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The 432 Mar 8, 2005

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Array VOLUME EIGHTEEN ISSUE TEN
8th MARCH 2005
Written
Itte^feon)
Wl '*
l®wte ®Gn) (SQrifeO© ©Of1 flw§>
'Why the fuck are all these recycling bins in my office?!? There's fucking dozens! And what's with the 70s porn?'
-Spencer Keys
AMS Introduces Impenetrable       Shit Wreck'd!
Protection On Wheels
Money spent on UPass sparks student driver jealousy
Money spent on UPass sparks student driver jealousy
(Reuters, Vancouver)
In another effort to keep students "safe"
and taunt sustainability at the same
time, the new AMS executive unveiled
plans last week for an additional service to
be made available to students. The new initiative was spearheaded by VP Academic
Gavin Dew, who explains, "We have the
UPass and that costs a lot of money. Unfortunately it's only the public transit commuters who see any benefit. That's why I
suggested this new program, so that driving commuters would feel included in the
AMS' exorbitant spending. Oh, and the
new program being planned is called
Safedrive."
As many students know, the AMS has
been providing a foot patrol service for
years. The service known as Safewalk
accompanies anyone walking late at night
on campus. In a similar manner, the
Safedrive service will provide even more
security and peace of mind by protecting
students as they drive home.
AMS Safety Coordinator Paul Sutton
backed the plan. "The roads are a dangerous place, and we felt that letting students
drive home unprotected was just unacceptable," he stated. "We won't sit idly by
while students risk their lives on their
drive home - not on my watch!" Currently,
the plan calls for the purchase of 28
armored vehicles, at a cost of over $1.8 million.
According to Sutton, the bright red vehicles will work in groups of six, traveling in
convoys with the car to be protected. They
will be directed to crush anything imped
ing the path of the Safedrive client. Sutton
also explained that they "have thought of
the problem where two Safedrive users
could arrive simultaneously. In those
cases, we let the Safedrive volunteer drivers pick. That way it's a surprise and the
drivers get to have a little fun picking who
gets crushed and who lives."
Above: New AMS program will keep
(most) students safer on the roads.
Among the specialty features that the new
Safedrive will be equipped with are caltrops, the small spiky shards designed to
pop the tires of aggressive tailgaters, cloaking capabilities, to ensure that unsuspecting targets remain that way, and heavy-
duty flamethrowers, to deal with icy road
conditions as well as those annoying
squeegee kids.
Gavin Dew seems confidant that the
proposition will succeed. "We feel that this
is a necessary step to ensure the safety of
all UBC students. And now that I'm finally
being noticed by the media, let me also say:
ladies, this VP Academic is hot and rarin'
to go. Do the Dew!"
(AP, Vancouver)
Students were stunned this week when
UBC announced that a colossal
sewage treatment facility is to be constructed on Wreck Beach. With groundbreaking to occur in early April, the university seems to have avoided any form
whatsoever of student consultation.
UBC administration have issued a press
release declaring the rationale for their
decision. A copy obtained by The 432
seems to be completely unintelligible, literally just a jumbled collection of phrases
such as "sustainable development towards
a motivationally inclusive global citizenship", "dynamic uses of exciting sewage,
pushing towards exciting transparent
responsibility", and on the final page just
the word "sewage" repeated in boldface
hundreds of times.
Plans of the facility were shown to engineering grad student Henderson McPhee.
"A facility of this size is capable of processing the sewage from perhaps 9 or 10 million households, it's enormous" he
declared "I just can't overemphasize this,
it's probably the biggest building of its
kind in the world."
Raw sewage is to be dehydrated and then
burned, a controversial process which pro
duces a modest return of energy at the cost
of massive environmental damage. UBC
Plant Ops Engineer Henry Lunson was
asked why this process was used rather
than more sustainable options. "Good
question!" he said, and then began
thoughtfully munching on the carcass of a
baby seal. After several painfully awkward
minutes of this, he finally added, "You see
the massive Walmart to be constructed in
the endowment lands will require tremendous quantities of energy, some of which
will be provided by burning feces. It's a
beautiful idea really, burning your crap to
sell you crap."
Wreck Beach enthusiasts have been outraged by the slated construction. Smoke
will be expelled by the plant 24 hours a
day, smothering the beach in a thick, foul
smelling blanket that will reduce visibility
to near zero. Additionally, when the fecal
burners are running at maximum capacity,
excess raw sewage will be released directly into the ocean. Administrators have
reassured concerned students that the
beach will still be safe to use for at least a
couple of days a week, so long as they
don't go into the water.
Plant Ops plans to follow up this project
with several more plants to be erected over
the Grassy Knoll, and McKinnis Field.
Stuff:
Elections Candidate Info Pages 4-6
Horoscopes Page 2
Sheep Sex Page 3
SUS Awards Page 8
Making Fun of Idiots Page 9
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.cheston.com/pbf/)
SS
"4n
OhGramps. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
8th March 2005
Volume Eighteen
Issue Ten
8th March 2005
Strontium
Jon Lam
Actinoid Series
Dan Anderson
Dennis Yoo
Colleen Atherton
Varun Ramraj
Chris Baitz
p-Block
Jo Krack
Jeff Prowse
Kiran Bisra
Cameron Funnell
Jonathan Adair
Jonathan Lam
Dan Anderson
Nicholas Gurewitch
SUS Executive
SUS Executive Wannabes
Printed by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is publication of the Science Undergraduate Society of The
432 is publication of the Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC. We
are not responsible for misuse of
this paper; including but not limited
to usage as instruments of arson,
assault, armed robbery, impaired
driving, rape, murder, fraud and
gross indecency. This issue is made
from 100% recyclable materials.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and should contain the author's
name and contact information.
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
Written In The Stars
Dan Anderson
Do what I say. I know all.
Aries (Mar. 21 - April 19)
Plastic viking hats do not count as power ties. Stop wearing them
to meetings before you get fired.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Men are from mars, women are from venus. We have no fucking
clue what planet /you're/ from.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Your power level is over a million! Impossible!
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Don't come prematurely. Timeliness is next to godliness, after all.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Just because auto-erotic asphyxiation has the word "erotic" in it
doesn't mean that your lover will let it count as adequate foreplay.
Oregano (Sept. 4 - February Never)
There once was a lady from Venus, her body was shaped like a
mangled pile of molten flesh, exposed to the highly toxic and
corrosive gasses in the Venusian atmosphere.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You're treading on thin ice. Now put on some House of Pain and,
as the saying goes, "Jump Around."
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You share a birth-month with Yagar, the king of the Orcish peoples. This grants you +2 to Str at the cost of -2 to Int and Cha.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21,433 AD)
Run! Run! The Huns are invading!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Your discovery of a new way to make paper-thin computer monitors is brilliant, but vastly ahead of it's time. You will not live to
see the Panasonic CrayonScreen make it big, but it will eventually capture over 80% of the under-5 demographic.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
(Brought to you by the Hitachi Magic Wand)
You love to love your loving machines,
The wall-plug one is just a dream.
Your neighbours though are sick of screams
And wish that you would cease to cream.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You have finally come of age - now for the love of everything
holy, please stop asking us to boot for you.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You'll spend the entire bus ride tomorrow morning trying to get
away from the stinky old creep, only to realize that you forgot to
put in your contacts, forgot to shower, and have been running
from your bus-window reflection. Good job.
Trigonal Bipyramidal (Dec. 52 - Tuesday)
Your pentacoordinate geometry will make it hard for you to get
far in life. Guard your axial ligands as you would guard your
life... or your wife... or a knife... because people will try to take
them away from you. When your mother tells you she loves you,
she is lying.
BioSoc. presents:
Krispy Kreme on Mar.18th, 2005
from 10am - 2pm
J1.00 for one and $10.00 for one dozen
Available at SUB, IRC and Buch. 8th March 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Beware Sheep Sex
Jo Krack
Warm and fleecy
Part of my job here in Japan involves,
as it does for almost every native
English speaker in this country, English teaching. I use the term "teaching"
very loosely, as I have great respect for
teachers who've actually earned that title.
I, on the other hand, have no formal training, but I speak English, so surely I must be
qualified to teach it, right? With that logic,
I am dispatched twice a month to an after-
school center, where I attempt to teach
fragments of English to hyperactive, feral
children who are much happier playing
"Punch Your Neighbour" than "Duck
Duck Goose." And really, who can blame
them?
The problem is that first of all, I have no
training in "English as a Second Language" (ESL) teaching methods, let alone
teaching children, and second of all, these
kids aren't ESL learners in the first place...
they're EFL, which stands for "English as a
Foreign Language" and not "Evil Frolicking Lilliputians," as I initially thought. For
the majority of these charming little elementary school angels, English is something their parents want them to learn, like
math and science, not something they can
actually imagine having any practical use
for. In their world, all English speakers are
English teachers, and who wants to communicate with them anyway? Sure, they
might wish they'd paid attention by the
time they're teenagers and want to travel
abroad or watch Hollywood movies without having to read the subtitles, but what
eight-year-old really believes they'll turn
into a teenager anyway? I sure didn't.
Besides, once those Pokemon-obsessed
children flee my class, they're once again
surrounded by the English-free world they
know and love. School? Japanese. Home?
Japanese. Playing with friends? Japanese.
TV? Japanese. Sure, they see stuff written
in English here and there, but I doubt
they're driven to ponder the meaning of
the t-shirt that proudly proclaims "Get the
Precision Invisible Dipwave." Due to the
prevalence of such mangled English (nicknamed "Engrish" by a popular website
displaying a variety of hilarious examples
- www.engrish.com), most Japanese people are surprised when I explain that in
English, you can't "let's" a noun or a verb
in "ing" form. No "Let's playing!" No
"Let's soccer!" No, no, no... let's leaving
English alone, OK?
All things considered, it's much more fun
for me to teach English to self-motivated
Can I just skip the
make up lab?
Jon Adair
Stabbity stab
Jon enrolled once in a lab:
"Organic Chemistry"
He didn't pause to fear because
He'd learned 'optimistry'
Ignorantly unprepared
Jon's notebook lacked instruction
Unheeding warnings from that morning's
Lecture introduction
Dr. Cliff seemed adamant
When telling us to try
To prevent experiments
On anyone nearby
So Jon came into the lab
Breathing ether vapour
He didn't mind the undefined
Meaning of standard taper
His glassware apparatus
Was built unsafe, unsound
Unimpressed, he cleaned the mess
He soon found on the ground
Jon surmised he was behind
But he was a slow learner
He felt the need for reflux speed
And grabbed a bunsen burner
He should have researched all the stats:
Flash points, autoignition
Instead Jon flew a foot or two
(Not of his own volition!)
Dr. Cliff surveyed the scene
The air began to clear
He had to sigh and wonder why
This happened every year
Jon's remains were moved aside
Beneath him was a tray
His product remained purified
And so he got an "A"
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE:
SUS is currently looking for interested individuals to fill the positions of Room Managers and
Webmaster for the next academic year. While
these jobs are not as flashy or impressive on a
resume as some of the "elected" positions you
hear about, they are nonetheless important ex-
officio members of the society. The jobs also have
some added perks that puny normal students
don't get. If you're interested at all, please feel
free to email sus@interchange.ubc.ca
adults, so twice a week, I volunteer with
adult English clubs. They're all there to
learn English, but I end up learning a lot
too. For example, I use far too many
idioms. And casual speech is tricky: how
should they be expected to know that "so
he's all like" or "so then he goes" both
mean simply "he said"? "How's it goin'?'"
or "How's life?" both sound very different
from "How are you?", too. It's not hard to
believe that two non-native English speakers find it a lot easier to understand each
other than to understand a native English
speaker... I'm aware that very little of
what I say on a daily basis has any chance
of ending up in an English textbook.
The best part, however, is teaching them
all that's unsaid. For example, in a recent
English club meeting, one member
brought in a joke he didn't understand. It
goes like this: a tourist is walking around
Scotland, and meets a Scottish man with a
dog, a horse, and a sheep. The tourist asks,
"May I speak to your dog?" The Scot
replies, "Are you crazy? Dogs can't talk!"
But the tourist goes ahead and asks the
dog, "How's it going?" and the dog
promptly replies, "Pretty good." The Scot
is shocked, and the tourist proceeds to
have a conversation with the dog about
how it's treated, etc. Next, the tourist asks,
"May I speak to your horse?" The Scot is a
little wary, but confidently replies, "Horses can't talk!" The tourist asks the horse,
"How are things?" and the horse replies,
"Fine, thanks." They proceed to have a little conversation about how the horse is
treated by its owner, while the Scot looks
on in amazement. Finally, the tourist asks,
"May I speak to your sheep?" The Scot
quickly replies, "The sheep's a liar!"
Now, how do you explain to the class
which, by the way, includes some of your
senior co-workers, that the Scot is afraid
the sheep will reveal itself to be his sex
partner? "There are more sheep than people in some countries," I explain, "so we
naturally make jokes about those people
having sex with sheep." Silence. OK,
maybe that's not such a natural conclusion
to draw. I keep trying: "Uh, not that they
do, of course... well, I guess I don't honestly know if they do or not... but, uh,
sheep buggery is a common joke topic. Uh.
Yeah. If a sheep appears in a joke, there's
probably bestiality involved. That's my
culture, folks!" In the end, the class still
doesn't get it, and I'm left feeling quite
sheepish (pun not intended). Obviously,
the next intercultural event I plan for the
community will have to have a section
explaining the rich history of man-sheep
lovin' as a source of comedy. Come on
everyone, let's sheep-loving!
DEMOCRACY IS
UNDEH ATTACK!
jft;
IT NEEDS YOUR HELP:
VOTE IN THE 2005 SUS
EXECUTIVE ELECTIONS!
BECAUSE REMEMBER:
IF YOU DON'T, THAT MEANS YOU HATE FREEDOM
VOTING BEGINS MARCH 15™ AND ENDS
MARCH 22nd VISIT WWWSUS.UBCCA
FOFl MOFIE DETAILS Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
8th March 2005
SUS Executive Elections
President
Patricia Lau
Hi Everyone! As your SUS President last year I
am really looking forward to continuing on and
getting even more done! This year I want to l)con-
tinue work on the Undergraduate Education
Experience Project (a proposed annual student
survey used as a report card for the Faculty), 2)get
the ground broken for that (behind schedule but
amazing) social space building and 3)increase
communication within the society. Additionally,
with University Town looming over us and the
new partnership with UBC-O being formed, I will
continue to be a strong voice representing student
opinion to the AMS and the university.
VP External
Jonathan Lam
You may be asking yourself, "Why should I vote Jon Lam for
SUS Vice President External?" Well, his qualifications for the
job are threefold:
1) He likes Science: can sing the element song unaided in its
entirety on command
2) He likes SUS: has experience working with Council as
General Officer as well as the Executive Committee as Director of Publications
3) He likes Students: has never been aoouocd convicted of killing
any fellow students
You know, I can't think of anyone better to manage SUS
sports activities than someone who actually plays them!
That's right, someone like ME! Not only do I LOVE playing
sports I loved coaching a high school volleyball team for 2
years. I'm clearly someone with experience and passion when
it comes to this type of thing. Elect me, and I'll ensure all your
sports cravings are met (including but not limited to: volleyball, soccer, tennis, football, AND BADMINTON!!). So score
the winning goal by voting JAMIL RHAJIAK as Director of
Sports!
Amin Sabzerari
I am running for Director of Sports, a vital position in the Science Undergraduate Society. Science students constitute a
very active community, and it is important that they are kept
aware of the various Intramural sports and activities available at UBC. I will provide rebates for registered science
teams, and I will make sure outstanding SUS athletes receive
their due attention.
Edmond Tung
Hi my name is Edmond Tung and I am running for Director
of Sports. The reason why I am running is because I feel, and
I hope you agree that this is the perfect position for me. I hope
you consider that I have all the qualities to become an effective director. I'm responsible, reliable, organized and hardworking. I will commit 110% and will participate willingly on
school related events even if I have to miss getting my facials
and spa treatments. So make sure you DO IT! And tell your
friends to DO IT too! I mean vote you sicko.
VP Internal
Kiran Bisra
Why vote for me? My record speaks for itself. I helped organize
the Undergraduate Research Night, and humiliated prestigious
faculty through the Professor Talent Show. I am an Imagine
Squad Leader and a Sci Team member. In the summer, I was
hired by the Faculty of Science to develop a survey to gain valuable student feedback about the allocation of tuition money.
Currently I am working with the university to develop an
Undergraduate Research Opportunities Network. As Internal, I
will centralize Undergraduate Research Opportunities information and create a website that provides YOU information about
NSERC eligibility, Work Study, Co-op etc.
Gabriel Hung
Hey, my name is Gabriel Hung and I want to be your VP internal. I will build great relationships with first years and aid them
in planning events. I will also promote SUS leadership and teaching excellence awards. I will approach the Dean of Science with
your academic concerns and ideas and make things happen.
My Experiences include:
-Co-Treasurer of First Year Committee, SUS (02/03)
-Academic Committee Member, SUS (02/03)
-3 years of SUS council experience as:
-CSP Representative, General Officer, MISA representative
-Imagine UBC Squad Leader
-2005 UBC Student Leadership Conference Program Coordinator
-AMS Speakeasy Peer Counsellor
Director of Sports
Jamil Rhajiak
Andres Ruberg
I have been serving the Science Undergraduate Society for the
past 4 years gaining experience that would make an excellent
VP Internal. This year I helped organize the first Science Week
Scavenger Hunt and am helping create a mentorship program
for First Year physics students. As Vice Chair on the Academic
Committee (2002-2003) I aided in drafting the Student Leadership Award document. I was even a keen first year, proxying
for SUS Executive at AMS meetings. Please cast your vote for
Andres Ruberg, someone with drive, commitment and a strong
concern for the academic and social welfare of Science students!
Aaron Sihota
Hey there! I'm Aaron Sihota serving on SUS Council as the
EOS Department Representative and an elected member of 4
committees this year including Academic Committee and being
Vice-Chair of Science Week 2005 as we raised over $7000 in
sponsorship and prizes. If elected VP Internal, I'll make
processes involving the Science Social Space Project more transparent to students and push for the beginning of its construction as Science students have paid over half of its cost!!!. Slated
to finish by spring 2005, also housing a 24 hour study space,
construction has not begun yet!!l. Vote Aaron-the good guy!
Director of Finance
Chris Baitz
I'm a fourth year Biophysics student and I feel I would be a
good Director of Finance. I have a lot of experience, as I have
been a bank teller for three years and I have been the Treasurer of the Biophysics Student Society for two years. I am
currently the Physics/Astronomy Representative on SUS and
have helped with Imagine UBC for the last three years. I
enjoy being a part of UBC and would like to help everyone
else have a good time as well.
Francis Moon
I strongly believe I am the candidate who can bring accountability and integrity to our society's $400,000 annual budget.
Entering my third year of involvement with SUS, some of my
past experiences include General Officer, Department Representative, ISSA Communication Director and CSPA Club
Treasurer. As Director of Finance, I plan to make clubs more
accountable for their spending by creating an impartial committee to examine, and follow up on, proposed budgets. I also
plan to expand club grants, and will efficiently and effectively allocate funds in the best interest of science students to
make your SUS fee work for YOU. 8th March 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
2005 Candidate Info
Public Relations Officer      Social Coordinator
Alison Bennett
Hey, I'm Alison, a fourth year biochem student
returning to the wonderful world of science at
UBC for one last year. What would make it that
much more exciting would be to spend it as your
public relations officer. I know all about Science at
UBC and would like to bring this experience to the
SUS exec. But more importantly, as PRO, organize
charity events. I think the way to go is to involve
profs and maybe get some interfaculty competition going. I've got some ideas that I would love to
put into action, so vote for me.
Sean Kearney
Diana Diao
Got a story to tell but not getting enough publicity?
Wanna be more informed about employment and
volunteering opportunities? Enthusiastic, efficient,
and very hard-working, I will act as the liaison
between Science students and other organizations. I
am already playing active roles in organizations
such as the UBC Learning Exchange Trek Leadership Network and the Tri-mentoring Program. If
elected, I am hoping to establish and promote various networks for Science students in areas such as
community service, employment opportunities,
leadership, and global citizenship. So GET CONNECTED, vote for me as the Public Relations Officer in the upcoming Elections!
Mike Duncan
Who am I? What am I running for? Why the heck
am I always covered in blue? The answers are just
moments away. My name is Michael Duncan and
I am running for the position of Public Relations
Officer for the Science Undergraduate Society
(SUS). Anybody in this position has the primary
task of promoting SUS. I am very willing to do
anything it takes to promote SUS; I will dye my
hair, paint my body, or shave "SUS" into the back
of my head for the glory of science. Vote for me
and SUS will never be the same.
Dennis Yoo
In my three years at UBC, I find that most do not know
how SUS benefits science students. Did you know:
- SUS gave away an iPod Mini, a Kaplan AND Princeton
MCAT test prep courses during Science Week?
- SUS offers registration rebates for science intramural
teams?
- SUS managed to convince Dr.Comisarow and Bingle to
show their love on stage during the Prof. Talent Show?
As your Public Relations Officer, I will make sure you
know exactly what SUS can do for YOU so you can get in
on the action! Please visit dennisyooubc.tripod.com for
additional detailed information.
Executive Secretary
Lisa Frey
There is no position more compatible with my affinity for
officious paperwork than Executive Secretary. I am dedicated
and diligent down to every detail. Through the Code and Policy, Curriculum, and SUS Improvement Committees, I have
grown familiar with the nuances of our Constitution and
Bylaws, and gained insights into the inner workings of SUS.
If elected, I plan to use the SUS website extensively to allow
convenient access to information such as agendas, minutes,
and updated event calendars. Quite simply, armed with specific knowledge and continuing commitment, I'm here to
ensure smart policy and its efficient execution.
I'm heading into my 3rd year at UBC and I'm
looking to get more involved in campus life and
SUS. I also enjoy organizing outrageous [and profitable] parties - exactly what SUS needs! I am currently the social chairman for Beta Theta Pi Fraternity and have organized many successful events
such as formals, beer gardens, bar parties, and
house parties. Organization, promotion, and originality are key elements of any large social event.
Elect me and the kegs will be cold, the venue will
be packed, and the music won't suck. Tell your
friends, vote Kearney.
Jocelyn Shih
Hello all!
Ready to have a good time? Well then vote me for
SoCo! It sounds like I'm in it for all the beer... but
I'm really not! There's more to being SoCo than the
beer gardens, and being on SUS Council as CSP Rep
this year I know what it's all about. I'm creative,
hardworking and looking forward to an awesome
year coming up, so, if you're like me and wanting to
have some fun... vote Jocelyn for SoCo!
Director of Publications
Colleen Atherton
5'5", blonde hair, blue eyes, 40-28-34
Interests: handlebar mustaches, Monty Python and the Holy
Grail, ultimate Frisbee, illegal climbing activities, and sunny
days.
Dislikes: animal flesh, umbrellas, apathy (especially the student kind), and unimaginative propaganda.
Running for position of: Director of Publications
Lik Hang Li
Do you want somebody who can produce amazing layouts and unbelievable designs?
Do you want posters or banners that are visually pleasing? Then I'm your guy! I can guarantee reliability; I get the job done!
My name is Lik Hang Lee.
I really want to be,
The one responsible,
For the accomplishable,
Publication of the three*.
Trust me with the task
And I will make it last.
Director of Publication,
This is my application.
And this is all I really have to ask.
Vote for me,
Lik Hang Lee!
(*the 432, the Paradigm, and the Guide)
Varun Ramraj
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say
about Varun Ramraj:
A humanoid who wishes for ultimate control of "The
432". He proves his worth by joining committees,
working overtime at events, and spreading good
cheer. Always a presence in "The 432" with his off-beat
articles on Life, the Universe, and Everything, his goal
as Director of Publications is to create a cult for his
team, his publications, and himself. He says: "If I am
Director of Publications, readership of Science articles
across campus will increase unless the Earth gets
destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass!"
DON'T PANIC. Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
8th March 2005
AMS Representative      Science Student Senator
Chris Baitz
I would make a good AMS representative as
I have experience proxying for AMS council
representatives in the past and am familiar
with the way council works. I enjoy being a
part of UBC and I am currently the
Physics/Astronomy Representative on SUS
and have helped with Imagine UBC for the
last three years. I believe that everyone
should know and have a say in what is going
on around campus and as your representative I would be happy to relay any AMS
information to you.
Diana Diao
An AMS Council Representative always
carries with her the best interests of Science
students, and represents them in the AMS
Council. I am someone who strongly
believes in active student involvement,
teamwork, global citizenship, campus and
community leadership, and effective student representation. Your opinion matters
a lot to me! Please voice your opinion at the
upcoming SUS Elections, and vote for me
as an AMS Council Representative.
Mike Duncan
AMS Rep., what the heck do they do? We
just finished voting for the AMS executive,
but there is much more to the AMS then just
the executive. Every faculty gets to have a
certain number of seats on this council to
ensure that you are heard. My name is
Michael Duncan and I want to represent the
faculty of Science on the AMS council. I truly
care about making the AMS more accountable to all students. Vote for me and I will
make sure the AMS listens.
Reka Pataky
As some of you may have noticed, this is
the first time that AMS representatives for
Science have been elected alongside the
SUS executive. This year's reps must therefore be held to a higher standard of
accountability than in the past. My three
years of heavy involvement in SUS, including one year on AMS Council, have made
me confident in my ability to ensure that
the opinions of Science students are heard.
I aim to encourage awareness of AMS
issues by providing regular and thorough
updates through SUS media. Contact me at
reka.pataky@gmail.com with any questions or concerns!!
Aaron Sihota
Hi there once again! Vote Aaron for AMS Rep as
he has contributed to forming a stance on tuition
consultation and if elected will be a strong voice
advocating the concerns and best interest of the
Science Community. Serving as EOS Department
Representative on SUS Council this year, I was a
member of a core focus group addressing an Academic survey on what Science students were
encountering difficulties with in terms of class
size, tutoring services available, and professor
evaluations. I can use the results of this study to
lobby for more resources to the AMS for science
students.
Vladimir Choi
The Senate is the University's highest governing academic body. At such, Science students need effective representation to voice
concerns over the deteriorating academic situation that they currently face.
I am committed to:
1) A standardized and comprehensive teaching evaluation system for professors and TAs
2) Increased transparency so that students
are more informed about undergraduate
research opportunities
3) A policy regarding midterm equality and
hardship
As a SUS councillor and having spoken to
many students on such and other related academic issues, I am prepared to go further and
speak out for all Science students on Senate.
Vlad for Senator!
Kevin Chu
As currently the President of the CSP, I realize the position of Science Senator extends far
beyond the basics of reporting to science students on the activities of the senate. I see my
participation on the SUS exec committee as
more of a free floating exec that will provide
ideas and do the dirty work of the SUS events
as well as leading some events of my own. I
being in my first year of undergrad will mean
that I will have much to learn but I bring
much enthusiasm along with my inability to
construct sentences when excited.
Hassan Elmasri
If you want an AWESOME Science Senator
who can express the views of the normal student and not just the super achievers; better
hope I win. If hoping is not enough, you better go out and vote. The position of Science
Senator comes with responsibilities which I,
HASSAN ELMASRI can fulfill AWESOMELY. I have had a lot of experience with a lot of
different positions and feel like my SUPER
DUPERness will make a totally NEATO year
filled with Senatorial CRAZY COOLNESS.
Science students deserve an awesome Senator; if YOU think they do then VOTE FOR
HASSAN EL MASRI.
Cameron Funnell
Tired of Student Senators who spend more time
hiding their bizarre sex scandals and eating pie
than actually doing their job? Tired generally? Does
it burn when you pee? Prescription: 152 pounds of
Cameron Funnell!! Cameron Funnell has everything you could possibly want in a Senator: Experience (CSP president, SUS Math/Stat Rep, MUG
leader, intramurals), Enthusiasm ("Cameron shut
up!"), and Integrity ("Whoa! I think you undercharged me here!"). Senate is UBC's highest academic decision making body and Cameron Funnell
will ensure that the concerns of science students are
heard. Vote Cameron, and all your wettest/wildest
dreams, will come true.
members.shaw.ca/camforsenate
WEB VOTE
ONLINE AT
http://ssc.adm.ubc.ca 8th March 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
SUS Executive Reports &. Info
Mike Long
VP External
Howdy! Wow, I can't believe this is
my final exec report for the 432!
My term as VP External has flown
by, primarily because of the wonderful
crew that I was fortunate enough to work
with this year. When our executive formed
last April we meshed right away. We
worked very hard, and through our energy, I believe that we set a large precedence
for the way SUS will be run in the future.
We were also very fortunate to have an
open minded and enthusiastic council,
through which we were able to run some
very successful events, and in the end,
enhance our society as a whole (in my
opinion at least!).
To the executive candidates, good luck
with your campaigns! No matter what
position you are running for, it is an
important one to the society, so I hope that
you take it seriously. There is no doubt that
being a SUS executive is time consuming,
stressful, and sometimes overwhelming,
but there is nothing that can top the experience you will have (not to mention the
free food!!).
Other than that, good luck to all on exams.
To all those who are not graduating
(SUCKERS!!!), I wish you all the best with
the remainder of your time studying Science at UBC!
Cheers,
Mike BBH
Andrew Thamboo
VP Internal
This year has come and gone really quick.
I wish I could have been here for one more
year so I could have done more as VP
Internal. SUS has come a long way since
the first time I joined it - 2001 (so long ago).
A new social space for Science students are
on the way, the SUS scholarship for Science students has doubled and we have
really close ties to the Faculty of Science.
I encourage people to join SUS next year.
Its such an awesome experience. The skills
that I have learned and the friends that I
have made will last with me forever. I
would like to thank this year's executive
group (especially stink-bbh) for making
my experience in SUS this year amazing.
WelL.good luck on the exams folks!
Andrew
Patricia Lau
Courtney Campbell
Executive Secretary
Well, sadly, this is the last 432
report I will make as SUS Executive Secretary. On the committee
front, Code & Policy has been quite productive this year, and I am pleased to say
that we have submitted over 20 Code
changes to SUS council as well as numerous changes to the Bylaws. I had a really
great time working with the members of
this committee - the discussions we had
were witty, insightful, and fun.
On the Secretary front, I would have to
say that the year has gone by relatively
smoothy. Yes the SUS computers often
deleted the minutes I had just finished typing up, yes the printer ran out of rink on a
regular basis, and yes the photocopier
tended to break down only when I was in
a hurry and only when the photocopies
were important. But all in all, councillors
were agreeable to work with, which made
up for a lack in such charm and poise
exhibited by SUS stationary and office
equipment.
On the Exec front, I honestly could not
have been happier. This year's Exec team
was a pleasure to work with and a priv-
iledge to be a part of. I don't think that I
will ever again have the opportunity of
working with such a fantastic group of
individuals as fun and dedicated as these
crazy kids. Some of them have gone above
and beyond the expectations of their role
to represent and serve current and future
Science undergraduates - I hope that you
all appreciate and commend them for this
as much as I do.
Alas, I am finishing off my term with a
bang, so to speak, as SUS Elections Administrator. It is iexciting to see so many aspiring Executives as eager as we were when
we all ran 12 months ago. And so, to end
on a happy note, I can assure you all from
my inspection of the prospects that SUS is
going to be in good hands yet again...at
least for another year...tee hee :o)
President
Good luck on those finals! I can't believe
how quickly this year has gone by. I have
had an amazing time with the executive
this year and I think that everyone has
done a fantastic job! So if you see any of
those execs wandering around give them a
good old pat on the shoulder for a job well
done.
On the SUS front, the UEEP survey is
chugging along, although I'm not sure if it
will be coming out this year. Both myself
and the AUS President want to make sure
that the final product is in great shape
before it is released. Check sus.ubc.ca for
further information about the UEEP's status as the weeks progress. Otherwise... the
Science Social Space Project still exists! You
haven't heard much about it from me
because it seems like the status of the project changes every two weeks and I've
never been sure when the last change
would be the last. Anyhow, budgeting
problems still exist resulting in the lack of
construction. However, everyone involved
with the project is eager to have it move
forward as quickly as possible so I'm crossing my fingers that come September 2005
you will all see a hole in the ground. I want
to see that darn building built as soon as
possible so that all of us can make use of it.
Also, don't forget to vote in those elections! Let's get another great exec for this
coming school year.
And lastly, a big thank you to (in alphabetical order) Andrew, Anna-Marie,
Courtney, Dave, Jon, Justine, Mike, Reka
and Vanessa for an absolutely wonderful
year. You all made this year really fantastic
and we had some great discussions and
debates. We all supported each other and I
feel lucky that my year as President went
so smoothly because of the nine of you (as
well as all those great SUS councillors!).
Let's not forget to have our reunion in 10
(or 1?) year(s), stuff ourselves full of all you
can eat sushi, watch another gory movie
about zombies (wait, did I really say that?),
play mafia, and then sleep all squished in
one little room again. You guys are awesome.
Anna-Marie Bueno
Director of Sports
After a rather tumultuous weekend,
for reasons not worth mentioning
here, I am here, with a migraine
and swollen eyes, trying to churn out submit an exec report to submit way past the
deadline. I am very sad to report that this
apparently will be one of my last exec
report submissions for the year...and I will
no longer have the opportunity to ramble
on pointlessly about random nothings in
the 432...oh and nor will I have the chance
to report about Social Coordinator related
issues. Yes folks...my heart is breaking, as
I'm sure yours is too, but we'll get over this
together. It's been a wonderful year.
Thanks for the good times folks. Don't forget to holla atchur girl,  ai_vi@msn.com.
Reka Pataky
Director of Finance
Well, the finances for SUS are looking pretty darn good right now
as the year starts to wrap up, but
I've still had to work hard to keep Dave
from eating (literally) through the last of
the exec budget.
The last of the Science Week donations are
expenses are slowly trickling in, but it definitely looks like this has been the most
successful Science Week yet and the official charity for the week, the Inner City Science Education Initiative with the Vancouver Aquarium, will get a massive donation
(outstripping the $1700  we raised last
year)! Big donations make me happy.
I'll be distributing $4200 in Grad rebates
to our clubs soon, plus an additional $3500
or so in general club grants, once I can confirm that we've received the rebate money
from the Faculty of Science. I'll hold a Budget Committee meeting sometime soon to
give away all that lovely money, so SUS
club reps, keep your eyes on your inboxes.
Lastly, with elections just around the corner, I just wanted to say thanks for letting
me play with SUS money for a year, and
I'm looking forward to working with whoever the new D. of Finance will be to make
next year's budget.
Dave Riendl
Senator
Hi sexy audience, I've been working
very HARD these few hours, you
know, with it being mating season
and all. I've been assigned a project where
I have to observe animal mating rituals
and techniques used by females to warrant
off unwanted sexual advances.
You may be wondering what this has to
do with Senate? Absolutely nothing, but
thinking of the time I spent with Martha
reminds me of my animal mating project.
However, monkey mating rituals have
been well cockumented over the years. My
particular interest centers around monkey
More "Exec" Reports
Vanessa Ho
masturbation and anogentital investigation. You see, it is thought that monkeys
think about Dan Anderson while stroking,
rubbing, and caressing their throbbing
members.
But, my hypothesis is that monkeys are far
more advanced than the average male
commerce student. Monkey sexuality is
more complex, and Dan Anderson's
ambiguous gender doesn't provide enough
stimuli to turn the monkeys on.
Therefore, I believe that the monkeys picture Jon Lam getting off by looking at Gun-
damn while they masturbate or are getting
a handjob. This of course requires further
study, as what they are picturing while
receiving a blowjob is as yet unknown.
Sports Director
Well.. I didn't get my report in on
time, but I've got a really good
explanation. Honestly! Unfortunately I did not submit an explanation
either so my adoring editors have, using
their keen powers of deduction, the skills
of a crack team of CSIs and also a magic 8-
ball, reconstructed the events leading up to
this aggregious error in judgement. Ms.
Vanessa Ho was last seen by coworkers
and a super intelligent campus mutant
squirrel simultaneously (through careful
corroboration of stories) while exiting one
of her classes, in the 'gasp' arts district of
campus. From there, descriptions of a
female slightly resembling young Ms. Ho
have been reported across campus. The
only reliable source has been a team of
over drugged revelers exiting the Pit and
eager to find any excuse to avoid their own
incarceration. She was allegedly boarding
the last sky train to Surrey. If she should
return, she still has overdue library books.
Justine Chan
Public Relations Officer
Honoured Public Relations Officer
for the Science Undergraduate
Society at the University of British
Columbia will be sorely missed by her regular clientele. Remembered most fondly
for her shining sense of fashion, he will
also be remembered for that time he came
out of the bathroom with his skirt tucked
into her pantihose and didn't noticed during his entire class presentation on the
molecular composition of ceiling tiles.
Upon acquisition of "the conch" from the
infamous Lord of the Flies circa grade 11
English, she began shirking his duties
claiming to have delegated them to qualified tribe-mates. Alleged delegations had
increased in number, culminating finally
in her expulsion from Council. Destroyed
by the sudden realization that "the conch"
gave her no magical powers, he withdrew
to a shack on Wreck Beach and as she has
not been seen for six months, he is presumed deceased. Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22nd February 2005
Smelly Skunk, Smelly Skunk
Jeff Prowse
Skunks in the City
also come around, so the skunk could have recruited them to tip
over our garbage cans in the middle of the night and strew trash
everywhere. Unfortunately, that only wakes me up, so I am the
one left to clean it all up.
Well, springtime is finally upon us. And I didn't figure it out by
the nice weather we had for most of February, the fact that my
mind is stuffed full of mostly useless information from my
midterms, or from the fact that people are now wearing less then
they normally do to classes. Nope, I figured it out from the skunk
that keeps coming around and spraying one side of my house
once a week.
I am certain that this skunk has a vendetta against us. Maybe it
doesn't like how loud we are, or maybe it was hired by our landlord once they found out that we had too many people living
here, and it was told to spray liberally all over the house in order
to drive some of us away. That wouldn't surprise me, sketchy animals and sketchy people in cohorts with each other. The raccoons
Nocturnal bastards. Later in the spring, once breeding season
begins, I am sure that there will be an elaborate territorial fight, so
we can look forward to many more sprayings and possibly a
skunk fight or two. If they do fight, I should set up a betting pool
to see which one makes it out alive. If anyone wants in, just let me
know.
Our skunk or skunks seem to have an overly potent smell as
well. It permeated the door and stank up the whole basement in
a matter of minutes, and there weren't any windows open. This
made the opening of the bathroom window a dicey situation
when someone made a stinky. What are you supposed to do in a
situation like that, really? Febrezing doesn't even work because it
isn't strong enough to cover the smells, even though in their
advertising they say that they can eliminate odors. Clearly they
don't try on strong enough smells, the jerks. That should be false
advertising.
Realistically, I don't even see what ecological role these little bastards fulfill in the city anyway, aside from aggravating everyone
who lives in the spray zone. So if anyone knows of a good skunk
killer, let me know. I have a job for them.
ifflfflfflfflfflfflfflffli
The Science Undergraduate Society Presents
The SUS Student Leadership Award
This $250 award is available to any science student who has shown exemplary leadership and contribution to the community. To be eligible, the student must be enrolled in the faculty of science, and have a minimum 65%o average for the current year. Students may nominate themselves. To apply, please fill out a nomination form and attach a recent resume. All nominations are to be submitted to the VP Internal (mailbox in
LSK, room 202) no later than 4:32pm on Wednesday March 16th, 2005. Nominees may also be ashed to
attend an interview with the SUS Academic Committee. Please note that SUS councillors are not eligible for
this award.
The SUS Teaching Excellence Award
This award is intended to recognize outstanding teaching within the Faculty of Science. Students may
nominate instructors from any course offered within science. To apply, please fill out a nomination form. All
nominations are to be submitted to the VP Internal (mailbox in LSK, room 202) no later than 4:32pm on
Wednesday March 16th, 2005.
Nomination forms are available from the SUS Office and Lounge (LSK 202)
For more information, please contact the
VP Internal (Andrew Thamboo) at andrewth83@hotmail.com
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.cheston.com/pbf/)
This is adorable: Hugbot
is trying to install a nucleo-
gravitational hyper-crystal
into his,
capacitor

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