
While I was not overjoyed by the words,
"Our goal," there were 24 working days
before December 14th, so I thought it was
worth a try. I tried to register. My computer crapped out. I came into school to use
the computer here. Okay, it worked. I put
down Bellingham as my first choice of
location to write the test. Seattle was the
second. Now, I get to wait and see what
This was all in the course of two days.
Actually, most of it was done on Friday,
November 8th, the deadline for registering
to write the test. Also the deadline for a
rather major assignment. In fact, I had had
at least one assignment, due everyday that
week. None of them were short. I got more
than half of them done. I didn't sleep much
that week. Then the GRE crap came. Is it
any wonder that I am not quite sane?
' So, now all I have to do is get my passport
application into the passport office today
or tomorrow. It is my understanding that
you can spend a day there waiting to get
up to the window. And, I only have 20
business days before the test. I am praying
to a lot of Gods right now.
You know, it zoasn't very long ago that Mr.
Martin was ranting about the GRE in this
very space. Same test, different problems.
Congratulations to Reka P., G. "I'm too scared to have my name in print" E., and Dan A. who painted the 432 logo
on the engineering cairn thus winning a shower of praise and four tickets to Cold Fusion on January 31.


Citation Scheme:


Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics



Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            async >
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:


Related Items