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The 432 Mar 5, 1997

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Array "What's right is what's left after they've done everything else wrong." ~ Albert Einstein
Scottish Scientists
Clone Sheep!
"Of all the things they could
Alphonse R. Fibble and Eari Warren
Genetic Correspondents
In what can only be described as one
of the most significant scientific
advances mankind has ever achieved,
scientists at the Roslin Institute near
Edinburgh, Scotland, successfully cloned
an adult female sheep last week.
"Aye, it took a wee bit of tinkering with
the lassy, but we did it in the end," stated Dr. Ian Wilmut, chief geneticist on
the project.
"We faced many problems in this
endeavor. The first few attempts only led
us to a hell of a lot of wool. But when we
realized that the cell samples should be
from an actual sheep and not Duncan's
sweater, we got better results."
This modern miracle, however, has not
been without its own controversy.
Several spokespersons for ethic and
morality groups around the world have
spoken out against the scientific
done, they done sheep! Am I the only one to see this coming?" ~ UBC Dr. Edgar Rein hold
"Sure, now they're cloning sheep.
Tomorrow maybe a cow, but it won't be
long before they'll be cloning you, me
and even little Bobby down the street!"
proclaimed Ingrid Avernack, spokesperson for Proper Americans Righteously
Against Not Ordinary or Indecent
Developments (PARANOID).
"Okay, so they say
that it's in the best
interest of mankind
and all. But you just
know that they're up
to something evil,
probably involving
Elvis and aliens."
Of course, this breakthrough has led to a
number    of    moral
questions.   Will  this      —
technology lead to the eventual clonin^
of humans?
Dr. Wilmut was quick to herald the benefits of human cloning.
"Human  clones  could  act  as living
organ banks - our transplant supply
Great. More
sheep. Next they'll
be cloning the
—Angus McGarnugh
problems could be over."
The Scottish government is rumoured
to be very interested in this possibility,
since Scotland has the highest per chpita
liver transport rate in the world.
When asked how long it will be before
science successfully clones a human
being, Dr. Wilmut
stated "Um, I don't,
er, know. You'll have
to ask my, uh, identical twin brother,
UBC's own geneticist
Dr. Edgar Reinhold
was quick to condemn
the entire research
"Two things surprised me when I first
heard the report of
Scottish scientists cloning sheep. First
off, there are Scottish scientists? Second,
off all the things they could clone, they
cloned a sheep! I mean, really, am I the
only one that doesn't find this remotely
Reinhold went on to voice further complaints with the project at the fundamental level.
"People have no business cloning
sheep. Especially not in Scotland "and
especially not six months before we did
Scottish Parliament Member Angus
McGarnugh was not impressed by the
achievements of the government funded
"Great," he said, "More sheep. That's
the last thing we need in Scotland. Next
they'll be cloning the Irish, If they want
to do something really useful, they
should clone us some more women. And
someone who knows how to sew a
decent pair of pants."
432 correspondents were unable to continue the interview, due to Mr.
McGarnugh's mindboggling level of
While future applications for this technology seemed shrouded in controversy,
one thing is certain: no one will ever
again say that the Scottish don't take
their sheep seriously.
Deng Xiaopeng
Officially Dead!
"I am Homer of Borg. You will be assim- Mmmmm... donuts..."
Inglebuit W. Fibble	
Mechanical Correspondent
In a surprise move last week, the reigning Chinese communist leader Deng
Xiaopeng was officially declared dead
by state doctors Monday morning.
Insiders and dissidents in the communist state have long contended that
Deng Xiaopeng actually died in the late
1980s and all public appearances since
then have been faked.
A pro-democracy supporter, who choose
to remain anonymous, had this to say:
"We first became suspicious when,
every time he appeared on national TV,
the announcer confirmed that he was
'looking particularly healthy and virile
as he toured a factory this morning.'
"The only time someone is reaffirmed
by the state as 'healthy' it means that
they are either already dead or about to
be so. Also, the fact that the state
showed the exact same footage of Deng
Xiaopeng touring the same factory for
nearly ten years didn't help their case,
"That and the fact that all the radio
speeches made by Deng were just old
tapes from the eighties with 'Clinton'
dubbed in at appropriate spots."
Detractors state that the president
maintained an active public life through
state of the art animatronics similar to
those used to animate US President
Lincoln at DisneyLand.
The plot had worked successfully for
almost ten years before a freak rain
storm causes the robot Deng Xiaopeng
to collapse at a rally last week.
A government service was held for the
nine year old robot last Thursday.
Thousands came to pay their respects.
The robot Deng held the second highest
public position ever by a non-sentient
lifeform. The highest, of course, being
former US President Ronald Reagan. PAGE TWO
05 MARCH 1997
Schwartz in a can.
The 432™
Volume 10 Issue ,1$.
05 March 1997   |>
;0 1997 The Science '
Undergraduate Society of I
All rights reserved.
John Hallett gjj&fl
Assistant Editoi^c
Phil Ledwith. g^js
Jake McKinlay.^...
Jeremy Thorp, jj^f
Mikey ]
Josh J
Phil Ledv||
Tracy T      "''
Blair j
Jeremy 1
Jason Robitfi
College PdnteVpi
Local 4321
Contact ui^l
Attn. Editor,
c/o The Dean of 3
The University of BHif
6270 Unlverslijp.
Vancouver, lip
V6T1Z4" :^h
(604) 822 423$*ff
Fax: (604) 822 55
No mammals were
the production of tWsitl
Jer found two sitverfisJBJ
looked the same tm&H
and Phil swears tharfcej
he had for lunch were.cj
wouldn't put much 5t<
of them.
The 432 is the official nc
the      Science      Undefg
Society, published twice?.]
from our offices in the.basei]
the Chemistry B-BIockA |J,^
All opinions expressed
strictly those of the indh
ers and not those of The 43>j
Science Undergr«ui Society.*!
Writers and cartoonists r~~
uliies are encouraged tkij
material to The 432. Aj|^
sions must meet the strictf
requirements and si]
exceed 1000 words.
Vie 432 is copyrighte&p
Science Undergraduate^ ?""
UBC and may not be re
whole or in part wil
written consent.
■ ■.'■!%
Jake Gray
Caffeinated Correspondent
Well I've been off caffeine for
almost three weeks now and
boy do I miss it. Besides the
fact that I am no longer getting flash
migraines (very intense headaches
which last for a fraction of a minute) and
my stomach doesn't hurt in the morning, I've seen no real improvement in
the quality of my life. In fact it has taken
a lot more effort to maintain concentration long enough to sit down and actually turn the computer on let alone
begin to write. I used to just drink about
a pot and a half of coffee, two or three
cans of coke and then pop a few of those
little pills with the happy faces on them
and the article would just sort of magically appear after a few minutes of spastic hand movements.
That moves me right along to the idea
of the effects caffeine, any amount, now
has on my now frail nervous system.
This morning I bought a pop. I put all
my change in the machine only to realize that the only pop that was left was
coke. Now I haven't been drinking coke
and I wasn't after a coke, but I wasn't
about to waste a can of pop, so I cracked
it open slurped it back, and within three
minutes began to shake. Not just shake,
I guess it was more along the lines of
mild convulsions. If it had stopped there
I would have been mildly distressed but
would have continued about with my
You know, I've been getting a lot of
flak recently about the last two
cover stories I ran. Apparently,
some people were upset with the fact
that they were based in reality.
Well, I hope that these same people skip
this issue, you see, as once again the two
normal business of going to class, getting bored, almost falling asleep, waking
up, drawing some disturbing pictures
involving dogs, Amish people and some
dwarf named Sedrick, and finally leaving
twenty minutes before the end of class
to go learn more from the text book in
the twenty minutes than the other people in class would have learned in three
hours of lecture.
But unfortunately 1 never made it to
class. I was distracted between Chem 160
and Chem 124 (a distance of less than 50
metres) by a large and ungainly bear
standing in a beefeater uniform guarding
one of the less used doors of the chemistry building.
Upon closer examination, it turned out
not to be bear but actually a large red
tank that assumedly held something evil
that really shouldn't be let loose in the
environment. Noticing a big leak dumping a somewhat greenish tinged fluid
into the local storm drain, I headed for a
nearby phone to contact my local
M.L.A., M.P., Ombudsman, Police, E.P.A.,
Fire Department, Hydro meter inspector,
and the transit authority, but I never
made it to a phone.
You see, on the way back to the S.U.S.
office to use the phone I remembered
that I had really wanted a certain book
from the library which had been out the
last time I had been there and should be
back now, so I left the impending environmental disaster for later because, and
here was my logic, I don't really like to
eat fish and if this was something nasty
going down the drain it was probably
front cover stories are based in reality.
But what can an editor do? Reality as of
late has been exceptionally funny. Think
about it. Scottish scientists clone a
sheep. A sheep! If that isn't funny, I
don't know what is. (If you don't get it,
get your mind back in the gutter.)
And then there's this whole thing with
Deng Xiaopeng, aside from the majority
of The 432 staff betting on him dying
before the year's out, the whole rumour
about him having died year's ago brings
only going to hurt the fish and the people who were going to eat the fish who I
probably wouldn't have liked anyway.
Off to the library I headed. I didn't
make it. On the way to the Library I
walked by a very interesting tree and
decided that it would be a really good
idea to climb the tree in a reminiscent
moment of the days when the three
times I met the Firemen and it wasn't
because of the three fires 1 had lit. This
reminded me of the three fires I had lit
and decide to go light a fire somewhere
and await the ensuing melee. After a few
hours of various brilliant yet confusing
ideas popping into my head and just as
quickly popping out, the buzz started to
wear off and I realized that I was dancing
in my underwear on the roof the
Koerner Library. This, I realized, was a
very precarious position considering the
glass roof is hardly designed to support
its own weight, let alone mine as well. I
promptly got down through a very complicated set of gymnastics and luck,
found my pants, and then fell asleep. 1
woke up in the drunk tank out in New
Westminster but luckily Bob had my bed
made up for me and I slept very well.
The point is that this would never have
happened had I been able to get a can of
root beer instead of the coke and I think
that maybe caffeine is not the best mixer
for NyQuil™.
Don't worry folks, Jake Gray is currently
undergoing therapy for his condition, currently known as the Jake Gray Disorder.
You always kinda suspected, didn't ya?
a new level of hilarity to the subject.
Anyway, I promise my detractors that
the second reality reverts back to normal, The 432 will return to our regularly
scheduled programming. Thank you for
your patience.
On the other hand, all this weirdness
could be signalling the imminent end of
the world!
Run away! Go hide! Get your big pointy
stick and prepare for the end!
SUS's next
bzzr garden is on
14 March 1997
in the SUB
Partyroom at
4:32pm (would we
have it any other
We promise
excellent bzzr and
a good time for all!
See you there!
Dolby™ Stereochemistry. 05 MARCH 1997
The Deadpool Update.
As I'm sure all you dead heads out
there know, Deng Xiaopeng
Finally went to communist heaven (yes, I'm aware of the oxymoron. Just
savour the irony). Finally enough people
are kicking the bucket that the competition is heating up. Many people are really close and getting closer all the time;
any day now, the standings could
change. But right now, its
2. Frank Sinatra
3. Pope JPII
4. Queen Mum
5. Tuk the Polar Bear
6—^ari~S3gSi       (10 Pts)
7. Ronald Reagan
8. Jimmy Carter
9. Jaques Cousteau
10. Orson Welles
(5 Pts)
12. Alec Guinness
13. Abigale Van Buren
14—^fey-TSa        (2
15. Victor Borge
3rd Place(15 Pts);
1st Place(23 Pts): Jennifer Gardy  Taro M. Inoue
1. Liam Gallagher
2. Ronald Reagan
3. Boris Yeltsin
6. Kirk Douglas
7. Bob Hope
8. Queen Mother
9. Victor Borge
(12   Pts)
(11  Pts)
Strom Thurmond
Jimmy Carter
Tuk the Polar Bear
Todd Bridges
Jimmy Stewart
Jeanne Calment
As well as being first, Miss Jenn gets a
special mention for being the most
aggressive deadpool contestant I've ever
seen: she emailed me with Deng's death
almost before it was announced. Hey,
wait a minute.... anyway, her place in
the standings is well deserved.
1. JEng-aietog-eag
2. Marlon Brando
3. James Garner
4. Caspar Weinberger
6. Gary Coleman
7. Boris Yeltsin
8. Jack Palance
9. Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
10. Queen Mum
11. Adam West
12. Jaques Cousteau
13. John Gielgud
14. Mother Theresa
15. Ronald Reagan
Shawn. Wowk
(15 Pts)
2nd Place (17 Pts);
1. Wilfred Brimley
Jeremy Thorp.
(15 Pts)
Orson Wells
Arthur C Clark
Marlon Brando
Dick van Eyke
Boris Yeltsin
Jack Palance
Dick Clarke
Gerald Ford
The Faculty of Science Presents
A Lecture Serbs
for ALL Science
If s new and it's for font
^tutisHcs:  CA Qu\de to the ZfnUnown
a Science First! lecture by
Dr. Ned Glick
Professor Emeritus, Departments of Statistics
and Health Care & Epidemiology
Thursday, 6 March 1997
 12:30 - 1;30 PM - IRC Lecture Hall #6	
"What is the common principle that links clinical trials in medicine, mathematics of
record values, numeric integration in high-dimensional problems, interpretation of
blood or DNA tests for paternity, lotto strategies, real estate appraisals and
controversial "no-fault" auto insurance? When you read newspaper stories, do
you realize that many have a component of statistical analysis and that it is crucial
to interpret it correctly to evaluate the impact of the story on our lives?
Probability is pervasive in modern scientific theory, from quantum mechanics to
genetics to molecular biology. Statistics is a key tool not only in empirical science
and agriculture, but also in humanities and the arts. It is finding increasing use in
government, business and finance - for market research, "data mining", pricing of
options and futures and maintaining consumer price indices.
Who becomes a statistician and how? What does a statistician do? Dr. Glick will
talk about his personal experiences, introduce the history of "numeracy" and
describe some of his own academic and applied work in probability and statistics.
10. Jesse Helms
11. Dr. Jack Kevorkian
12. Frank Sinatra
13. Joe Dimaggio
14. Pope John Paul II
15. Jack Lord
Juri's Dead Politicians:
1. I^nrr^Jiaojyujuy ■ (15  Pts)
2. Pierre Trudeau
3. Boris Yeltsin
4. Ronnie reagan
5. Jimmy Carter
6. Bob Dole
7. Bill Clinton
8. Ross Perot
9. Pierre Trudeau (again)
10. Paul Martin
11. Lucien Bouchard
12. Margaret thatcher
13. Jean Chretien
14. Romeo le Blaine
15. Ted Kennedy
4th (14 Pts); David Collins
Ronald Reagan
DSfty xLstaggng    (14 Pts)
Kirk Douglas
Antoine "Fats" Domino
Orson Welles
Victor Borge
Muhammad Ali
Leonard Nimoy
Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Chris Robbinson
Saddam Hussein
Mother Theresa
Boris Yeltsin
Jimmy Stewart
5th (11 Pts): Jason Brett
1. Pope JP II
2. Boris Yeltsin
3. Mother Theresa
4. Mikhail Gorbachev
5. Qejag^Xianpeng     (11 Pts)
6. Kim II Sung
7. Fidel Castro
8. Ronald Reagan.
9. Elvis Presley
10. Anyone Who flies ValuJet
11. Jaques Parizeau
12. Queen Mother
13. Nelson Mandela
14. Yassir Arafat
15. Mike Richter
6th  (10 Pts):  Duncan Mc Hugh
1. Orson Welles
2. William S Burroughs
3. Richard  Pryor
4. Buddy Ebsen
5. Doris  Day
6. D5S?=5finaog§ng;" (10 Pts)
7. Mother Theresa
8. kirk Douglas
9. Tuk   the  Polar  Bear.
10. Boris Yeltsin
11. Ronald Reagan
12. Frank Sinatra
13. Pope JPII
14., Bob Hope
15.   Larry Hagman
Less than 10 Points and you're not
worth more than a mention here anymore. Craig Lessels got four points, as
did Brandon Macdonald which puts
both of them in seventh: Jordan
Catheral has two points in eighth.
As alwciys, if I've missed something
don't hesitate to let me know. Claudia
Liz is actually not dead so John's even
more desperate than ever for points.
Otherwise, it's good-bye until next week
from here at The 432. Don't fear the
12 MARCH   1 997
All submissions should be in
CHEM  E3 1 60 BY 4:32PM  ON THE
QUESTIONS? call 822-9876 PAGE FOUR
05 MARCH 1997
Messages from would-be exec.
Bella Carvalho
Hi. My name is Bella carvalho and I'm running for SUS president.
Lots of you may have already recognize me from my past few years
here at UBC... I was Sports Coordinator for SUS in 1994/95 and
External Vice President in 1995/96. In holding these positions, I
have dealt with many of the leadership and organizational requirements that Presidency would involve. My year away from executive duties has also given me a chance to step back and experience
SUS from the perspective of the regular student. This has given me
many ideas for what I want from SUS for the students. I don't have
the room required to explain them all here, so please feel free to
come by and see me, either in the SUS office, or e-mail me
abc@unixg... AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!
Troy Loss
Hello, my name is Troy Loss, and I am running for the position of
President. Eventhough I have not served on the executive before
does not mean I am not aware of what is going on. For the past two
years, I have served as the Chemistry Department Representative
and been on both Budget and Sales committees. This past year, I
was appointed Sales Manager, and boosted sales from the previous
If elected President, I would like improve relations with Science
clubs, other undergraduate societies, and the Alma Mater Society. It
is most important to patch up relations with the AMS, without giving in!
What I did last year:
• didn't actually LOSE any money
• Gave out more money in club grants than ever before
(It's a good thing... really!!)
• Reorganized SUS's financial record keeping
Why you should vote for me again:
• Hardworking
• Trustworthy
• The only one running
1 rlB'l
Hi, I'm Phil and I'm bald. This
is the bit where I am supposed
to shamelessly promote myself
and my bloated ego in the
hopes that you will vote yes and
make me your external vice
president for another year.
Apparrently, "Elephant heads"
is the name given to plant in
the family scrophulariaceae that
grows to as much as one and
half feet in height. It's a small,
perrenial herb, with deeply cut
fernlike leaves; it's flowers are
red or purple. Sadly, despite the
fact that it grows in Canada, I've
no idea what it tastes like.
Hello, my name is Edrick Yu,
and I am currently a first year
student and a SUS first-year rep.
I am going to be your new
Public Relations Officer next
year. (Thanks WY for encouraging me.)
Next year, I shall continue any
SUS traditions, and your suggestions are appreciated.
Jeremy Thorp for
Director of
Anu Sairti for Internal
My mandates include promoting better
teacher-student relations to equalizing the exam package
prices for all students. Also, if elected as the Internal V.P.
my duties are focused towards the activities of first year
students and on SUS academics affairs, in general. I
believe in myself, I believe in you, and I believe that I can
make a difference.
Rishell O'Brien
My name is Rishell O'Brien, and I am campaigning for the position of Executive Secretary. I am a third year Biology student,
intending to graduate next year, then continue with a Doctoral of
Chiropractic. For the past year I have been the Marketing
Executive, Newsletter Editor and SUS representative for BIOSOC. As
a highly qualified candidate, I have been a professional secretary
for the past five years. My primary ambition for next year is to
establish a mutually beneficial relationship between SUS and the
AMS. Together, we can create a student government that represents
the students it is responsible for.
Vote for Heitiry Wong
Executive Secretary
1) Will actually inform students on what's going on
at the university bureacratic level
2) Will listen to all opinions, ideas and complaints
3) Will truly represent Science students based on #2
4) Has extensive experience in SUS
- Current Internal Vice President
- 95 - 96 Director of Sports (the rebates guy)
Aarne Hamalainen
Hello! I am a nth year Geology
Major and I'm running for the
position of Director of Sports.
The main duties of D of S
include giving out sports
rebates for science teams and
also promoting intramural
sports. I feel that I can perform
these duties and any others that
pertain to this position. What
kind of experience do I have?
[President of the UBC
Astronomy Club 95-97,
Treasurer 93-95] I'm also in
Intramural Hockey and
Volleyball. So come out during
elections and Vote!
Warrick Yu
Hi, I'm Warrick Yu. I'm running for Director of Sports
again. This year I've adopted
the rebate policy, which ensures
that most rebates are given out
to students who paid the $12
SUS fee. I'm ready to listen to
any feedbacks. In addition, the
SUS Sports Banquet will be reinstated in March or April,
because recognizing devoted
students is very important.
Next year, if I'm re-elected, I'll
set up more sporting events.
Wed Ketr S: CUtVl, BIOL, fffiBB
Thu Mar 6: OttK, Wt$3, KjUM
fri Har 7: OttK, ttttT% CV$t
Come out and vote for th.e 1997/96 Science
Mfndergrad lu&ec!
r. E N C E
Bring your student
card to vote/ 05 MARCH 1997
Just another Sunday
So there I was. Jogging along SW
Marine Drive, enjoying the pretty
colours of the setting sun, when
something caught my eye. There, in the
distance, was a light that I thought was a
747 on approach to the airport. But,
unlike most jumbo-jets, this particular
light was pulsating blue, green, and red
colours. Then it veered directly at me.
Now, I know what you're all thinking.
Most of you are getting your official
Loony stamp ready and aiming at my
forehead. The rest of you are wondering
if these were the same aliens that stole
you from your bed in the middle of the
night. Think again.
A small, elegant craft buzzed in from
the south and quietly settled down on
the road, emitting a bit of steam from its
undercarriage. The whole area was
masked in a shroud of silence. The birds
that had been so noisy a few moments
ago decided that an early vacation as far
away from here as possible was in order.
The only noise was a slight humming
coming from the now motionless craft.
Being both a skeptic and a rational
thinker, I quickly came to the most logic
conclusion about my current situation
and acted appropriately. These were
obviously the legendary aliens from Tau
Sigma IV, and had come looking for yet
another healthy host body for Elvis (The
King may be alive, but he goes through
fried chili dogs like water). So I threw
myself to my knees and began to beg for
mercy from my new alien overlords.
A hissing sound startled me, and I
jumped to my feet, prepared to face my
dramatic fate. After all this tense buildup, I have to say that I was a bit disappointed to see the smiling face of Alan
Alda poke out of the cab.
This was about the last thing in the
world that I was expecting. Well, I might
have been a bit more surprised if Snoopy
hopped out and started dancing, but not
At first I attempted to rationalize this
whole event. Maybe Alan Alda was from
Tau Sigma IV, or maybe he was an
Earthly ambassador to the extraterrestrial race and had been chosen to make
first contact go smoother. Or rnaybe 1
had just completely wigged out.
Trying to salvage any remaining dignity
that I might have, I non-chalantly
brushed the dirt off my knees, looked up
and, as though his appearance didn't
shake me a bit, muttered "Oh, hi Alan."
"Hi! Do you know why I'm here?"
"Uh... let's see. You've come from the
far reaches of the galaxy to enlist my aid
in defeating the evil emperor Zorg-"
"No." Alan interrupted.
"Oh, well, maybe you've come with a
message of intergalactic peac-"
"No. Why don't I just tell you?"
"Guessing is more fun. You need my
DNA to supplement your own in a
deviant sheep cloning experiment?"
"No. Not at all."
"Good, I wasn't looking forward to that
Pre-Med Hopeful
one. You're on a joy ride and have nothing better to do than pick me up?"
"No. I've come from a mining colony
on one of Jupiter's moons. We need your
help re-ionizing our atmosphere. If it
isn't done in the next few days, our
entire colony will die! Will you help us?"
I blinked. I had no idea what he was
talking about, what a re-ion was, what it
had to do with an atmosphere or how to
go about making one. He obviously had
the wrong person, but how often do you
get to travel the solar system? "Sure," I
said, "I'm your man." and hopped in.
As wondrous and thrilling new technology goes, this particular example was
exceedingly tacky. The fuzzy dice
weren't so terribly bad, but they clashed
something horrible with the neon red
carpeted dashboard. And the glow-in-
the-dark beaded seat covers weren't
helping much. All-in-all, this whole
alien abduction thing was starting to be
a bit of a let down.
We zipped out of Earth's atmosphere
and set course for Jupiter. Only pausing
to moon some astronauts out on a space
walk from the space shuttle. It wasn't
until we cleared the asteroid belt that it
dawned on me that Alan was expecting
me to do something technical upon
landing, probably involving a lot of
knobs and levers.
T can fake it,' I thought to myself, 'Hell,
I got 100% on a midterm just by cleverly rephrasing the question and using
some fancy words. I can fake anything!'
"So, how do you intend to overcome
the problem of rephasing the positron
I had to think quick. "Pardon?"
"The positron emitter. It falls out of
phase when the ion stream is initiated,
this is very troublesome."
"I see. Well, the first thing that you
have to consider is the ion stream itself...
and how it's initiated. Once you've
solved that, I feel that the phase will
remain static long enough to avoid the
troublesome part."
Alan looked confused. "I... see." He said
after a little thought. Apparently just
rephrasing the question wasn't going to
get me by. 1 needed to act pigheaded and
arrogant like any real genius.
"Are you questioning my theories? I
mean, you weren't a very convincing
Korean War doctor, I can't imagine how
abysmal your skill at phasic studies is!"
Alan shut up for the rest of the trip. I
was starting to hate him.
Shortly after landing, Alan escorted me
to a platform overlooking an unusual
arena of some kind. It wasn't the arena
that was so unusual. In fact, it wasn't the
fact that it was packed full of people,
either. It was the people, rather aliens,
that were particularly unusual. Ever seen
the bar scene from Star Wars? You get
the idea.
On this platform was situated a large
machine contain an impressive bank of
switches, levers, knobs and, yes, even
blinking lights. Gene Rodenbury would
have been proud.
Then it hit me. They were expecting me
to do this thing live. In front of what
had to be 20,000 aliens, all of them looking expectantly at me, none of whom
would be especially happy with me
should I make a mistake and totally
eradicate life on their planet.
'Oh man,' I thought to myself, 'I'm
going to get lynched, ain't I? Why didn't
my horoscope say something about this
this morning?'
To be continued... PAGE SIX
05 MARCH 1997
The Morning.     The Commute.
It all begins the same. I'm lying on the
beach somewhere unmistakably tropical. The sand has just enough colour
as to prevent it from becoming annoying. A light breeze blows gently across
my back, so that the sun doesn't overheat it. I'm watching the waves crashing
onto the sand; perhaps I'll get up and go
body surfing later. My companion is
telling me a story. She is interesting. I
laugh at her jokes. Life is good.
And then, I hear it. Faintly. Off in the
distance. The sound of somebody
shelling the hell out of something. The
sun goes behind a cloud. The wind
brings goose-flesh to my back. The
shelling is coming closer. I turn to my
companion to ask if we might want to
leave, but when I look, she isn't her anymore. She's Jiminy Cricket.
What is going on here?
A new sound has become apparent. A
sound I've heard somewhere before. A
sound like someone hitting a small dog,
over, and over. And over.
"Time to get up," says Jiminy.
Instantly, I understand my situation: it's
morning again, but thankfully I'm still
asleep, so something can be done about
"Listen," I say, "It's cold and raining out
there, it's warm, soft, and comfy in here.
All of my comfy undies are in the laundry, and the only cereal in the house is
bran flakes. If I get up, I may well die an
untimely death. Besides, remember last
Tuesday? Neither of us wants that to happen again."
"Sorry," says Jiminy, "You haven't been
to your 8:30 in a month, and the
midterm's this Friday. Besides that, you
have to go to the bank to explain about
your credit card, and you also have to
pay your rent before you get evicted."
Reason isn't going to work, so I try
bribery. "Come on Jim, just fifteen more
minutes. I can buy you a beer, or something, and I'll even WKB this afternoon
after work."
"Up. Now." he says. Jiminy is advancing
towards me, now, and he's brandishing
that umbrella in a way that makes me
uncomfortable. Perhaps trying to bribe
my conscience wasn't such a good idea.
"Okay, okay," I say, backing off.
I've mixed it up with the Cricket before.
He may be a bug, but he's tough. Besides,
if I concede now, I can slip in a nap later
when his guard is down. And so, grudgingly, I wake. The first item on the morning's agenda is to find that dog and put
it out of its misery. Slowly, carefully, I
open my eyes, and discover the source of
the noise. It's that damned new alarm
clock. (I will always rue the day I choose
to save ten bucks by buying the clock
without the radio.)
Now comes the most difficult step in
the whole process, far worse than waking up. Getting up. This requires a
debate. On the con side, as predicted it's
a typical Vancouver morning, and judging from the laundry pile in the corner,
it's going to be a bad underwear day. The
only pro is the shower, that most hedonistic of daily rituals. Forget primal
scream therapy, having a shower is like
stopping by the womb for a visit. Any
activity in which you get to be naked
can't be all bad.
I grit my teeth, and shivering, stumble
down the hall to the shower. Viewed
under warm water, the day doesn't look
so bad. Soon I'll be clean and dry, having
a nice breakfast. I may even pass that
mid-term. This will be a day full of
adventure... except that I used the last of
the coffee yesterday morning.
A day without coffee is a day spent in
bed. Even Jiminy can't argue with that
Matt Wiggin has spent the last six years
of his life actively campaigning to have AM
hours officially declared a disaster zone, to
be avoided at all costs.
Josh Fuller
On   the   Sunday   of   Febuary   23,   1997,
between the hours of 5:00 AM and 3:00 PM,
a perpetrator entered the
Science Undergraduate Society Ofiice, and vandalized a
computer, causing it substancial damage.
If you have any information related to this crime, please
contact the Science Undergraduate Society or The 432 a
Anyone who provides
information may remain anonymous.
Wouldn't it feel great to pull the mask off of the
perpetrator, only to discover it's that dastardly professor,
and then hear him utter in disgust, "It would have
worked if not for you meddling kids!?"
Driving Correspondent
It is a common practice in the journalistic world to divide large groups of people
into two smaller groups. Many writers, after making such a classification, will go
on to expound mightily on why one of these, will go on to expound mightily on
why one of these groups is so much better than the other, which usually has something to do with the fact that one of the groups includes them.
I have never been to the journalistic world; I imagine it to be a giant wad of
newsprint, whereupon throngs of large-mouthed, small-minded minions wander
back and forth exchanging business cards and Kraft Dinner recipes. On the other
hand, I tend to have dreams involving oversized marshmallows and infinitely
stretchy rubber bands, so it may be wise to disregard my view. At any rate, my general (if somewhat obscured) purpose in this article is to divide the student population of UBC into two group's, and expound mightily on one while I ignore the other.
And so I begin.
There are two kinds of people at our fair school: those who commute to campus,
and those who live in residence. Commuters, and... um... non-commuters, I guess.
Do they have a name?
I drive in from White Rock. That's about an hour each way, in rush hour, five days
a week. I am what is known as an Extreme Commuter. We are a rare, strange breed,
our lungs have adapted to convert exhaust fumes to oxygen, and we can identify
every radio DJ by voice. We are the ones who lie back in our seats, calmly relaxed, as
lines of infuriated motorists scream and honk at the idiot who has stopped in the
fast lane to search for a lost contact lens. We have seen it all, and nothing fazes us.
It's not easy to spot the differences between a commuter and an on-campus duellers.
Appearances and mannerisms will seldom provide clues. This is because most commuters undergo a strange transformation upon entering their vehicles. You may be
good friends with a commuter; they may seem like the nicest person you could ever
meet (on a university campus, anyway), but chances are that once this friend of
yours slips behind the wheel, he or she will shed the niceties of civilized behavior
and revert back to the brutal primitive instincts.
Most drivers tend to suffer from the common misconception that they are the only
individual on the road who knows what they're doing, and that all the other cars are
controlled by drooling idiots or raving lunatics. Although it may at times seem as
though the guy two lanes over has more control over his cell phone than his BMW,
or that the lady in front of you insists on driving much too close, most drivers are,
in fact, intelligent and sane people. I suggest a helpful exercise. Try to identify with
your fellow drivers. Recognize that they, too, have schedules to schedule, worries to
worry, and self-serving biases to, uhh, be biases by. Make an effort to understand why
they act as they do. A couple of examples:
"Oh dear, that lady behind me, into whose lane I just entered very carefully and
politely, is flashing her brights at me. She must have been very fond of looking at
the bumper of the car in front of us. Since she would probably not be cheered by the
sight of one of my fingers. I'll just ignore her."
Or: "How interesting; that kindly old man has left his left-turn signal on. Perhaps
he is trying to pull himself up to see over the dashboard."
These examples are sarcastic, and perhaps detrimental to my point, but you get the
idea. So next time you're on the road, try giving others the benefit of the doubt. It
makes the commute much less stressful!
Aside from being immune to "Road Madness," Josh Fuller has displayed a remarkable
immunity to Red Measles, The Black Plague, and Sleeping Sickness. He is, however, a
known carrier of all these diseases and should be considered very infectious.
He spends his weekends volunteering time at the local rest home.
*Stifprt$al Surprise* Unfrstendeci
Consec|uen<je$ of public fbticies''
A Seminar 8f®m spmmetiW'&t!®- Ommd Science One
All ate wefcome "'come and jofo us?i
"Feminism, Pornography and the Criminal Code (or
just how democratic can we be?)"
lecture by
Dr. Kay Stockholder
Professor Emeritus, English and
President, B. C. Civil Liberties Association
13 March 1997, Thursday
IRC Lecture Hall #6, 12:30-1:20
To follow. 1:30 - 2:15 pm
A discussion led by Dr. Joe Nayior, Lecturer, Arts One Program
"Philosophical Dimensions of the Problem
 of Unintended Consequences"'
Bring your lunch and we will provide the soft drinks! 05 MARCH 1997
The Drawers
of SUS.
Tracy MacKinnon
My reports seem to be getting
shorter and shorter, so I'll
endeavor to make it a bit longer
this issue (after all, it is one of the last
issues for which I'll be writing!). The
unfortunate part of this is that 1 have
very little to say - I mean, it was just
Spring Break, and I did very little of
interest to anyone, including myself. 1
am in the process of reading Dilbert
Executive elections are March 5-7, so
look for poll booths at a science building
near you. Maybe even check out the
posters of the candidates, and make a
decision about who you think would do
the best job. And then, sign in and vote.
Once. Yep, democracy at its finest. We
John's had a lot of problems putting out
this paper, since some vindictive and
malicious person(s) broke into our office
Phil Ledwith
External Vice President
Rodents!! Rodents Everywhere!!!
Run For your lives!!!! Rats chewed
their way through a several inches
of wood, canvas and plasterboard to gain
access to the chEEze Pub this week, we
were told in the first MAS meeting held
by the new exec (and you were wondering how I spent my time). Science is
presently looking into the hypothesis
that aforementioned "rats" were actually
cloned Scottish rodent-sheep, especially
given their chosen target. I'll keep you
updated as news unfolds.
This is the first real chance I've had to
say a really big thank you to all the people who helped out with Science week
and went to make it one of the best in
recent years. The figures are not
absolutely final, but it's pretty certain
that we managed to spend only a teensy
weensy bit more than the budget
allowed. I only got to hear the last few
beats of 54»40's last song, and I didn't
really have a chance to sample the beer
before some wanker pulled the fire
alarm, but it was a lot of fun.
Lastly, there's a survey being put together for Beyond the B.Sc. At the Science
Week lunch with the Dean someone
brought up the possibility that we could
launch some kind of careers fair for the
third and fourth year students, and I'm
interested in any other ideas that anyone
might have. Look for this survey in your
third and fourth year classes next week,
or possibly the week after if my
midterms really suck.
and poured salt water in the new computer. This is also especially inconvenient for the elections candidates who
need to make their campaign posters. 1
can think of several people who would
enjoy squashing this person(s) like the
proverbial bug. Torture is too good for
him/her/them. 1 think you know how 1
feel about this.
Storm the Wall sign up started last
week, so be sure to sign up on a SUS
team to receive your 50% rebate.
The Grad Class AGM (for all people registered in fourth year) is on Friday March
7, 1997 from 11:30 am - 7:30 pm in the
SUB Partyroom. You'll get to vote on the
grad class gifts that most appeal to you,
and then you'll get a bzzr and a Subway
sub! What a deal! And don't forget to
apply to be a Convocation speaker.
Come talk to me by March 18th, 1997 if
you're interested in being a speaker for a
science convocation.
1 think that was an acceptable job of
lengthening rny report.
Blair McDonald
There's not much new in the World
of Senate, since the February meeting was cancelled due to lack of
business. One thing that appears to be
brewing is the debate over the Child
Education Centre. This is a facility that
acts both as a school (up to kindergarten) and as a training/research centre
for the Faculty of Education. Apparently,
the Faculty of Education decided to close
the facility, and now I'm been swamped
with letters of protest from parents, faculty and staff. Sometimes it sucks to be
on the Senate mailing list.
One other thing: would Gloria Lau, the
incoming Science Senator, please contact
me at SUS. It would be really nice to
know to whom I'm leaving the all-
important academic life of Science students to.
On to Grad Class Council. All Science
students should make an effort to attend
the Annual General Meeting on Friday,
March 7 in the SUB Partyroom. It goes
from 11:30 to 7:30, so you've got plenty
of time. The major item of business is
voting on which Grad Class Gifts are
going to be funded. SUS has a few on the
ballot (in addition to a number of other
quality proposals from other groups), so
it's important to take the time to vote. In
exchange for your taking the time, Grad
Class Council will be pleased to give you
a sub sandwich and a BEvERage.
Finally, to all those looking for summer
work, take heart. It is possible to hunt
down that mythical beast, the "career-
related" summer job. It only takes about
60 resumes or so, so start mailing now.
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Hello again to everyone, it's been a while since I wrote one of these but then
again I haven't done anything major since you last heard from me. Oh wait
there was that little concert featuring 54*40. We're still trying to clean up
from that one but it was definitely what you would call a success. Surprisingly
enough I almost made one of the budgets that I was originally told to make.
Unfortunately 1 still haven't figured out which one. Oh well.
Hey in other news we're having another bzzr garden on March 14 in the Partyroom.
It should be another good party with very fine bzzr. So 1 hope to see everyone there.
Hmm, I'd like to remind everyone to vote in the upcoming SUS elections. After all
you want responsible people looking after all the cool stuff around here.
Bye now.
A Sincere Message of Thanks
When the dijrk clouds of misfoitune invaded our horizon, the
tomplclion ot thu> issue ot 'Ilie -U2 \\ .is shrouded with doubt.
With the mighty armour of our strongest, w sirnor-con .puter pierced,
a series of horrible events spread through the blessed office of
creation. The staff began to suffer from strange fungal infections,
the doors and window? were sealed by a chance lava flow, and
some gremlins died in the air duc':s, thi s creating a ghastly odour.
Tidings were dismal indeed, and the land cried out for a hero.
A shaft of light shattered the clouds and revealed an answer to
the desperate prayer. A new warrior, larger and more powerful
than the last, came to The 432 from the divine light. With a
processing speed of the latest lore, resolution that could reveal
fantastic realms, and a monitor of righteous proportions, this
issue of The 432 was produced on a PowerComputing PowerCenter
132. This warrior would stay with the rejoicing staff on a loan
from the supernatural force known as CIubMac Consulting. Until
the armour of the familiar computer of old was mended, The 432
was grateful to reap the benefits of its:
604/132/512K L2 Cache/2MB VRAM/
5 month warranty, and the fact
that it runs both Mac and PC monitors
Soon this proud computer must leave us to service another desperate
land. Perhaps yours! You can own this very computer for only
$22001 (An excellent deal if you ask the editor!)
ClubMae Consulting
Also available:
6400/180/16/1.6 - $1950
8500AV/132/16 - $3100
Make democracy work!
Vo "
our Karma will never
the same!
s open 10am-4pm at the following tocatio
Wed, Mqi*&: CHEM, BIOL. HEBB
rttdr.6: CHEM. HENN,ii£J
05 MARCH 1997
Why Codeine shouldn't
be given to people like Jer.
I've been sick for a week. Along with a
high fever, severe pain, and a number
of other unmentionable symptoms,
I've also come down with the most
feared of all side-effects. I have the urge
to write my column about being sick.
Now, if you were to add up the number
of articles which have been written in
the last ten years on the subject of illness, you'd come up with a surprising
total. In fact, with the possible exception
of articles about beer, I would think that
disease-related articles are quite possibly
the most frequent species in The 432
subject subphylum.
So, I'll shut up.
No, I'll shut up about that, too.
A lawsuit has recently been launched by
David Stockwell against the New
Democratic Party of British Columbia.
The lawsuit states that the NDP won the
recent provincial elections by promising
a balanced budget — something which
they haven't done, and which, the plaintiff argues, they never had any intention
of doing. Well, duh.  If Mr. Stockwell
wins, I'm going to be the first person to
cash in on the precedent. I'll sue every
major political party in the last 50 years
— I can guarantee that each and every
one of them has made at least one
promise which they had absolutely no
intention of carrying out (read my lips
— no new taxes). Let's face it. Suing a
politician for lying is like suing a stripper
for indecent exposure.
Speaking of exposure, I watched an
interview with Australian supergroup
Silverchair this morning. The band spent
twenty minutes brooding, pouting, and
making what I'm sure they thought were
very poignant commentaries on humanity.
"Sure," said the over-pierced, underfed
bass player, "I think war is bad. I mean,
these are real people, you know. And
those bullets hurt. Not like in the cinema."
"Yeah," agreed the guitarist. "And
they're really hot, too. They like burn
your flesh and stuff."
Apparently, the interviewer was laughing just as hard as I was, and ended the
interview with what had to be the most
deliciously embarrassing question I've
ever heard.
"So," she asked, " do your parents come
on tour with you?"
Three minutes of silence, and a bit more
"Well, yeah," answered the singer, trying his hardest to maintain his well prepared I-may-blow-my-head-off-any-
minute scowl. "They do."
I apologize for being so cynical. I think
it's a side effect of the Codeine.
Speaking of drugs, I've spent far too
much time in the emergency room lately. At first, I was pretty disappointed. In
seven hours, I didn't see one patient
recessitated by those cool electro-paddle
things. And, on the whole, there were a
lot more crazy people there than I would
have liked. Then I found the cast room.
Not only were there copious quantities
of Plaster of Paris, and several hundred
feet of gauze, but there were also a couple of really big saws. I learned three
quite important thing that day. First, I
found out that my art skills are really
quite extraordinary. Second, I discovered
that it is, in fact, possible to completely
recreate the Roswell tapes in a hospital
emergency room. Third, I discovered
that, along with linen-folding and bedpan-washing, most nurses also know a
fair bit of Judo. Ouch.
Speaking of Jedi, Star Wars continues to
set records, as both the first and second
parts of the trilogy remain at the top of
the box office, raking in millions upon
millions of new dollars.
Now, 1 like Star Wars as much as the
next nerd, but this obvious attempt at a
money grab is starting to get on my
nerves. I'm waiting for George Lucas to
announce that Return of the Jedi will be
released in four separate parts, over the
span of the next three years. Each segment will contain forty-eight minutes of
new footage, including digitally re-animated versions of all the scenes in the
original movie, all of the scenes which
had cut from the original movie, and,
indeed, every scene which every fourteen year old in 1983 wrote in to George
Lucas suggesting 'Wouldn't it be neat
My favorite is the new scene in which
Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Obe Wan,
and the Emperer have a battle royal in a
futuristic laser-lighted world, speeding
along on those cool Tron bikes while
being cheered on by the entire cast of
The Goonies.
It's interesting to note that, while the
listed side effects of Tylenol Threes
include nausea and constipation, that
nothing is mentioned about the negative effect which Codeine seems to have
on the creative process. Mind you, last
time I checked, that warning didn't
appear on alcohol containers, either.
Funny, that.
£*« '' i
(1) $3000,
(2) $3000.
4)   $2500   for  a  SUS  security  alarm
$3 000   to  upgrade  SUS  computer
fix  the .Cheese  Factory
Lowment  Fund
(6) $3000
in Woodward Library
(7) $2753   to upgrade CiTR computer
(8) $3 000   to build new SUB banner
'¥■ 9.i 'K "-"i 'ti  --. P?
(9)   plus  other  gifts  TBA
The  Grad Class  AGM  is
your chance  to vote on
which gifts you'd like
to  leave   for  future
students.   Quorum  is   5%
of the graduating class,
and in  exchange   for
your  time,   we'll   give
you a sub sandwich and
a BEvERage. Drop by the
SUB  Partyroom between
11:3 0am. and  7:30pm!
Tridag march 7


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