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The 432 Nov 23, 1992

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The Newspaper For Science Students — Vol 6 No 6 I- 23 Nov '92
Binary Declared Obscene
Task force cites "suggestive images" in controversial resolution
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
In a startling move earlier
today, the Special Task Force
On Appropriate Use Of
Information Technology
declared that binary code is
"obscene in nature", and
would be banned from use on
the UBCnet computer network.
The task force, which was
created to deal with the growing problem of pornographic
material being distributed on
university circuits, made the
statement earlier today. A
spokesman for the group, Dr.
Earvin Beezlebub, described
the action as "a necessary step
in curbing the amount of
obscene and suggestive material flowing through the system. The binary code, we
have determined, is one of
the primary sources of suggestive images on the network."
Dr. Beezlebub went on to
explain the nature of the
problem. "After careful examination of the specimens at
hand, the task force found the
number ' 1' to represent a very
phallic image... one that we
found unacceptable to have
circulating on the UBCnet
system," he said.
"Furthermore, the number
'0' was also found to be
obscene in nature, as it could
be construed to represent a
number of vulgar anatomical
features, particularly when
coupled with a number '1', as
is wont to happen with binary
code."
Removal of binary code
files and transmissions will
begin pending the implementation of suitable replacement
symbols. Suggestions have
included. 'A' and 'B' from the
UBC ABBA Fan Club, 'f
and "3" from the Vancouver
School Of Theology, and '«*'
and '▼' from an unidentified
source on the network, identified only as "Naughty Girls,
Inc. - for a good time, call
j8x092@gambier.
rick.cs.ubc.ca".
Along these lines, the
Ubyssey has plans to put
together a biweekly 12-page
special issue (finances permit
ting), dealing with the problems of pornography on campus, entitled BANQ. Said
BANQ's creator and editor-
in-chief, Mr. John
Depressedcupboardcheesecake,
"We feel that the new paper
will open students' eyes to
some important issues. People
on this campus need a BANQ
every now and then. We feel
it's time that they started taking this seriously. It's not fair,
and if something's not done,
then we're just going to take
our toys and go home."
Former AMS President
Kurt Preinsperg was unavailable for comment.
Electrical Engineering Beer
Demi-God Johan Thornton
and SUS Room Manager Erik
Jensen had just been bailed
out by Johan's little sister
Sarah at press time. Unfortunately, they immediately
retreated to Jensen's posh
White Rock estate, in order
to barricade the house in
preparation for an RCMP
raid. Consequently, none of
the three were available for
comment.
<p
Dinkleheimer Found
KATMANDU, Nepal
(Reuters) - Customs and
Excise offcials in this busy
Nepalese city got quite a surprise yesterday, when a suspicious undeclared crate at the
airport was found to be carrying a rather unusual cargo.
The crate, which was sent
from Vancouver with no
return address, was brought to
their attention when a baggage
handler reported hearing
strange sounds coming from
within the crate. Suspecting a
bomb, a special team was
called in to neutralize the supposed threat.
What they found, however,
was not a bomb, but former
SUS Director of Sports Jon
Campbell-Dinkleheimer-
Smith, who had been missing
since the 6th of November.
Witnesses say that he was
found packed into the crate,
along with two Sasamat pep-
peroni pizzas, two bottles of
mineral water and three
Depends undergarments. As a
result, Smith was somewhat
dazed and shaken upon his
arrival, but otherwise unhurt.
Immediately after being
extricated from the crate, he
immediately requested a beer,
which "seemed to help calm
his apprehensions," said worker Li Ka-Shing. "Then he
INGREDIENTS:
asked where he was, and that's
kinda when the trouble started..."
Efforts to find the culprits
behind Smith's harrowing
journey have proved fruitless.
SUS Room Manager Erik
"The Fish" Jensen had little to
say, other than "How the hell
did he surv— I mean, end up
in Nepal? Uh... I heard he
owed a few people some
money. That's all I know."
Other SUS personnel deny
any knowledge of the incident,
saying only that they last saw
him during the dance bearing
his name. When social coordinator Roger Watts was questioned, concerning an eyewitness account of him entering
the Air Canada freight terminal with a large crate the day
after the dance, he replied,
"Um... oh yeah, that's right.
I'm glad you asked that.
Gooood question. In fact, I
was... sending my mother a...
mm, pair of mittens I knit.
Yeah, that was it. Sorry I
couldn't be of more help."
The investigation continues.
Meanwhile, donations to the
Bring Jon Home Fund (or,
alternatively, the Keep Jon In
Biscuits Until He Learns
Nepalese And Gets A Job
Fund) may be dropped off at
SUS.
OVER 95% OF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIUM
HYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCARBONS, AND TREES. LESS THAN 5% CONSIST OF NOTHING
FROM ME, LEONA FOOTNOTES WITH MALICE AND FORETHOUGHT (PAGE 2), ANTONIA AND NOTHINGNESS,
CUCUMBERS THE UBYSSEY DIDN'T CATCH (PAGE 3), THE
DUCK WAXES NOSTALGIC, ONE VERBOSE FISH (PAGE 4),
DIK MILLER GETS FISHY, RESEARCH JOBS ... WAY! (PAGE 5),
THE DRAWERS OF SUS (PAGE 6), OH NO NOT ANOTHER
CHAPTER, SENATE SHORTS (PAGE 7), ROG "ENSIGN TOAST"
WATTS IN THE NEUTRAL ZONE (PAGE 8).
DID YOU KNOW... "ILLEGITIMUS NON CARBORUNDUM"
(POW'S FORMER MOTTO) ACTUALLY TRANSLATES TO "THE
BASTARD WHO IS GROUND DOWN"? SOMETHING'S
GOTTA GO, ALL RIGHT. PERHAPS THEIR LATIN TUTOR...
© 1992 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS.
"Ron, call the police... that Skywalket kid's sittin'
out in the parking lot shoplifting aigain..."
68030'   95820' The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92
Nothing to report...
Ryan
McCUAIG
I'm figuring that many of you
out there are probably
suffering a bit of post-midterm
trauma and depression, what
with abysmal marks being no
longer just an unpleasant
possibility. (At least, this is
the case with me. Special
thanks to all those that are
actually doing well in Math
220, for denying me the
solace to be found in the idea
of mark scaling).
However, now that baseball is
a noble pursuit for Canadians,
I anticipate that my antidote
for feelings along the lines of
my-department's-trying-to-kill-
me-hey-cool-there's-a-flight-for-
Bolivia-lmving-in-an-hour could
catch on.
It's quite simple, really. Take
your percentage mark for the
class. Remove the percent
sign. Move the decimal out in
front, and, if necessary, add
trailing zeroes until you have
three digits after the decimal.
Voila.
Now you are no longer
bombing out with a 42%.
You are suddenly the proud
holder of a batting average of
.420.
'Nuffsaid.
I'm pretty worded out after
term paper week. So, that's
about it, really. Later.
<£;
-WbWI
<?5-
UNITED NATIONS
ASSOC. WANTS
YOUR OLD TEXTS
Do you have texts which are now not current and can't
be sold? Do you really need these for future reference, or
would you rather clear out your room and help a good
cause?
Scientific texts and other publications are needed for
developing countries. In conjunction with the United
Nations Association Book Project, Physsoc challenges all
other clubs to collect more books. Sometime in
Febniary, a counting ceremony will he held and a
suitable prize awarded to the winning club.
The UNA Book Project supplies institutes in developing
countries with scientific books, journals and other
publications. Since 1987, they have sent over 16,000
books and journals. The Book Project is located here at
UBC and works in conjunction Rotary International ,
Maple Ridge Branch. For more information about the
project, call Nigel McNabb c/o Dr. Harold Kasinsky
(Zoology) at 822-2960. Regarding the Science challenge,
contact David Way at 739-7859 (or SUS at 822-4235).
Me, the Muppets and Milli Vanilli
Leona
ADAMS
So I went to the Great
Whistler Reprogramming, and
I'm all set to get sucked into
even more leadership-type
activities, so I can proceed to
do an increasingly worse job
of the things I do already.
(No, I'm not stressed.  What
are you talking about?!)
It feels kind of weird doing
a wrap-up of 1992 in
November, since the year
isn't quite over yet.  On the
other hand, as soon as
Christmas exams are done,
my life will be over, so perhaps a pre-mortem epitaph to
the year is in order.
I guess the way I feel about
this year can be summed up
by something that happened
to me over the summer.  Just
before school started, I went
to see the Muppets exhibit at
Science World.  Stop laugh
ing; I grew up on the Muppet
Show and Sesame Street, and
they hold a very special place
in my heart.  Anyhow, as I
gleefully wandered through
this blast from the past, I
came upon an interesting display.  It was a video presentation showing the prerecording
of the songs to be "sung" by
the Muppets. Now, I don't
normally consider myself to
be a particularly dense person,
but it never occurred to me
that the Muppets lip-synched.
Not that I thought the
Muppets were real (please
give me some credit). The
fact that they didn't sing just
never crossed my mind.
Thinking about this coming-
of-age (if you can stand to
hear that phrase one more
time) sort of clinches this
year for me as being the year
of Wonder.
Wonder is a word that has
come up in a lot of my sentences this year.  Sentences
like "1 wonder if I have to
read know this chapter for the
exam" or "I wonder how I
will manage to finish this lab
before 5:00."  In fact, this
year, I finally learned that
sleep isn't really that important.  A lot of you out there
are laughing at me, I'm sure,
but staying up the whole
night to finish something
never seemed feasible.  I
always worried too much
about falling asleep in class.
As it turns out, whether or
not I do that depends less on
how much sleep I had the
previous night and more on
the profs level of enthusiasm.
I've discovered all sorts of
neat things this year.  The
most useful piece of information that I've acquired is that
it isn't necessary to do dishes
until you run out (or, if you're
lucky, until your roommates
run out).  Luckily for me, I
don't have that many dishes,
so I don't leave them long
enough to allow the growth of
a sink-sized colony.  Well, not
usually.  I've never had
colonies, but I think I came
awfully close during the two
days when my residence had
no water within an eight-floor
radius.
I think the whole world
discovered stuff" this year,
though.  Americans, for
example, discovered that
more choices do not necessarily make for an easier decision, as proven in the race
between the Good, the Bad,
and the Ugly (take your
pick).  In Los Angeles, people
learned that the best way to
to beat the "justice system" is
to get someone else to film
you in the act.  On the
calmer side of the border, we
learned that we would actually survive the trauma of
standing up to our leaders and
telling them what we
thought.  Hockey fans also
found out that an expansion
team isn't necessarily a bad
team.
Some things never change,
though.   America still does
little irritating things to
Canada, they still apologize,
and we still say "That's all
right, just don't nuke us."
There are still people who
think there is a genetic basis
for racial segregation.  And,
unfortunately, the Canucks
choke.   Don't take this the
wrong way.   I love the
Canucks dearly, and have
been following their progress
(I use the word loosely) since
I was eight.   But they choke,
every single year.  I'd love to
be able to say, "One of the
best things about this year is
that the Canucks kicked the
tar out of every team in NHL
and everywhere else," but I
can't. They choked.  Oh
well, there's always next
year...
1 I'm afraid that I'm addicted now.  Anyway, I bet you
thought that I was going to
say the year of the Strove.
Well, everyone has a Strove
threshold, and the last thing I
want to do is beat the concept to death.   Besides, I
promised El Editor-Head
Honcho that I'd cut out the
inside jokes. Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92     The Four Thirty-Two
The Morris Methods
Life Goes On... and on...
and on... and then you die.
famie Morris
Resident Experimentalist
Experiment #1 —
Observations of the Defence
Mechanism of Thyrone bri-
oreus (Sea cucumber).
1. Procedure
In this experiment I will tesi:
a certain aspect of the
defence mechanism of our
Holothuroidean friends in the
ocean: the sea cucumber —
particularly sea cucumbers of
the species Thyrone briareus.
For those of you unfamiliar
with sea cucumbers and theiir
defence mechanisms, take a
look at the main points outlined below:
a) Sea cucumbers look similar
to garden cucumbers, but
are rough and wrinkled.
b) They have a unique
defence system in which
the sea cucumber self-eviscerates its respiratory trees
(translation: violently
expels its 'insides') when it
is in danger. Once the sea
cucumber has done this, it
doesn't die; it simply
regenerates the lost parts.
c) Sea cucumbers are very difficult to obtain without
raising a certain amount of
suspicion.
The experiment will consist
of measuring the time
required for five test subjects,
each exposed to five danger
levels, to self-eviscerate.
(Note: no duplication of
experiment possible due to
limitation of funds and of test
subjects.)
2. Hypothesis
If members of the species
Thyrone briareus are placed in
a dangerous circumstance, the
time it takes for the test subject to self-eviscerate will be
directly proportional to the
danger level.
3. Data and Observations
Danger Level 0
This is the control of the experiment — no danger. After all,
how do we know that self-evisceration isn't just a normal function of a sea cucumber?
Danger Description: Test
subject #1 sits in a simulation
of his natural environment,
ie. my bathtub.
Time to Self-Eviscerate: No
self-evisceration observed.
Results and Observations:
Test subject #1 did not self-
eviscerate. This was expected.
Apparently test subject #1
likes my bathtub.
Danger Level 1
Danger Description: Test
subject #1 was forced to confess that it was the one that
has been pasting up politically-incorrect pamplets around
campus. It was then forced to
give his home address and the
following statement to the
Ubyssey: "If anybody has a
problem with my viewpoints,
you can reach me at this
address — that is, if you have
the spine to do so!"
Time to Self-Eviscerate: 4
hours, 27 minutes, 32 seconds.
Results and Observations:
Test subject #2 held up quite
well to the onslaught of politically-correct, but finally self-
eviscerated just short of the
four and a half hour mark
when it received a particularly
self-righteous letter from a sea
urchin. It, in closing the let
ter, claimed that it had "many
spines."
Danger Level 2
Danger Description: While
wearing a black L.A. Raider:!
jacket and a Chicago Bulls
hat (backwards), I infiltrated,
a Vancouver 7-Eleven store at
12:30 AM on a Friday night.
Test subject #3 was similarly
disguised. As usual at that
time, a large fight between
two rival gangs ensued. Test
subject #3 was exposed to
extreme mayhem and violence.
Time to Self-Eviscerate: 1 x:
10~J seconds
Results and Observations: I
estimate the time of self-evisceration to be 0.001 seconds
However, this is probably not
due to the danger of the fight,
but rather my use of test subject #3 for self-defence. The
sticky filaments that are
expelled from a sea cucumber
have quite a range, and, from
the agonizing screams of one
would-be attacker, are quite
effective. I would recommend,
sea cucumbers as a substitute
for mace, in that they are
more environmentally friendly
(non-aerosol).
Danger Level 3
Danger Description: Test
subject #4 was placed, without a seatbelt, in the passenger seat: of my turbo-charged
K-car. I then proceeded to
drink a "40-pounder" of vodka
in under five minutes. I waited an additional fifteen minutes, then drove off to give
test subject #4 a high-speed
tour of Vancouver.
Time to Self-Eviscerate:
Unknown.
Results and Observations: I
must admit, I lost track of the
test subject in this trial. I only
remember getting into the
car, and then waking up a day
later in a barn in Chilliwack.
My car and test subject #4
were nowhere to be found.
Danger Level 4
Danger Description: Test
subject #5 was dropped off at
10:00 AM at the notorious
Engineering hangout, the
Cheeze Factory. To make the
situation even more dangerous, the words "Engineers
Suck" were printed in large
black letters on the side of
the test subject.
Time to Self-Eviscerate:
Unknown.
Results and Observations:
Test subject #5 was never
seen again, and therefore I do
not know if it self-eviscerated
or not. I suspect, howver, that
the Engineers have imprisoned it and are planning to
use it for their own devious
purposes. (This might be the
reason behind the fishy smell
coming from the Cheeze,
mentioned by Dik Miller in
the last 432.)
4. Conclusion
Of course, no real conclusion
can be made from this chaotic
mess of data, especially since
the results of the last two trials are unknown. There were
too many problems with the
methods used (too many variables), and the fact that there
was only one set of data for
each danger level didn't help
much. To rectify this, the
experiment will have to be
repeated after I have gathered
enough test subjects to do the
experiment correctly.
Anybody who owns, or has
access to sea cucumbers
(Thyrone briareus preferred),
please contact me. In the
meanwhile, over Christmas, I
hope to perform another
experiment. Stay tuned for
the results.
Antonia Rozario
Amateur Existentialist
I have few pleasures in life
these days. My dreams of losing weight and being physically perfect by my 25th birthday
have all but faded, and I'm
beginning to get grey hairs.
The plethora of men I had
hoped would throw themselves
at me has dissipated (if not
vanished), and I am more concerned about my career and
finances now than I am about
my social life or sexuality.
Stress is a big aspect of my
life. While most of my friends
are able to kill two birds widi
one stone, I find myself always
having to use two stones to
kill one bird, and I'm getting
dangerously close to running
out of stones.
However, it would be amiss
for me to say that my life is
completely devoid of excitement.
Around two years ago I
joined a local fitness centre
and "invested" over $400 in
their "Exclusive VIP Fat
Burning Program." This gorgeous facility boasts hourly
aerobics classes, a sauna, hot
tub, several stairmasters, free
parking, and a highly trained
set of taut employees that are
all very helpful and personable. Although I admit the
membership costs are a bit
"pricey", I have no regrets
about joining. The five times I
entered the premises I was
very impressed.
The Aquatic Centre's hot
tub is another wonderful place.
However, most students avoid
it because they're afraid of
being afflicted with cardiovascular problems, plantar warts,
WIN'PRIZES!!!
Science Week
Logo Contest
Theme
The Euolution
Of Science
Tfte t&fmma *$p will &e*ome
tfee sfflctariogo of Sciense Uleeic.
«8
of     	
UBC Pre-Medical Club Presents
Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation!
Canadian Heart & Stroke Foundation
Basic life Support — Level C
Date: Saturday, January 30, 1993
Time: 9:00 AM — 5:00 PM
Location: On campus — rooms to be determined.
Cost: $30 for first timers, $24 for recertification
CPR provides all the skills for basic life support, which is the backbone for all
pre-hospital and hospital care. CPR (Basic Life Support — Level C) is a program
requirement for almost all medical programs. This is your chance to learn and practice
these skills, and increase your proficiency as a Professional Caregiver.
Register December 3,1992 from 12:30 — 2:30 PM in the IRC Lounge. Late registration
may be done in January if space permits. If you have any questions, please call Adam
Lund at 325-7691.
or Kurt Preinsperg. (For those
of you new to the campus,
Kurt is a permanent fixture in
the local political and social
scene. He is a "real character",
a Doctor of Philosophy, and a
very good friend of mine.)
As a warning to those of
you who are easily embarrassed
exposing your body, I should
inform you that there is very
little privacy in the Aquatic
Centre's women's showers. At
first I was a bit shy about
exposing my buttocks to people I eat lunch with, but now
I've accepted the fact that I'm
anatomically-challenged.
I usually end my weekday
mornings by visiting Blue
Chip and picking up a large
cup of coffee and an "extra-
raw" Ranger cookie. Being an
occupant of this environment,
I usually try saving it by getting my beverages served in
recyclable plastic coffee mugs.
While most days I'll end up
with second-degree burns to
the sides of my legs from
scalding coffee that has seeped
through the lid, sometimes I
get lucky. On these "good"
days when my motor functioning is especially astute, I'll
only end up with six or seven
harmless dark coffee stains on
the inner regions of my thighs.
On days like these, I get misty
from the surge of elation that
fills my body... In fact, I'll
occasionally even feel secure
enough to consider quitting
school, getting a life and going
on a diet.
To make a long article
short, student life continues to
be pretty pathetic. However,
knowing that I'll be out of
here in eight or nine more
years gives me a reason to go
Ryan "D-Day" McCuaig
Clinically Deceased. Hold My Calls.
X
EDITORIAL
Contributing Writers Leona Adams, lanice Boyle,
Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, Erik "The Fish" |ensen,
Patrick turn, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Jamie
Morris, Rod Reddekopp, Antonia Rozario, Chris Sing,
Dave Way, and Rog. ("Pull the first switch, Rog!"
"No, master — not yet!")
X
ART   and   DESIGN
Layout Me, Rog.
Contributing Artists Melanie Stapleton, Me,
Rog.
X
PRODUCTION
Desktop Production Claude and Wile t.
Printer CoHegePrinters, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Rsh-enf Distribution, ltd.
21 November IfM, Vol l, No S
lhe432 is published biweekly by the Science Undergraduate-Society of
UBC. Somewhere closeto Main Mall and University 8ivd. We generally,
make cute hats out of our mail, especially the politically correct stuff, so
don't bother sending any. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92
Aaron gets old...
Angry
DUCK
Whatever happened to the
Good Old Days?
Apparently, they're missing.
That's what my roommate
told me.
"Aaron," he said, standing
in the middle of the kitchen
in his underwear. A toothbrush stuck out of his mouth
at an odd angle, toothpaste
foam bubbling out. "Whatever
happened to the Good Old
Days?"
"I didn't take them," I
replied. "Is that my toothbrush?"
The Good Old Days... to
tell the truth, we weren't
being Good, we weren't Old,
and we were talking about the
Nights.
The Good Old Days, much
like the Loch Ness Monster is
the kind of thing you hear
about, but never get a picture
of. I think the Good Old
Days are simply the Same Old
Days, but no one wants to
admit that their lives were as
boring then as they are now.
This is all very reminiscent
of U2's song Still Haven't
Found What I'm Looking For.
Much to my dismay, they
never sang Still Haven't Found
What I'm Looking For at their
concert. I guess they found it.
I bet it was under the couch.
Maybe that's where the Good
Old Days went, too.
I'm not sure what that last
paragraph had to do with anything.
Here's a few things I
remember from the Good Old
Days.
i) Residence: Sort of like
boot camp with kegs, is the
best way to describe it. I lived
in Totem Park, on third
Kwak, just below fifth Kwak
(who the previous year had
proved Newton's Law of
Gravity with a shopping cart
full of dishware from the
Kwak Residence roof).
My roommate was George,
who had the biggest Janitor
Butt in the world. He wore
the type of baggy pants recommended by four out of five
electricians. These pants slid
down five inches, regardless of
how, tight the belt was, exposing that upper part of the
behind just enough that it
looks like you should insert a
quarter into the slot.
Most of my memories of
George are fuzzy, owing to the
fact that I was a prepared
frosh, and had brought down
with me not only a full liquor
cabinet, but three milk crates
of homemade wine.
My strongest memory of
George is the night he got so
drunk that he accused me of
being Satan. We argued about
the merits of that for an hour
until the bottle was empty,
and I reluctantly agreed that
he could very well be right.
Later that night, we found
George passed out in the
bathroom, after he had
thrown up on — get this —
the roof of the bathroom.
I do not lie about this.
The end bathroom cubicle
looked like it had been
napalmed by George. He
coated the walls, the door,
and yes, tbe roof was even splattered. I don't know bow.
The strangest part was that
the toilet was spotless. Not so
much as a whisker had
touched it.
ii) My Second Year at
UBC: For the first time in
my life, I failed a course.
I was so stunned and upset
that I couldn't eat for days.
I thought I had let myself
down, my parents down, and
was a complete failure at life.
It was a traumatic event.
My next few years would
provide me with ample opportunities to adjust to failing
courses. To tell the truth, I
became quite hardened to it.
More like shell-shocked, as
one astonished advisor put it.
iii) Bowling Alleys in the
SUB: Yes, they had bowling
alleys in the SUB when I was
in my first year. Boy, do I feel
old...
iv) Editing The 432 at
four in the morning: I understand things are done a little
differently around here.
Apparently, the current editor
gets things done on time, (ed:
Really? Are we talking about the
same editor here?) What a
keener.
I think he's missing a few
key points here, though.
Namely, that the funniest
things are thought of at four
in the morning, with a deadline barrelling down on you
like a dead vulture falling
from the sky (don't laugh —
it took me a long time to
think up the perfect
metaphor).
Here's what I found very
funny at four in the morning:
a) lists
b) footnotes '■
c) typos
v) Desert Storm: I had fun
with that one. I mean, just
look at Saddam Hussein. Put
him in a tux, give him some
glasses and a cigar, and what
do you have? Groucho Marx.
I swear.
vi) My Fourth and Final
Year at UBC (Version 1.0)
vii) My Fourth and Final
Year at UBC (Version 2.0)
viii) My Fourth arid Final
Year at UBC (Version 3.0):
I think they made me graduate. Poor Dr. Bernard was so
stunned that I had finally
obtained my degree that they
had to fan him and apply cold
compresses.
1. Apparently, they're not
really that funny
The Microhiol<»gv Club &
The Science Undergraduate Society  present:
The Annual Science Week
HOME BREW
CONTEST
Judging: Friday, January 22, 1993
Contact the Microbi Club for more details... soon
Tne Annual
Microti Mixer
Friday, January 15, 1993
Vancouver Aquarium
Tix: $15. Available M-F
12:30-1:30 outside WESB 100
Free Food, Cash Bar, DJ
300 Words
Erik Jensen
Fish
Word word word word, word
word word word word.
Word word.
Word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word.
Word word "Word word" word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word.
Word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word.
Word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word. Word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word; word word word
word word word word word word.
Word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word.
Word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word?
Word word word word word word
word word word word word: word
word word. word. Word word
word word word word word.
Word word word word word word
word word word word word, word
word. Word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word.
Word word word word word
word. Word word word word
word word word word 'word'
word word. Word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word.
Word word word word word word
word word word, word word word
word word word word word word
word word!
Word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word word.
Word word word word word
word, word word word word word
word word word word word word
word word word word word.
Glug.
dug.
Burp.
Science sweaters below cost!
100% Cotton,Embroidered UBC Shield
Available in Crew-neck or V-neck
 Navy Blue, White, or Royal Blue	
[Pick one up now, they're selling fast!)
Available only in the UBC Science Undergraduate
Society office, Chemistry building, room 160. Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92    The Four Thirty-Two
So you want to do
undergraduate research?
Dave Way
Ex-ex-officio
A minority of science students are not completely put
off research by the labs they
do each week. If you are one
of those fools enthusiasts,
NOW is the time to start
your search-and-application
process for jobs next summer,
as deadlines loom. Research
experience is invaluable when
applying to another program
of study (eg. grad studies,
medicine, etc.) or in trying to
find a job upon graduation.
Particularly in today's very
tight job market in the science field, a 90% average
won't get you hired, but a
summer of pouring plates or
calibrating metres might.
Trust me on this one.
Several schemes are available to sponsor undergraduates in summer research. The
largest and best known are
probably NSERC (federal)
and Challenge 92 (provincial). But there are many
other organizations. Pay generally varies from poor to
criminal (approx. $800/month
for NSERC), but there are a
few reasonably well-paying
jobs out there, especially if
you already have some experience. Many supervisors will
add to the pay from their own
research grant.
How to find a position:
1. Choose a prof. For most
schemes, you must have a
specific project proposed to
apply. Since the funds are
from outside sources, most
profs are keen to have a
cheap or free assistant for
the summer when they get
to focus again on their
research. On the other
hand, someone else may
also apply to that prof.
Don't delay approaching
them since most profs will
go with the first reasonable
student who talks to them.
2. Check your department
(and related ones) for possible sources of funds (eg.
Chemical Institute, BC
Cancer Research
Foundation, Liver
Foundation). You may even
be able to find a position
in a lab overseas. The
International Association
for the Exchange of
Students for Technical
Experience (IAESTE) operates in 59 countries,
arranging placements usually of 8-12 weeks. See UBC
Placement Services,
upstairs in Brock Hall
(822-4011). Deadline for
application and transcript
of marks is Dec 4. You
need a 75% average to
apply.
In order to apply for
NSERC, you must be sponsored by a professor who
already has the NSERC
research grants, so keep this
in mind when selecting someone. If a B.C. Cancer
Studentship is available, you
might want to look for someone in that field. You can
either choose a supervisor
whose field interests you, or
apply to someone whose specific techniques you want to
learn.
The deadline for NSERC is
late November in some
departments (Dec 11 in
Physics, and around Dec 13
in Biology), so get a move on
if you're interested. If your
department doesn't have
NSERC forms yet, see
Graduate Studies in the
Administration Building. For
Biology, try room 2362 in the
Biosciences Building.
Challenge 92 is announced
later on, in Feb-March. Use
this as a last option because
funding for it tends to be cut
every year.
National Research Council
application forms are available at UBC Placement
Services (formerly
Employment Centre) upstairs
in Brock Hall. The deadline
is the third week of
November. See posters in the
cases downstairs in Brock for
info on Atomic Energy
Canada, Pulp and Paper
Research Institute, etc..
If you are financially secure
and you can't find a paid
position, you could offer your
research services to a prof fret;
of charge. Another option is
to take a directed studies elective course during the school
year. No pay, but you get academic credit.
A third possibility is to do
Work Study in a lab for pay
up to $10-12/hour. You must
be on student loan, and be
eligible for Work Study. The
deadline is past for this year
but consider this in
September next year.
Good Luck!
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
Derek K.
MILLER
Those of you just joining the
story would normally now be
updated on the essential plot of
last issue's episode. But 1 can't
be bothered, so you'll just have
to tough it out.
I had just been called to
the Cheeze Factory, headquarters of the Engineering
Undergraduate Society, to
deal with an extremely strong,
days-old fishy smell (reminiscent of the woodiness halibut
acquires when it starts to rot)
which was emanating from
the basement.
That is, if there had been a
basement.
Which there wasn't.
"I keep telling you!" yelled
one nearby engineer. "There's
no basement! It can't be coming from the basement
because there isn't one!
Okay?"
"Look," I replied coolly, "if
my Dik Miller™fish sensor
says there's something down
there, there's something down
there, wherever 'there' is."
I rummaged around in my
trenchcoat and brought out
my Dik Miller™crowbar/garlic
press/potato peeler. I directed
the fish sensor to the spot on
the floor of a back room
where the smell was strongest.
There, under a desk, was a
wooden panel, nailed to the
floor. Stencilled across it in
faded red lettering were the
words:
D NQER B WAR OF
TH   ST'
"Danger, beware of
thc.uh..." one engineer
mumbled.
Another piped up.
"Stalactites?"
"No, no," said another,
"beware of the stromatoliths."
"Beware of the stencil?"
"Studs?"
"Hey man, good show.
Watch it every day."
"Would you shut up?!" I
yelled. I drew the crowbar
near. "Stand back, everyone."
With a swift motion, I
wedged the crowbar under the
lip of the wooden plate and
heaved it open.
When I regained consciousness, I had a massive
headache. An engineer was
standing over me.
"I figured out what the sign
said," he revealed.
I sat up and looked around.
I was back in the main lounge
of the Cheeze, lying on a
couch.
He went on. "Just underneath the panel was another
sign, just the same but better
preserved. It said BEWARE
OF THE STINK."
"How did I get out here?" I
asked.
"I carried you. You and
everyone else. Everyone was
knocked out by die smell. I
closed the lid again and
opened all the doors."
Sure enough, as I looked
around I noticed all the doors
hanging open and a distinct
breeze blowing through the
room. The fishy smell was still
strong.
Then something hit me.
"How come you weren't
knocked out?"
"He's a Chemical engineer," someone else said.
"Completely lost his sense of
smell one afternoon when he
came into the lab really hung
over and fell face-first into a
vat of something really caustic."
"Sounds awful," I said.
"It was," said the Chemical
with no sense of smell. "Sure
looked funny when I sneezed
it through my nose, though."
"I'm sure." I reached into
my trenchcoat and pulled out
my Dik Miller™salad spinner/laundry hamper/gas mask
and donned it. "That should
do some good."
I walked into the back
room again, grasped the crowbar, and prepared myself.
"Everyone back away!" I
shouted. Engineers went scurrying everywhere — it was a
rare sight.
I cracked the seam. The air
shimmered like heat haze and
my gas mask face plate tinted
itself slightly brown. The seal
held.
Looking down, I could see
the sign: BEWARE OF THE
STINK. It sat just above a
narrow staircase which
descended into the gloom. I
switched on my Dik Miller™
twirling baton/flashlight and
went down. Just before I got
out of hearing range, I
noticed some of the people
hiding outside saying, "Phew!
That's foul!"
I was in a dank corridor
which led off vaguely eastward. The fish sensor was
beeping off the end of the
scale. I had no idea what I
was about to face.
The corridor twisted and
turned for what seemed like
ages. I was sweating profusely,
unable to tell anymore where
I was or which way I was fac
ing. My Dik Miller™wrist
compass/digital/analog/hourglass/atomic clock watch was
completely fogged over and
unreadable. The fish sensor
was going into convulsions.
Finally, I came to a place
where I could see the end of
the corridor, where it made a
sharp right. There was light
streaming in from a room
around the corner.
My footsteps seemed loud
as cannon shots as I tiptoed
up to the portal. I readied the
crowbar as a weapon, perched
myself on the edge, and leapt
imo the doorway.
I was immediately hit in
the face by a stream of vomit.
I managed to think, "Now,
that's gross."
Several hours later, after a
really good shower (and after
burning my clothes), I was sitting in my supervisor's office.
"So what's the scoop?" she
asked.
"It seems," I explained,
"that deep beneath the
Cheeze Factory was a room,
and in that room was a group
of engineers trying to finish
the 40 Beer tournament."
"How did they get down
there?"
"Well, about thirty years
ago, a new building was being
constructed, and the 'geers
there told the construction
crew that they were almost
finished the 40 Beer and
couldn't leave until they were
done. The crew built around
them. They ended up in the
foundations."
"And they've been there
for thirty years?"
"Yup. Coincidentally, the
last guy finished just as I
arrived, and barfed all over
me."
"So what made the smell?"
I showed her a chart I had
in my pocket. "This spectro-
graphic analysis shows that
it's composed of stale beer,
vomit, soggy pretzels, and
engineer sweat — a deadly
combination. It was only
noticeable at the surface
when the corrosive gas finally
ate through the last layer of
clay under the Cheeze
Factory."
"I see," she said. "Did you
at least get those guys out?"
"Uh, no," I replied. "They
said they wanted to try for
something called the
Centurion next."
So that's another case
closed for Dik Miller,
Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer.
I
lim |q^0 B.Sc.= B.A. Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92     The Four Thirty-Two
the    drawers
sus
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
I am pleased to announce
that the position of Sales
Bookkeeper has been filled by
Silvinia Dinkleheimer, a
valuable addition to our
overworked Sales team.
Okay, folks. I have
received no design
submissions for Science
clothing/merchandise.  This is
very disappointing.  With
such a large faculty of the
most creative minds on
campus, many of you should
take a little time to produce
some cool artwork for UBC
Science.
• Looking for Christmas gifts?
Look no further!   Science
T-shirts: $5-$ 13.50,
Sweatshirts: $15-$22,
Sweatpants: $15-$17.50,
Boxer Shorts:  $12.50.
Check out our special
package deals for more savings!
• BELOW COST:  100%-
cotton embroidered
sweaters only $15!
Available in navy, royal or
white.  We have crew-
necks and V-necks. Hurry,
they're selling fast!
• Brand new Science fleece
shorts!   Ash shorts, 13-1/2
ounce fleece, 2 pockets,
elastic waistband, 50/50
cotton/poly, only $13.50
(taxes included!)
• Is your team or club look
ing for clothing or uniforms? We deal directly
with the manufacturers and
wholesalers to get you the
best prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit
of the Loom standard-
weight T-shirts, with a full-
front 2-colour logo, and 2-
digit 8-inch numbers, all
for only $13.50 each (all
taxes included!)
• We sell the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. Unlike previous
years, these books are valid
McNighties
Carmen McKnight
The term is beginning to
wind down as is apparent by
the presence of the purple
final exam schedule littering
the bulletin boards about
campus. It's about time that
the University started publishing their exam schedule in
the Calendar like most
Canadian universities.  It
would be nice to know
(before you register) what
kind of exam schedule you'll
have, also it would be nice to
be able to book your flight
home during the seat sale in
May.
Anyway... now on to SUS-
related news.  Our Semi-
Memorial dance was a blast,
or at least the guest of honour
seemed to think so. Several
years' worth of SUS hacks
reunited at the Student
Leadership Conference.  Ari
Gilligson, Trent "Mooka"
Hammer, Alan Price,
Antonia Rozario, Erik Jensen,
Jon Campbell-Smith, Roger
Watts, Ryan McCuaig, Janice
Boyle, Sarah Thornton and
myself were all in attendance.
Ari Gilligson had some
interesting comments on the
November 3 edition of the
Campus Times, particularly
the article tided: SUS
Bureaucracy Still Qrowing. He
said that a large council
attracts a larger diversity of
students.  Basically, the group
of people that get involved
have a wide range of backgrounds which makes for
wider representation and
more people wanting to get
involved.  Aaron Drake will
be happy to know that the
SUS appointed a Director of
Bureaucracy at the November
5 meeting to manage our
growing ranks of paper-pushers.
The big thing coming up is
the Science Food Drive. Food
boxes will be present in each
Department so you have no
excuse for not bringing in a
bag of food for the needy. If
you can, bring at least enough
food for one meal.  Christmas
is coming up soon and so is
Science Week.  Now is your
opportunity to buy your science blue from SUS Sales.
Academics council just had
their job cut in half.  The
Faculty of Science has decided to release the statistics of
their teaching evaluation to
the Science Undergraduate
Society for publication. This
review will not be known as
the Black and Blue Review
anymore... Suggestions?  Drop
us a note in Chem 160. The
academics council is now
accepting nominations for
Teaching Excellence Awards
(see the back page for a nomination form).  If you have a
prof this term who you think
deserves recognition, this is
your opportunity to reward
his/her teaching ability.
Just Desserts has been
changed to November 24th.
The Science Undergraduate
Society will be sending Dr.
Holm, the Associate Dean in
charge of student services.
Until next time...Cheers.
now! That's right, the
sooner you buy one, the
sooner you start saving.
The books are packed with
half-price coupons for
restaurants, theatres, sports,
attractions, and much
more. The Entertainment
book also offers 50% off on
many hotels throughout
the world.  A great way to
sample Vancouver's attractions on a student's budget.
All this for only $42.80
(taxes included).
• We also sell the new Gold
C Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the
coupons to save on merchandise, recreation, movie
rentals, and fast food.
• Our Annual Paper Sale is
still on! We sell 200 sheets
of looseleaf for only $0.75.
That's half the price you'll
pay at the Bookstore, plus
all proceeds will be donat
ed to charity.
• Science leather-melton
jackets now have a totally
different look!   Navy blue
melton, with navy and
white split-sleeves, all for
only $150 (plus cresting),
taxes not included.  Visit
us at CHEM 160 to see
what they look like.
• Congratulations to last
week's contest winners:
Kerry Tedford, first place;
Jason Holmes, second
place; and "The great Joe",
third place.  This is the
winning question (or something similar):   "If I were to
ask the other door if it
leads to freedom, what
would it tell me?"
• CONTEST:  Actually, our
new Sales Bookkeeper is
not named Silvinia
Dinkleheimer. What is her
real name?  Hint:  Ask
your friendly, well-informed
SUS council members
(don't worry, they won't
bite).  This contest is not
open to council members.
Write her name (spelled
correctly) on a slip of paper
along with your name and
phone number, ask a SUS
council member to sign
your entry and to write
down the time that you
submitted your entry, and
to place your entry in the
Sales cashbox (for safekeeping). Winner receives
50% off any Science sweatshirt, second place receives
50% off any Science T-
shirt, third place receives
50% off a pair of white
Science boxer shorts.
Feel free to drop by and
check out our UBC Science
clothing display.  We are in
the Chemistry building, room
160.
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
Last council meeting went
in camera, which means that
all the juicy stuff was said out
of scrutiny of the public and
the press. As a council member, I am obliged to keep what
I heard in that meeting a
secret. If I told you what happened, I would not only be
betraying my fellow council
members, but I would be selling my integrity for a few
cheap laughs, much like
Arsenio Hall.
But what the hell!
As we all know,
Ombudsperson Yuri Fulmer
was^HHHMlBW but
that's not the end of it. It
seems that Carole Forsythe
wanted to 4M|HHH^Pp
and we all know that she
could, too, although Mike
Hamilton would probably do a
better job of the f0HMP
part.
The point was raised that
the Ombudsoffice would do a
better job if it could only
JHHBMm m
Marya McVicar, on the
other hand removed all of her
Council approved, in principle.
Now, it got to the meat of
the situation, when Marty
leapt on to 4HRHHK
Tarzan, but ruled himself out
of order.
If you thought that was outrageous you should have seen
the way Caireen Hanert
•4HHHMHI Bill's shoes.
Derek Miller, who, as we all
know likes to^HBM^
jMim^ when no one is _
around, offered to'WMHT
mtP but not to the point
where he'd hurt himself.
Council approved. Jeff West
voted against, on the grounds
that John Lispcomb did it two
years ago, and look where it
got him.
Roger Watts, by the way,
was as drunk as a bastard.
(asst ed: I was not! fust had a
little MMNMMV'beforehand,
that's all...)
Fruit of the Looms
Patrick Lum
Greetings from your resident Science beancounter!!
Just some more financial
news to keep you informed as
to the meaning of life, ie.
where SUS blows your
money.  Recent news has
been the flood of requests
from Science clubs asking for
money. For those of you who
don't know, each Science
club gets $2 for each second,
third, and fourth year student
enrolled in that club's department.  Combined Honours
students are worth a loonie to
each of the two clubs.  So
here goes:  The Microbi Club
got $502; PSA got $368;
CS3 got $395;  the
Astronomy Club got $52; and
CSC got $486. Note the past
tense, which means that the
budgets were submitted, 'thoroughly' reviewed, Notice of
Motion was given in SUS
council, passed the following
week, and then the money was
signed over, with my illegible
scrawl of a signature.
Upcoming budgets are from
the BPP and Physsoc. Other
clubs (you know who you are)
haven't been heard from, but
we've already promised to
give them a couple of dollars
anyway (the minimum grant
is $50). There is a rumour
that some renegade General
Science students are trying to
kickstart a new "General
Science Club" so they can: a)
get their 50 bucks, and b)
blow it all on some exotic
beers.
Other financial news: the
Jon-Campbell-Dinkleheimer-
Smith Semi-Memorial
Dance was an huge success,
especially since the bzzr taps
were flowing pretty freely.
Financially, it was a typical
Science dance, with a generous loss (just over a thousand
dollars) after all the bills were
added up. Well, what did you
expect with free admission
and beer for a buck? Look
out for our next dance, in the
new year during Science
Week.  As usual, prices for
admission and beer are likely
to stay the same.  Be sure to
come out and enjoy the
Science Week Dance!!
Amazing news — the photocopier at SUS still hasn't
broke down. This has meant
that photocopies and paper
consumption have been going
on at a phenomenal rate (try
6000 copies in the last 2
weeks).  So rather than calling the Xerox repairman
everyday like last year, we've
(more like me've) been filling
the copier with paper every
day.  Be sure to recycle all
those wasted copies.  And the
pop machine is also humming
fine, although we're still confused why no one's tried to
buy a bottle of "Old Elephant
Urine Samples".
And finally, all your wise
SUS executive beancounters
have decided to reward those
of you who participate in
Intramural Sports AND actually finish in the top three
spots....with a 100% rebate.
Of course the purpose of all
this is to give "Science"
bunches and bunches of sports
points so we can beat the
'geers, and of course, those of
you who get disqualified or
don't show get nothing
back....
So there you have it, SUS
Finances in a nutshell, for
your consumption until my
next column in the new
year.. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 6 X 23 Nov '92
"Oh, no, not again/'
Chapter 4: "They're coming to take me away, hee hee..
//
Rod Reddekopp
Columnist
Last time, our hero joined in
the popular pastime of laughing
at the Ubyssey, became hungry,
held up a grocery store with a
screwdriver, and was clubbed, by
store security. And now, chapter four.
A band was playing.  This,
in itself, is not normally a bad
thing.  However, this particular band had far too many
drums, was much too loud,
and was playing inside the
boy's head.  He moaned,
opened his eyes, and promptly
closed them again due to the
disconcerting spinning of the
room.  He dragged himself to
his feet, blinking frequently,
staggered a bit, and finally
managed to slow the room
down a bit by leaning into
the direction of spin.
The first thing he noticed,
after the bars, was that he was
the only occupant.
Despite the luxury of a single room, however, he decided that this was not a place
he wanted to live for any
length of time. Totem Park
residents can identify with
this feeling.   He wished he
had a tin cup to rattle against
the bars.
"Hey, let me out of here!"
he shouted.  "I'm a
MINOR!!"  He heard voices
from down the corridor.
"Sounds like he's awake."
Two close relatives of the
hairy orangutan came down
the hall and opened up the
cell.  They each grabbed one
of the boy's arms and dragged
him down the hall and up a
stone, spiral staircase.  All he
could think was thai: he was
glad he used Dial, and he
wished they would, too.
The goons dragged the boy
into a large courtroom and
plunked him down behind:
one of the desks.  A door
opened and some guy with a
black robe and a funky white
wig came out and sat down at
the front.  There was no "All
rise" or any of that stuff like
he had seen on People's
Court.  Either they were less
strict here or it didn't matter
since there was no audience.
The judge stared at the boy
intensely, and held up the
screwdriver.
"This yours?" he asked.
The boy panicked.   "Look,
I can explain everything!   [
was hungry, and I didn't have
any money 'cuz I spent it all
on Silly Putty and it wouldn't
have mattered anyway since
I'm from another dimension
'cuz I fell through a worm-
hole, and it happens all the
time, and I wasn't really
gonna hurt anybody, and all I
wanted was some Doritos
and..."
"You're from another
dimension."
"Uh, yeah."
"And you fell through a
wormhole."
"Um, well, sort of jumped
actually, but..."
"And this happens to you
often..."
"Well, yeah, often I guess
compared to most people, I
mean..."
"I see."
The judge nodded towards
someone at the back.  The
boy turned around and saw
two men dressed in white
coming at him with a piece of
clothing.  A straitjacket!   The
boy grinned in spite of himself.  He hoped he'd get shock
therapy.
After getting the jacket on,
he squirmed a bit, and said,
"Say, these things really work,
huh?" The look he got made
him think he might even get
a padded cell.  Now THAT
would be neat.  He just hoped
they'd let him have his backpack.  He was forgetting
something, though.   Oh.yeah!
The universe!   He had to
save the universe!
"Oh, hey, I just remembered something.  As fun as
this would be and everything,
I've really got to save the universe.  You see, this dimension is leaking into mine, and
I've really got to fix it.  I'll be
happy to come back when I'm
done."  His new friends
ignored him.
"Hey, I'm serious!   Let me
go!   Help, I'm being
repressed!  Child abuse!
Child abuse!   I'm only a
MINOR!!!"
He felt a sharp sting in his
arm and everything faded to
black.  His last thought was,
"Oh well, better than getting
hit in the head..."
Senate Shorts
fky Oanc\ [num
need a few <*<**.
£c'.*r "this one*
fri *ku J
Chris Sing
Senate met on Wednesday
November 18. Caucus met
last week on Thursday, and
we discussed proposals to the
teaching and Learning
Enhancement Fund 1993/94-
The topic of the removal of
supplemental exams in
Science was discussed.  As a
general principle, now students are allowed the privilege of writing supplemental
exams provided that they
score over 40% in their
exams. With the removal of
supplemental, this privilege
will be lost. Supplemental
are important, and should not
be removed. With numerous
courses having 100% finals,
eg. Physiology 300, three
hours could make or break a
successful university career.
Students concerned about the
removal of supplemental
exams in Science should contact Carol Forsythe or myself,
so your views on the issue can
be presented before supple-
mentals are abolished.
Student Senate Caucus also
discussed the teaching environment committee.
Concerns were fielded that
there were only two students
sitting on this ad hoc committee, whereas other committees with high student
interests had three students.
Two new senators were present at the meeting: the Arts
senator, Jerry Olnyk, and sen-
ator-at-large Elise Brady. Yuri
Fulmer, Ombudsperson, was
also present at the meeting,
bringing a new dimension to
the meetings by expressing
concerns of students who had
come through the
Ombudsoffice.
On another note, admissions committee met last
Tuesday, to discuss the
Education Abroad Program,
which allows students to
enroll in a specific program at
a foreign university, but to
pay UBC prices.    Some of
the universities that are to be
added include Lancaster
University in the UK, Ecole
Nationale Superieure des
Beaux-Arts in Paris France,
The University of Bonn, and
Grenoble Institute of Political
Sciences in Grenoble France.
This program will be available
to a two or three students a
year.
If you have any questions
you've had running around
your head as to how to initiate a academic procedure, or
you've heard an academic
rumour about the university
you want answered, drop a
note in my box in Chem 160,
and I'll try to answer it and
get back to you.
DON'T PANIC'
AMS WORD PROCESS^H
w/ill an ir for x/nu/      9
will do it for you
• on campus
• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements
Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640
Mon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm
HyperColor™
i$ for losers...
This January, engage in
the forbidden practice of
Gyotaku (dead fish art).
For early information on a unique contest,
come lb 'ihe Biosoc office (SUB 24110,
and cisk for ihe Gyolaku scriptures.
Every biologist's nightmare.
Paint with fish, or stay home! 8
Tfce Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 6 Jf 23 Nov '92
"Set Agendas On Stun, Mr. Dobie..."
ROGFR
I had to laugh... the other
night, the bunch of us were
sitting up at the AMS meeting, and Derek Miller was discussing the recent Macleans
issue that ranked Canada's
universities, and declared us
"fourth in our class."
"What class is that?" someone promptly chimed, to
which Arts rep Liz Van
Assum cleverly replied,
"Galaxy class."
(Just a quick note here... if
you're one of those folks that
doesn't really follow Star Trek
all that much, the jokes to follow in this piece probably
won't mean much to you, so
you may not want to bother.
Furthermore, if you're one of
those folks who really abhors
Trekkies and everything about
them, and would love nothing
better than to see the
Romulans blow the Enterprise
from here to kingdom come
once and for all, then reading
beyond this point could cause
internal hemorrhaging and
brain embolisms. Proceed at
your own risk.)
So I thought about this,
while I was chuckling at this
little witticism, and decided
that UBC actually does work
very much like a giant Star
Trek episode.
Allow me to explain... first
of all, we have the central
point of focus - the flagship of
the Federation, the AMS
Enterprise. Commanded by
intrepid, diminuitive
Frenchman Jean-Luc Ertl, the
Enterprise is a Galaxy-class
vessel primarily designed to
make contact with other civilizations, but certainly never
one to back down from a good
fight now and again.
(Although, we did decide last
night that it just isn't the
same without the detachable
saucer section.)
With him, of course, is his
fearless and resourceful crew,
comprised of First Officer
Forsythe Riker, the second-in-
command who runs the ship
with an iron fist, yet is always
a big hit with onboard members of the opposite sex; Lt.-
Cmdr. Datadobie, an intelligent android that continually
strives to be more human; and
ship's Counsellor Marya
McTroi, who has tele-empath-
ic abilities and who likes to
walk around in tight suits all
day, ha ha ha.
(And then there's Caireen,
who's a bit like a cross
between LaForge and Worf.
You see, she's sorta the chief
engineer responsible for making sure the ship runs OK and
doesn't blow itself to
smithereens, although she can
see without wearing a visor
over her eyes — that actually
kinda looks like a cross
between a hairband and an air
filter from an old Chevy,
don't ya think? — but she's
also in charge of security
aboard the AMS Enterprise.
Not to mention that they say
she can punch through walls
and bench-press Hyundais
when she gets angry.)
Naturally, the AMS
Enterprise has many other
people who assist in its
smooth operation, but whom
you don't always see in the
main credits; for example,
Admiral Redden quietly sends
transmissions from the
Starbase every now and again
(and quietly sends people to
bust rocks on Alpha Theta VI
when these orders aren't followed). The nice thing about
the AMS, however, is that
when you do hear about these
people, it's not because they
just got blown away by a sud-
denly-decloaked Warbird off
the port quarter.
Now, as I said before, the
main mission of this bunch is
to interact with alien life-
forms. Some races belong to
the United Federation of
Constituencies, such as the
Artsians, a primitive race that
can cloak their ships but still
haven't figured out how to eat
with utensils, or the
Engineerians, an even more
primitive race, descended from
the advanced, civilized and
logical Scienceans, just like
the Romulans were from
Vulcans. Embroiled in a continual feud with both their
ancestral cousins and the
Federation as a whole, the
Engineerians are a race
obsessed with galactic conquest that really couldn't give
a damn about either cloaking
or utensils.
(Another aside... I hate to
jump around between space
sagas like this, but I'm afraid
the Foresters just don't fit the
Trek scenario. I mean, it's
obvious; look at their dress,
their love for the forest, their
general vocabulary... these
people are Ewoks. No doubt
about it.)
Which, of course, brings us
to the UBC Administration.
They're the Borg. Their recent
overlording attitudes towards
both the AMS and the
Alumni Club, along with their
predilection to blow through
whomever lies in their path
while giving them minimal
chance to move first, pretty
much salts that one away.
Besides which, have you seen
some of the architecture
around campus? Large, boxy
monoliths with... well, things
sticking out here and there.
Sounds like Borg to me.
As I said, though, the ol'
AMS Enterprise never backs
out of a brawl. And wouldn't
ya know it, but through the
clever use of the many
weapons at their disposal, our
faithful crew has, after a gruelling and often brutal battle,
done the impossible.
They've gotten the Borg to
negotiate. Whoda thunk it?
Of course, the battle is far
from over. But that's one of
the hallmarks of Trek. Things
are never over for good.
They're simply over for now.
Just ask Khan, or for that matter, John Lipscomb. I can just
see it now. They'll bring back
the old cast for AMS Trek II:
The Wrath Of John, sporting
his best Ricardo Montalban
accent: "BREEETTTT!! I'VE
COME FOR YOOOUUU,
BRETT!!"
But you know what the best
thing about this little Star
Trek simile is? You'll only
have to see it once! It won't
hang around to haunt you for
the next thirty years like the
real one!
At least, let's hope not. One
year of listening to Martin
sing is quite enough, thanks.
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