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The 432 Oct 22, 2002

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VOLUME SIXTEEN ISSUE FOUR
22 OCTOBER 2002
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'What the Fuck? I hate like hell to clean up puke; it's going in the [toilet] bowl
-Mike Groves (2002 October 20)
God Forsakes Mankind
Local Resident, Barney Glotz, told to "Build an Ark"
(Vancouver, Reuters)
According to an unnamed source
within the choir of angels, believed
to be either a Seraphim or Cherubim, God has once again forsaken
mankind. The source has also leaked plans
for a catastrophic global flood wiping out
everything except eight people and two of
each species of animal.
When pressed for comment, God reluctantly gave his reasons:
"I am just really sick of you people. I give
you the good life, instill divine spirit, and
what do I get? You people are assholes. I
am sorry; I just had to say it. You are all
really bad drivers, and you still believe in
evolution. Monkeys, my ass."
When asked about breaking his promise
to Noah that He would never again flood
the Earth, God replied, "Noah? He's been
dead for a few millennia. What's he going
to do? If you are going to get the lawyers
out, though, I can always change it to a
flood of fiery magma ... that would cause
some engineering difficulties, however."
Reportedly, one Barney Glotz has also
been approached by God with a contract to
build an ocean-going vessel. The Ark II as it
has been dubbed by the media is to be a
wooden vessel of 300 cubits with an option
for an asbestos hull.
An intern, without any loyalty to her
employer whatsoever, at Glotz's contracting company taped the phone conversation that Glotz had with God:
"Three hundred Q-bits? It could be
decades before we have that kind of quantum computing power," stated Mr. Glotz.
"No. 'Cubits,'" responded God.
"What the hell's a cubit?"
"The length of your forearm."
"Are you joking?"
"Look, it's not hard. Build a boat. You people have wiped out so many species that
just about anything that floats will do."
God has been questioned if more people
than his intended eight will survive
because there are plenty of large sea-worthy vessels in service today.
"Yeah, the nuclear aircraft carriers especially concern me. They can remain at sea
for years. I guess that I'll just have to smite
those one at a time. How tedious."
Another question asked of Him, was
exactly how one causes a global flood.
"Well, it starts with El Nino, but that's all I
am going to tell you because it's a trade
secret."
Reminded that everyone is going to die
anyway, God elaborated, "Well, there is
still a little time left before the flood is
scheduled to occur, and can you imagine
what would happen if George Bush got a
hold of that technology? I am sorry; I really can't tell you."
In related news, Glotz has already re-figured his original price quote.
"Yes, when I got final specs, I realized that
this ark thing is going to cost about $250
million more than I originally estimated.
That is without any of the options God is
considering. Add GST to that, and well, I
guess Jean Chretien's getting a good vacation this year."
The aforementioned intern also leaked
plans for the Ark II, and now a competing
engineering firm has raised serious doubts
about the project.
"I don't know where all of the money is
going, but it sure as hell didn't go into
planning. That vessel is going to be seriously unstable. It's fast ferries all over
again."
Glotz swears by his design, and has invited any naysayers to be guests on the vessel's maiden voyage.
"Um, wait a minute, that doesn't work,"
flustered God. "If those people get on the
boat, them I am going to have to smite
them and all of their descendants again.
That would be a waste of effort."
"But, my reputation . . ."
"Remember, pride is a sin."
"Damn you, God."
"Do you want on the boat or not?"
The projected completion date for the ark
is about October, 2134.
"If Noah took over 100 years, I can too,"
stated Glotz firmly. "Besides, God has limited my work crew to those whom I can
take with me, so it is not like we can whip
this thing up in a week.
"No site capable of holding and loading
the animals has been located, yet either, so
construction might be put back even
longer if we have to build that, too.
"Maybe, I'll just go start sinning some
more, then somebody else will have to
build this damn ark, and I can go enjoy
life."
"I don't know why I don't smite you right
now," sighed God.
The forecast calls for 40 days and 40 nights
of rain. Flood warnings have been issued
in low lying areas.
THE. TALKING LOT 15 fULL
by    Jack   McLaren   and    Pat   S pa ca k
Bush Declares War
on Maryland
Far from torturing sinners. Hell is actually a paradise
for sick and evil people. Why shouldn't it be?
Wouldn't the Dc\ il take care of his own?
(Frank Yang, Washington)
After more than two weeks of terrorist attacks from a serial sniper in
and around the U.S. capital of
Washington, D.C, president George W.
Bush has declared war on the state of
Maryland.
"The state of Maryland has been given
ample opportunity to turn this sniper over
to the United States. But after two weeks of
terrorist attacks in and around the capital
of our nation, [Maryland state governor]
Parris Glendening and his staff have
refused to comply with our demands." said
President Bush during a recent national
telecast, "Those who harbor terrorists are
as guilty as the terrorists themselves. In
order to protect the citizens of America
from this threat, we have been left with no
other choice but to declare war on the state
of Maryland."
The president's declaration of war, backed
by a U.S senate bipartisan resolution, has
sent ripples across the international community. Russia, China and most members
of the European Union have responded
negatively to this development. French
president Jacques Chirac called the U.S.
decision "dangerous and poorly thought
out", adding that America stands to loose
much international support by not consulting the United Nations beforehand.
Meanwhile Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld continues to defend the president's actions. "This war is an unavoidable
tragedy. Only Parris Glendening can stop it
now. We all hope he comes to his senses
and complies with our demands before
more innocent lives are lost." said Rumsfeld.
Despite the imminent threat of unilateral
action from the U.S. army, governor Glen-
dening's stance remains unchanged. "The
state of Maryland and its people are dedicated to peace." Glendening declared in a
televised response to President Bush, "We
are willing to cooperate, and we will deliver this terrorist to the proper authorities
once we catch him. Any military action
from president Bush's armed forces before
then is premature and unwarranted." Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 October 2002
Volume Sixteen
Issue Four
22 October 2002
Editor
Benjamin Warrington
the432@hotmail.com
Assistant Editor
Will Chao
Contributors
Dan Anderson
Emily Casey
Albert Chen
Death
Vanessa Kay
Graeme Kennedy
Jo Krack
Jordana Laporte
Kristin Lyons
Johnny Mclntyre
Kevin Nottle
Rachael Sundin
Sameer Wahid
Benjamin Warrington
Frank Yang
Eggy Yuh
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
The 432 does not endorse anything
that we are not paid to endorse. We
haven't been paid to endorse anything lately, so we don't endorse
anything. We aren't against anything, either, so do whatever the
hell you want. Don't say we told you
to do it, however, because we didn't. We didn't tell you not to do it
either.
Vancouver Police Provide
Shelter for Homeless
Frank Yang
Lock 'em Up
Working in conjunction with the
Liberal government and B.C.
Corrections, the Vancouver
police department has provided temporary shelter and living necessities for the
homeless squatters residing at downtown
Vancouver's old Woodwards building.
After weeks of protests by activists and
homeless people demanding affordable
housing, the police are seeking a court
injunction to dismantle the tent.city that
has sprung up around the Woodwards
building and move the protesters with
homes who refuse to leave.  However,
Woodwards Squatters Given Free Accommodations
before an injunction can be granted, the
police department must show evidence its
officers have found shelter for the legitimately homeless squatters.
In order to facilitate this, police recently
obtained permission from the Liberal government to provide the homeless with temporary residence at correctional facilities
across the lower mainland. According to a
statement from Police Chief Jamie Graham,
the homeless are given free board and
lodging at correctional centers tended by
B.C. Corrections staff, as well as given
access to basic amenities including television, radios, weight rooms and basketball
courts. In return, they are required to stay
at the facility until, quote, "this Woodwards crisis is over."
To date, over two thirds of the homeless
once residing at the tent community have
already been relocated. Graham claims the
operation is "proceeding smoothly so far,
with little resistance [from the homeless]."
Police are expected to be finish by next
week at the latest and file for the injunction
soon after.
While most government officials are supportive of the relocation efforts, others
have criticized the move. Leader of the
NDP opposition Joy MacPhail voiced her
disapproval.
"It's about time the Liberals got their act
together and found shelter for the poor
and homeless, but what I'm concerned
about is accountability." said MacPhail,
"Who's the one representing these people's
political interests while they're staying at
the temporary shelters, separated from the
rest of the world? Liberal accountability,
that's what I'm looking for."
The Art of Science
Jordana Laporte
Geek Buster
Ever wondered how some students in
your cell biology lecture or organic
chemistry lab manage to ask such
complicated questions and how they seem
to know everything? It kind of makes you
wonder why they are so inquisitive in the
first place. Well, what'you have probably
witnessed is arvart form unmatched by any
other. It is that of the science geek. To the
naked eye (or to arts students) science
geeks are just individuals with great
knowledge potential. They appear to be
soothsayers with intellects beyond believable heights for normal human beings. But
do not be fooled, the art of the science geek
is complex. I recognize the following qualities as being associated with science geeks
because they are the exact same things
which make a sceptic like myself go crazy.
Plus, I think I have mastered sectors of this
art form myself (don't let that get around
though).
The first stage of science geekdom
involves obviously, work. Not just work in
moderation to "keep up with the class". No,
no science geeks do work on top of work.
They push themselves to the limit trying to
learn and KNOW more than the average
student. They strive to be the most knowledgeable and well-read people that they
can be often sacrificing sleep, partying,
free-time (a concept too obscure for any of
the individuals I speak of) and food. The
latter explains why many of them are often
scrawny and pale. You too would be a little
physically "under-the-weather" if you
spent the majority of your time inside staring at those stacks of ridiculously priced,
bound paper (known to the science geeks
as "text books").
Once the stage of higher learning is
achieved, stage two: flaunting, kicks into
full gear. The whole nature of the art form
is to be able to demonstrate to others your
acquired knowledge. It's similar to the classic philosophical question, "If a tree falls in
the forest and there's no one to hear it, does
it really make a sound?"; if the geeks learn
something new, will they really know it if
they don't get to bring it up during class
time? This tactic is used for two reasons.
One, to confuse other students and often
the prof by discussing irrelevant information; thus showing off their newly acquired
skills. Two, to gain notable practice for the
next stage of geekdom.
That brings us nicely to the third stage:
incoherent language. Geeks develop a language so enriched with information that
they become unintelligible to others. This
not only makes them unique, but it allows
them to recognize their own kind (the competitors, if you will). This almost foreign
way of speaking is also a good way to piss
off the students nearby and make their self-
esteems plummet. For instance, a sentence
like, "I read in the Canadian Journal of Cell
Biology that prokaryote endoplasmic reticulum is differentiated from that of a
eukaryote by lowered ribosomal distribution," is a good example of the irrelevant
gibberish one might hear from the mouth
of a geek.
Finally, stage four. The stage most of us
will immediately recognize for it's annoyance level. Geeks, due to an increased period with little social contact, feel the need to
clap. A clap-clap here and there is
respectable and required for important
speakers or occasions. But geeks consider it
appropriate to clap for TA's who speak for
2 minutes, for over-enthusiastic representatives who are asking for a vote in an
upcoming election and for profs. Rule
number one of lectures, do not clap for
profs unless of course there are extraneous
circumstances, for example, if your prof
declares that the exam will be written only
in pictures. If the clapping is not enough to
advance this process to a true art form,
then science geeks resort to those damn
clicky pens. You know the ones. Every time
a new colour is represented on the overhead, a click is heard, and a geek transfers
that exact colour to his/her notes. There are
more, distinctive features that represent
the art form of becoming a true geek, but
they need not be mentioned, you all know
what I'm talking about by now.
So the next time you are confused by an
obscure question coming from an over-prepared student, most likely followed by a
series of clicking noises, think of the
incredible time which was spent to create
the masterpiece specimen: the science
geek. And maybe, if you're inspired (or
annoyed by your own lack of these qualities) perhaps you could perform some of
the stages I have described above. You, too,
could partake in a delicate art form. You,
too, could be a science geek!
Pizza Editorial
^»3   Ben Warrington
Hungry
The other day, I walked into University Plaza Pizza, upstairs in the village,
hoping to purchase some cheap, but
delicious, pizza. I was greeted with:
"Hey, it's you. It's been a long time."
Well, yes, it had been a long time, what
with spending the summer in
Saskatchewan and then actually taking a
lunch to school most days. Nevertheless,
the fact that the manager recognized me
even after all that time was slightly unset-
tling. I take it as a sign that I have not only
given him a lot of business, but that I have
given him far too much business.
Thinking back, I realize that this is probably true. Over the past couple of years,
since I found the place, I have taken advantage of their $5 for a 10", two topping pizza
student deal many times (they no longer
have that deal, but they now sell slices for
a pretty good price). What can I say? It is a
lot better than spending $5 at McDonald's,
and the pizza, in my opinion, is better and
cheaper than Pie R Squared. It is a bit of a
walk though, and sometimes I am just too
damned lazy.
Come to think of it, I first started buying
pizza at University Plaza after Dallas
Gourmet Pizza changed ownership. Their
price had been two slices and a pop for $3
(I think that is about what University Plaza
charges now). Sadly, the quality of Dallas
Gourmet Pizza went down hill. I haven't
eaten there in a while, so they might be
good again, or they might have gone out of
business for all I know.
Anyway, It occurs to me that both the old
owners and the new owners of Dallas
Gourmet Pizza used to know me too.
Maybe, I just eat altogether too much
pizza.
I could sure use some pizza.
Anyway, enough with the thinly veiled
advertising. 22 October 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Academia Horror-scope
Albert Chen
It's All Academic
<Y>    Aries
March 21 to April 20
The stress is going to be quite unbearable,
so what do you do now? Just enjoy your
life to the best to your ability. There are
many starving Africans out there, so be
thankful that you only have to worry about
writing all those stupid (please insert your
own course titles) midterms.
C)     Taurus
April 21 to May 21
Watch what you say within the next few
weeks, as planetary positions reveal that
you will be idolized as a spiritual guru.
Soon enough, you shall have your own
Bible and start sending serpents to non-
believers. Wow, what do you do with all
that power? I'm sure you will get used to it
and it will seem normal after you've decided what to do with your supernatural
power. Of course, if you believe my oracle,
you also accept the fact that this oracle
applies to at least 5,000 fellow students.
II    Gemini
May 22 to June 21
Promised yourself that you'll study
REALLY HARD this year yet again? Take
my advice: give it up right now. Things
will go much easier if you give up ahead of
time. Why complicate your neurological
pathway? All roads lead to boredom anyway...see, I'm not as dumb as I sound,
right?
25    Cancer
June 22 to July 22
I don't know what to say to all of you...
keep on canning pears, I suppose. (Make
sure you don't have hairy palms, by the
way.) If you don't have any idea what
I'm talking about, please refer to
the last issue of the 432.
<Q    Leo
July 23 to August 23
If you are currently
single, you will
have a complicated
love life. A few people will fight over
you, creating a
steamy     plot     that j
rivals the most ridiculous  soup  opera  story
line. Sorry, it's going to be
so stupid that I can't even write
the stuff. I might be crazy, but definitely not stupid.
Hi!    Virgo
August 24 to September 23
Gee, must I spell out your life for you?
Why can't you just live your life like every-
Say Aaaaigh
five fillings and a root canal
Si'l
Graeme Kennedy
Gums
I need what?
Despite having 'gainfully employed' for
seven years, I have had neither a decent
income nor dental plan until this year. So,
it's been almost a decade since I last sat in
the chair, and I'll tell you, I paid for it.
Now, I'm no fool. I know the - ah - "drill"
when it comes to dental hygiene: brush
after every meal, floss before beddy-bye,
and avoid chugging 2L bottles of Coke. So,
why, then, did I discover that I required
ten fillings and a root canal? Particularly in
light of my clean bill of toothy health at the
UBC clinic (more about this later).
"So, which side do you want to start on?"
Well, I wasn't prepared to start drilling
immediately -1 had come in for a checkup,
no noticeable discomfort - but the Doc
"had a free morning." Free for him, maybe;
$3,000 for my insurance company. Any5-
way, my psychological preparation was as
close to nil as could be, but I figured "what
the hell?", and let him strap on the gas.
This is the only good thing about dental
work. Ooooh, yeah: just say NO.
Now, I'm pretty straight-laced. I mean, the
whole drug thing just never worked for
me. I spent too much time cleaning up
after my sister and her friends to want to
be part of the problem. Regardless, I can
really see the appeal of a distorted world
view. Briefly, I was the most important person in the universe.
As it turns out, though, I am somewhat
less affected by anaesthetic than the average person. Or maybe I have a very low
pain threshold. Either way, my detachment
from my body ended abruptly with a
series of novocaine needles stabbed into
my  face.  I  started  thinking  about  Bill
Cosby's "mby fabce" routine as one side of
my face froze up.
Crank it
My dentist advised donning headphones,
turning up the volume, closing my eyes
and just letting him get to work. Good
advice. I ignored it, of course, because of
my natural scientific curiosity. Bad idea. I
really have to apologize: nothing invokes
anxiety in a patient more than seeing a
contraption getting shoved into the mouth,
and nothing invokes anxiety in a dentist
more than a doped-up patient reaching out
and grabbing said contraption, asking
"what the *A$%# are you doing with that?
Nevertheless, I've seen Clockwork
Orange, and the real dilemma emerged: do
I choose music I like to drown out a drill, or
music I hate. I decided that he was the best
dentist around, so this would be a good
experience, and I chose something I liked.
Now, I should add here that 1 made the
mistake of explaining the rationale behind
my choice to the dentist and his assistant,
and proceeded to probably insult both of
them by accident, which is not wise when
they're drilling and you're screwed up.
("sign here").
What I did was tell them that I chose the
jazz CD because I liked jazz, otherwise I'd
choose some elevator music. (Think:
Wayne's World) The second I said that
there was dead silence, except for the very
evident string rendition of Girl From
Ipponema being piped in through the ceiling speakers. Crap.
Anyway, to make a long story short... I
had ideations of reference - everything was
about me for awhile, (even when the dentist went to take, a piss, for some reason I
was sure that that was about me, too, don't
ask). There was drilling, there was extracting, there was gauze . . . and now I know
what they mean when they say you don't
need to brush nil your teeth.
Just the ones you want to keep.
one else? Can't we just get along and make
out like other couples? That's what you
will say a week from now when your crazy
sex mate thinks that you have psychic
power and start asking you annoying
questions about his/her future. If you think
you'll be single, think again. What? You
want to know more? Oh, why can't we just
get along? Must I spell out your life for
you?
=0:    Libra
September 24 to October 23
Umm, nothing is going to
happen within the next
few weeks, so should I
put my magic to work
so   that   something
interesting will happen  in  your  life?
Like, getting a pig
as a pet? Or, if you
prefer    something
with a sentimental
charm,   how   about
dying a brutal, brutal
death?   (Gee,   do   you
think dying is a big deal?
Nah.)
At    Scorpio
October 23 to November 22
What? Do you have a problem with my
column? Too shallow? Too freaky? Too
BORING? Fine, march right to the SUS
office, grab the editor by the horn (no pun
intended) and write something! It'd better
be damn great, else I'll keep on writing the
same thing over and over again...see if I
care.
X*    Sagittarius
November 23 to December 21
Go hump a tree...there, nobody shall log
your tree anymore. See, it's much better
than hugging a tree, right? Which leads to
the ultimate truth - sex sells, big time.
^Jo    Capricorn
December 22 to January 20
Stop peeling onion for a change. Try rubbing your hands with garlic cloves for
good luck. Also, you shall develop your
own fragrance; it won't sell, however.
25    Aquarius
January 21 to February 19
See last year's predictions for Cancer. Any
one of them could be your oracle. While I
might sound utterly lazy, I'm also giving
you a spiritual freedom that no one else
could exercise anyway...
H    Pisces
February 20 to March 20
You'll die. I don't know when, but you
will, okay? I need to study now, so get
along with your play buddies and play
nice, okay?
Current Cold Medicine Not Working?
SEX!
Proven to Clear Sinuses
Gives you a good feeling all over
May cause drowsiness in some individuals
^o^
Coffee
For all you caffeine addicts, the SUS
lounge now has coffee for sale.
50c/cup
Bring your own mug, milk and sugar available. Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 October 2002
Harleqwhipped, Part II
Rachael Sundin
Vanessa Kay
Dan Anderson
Mr. Eggplant Says So
Last episode: Mike met Sarah, a woman that
struck him senseless without laying a hand on
him. Rob didn't do too much. William never
showed up. No animals were harmed in the
making of that episode.
Left, right, left, right. Mike lurched
along Agronomy road, head spinning with delirious visions of Sarah.
His friends weaved back and forth
amongst each other, narrowly avoiding
various trees and signposts along the path.
But Mike was on a mission: he kept moving forward, his goal etched indelibly in
his addled brain....Sarah.
It had begun harmlessly enough that
afternoon with a quick floor-sponsored
drinking game with his floormates in front
of another Simpson's repeat, complete
with RA Watch Duty. They were celebrating the finish of another round of
midterms. Soggy caf chicken strips littered
the floor and counters of the lounge, but
their inebriation allowed them the luxury
of ignoring these and the other unnecessary evils of the lounge. Mike was gently
nursing his water bottle of vodka, not even
half finished it, when his head lolled to the
side and he cast a glance out the second
floor lounge window. A group of girls,
laughing merrily, was streaming past, talking loudly of dance tunes, boys, and how
to avoid succumbing to the Freshman 15. A
sound like magic, like the tintinabulation
of thousands of tiny bells, wafted through
his cloudy focus and the sound of Bart
choking yet again. It was her, Sarah, tossing her voluminous tresses and adjusting
her micro-mini sparkling halter top. Drunk
as he was, he recognized that attire such as
this bespoke only one destination: The Pit.
A dark, romantic little joint, where love
was found, made, and lost several times in
the course of one Top 10 run-through.
Desperately, he pushed himself off the
samonella-smeared contraceptive-design
res couch and flung his arms wide in a
grandiose gesture to his fellow housemates. "Guys! Pit! Lesh go!"
With a roar of approval they rose as one to
follow his call, reaching the door before
realizing that, it being only 4:30pm, they
would have to wait at least an hour before
any women showed up. So, in an effort to
retain consciousness, they kept themselves
occupied with the King of the Hill Drinking Game while William repeated the
word "penguin" several thousand times,
rocking back and forth on his heels.
But that was then, and now he was on his
way. Campus had been crossed, he and his
mates were still, for reasons beyond comprehension, a cohesive crowd, and the lineup was diminishing before them. His
beloved awaited him behind those black
doors of destiny, and only one large, muscular obstacle stood between them - Mike
looked up to see the face of the unimpressed bouncer Scowling down at him, a
forbidding spectre of underage doom. He
proffered his brother's ID nervously,
attempting to maintain his perpendicular
relationship with the ground. A meaty
hand came down on his back, and with a
sickening lurch he was thrust into a gyrating, thrusting, steaming mass of humanity.
His eyes roved, overstimulated by lights
and flashes of spandex and sparkles, blinded by twitching thighs and overworked
hair. Where was she? Where was his
delight, the fancy of his mind (yet not of
his feast), the constant companion of his
every waking thought, the one who, with
just a mental image, overwhelmed him to
the point where he could not even think of
integrals? He pushed through a crowd of
dull-eyed young men communicating in
what sounded like the bellows of leaf-
Dead Pool VII
Death
He's not the Taxman
So much death in the world, but
nobody particularly famous has died
lately, so points have yet to be scored.
If you still want in, check out issues one or
three. I am too lazy to explain the rules
again.
Some    names    which    are    perennial
favourites  include  Pope John  Paul  II,
Ronald Reagan, and Bob Hope. Maybe this
year will be their year. A new name that is
also cropping up regularly this year is
Hamid Karzai. He hasn't been in the news
for a while, so he must be about due for
another assassination attempt.
Anyway, this is just a friendly reminder
that if you haven't gotten your list in, yet,
you can still enter at any time. All of the
people on your list must be alive when I
receive it for them to be eligible point earners. Email the432@hotmail.com.
And remember, don't fear the reaper.
Pizza $2 Drinks $1
Movie - Free
blowers. They half-stunned him as he
caught an earful of a philosophical, expletive-ridden discussion of Kafka and the
finer points of receding from society.
Propelled forth by hops-laden blasts from
the breaths of hell, Mike bravely railed on,
. then was winded as a railing thrust itself
into his roiling gut. He righted himself,
gazing out. It was a scene of depravity,
excess and sin unlike any he'd seen. The
thrumming beats of some silicone-bur-
dened media darling pulsated through the
crowd, as arms, legs, bosoms and beer
flashed about in a parade of lost souls.
He saw her.
There, in the midst of it all like a beacon of
hope for all that is good, like an angel of
mercy, like a hangover cure, she was dancing with the wild abandon of joy, youth,
and cheap double highballs. Her hips
moved with a bewitching rhythm, with a
timing that seemed to match the racing of
his heart and the throbbing of his... temples. He longed to say a word, to ask her
for a dance, perchance to grind, but any
sound died unuttered on his senseless lips.
He vaulted the railing in a catlike motion,
scraped himself off the sodden dancefloor,
and took a step towards her. No, that wasn't her, no, that was a man, albeit one with
bewitching hips. No, no...
He was upon her without warning, his
senses assaulted by the very electricity of
her presence, by her brilliant smile, by her
perfume... perfume with the intensity of a
blanket of flowers wafting through him,
dancing around him, enveloping his reeling head, combining with his confused
sense of balance into a spinning vodka-
flower garden that blacked out the Pit, it's
inhabitants, all but the rising of a primal
urge within him...
She looked at him, confused, but then a
light of recognition sparked in her eye. She
turned to him, mouthed something he didn't understand, and he opened his mouth
to   respond.   His   words,   the   eloquent
entreaty he had wished to deliver, were
superseded by a horrible wave of ethanol-
soaked undigested cafeteria flotsam and
jetsam, which sped at her shoes with a
sickening splash and spray.
The world twisted and warped, his vision
distorted and a massive black cloud threatened to overcome him. He tried to resist,
only to find himself skidding along cold
cement, staring at the retreating black-clad
mound, which shouted at him, "Puke on
your own floor!" with considerable (and
not the least bit vicious) disdain.
Dismayed, his heart collapsed. Like his
clothes, his hopes were soaked in the acidic
wash of failure. He drew himself up
unsteadily, braced himself against the
shuddering betrayal of his strained stomach muscles, and began the long, lonely
trek back to his empty, unforgiving bed.
Will Sarah hate Mike for puking on her shoes,
or will she black the whole night out? Will
Mike ever stop drinking? What is with William
- all we get is "penguin" several thousand
times? Will the Underground ever be funny?
Will pigs ever fly without the use of catapults,
which by the way are not as effective as you 'd
imagine? Do these questions actually pertain
to anything or are they just filler? Are we there
yet? I have to pee. Are we there yet? I really,
really have to pee. Is Rob gone for good? Will
we ever hear Sarah talk? Will Mike ever get
tired of making the most of ResNet and stop
burning all those pictures and movies for his
already impressively sized collection? Who the
hell collects porn, anyways? No, that doesn't
count. Pylon porn is a different subject matter
entirely. Will Mike sit and vegetate in the
lounge, or drum up the courage to ask Sarah
out when she's got more than half a square
meter of clothing on? Is this article over yet?
If you give us enough money, you'll find
out next time, in The 432's University Harlequin. Otherwise you get a man coming
out of a coma and falling down stairs when
he finds out his wife was cheating on him
with his stepdaughter. No kidding.
The Paradigm is SUS's
serious Science magazine.
Deadline for Submissions
Wednesday, November 6
at 4:32 pm
Anyone interested
should contact the editor at:
the432@hotmail.com 22 October 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Soliciting Beauty
Emily Casey
Gorgeous
I recently became one of those lucky
"Chosen Ones". It was kind of like
receiving one of those lottery-winning
e-mails that never pan out, but instead lead
the gullible dreamer on a wild goose hunt
through pop-up windows and slots for all
your friends' e-mail addresses (all with the
reassurance that by making your friends
the scapegoats, you're increasing your own
chances).
Except this time was different...it was
real. I was killing time on the knoll by the
SUB, when a girl approached me. She had
a look in her eyes, a glint that said I was the
one she had been looking for.
She gave me a warm smile, and an even
warmer sales pitch. She was selling discounts to a spa downtown, for three wonderful beautifying sessions. Which was
enticing alone, but it was the actual discount rate that sucked me in - ninety percent off!! That's practically free, right?
Lucky for my starving student budget, I
had left my wallet at home that day, and
didn't have the required $35. So maybe it
wasn't meant to be - that day.
But if lightening strikes twice, that's a definite sign of fate. At least that was my rationale when I was approached a week later
by a second fresh-looking girl, vending an
identical offer of bliss, by a different spa.
And this time, I was ready for her.
She pointed out the features of the offer,
and I gazed at her neat nails as she gushed
about the manicure. Studied her skin
whilst envisioning my own facial. Wiggled
my toes at the thought of a pedicure. And,
of course, almost could hear the profit I
was making as I shelled out 35 bucks for a
coupon at a spa I've never heard of.
But honestly, the location or reputation of
the spa is just a technicality, right? At 90%
off, you can't really go wrong! I'm going to
look 100% better, but only pay a fraction of
what its worth. I think the mere fact that I
was chosen proves that this is a necessary
endeavor. I obviously am in desperate
need of spa treatment, if it's visible to
passerby! This girl was actually doing me a
favor. Wow, I'm so lucky to have been a
chosen one.
However, I really have to wonder what
these salespeople are looking for in the
people they approach. Should I have felt
lucky or insulted?? Even after I had bought
my wonderful discounted coupon, yet
another girl stopped me with a spa offer. I
must be exactly what these people look for.
I'm not sure what criteria they have, but I'll
sure bet I meet every one!
So maybe I'm not so lucky after all. Maybe
my abused body is in obvious need of
repair! My haggard skin and weathered
nails just scream out for help to these beauty professionals. I should definitely get
down to that spa and fix myself up!
I can see my revamped self strutting down
Main Mall, buffed face glowing and nails
shining. Of course I'll be sporting some
open-toed shoes to flash the pedicure. I
guess I should invest in a pair. And maybe
a couple new outfits, just to give me that
polished look. I can use the 90% I saved,
that way it's hardly even real money. I can
almost consider it my winnings, the spoils
of my lucky streak by the grassy knoll.
Saving money is great, isn't it? I'm going
to call that spa and make my first appointment. Well, after things settle down a bit
and I have enough time. Then I'll go get my
cheap manicure and relax. For now,
though, I have the coupon tacked to my
board, and a not-so-fresh face to stare at in
the mirror.
Royal Musings
Kevin Nottle
Honour Guard
Like many other UBC students I took
the time to stand outside for an hour
or so to catch a glimpse of the Queen
as she stopped by on her Jubilee tour. I felt
that since I'd signed my life away to her, 1
really should see who I'm supposed to
show true allegiance to. So there I was,
standing around, watching the queen and
her party go by, when I saw something
really interesting.
The Queen had two Canadian Forces officers in her party. Both majors, and both in
the armoured corps. I'm not sure what regiment they were from, I could only make
out the black beret that distinguishes
armoured from the rest of the army.
One of these majors had a huge mass of
gold braid on the front of his uniform that
marks him as the Queens aide-de-camp or
some such. I think this was the same officer
that escorted her Majesty to centre ice at
the Canucks' game, but I'm not positive.
This major is probably the envy of his regiment, for being able to stay in such close
proximity to the Queen for so long.
The second major I doubt is envied that
much at all.
This particular officer was at the back of
the entourage, and had a rather menial
task. He was carrying the umbrellas.
In the event of excess precipitation, he'd
quickly go into action. Dashing to the front
of the group, he'd open his umbrella, and
save her Majesty from the spectre of experiencing first hand real Vancouver weather.
I do accept that the dignity of the office of
Monarch requires that steps be taken to
ensure that she doesn't get soaked in the
event of a sudden downpour, I just find it
interesting who they got to hold the brollies.
In a military as small as the CF, Major is a
rank that really matters. They command
most of the smaller units such as companies, battalions, schools and offices that
make up the real working components of
the Forces. To see one assigned the task of
moving coat rack was quite surprising.
Normally if I see a major, I treat them with
great respect, bordering on fear. They are
commissioned officers, and quite senior
ones at that. It's my duty to treat them with
a great degree of respect, plus if I didn't
pay the proper compliments I'd be in big
time trouble. However, when I see such a
senior officer performing such a menial
task, even for the Queen, my feelings veer
from respect to schadenfreude, humour at
another's expense.
Still, they also serve the Queen who stand
in back with the umbrellas.
Never Mess with a
Campus Squirrel
Eggy Yuh
^*      Actively Apathetic
So the latest of the AMS's moneymak-
ing schemes is to attach garishly
bright 6-foot tall advertisements to
the stairwells in the SUB. Aside from the
fact that they don't match the trashy 70's
decor and probably draw as much power
as the entire building, they don't belong
there. Ever since the ill-conceived Coke
deal, campus has slowly and insidiously
become over-run by external advertising.
Sure, the Coke deal was pretty bad: the
documents were closed to the general public; it applied to every single event on campus (save the vending machines in SUS
and the GSS), including club events; and
tried to pose as relatively harmless. Clubs
are "encouraged" to use Coke products.
And who knew the far-reaching consequences of Coke and its many many subsidiaries? Dasani, Powerade, Nestea,
Minute Maid...the list is endless. If you
didn't know who was in charge before, you
do now. But hey-don't get me wrong.
Coke's great; better than Pepsi, really.
Next it was the mini-ads on the back of the
bathroom stall, where they can't be missed.
Unless you're a guy, and then I assume the
ad is strategically placed over the urinal.
For the most part, the ads tout AMS services and events, which is fine by me. After
all, this is our student society, and they're
supposed to be looking out for us and
informing us of what's important. Or what
should be important, anyway. So if they
feel the extreme need to let me know that
there will be a huge marketplace sale to
celebrate the return to school, fine. Some of
the ads are somewhat useful, promoting
the rentsline, Safewalk and the like. As a
graffiti artist astutely noted, as long as the
AMS owns the building, they might as well
be allowed to promote their own causes.
However, it's a huge leap to get from the
AMS promoting clubs days while you pee
to a picture of Calvin Klein's Crave per
fume that's taller than me. And brighter
than...well, brighter than any lecture hall
or classroom on campus. How exactly does
this benefit anyone on campus, aside from
the naked, frolicking and rolling in MY
money AMS executives? Improvements for
the SUB? Is that a reference to the open
courtyard that is used exactly twice a year
by the public for Open Air Pit Night? Or
maybe the cushy renovations for everyone
who is employed by the AMS? I think it's a
conservative estimate to say that 90% of
the people on campus have never ventured
to the top floor of the SUB, much less gone
there to find services or help. Yes, the renovations to the south end of the cafeteria
were very nice (you know, the comfy
couches that the bums like to sleep on, and
first years like to smear the mustard from
their Subway on). But what has the AMS
done for me lately?
No wonder voter turnout is entirely nonexistent. This year they're talking about
voting electronically, so as to improve
access for people like co-op and part-time
students. A great idea in theory, especially
considering how much money you can
save by not paying people $8 and hour to
sit and check student ID's. But hey-if no
one's voting and they're being coerced by
candy on their way to class, how many
people are actually going to sit down in
their spare time, make their way to the
AMS website, register online, and then
vote? Don't know about you, but I'm distracted already. Aside from that, what's to
stop me from electronically stuffing the
ballot boxes? Not that voter irregularities
are anything new for the current AMS
executive, but what's to say that some ner-
um, I mean, genius in computer science
can't write some crazy program to vote for
The Pylon a million times? (And really-
whatever happened to The Pylon? Radical
Beer Faction, when will you ever win?)
Sigh. The mark of someone who can't wait
to graduate-insulting anything and everything on campus. But don't mess with the
campus squirrels; those bastards have
sharp teeth.
Random Black Bar
ATTENTION
GRADS
The Class Act Graduating Gift Campaign is
still in need of a Biology Lead Volunteer.
Class Act is a wonderful opportunity for UBC
students to leave a legacy for future students!
To find out more please call Chloe Garthson
before Oct 29 at 827-5215 or email
chloe.garthson@interchange.ubc.ca Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 October 2002
Cellular Education
Jordana Laporte
Undergoing Mitosis
Wow! I was not aware that there
are so many important professionals enrolled at UBC. By professionals, I am referring to doctors, surgeons, lawyers, fire fighters . .. you know,
the "crucial situation" people. What leads
me to believe that so many of these professionals grace our lecture halls, common
areas and buses is the frequent use of cell
phones. I can only imagine that we have to
put up with the annoying rings during
class hours due to some sort of global crisis that needs immediate attention. Could
it be that "regular everyday" people are
using these small, multi-button, objects to
chat with friends, get caught up on the latest gossip and disturb the concentration of
others during lectures? This is mind-boggling to me, but I believe this is actually the
current situation! Yeah, I know, it's crazy!
But I tell you, friend, it is the truth.
There are, obviously, some actual legitimate reasons why Beethoven's 5th Symphony may be heard at an off key pitch
during the course of the day. Unless you're
in the Faculty of Music, however, the only
legitimate reasons in my opinion include:
someone in your family (this includes 4-
legged pets and 2-legged children) being
killed in oncoming traffic, your house
slowly burning to a crisp (assuming you're
the only one who knows how to work the
fire hose outside your house - otherwise,
what are you supposed to do about it?),
you or someone who is carrying your child
going info labour and of course, a warning
call signaling you to flee the country on
account of the government finally realizing
you've been pilfering billions of dollars
from the National budget. Besides these
few, highly selective, reasons there is real
ly no excuse for a cell phone to interrupt
the lives of fellow classmates.
From what I have witnessed, first hand,
the majority of these crucial / essential conversations occurring during class time
usually begin with, "Where are you? . . .
I'm in class too!" and followed by some
mindless chatter end with "Okay, gotta go
talk to you later". The latter statement
refers to the conversation, which will probably continue during the next lecture period. In fact, I would be surprised to hear
anything of substance being discussed
over one of the cell phones in question. It is
quite shocking that just last year the ring of
a cell phone normally induced redness in
the face and mortification in it's owner;
whereas, now it is almost a moment of
pride, of recognition. As if we are to point
and stare, "Oooh look, someone is calling
him, he must be somehow incredibly
important!" So there it is, strange but true,
cell phones are apparently for anyone and
any reason nowadays and they are easily
prioritized over a professor's speech, the
questions of tuition paying students or a
chemistry lab procedure. I guess, for these
people, when it comes down to burning
your hand with strong sodium hydroxide
or talking on the phone, the choice is obvious.
You might know one of these individuals
yourself. Or hell, you may be one! Once
again I remind you that unless you are in a
profession requiring you to be constantly
contactable in order to prevent the untimely deaths of other human beings, leave
your cell phone at home. You can do without it, I assure you. The earth will not
implode if you don't get that call during
bio class everyday, neither will the brains
of the angry students within proximity to
you. And if you do have the absolute urge
to call someone or to accept one of the
"essential" phone calls then just get up and
leave the class. Problem solved, the world
is right again!
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The Queen and
Canada
Johnny Mc In tyre
Likes them asses
As most of you not living inside a
building like a lab rat know by
now, the Queen had come to our
campus dressed in her regal costume,
escorted by RCMP bikers, with hordes of
adoring and somewhat confused subjects,
some waving flags, others trying to take
pictures and generally trying hard not to
touch the butt of the hot chick in front.
I was amazed at the lack of understanding
many of the people there exhibited, so let
me try and make some things clear. To
start with, Queen Elizabeth II ( whose full
name is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor ) is the Queen of Canada, which makes
her the Head of State. What that means is
if she decides one fine day to kick someone's ass and start a war ( maybe with
Brazil because England lost in the World
Cup match with them ), then Canada and
all other dominions are technically at war
with that nation, and as such, would be
expected to help her win. The chances of
that happening are so remote that you are
better off wagering your money on Dubya
winning a second term in the land of the
great just to the south of us. Besides, she is
a constitutional monarch, which means
she does not have political power, but technically is the Commander in Chief of the
Armed Forces.
This isn't strictly correct. Canada and the
United Kingdom are entirely independent
nations. We (and most of the other Commonwealth nations) just happen to have the same
person as our head of state. We DO NOT
" have to go to war if the UK does. We do have
obligations through NATO and other treaties,
though, that would require us to fight if they
were attacked.
-ed.
Secondly, Prince Philip is not King, he is
the husband of the Queen. He's just the
Duke of Edinburgh, an Admiral in the
Royal Navy and a darn good soldier at
that. He is reputed to be a bit of a funny
man and frequently ends up being racist.
His position in the Royal household is
probably the worst to be in. I mean, he's
just an accessory to the Queen, like her
fancy coats and matching hats. The poor
fellow is dragged around for visits to
places and he's not given as much importance as Her Majesty's hats and jewels.
Charles: HRH Prince Charles ( whose full
name is Charles Philip Arthur George
Windsor ) is our future King barring any.
republican talk from the likes of people
like the Honourary John Manley. Charles*is'
an oddity as many of you know. He had a
really hot wife who was 15"years younger
than him and 20 at the.time they got married, and he still ran after-that thing called
Camilla. I have no idea what she gives
him, but I'm sure it must be good for him
to go back for more. If the Church of England has its way, he shall not marry her.
Incidentaly, the Queen is the defender of
the Anglican faith and the Supreme Governor of the Church of England and one day,
Charles will be too.
Which brings me to the future: barring
any Royal theatrics ( which I am sure the
Queen will drop the curtains on at the
slightest hint), Prince William ( whose real'
name is William Arthur Philip Louis of
Wales ) shall become our King someday.
Now think about this for a bit, a fellow
who seems to make the girls crazy will be
our future King. And he hasn't messed up
yet, so there is hope for him...
Which brings me back to the reason for
having the monarchy, and the arguments
for keeping it. We have, if anything benefited with the House of Windsor as our
Royal Household. We have something the
Americans can't have, we have a Queen.
They may have ballistic missiles and Ivy
league colleges, but we have the Queen
and the word "Royal" to toss around. Royal
Canadian Mounted Police, Royal Canadian Air force, the Royal Canadian Mint and
so on. While they may no longer be the
epitome of marriage ( well, 3 divorces
among the Queen's 4 children ), they are
still by far a very fashionable, sombre and
proud icon. We are her subjects, and as
such, she will come by as long as she can to
take flowers from the children of her loyal
subjects, to make them feel special. The
monarchy works fine the way it is, and it
works well. We have to pay little, and yet
we get our money's Worth. Speaking of
money, the Queen is on your money, especially the $20 bill, and all the coins.
Besides, since they live in England most of
the time, they are not political in Canada,
they don't care if Stockwell Day thinks his
fore fathers played hide-and-seek with
dinosaurs or if French is spoken or not spoken by the masses. If we lose them, then
we will get a partisan President, and do
you really want a President who could be
like Jean Chretien, mumbling things and
forgetting funerals of Kings? And maybe
someday, some of our country's best shall
be knighted again, maybe Sir Wayne Gret-
zky or Sir David Suzuki or something.
So John Manley wants to get rid of the
monarchy. My explanation for that is he
has nothing better to do. Consider for
instance the cost of replacing the monarchy; all the documentation that somehow
relates to the monarchy will have to be
replaced. Everything from your BC Driver's licence to the name of the Air Force
will have to be change. Instead, if finance
minister ( for now ) Manley sees all that
money somewhere, then guess what I
want him to do with it? Keep the monarchy and buy us a N.imitz class aircraft carrier, furnish it with F-18 Super hornets,
Hawkeyes and maybe even some F-35 jets
of the future. Then we can call thg ship
HMCS Jean Chretien and parade it around
the world, have our military pride
restored, and have a legacy for a retiring
Prime Minister. The-Queen can come back,
.induct it into her command, and the pipers
can come along too, except for the half-
, naked piper I see playing downtown,
thank goodness the bag covers his; well his
things.
Some more incentives for those people
who doubt the use of "the monarchy: every
time the Queen or her family shows up
(especially if it is Prince William or Henry),
there will be a crowd of people there the
meet them. Crowds with girls. Hot girls.
Hot girls who don't know much about royalty, but know a whole lot about other
things. So, you can go and lift them when
the Queen comes (so they can see better)
grab their asses at the same time and not
be smacked silly by a purse full of makeup
and cigarettes. And if nothing else, respect
Her Majesty, for she is on what many of us
hold dear, money. Her crown is everywhere and the next time you feel patriotic
enough, after Canada kicks someone's ass
in a hockey game, after you sing O Canada,
sing God Save the Queen too. And no, I don't
have a thing for hot girls asses.
"Do you need a silencer if you are going lo shoot, a mime?"
-Unknown 22 October 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
X
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hi Everyone, I would first of all like
to wish good luck to all the science
teams who are participating in
Longboat-it's a great time and you're going
to have so much fun. Other upcoming
events are Gladiator Team Challenge, UBC
Insomniac Softball, Globefest Team Challenge, and UBC Fall Badminton Tourney. I
hope you all are going to participate in
these events, they are going to be a great
time. Science is still first on campus in
terms of intramural points, and we want to
keep it that way. Lastly, remember for
sports rebates that they are due November
22 at 5pm in my box in SUS. To receive
your rebate, hand in your receipt, your
team roster, and the name, phone number
and email address of the person I am to
write the rebate to. Good luck in all your
sports!
K    <<■"■■ i      *
^%7$$&-%%£s      tit
- i^.t >^
SUS on the W
^...^^■j   r
•* ... a%&~^:i'~'
Sameer Wahid
Public Relations
For those of you who venture near the
Chemistry building, there is a new
computer lab near the UCS office.
While it's only available to students
enrolled in a Chemistry class, it's a great
resource (12 computers - internet, office,
etc.), and worth mentioning. Head into D-
Wing and go to room D230 - it's open during the day.
As for SUS, our office is still going strong
with many new people stopping by each
day. Remember to come visit us in Klinck
202! Also, we now have a new photocopier,
and if you want to buy an account it costs
$5 for 100 copies - cheapest copies on cam-
nbcxa/sK
;^^^'JEven|s and 'table!!
pus!
E-mail
at
wahid@interchange.ubc.ca  if you  have
questions.
One more thing - mostly directed to those
of you who have been around as long as I
have - Miyako and Ben are getting married
this coming June. I feel so old...
/'""a  i'
^m'^:i\
tflli.-iS^r
j !
SUS ELECTION RESULTS
2002
Here's who you voted for...
Biochemistry
and Molecular
Biology Rep
May Tee
Hedy Lam
Marsha Tung
32
29
6
Biology Rep
^.
_s
Kim Louie (Yes)       45
Kim Louie (No) 5
S_C I I N C I
_jemm
<_
Math and Stats
Rep
j
Collin Chan 9
Chigusa Torres 4
 %—
Psychology Rep
■
i
Jennifer Bustard      7
Sandy Chuang           3
Vivian Pan                 2
v                                       J
»     »
•      i
t      ,
0                                  1
Microbiology
and Immunology
v_
-/
Ambrose Wong        26
Howard Chu 16
Pharmacology
Rep
Juliana Lam (yes)      10
Juliana Lam (no)        2
Co-ordinated
Science Rep
Gabriel Hung
Cindy Yung
Christina Wong
Hana Kolac
Jensen Wong
35
23
20
19
9
r
General Officers
(four are elected)
William Chao
213
Kim Barber
201
Gerald Li
196
John Park
183
Anthony Tran
143
Harpreet Brar
138
Brian Shen
131
Abigail Asirvatham
125
Social Co-Ordinator
Anna-Marie Bueno
(appointed in council)
_/
>v
Computer Science \s
Rep
Anthony So
(appointed in council)
_>
Science One Rep
^
Chemistry Rep
Mark Chen (Yes)      30
Mark Chen (No) 1
Patricia Lau (Yes)     35
Patricia Lau (No)       2
Geography Rep
First Year Reps
. (two are elected)
Edward Cheung
91
Lisa Liang
73
Gina Eom
55
Natalie Tran
44
Anthony So
29
James Cummins
28
Lik Hang Lee
27
Nabeela Khan
23
Earth and Ocean
Sciences Rep
Reka Pataky
(appointed in council)
General Science
Rep
_>
Manj Kang
(appointed in council)
Physics and
Astronomy Rep
Andres Ruberg
(appointed in council)
_y
Hedy Lam
(appointed in council)
Integrated Science
Rep
Diala El-Zammar
(appointed in council) Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 October 2002
Jo Krack
•■•tV ^       Frolicking in Japan
It's now been about three weeks since I
arrived in Japan. I have become quite
proficient giving answers in Japanese to
the most common questions: "Where did
you come from? When did you arrive?
How long will you stay? Is it your first
time? Why did you decide to learn Japanese? Where did you study Japanese?" I've
also learned how to respond to "Oh, your
Japanese is good!" (always say "mada
mada", which means "no, no, not yet!").
Plus, I'm picking up all the neat sayings
that we take for granted in English. For
example, "there's always room for dessert"
has a Japanese equivalent: "Dessato wa
betsu-bara desu!" Sounds really neat when
you say it out loud.
I've also discovered that the mass transportation system in Japan, while incredibly
punctual and efficient, is completely baffling to anyone who can't read Chinese
characters (called kanji). Recently I decided to go see my friend in Gifu (I live in
Osaka, a few hours away) and I ended up
taking one bus and four trains! Each time I
got off a train, I would have to ask someone (in broken Japanese, with much point-
Babble On
ing at my ticket and wildly gesticulating)
where to catch the next train. I was never
quite sure if I was getting on the right train
or not, but thankfully I made it in one
piece. I ended up meeting a lot of interesting people too, all of whom assured me
that their English was terrible and were
content to put up with my clumsy Japanese.
Which brings me to another point: language learning. You just can't learn a language if you have nowhere to practice
speaking it! Most Japanese kids learn English starting in high school, but they
"study" it rather than actually "learn" it. I
suppose it's somewhat like learning French
in high school, but with even less speaking
practice. I have met more than one English
teacher who cannot speak English even
close to fluently — they just explain everything A in Japanese, the students copy it
down and memorize it, and then there's a
test. Thus, the only people who speak even
basic English are those who've travelled
abroad.
I've also gained a new appreciation for
ESL students. It's quite difficult not to be
able to express yourself, and giving up and
just learning enough of the language to get
by is a tempting option. It's going to take
me ages to learn to express all the things
that are most interesting to talk about, and
for now I pity the person who has to listen
as I struggle to say sentences like "Last
weekend I went to a movie. Then I went to
a restaurant. It was delicious." That's why
I'm trying to learn as many "hangin' out"
phrases as possible — toss those in, and
you become a little more interesting to listen to.
This past weekend I went to visit a friend
in Gifu, so I missed a festival in Osaka. My
roommate, however, tells me that during
the festival, everyone got really drunk, and
the men would pull out their package, dip
it in a shot glass of sake, and then give the
glass to their friend to drink! The friend
would then reciprocate. I really wish I hadn't missed that; I would have been right in
the thick of things with my camera! My
roommate was pretty grossed out because
everyone was sharing the same cups that
had graced most of the men's sweaty balls!
With that image firmly in mind, I invite
you to consider: Nudity In Japan. Last
week I had my first sentou (public bath)
experience. I went to a gender-segregated
sentou, but apparently there are also co-ed
ones. My Japanese friends showed me how
to sit on a little stool and scrub myself
clean before heading into the baths. We
tried a rosewater bath, an outdoor bath, a
sauna in which you rubbed salt all over
yourself and waited for it to melt, a freez
ing-water bath, and finally a jacuzzi-type
bath with built-in reclining chairs with
nicely-positioned jets. I was in heaven. It
didn't really seem that weird that everyone
was naked ... I guess that swimsuits are
basically like wearing wet underwear, so
nudity is not really that much of a jump.
I'd also love to take girls with body-image
problems to a sentou: looking at all the different body types, you realize how different everyone is, and how no one actually
looks like a model or actress in the real
world. We should really have sentous in
Canada; damn our Puritan influences! One
more reason to hate Oliver Cromwell.
I've also been keeping track of weird English, although it's frightening how normal
it's all starting to seem. Of course you
could name a cafe "Joyfull", why not?
Canned coffee with the brand name GOD?
Nothin' sacrilegious there! And for a bakery, what better name than "Bread House
Happy?" Makes sense to me. Of course, I
really want to check out the store called
"Woody Town" ...
Well, I'm heading off to a party now (what
a good little student I am!) so I'll have to
sign off. Hope you're enjoying my Japan
stories — feel free to email feedback to
gimmekrack@hotmail.com!
Jo Krack, Foreign Correspondent
The Buddhist temple of Borobudur near Jakarta appears to represent a mandala. The temple is a pattern of concentric circles, rectangles, and overlapping triangles. The basic shape of Borobudur is a stepped pyramid on a quadrangular plan with a slupa at the
top. There are 432 statues of Buddha at Borobudur.
-http://www.worclmax.com/gallery432/
Friday, November 1
7-llpm
SUB Partyroom and Courtyard
riHKS Q
mmm

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