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The 432 Mar 27, 1995

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Array Quote of the Week
You know, exams really suck If you aren't
buddy buddy with Einstein or Schroedlnger...
Opinion common to the vast majority of Science students
New Engineering Tanking
Pond Unveiled!
Innocent Arts students everywhere quaking in their boots!
Gord van McOIundsky	
Roving Correspondent
AS PART OF the overall
efficiency improvements
at the University of British
Columbia, the traditional
was completely overhauled to
meet the BC Ministry of
Health's 21st Century tanking
standards. Representatives of
the UBC Engineers were justifiably proud of their accomplishment.
"You see, we used to grab
students off the street and
toss them in that great big
pond in front of the library.
Boy, those sure were the glory
days. But then some pipes
burst or something, and the
pond dried up. We felt kinda
sorry for the pair we threw in
in late Odober. I guess it's fair
to say we were just as surprised as they were to find the
water gone," said Mark
Vankleek, Engineering First
Vice President.
Engineers were forced to try
other locations for their time
honoured tradition. Test runs
were made at various places,
but were discontinued for
safety reasons. Vankleek
"Our favourite place was
definitely over by Tower
Beach. Our EngPhys guys calculated it out, and we figured
if we went to the top of the
cliff, and got at least six burly
Engineers to make the actual
throw, our lucky contestant
should have landed safely in
deep water. I tell you, it really
gave us all a sense of unity to
send our favourite Science
pals sailing off into the sunset."
Unfortunately, not one person actually landed safely.
Engineering's response:
"No comment. We have
nothing to say. Well, ok,
-triaybe someone made a slight
mistake. Who would have
thought forgetting to carry
the seven would have had
such a dramatic effect?"
Alternate locations were
tried and then abandoned,
including several large puddles out near the B-Lots, and
the muddy ditch outside the
Law Building.
Members of the First Year
Engineering Class quickly
identified that this would
prove to be a problem and set
to work on a solution.
First, a wooden prototype
was construrted outside the
Cheeze, home of the UBC
Engineering Undergrad
Society. The prototype was
subjected to a rigorous testing
schedule, with twice-daily
tankings until the designers
were certain they had worked
out all the bugs.
Then, workers set about
constructing the full scale version. Made of concrete, the
pool can handle double tankings, needed to ease the backlog of lucky winners on the
EUS's list. This is a vast
improvement over the prototype, which had a tendency
to burst if the partidpant had
a mass in excess of 50 kg.
The implementation of the
new Pond was not without
In a unprecedented move,
the Dean of Applied Sdence
attempted to shut down what
was termed "a dangerous violation of personal safety."
This was in despite of the fad
that no University official has
ever tried to fill in any of the
many potholes on campus,
some of which are significantly deeper than the new Pond.
Luckily, Engineers were able
to modify the Pond, improving safety. This was done with
the addition of safety webbing, and padding on all
sides, the addition of a plastic
splash guard to keep the spectators dry. Engineers have
agreed to limit tanking to the
summer months, promising
to halt the dangerous practice
of using the first participant
to "break the ice" for the
remainder during the winter.
Engineering has also prepared a waiver for all participants to sign, absolving the
University and the EUS from
any damages or injuries
resulting "from cracking your
skull open on the concrete
bottom of a foot-deep pond."
However, the Pond was
almost turned into a giant
tree planter.
Vankleek went on record
to say,".. .that would have
been a real drag. I mean, call
me old fashioned, but throwing someone into a pile of
dirt just doesn't seem the
same as throwing them into a
body of water."
Many of his fellow
Engineers agreed with his
The controversy arose over
recent statistics, showing the
high probability of death
resulting from the rapid
decrease in body temperature
caused by the transition from
air to water. Understandably,
officials were concerned about
the safety of students.
Engineering replied with
statistics of their own, illustrating the improbability of
such an accident.
"Through scientific
research, we were able to
prove, beyond a shadow of a
doubt, that it was far more
likely to die from getting your
dingo caught in a car door in
Australia. In fact, we discovered that three young men
died from such a tragic accident last year alone. That really got me thinking about
what the heck they're doing
down in Australia..."
Armed with such incontro-
vertable evidence,
Engineering students were
able to convince the Dean of
Applied Science to put his
final seal of approval on the
project, paving the way for
tankings for years to come.
Officials at the Science and
Arts Undergraduate Sodeties
were unavailable for comment, although the new
President of the AUS was spotted near the McLeod Building
with a hammer and chisel.
No innocent Arts students
were harmed in the making of
this article.
cC~.            ™:d
i&^§^^±t ^^^^^1
"Well... it seems that an apple a day does not necessarily keep the doctor away..." THE       FOUR        THIRTY   -TWO
Monday, March 27, 1995
Volume 8 Number 13
Monday, March 27,1995
Blair McDonald
Leona Adams, Jesse Burnett, Bella
Carvalho, Kevin Douglas, Jay Garcia,
John Hallett, Graeme Kennedy, Dave
The 432 is printed every two weeks by
the Science Undergrad Society from our
offices in CHEM 160. All rights reserved.
We're not going to bother telling you
how to submit your stuff for publication,
since hey, you've had all year and never
bothered. You'll just have to live with
yourself until September now. Nyaahh!
Graeme Kennedy
John Hallett, Roger Watts
Khan, Tracy MacKinnon, Ryan MeCuaig,
Blair McDonald, Tessa Moon, Glen
Stokes, Roger Watts, and Matt Wiggin
Plus food from Elana Promislow. Thanks
to Jay for distribution.
Lessons of life.    A Better Breed.
I THERE. Guess
Jk J. Awhat? This is
jL the last issue of the
^-W—     season.   Do   you
' .   . know what  that
means? Vaaaacccc-
Blair aaaaadtttti-
McDon&lfl iooooonrmnn!!!!! Bye!
Well, maybe not
quite so fast. There's still the rest of
these columns to fill, and hey... I'm
going to allow myself the privilege of
babbling a bit. like a brook, you ask?
Nope... like a bloody river at the
height of the rainy season. And you
thought Holland had it bad.
Lesson #1: Gravity is a mean and
nasty thing.
My theory is this-gravity is actually
a malicious, evil, force of nature.
Obviously, its ultimate goal is to bring
dvilization crashing down around our
feet. Now, gravity will go out of its
way to bring down an unsuspeding
victim. Case in point. - your average
residence bed.
The designers of the medieval torture chambers could have picked up a
few pointers from the extra-long,
extra-thin, cast-iron, squeaky thing
called a residence bed. It's nearly
impossible to spend a comfortable
night on the damned things. A lot of
this has do to with gravity, though.
You see, gravity - bane of students
that it is - can suck you sideways
towards the edge of the mattress, and
then shift direction to haul you to the
floor. Students with high blood alcohol will experience this quite frequently.
Lesson #2: Take dem road signs
Stop signs are perhaps the most
important bit of signage out on our
nation's streets. Speed limits are also
critical, if only to see exactly how
much faster you're travelling. But
above all of that, above yield signs,
direction/distance signs, above even
those gigantic billboards that tell you
how much longer you'll have to suffer without your daily dose of
McDonald's fries, are the elk signs.
You gotta watch out for dem elks.
Let me explain.
Last weekend, I was travelling
home from a visit to the Okanagan,
via the Hope-Princeton. Out of the
corner of my eye, I spotted one of
those "Warning Elk Crossing 25 km."
No big deal. I thought to myself,
"Blair... as if you'll ever see an elk, out
here in the middle of nowhere, late at
night..." when wham! out leaped an
elk from the side of the road!
I just barely avoided slamming my
girlfriend's nice, red car into a stupid,
brownish elk.
I think that elk was waiting for me.
Lesson #3: Cows have it good.
In fact, when I die; I actually want
to come back as a cow. Not one of
those prefab cows, though. One of
those free-range ones you see wandering along the side of the highways.
They've got everything I want in
life. Peace and quiet. Lots of food. And
more than one stomach to eat it with.
I guess the only drawback would be
the inevitable conversion into quasi-
beef McBurgers.
By the way, what would a dyslexic
cowsay?Oom?    .'.-.^in t1 >r"
Lesson #4i Being editor is fun.
"rtld'nda, anyways. It's been a real treat
to wander into my dasses and watch
people reading this crazy old fag. It's
• even better when they actually laugh.
Of course, the best is when something hits them right in the stomach
and leaves them gasping for breath.
One poor girl in one of my Biology
classes was reaHihg along? blissfully
ignoring the prof, when she stumbled
across something that sent her into
hysterics. She tried to hold in the
laughter, but that only made it worse.
She shook, shuddered, and finally
exploded into shrieks.
Unfortunately, this was right down
in the first row, and the prof did not
take kindly to the interuption.
I guess there's nothing else to say.
I've been shackled to the computer for
a second year, so I know I'll be back to
waste your time with cynical, pointless, and only sometimes amusing articles. Till then...
(U R I N G
holidays, it was
brought to my
attention that
there is a new
breed of cat on the
Wlggill market: bald cats.
Now these aren't
cats that one buys before they have
had a chance to grow any hair. The little buggers are born bald, and bald
they remain, no shaving (or waxing if
you don't like your cat,) required.
At first, I was appalled by the idea.
For one thing, perspn who introduced
me to the idea described them as locking like Yoda, and she likes cats^ For
another, a bald cat is still a cat, and
that means that it's not really a good
pet in my books. After some discussion with my family on the subject,
I've come to the conclusion that if I
was to get stuck with a cat, I make it
bald, if for no other reason than the
fun I could have with it. Below are
some suggestions for what to do if you
have a bald cat. I should give due credit to my parents and yOuhger sister for
their help.
First up, it's much easier to train a
bald cat not to climb up on your furniture, or do anything you don't want
it to, for that matter. This particular
method must be used during the winter months, and works better in the
interior, or, say the Yukon; than it
would in the lower mainland area.
After the cat has been bad, give it a
good scolding, and then put it outside
for two or three days. It will probably
beg to come in for a couple of hours,
but after that, you shouldn't have a
problem. This also makes your cat
much more affectionate once you
bring it back in. At least it won't
scratch you when you try to pet it.
Closely related to the previous idea
is using your hairless cat as a thermometer in the winter months. First
up, get Fluffy wet. This takes a little
Next issue
September 5
practice, but after a while, you can
learn to sneak up on him/her with a
bucket full of water. Then, take the cat
outside and throw it up against the
closest chain link fence (aluminum
siding on a house will work if no
fences are available.) If Fluffy sticks,
it's cold out. You should make sure
you keep a bucket of warm water
handy when you do this; it makes it a
lot easier to get your feline thermometer off the fence.
Ever seen those little sweaters that
sOme people insist dressing their dogs
in? Well here's an idea one better than
that: tattoos. The best part abOut a tattoo is that it turns your pet into a
work of art. You can get whatever you
want put on the sides Of it: plaid, a
portrait of sOme famous dead person,
a sign ("I love my Owner* is a nice
one,) or if you want, you can have a
picture of fur drawn on your cat. The
possibilities are endless. One of the
best parts about tattooin^prcatis
being able to watch the rapport that
develops between the cat and the tat-
tooist. I would suggest taking some
sort of restraining belt and enough
money to offer an extra large tip if you
dedde to do this.
If tattooing too permanent for your
taste, but you wish to change the
appearance of a bald cat, it's pretty
simple. Just take Fluffy to the beach
on a nice sunny day. Baste with baby
oil every forty five minutes until the
cat is the colour you want it. Any
colour from pink to deep red is possible. The evening of the day you do
this, your cat would probably really
appredate a nice warm bath, or to perhaps a ride in the clothes dryer.
Finally, if you do decide to buy a
bald cat, but subsequently decide you
don't like it, you can always have a
wallet made out of it. Not having to
pluck out the fur keeps the leather
nice and soft. So, in conclusion, bald
cats aren't that bad when you consider
that they're cats. Oh, and by the way,
please bear in mind that while these
are good things to think about doing,
it's really not nice to go out and actually do these things to a cat. Actually,
that's just a disclaimer to keep the
animal rights activists from lynching
me, but it had to be done; they can be
cruel when they want to be.
watt Monday, March 27,1995
Booking out on P.
I REALLY honestly and truly
thought that I
would never have
to resort to this
again, but I've fallen back into the
abyss, and I'm
ashamed, so
ashamed: I left my work for the last
minute yet again, so for the last two
days, I have been rockin' out on
adrenaline (actually, when I thought
about this originally, I had the idea of
rockin' out on *some p-word* adrenaline, but that was a mere 4 hours into
my caffeine feast, so I can't even be
sure that this thought ever occurred).
Hmm. Pig Adrenaline? Private
Adrenaline? Priceless? Personal? I'm
sure it'll come to me.
As you may have noticed, my sentences are somewhat more complex, if
not outright run-on, than usual,
which can be attributed to the fact
that "stop" is a word gradually dissolving itself from my personal glossary.
A gimmick you say? Hogwash: I've
never used a gimmick before in my
life, it doesn't suit my charader and
besides, I've used all the good ones up
anyway, so this isn't a gimmick, and
doephedrine on purpose.
Pseudo Adrenaline? No, I don't
think so.
I had turned oyer a new leaf, really I
had, but then my birthday came
around, and threw a knot into everything -1 mean, I couldn't do work
Thursday, 'cause it was my birthday,
and besides, I was bagged from Storm
the Wall practice; Friday, well, how
can you work on St. Patrick's Day;
Saturday I couldn't work because my
friends threw me a surprise party, and
Sunday my roomies wanted to do a
small gathering, so I couldn't very well
deny them that, now could I? That
brings me to ... let's see, Monday
night, when I really would have
worked if I hadn't already had double
passes to the preview of Circle of
Friends at SUB, which likewise
brought me to later Monday night, all
day Tuesday, and reams of caffeine.
Yeah, I had another birthday, and
spending some time navel-gazing as I
am occasionally given to doing, I realized that birthdays just aren't a big
deal anymore. When I was in high
school, there was always that hype to
turn sixteen, because then I'd be able
to drive, like everyone else, and then,
when I came here, the new hypeable
feast was turning nineteen, so I could
go anywhere I wanted, just like everyone else; well, driving has lived up to
the hype, hut most of the birthdays
since my sixteenth have been, well,
less than moving. Leave it to my
friends: when I finally reach the point
Of realizing that birthdays are just
days, and not being even the slightest
twinge upset when people don't do
thulgsior my birthday, along they
come with the surprise party to end all
parties. I generally like to think of
myself as having reasonable discerning abilities, but this year, I saw all the
warning signs, blinked, and kept on
driving: you really got me, guys.
One good thing about birthdays is
the free food: since then, I have had a
free lunch, free supper, and a free
dessert and am looking forward to two
more lunches and a supper (phree
adrenaline? Not that this misspelling
isn't something that I would not be
given to given my current state of
mind,, and I imagine it does make
some sort of sense in context, but I
don't think so). Whoever it was who
said "There are no free lunches" needs
to get a higher class of friends.
Pure Adrenaline! That's what it was!
Rockin' out on Pure Adrenaline!
As I mentioned some time ago, I saw
Circle of Friends on Monday and it
was a really cool show, but as much as
I'm dying to tell you all about it, I'm
not going to, because I really hate it
when people tell me how great a
movie is and then they give me the
whole plot; it's a bummer, because
then there's no point in seeing the
movie for myself; actually, I usually
hateit when people tell me anything
about a movie if I was going to see it
anyway, because I wait for the movie
to get "intense" or whatever adjective
is used to describe the flick. As I was
saying, Circle of Friends, was really
cool, in spite of the fact that it was
predittable in parts and it had a reasonably happy ending (which, under
appropriate dtcumstances, can really
take the edge off an otherwise enjoyable movie), because of the one way in
which it was unpredirtable: this show
was not about the gorgeous.guy getting the gorgeous girl (ex. Four
Weddings' and a Funeral), or the gorgeous girl getting the gorgeous guy
(ex. Heathers (actually, this is probably
wrong; if I remember correctly,
Winona and Christina more or less
got each other in that flick, but since
the next best thing I can think of is
The Little Mermaid, and this is the last
issue of the year, so you can't do anything about it, that's the one I'm
going to stick with)), or even the ever-
popular misfit gets gorgeous girl (ex.
Forrest Gump, Dumb and Dumber (I
would imagine this; the Canadian dollar isn't strong enough for there to be
enough money in this country for you
to pay be to see that show), Edward
Sdssorhands, The Breakfast Club (now
there's a blast from the past if I ever
saw one) and likely 95% of all
teenaged soft porno films in existence
(I have not seen any of these, but
imagine that they would fit well into
this category: any movies with the
words "Private" in the title (ha ha. no
Private Benjamin is not included), and
anything starring Anthony Michael
Hall or either of those guys named
Corey). Before I go on, I need to take
a brief break, not so much because the
concept leaves me breathless, but
more because that was one heck of a
long sentence. .... that's much better.
The point I was trying to make before
I got sidetracked is that this movie has
substance, as I like to refer to it,
because the female misfit gets the gor-
-geous guy. Of course! just because
" that Idrid of thmg^stirtsi happeningin
the movies, doesn't mean that all of a
sudden, guys around the world will
say, "Well, if fat girls are good enough
for Chris O'Donnell, they sure as heck
are good enough for me", but a girl
can always dream, can't she?
PtLTERTSTOM •. sv:Alem^>^
So . Stc\K\ , £o , RICK I , 6o, toe.*! THE        FOUR       THIRTY-   TWO
Monday, March 27, 1995
/ailing those classes?
CX9s for sale!
cost TEA, get 'em at Henn 307
(Physsoc) or at your class
$2.50 for members $3.00 for non-,
get 'em at Chem 1)222
AMS TAitoring Services is offering free drop-in
tutoring in 1st. year subjects:
English (composition)
SUB Room 205
6 to 10 pm
3 to 5 pm
1 to 5 pm
Shuswap Lounge
Tue 7 to 10 pm
Thu 7 to 10 pm
Sun        7 to 10 pm
For more information call 822-8724 or drop by the
AMS TUtoring Office in SUB 249D.
AMS TUtoring is an education project of the Alma
Mater Society and is partially funded by the Teaching and Learning Enhancement Fund of UBC.
Dave Khan
Social Coordinator Dregs.
I CAN'T BELIEVE another year has
gone by. The older I get, the
quicker this seems to happen.
But it's been a great (however
hectic) year. A brief chronolo-
j   gy of events...I took over the
esteemed position of SoCo from
the legendary John Hallet (who
sS%    is now making the big bucks) in
mid-October. The confusion of
this mid-term turnover, com-
1    bined with the great security (a
^     contradiction in terms...) and
hundreds and hundreds of very
drunk engineers allowed us to put
on a highly successful (OK...social-
ly) Oktoberfest Dance in which we
managed to lose most of the Social
budget for the year. Undaunted, I
went on to stage the Nothing-
Happens-in-November Bzzr Garden
(which posted another, thankfully
much smaller, loss despite the best
efforts of the SUS Exec and a good
turnout) and the SUS Christmas Party
(watch out for the broken
glass!@#$%A). The art of running a
socially and financially successful
event was finally perfected with the
Science Week Dance with 54.40 in
January. I think if s safe to say this
was the best Concert/Dance/Bzzr
Garden of the year, packing the SUB
Ballroom way past fire capacity (luckily this time we had real security) and
capping off a great Science Week.
Unfortunately, after all these bashes,
money has run a little low...which
brings us up to date. The difficulty in
obtaining a liquor license for our
office at Chem B160 (see glass reference above) has forced us to indefinitely postpone all events for the rest
of the year...but it was fun while it
I've learned alot this year.
Everything from the "ins and outs"
of the AMS (sort of) to the real number of Carvalho sisters there is. Next
year I'll be Senator for all you Science
students, so I'll be dealing with your
academic, rather than drinking,
requirements (weird how that works,
huh?) Of course, you'll still be able to
find me at those Bzzr Garden shindigs.
I hope you all come out and get
involved next year...if 11 make life at
UBC much more interesting.
John Gets Lucky.
['VEBEENthinkr ,
ihgalot recently. Maybe too
much. I don't
know, maybe I'll
think about it
Now isn't that a
vicious little circle?
Anyway, I was going to tell you
what I was thinking about, and that
task would be so much easier if I could
remember what that point was. Oh
yes, I was going to talk about luck.
Luck is a strange thing and, much
like Elvis, some people don't believe it
exists while others know for a fact it
does. I spent several days subjecting
myself to extensive pondering that
would, if only I wore sandals, put me
in a league with Socrates, Plato, and
Homer (not Simpson, you ignorant,
uncultured, peasant societal leaches).
I then followed up my philosophizing with hours of hard, unfulfilling
research. This mostly involved following a wide variety of genetic freeks
around town all day just waiting for
something bizarre to happen.
Fifteen pages of notes, six restraining orders, and four promises to
appear later, I had what I needed to
form a theory. And here it is:
John's Theory on Luck
1) Luck is finite. (Oops, wrong
issue. Ignore that)
1) Luck affects everyone and
everyone affects luck.
Translation: If we picturerluckas an"""'
ambient energy field surrounding the
surface of the earth, it becomes easy to
see exactly how people might interact
with this field and cause currents and
eddies. But, since luck isn't an energy
field, this is slightly more difficult.
You'll have to figure it out for yourself.
2) Luck comes in many different
Translation: Most people only think
that there is good and bad luck. This is
not true. There are many kinds of
luck, including (but not limited to):
Good, mediocre, strange, mauve, and
legal. A short guide to the more common kinds of luck appears at the end
of this article.
3) There exists luck and anti-luck.
Translation: For every brand of luck
(see above... and below. Oh boy, now
I'm confused), there exists its opposite.
Good has bad, legal has illegal and so
on. The only exception to this rule is
mauve luck, as we're not exactly sure
what that is.
4)Luck comes in quantized
Translation: Most people believe that
you can only experience good luck,
and, in a few rare cases, really good
luck. This is not so. Everyone is experiencing finite, measurable, luck all the
time, and whaf s more, they are experiencing every kind of luck simultaneously. This is made possible by the fact
that each type of luck is absorbed in
lohn's Luck	
continues page 5 Monday, March 27,1995
This area reserved as an ink-free zone to provide
toilet paper in case of an emergency. Aren't you
glad we didn't make this spot black instead?
Finals. The
Blatant Plug.
Boy, are we ever glad we've got the summer to think up better ideas to
fill little useless spaces like this.
John's Luck
continued from page 5
discrete packets at a finite rate.
Translation of Translation: It's possible to be sorta lucky.
A brief list of common luck varieties.
Good (Anti: Bad) - Good luck is the
easiest to perceive. If some one repeatedly wins the lottery jackpot, there is a
fair chance that that person is experiencing a good luck. Of course, there is
also a fair chance that that person is
about to be indicted for fraud.
Mediocre (Anti: Exceptional) - There is
a 1/500 chance that you will be struck
by a car while crossing the street.
Mediocre luck is me kind of luck that
lets you do this 500 times a year for six
years without getting hit. Its opposite,
exceptional luck, is what allows this
"p^p^l6™pubusrT13times a year without getting indicted for fraud (1/1
Mauve (Anti: Unknown) - Although
my tests confirm the existence of this
kind of luck, it's hard to determine
what it does or how exactly it goes
about doing whatever that might be.
At this point in time, it appears to
have something to do with the guy
next to you in a restaurant getting a
fatal case of food poisoning from a
piece of fish giblet expelled from your
throat into his through the timely
application of the Heimlich maneuver.
Ironic (Anti: Fitting) - The best way to
explain ironic luck is to say that it is
the kind of luck that allows you to win
the $15 million lottery and only have
to spilt the jackpot with the other
14,999,999 other lucky winners.
Sexual (Anti: Asexual) - This kind of
luck is solely responsible for one night
stands. It is essential at this time to
make the distinction between sexual
luck and bzzr. They often occur simultaneously and are, understandably,
easily confused.
Now you have it. John's; exhaustively complete guide to luck. So, whether
you've won $10 in the lottery, or one
of your friends met with an untimely
demise when a satellite fell on him
whilst he was camping on the side of a
mountain, you know what caused it.
Oh yeah, just in case you're wondering, I managed to figure out what
causes luck. What is it? you ask. My
eternally wise answer is:
"Bugger off. How am I supposed to
profit off tins knowledge if I tell you in a
free newspaper? Read my book."
LEU Nrmio AGIO ?
UBC's new policy on animal testing.
FINALS. The mere utterance of this word is often enough
to induce a seizure in most undergrads, or, at the very
least, send them fleeing and scuttering in terror to
Sedgewick, or to their professors (otherwise known as "They
Who Must Be Appeased"), or to the fop of the clock tower
with a high-calibre rifle, all the while keeping a sharp lookout for said professors.
Now, there may be a few intellectual giants out there who
can't understand why finals cause a deep, overwhelming
fear in the very depths of the innennost core of a student's soul (to these people,
I give you a fond "mpppppppf). Well, ifs got something to do with the fact that
taking a final forces you to sit down in a really cramped, tiny desk, beneath terrible overhead lighting, all the while pondering on the distilled wit and wisdom
of dead (or almost dead) scientists as invigilators prowl the aisles, always on the
lookout for the merest hint of an infraction of the Examination Code. But,
mainly, fear is induced by this single, awful truth: it is usually these exams
which can make or break your tenn. Not to mention your average mark, your
GPA, and, eventually, your chance of admission into a prestigious grad school.
Or any grad school. Period.
Hyperventilating yet? Don't worry Relax. After all, if you haven't figured this
out by now, on the last week of regulation time, then it's probably too late. You
should just bunk off your finals and take a nice, slow, relaxing cruise to the
Bahamas, or to Oregon, at the very least. Being an unprepared student living in
Vancouver during these Final days can cause undue amounts of stress (for tips
on dealing with stress, see issue eleven of this year). '
But, for those of you out there who can't — or won't — leave Vancouver for
the mindless relaxation to be had on some sunny Caribbean island, due to any
number of reasons (such as the lack of cash, or the fact that you've got parents
breathing down your back, or an actual desire to put yourself through one
month of hell — all of which, coincidentally enough, happen to be my reasons
for hanging around), then you have my condolences.
In this caserit would probably be a good idea fo start findjng:jvays of dealing
with your finals.
Studying like hell (in other words, cramming) for the next two weeks would
be the best thing you could do. It may, no, will wreak havoc on your personal
life for the next two weeks, but men again, constantly whining about how
unprepared you are won't win you any friends, either (and it could very well
lose you some). Studying in groups is also helpful for those times you get stuck
in a repetetive loop, and you find yourself re-reading that same paragraph over
and over again. Keep in mind that group studies are only useful if you've either
got tremendous self-discipline or really boring friends, because otherwise you'll
just end up spending prodigious amounts of time goofing off (John, Barry, you
know what I'm talking about).
Finally, for those of you who haive already begun the panicky crash-course
cramming procedure, I tip my hat off
to you. I really admire your earnest,
dedicated — not to mention last ditch
— efforts at attempting to pass your
class. (For tips on how to cram, check
out issue four). In case you think that
cramming isn't really that useful, you
should think about it this way: you
cram in all that info so that you can
spit it out onto the test paper later on,
which, if you're really lucky, will
result in your having forgotten all of
it by the summer, just in time for
your brain to atrophy while you're
hard at work, earning McMoney at
your Mcjob, cleaning McCounters
and unloading millions of McBuns
from the McTruck at five in the morning. Not that I've got anything against
Mcjobs— right now, Mcjobs look
kinda nice, compared to my current
state of fiscal Irresponsibility in a period of static cash flow.
Still and all, I'd rather be in the
Bahamas. THE
Monday, March 27, 1995
The Drawers of SUS
Kevin Douglas
Senate Shorts
I WOULD like to apologize for not writing regularly on the happenings in
Senate this year, but I won't because there hasn't been too much business as
of late. The February meeting was canceled, so the March meeting will probably
be a real barn-burner. We will be voting on recommendations from the
Academic Building Needs Committee, which have a rather environmentally
friendly tone, which is encouraging. Also on the agenda, we will approve a
bunch of new student exchange programs, some new awards, and the enrollment quotas for next year. A curious proposal comes from the Senate Tributes
Committee, that "graduation hood colours for MASA graduates consist of a scarlet hood with both a white and grey cord." Unless I am mistaken, there appears
to be no such thing as a MASA degree at UBC. It's not in the Calendar.
This year was an eventful one, despite a fairly light agenda. The main effects
that students can appreciate are: a week-long reading break starting in February
of 1996; a new combined Bachelor-Master's program in Electro-Mechanical
Design ('Geers only); an admissions policy that will look beyond grades when
deciding who gets in (initiated by the Faculty of Forestry); the dissolution of the
Department of Russian and Slavic Studies in the Faculty of Arts; and sweeping
changes in two of the University's biggest degree programs, the M.D. and the
M.B.A. There could have been more sweeping changes in the Organization of
the University, but a committee of fourteen people with good ideas is just no
match for a bunch of deans and that university-wide affliction, apathy. Sigh.
Dave Khan is going to be the Science Senator next year. He will sacrifice close
to 200 hours of his busy schedule to see that students are properly represented.
He will discover that the Registrar is the sharpest dresser this university has ever
seen. He will find out what in sereatum means. He will recycle twice his weight
In paper, in all colours ftom^almon-toiilaaJle^will get sickof political correctness. He will enjoy free meals occasionally. He will find out how it feels to be
thick as a brick. Most of all, Dave will vote in the best interests of science students, and inform those students who give a darn.
Bella Carvalho
Jesse Burnett
The year in sports.
WELL.. .ANOTHER year is over! As
far as Intramural sports goes, it
was a huge success. Registration was
up in almost all events. Science was,
yet again, top unit. Congratulations
to all those who participated, and
Results for Storm the Wall weren't
in at the time Blair wanted this article,
but for the first time in a long time,
science had a team going for the Triple
Crown! Hoorah! As for the rebates,
they'll hopefully all be available by the
end of the month.
Next year's sport rep will be Nareeta
Lai. (Good luck, girl!) I'll be moving
on to External VP-ism. Now, if I may,
I'd like to use this space to look back
over a year that I think was, all in all,
pretty darned good.
As one of the least athletic sport reps
to get elected in recent memory, I
started off at a bit of a disadvantage.
SUS managed to have one of the
worst volley-ball teams in the league -
ok, THE worst - but we were often
commended on our spirit. Though
lacking shirts, we were well remembered by most opponents (even when
we played sober!)
The 2 Storm The Wall teams for SUS
were also a lot of fun. Hobbling/sprinting around campus on crutches wearing blue antlers certainly gets attention! And when going over the wall, a
ladder is the key to success!
I would not, however, recommend
attempting to go over the wall 2 days
in a row...especially without practice
and having never gone over before.
Believe me, bruises and pulled muscles
will make going over the wall the 2nd
time really difficult. And kinda painful
(sorry Ryan!) Oh, yeah. And don't
wear sneakers. They're slippery!
Apart from sports, it was also a great
year. There were many things I did
(and DIDNT do) throughout the year
-1 am proud to say there is no incriminating evidence against me (thank
God for tide.) Renovating the office,
calling first years, painting, constructing, meetings, meetings, meetings...
Despite Jesse's many attempts to get
the men in white jackets after me, I
have managed to remain relatively
sane (relative to others in SUS, that is!)
- I'd like to take this Opportunity to
deny anything Jesse's said about me
this past year. It's all lies, I swear!
As you may know, Jesse is leaving
UBC this year. Even though it means
an end to the constant torture she
bestows upon me, I must admit SUS
won't be the same without her.
We first met when we ran against
each other for 1st year rep. She won. I
lost, (ad infinitum). Despite her many
efforts to humiliate me, she's one of
the main reasons I'm still here.
(Thanks!) Even after 2 years, I have
yet to come up with something that
would truly let me get even. Guess
I'm just too sweet and innocent to
think that way, eh Jess?
I always figured we'd both be here
to the end. I can't imagine graduation
day without Jesse there to trip me on
the way to the stage. Then again, agile
as I am, I'll probably fall anyways...
Have a good time in Victoria, Jess.
We'll all miss 'ya!
As for everyone else...good luck on
your exams, and I'll see 'ya in
Sad memoirs of a hack... ?
I REMEMBER that first week before
classes 1993 when I first stepped
into the office of the Science
Undergrad Society, I saw a small group
of people lounging around a 'slightly
cluttered' office and I knew I was
home. Since that first day I have
advanced from a hack (a title I am
proud to have earned within my first
week of school) to a first year rep on
council, to finally becoming the
Internal Vice President of our
esteemed society council. For the past
two years I have spent much of my
time in elections, at tlances, beer gardens, parties, sporting events, the
grandiose office and, oh yes, meetings.
But, alas, I am leaving my beloved SUS
and UBC for my home in Victoria to
pursue my studies elsewhere. If I
could, I would stay at UBC just to stay
in SUS, but the registar's office just
doesn't understand and won't allow
me to be a student without taking any
classes. So this is my final good-bye.
Over the years I have enjoyed many
aspects of SUS. I have been given a
whip (not whipping), I have made
friends, met my first engineer, painted
various objects blue, had donuts delivered after borrowing a^ertain EE president's cardigan, thrown a wine and
cheese where I sampled every wine
before serving it (hiccup), stormed the
wall in blue antlers after riding a tricycle, I have done nothing (FWoS understands), I have accidentally, viciously
attacked engineers on tricycles, held
colossal power over first year students,
run around town looking for alcohol,
twister boards and food, convincing
many individuals at the Pit (including
Bill Dobie) that they owe me a drink,
received many new nicknames including Party Whip and Cuffs and finally
torturing Bella
I first met Bella when I ran against
her for the council position of First
Year Rep. I beat her. Soon after I discovered many methods for driving
Bella to the brink of insanity.
1. Bella turns extremely red when
you claim she likes a guy. She doesn't
even have to like the guy for this reaction to occur. Great torture fun.
2. Giving Bella interesting yet accurate nicknames. Bella Blow ...Fish
(Bella you know the real name) and
Tracy MacKinnon .
Scottie is due to Bella's use of their tissues for personal enhancement reasons (she doesn't really do this that I
know of, but mention it and she turns
3. Following through with constant
reminders of the nicknames. Posters
with pictures and explaining the nickname to everyone (especially engineers), very effective.
4. Arranging a large group of people
to throw Bella in a coffin and nail it
5. Collaborating with someone just
as mean, to poke Bella's midriff (when
its there) rapidly and from all directions so that she is constantly squealing.
6. Constantly pointing out when
Bella's midriff disappears as she is
7. Pointing out that Bella's shoulders
are permanently slanted to the left.
8. Doing imitations of Bella's
famous line "I don't know what you
9. Starting bizarre conversations,
encouraging Bella to join in and then
watching as she constantly puts both
her feet in her mouth.
10. Later quoting all the things Bella
said as she put her foot in her mouth.
11. Always ignoring Bella when she
says "Don't touch me!" arid "Stay six
inches away!".
12. Always giving Bella a little shove
when she looks off balance and laughing as she completely bails.
13. Giving Bella alcohol and laughing as she claims to be sober while she
sits on a guy's lap. Then remind her
later of whose lap she was sitting on.
14. Writing articles in which I list all
my forms of torture so that others can-
continue my legacy.
I know I sound horrible, but I hope
the honest encouragement I gave Bella
is part of the reson she is now
External-Vice President. Never give up
girl. I'll miss you all, especially you
Bella. It was nothing personal I just
thought of you like sister and I knew
you could take it. I hope that all of
you remember me for more than my
belches, tickle attacks and strange
sense of humor. Bye. (Big TEARS)
The Relationship Report
IN CASE YOU haven't noticed yet, I finally managed to ditch the writing of the
AMS report. This past year has been full - AMS meetings have certainly been a
tangible part of my year (meeting after meeting after...). And SUS Council meetings. Executive meetings. AMS committee meetings. First Year Lab Review committee meetings. Faculty of Science meetings. Science Week meetings. It's
amazing I had time to go to class.. Luckily, Public Relations is the slackest job so
I only had one big project for the year which was the Red Cross Blood Donor
Clinic. The Blood Donor Clinic featured "Pint for a Pint" - give a pint of blood
and get a pint of bzzr at the Science Week Dance with 54-40. We managed to
drain 426 pints of blood from you fabulous (albeit slightly paler) people. That's
more blood than we've ever collected before. More meetings. Elections meetings. And that takes us to the last week of school. Executive turnover is this
week so next year you'll have a brand new (okay... actually moderately new)
executive. As ever, come by Chem 160 and say hi. Hope to see you next year! Monday, March 27,1995
Puts in Charge
Or-a thrilling exposi of my year on top.
GUY who got
my old job assures
me that everyone
out there in reader-
land would love to
hear about all those
things I did in my presidency that
kept me from accomplishing (a)
homework, and (b) the stuff I said I
would get done as President (which
hopefully most of you have forgotten
by now). SO here goes:
My Boomerang Gavel Act
As esteemed Chair of the mighty
SUS Council, I had the reins and managed to keep a reasonable hold on
them about one meeting out of every
two. Through the judicious use of
purges and of our gulag at UNBC, I
also succeeded in keeping the military's planned coup d'etat at bay.
Regarding councils, I paraphrase
Eugene Spafford: "A Council is like a
herd of acrobatic elephants with diarrhoea: awe-inspiring, difficult to direct,
and capable of producing mind-boggling amounts of excrement with no
warning whatsoever."
Class Act
I served as Chair of Class Act for the
class of '95. For those who missed it,
Class Act is a graduating class gift campaign wherein science students slated
to graduate this year were contacted,
and asked if they would pledge $150
to this year's gift. Kevin Douglas suggested that we create a fund to maintain and replace UBC Libraries' stock
of scientific periodicals. This gift suggestion met with enough support that
we upped our goal amount from
$15 000 to $25 000. With the invaluable assistance of the Development
Office, we raised over $29 000 worth
of pledges in about ten hours of phoning.
Science Week
Science Week was a success this year
due to the efforts of Laurie Yee and
her Science Week committee, Tracy
MacKinnon and her Blood Drive volunteers, Jesse Burnett and the First
Year Committee, Dave Khan, The
Chump (now appendix-free!) and the
friendly folks at AMS Programs. I got
to be a lackey (opened jars, taped
things down, and donated my requisite pint of B-pos) and just tried to
make sure we didn't get sued for any
of the more provocative things done
by the SUS enforcement wing.
Things began to escalate when a ragtag band of EUS members stole four
trike seats from CHEM 160 (needed for
Thursday's Trike Race) and demanded
a ransom of six bottles of Shaftebury
Rainforest Ale per seat. In retaliation,
SUS called upon its benevolent sponsor Shaftbury Brewing Co. Not wanting to have their fine brews used in
such an underhanded manner, they
assisted us in transforming six bottles
of Cragmont Ginger Ale into twenty-
three very convincing bottles of
"Rainforest Ale." The seats were
returned without our even having to
open the one real bottle for verification.
A trophy had been seized from the
Cheeze Pub the night before, and
unfortunately this capture combined
with the embarrassment of having
been duped out of some beer prompted the EUS to take action, which leads
us nicely into the next section.
Road Trip
The trophy in question was unfortunately the Frat Rat (a large, ugly wood-
carving of a rat in an EUS cardigan) of
Sigma Phi Delta, the engineering fraternity and as big a bunch of macho
priorities-out«o'"Whack assholes one
would ever want to meet (I apologize
for the language, but the only part of
this affair I am bitter about is that I
was physically assaulted, five-on-one,
by a group of dogmatic fuckers so high
on the sanctity of their precious group
ego that they're willing to break the
law. Grow up and get a fucking life
before somebody does decide to press
charges. But I digress).
On the Friday of Science Week, I
was tackled, handcuffed, and thrown
in a van by those cheery beery fellows
of Sigma Phi Delta, and spirited away
to Bumblefuck, BC by the Association
for Engineering Women.
AFEW, obviously familiar with the
Geneva Conventions on the treatment
of prisoners of war, kept me quite well
fed and even made a couple of
attempts to make me talk by paying
for enough alcohol to supposedly get
me completely wasted. I think my
iron will not to reveal SUS secrets surprised AFEW and my metabolic rate
surprised their wallets. Hence, I was
returned to Vancouver and released
early Monday morning. Oh, yeah, and
there's something about being used as
Brad Pitt's understudy in the AFEW
filmfEUSt entry, but I never actually
saw it.
(Note: I did make an attempt to get
the denizens of a karaoke bar up in
arms by announcing that I had been
taken prisoner by these seven young
women and asked if someone could
kindly call the local RCMP detachment. Everyone had a good chuckle
and some yokel at the next table
leaned over and asked "What really
Faculty Teaching Awards
Laurie Yee and I served as the student reps on the Faculty's Teaching
Awards committee (Malcolm
MacMillan, Barbara Dill, John Coury,
Nick Burlinson, John Gosline and
Wayne Savigny were the Faculty reps).
We just made our decisions on this
year's recipients two weeks ago, and it
was one of the more interesting committees I've served on at UBC. I had to
go and evaluate the teaching styles of
the various nominees (I had a little
easier time than the faculty members
in impersonating a student), and it
had the effect of making me atitch
envious in certain cases. The cash
awards and plaques and handshakes
will all be given out at Spring
Convocation (31 May). I'd tell ya the
results...actually, no, I wouldn't.
Never mind.
Netinfo Steering Committee,
Campus Advisory Board on
Computing & Communications
I recently began sitting as the AMS'
rep on these two University committees (which are quite different from
AMS committ—uh, planning groups).
There's not much to say on them,
other than that there is a possibility'
that responsibility for funding Netinfo
may be moved up from the Library to
somewhere else in the Vice-President
Student & Academic hierarchy (and
that apparently ninety minutes once a
month is far too frequent a meeting
schedule for the Netinfo SC).
AMS Renovations Planning Group
I have served as the student-at-large
member of Reno (pronounced renno)
for a year, after serving as a council rep
to it for a year and a half. It's a happy
fun committee, where nobody gets
too ticked off at each other (except in
the last few weeks with the new executive, when their political will tends to
clash with our administrative won't).
The big tiling that has occupied most
of Reno's time this year are the
upcoming salvo of SUB renovations
(Summer '95: Main concourse & conversation pit. Summer '96: SUB
Cafeteria & the basement. Summer
'97: Second floor & courtyard). The
new AMS Director of Administration,
Am Johal, has some spiffy plans for
the whole thing in his office (SUB
254), so why not go by and check 'em
Well, that's all there is (da da da da,
there ain't no more...). I'm issuing
warning that I'm about to get weepy
and nostalgic, so go back to taking
notes if you don't want to hear it.
I've had a lot of fun since I got
roped into SUS back in the first week
of first year (yes, alfnost four long
years ago). It has all, however, come to
an end. In that space of time in which
I went from being resident keener to
resident geezer, I've learned at least as
much as I did in my degree program,
and I've made some friends I'll keep
for life (and some enemies that I suppose I hope will someday drop their
grudges, hopefully at roughly the
same time I drop mine).
Tracy MacKinnon is already embarrassing the hell out of me by being
able to answer questions about SUS,
etc that I couldn't answer after a year
in the presidency; I guess that's as
good a sign as any that her SUS is
going to be as different from mine as
mine was from Sarah's, Carmen's,
Gio's, Catherine's, Ari's, Todd's,... I
didn't think I was a stellar prez; there
aren't many of those (but that a few
people think I'm being too hard on
myself for that thought is a small tribute in itself, I suppose). I think in a lot
of ways Tracy'll do a better job than I
did. And I hope some of you get into
SUS and get a closer experience of it.
Faculty of Science, Science Outreach
Science Outreach is now accepting application from students who wish
to volunteer during the summer and/or during the school year. If you
wish to volunteer for any of the following activities: Mentoring, Phone
Campaign, Beyond First Year, Open House, Highschool Outreach,
Science Fair, or other Science Outreach Programs then please complete
an application form. Forms are available from the Dean of Science
Office in Biological Sciences Room 1505. If you have questions, please
contact Carmen at 822-9012 or email at mcknight@unixg.ubc.ca THE       FOUR       THIRTY-   TWO
Monday, March 27, 1995
Tank Guy
mid-life crisis
already, what does
that say about my
life expectancy?
Not that it matters; I'm already
quite senile. For
starters, I've completely lost my
sense of taste. No, I don't dress like
Mr. Furley or anything, I just had to
go to my doctor and ask why everything I eat tastes like cardboard. He
recommended that I stop eating at
McDonald's, and laughed and
laughed... I wondered if I was being
extra-billed for the jokes, because
they weren't worth it.
While the complete loss of a sense
is usually not something to look forward to, in my case it's a real boon.
This is because my two roommates
and I are the unholy trinity of cooking: The Garlic, the Fish and the
Vindaloo.Naw.Lcan enjoy my,,
roommates' leftovers without worrying about my taste buds packing up
their belongings, leaving only a
note: "Food lousy. Brain stupid.
Forward mail to spleen."
And before you go and laugh at
my misfortune, consider the consequences of openly rejoicing in
another's misery. Trust me, the guilt
will get you later. Take, for example,
my friend who sneezes when the
sun comes out.
Every time the sun sneaked out
from behind a cloud she would be
overcome by fits of sneezing. I found
it pretty funny and joked about
what would happen if the moon
came out (yawning) or if the planets
lined up (ears wiggle) or - God forbid
- she was to wind up in the audience
during a production of Hair ("Leeeet
the sun shiiiine") Well, I figure we're
all pretty much overcome by conniptions in that situation anyway.
Fact is, after mocking her theory
that the sun and sneezing could
actually be related, I find out that it's
a genetic condition whereby the cranial nerve that causes her iris to contract also triggers a sneeze reflex.
Okay, so I apologized a bit. Grovel,
Essentially, I have to come to
terms with a new personal rule of
conduct: think first, then open the
gob and speak. Sure it's taken me
decades to learn this mostly simple
rule-of-motith, but once these strategies are cemented into my brain and
lifestyle there's no turning back.
Here's some more I've added to the
arsenal of how-to-live-without-look-
1) Check your teeth, shirt and
shoes before you leave the
house. There's nothing more
embarrassing than getting to class
and realizing that what you had for
breakfast has been a well-known fact
to passengers for the duration of the
bus ride over. You lose respect if you
look like a dung beetle who has lost
interest in his work and really let
himself go.
2) Don't babble. Nobody wants
to hear about the fact that two of
my great-uncles were captured in
World War II, one by falling out of
the side-gunning hatch of a RAF
bomber, landing in Germany behind
enemy lines and eventually being
sent from the Eastern regions where
he worked in labour camps to the
Western areas in The Long March,
along with tens of thousands of
other prisoners from Britain and the
US in an effort to escape the
Russians. Or' that the other one fell
off a runabout in the Pacific, eventually to be captured by a Japanese
submarine and... Damn. I'll have to
practise this one.
3) Knowing every line from
all Monty Python sketches and
movies ever made is not a skill
that will pick up chicks, like in
carloads. Sorry, it's true. Unless
your perfect woman is one who
knows as many lines as you do. In
which case, you're on the right track
and keep up the good work, (wink-
wink, nudge-nudge) Yeh, right.
4) Do not mock those who are
weird, have bad haircuts, can't
eat nuts, or can't eat cats
because of religious conviction.
No matter how tempting.
5) When you get into a relationship with a bright and
pretty young lady, and you
think it's too good to be true,
go out of your way to ensure
that her boyfriend approves.
And then end it. I know I do. Shame
on me.
6) Dishes must be washed
before the sink reaches critical
mass. This phenomenon takes place
when the dishes themselves prohibit
the cleaning process. The condition
can be predicted when dishes are
stacked so high that they are at risk
of falling off of the 'event horizon'.
I have seen the light. And I have
And there's these astronomers
who discovered a new galaxy or two,
quite in our backyard. This is the
equivalent of finding a Winnebago
in your living room, and explaining
that while it was there all the time
you just had never looked in that
direction before.
I have the same problem.
-frorrvtU 4J&.
All I really need to know about
how to live and WHat-tb do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school
mountain, but therein the sahdpile at Sunday School. These are
the things I leaned • The big blocks ane pretty .good weapons.
Red crayons te^e y|ry much ilie same as blue ones. It is possible
to use Elmer's glue to cement a friend's nostrils shut. People with
their nostrils cemented shut sound goofy when singing "Farmer
in the dell". Picking your nose after fingerpainting allows you to
see many more colours than were originally on your palette. •
You have to run pretty fast to escape the mean fifth-graders who
want to add your teeth to their charm bracelets. You can rob the
teacher blind by putting tons of Dimetapp™ into her grapejuice
and waiting for her to nod off. Naptime is the best time to swipe
lunch money from colleagues. • It is fair and appropriate to
mock the kid who has to carry his underpants home in a paper
bag. You have to learn to play with yourself before you can play
with others. Everything dies (except for George Burns). Don't
stick pencils in your ears. Don't stick pencils up your nose. Don't
stick pencils up your... well, just watch where you stick those
pencils, okay? • Snitches can't cry if you bludgeon them into a
confused stupor with abovementioned block. Bloodstains are
easily explained away as red fingerpaint. • And it's still true, no
matter how old you are - you're just a little insignificant snot
who should obey the bigger kids lest they decide to whack you
one upside the head.
Ever since early childhood it was
obvious that I wasn't going to hit
my head on many doorways. Small
stature, combined with a
chameleon-like skill to blend into
my Surroundings earned me the
nickname "The Phantom". There is
no worse feeling than one of being
tripped over, completely unnoticed
or unserved at bars because you
can't be seen over the counter.
Actually, there is one thing that
makes it worse. That's when your
girlfriend who is already a half-foot
taller dons heels and takes you dancing. That's it! You're doomed!
Subsequent photos must be
destroyed. And if she makes fun of
you, just look her straight in the
clavicle and say: "Heeeyyy. Waaaah!"
And sob like a woman. Works fer
And it's not something you expect
to see: the short (but svelte) hero
swoops down in his Harrier, jumps
into the piranha-infested stream,
swims like a bugger to the minefield
on the other side to fight off six
dozen rabid ninjas and his fifth-
grade math teacher to finally rescue
the girlfriend who asks if he has an
older brother she could date.
But a dwarf can dream, can't he?
See you at thtvhfarhr Monday, March 27,1995
The Last Word.
I'M NOT normally
one to contradict
current conventional wisdom, but
Life, I'm afraid, is
nor like a box of
Chocolates are relatively sweet and inexpensive, and it's
actually quite simple to determine
what you're going to get. This is usually accomplished either by merely reading the label (c^mon, Forrest, even you
coulda figured that one out), or by
sticking your thumb in the bottom of
each chocolate and putting the yucky
ones back in the box.
Life, on the other hand, is truly
unpredictable. Sticking your thumb in
the bottom of life is a tough one to
grasp (and actually sounds a little disgusting, given the correct figurative
context), and life generally tends to
come without any kind of labels,
instructions or general liability disclaimers whatsoever. To say nothing
of the fact that one can take back stale
chocolates with relative ease; however,
if the life one gets is not to the consumer's satisfaction, the manufacturer's exchange policy is murder, ha ha.
Truth to tell, I'mpretty happy with
my particular lot. Granted, it's certainly potwhat I expected either; it's
-amazing exactly how far I am now
from wherefpredicted myself ^at this
time five years ago.
When Iffrst came to UBC, I had a
Grand Plan. It was simple: do three
years of my undergrad in Science,
wreak havoc on the Dean's Honours
Lists and get into med school at 21.
Sure, I'd heard about how much fun
university life was, but how much dif-
Blair McDonald
Graeme Kennedy
Roger Watts
Ryan MeCuaig
John Hallett
Matt Wiggin
Glen Stokes
jay Garcia
Tessa Moon
Leona Adams
plus all our contributors
over the year
Vol 8 • 1995
ferent could it be from high school?
I'd managed to have fun there and
still get the 98:8% average necessary to
get into UBC. Just three more years of
the same.
Well, that was the idea, anyway. In
theory, I should have been finishing
up second-year med by now. My five-
year plan seems to have gone the way
of most of Stalin's five-year plans; that
is, ending up somewhere very different from the original target. The parallels between my life and the plans of
historically unfavourable dictators
pretty much end there, though, as the
only purges I conducted involved the
lives of millions of my own neurons
and liver cells, respectively subjected
to the gulags of biochemistry and malt
So as it is, I'm now finishing up my
hard-earned degree in General Science
and trying like hell to get into law
school instead. Not to nay-say a career
in Science or anything, though. I
rather like Science. I've been doing it
ever since I was in Grade 8, and I'm
rather proud to receive a B.Sc. degree
(knock wood). But I'm also proud to
say that University Life has bestowed
upon me its most vital and essential
gift. And it wasn't to teach me how to
titrate acids.
(Incidentally, it wasn't to teach me
how to chug a glass of beer in 2.19 seconds, but that happened somewhere
along the way, too. Bonus.)
You ever really wonder why this
place exists? Universities are generally
regarded as a benchmark step forward
in the evolution of civilization, hot
only because they represent an arena
of higher learning, but also because
they serve to broaden the horizons of
the individual. It used to be that you
generally had your ideas about things,
and if someone didn't like 'em, well,
balls to them. But with the advent of
the university, ideas and concepts
from all walks of life were made available for consideration, although the
balls-to-them mentality still makes a
decent living for itself here and there.
And that's the point of this whole
spiel. In fact, it's the point of this
whole paper, and this whole institution for that matter. A lot of people
view university as a ticket to a job, no
more and no less. Get in, put down
your four years and get out with more
employability than you had when you
started. But while today's world does
require a realistic and practical outlook, the best things university have
to offer are so often left unexploited.
This place exists in order for you to
broaden your mind. This applies not
only in terms of knowledge, but also
in terms of experiences, social skills
and an appreciation of the Other
minds and bodies that make up the
society into which you are about to
enter* The reasonthe brightest young
minds come to university is not just to
leam job-related techniques and idea§.
You're also here to share your knowledge and experience with others, and
to benefit from the same of theirs.
You're here to explore different
avenues of thought and learn about
aspects of society and the professional
world you never knew existed.
And I'm happy to say that I've benefited greatly from those explorations.
When I came here, I thought I wanted
to be a doctor, plain and simple. But
in five short years, in addition to that
stepping-stone B.Sc. I was after, I've
also learned about things like desktop
publishing, politics and administrative
management. I've learned piles about
other peoples and cultures as well,
which will surely prove an asset down
the road. And I've learned even more
about socializing and getting along
with your fellow man (or woman -
mustn't forget tfwtpart).
The bottom line of all this is that it
opened my eyes to other options, and
I'm richer for having known them. I
liked some of them so much, I had an
entire change of career plans. And that
awareness of what surrounds you -
and how to use it - is the best gift university can give you. Which explains
why my favorite quote comes from
Mark Twain: "A good student never
lets studying interfere with his education." Words of wisdom. Don't confine your learning to the classroom.
Thaf s just the tip of the iceberg.
So thaf s it. My apologies for being
largely unfunny through most of that,
but hey, if s my last kick at the cat and
I had a few things to say. As of print
time, my career in satirical commentary is over - lor now - and The 432 is
hiring, so get in here. You leam more
than you bargain for in this line of
work, trust me.
And with that, thanks and goodbye.
To Leah: Hi sweetie (I promised I'd
mention her - am I a fop or what?),
and to the rest of you, it's been a slice.
Oh yeah... Dr. Strangway: Thanks.
Despite what other people may say, I
know I got my money's worth. And
Our final messages.
Our new number one rule: Don't believe a word we've said all this year, 'cause
almost nothing we've ever printed has been the truth.
We can't believe any of you bought that Rolling Stones; crap.
John thinks there's no point to life if you don't keep score.
Graeme thinks. Sometimes, anyways. No, really!
Roger thinks it's time for dinner. Deep thoughtyjRogl
Blair thinks it's about bloody time thi$ volume was completed.
Have a great summer. We'll try not to think of you.
See ya in September


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