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The 432 Nov 15, 1989

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Array tjBC Archives
Serial
The
The Newspaper of the Science Undergraduate Society
Volume 3, 9iw\i6er 6      qoi'L 9&^S$%^%J0%£CI<£(HC(£ \$(KlfD'E^03       <Novem6er 15,1989
Scandal! SUS Heads Potato
Experiments
VANCOUVER (SUS) - Antonia
Rozario, Science Undergraduate Society
External Vice President, has set up a
cruel and unusual experiment in the
Science office which causes malicious
harm to an innocent Mr. Potatohead®
doll and which unnecessarily tempts
innocent gerbils to chew on it, activists
claimed today. The release of dramatic
top-secret film footage prompted angry
calls for the resignation of Bill Vander
Zalm in the legislature.
The Friends of Potatohead Society
(FOPS) held a press conference today at
which they displayed photographs of the
Mr. Potatohead doll, which is contained
in a small aquarium in the SUS office. Its
left ear and fingers had been chewed off,
and the little pegs on the inside that hold
the appendages on were being eroded
away by the voracious rodents which
had been placed in confinement with the
toy. FOPS president Alannah McFeebly
projected that Potatohead "wouldn' t last
another week in that hell hole."
"It's disgusting, I tell you," she
declared. "Being totally incapable of
motion, Mr. Potatohead has no way of
defending himself. I'd like to see this
Rozario chick let her ear be chewed off."
Premier Vander Zalm claimed
complete ignorance on the issue, and
The body of Mr PotatoHead: Once a proud member of the Potato
Kingdome. Now just gerbil fodder.
protested further that not only did he
know nothing about the Potatohead
experiment, but that he knew absolutely
nothing at all about anything. The
statement was met with resounding cries
of "hear, hear" from the back benches.
When asked about the incident,
Rozario, organizer of the upcoming Big
Big Bzzr and Band Bash for the SUS
(November 17th. Tickets are $5 at Chem
160 or the AMS Box Office.), seemed
puzzled. "Are you stoned?" she said. "I
can't believe that anyone would actually
care about something to trivial. By the
way, do you have a ticket to the Big Big
Bzzr and Band Bash yet? They're only
SUS Eyes Stock Market
Pezim, BC Lions possible investment
target, Cardy says
VANCOUVER (SUS) - Facing the
possibility of its largest deficit ever, the
SUS has taken the firststeps to investing
in the business world. In a closed
meeting, the SUS executive decided that
it should examine the possibility of
borrowing money from the AMS to
finance the venture.
SUS Director of Finance Derek
Cardy stressed that only secure
investments would be considered.
Mutual funds, corporate bonds, and
investing in Murray Pezim's new gold
stocks. "It's probable that a large protion
of our investment portfolio will be
involved with the B.C. Lions."
When asked about the investment
decisions, made without consultation
with Science students at large, Science
Undergrad president Ari Giligson
commented, 'Think nothing of it. The
SUS has a mandate to make decisions
like this." Derek Miller, AMS Rep and
former editor of The 432 said that it was
"about time the SUS got out there and
kicked some butt in the business world."
It was decided in closed session that
an application would be made to the
AMS for an $80,000 loan, which would
be divided amongst the various
investments. With profits estimated at
anywhere between $100,000 and
$300,000 within a year, the loan should
be secured almost immediately, Cardy
claimed. "I can't see any problem," he
claimed "Karl [Kottmeier, AMS Director
Of Finance] has given us loans in the past
- smaller ones, sure, but they were loans
- so I don't see why there would be
trouble."
Karl Kottmeier was unavailable for
comment.
President David Strangway was
optomistic about the idea. "An
undergraduate society venturing into the
business world seems a logical step. The
high interest rates , of course can mean
only one thing."
continued on page 5
five bucks."
SUS President Ari Giligson drummed
incessantly on a desktop with a pair of
scissors. "This is nothing new. You should
have seen what they used to do to Mr.
Potatohead in some other UBC
organizations. Baked Potatohead.
Scalloped Potatohead." There was nothing
that could be done, he claimed, because
Mr. Potatohead was not specifically
mentioned in the Charter of Rights. "All
you can try is to convince Antonia to take
him out of there."
When this was suggested, Rozario's
response was: "I haven't finished the
experiment yet and if I stop now I'll fail the
course. So forget it, okay?"
Peter Hamilton of Lifeforce was
unavailable for comment on the effect of
the experiment on the gerbils; he was
delivering postcards to Dr. Strangway's
office. To date, President Strangway has
recieved three and a half postcards
bemoaning the plight of the Potatohead,
whose natural mating habitat has been
continued on page 5
Jiighiighu
m lillif ptf
lucky
Mm
:
Economics
New Shoots
-Page 3
Fauste gives
wiring
i .♦ r»
your own
cruise
missile
The Art of
Science
-Page 7
™,k     \     t " y"rS l h"e noticed in in"H»«9 trend for   cartoonists
such a, Gary Larson,   Ji. linger, and Berke Breathed to sub.it cartoons froH
ad    JJT'l "*?■? V*in ne" °neS'   Not one t0 •»» •* « •    as sg
fad    and  a  chance to slack off -,here is the first I.N. STEIN i„  Publi a ion
Now, I'sjatojonsabatical to the Pit. ,      /*>  ««u«iob.
Ken CTTTce.
The 432
November 15, 1589 I hesitate to set this down on paper, hut set it down I must, or go slowly mad from the inescapable torment these burning words inflict upon my skull.
Editor's
Comment
Ittl coming up to twenty-two
years on earth, so far, and it's taken
me all this time to figure people out.
After all these years, I can finally
sum up human nature in a single
maxim:
People are dead certain that every
person in the world is messed in the
head except for themselves.
Simple enough? Let's give an
example.
Staring is bad. That's a given. If
you glare at a total stranger for more
than a microsecond, they'll just
assume you're psychotic and move
away. There is the blank stare, of
course. That's when your mind
disconnects from the optic nerve,
while you drift off in some fantasty.
What happens to your eyes? The
laws of physics have shown that
while you are woolgathering, your
eyes drift towards the most private
spots of other persons. When you
snap back in, there' s the other person
shifting about like there's a colony
of ants in his/her underwear. So what
do you do? Immediately, you snap
your eyes away to stare at a wall, as
if it's the most intensely interesting
thing you could ever look at. There's
nothing like being obvious about it.
Crowded situations bring out the
worst in us. If we're in the close
company of total strangers, it's all
too easy to blank out. Enter the bus
stare. We stare up at the ads
(thankfully placed up above us) and
pretend everyone else isn't there.
Oh, we're aware of them, usually
when the drunk beside us is breathing
in our ear, asking for change. What
about the skinny frosh with pimples
who won't take off his backpack?
Why does he keep it on? Is this thing
surgically attached? What other
excuse is there for keeping it up
there? At the first lurch, the frosh
spins a few degrees and takes out
three or four old ladies. They were
standing, mind you, because
everyone sitting down was staring
up at the ads and didn't notice them
on board.
Staring up while in large
anonymous crowds is common. Step
into an elevator, and what happens?
Your eyes become glued to the floor
indicator, as if it was a life and death
monitor. If you miss your floor, you
won't be let out of the elevator.
Next time, when you step into an
elevator, face the back, looking into
the crowd. If you thought that you
couldn't affect a group just by what
direction you were facing, guess
again. You could masturbate in the
back and still not get the same effect
on them than just simply staring
towards the back of the elevator has.
If we're trying to act anonymous
on a bus or in an elevator, we do the
exact opposite in our cars. Listen to
me: those windows are transparent.
People can see what you're doing in
your car. Stop picking your nose.
Stop lyp-synching the song on the
radio. You look stupid. Bus-riders
like staring into the windows of other
cars even more than memorizing a
silly Cadbury.
Aaron Brake should have been in
psychology* Let's leave it at that.
Aaron Spends hours every every
day riding the bus^staririg off into
space, dreaming up new and
wonderful items for the 432,
Somebody buy him a car. Please,
Letter to the Editor
Dear sir,
As I was reading through the
November 1st edition of the 432,
enjoying the usually great blend of
strange humor, thoughtful and
informative articles, and bizarre
typesetting glitches, I found -GASP- a
factual error. The first (supposedly
easy) question in the Trivia column
asks who first proposed a heliocentric
"solar" system. The answer given is
"Copernicus," but in fact a
heliocentric universe was proposed in
approximately 260 BC, at least 1750
years before Copernicus, by
Aristarchus of Samos. Aristarchus,
who. was a contemporary of
Archimedes, also gave reasonably
good estimates of the relative sizes of
the moon and sun, and of their relative
distances from the earth.
To give Copernicus due credit,
Aristarchus' theory was not generally
accepted in his day, while Copernicus'
reintroduction of the theory
contributed to a radical change of our
view of the universe.
It's easy to get the impression
that most of our understanding of the
universe is the result of "modern"
science. A look at history shows us
that we can be quite mistaken in this
belief.
P.S. Keep up the great work!
The 432 is enjoyable - a
refeshing change from the
usual waste of paper that
many student papers are.
Djun M. Kim
Graduate Studies-Mathematics
The 432 thinks that the right to speak
one's mind is the most fundamental
right there is. Any opinions that seem
to come from reasonable minds will
be printed, therefore. Please include
name and phone number, and sign the
puppy. Who cares about the student
card* or ID? Just drop your letter off at
Chem 160. Our address;
SUS
c/o Dean of Science
Room I507tBk>SdencesBidg.
U„B,C, Vancouver, BC
V6T1W5
The following letter made its way to my desk, the
previous week.To the best of our knowledge, this is
a serious plea for used textbooks.
Appeal for textbooks:
Heer Cammy Science Institutions
c/o Amadi Ama postal agancy
Port Har Coint, Rivers State
Nigeria, West Africa
Dear sir,
Application for Help
Before I comments further, I am very much-impressed
in writing you this missige. Adding together with respect and
reciprocal, I am thanking you for reading this my missige.
As I have abovely addressed my self to you, I AM
QUALIFY DOCTOR with Twelve good years experiences in
that proffessions.
I have recently established A SCIENCE INSTITUTION in
our country. But Sir, due to things been expessive and the
Cost of living also very expessive to with stand.
Please Sir, to start my School very effectively and normally,
I will like to beg to assist me with Some Chemistry, Physics,
Biology, and mathematics test books.
Sir, I would have written you this missige since last year,
But due to Some momentous obligations which were to be
fulfilled, I couldn't write you. But now All things are totally
complete.
If I am help by you Sir, I will be very much impressed with
you. I will make you a Share holder of my institutions. Your
intstutions will be big institutions Grand Petros. report of my
institutions and the wellfare of the Institutions will be
reaching you regular.
I am waiting patiently forward in receiving your parcel and
missige.
Thanks
Yours faithfully
Dr. Chukson Aniyim
B.Sc M.Sc and PhD
Director/Proprietor
The above letter was printed verbatim, or as close
to verbatim as we could get. If you are interested
in donating textbooks, please bring them to Chem
160 (to start things off, Physsoc has donated over
150 first year physics texts. Can any other club
match that offer? Not likely).
is are now open far
-Two  Student Board of Governors
Positions
-5 Student at Large Senate Postions
]B©MiiM
Forms are available at AMS and SUS
offices
Nominations must be in to the registrar no
later than 4:00 pm Dec 1, 1989
The 432
November 15, 1589 It began some tkvelve years ago, on a night rank and clotted with Bee Gees enthusiasts, warbling their fearsome cries over the heights of the tow n.
Dik Miller,
Campus
Cowboy
by Derek Miller
"Did you know that Pit burgers
are aphrodesiacs?"
No, I thought. I was standing in
line at the Pit to get a burger for
lunch, and the voice came from
behind me. It was female. I did not
want to admit my ignorance,
however. (Not of the fact that she
was female, dummy. Of the peculiar
qualities of Pit burgers.)
"Of course I know that. Why do
you ask?" I turned to face the
woman who had asked the question.
She was almost stunningly
beautiful, but not quite. I think it
had something to do with the
psychotic gleam in her eyes.
"No reason." She looked past
me to the menu board.
Intuition told me to pursue this
topic further. "Is there anything in
particular you'd recommend?" I
inquired.
"The Mexiburger, definitely."
She glanced atme. "It's the jalapeno
peppers."
Something twigged in my brain.
"Are you trying to pick me up?"
"Certainly not."
"Oh." I turned to look back at the
menu board.
"Next please," said the teller.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'd...er...like a...um...a
Mexiburger," I said, inadvertently
glancing back at the woman, who
smiled evilly. I coughed. I took my
ticket. The woman followed me.
I whirled. "WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU WANT?!" I asked -
probably slightly too violently for
good measure. People were staring.
"Nothing," she said.
I fumed, found a table, and sat
down. So did she. I resolutely bit
into my burger and let the gentle,
lilting sting of the jalapenos oxidize
my tongue. I didn't look at her. She
didn't bother to reciprocate the
courtesy. She stared quite distinctly
at my hat.
"Look," I finally said in a harsh
whisper as the last of the Mexiburger
made its way with a satisfying thud
to my stomach, "I don't know who
you are. I don't care much. But I
really wish you wouldn't follow me
around, make suggestive comments,
and then not tell me what the hell
you're doing. I'm going to leave. I
would appreciate it if you didn't
come along."
She merely smiled - not evilly
this time, but fiendishly.
I stood up. She didn't.
I walked towards the door. Just as
I was reaching it, she stood up and
started striding towards me. I grabbed
her arm as she got close.
"I said -" I had no time to say
what I'd said, for the woman reeled
back and let out a scream at the top
of her voice.
"SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!"
On cue, bouncers, angry
feminists, and general hangers-on
came rushing towards us. The
woman was leaning against a. post,
quivering and pointing a finger at
me. I was hoisted by my arms by a
large group of people.
I'd been framed.
Stay tuned for further
developments in this oh-so-
exciting and horrifically topical
plotline!
Dik Miller is feeling insecure
lately, so please* please* pay the
fines for the parking tickets* I
know you never really pay
attention to the rickets* but how
about one for the Dik?
New Shoots
Eisode Five: Economics
by Dave New
IltlClJjinCa spacecraft travelling
away from the Earth at quite a
sizeable percentage of the speed of
light. A typical Physics grab, yes,
since all sorts of neat scientific
things follow immediately.
Now give it a crew.
You've all heard of the twin
paradox, I'm sure. One of a pair of
identical twins travels away and
back on just such a spaceship, and
when he returns, he finds his brother
eighty years olderthanhe is. No big
deal. It's old hat, and not really a
paradox either. Time moves slower
for rapidly moving objects.
But what's happened to
inflation on the Earth in those eighty
years? Increase the speed: two
hundred years? One thousand? It's
easily possible for humans to
survive a trip to the Andromeda
Galaxy at only one G acceleration,
what with time dilation—by which
time the rest of the human race will
have died out. The inflation for a
twenty-year voyage, ship's time,
would be exorbitant.
The first obstacle to manning
a craft, then, is pay scale. Would the
crew be paid based on time passing
on Earth, or on the ship? Earth time
is not really fair to landbound labour,
since the ship will experience maybe
one-twentieth the time the Earth
will, its crew will end up with $400
a man-hour instead of $20. But ship
time isn't any good either, since the
money will be next to worthless
through devaluation by the time the
craft returns. Ship time, paid in full
at current rates upon the craft's
return? No. A twenty-year voyage
will need on-board entertainment,
diversity of dining, and so on. They
astronauts will need money before
theirvoyage is finished. What's fair?
$2.50 per hour per hour?
But let's let that go by, and
assume some sort of workable scale
has been created. So: How will the
astronauts deposittheirpaycheques?
Once can hardly carry a bank along
on an interstellar flight. They '11 need
either an Instabank outlet or some
sort of wire seivice to Earth.
But by the time a transaction
is finished, inflation will have
buggered up all the amounts. The
account will hold more money by
far than when the transaction started.
If an astronaut wants to withdraw
cash, the time it takes for the money
to arrive will render it worthless for
having been removed from the bank.
To avoid an inflationary spiral worse
than July 1923's Germany, a price
freeze must necessarily be
introduced on board the ship.
Which wreaks havoc with any
accreting pay scale. The astronauts
will steadily accumulate money
which can never be spent, since the
ship will never have enough
commodities to warrant that much
cash availability.
That's Trivial!
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! Last issue I wanted
to do a theme on Halloween
Monsters. This issue, I wanted to
do a theme on BC Politicians, but
it was too familiar to Halloween
Monsters! Instead, we'll do
something else. Good luck!
Theme: B.C.
1-10: Easy
1. What is B.C.'s largest natural
lake?
2. What B.C. gold-rush town was
rebuilt as a rustic touiist
attraction?
3. What is B.C.'s biggest
industry?
4. What is the tallest mountain in
B.C.?
5. Where was Kokanee originally
brewed?
6. What is the largest river in
B.C.?
7. Where is the world's largest
city park?
8. In what year did B.C. have its
worst fire season?
9. What B.C. Ranch is the largest
ranch in the world?
10. What is the population of
Spuzzum?
Perhaps prices will be tied,
instead of to 1989 wages, to 1989
number-of-hours-worked. But then
money becomes superfluous; a barter
system emerges based only on
amount of work done. And that's
counterproductive to pay scale too,
since by Earth terms, the crew will
be getting food and entertainment
for free, while still receiving
additional wages at home.
The easiest solution might be
for the crew never to return home at
all. This would also eliminate the
problem of reassimilation into
contemporary life, and allow for easy
disposal of televangelists without
clogging the jails ... but somehow
it's just not as aesthetically
appealing.
Ah well.
A full theoretical basis for relativistic
economics, including Lorentz-
invariant Keynesian modeling
strategies and frame transformations
of standard supply curves, appears
on page 5.
if you come down to Chem 160
some time* yoti can contribute to
the fund to send Dave New to
some distant galaxy at the speed
o^JSgbt Seriously, Hljgoonreeord
h&re, Save for one minor issue*
rjavid has been a cornerstone to
trie 432. Ork. Ork. Ork.
11-15: Medium
11. What is the ratio of men to
women in Science at U.B.C.?
12. Who is Gastown named
■after?
13. What was the first capital of
B.C.?
14. What is B.C.'s biggest cash
crop (timber isn't a crop)?
15. What is the reference point
for 100 Mile House (that is,
where is mile zero)?
16-20: Hard
16. What object in B.C. (not
Williston Lake) is the only man-
made object, other than the Great
Wall, visible from outer space?
17. Where were Japanese
Canadians imprisoned in WWII?
18. Where is the nearest minable
coal deposit from here?
19. What North American team
was the first hockey team to play
the Soviets in Russia?
20. What is the largest ethnic
population in B.C?
Etonus Question:
For over a hundred years, Stanley
Park has stood as the most
notable feature of Vancouver. In
all this time, it has resisted any
attempts to plow sections under
for developers. Who first moved
to keep developers off of the land
that is now Stanley Park and
why?
Answers on page 4
The 432
November 15, 1589 And as I stood, petrified by the cacophony, I \> ho once exuded respectability - though alas! never again since that hateful eve -1 sang along.
Classifieds
Messages
Swinging Beef Dance. November 24,
SUB Party Room, tix $4 from AMS Box
Office and several other places, so there.
Starring the Juan Valdez Memorial R&B
Ensemble. Yes, there are door prizes.
Mlah.
Get your name in the paper! Phone 228-
4235, ask for Aaron, and ask him about his
gargoyles. First three callers win
astounding prizes!
One sec, let me formulate this one ....
Attention all hot, virile men and sexy,
bodacious babes. There will be a meeting
of minds in SUB Ballroom at 8pm Friday,
November 17th. Clothing is optional, but
use of our oxygen carries a $5 surtax.
Eddy from Cheers got hit by a Zamboni.
Did we tell ya, or didn't we? Don't drink
and drive either.
Jim Bakker, your loving flock awaits
your return. We have the money. Giggle.
Did Bob Probert say hi? Snort, guffaw.
Answers la That*s
Trivial, From page 4
LQaesneiLake.
2.Barkervliie.
3, Forestry.
4. Mu Waddington.
5* Creston, BJC<
6*Th$FraserRivef<
7. Vancouver B.C (Stanley
Park).
&1985.
9* The Gang Rancb, B.C.
10. Who cares?
11. SOL
12. Gassy Jack Deigbton,
13. Langley.
14. Marijuana,
15. Liliooet (LiIloett?LilIoet?X
1 $. The Bowrhi CtearcBt,
17. Denver.
18. Gastown<trickc|ues&}n: it's
been rained already).
19. The Penticton Knights.
20< BCites* of course1!
BQ: The British Navy set
Stanley J*ark aside as $ reserve,
Tbey though that theie weie
TRinable eola deposits there.
There weren't
Scoring:
14& 1 point
li-i$:2p#ni&
1<5*20; 3 points.
>32goitts--£*pe8«%
nrriTitiitttAMJiiMiUiiit
"The mouse is an animal which, killed
in sufficient numbers, under carefully
controlled conditions, will produce a
PhD thesis."
Journal of Irreproducable Results
Are you uptight, irritable*
suffering from anxiety attacks?
Bo you suffer from gray htir, itchy watery eyes
Well This Event Has Nothing to do With You:
The Science Undergrad Society
in conjunction with absolutely no one else
PRESENTS'
Friday, Nov. 17 8:00pm-12:00midnight
in the SUB Ballroom
The Big
BIG
BzzR and Band
Bash
ttl
Tickets are $5.00 from
SUS Council Member
SUS Office (CHEM 160)
or SUB box office
Get Tickets Early as we are not
allowed to sell tickets at the door!
for more info call
SUS @ 228-4235
L«.
"It is impossible to travel faster
than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps
blowing off."
Woody Allen
More Chess
Openings
Hoffa Gambit: White walks off
the board hoping that black will
strike in sympathy.
Dyslexic Opening:Black opens
by convincing White that black
really goes first.
Japan Game: Black surrenders,
then attempts to infiltrate White's
side by dominating its economy.
Bishop's Gambit: Instead of
capturing a piece, the Bishop
molests it, leaving it emotionally
scarred.
If it fche&s? runs, oozes, seeps, dmins, or
gu$&es..»
If it cracks, peels, blisters, or
CnclTeS****
If it tutus him* green* yellow,
recL or mottled river "bottom
<
Iff it itcfas, fhtrts/ Burns, stittgs, or
f&ds nam6„.
Then stop
immmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm^fgmm
doin
mmmmmmmmmmm
The 432
November 15,1589

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