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Array VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE FOUR
16OKTOBER2001
In this issue:
Electional Dysfunction
Socks
and like so
Save the world, kill yourself.
■unknown
Science Undergrad Election Fixed
Now Unable to Reproduce
Vancouver (Reuters)
In a shocking turn of events, the Science
Undergrad Society election results of
2001-2002 appear to have been fixed,
leading to a delay in announcing the elections outcomes. Approximately 25 percent
of the votes were not counted, resulting in
the spoilage of 40 votes.
This is the fourth time in as many years
that election irregularities have ground the
undergraduate democratic process to a
screeching halt.
These abberations in the vote count
severely jeopardize the possible appointments of two candidates, Dan Anderson
and Greg Amos, both running for uncontested and generally useless positions.
"This is "horrible" exclaimed SUS President Reka Sztopa "This heinous crime is an
affront to the entire Society; those responsible must have the full light of justice
shone upon them!"
"Shined. Shonen. Whatever. You know
what I mean."
In response to President Sztopa's statement, the Society has approved the recommendation of the Undergraduate Action
Committe on Electoral Abuse and Human
Rights, and has passed a motion severely
curtailing Science student's rights and freedoms.
"These are tough times", said Vice Elec
tions Commisioner Ryan Morasiewicz
"and we have to take a tough stance on the
people who would flaunt these well-established rules. So, if we find them, we're
going to haul them off to Council, try them
for their crimes, and then cut off their
hands."
When questioned about the severity of the
proposed punishment, Morasiewicz
exclaimed "The exigencies of war and all
that. You can look it up. Punishment for
voting fraud is covered under the Geneva
Convention."
"Article 4, section b, subparagraph II, just
in case you were wondering."
With the hunt on for a suitable suspect, all
eyes, have, not surprisingly, turned to previous members of the Science electorate,
the SUSsieban.
"We've got some people in mind. Basically, our suspicions lie on some old hacks
who graduated in the last few years," said
SUS Secretary Corrie Baldwin. While she
declined to name names, a source close to
the Society (Corrie Baldwin) pinpointed
two people in particular, John Hallett and
Jay Garcia.
"Well, no shit," exclaimed nEUSpayper
Editor Dave Tsang, upon learning of the
announcement. "I can't speak for this 'Hallett' guy, but I wouldn't trust Garcia any
farther than I could pitch him into Main
Library Pond (approximaitely 6.25 feet at
THe fAKKJNG LOT IS f^LL
by   Jack   McLaren   and   Pat   Spacek
htt p: //www.p lit. c om
■■"" "\
my most recent estimation)."
Campus Electoral Security experts cite
recent laxities and laxatives in Science's
applications of the voting regulations as
the cause at the heart of the election fraud.
"Yeah, well, with all these new kids running
around and none of the old-timers about to
warn 'em, what can you expect" said Jo
McFettridge, ex-AMS Elections Commissioner. "Used to be, we had pictures of
these guys at all the polling booths, with
the words 'Do Not Let This Man Vote' in
big red letters beneath; but these days, no-
one knows who the hell Hallett was, let
alone Maftei, Boetzkes, and those others
jokers. I mean, Maftei alone was responsible for the Great Spoiled Ballot Disaster of
'96. They had to hold their by-elections
twice."
The human cost of these electoral results
have had far-reaching effects, severely
impacting the candidate's lives.
"Man, this situation just sucks", said an
candidate who declined to be named for
interview. "If they [the elections commi-
sion] had their shit together, I'd be set in
my sweet, sweet, student-appointed post,
livin' it up on Society cashola. Whistler
weekends, resume-stuffing titles, and the
ability to sneak budget line-items for other
'perks' through council. Dat's da life for
me!"
Massive overhauls in elections procedure
are expected to result from this misadventure. Propossed changes include: not leaving boxes unattended, purging the SUS
headquarters of unscrupulous personalities, having armed attendants at each
polling booth, and reinstating the 'pictures
of previous offenders' posters at the polling
stations. Oddly, having poll booth guards
with whiffle bats keeping the order has not
worked in the past, but officials are optimistic about the plan. "Plans are also in the
works to ensure that the students at the
university are taught 'right from wrong'
and that in the future their consciences will
kick in before they commit such horrible
crimes against democracy." said a statement from Martha Piper's office. Three
Iron Maidens have been purchased. A distraught Ms. Piper was unavailable for comment, as she was still attempting to deal
with the loss of her niave believe that all
UBC students were basically good.
The full impact of this elections fraud can
not yet be determined. Political analysts
and the public will be watching closely in
the next few weeks as the freshly elected
representatives and executive settle into
their new positions and the council begins
to deal with the day to day business of the
Science Undergraduate Society. Observers
will be vigilant, waiting to blame the first
mistake, fund irregularity or questionable
motion on a tainted elected body.
Yogic Flyers Fear For Lives
Stripped of his powers following the collapse of Ancient Egypt,
former God of Death Anubis is reduced to begging for Beef Treats.
(And if you think that's funny, wait and see
what fate has in store {oryour god.)
Laws are laws, even the law of
Ottawa (CP)
Today, terror is struck in the hearts of
the membership of the Canadian
Natural Law party, after a surprise
raid by US Army and intelligence officials
yesterday morning. The organization
which periodically runs for political power
in Canada believes that the worlds problems can be solved by yogic flying. The
group came under suspicion of terrorism
when the membership list was consulted
and a whole bunch of the names sounded
kinda terrorist like. "We have to act quickly to defeat evil" commented President
Bush who personally ordered the raids,
"We can't just have people learning to fly
all over the goddam nation!" When it was
pointed out to him that Canada is not actually a part of the United States, Bush giggled and rewarded the young journalist for
having lightened the mood. A moment
later, the president regained his composure and his "this is the hour of retribution
and justice" face, which was surgically
implanted last tuesday by noted plastic
surgeon Barney Glotz.
"If these people can fly, what's to stop
them from dropping bombs while they're
up there?' asked Bob Mackenzie at an anti-
gravity, say officials.
flight rally yesterday.
An unnamed member of the group, currently in hiding, expressed worry not over
being caught but rather at the potential
danger of travelling through the astral
planes. "After all," she said, "The last thing
you want to happen is a hijacking when
you're having an out of body experience.
Who knows what could happen when
you're that high?"
A spokesperson from the now incarcerated executive of the group released a statement to reporters late in the evening after
the surprise raid and subsequent assault.
"Our objective was to make this world a
happy peaceful place", it read. "Man cannot shoot man while contorted into optimal yoga flying position, man can only
jump and fly to raise man's spirits, and
quality of life. If only the US government
could see the power and wisdom of our
ways, the world would be happy and full of
love"
The US judicial system is expected to
come down hard on the group, as a continuation of it's war on terrorism and even-
thing else that threatens 'the American
Way' and Wal-Mart specials. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
16Oktober2001
Volume Fifteen
Issue Four
16 October 2001
Master
Dan Anderson
josander@interchange.ubc.ca
Mistress
Lana Rupp
lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca
Guest of Honour
Jay Garcia
Lordes and Ladies
Lana Rupp
Ben Warrington
Sister Death
Paula Maylin
Andy Martin
Albert Chen
Miyako Hewett
Lady in Leather
The Election Demon
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
This issue of The 432 may contain
content that may not be suitable for
all veiwers. Veiwer discretion is
advised. Also, if you should read
this and find it offensive: Please,
please write us and let us know
exactly how you feel. Don't leave a
thing out because we appreciate
fan/hate feedback.
Contact us at: the432@hotmai7.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. No animals,
plants or small children were
harmed in the making of this issue
but many questional substances
may or may not have been consumed. Writers and cartoonists are
encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must
meet the requirements of making
the editor chuckle thrice, and contain the author's name and contact
information.
Random Rants and Such
Ben Warrington
Getting Old
Quarter Life Crisis
I am sitting at home in the dark, all by
myself, pondering my life. Many of my
friends are suffering from what is beginning to be termed the quarter life crisis.
They don't know what they want to do with
their lives, so they are sitting around doing
nothing. Speaking of which, I haven't seen
some of them for a while; maybe it is time
for a road trip. Anyway, I don't know what
the hell I'm doing with my life either. Who
cares? I'm having fun. I'll putz around for a
while and we'll see what happens.
Convocation
My brother is graduating, finally, after six
years. I'm sure he'd love me for printing
this, but he actually got a letter giving him
a Dean's vacation when he only had one
course left to complete. He talked his way
back into being allowed to take the course,
but they told him he needed at least a five
(out of nine) in order to stay in university.
A four is a pass. So, if he had gotten a four,
he would have graduated and been kicked
out at the same time? You can have your
degree, but don't come back.
Stupid Union?
The University of Calgary's Student Union
has put up huge posters with the words,
"Did you know that the US spends more
money on post-secondary education than
Canada?" Yeah, probably, but they have ten
times the population as Canada. How do
they do per capita? The real winner is their
smaller poster which also includes a graph
with a blue line and a red line. Both lines
start at ioo%. The US's line goes up over
time while the Canadian line goes down.
That's it. They didn't actually bother to
mention what they were graphing.
POETS
I don't know what POETS stands for, but it
is the start of quite a good tradition as it
involves drinking beer with astronomy
graduate students and post-docs most Fridays after work.
Anthrax
Anthrax seems to be popping up all over
the United States. Officials continuously
insist that there is no link between the
cases or with the events of September n.
After all, anthrax is mailed around the US
all of the time. While it probably wasn't the
same individuals as September n—last I
checked they were dead, it seems to me
that there can be little doubt of a connection. Ironically, while anthrax is always the
disease that gets mentioned whenever a
television special is done about biological
warfare or bio-terrorism, it isn't a particularly good choice for a biological weapon. It
is true that it is one of the easiest diseases
to get your hands on, and it is very deadly
once you are infected, but it is not very easy
to contract. Most forms of the disease are
not airborne, so it is not very contagious.
Even if you are exposed, you don't always
develop the disease, at least not immediately, as has been demonstrated by the
three people in the States who have been
exposed but have not developed anthrax.
What's more, a vaccine exists, and anthrax
can be treated quite effectively with antibiotics if it is caught early.
Paradigm
I suppose I should put in a plug for the
Paradigm. This magazine is currently put
out twice a year. It is your chance to get
your serious scientific research published
as an undergraduate. The deadline will be
Wednesday, October 31, but please feel free
to send in your submissions early. To make
a submission or for more information,
please email me at benjawar@inter-
change.ubc.ca.
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*7o &a$mct antccte&, on, fan mone ittfrnmatcoa, contact
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It's That Time Again
Lana Rupp
Perenially pissed off
I've been thinking about complaining..
Not about actually physically doing it
but rather about the idea of complaining itself, because damn, we sure do a lot of
complaining. Have you ever noticed how
often people bitch about things: "Oh my
aching back" , "My knee's telling me it's
going to rain", "I hate life", "I hate
women/men", "I hate Arts", "this hamburger isn't cooked", "little Jimmy stole my
eraser and ate it again", "My thighs are too
big", "my nostril hair makes me unappealing to men", "my computer sucks", "your
mom wasn't satisfying last night" and so
on... I mean I'm just as guilty of saying
these things but you've got to wonder just
how happy people can possibly be if things
are bothering them this damned much. The
truth is that we all complain to make ourselves feel better. It's a bizarre form of therapy to let other people know just how
painful it really is to be you. The best feeling is when others are sorry for you. Well,
yeah sucks to be you, all of you! Feel better?
Oh yeah that was gooooooood....
We here at UBC have a special strain of
complaint: The midterm whine. The people
I live with have a rather vulgar term for
failing or doing poorly on tests: being
raped up the ass (or simply 'raped' for
short). We even have a character name for
the 'man' who does the raping. We call him
Bif. Bif has violated me recently, bent me
over as soon as I walked in the classroom
and didn't relent for a full hour. Actually, I
think this has happened repeatedly to me
in the last week but I'm just too numb to
remember. The next time you feel down
about a midterm, take comfort in knowing
that I've been there and yes I feel your pain,
but honestly, the next Arts student to
whine about anything school related will
have me waiting for them in a dark alley.
I guess what I'm getting at is: Good luck
on your remaining midterms and remember kids, Lana says, "don't do drugs".
And also: I hate school, cafeteria food is
yucky, I want action... whimper.
LETTER TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD
Dear Translink, Fuck you!
In a moment of seriousness I would like to
stray away from my usual hurtful comments about Artsies and tell you about
something that seriously bothers me.
Recently, Translink, that wonderful orga
nization that brought us the great Transit
Strike of 2001, has decided that serious
cutbacks in service would be a great idea.
The big problem I have with this is that the
new 'improved' Translink system will no
longer be running after 1:45 am anywhere
Hmmm... now explain this to me: How are
most people going to get home from the
pubs? That's right, give the drunks their
keys. A taxi is expensive and after a night
of drinking, not always an option and let's
face it., in the real world there isn't always
that benevolent friend waiting while you
drink, so that you can puke on their uphol
stery on the way home.
I would like to be noted as in opposition
to this idea. You would think that a group
that provided no service for so many
months and pissed off so many people in
the process wouldn't be so blatant about
further screwing us. Problems will arise
and I will be there with an 'I told you so'.
Yours oh so truly,
Lana Rupp
Come out and join us at one of the biggest events in Rits House;
RITSUMEIKAN-UBC OPEN HOUSE!
Date:       Friday, October 19th
Time:       10:00am - 3:00pm
Location: Ritsumeikan-UBC House
(6460 Agronomy Road, just on the east of Totem Park Rez)
In Rits Open House we have:
* Sushi and Udon, among many other real Japanese foods, will be
cooked and served under the direction of Japanese exchange students
from Ritsumeikan University.
* Traditional Japanese Games such asTakeuma" (walking on bamboo stilts) and "Koma-mawashi" (spinning a wooden top) will be available
for you to try out.
* Displays of Japanese and non-Japanese cultural items (such as
clothes, plates and coins from different cultures)
* Activities such as Sumo-wrestling tournament, and Rice Cake Cooking contest, for you to try out and participate in.
* Performances of both classical and contemporary Japanese dances,
a band performance, and much more...
We'd love to see you come out to and take part in the Open House
and
have a great, fun-filled time with us.:)
If you have any questions/concerns regarding the Open House event,
please address them to Kohei Yamazaki, Rits House Social Coordinator,
atkohei@canada.com. 16Oktober2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Stinky Herbal-Scope
Albert Chen
Illegal Canadian Mien
True God (a.k.a. my new sponsor) has
spoken. Since now marijuana has
been partially legalized, and since not
all herbs are appealing as marijuana sub-
stitudes, the Smokeable Herbal Associates
and Members (SHAM) has decided to run a
futile campaign to increase the consumption of smokeable herbs. (Actually, what
they REALLY want to do is to get really
cheap booze and bill them as "office supplies"...vodka, anyone?)
After witnessing the successful birthstone
campaign/crap initiated by the International Gemstone Association (IGA - no pun
intended), SHAM will adopt a similar strategy...only a step further. It seems that all
zodiac signs, names such as Aries or Libra,
will be replaced by the names of smokable
herbs so people can't go through their daily
lives without talking about herbs...since I
am the best astrologer in SUS (well, since I
am the only one...), I get paid for being a
sell-out. Anyway, here it is: your bi-weekly
crappy herbal-scope!
Oregano (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
(If you are as confused as I am, don't be
lazy - read the introduction!) It's midterm
season again. If you are unlucky as I am,
you might have a number of midterms at
this point in time. Although I would like to
predict that you will have excellent grades,
I can't deny the fact that all that partying
WON'T make you smarter, so your grades
may have to deflate a bit (just like our
crummy economy). Still, I am also reluctant to say that you will fail, since I can't
afford to lose my valuable readership...so
do what you can for now and we will see
what happens next. Seriously, nobody on
campus can force you to do anything better
than your best. (Other than our editors-
absolute worship is a must...)
Your lucky pin should read: Queen of the
universe.
Mint (Apr 20 - May 20)
(If you haven't read the introduction, I will
cast an evil spell on you...if you have read
the introduction, may true God bless you.)
Your chart has so many interesting planetary positions. Venus is in your house of
romance this week, so expect plenty of fire
and spark, and if you prefer to stay single,
bring a fire extinguisher with you at all
times. However, Mars in house of death
may also act out its power, which means
that you may stay single for a while...I don't
know, it's too confusing for me! What do
you want from me anyway? I think I will go
fly a kite in this case. Hell, go and have a
mint cigarette; you will know what's going
on when you get high. Believe me, if you
can get high out of this crappy stuff, I can
get my tuition back from those evil midgets
who work for UBC.
Your lucky pin should read: Sarcasm is
just one more free service we offer.
Dill (May 21 - Jun 21)
(Confused? Please read the introduction
before reading your forecast.) Expect a joy
ride: this month should be smooth sailing
for you, considering the fact that you have
stayed relatively sober in the last few
weeks. You may also find that UBC is a
place where you can win by default. A LOT
more people have to care about what the
hell is going on before people stop winning
in such strange fashion. (Yes, kudos to people who have done a lot of great things, but
really, not enough people care about anything at this point...anyway, I digress...) As
I love to say, if you do well at UBC, you will
fail anywhere else. Really, this is a mad,
mad place. I am really depressed...I will
now go smoke my dill...
Your lucky pin should read: Voted most
likely to eat my young.
Ginger (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
(I don't know what the hell is going on.
Still, if you still don't know what the hell is
going on, please read the introduction.
Believe me, you need your brain cells under
such desperate conditions.) Be careful with
feminists - your English may be too good
for them. What they really need is not great
English but gender-correct English. Don't
say seminar: such "vulgar" word has connotations of male-dominated mentality
and causes possible reference to semen, so
no. Please, use OVULAR instead. Oh, I
shouldn't say mentality - it's womantality!
Still, I don't know if all this careful neutering can do any good, since there are so
many female-oriented words that have the
exact same problem: MENstruation,
MENopause, MANual...man, should my
sister's best friend start referring herself as
"Womandy" instead of "Mandy"? Still, I
share those...intelligent...women's concerns, so we men really should adjust our
mentality in order to please those equality-
oriented woMEN...let's have a seminar on
that...
Your lucky pin should read: I barely survived yesterday and it's already today.
Chamomile (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
(Still looking for your sign? Confused?
Read the introductions then. Still wondering what the hell is going on after reading
the introduction? Well, I can't help intellectually challenged people...) Everything
will be fine, except that you may be abducted by aliens and people might mistake you
for a public urinal... your luck should also
be fine, except that people will want to borrow money from you so they can buy porn,
and UBC will pass laws which require
Chamomiles to pay 20% more tax on food
and deodorant... seriously, being lucky or
not is relative. I have simply compared you
with all the hungry people in Ethiopia.
Heck, by that standard, everyone in Canada is lucky (just about, but not quite-ed).
Your lucky pin should read: I surf the real
world because I am too damned poor to
surf the net.
Fennel (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
(No, hard drinking doesn't do funny
things to your brain. There is a very good
reason why the name of your sign has been
replaced by a smokable herb. Please read
the introduction if you are unfamiliar with
the concept.) Ever wondering why
astrologers didn't release the important
forecast that predicts the horrible event of
September 11, 2001? Really, while we
astrologers want to get fame and filthy rich,
we prefer not to be labelled as "lunatics."
Seriously, grab a Bible and read what happened to all the prophets before their
seemingly strange prophecies came true -
some were called "nuts", some got spat at,
and some got crucified! Yikes. We
astrologers have smarten up long since: we
just wait until something terrible happens,
fake some oracles, and make the media
into thinking that we have seen it coming
all along. Really, we get more money by
saying, "I told you so" in front of national
television and millions of stupid viewers
like you...
Your lucky pin should read: Yes, I am the
centre of universe.
Juniper (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
(Dear readers: We are facing temporary
corruption right now. Please have your seat
belt fastened and read the introduction
while I count my money...) stop being a
selfish person: you should pay more attention to ME! I should be the most important
person in the world, for I control your destiny, good or bad. Bribes are a must and
gifts are a plus. All sexual favours and all
forms of erotic self-realization are widely
encouraged. Heck, I can even throw in a
rubber duck or two if you are really nice to
me and rub me the right way (no pun
intended). Boys and men need not apply.
Your forecast? What forecast? I need to see
some dough first...
Your lucky pin should read: I can only
please one person a day. Today isn't your
day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good.
Don't even think about the day after tomorrow.
Basil (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
(No, this is not a joke. Please read the
introduction if you don't know what the
hell is going on.) Some of you want me to
give you predictions, here it is. In the next
few weeks you will see something something and encounter something something.
You might like something something but
hate something something. You may need
something something but want to get rid of
something something. However, you may
not get what you want because someone
someone will be in the way. Gee, my crystal
ball is getting really foggy right now. All I
can see is somewhere something will happen to you. Go figure. Here, I've done it.
Try it on for size.
Your lucky pin should read: Been
nowhere, done nothing.
Coriander (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
(If you are still wondering what is going
on, please read the introduction so you
know how I got bribed. If you are wondering if there are other ways that I could be
bribed and/or if you want to bribe me,
please contact me. I will shamelessly
return your call: I'm open 24/7...) Man,
this is a scary spice. Smoke this and you
will smell like fish. Well, due to the power
of media, this is what you get. Heck, I am
a... Coriander... and I have never liked any
of the stuff that people said that I am supposed to like. So what are you worrying
about? Do some other things then. Do I
care? Nay, I'll pass.
Your lucky pin should read: Damn right,
it's all about me.
Cumin (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
(Although I would like to proclaim that
you are brain dead, there is a simple antidote - read the introduction! It won't make
you smarter, but it shall be a great start...)
Watch what you say next week, as your verbal skill shall be diminished. Take cumin
cigarettes, for instance. You might say that
you are smoking human when you mean
cumin. Really, I can see my old Cumin
friend (since I have only one) say that after
10 years of fruitless attempts, she and her
husband are ready for artificial URINATION and have a baby of their own. Really,
I'd rather her say artificial insemination,
for I don't think she and her husband can
survive for the last decade if they haven't
peed all those years. Still, never say never;
she could say artificial urination and actually mean it... (odd, I've been cumin for a
while now, reasonably regularly, but I
never wanted a cigarette afterwards, -ed)
Your lucky pin should read: I pretend to
work, the 432 pretends to pay me.
Marshmallow (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
(Read the introduction faithfully. This
introduction will change your life - so read
the introduction again if you want true God
to save your soul.) So the heavy workload
gets on your nerves. Great, this is a pefect
time to have sex! (Actually, anytime is a
great time to have sex...) Really, sexual
intercourse releases serotonin and makes
people actually look forward to living their
lives so they can have more sex. If you don't
believe me, consider yourself as a great
supporting statement of my seemingly stupid argument. When were you born? (I
hope you know this at this point...) Count
nine months backward, and you would figure when your parents had tasted the forbidden passion fruit and conceived you...it
was around this time, wasn't it? 'Nuf said.
Your lucky pin should read: I used to care;
now I take a jagged little pill for that.
Rose Hips (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
(If you don't want to know what is going
on, please don't read the introduction and
don't read this blurb. Hell, don't read anything...) (literacy is for the weak -ed) Of all
the herbs listed in this column, this is by far
the hardest herb to inhale, for the hips are
too hard to roll with cigarette papers. However, SHAM is trying very hard to genetically modify this herb so there will be cigarette-shaped rose hips that will be readily
available to anyone who wants to smoke.
By the way, SHAM is also busy developing
tomacco, a combination of tomato and
tobacco that will get people addicted by
taking one innocent bite. Tomacco will be
great for sandwiches, tomacco juice, and
other interesting but yucky foods. Both
crops will be available by the time I drop
dead. If you want your rose hip cigarettes
and tomaccos soon, put my name down on
your Death Pool entry list.
Your lucky pin should read: Therapy has
taught me that it's all your fault.
PSA Bzzr Gordon
October 19
Buch A200       4:30 - 8:30
Mawtinis!
Free analysis with every bzzr! Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
16Oktober2001
Deadpool VI
Sister Death
lovely lovely white lips
The 432's Deadpool VI is now officially up
and running with our six (count 'em, 6)
entries. A few fewer than previous years, as
I'm sure some of you are thinking it's in
bad taste to joke about death so soon after
such and such (September 11th for the subtlety-impaired - ed.). If you're one of those,
please remember that laughter is good for
the soul and life is much more fun if you
just relax and (while not waiting to die)
wait for the fun to come to you.
Our brand new contestants for this year
are: the ubiquitous Frenchy, Mark Fraser,
Travis Beals, Nick Coffey, Michael Choi,
Charlotte Dunford and Albert Chen. Wait,
that's seven entries. Ok, seven, count 'em, 7
entries. If you know you have entered the
pool by either emailing us (dead-
pool_432@hotmail.com) or in our office
(Klinck 202) and your name is not on the
list, it's the Room Manager's fault so send
your list to us again. If it's your first time,
and you're into that sort of thing, we can
take your dead pool cherry only if you send
us your entry soon. Come on, all the cool
kids are doing it. And everyone knows peer
pressure is only valid when smoking
behind the gym at recess or having unsafe
sex in the bar washroom at 2am on a Saturday night, so take all I say with a few
grains of salt.
As the whole world is in a similar state of
mind these days, the lists all look rather
similar. Guess who is the top of most lists?
You guessed, Osama Bin Laden! George
Dubya is also pretty high on some of the
lists, as is Yasser Arafat. Perennial
favourites, the Queen Mum and Pope John
Paul II, are mentioned frequently. Strom
Thurmond, the 99 year old senator from
South Carolina, has had a recent bout in
the hospital and may be soon on his way
out to the great beyond, and might give
points to the two people who have him listed (Anyone who starts a Strom Thurmond
fan club this year gets some free drink tickets for Cold Fusion in January).
My personal favourite list has on it 98
Degrees, the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync.
While I'm not a huge fan of their collective
works, I'd be willing to bet it would be hard
to knock them all off in one fell swoop as
they seldom have sleepovers, no matter
what the pre-teen fashion-and-fame magazines say.fDamn you cruel cruel death,
first you take fluffy, now my hopes and
naughty, naughty dreams!! DAMN YOU! -
ed)
Thanks for playing along again, kids, and
keep your eyes on this section. Celebrity
death has always been a gossip high point
for human societies, ever since the Lord
rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone
and fire from the Lord out of heaven (Genesis 19:24). Ifs quite possible that no one
will die this year, but how often does that
happen, especially with most of the countries on the planet already digging the
long-range missiles out of mothballs.
Well, eat hearty and don't fear the Reaper.
Dead Pool VI
Entry Sheet
Your name:
Your e-mail addressL
Your phone number:_
Your entries:
Attendance
Factor O
Paula Maylin
Grade A++ Meat
An extensive study has revealed that
there is a calculable way to determine the attendance of any given lab
or tutorial section. (I knew I should be
signing up for some of those studies! —ed)
Surprisingly enough, any student, when
confronted by this theorem, replies with a
resounding "well duh!" - apparently this is
a phenomenon that should have been
observed ages ago.
The theory behind attendance factor O is
very simple. First of all, you need to understand what the <£ stands for: fuck. Yes, this
is the fuck factor. From here on, the reasoning for 2oish-year-olds* going or not
going to their labs makes perfect sense. (I
can see the engineers trying to calculate
the perfect 0 equasion now... all those late
nights in the lab will finally pay off! —ed)
Part one: the night before.
The night before the day of a lab is critical.
If the student in question got some, they
should be relaxed and happy enough that
the minor discomfort of going to the lab
shouldn't be too bad. (Hah! A flaw in the
theorem! Sometimes you're too sore to
walk nomrally the next day! —ed) However, they might have been at it all night, in
which case they 1) wouldn't have done the
prelab, and 2) are too tired to go. The student may also have been drinking, which
would probably be due to either the inability to get any, or in the hopes that the cutie
on the other side of the Pit/bar/club will
get drunk enough to take you home and
give you some. (Gimme some sugar, baby!
—ed) If this is the case, then there is also
the hangover to be taken into account. This
is directly proportional to a) the amount of
alcohol consumed and b) how early the lab
is, and inversely proportional to the time in
which the alcohol was consumed.
Part two: the TA.
The TA is a very important factor. Granted, you might not be inclined to go to a lab
run by an incompetent TA, but this isn't the
important part. Ifs the cuteness of the TA
that's important. Face it, if you've got a hot-
tie for a TA, you're MUCH more likely to go
to the lab. Granted, you might not do well
if all you're doing is drooling, but then if
you can get them interested in you, you'll
probably be able to swing a few bonus
marks your way. (There's probably some
rule somewhere against that, but don't
worry about it; if the TA's willing to give
you bonus marks, do whatever you have
to...) ahem, yes...
Part three: the night of.
Chances are, if the student in question
didn't get any the night before the lab,
they're more likely to try and get some the
night of the lab. Which means they are
more likely to skip the lab in preparation,
because they have to pay more attention
than the previous night to hygiene, appearance, etc., since obviously what they did
the night before didn't work...
*please note: this is the way to determine
the attendance of regular students. This
does not take into account the weirdness of
keeners.
Wow. I need to become a TA. And get
cute, too, I guess. Ah, well.
-ed
PENNY-A-BZZR
hosted by BIOSOC
f        APMISSON:
^  $3 FOR MEMBERS
m-
U
$5 FOR NON-MEMBERS
Oct 26, V:33 PM
Biology 2W9
Erotic Haiku Contest/
,   Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail
to deadpool_432 @hotmail.com
Submit your erotic haiku's to the432@hotmail.com before
4:32 PM, October 18th. We'll pick and publish the best
of the bunch, and the writer of the number one haiku gets
two tickets to COLD FUSION, the Science Undergrad
Society's premiere party in January!
We'll be judging the haiku's based on originality, humour,
and how hot and bothered that it gets our editrix.
t(/e wmbs pw cofoer
i iwmt p/tr l\j\^ (;ot; man-meat
i(e up closer 16Oktober2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Be Vewy Vewy Quiet
- I'm Hunting Men!
Lady in Leather
Hot hot HOT!
For the first time, I went clubbing this
summer. Seriously clubbing. With
friends, but single. And the best part
about being single and seriously clubbing
is the picking up...
Picking up is fun. It's the ultimate ego
boost. (No, having the population of the
world be your minions is the ultimate ego
boost. Picking up is second, -ed) You get
lots of attention. Guys buy you drinks
(always go with male friends to the bar
though... you never know what's out there).
And ifs an expression of power. To be able
to tell someone with a glance that
they're not good enough looking
even to dance with.„ that's
power. (I thought power
was force times velocity
times time. My mommy
said so. She also said
that handcuffs have
nothing to do with
power. Go figure, -ed)
Hints to pick up? Number one: pick a persona
and dress to kill. Mine for
the summer ranged from
catholic schoolgirl (white shirt,
short kilt and pigtails) to "death's mistress" (leather pants and black halter-top
with chain belt) to snob (hair done up,
sequined sleeveless top, tight black pants).
And whatever you do, don't drop your
character. Dropping your character confuses guys, and when they're confused they get
difficult to manipulate... I mean encourage...
Wear clothes that suit your body type.
Essentially, if you've got it, flaunt it. Make
sure you wear heels high enough to show
off your legs, and move those hips baby!
(So, does this advice apply to both sexes? I
haven't had much success with sneakers or
skate shoes yet. -ed) And trust me, it's
soooo much easier to do the hip movements needed in the cha-cha if you've got
heels on. And if you've got' a few more
curves than some, well, honestly, do what
you can to diminish some ones and emphasize the others. Tight clothes (eg spandex
etc) are a privilege, not a right. And do your
makeup right. Emphasize EITHER your
lips OR your eyes - if you try to do both you
WILL end up looking like Mimi from Drew
Carey-
Guys sometimes need a kick in the pants
to get their attention. (DON'T even THINK
about kicking us there! EVER! -ed) A good
way to do this is to walk very close to them,
and openly check them out. Make sure you
start and end by looking them directly in
the eyes. And then keep walking. When
you're out of reach, turn and make eye contact again. Smile, but smile in persona.
Don't do a coy smile if you're dressed like a
devil.
The last thing, though I hate to
admit it, is to go clubbing with
someone who's either not as
into hunting or just simply
not as good looking as you
are. If you are with a friend,
you will be compared. So if
you're looking to pick up,
don't go with another friend
looking to do the same, cuz
unless you find a pair of guys
that are there (straight and single), one of you is going to be singled out. And that's not fair on the
other one. (or, both guys could go for the
same girl... but I guess that's for a different article, -ed)
Well, enough for now. Call us huntresses,
call us cougars, but definitely call us on the
lookout. I hate to give away my tricks of the
trade, but hey, there are a lot of men out
there... you go girls!
Next issue, we will have an article from
our most learned male pick-up artist.
Tips included will vary from simple ones
like "stay awake" to the slightly more difficult "brush your teeth", "shave", and
"shower", to classic standbys like "wear
'      clothes" and "don't wear your sister's
clothes", before finally reaching the more
advanced "don't puke on the girl". Hey,
he's working on it, all right?
-ed
From the people that brought
you Pope on a Rope (tm) and
Pontiff on a Stick (tm)
comes...
LAYS   frnoCfOffif
Cotton and Wool
Miyako Hewett
Out Of Her Sock
Socks are great. When worn, they
warm your feet, when filled with a
potato, they act as a good beating
device, and when you're bored then can
become your sock puppet entertainer. "Hey
baby, you're hot, wanna go for a tumble in
the dryer?" But apparently, we are not the
only ones that enjoy them. It has been
known for generations that socks go missing in the dryer, (erm, haven't clothes dryers only been around since the 50s or so? -
ed) Recently, I have had the pleasure of losing three pairs of socks! Three pairs at a
time! I'm sure you are all familiar with the
routine. Half way through the week, the
day that you are late out of the shower, you
frantically go through your basket of clean
unfolded laundry to only find that there are
no socks. But, there should be. You look in
the washer and the dryer; perhaps there
are a few stuck to the sides. No socks. You
check around the vicinity of the machines.
Again, no socks. Where the fuck did the
socks go? This question has been puzzling
people of all backgrounds for generations.
So, I present to you my theories.
There exists a quantum sock hole. Either it
is set up by the Maytag men, or by the all
mighty aliens. *Zap* I mean, um, there are
no aliens, ya. You see, the Maytag men are
evil, they install this device into the dryers
and in a dark, hidden factory they collect
the world's socks. They also collect the odd
pair of underwear. Then they sell it for a
profit. They're set, profit from machines
and profit from clothes. Now, they steal
through dryers, but soon they'll expand
into dishwashers, fridges and bread makers. Don't be surprised when sometime in
the future, a chain of Maytag department
stores pops up. Ifs all a dirty scheme. The
Maytag men are after us.
Okay, now that my head is wrapped in aluminum foil, I can tell you about the aliens.
(But, I thought there were no aliens? You
mean they're real? *ZAP* uh, I mean,
right... no aliens. Where'd you leave that
roll? -ed) They're after universe-wide domination, and they need our socks. So what
have they created? The mother of all quantum sock holes. (I had one of those in the
heel of my favorite pair of wool socks. So
big I couldn't even darn it shut! -ed)
Installed in every dryer across the universe, they are able to relocate our beloved
feet warmers, billions and billions of light
years away from our reach. Mean! Just
plain mean! The aliens are after us. (I've
been saying that for years! -ed)
Improbable, you say. Well, might I offer
alternate explanations? (I suppose you
might -ed) For those of you that believe in
artificial intelligence, perhaps socks are the
ultimate food source for dryers, providing
energy that one day, may lead to the synchronized metamorphosis of giant Dryer
monsters. Then, they will eat us all. The
dryers are after us.
Over and over again, I hear " Where there
is water, there is life." In fact, exobiologists
are looking for life on Mars. They also look
to the Galilean Moons ( namely, Europa
and Ganymede which are presumed to
have seas). If and when they find water, the
hope is to find life. But, back to the dryers.
In a dryer there is moisture, heat and circulated air, places to hide (either within the
metal, or in the holes) and a food source,
socks. This is a suitable habitat. Perhaps,
some sort of microorganism lives in the
dryer. But sometimes we can go through
several loads without loosing a sock. This
can be explained. Perhaps, this microorganism has dormant periods, and awakens
once in a while for a mass feeding. This
would explain why I lost three pairs of
socks at once. The microorganisms are
after us.
Here is what I recommend. We must combat this problem. It is now or never. Who
knows what this may lead to? Groups have
taken a stand against such issues as global
warming, human mistreatment, and baby
seal clubbing. We must now include sock-
napping. This is a serious issue folks, lets
deal with it before it is too late.
Give me back my socks, you bastards!
Tell you what, Miyako. While the rest of
us are slaves to the Aliens, the Intelligent
Dryers, and the Micro-Organisms, you
fight for our freedom. One day, there will
be a huge statue of you somewhere, with
a plaque: "Here lies a woman who incessantly fought to emancipate us from our
sock puppet masters", —ed
STER CONTEST
Share Your Vision of Inclusivity
Design a poster showing your vision of inclusivity
and/or global harmony. Ail submissions are due by
Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
1st prize $1000.00
2nd prize $500.00
3rd prize $250.00
People's Choice $250.00
For information and contest rules, please visit our web
site at http://www.c)eocities.a>rn/inclusMty/index.htrni
or drop by the UBC Equity Office, Brock Hail 2306,
604-822-2153. Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
16Oktober2001
How To Rule The Multiverse
or
How I Intend to Become the Supreme Master of the World
Cafe Ben Warrington
Too Lazy to Care
The first thing a person need's in any
endeavour, whether it is to start a
small business or to take over the
world, is financing. There are several
options for a wannabe dictator: bank robbery, for instance. The problem with this
option, of course, is that I don't control the
police until I take over the world, so it is a
bit of a risky place to start. Other options
include acquiring charitable status. Given
recent events, however, it is going to be a
lot more difficult to obtain this for an organization whose sole purpose is to overthrow existing governments, even in Canada. This means no tax breaks or charitable
donations, I suppose. Stock market speculation is probably the way to go. It is dangerous, but with the current volatility in
the stock market, stocks prices have even
less to do with the value of their companies
than they usually do, and so, opportunity
for a quick profit is greater than usual. Of
course, I would only gamble with a portion
of my money, and I would quickly turn the
profits over to other, safer investments.
The next step, once I start to make my fortune, is to determine the best uses for that
money to further my goal of overlordship.
Airline stock is at bargain basement prices
at the moment, and it would certainly be
useful to control transportation systems,
but the airlines are also in rather questionable shape. Perhaps, the way to go is the
companies that build the aircraft, such as
Bombardier. It is no Boeing or Lockheed
Martin, but it also builds trains which gives
a foothold in another transportation industry. I think the market to really get into,
though, would be investing in one of the
more promising start-up space launch
companies. Ariane launches about twelve
satellites a year and has a backlog of about
four years, and the market for communications satellites and the like is growing all of
the time. Ariane is too big for me to take
over, at least initially, but it would be far
easier to get control of one of the many
companies trying to break into this market
and get it launching. About ten to one hundred million dollars would do it. This sort
of company would guarantee a good rate of
return and it would give me an opportunity to get into a position of aerospace superiority. Control the skies, or in this case,
space, and you will control the world.
Of course, all of the money and resources
in the world will not guarantee that people
will follow me. I need the loyalty and
respect of people around me in order to
truly control things. Even evil overlords
who base their power on terror have their
faithful lieutenants, and I don't intend to
be evil: ruthless, perhaps Machiavellian,
but not evil.
Propaganda. It is all about propaganda.
That is why I am Director of Publications. I
can subtly tell you what to think, and warp
your minds to my uses. I am the greatest,
by the way. The Nazis were good at Propaganda. Of course, comparing myself to
National Socialists would be a bad example
of propaganda. Sure, they were the most
efficient and effective government in history, but that whole genocide thing gave
them a bit of a bad image in the minds of a
lot of people. In the long run, it wasn't so
useful, anyway. Giving the people scapegoats gave a focus that drew the rest of the
population together, but it also alienated
most of the most intelligent and capable
people that Germany had at its disposal.
Half the scientists on the Manhattan Project were German. Einstein? Austrian Jew.
Even Rommel, the Reich's most capable
Panzer general, eventually turned on
Hitler, and was involved in a failed assassination plot. So no genocide under my
supreme leadership. It just causes more
problems than it solves.
Notice how I started the previous paragraph talking about propaganda, and I skilfully switched the topic into something else
entirely? That is one of the tools of propaganda, right there. Speaking of cheese,...
Now, that I have instilled my greatness in
the minds of people, and I have a good base
of money and resources, I need to tackle
the final step of transferring my position of
power into a position of ultimate power.
This could be the toughest step seeing as
there are so many other power hungry people in the world not to mention all of the
people who already have power and are
inclined to hang on to it. If I revealed all of
my plans, especially the ones for this final
step, I could cost myself by allowing others
access to them, so let me just finish by saying, vote Ben for supreme dictator and
overlord. That is all.
Bowlers Wanted!
4th Annual
KIDS HELP
PHONE
Corporate
Challage
Bowlathon
Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
1:30pm to 7:30pm
The Zone, Richmond, BC
Call Raj 221-5137
or email
virgil43@hotmail.com
The NEXT DEADLINE: October 24, 4:32 PM
■.■E^^1    Send all submissons to the432@hotmail.com. Submissions should be no shorter than 500 words or longer than 1000 words.
Submissions should also make the editor laugh at least thrice or be funny enough to survive the dreaded Red Pen of Humiliation.
, , Really bad material may still be published, and possibly mocked as an example to all others. Really, really bad material will be
Vvforwarded to The Underground.
Undergraduate Physics
llllSiHiiiill^
SilllllM
pish TWGrM
^^-■WilliBBciS^ffl^'^r^l^^cs -3nd Astronomy Black Holes and Dumb Holes
?.3;i'':Srt|^fe^Ph1losbp%- ■ Minkowski Spacetim^ ancl the
.  .' ■ Nature;ol Becoming ■':
WiM -Mark'HaipP  Physics and Astronomy; MAP FJject and the Early v;
Universe. ,.:.
l8d 17 ■. Susan Allen      Earth & Ocean Sciences Vortiiy: a Zooplankters' .
Friend ,
PiQet. 24 William Hseieh : Earth & Ocean Sciences Climate: Variability and
Prediction;;;,;:
|lcl31  Jaymie Matthews Physics and Astronomy Halloween on Mars
llov.RCUPCtecires.., Urio^graduates  :
*Nof 14 Sheldon1 Green:: Meftnica! Engineering Naval Architecture;   I
IMovf 28 Douglas Sdott : Phfics and Astronomy CosmoSogf;    ;
:■ Sponsored by the UBC Rhysics and Astronomy Society (Rhys:soc). :;;
'.   Ear more questions email :keiliott@|jtysics.ubc.ca or come by Henn 3Q7.
A PPvIZE to the first person at the lecture who can tell we what the backgrbim<l is.;
Tk «2 Wonts foil!
We're looking for a few good writers (and illustrators,
and just generally funny people to help with the paper).
If you're interested, come to Klinck 202 at 2:00 PM,
October 18th. Refreshments will be provided.
Questions? Entail the432@hotmail.com.
The 432. Becausf
need one goocN
/ 16Oktober2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
fun factoids
Banging your h
calories an hou
st a wall uses ibi
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr.
Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation
Americans spend twice as much money on
pornography than they do on cookies
According to Runner's World magazine, two out
of three runners say that they fantasize about
sex while running. On the other hand, one out
of 11 fantasizes about running while havini
Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell
more attractive to females
A felcher is someone who cleans someone
An optimist is someone who tells you to cheer
up when things are going his way
The word "quiz" was supposedly invented in
1780 by a Dublin theatre manager who laid a
wager that he would introduce a new word of
no meaning into the language within 24 hours
In catspeak, "meow" is actually a combination
of two distinctive calls: the "me" part is a friendly greeting, while the "ow" part means, "I'm willing to defend myself." Cats meow at humans,
but rarely at other cats
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a
second
Astronauts cannot belch - there is no gravity to
separate liquid from gas in their stomachs
Each person sheds 40lbs of skin in his or her
A cockroach can live for nine days without it:
head. A student can live 4 years that way
kewl websites
The name says it all
http://www.newsoftheweird.com
A very... interesting... artist
http://www.jeffpage.com/page2.htm
Toxic Plants by Degree of Toxicity
http://vet.purdue.edu/depts/addl/toxi
c/bytox1.htm
The Money Tree Amulet
http://www.spellmasters.com/mon-
eytree.html
The Prime Number Pages
http://www.utm.edu/research/primes
or
(http://primes.utm.edu/curios/
JRobotic Sheep Shearing
http://www.mech.uwa.edu.au/jpt/she
armagic/Default.html
When to Neuter Your Cat
http://www.marvistavet.com/html/ne
utering_the_male_cat.html
Apple Briefs were never so much fun...
http://www.ilovebacon.com/food-
drink/011501.shtml
'Cartoons like you wouldn't believe
http://www.plif.com
More Cartoons like you wouldn't
'believe
http://www.mightywombat.com
Flying The New Way
http://www.email.net/work-well-
together.html
The Dirty, Dirty Drawers of SUS
Social Coordinator
N
Katharine Scotton
othing really to report this week.
Thanks to those that helped out at
the football game the other week.
I'm still looking for lots of people to join my
social committee. Due to lack of social
space on campus, there will be no Oktoberfest, but there will be much fun in November. Cheers,
Kat
Senator
Finance
May Tee
So what's going on in Finance? Well,
seeing as how I just got this position
about a week ago, I'm still trying to
figure that out as well.
Club budgets from Science clubs were
due on Friday, October 12th, but with all
the confusion surrounding who to send
them to, I'll be accepting club budgets
until the end of this week—and that is the
FINAL EXTENSION.
Remember: if your club doesn't submit a
budget, SUS cannot allocate funds to it.
Well, that's all for Finance (or at least
what I know of it;)! Have a wonderful
week, and remind all the executives of
your Science clubs that they need to give
me a club budget by Friday, Oct. 19th
4:00 p.m. (either in my box at the SUS
office or via e-mail:
mctee@interchange.ubc.ca)
External VP
Michael Groves
The AMS will be gearing up for a referendum in November. The three
questions to go on the ballot were
finalised last Wednesday. They include 2
issues that are to be voted on and a survey
question. The two issues are about updating the AMS bylaws and the creation of a
new AMS student fee that would start at
$3 this year and increase for four years.
Beyond the fourth year, the fee will
remain at $12 annualy. This is to protect,
improve and expand the AMS Services
such as Safewalk, Speakeasy, Tutoring,
Rentsline, and Joblink. The survey question is to determine if UBC students support differential tuition. The AMS will be
starting an information campaign shortly
that will provide more details.
Also, there will be a Tranklink public
forum in the SUB conversation pit on Friday, October 26th. Come out and voice
any concerns about the current level of
transit service especially in light of the
cuts Translink is following through with
on October 15th. Details about the starting
time will come soon once all the details
about the forum are finalised.
Tim Chan
Things on the Senate front are mostly
quiet. One cool thing on the horizon
is that they're going to establish a
new College of Health Sciences. More info
to come on that later. Also, you may have
noticed the construction work up on the
5th floor of Main Library a while back.
Well, the plans are to put in place a Learning Commons that will house lots of comfy
chairs, desks, computers, and laptops to be
signed out to use in conjunction with a
wireless network. If you're interested in
that, go to Main and take a look at some of
the plans on display. Otherwise, the Chapman Learning Commons is set to open next
term. It should look awesome! And finally, congrats to all the newly elected Execs
and Councillors. You don't know what you
got yourself into...
D. of Publications
T
Ben Warrington
[iddlywinks and bits and bits and
chunks offish and chickenstrips!
With help from Dave T., and love from
Russia. Or so they say. -ed
Spinach is good for herpatic sores when
applied liberally to the gonads, I find.
-Dave T.
Internal VP
Brian MacLean
Hi I'm Brian, the new VP Internal. I'm a
recent import from the AMS side of things
and I'm really excited to work with SUS
this year. When I'm not hanging out in
LSK you'll likely find me chilling at
Speakeasy-dreaming of deep white powder
but never actually making it to a ski hill. I
'm also an advisor at Thunderbird Residence so I hope any of you who find yourselves out in that neck of the woods will feel
free to drop by and say hi. (I tend not to get
out too much-I hear there's life off campus
but I wouldn't know.)
Anna's teaching me the ropes and I'm getting to know the rest of the SUS team.
Reka and I are working on the upcoming
SUS retreat, Oct 19-Oct 21, and it promises
to be a lot of fun. The First Year Committee is doing a great job planning a Halloween dance for October 31. It will be in
the SUB party room and should start
around 7:00 pm. Everyone's welcome.
Come, dress up-show us your funky side-
win prizes! More information will follow,
just look for posters in science buildings.
Also, to any of you out there who're toying
with the idea of getting involved, come
drop by the SUS office in LSK and check us
out. We'd love to hear from you.
El Presidente
Reka Sztopa
W
ere's my bottle?
1 Bj..^lh^±C/ie7J^
T r*A /a/& zw eZ-Au&ta/raf'*-
Y€2
S
/2//c>/20*S~ Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
16Oktober2001
Operation: Enduring Silly Names
Andy Martin
Ji-Havi
So, let's try to make sense of this all.
A month ago, eleven members of a
fanatical religious group who believes
that Thou Shall Not Kill' was a typo of
Thou shall drive a plane into a building
and kill 6,000 people who never did anything to you', finally obtained their ultimate objective of killing as many people as
possible as a statement that theirs was the
true and just religion. Said highjackers
have since been wondering why Paradise is
so hot and sulphury, and why Allah has
such large horns and keeps impaling them
on his large pitchfork.
Their branding of all Americans as 'infidels' evolves from what they believe to be
three main problems, a) a bunch of people,
supported by the Americans, who don't
believe everything they do live where they
think important stuff happened thousands
of years ago. b) the Americans, who don't
think like they do, used Saudi Arabia as a
base to defend...Saudi Arabia from Iraq's
pious Saddam Hussein and his Holy Mustard Gas supplies. Saudi Arabia being
another site where they think important
stuff happened thousands of years ago. c)
The United States doesn't think like they
do at all and offends them deeply by such
things as women who aren't covered head-
to-toe, music, alcohol, and actually allowing another religion to exist within its borders without a jihad.
The ruling government that harbours
these idiots was told a thousand times to
hand them over, not only on the urgings of
human decency and justice, but with an
army the size of their populace coming into
position around them. Instead, it stands
behind some passage saying that it can't
hand over one of their own faith to those
who don't share that faith. And on those
grounds alone, they'll bring almighty hell
upon everyone who lives in their country.
When the evidence is gathered, fingers
point to a man and his group who have
been responsible for previous terrorist
attacks against American targets. They
never went after the group because the lone
successful attack on U.S. soil only killed six
people. The other attacks were far away
from U.S. soil, and didn't kill too many
Americans anyways. A few cruise missiles
have been shot into the mountains in retaliation, but that's it. The fact that, up until
the Gulf War, bin Laden was on the U.S.
government payroll rather sweetens the
what-the-hell-ness of it all.
But, to pose a question, what the hell is
this evidence. The FBI/CIA have arrested
over 600 people with connections to the
attacks, yet very few details are reliable as
to what the heck they had to do with it.
Tony Blair's description of the 'overwhelming evidence' is nice, but can't we see
what's in there? Can we? Oh, just one peek
at why you're bombing the hell out of
Afghanistan. We won't tell. Oh pretty
please?
Just on the news the other day, I saw
another peace march. A lady was interviewed and she said: "I would prefer a
more peaceful solution, a resolution in the
courts."
Whoa. Wait a minute. Last time I checked,
the terrorist network, that is willing to kill
as many innocent civilians as they can, is in
the middle of a bunch of caves in the middle of a country that supports them to all
ends, and they ain't coming out too fast
either. Well, hell, let's just drag Judge Judy
out to the middle of the Afghanistan wasteland to teach this bad man some manners.
Assuming she isn't publicly stoned for
revealing her head in public, she'll set up a
quick courtroom, give the terrorists due
process, hand down a fair sentence and the
bailiff will take bin Laden away to do some
hard time.
"But what I'm trying to say your honour, is
that that infidel over th-"
"Shh...what did you say?"
"Thatinfid-"
"What did you say? They'll be no name
calling in my courtroom. I don't care what
Doodad-astan we're in, you respect the
rules of this court. It's his turn to talk. You
had your turn and now it's his turn and you
go off running your mouth. I heard you the
first time. Just shut up when someone else
is talking. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you? Do you
understand me?"
"Yes, Your Honour."
"Good. Go on Mr. Bush."
But no, it's hell on earth instead. The
States are bombing an impoverished country to even smaller rubble (and quickly
running out of 'strategic military sites' to
pound the bejeezus out of), and the constant threat of another terrorist act on
North American soil. The only thing we can
gain from this is a cool name.
And what the hell do they call it? 'Opera-
Erection Results
I
n case ya didn't know it, SUS held some elections a little while
ago and some people got elected.
The official results go something like this:
And in first place for number of spoiled ballots is Tommy Ger-
schman(acclaimed), who also took over the role of Public Relations officer (PRO). Congrats! Other new executive members
are the Brian Maclean(acclaimed-which also rhymes with
Maclean) as Internal Vice President (lucky bastard gets the
first year committee.. I want the frosh -ed) and May Tee as
Director of Finance (acclaimed). Three cheers for all new executive members who hung in there against all odds and beat all of
their nonexistant opponents.
Interestingly enough there was a total of 150 'no' votes for people
running alone for positions. No 'no' votes were successful, but
Dan Anderson managed to tie with 13 for and 13 against. Congratulations to Dan who was later voted in as General Science Rep
in council.
First year rep information is still pending... (damn them for making me vOaitfor my frosh -ed)
Department Reps:
Biochem: Janel Casey
YES
NO
Spoiled
30
3
1
Chemistry: Chris Zappavigna
YES                                  23
NO                                   1
Computer Science:
James Dai
Philip Vu
Spoiled
34
3
1
CSP:
Chris Stevens
Serena Siow
Hedy Lam
24
14
28
Math and Stats: Jason Chuang
YES 9
NO 1
Microbiology:
Uri Burstyn
Ken Kaila
16
18
Pharmacology: Rajesh Pachhigar
YES 2
NO 0
Physics: Suresh Sivanandam
YES 10
NO o
Spoiled 1
Earth and Ocean Science: Ken Kwok
YES 9
NO 1
Spoiled l
General Science: Dan (the man) Anderson
YES 13
NO 13
Integrated Science: Arazoo Astenehe
YES 8
NO o
Physical Geography: Greg Amos
YES
3
NO
0
Science One:
Andrew Thamboo
18
Charles Huang
12
Alexis Braun
3
General Officers (4):
Remy Winklemeier
191
Juliana Lam
254
Alan Warkentin
218
Matt Smith
237
Theresa Liao
253
tion: Enduring Freedom". What the hell is
that? Even the name of the NYPD's operation to heighten security in New York is ten
times cooler: "Operation: Thunderball".
Now that's cool. How are you supposed to
impress the world on your first serious
nearly-solo campaign since Vietnam with a
title that does nothing but give me a
headache every time I say it. Even the three
day rolled-up-newspaper-smack-on-the-
nose incident ten years ago was called
'Operation: Desert Storm", a legitimately
cool name. I could have come up with a
thousand better titles in five minutes. Let's
see if I can:
"Operation: Who wants some?", "Operation: Pound 'Em Even Further Back in the
Stone Age", "Operation: Take it All, Bitch",
"Operation: Dig 'em out and Hang 'em
High", "Operation: Man, I wish I passed
my GED", "Operation: Oh My Allah!",
"Operation: Sticks and Stones May Break
My Bones, but They Don't Do Shit Against
10,000 Tomahawk Missiles", "Operation:
Tali-BLAM!", "Operation: Fuck"
There, that's about five minutes. Not bad,
'eh? I'd be such an awesome top military
advisor.
We need to go in there, grab the idiots,
drag 'em through the streets, hang them up
by the toenails and give everyone who lost
a loved one during their 'religious statement' a chance to kick them in the crotch
before finally delivering the killing blow by
making them listen to 'Onobox: A six-disk
compilation of the best of Yoko Ono's
Greatest Hits' for a week straight. That'll
have them praying to a different God.
Where did all this anger come from
Andy? Can't we all just get along?
-ed
Wyne
Well, maybe just
a cheese*-
Food
Platters
Date:
Oct 26
Place:
Suedfeld
Lounge
Time:
1230-130pm
♦No Alcohol Will Be
Served

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