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UBC Publications

The 432 Jan 11, 1993

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Array January 18-22
Details inside
Please <lo not fold, spindle,
mutilate or mimie in The
Liidergi'miiidL Thank ion.
The Newspaper For Science Students — Vol 6 No 7 X 11 Jan '93
In a stunning and tender
ceremony, former SUS
External Vice-President and
Room Manager Erik "The
Fish" Jensen, in the company
of family and friends, graduated from the University of
British Columbia last fall,
marking the end of an era in
undergraduate society administration.
Jensen was granted a
Bachelor of Science degree:
in General Science by Les
Peterson, the Chancellor of
the University, six and a half
years after entering the institution in 1986. Listed as the
very last student on the ceremonial program, he com-
memmorated the happy occasion by presenting Peterson,
UBC President David
Strangway and Dean of
Science Barry McBride each
with a can of Guinness Pui)
Draught beer, at the presentation onstage.
According to witnesses,
Dr. McBride was the only of
the three to keep his award,
saying later that "he'd never
let a good Guinness go to
The undergraduate career
of The Fish was one of which
legends are made. One of the
most recognizable and well-
known students on campus,
he was liked and respected
by all who knew and worked
with him. He was involved in
virtually all of the workings
of SUS, and was one of the
founding members of the \ "C^® \ l^** V^e
\       -4^ st\f* *
populist Radical Beer FactioK « .*^rt
political group. His list of
achievements and record in
representing the Faculty of
Science were exemplary.
In honor of the countless
hours of service that Jensen
has provided SUS over the
years, this year's Council has
dedicated an annual service
award in his name, to be presented every year at the
Annual General Meeting to
the SUS member who distinguishes themself in service to
electN *
himself has recently
job with a local
irm, where he is
ng to become
iesigner. And,
d boy can
ionally be
to becomi
of course,
can still occas^
seen haunting
training to
e an electronics
Shakespeare at home
95820" The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 7 $ 11 jan '93
for Science
Week Issue
Nite — SUS
7:00 pm
ISEvERagies iO
131= THERE.
OEM 16
Submit Something...
By this point of the year,
everyone should have a pretty
good idea what this here rag's
about. Basically, The 432
(remember, that's "Four
Thirty-Two", not "Four-Three-
Two") is precision-crafted to
make those 8:30 lectures just a
little more palatable.
I'm told it's supposed to be
a source of information about
events happening with SUS
and Science in general. Ah,
well, can't win 'em all...
Getting serious for possibly
the first time in the five-year
life of The 432, I'm going to
say that I'm running out of
steam. I can't keep The 432
going without the help of some
of you out there in
What kind of help, you ask?
(Or I'm hoping you do, anyways. . .)' Well, I know for a
fact that there are some of you
with pretty ascerbic wits out
there. I don't care if you
"can't" write, just write the
damned article that you think
"would look really neat in The
432." Trust me, as an editor,
one's skills at clarifying and
correcting copy get very polished.
Anyway, not to evade the
point for too long, what I'm
getting at is that we have a
rather serious labour shortage
in here. So write or draw or
photograph something, and get
it in to me.
However, keep in mind that
I may not print what you've
given me. I'm an editor. I have
to figure out what's appropriate, what's too offensive, what
needs work and what falls flat
on its face. The reason you
keep reading The 432 is that its
standards for humour are pret
ty high. So, to those who've
submitted things in the past
which weren't printed, my
apologies for not getting back
to you about it. It's not a personal slight, and realize that
for every five articles / begin,
maybe one will make it into
print. Try, try again...
That's about enough earnest
discussion for one issue, so I'll
get down to the gory details
about submitting things to The
You've most likely noticed
that articles tend to be pretty
free-form around here, on
essentially any topic which
isn't boring. Stupid is okay.
The preferred length is around
500 to 700 words, and I'd
advise staying at the short end
until you figure out what particular brand of humour you're
good at.
I prefer having articles submitted on 3.5" disk. If you
don't have a machine, you can
always come in and use the
Macs in SUS, or submit it in
legible handwriting. We use
Microsoft Word for the Mac
for copy editing. Most
Macintosh file formats
(MacWrite II, etc.) are readable, so almost any Mac text
file is okay. As for you MS-
DOS users out there, don't
despair, as we can translate it
off an MS-DOS disk.
However, the file will be useless unless you save it in a special format. WordPerfect users
should save it as either a
generic text file (Ctrl-F5, Save
Generic), or as DOS text (Ctrl-
F5, DOS Text). Users of Word
for Windows should save the
file in RTF (Rich Text
Format), or as Text Only (both
options are available in the
Save As... dialog box). And,
I'd appreciate it if you could
put your name and phone number on the disk if you ever
hope to get it back.
As for the article itself, it's
really helpful if it's been
spellchecked and proofread
before it gets to me. It's not
absolutely necessary, since I
will do both of those as well,
but it really saves me time.
The only requirement here is
that the ink be black. I've had
articles submitted in purple,
which is second only to blue
for poor reproduction. I prefer
that the original be anywhere
from 150 to 200% of the size
at which you anticipate it will
be printed. A guesstimate is
fine, though. Crisp lines and
no more detail than is necessary are other things to shoot
For you avant-garde types
that are doing computer art
(and who presumably know
the difference between draw-
and paint-style graphics), look
over the section on submitting
articles by disk above. For
draw-style graphics, you
should submit an Encapsulated
PostScript (Mac format) file,
as well as copies of any nonstandard Adobe Type 1 or
TrueType fonts you may have
used. Paint-style graphics
should be submitted in RIFF or
TIFF format.
That's about it. Next two
deadlines are Tuesday, January
12, and Tuesday, January 26.
Go wild, eh?
Computer Snackers. Vol 6 No 7 X H /an ^3    7/ie four Thirty-Two
Editor Suffers Bladder Explosion in
Caffeine-Related Tragedy
"Whooooah! Cool,"'says Assistant Editor
Welcome back, all. I hope
everyone had a nice, nonde-
nominational/nonchromist celebration of the Winter Solstice,
and partook in the festivities
marking the arbitrarily-set
Gregorian calendar year-end.
(I had a white Christmas in
London, Ontario and
Edmonton, but rest assured
that I feel very guilty about the
centuries of oppression that it
In case you're wondering
what that was about, I picked
up a wonderful book over the
holidays entitled NOT
Politcally Correct: A Field
Guide to Surviving the PC
Reign of Terror, by
Vancouverite Ric Dolphin. I
highly recommend you pick up
a copy at your nearest non-gra-
nola bookshoppe. I won't spoil
it for you, but suffice it to say
that it has a useful glossary
which defines "speciesism".
Those of you who were around
last year might remember that
my predecessor, Patrick
Redding, was slapped with that
label after we printed an obituary for SUS's mascot, Igor the
Millipede. Anyway, the book
suggests the non-PC alternative term "pest control".
As well, it contains the most
sensible quote ever made about
the Hitler Youth of the PC
movement, by Alan Keyes:
"These codes punishing verbal
harassment are patronizing and
paternalistic ... The 'protec
tion' they promise is that there
is some inherent genetic weakness — a black genetic weakness on my part. And that's
why codes of conduct are
needed to protect me. That is
the most insulting, the most
racist statement of all."
Once again, I'm taking
advantage of editor's privilege
and writing my article only
hours before the print deadline.
Ah, well, those who read the
first issue this year are famili ar
with what being stuck in
Edmonton does to the creative
urge. Trust me — neurons fire
an awful lot slower at ~40"C,
Well, being the white male
of Northern European descent
that I am, I have decided to
follow the Gregorian calendiir,
which means it's time for:
The Editor's New Year's
1.1 resolve never, ever, ever
again to make reference to
last year's Ubyssey article
which epoused the virtues
of masturbation with carrots.
2.1 promise to — or was it
cucumbers? Ah, shit! I
guess I already blew it.
Well, so much for that. I
have to admit... I'm at a loss;
for things to write about. I'm
waiting for the feathers to fly
come AMS Campaign week
(not that I would do anything
to encourage it in any way. Of
course not. That would be
catering to an urge to sensationalize the drama of it all. I'd
never do something that
'Til next ish...
To: All Science students (and any other interested persons)
From: Sarah Thornton, Science Week Coordinator
Re: Science Week'93
It's only a week away! The most important week in the year for all you
Science students here at UBC. And no, you don't have to study for it.. And no,
you needn't panic... It's a week of Juri and excitement — it's SCIENCE WEEK!
Stalling on Monday, January 18, students will have the opportunity to peruse
and pursue various enlightening and entertaining activities for the course of the
So first thing, head on over to the SUB building for the displays in the concourse. Each clubwill be strutting about, showing off its events, and the joys of its
parental department. Step on over to see, for instance, a scintillating superconductor at the Physsoc table, or a variety of interesting invertebrates from Biosoc, or a
display of stupendous stones at the Dawson Club table.
When you've had enough of the clubs, pop on over to the Chemistry building
on Monday at 12:30 for a Magic Sliow, or to SUB plaza on Thursday for the 6th
annual Trike Race (hint, hint,... register now in CHEM 160). Gyotaku, the
Japanese art offish printing, is happening Wednesday through Friday in SUB, and
the CS-5 is holding a car rally on Wednesday night.
If you get hungry, and start hunkering for munchies and a movie, (not. over the
TV withdiawl symptoms yet after the break, eh?) hop on over to SUS 11:30—1:30
for our open house — schmooze with the council members and glue your eyes to
the medium-sized TV screen and rot your brain some more!!! And if that's not
enough — come to see The Fly in the SUB auditorium on Tuesday night.
Make sure you eat a good breakfast and lunch one day and give the gift of life
at the Red Cross blood donor clinic.
To top the whole week off, please join us at the Sci Wk dance on Friday night.
The Hard Rock Miners & the Love Bugs (featuring SUS expatriate Derek "Dik"
Miller) will be there. Lotsa fun. Tw. are $5 at the AMS Box Office or from SUS
Council members.
See ya therel
The Morris Methods
Jamie Morris
Resident Experimentalist
Experiment #2
Observations of Grinch-like
muscles vs. Mytilus edulus-Xike
1. Procedure:
This experiment was performed over the Christmas holidays in Beme, Switzerland.
The reason for such a distant
location is because Berne is
now the city where test subject
#1 lives — the famous green
skinned Grinch.
I had heard rumours from
colleagues that the Grinch was
alive and well today (long after
his starring role in How the
Grinch stole Christmas by Dr.
Seuss), but had taken up body
building. This is because he
found his body was proportionately too small compared to his
heart (if you saw the show you
will remember that it grew to
two times the size after he
found out Christmas wasn't just
about gifts). To compensate
this size imbalance, the Grinch
has been taking anabolic
steroids and growth hormone
for some time. Rumour is the
Grinch is now the strongest
being on this earth.
Test subject #2 is a mutant of
my own creation (for purposes
here we shall call him
McGriff), that was synthesized
in my lab using advanced techniques of recombinant DNA
(genetic engineering). McGriff
is an intelligent Mytilus edulus
(more commonly known as a
sea mussel — those small black
things found attached to rocks
at the beach). What makes
Mytilus edulus so interesting is
its special muscle physiology
which allows it to keep its muscles contracted without using
ATP (ie. it doesn't require
energy.) It is this attribute that
allows Mytilus edulus to remain
attached to rocks. Sea mussel
McGriff is an average sized
Mytilus edulus with a tested
IQ. of 230. He is extremely
proficient in mathematics,
physics, and Snakes 'n
In this experiment three tests
were made to compare and contrast the strengths and weaknesses of the Grinch's muscle
physiology to those of sea mussel McGriff's. In this experiment I hope to confirm which
type of muscle is more useful
in everyday life.
2. Data and Observations
Experimental Design: Both the
Grinch and sea mussel McGriff
were to be placed in a rowdy
bar in a shadier part of Berne.
The two are then to be given
instructions to start a massive
bar fight.
Observations: An initial difficulty was encountered in
attempting to find a remotely
shady part of Berne. That hurdle passed, a massive bar fight
did ensue when the Grinch told
a couple of Swiss militiamen
where exactly they could put
their Toblerones. Not only did
a fight start in the first bar, but
when it was going strong both
test subjects entered new bars
and started fights there. From
the data collected (number of
chairs smashed, number of
noses broken, etc. by each subject), it appears that the Grinch-
like muscle physiology is superior to that of McGriff's in this
type of situation. However, this
might be due to sea mussel
McGriff's small size rather
than any other biological superiority. An honourable mention
does go to McGriff for his daring, and frequent 'privates-
clamp' manoeuvre performed
on opponents many times larger
Test #2
Experimental Design: Ten
females (all students at UBC)
are asked who they would prefer to date — the muscular
Grinch or the diminished sea
mussel McGriff.
Evaluation: Eight expressed
that they would rather date "the
cute little sea mussel" than the
muscular Grinch. The other two
launched on tirades about the
androcentricity of dating in
general, and this data was discarded. When asked their reasons, they all claimed that they
definitely would prefer an intelligent, sensitive Alan Alda-type
male (even one lacking in a
clearly-defined central nervous
system and distinguishing
physical characteristics) over a
less intelligent and insensitive,
albeit "built", handsome, green-
furred, male.
Test #3
Experimental Design: The
Grinch and McGriff are both
placed in my basement on two
chairs equidistant from the
front door. They are then each
handed a piece of paper which
Anybody who has ever,
- descanted a syllabary
- extirpated a reticular formation
- derogated from their peers
- exsanguinated any organism of the phylum Chordata
- beat decorticated
- transmogrified into an aphid
- been enraptured by the insalubrious
- exsiccated a syncarp
- transubstantiated a syce into a sycee
- exonerated all their promiscuous aquaintances
- practised coprophagy
Get in touch with Jamie Morris
(Resident Experimentalist) A.S.A.P.
Did you know that
there is a type of tropical fish called
Labroides dimidiatus
of which all individuals are born female.
These fish form populations which can be
viewed in human
terms as "harems".
The largest and most
powerful female fish
changes itself into a
male and dominates
and rules this harem.
Isn't this outright sexism? Doesn't it bother you that the innocent female is changed
against her own free
will into a male?
Shouldn't you do
something about this?
If the answer is yes,
do something now!!
Evaluation: The Grinch
won the initial part of this test
(it was a cleverly disguised
muscle reflex test). The Grinch
was out the door within 2.3 seconds after reading the note.
Sea mussel McGriff clomped
out five seconds later. The second part of the test was won by
McGriff, however. It was he,
and not the Grinch, who swam
out to the tropics and showed
Labroides dimidiatus the errors
in its ways (It was a simple
matter of inflicting human values and the correct theories of
how a society should function
upon Labroides dimidiatus —
thereby rectifying the situation)
3. Conclusion
The experiment does not conclusively demonstrate the superiority of either muscle physiology. This experiment has
turned out in a tie, and is very
subjective anyway. Decide for
yourself which one is better.
(But do bear in mind the results
of Test #2. There's something
to be said for having a cousin
that does pearls). See you next
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and Executive Whip-Cracker
Contributing Writers Janice Boyle, Michael Chow,
Aaron Drake, Carmen McKnight, Orvin Lau, Derek
Miller, Jamie Morris, Rod Reddekopp, Sarah
Thornton, and with me as always is Rog.
Party on, Rog.
ART    and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts
Contributing Artists Amy Hillaby
and Roger Watts
Printer College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, Ltd.
11 jlnuir "H> Vol 6, No 7
The 432 is published bWeekly by the Scence Undergraduate Society of
UBC, somewhere close u> Main Mall and University Blvd. We generally
make cute hats out of our mail, especial V the politically correct Huff, so
don't bother sending any. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 7 f II Ian 93
Aaron Claus is Coming to Town
I'm relieved Christmas is
over. Now I won't have to go
in my basement for another
Christmas, by and large, has
been a serious stumbling block
on my way to getting rich (I
want to become rich, by the
way, in order to be able to
dress very strange and be
referred to as an eccentric
rather than a slob, which is
what I'm referred to as now).
I don't resent having to buy
Christmas presents. In fact, I
love doing that. In the long
run, I break even, because
even though I'm spending
$1.19 to buy my Good Friend
Alan a carrot peeler, I know
he's spending the same amount
to buy me an airhorn.
What bugs me about
Christmas is that Western
Civilization, as a whole, grinds
to a halt. One cannot do business on the week of Christmas.
It is a time to become festive
and merry It is a time to sing
Christmas carols. It is a time to
put together the present that
has Some Assembly Required,
but in actual fact could not be
put together by a Marine Corps
of Sappers, and you end up
pounding it to a bloody pulp
with your Cup of Christmas
Christmas is also a time to
procrastinate in absurd ways.
One of the more absurd ways
that I have found has been to
search for my Physics 319 lab
manuals. You may think that I
want to archive them for my
biographer for when I get rich
(I want to become rich, by the
way, so that I can sponsor college scholarships for slackers,
who would compete in nationwide competitions like the
What Number Am I Thinking
Of written examination). I
wanted to find the manuals so
that I might give them to my
Good Friend Martin as a
Christmas present.
The problem with finding
my Physics 319 Lab Manuals
is that they are in the basement. If you asked me to make
a list of what is in my basement, I wouldn't be able to do
it. I could only make a list of
things I think are in my basement. Included in that list
would be:
a) more Dead Sea Scrolls,
b) my business partner's sense
of humour (believe me,
HE doesn't know where it
is, either).
c) goats, which would explain
the conspicuous absence
of the 319 lab manuals.
Searching for my Physics
319 lab manuals took up the
better part of a week. But that
was okay, because I couldn't
get anything accomplished
elsewhere because nobody
does business around
Christmas time.
Which is why I hate
On the other hand, I like
getting presents, and I even
like giving presents, if only for
their shock value. When I get
rich (I want to become rich, by
the way, so that I can buy a
second-hand store and charge
outrageous prices for the furniture — a couple would wander
in, ask me how much the
couch costs, and I would tell
them, "$300,000." I think that
would be a lot of fun for the
first twenty minutes) I'm going
to buy some serious presents:
cars, planes, jewels, fur coats.
But all that comes when I have
gobs of money. And I mean
'gobs,' not 'lots.' If someone
tells you they have 'gobs' of
money, you know they're not
the type to put those 'gobs'
into RRSP's. Rather, they
might just try and sponsor a
Faculty of Boat Racing at
For now, I can only give
stupid presents and hope people interpret them as witty.
Like my Physics 319 lab manuals.
Actually, I'm giving them
to Marty because he's failing
the course and is in desperate
need of lab writeups that he
can — ahem — review. Why
he wants them from me, I
don't know, considering that
not only did I fail Physics 319
three times, but my lab manuals are written in Ancient
Sumerian, according to my
I'm looking forward to next
Christmas, despite the fact that
nothing will get accomplished
that month, and it will interrupt my attempts to get rich (I
want to get rich, by the way, so
that I can buy my own radio
station. I will call it Karaoke
Radio :"Less Talk. Less
Talent."). I have finally found
the best present to give to my
Good Friend Alan, better than
even the last present I gave
him (my unmatched socks).
I can see it now. It will be a
small, unassuming box,
wrapped primly and ornately.
He will open it hesitantly,
expecting perhaps the spark
plugs from my last tune up.
He will pull out a document
and hold it up.
"What the heck is this?" he
will ask.
"It's the deed to my basement," I will say spreading my
generous arms . "Merry
It's the Annual,..
THURSDAY,   JANUARY   21,   1993
12:30   -   2:30   SUB   PLAZA
Register     in     Chem      16
Teams of 6:
• 4 Undergrads
•1TA/ Grad Student
• 1 prof/lecturer/lab
instructor / staff member
Registration fee $50.00 per team
Deadline Fri. January 15th
Sign in by 12:15 pm on Race Day
You may compete with
an incomplete team, but
your team will not be
eligible for prizes.
is for losers...
This January, engage in
the forbidden practice of
Gyotaku (dead fish art).
Uor early information on a uniaue contest.
come lo lbe Biosoc office (SUB 2411:),
and ask for ihe (iyolaku scriptures.
Paint with fish, or stay home! Vol 6 No 7 $ 11 Ian '93     The Four Thirty-Two
UBC Pre-Medi<al Club Presents
Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation!
Canadian Heart & Stroke Foundation
Basic Life Support — Level C
Date: Saturday, January 30, 1993
Time: 9:00 AM — 5:00 PM
Location: On campus — rooms to be determined.
Cost: $30 for first tinners, $24 for recertification
CPR provides all the skills for basic life support, which is the backbone for all
pre-hospital and hospital care. CPR (Basic Life Support — Level C) is a program
requirement for almost all medical programs. This is your chance to learn and practice
these skills, and increase your proficiency as a Professional Caregiver.
Register December 3, 1992 from 12:30 — 2:30 PM in the IRC Lounge. Late registration
may be done in January if space permits. If you have any questions, please call Adam
Lund at 325-7691.
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
Last chance to
order one for
this school year!
Completely redesigned!
Melton and Leather Jacket """^T'
Navy Blue Melton Body
Navy Blue & White Leather Split Sleeves
$150 plus cresting, taxes not included
(jacket not exactly as shown)
Deadline for orders: February 17,1993
Order now at the UBC Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemiistry building, room 160.
£R $W
200 sheets *-y
only ^>.
Compare to the bookstore:
200 sheets for $1.49 plus tax
400 sheets for $2.95 plus tax
Stock up at the S.U.S. office
in the Chemistry building, room 160.
<p(^ AU profits wiU be donated, to charity
will do it for you!    *
• on campus
• lowest professional rote in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640
Mon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm
Derek K.
What, you may ask, does
UBC's resident Engineering
Political Correctness
Enforcer do during his winter
holidays, what with the
Engineers either in exams or
out of town, and little to
enforce? (You may not ask
that, but I don't care, because
I'm going to answer
I walked into my
supervisor's office one cold
and windy winter day.
"So," she said, "how were
your holidays?"
"Fine," I replied.
"Do anything interesting?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact. I
took up a new hobby."
"Ah, really. What would
that be?"
"Glacier watching."
"Glacier watching."
She looked puzzled. "Er,
what precisely does that
"Watching glaciers," I
answered, "of course."
"Um, up close or at a
"Through binoculars."
"I see.
Sounds.. .uh.. .fascinating."
"Actually," I said, "it's
boring as hell, but my uncle
gave me a book on it and
keeps asking me whether I've
used it, so I had to try. Gets
you into a great zen-like state
of relaxation, though."
I was getting a bit agitated.
My supervisor isn't usually
this cordial. I got to the point.
"Why exactly did you ask
me in here?"
"Oh, just to chat," she
She looked down at her
desk, pursed her lips, and
pushed a little ball of paper
around with her index finger.
"Oh, nothing."
I pressed on, my hard-as-
nails private eye training
taking over. "What sort of
nothing would that be?"
"Not any particular kind of
nothing," she said.
She was being evasive. I
grabbed her desk lamp and
swung it to shine into her
face. "Where were you on the
night of..." I paused.
"Oh, sorry," I said. "I get
carried away sometimes."
"Okay," she admitted.
"Maybe I did have something
that was just a teensy, weensy
bit more important to tell
I raised my eyebrows.
"And that is?"
"Uh, you're being
"You're being, um,
transferred to the Library."
I stared for a second.
"You're telling me that I'm
going to be the Library
Political Correctness
"Not exactly."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll be the Library
Rules Enforcer."
"Could you elaborate?"
I waited for a moment.
"Could you elaborate nowT
"Oh, oh, sorry. Yes, you'll
be responsible for making
sure people don't reshelve
books in the wrong place,
and making sure that they
don't eat in the bookstacks,
and telling them to be quiet."
"No car chases?" I bleated.
"No car."
"No CAR?!" This was
sounding worse all the time.
"No exciting gunplay?"
"You're demoting me!"
"Actually," she said, "we
consider this a lateral
"So I get paid the same?"
"No, you're paid less."
"So this is a lateral
transfer, but it's incredibly
dull and I get paid less."
She smiled. "Now you
I slapped my hand to my
forehead. "Why are you
doing this to me?"
"We have a new enforcer
for Engineering."
"Who's that?"
"Jean-Claude Van Damme.
He's on a break from making
I winced. "But he's shorter
than I am! And he has a
stupid French accent!"
"Actually, it's Belgian."
"Whatever! How dare you
do this? I've put my heart
and soul into this job for the
"Look, Miller, either you
accept this transfer or we fire
you — and get the EUS to
tank you besides."
"Can I at least wear my
"Well, to be truthful, we
can't let you do that." She
reached behind her chair and
pulled out a large, baby blue
apron with the words
stencilled on it. "You have to
wear this."
"I thought you said I was
an enforcer?"
"Enforcer, monitor, what's
the difference?"
I was getting angry.
"Monitors are little kids who
tell smaller little kids to stop
playing around or they'll get
beaten up. Enforcers are
macho dudes who flex their
pecs a lot."
"Like Jean-Claude Van
"Shut up!"
"Anyway, here you go."
She threw the apron at me.
"Good luck."
"That's it? Good luck?"
"Yes. Now bug off, I have
work to do."
I looked blank for a
moment, then turned and
walked out.
Shortly thereafter, I was
walking forlornly along Main
Mall toward Main Library,
wiping away tears of
depression with my Dik
Miller™ hankie/chloroform
cloth/coffee filter.
"Hey man," said a passing
student, "what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?!" I blared.
"I'll tell you what's wrong!
My life, my profession, my
purpose has been
"Whoa, chill out man."
I mumbled a curse at him
and walked on. Finally I
arrived at the front doors to
the Library. I pulled. Nothing
happened. I looked down.
PUSH, it said.
I pushed. Nothing
The Library was closed.
This was even more
I sat down on the steps and
it began to snow.
Another case closed for
Dik Miller...uh...Library
Sigh 6 the Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 7 $ II Jan '93
"Oh, no, not again/'
Chapter Five — Th/n/c Sane..."
Rod Reddekopp
Chapter 5: "Think SANE."
Rod Reddekopp
In our last episode, the boy
was tried for the crime of
holding up a grocery store
with a screwdriver, was
carried off by men in white
jackets because he said he
was from another dimension,
and ended up unconscious
again. And now, <insert
fanfare here>, chapter five.
The boy rolled over in bed.
It had to be getting close to
the time he had to wake up
for school, so why hadn't his
alarm gone? He tried to rub
his eyes, but his arms didn't
seem to be working. He hated
it when his arms fell asleep.
He forced his eyes open a
crack to see what time it was.
Not only was his alarm clock
not there, but he wasn't in
bed. The soft material he was
lying on seemed to cover the
entire floor, the walls, and, as
he twisted his head around,
even the ceiling. The bad
news was that his arms
weren't asleep, he was still
wearing the straitjacket. The
good news was that he
wouldn't be going to school
today and could sleep in. So
he went back to sleep.
This time when he woke
up, he knew where he was
right away. He realized that if
he was going to save the
universe, he would have to
get out. A plan began to
develop in his mind. He
would convince these people
of his sanity and they would
let him out. Ok, it wasn't
much of a plan, but hey, it
was a beginning.
The boy stood up. (If you
think that sounds easy,
you've never tried to stand
up while wearing a
straitjacket.) He walked, as
sanely as possible, over to the
cell door and called out. Not
too loud or panic-stricken,
mind you. Calm, cool, and
collected. Sane. It isn't easy
to project sanity while
wearing a straitjacket, but the
boy wasn't doing too badly.
"Hey, excuse me guys.
Can I talk to you for a
The white-coated
gentlemen looked at each
other, blinked, and out of
sheer curiosity walked over
to the boy's door. The boy
swallowed. He had to make
this good.
"You know, this is really
crazy, er, I mean ridiculous.
I'm not insane. I know I'm
not from another dimension
and all that stuff. I mean, I
was hungry, and I didn't have
any money. I just wanted
something to eat, and I
wasn't going to hurt anybody.
In the courtroom, I made all
that up because I didn't want
to get in trouble. You know,
kids will do that. Look at me,
I'm just a kid, see? I'm sorry,
Normally, he would have
threatened a lawsuit, but this
time he figured he'd go for
the mercy approach. They
seemed to be thinking.
"Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to give him a
Rorschach," one of them
Raw shock? "You mean
shock therapy?" the boy
asked brightly.
Oh oh, that hey-you-have-
your-head look again. He'd
have to learn when to keep
his mouth shut. "Just
kidding," he said, smiling
"Ok, young man, what
does this look like to you?"
The psychiatrist was
holding up a white card with
an ink blot on it. The boy had
always wanted to try this.
"You really want to know
what I think that looks like?"
"Even if it seems kind of
"Because it really looks
like it, and it doesn't mean
I'm crazy or anything,
because it would look like it
to anybody. I mean, the
resemblance is uncanny."
"Will you just tell me what
you think it looks like?!"
"All right already! Sheesh
if you're this impatient with
me, I'd hate to see you deal
with someone who really is
crazy." The boy prided
himself on his ability to
interpret what people are
thinking by the way they
look at him. This look was
telling him that now would
probably be a good time to
share his thoughts on what
the blot looked like.
"It looks like frog guts. I
mean, if you like, step on a
frog, completely by accident
of course, that's what it looks
The boy thought the poor
psychiatrist looked like he
needed a holiday.
e i in
A Visit with Charles Darwin
Friday, January 22
12:30-2:00 pm
SUB Auditorium
Tuesday, January 19
7pm, SUB Auditorium
There& no life like it!
If W'fZ Notify /bran exoAn?
vou're otizrt J£ve test -k/1 J
-ihe hit!
I    You could became a /neml&~
£r +*Si,jidbc£y ate tenth.
y&>,you can t& &
oanf&r- and
7pt*t Cats/ ,
Ufa -/r^f
)h$r -fcvUyl
^2z4^f-3TrjtA*+ Vol 6 No 7 $ 11 Ian '93    The Four Thirty-Two
drawers     ofsu si
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
Check it out! We have loads
of new items for sale! People
are literally breaking down our
doors to get at our inventory.
Visit our office and you'll see
why: Roll-up T-shirts, jersey
shorts, new sweatpants, new
sweatshirts, new black T-
shirts, new white T-shirts, and
even Science teddy bears! i\ll
with brand-new cool-looking
artwork. We also plan to bring
in baseball shirts,baseball caps,
and slamma-jam shorts.
Sweatpants! 13-1/2 ounce
fleece, 2 pockets, 50/50
cotton/poly, only $18.50.
Sweatshirts! 16 ounce
fleece, 90/10 cotton/poly,
only $27.00.
•BRAND NEW Roll-up T-
shirts! Ash body with
black trim, preshrunk
100% cotton, only $15.00.
shirts! 2-colour left-chest
and 4-colour full-back
designs, only $15.00.
• BRAND NEW Black T-
shirts! Metallic silver
artwork, preshrunk 100%
cotton, only $12.50.
• BRAND NEW Science
Teddy Bears! 11" tall,
available in white or
brown, only $15.00.
•BRAND NEW Science
jersey shorts! Ash shorts:,
2 pockets, elastic
waistband, preshrunk 98%
cotton, only $13.50.
•BELOW COST: 100%-
cotton embroidered
sweaters only $15!
Available in navy, royal or
white. We have crew-
necks and V-necks.
Hurry, they're selling fast!
• Have you seen the coolest
looking jackets on
campus? Science jackets:
Navy blue melton, with
navy and white leather
split-sleeves, all for only
$150 (plus cresting). Last
chance to order one this
school year, deadline:
February 17,1993.
• Last chance to order a navy
Science cardigan for this
school year. Only $35
(plus cresting), deadline:
February 3,1993.
• Is your team or club looking
for clothing or uniforms?
We deal directly with the
manufacturers and
wholesalers to get you the
best prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit
of the Loom standard-
weight T-shirts, with a
full-front 2-colour logo,
and 2-digit 8-inch
numbers, all for only
$13.50 each (all taxes
• We sell the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. The books are
packed with half-price
coupons for restaurants,
theatres, sports,
attractions, and much
more. The Entertainment
book also offers 50% off
on many hotels throughout
the world. A great way to
sample Vancouver's
attractions on a student's
budget. All this for only
$42.80 (taxes included).
• We also sell the new Gold C
Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the
coupons to save on
merchandise, recreation,
movie rentals, and fast
• Our Annual Paper Salle is still
on! We sell 200 sheets of
looseleaf for only $0.75.
That's half the price you'll
pay at the Bookstore, plus
all proceeds will be
donated to charity.
• Congratulations to last
week's contest winners:
Parimal Rana, first place;
Randy Romero, second
place. The answer: Our
Sales Bookkeeper is
actually named Silvinia da
Conceicao, but feel free to
call her 'Dinkleheimer'.
•CONTEST: One of the Sales
Manager's favourite
animated series is
"Disney's Adventures of
the Gummi Bears", which
has been cancelled,
unfortunately. Write
down the names of six of
the Gummi Bears on a slip
of paper along with your
name and phone number,
ask a SUS council
member to sign your entry
and to write down the time
that you submitted your
entry, and to place your
entry in the Sales cashbox
(for safekeeping). Winner
receives 50% off any
Science sweatpants,
second place receives 50%
off any Science T-shirt,
third place receives 50%
off a pair of white Science
boxer shorts.
Feel free to drop by and check
out our UBC Science clothing
display. We are in the
Chemistry building, room 160.
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
Hi! It's your favorite
neighbourhood AMS Rep back
from the Edmontonian Deep
Freeze (it was -40 degrees for
two weeks). I hope all of your
holidays were substantially
warmer than mine. Since my
plane landed, I've spent all of
my spare time in residence in
my bikini, with my beach
towel and suntan lotion,
soaking up those incandescent
Vancouver rays.
Not much is new with the
AMS. The fight against the
18% tuition increase is heating
up as the next Board of
Governors meeting draws
closer. There will be another
rally held at the upcoming
SHOW UP! The Board of
Governors meeting is on
January 21, and posters will be
circulated to let you know
what time to come.
In addition, the AMS
Executive elections are fast
approaching, ie. you have only
a week left before the
University is plastered in
various shades of neon. Make
sure to bring your sunglasses.
Voting takes place the
following week.
The next AMS meeting is on
Wednesday, January 13, so
until next week...
Captain Habbocfe'g
Jfamoug Cream $[le
(Special Jfteitti)
aiwilaijle 3Anuarp 25 \\\ ^Mi
 Decorative Delicates
Orvin Lau
During the week of January
18-22, if you are in one of those
lucky classes, you just might be
rewarded with some extra entertainment from your usual lecturer. Well, perhaps "diversion" may be a more appropriate word, but in comparison to
some profs out there, the diversion will be more entertaining.
What will happen is that one
or two people that you probably
have never seen before will
make an announcement in front
of your class. The typical opening sentence will be (fill in the
blanks): "Hello, my name is
 , and I'm running for
 ." But then, you will
probably have guessed at what
he/she/they was/were going to
say, especially if you noticed
the numerous posters with
his/her/their picture that have
popped up on campus. (Even
worse, it could be me).
Surprise, Surprise!! There is
(will be) an election going on!!
Yes, towards the end of this
month, all UBC students, will
get an opportunity to exercise
their democratic rights. And it
is a big one too, with 12 different positions up for grabs: two
on the UBC Board of
Governors, five on the UBC
Senate and five AMS Executive
Unfortunately, few students
choose to vote, seeing that the
turnout in past elections is
about 10%. A lot of the blame
lies with poor communication
as most students have no idea
what people do in these positions, or how it could affect
their lives at UBC. So they
don't bother to vote. The fact
that there is no reliable media
source for student news doesn't
help at all. (At least the
Campus Times, having just
appeared on the scene this year,
is attempting to fill that void.)
However, each of these positions can affect you, in one way
or another. Here is a breakdown of all the positions con
tested in the upcoming election:
• The UBC Board of
Governors: a.k.a the Board or
BoG. As half of the University
government, this is the group
that controls the operations of
the University, such as tuition
fees, what building get built,
who gets hired, etc. It is the
equivalent to the board of directors of a company. Two students are elected annually to the
Board of Governors.
• The UBC Senate: Forming
the other half of the UBC's
government, the Senate controls
all the academic functions of
the UBC. It decide who graduates, what courses you have to
take, etc. All those rules in the
Calendar are Senate regulations.
Five students are elected annually by the student body. There
are 12 others, one for each of
the 12 faculties, most of whom
have been acclaimed (nobody
ran against them).
• The AMS Executive: there
are five positions, each with a
specific title. Collectively, these
five are in charge of the student
government at UBC. There is
the President (top person), the
Vice-President (is in charge of
Student Council), the Director
of Finance (controls money
obviously), the Director of
Administration (runs the SUB),
and the Coordinator of External
Affairs (deal with the government and outside groups).
So each and every one of
these people have a minute
voice in how the University is
run. And especially since this
election is one of the few
opportunities that students have
to participate (short of running
themselves) in the way this university operates, I encourage
you to get out and vote. Check
out some of the posters that
people put up. Look at The
Campus Times and The
Ubyssey to find out more about
the candidates. Then, with your
student card, go to a polling station and mark that ballot.
Carmen McKnight
Carmen McKnighties
Happy New Year! I had a
really nice Christmas. I hope
you did too. The snow we had
was great, until Monday when I
had to drive to school. It's hard
enough as it is to get motivated
for school; the heavy snowfall
doesn't provide any extra
SUS has a lot of stuff going
on in the next little while.
Science Week (third week of
January) is rapidly approaching,
as are SUS Executive Elections.
A lot of preparation needs to be
done in the next two weeks. On
Tuesday evening we could use
your help at our poster party.
There will be pizza and
BEvERages for those who help
Lots of exciting events have
been planned for Science Week
including the Trike Race (registration forms available in Chem
160), Beyond the BSc,
Gyotaku, Home Brew contest,
Chem Magic Show, Science
Week Dance, and lots of other
exciting stuff. SUS Executive
Elections take place on
February 15,16, and 17. If you
are interested in mnning for an
Executive position please come
by Chem 160 and talk to us.
Nomination forms will be available soon.
Our Sales Department has
quite a selection of new stock.
You may have seen some students walking around in the
new jackets. Talk to Sales if
you're interested in buying one.
The deadline for jacket orders
will be mid-February.
If you haven't been involved
in the past, it's never too late to
get involved. If you're in first
year science, the SUS is setting
up a First Year Student's
Committee designed to organize events for frosh. If you or
someone you know is interested
in getting involved on this committee, please talk to an exec or
leave us a note.
We're also looking for someone to fill the position of
Executive Secretary for this
term. This position involves
recording the minutes of the
Executive and Council meetings, being a member of Budget
Committee, and being an AMS
representative for Science. If
you're interested in this position or if you need more information talk to Stewart Hung or
We now have an
Employment notice board.
During Science Week we'll be
hosting Beyond the BSc. This
two day seminar will discuss
preparing yourself for the job
market (including topics such
as resumes and interviews).
UBC Alumni will talk about
their careers. Graeme Kennedy
is the Employment Rep for
SUS. If you have any questions
regarding employment talk to
I'll see you at Science Week!
Cheers. 8
The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 7 X 1/ (an 'ii
"Oh, Beautiful, for Rogers parked, for../'
Well, I'll be the first to
admit that of all the things that
I've been accused of over the
years, being a good driver has
never been one of them.
In fact, my reputation as a
reckless menace to the roadgo-
ing public is well entrenched
among my peers. Some would
even argue that my driver's
licence looks suspiciously like
a heavily doctored Cheerios
hockey card. (Which, incidentally, presents some interesting
fake ID possibilities, seeing as
I could probably pass for
Jaromir Jagr if I didn't cut off
all my hair.)
The fact that people are
afraid to step near a vehicle to
which I hold the keys, naturally, disturbs me somewhat. I
mean sure, I have a lead foot, a
predilection for changing lanes
in the middles of intersections,
a vicious impatience for slow
drivers, utter disregard for all
things pedestrian and no use
whatsoever for that pedal in
the middle, but hey, does that
make me a bad driver?
Anyhoo, the reason I'm
bringing all of this up is
because I wish to send a message to all of those who look
upon me as a driver in much
the same light they would
upon Charles Manson as a
Block Parent.
And that is: thank yer lucky
stars you weren't with me last
Thursday morning. Woulda
scared the hell outa ya.
I'll explain: The Sunday
before that fateful day, I awoke
in my cozy ol' bed at home, to
the smell of Mum's freshly-
baked bran muffins and the
thought of a good day's jumping off cliffs (on skis) ahead of
me, when I noticed something
peculiar. (Besides the fact that
I hadn't broken my nose
falling off my loft at Gage,
throwing a gruesome hangover
into sharp relief. This was different)
My eye hurt.
Casually, I stumbled down
the stairs and asked Mum what
it was. "Oh, it's nothing, dear,
just a stye," she said, as mothers do. "It'll go away. Have a
muffin or six."
Unfortunately, some particular greeblie inhabiting that
spot decided that it'd be a cozy
little place to shack up for a
spell. Maybe even settle down
and a raise a few million
daughter cells.
And so it came to pass that I
was blessed with what doctors
call a Chelasian cyst. Sounds
worse than it is — basically
just an inflammation of the
eyelid that turns into a rather
unsightly little pocket of
infected guck that requires
minor surgery to fix. And it's
not like you turn into the
Elephant Man or anything; the
result is more like that puffy,
baggy-eyed look like Robert
de Niro had in Raging Bull (or,
for that matter, like Pierre
Trudeau has on any. given
day). Which is good, because
"It's a cyst I'm having gouged
out" leaves people somewhat
ill compared to "You think this
is ugly? You should see what I
did to the four bozos that gave
it to me..."
So off I went, on the
Thursday in question, to have
this thing removed. Very simple, very easy, save two minor
oversights (puns aside). One
was that I'm not fond of needles as it is, let alone one that
someone I had met only minutes beforehand wanted to
stick in my eye. Fortunately,
the abovementioned surgeon
was merciful, and before I
could say boiled egg on a
toothpick, my ocular region
was feeling comfortably fuzzy.
The procedure passed without incident, save for a nervous
bit when the surgeon closed up
by cauterizing with silver
nitrate. Now, I couldn't/ee/
anything burning, but I heard a
crackle-fizz-pop that sounded
like a bloody barbecue, followed by a quick whiff of
crisping flesh. Yecch.
At any rate, this brings us to
the second litde oversight, and
the original gist of this whole
blurb. Now that it was fixed,
the doctor had placed a patch
over the eye, which I was
required to wear for the balance of the day. So,I happily
sauntered out of the O/R, looking forward to all the cool
attention that only a gauze eye-
patch can bring, and promptly
tripped over a table that I coul-
da sworn was five feet away at
the time.
As I pitched forward
towards Mother Earth, I caught
a glimpse of the admitting
desk, out of my one good eye,
standing before me. Oh good, I
thought, I'll just reach out and
grab the desk, and I won't be
bellyflopping after all. Arms
extended, I descended happily
towards the desk...
... and landed flat on my
beak, missing the desk by a
good yard or so.
It was at this time that my
brain was beginning to recall
the importance of two eyes in
terms of depth perception. You
can see something out of one
eye, but you sure as hell can't
tell how far away it is.
Which brings us back to
driving. For a moment, just
picture the scariest driver you
know. Got the image in your
Now picture this person
attempting to negotiate traffic
between VGH and UBC with
no sense of depth, no peripheral vision to the right, and a
generally woozy feeling over
most of their face. Gulp.
Miraculously, I made it back
to UBC unscathed. But I think
what really drove the point
home for me was when I
pulled up to the parkade card
reader, and almost fell out the
window of the car trying to
reach the damn thing. Ended
up walking over to it. Oops.
I lie >li<-i*ol>iolo!iv (lull A
I lis- S<-i«'ii<-i' I n<l«>rgratluiil<> .Sooiol v |ii-«-si>n»:
Tlio Annual Sc*icfciu*ch Week
Judging: Fridav. January 22. I!M>3
(oiilacC  th<- Microbi < lull lor more tibialis... soon.
The Science Undergraduate Society
invites First Year Science students to
apply for the new First Year Students
Nomination forms are available in
Chemistry 160, and the deadline for
application is January 25,1993.
For information, please contact
Chris Sing at 822 4235 or 822 6101.
S    JP r- e s e n ± s
cl   f:  u
rr S
ith The Toue Bugs
SUS    g /) I I a? 0 0 H
Tix $5 - AMS Box Office or SUS
122ft S1.2S - A/0 MINORS


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